The Hilary Silver Podcast - High Achieving Women Have Low Self Worth

Episode Date: April 24, 2024

Episode 2: High Achieving Women Have Low Self Worth   Introduction Welcome back to The Hilary Silver Podcast! Today, we’re peeling back the layers on why so many talented, successful women face challenges in love. Inspired by the new JLo documentary on Amazon Prime, we’ll explore how even the most accomplished among us can struggle with issues of self-worth and intimacy in their personal lives. Join me for this deep dive into the paradox of success in career versus challenges in love. Episode Highlights: The JLo Effect: Understanding how JLo's personal and public life provides a unique lens through which we can understand the love challenges of successful women. Self-Worth vs. Success: A deep dive into why external achievements often mask internal struggles with self-esteem and self-worth. Cultural Expectations and Personal Relationships: How societal pressures shape the romantic lives of women who are perceived as "having it all." Practical Takeaways: Tips on navigating self-worth, setting realistic expectations for love, and why understanding personal value is key to healthier relationships. Episode Breakdown: [00:00:00–00:05:00] Hilary introduces the topic and shares her initial thoughts on the JLo documentary and its relevance to the struggles of high-achieving women in love. [00:05:01–00:15:00] Discussion on the dichotomy between public success and private emotional challenges, featuring insights into JLo's personal anecdotes from the documentary. [00:15:01–00:25:00] Analysis of societal pressures on successful women and the impact on their romantic choices. [00:25:01–00:35:00] Strategies for women to reconcile their public achievements with their private needs and desires in love. [00:35:01–00:45:00] Q&A session with listeners sharing their stories and seeking advice on similar issues.   Listener Takeaways: Self-Reflection: Encourages listeners to consider how their public successes might be influencing their private emotional states. Empowerment through Understanding: Offers insights into how societal narratives can dictate personal happiness and what can be done to change that script. Community Support: Engages the community for a broader conversation about love, success, and the interplay between the two. Resources The Greatest Love Story Never Told Amazon Original This Is Me… Now (A Love Story) Amazon Original Ready For Love A revolutionary 12 week transformational program for high achieving women who aren’t willing to settle for single and want to find their true, equal partner.     Disclaimer: The Hilary Silver Podcast The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed are the speaker’s own and do not represent the views, thoughts, and opinions of anyone else. The material and information presented here is for general information purposes only.  Reference to any specific product or entity does not constitute an endorsement or recommendation by the host. The views expressed by guests are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent. The content here should not be taken as medical or psychiatric advice. The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare professional for any medical or psychiatric questions. Contact information: [e-mail]

Here's the thing. I'm going to just say it right now. It's a fact. It's a little known fact, but it is fact. High-achieving women, hyper-achieving successful women often struggle with low self-worth and low self-esteem. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Hey, everyone. Thanks for tuning in to our conversation today. As a relationship expert of 25 years and the founder of the company Ready for Love, I often get articles about love and romance sent to me to get my reaction. The most recent is the J-Lo documentary that is airing on Amazon Prime right now called The Greatest Love Story Never Told. Well, what I love about this feature is that J-Lo is a case study on why so many high achieving women struggle to have healthy, loving, romantic relationships. So I am going to share my conversation with you today and you can

hear all about what my thoughts are on this documentary and her story and why it's relevant for you. Let's get started. So before we get into the conversation today, I really want to make sure that everybody who is listening right now stays because this episode, while it is about high achieving, successful professional women who struggle in their love lives, it's not just for you. If that is you, it's actually for anyone who knows and loves a woman who fits that description. This is a common issue in our culture. And I really want to, I want to explain this mystery to everyone. I want to demystify why is it that she's the great catch and, but why is she still single? Right? Everybody has heard of that. We see it in a lot of places. And so I want everybody to stick around and listen

to this conversation. So we all understand it and have more empathy for these women, can help these women, can support these women. So this episode is for everyone. So at the very beginning of the documentary, Jen talks about how she has two sides of herself, where there's this public persona that she represents herself as this powerful, successful, sexy, 50-year-old plus woman who's got it all. And she does. That is a part of her that is real. She's not faking that. And that's a part of her life that she feels confident in and she's not struggling and she has mastery. But then she talks about that she goes home in the privacy of her own personal life and she has a lot of shame and a

lot of embarrassment and she's battling her demons is what she calls it. And so that's, I want to explain what that's all about right now. And then we'll keep peeling back the layers of the onion here. So that is very, very common for most women who identify this way. We would all look at them and on the outside, they've got their shit together. They've got the house, the car, the career, the kids, the bank account, the lifestyle, all the goodies. They take good care of themselves, whatever that looks like. That's what's going on on the outside. But on the inside, there are two real big problems. Firstly, what's going on in her head? Women who are super high achievers. Well, let me just say this first and foremost.

I'm going to just say this right now. It is a known fact, a little known fact, but it is a fact. High achieving women, hyper achieving women often struggle with low self-worth and low self-esteem, and it rears its ugly head mostly in their love lives. And we're going to talk about why that is in just a moment. So it's a fact. Just trust me. It's a fact. But not a lot of people know about that. So what's going on in her head, in her mind, in her inner world is she's really a perfectionist. She's hard on herself. She can't give herself a fucking break.

She's got a tough inner critic, like a massive bitch of an inner critic driving all of her achieving and accomplishing and success. She's super hard on herself. And so that is a big problem that most people would not suspect is going on inside of her head. Her inner landscape is a cold, harsh environment, and it is often not a very kind and loving place to live. This is a relationship with herself that is really toxic and dysfunctional and not loving. She has not yet come to a place where she has unconditional love for herself. She picks herself apart.

And that is part of why she's so successful, because she's super driven to make that go away. But the problem with perfectionism, if you know anything about that, is that it's never enough. Perfectionism is like a constant seeking of perfection, but perfection doesn't exist in reality. It's not real. So it's a moving target. It's just one more award. It's just one more, you know, dollar sign. It's just one more thing. And then as you get there, the target just gets pushed back further and further. So that's what it, what it can sound like and feel like to these women in their head,

not all women, but a lot of them. And then meanwhile, because of this, what's happening is that they're getting into these relationships with men and the way she's been managing her love life, conducting herself in her love life, interacting and engaging what she's tolerating, what she's putting up with, who she's picking, what her love life looks like is all trauma, drama, chaos. It's a total shit show often. And if anybody were to know what was going on behind those closed doors, they would be mortified, totally embarrassed. And they're so ashamed of what that has been in their lives. And the more that they create this in their love lives, the more like what happens with shame is that we want to tuck it away into the dark recesses of our lives, into the deep, dark corner.

I call it the naughty corner, the parts of ourselves that we don't like, that we have not yet accepted, that we don't love or like, the parts of ourselves that we feel disqualify us from love, that we dis of stockpile shit into the naughty corner, the more shame we have, the less likely we're ever going to ever let somebody close enough to us because they will see those things that we don't even want to see ourselves. So those are the two main reasons why there is such a disconnect between the public persona, not just of J-Lo, but of all high achieving women who are operating at a very high level in their careers and in their lives in many other ways. Yet their love lives look like shit, a total shit show. It's because of these two things that are going on. So let's now talk about why this is, how this comes to be. And so I call this the plight of the high achiever. And it's because nobody's going to

feel sorry for these women, right? She looks the part. She's got a great life. She's got all these things going on. Who's going to feel sorry for J-Lo, right? Because look at what she's done in her life. But as J-Lo even talks about in this documentary, which I love that she does, she starts talking about how she grew up in this household where she felt emotionally neglected by her parents. Her mom was this kind of life of the party, narcissistic personality. And her dad was kind of not really present or engaged. He wasn't home a lot and she was the middle child. So she wasn't the oldest, but she wasn't the baby. So she was kind of invisible. And so what she ended up doing was, and she didn't do this on

purpose. She stumbled into this, which is what usually happens is she realized, well, to get a name for myself and to figure out who, what my role is in the family, I'm going to be an athlete. So she started winning awards and doing track and doing all these, you know, getting all these gold medals. And she realized that, oh, when I succeed in these ways, I get attention and people would come to the house and see all of her awards and it made her feel good. And so that's what this is all about. From a very early age, the messaging that we get, whether it's explicit messages that have been spoken directly to us or implicit messages, which are those messages that are really subtle and unspoken and implied, are such that you get love and attention and validation and significance and acceptance and

acknowledgement and all the attention that you need. You are loved when you achieve, when you get A's, when you win, when you succeed, when you get that, you know, all of the external accomplishments. So this is where it begins from a very early age for women. And, you know, this is not just for women, by the way, this happens for men too, but my specialty just happens to be in this area with women. So that. So it begins from a very early age where we're trained and conditioned and programmed to believe that our worth, our value comes from the externals that we create in our lives. So it's just one more award. It's just one more achievement.

It's just one more look. See, mom? See, dad? I got the A. Aren't I worthy of love now? And it never stops. Even into your forties and fifties and sixties, even if this doesn't get resolved, women are still chasing and seeking and proving from this deep, deep inner place. It's almost like a hunger, like a deep libidinal drive. It's that powerful, has such a hold over us, this deep need.

The more I achieve, the more I'm valuable. See everybody, I am good enough. Look what I just did. See everyone, see mom, see dad, see society, see culture, see myself. I finally made it. I am valid. I am good enough.

Look what I've done. And I call this the wall of fame. Women go on to spend all their time and attention and effort and energy building their wall of fame. It is the mantle full of trophies. It's the letters behind your name. All of that stuff is your wall of fame. And this is why it's a blind spot for high achieving women that they have low self-worth because they point to all of those things on the wall and they say, see, I'm confident. I've got my shit together.

I'm good. I'm a great catch. I've got my life together. See, see, see. But that is all external. And our self-worth is not external. It is not tied to external circumstances or situations or accomplishments or achievements. So if we strip away this wall of fame and it's all gone, what is left? Nothing but a little girl starved for attention and recognition and love because our true self-worth is internal and it's been forsaken and neglected for all the external seeking. And this deep lack of a self sense of self and a self-worth and self-value, as I said, rears its ugly head in our romantic lives, in our love lives, because we cannot hide there. In our romantic lives, we have to be

vulnerable. If we want to have true love, we have to have intimacy, to be close to someone, to drop our walls, to let down our guard, to be our true self. And as long as you have an inner world that says you're not good enough, that you're not valuable enough, that you have a lot to be ashamed of, that you are, you know, don't let anybody too close because they may discover that you're not good enough or lovable. You will keep people at a distance. They hold people out at a distance. There's all kinds of behaviors that, that come from these deep inner beliefs. And we can, maybe if we have time, we'll get to that. I'm not sure we'll have time for that because I don't want to make this episode too, too long,

but that's, what's going on here is it's in our love lives specifically because you can't pretend you can't fake it at work. You can fake it. It's not vulnerable. If you let, if you're, if you, you know, are part of a project and you put your voice in the room, it can be a little vulnerable and a little bit kind of scary to speak up in a big room of people to put your voice in the room and to share your ideas. But it's not nearly the same as letting someone in to your personal private world and having this intimacy. By definition, the word vulnerable means a willingness to get hurt. And when you're in a romantic relationship, you have what's called

shared vulnerability, where you both are agreeing to put yourself in a situation with each other, where you're willing to get hurt by one another because you believe that it's worth it with this person. I've been with my husband, you know, at the time that I'm recording this podcast, almost 25 years, every single day, we have shared vulnerability and, and trust with each other to let down our walls and let each other see the ugliest stuff that we have and, and to trust each other with that. And, you know, when we do that, it's a beautiful thing. But it does come inherently with risk of getting hurt. He has the power to hurt me like no one else because of that. But that's the beauty in that. So, and when, when women who are, you know,

high achieving and they're focusing on their career, they often just don't even know that this is what's going on. And so they keep repeating the problems over and over and over again. So in the, in the documentary, Jen is talking about, and she makes light of it. There's a whole scene where she's making fun of herself and she's kind of replaying the weddings that she's had, all four of them. And, and, you know, they're saying, don't catch the bouquet. It's cursed. You know, she says it's funny, but it's also heartbreaking. And it is, it is so full of pain and heartbreak because not only are you dealing with what feels like rejection, it just reinforces the belief that you're not good enough. I don't deserve good love. I can't have good love. I'm not worthy of it. And it's just a painful spin cycle for women.

So that is often what's going on with high achieving women who are struggling in their love lives. So here's one of the biggest things that I see happening in the space of dating coaching, love coaching, self-growth, self-help that, that I am on a mission and my, you know, my whole purpose and my whole company ready for love is focused on. There's a lot of well-meaning people, do-gooders, marketers, even who want to help these women end this problem and just get a good guy in their lives. And what the advice is, the conventional advice, the conventional wisdom is, Hey, here's how men think. Here's how's what men find sexy. Here's what men really like. Do more of that and you'll find your guy. And it makes me so angry and so upset because it

only takes women further away from being their true authentic selves. And that doesn't ever work. It never, never works. It's not good for the relationship because it's just short-lived. But it also isn't good for her, for her relationship with herself. In order to have loving, healthy, lasting relationships, we must first, and I know a lot of people say you don't have to love yourself first. You don't have to love yourself perfectly first, but you do have to love yourself enough first before you can have a love with someone else. Because as long as you don't feel worthy of love, you will not allow someone to love you. You will not let them close enough to you.

So the real work must be done. And the real work is developing a relationship with yourself first. Your true worth is not coming from all the externals that you've created. It's not coming when he finally picks you. In the documentary, they say, Ben Affleck even says, no amount of alcohol or no amount of followers will ever fill that void. It's true. It's not one more thing will make me feel good enough. It's not this guy picking me will make me feel good enough. It comes from within.

I have this thing called the empty vessel syndrome. It's part of my program and what I teach. And I'm a very visual person. It helps me learn. And so if you all can just imagine this beautiful vase, like I call it a vessel because it's more magical sounding. If imagine a vase and at the bottom, there's a crack and you just keep

filling it up with water and it just kept seeping out the bottom, it will never be filled. That's what the seeking and the proving is all about. Seeking the love, seeking the validation, seeking the acceptance. That is what all of that hunger, that drive is all about. But it's never enough because the crack at the bottom, it just oozes and it leaks out the bottom. So what we do in Ready for Love and what all women must do in their lives to really overcome this once and for all is to actually identify the crack at the bottom of the vase,

seal it up, fill it up, plug that hole from the bottom. And then actually you're not filling from the outside in, you're filling from the bottom up. You show up in your life overflowing with worth and value because you've given it to yourself from the inside. And now you have a lot of love to give, and you can be kind and generous and magnanimous and noble and helpful and a wonderful human being in this world. And it's self-propagating. It refills itself. It's an endless supply of what you need to live your best life because it's coming from within. And when you show up in your love life and everywhere else in your life, whole and full and healthy in this way,

you're not seeking anymore. And now you are your best self. And that is when women are finally able to know their worth and their value. And they start attracting men who will treat them better, who don't have their own issues. You know, that's part of it is that we attract who we are. The universe doesn't give us what we want. It gives us who we are. So you can't fake that. You may look the part on the outside, but if you're operating in the world from a place of I'm not lovable, I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy. And then you get into situations that reinforce that belief where you're not treated well and you're maybe even subjecting yourself to abuse and all kinds of crap. Then if you're showing up that way, that says a lot about who you are how you are and and we attract people into our lives who are also feeling that way about themselves the men have the behavior

that they have or our partners if it's a same-sex relationship so you know we attract people and their behavior looks like what it does as our behavior looks like what it does. So basically we attract who we are. And the only way to really interrupt this pattern and to stop this brutal, vicious cycle of disappointment and heartbreak and letdown is to stop seeking and chasing after the love for the validation and really turn towards yourself and do the inner work to recognize that you have to learn that your value and your worth comes within. That is only the work that you can do for yourself. It is something only you can do. And the payoff isn't about getting the relationship. That's really the cherry on top because what you really end up getting is you. You get a relationship with you that you've never had. I'm speaking to you right now,

but for those of you who are listening for somebody that you know and love, this is 100% what has to happen. So, and to bring it back to the self-centered message, which you know is what I love to talk about, is that we can tell these women, it's not your fault. He's just a bad person and he's not a good guy

and he's missing out and blah, blah, blah. While that might be true, that is not what's going to be most helpful. What is most helpful isn't about wanting our friends and our loved ones, these women, you, to feel better. That's temporary. What's going to help solve this problem is to help you be better. And it's not because you're not good enough now, but you don't feel good enough now. So it's about you getting out of your own way. You are your own biggest obstacle.

That's the coolest part here. You are your own biggest obstacle. Because if you're the only thing standing in your way between where you are now and what it is that you want, all you have to do is figure out how, what you're doing and just step aside, step aside, get out of your own way. And you will finally be free and clear to let love in. You are your own biggest obstacle. So while it might be true, if, if another guy breaks up with you or another relationship does not work out

and it is his loss because you're a lovely, amazing human, it's also not his fault. Okay, I've gotten really good at saying this to you all and I hope that you hear me and you know that I mean it with love. It doesn't, it's not going to help you if I just tell you how amazing you are. Intellectually, you already know that. All these women intellectually already know I'm amazing.

They can rattle off their accomplishments, their achievements. They know they're loving and reasonable and kind. And it's a mystery as to why love is remaining elusive. And I am not going to just perpetuate that. I'm going to break that up and tell you the truth so that you can finally have everything that you want. You are the problem here. And it is this, this one thing. And I want for you to solve that. I want for you to not just have all these other things in your life, but this. Your relationship with you is paramount. And when you do this work on you and you get you, it is the greatest gift.

It is. I don't want anyone to get to the end of their lives and realize, holy shit, I spent my whole life not loving myself. I spent my whole life not loving myself. I spent my whole life in self-loathing, not in self-loving. Fuck that. So this is what has to happen. You are amazing and you are the problem. And it's a simple fix, honestly, when you're willing to acknowledge that. It is. And to bring it back to the very beginning about the messaging that we got, none of the things that happen in our lives to us when we are little that inform who we become and how we operate in the world, none of that is our fault. None of it. None of the things that we learned, that were

modeled for us, that we were spoken, that were said to us, that we experienced, our traumas, our dramas that we grew up in. None of that is our fault. But as adults, it is our responsibility. And I ask, what are you going to do about it? How are you going to take all that painful stuff and turn it into your source of true personal power. That's what has to be done. Make meaning out of the things that have happened to you along the way so that it serves you and it doesn't hold you back. That these become expanding beliefs instead of limiting beliefs. Turn that into a source of power for you rather than having it hold you back. This is our life's work. I truly believe this is why we are

here. And if you haven't done this work, it can be a little overwhelming or scary to think about it or daunting to think about it, but it is the most rewarding thing you will ever do for yourself. My clients tell me all the time, oh, it's so hard. Oh my gosh, I'm crying. But, and at the end they say, I feel euphoric. I feel two inches taller. Hillary, people are asking me, did I get a makeover? What did I do different? I look lighter and brighter. This is what happens, a relationship with you. So I hope I was able to shed some light on this issue. Why high achieving, hyper achieving, super successful professional women often have

shitty ass love lives, love lives. And, and that, that can often be kind of messy and disappointing. And that the, the only true way to stop that and to figure out how to really welcome love into your life is to do this work on yourself. And I hope that our conversation today allows you, if you are the woman, allows you to take another look at yourself and to take action. Or if you have somebody in your life who's struggling, share this with them. It might be the very beginning of something new. Thanks for listening. Thanks so much for joining the conversation today. I hope you learned something new or heard something that inspired you to take action in a new way. As your greatest

champion and someone who truly cares about your love, happiness, wealth, and success. I always want to encourage you to ask yourself this question. How have I contributed? You are the only person who can ask this and the only one who can answer it. This doesn't just change your life this changes everything