The Hilary Silver Podcast - How I Quit Being Self Disciplined & Got Super Fit

Episode Date: January 3, 2025

Think self-discipline is the key to success? Think again. Drawing from her own transformation, Hilary explains why self-discipline is the anti-hero of personal growth—restrictive, harsh, and downright unsustainable. Instead of relying on rigid rules and unrealistic expectations, Hillary introduces the concept of self-devotion—a compassionate, loving, and sustainable approach to achieving your goals. Think of self-devotion as the unwavering commitment you’d expect from a devoted partner but turned inward. When you show up for yourself out of love, not obligation, everything shifts. Whether you’re looking to crush your resolutions, build a thriving business, or create a healthier lifestyle and body, Hillary’s approach to self-devotion is the game-changer you’ve been waiting for.   Episode Highlights: Why self-discipline is more harmful than helpful. The life-changing shift from self-discipline to self-devotion. How self-devotion turns goals into meaningful, joyful experiences. Practical examples of embracing self-devotion in everyday life. Real talk on why loving yourself is the most effective strategy you’ll ever use.   Episode Breakdown: [00:00] The Myth of Self-Discipline [01:40] The Downside of Self-Discipline [02:12] The Cycle of Self-Criticism [03:38] The High Cost of Self-Discipline [04:09] The Dysfunctional Relationship with Ourselves [05:03] The Most Important Relationship: With Yourself [05:44] The Shift from Self-Discipline to Self-Devotion [06:15]  What is Self-Devotion? [06:47] Applying Devotion to Yourself [07:39] Discipline vs. Devotion [08:54] The Logic of Self-Importance [09:25] The Ease of Following Through with Devotion [09:47] New Year, New Me: A Devoted Approach   Take Action!   Break up with self-discipline and step into the new year with a mindset that truly supports your growth and happiness. Love yourself enough to follow through—not because you have to, but because you want to.   👉 Ready for more? Hit play now and start transforming the way you achieve your goals!

People often say to me, you're so disciplined. I'm mostly sure they intend it to be a compliment and that they mean well, but to be honest, I kind of feel insulted by it, and it really just could not be further from the truth. In this episode, I'm sharing why self-discipline is the anti-hero. It's really not the superpower quality

that we think it is when it comes to sticking to a plan or following through, and what it is that is so much better that allows me to stay super fit, especially at 52, while also running an eight-figure company and juggling family life too, so that you too can achieve and maintain whatever it is that's important to you without needing self-discipline. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this

podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. 10 years ago, I made a very important decision that completely changed my life. It changed what I do, how I do it. It changed the choices I make, how I express myself, what I say yes and no to. It literally changed everything about my life in the best possible way. And that is what I say yes and no to. It literally changed everything about my life in the best possible way. And that is what I'm going to share with you today, because it's a shift in your thinking that will make everything you do way more meaningful and easier too. I was approaching my life and all the things I was doing from a place of being disciplined, to live up to my own

expectations and standards, to hit my goals, and just to be the woman I wanted to be. I thought it required self-discipline, checking all the boxes, doing all the things for my kids and my house and my business and myself, like what I eat or drink, what workouts I do. So when I would fall short, which would happen quite often, I would very easily fall into self-criticism and punishment, mostly around parenting and fitness for me. That's the stuff that would just literally keep me up at night, berating myself for missing the mark or messing up or not being patient enough or available enough when I would eat too much or drink too much or mishandle a situation. Can you relate?

That's because when you think about it, discipline is what we do to people or dogs when they misbehave, when they act poorly, break rules, or don't perform, whether it's a child or an employee and we put them on a performance plan, right? We punish with consequences. Self-discipline is just that, punitive, withholding, restricting, harsh, limiting. So if being in this state of deprivation is what's required to succeed, we are all destined to fail. How long can you actually go without having something, doing something, eating something, enjoying something before you give in, and then not feeling good about ourselves until we get that thing that we want or to maintain the thing that we have. It's only a matter of time before we rebel even against ourselves,

and then we end up eating things we're not allowed to eat on the diet or overdoing it with food or drink because we've been deprived for so long. Binge shopping after restricting the spending so rigidly. Those types of things. So while self-discipline was keeping me in line and accountable to look and feel a certain way, it really was coming at a high cost. My relationship with myself was conditional. Hillary, I will love and accept you so long as you meet these high cost. My relationship with myself was conditional. Hillary, I will love and accept you

so long as you meet these high standards. And if you don't, you will pay the price. You will suffer your own recrimination, condemnation, and consequences. So can you see why self-discipline is just not a healthy, sustainable way to approach anything in life, we have this one relationship with ourselves. And for it to be condemning, conditional, unrelenting is not self-loving. So in many of my previous episodes, you've heard me talk about the difference between what we do and how we do it. And that how we do the things that we do is very critical and key determining factor in whether all the things that we're so busy doing are actually successful. But the why we do what we do matters just as much. If you are

doing all that you are because you will emotionally pay the price for not doing it, that isn't good. That you will face your own rejection and recrimination and hostility or judgment if you fall short is no way to live. And again, it's only a matter of time before you rebel against your own rules and tyranny. We are in a relationship with ourselves. It is the only constant, guaranteed, reliable relationship in life, the one you have with yourself. And so it is the most important and valuable relationship that we have. Yet, most of us have a very dysfunctional, if not abusive, relationship with ourselves. We say things to ourselves we would not dare to say to anyone else. This is why it doesn't feel like a compliment to me when people say, I'm so disciplined. It feels

like they're saying, I'm controlled, I'm rigid, I'm uptight, I'm limiting and restricting people say I'm so disciplined. It feels like they're saying I'm controlled, I'm rigid, I'm uptight, I'm limiting and restricting, and I'm no fun at all. And that I have some superhuman power to stick to it because I'm good at denying myself. Ew. So 10 years ago, when I decided I no longer wanted to have that kind of a relationship with myself, I changed how I think about what I do and how I'm doing it and why I'm doing it to change the way I talk to myself and truly become my own biggest champion, my own ally and advocate and confidant and supporter and friend as I would to somebody else or my own child, to be on my own side, to get my own back, and to stop treating myself so harshly. So the shift was from doing things from a place of

self-discipline to doing things from a place of self-devotion. We often think about the word devotion as relational, like how we are with someone else and how they are to us. Think about it. A partner who is fully devoted to you is all in with you. They pick you, fight for you. They have your back. They see you and care for you and they're fiercely committed and loyal to you. Now apply that same sentiment to how you are with yourself. Feel that for just a minute. To be fully devoted to yourself first and having a relationship with yourself that is loyal, acknowledging, fiercely loyal, and committed. It's being all in with yourself.

You fight for yourself and you choose yourself. Again, all in with you. The way we dream about or desire having someone be with us, the way we would do for someone else. Having a deep commitment to you as you would to someone you actually love. Because devotion feels good and lights you up, you approach the daily tasks in life that support the goals and desires with joy. So you're able to follow through consistently without all the heaviness that makes it feel like a chore. You're not fighting against yourself. You're working with yourself. Discipline is scarcity-based. I have to. Devotion is abundance-based. I get to. It's really the antithesis to self-discipline, self-devotion. So when I go out to dinner and I don't order a second glass

of wine, it's not because I'm depriving myself and I'm being a rigid rule follower and that I only get one and I can't cut loose and have fun. It's because I know when I have more than one, I feel horrible. I get a buzz for a minute, but then all I want to do is sleep. I want to pass out. And then I wake up in the middle of the night and I can't fall back to sleep. And then I'm headachy in the morning. Being devoted to myself means I don't order another one. Not because I don't love myself, but because I do. And I don't go to the gym and work out every day to punish myself because of something I ate yesterday. Raise your hand if you've ever said, I have to work out every day to punish myself because of something I ate yesterday. Raise your hand if you've ever said, I have to work out because I ate like crap yesterday. That is not

self-love. That is self-punishment, having to redeem yourself for what you ate yesterday. I go to the gym because I love that time that I spend with myself there. I've got my music in, and I'm inspired, and I get to move my body and connect with myself. It really is my happy hour. And I'm devoted to myself. So I go because it's important to me. And here's the thing that logic states. If something is important to you, then it's important because you're important. So all the things that I do in my life from what I eat and drink and my workouts so that I can look and feel the way I want to, all the way to my other yeses and nos and how I show up in my life

is from a place of devotion to me. I do it or I don't only if it's affirming to me, loving towards me, supportive of me, what's best for me. It's me taking care of me as opposed to making me do something that doesn't feel good, is inauthentic or harmful to me. And this means that all the things I do now are actually easier to follow through on because I want to, not because I have to or else. So when you're thinking about the new year, new me, and all the resolutions that you have in mind or achieving anything that you want for yourself. Promise yourself this, that you will follow through because you love yourself and you are devoted to yourself. If you want to lose the weight or get fit,

do all the things you need to do from a place of devotion. Want to build a business? Don't force yourself. Be devoted to your vision and the life that you want to create and show up because you are devoted to yourself. Self-devotion, not self-discipline. Try that on and see how it feels, and I'll see you next time.