The Hilary Silver Podcast - How Letting Go Is the Ultimate Power Move

Episode Date: January 10, 2025

Control freaks, brace yourselves! In the final episode of her five-part series, Hilary serves up a truth bomb with the fifth core concept of her self-centered model: The outcome is internal. Translation? Stop obsessing over things you can’t control and start owning what’s already yours—your inner power.   Hilary breaks down why we tie our worth to things we can’t control—whether it’s nailing the job interview, getting the client deal, or making someone like us. Really, It’s a losing game. She shares how letting go of external outcomes doesn’t just free you from stress and anxiety—it gives you the ultimate power to thrive, no matter what.   Episode Highlights: Why control is an illusion (and why your frantic grasping isn’t working). How to measure success by how YOU show up, not how others respond. The paradox of letting go: Stop chasing, start attracting. Why the real win is inside you—and how to claim it. Hilary’s soap analogy: Let go, or watch it slip through your fingers.   Episode Breakdown: [00:00] Seeking Certainty [02:33] Anxiety and the Need for Certainty [03:57] The Illusion of Control [06:04] Claim YOUR Personal Power [08:01] Releasing the Need for External Validation [12:05] The Ultimate Paradox   Ready to make this mindset shift for real? Check out Hillary’s free mini video training, This Changes Everything, at https://hilarysilver.com/guides/. Stop chasing. Start thriving. It’s time to lean back and live big.

So much of our suffering, stress, and anxiety comes from seeking certainty in a world with so much uncertainty. We try to control external circumstances and situations and all the things that we just cannot control ever, like what people think about us and what they do to how things go at work with projects or clients. And we measure our success only when things go our way, when we get the outcome that we want, or when we win. There's a lot of fear when we put our peace of mind, well-being, and even self-worth in the hands of fate. And we give our power away when we depend on other people liking us or doing what we want them to do, or when we get that one tangible result we so eagerly desire. So today I'm sharing the fifth core concept of the self-centered model. The outcome is internal. It's a radical shift in how you operate in the world, and it doesn't just change your life,

it changes everything. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. This is the final episode of our five-part series, the five core concepts of the self-centered model. So far, we've covered one, you're always the problem and the solution in your life. Two,

the world does revolve around you. Three, in your life, you come first and you go first. And four, identity is a choice. If you missed any of these episodes, I strongly recommend you go back after this one because all of these concepts build on each other and they work together. So you really want to get all of them. Today, we are talking about perhaps my most favorite of all. I love a good paradox. The outcome is internal. So I'm going to share three very important things to know and then stick around it till the end because I have a very special bonus message that I want to share with you. So first, anxiety, worry, fear, all those distressing emotions come when we feel the need for certainty and we don't have it. When things are left up in the air, when we don't

have closure, when we're waiting to find out whether something will work out the way we want it to or not, we aren't in control and that is unsettling. Waiting to find out if you got the job, waiting for a business deal to come through, wanting to get the sale and it hasn't happened yet. We are invested in the outcome going our way, not just for the obvious reasons, but because what it means about us if it works out or if it doesn't.

You get the job, you were chosen. You don't get the job, they didn't pick you. Hmm, what do you say to yourself about that? What is your automatic thought? Be honest. And when it's a relationship outcome, like someone liking you, wanting to be your friend or your lover, the stakes are especially high because that is so deeply personal. It's very vulnerable. So again, it's all because of what we make it mean. If they approve, you are good enough. If they don't, you are not. You weren't good enough. You're not lovable, likable, funny enough, smart enough, interesting enough, enough. We unconsciously give over our

worth to others. Our very worthiness is on the line. So it makes perfect sense in all of these life situations why we are driven to control the outcome. Our outer world depends on things going our way, but so much of our inner world does too, which leads me to the next important truth. We may think we can control the outcome by working harder, pushing for it, bending over backwards, worrying about it, ruminating about it, obsessing. But the cold hard truth is that none of that actually works because we can't control any of it, no matter how hard we try or how much we would like it to be true.

And I know you know this, but sometimes we just have to be reminded nearly everything in life is out of our control. We cannot control what other people think, feel, or do. We cannot control any of those external circumstances or situations, from the things in our individual lives to broader issues like politics and the economy. And if we only feel safety, security, calm, happy, enough, when those external situations or circumstances go our way, we will spend a lot of our life not just uncomfortable, but suffering. So third, here is the radical shift. What if you knew you would be okay no matter the outcome? What if you knew that no matter what happens out there in the outer world, out there in the future, you will always be okay no matter what? And not just okay,

what if you knew you could win no matter what? That you will always come out on top, that you will always benefit from every situation, that everything always works out in your favor. How would knowing that completely change your life? This self-centered approach and this core concept specifically provides you that guarantee. Yes, it's true. It is a guarantee. It is a certainty. That is why it is so powerful. In an uncertain world, you give yourself certainty always. In a life where nothing is guaranteed, you provide yourself that guarantee. And in doing that, you claim sovereignty, personal power, and autonomy. You give yourself the certainty, comfort, and closure you seek always. You do this by adopting this very

core concept that the outcome you actually seek is internal. The outcome is internal. So what are we focusing on instead? You, of course. If your focus is not on what happens out there, but rather here inside of you, then you know that the win is inevitable because you have 100% control of that every single time. If your worth is internal, and it is, then it's unwavering. It's constant and doesn't come and go with people who go in and out of your life. It doesn't depend on what other people who go in and out of your life. It doesn't depend on what other people think or feel or do. If you know you will be able to handle any challenging situation that comes up in this life, even if it's uncomfortable for a while, even in the worst of

cases, it may be devastating for a while. If you know that eventually you will be okay, you can trust yourself to get through it, manage it, deal with it. Then you have certainty no matter what happens. You don't need things to work out always. You don't need things to go as planned. You want them to, of course, but you don't need them to, to have certainty because you know, even if it doesn't, you will be okay. And this changes everything. When you measure your success, not by how people respond to you, but how you handled yourself, that is powerful. Let's say you decided to have a much needed conversation with someone. One that could potentially be a little touchy or even emotionally scary, like asking for what you need or sharing your feelings. If you're only willing to have those conversations, if you

know it will go how you want it to, you may not speak up. You may bite your tongue and not express yourself. But using this core concept, if you measure the success not by what this person does with your words or how they respond to you or what happens with this relationship, but that you showed up for yourself, that you were brave enough and willing to have the conversation at all and brought it up. Maybe it was a conversation you needed to have and you were the brave one who brought it up, that you set a limit and got your own back and that you were the brave one who brought it up, that you set a limit and got your own back, and that you were honest and vulnerable and expressed yourself, that you were your best self and really took care of yourself, if that is the win, then it doesn't

matter at all what this other person does, does it? Releasing the outcome of what they do and you know that you control who you are and how you are in this conversation, you get to walk away already knowing you've won. You've already won before you've even started. You already have the outcome that you desire. Anything that comes after that is actually just the cherry on top. And moreover, when you have a mindset and an orientation in this life, that even when the external outcome doesn't go your way, there's still always something to be gained, that there's a lesson or a blessing or an insight in nearly every experience, if you're willing to see it, that you will have learned something, grown in some way, that you may not have known you even needed to grow, that there is something better for you around the corner, that it all works out for

you even in some way that you might not yet understand. You will always have that sense of certainty. So imagine you're applying for your dream job. If you define success by whether you get the role, you're placing all of your power in the hands of a hiring committee. But if success means that you prepared thoroughly, communicated your value, and left the interview proud of your effort, then you've already won no matter the outcome. Make sense? And believing that whatever does happen with this job, it's all meant to work out as it should for your benefit. You can relax and trust and have faith in everything working out in your favor. So the paradox is that the outcome you seek is not actually out there at all. The focus is on what

is inside, internal, how you feel, how you manage yourself, how you conduct yourself, how you show up for yourself, how you interpret events, what you choose to believe about the things that happen to you. Your worth is inside of you, so you can lean back and stop chasing after it or proving it. You can let go of trying to control what others do because it doesn't really matter. It means nothing about you. What happens and whatever they do is of no consequence to you. I know you may be feeling resistant or anxious when I say to let go of what you really want, because you may think that by letting go of what you want, releasing it, surrendering it, not chasing it, it will drift further away. But that isn't how it works. Think about a wet bar of soap.

If you grab for it frantically, it just keeps slipping right out of your hands, just pops right out. It remains elusive despite your frantic attempts and grasping at it. Speeding up to get to your destination quicker backfires because you end up getting a speeding ticket and now you're even later than you would have been. Slow down to get there faster. That is the great paradox. Letting go, surrendering, releasing all of your grasping at or needing for the external outcome to be a certain way not only gives you peace of mind, it gives you the ultimate power in your life because the outcome that you really actually need isn't out there at all. It's in here inside of you. That's why it's so powerful because you don't

need anyone or anything to go a certain way for you to be happy, fulfilled, and content. So here is the bonus special message. It's funny how it works, but when you let go of the external outcome and simply focus on you being your best self, your self-centered self, when you operate this way in life, you often end up getting even more than you originally desired, more than you could have ever imagined possible. This happens because your energy is in alignment with what you desire. You're in a state of faith rather than fear, belief over anxiety, attracting rather than chasing, and love rather than resentment.

You're leaning back rather than chasing and love rather than resentment. You're leaning back rather than chasing forward. This is the ultimate paradox, letting go of the outcome so much that you actually get it. I just love this one so much. As we wrap up this series on the five core concepts of the self-centered model, I want to leave you with a challenge. Shift your focus inward. See how reminding yourself of the real outcome you desire is internal and notice how it changes everything. Thank you for joining me in this series and for allowing me to share these transformative ideas with you. If you missed any of the previous episodes, I encourage you to go back and take it all in because together, these concepts are life-changing.

And if you're ready to dive deeper into creating a life that feels aligned, intentional, and totally true to you, check out my free mini training, This Changes Everything. The link is in the show notes and in the comments pinned at the top. Until next time, stay centered in yourself and remember, you already have everything you need.