The Hilary Silver Podcast - How To Overcome Loneliness and Create Connection

Episode Date: June 5, 2024

Episode #10: The Other "L" Word No One Wants To Talk About Introduction In this thought-provoking episode of The Hilary Silver Podcast, Hilary takes on the epidemic of loneliness, which she calls "the other L word." Exploring the nuances between situational and existential loneliness, Hilary shares insights on how we contribute to our own feelings of isolation by not allowing true, authentic connections in our lives. She challenges listeners to reconsider how intimacy can be fostered not just with those close to us, but in everyday interactions with everyone.   Episode Highlights Understanding Situational vs. Existential Loneliness: Hilary defines two types of loneliness and discusses their impacts. The Role of Intimacy in Combating Loneliness: Insights into how genuine intimacy can combat feelings of loneliness. Practical Steps to Overcome Loneliness: Hilary provides actionable advice on creating meaningful connections and overcoming barriers to intimacy. Episode Breakdown [00:00:36-00:01:02] Introduction to the topic of loneliness, termed as "the other L word." [00:01:42-00:02:19] Discussion on situational loneliness: circumstances where one may feel lonely due to changes in their social environment. [00:03:04-00:04:02] Exploration of existential loneliness: feeling alone despite being in social settings or relationships. [00:06:09-00:07:01] Real-life examples of how to solve existential loneliness through deeper connections. [00:07:01-00:09:03] The challenges of making new friends as an adult and the deeper problem of existential loneliness. [00:17:58-00:18:10] Closing thoughts: encouragement to face the internal fears that lead to loneliness. Listener Takeaways Recognize the Type of Loneliness: Identifying whether your loneliness is situational or existential can guide you in addressing it effectively. Foster Intimacy Anywhere: Intimacy isn't just for close relationships; it can be cultivated in any interaction by being present and authentic. Be Proactive in Connection: Taking active steps to engage in activities and communities that resonate with your interests can help alleviate situational loneliness. Face Inner Barriers: Reflect on what holds you back from being open and honest in your interactions and challenge yourself to be more vulnerable. Self-Reflection is Key: Often, the solution to loneliness starts with understanding and changing our own behaviors and attitudes towards relationships. This episode is a powerful reminder that while loneliness is a common human experience, the power to change our circumstances always lies within our own actions and choices.

The reason that we struggle with existential loneliness is actually because in our lives and in our relationships, we're not allowing that deep, true, authentic connection to be happening. Because I believe that you can have intimacy with anyone, anywhere, anytime, if you so wish to have it. You can have an intimate moment with the grocery store clerk. You can. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver podcast. Hey, everyone. Welcome to the conversation. Today, we are talking about loneliness.

I call it the other L word, meaning not love, but lonely. And up until recently, I think it was something that most people really didn't want to admit to, because if you're feeling lonely, there must be something wrong with you. And, you know, like you don't, you don't have any friends. So what's wrong with you kind of a thing. And I just think it's a really great thing that there's been a lot more conversation about loneliness lately. It's kind of an epidemic. 60% of adults say that they feel lonely. And I think thanks to COVID maybe is when we started talking about loneliness a lot more than ever before. Because even though we're only talking about it now, it's been something that of course we all have been feeling from time to time in our lives. and some people more than others more often and more frequently than others as well.

So what I'm going to be getting into today are two different kinds of loneliness that I have come to identify or recognize, and it will enhance any other conversation that might be happening about loneliness. So the first kind of loneliness that I recognize, and I call it situational loneliness. When I'm working with clients and I'm talking to people and I'm doing the work that I do, situational loneliness, as everybody can relate, is a time in your life when you just don't have anyone to hang out with. Maybe you just moved. Maybe a lot of your friends have moved. Maybe you're in a new season in your life.

Things have shifted or changed in your reality. And because of that, you're just finding yourself with not a lot of people to hang out with and nobody to maybe do stuff with, or your circle has gotten really small. And that can really be lonely. It sucks when you feel a little socially isolated. Maybe there's more connection happening in your online world and your virtual world than in your actual real life world.

That's happened to me as I've taken my business online. More and more people that I know are in the online space and they're all around the world. But yet in my local community, in my real life, that world has gotten much smaller. Maybe you can relate. And so, yeah, that it really does suck when you feel like there's no one to hang out with. You want to go have a glass of wine or go out to dinner and you're like, huh, who am I going to call? It sucks. Now, the other kind of loneliness that I recognize is what I call existential loneliness, meaning a lonely existence. And this is the kind of loneliness that is actually way more profound and painful than situational loneliness, if you can imagine. This is the kind of loneliness that you might experience when you have a lot of friends but feel lonely, when you're in a large crowded room of people at a party, networking, or at an event of some kind, and you just feel very lonely.

And what causes this is a sense of not feeling seen, not feeling witnessed being lonely in a marriage being lonely in a romantic relationship is like you know getting into bed with a partner and that kind of a relationship is the loneliest bed um in the world um because it's lacking connection it's lacking a sense of transparency transparency, of closeness, of intimacy. And this is when people will say to me, Hillary, I feel like no one knows the real me. I feel like everybody just knows what they think about me or what they think of who I am. And so while this is like extremely profound and isolating feeling, if you can just imagine from a soul level, it's like a soul lonely when you don't feel like you're the person lying next to you in bed actually really knows the real you or you have friends, but they don't really know the real you.

You spend a lot of time together. You hang out together. And there's not a lot of honest, deep connection happening. Or there is, but it's one way. And it's maybe everybody else is sharing a lot and relying on you for help. And you're doing all the giving and the helping. But it's not flipped the other way ever. And so it's just, can you imagine like how desolate that would feel to your soul to not feel like anybody actually really knows the real you?

The kind of intimacy that we gain when we have that connection is life sustaining. One of the examples that I like to give when I'm talking to women who are interested in working with us in our Ready for Love program is when I'm at a party with my husband and I'm talking to somebody and he's in the other room, but we can see each other. We can just look at each other and know how it's going for each other. I might be talking to a woman in one room and he's in another room talking to somebody and we can kind of just look at each other and we kind of know, is it time to go? How's it going? Are you enjoying yourself? There's an intimacy there that we don't even have to speak. We can just look at each other and know. Or when something's going on in our house and I'm having a conversation with one of our kids and he's, you know, looking at me and he knows exactly how I'm feeling about that conversation. And he actually knows, you know, he should step in maybe and intervene or offer something or if you should stay quiet because I've got it. So there's just this way when you are, when you have that connection with somebody

and they really know you and they see you and they witness you, then they can anticipate your needs, your responses to things. There's just this great collaboration and you don't feel alone in this world when you have that. So here's the irony. While it seems like making a new friend would be an easier thing to do, I actually personally think it's easier to solve the existential loneliness, even though it's way more profound sense of loneliness than not having someone to go out to dinner with or hang out with. It's actually easier to solve existential loneliness more than it is to solve situational loneliness. Think about it.

It's not easy as an adult to go out and make a new friend. You have to make the effort. You have to go get involved in an activity, put yourself out into the community in some way. And it court if you don't play tennis, or you wouldn't, you know, want to go to a book signing of some kind if you're not an avid reader of, you know, so you want to put yourself in a situation where it's something that you actually really enjoy doing because that's a true thing for you. And that means that might be where you meet somebody who has a shared interest or has something in common with you in that way. So that's the first thing.

But then the next hurdle is this other person that you may meet has to also be interested in making a new friend. So you have to meet at this place. You have to make the initial connection. You have to have the initial connection. You have to have an initial conversation that feels good for both of you. And you both have to be people who are interested in expanding your friendship circle and making a new connection. And not everybody is.

Some people are not interested in that. And even though the two of you might have been a match made in heaven, even just as friends, I'm not even talking about romantically, but you both have to want that in your lives. And then you both have to make it a priority. You have to make effort. And we've all got busy lives. We've got kids and clothes and bills and chaos and work and all kinds of things going on in our lives that can make it challenging

to put effort into making a new friend, really, honestly, truly. So let's talk about existential loneliness and how much easier it actually is to solve that problem, right? We want to solve our solvable problems. And so the reason that we struggle with existential loneliness is actually because in our lives and in our relationships, we're not allowing that deep, true, authentic connection to be happening. We're not allowing it because I believe that you can have intimacy with anyone, anywhere, anytime, if you so wish to have it. You can have an intimate moment with the grocery store clerk. You can. It can be an honest exchange of your true humanity with

each other in that moment. you can have an exchange with somebody that you meet on the sidewalk while you're walking your dogs and the dogs stop to sniff each other and you stop to chat and and they ask you a question and you're actually honest about the answer and they're open to receiving that kind of communication and connection with a stranger. And now you're feeling seen and heard. It's instantly solved just like that. So why don't we do this? We don't share our true authentic selves for so many reasons. Sometimes it's because we think people don't really care.

When someone asks how you are and you just say, fine, I'm good. How are you? It's because you think they're not really interested. They're just asking to be nice and they don't really care. Maybe it's true. Maybe it's not, but you'll never know. And you're mind reading and putting assumptions and projecting onto them. When I ask somebody, how are you? I really want the truth. I really do. Don't lie to me, please. If I didn't want to know, I wouldn't ask. So just a thought. But another reason why we may not share ourselves is because we're afraid. We're afraid of putting ourselves out there in this vulnerable way of, you know, like ultimately we all just want to be seen. But are you willing to be seen?

How guarded are you in your life? How transparent are you in your life? Do you share yourself with people or do you filter, edit, alter, hold back? Just share the good parts. Do you make light of things? Do you or are you honest? Because if you really want to be seen, you have to allow yourself to be seen and to be willing to ask yourself, why am I not willing to be seen?

Usually it's because of fear. We're afraid of rejection. We're afraid of being judged or ridiculed. We're afraid of the other person's reaction and what they're going to say or do when we're honest when we share who we really are when we tell people this is me we show people this is me we're afraid what what's going to happen. And, and herein lies the root issue, which is believing that what you have to share isn't receivable, isn't good enough, isn't lovable, something like that. I may not get it exactly right for each of you, but for the sake of this conversation,

I'm just poking. You have to sit with that and ask yourself these questions. What am I afraid of by not speaking my truth? What am I afraid of by not letting people see me? Am I scared that I won't be liked? Am I afraid that I won't be accepted? That people will judge me? That they'll think that I'm stupid? That what I have to say isn't right or good enough or valid? Or they'll challenge me, or they'll find out I'm not very smart or that I'm not funny, I'm boring. What is it that you're afraid of? These are deep conversations that you're having deep in your subconscious, deep down

in yourself. And when you actually know and you deal with all this stuff on the inside of yourself and you don't believe those things anymore and you don't tell yourself those things or talk to yourself that way anymore, you know you have nothing to lose. You can put yourself out there in the world in this way, honestly, transparently, and be seen by anyone at any time. And you have to let go of the outcome of wanting to be accepted and liked and approved of and not care what people are thinking, number one. And number two, if you are going to make an assumption about what they're thinking, why would you think that it's not good? Why would you assume that it's not a good response? Maybe it won't be, but not all the time. And if it's not, then that's not your problem. It's just not. So wanting to be liked and accepted and to have approval or validation is often a sign of not having strong sense of self,

not having self-worth, not knowing, not being centered in yourself and knowing that, hey, I'm good. I'm not perfect, but I'm good. And I don't need to be perfect. And I'm, you know, I've got myself here and you can solve this problem. And I actually, if you are somebody who lives this way already, when you live this way, you invite others to live this way. When I, I know that when I am brave enough or courageous enough, or don't give a shit enough to just let it all out there and be myself,

I actually invite other people to live that way too. It gives permission to the people who feel like they need permission to be this way too. And the more you live this way, the more you can live this way. Meaning the more you test it out and try it and stick your neck out of your turtle shell a little bit and see what it's like out there yonder, what it's like to live this way, and you're met with positivity, you're met with none of the things that you're fearing

and all of the things that you hope for, you see that you can keep doing this. So the recap, circumstantial loneliness or situational loneliness is when you really don't have a lot of people to hang out with in your life. It's a season of your life. It just, you find yourself in this place. Maybe you're the first to have kids and no one gets it in your group. And it's just the two of you having kids or a lot of people moved away or you've moved or whatever the issue is. And you are in a situation where you might need to make some new friends locally in your

real day-to-day life. That takes effort and it can be done, but it's not easy. There's a lot of, I just Google it, articles about how hard it is to make friends as an adult. Mark Manson has an episode about that recently. I recommend you listen. It's a good one. So that's, again, circumstantial loneliness. Existential loneliness is way more profound.

It's having a lonely existence. And maybe you are isolated. Maybe you are alienated. Maybe you live in the boonies all by yourself. That's same, but different because you can also experience this profound sense of loneliness in your life, being surrounded by a bunch of people who actually think they know you, but you know, they don't really know you. And that is your fault, my friend. It just is. And as with everything, when you're the problem, you're the solution. It doesn't have to be this way. If this is something that you are experiencing and it's painful and hard for you and you don't like it, you hold the

key to unlock everything for you right here, right now. It's a bitter pill to swallow that you're the problem, but it's also the magic pill. You can do this. You have to just simply have an honest sit down with yourself. Why are you holding back? Why are you not letting people in? What are you so afraid of? What is it that you think is going to happen? Okay.

It's probably not as bad as you think it is. And if you're so hung up on needing the approval and the attention and the validation of others, then that is your relationship with you that needs repair. Okay, so thanks for listening to this brief episode. I hope it was enlightening for you and I will see you soon. Don't forget to like and subscribe and share and rate and review.

If you haven't already that we really appreciate when you do that for us, it helps us get seen and heard. Um, so I'll see you next time. Thanks so much for joining the conversation today. I hope you learned something new or heard something that inspired you to take action in a new way as your greatest champion and someone who truly cares about your love, happiness, wealth, and success, I always want to encourage you to ask yourself this question. How have I contributed? You are the only person who can ask this and the only one who can answer it. This doesn't just change your life.

This changes everything.