The Hilary Silver Podcast - How Trying To See The Good In Others Can Hurt You

Episode Date: August 28, 2024

EP19 - Seeing Good is Bad   Is seeing only the good in others truly noble and a characteristic to aspire to? Hilary debunks the myth that focusing solely on the positive aspects of people is virtuous. In fact, she suggests that this one-sided, limited viewpoint is not only not good for you, but it’s actually a harmful set-up for everyone involved.   Episode Highlights: Hilary explains how idealizing others by only seeing their good traits is a distorted view of reality. Explore how this behavior manifests in various relationships, from parents ignoring their child’s struggles to overlooking red flags in romantic relationships. Delve into the risks of ignoring the full picture, including emotional, mental, and even physical harm. True loving and appreciation comes from seeing and accepting a person’s whole self, flaws and all.   Episode Breakdown: [00:00] Challenging Conventional Wisdom About Seeing the Good in People [01:03] The Problem with Seeing the Good and Examples [03:09] Self-Interest in Seeing the Good [05:15] Consequences of Ignoring Reality [06:08] True Acceptance [08:13] Personal Story    Listener Takeaways: Learn the importance of seeing and accepting people for who they truly are, rather than an idealized version. Understand how setting realistic expectations in relationships can prevent significant letdowns and heartache. Discover how embracing the entirety of a person, including their imperfections, leads to more authentic and meaningful relationships.   Hilary offers new insights into how we connect with others. If you’re looking to build deeper, more authentic relationships, this episode is a must-listen. Learn why embracing the full reality—not just the good—might be the key to avoiding denial and enjoying more honest and fulfilling relationships in your life.   Want more incredible resources from Hilary?  Click here to access all of her free paradigm-flipping tools: https://hilarysilver.com/guides/

Today, what I'm sharing goes against everything that you've been taught about being a good person, and it flies in the face of what society and culture deem virtuous. If you're someone who prides yourself on seeing the good in people, or you hear people saying that they are like this, then you think, gosh, I really wish I could be more like that. This episode is for you. And even if you're not like that, you're going to want to stick around because I'm shaking things up and stirring the pot today. It's one of those episodes where we're just going to turn convention upside down. I'm going to tell you why seeing the good in people is bad. It's bad for you and it's bad for them. And I'm going to leave you with what you should be doing instead. So if you're ready, let's get started. Hi, it's Hillary.

Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. It may seem aspirational and even noble to see the good in people. Those who think of themselves

this way are often very proud of it and wear it like a badge of honor. And the rest of us can sometimes marvel at those who are able to do this, like they're saintly or some kind of special person. We think, wow, that person really lifts others up. They are extraordinarily positive. They really accept people for who they are. But do they really? No, they do not. So let's start with what is really going on here when people see the good in others.

Then we'll talk about why it's bad for the person doing this and then why it's bad for the other person too. Because believe it or not, you're not doing anyone any favors. So take a deep breath because there's a lot coming right now. What's going on here is this. When you choose to see the good in others, you see what you want to see rather than seeing the whole picture, the whole person. So you're seeing the good in others. You see what you want to see rather than seeing the whole picture, the whole person. So you're seeing the good and are ignoring the rest, denying it, pretending it's not there. And what you're doing is projecting onto them who you really want them to be. You're seeing your idea of this person, your idealized version of them, rather than the real person, who they really

are. You're seeing their potential or what you think they're capable of. It's your hopes for them. And so anything that doesn't fit that image is simply ignored, dismissed, or denied. It's your view of them and who you want them to be. It's like rolling out cookie dough and pulling out your favorite cookie cutter in the shape of an ideal lover or an ideal child, and you're pressing down, and then you're pulling away all the scraps, anything that doesn't fit that mold of what you want them to be, and you just discard it and toss it away. So a perfect example of this is the parent who brags about their child's straight A's or their incredible talents, but then completely ignores the warning signs that maybe this child is suffering or struggling in some way. And in the

worst cases, it's withdrawing love or attention or fondness or pride when they are suffering or struggle or somehow don't meet those expectations. It's avoiding and denying all the parts that don't fit the mold of what they want their child to be. It's dating and wanting a relationship so badly and being in a love desert for such a long time that the first bit of attention or affection feels so good. It's like a drop of water on a dried out sponge. So we ignore the red flags or the yellow flags and focus on the good in this person because we want them to be who we need them to this person because we want them to be who we need them to be or who we want them to be rather than seeing them for who they really are. And this

is dangerous. And this is really important. It's somehow you're invested in them being a certain way because if they are that way, you get something out of it. So you fall in love with the idea of this person rather than seeing this person for who they really are. Or you love the out of it. So you fall in love with the idea of this person rather than seeing this person for who they really are. Or you love the idea of the relationship rather than seeing the relationship for what it really is. What you get out of this person being who you want them to be is a life partner. And that means you are loved. A child who excels. And that means that you've done a good job parenting. It's about you and how it serves you to have this person be who you want them to be. And another piece to this is that by not seeing the

things that you don't want to see, you then don't have to face a consequence or take an action that you don't want to take. Like having to deal with a breakup and being single again because they're not who you really want them to be, or having to take care of a mental health issue for someone in your family because that's overwhelming or scary for you or just makes you somehow feel inept, like you didn't do a good job as a parent. Just identifying as seeing the good in people gives you that feeling of being noble. Yes, I'm a good person because I see past problems or potential issues and I just focus on the good. Okay. Can you see that? This is old cultural programming and it goes way back to an ancient Japanese proverb.

We've all heard it. The see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil, right? Those three monkeys with their covering their eyes, their ears, and their mouths. And while it was meant to influence people to overlook impropriety, it's actually also turning a blind eye. And what that looks like for us today is, la, la, la, la, la, don't tell me, I don't want to know, I don't want to hear, you know, just let me live in my little ignorant blissful world. Just let me live in my fantasy world where everything is perfect. Don't burst my bubble. I don't really want to know.

Don't tell me. But you do this at your own peril because sweeping things under the rug does not make them go away. Those things only fester and grow like mold growing in dark places. Seeing the good in people is just that, seeing the good, which exists, but it's not the whole picture. That means that you're not really seeing them for all of who they really are. And it's certainly not accepting them for who they are because that would require seeing it all, the good, the bad, the ugly, and everything, and then accepting the person

in their entirety. Makes sense? There's a big distinction there. So why it's bad for you. When you see the good in people, you are dismissing them, rejecting them for all of who they are, and zooming in on what you want to see. And this is self-betrayal. You cannot trust yourself to see things or see people clearly when you're only seeing what you want to see or just half the picture. And not seeing people for who they are means you are putting yourself at risk. In the best of cases, you're just at risk of being hurt or disappointed. In the worst of cases, you could be putting yourself in precarious situations. You're not protecting yourself and keeping yourself safe emotionally, mentally, financially, or physically, all because you're refusing to see all of this person and what they

are potentially capable of. Having trouble trusting other people comes down to actually not trusting yourself to discern. You cannot discern, is this a person that I can let into my life or not? Okay. That's what happens when you only see the good. Refusing to see all of people is refusing to see the whole picture. Even if it's just small disappointments, people will fall off your pedestal and let you down if you refuse to see them for who they are. Because we are all perfectly imperfect humans. You're going to get blindsided by a betrayal or being let down

or being taken advantage of or hurt in some way if you're not seeing the whole picture. In order to decide whether to have this person in your life, you need all the information, not just some of the information that makes you feel good. So why it's bad for the other person, okay? Not only are you setting yourself up for disappointment, but you're setting them up for failure. Because as I said, it's only a matter of time before they disappoint you. When I first met my husband, I remember him saying to me, you're so perfect. And immediately I was like, no, I'm not. No, I'm not. I am this way and I'm that way. And please don't do that to me. Please. That's not fair. I will fuck it all up and I will

disappoint you or hurt you in some way. If you put me up on that pedestal, I am not perfect. Please see all of me, see all of who I am, my flaws, my faults, my annoying things, and then accept me and love me for all of who I am because I'm a complicated, complex human with lots of parts, some maybe that aren't so good. And when you can see that and still love me and appreciate me and want me in your life, now that is way more noble than seeing the good in someone and denying the rest. I hope that was really powerful what I just shared with you. It was powerful for me just saying it. If this has resonated with you, then I challenge you to notice when you are ignoring that which you don't want to

see. Ask yourself, what is at stake if I see the truth? What am I getting out of seeing what I want to see and not having to look at what I don't? Is there someone in your life that you care about and you are invested in a certain outcome if they are who you want them to be. Once you allow yourself to truly see, you may have to make a decision if the things that you've been turning a blind eye to are deal breakers or not. And if this is a person capable of having a conversation about these things and a relationship worth having that conversation, then please do so. One thing I know for sure is pretending and living

in denial is hazardous to your health and your wellbeing, and it is not living a self-centered life. So I hope this conversation was illuminating for you. If you know someone who does this, please share this video and this podcast with them. You'll be saving them a whole lot of heartache or more. As always, thanks for being here and don't forget to subscribe if you haven't already so you don't miss my next episode. Thanks so much for joining the conversation today. I hope you learned something new or heard something that inspired you to take action in a new way. As your greatest champion and someone who truly cares about your love, happiness, wealth, and success, I always want to encourage you to

ask yourself this question. How have I contributed? You are the only person who can ask this and the only one who can answer it. This doesn't just change your life. This changes everything.