The Hilary Silver Podcast - Life Advice That Actually Sucks

Episode Date: October 11, 2024

Episode 25: Life Advice That Actually Sucks   Social media’s got advice flying at you from every angle—some of it sounds like a hug, but a lot of it just keeps you stuck. Hilary serves up the truth about why taking radical responsibility is the only way to break free and grow. With her no-nonsense approach, Hilary dives into the harmful narratives that TikTok, Instagram, and influencers everywhere are selling—and why they’re keeping you trapped in toxic cycles instead of helping you level up.   Episode Highlights: Hilary isn’t afraid to call out the ‘poor me’ posts that paint overwhelmed moms as victims. She argues that staying in this mindset is harmful and urges mothers to reclaim their power by owning their choices and emotions. Tired of hearing that the workplace needs to change while you do nothing? Hilary is too. She lays out why real empowerment means knowing your worth, setting boundaries, and taking control—no waiting around for systemic changes needed. Sick of every toxic relationship getting blamed on the narcissist? Hilary flips the script, saying personal growth is about looking in the mirror, not pointing fingers. It’s about breaking the cycle by owning your role in these dynamics.   Episode Breakdown: [00:00] Why Social Media is Full of Bad Advice [02:00] The Pitfall of ‘Dramatic Mom’ Content [05:01] Why Victim Mentality is Toxic for Moms [08:01] Owning Your Power in the Workplace [09:14] The Myth of ‘It’s Not You, It’s Society’ [09:36] Narcissists and the Need for Self-Reflection [12:04] Healing Beyond Narcissistic Abuse [13:20] How Radical Responsibility Changes Everything   Key Takeaways: Don’t get sucked in by social media life hacks. They may feel validating, but that doesn’t mean they’re helping. Learn to spot advice that keeps you stuck. Radical responsibility is the real game-changer. Taking ownership of your actions, emotions, and life choices is how you’ll grow and thrive. Stop waiting for the world to change. Whether it’s motherhood, your job, or your relationships, your power lies in what you do, not in what you’re waiting for others to do.   Want more incredible resources from Hilary? Click here to access all of her free paradigm-flipping tools: https://hilarysilver.com/guides/

I have a bone to pick today. In our current TikTok social media climate, anyone and everyone can be an expert, which means there's a lot of misguided advice, misinformation, and quite frankly, a lot of bullshit being broadcast. And so long as these people are entertaining, tragically poetic, or have a way with words,

the public can fall for it. Because what they are saying seems good at first blush and can be so very alluring or tempting, and it seems so very validating. But much of it is so very bad for you and so very wrong. Just because something is validating does not mean it's accurate, and it's certainly not helpful. The truth is much of it is actually harmful.

Listening to this bad advice will keep you stuck, stuck in a bad situation, stuck not moving forward, stuck feeling bad. Focusing on the wrong things will keep you stuck. So on today's episode, I'm giving three real examples of this life advice that actually sucks. I'm literally using real posts from real accounts that have tons of followers on social media, including one author and one public figure. Yeah, you can tell I'm a little fired up.

So let's get started. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. Okay, first off, even if these examples that I've chosen are topics that may not be an exact fit for your life, I really am making a higher level distinction here so I can show you how to read beyond the bullshit. So when you do come across something pertinent to your life specifically, you'll know

what to do to protect yourself from stupid. I really want to point out what's kind of these underlying problems with these posts. And I'm going to start with what my son calls the dramatic mom post. Now, bear in mind, he's 17. And if he can see this, I know you'll be able to as well. There are tons of Instagram accounts just like this one. And I'm going to read a few of them. And as I'm reading them, you're going to start to know exactly what I'm talking about. She's not mad at you. She's tired. She's tired of being needed all the time. She's tired of chasing after balance, but never finding it. She's tired from having her routine constantly interrupted. She's tired of feeling like she

belongs to everyone but herself. She's incredibly grateful for her people and her life, but also so incredibly tired. Or this one. I'm not angry. I'm overstimulated. The TV volume is too high. Multiple people are asking me for different things at the same time. My clothes feel too tight. My hair isn't cooperating. I have a million things on my mind and a never-ending to-do list. I'm not angry. I'm overstimulated and I need a moment to collect myself. Or this one, Please understand that when a mother is raising her voice a little too much or when she's lost her cool, it's not because she doesn't love her children or because she regrets becoming a mom. It's because she needs a break. She's here

every day doing the best she can. She loves her family, but her cup is completely empty. She's everything for everyone all the time, and it takes a toll. Sometimes a mom just needs a break. And this one. Here's the thing. You think she's cranky and ungrateful because you see her irritation and angry outbursts, but what you don't see is that under the surface, she is feeling lost, lonely, unappreciated, overwhelmed, overstimulated, exhausted, and invisible. So listen, I've been there. I have kids. They're teenagers now. And when they were little, my husband had zero control over his schedule. He was doing four 10 or 12 hour shifts in the hospital, gone before the kids were even up in the morning and home after I already had dinner

on the table while I also had my private practice. So believe me, I get it. I have been there and felt that a lot. Had these accounts existed and I saw them, I potentially would have been like, yeah, me too. And that, and that, and that, me too. And I can tell you right now, it would have caused all kinds of bigger problems for me in my head and then in my relationship. These posts suck women in, making them feel seen and heard and understood and like they're not alone. They feel justified and righteous in their suffering. Can you see how tempting and alluring it would be if you were struggling like this?

It's literally like honey to a bee, but that honey is poisonous because this is poor me thinking, martyr thinking, and a victim mentality, blaming her situation or her partner or her family for her feelings. She is not taking responsibility for them at all. And more importantly, she isn't doing anything about it. She is using her exhaustion as an excuse for poor behavior. And here's the most ironic part of all. Her noble, selfless, sacrificing and suffering actually becomes narcissistic because it's all about mom's mood, mom's temper, mom's emotions, all ruling the climate in the house. Everyone ends up taking care of mom. It is all about mom's selflessness and suffering. And mom's mood is the

epicenter of the home. Everyone is tiptoeing around, walking on eggshells, not knowing if mom is happy mom today or angry mom today. And no one wants to set her off. Here's the thing. Kids learn mom is unhappy. Mom is angry. Mom is scary. I can't ask mom for anything because she might yell at me. Kids learn who they are and how to be in this world from the environment and the messages around them. And they are learning, I can't ask for what I need, or I'm not lovable, or if I'm not perfect or helpful. And they may start caretaking mom rather than the other way around, making themselves scarce, being afraid to ask for what they need. So the bottom line here is it's a problem if your kids in your family think you're

mad or resentful. It's a problem if you raise your voice because you're tired. It's a problem if your behavior is being misunderstood by those around you. If you need a break, take one. If you are overstimulated, turn down the TV. If you need recognition, acknowledgement, or help, ask for it. If you need time to yourself, take it. But don't dump your shit all over everyone around you or even just letting it ooze out of you all over them. That is some seriously toxic shit right there. No one is going to come and save you. You have to save yourself. Take responsibility for yourself. And sadly, what happens in our social media world is the algorithm rules everything. It compounds everything. Because the more a woman engages with posts like this,

the more posts she will get served that are just like this. And so all of a sudden, it feels like everyone feels the same and it distorts your reality. Because in fact, there are plenty of moms who feel this way, but take responsibility for their overwhelm and do something about it. The truth is no one is going to fix this for us. If we want this to be better, it is up to us to make it better. That is the self-centered way to take radical responsibility for ourselves. Next, this one is juicy for me. This post is from a woman who started a movement to get moms the support that they need, like childcare, paid leave, and equal pay,

which of course is great and wonderful. I have no qualms about this at all. But no movement alone can be successful when pointing the finger at society or patriarchy or corporate America and expecting things to change. This post literally says, women don't need to change. The workplace needs to change. But waiting for someone or something else to change so we can be happy and get our needs met means we wait forever. The workplace isn't just going to change because women want it to change.

Nothing will change because we simply want it to change. Women do have to change, and we have to change first. And only then will the change that we desire begin to happen. We must individually and collectively show up knowing our worth rather than constantly proving it. And we have to show up expecting our needs and our demands to be met because that is just how it goes for us. We have to be clear what our boundaries are and hold them.

And we have to know what we want to be paid for our role. And if it's not offered, we don't accept. The pay gap will only close if we stop accepting less than we deserve. So yes, women do have to change. And from these changes first, only then will the workplace begin to accommodate. We force the change by showing up that way first, by being that version of ourselves first. So here again, the life advice that actually sucks is it's not you. You don't need to change. Are you beginning to see what I'm getting at and why I get so fired up with all of these posts that are flying around out there? This one is going to continue ruffling feathers,

but let's go. All the endless posts about narcissism, they all focus on the big, bad, scary wolf, the narcissist, and how to outsmart the narcissist, disarm the narcissist, how to protect yourself from the narcissist. All the focus is on the narcissist as the problem, how they are, what they do wrong, how they are so awful. And yes, much of that is true. Again, I have no argument with that information. But if the problem is external, you'll be forever looking outside of yourself for the answers. The narcissist isn't going to change, nor are they going away. But if all the focus is on the narcissist, there is a serious lack of attention and focus on those who end up in relationships with narcissists.

So here are two very important truths. First, focusing on the narcissist as the problem is not taking responsibility for your role in attracting them, being involved with them, staying with them, and you creating this dynamic with them. And so long as all the focus is on them, we only end up in another relationship with someone exactly like that because we aren't seeing how we are contributing to this dynamic and to this problem. I have had clients in the Ready for Love program leave terrible marriages or relationships only to find themselves in another one that is exactly the same because it is they who needed to change, how they've been showing up in the world and in

their relationships. So when you realize where you've gone wrong, you know you will never, ever do that again. But if you can't see where you've co-created this reality, how you've contributed, what you've done, you are 100% guaranteed to do it again. The second point, the more you focus on something, the more of it you're going to get. Where your focus goes grows. So the more you focus on trying to outsmart the narcissist or avoid the narcissist and you have your binoculars out and your microscope out looking for them so you can avoid them, you will get more of them in your life. Also, the very trendy focus of therapy right now is all about healing from

narcissistic abuse, which puts the focus on healing what they did to you rather than focusing on who you are and how you got to be this way. The healing that needs to happen isn't just from what happened in a relationship with a narcissist, but prior to that, who you were before you got involved with that person that made you vulnerable to them, a target for them, a magnet for them, and even drawn to them. The new book all about this called It's Not You makes my blood boil. She is everywhere talking about this, and I just hate it so much because it is 100% you and we want it to be that way so that you can be in control and empowered to address it and not spend the rest of your life on the lookout to avoid the narcissist. You can actually just relax and live your life

and trust yourself that you will know what to do if they cross your path. This post says it all. You attract damaged people because your energy is authentically rare, but very healing. People end up coming back after they've strayed away because they want more access to it. That's why you must value your time and your energy immensely. Stop being the jumper cables to people who have the energy of a dead car battery. They will literally drain you. My response to this is you attract these damaged people because you yourself are also damaged and have a need to be needed. And once you understand that seeing yourself as beautiful, rare, and noble

rather than an equal part of the problem, you can take responsibility for yourself, heal yourself too, and then naturally avoid these kinds of unhealthy relationships. So I'll say it again. The life advice that actually sucks is it's not you. It is you. It always is you, and we want it to be you. That is the only way to truly realize our fullest potential. be the happiest, most fulfilled, actualized, expanded version of ourselves. It's how we make what seems impossible possible in this life. It's the most empowering and liberating thing I can tell you and the most empowering and liberating thing that you can believe. I hope you enjoyed this episode. I will see you next time.