The Hilary Silver Podcast - Recovering From Dishonesty In Your Relationships

Episode Date: May 29, 2024

Episode #9: Your Lover Lying To You Is Partly Your Fault   Introduction In Episode #9 of The Hilary Silver Podcast, "Your Lover Lying To You Is Partly Your Fault," Hilary dives into the complexities of how our own actions and reactions can inadvertently invite dishonesty in our relationships. Building on the insights from the previous episode about trust and truth-telling, this episode shifts focus to self-reflection and understanding the role we play in fostering either truth or deceit from others.   Episode Highlights Exploring the dynamic of how reactions to truth can deter honesty. Practical tips on creating a safe environment that encourages open and honest communication. Understanding the impact of one’s demeanor and reactions in conversations. Insights into the internal and external consequences of inviting lies through our behaviors. Episode Breakdown [00:00:00–00:05:00] Hilary introduces the topic by discussing how our emotional reactions to others' honesty can discourage them from being truthful with us. She emphasizes the importance of self-awareness in our responses to foster an environment conducive to honesty. [00:05:01–00:10:00] The conversation shifts to how certain personality traits, such as strong emotional responses, can lead people to withhold the truth to avoid conflict or hurt feelings. [00:10:01–00:15:00] Hilary provides strategies for encouraging truthful interactions, including "rolling out the red carpet for the truth," a metaphor for actively inviting honest feedback in personal and professional relationships. [00:15:01–00:20:00] The episode wraps up with a call to action for listeners to reflect on their behaviors and make necessary adjustments to promote honesty in all relationships. Listener Takeaways Self-Reflection is Key: Understanding your own reactions and how they may affect others' willingness to be honest with you is crucial. Foster Safe Environments: Actively work to create spaces where people feel safe to share their truths without fear of negative reactions. Encourage Honesty: Implement strategies like inviting honest feedback and being open to it, regardless of its nature. Personal Growth: Recognize and accept that fostering a truthful environment starts with you and requires ongoing effort and adaptability. This episode encourages listeners to look inward and examine how their own behaviors might be contributing to a lack of honesty in their relationships and provides actionable advice on how to cultivate a more open and truthful interaction with others.

When somebody tells you their feelings about something, their opinion about something, what is your reaction? Do you get angry, fall apart in tears? Do you get sad, the high, big, scary emotions or the soft, poor me emotions? Because a response like that, you can see how somebody won't wanna deal with you. Hi, it's Hillary.

Welcome to the Hillary Silver podcast. Welcome to the conversation, everybody. Today, we are diving into part two of our conversation around how to build trust in our relationships. In part one, we talked about how we inadvertently break trust by lying about things without realizing that we are, because we typically think about lying as the intent to deceive. And we also think about lying as basically not telling the truth, which is factual things. And what we talked about last time was that there's a whole new way of really thinking about being dishonest, and that is not sharing our truth. So not the telling of feeling versus the telling of fact. And we talked about all the different ways that we lie to people

and why that is. So today, we're going to flip the equation and talk about the other side of things, which is how we invite lies from people. And so that's what we're going to talk about today. Years and years and years ago, and some of you may, as podcast listeners and people who are interested in growth and personal growth and self-help, perhaps you knew about Periscope when it was out and the thing. Back in the day, it was like 2015, 2014, I had a show on Periscope and I showed up every day talking about these things. And I did a bit called, why your lover lying to you is partly your fault.

And Ooh, did that ruffle some feathers? Uh, but of course, as you know, I kind of like to do that. I like to stir the pot to get us thinking about things in a new way. That's what we're going to talk about today. So, um, basically if we want the truth from people, we have to take responsibility and ownership for our contribution to this relationship dynamic that will either invite lies or will promote truth. It takes two in a relationship. There's a dynamic going on, whether that's boss, employee, colleague to colleague, parent to child, lover to lover, all of it fits all relationships. But if we want to not get lied to, what is it that we need to do to promote this honest exchange, this sharing of truth, their truth, not just the truth. We want people to tell us the truth. It's almost easier to tell the truth sometimes because it's indisputable.

It's fact. Okay. What's harder to tell is our truth because it's vulnerable. It's scary to share our feelings, our point of view, our perspective, our desires, our wants, our needs, okay? Because the potential for rejection, getting judged, all those things that we talked about in our last episode, if you missed it, go back and listen to that episode and then come back and listen to this one because this one will make more sense if you listen to the first one first, to part one first. So I want to ask you this again up front and then you can ask yourself at the end, are you inviting lies or are you inviting the truth in your relationships? I want to make the disclaimer

that when somebody lies to us, it is on them. This is their choice, their decision to handle the situation the way they do. It is not our responsibility for what other people do. But in this relationship dynamic, we all contribute. We co-create the flavor of this relationship, this dynamic. So what are we doing that is contributing, especially if you're somebody that gets lied to a lot? Are you betrayed a lot? Do you get lied to a lot. Are you betrayed a lot? Do you get lied to a lot? Is there a pattern in your life?

Well, then there may be something that you're doing without realizing it that you can easily change after this conversation today that will change that for you in your life. So let's talk about why people lie to us. So ask yourself, do you do these things? When somebody tells you their feelings about something, their opinion about something, what is your reaction? Do you get angry?

Do you get mad? Do you get upset? Do you get elevated and have a big, strong reaction? Do you fall apart in tears? Do you get sad? Do you get disappointed? Do you cry? Do you get emotional in that way? The high, big, scary emotions or the soft, poor me emotions. Because a response like that, you can see how somebody won't want to deal with you, right? If they're going to tell you that whatever it is that they're thinking or feeling about something in any given, about anything in your life, anything at all, and your reaction is to argue with them,

to just smush them, to attack them, to get angry, upset, big elevated emotions, or also big elevated emotions, but that are more crying, sad, disappointed. Oh, poor me. You are inviting lies because I don't want to deal with that. I don't know anybody wants to deal with that. So they're going to tiptoe around you, tell you what they need to tell you to keep you off their back. You're being a pain in the ass. They don't want to deal with it. And I'm not saying that's okay for them to lie to you, but can you see why they would? Can you see why they would?

If that is your reaction. Okay, here's another one. And this is me. I've learned this over time and I'm sharing it with you. If you are somebody who has a powerful presence, if you're very enthusiastic, you get very excited about things, then people in your life don't want to burst your bubble. They don't want to disappoint you. They don't want to go against you. So they may lie by omission or just withhold and not tell you things that may disappoint you. And I have learned over time that this is who I am. I didn't always know.

I wasn't always aware of being that way. But I've learned from the few brave people who did tell me over time, you're just really enthusiastic, Hillary. You're so excited about this. I didn't want to disappoint you. Holy shit, what an eye-opener for me. So what I do, I'm going to give you a solution right now to this. What I do is I invite the truth. I call it rolling out the red carpet. I roll out the red carpet, go out of my way to invite the truth. And what that looks like is, I know I'm so excited about this, but I don't want to do it unless you really want to do

it too. So what do you want to do? Tell me the truth. I hire people to work for me who are going to tell me the truth. When I'm hiring people to be part of my team, it is my number one value in my company culture that we speak the truth. I know that I'm the founder, the owner, the CEO, the leader of this company, but I hire people who are smarter than me. And I don't want them to tiptoe around me. I want them to tell me the hard truths because we're all here to do the best that we can to deliver

what I have to offer in the best way possible. And I need to get out of my own way. So I rely on people to push back. I invite that. I want that. And so it is part of what we have a conversation that we have when they're coming on board. And it is something that we continue to talk about again and again, don't hold back. You're you may, you may disappoint me with what you're telling me. And thank you. Because if what you're telling me is sparing me in the long run, thank you. Thank you for your honest opinion, your expertise. That's why you're here in my life. So for those of you who are like me, who are very strong-willed, I've been told I have a strong personality, raise your hand if you've been told you have a strong personality.

If that is you, then this is probably happening in your life. You're getting people who don't want to cross you. And it may not be because you're scary. It may just be because you're excitable and loud and opinionated and they don't want to disappoint you. Okay. This self-awareness is so powerful. Number four, do you manipulate? If someone tells you something, can you accept it or do you somehow twist it around and make it about you and try to get them to change their mind if you don't like it? Do you argue with them and try to, you know, get them to change their mind? Or can you hear what they have to say and accept that? And if you have to do some negotiating or compromising, you

can, but are people going to share with you or not because you manipulate? You may not even know you're doing it. I don't think people manipulate on purpose, but be aware if somebody is telling you something and you make it about you and you don't like it, what do you do with that? Do you betray? Can you hold something in confidence? I'm not going to tell somebody something if they have a reputation for not being able to keep a secret. OK, are you somebody who can hold hold confidence and are you a safe person for that? Will you use it against them if somebody shares something vulnerable with you, if they share their opinion, if they tell you something that's private or something that's hard for them or something that they've learned about themselves, do you use that against them in the future? Do you bring it back up again in a way, in a later conversation that would be hurtful?

Not good. Not good, people. We're talking about it today because everyone has done it from time to time in some way. One of these things or a few of them. And if you keep acting this way, you're going to get lied to. And it doesn't feel good to get lied to. It doesn't. So we have to do our part to try to make sure that doesn't does not happen. So again, roll out the red carpet for the truth to be told. Make it a safe place. If you want the truth, it's up to you to make it a safe place for the truth to be told. I love having this conversation. Because when we've been betrayed or lied to, we all point to that person as the bad guy. And yes, again, they chose to lie rather than have a conflict with you.

Or they choose to take the easy way out and tell you what they think they need to say to make you happy, placate you, appease you, whatever. Even if that wasn't the truth for them. That's their responsibility. But if you're a force to be reckoned with, if you are scary, horrible, awful to deal with, people aren't gonna deal with you. And they're just gonna lip service. That's what you're going to get.

And it sucks. It sucks pretty bad. So a quickie today is what it was, but hopefully it was a dose of some medicine that you needed to hear the The bitter pill going down, but oh my gosh, the magic pill to foster more direct and honest communication with the people in your life. That's all, that's it. It's kind of simple. So part one and part two go together. I would love to hear your comments.

I wanna know if I left anything out, what you think about it, if you have any questions. So subscribe and then share your thoughts with us. And then also please rate and review so that other people can find us and we can help more people and bring them into the conversation, the more the merrier. Thanks for being here and I'll see you next time. Thanks so much for joining the conversation today. I hope you learned something new or heard something that inspired you to take action in a new way. As your greatest champion

and someone who truly cares about your love, happiness, wealth, and success, I always want to encourage you to ask yourself this question. How have I contributed? You are the only person who can ask this and the only one who can answer it. This doesn't just change your life. This changes everything.