The Hilary Silver Podcast - Stop Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back

Episode Date: November 28, 2025

Unrequited love can take down even the most capable, confident women, and Hilary is done watching smart, high-achieving women lose themselves over someone who can’t meet them where they are. This episode is a call back to your power, especially in those moments when your mind is spinning, your heart is hopeful, and the person you want isn’t choosing you back. Hilary dives into the shame, the second-guessing, and the quiet panic that shows up when you start making someone else’s behavior mean something about your worth. She offers a clearer way to see what’s really happening, why these patterns feel so magnetic, and what becomes possible when you stop interpreting someone’s “no” as proof that you’re not enough. Instead of chasing, contorting, or holding on to hope that never turns into reality, Hilary invites you to be honest with yourself: would you want this person if fear wasn’t making the decisions? She shares the shifts that helped her stop abandoning herself in dating, including the seven things she quit while she was single that opened her up to real love. If you’re ready to step out of the spiral and back into self-respect, this episode is your starting place. Episode Highlights: Why unrequited love hits even the strongest women The subtle ways self-abandonment shows up in dating The lock-and-key truth that makes dating cleaner and calmer The questions that reveal whether someone is actually right for you The seven things Hilary quit that opened the door to real love Episode Breakdown: 00:00 Celebrating Women and the Pain of Unrequited Love 03:03 Understanding Self-Worth and Rejection 05:50 The Key and Lock Analogy in Relationships 09:07 Quitting Behaviors That Sabotage Love 17:58 Embracing Your Innate Worthiness  ✨ I’m Hilary Silver, LCSW, former psychotherapist turned master coach and founder of Ready for Love. I help high-achieving women show up in love as confidently as they do in their careers. 💡 Through this podcast, I share my WOMAN-centered, SELF-centered approach—time-tested methods that blend psychology, brain science, relationship skills, and no-BS dating advice. 🎙️ Since 2017, we’ve helped over 10,000 women with a 98% success rate, making Ready for Love the #1 program in the world for women who’ve tried everything else. ✨ Ready to stop repeating the same patterns and finally create the love you deserve?  🎯 Watch my free masterclass to learn the proven 4-step Ready for Love Method: https://readyforloveinc.com/masterclass 💬 Apply for a free Love Breakthrough Call with my team: https://readyforloveinc.com/apply Links Cozy Earth: Your New Favorite Blanket Up to 40% off their Bubble Cuddle blanket and more.Use Promo Code: READYFORLOVE at CozyEarth.com

Women are amazing. Let's just give ourselves credit for a minute and celebrate us. We raise families, build businesses, crush goals, and hold it all together for everyone we love. If you wanted to, you could go out and make a million dollars. You could climb Mount Everest or run a marathon, even jump out of an airplane because you are unstoppable. But there's one thing. No matter how much effort you put in, no matter how brilliant, beautiful, or capable you are, no matter how hard you try, there is one thing you cannot do. You cannot make someone love you. It's the one thing humans want the most. It's the one thing we want more than anything. But we just cannot make it happen. And when you are interested in someone or even love them, that is just one of the hardest

things to deal with and to feel. So today we are talking about unrequited love, the risk that we take in getting into a relationship and the fear of letting ourselves love someone knowing they may not love us back. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast. There's a particular kind of pain that comes with unrequited love, a punch in the stomach that knocks the wind out of you and makes it hard to breathe. A hollow, aching pain that sits in your chest and burns. You can't eat. You can't sleep your life is on hold and it's been hijacked by all the drama and trauma of a rejection you love them you see them you feel them and you want them and they don't want you back it is one of the most devastating feelings in the world to offer your heart to someone so vulnerably and have them

look right past it to feel invisible to the one person you want to be seen by the most and when that happens, something primal kicks in, a desperate human instinct that says, if I just try harder, if I just become more, if I just fix whatever's wrong with me, maybe they'll love me back. So you question yourself, what's wrong with me? Why don't they want me? Am I not pretty enough, interesting enough, smart enough? Am I not worthy enough? And then, because the pain is so unbearable, you start trying. You start performing, shape-shifting. You abandoning. You abandoning. You abandon. and yourself to become who you think they want you to be. You go into convince mode, chase mode, trying to cajole and control what they think of you. You give more, do more,

be more, and betray the most important person in your life, yourself, all in that desperate hope that maybe, just maybe, if you become someone else, they'll love you back. But here's the brutal truth. You cannot make someone love you. And the harder you try, the worse it gets because now you're not just dealing with the heartache, grief, and loss of something ending or failing to launch. You're dealing with the pain of your own self-abandonment and your own self-betrayal. The person who should have your back, you, has turned on you too. And that is the deepest wound of all. Really think about this. If they don't, love you, why would you love them? Why love someone who doesn't love who you are? When you deeply

love yourself, when you know your worth, when you honor your value, anyone who doesn't appreciate all that you are and love you back is simply not your person. It's a mismatch in values, in vision, in what you hold in common. And yet we make it mean so much more than that. We make it mean we're not enough. And I can tell you this for sure, after 15,000 in-depth conversations with women, and that does not include all the clients that I've worked with over the years. The number one fear in human relationships is rejection. And that is because if we get rejected, we make it mean we're not lovable, not worthy, not worth it, not good enough to be loved. This is the story we tell ourselves. This is the meaning that we assign when someone doesn't love us back. And it's self-inflicted

pain compounding the heartbreak. Yes, it hurts when someone doesn't choose you. Of course it does. You cared about them. You wanted to be with them. That is loss. That is grief and that is heartbreak. But we make it mean so much more and we make it so much worse by compounding the pain. we take a painful situation and turn it into evidence of our unworthiness. We take one person's inability to see us and turn it into proof that no one ever will. And that fear, that deep, visceral fear that we're fundamentally unlovable can create paralysis. If I'm not lovable, it's only a matter of time before the next guy discovers that too. It's inevitable I'll feel this pain again, so why would I even try? And just like that, we become our own obstacle. We prevent

the very intimacy that we long for, that we crave. We become invulnerable, and we close that door and lock it from the inside, protecting our tender hearts behind a heavily guarded fortress where it can't be hurt ever again. All because we made one person's know means something about us that simply isn't true. So here's what I want you to understand. It is not a rejection when it is just not a fit. It is just that, not a fit. You may feel rejected and therefore see it as a rejection. But actually, I don't believe there is such a thing as rejection. If someone isn't wanting you back or loving you back or feeling the same feelings that you feel towards them, It is not a rejection if you choose not to see it as such.

If you see it as it is simply not a fit, it changes everything. So I want to quick tell you a short story. I was watching a show recently where people went to a meetup event and the icebreaker activity was brilliant. They gave half the room a key and the other half a padlock and everyone just had to move around the room trying to find their match. the key that fit their lock and the lock that fit their key. And as I was watching this sitcom, I watched the people moving around trying the keys and trying the locks and moving on when it

didn't work and just trying another. And I thought, yes, this, this is how we want dating to be. Because it really is no different. You are looking for the lock that fits your key and the key that fits your lock. And when it doesn't fit, it's not a rejection. It's just information. It's not a match. So you move on. No drama, no spiraling. No making it mean you're not broken or lovable or not enough. Just, this isn't my person. Next. Next. But we don't do that, do we? Instead, we take the key that doesn't fit and we try to force it and we jam it and we twist it and we file ourselves down trying to make it work and trying to make it fit. And then when it still doesn't fit, we collapse in a heap and decide we must be the problem. But what if the problem isn't you?

What if the problem is that you're trying to fit into a lock that just isn't meant for you? And here's the thing. You already know, but I just want to say it. When you deeply love yourself, You don't chase after someone trying to get them to love you, to convince them that you are lovable and that you are the one for them. They either will or they won't, but you remain lovable no matter what. Let me say that again. You remain lovable no matter what. That stays with you inside of you, and it is not contingent upon what someone else sees in you or feels about you. And when you deeply love yourself, you don't chase.

You don't force it. You don't abandon yourself for anyone else. You simply cannot make someone else love you, nor should you ever try. You will find one of the ones who is the right fit for you. And notice, I didn't say you will find the one. I said you will find one of the ones. Because there are many ones for all of us. It's just a matter of who you meet and when.

And when you do find this person who loves you for who you are, when it's the right fit, you will know it, not because they made you feel worthy, but because you aren't questioning yourself or them, for that matter, you're just at peace. It just fits, easily, naturally, like the key, sliding into the lock. So stop trying to make someone love you. Stop filing yourself down to fit where you don't belong. And start asking yourself, do I even want to be with someone who doesn't see my value and love me? Because the answer should be a resounding no, a resounding fuck no. When clients ask me, Hillary, what did you do to attract your partner?

I always tell them it wasn't what I did. It was what I stopped doing that changed everything. So I'm going to share seven things. I quit. And what happened when I did, when I was single, that allowed me to attract my loss. and key match. Hi, it's Hillary. If you're like me, you want to give gifts that people actually love, the kind that makes them light up and squeal with delight. That was my exact reaction

when I got my first bubble cuddle blanket from cozy earth. I grabbed it and immediately wrapped it around myself. It's absolutely gorgeous, unbelievably soft, and it looks and feels luxurious, so it's the kind of gift that becomes an instant favorite. You'll get texts It's weeks later saying they use it every single day. Whether it's family movie nights, morning coffee on the couch, or curling up by the fire with the book, it's the blanket everyone reaches for when they want to feel cozy. My family loved ours so much, I had to order a second one

because we were literally fighting over it. You can stack my code Ready for Love on top of their site-wide sale for up to 40% off. Shop now at cozyearth.com with code Ready for Love and be the person who gives the super special gift everyone keeps talking about. ones you love in luxury this holiday season. So the first thing that I quit was auditioning for love. I used to show up on dates ready to prove I was worth choosing. I'd have my resume ready,

all the reasons why I'm a catch and all the ways that I'm so easy to love. But that's not love. That's a job interview. So I stopped and I decided I'm going to show up as the real me and let them discover me. If authenticity costs the connection, it wasn't the right connection. And here's what I learned. When you stop trying to be lovable, you start radiating love. And that's what actually draws the right person in. The second thing I quit, initiating and engineering everything. So what that means is no more circling back or no more just checking in, no more carrying dead conversations. So I used to do all. of the work, suggest the date, offer my number, make it easy for him to show up with minimal effort.

But chasing flips the polarity and the more that you pursue, prompt, and prove, the less he has to decide. Your effort doesn't inspire commitment. It teaches him he can invest the bare minimum and still have access to you. So I made a very important declaration. And that is, if he doesn't ask me for my number, then he doesn't get it. And if he can't ask me at on a date, then he doesn't get to go out with me. Too bad, so sad, his loss. And I'm not exaggerating this. The next man, the very next man that I met, is now my husband. And in our very first conversation, he asked me, are you dating anyone? And when I said, no, he smiled in his real cute, mischievous way, and he said, well, you should date me. And it was like electricity went through

my body. I had just decided and declared to myself that I was going to stop doing the work. that wasn't mine to do. High value men are decisive. They step forward when there is space to do so and when you're not doing their part and yours. So instead of initiating everything, I learned to lean back and create space and just match effort, not manufacture it. If he follows through, you reciprocate. If he stalls, you stop. Because the truth is, he's not the only one standing in line for time with you. If he's not doing it, next, the next one will follow suit right in line behind him. The third thing I quit was making myself overly available. I used to bend my life around a maybe, cancel plans with friends, skip my workout,

rearrange my schedule, afraid that if I said no to him, he would walk away. That was just pure anxiety in those initial stages. But that reads as, I'm negotiable. My life isn't that important. You can have me whenever you're ready and whenever you want me. So I stopped. I started calendaring my life first. Workouts, work, friends, downtime, things that are important to me. Invitations from him fit around my life. Availability became a gift, not my identity. And you know what? The right man didn't mind. He worked around my sketch. and he planned ahead and he made it easy because a man who values you values your time and he wants a woman who has a solid amazing life of her own that he gets to become a part of not the center of

the fourth thing that i quit taking crumbs and calling it chemistry big words small actions had me hooked for years i'm so into you but never makes plans you're so amazing but doesn't follow through Let's get together soon, but never picks a date. I was mistaking adrenaline spikes and excitement for connection. So I stopped. I learned to consider only what actually clears. So calls that were kept, plans that were honored, consistency over time, follow through. Real chemistry isn't butterflies and excitement. It's consistency and compatibility. It's words matching actions. It's him showing up, not just showing interest. The fifth thing I quit.

People pleasing and soft boundaries. So laughing off jokes that really just didn't land. Doing all the driving, accepting last minute changes without saying anything, not speaking up when I didn't like something that he was doing. I was so afraid of being difficult or too much that I made myself agreeable and easy. So I stopped. I learned that boundaries aren't walls. They're standard.

and they are the rules of engagement for being in a relationship with me. That's exactly what I teach and ready for love, that your boundaries are considered your rules of engagement for how to be in a relationship with you. And I decided that being difficult is more authentic and interesting than being easygoing and diluted. And the right man respects that, finds that certainty and confidence sexy and next level.

And he'll appreciate knowing where you stand on. things. And that tells him where he stands with you. And the right kind of men, the kind of man that you want to be with, does not want a doormat. He wants you, a woman who knows her worth. The sixth thing I quit. Outsourcing my certainty to him. So fishing for reassurance, decoding mixed signals, asking where is this going just so that I could feel safe. Needing that reassurance meant that I was deferring to him to decide the state of our relationship. I want to say that again, deferring to him to decide what is our relationship. Why is that up to him? It is not all up to him to decide that. I was outsourcing my peace and acquiescing my direction to someone

else's whim. So I stopped, and I learned to get certainty from myself. If it's not moving forward, that's my answer. If it doesn't feel good in any way, it's a no. And so I decide, with grace, you don't need him to tell you where it's going. You can decide for yourself. And actually, if he's the right one for you, you two will decide where the relationship is headed together. And the seventh thing that I quit, and I love talking about this one. trying to win the uninterested. I used to treat unavailable as a challenge as something to overcome. For years I chased after the troubled, emotionally unavailable player types, subconsciously thinking that taming the wild one and converting the non-committal man into a committed man by picking me

was somehow proof that I am actually good enough and worthy. Yeah, crazy, I know. So I stopped. And what self-abuse that was, that was a total setup. And so changing that was completely life-changing for me. And it brings me back to the start of this conversation. If he doesn't love you, he doesn't love you. That's it. And yes, I know that hurts. But that does not mean you are not lovable. No one else has the authority to decide that for you. You were born lovable and worthy, and nothing has changed, no matter what has happened to you in this life. Your worthiness, your lovability is innate, inherent inside of you. It is yours, whether anyone else recognizes it or not. And when you finally believe that, not as a concept, but as a truth that

you know deep in your being, you no longer chase, prove, or perform. Real love isn't something that you conquer. It's something that you receive, and you can only receive it when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are already enough, already lovable, already whole, already worthy before anyone else ever shows up to confirm that for you. This is the foundation of everything that we do and ready for love. We teach women how to stop chasing and proving and performing and become the woman who naturally attracts love just by being her true, whole healed authentic self. If you're ready to stop trying to make someone love you and to start experiencing what it feels like to love and be loved for real, book a call with my team today

at readyforloveink.com forward slash apply. Thanks for listening. Thanks for being here. And if this resonated, please share this episode with anyone who needs to hear it. And please also don't forget to follow the show, leave a review. It really helps other women find this powerful message too. See you next time.