The Hilary Silver Podcast - Stop Sacrificing Yourself For Others

Episode Date: May 15, 2024

Episode 7: Stop Sacrificing Yourself For Others   Introduction Hello, listeners! Welcome back to this week's episode of The Hilary Silver Podcast. In today's episode, titled "Why We Should All Quit Being Selfless (and how this benefits everyone)," we take on the notion of selflessness and its impact on our lives and those around us. We often hear that being selfless is virtuous, but could it be causing more harm than good? Let's explore how embracing a more self-centered approach can lead to healthier relationships and a happier, more authentic life.   Episode Highlights: Understanding selflessness and its hidden costs. The difference between being selfless and being centered in oneself. Interviews and discussions with my Creative Director about real-life experiences and professional insights. Practical advice on shifting from selflessness to being self-centered in a healthy way. Episode Breakdown: [00:00:00] - Introduction to the topic and its importance. [00:01:15] - Hilary shares personal stories and insights on selflessness. [00:15:00] - Discussion with guest Jess about societal expectations and personal experiences. [00:30:00] - Practical tips on how to start prioritizing oneself. [00:45:00] - Q&A session with listeners, addressing their struggles and questions.   Listener Takeaways: Self-Centered is Not Wrong: Understanding that prioritizing yourself is not selfish but essential for your well-being and the well-being of others around you. Reevaluate Personal Values: Encourages listeners to reconsider what they've been taught about selflessness and to understand the positive impacts of being more self-centered. Practical Steps to Change: Offers actionable advice on how to shift from a selfless to a self-centered mindset without guilt. Empowerment Through Self-Prioritization: Highlights how taking care of yourSELF without resorting to negative coping mechanisms or internalization (which leads to dis-ease) leads to a more authentic and fulfilling life.   Resources YOU Really Are The Center of The Universe

Really, by definition, like selfless, self does not equal less. I mean, just the word, the way it's spelled, the way it's written, selfless, selfless. No, self is not less, everyone. Self maybe is not more than other, but in my world, myself is more than anyone. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver podcast. The world doesn't revolve around you. Did you ever hear these words from a parent or a caregiver? Likely this was said to you when you were a child and you were developmentally appropriately wanting something as a child that was important to you and you were relentless and pushing for it, whether it was toys or time or attention,

your busy, overwhelmed, distracted parents said to you in that moment, what was probably said to them, which is the world doesn't revolve around you, meaning stop being so selfish. You're not the only one here, you know, and the message is you don't matter. And what you want isn't important. You're no more important than anyone else. And so let the socialization begin. In today's conversation, I intend to flip that script and to dismantle the long-held belief and paradigm that it is noble to be selfless, because despite what you've been told, you are the center of the universe, your universe, and this is a good thing for you and all of the people in your life.

On today's episode, I've invited again, my good friend Jess and my creative director to join the conversation because, well, Jess has been with me for about 12 years. She's now done, I think, five or six websites with me in that time. And by the way, if you somehow made it to this podcast without finding the hillarysSilver.com website, you should check it out because it's stunning and I'm in love with it. And Jess always delivers the best websites and design and brand, and you should check it out. But I share that with you because, you know, the process of creating a brand and a website is very intimate and Jess knows me like no one else. She knows me inside and out, unfiltered Hillary. And I thought it would be important for her to be here

to have this conversation today because we're disrupting things and again, ruffling feathers. And Jess, you understand where I'm coming from. And so I think, and also, you know, we're both moms and we both run mega businesses. And, you know, I thought it would be fun to have this conversation today with you for all the people who are listening, all the men and women who are listening who need to

hear this message. So welcome to the call today. Thank you. I am so excited to be here. I love this topic. Me too. Okay. So a little bit of background.

Again, like the intro said, we were all taught this. Most of us heard that phrase. There are other phrases that our parents said to us, like things like, I'll give you something to cry about when we were being loud or crying or emotional, like terrible things like that. And I think what happens is in those moments, parents, whether it was your parent to you or you as a parent, because I'm guilty of saying stuff like this, that's really in the heat of the moment, that's not helpful. But I think that this particular message

about the world not revolving around you comes from a place of parents trying to teach children empathy and to live in a society where you're not the only one. But it is true developmentally children until about 12. Our brains just operate that way. And we are kind of self-consumed, self-absorbed. And we learn over time from our parents and how we are raised to not think that way. So a combination of our brain development and our parenting, the mentoring, the messaging. So it's not an all in all a bad message. We have to teach our children, hey, you can't behave that way. There's other people around you. You can't scream and cry in a restaurant. That's not acceptable. So there's some coaching and mentoring that needs to be happening for kids. But there's a difference between

stopping in the moment and actually really doing the coaching and mentoring with your child, which would sound like, hey, Hillary, I know you really need this or want this right now, but mommy's very busy in the moment. So give me just a few minutes and then we can take care of what you need. And that's teaching. Yes, I'm going to take care of you. Yes, you matter. But mommy's doing something else right now. Or I know you really want that. And I know that's really important to

you, but your sister or your brother want this. And so we need to figure out how everyone can get their needs met or how everybody can be happy. And the problem is that's an ideal world and we don't live in an ideal world parents are distracted busy overwhelmed and we're not always our best selves and we say things like you know for the love of god the world doesn't revolve around you blah blah blah and um and what happens is to that child in that moment the message is sh shaming. It's humiliating. How dare you think that you matter? How dare you think that you're important? It's shaming to the child. They think, oh, it's bad to ask for what I want. It's bad to ask for what I need. And I'm bad because I did that. And like I said, and so it begins the indoctrination into this culturally accepted and mandated even way of being, which is I don't matter.

I'm not important. It's bad to be living a life where I have needs and I get them met and I request or ask for what I want. And other people matter more. The selflessness being like literally trained in and pre and programmed into this operating system, which is our brain of how to live. So I want to ask you, Jess, did you hear those messages? Did you, did anybody ever say that to you? Yes, of course. Of course. Yeah. Of course I heard the messages and I've said the messages too. Right. And intentionally not meaning to communicate those things, but just being in that spot, like you said, overwhelmed, busy,

you know, distracted and just trying to get them to just put a pause, right? Not right. I'm not saying no, I'm just saying not right now. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I mean, I've done that, especially when my kids were younger, when, you know, oh my gosh, I felt like my hands were fuller now that they're older. It's different. It's a different season of life. But it's true. Nobody's perfect, but I have learned over time to say things better and to say things differently. And both of my kids are why kids, like they want to know why. And I, I learned if I can explain it to them, like the why of my no or the why of my yes, or the why of whatever decision I'm making. After that, there was no arguing, arguing. There was, they just accepted it. It was so much easier

to give them the minute of explanation. And then it resolved the pushback, the debate, the con, you know, the constant, like pushing for them to get what they need. And I will literally say, I really want to hear what you're telling me right now, but I've got other things that I'm doing in the moment and I can't give you my full attention. So hang on and I'll be with you in a minute because that says you're important to me and you matter so much so that I can't do it right now, but I want to do it when I can give you my full attention. So what happens then? Let's go back to, you know, the initial, oh, the world doesn't revolve around you. And so it begins over and over and over again.

We live in a society and in a culture that really promotes this selfless way of living. Other people matter more. And we hear that in, she would give you the clothes off of her back, you know, and we somehow hold up on a pedestal, people who live this way, taking care of everyone, putting themselves last, this very like false virtue of selflessness, because I, I truly believe that giving a gift you can't afford to give isn't a gift. Um, it's a lie. And, and maybe it's not a financial that you can't afford, but it's a time thing that you can't afford, like doing a favor for somebody that you don't have the time to do, or listening to somebody's problem when you don't emotionally in the moment have the capacity to take that on.

So it's not a gift. It's a lie. But when we believe that it's noble and we are a good person to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of somebody else, it's damaging. And I will go so far as to say living a life very much like this is causing all kinds of disease, dis-ease, discomfort. To me, it's this mind-body connection. We're talking about the mind-body connection, like this is what it is ultimately. When you're not living your truth, living authentically, freely flowing in the world, like this is is what I want and this is what I need and this is who I am and this is how I feel hello world this is me and instead we're holding that back trying to be this good person which is a selfless person which is that I don't matter

and everyone else comes first and I put myself last, we are basically, it's like we're biting our tongues and we're holding back our truth. And why do you think it is that so many more women struggle with autoimmune disease than men? You know, there's a lot of autoimmune stuff going on and, you know, I haven't done the scientific research with, you know, quantitative analysis and my white lab coat, but I can tell you year after year, client after client listening to this, those who have thyroid disease, Hashimoto's, any kind of autoimmune disease at all, are people who live this way. Because by definition, autoimmune is your body attacking itself. What happens when you are stuffed down? When you are pushed down and you're holding all that in, to me, that's toxicity.

And it's you attacking you by not freely flowing and letting it all out and being free in this world. So what do you think, Jess? Do you see that in your world and the work that you do? You work with some of the top health and see that in your world and the work that you do? Like you work with like some of the top health and wellness experts in the world, in the mental health space, in the wellbeing space, in the health, like you work with these people. What do you see? Yeah. And I also work, let me just add onto that because I also work with mostly women, mostly high powered, extremely successful

business women who are also mothers. So I also see this kind of behavior in other clients, right? Who are extremely successful overachieving just basically bottom line, they make a ton of money, right? But I also see that in these same women women there tends to be a trend of either self-abandonment I'll watch a lot of them go through phases where I can see they're really not taking care of themselves right or they're they're just deprioritizing right and I have also been guilty of that I've had an up and down struggle with weight myself, stemming from that kind of behavior, right? Of just putting my own self just completely last, not even last on the list, just not on the list at all, right? Completely focusing so much on my business,

so much on my family, so much on meeting other needs all the time, everywhere. If you're demanding high power clients, trying to make them happy. Yeah, exactly. And not being able, not being equipped, right? To understand, okay, yes, I will do the job, but I will do the job at the time that the job should be done, right? And putting myself first, understanding that that doesn't only help me, but that also helps the client.

Because if I'm not showing up as the best version of myself, how am I supposed to help somebody else? How am I supposed to help somebody else build their business when I'm brain foggy, exhausted, tired, burnout, all those other things, right? Like you're not showing up in your best way to help other people. And that applies to our kids as well, right? Just showing up for them when we're not showing up as our best selves, like we're just giving them an empty shell. Yes. Second best.

This is the perfect time. So I wanna insert here that like I wrote this down and I'm gonna read it because it's a quote from an Instagram post. I'm not going to name the account, but there is a lot of this going on, a lot of this going on, which is glorifying this nobility of being a martyr. And it says a lot that accounts like this are so highly followed and they go viral because, A, so many women and men, too, feel this way. But, B, they want to feel seen and vindicated. And, yes, I feel that way.

You get me. You know, this struggle is real. But when I read it through the lens that I see the world is I see the problem in it. So let me read it. This post says, moms aren't angry. She's overwhelmed. She's burnt out. She puts everyone else's needs before her

own. She's exhausted from life admin. She's tired from carrying the mental load. She's overstimulated from the amount of noise her day is filled with. She's feeling intense mom guilt that anything she does isn't good enough. She doesn't recognize herself. She's drowning in motherhood and it's often mistaken for anger. And like, I think it just, it caught fire and other posts by other people like that are going viral. So again, it tells me there's a lot of people who feel this way, which is a problem.

It's an epidemic. But we're not solving the problem by over-identifying with this as if we all get a gold star for being this way. It's being held up as, yes, you deserve an award for your suffering. And I see this and I think, oh my God, this is really glorifying the victim mentality. Because, and here's the crux of our conversation, this is self-imposed. It is self-imposed. Look, the realities of motherhood are real. Women do carry the mental load. If you're in a heterosexual relationship, women carry the mental load. If you're in a same-sex relationship or any other, you know, whatever kind of relationship that you're in and you have parents or you are parents, then one of you is the primary caregiver. One of you is functioning more as the manager and the

other is more, you know, free spirited. That's Dave Ramsey language. One of you is the free spirit and one of you is the manager. He talks about that in finances, but it's kind of true in how we set up our lives. So in this case, we're talking about moms being this way. And so the problem is, and this is what's hard to hear, people want to feel righteous in their suffering. Look what I'm doing, everybody. I'm taking care of everyone else, but me, you know, and it's not noble because here's the thing you end up suffering. You might make everyone around you happy, or you think that you're making them happy because you're doing all these things for all people, the PTA, your neighbors, the community, your church, all the places that you belong, your friends, your clients, you think that you're making everybody happy and spreading yourself so

thin in the meantime that maybe everybody in your life is happy, but you're not. And the faulty thinking here is that we need to sacrifice ourselves to make everybody else happy when in fact, I don't believe anybody wants us to be doing that. I don't. I don't want anyone to do something for me if they cannot do it, they do not want to do it. If it's not good for them to do so. Because again, this goes back to one of our lying episodes. It's lying and I don't want to be lied to. And I don't want somebody to sign up to do something for me and then feel resentful towards me for that.

Because I didn't do it, they did. So the second problem with this, and this is the most important thing of all, thinking that moms, moms thinking that they need to be this way or people in general thinking they need to be this way. But in the case with this quote that I just read is that if everyone is thinking mom is angry, is that actually really good for anyone? It's not. Because I work with adults who had moms who were like this, and I can tell you it's damaging to their little spirits. It damages their self-worth. They grow up and they tell me in their 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s even, I grew up with my family in my household where my mom kind of made it clear she was miserable.

She was unhappy. She was resentful. She was unfulfilled. She was angry. My mom didn't like her life. I felt like my mom didn't like me. I felt like I had to take care of my mom. I felt like I couldn't ask for what I needed because my mom was already overwhelmed.

And that teaches children to, again, this selflessness. I better not speak up because I don't want to cause more work for my parents. I better not ask for anything because my parents are already overburdened. I might just be told, stop being so selfish. And there it goes, generation after generation after generation. But it's so, a mom acting this way is not good for her, her mental health, her quality of life, her soul. And it's actually not good for anyone, her mental health, her quality of life, her soul. And it's actually not good for anyone around her who feels this oozing out of her. You can't hide that. You can't. She even said, mom's not angry. It looks like anger. Well, I don't want to walk

around in my life having my family think I'm angry all the time. And the insidious part of this that I'm calling out today is that we're doing it to ourselves. No one's making us do this. We choose to have kids. We do. We choose to have kids. One, two, three, ten of them. Oh my god. You know, we choose to have kids. And while it's true, I don't think we're really kind of prepared for what that does to us and the tasks and the load that we take on when we have kids. We're not kind of told these things and there's no way to prepare for it. It feels like if I knew that this was what my life was going to be like after having kids, maybe I wouldn't have had kids at all. Who knows? But nonetheless, we are adults and we're making these choices. So personally for me, when I feel myself slipping into poor me thinking, poor me, I'm a victim to my family,

I'm a victim to my life that I've created. I got to accomplish it on myself. And it quickly pulls me out of feeling like a martyr or a victim in my own life that I've created by choice. My kids don't have to carry the load of my overwhelm and, and my household doesn't have to suffer because I'm depleted and exhausted. So, and no one's going to pat me on the back or give me a gold medal for suffering. They would all rather see me make time for myself. They would all rather see me delegate, hire help, ask for help, be more organized so that everyone has a job to do in the house, take the load off, you know?

So I know it's like a big, heavy hitting message, but it's, it needs to be said. Did I get it all? Just, you've heard me say this shit over and over. You hear me all the time saying these things. And when I see this shit come across my feet on Instagram, you know, I'm messaging it too. And I'm like, wait, stop doing this. Did I, did I get it all? What did I miss? I don't think you missed anything. I think that a lot of us are raised that this is a values based way to live, right? We're told, okay, this is, this is the best way to live. And that is, you know, the golden rule way, right? Treat others, like treat others the way you want to be treated. But what that is, but you can,

but the reverse is also true. Treat yourself the way you treat others, right? And if it was messaged to us that way, treat yourself the way you treat others. I think that's the more valuable way. Yeah. Because that isn't teaching us, that's teaching us empathy. It's teaching us that other people do matter. Right. But it's also teaching us that, Hey, I fall in that category too. I am a person too. Yeah. I don't understand the golden rule way of like, again, it's indoctrination from a very little, when we're little, from a very young age, all of us are being sent these messages. It's bad to be, to make yourself important. It's bad. But then when we're adults, we're trying to decondition that with language, like love yourself first, put your own oxygen mask on first, you know, all that crap.

But if we could just like learn as a society to change the way we're talking about it from a very early age, there's not a lot of damage to undo at some point. And really, by definition, like selfless, self does not equal less. I mean, just the word, the way it's spelled, the way it's written, selfless, selfless. No, self is not less everyone. Self maybe is not more than other, but in my world, myself is more than anyone because I have to recognize, am I doing something for other that isn't good for me? Because if it's not, then I need to think very carefully, thoughtfully, and intentionally about whether I'm going to do that thing or not. Sometimes I still will, but I'm not doing it from a place of sacrifice. I have to,

I need to be a good person, blah, blah. I'm doing it because, you know, I actually do have the capacity. Maybe I don't really want to right now, but I think I'm going to be happy with myself for doing it later because this is in alignment with my values. It's not saying I'm never going to give to other people and that other people don't matter, but we have to, you know, when people have a radical approach to something and they're so extreme to one side of a spectrum on something, they seem so radical. And maybe that's not for everyone. For me, it's not. But we need those people to push the limit so that all of us can slowly move over just a few degrees. And so I'm not taking a radical approach to this and living that way to the umph degree. But I do want to point out, we all can make inroads in shifting this for ourselves.

Because we, it's just not good for us. It's just not. And so when we're talking about the world, not revolving around us, it does. Years ago, Jess, you created a little graphic for me to go with this. I mean, I've been talking about this for probably 14, 15 years now. And in the, in the little graphic, maybe we can recreate it and throw it in the show notes. Let's do that. But the original version of it was, you know, the circle and the circle is you. And then within you, like everything sprouts like a sun ray, you know, like for those of you who aren't watching this podcast, but you're listening, you know, imagine like,

you know, the sun rays, you like, you know, the sun rays, you know, shining out from this, from the sun, like we are the sun in our own life and everything orbits around us. If I show up full and whole and healthy and happy and healed and fulfilled And fulfilled and not depleted, I have more to give to all the other areas of my life. My kids are happier with me and those relationships are better. My partner is happier with me because I'm not crazy, grumpy, pissed off, stomping around or whatever. I'm not short or short-tempered or whatever, because I'm a better me. My business thrives when I'm not running on fumes or I'm feeling resentful because I've taken on too much. By the way, I've done that to myself. So I think it's important for us to all have this new visual in our lives. That we are at the center. Of our own universe.

And we come first. We do. And these moms. You know going back to that message. It's up to her. The momming reality is real. And. Our suffering. suffering benefits no one. And everyone feels the effect of it. Do you want your people in your life to tiptoe around you?

I don't. I don't want them. And, oh my God, the greatest paradox here, the greatest irony of all is in being so selfless, you end up being completely narcissistic because you're so like, everyone's tiptoeing around you. Don't upset mom. Everyone's thinking about mom. Everyone's thinking about how mom is not happy and mom needs to be taken care of and don't upset mom. Don't give mom any more trouble, blah, blah, blah. So you think you're being selfless, but in fact, your misery oozing out of you is affecting everyone around you. So do everyone a favor, yourself first, make yourself a priority. You are not self less. You are self more first, and then you have more to give from a full flowing cup. Make everybody else around you or allow everyone else around you to feel more peace and calm with you because you are happy and you've decided to put yourself first. That's what I have

to say about that. Yeah. I love that. And I will, I will add this though. I think there are seasons, right? If you are the mom of a newborn, if you are the mom of a chronically ill child, if you are the mom of someone, a child that's just had an injury. I have a child that's just recently been injured. And, you know, those times, or there are times in our lives when we have to take certain steps, right? But if we live consistently in that self full place, then when the time comes that we're called upon to, okay, this is an emergency situation. Now I have to pour out more than I normally would. Now I do have to drop back a few steps.

We are in a better position to do so. If we're already so depleted, so exhausted, so resentful, so just enraged, right? How can we possibly deal with the things when they happen right exactly that's a great point much harder that's a great point there are times when life calls upon us to give a lot and when you're in this in um when you just practice self self more self first regularly, you have an abundance to give from in those times. And even in those times, if you can even just five, 10 minutes, find 10 minutes. Like I started when my kids were little, I started waking up early and then my kids were early risers. Oh my God. They woke up at five 30.

They were taking their first naps at like nine o'clock in the morning. I was like, oh my God, this is the longest day ever. But I started waking up before they did to have my time to myself because I needed it. And, and so there's always little moments or pockets of time that we can still take time for ourselves. I watched my mother-in-law care for my father-in-law as he was dying and she had nothing left. And she ended up needing like PT by the time he passed away because her back hurt from always doing all this stuff. And she was up needing like PT by the time he passed away. Cause her back hurt from always doing all this stuff. And she was refusing to get help. And like, that's not good. It's just not good. You know? And we have to take care of ourselves in order to take care of others.

We just do. It sounds so, so cliche, but we're going beyond the cliche of this. It's not just like put your oxygen mask on first. It's more than that. I know you hate that phrase. It makes your eyes roll. I hate it so much because I am in this online messaging space. And because of that, I do tend to see these cliches over and over and over again. And the self-care lie, the way self-care is being messaged is because they're selling you something.

Right? It is not the self-centered message that you're talking about. It's something completely different. It's a bait and switch. It's a, Hey, this is how you're going to take care of yourself, mom. So add one more thing to your to-do list. Yeah. Right. And that is just, that's just making it worse. We're just flapping lipstick on the pig and saying, okay, this is all fixed now. Go live your life. All your problems are solved. You've taken the time for your own self-care, but the way that self-care is being

messaged is bony baloney. Yeah. And it's not about getting a massage unless you really need it. Cause you have issues. Like when I'm getting a massage and I, and sometimes it takes me away from what I really need to be doing and I find myself like, can you hurry up? I got things to do. It doesn't have to be that way. It can literally be five minutes to drink, if you have one, how you're going to delegate. My husband and I just had this conversation last week because we used to do this and we fell off the wagon. We got out of the habit of it, which is having a weekly meeting with each other and checking in. And how are things going for you? And how are things going for you and how things going for you? And what do we need to do to make this easier for both of us and what's going on here? And what are the things that the kids have going on so that it's not all on me and it's not, and I'm not delegating like we, this is, this is, it takes an extra step sometimes to then make it easier on the back end. But we're not adding things to the to-do list

for people who are already feeling exhausted. It's not go get your nails done, do this, have to do this, now I have to add on and blah, blah, blah. It's a different way of thinking. That's all. It's just a different way of thinking. And we all have time for that. We all have time to catch ourselves noticing when we're being selfless and putting ourselves in a situation where we're doing something that's coming at a cost to us. And therefore, by the way, everyone else is going to pay for it because you won't be happy. You'll be grumpy. You'll be resentful. You'll be pissed off. You'll be angry. And then it's oozes out. You can think that you're pretending, but you're not like the lipstick on a pig. You're still like a pig. And

you know, like you could pretend that you're being kind and nice, but secretly everyone knows it oozes out of us when we think it's not. Yeah. And I just, if it doesn't ooze out, then it stays in. And that's what you're talking about. The auto immune and all of that stuff. Exactly. Or it explodes or, you know, you stuff it all in until you like your, you know, your top flop flies off and you're just like exploding. you flip your lid. That's not good either because nobody knew it was coming. It comes out of nowhere. You know, we're just not being our best selves. So I think we nailed it here. I want us to end with the clip from Jim Gaffigan. We had such a good laugh about that. So we're going to, you know, end with this.

I don't get the mirrors, you know. I don't want to see myself working out. I know what I look like. That's why I'm going to the gym. Honestly, there's some people that do want that, right? They're like, if I'm going to be working out, I want to look at something like myself. I want to look at myself while I work on myself.

I should do a recording so I can listen to myself while I look at myself while I work on myself. As I leaf through my self magazine. Read how myself can improve myself. Maybe I'll go to my Facebook page and look at photos of myself.

Read what myself has written about myself. Yo soy muy importante. It's just the juxtaposition, right? Nobody wants to be the self, self, self, self, self. And look at me. We live in a selfie culture. We're all afraid of being called narcissistic. We're all afraid of being called selfish.

Yet, it's just this great paradox here, right? Selfless is the way to live. And then you suffer and everyone else around you suffers. But God forbid you take care of yourself. God forbid you actually have confidence in yourself and you love yourself and you set limits and you make yourself a priority. People are going to say, Oh, she's too full of herself. Don't be afraid of that. Everybody there's it's not narcissistic to have good boundaries. It's not narcissistic to say no and to set limits and to make yourself a priority and to do things's. It just is. It's not noble to be selfless. There is no nobility in your suffering, in your martyrdom, in your victim mentality.

When you fall into victim thinking, notice it and own it and ask yourself, I literally want you guys to do this. This is what I do for myself. Oh my God, I'm totally being a victim right now. Hillary, you've done this to yourself. Fix it. Fix it. You know, even if it's just a mental fix, stop thinking about yourself this way. This is your life. You created it. You know, even if it's just a mental fix, stop thinking about yourself this way. This is your life. You created it. You made these choices and then make a change, make a change, stop doing the shit that you don't really need to be doing. There's a lot of things we're doing that we don't need to be doing because we think we get a gold star for doing them. Thanks so much for joining the conversation today. I hope you learned something new or heard something that inspired you to take action in a new way as your greatest champion and someone who truly cares about your love,

happiness, wealth, and success. I always want to encourage you to ask yourself this question. How have I contributed? You are the only person who can ask this and the only one who can answer it. This doesn't just change your life. This changes everything. Thank you.