The Hilary Silver Podcast - Take Back Your Power & Stop Caring What Others Think

Episode Date: July 31, 2024

Episode #15: Take Back Your Power & Stop Caring What Others Think Introduction In this episode of The Hilary Silver Podcast, Hilary addresses a common struggle many of us face: the concern about others' opinions. If you've ever felt burdened by worrying about what others think of you and wish you could just stop caring, this episode is for you! Hilary offers a thoughtful exploration of why this concern is not only unnecessary but also harmful, and provides actionable advice on how to liberate yourself from this mental trap. Episode Highlights Understanding the psychology behind caring too much about others' opinions. The damaging effects of basing your self-worth on external validation. Practical strategies for gaining freedom from the need for approval. Hilary’s personal insights on maintaining authenticity in a world that pressures conformity. Episode Breakdown [00:00:01 - 00:02:00] Introduction to the topic and its relevance. [00:02:00 - 00:10:00] Deep dive into the psychology of why we care about others' opinions and the negative impacts of this concern. [00:10:00 - 00:20:00] Hilary shares powerful, real talk truths and strategies for overcoming the need for external validation, promoting a journey towards self-acceptance and genuine self-worth. [00:20:00 - 00:30:00] Concluding thoughts and call to action for listeners to start applying these insights in their daily lives. Listener Takeaways Awareness is Key: Recognize when and where you are most affected by others' opinions and start to question why. Authenticity Over Approval: Embrace your true self and let go of the need for external validation. Mind Your Own Business: Focus on your own thoughts and feelings rather than trying to control or predict others'. Reject Rejection: Understand that not everyone will like you, and that’s perfectly okay. Embrace those who appreciate the real you. Live Freely: Apply the strategies discussed to actively stop caring about others' opinions and start enjoying a more authentic, anxiety-free life. This episode encourages listeners to shift their focus from external approval to internal self-acceptance, fostering a healthier, happier life.

I want to repeat this. Your opinion of you matters way more than anyone else's opinion of you. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. If you are someone who cares what other people think about you, but you really wish that you could let that go and stop giving a fuck, this episode is for you. And what I'm sharing with you today is so powerful that if you actually take it all in, it will set you free forever. So if you are new here, welcome. I'm so glad that you found me. Please just rate, review, and subscribe on whichever is your favorite podcast platform. It does two things. It helps me and it helps you. How it helps me,

it circulates this podcast and it lets the algorithm know that this is useful content. So other people who need to hear all of this will actually be able to find me. And it helps you because then you will never miss one of my episodes. So let's dig in to this conversation today. I'm going to be giving you a behind the scenes look at the psychology about what is really going on inside the minds of people who really care a lot about what other people think. I'm also going to be sharing with you just how damaging and debilitating and destructive this is and the consequences of it. But most importantly, at the very end, I'm going to be giving you this real talk truth, straight up truth that you and everyone needs to hear that will put an end to this problem right

now. So if you struggle with this or have in the past, you know exactly what a heavy burden this can be. And sometimes people struggle with this and don't even actually realize it. And it is still a burden and they're just not sure what's causing it. So just listen along and see if it resonates and see if any of this sounds like you. And as I'm speaking about it, and it does feel true for you, one other thing I want you to be thinking about is where do I do this the most? In what area of my life? Is there something about that specific area of your life that causes this? Is there a certain person in your life or people in your life who caused you to be this way?

Just this is going to help you create a lot of awareness for yourself as you're listening. So I want to start with this disclaimer. I want to start off by saying that I don't really think it's true or possible for any of us to not care at all what other people are thinking. It's nice to know that somebody respects you or that somebody agrees with you or that they like you. And the opposite is true. It sucks to find out that they don't like you. It just sucks. Okay. I can't deny that. And I don't think anybody should pretend that that's not happening because it just is. But when it becomes a problem is when it matters so much that it changes your behavior, that it affects your mental health or your wellbeing, or it has you changing yourself

in some way, becoming somebody that you're not and causing you to be inauthentic in your life. So what's going on here at the subconscious level, meaning it's not in our conscious rational mind, it's not something that we're aware of, but it's going on underneath the surface. So what's going on at the subconscious level is a need for approval, a need for acceptance, a need for validation.

It's the seeking of enoughness from external sources. So some people seek their enoughness from stacking their achievements or their accomplishments. Some people stack their credentials. They can't get enough letters behind their names to feel good enough. For some people, it's how many followers you have, how many friends you have, how many likes you get on social media. For some, it's how much money you have, how many friends you have, how many likes you get on social media. For some, it's how much money you have in the bank or how many dollar signs you have, right? So what I can tell you is that it's never going to be enough to fill that deep void that's going on inside, which we're going to come back to in just a minute. And in this case,

as we're talking about today, it's being liked by others, being accepted or admired by others. And so it's like stacking the evidence one person at a time that you are likable and good enough. And when someone likes you, or at least they aren't thinking bad things about you, then you are okay that your existence is validated. You are enough. Thank goodness for that, right? Like stamp of approval. I've arrived. Yes. And the more of those you get, the better you feel. So you think, but again, as I said, it's never enough to actually fill the void. So let's talk about that void. It may seem obvious what's causing this, but let's dig into it. The void is like having a hole in your soul. It's true. It really is. It's a profound lack of self-worth, a lack of security in yourself, a sense of self. It's your insecurity about your own self. And it's what I call an identity problem.

This is a relationship with yourself problem. And you're seeking to resolve that externally. You're going about it all wrong. Identity is what you are thinking about yourself, how you feel about yourself, what you believe about yourself, how you talk to yourself, your self-concept. It's all that inner world that then drives the outer world. It fuels the outer world, which is your behavior, your choices, your actions, how you're engaging, how you move through outer world. It fuels the outer world, which is your behavior, your choices, your actions, how you're engaging, how you move through the world. And this lack of sense of self really creates a deep fear of rejection. And that means that people who operate this way, who are driven and compelled to find their worth and their value by what other people think about you, is that you'll do whatever it takes to avoid that rejection from happening. So if your worth is contingent upon externals, what other people are thinking about you, which is, again, something that you cannot control,

you will try so hard to control it. You will. You will try, try, try. And you will stop at nothing to take measures or to make sure that you can influence what other people are thinking about you as much as possible to the degree that you are betraying yourself in the process, meaning you're not being true to yourself, but rather you're saying what you need to say for people to agree with you, to approve of you, or to like or accept you. And here's the thing that makes it even harder. It's compounded by the reality that everyone is different. And if everyone is different, then you're going to constantly find yourself in this mode that I call shape-shifting. You're shifting your shape into

whatever you need to be for each different person's approval. And this can look like hanging back at the back of the room, trying to get a feel for things before you show up rather than just walking into the room and engaging. It can look like biting your tongue, being really neutral, kind of being slow to open up. And in the meantime, you're trying to figure out who is this person? What are they all about? What are they like? What do they think? What's their deal? Before you start expressing yourself, before you communicate or share your opinions, because you don't want to offend or say something that will give them a reason to not like you. And that has you editing, modifying yourself in some way. It's bending yourself or contorting yourself into whatever you think you need to be in order to have the outcome of their approval so that they think good things about you.

And if they don't like you or don't think good things about you, then it only just confirms the deep subconscious limiting belief or fear that you have that you are not good enough as you are, which is the driving force behind all the reason to be changing in the first place. So why is this so damaging, debilitating, and destructive? I'm going to give you a lot of reasons. Number one, it causes people to be inauthentic and to not just be their true selves. And that means that genuine, true, authentic connection with other people cannot be happening. If no one knows the real you, they can't actually like the real you. They don't get to know the real you, and there's no connection at all. And then what happens is that creates number two, which is a deep, profound sense of loneliness in this world, because if nobody knows the real you, they only know the false projected version of you. They may not know that, but you do. And so you don't feel like anyone actually really knows or appreciates or values the real you because you're doing all this representing of yourself, okay? Number three,

it causes a lot of anxiety because you can't possibly know what everyone wants from you all the time. And so you're always guessing or wondering or worrying who you need to be at any given moment to please each different person who may cross your path. Okay. Number four, it is a total distraction. You can't be present in the moment. If you're constantly thinking about who you need to be or what you need to say, you're not just being who you are and saying what you want to say. So it's just distraction. And that can cause social awkwardness or social anxiety. Okay, that's another reason, but I'm not going to get into that one. Number five, relationships are

built on the facade, the lie of who you are, the misrepresented you. It's misleading and it's a form of betrayal. It just is plain and simple. All these relationships are based on a lie. If you are changing yourself in some way so that they like you or approve of you, they're not really knowing the real you. And you might know that, but they don't. And it is misleading and it's betrayal and it's a lie. And number six, the more you change yourself, the more you actually create the very rejection you are so desperately trying to avoid in the first place.

Because most people can sniff out inauthenticity. And when you have something to hide, you will never let anybody close. So as long as you are pretending to be somebody you're not, you're going to hold people at a distance. So not only can they feel this distance, they can feel that they're not, they're only getting so close to you or so far in this with you before they're like, oh, there's something missing. Oh, we're not going very deep.

Or they can feel the inauthenticity. And so all of these are reasons that it basically, like it's biting you in the ass. Going about filling your cup this way, filling yourself up this way, and is a frantic effort to avoid this rejection. But in so doing, you are actually creating it. It's kind of a paradox. I really can go on and on with all of these reasons why it's so bad, but I think we get

the idea. Let's move on. We're going to now talk about how to fix this. And I want you to just take this all in. And if you work on implementing these things and really kind of taking this to heart and reminding yourself of these things, it will set you free. So six things to think about. Number one, you are mind reading when you operate this way because you have no idea what other people are thinking. You don't. And to be honest, it's none of your business. Get yourself out of their heads and just back into your own. And I don't even want you to be in your own head, but get out of their head because you do not know what they are thinking. You cannot mind read. You do not have a crystal ball, none of that. So if you try, if you can, try to catch yourself thinking about or wondering about what they are thinking and trying to figure

out how to change yourself because you don't have the power to mind read. You do not. Okay. Number two, you think you have the power to control what other people are thinking about you. You do not. Okay. Number two, you think you have the power to control what other people are thinking about you and you do not. You can't control what other people are thinking. And it's going to eat up so much time and space and energy in your life trying to do so. And here's the thing, trying to get someone to do something is manipulation. And I know that nobody wants to be called a manipulator. Nobody wants to be accused as manipulating because that just feels ew, right? It's gross. But that's what's happening. When you do something to get someone else to do something, it's manipulation, especially if it's not overt. It's not asking. If you're not

asking for something from somebody and your behavior is kind of going through the back door, it's like sneaky, a sneaky way to get them to do something for you, it's manipulation. So by lying about who you are, changing who you are to try to impress upon them that they should like you or approve of you, you're being manipulative. And I know nobody likes to hear that. Nobody wants to be called that. And that's why I'm saying it because it might stop you in your tracks. Like stop doing that. You don't need to do this. You don't, but it feels ew, right? Doesn't it? So number three, this is a biggie. You are assuming that if you are just being your real true self, they will think bad things about you.

Ask yourself, why am I assuming that they won't like me instead of assuming that they will? Why assume that anybody would not like you? Why would you assume that they're thinking not nice things or that they, you know, why assume the negative? And that's a rhetorical question on my end, because the answer is you don't like those things about yourself. You are projecting your own insecurities or inability to accept certain parts of yourself or things about yourself onto other people. Now it's true, if you don't like certain things about you, maybe they won't either, but you don't know that, maybe they will. Like not everybody likes or dislikes the same traits or qualities in others,

but you're projecting your own self-rejection onto them. I would much rather live my life assuming, if anything, that people like me rather than assuming they don't. And I can't control it and I'm not going to worry about it and I'm not going to wonder about it and I'm not going to change myself to get it. I'm just going to operate under the assumption that if people are thinking about me, what they're thinking is nice, is good, is positive. I choose to believe that. And it may not be true, but I don't know, I never will, and I don't care. Because I like me, and that's all that matters in the end. I want you to feel that way about you because it's the best way to live. It really is. So if you

start asking yourself, what is it about me that I think they won't like, it will lead you to the answers that you need to be working on with yourself. What parts of yourself need love and self-acceptance? Okay. So that's a biggie right there. Number four, remember at the beginning when I said, I don't think it's true that people don't really care at all what other people think, because it's nice to know if somebody respects you. It's nice to know if people like you and that it kind of does feel bad when you find out the opposite is true. So the issue here is that you are placing more value on what other people think than on what you think. This is a cognitive distortion. It's a twisted way of thinking about it. Okay. Ask yourself, why do you care more about what they think about you than what you think

about you? You have them up on a pedestal somehow. Remember in middle school, we used to say, who died and made you God? Or who died and made you boss? Remember that from middle school? That's kind of what you're doing. You are like surrendering your power to other people. You are acquiescing, giving away your worth and value and putting it in the hands of somebody else who you sometimes don't even know. So ask yourself, why do you care more about what they think of you than you do about you? And I want to repeat this. Your opinion of you matters way more than anyone else's opinion of you. And that allows you to let go of the need for others to like you, to hold your worth inside of you rather than putting it in the

hands of somebody else. And here's something really important. When you start letting go of what other people think about you, you have to accept the fact that not everyone will like you. You're not for everybody. I'm not for everybody. And when you can accept that, it is also the most liberating thing ever. You have to be okay with not everybody's going to like you because here's the reality. Appealing to everyone is appealing to no one. That's what this whole message is about. When you change who you are so that you can appeal to everyone, it's not appealing at all. And you're creating the very rejection that you're so desperately trying to avoid with this whole big mess. Okay? When you put your real self out there, this is the last thing. When you put your real self out there and you see how people respond,

you will start to gather the evidence that, oh my God, I am liked. The real me is liked. People actually like and accept the real me. You'll never know this until you start doing it. You can't know it if you're not doing it. So the only way to really reinforce this new belief that you don't need other people's approval and you only need your own is to put yourself out there the way you are. Again, holding onto yourself for the times when it's not a match. You're not going to be a match with everybody. That's okay. But when it is, holy shit, it is powerful. True, authentic, genuine connection. You find your people.

This is how you find your people. We all need our people. We need one or two just really good friends. That's it. And if you have more, good for you. Lucky you, okay? You don't need a tribe. You just need one or two. And if you find your people, then you, then you're golden. And there's no way

you will ever do that if you're not just being yourself. So practice laying this down, lay it down, just drop this rope. Stop doing this shit. Promise yourself that you're just going to speak the truth. Be yourself all the time. Let go of trying to get your approval from other people. And the more that you show up just being you, the more you're going to realize people actually like you. That's what this is all about. When you let go of the outcome, you actually often get it. When you're so tied to the outcome of people liking you is when it falls apart because you betray yourself and all things go sideways. So let go of the need for other people's approval or acceptance or validation of you, and you'll actually end up getting it.

Funny how it works that way. So set yourself free, everybody. That is all you need to know to do so. That's all I have to say about this topic. I'd love to hear your comments. Please, you know, send them to me. Hit reply to any of my emails if you are on my email list and you're getting my love notes once a week, and I'll see you next time. Thanks so much for joining the conversation today. I hope you learned something new or heard something that inspired you to take action in a new way. As your greatest champion and someone who truly cares about your love, happiness, wealth, and success, I always want to encourage you to ask yourself this question. How have I contributed?

You are the only person who can ask this and the only one who can answer it. This doesn't just change your life. This changes everything.