The Hilary Silver Podcast - The Personality Type That Attracts Narcissists

Episode Date: April 24, 2024

Episode 1: The Personality Type That Attracts Narcissists Introduction Welcome to the very first episode of The Hilary Silver Podcast! You're probably already aware that narcissism is everywhere��from Instagram to top-chart podcasts and headline news. But while it's important to recognize narcissistic behaviors for our safety and well-being, there's a part of the conversation that's often overlooked: how our obsession is preventing us from focusing on our own growth and protection.   In today's episode, we'll delve into why this shift in focus is crucial and how you can start to make those changes. Discover why focusing too much on spotting narcissists is just plain counterproductive and what you can do instead. Episode Highlights: Narcissism in the Spotlight: Explore why narcissism has captured our collective attention and what this means for our personal development. Self-Protection vs. Narcissist Identification: Learn how the current focus on identifying narcissists could be making us miss crucial self-protective strategies. Empowerment Through Self-Awareness: Discover strategies to narcissist-proof your life not by focusing outward, but by strengthening your own self-awareness and boundaries. Insights and Anecdotes: Hilary shares personal anecdotes and insights from her years of clinical practice, illustrating how a deeper understanding of oneself can lead to true empowerment. In this episode you’ll learn… The Cultural Obsession with Narcissism: Why are we so focused on this particular personality trait? The Impact of Hyper-Vigilance: How does constantly being on the lookout for narcissists affect our mental health and relationships? Shifting the Focus: Practical tips on how to shift the focus from others to oneself to ensure personal growth and safety. Bonus Content: Don't forget to grab the free download "How to Narcissist Proof Your Life”. This guide will help you apply the insights from today’s discussion to your everyday life.   Resources How to Narcissist Proof Your Life     Disclaimer: The Hilary Silver Podcast The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed are the speaker’s own and do not represent the views, thoughts, and opinions of anyone else. The material and information presented here is for general information purposes only.  Reference to any specific product or entity does not constitute an endorsement or recommendation by the host. The views expressed by guests are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent. The content here should not be taken as medical or psychiatric advice. The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare professional for any medical or psychiatric questions. Contact information: [e-mail]

I better be on alert. I better be on the lookout just in case they come and I'm going to be ready to go and I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm looking. I don't want to be in fight mode. I want to focus on what I want, not what I don't want. When you live trying to outsmart the narcissist, you will get more of those people in your life. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver podcast. Hey, everybody. Thanks for tuning in today. You may have noticed narcissism is the topic everyone is talking about right now. It is all over social media. It is the topic of so many podcasts from Mel Robbins to Donald Miller and Lewis Howes. And it's even in articles in The Economist, New York Post, and The Guardian. Over two decades ago, when I first started my private practice, nobody knew anything

about narcissism. So we've come a very long way in that it's a very widely discussed topic. And while there are some very good things about these public service announcements and that it's such a widely discussed topic and we have all this knowledge and awareness now, there are some really important pieces of the conversation that I feel are missing, like critical pieces of the conversation that I want you to know just to make the whole thing feel less scary and intimidating and actually how to narcissist proof your life without focusing on the other person at all. As a bonus, be sure to grab my free download,

how to narcissist proof your life in the show notes. So let's tune into the conversation. Let's get started. So everybody right now is quick to label people a narcissist. Everybody's talking about narcissism because when we can identify a bad guy, it makes us feel vindicated. It makes us feel, oh, there's a reason that I'm feeling this way. Oh, that person said these things, did these hurt me mistreated me all whatever it was that they did with me in this relationship now it makes sense it's basically it when you're when you're tangled up intimately with somebody who's a narcissist you kind of lose your sense of reality

because they're very good at twisting and spinning things and manipulating things that you end up doubting yourself a lot. So once you understand what narcissism is, it gives you this like, oh my gosh, this sense of I'm not crazy. This is happening. And I thought something wasn't right. And now I know it wasn't right. So we feel vindicated. We feel justified. We feel validated. It's kind of like catching your breath after being breathless for a long time. And that actually feels really good. But also when we've been hurt by somebody, we also get angry and we get pissed off and we get resentful. And, oh, and so there's, there's, there's this tinge of animosity or acrimony that I feel the conversations are having right now where, you know, it's like, yeah, fuck that person. They hurt me or, you know,

making this person a villain in so many ways. And part of the problem is when there's a villain, there's always a victim and nobody wants to be a victim. And that's one of the things we're going to be talking about today. So yeah, everybody's really hot to call people a narcissist right now because it makes us feel righteous. I was right. I am right.

I'm righteous. And yeah, like, okay, yay me. But it doesn't actually feel that good, actually. Not really in the long run, because it doesn't solve anything. Maybe temporarily, but not for the long run. The problem about using the term the way everybody is these days, and because the language is so commonplace anymore, it's part of our language. It used to be that we would call people passive aggressive. And that was like the worst thing you can call somebody. And now it's

like narcissist. So the reason that it's dangerous is for many reasons. Number one is only a true mental health professional can actually diagnose somebody as NPD because you have to actually meet multiple criteria to be officially narcissistic personality disorder. It is a mental disorder. And the traits that go with narcissism aren't pretty. Like it's really not something like we can handle. Oh, I've got anxiety. And there's, there's, while that's uncomfortable to be an anxious person and to have anxiety, you know, we're not going to villainize somebody who's got anxiety.

When somebody has traits that resemble narcissism, it's kind of ugly. Like nobody wants to be called self-involved or grandiose or manipulative. And so it's kind of ugly. Nobody walks around calling themselves this. We're not proud of it. And we certainly don't want to be called this because it says icky things about who we are if we're called a narcissist. But the word is being

tossed around and we're actually weaponizing the word and calling people narcissist when they're really truly not. All of us have the ability to demonstrate or behave in ways that have narcissistic tendencies. Like we can all be manipulative when we're not consciously thinking about what we're doing in the moment. Everybody can gaslight from time to time. And what that tells me is that person or me, even if I'm doing it,

we're having trouble in the moment expressing ourselves directly, asking for what we need, expressing our emotions, saying that we're not happy with the way something is going. We're troubled in the moment. If there's a pattern of it, you know, over and over and over again, yes, it's a problem. But can we all do this from time to time? Yes. Can we all be self-absorbed at times? Yes. Especially when we're not in a good space with ourselves, if we're having a hard time in our lives with something.

So we can call people narcissists so flippantly and carelessly that it can ruin people's reputations. It can damage reputations simply because we didn't like the way that they treated us in a given moment. And that's a problem. And really, like you think about it, our culture is so pro-self-esteem, pro-being self-love, pro-being confident, and pro-having boundaries. Like that's all the rage right now. Boundaries, boundaries are everywhere. So if you come across somebody who actually has true, deep self-confidence and is very self-loving and takes good care of themselves and feels comfortable in their own skin and asserts boundaries, it may come across to somebody as narcissistic. And that's not good because you can't win. Either you, you know, you're a narcissist or you have healthy self-esteem.

Who's the one that gets to decide what that is? So we have to be very careful about that. And I think it's dangerous. It just is dangerous. And a lot of us, I've done it. I've called somebody a narcissist, even knowing better, like I shouldn't do that. And I've done it when I just don't like the way that they're treating me. And so the extreme of NPD would be antisocial disorder, like people who are in prison because they simply cannot follow the rules of society. They literally cannot. That is the extreme. We're talking sociopath, psychopath behavior. And they do exist. And a lot of my clients over the years have come across those people and been in relationships with them and it is scary and very harmful and very damaging and it can destroy it's very destructive okay but but within within normal limits like in a normal range on a spectrum if narcissistic personality disorder is here and this is the middle point

right here, kind of somewhere in the middle, and I'm using hand gestures for those of you who are watching this on YouTube, but think about the middle point of a timeline. That's the absolute neutral point. So if you move over to one side, you've got narcissistic personality disorder, and the gradient along the way is just having traits. Well, now if we're going to go to the other side, to the opposite extreme is codependent personality disorder. It's the opposite. And we've all heard, just like narcissism, codependency. Everybody's kind of learned about what codependency is. Codependency can look like a person who is lacking a sense of self. They don't have a strong sense of self. They often end up in relationships with people

who have a strong sense of self. Are we starting to make the clear picture here? Codependency often fits with a narcissistic kind of personality to all degrees, to the extreme degree, but also to just a mild degree. And what also falls in line with codependency are people who identify as people pleasers, people who are overly nurturing and giving and selfless. And the thing about our culture is that we really put selflessness and people pleasing on a pedestal. And we think somehow that being selfless is noble and being giving and nurturing and giving somebody the shirt off of your back or putting themselves last and always taking care of everyone else.

And then taking care of yourself last is somehow a good thing, but it's not, it's not good for that, that person. It's not good for us to operate that way. And what ends up happening is those are the kinds of people who often end up in relationships with the narcissist. And so what are. And yes, it can be horrible. I'm not denying that, but it's not helpful to only be talking about that because we also need to be talking about the people who are getting tangled up in relationships with narcissistic people. That's what's really missing. And that's what I want to be talking about today, because you can easily disarm a narcissist without thinking so much about them and who they are by just focusing on you and who you are. It's a more productive conversation to be having, I think. So if this is a relationship issue, a relational issue, it's a dynamic, then what we're going to talk about is the other side

of the coin. Identifying as somebody who is an empath, somebody who is people pleasing, somebody who's a nurturer and a giver. As I just said, that is coming from a place of a lack of a strong sense of self. And all of that giving, giving, giving, all of that nurturing, nurturing is actually coming from a place of a lack inside the self. It's a need to be needed, a need to fill a void inside. And so here's the kind of the slap of truth here, which is that it's two sides of the same coin, narcissism and empath, narcissistic kind of person and people pleasingpleasing kind of person. It's two sides of the same coin. Because if you're so busy giving and giving and giving and trying to fill a need inside of yourself, then you're really self-focused. Your giving

isn't about giving to the other person at all. It's about giving for your own need, for your own self. And that's not healthy. So the way that we actually can remedy some of this relationship dynamics with narcissism is by stopping the discussion about the narcissist and actually talking about the people who are attracting them into their lives and how we can help fill that person up from the inside to be more self-centered, whole, healthy, and healed as an individual, rather than showing up kind of a sitting duck or being a target for somebody who's a narcissist. And so there's two main conversations that I'm hearing right now. The first is how to heal from narcissistic abuse.

And we'll come back to that in a second. And then the other is how to be on the lookout for a narcissist and how to watch out for them and how to disarm them and outsmart them. And so those are the two things that I wanna be talking about now. So let's talk about the first one. Yes, after you've been in a relationship

with somebody who is extremely narcissistic, maybe they're a true full-blown narcissist and psychopath. Maybe they're not. Maybe they're just very narcissistic and they've got traits. And in that relationship, you lost yourself, you lost your way, you lost your sense of self, you got tangled up in this person, you lost your sense of reality, as I said at the very beginning. Yes, there's healing to do. Healing to do. And there are a

lot of resources out there for that kind of healing work to be done. But here's what I want to say that may feel provocative. So kind of put your seatbelt on for this. There is probably some healing that needed to be done prior to getting into a relationship with a narcissist. And if the healing that you're going to be doing or the conversation that you're having is only about healing from the after effects of being in a relationship with that person, then you're going to get into another relationship with another narcissist again. Because there was something about you, me, us, we, those of us who get into a relationship with

somebody like that, that needed to be healed and addressed prior. The issue predated that person and that relationship. Okay, I know that can be hard to hear because as I started off the podcast saying we want to feel vindicated, That person is a villain. They're horrible. I've been mistreated. I'm a victim. But I don't know about you all,

but I do not wanna be a victim. The only way to not be a victim is to take responsibility for who we are, how we are, what we've done, how we've contributed, how we have co-created the dynamic and own it. And therefore, when we do that, we know it will never fucking happen again. If it's always somebody else's fault, if it's always the narcissist that's the problem, you are screwed.

It will 100%, I guarantee, happen again. If you're only healing from what that person did to you, you must, must, must be willing to look at who you were when you got into this relationship with this person. I say it with all the love, all the compassion, all the kindness in the world, because who you were at that time was likely somebody who was also struggling in your own way, struggling with not knowing really solidly who you were, with not understanding that it's okay to speak up for yourself, without knowing that it's not okay to be treated a certain way, without realizing that you are powerful and resourceful internally and that if somebody is speaking to you in a way that you don't like it,

you don't have to listen and you don't have to stay. So this isn't about shaming and blaming. It's about seeing how what was going on with you prior to this relationship that actually needs healing and needs attention and compassion and love so that you can do the work on you, owning how you were showing up in that relationship that allowed this to happen, where you attracted this person. Were you somebody who was codependent? Were you just somewhat slightly people-pleasing and you became a magnet for somebody who took advantage and you got exploited.

Okay. They, the narcissist has to take responsibility for them, though they probably won't, but you also have to see how you contributed, how you were primed, how you were ripe for the plucking to be targeted by somebody in this way. That has to happen. So that to me is one of the critical pieces that's missing in all of the conversations around healing from narcissistic abuse and from narcissistic people and narcissistic relationships. Please, I implore you to be willing to look in the mirror to see just how you might have been showing up

in a way that invited this person into your life and welcomed them in. Truly, when somebody is giving and giving and giving, and you're such a giver, you can make anyone look like a taker. Really, it's not healthy to do that. Give and be generous and be kind and loving, but don't be so selfless that you are attracting somebody who will take and take and take until there's nothing left of you. That is up to you. You are the only one who can protect yourself from this happening ever again. And rather than focus on avoiding a narcissist and looking out for the narcissist, you can just simply work on yourself and focus on you and that falls away. So that leads me to the second conversation that I'm hearing

that I want to talk about, which is all about looking and looking and looking and you've got your binoculars on and you've got your microscope out and you're looking for the narcissist so that you can avoid them at all costs. And oh my God, that is like living with your boxing gloves on ready for the fight. And I don't know about you guys, but I do not wanna live my life in fight mode.

I do not wanna live like that. I want to live my life focused fight mode. I do not want to live like that. I want to live my life focused on what I do want rather than what I don't want. Because the way the universe works is that you get what you expect. You get what you expect. So if you go out looking for the narcissist so that you can avoid them, you will get more of them in your life. You will. I promise you that is how it works. So the antidote to this, instead of being in fight mode and being like always on defense and being hyper vigilant and hyper focused on how to avoid the narcissist and why they exist and how they became to be the way they are and how they operate and

how they do all the things they do, rather than let that clutter up your pretty little heads and suck the life out of you and hijack your energy, just sit back and relax. Sit back and relax and learn that you can trust yourself. Learn to be centered in yourself with a strong sense of who you are, what's important to you, what your values are, how you want to be treated in this life, and just simply trust that if ever anyone comes across your path who speaks to you disrespectfully, you can say something. If ever anybody treats you in a way that is disrespectful or worse, abusive, you can set a limit or make an exit, get out of there, hightail it out of there, even if it's with a family member. To the extreme, you can set a limit and make an exit. I would rather focus on that. I don't know about you all, but I would rather focus

on just being my best self and living my best life and trusting that if something comes my way that isn't working for me, I will do what I need to do to take care of myself and get out of a situation that isn't good for me. And that, my friends, is the way to effortlessly narcissist-proof your life. So in conclusion, everybody, I really just want to leave you with this really powerful thought, which is an awareness. The next time that you are in a conversation with somebody and they are complaining about their narcissistic ex or their narcissistic boss or their narcissistic friend that they've actually had for 20 years who turns out to be a narcissist

now that we know what this word means, I want you to notice yourself if you're judging that person right away. What are you thinking and what kind of judgments or conclusions are you jumping to about this narcissistic person? How are they living? How are they being? How are they doing? What are they doing? I want you to catch yourself thinking about that person in this way. And instead, I want you to think about the person who's talking to you

and making this claim. What do you know about them? I want you to notice that maybe there's a dynamic going on here. There is some kind of dynamic. And how has this person contributed to that dynamic? What do you know about them? This is one person's perspective. And we all have one. We all have a perspective. We all have an opinion. We all have a point of view. So how has that person contributed to this dynamic? This is a fair thing to be asking of you and a fair and objective thing for you to be thinking when somebody is having this conversation with you. It will help us all stop weaponizing the language, the term, the label against people who may not deserve that. And to stop overusing the language very flippantly and carelessly.

So thanks all for listening. It's been a fun conversation for me. I hope you enjoyed. Thanks so much for joining the conversation today. I hope you learned something new or heard something that inspired you to take action in a new way. As your greatest champion and someone who truly cares about your love, happiness, wealth, and success, I always want to encourage you to ask yourself this question. How have I contributed? You are the only person who can ask this and the only one who can answer it. This doesn't just change your life. This changes everything. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts.