The Hilary Silver Podcast - The Sneaky Ways We Self Sabotage

Episode Date: September 20, 2024

Episode 22: The Sneaky Ways We Self Sabotage   Ambivalence might seem harmless, but it’s that sneaky little voice that keeps you stuck, second-guessing, and ultimately self-sabotaging your goals. In this episode, Hilary pulls no punches, diving into how those “meh” feelings are secretly holding you back from what you really want. She shares personal stories, client confessions, and straight-up truths about why we keep driving with one foot on the gas and the other on the brake.   Episode Highlights: Ever feel like you want something, but not quite enough to actually go after it? Hilary breaks down the sneaky ways this inner conflict pops up—from dragging your feet on that dream job to half-heartedly pursuing a relationship—and how it leads to low-key self-sabotage. Hilary keeps it real with a story from her high school days. She auditioned for the dance team, knowing deep down she didn’t actually care about making it. Sound familiar? This story drives home how we sometimes aim for things we don’t even want—just to say we tried. Hilary calls out the real culprits: society’s pressures, fear of both failing and succeeding, and dodging responsibility. When we only give a half-effort, we get to blame everything but ourselves for not hitting our goals.    Episode Breakdown: [00:00] Self-Sabotage: How it Sneaks Up [03:10] Real Talk: Client Example [03:41] #1 External Expectations [04:24] #2 Fear of Everything [06:31] #3 Dodging Responsibility [07:24] The Costs of Playing Small [08:17] Living Intentionally [08:49] Dealing with Fears Head-On   Listener Takeaways: Time to ask yourself: are you living for you, or for what others expect? Get real, and get clear on what you actually want. Whether you’re terrified of crashing and burning or secretly scared of being too successful, face those fears head-on. You can’t move forward if you’re stuck in the shadows. Ambivalence keeps you in a constant stall-out. Hilary’s advice? Commit fully and own your choices, so you can finally move forward.   This episode is your wake-up call to ditch the inner tug-of-war and start showing up with intention and clarity. Ready to stop holding yourself back? Tune in and get the tools you need to start living with purpose.   Want more incredible resources from Hilary? Click here to access all of her free paradigm-flipping tools: https://hilarysilver.com/guides/

Have you ever gone for a job interview when you weren't sure that you really wanted the job? And then when you didn't get it, you felt kind of relieved, but also maybe a little bit unworthy at the same time? Maybe you accepted a second date with someone you weren't really that interested in, and then they ended up telling you, sorry, it's not a love match, and you felt rejected. Or maybe you tried out for a team, like a sports team or something like that, but you weren't really sure you wanted to do it or make that commitment, and in the end, you didn't make it onto the team. It sucks, doesn't it? Today, we are talking about one way that you might be subconsciously sabotaging yourself, why we do this and how, so that you can eliminate the negative impact on your confidence

and your sense of self. And instead, just spend your time, energy, and effort getting exactly what you want. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. The first time I remember something like this happening to me, I was in high school. Sorry, but I'm going to tell a high school story. When I was a freshman and sophomore, I was on the junior

varsity dance squad in high school and we performed at halftime during the football and basketball games. And practices were after school. And so when I became a junior and the time came for me to try out for the varsity squad that practiced in the mornings before school with the band, I knew I didn't want to do that, but I tried out anyway. And funny enough, I helped another girl prepare for the tryout and learn the dance routine because it was her first time attempting to join the squad. Well, I'm sure that you can guess what happened. She made the team and I did not. And everyone close to me felt sorry for me or they felt bad for me, but secretly I was more

than fine and I don't think that anyone believed me that I really truly didn't care. During my tryout, I went through the motions and I totally half-assed it and I kind of tanked it on purpose because I didn't want to be on the squad. I did it because I felt like I had to, like I was supposed to. It was expected of me. And I was aware of this the entire time, but I went through the motions anyway. So what we are talking about today is ambivalence, one of the greatest sources of self-sabotage. It may seem obvious, but we don't often think about it.

So ambivalence, of course, is when you think that you want something or you tell yourself that you want something and you kind of don't want it at the same time. My clients in the Ready for Love program do this to themselves all the time. They really want a loving, supportive relationship, but they don't at the same time because they say things to themselves like, I really want a companion and a partner, but I kind of don't. What if I mess it up? What if I get hurt? What if I don't know what I'm doing? What if I lose my independence? What if he's not who he says he's going to be? So they date and date and date, and they spend so much time and effort and energy trying to find this relationship, and it never works. It is a lot of

wasted time and energy and effort. But more importantly, all the failed attempts create this kind of evidence that love can't happen for her, when in reality, it is she who is blocking it. So why does this happen? There are three main reasons that I'm going to talk about today. The first is because we think that we want this thing, or we tell ourselves that we do, because we believe that we want this thing or we tell ourselves that we do because we believe that we are supposed to, it's expected of us or other people want it for us, but we don't actually want it for ourselves like I did with the dance squad. We're not being honest with ourselves or true to ourselves and instead we're just

going along, never really examining ourselves and being intentional about the path we are taking. I've had clients over the years get married because it's the next expected thing to do. So when we're young or immature, or we're just not fully self-centered yet, we can live this way, making choices that take us down a path to a destination where we don't really want to be. So the second reason this can happen is fear, being afraid of actually getting the thing that we want. And the fear comes up in two ways. So the first way that might seem more obvious is the fear of failure. That's what most people might think of or expect.

What if I get this thing that I want and I can't handle it, or I mess it up, or it doesn't work out and I'm humiliated or hurt, or discovered that I don't really have what it takes, that I'm an imposter. What if I finally get this thing I've always wanted and it goes away? Who would I be? How would I be in this world? We imagine all the worst possible scenarios. If everything that you've always wanted is all of a sudden taken away from you, then what's next? It's kind of scary. We don't want to fail. But here's the fear that actually is a little bit sneaky. It's the fear of success. It's a big factor that often goes unnoticed, kind of flies under the radar. Successfully getting that

thing that we want means that we would have to face all the scary what-ifs. Who you have to be in this relationship or job or the life that you are building. All that you have to face all the scary what-ifs, who you have to be in this relationship or job, or the life that you are building, all that you have to do to live in the world of your big dream. So having the kind of deep, loving relationship and intimacy with another human that we all think that we want means that we have to do things that are scary. Being vulnerable is scary. Intimacy is intense. What is required of us to maintain and sustain that kind of a relationship may be something that we don't know how to do or we are simply not willing to do. Being vulnerable by definition means a willingness to get hurt. Are we actually really willing to put ourselves in a situation where that can happen? Because if you

successfully find the right person for you and you successfully get into a relationship, now you have to face all that stuff. It's scary. I call it the fire pit of truth. Intimacy is intense. And so if we don't get it, then we don't have to face it, right? That is the fear of success. The third way is that we get to escape responsibility. When we do something half-assed, kind of, sort of hoping it doesn't work out, we're not making the decision for ourselves to opt out. If it doesn't happen, it's not us making that decision. So, oh, well, I guess it's not going to happen. I guess I didn't get the job. Oh, well, I guess love really isn't for me. I didn't have to decide not to be on the dance squad

and declare it to my parents or own it for myself that I don't want to be on the team. I didn't have to take responsibility for the decision. It's not my fault. I tried out and I didn't make it rather than I just opted out. We by default don't have to accept responsibility for a failure, but neither then do we get to claim our victory when we live by default. Going after something when you are ambivalent is the ultimate sabotage. It's like driving with one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake and wondering why you're not getting anywhere. And then in the meantime, you're likely exhausting yourself in the process or you're creating all this evidence that you really don't have what it takes or this

thing that you're saying that you want can't happen for you. But here's the happy ending to this episode. None of that is true. There is absolutely no true evidence that this thing that you want can't happen for you or you don't deserve it or you're not good enough for it. None of that is true. The truth is you are the only reason it's not happening. Yes, you are your own biggest obstacle with this kind of self-sabotage. So when you are fully self-centered, you get radically honest with yourself about what you really want and why you want it and what you don't want. You get clear what it will take for you to have this thing that you want, and you get to decide that you were either all in, so you therefore shall have it, or you opt out by choice. You are intentional, and this is called being

self-determining. It doesn't matter what other people want for you and it doesn't matter what is expected of you. It only matters what you think and what you want for yourself and whether or not you're willing to face your fears along the way. One of the most powerful mindsets or orientations way of living is to feel the fear and do it anyway, because you know you will be okay no matter what. For more on that, I have an episode about confidence and I'll drop the link in the show notes. It is so much better to be radically honest with yourself about what you really want and what you don't want than to put yourself in a position or a situation

where you are doing something and undermining yourself in a position or a situation where you were doing something and undermining yourself at the same time. Politely decline a second date because it doesn't feel like a fit for you rather than going and hoping that person makes the decision for you. Decide that a certain job or promotion doesn't really feel like the next best thing for you and put your energy into something else rather than going for the job and hoping you don't get it so they make the decision for you. See how that's not living intentionally? Subconscious sabotage ultimately is about not taking responsibility for yourself, letting external circumstances determine your destiny. That is backseat living, passive living, passenger living. When you stop living with this kind of self-sabotage, you grab the wheel

and you become the pilot rather than the passenger in your life. You get to earn all the glory when you win, claim all that glory when you win. And yes, that also means that you have to face the disappointment in a defeat, but avoiding that experience means that you miss the opportunity to grow. So I hope this conversation was enlightening. I hope that you can see in some ways how you might be sabotaging yourself because we all do it. And if you enjoyed this episode, please share it out, give it a thumbs up and make sure that you subscribe and I will see you next time.