The Hilary Silver Podcast - The Toxic Truth About Being Selfless

Episode Date: January 8, 2025

We’ve been told that putting others first is the hallmark of a good person, but what if that’s a big, fat lie? In this episode, Hilary Silver tackles the myth of selflessness head-on, revealing how this deeply ingrained belief isn’t just harmful—it’s downright toxic. Drawing on her decades of experience as a psychotherapist and lifestyle mentor, Hilary introduces the third core concept of her self-centered model: "In your life, you come first and you go first."   Hilary explains how the pressure to be selfless erodes self-worth, breeds resentment, and creates hollow, transactional relationships. She challenges the narrative that sacrificing yourself for others is noble, exposing how it leads to emotional burnout and a lifetime of feeling undervalued. Instead, Hilary offers a liberating alternative: prioritize yourself unapologetically. Because when you treat yourself with the respect and care you deserve, you teach others to do the same.   Episode Highlights: Why “selflessness” is a toxic myth keeping you stuck and resentful. How putting yourself first is the most selfless thing you can do. The real reason self-sacrifice leaves you exhausted and undervalued. Healthy giving vs. soul-sucking selflessness—know the difference. Why modeling self-respect is the ultimate relationship game-changer. The mindset shift that puts you back in control of your life.   Episode Breakdown: [00:00]  Introduction [00:53]  Meet Hillary Silver [01:57]  The Myth of Selflessness [02:28]  The Big Lie [04:15]  Consequences of Selflessness [05:57]  The Void and Compulsion to Give [06:33]  Resentment and Transactional Relationships [07:05]  Self-Serving Giving [08:40]  Healthy Giving vs. Selflessness [09:12] Core Concept #3: You Come First [12:54] Conclusion   Stop putting yourself last—it’s time to take the lead. 💅 Grab Hilary’s free mini video training, "This Changes Everything" and start making yourself the priority you’ve always deserved to be: https://hilarysilver.com/guides/

We've all been sold a bunch of BS. I would be nicer about it, but it actually makes me mad because I see firsthand the damage that it causes and the serious consequences that it has in our lives, our mental and emotional health, our physical health and our wellbeing, our relationships, and our success in life too. So I'm on a crusade to bring awareness and change, which means I'm going to speak some strong words today and set the record straight for all of us. It may make you uncomfortable at first because it flies in the face of a false virtue we've all been sold, but then I think you're going to love what I'm saying and it will make you feel a sense of hope and freedom you may not have known was missing in your life. Ready to be liberated? Let's get started.

Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. We are in the middle of a five-part series where I'm sharing the five core concepts of my self-centered model. And what we've covered so far is that one, you are always the problem and the solution in your life. And two, the world does revolve around you. If you missed either of those episodes, please do go back and

watch or listen because all of these core concepts work together to make sense. So you don't want to miss any of those. If you missed either of those episodes, please do go back and listen or watch those after this one. Today, we are covering the third core concept. So let me ask you this. Have you ever been told that putting others first makes you a good person? That selflessness is noble and the way to be valued is by sacrificing yourself for others. What if I told you that this idea and being this way has been the source of so much of your anxiety, resentment, and self-doubt. Today, I'm going to show you why this could not be further from the truth and that the truth is the exact opposite. Core concept number three of the self-centered model

is in your life, you come first and you go first. So the first thing I want to share is the big lie we've been told. And I'm just going to come right out and call out the BS that we've been fed from our parents, our grandparents, or extended family, from religion, culture, society, that we've been trained and conditioned to believe that it is a good thing to be selfless. We celebrate collectively and put on a pedestal a selfless person, the one who gives the shirt off of their back, the one who always puts themselves last, the one who always thinks about everyone else and never asks for a thing or expects anything in return. Sound familiar? There are a lot of ways that we talk about this kind of behavior, and we've all been indoctrinated to think it's something rare and beautiful and something to aspire to. This is how to be a good person and that there is something saintly about it. One of my clients even shared a song that she learned when she was a little girl in church called Joy, J-O-Y. Jesus first, then others, then you.

So this is not just subtle, implicit messaging. It's actually explicitly taught and spoken to us. So listen to me right now. It is not noble to be selfless. Self-less. No, my friends, self is not less. Myself is not less. Yourself is not less. No one is less and no one should get lost. I can tell you from 25 years of research, thousands of men and women sharing with me in private conversations, the severe consequences this behavior has. It is not good for you, your relationships, or any of the unsuspecting people that you are in relationships with. So just to keep this simple, I'm going to rattle off a list of as many of the reasons that it is bad that I could think of. Number one, it embeds low self-worth. The underlying message is that you don't matter as

much as everyone else. That your needs, wants, feelings, opinions, your very existence is not as important as everyone else. That you are not worthy or deserving of having your needs met, but everyone else is. And in part, it's your job to serve others and make sure they get what they need. That you get your worth and value from providing what others need, especially if it comes at a sacrifice or at a cost to you. Second, this lack of self-worth creates a deep hole in your soul. It's an emptiness or a void. It becomes a hunger like you're starving, which then compels you to try and fill that hole with giving and helping and sacrificing. And this could look like doing things for others that you don't really want to do, that you can't afford to do, whether that's a time, money, or energy thing, and turns you into

a caretaker, a helper, a problem solver, a fixer, or a servant. And it has you losing yourself in relationships with others because you're biting your tongue or giving in or acquiescing. When you do this, you betray yourself, abandon yourself, and turn your back on yourself. You ignore your own needs, dismiss your own feelings, and ultimately you learn that you cannot be trusted to take care of yourself. And so this creates a fractured relationship with yourself. You've lost the ability to trust yourself. And without trust in a relationship, you really have nothing. Third, all the self-sacrifice creates resentment, not feeling appreciated, feeling taken advantage of.

It has you not really ever feeling seen or loved for who you really are, but only for what you can do for people because you've turned yourself into a commodity. Your relationships literally become transactional. It's empty and lonely at the soul level because it's all based on what you can do for other people rather than just have you showing up who you are as you are and being loved and valued and appreciated for that. This behavior is coming from a deep subconscious pattern of need, needing to prove your worth and value, seeking acceptance, love, attention, acknowledgement, or significance from all the giving that you do. But here's the

thing. The giving is not coming from a place of fullness and wholeness and true altruism. It's coming from a deep need to be needed. So the greatest irony here is that your giving is actually self-serving. The more that you give and sacrifice to others, the more you think you will finally feel important, valued, or good enough. But when trying to fill your own worth from external sources and putting your worth in the hands of others, what they do, how they respond to you, how they show appreciation of what you've done, it's never enough. It's never enough to fill that hole in your soul. It's never enough appreciation or attention. And if it does feel good in the moment, it's a fleeting high, just temporary until you can get your next fix. It's an addiction like

all the others. And lastly, being selfless teaches the world that you don't matter as much as everyone else. You are demonstrating your low self-worth for the world to see. It's a sign on your forehead that says, I don't love myself enough. I don't have self-worth for the world to see. It's a sign on your forehead that says, I don't love myself enough. I don't have self-respect. I don't respect myself or value myself. I'm used here to put everyone before me. Don't worry about me, everyone. I'll be all right. This is ultimately what you attract into your life, people who will treat you as you treat yourself. In fact, it's having the opposite impact that you are subconsciously wanting it to have. Essentially, you create the very rejection that you are so

desperately trying to avoid with all the people that you are in relationships because it's inauthentic. It's misleading. It's misrepresenting yourself. It's all lies basically. And it is just a disaster for your relationships. Putting others first, especially at your own peril, is not going to win you any awards despite what you've been told. You will not get a gold star or a trophy. You just end up feeling used up, chewed up, and spit out, depleted and exhausted. Hear me now when I say this, there is a big difference between being a giving and generous person and being selfless. One is healthy giving with discernment, self-consideration, and boundaries. And one is coming from a place of need and lack because it's an effort to fill the empty cup rather than giving from a full cup. So with core concept number three, you come first and you

go first, we flip this entire paradigm on its ear. And I know it can be really uncomfortable and you may feel resistance to this if this selfless BS has really become a part of your worldview. And for some of you, it's almost in your DNA at this point. So let's talk about you come first, first. This is more than just self-care, put on your own oxygen mask first platitudes. It is deeper than that, way more meaningful than that. You coming first in your life allows you to have a rock solid, unshakable relationship with yourself. This means you never waver. You always get your own back. You trust yourself to do what you need to do to take care of yourself first. This self-prioritization provides you essential emotional and even physical safety and security, which of course we all need for

our wellbeing. So here's what this can look like in real life. You trust yourself to make decisions that are in your own best interest. You know that you'll never put yourself in a situation or stay in a situation that is not good for you, whether it's uncomfortable or unsafe, because you feel obligated to others. You do the unpopular thing or the hard thing because it's what's best for you. And you trust you will do this every time and always follow through. You know that you won't compromise yourself, your values, your needs, what matters to you or your own well-being for other people. That means there's no self-betrayal or self-abandonment because you know you prioritize yourself. You won't allow

yourself to be treated poorly or expose yourself to drama or toxicity just to keep the peace or make other people happy. You make sure your needs, wants, and feelings are considered first because you understand that your needs, wants, and feelings are most important in your life. You are responsible for creating your own safety in this world, and this is how you do it. This is true personal power, my friends. It doesn't waver or come and go with different circumstances or the people in your life. It is entirely within you. It is not selfish to consider yourself first, to make yourself a priority. Even when my kids were babies, I knew if I wasn't well-rested, well-fed, well-cared for, I was not my best for them.

I was not as patient as I wanted to be or as attentive to them when they were talking to me. So you come first. Now let's talk about going first. When you go first, it means that you take the lead. If there is something that you want to change or achieve, it starts with you. Nothing will change unless you decide to change it. No one is going to convince you to make yourself a priority. No one is going to suddenly start treating you the way you deserve if you're not already doing

it for yourself. You are the leader in your own life. Like back in kindergarten, remember line leaders? You were at the front of the line with your hand in the air and everyone else falls in line behind you. How you show up in this life is the model by which other people follow. If you want to be considered by other people to be thought of, to have people value you, respect you, or to make you a priority, you must show up demonstrating that this is how you live your life. It is how you treat yourself and therefore how you expect to be treated by others. The people in your life take their cues

from you. When you start showing up for yourself in a new way, they will follow your lead. Your relationship with you is the model. You go first, then everything else follows. So yes, in your life, you come first and you go first. This isn't about being selfish or disregarding others, and it's not about being more important than others. In general terms. All of our lives are equally valuable. It's about recognizing that you are the most important person in your life, and that is as it should be. No one is coming to rescue you or give you permission to prioritize yourself. That is your job. And when you do, you will find that everything in your life begins to shift in the most amazing ways. In the next episode, we will dive into the next core concept of the self-centered model.

And if you're ready to stop living on autopilot and start living a life that is true to you, make sure to subscribe and check out my free mini video training called This Changes Everything. The link is in the show notes and pinned in the comments at the top. Until next time, take care of yourself, friends. You deserve it.