The Hilary Silver Podcast - What Do You Even Want?

Episode Date: February 14, 2025

So, you’ve hit a new phase in life—kids don’t need you as much, work feels like a never-ending rerun, and suddenly, you’re left with space. But instead of feeling free, you’re stuck wondering, "What the hell do I actually want?" Don’t worry, Hilary is here to drag you out of the “what now?” spiral and help you find your spark again.   In this episode, Hilary tackles that “I don’t even know what I want” dilemma with practical tools and a hefty dose of real talk. If you’ve been so busy playing all the roles—mom, career badass, caretaker—that you’ve forgotten who you are outside of them, this one’s for you.   Episode Highlights: Jealousy isn’t a vibe killer; it’s a clue. Start paying attention to what makes you envious—it’s pointing you toward your desires. You don’t have to overhaul your life in one go. Experiment, try stuff, and ditch what doesn’t fit (looking at you, Airstream). Forget practicality for a second—what would you do if you had no limits?   Episode Breakdown: [00:00] Finding What You Truly Want [03:11] Exercise 1: Become a Master Observer of Yourself [05:17] Exercise 2: Use Jealousy and Envy as Clues [06:00] Exercise 3: The Magic Wand Question [07:14] Exercise 4: Experiment Without Commitment [08:27] Exercise 5: The Life Zone Exercise [09:31] Exercise 6: Focus on Your Feelings [10:55] Honoring Your Feelings in Daily Life [12:10] Self-Satisfied Program and Conclusion   Ready to put yourself back at the top of your priority list? Check out Hilary’s Self-Satisfied Program: https://hilarysilver.com/shop/ for guided exercises (like the life zone!) and actionable steps to reclaim your time and energy.   👉 Subscribe, rate, and share this episode with someone who’s also stuck asking, "What do I want?"

Do you feel like you've hit a point in life where you suddenly have space and time that you didn't have before? Maybe your kids are more independent now and they just don't need you as much. Or maybe you've hit a career plateau or you're even facing an empty nest. But you don't really even know what you want to do with that time. You know you want something more and you need to find something. But the question is what? Today, I'm talking directly to those of you who don't even know what you want. It's something I hear all the time.

Hillary, I don't even know what I want. How can I manifest something if I don't even know what I want? So if that's you, you are in the right place. By the end of this episode, you will have some practical steps and tools and ideas and exercises to figure it out. And trust me, this is a journey worth taking.

Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me. If you'd take a minute to just click that five star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. I wanna quickly start by expressing my deep gratitude

for all of you who've been listening to this podcast and watching on YouTube. Last week, Castbox and Apple Podcast ranked this show number five in the self-improvement and education categories. It feels amazing, so thank you for the comments, the ratings, the reviews, and sharing with your friends. It means so much to me, and I just hope that you continue to find value in what I'm sharing.

So let me tell you why I'm tackling this topic today. I've been getting so many messages from all of you saying, what if I don't know what I want? I'm still stuck in the what I want part. Some of you have started using my daily journal or are working on goals, but you're not excited about the goal. So maybe they're not even really your goals. Others of you haven't even started any to work on any goals, all because you just don't even know what to aim for and where to start. Sound familiar?

I get it. I am actually in the same boat doing this right along with you. It is so common, especially for high-performing women who've been laser-focused on their careers and their families for years. When work becomes such a huge part of your identity and your focus, and your kids are a priority, you can really lose touch with what you want outside of those roles. And then when you suddenly find yourself with more time or space, it can feel a little disorienting.

You feel the whole, the space. And what we don't want is to fill that time with more work, just because it's easy for you and you're good at it and you're rewarded by doing so, either financially or because it's fulfilling and it gives you purpose, okay? And you enjoy it, yes, but there are other things in life that bring joy and fulfillment. So today I'm sharing how to reconnect with yourself and start figuring out what you truly want. And keep in mind, these are not one and done exercises. All of these things that I'm talking about today will be things that you start doing over and over again,

a lot, and over time, it will just become a natural part of how you think about yourself and talk to yourself and in your life. So number one, become a master observer of yourself. To discover what you truly want, just start paying attention to yourself, really listening to what you are saying, just start paying attention to yourself, really listening to what you are saying to yourself throughout the day.

Notice what catches your attention. Are there moments during your busy day when you think something like, that looks fun, or I wish I had time for that, or I'd love to try that? I bet there are a lot more of those moments than you realize because you're just too distracted in the moment to notice. So make an effort to take notice and then write them down because you will forget it later. These are small sparks that could be clues to what lights you up or areas that you'd love to actually explore. Also, reflect on what you used to love.

Were there activities or hobbies that you enjoyed in the past, but you gave up because life got too busy, they just got squeezed out? Would you want to revisit them? If not, ask yourself why. Maybe they no longer fit your life as is, but could work in a new version. So for example, if tennis feels too intense now,

maybe playing doubles or pickleball like everyone else is doing could actually bring you joy. Back before I had kids I was rock climbing and playing a lot of Ultimate Frisbee. That's in fact how my husband and I met. But once we had kids, actually rock climbing felt too scary for me and too risky and it was just something I wasn't willing to do anymore. And so really some things are not gonna be a fit for you anymore, but it's important to understand why and to just understand that about yourself. Evolving your interests rather than starting from scratch is a powerful way to add more value back into your life. Number two, use

jealousy and envy as clues. Yes, you heard me right. We judge jealousy and envy as bad feelings, so we often won't admit that when we feel it. We try to shut it down and pretend we don't feel it. But if you allow yourself to feel it and turn towards the jealousy with curiosity, it can become a window for you, providing awareness and insight, like clues. So when you see someone else's life

or you see somebody doing something and you feel a pang of envy, ask yourself this, what do I admire about their life? What's stirring something in me? Maybe you envy somebody's ability to travel or their creative hobby or their close relationships. That envy can point you towards something you didn't even know is a desire for you. Number three, ask the magic wand question.

I love this one. If I handed you a magic wand right now and told you that you could just wave that wand and have, be, or do anything, what would you choose? With no limits. This exercise is all about bypassing the limits you've placed on yourself and tuning into your deepest desires. By putting the how on the shelf. The yeah, but I'm not good at it.

Or yeah, but I don't have time for that. Or yeah, but that's not practical. If you put that aside and not limit yourself or worry about how to actually make it happen, what would you come up with? This is not the time to be practical right now. This is an exploratory exercise. Just allow yourself to think big and dream big and just enjoy getting to know this part of you.

If you could do, be, or have anything without all of the, how do I get their logistics, what would it be? Would you want to travel the world? Would you want to write a book? Would you start a business or grow the one that you already have? Take up painting, dancing or gardening. Once you come up with something, you can later figure out how to get there because you are resourceful.

Making it happen is often the easy part. Everything is figure outable, right? I'm sure you've heard that phrase. Number four, experiment without commitment. Once you have some ideas, try them out without feeling like you have to commit. People get scared of commitment, so they don't even try anything.

You don't have to go all in right away. So if you've always wanted a second home or a vacation home, rent one for a month before you buy. If you're thinking about taking up a new hobby, sign up for a short workshop or a single class before getting a membership. That's what I did. I'm so glad that I did it that way. I tried aerial dance, but then I got super dizzy and it turns out you can get motion sickness not just in a car or in a boat. So that was a one and done for me. We made this huge mistake and bought an Airstream. We used it once and then we sold it. Wah wah! It was harder than we thought

it would be. It was a total pain in the ass. So think about this as a fun experiment, having a new experience and figuring out what truly lights you up. But try before you buy to avoid triggering that fear of commitment that could keep you from trying in the first place. Number five, do the life zone exercise. This is one of my favorite tools to help you assess where you are and where you want to go. So imagine your life as a wheel divided into sections like a pie chart, career, health, relationships, personal growth, hobbies, finances, and so on. It's an infinite pie chart. Rate your satisfaction in each area on a scale of one to ten? Which areas feel lacking and which ones feel abundant? The answers can guide you towards where you want

to focus your energy and intention. Which areas are not fulfilling, but that you want to be better? This isn't only about hobbies and activities that you might want right now. Maybe you want better friendships, improve your finances, make a career change, or get involved in philanthropy or volunteering more. Where your focus goes grows. This exercise will help you get clear what area of your life is lacking so you can bring it into focus and

make it a priority. Number six, focus on your feelings. This is one of my favorite things to share with my clients. Our emotions are our greatest source of wisdom for us. They inform us, guide us, reveal to us, and show us who we really are. Our feelings help us see what we value and what's important to us. So two things, pay attention to what upsets you, pisses you off, lights you up, excites you as you are living your life.

And a good way to do this is by watching the news or listening to the news. What makes you mad and what moves you. When you're out to dinner with your partner or your friends, what feels luxurious or special. This can give you clues. So for example, I love all things beauty and design, fashion design, interior design. So I love being in beautifully designed places. It feels luxurious and makes me feel alive. So instead of just consuming through lots of shopping and buying things and developing a bad habit, I add in more time to just be in those places. High-end restaurants have amazing design and I love just being there.

And staying in beautiful hotels when I travel, exploring stunning places, all of that enriches my life and just helps me step away from my daily life and it allows me to spend time in places that just feel good to me. This doesn't necessarily mean I'm adding in a hobby or developing a talent or a skill, but I'm honoring a part of me. And it's something that I consider when I'm making plans with my husband or my friends

or doing something for my business. So instead of thinking about what you want to do, think about how you want to feel. If you want to have more adventure in your life, you will want to add in outdoor activities that push the limit or foreign travel, something that brings you a sense of adventure. If you want to feel creative or inspired,

you're going to want to pursue something artistic. Once you're clear on how you want to feel, you can then brainstorm ways to add more of those activities into your life, those experiences that provide that sense of feeling for you. And remember, you're not just doing these exercises once, you're doing it all the time. It's really about your relationship with yourself and how you think about yourself and tune into yourself, continuing to really know yourself so that you can create this life that is truly yours. As you do this work, you will reconnect with yourself and remember a big part of who you

always were and who you want to continue to be and what really makes you happy. If you're truly committed to making yourself a priority, sign up for my self-satisfied program. The Life Zone exercise is actually part of that program and I'm going to guide you in how to apply it into your life and so much more. The link is in the show notes and in the comments below. Thank you again for all of your support and for listening.

See you next time.