The Hilary Silver Podcast - Why Therapy Keeps You Stuck (From This Former Therapist)

Episode Date: April 24, 2024

Episode 3: Why Therapy Keeps You Stuck (From This Former Therapist)   Introduction Welcome back to the Hilary Silver Podcast. Today’s episode is particularly close to my heart. As a former certified psychotherapist, I’ve seen the ins and outs of the therapy world, and I’ve come to some controversial conclusions. Today’s conversation is about why I believe the traditional therapy model is failing us, and is holding us back from truly addressing and resolving our deeper issues. Whether you’re a therapy veteran, a skeptical newcomer, or a fellow professional in the field, this episode promises to challenge some of your fundamental beliefs about what healing looks like. Stay tuned as we unpack the reasons behind quitting conventional therapy and explore more dynamic ways to foster personal growth and self-reliance.   Episode Highlights: Hilary’s Critique of Traditional Therapy: Hear Hilary’s compelling reasons for her growing disillusionment with traditional therapy practices. The Repetitive Cycle: Insights into the repetitive nature of problems presented in therapy and why this pushed Hilary to seek a change. Introducing a New Method: Hilary introduces her new method aimed at quicker, more effective results by focusing on empowerment and education rather than prolonged dependency. Episode Breakdown: [00:00:00 - 00:02:00] Opening remarks and Hilary’s bold statement on her current stance on therapy. [00:02:01 - 00:10:00] Discussion on the inefficiencies of traditional therapy, focusing on therapist training and client dependency. [00:10:01 - 00:20:00] Hilary shares her personal journey from practicing therapist to a coach and why she felt compelled to leave the traditional path. [00:20:01 - 00:30:00] Explanation of the Hilary Silver Method, including the structure, goals, and the expected outcomes for clients. [00:30:01 - 00:40:00] Addressing common concerns about switching from traditional therapy to new methods. [00:40:01 - 00:45:00] Closing thoughts and a call to action for listeners to reassess their therapy choices.   Listener Takeaways: Rethink Therapy: Consider whether traditional therapy is meeting your needs or if alternative methods might lead to quicker, more lasting change. Self-Empowerment: Embrace approaches that prioritize self-empowerment and education over dependency. Ask Questions: When engaging with any therapy or coaching, clarify goals, methods, and expected outcomes. Be Proactive: Take an active role in your healing and personal growth journey, challenging the status quo if it’s not working for you. Seek Results: Focus on approaches that promise not just to help you feel better temporarily but to be better in the long term.   Resources Courses and online trainings that are designed to help you make progress in ALL areas of your life – don’t just feel better, be better.     Disclaimer: The Hilary Silver Podcast The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed are the speaker’s own and do not represent the views, thoughts, and opinions of anyone else. The material and information presented here is for general information purposes only.  Reference to any specific product or entity does not constitute an endorsement or recommendation by the host. The views expressed by guests are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent. The content here should not be taken as medical or psychiatric advice. The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare professional for any medical or psychiatric questions. Contact information: [e-mail]

I really don't believe in therapy anymore. I just don't, I just said it. I really don't believe in therapy anymore. Not the way that it exists now. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Welcome to the conversation today. I'm really excited to talk about this one

and I think you'll find it very interesting because I'm going to be dishing on the therapy profession. And coming from me, a former therapist, I think you might like to hear what I have to say. I truly believe that there are some fundamental problems with the therapy profession that make it completely inefficient and ineffective at actually helping people solve their painful problems. And I'm going to lay it all out for you on the episode today. This conversation is going to be good for both the therapy goer, the client, and actually for anyone who's a therapist considering becoming a therapist. And when I was thinking about how I wanted to lay this all out, because there's a lot of it, there's no way to keep the two sides of the story separate. They actually need to be woven together

for it to make complete sense. So even when I'm talking about the therapist training, for example, stick with it because part of the problem with therapy for the client is in the therapist training itself so I hope that you'll find this very intriguing and interesting so I will be weaving it all together for both the therapist and the client in our conversation and before we do I really want to also explain or just share why I left my therapy practice in 2017.

I had been doing it probably for like 13 years, 14 years or something like that. And what I realized was that I would have client after client after client coming to see me. I literally would book myself back to back, nine o'clock in the morning, ending at six o'clock, 10 people in a row. And what I was starting to realize towards the end was I was repeating myself and repeating myself and repeating myself one person after another, after another, after another, that despite what somebody was coming in to see me for, which we call top of mind problems, the what brings you in today, and whether that's an

issue with the boss or a spouse or parenting or I'm anxious or whatever those issues were, we call those top of mind problems, whatever that was, ultimately, every single client that I was working with had the same deep down underlying issue. The root cause and the core issues were always the same. And so that's why I found myself repeating myself over and over and over again. And compounded, whatever issue a client might be working on, struggling with, however they're feeling, it's compounded because what happens is we feel like we're the only one. We feel alone. We feel embarrassed by it. We're ashamed of it. And I could tell my clients all day till the cows come home that you're not the only one, that you're not alone, that the person right before you in this session had the same issue.

I just had this conversation two people ago. It doesn't matter. I could tell you all day that you're not alone and you're not the only one, but there's something about hearing it straight out of somebody else's mouth that changes everything. So in the repetition of my client after client and explaining things and teaching things and helping people, I realized I was developing a curriculum without even knowing it. And I would always spend about 10, 15 minutes of every session educating and training and informing and teaching to provide a foundation of knowledge to the person I'm working with. Because otherwise, they come back in again and

again, each session, focusing on the top of mind. And I just felt like I was craving to make a bigger difference. I was craving, helping, and making more of an impact on a larger scale. And I just felt, this isn't it. I'm done with this. And as I go through the list today, you'll hear some of the other reasons why I also at the time did not feel like I could continue participating in the therapy world. But today, what I know now to be true even more so. So let's get into it. So the first reason that I really, truly, and I'm going to say it this way, I really don't believe in therapy anymore. I just don't. I just said it. I really don't believe in therapy anymore. Not the way that it exists now. I don't believe in it unless there is somebody who is truly, truly suicidal, mentally ill, not functioning in life, extremely traumatized and therefore unable to function or in the middle of a crisis and is needing kind of serious support. But when even in those cases, we're turning into more crisis management,

or it's not exactly the same, you know, outpatient therapy model that I'm actually going to be referencing today. So let's start with the therapist training. This is where it all begins. In the therapist training, the very first thing that we are taught in therapy school is that it is within the relationship between the therapist and the client that the client can feel healed and whole and healthy and to achieve whatever desired outcome. And I hate this with every ounce of my being. While it is important that we find somebody that we are talking to or working with, some kind of leader, professional helper, we want to feel safe and comfortable and trust them and be able to divulge all kinds of personal shit

and not feel judged. It's not the relationship between the therapist and the client, because what if that's what we truly believe, then things go all kinds of wrong. Number one, it fosters complete codependence on the therapist. And so what I see is, you know, in the last seven years since I left my practice and doing my company, and I'll get into that later, the way that I do is that people will say things like, well, you know, I've been going to the same therapist for 15 years, or, you know, I've been off and on to see the same therapist for five years. And I, you know, I just keep them around to have a sounding board or things like that. And so what ends up happening is rather than the goal being fostering and imbuing, mentoring and guiding a client to self-reliance, self-sufficiency, independence, it really creates this codependent relationship with the therapist where the therapist becomes the one who is, who knows everything rather than the client.

And we, I just, that's not the point. The point of therapy is not to go and create this fake false relationship with somebody who you are paying to help you when what you really want is to have a temporary relationship with this person who does care about you and want the best for you, but so that you can get over whatever obstacle you are having in the moment and go out into the world, into your real life and have a real relationship with real people where the relationship has reciprocity, where there's actually equal give and take, where you're learning what a real relationship is and how to navigate those boundaries, that kind of intimacy. And so to me, it's really supposed to be temporary scaffolding,

propping somebody up, giving them a little bit of structure and accountability and safety while they're building their inner strength so that they can then go operate in the world as a fully self-sufficient human being. And then the scaffolding can fall away. The goal should be to work ourselves out of a job. But when you have this relationship with a client or the client has this relationship with a therapist, they end up staying too long in therapy because of the relationship. When therapy has run its course and it's no longer needed or if it's not effective,

but they still come for the relationship, it's a problem. It is a serious problem. People feel guilty leaving their therapist. They want to go because they care about this person and they enjoy this person. So they keep going. But perhaps nothing is actually even happening anymore other than relying on the therapist to be the savior person who's going to help you deal with your life's problems, rather than learning how to solve your own problems. I don't want you all listening to have a therapist that you feel like you need to call when you're in the middle of a tough

situation to get feedback or to get advice. The ultimate goal is to ask yourself, well, what do I feel like I need to do right now? You yourself, well, what do I feel like I need to do right now? You know, gosh, what's going on with me and how do I really, how do I want to handle this? Knowing myself the way that I've learned to know myself, trusting myself the way that I've learned to trust myself. I've got it. I got it. I got this. That is what I personally believe should be the end goal for all of us who are seeking any kind of outside expert guidance when we're struggling with something. And yeah, life comes at us. We're going to struggle. We've got situations that we've never encountered before, and we don't have the skills or the tools or the knowledge or the awareness, we need outside

help. That's not what I'm saying. But the goal should always be pointing the client back to themselves. And what I would do, not that what I always do is always right, but what made me so successful in my therapy practice was taking those top of mind problems that the clients were talking about in their lives and using those experiences as opportunities to practice the things that were actually addressing the root cause and core issues underneath it all. So teaching somebody how to be more resilient and to give themselves a fucking break and to manage their mind and to make peace with their past and to love themselves and to know their worth and to be completely centered in themselves and to be fully expressed.

All these things about relationship with self, because when you have the relationship with self, you actually need therapy less and less. And you seek support and guidance less and less. And you can ask yourself, what do I really need? And that's the goal. That's the goal. So that is like where things start to go wrong right from the very beginning in the training of the therapist, that the relationship is what's most important. Can you see how so many things go wrong because of that?

It's literally part of the ethos in the therapy world and the training in the academic world of how to become a therapist. And no one's really talking about that, but it's very unhealthy to continue to rely on somebody. It's just, we're, we're indoctrinated this way. And then actually what happens is the therapist becomes the savior. The therapist gets the credit when somebody has a win rather than the client being able to say, I did that. I'm proud of myself. Look what I did. Look what I learned how to do. And then did because they point, oh, my therapist taught me this. Oh, my therapist told me to do this. My therapist, you know, helped me achieve this. Well, yeah, we, we, we, they helped, but the goal needs to be self-sufficiency. Teach our clients to fish so they can feed themselves forevermore rather than feed them

one fish at a time. Do this with your job. Go do this with your boyfriend. Go do this with your child. It's pointing them back to what they actually already really do know, but haven't been able to access deep inside of themselves or something they forgot about themselves. Remind them who they are, help them get connected to themselves in a way that they've not ever connected before. So no, no, no, not the relationship between therapist and client.

Okay, let's move on to the next piece. So the next part of the therapist training that I take major issue with is where we are kind of taught, and those of you who aren't therapists don't know this, but we're really taught to be passive in the therapy process. We are supposed to ask questions of the client and in the hopes that the client will speak and then just kind of through free association, just kind of figure it out themselves. And it's a very passive way of sitting in session with somebody,

asking questions and also active listening. We're taught active listening. It's literally a skill that is taught as a therapist. And yeah, it's good to be active listening. You want people to know that you hear them and you're nodding or as they're saying things. But what I've been told by client after client in the last seven years is I got nothing out of it. All I did was go and sit there and they asked me questions that I didn't know the answers to before I came. And I certainly didn't figure it out in the session, or they just kind of reflected back to me what they heard me say. They were getting nowhere. So I have to say my philosophy was always that when somebody is ready for help, they

finally get to the point where they are making the phone call, they're booking an appointment, and they are in enough pain or feel confused enough or frustrated enough with whatever is going on in their life. They just want answers. So I always believed in giving it to them. It doesn't mean that I am the be all end all and what I say is correct and right. There's a lot of ways to look at things. So we would always explore them, but we don't call an estate attorney and expect the estate attorney

to just ask us questions until we figure out what we want. We want guidance. We want answers. We want suggestions. We want our experts to tell us what they really think. And that to me is very important because otherwise you're going to delay and prolong the problem, delay the solution and prolong the problem. It's just, it baffles me that this is the way that the therapy world is operating. It exacerbates the problem. People stew and simmer and sit and marinate in the pain for way too long because therapists are afraid to be directive. So it's to me a collaboration. It's a collaboration between client and therapist. If you all choose to do therapy, make sure that you're finding somebody who's active. I like to roll up my sleeves and get in there, you know, and we're working on this together. We're figuring it out together. Meanwhile, the point to bring it back to the first issue is helping the client hear what

they're saying and point back to them the things that they're saying and help them see the things that they're not able to see themselves and pull out their strengths, pull out what it is that they're capable of and what they're able to do to solve their own problems. But they need our guidance and we should be giving it to them. Okay. Another problem with the way that the therapy world is operating is really that the entire kind of model is set up to be focusing on healing, right? We're healing. So that means we're looking backwards at things that have happened to us as far back as childhood, when we're babies, and even things that happened two days ago, when we got dumped by our partner,

whatever. So looking backwards into the past. The problem with this is that when we look backwards and we get stuck in the past, there's absolutely no way to move forward. So most of the questions that are being asked in the therapy room is all about why. Why am I like this? Why am I struggling? Why do I feel this way? Why am I like this in the world? Why, why, why? And why is not a high quality question at all. Sometimes you might be able to answer the question why and see, oh, this happened to me. Makes sense why I am the way that I am.

But sometimes we can't ever quite put our finger on it. And that means that we're chasing the answer to why forevermore. Meanwhile, life is passing by and we are still stuck trying to figure out why. What's a better question to be asking is what do I need to do and how do I do it so that I can move the fuck on with my life

and be happy and have the relationships that I want and the life that I want and the career that I want and the fulfillment that I can move the fuck on with my life and be happy and have the relationships that I want and the life that I want and the career that I want and the fulfillment that I want. Looking backwards, and some of you don't know this, but psychoanalysis is a form of psychotherapy where people actually go three to five times a week. That's the Freudian lay on the couch model, psychoanalysis, psychoanalysis, psychoanalysis. It's kind of like when you're on the highway and you can't resist looking at the accident on the side of the road, like that morbid fascination. That's what this is. It's like a hobby. Well, if you're doing that because it's a hobby and it's of interest. That's one thing. If you're trying to heal or be happier in your life,

this is not the way, not at all. And so to me, staying focused on the past means you're gonna get stuck there. And I have people come to me who've been therapy goers. They literally take pride in calling themselves a therapy goer or a self-help junkie. And I'm like, hey, what if you could stop thinking about yourself that way and not have to have this consume such a large part of your life?

And you can actually just go live your life instead of trying to figure it out all the time, like solve the problem rather than getting used to trying to solve it all the time. And being able to talk about why you do what you do, where it comes from, my mommy, my daddy, my childhood, blah, blah, blah, and whatever. This is what turns people into knowing better, but not doing better. Talking about all the things that they know to be true about how they got to this point in their lives, but nothing is changing. Nothing. Knowing better, but not doing better is a problem. And honestly, the therapy model is not set up to move forward, to have clients taking actionable steps to move forward into the life that they want.

And this leads me to the next one, which is about holding clients accountable. There is a lot of tiptoeing around in the therapy office, tiptoeing around the problem, tiptoeing around the client's feelings. And it's just a lot of like kid gloves and it's not your fault and you poor thing. And, you know, it's about a lot of enabling is going on in the therapy room.

And it's just furthering victim mentality. It won't surprise you to hear that, you know, occasionally I'll get somebody who crosses my path and they hear what I'm saying and they think I'm a victim blamer. Okay. But what my approach does is actually empower people when you are identifying with a trauma or a wound or something that happened to you in your past, and no one is willing to help you see how you can move forward. No one is helping you leave that in the past and become the person that you really are destined to be, that you want to be. We can't tiptoe around the problem, which is, as you all know, I believe is always us. I am always the problem in my life when something's not working for me. And I want that to be the case because then I can just actively seek the solution to what it is that

I'm doing wrong or not doing right, or a skill that I need to learn or something. I'm in my own way. Everybody is. And so really when we are stuck in our victim thinking and blaming your boss who, who fired you unfairly, or, you know, that we're mad at our entire society because things are the way that they are. And poor me thinking that does not help anyone have agency in their lives and to move forward in any kind of productive manner. And we all need a mirror put in front of ourselves and in our backside, like a 360 degree mirror. We want it to be held up to our face and to our backside by somebody who's kind and loving and compassionate and not going to judge us, but it needs to be put in front of our faces nonetheless. And no one is ever going

to solve their problems or get better or move forward unless they are taking responsibility for themselves. And therapists do not do this. Do not do this at all. It's that's like one of the major reasons that therapy is not effective at all. I really believe in helping people not just feel better, but be better. A pat on the back. It's a you're not the problem. It's their problem. It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong,

kind of speaking is going to make somebody feel better for like this long, two seconds, three seconds a day, maybe, but it's not going to help them be better. So when we can help people as a therapist. I'm speaking to the therapist. And as a client, I want you to demand this of your therapist. Or if you're still insist on going to therapy after the session with me today, insist on getting the truth. Insist that you're working with somebody who's going to give it to you straight. Tell it to you straight. That's the only way to really get the other side of anything that you're struggling with.

Okay. So let's now talk about how the therapy model is like how the services are delivered. We're moving away from the therapist training and into the therapy model, how it's all set up, which is, as most everybody knows, is session by session. It's either used to be only in person and then it became more virtual. So whether you're sitting across from somebody in a room or you are on Zoom with somebody, it's pay by the session. And there's a lot of problems with this because, and I'm going to try to lay it out in a very organized way, even though my brain is

swimming and I want to spit it all out all at once. So first thing that's wrong with this is when you are paying somebody for their time, you are not recognizing that there's actually an outcome that you are trying to achieve and you get stuck going week after week, month after month, year after year, even paying the therapist for their hour. I don't know about you guys, but I don't want to do that. I want to recognize that I have a goal that I'm trying to achieve, a result or an outcome that I really want, or I have a problem that I need to solve, whatever that is. So I want to be engaging with somebody or having a contract or an agreement with somebody for their guidance to get me that result. And if it takes one hour, great. If it takes 20 hours, whatever,

it doesn't matter to me how much time it takes to get that result. I want the result. So can you see how it might not be very effective to go and pay somebody for their time? When I'm paying a contractor to work on my house, I'm paying them to remodel my kitchen. I want the result. I don't care how long it takes them. In fact, the shorter the time it takes, the better. High functioning people, really successful, effective people value time. I'll pay a lot more to get something done faster than rather than dragging it out. That's another thing. Like, do you want to go to some professional who's going to see you for a year or years on end to help you get to a result? Or would you rather know that they can say, hey, we're going to see you for a year or years on end to help you get to a result? Or would you rather know that they can say, hey, we're going to work for this period of time. It's going to be an intense amount of time, but I'm going to get it to you, this result,

and we're going to work together and I'm going to help you cross that finish line fast. I want that because I don't want to get stuck in the problem. I want to cross the finish line and celebrate. That's what I want. So it's just not good for us to be paying somebody for their time. We want to stay 100% committed to and focused on the desired outcome. It's also not good for the therapist because how many hours can you work in a day? At some point, your growth is capped.

Your financial growth is capped and you can only go so far because you have only so many hours in the day. And if you're getting paid by the session, you want to have as many sessions as possible. So therein lies the conflict of interest where you're supposed to be working yourself out of a job. And to get somebody the help that they need,

the solution that they're looking for fast, rather than bringing them back and scheduling the next session at the end of this one, and then the next session at the end of that one. It's not, it's just not effective. My approach is that it's not about what you're getting. It's about who you're becoming. And I want you all to be thinking about that from now on, whether it's a therapist,

a coach, a trainer, somebody that you are working with to help you. It's not about what you're getting, the number of sessions or the months that you're going to work together or the workbooks that you're getting or any of those things. It's who you are becoming in the process of doing this work of focusing on your desired outcome and to me for most of us that result is priceless we have to be willing to invest in ourselves. So this is the next thing. Paying by session, using insurance, paying a copay means that we have very little skin in the game for the process of change and transformation. 150 bucks, 200 bucks for a session, like that might hurt a little bit for some people, $10 copay, $20 copay. This is really a setup for failure because A, the therapist is not making enough money to actually live a thriving, abundant life. But for the client, you're putting in minimum effort. You're throwing the therapist a bone and you're showing up and it's not hurting enough.

It's not your lack of financial investment in this experience means that you may be less committed. This is when people canceled their appointments because, eh, I feel better today or, eh, what am I gonna talk about today? Or I got busy, so I'm not going to go. And so you get stuck, not really ever resolving the thing that you started in the first place for. It's kind of just paying your dues, doing time together. It's just not effective at all.

And then people end up getting stuck in the tunnel instead of getting to the other side. And that's a problem. Another problem with the session by session. As I said at the beginning, the top of mind problems, what brings somebody in to get the help, the guidance, the support that they're looking for, the advice. It just becomes talking because there's no foundation of education, information, curriculum. There's lack of structure to help somebody move from point A, which is where they are, to point D,

which is where they want to be. And so it becomes, oh, this happened to me today. I guess I'll talk about this. Or I remember people saying to me at the time, I don't know what to talk about, but I had an appointment, so here I am. Why do that? That's just stupid. It's a waste of time for everybody. When you have a very clear goal and the two of you, the client and the therapist or the coach, as I'm leaning towards now where we're headed in this conversation, is where are you now? What are you struggling on? Struggling with? Where are you stuck? What's going on now? And what is this desired outcome? The gap, where do you wanna be?

Let's get you there. There needs to be some kind of methodology or protocol or system that walks a client through incrementally the steps that they need to get there. Therapy doesn't have that. You don't know what your therapist, a therapist doesn't know what the client is going to walk into the office talking about that day.

It's like willy nilly going all over the place. When you are paying somebody to help you get to cross that finish line, you want to know that they are going to be providing you a step-by-step method of getting there. And when there is a curriculum or some kind of educational system or a protocol of some kind that the client is doing on their own time, the sessions become about debriefing, asking questions, helping make sense of something that maybe doesn't make sense, getting clarification, how to apply the things in your

life that you've learned in between sessions. Because a lot of people think that the therapy is happening in the therapy room and it's not. What's happening in the therapy room is the check-in, is the exchange of information or loving kindness support. But the real work is being done in between sessions. And if there's no kind of curriculum or classroom or some kind of material that provides the foundation for this experience, the client goes nowhere. They forget to work on things. They don't know what they're supposed to be doing. So providing the material step by step by step is so much more efficient and effective

at helping people achieve their goals. Since I closed my therapy practice, I've been able to help more people than ever before, thousands, and I've gotten my clients better results and true transformation doing things this way and to do it fast in less than 90 days often. And it's a lasting change because they are committed to the process. They're all in and they're not counting sessions and they're not paying by session.

And I'm not pitching myself here. This model that I'm talking about, that I'm going to give you more information on in a minute, is really where we all need to be headed to. We do. I run my top tier program in the Ready for Love company this way. It's a combination of the foundational materials, the curriculum, the education, the videos, the homework, the pre-thought-out, designed, intentionally crafted, and created exercises that go with the lessons that people are doing on their own time so that we maximize the coaching time together. And there's never, I don't know what I want to talk about today. There's always something to talk about. And each step that builds on itself

helps the client achieve a certain level of awareness and mastery on their own. And now they're asking, well, let's, let's like, how do I apply this to the situation in my life? And that's where true transformation comes from, because information is not the same as transformation. And just talking about your problems doesn't solve them. things to be thinking about. If you do still choose to go to therapy and to see a therapist or work with a therapist to solve whatever's going on in your life, fine. We all need help from time to time, but here's how you're going to make the most of that experience and your investment, your time investment, your emotional investment, and your financial investment. Number one, I really want you to be making sure that this therapist is a good fit for you and be interviewing this person for their style. Are they directive? Are they going to hold you accountable? Are they going to push back? Do they have a methodology? How long are you going to be working together?

Like get really clear on that and please invite the truth from your therapist. Tell them I want the feedback. If I'm not doing something great, I really want you to tell me. Don't just tell me how great I am. Invite that. And if this is somebody who doesn't do it that way or is uncomfortable with that, then this is really not going to be a person that's going to help you get there. So that's the first one. The second one is to be very clear what your goals are and to have a very specifically

solution-focused approach. Now, you may not know exactly what the goal is. It may be fuzzy or unclear, and you're just more stuck in the pain or the problem that you're in. But the very first thing that you're doing with this person is getting clear what is the goal. What am I here for? What are we working towards? It's not enough to just feel better. You have to be better. So temporary feeling better might happen after one session. Yeah, I always wanted my clients to feel better when they left my office after every session because I left them on a hopeful high note, feeling empowered, not because I told them how great they were. They felt a lasting sense of being better because they knew they had it in them to, to, to achieve whatever it is that they wanted to achieve. The pat on the back doesn't last.

Okay, so that's the second. And then the third is to know that when you're going into this, your therapist is not going to save you. Your wins are not theirs. Your struggles, your failures, your hard times are not theirs either. They are yours. And you need to take ownership over this process. They are here to guide you, not to save you.

And you have to go all in on fixing whatever's going wrong in your life or changing behaviors that you have that are not working for you or getting to the other side of whatever it is that's got you stuck right now. It's on you. This is about you. And the goal of your work with this person is to help you be more self-sufficient, more autonomous, more self-reliant,

to help you trust yourself, to get you to a place where you are self-centered. So thanks for listening. Part of my very strong opinions today. I hope it was helpful and I'll see you next time. Thanks so much for joining the conversation today. I hope you learned something new or heard something that inspired you to take action in a new way as your greatest champion and someone who truly cares about your love, happiness, wealth, and success,

I always want to encourage you to ask yourself this question. How have I contributed? You are the only person who can ask this and the only one who can answer it. This doesn't just change your life. This changes everything.