The Hilary Silver Podcast - Why You Attract Emotionally Unavailable Men

Episode Date: July 25, 2025

Ever feel like you're on date #200, with the same guy? In this episode, Hilary breaks down emotional unavailability for what it actually is: a lack of real intimacy. If you're attracting men who can't go deep, there's a reason. And it may have more to do with you than you think. For high-functioning women especially, this is a sneaky blind spot. You might be warm, flirty, and fun—but still totally guarded. You might talk about your emotions, but not feel them in real time. And that performative intimacy? It’s what keeps real connection out of reach.   Episode Highlights: Why emotional unavailability isn’t just a “man” problem The two biggest reasons people avoid true intimacy The subtle difference between being expressive and actually being emotionally available How to finally break the pattern by turning inward   Episode Breakdown: 00:00 Why “200 First Dates” Is a Red Flag 01:51 What Emotional Availability Actually Means 02:45 Fear of Vulnerability and Rejection 04:19 Emotional Expression Is a Learnable Skill 06:06 Why Surface-Level Connection Isn’t Enough 08:04 How to Break the Pattern for Good   If you’re done settling for surface-level connections—or being the one who always “catches feelings” first—this is the episode for you. 💥 Ready to stop the cycle for good? Watch Hilary’s free masterclass for high-achieving women who want real, lasting love → http://hilarysilver.com/masterclass 🔗 Ready for More Membership Waitlist → https://hilarysilver.com/waitlist/

I once had a woman tell me that her boyfriend of six months broke up with her, claiming, it feels like we've been on 200 first dates. Let that sink in. 200 first dates with the same person? No thank you. That says a lot about the way they were interacting, doesn't it? Sure, first dates can be fun and flirty and sexy, but they're also awkward and polished and carefully filtered. If it still feels like that six months in, it's a problem. The connection isn't deepening, and that's a sign that one or both people are emotionally unavailable. Women love to talk about how men are emotionally unavailable, as if it's a trait unique to men. But relationships are a mirror. If you keep attracting men. But relationships are a mirror. If you keep attracting emotionally unavailable men, it's not just about them. It's about you too. And for high functioning women especially,

this is a major blind spot. So today I'm breaking it all down. What emotional unavailability really is, why you're drawn to it, and how to finally break the pattern. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation. If you're new here, I'm Hillary Silver, former clinical therapist turned master coach. I've been counseling and coaching high performers for 25 years. I'm also the founder of Ready for Love, a company completely dedicated to helping high-achieving single women get the love and the life they want by focusing on the relationship that

matters most, the one they have with themselves. We are in the midst of an eight-week series I'm calling The Summer of Love. Whether you're single or coupled, I assure you that there will be something for everyone in these episodes, because getting anything you want always starts with you. When we talk about emotional availability, what we are really talking about is intimacy. The willingness, the desire, and the ability to be intimate and connect with someone emotionally. It's letting yourself be seen as you really are, revealing your true, full self. Meaning, it's not just sharing what you did today,

but how you were feeling when you were doing it. Sharing what it was like to be you, your experience being you in this life. It's not, I went to dinner with a friend. It's, I felt so connected with her, it reminded me how much I've missed real conversations. And I realized how I've been so focused on work lately. I've been kind of lonely and I didn't even realize it.

I really want to change my priorities so I have more friendships like that in my life. It's that kind of sharing. That is how you allow yourself to be seen. Letting someone into your inner world and being with you in this way. That is sharing your emotional self. And there are two main reasons people can't or won't allow it. First, this kind of intimacy is hot and sexy and authentic and raw and real, and it's way too intense and scary for so many people.

Because what's at stake when you are willing to be seen in this super vulnerable way? That's right, that you might get hurt. Vulnerability by definition is the willingness to get hurt, something most people are not willing to risk. In fact, when I ask women what's their biggest fear about letting down their wall and being vulnerable and letting someone in?

95% of the 7,000 women I've spoken with in the last eight years say rejection. If I let him see the real me, he won't like what he sees and he will leave. Then I ask, what does it mean if this happens? What does it mean if he leaves and you get rejected? And more often than not, they say, it means I'm not good enough. We make rejection mean I'm not lovable, something's wrong with me, or I'm not enough. This is a primal fear so powerful that it prevents some people from ever taking that risk. This is what's lurking behind the emotionally unavailable wall. Ironically, moving around in the world with this armor of protection in place actually creates the very

rejection you were so desperately trying to avoid. The second reason you may be emotionally unavailable is because you simply don't know how to interact and engage like this. Believe it or not, it is a skill when you just never acquired along the way. Maybe sharing and expressing feelings wasn't modeled for you in the home growing up. Maybe feelings weren't allowed or it wasn't safe to express your feelings. Maybe no one was asking you about your feelings

so you didn't learn how to notice or process or express this within yourself in this way. Or maybe it's just a part of your brain that isn't as developed. If you're a sciency, mathy, smarty pants kind of woman like that, it just may not be something that you're naturally good at it. But it is a skill anyone can learn if you wish to do so and you aren't willing to let fear keep you from it. And listen, this part is really important. Some women think they're being emotionally available and open because they're talkative or warm or flirty and engaging. They know how to connect on the surface, but often they're sharing around their emotions, not from them. You intellectualize your emotions, talking about what you feel, almost like reporting it, but you don't feel it in real time. You

explain, analyze, and narrate, but you don't sit with the discomfort or express this from the heart. So it's polished and charming and performing. It's not actually intimacy. And then what happens? The moment things get real, the moment that she catches feelings, the moment she wants him to like her, when she becomes invested,

that's when things start to go sideways. That's when you suddenly lose the interest of someone you were actually excited about. It's these moments suddenly lose the interest of someone you were actually excited about. It's these moments, these emotional turning points, when the good ones get away. Just like the story I mentioned earlier, that man wanted more from her, but 200 first dates was no longer enough. The bottom line is this, and whether it's fear or simply a lack of skill, the result is the same. You're not letting people in.

And when no one can really reach you emotionally, that's when the pain shows up. You can be in a relationship and still feel completely alone, sleeping next to someone, sharing meals, making plans, but never really being truly known. It's the loneliest relationship there is, feeling like a stranger in your own relationship, because you never really show your full self, and they don't either. And over time, that surface level connection starts to feel empty. And this is when people cheat,

or it's when they walk away, almost out of the blue, feeling blindsided by a breakup. Not because the relationship was bad or broken, but really because it lacked the one thing we all deeply crave, true intimacy. Maybe believing they will find it in someone else, going from relationship to relationship and not realizing that the problem and the solution are not found in someone else but inside of themselves instead. And if you're single, this shows up in a different

way. You go on dates, maybe even lots of them, but you don't get past the first few dates or the first few months. The ones that you really like don't pursue you. And if it does last longer, it never deepens. You say something's missing or he's emotionally unavailable. And maybe that's true. But if you're honest, there's also a part of you that's withholding, that's guarded, that's performing or pleasing or trying to control the image that they have of you instead of being real. The truth is, emotionally unavailable people are attracted to emotionally unavailable people. And two people can stay in collusion in a

relationship for years, comfortably avoiding true intimacy and even functioning well as teammates and lifestyle buddies. But it feels empty and eventually one or both will feel starved for more. A deep longing and ache in the bones. The only way to break the pattern is to stop focusing on them and to start becoming emotionally available yourself. Because once you are, you feel it immediately when someone else isn't, and you don't waste your time trying to pull it out of them. You don't question your worth.

You just simply move on because it's not enough for you. Because you've learned what real connection feels like and anything less just doesn't cut it anymore. So if you want love that's real, love that's deep and nourishing and safe, and you want to be seen and to have someone actually bear witness to your existence in this most profound way, you have to be willing to go first, to take the risk, to learn the skill, to be the version of you who's no longer hiding behind the wall, and to expand your capacity for emotional connection.

It's not easy, but you can do it and it's everything. It's just everything. So if you're ready to stop attracting emotionally unavailable men and to start creating true emotional connection in your life, watch my free masterclass. It's specifically designed for high achieving women who already have

everything else in life except love and are really ready to make that change. The link is in the description and in the show notes. I will see you there. And if this resonated, let me know in the comments, like and subscribe, and make sure that you check out the rest of the Summer of Love series. We're only just getting started.