The Hilary Silver Podcast - Your Questions Answered! Narcissism, Romance, Therapy & More

Episode Date: May 3, 2024

Episode 5: Your Questions Answered! Narcissism, Romance, Therapy & More   Introduction Hello, listeners! Welcome back to The Hilary Silver Podcast. Today’s episode is a special one—it’s our very first BONUS Q&A session! We’ve been receiving so many insightful and thought-provoking questions from you all, and it’s time we dive into them. From dealing with complex relationship dynamics to uncovering the hidden roots of anxiety, we’re covering a range of topics to give you the clarity and tools you need. So sit back, tune in, and let’s get started on this journey of discovery together. Remember, this is not just about finding answers—it’s about empowering you to take control of your life and relationships. Let’s join the conversation with Hilary and her Creative Director, Jessica Lynn.   Episode Highlights: First ever BONUS Q&A episode with listener-submitted questions Deep dives into anxiety, narcissism, and relationship challenges Practical advice on recognizing and dealing with gaslighting Insights on choosing effective therapists or coaches Episode Breakdown: 00:00 - Introduction: Kicking off our first Q&A session 00:26 - Anxiety Insights: Exploring deeper issues beyond anxiety 15:42 - Narcissism and Relationships: Strategies for dealing with toxic behavior in relationships 37:15 - Handling Gaslighting: Effective approaches to address and confront gaslighting behavior 52:50 - Therapy and Coaching: Choosing the right help for personal growth and healing Listener Takeaways: Understand how deeper issues might manifest as anxiety and what you can do about it Learn to identify and respond to narcissistic traits and gaslighting in relationships Gain tips on selecting a therapist or coach who can provide not just support, but practical steps toward improvement Empower yourself with the knowledge and confidence to address personal and relational challenges effectively   Resources Boundaried Ready For Love     Disclaimer: The Hilary Silver Podcast The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed are the speaker’s own and do not represent the views, thoughts, and opinions of anyone else. The material and information presented here is for general information purposes only.  Reference to any specific product or entity does not constitute an endorsement or recommendation by the host. The views expressed by guests are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent. The content here should not be taken as medical or psychiatric advice. The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare professional for any medical or psychiatric questions. Contact information: [e-mail]

Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver podcast. Welcome, everybody. Today is actually a true conversation. It's not just me talking. It's actually me listening to you. We've been asking you all to submit your questions, your comments, things that you think maybe I've missed, or I've got off the mark, or things that you want to hear more about. And today I am here with Jess. She's my good friend and creative director, and she's going to be feeding me questions. She's just randomly picked some of our juiciest questions from all of you. And I have no idea what they are. I have no idea what the questions are. So I'm in the hot seat and let's just dive right into the questions.

All right. Awesome. We've got some really good questions from listeners, and it kind of runs the gamut on all of the topics that you've been discussing lately on the Hillary Silver podcast. So I'm just going to dive right in and ask you. So our first question is about gaslighting. So it says this, my question is about gaslighting and passive aggressive behavior. I know you're asking us to look at ourselves, but I know my partner is gaslighting me and he is also passive aggressive. I don't want to lose

the relationship. So how do I call him out and get him to stop? Okay. So a lot of pieces there and my brain is already churning. So we might have to go back to the question again, because I sometimes talk and then I forget what the original part of the question was. So the first thing I want to say right off the bat that jumped off the page is there, and I want everybody to understand this and you all know this. I know you know this already, but I have to say it. There is nothing that you can do that will make somebody else do something. We cannot control what other people do. And if you try to do that and you try to do that and try to do that, it's like beating your head against the wall. It's going to exhaust you, disappoint you, upset you, frustrate you. You'll feel resentful.

So in this case, there is absolutely nothing that this person, I don't know if it was a man or woman. I don't think that was made clear. There's nothing that this person can do to make their partner stop doing this. Okay. You can't be tied to that outcome. We have to relinquish that right here, right now, surrender to that. That is not a goal that is achievable. Now, having said that, there are lots of things that we can say or do to try to influence somebody else's behavior, especially in an intimate romantic relationship with somebody that we care about. Because I'm not perfect, and I know my husband wants me to change some things about how I communicate. He can't make me change, but he can point out to me the things that I am doing, things that I do that are uncomfortable, things that I say that are hurtful.

So in this case, you can say, hey, person that I love very much and don't want to lose. I really, when you say things like such, such, and such, I feel blah, blah, blah. So you're owning your feelings and you're owning your experience and you're making a request to your partner to communicate in a different way. When we understand that how we are communicating has a negative effect on somebody that we care about, we're more likely to be incentivized to make a change. So the way you approach this conversation determines how it will end. So if you approach it with you this and you that, and it feels like an attack, that person will go into defense mode and put their armor up and put

their shields up because they're feeling under attack. So the best way to approach it is talking about you and your feelings and how it makes you feel. And that's just a matter of speech because again, people can't make us feel anything. It's how you're feeling in response to what your person is saying to you. So when you say it this way, I feel blah, blah, blah. And you can maybe even make a suggestion and say, can I make a suggestion about how to say that better so that I actually feel like I can hear it? So you're making a suggestion. I truly believe that most of us don't intend to hurt anyone on purpose. Most of us are not horrible people. We're not evil. We're not. It's a lack of knowledge, awareness, consciousness, skills.

We don't know better. If we know better, a lot of times we will do better. Not always, but a lot of the times we will. And in an intimate partnership, this is a spiritual partnership together in your intimacy. You influence one another positively or negatively, depending on what you're doing with each other. But the goal of a relationship is to grow together. And you can grow together when you make requests of each other. And it feels positive and it feels nurturing. And the goal is to come together better than before. So I hope I answered that question.

It was, we can't control other people, but we can suggest and recommend and request and ask for what we need. And if we do it in a way where it doesn't feel like an attack, we're more likely to get our needs met. But I will say one last thing, which is when somebody is talking to us in a way that doesn't feel good, if we don't say something, we are allowing it.

We are tolerating it. We are accepting it. And we are just as much a part of the problem as the person who's doing this to us. So you will condone it by being quiet. You will allow it by not speaking up. So you have an obligation to your own self, your own well-being, to your own agency and personhood to keep yourself safe. Over time, if this person refuses to make progress,

and even little baby steps can feel better for you because it's effort, you're being seen and heard and respected, even if it doesn't change all the way, effort will go a long way for you to feel okay being there. But over time, if it doesn't get better, it may be a relationship that you may have to consider leaving and losing because it's not respectful. It's not loving. So I just felt like I had to say that too before we move on to the next question. Yeah, that was awesome. That hit all the points of the question, by the way. Good. Okay. So now we've got one on therapy. So I'm going to All right. This is what they say. Your episode on therapy was really eyeopening. I realized that

I've spent years not making any progress, but if therapy isn't the answer, what is? Good question. I think I left a few things to say about what's better in that episode, but I was mostly harping on, I was, I was shitting all over therapy. So a couple things. The therapy paradigm, the therapy model really is too much, in my opinion, looking backwards at why we do what we do. How did we get here? Why am I like this? And pointing the finger of blame at our childhood, at our experiences, at our trauma, at the people who've harmed us. And it's lacking actually keeping clients accountable and helping them take responsibility for themselves. Therapists often feel kind of like the parent who wants to be the kid's friend rather than the parent who's being the kid's parent.

You know, sometimes you have to, as a therapist, we need to be able to tell our clients the hard truth, which is you're the problem here. And that doesn't happen because it's framed like therapy is in the context is do no harm. Right. So make people feel better, but that doesn't help people be better. So my answer is, is, is a lot of things. I now consider myself a recovered therapist. And I have some people in my world who feel the same way. And that is to find a person. And I'll tell you who that is in a minute, but find a person who has a different approach. Ideally, you will find somebody who is trained like a therapist, who can help with the deep healing, who understands psychology really well.

Therapists are trained in ethical practices. So you won't find as many sketchy things going on as you will in the coaching industry. So find somebody who's very well trained in multiple therapy clinical modalities, but who has a coach approach. Because the coach approach is about solutions. It's about action steps. It's about having a path or a plan to move forward. Now, coaching is also a hot topic because that industry is not regulated at all. As a therapist, I have to have continuing education every year. I have to renew my license every year. I have to take a code of ethics exam and I have to be tested and blah, blah, blah. It's highly regulated.

The coach industry is not. Anyone can say that they are a coach. Anyone. And that's really scary. You all might feel like sitting ducks and pray. I know when I'm looking for help, I have often felt like pray when I'm looking for a coach, even me who knows all of this stuff. So it can be, you can feel like, oh, a sitting duck. So when you're looking for a coach, make sure that you're asking all the right questions.

And just because somebody has been able to achieve a goal for themselves does not make them an expert at helping other people achieve it for them. Just because you lost 50 pounds doesn't mean you're an expert in how you can help other people lose 50 pounds. Just because you were single your whole life and finally found love does not make you an expert on love and relationships and intimacy. On the other hand, you can take a coaching certification program and in six months be a coach. And that doesn't mean that you're an expert either. It means that you took a six month coaching certification program and now you have a shingle that you can hang outside of your door. So I know it sounds like I'm telling you there's nobody you can trust, but that's not true. You just have to do your due diligence.

So if you stick with the therapy route, make sure that your therapist has a coach approach. Interview that person. Make sure that they are going to be an active participant and collaborator with you. They are directive. They have a plan. There's an action-oriented, I'm moving myself away from the problem and towards my goal. And that you are contracting with this person for a period of time, not per session until in perpetuity.

It's within three months time. If I come every week, this is the goal that I would like to achieve. Is that doable? Do you have a plan for me? I want a plan. I'm not just going willy nilly until I get tired of coming or until my insurance runs out or until I have no more money and I'm no better for it. So to recap, a plan of action to move forward, somebody who is directive and collaborative in nature, who will put the mirror in front of your face, even if it's a little hard for you to look into it, they will do it anyway, because that's what you need to move forward. Somebody who's not afraid of that. And, and, and to contract for a period of time, be your own best advocate, be your own best advocate here. And, and, you know, we, we, we,

we all deserve to work with the best for us. When I have an issue, I want a specialist. I want to go to the person who knows this one thing, best. Hire the best. You all deserve the best. And you won't know who that is for you unless you're willing to ask the tough questions and interview them. And if you don't like their answers, they're not your person. But the goal is to always move away from the problem and solve the problem, not to stay in it. And we get all very used to having the problem. We end up identifying with having the problem, not to stay in it. And we get all very used to having the problem. We end up identifying with having the problem, to be a lifelong therapy goer, to be a self-help junkie.

People have literally said that as if they're proud of it. And I'm like, don't you want to solve the problem and go live your life? So that should really be the goal behind any time that you're looking for a professional person to help you solve a problem or achieve a goal. That was great. Yeah. Okay.

Oh, boy. All right. Here we go. You were describing me to a T. This person is responding to our episode about high achieving women who struggle to find love. So she says, you were describing me to a T. I am super successful and accomplished, but my love life is in shambles and it causes me so much shame and embarrassment. How do I, quote unquote, get over myself and find love if I truly am the problem?

Well, kudos. I mean, honestly, I know that episode is kind of hard. It's like the truth just being delivered on a platter. So good for you for seeing yourself in that. It's not always easy to do. And you already have begun to get over yourself as you put it. I would never say that, but like, you know, we all have to get over ourselves. And to me, the first part of all of this is recognizing that you are the problem. You've heard me say it before now at this point, hopefully, if this isn't your first episode, that it's the bitter pill to swallow, that we are the problem in our lives

when something's not working. It's always us. But that's also the magic pill. At the same time, if you're willing to swallow it down, because then you are the solution. So it's really about just being willing to say to yourself, how am I getting in my own way? How am I getting in my own way here? Your zone of genius might be whatever it is that you do at your job that makes you so good at it. You are so good at those things. You are so good at lots of things in your life. It could just potentially be that you're just not that great at dating, at intimacy, at relationships. We're not all good at everything. but in your career, if you weren't good at certain skillset, you wouldn't just settle for that. You would go figure it out. You would hire somebody,

get a mentor, take a class, you know, get some coaching around that. You wouldn't just cruise forward and settle for not knowing what you're doing in your career. A lot of people do this. We all do this actually as a society. Money, parenting, and relationships are the three areas that I can think of off the top of my head where we are expected to be successful but are given zero education around it. None. We are not taught in school how to have great relationships, starting with the one with ourself, how to manage our mind and how to have good mental health and how to take care of ourselves and how to communicate and how to, we're not taught these things. Oftentimes our model sucks. We, most of us learn what we don't want from our family and our primary home growing up rather than what we do want. And so we're just

kind of fumbling around trying to feel our way around in the dark. And so, but we wouldn't settle for not having the answers in other areas of our lives and expect to be successful, but we do that in relationships. So for me, I would not be here right now. There's no way in hell I would be here right now on this podcast, answering these questions and having helped all the people in my life that I've helped, if I had not first gotten myself the help that I needed, I just wouldn't. And there's no shame in that. We all need help in the areas that we just aren't naturally talented or naturally aware or conscious. It just doesn't come naturally. So being willing to look in the mirror and asking, what is it that I'm doing here? And oftentimes it's, as I talked about in the, in that episode, it's a self-worth issue. It's a not loving self, not accepting self, not feeling valuable or good enough at the

deepest part. That is the core issue. And when, and when you have this core issue and it's like our subconscious fears and beliefs that creates the nether of the next layer and it's like our subconscious fears and beliefs that creates the next layer. It's the middle layer. And that is showing up in our relationships with fear, doubt, insecurity, questioning self, feeling scared, feeling ambivalent, or you want it and you don't at the same time. So it's our emotional state and our energetic vibration with how we approach our relationships. And then on the surface, the outer layer is what you're running into and what you're experiencing. It's dating men who aren't at your level. It's

dating women who aren't healthy. It's, you know, staying too long in relationships that aren't good for you. It's finding nobody that you're attracted to. It's what it looks like you're experiencing on the outer surface. It's all, it's a multi-layered issue because human psychology and relationships are complex. It's not just one thing. So please, please don't just go hire a matchmaker. That shit doesn't work. One of our clients in Ready for Love, one of our VIP clients had such a successful company that she was featured on the show Undercover Boss. She paid $80,000 to a matchmaker and was still getting ghosted. So it's not just get a matchmaker. It's how are you showing up? And for this person who submitted this question, thank you. It's not just finding the right person. It's who are you being

and how are you showing up when you're out there trying to have this relationship and attract your person? And I highly recommend Ready for Love. It's the best on the planet, if I do say so myself. Yeah. Thanks for that question. So, okay. It looks like we're going back to narcissism. So this is a pretty vulnerable question. So somebody wrote in and asked, or just said, I realize even more now that I need to take more responsibility for my actions or lack of actions and how this has contributed to my situation. However, I also wonder if someone is being quite emotionally abusive, critical, dismissive, invalidating, and tries to make you feel guilty as a form of control, it is so hard to stand up for yourself and speak out. How in the world do I do this? Well, so the good news in this question, even though it sounds horrible,

is that you are aware of this. Now you see this behavior and you see it as a way to control you. And this might sound like very oversimplified, but you have to decide that you're not controllable. Like this person does not get to control you. You are a sovereign individual with autonomy in your life. You have dominion. So this is not like, this is a decision. It is 100% a decision. And you have to decide that you're going to get your own back and do what you need to do to take care of you. This person is, we had that earlier question about gaslighting and whatnot. This sounds worse. This sounds almost like abuse. And this is 100% like a dangerous situation because when it gets that

bad, it usually starts escalating. And, and so I'm not, I'm not without empathy here. I am, I am, this is the coach approach. Okay. This is the coach approach I was just talking about. What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about it? Up until now, you've been maybe biting your tongue, looking the other way, cowering, allowing, tolerating, not speaking up, not getting your own back. And maybe that's because this person is scary, but you're still here continuing to allow it. So what is it that you need to do to get your own back and keep yourself safe and be your own best friend and not self-betray and not self-abandon? You know, like this is bordering something that sounds a little bit scary to me, in my opinion,

it just, from what I've heard in the past, if this is all that it is, it's bad enough, but it could get worse. And before it gets worse, like what happens is over time, when you're with somebody who treats you this way, it eats away at your soul. And it just it's kind of like acid erosion before you know it, you're just not the strong person that you were. You doubt yourself. They steal your reality and you don't really know that what you're thinking is real anymore. It's abuse. So the only thing I can say in this situation is to get the fuck out. Get the fuck out. Period. And it doesn't have to be as hard as people make it out to be. It doesn't. There are a lot of resources for this, a lot. Use them. But we accept what we're willing to tolerate. We accept and tolerate what we think we deserve. This is a self-worth issue for the person who submitted this question,

without a doubt. And the thing is, until you and all people who are in a similar situation do the work on themselves, it's going to repeat. It will repeat. It will. So this person sounds horrible. He or she must take responsibility for themselves, which they most likely will not. But that's not your problem. What is your problem is you taking responsibility for you. And if you don't do the work on you to get healthy and strong and restore your sense of self and become centered and self-centered in yourself, you may leave this relationship only to find yourself in another one just like it. So you have to do this work on yourself. You just do. Said with all the love that I have,

I'm just straight talk. Like I'm just, it's, I'm a straight shooter. We're going to solve the solvable problems here. We're not going to like the therapy model. We'll have this person languishing in this and enabling a victim mentality and poor you, and you don't deserve that. And they're a horrible person, but that does nothing to change the situation at all. And it does nothing to prevent that another relationship like this from happening down the road. The only way we can ensure that that doesn't happen again is by seeing how we are contributing. How are we co-creating this?

How are we inviting this dynamic? And to promise ourselves we'll never fucking do it again. Never. That's what has to happen. Love. Love. That was so good. I love how you tied the narcissism episode and with the other episodes and with the therapy episode and brought it all back into the overall philosophy. There is a method to my madness sometimes.

It was awesome. That was so great. And it's so empowering to be madness sometimes. That was awesome. That was so great. And it's so empowering to be able to really lean into that. Yeah, I mean, that's my goal. Like I'm not an ass kicker just for the sake of kicking ass. I really am the champion. I am everybody's biggest cheerleader. I want for everyone to just live up to their own fullest potential and to get what

it is that they want. And, and, and like, look, Serena Williams is the best female tennis player in the world. And she still has a coach and I bet her coach tells her what to do and not to do. And Hey, what do you knock that off? Stop that, you know, like whatever. And we all need that person in our lives. All right. Any more? Any more questions? That's what, that's all we've got for today. Okay. Okay. Well, that was so fun. I like these Q and A's.

I think we should just definitely keep doing them. So what that means is we need your questions. So as I'm doing these episodes on a variety of topics, always bringing it back to the self-centered, flipping the script, being a bit of a disruptor, it back to the self-centered, flipping the script, being a bit of a disruptor, being a shit disturber as I am, looking at all of the commonly held beliefs that are holding us back and limiting us from our biggest, fullest potential, challenging the mainstream and convention. As we're having all of these conversations about all these areas

of our lives, I want to hear from you. What am I missing? What did I leave out? Put your voice in the room. What are your questions? What do you want me to explain more of? Submit your questions. That is something for subscribers only. So if you have not yet subscribed, please go to hillarysilver.com forward slash podcast. At the bottom of the page, there's a place where you can nominate and put a question there. You can also reply to any of our emails if you're on our email list, which you can subscribe to on our website as well. And most importantly, don't forget to rate and review our podcast. It just tells the algorithm, hey, I like this. Let's keep this going. More of this, please. Let more people find out that we're here.

That is really, truly the best way for us to grow. So thank you in advance for doing that. And I'll see you guys next time. Thanks so much for joining the conversation today. I hope you learned something new or heard something that inspired you to take action in a new way. As your greatest champion

and someone who truly cares about your love, happiness, wealth, and success, I always want to encourage you to ask yourself this question. How have I contributed? You are the only person who can ask this and the only one who can answer it. This doesn't just change your life.

This changes everything