The Hoely Hour - E129 Disney Princess of Crows

Episode Date: March 24, 2023

Would you wear a ring to let people know you're open to dating? Because that's the new alternative to online dating apparently. How often do "healthy couples" have sex? A listener writes in to ask how to tell her roommate that her boyfriend is over far too often. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. Now, I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited premium wireless for $15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made $15 bills. But it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch.

Upfront payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for 12-month plan required. $15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. May slow when network is busy. see terms there are so many andrew tate quotes that i feel like i could like do a series of like did dwight shrewd say it or did andrew tate say it welcome to the holy hour a podcast about sex

relationships mental health and everything in between i'm amelia samson and i'm liz ball follow us on instagram and tiktok at the holy hour i'm on instagram and tiktok at amelia samson and i'm on instagram and tiktok at liz ball so hard you can also watch us on youtube or listen ad free on patreon at patreon.com slash the holy hour check out our merch at the holy hour.com and email us your spicy stories at holy hour podcast at gmail.com this weekend Amelia and I hung out and um one of the nights I or I guess the only night that we hung out on Saturday night I had a few too many drinks to drive home so i stayed in amelia's guest room and she has a window next to her guest bed and there's like a corner like where the window goes in and somehow i managed to

smack the fuck out of my forehead on this corner face the camera and that is a ridiculous it's like a big bump it would have been worse if i didn't like rub it right afterwards but i was like yeah so i'm drunk i'm trying to get under the covers and i don't even know how i got enough momentum to like smash my head that hard but now there's like also a cut you must have been like aggressively cuddling down i i was i was like how did i do that i have no clue i was down there last night i texted that night i texted lit well i mean like does anything ever make sense when we've been drinking you know like sometimes like i let a 23 year old rub my back on saturday but i went down to that that guest room yesterday to try to figure out like do some like investigative like monk work

like how did she manage to do this because nobody would believe if you would have knocked yourself out and died i would have been charged with murder because there's no way that you would have done that like she smacked her head it doesn't make any sense it would look like blunt force trauma yeah you hit your head really hard there's i you had to have been really far down on the bed because that window is not a risk i don't even know how it is not to do that i it was dark too well lights were off at that point yeah dark and alcohol are not a good mix no i'm sorry about your head it's okay thank you it was a good night though yeah i had a lot of fun it was a blast it was kind of one of those nights where like we went into it not really knowing what to expect but liz

wore all my clothes which was an honor and a privilege yeah um amelia and our friend sarah dressed me up they styled me which was so fun for me i felt like i was actually fun yeah i i enjoyed being um styled yeah being styled there needs to be a place that is not a bunch of like 22 23 year old men dude i know it's because so that bar is has been inundated with frat boys because their normal watering hole has been closed for renovations it's not opening until next month so like all of them what's their watering hole what's oh no ranch oh pono ranch and like kangaroo and kiwi and um oh my god the fucking country bar that's right next to it who knows but anyway those are like packed with people now so i feel like all the overflow is going to

kings so it's been a bunch of kids um yeah i mean it's normally kind of like a crowd like anytime we go there something weird happens yeah but it's always a good story that's true um i just i wish there was like a like a high class place where it's just like rich guys who are like our age and then they're like send them a drink from me yeah and then we don't even have to talk to them see that's like it's it's so tough in seattle because like the kinds of guys that would do that are like in places like where all of like the amazon tech bros hang out and they're all like a little weird i was gonna say skeezy but weird is probably i was thinking socially inept that as well do do men actually do that ever what send just send a drink and like somebody sent me a

drink like hey yeah and then that's it yeah but they always kind of the expectation is that you eventually go and talk to them like so there is like an obligation if you accept the drink i i just keep thinking about this scene in the office where like this basketball team of women um they're they're like super tall and dwight is like how did you all meet each other and they're like we're a basketball team woo and then he's like amazons that's exciting and then they like go they go into the club with these women they have to like pair up because uh they won't let a group of dudes come in so they like have two of the basketball women with each of the guys and they walk in and then one of the women sends dwight a drink or maybe like the group of women

sends him a drink as like a thank you and he takes it and he looks at them and he pours it out oh my god he's like you don't know what's in there oh my god it's those dwight shit i've ever heard and then they look at him like what the fuck is wrong with you and he's like nice try that is so There are so many Andrew Tate quotes that I feel like I could, like, do a series of, like, did Dwight Schrute say it or did Andrew Tate say it? There are so many of them. Just, like, some weird. Yeah. Only the non-misogynistic ones.

Right. Yeah. Because Dwight is actually very sweet. There was one that was, like, what he said, like, my sheer. Oh, my God. um he uses like big word and my indefatigability makes me a worthy opponent in any task like he says shit like that like all the time that's just like andrew tate yeah that does sound like something dwight would say so i feel like i could start a whole series but i don't want to get

killed you know because they'll do that like i absorbed my twin in the womb so now i have the strength of a grown man and a little baby is that something dwight said yeah it sounds like something andrew tate would say see what i mean of a grown man and a little baby that's so fucking funny and a fetus uh anyways um that is actually not the andrew tate thing but the um the fetus our the fetus thing no the um our weekend and being approached leads into one of my um talking tits talk those tits breaking boobs on the topic of being approached in bars there is this new thing that is dropping this new item that people can wear it's a ring to signal that they're okay with being approached in public it's like this green it's called i'm

pretty sure the company's called pear like the fruit and then it has like a little circle like a little like fahrenheit symbol um but it's it's like a a dog whistle that they're okay to be approached in public how the fuck are men gonna get this notification you know they're just gonna see it no but how are they gonna receive the information that that's something that they should be looking for i think you know i think that they're relying on it spreading enough on social media here's the thing i don't think that a normal man will give a fuck enough to be aware of that like think about mr liz he would have no fucking idea he'd be like that's weird uh-huh because he's never on social media that's the thing i think they're relying so much on word

of mouth and social media um he gets all he would be an old man if he was not dating me because he gets all of his information current information from me yes and that is both my blessing and my curse well you know yeah i mean i would i would count that as a blessing i love you know what i think it might be a curse because how much more peace would he probably have if he just did all of this i would have so much more for him it's a curse for me as well i would like to know less about what's happening on the internet i see what you're saying i was thinking from the perspective of like i would love to be dating someone that just was blissfully unaware i want to be i want to be that person i do too i want to be blissfully unaware i

just love the idea of just being able to check out you know just like oh this guy doesn't give a fuck about this shit that everybody else is giving a fuck about that is so trivial i love that uh-huh bless his heart but it's interesting that you say what you just said because i was just talking to my therapist about this because i was talking about how people are like abandoning dating apps like they're just like just jaded and she was like well what are the options and i brought up this ring and she was like that removes so much agency for people because like if somebody comes up to you in a bar because you're wearing this ring and you're not interested you don't know what they're like but also if you're not interested like you can't be like

oh sorry i'm just like hanging out with my friends tonight or like i have a boyfriend like you can't use the excuses that you normally use to like let someone down easy because you're wearing this ring that says talk to me so like if somebody you're not interested in comes and talks to you but it removes all of the power that you have to be able to use all these excuses that you normally would when you're wearing the ring so like somebody like i was thinking about it in terms of those guys that came up and talked to us at kings like like i wanted i love being talked to i just like it's like a good ego boost you know if they're being respectful that's great but like i can't if you ditch them and you're wearing this ring that makes them sad because it's like oh they

wanted to be talking to someone and they just don't like me you know what i mean yeah but also she was bringing up the other side of that where like men might like disrespect it and be like whoa like you why are you even fucking wearing this ring right like if you didn't want to be like hey hey bitch what's up you know like the expectation is different like they made different color rings for different things like it would be i mean i think the ring thing would work in like an ideal world where people are respectful of each other's boundaries yes and that's just not the case no so many other things have to happen before that can be a thing because like in theory like on paper i love the idea i'm like oh that's kind of cool it's like a little signal but then like in practice

it's like oh fuck like people humans are still humans the dating app thing is interesting too but i think it makes sense why people are sick of dating apps and like abandoning them because you kind of have like choice overload yeah you know yeah if you like don't like one small thing you can just be like no that's another thing i was talking about with my therapist today yeah it's just like you just pass on to the next thing she was saying that like you know people in marriage have to like you know get used to these things that they dislike about someone that they're with because they like you know got older and like snore now you know they like have to like learn how to push past it and that kind of thing is like trickling down to like less serious

relationships where like people are you know like kind of pushing away things that they like could normally just like get used to because it's like easy to just pass on to the next person because there's just so many so there's so many options but also none which is the issue that i am having right now i'm um sick of dating yeah i don't i don't blame you the other talking tits that i have for today is um they're they released a study it's not really a study it's just like an article they talked to a couple professionals about how many times a week healthy couples are having or how many times how often healthy couples are having sex and like the sweet spot apparently is a week once a week interesting to me it's different couple to couple obviously what what

makes it interesting to you because that feels like a lot like it kind of does yeah like and i'm sure people are listening to this like what the fuck that that's a lot to you yeah but once you're in a relationship with someone for a while that just seems like a lot of work yeah well you're also like you're meeting each other's needs in different ways you're connecting in different ways where like you don't really feel like that's the priority right and it's so much more exciting when you first start dating you know i don't know you want to be having sex like all the time yeah i don't know why that is but the longer you're with someone the more comfortable you are and the less that feels like something that you need right the article also says like

obviously that's like it's different couple to couple but it's been interesting like the different professionals that they talk to both said the same thing without even like talking to each other first which i thought was interesting that it's like the sweet spot is once a week but yeah it does it does feel like a lot we have a friend who it does like twice to twice a week yeah and then it used to be more than that and i'm like how how does it not get boring is my question that's true and i guess i don't have sex because i want it to be interesting oh for those of you listening at home gaspy just gave amelia a little lick on her hand i'm holding his paw because his claws are sharp well what does the article say anything else like about like oh

they they plan it or something um let me see because really how are they accomplishing once a week this whole article is like just keeps repeating also like if people have kids i feel like that seems like a lot to try and fit in yeah that's true what defines a healthy couple this is a news week one of my favorite publications because they wrote an article about me hey that i think that's a great reason one that i i actually got interviewed on i keep finding these articles that i had no idea were being written i don't like that i can't remember why i looked up your name recently and one of the one of the things that popped up was like an article that was like woman is humiliated on date dude i know i know that's a stretch i started getting um

google alerts for that when that video blew up which was like my least interesting video i've ever had it just like the uk loved it i think it's a good story thank you i mean it's like a you know i just thank you i'll accept that and i won't say anything else um all right so a 2017 study published in the archives of sexual behavior found that americans whether partnered or not have sex once a week on average however researchers noted a decline in sexual frequency with people in their 20s having sex less often than people aged 75 and older even those who are coupled up interesting i wonder how much of that has to do with porn oh yeah because i know we've talked about this before but just the idea that you can like before um people are even like old enough

or get to a point in their relationships where they are having sex they are able to consume what it looks like from an unrealistic perspective at a very young age yeah so yeah and that like porn addiction is more rampant than ever so right i mean yeah it's so accessible yeah it's interesting it is really interesting well it's like also like a i don't know i i'm on both sides of like sex work but then also like the day i don't know understanding the dangers of porn because you have to be like a really sound mind to like watch porn and not think it's real like realistic and i also think that it creates like a thought process for men where because it is made for consumption and not for connection it just emphasizes

objectification of women so like it feels emotionally conflicting when you have such a loving relationship with a woman that you're unable to see them as a sexual being yeah like specifically a person you have a connection with yeah so yep i think that's probably it probably plays a role i'm sure it does and i think you know men not having to experience like the same sort of oppression of the patriarchy that women do they're not going to have as easy of a time understanding that like porn isn't real and sex is not only for male pleasure yeah i don't know i mean that's a perfect segue into the next part of this article oh look at you go thank you like should be a researcher in this study um so this they say researchers have also discovered that

for most partnerships happiness levels didn't increase past weekly weekly sex suggesting that quality is more important than quantity marcus believes that many people have unrealistic expectations marcus is one of the study hell yeah marcus scientists researchers markers hello markers i start talking about sex and i like get so excited marcus believes that many people have unrealistic expectations which can make it harder to get their sex lives back on track it doesn't have to be starry-eyed staring into their soul outrageous sex she said it's about allowing yourself to let your guard down and be vulnerable and to connect with somebody in a way you don't connect with anyone else once that's taken out of the relationship entirely it

has secondary impacts on the relationship it's common for couples to worry about a lack of sex but is there such thing as too much again if both people are happy with the amount of sex they're having and it's not getting in the way of other parts of their life then there's no such thing as too much sex hmm interesting the the article then talks about why couples stop having sex so if you want to read more about that we could read about here yeah i think we should that's also very interesting so they say there are several reasons why couples might stop having sex obviously from contrasting libidos to lifestyle factors such as stress at work and child care often it's about things changing in life and not knowing how to handle it marcus said couples can almost get out

of the habit and sex stops being in your repertoire marcus said that when many couples drop below the once every other week point cracks can start to show in their relationship not every couple of course she reiterates but many start having issues such as showing less kindness and more irritation they feel less like a team and more like roommates and over time they feel uncomfortable having sex with that person marcus said the stress of everyday life is the main reason modern couples stop having sex but most people need to retain that connection we're pulled in so many directions that unless you consciously make an effort sex just isn't going to happen interesting and then they talk about whether or not you should schedule sex which is another thing that you said yeah

list t-ball damn it's like i wrote this myself like did you do research before or did you cheat on this test am i secretly marcus what the fuck yeah she's like the hannah montana of sex research she puts on a blonde wig she's marcus that's me marcus said that once couples have found a sexual routine that works for them it's easier to maintain likewise a bad sexual routine can be tough to escape from whether you've always been out of sync in the bedroom or it's a more recent issue there are ways to have the sex life you want if both partners are committed people say scheduling sex isn't easy but you know what really isn't easy not having sex said marcus damn a good sexual routine can sound dull and boring but it's a great jumping off point for

couples wanting to keep the sex alive in their relationship very interesting yeah because that there is a stigma with like you know scheduling sex being like not spontaneous enough yeah it's like not exciting yeah but it's like if that's what you need to get back on track then that's exciting in its own way and also i don't know it can still be exciting even if you like have to schedule it in my opinion also i like the thought that like it doesn't always need to be like deeply looking in their eyes or like some big show yeah some sex needs to be mid totally there was this like there's this time when before i started having sex but my friends had started they were like really up in arms about like when they would be having sex and it felt like they

were just having sex just to have sex and I always had in my mind like never have sex just to have sex like that's a good thing to have in your mind but also I love having sex just to have sex you know and it's interesting that like my perspective on that has changed over time you know like some people need to have that connection I think it's probably because you became more comfortable with your own sexuality yeah you know you were able to learn like what you enjoy and what makes you feel good so you are able to just like have sex for the fun of it because it should just be fun yeah it should be a fun way to connect with someone a way that you don't connect with anybody else totally so i like that a lot yeah i realized that i never told you

this one story about this guy that i dated in high school okay it's a short one okay but i want to get your thoughts on it because he popped into my head he's like a trump supporter now um which sucks we hate to see it and then also we kind of love to see it yeah i've been waiting for him to get arrested all fucking day oh my god i know maybe he'll be arrested by the end of the week that's my friend's office that that's arresting him he's been getting like voicemails from people like all day being like fuck you yeah oh god he's like i think my office is gonna get january 6th anyway so this guy he's like fallen off whatever he like blocked me on everything because like i don't support trump and also like that's hilarious i was supporting black lives matter and he's black

and like it really pissed him off but anyway um he can feel however he wants so he and i had a thing in high school and it was like on and off in high school like it was never really a thing we would like make out sometimes whatever but i like loved him he was so fucking cool to me he was a rapper and so i was like oh my god like a high school thing oh my god was he good yeah he's still good but i mean i mean i don't even know if he's still he works at like a corner store in seattle now he's not looking great i see him like smoking out on the street sometimes i'm just like god you poor thing smoking what who knows it's not just cigarettes it might be cigarettes it might be weed i can't tell oh smoking weed is you know better than cigarettes

yeah um but he um him and i reconnected right after high school so i was like it was like the summer going into college and it was this like big romantic reunion he was like telling me like how much he had liked me in high school and like how i've made such a huge impact on his life we like spent all this time together that day we went on like a walk on the train tracks and it was like a pretty day we like got coffee it was very romantic for the time and then i went home and found out that he had gotten another girl pregnant and wasn't talking to her what that day i found that out and i don't even remember how i pieced this together i don't know if she reached out to me or somebody was like you should talk to this girl because she's about to have his baby and

they were like they eventually got back they got together and like raised this child together they're not together anymore but he wasn't talking to her at the time and i confronted him about it because we just had this like big romantic reunion yeah and he yelled at me for getting in his business and then blocked me on everything okay well good because but isn't that wild yeah that's fucked up can you imagine an 18 year old finding this out like anyone getting pregnant at 18 feels like a huge fucking deal and i had just had this like big romantic reunion with this guy that i was like obsessed with and then he like has a baby on the way bonkers that that was shitty of him to do to you absolutely and then he's like stay out of my business and you're like

if this was even gonna be anything you should have led with that right like this has become my business yeah like you made it my business yeah it's my business by choosing to enter my life again right you are the one who chose to re-enter my life yeah so it's my business damn fucking idiot so his nickname is gonna be fucking idiot fucking idiot um but yeah i just thought of this on the way over here because I saw him when I was on the hill like a couple of weeks ago and I was like fuck I fucking forgot about him he has like three kids now he eventually unblocked me obviously now I'm re-blocked because I don't like Trump because you're not a Trumpy yeah um but yeah fucking wild and I feel like maybe that was a little more formative than I had thought that

it was at the time yeah that is a bit of a complex that is quite a story do you have anything you want to talk about um the only thing that i wanted to talk about is what i've already texted you about yesterday um so i tried a somatic like trauma release exercise um i had seen it like a couple of times but i like i saw a tiktok where someone was talking about um somatic therapy in general and then the search was like somatic exercise or something um and i clicked it and then i just watched the first video and i was like oh i've seen people doing this i'm gonna try it and that was the extent of my knowledge so i'm telling you guys this because please if you are curious about doing this please like do more research than i did

because um it can like trigger uh it can like trigger you emotionally and physically so like you'll feel the feelings you felt in the moment that you experienced like a certain trauma for me i didn't have any like uh emotions or physical experiences that brought me back to anything i think what i was experiencing was just like the general trauma that everybody has because trauma is defined as like anything that triggers your fight or flight that could be anything yeah that could be like almost getting into a car accident totally so um and if you've read the body keeps the score or know anything about it it just proves that your body holds on to trauma um until you find a way to release it so that's what these exercises focus on so

I was doing one of them and it's like one where you kind of like you are laying flat and your legs are up um and you start to kind of like butterfly your legs up and down and I like I didn't really feel anything for the first couple of times and then when I started to feel an area where my legs were shaking I just stayed there and then I lost like control of my body and I was just letting it do what it wanted so I had like tremors going through my legs and then I was like this is wild like I was trying to not have any judgment of myself because I went into it pretty skeptical I was like let's see if this even does anything um and which makes it even more interesting yeah and then I was like if it does work I need to be aware that like I might have some feelings

like I've gone through enough therapy that I know like somewhat what to expect but if someone who isn't in therapy is trying this stuff like it could be really upsetting yeah so um yeah my legs were just like shaking and then like um my legs like needed to like stop I don't know they just wanted to be flat so I let them do that and then it started moving up to my arms and my hands so I'm laying flat and like my I looked like probably it was an exorcism like I looked possessed yeah and i was just like you know what i just need to let it happen i can't think about how fucking weird this is and um then i like it felt like it was moving up me so like my arms were like shaking and tremoring and then i just started like laughing hysterically and then i wanted to

hug myself so i was like holding myself and like laughing so hard that i started crying a little bit and I was like they weren't like tears of like sadness and yeah it was like I felt so like happy and joyous and like I was laughing so hard that I started crying and I was like damn that was so wild and then I took like a I took a break I thought I was done and then I was trying to text um you and Mr. Liz and my hands wanted to be like my hands started shaking again and I was like fuck okay so i laid back down this time on my bed and it was like that first one was just like opening the floodgates because the second like i don't know what to call it episode was so much more intense well like my legs were just like i don't know like flapping

like i was gonna fly away and then it moved like up my hips and like my lower back and my butt were like clenched so tight and i was like shaking and it went through my spine and then like i was shaking my head back and forth and i was like maybe maybe exorcist this is an exorcism like yeah what people think exorcisms are it's just your body releasing trauma damn i don't know it the devil is trauma it totally is trauma's the devil so whoa whoa so today i was just like a little like tired but yeah it felt so good that's so interesting it was insane from going up going from like not really thinking anything was gonna happen to having this like really large reaction from my understanding i don't think most people like have that big of a response i was

seeing that in the comments yeah i was just like i was like is this something that happens a lot to people i have no but it but it doesn't seem like it yeah so just had this like massive release but yeah if you are curious about it and you want to start doing it do it safely yeah and then also don't do it every day you're supposed to only do it twice a week i liz was telling me about this and she was like i'm doing more research about it and then i put my phone down and did it myself and when i came back to my phone i saw liz was like don't do it until you're ready to do it do a little bit of research i was like i just did it and i had a different experience than liz did my my experience with it was and again i went into it super skeptical because i was like i don't

like we'll see um because also like so many things can contribute to having like a reaction to anything yeah so i was like maybe she like neat you know what i mean i was like and but what are the odds of like everybody that's commenting that it's like working on like being in the same state of mind to have that reaction if it's not related to the thing that they're doing yeah because I was like am I making myself do this and I was not yeah like and you would know especially because you went into it skeptically and then so I did it and like you're supposed to do this movement five times at least is what it said and so in the first like one to three times I just like felt like crying and i wasn't sad about anything in particular and i was just like what the fuck

is this like what what like what's happening i just felt like i just like wanted to sob and then like by the fifth one i just felt like i had like released it it was so wild fucking weird yeah it was so weird i bet if you did let yourself cry yeah i wonder what would have happened yeah maybe you weren't ready for the floodgates maybe yeah i really i could have done it a second time my thing well so then i was like is this like normal because i was like what the fuck was that yeah i started looking on reddit and someone had posted that like they had a similar experience where they just had like all of these like convulsion episodes or yeah just a big convulsion episode and they started laughing and they were like the laughing doesn't surprise me because i

also laugh when i do emdr and i was like oh interesting it's interesting that like laughing is also like a stress release yeah thing i mean it makes sense because also people will like laugh just like in uncomfortable situations like they're like well because i started laughing because i was like this is this is actually so funny well that was like what my thoughts were i was like this is so weird that it's funny yeah and like i don't know the more i thought about it the harder i was laughing what a cool fucking thing to experience especially not expecting it to be a thing so i'm gonna keep trying it we'll see what happens but i don't know just like the level of um calm that i have today is so lovely yeah that's amazing thank god you were feeling

stressed yesterday too so that was like a good time for you to do that yeah very weird very bizarre timing i don't know it's yeah i don't being an adult and working is such a weird fucking experience i know i miss having summers off oh my god me too it was so pretty today y'all it really was summer it started out yucky yeah it did and then it got sunny it got sunny around like two you know what i did the other night what um you know how i was like i need to cover my on saturday we hung out on my roof mila's and sarah and um i like uncovered my little fire pit and I'm supposed to cover it back up after I'm done using it so that it doesn't rust but it was hot so I didn't do it and then I was too drunk to do it when I got home well I wasn't too drunk to

do it I just was too drunk to remember to do it that's the same thing yeah and I woke up on it was Monday morning at three in the morning and to rain and I was like I never covered it and so at three in the morning not wearing pants i went out into the rain on my roof and covered up your little cover on yep just put my little cover on pouring rain three in the morning i looked fucking nuts but you know i'm starting to think my neighbors are just going to just have to live with me doing strange things all the time because i'm like would they even were they even awake some of them have um ring cameras that are like everywhere like one of my neighbor has a ring camera on their roof that's weird yeah the ones that are always like paying

attention to what i'm doing are yeah but i also like i don't know if that feels like nosy as fuck yeah to be honest i know why would they put a ring camera on their rooftop deck no one can fucking get up there yeah who knows wow maybe it's like if they have a bird watching yeah maybe who knows but no there's no reason other than to like spy on your neighbors that's fucking weird that's objectively weird no pants on and um i'm trying to make friends with the neighborhood crows and um so like every day at noon i'm just like outside with like a bunch of strawberries in my hands just like talking to crows and um that's probably a weird experience from the outside well listen if they're gonna be i think it's weirder that they have cameras on their rooftop

deck to like watch what their other neighbors are doing on their rooftop decks than you wanting to befriend um animals of nature like that's true you're just trying to be a disney princess yeah for when the crows take over i'm not crazy you're crazy yeah okay so we are going to read a listener email and the title is just am i the asshole i already love it hey ladies first of all i'd like to say how amazing you both are and how much I value your podcast. Thank you. I've gotten countless book and article recommendations from you and lots of amazing advice. I won't gush too much because I've got a doozy of a story that I'd love your opinions on. So just to start with some background, I live with my best friend. We'll call her S. I moved in with her to help with bills and

give her as much support as possible after her husband passed away from COVID-19 about two years ago he was the sweetest most loving man i've ever met their relationship was unique and beautiful i hung out with them both on a regular basis and never once felt left out or like a third wheel after he passed she began dating a new guy that she met at a bar we both frequented he was truly the worst their relationship grew very quickly partially due to him love bombing the shit out of her he was a narcissist he cut her off and interrupted people constantly and he always had to be the best in the room nobody else in her life liked him and didn't hide it when their relationship ended after a little over a year she finally started to listen to her friends and

family and started realizing how off awful he truly was well now she started dating someone new they've been together for two months and he is at our house five to six nights a week i voiced my concerns to her about his character how he's cocky and love bombing how i don't trust him because he said something that upsets her like that he's still seeing other women and when he sees that she's upset he goes back on what he said and changes his narrative like oh i was dating other women but i'm not anymore yikes i've spoken with her so many times about him being at our house too much and that i never get to see her anymore because all of her time is spent with him her response is always something along the lines of we're so in love we just want to be together all

the time i don't think i'm being unreasonable to want some alone time with my best friend i've made it clear that i'm not comfortable when he's around and i don't think i can be myself around him it's made the dynamic in our house very hostile and uncomfortable anyways i don't like the guy and i've made that known my question for you is am i the asshole for wanting to spend more time with my friend and not have him at our house most nights of the week thanks so much for reading and i can't wait to hear from you keep doing an amazing job on the podcast i'm so proud of you both thank you that's such a sweet way to end i know what the fuck uh enough about us no let's keep going no i'm just kidding um yeah can you actually write us a follow-up letter um full of

explicit compliments for each of us yeah that are highly individualized what's your favorite thing about each of us from the top of our head down to our toes and our hearts um okay no i have thoughts because it's actually such a thing yeah um and she's in such a tough spot like yeah clearly her best friend is not giving herself the space she needs to grieve the loss of her husband which is probably by design even if it's subconscious yeah she she doesn't want to be alone yeah and she wants to feel intense love because she was with this loving man yeah for so long so that makes sense why she's kind of like trying to speed run these relationships and that's going to attract people who are narcissistic love bombers yeah

she's like the perfect target for people like that which fucking blows and i like i well okay so i'll start i don't think you're the asshole i think that you've watched her get hurt before and you're afraid about her getting hurt again and that's fair and like it's so much easier to see these things from the outside however it's so hard because it's like you want your friend to be doing something that makes her happy as she's grieving but sometimes like having to figure out the difference between like something that's a healthy way of healing and something that's like very clearly just a distraction it's like partially like not your responsibility and your responsibility as a best friend it's such a complicated scenario i've there have been so many

instances where at least i know for me personally that i've been dating someone who's just like very clearly not great and people will tell me like what the fuck are you doing but then also like my friends will have enough trust in me to know that like I'm gonna make a decision at the end of the day that's like good for me yeah but sometimes I'm not in a state of mind where I feel like I can make a good decision for myself like if I'm like really sad the people that I dated right out of my relationship were questionable like and that was because and I hadn't even dealt with a death like I was just I just went through heartbreak which was still awful but like you know you my mom calls it any port in a storm it's like you'll just kind of go

you'll find anywhere to kind of like shelter yourself from the pain your mom has some of the best little like she really does isms she really really does um yeah I also think like it's probably not gonna last with this guy you know um but i mean this this many problems this early on that's gonna be exhausting especially if it lasts over a year like the last one it's ridiculous but i also am feeling for the author because like it's also your home that's another aspect and she probably the best friend probably feels like well it's my home because she moved in with me to help me out so i can have my boyfriend over five to six nights a week yeah um but like you deserve to feel safe in your in your home as well because it is your home now yeah as well totally

and that's something she agreed to have when you moved in with her absolutely and um they should also like why can't they stay at his place sometimes i feel like i really feel like she's probably trying to recreate something that she can't and also he maybe doesn't want her out of his place because he's dating other people yeah i was gonna say he probably doesn't want her there because he's suspicious as fuck yeah i don't i mean i also don't like the sound of this guy but like i don't know it's there's nothing worse than seeing somebody that you love make decisions that are bad for them that you can't control i know you're smarter than this and i know you're better than this and I know you know you deserve better than this yeah like what part of you is driving

the bus right now and it's usually being driven by desperation like for lack of like a better umbrella term because like you're either desperate to like not feel sad you're desperate for distraction or you're just like desperate for connection and in all of the instances that I've ever personally made bad decisions on who I'm dating it's always always been out of desperation and like it sucks when you see somebody i don't know if your friend is in therapy but like somebody like self-soothing in a way that's like detrimental yeah it's gonna be harmful ultimately and like you know like when you're playing video games and like you like take damage and like your percentage goes down a bunch every time she gets hurt her damage is going to she's like

there's less in her tank too and like you know that as an outsider so it sucks it's like no stop dating these fucking idiots it's gonna get harder and harder every single time something ends with one of these dumb asses well if she's alone for too long she has to think about the loss of her husband so you're right it is a distraction but like people do things that hurt themselves when they're trying to avoid hard feelings yep and they have to come out at some point in some way yeah and yep it's god she's the the author is in such a tough spot i know i was just thinking i'm like there's not really any advice here it's just like no you're not the asshole you're in a really tough position i mean and i mean truly the only way i guess no i don't

want to give i don't want to give like bad or wrong or shitty advice because i was gonna say you have to like meet her with love but like you also live there you need to have boundaries so what is the middle ground you know yeah it's just like a lot of communication yeah i guess it's hard like to just be like listen i love you so much and i know that processing the loss of your husband is hard yeah but i also need you to like i don't know yeah not not be dating this fuckhead well that's also hard like she already knows he doesn't like her yeah it's like i i know that this person is in your life right now for a reason like you want them to be here for you and i'm always gonna support your happiness yeah and because you do have to be there for friends

even when you don't agree with what they're doing yeah which is hard yeah it blows yeah because it's like you can you can be team your friend's happiness and recognize too that like this isn't going to make them happy in the long run and that's tough and sometimes this is the decision they need to make to to learn something later on absolutely you know what i mean everything's a lesson or a blessing like sometimes you just like like all the things i've done that i regret i also wouldn't have all the things i like love and appreciate and i wouldn't have grown into someone I love if I hadn't gone through those experiences and learned from them totally so your friend is probably honestly in a dark spot yeah well yeah and understandably so like losing

a partner that is something that you can't just replace with a friendship you know so yeah that's that that's a really good point they do feel like they they fill different gaps in someone's life there's it's tough like when somebody's going through a breakup and like you feel like you can't be enough for them but it's just the reality of it like romantic relationships just fill different gaps yeah they know you in a more intimate way like differently yeah if that makes sense and i also think like it is if you approach it in like an understanding way of like listen i know you know i don't like this guy but if we take him out of the equation like let's say i do like him him still coming over five to six nights a week in a place that i also live

and he's like not paying rent yeah that's a lot yeah and like i i need to have a little bit more like peace in this home that we both live in and like time with you yeah i think that that's fair to ask for yeah like can we can we hang out one-on-one a little bit more because like i i love you so much and i value our friendship and i like don't i don't know yeah i think i'll always be here for you but i also want to like continue having a friendship with you it's it's a tough position to be in but it's possible to to like say these things and like like operate out of love which i know you're gonna do because like you clearly care a lot about this person and like you care enough to be like am I out of line for having my own emotions

about this like that shows how much you love her and I think like no matter how much like no matter how you communicate with her about it you're going to be able to like convey that you're operating out of love and like that'll come across and she knows you too I mean it might be a little like okay like frustrating to hear and she might be like a little peeved but as long as you're like I don't know like just like sure that you that you trust what you're saying and that it's coming from a good place then like yeah that's where change happens I always take time to be as to plan what I want to say I write it out too because um I don't know if everyone else operates like this but I prefer to write things out because then I'll think of the phrasing um that I want

to use when i'm writing but it doesn't always come out that way when i'm talking so if i write it out first and then i kind of like noodle on it a bit more and like how i want to approach it and make sure i'm still heard while being respectful of the other person's feelings um then i feel more confident and comfortable approaching whoever it is about how i'm feeling about something because I will have already thought about it and I also I gave this advice to Mr. Liz actually because I always tell him that like how I react or how I feel about something that you're telling me is my responsibility like that doesn't mean say whatever the fuck you want yeah and then like I just have to deal with it it's just like if you're being considerate and you're saying your truth

with love and compassion and if they're still hurt by that despite like you coming forward with a lot of empathy then that's on them yeah yeah and um I told him like if you know that you like want to avoid feeling badly think about the type of reaction you do want and then think of what steps you can take to get there because like if you want your friend to respond with love and empathy then you also need to have that when you're talking to them yeah totally which seems so obvious but sometimes to men it is not no yeah i mean right it's yeah no that's that's something that's really saved me in all my like interpersonal relationships really is like because i was always spending so much time worrying about how what i was saying was being like how how it was being

perceived yeah when in reality dislike me even though i like really need to set this boundary and like if i said something that was like just out of love you know not even like tough love but just like i say something that like isn't meant to be taken a type of way and like i'm comfortable in how i said it like that if they're upset at me and i genuinely feel comfortable in how i conveyed it then that's not my responsibility at that point unless i like you know there was an instead what did i was just thinking about this um i had said something yeah what was it um i was like i was like i can't believe that he dated this person oh yeah and then Amelia was like well you dated like this ex who also sucked and I was like oh that's true and the

way I took it was just like oh yeah I guess we do have to date shitty people before we like figure out what we want right which is how I meant it yeah yeah and then I was like fucking ruminating once I like left I was like okay I think that's so funny like am I just tired and that's why I'm feeling anxious about how I said this or do I do I not actually like how I said this thing and it turned out I just like didn't like how I said it so I was like I'm just gonna clear it up so I don't have to like bother myself about it more i like yeah i fully did not yeah so she she amelia texted me like i'm so sorry when i said this like i i hope you didn't take it the wrong way and i was like i forgot you even said that yeah okay cool because i've been stressing about it for the past

two hours texting me and i'm at home just like probably smoking weed yeah it's fine man smoking weed land on the couch like oh i forgot about that and also you were right so yeah it was true as fuck that's also you know why we have a a good dynamic yeah true on this podcast that's very very true that's very true yeah our our vibes tend to our literal vibrations tend to balance each other out sometimes mine are high sometimes yours are high but i feel like whenever one of ours is high the other person's is lower amelia's advice when i am like strung out on anxiety about something is so fucking good really yeah i love that advice is so good oh my god because you're like my advice shaman whenever i need help with like anything oh my god of course i'm so flattered

you were like my my person my go-to person for like interpersonal relationship just like gut checks oh you know what i mean and that's pretty dope we're not faking it on this i saw a friend this weekend and she was like hanging out with you is like my therapy before therapy i love that i just like i just love my people and i like love hearing about their lives and i like when they confided me and like because um i don't know i i this is the kind of shit i care about obviously like it's uh what makes me happy yeah which sounds weird totally no but i get what you're saying i don't think it sounds weird i love hearing about interpersonal relationships but you also like you care a lot about your people like you're saying and that's like as you get older i think like

people confiding in you starts to count for a lot more yeah because it's just like oh well and then when yet when you're in your early 20s or something you're also just like uh when someone is trying to confide in you maybe that's not how they're like approaching it and that's not how either of you are aware of it and then you're like just giving them your unsolicited advice which is also probably bad because you don't have very many life experiences at that age right and then they'll do whatever they want to do which is not your advice and then you'll be like well don't fucking come to me for advice again yep and then that's just gonna alienate them when they are in a place where they actually need help it's a vicious fucking cycle but luckily we're all fucking

stupid in our 20s so they probably won't remember it that way exactly i've talked to my friends about stuff like that i'm like i feel like i was such a bad friend when we were in college and then they're like i feel like i was a bad friend i was like you were an amazing friend and they're like you were a good friend too and then i'm like maybe we're just like so self-centered at that age that you aren't really paying attention to when someone else is doing something shitty that's so fucking true because you're just like whatever i'm in love with this fucking idiot with no job and no degree who did you date with no degree oh just i mean in college nobody has their degree yet yeah well he dropped out and then i told you this he dropped out he lived on campus

and also did not have a job i forgot about i was like yeah drop out if this isn't right for you but also like do you need to be doing something yeah and what he did was just like stay up until 4 a.m and take adderall and that is very college it's so unattractive yeah it's very uh 21 year old behavior it really is god i'm so happy that's not us anymore me too oh my god you know what uh julia fox said it best your 20s are the trenches it's so true you're still you're still in your 20s you're on the tail end it is the trenches are you stoked to be 30 no no no i talk about in therapy every week i want everyone to be stoked to be 30 i know i want to be stoked to be 30 i think once i turn 30 i'll be fine i think it's getting over the hump that's like a lot for

me right now it's just like you know society isn't kind to women aging I think anytime I get any older when I turned 29 I was like fuck like every year I'm like but now I have this milestone of 30 that I'm just like I just so much of my 20s sucked ass that I was like I want to be fucking done with this chapter of my life there are some things that I'm kind of sad to be closing the chapter on you know what I mean like and it's I need to just not treat it as different lives well it does feel weird like as a woman in your 30s because like the stigma is so much different than you versus men i'm thinking about like when i was like 27 i went on a date with a guy who was like 33 and he like still had a fucking roommate he had no decorations on his wall his sheets were navy

blue like just a walking red flag of a man and he didn't have his shit together i had my shit together more than he did and then i'm just thinking about like me at 31 now like someone would like look at me and be like why aren't you married with kids you're an old woman it's insane i know it's it's so weird this man was 33 and people are like he's starting his life yeah he's being responsible that he has a roommate and then i've i've talked to both my brother and mr liz about like them turning 30 i'm like uh you should do this for your 30th birthday and they're like i haven't even fucking thought about turning 30 what the fuck i spent so much goddamn time i know i felt weird when i turned 31 actually i don't know why you're saying that yeah

because 30 was just like i made it yeah hooray yeah that's interesting 25 was really fucking tough for me that was probably the hardest year so far yeah 25 25 was ugly yeah just turning 25 I was like oh fuck I'm gonna be 25 and 26 were like not a good time for me yeah I mean same I would fuck I was going through so much shit at that time and then 27 I think I had the most fun at 28 really I had a fucking blast at 28 I love that I think what my most fun year was so much fun at 21 best fucking time in my life at 21 fuck yeah oh my god I was like I was working as a waitress so i always had cash on me and i was just like balling at these college bars where drinks are one dollar and i'm tipping a hundred percent oh my god two dollars yeah yeah keep the

change i just remember like getting drunk sometimes and being like ten dollars ten dollar tip because i can you're worth it one server to another you've earned it um and then uh yeah 28 because you're like finally like making a more livable wage it's still not great but it's way better than it was before honest work and i just had so much fun because i was like just in the peak of liz like like that's when i had my birthday on the on the bus oh my god that was the party bus yeah you were in like a prime yeah i feel like fresh out of relationship like once you get over the initial sadness hump is always like the fucking best yeah well you I don't know about you but I also had to have like a I had to have that boyfriend that you used to get over the past relationship oh yeah

and then I I was like huh I I think I just wanted something to work so badly and it not be like my fault that the relationship ends wow you know what I mean yeah and then when I realized like we're just not right for each other like yeah both of us can be both of us can be great people in our own way and still not be like a good like right for each other yeah that that devolved real quickly it really did anyway should we wrap yeah we've been talking for so long first of all so sorry uh that we rambled for quite a while um and i hope that our advice was helpful we've been talking about this for a minute hopefully you can hopefully some of it's helpful it i think i think so good advice it might be a little vague but like something like this is not going to have a clear

yeah answer because you know we don't know either of these people so we can't get a sense of how they might respond to something totally but also fuck that guy yeah he'll be out he'll be out hopefully sooner rather than later that's the holy word yeah what we're gonna like meditate on him exiting he's a new enemy of the pod so enemy of the pod he's a nickname uh can i call him navy sheets because of the guy that you dated i feel like that's a big ick yeah yeah navy sheets it is an ick they show all the stains so anyway navy sheets is the new enemy of the pod you heard it here first go fuck yourself all right well thanks for listening we you added a new line to the song your face was so shocked i was trying to join it we love you

our children i'll wrap them that was sloppy that was probably the worst one yet yeah we're just gonna try and get worse each time yeah that's a good goal i wonder how many people cut it off before we do the singing you should look at our analytics and see if people just stop