The Hoely Hour - E132 Gonzo D*ck

Episode Date: April 14, 2023

Every kiss begins with timeless pussy. Amelia names the top 10 best adult film titles, and Liz advertises being a poster child for therapy. What have been your biggest icks? Because we have more than a few.Use code HOELY at checkout at https://www.adameve.com/ for 50% off! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

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$15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. New customer offer for initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. me slow when network is busy see terms i used to do this thing where i would invite guys over to make cookies with me oh my god that was my move welcome to the holy hour a podcast about sex relationships mental health and everything in between i'm amelia samson and i'm liz ball follow us on instagram and tiktok at the holy hour i'm on instagram and tiktok at amelia samson and i'm on instagram and tiktok at liz ball so hard you can also watch us on youtube or listen ad free on patreon at patreon.com slash the holy hour check out our merch at the holy hour.com and

email us your spicy stories at holy hour podcast at gmail.com welcome back to another episode oh of cribs of mtv cribs what's up mt this is where the magic happens they would always say that and i never knew what it meant they're talking about sex in case i mean i would easily be talking about sleep i i like that when we posted the andrew tate dwight shrewd compilation uh someone commented on my crotch who um and then like i just feel like i should be allowed to man spread absolutely i want you've earned it and they implied that i had a penis and i'm disappointed to report that i do not right um if i had a penis i would use it to my advantage right life would be a lot different for you i'm sure yeah so starting with helicoptering it around which i've heard is

painful but i still would need to it's hilarious it's objectively very funny i dated a guy that used to do a mangina all the time where he would stick his dick he would like talk really far but like he would tuck it so far and close his legs so tight that he had like a vagina that was like it was like it looked like he had a vagina i would definitely do that if i had a penis it was just just to experiment him and his friends would just like get naked and do that with each other all the time that's a little gay a little you're reminding me like when i first when iphones first got slow motion on them uh yeah i'm so scared me and me and my ex like uh filmed each other like he he was like uh shaking his dick back and forth and we filmed it in slow motion and then

we filmed me like jumping up and down with my shirt off oh just to see what it looks like very funny it actually was that's hilarious yeah that was one of the few times i didn't hate being with him i mean that's a solid memory yeah is it weird i don't remember what is i don't remember what anyone's penis looks like you know you've seen one you've seen them all yeah it's true i only remember one person's penis specifically because it was shaped like a hook oh my god yeah why when it was hard it would just kind of oh it was like a curve yeah interesting yeah i feel like that's like a source of pride for a lot of people with penises a hook penis yeah when they have like a penis that like curves off to one side i've like heard it in rap songs not to one side it curves

like fully downward right but that's like i just like the the line is like curve like curving off to the side but it looks like a muppet's nose it's like gonzo yeah oh god he's a gonzo dick that's incredible which ex was it that i didn't date that guy oh it's just someone you hooked up with him gonzo dick that's his new nickname his new dick name i think he would love that honestly he's a very fun guy i can't believe we had sex it was definitely like a drunk decision who is have you talked to have i joined probably not no huh can we play this game oh yeah okay i came up with the game and it's the dumbest thing in the world we're just we've been really on the game kick yeah we have hey wait i came up before we dive in that just reminded me i have

i came up with another pussy so oh i was thinking about this when i was driving yesterday and i was like bar you're like alexa write this down yeah that's exactly right hi that's it alexa no sorry i forgot you had one because i have a google whenever people even say like the name in public i'm like i'm always so aware of her whenever anybody like there's one of the kardashians have a friend named alexis and she always lights up whenever they say her name on tv okay um so here's here's my here's my bar pussy like a diamond bitch it's timeless oh k jewelers is gonna call you and hit you up for that they were like we need a new slogan we're beyond kissing at this point every kiss begins with timeless pussy

okay jewelers name one pussy that isn't timeless you know i can't pussy and diamonds are timeless yeah they are by by default yeah you have you have a diamond timeless when someone says that they think like someone's vagina is loose you immediately know they're an idiot you immediately know they've never once seen a vagina you have never even felt a vagina i can guarantee have not been in a vagina since you left one it's a jay cole line oh i love that you haven't been in a vagina since you left one amazing okay here's my game okay i'm excited last night when i was with the guy that i'm dating who his nickname he's he's earned a nickname he's such a good fucking guy he's earned a nickname i know that's not the criteria but it is now did you earn a

nickname yeah that's gonna be that's gonna be my new criteria because you know there's too many i think mr liz is too comfortable i need to scare him yeah give him a new nickname he's not listening so it's fine call him i should call him like my side hoe i was about to say like side bitch that's so funny that you said that side bitch yeah okay that's what i'm gonna call him just to keep him just to keep him on his toes yeah absolutely keep him on his hose no no no no i'm keeping me on my hose preach okay so when i was with the the guy who i'm i'm going to call him frank he knows why i know why liz knows why but i will give no more context so his name's his name's frank we were talking last night about how descriptive porn titles are they're like hot

like 90 pound like teenage barely legal blonde blows her teeth you know what i mean like it's just like too many descriptors yeah and so i was like why haven't we read doing like seo for right because i thought that must be why but um i was like we've never read porn titles on this show so i went looking on porn hub and i couldn't find any obviously they were all like really boring titles so i looked up the funniest porn titles of all time i love this there are 10 of them so here's the game i'm going to read them one by one and you're going to rank them one to ten based on what you would watch okay without knowing what's coming next okay and so one is the one that i would watch the most the most ten is like stay far away okay okay all right

then i'm trying to think like i'm gonna have to write down the numbers when i did watch porn what was what were the titles you don't watch porn anymore no i told you that what do you masturbate to memory no just imagining what i would like to do and that honestly that that works for me 90 of the time the only time i would watch porn is just if i didn't have anything new material yeah i didn't i was running out of ideas i needed it for inspiration poor inspiration what a time to be alive good for you i aspire to be that one day okay all right ready yes scooby doomy it is gonna be so hard for me to not say one immediately scooby doomy yeah like scoob

that's a big dog jinkies i fucking love doing scooby-doo oh my god oh my god i will regularly like say something to to my side hoe in my shaggy voice like scoop i don't know about that that's so fucking funny i want a solid first one to start with i have no idea okay i'm gonna go with oh man i'm gonna go with number two just so i can keep that one spot okay i can't i can't go just blow my one that quickly you can't blow blow your load that quickly okay scoob is number two all right men and black men men in black men yep like play on men in black

i think it might go with oh i'm like because have you watched gay porn and and where where does gay porn usually fall for you you know i have to be in like a very like specific mood yeah to be like i want to watch gay porn yeah between men it's not very often for me i think i might go six okay yeah solid call men in black six okay the passion to christ's second coming c-u-m-m-i-n-g i love that it's sacrilegious but then i also think religion is boring word so

i'm gonna go you said there's 10 i'm gonna go nine solid choice christ okay okay this is you're doing you're doing well okay good well done so we have two six and nine taken next one moby dick to the revenge of the semen that's a double a double double entendre i'm gonna go with 10 because i also think just like the the plot of moby dick has never really been interesting to me truly no so i just i don't care for it i don't care for it you know that's fair so it's gonna take the 10 spot and i feel good about that okay okay cool good call porks and recreation oh my god holy shit does that need to be number one it's up to you oh my god i think

porks and recreation i love that i love the regular show so i know so you might love the you might love the porno i'm gonna go with number one nice that would be i'm also thinking about that character in parks and recreation who is a porn star and she always compares herself to leslie she's like leslie and i are women in the world i don't know something like that and leslie's like no no no don't let me in with that's really funny okay accidental anal boring yeah very boring uh eight i guess okay the rapper destroyed my crapper um seven okay wow you're getting you're really holding on to these three four and five spots

rapper okay game of bones oh my god three nice oh my god i would watch the shit out of that game of game of bones okay i need to see that dude where's my dildo dude where's my dildo five nice this last one better be fucking good for worthy yeah okay this is actually my favorite okay yokiero taco smell okay i'd say that's for worthy okay yeah great yeah so my only honestly i wish i did put um scooby dooby as number one mm-hmm that's i figured you would feel that i would you would feel that way okay came in so strong so here here's where we netted out number one porks and recreation number two scooby doomy number three game of bones number four yokiro taco smell it's a little concerning it's so

fucking funny yeah i don't know who knows i want taco smell yep but it's yokiro taco bell is the yeah that's so funny to me can you imagine the little chihuahua it i mean that kind of makes it a little fucked okay um number five dude where's my dildo number six men and black men number seven the rapper destroyed my crapper eight accidental anal nine passion two christ second coming and number 10 moby dick to the revenge of the semen i feel good about that me too you did a good job i'm i'm realizing i'm really one for puns yeah you are yeah yeah these are all the top slots are all puns they are indeed yeah you're right well done i'm thrilled with how that went that's an amazing game i was crying reading these the first few the um no no

no the porks and recreation accidental anal the rapper destroyed my crapper game of bones and dude where's my dildo were like the top five like porn stars favorite titles oh interesting um that they just like interviewed some porn stars and that's what they said like which ones do you like yeah interesting and then um i think the other ones were yokiro taco smell was definitely one that i just found on the internet i like i kind of want to watch these out of curiosity i want don't watch scooby-doo me like me too what could that be have you seen um zach and mary make a porno um that's just what it's making me think of oh it's uh fuck i'm forgetting every all that elizabeth banks and seth rogan are the leads oh that's right yeah that was like a moment when

that came out i remember watching it with one of my friends and she's like you remind me of the girl the girl who plays miri like her like her personality like was that a compliment i don't know maybe i think it's because i would always have a crush on someone who did not have a crush on me but in my defense it's because they were gay well that's not your fault i liked a lot of gay guys that's nobody's fault it's their fault for being so great my gaydar was terrible in high school yeah well my mom was like they're so gay your friends are gay elizabeth you are in theater she probably didn't tell me because she was just like she was just like if my daughter wants to have a crush on this gay guy

perfect yeah that's that is that absolves me of so many problems best case scenario yeah i bet your dad would have been thrilled too if you knew he probably did he's probably like i don't care oh my mom my dad always i think it was a joke but who actually knows was just always like hoping that i was a lesbian because like he just like knew how boys were like he knew how he was when like he was the age when i started dating and he was just like stay just don't the thoughts that they have are impure just date women it's like dad i don't think that it works that way i'm not 100 sure because i'm 12 but i'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way uh how old were you when you had your first date ever my first date oh my god uh that is a great question maybe

fuck because i feel like a lot of the time i would just like go in like a group setting you know you go to a movie and you like trans that by the person that you have a crush on and then there's always like some annoying friend who's like has a crush on everybody and it's like i want to sit next to the guy that you like yes i liked him first i hate that shit there's always let him decide who he likes okay yeah because it's not you but then at that very young age we knew that men can't make decisions that's somewhere deep down inside of us um no it was me she had a crush on everybody you can't just you can't just have a blanket crush on everyone and then no one gets to date the like two straight guys in theater okay yeah that's not that's not fair that's like

that can't work that way it's a power imbalance equal opportunity theater men dater yeah exactly the the options were slim pickin um but i think like my first like actual date where it was just the two of us i was probably like 16 17 oh wow yeah i i might i might be misremembering but i don't remember like hanging out with a boy alone like before that age i used to do this thing where i would invite guys over to make cookies with me oh my god that was my move do you want to come over and make cookies that's so funny and watch garden state oh what the move i'm not like other girls that's so funny i mean that's like what i do now when i like invite when i like want to date a guy i'm like do you want to come over and watch garden state and make cookies and it works

and i bag them every time little liz was on here first you heard it here first that's so funny this is how to make a man fall in love with you it feels foolproof imo um i was 14 when i had my first date and it was yeah we went to the movie theater um i don't remember what we saw but it was because i was fucking blacking out the whole time because i was so nervous oh yeah i i went on a date with like my how old was i 13 14 one of those ages in the eighth grade v for vendetta came out and we snuck in to see that movie or is it pj13 i can't remember if we saw it legally then we definitely snuck in to see that movie um and he kept like we we both had our arm on the armrest and he kept like moving his arm like next to mine but wouldn't grab my hand he like

wanted you to grab it for sure yeah yeah he did he read that in like young men's health no one understood how much anxiety i had all of the time i was not going to hold his hand yeah dude no there was no way my first boyfriend my boyfriend and like you know like big air quotes who ended up i was his only girlfriend he came out like two years later but um we dated for like six months and never talked in person that's how it is yeah we just always talk on awol instant messenger i was 12 yeah you see each other in person and you're like yeah and my best friend was dating his best friend and they were always making out in the hallways there's always that couple it was like that was them that was them and then meanwhile i couldn't even hold my boyfriend's hand

we are similar in that way fucking oh yeah no me so the guy that i went on my first date with will was his name hello will if you're listening i don't know where he fell off i have no idea where he is sorry i'm just imagining being a teacher and like having to see students like making out in the hallway yeah i mean there were like big rules against it i would definitely keep like a water sprayer be like that's so funny clear out like i'd treat them like cats yeah hey knock it off stop that so spray them with a little sprayer that's funny inside we all have like a parent voice yeah hey that's so true and for me it's my dad my dad comes out and i'm like hey knock it off that's incredible my i have my mom's voice in me she always goes hey my mom was one of

she was one of these oh that's scarier that's fucking scarier she'll pinch you oh she'll be like you better stop oh my god god that's a low mad voice is 100 scary than a loud mad voice i was probably like such a demon child just like yeah you don't scare me yeah or what yeah do it send me to my room i'm going to throw shit everywhere is that what you would do yeah and i would scream and i would lay down on my back and like up against the door and i kick the door liz they had to replace the door when we moved why am i just hearing this for the first time oh we were like a little i was expecting like a little like like 13 year old oh no oh my god if i when i was like a teenager i would just like go blast music

you're gonna send me to my room oh my god little like demon child four-year-old did you have to get like an exorcism like how did you start did you just grow out of that um no god i didn't grow out of having a temper until i went to therapy oh there you go that's until i was a 27 year old adult woman that is a shining referral for therapy yeah my new therapist was like you've really come a long way then haven't you and i was like embarrassingly yeah we don't like to talk about her poster child for emotional progress that's incredible that's a good you should have a shirt that says that therapy poster child for you should try it emotional progress um what was i gonna say oh okay so i was thinking about your first date

yeah just but just no it's fine just now when i was thinking about my first date with will was his name um i don't remember the movie he kissed me outside of the movie theater it was my first kiss wasn't spin the bottle god yeah so it was mine uh but we were on a cruise ship so it's actually spin the wonky talky and i actually think that he is gay as well oh wow look at us we have little parallel lives just our first kisses are with gay guys yeah during spin the something spin yeah mine was spin the bottle in a hot tub and it was with a bunch of guys that i didn't know they were all like my friends in the bottle in a hot tub it's great question list was it a water bottle that floats on top yeah it was just like a little like when

it was like it had been like drank out of so it was all crushed up but it had been a pre-plan that we were gonna play spin the bottle it was just i don't know if it was just poor planning no they were like we have to do this in the hot tub yeah because that implies something yeah i'm sure that that was the case i don't even remember who it was that i first kissed not a clue i was groped in a hot tub what uh i was like 14 or 15 and they were playing nervous have you played that game yes where they like go higher and higher up your leg and then uh he just grabbed me i don't like that yeah me either who who was that um his name was anton and he didn't go to my high school what a piece of shit i know new enemy of the pod yeah anton that sounds like he's a ginger

and we don't like those his eyelashes were like you couldn't see them and he's one of those gingers dye your eyelashes fucking coward yeah i hope you don't suck anymore but i'm sure he does you certainly did gross when we were 14 i tell you i got eaten out in a hot tub yeah i don't know how i didn't waterboard that poor man i hope i have i had the same reaction when you did tell me that you did because that's an absurd thing to say well yeah how does that work did he drown he was kind of like like crocodileing it you know what i mean like he was like but his nose must have been above the waterline but how could you even feel anything it was about that was the first time i ever got eaten out and it was before i started shaving

which is like fine now but like at that age it was fucking mortifying i had like a full bush and it was just kind of like seaweeding in the water as he was eating me i remember i have such a clear memory of it it's so bad i mean him not caring is king shit truly but i mean like we were were so young he was a year older i think we were i was 16 he was 17 that's a good age joey and then he threatened to break my legs in college can i tell you that yeah that was the same guy like whatever you ate my full bush yeah i'm gonna tell all your friends this guy loves eating go ahead bush muncher the image of it

seaweed-ing is so funny just like seaweed-ing and then he's like crocodile-ing it it was a a full

like marine environment what was it any good i have no clue i had nothing to compare it to probably not it's like anxious probably not i recently told my friend whose hot tub it was that he had eaten me out in her hot tub like i told her like a year ago and she was like what the fuck how are you even able to be alone yeah they all went inside i don't know it was like he was like i'm gonna i need to do this right now

yeah he just like took we were like making out and he like took off my bottoms and he just like went to town and i was like okay damn yeah then we dry humped and watched caddyshack later that was pretty exciting sexual awakening being a teenager is so embarrassing now you're making me replay the first time i was eaten out oh god i was on my family was home we were upstairs like watching a movie and we were on like this old like faux leather green couch that my parents used to have it got absolutely destroyed by our cats but um yeah but my boyfriend at the time like was very like persistent he was like i really really really want to go down on you and i was like i'm scared yeah it was the best experience of my life what

Oh, it was good? Well, because I didn't know how to masturbate. Oh, oh. That makes sense. You're like, what? And then I figured it out after that. Yeah. I was like, huh.

This guy's on to something. Have you seen what he's been up to? Have you? Yeah. He's a weird guy now. Oh. He's like really into guns. Oh.

Yeah. And CrossFit. Oh. Yeah. wow he's like two types of bad dude in one i mean he's always he's always been very nice though so he might still be a nice guy just like i haven't seen him in like 10 years you know it's hard to say i hope he's a good guy but i think i'm a little jealous of people that do crossfit i'm not gonna lie i have this like crossfit hate i don't think you should be i feel like it's been

cross people who are really into crossfit are like fall into the same category as people who are really into keto yeah like it's been proven i've heard people who are into crossfit are way more annoying than vegans damn changed my mind controversial yet brave i like that you say that about things that i say that i feel like are the most like basic opinions you'll just say things that are so like basic hot takes maybe i'm just too chronically online so i think they're that these takes are normal i really wish we had a soundboard and we could have like a little controversial yet brave like that'll be my next step in uh elevating our podcast oh god bless you um i do want to read our x yes should we do that or do you want to do talking talking

will be shorter should we just slide that slip slide that out bang it out that's what i meant to say slide it in bang it slide it in bang it out all right so here is talking tits i was trying to think of something to add and i couldn't no i was also trying to add to it but it's just like that kind of did the job i think yeah i think so that was a full the full song grammy worthy talk those tits to me here's our breaking boobs for today um okay this is talk titty to me a surprisingly large number of species have the ability to swap their sex at some point in their lives that sounds fun this isn't this is a study that came out this week five percent of all species but 30 of non-insect species so like five percent

including insects but when you cut out insects it's 30 of all species do this that's a huge percent there are two types simultaneous hermaphrodites which are both male and female sexual traits at the same time and that's normally like worms and snails and like creatures like that and sequential hermaphrodites which switch which is like more widespread in fish and frog reptile species interesting yeah the ones that change their sexes are able to reproduce as either but their behavior changes before and after the sex change which i think is interesting um it's unclear why they do this but it may be different for each species they have theories like size advantage hypothesis which says that changing sex is favored in species that

reproduce more efficiently with one sex when they were younger and younger and smaller and more efficiently with the other sex when they're older and larger interesting fucking fascinating it's really fascinating i thought that was a really really interesting fun little study this is the one that i'm excited to talk about our second talking tits cannibalistic female spiders play dead during sex scientists have found that female spiders that usually eat males after sex choose to pretend to be dead for those they want to mate with the most so that they trust them enough to copulate which is strange they found because the males apparently know that they're faking being dead for a while they thought that the the male spiders were like releasing a chemical that

was like making them pass out but then they like did studies on their bodies like they would like die play dead and then they would like test the chemicals in their bodies and they found out they weren't actually they weren't actually asleep they were just pretending to be and it's a trust thing oh interesting i thought that was so fucking interesting and i love the idea that there are just female cannibals yeah and then they they just like wake up or they get up and then they're like yeah well yeah no they wake up and so these the male spiders only mate once so they only have one chance to like spread on their little spider seed and so like after they have sex they either rip off their heads like during sex yeah or their own head or the their mates they either like kill them

during sex or right afterward and eat them why do we know why they do that no i mean i'm sure they do but i don't know i want to know why yeah i want to know why too isn't that fascinating yeah i kind of love that like bad bitch energy you know i remember um uh j wow heard like little intro on jersey shore was like i'm like a praying mantis i will rip your head off i do remember that it's a really scary fun fact but it's kind of fun i like that there are just like these like boss bitch insects out there just fucking it up i thought that was really interesting i wonder wait so do the male spiders know they're gonna die they have to they have to yeah and i feel like farewell boys

yeah off to serve my country yeah i don't know i mean like the the reason they play dead apparently is so that the males trust them so they must like no i'm not gonna eat you come here look uh see i'm dead i'm dead so those were our um that's that's our sex news for the week that's fascinating talking tits um this little game i don't know if you want to call it a game but uh i thought it would be fun if we could list um the things that have given us the ick do we have time should be like a whole different episode definitely have time no i mean like oh you know this might go on for another hour i we can always come back you know the more the more we think about stuff i'm sure this is gonna

build out do you want to go one for one yeah how many do you have uh i have 20 holy shit liz i have five oh shit okay but i mean i'm probably gonna think of some as you're listing yours okay okay you go first uh all right um he how he would scrape the bowl to get any last bit of dessert oh i think i've talked about this before but it's the first thing that comes to mind when i'm like interesting you know what would ick me out about that is like the like the posture at which he scrapes out the dessert not the fact that he's doing it he'd like always have his pinky up and he'd be like like some men hold spoons like a fucking neanderthal like i don't have like they you know what i mean yeah like like fully shovel it like like the sims yeah the food's going

hunched over and like just seeing that shit i'm just like could you like not do that um okay this is a very specific one these are very specific things that have happened mine are very specific things that have happened um freaking out about one of his texts not delivering to me that was the first ick that i got with my bully my oh yeah he and not even like a oh no like what's gonna like he didn't like do that he was like well i don't know what the fuck to do like i don't know what like what do you want me to like i don't know what to do that was really weird chill the fuck out first of all it's not that big of a deal yeah it's fine what do you how do you react when something is a big deal exactly let's relax just take a deep breath do some yoga breaths

okay um he said he supported women's rights but he didn't want to be called a feminist was that shoe man no it was a it was a guy like i went on maybe two dates with from hinge ew with the one that lived in his truck no being upset that he didn't get to launch a firework because a kid wanted to i still think back on that day and i'm like it's just like we were at his grandma's house and there were like a bunch of kids there like lighting off fireworks and my he he like went up to go and like light a firework and a kid ran up and he was like can I do it and he was like okay and was like such a little like baby about it that was like I don't know I was just like it is embarrassing yeah it's just it was so

I got such an ick he was like kind of such like a little bitch about it I was just like I don't know like I'm still getting like cringy in my body thinking about it and I don't know why like there are worse icks but there was something about that that was so unattractive you were an adult man yeah you can light any firework this is a child fireworks yeah get another one dude yeah i don't know i don't like it or like help the kid it's lighting up but you just like light the fuse and run away it's so it was so gross to me okay okay i'm like there's fireworks going off no matter who lights it you fucking idiot i feel like i need to like take a shower after telling that story that's how uncomfortable i can't explain it i got the ick i get what you're

green uh he lived in his car not even like a cool adventure car oh no was he poor um he like moved out of his stepdad's house could he just because he didn't want like i think he got into a fight with his stepdad and he was like fine i'm leaving and then he lived in his car could like could he have gotten out of that situation he was just lazy yes i that's the ickiest thing laziness mega ick yeah he's like lazy like uh and then he's just kind of like aimless you know and i could excuse it if it was just like a being young thing you know you're like 18 19 yeah sure yeah live in your car i guess but then like figure your shit out by the time we were dating he was 28 oh yeah and he was still like wayward aimless stupid oh yeah no gross hate it

i was like how do i have my shit together more than you you're 24 i'm 24 and you're 28 i mean that's that's the case way too often i have health insurance and you don't what is going on yeah i know isn't that like yeah no dude i'd fucking yeah i get it um not cleaning his room knowing i'd be coming over yeah that would hate it frustrate me because it's just like just like shove all the shit in your closet or something you know what i mean just like tidy up but like just like clothes everywhere and like beds not made like my ex and i dated for eight years and every single time i came over he would clean his room before i came over that's a sweet thing i think that's cute it's so sweet and so i got used to that so when i started dating out of

the relationship i was like oh what the fuck is this that was where my expectations were set at eight years like that's a that's a lot of cleaning you know what i mean so anyway that was nick and still is my room's not always clean mine isn't either but like you know i got used to seeing now it's more so just kind of like if a dude doesn't clean his room yeah back then i was just like what i would say like you know if you're comfortable like together and your shit's not always clean then fine right but it's if it's like a first few dates clean your fucking room what right what kind of impression are you making yeah like i'm not gonna be your mom no so i'm immediately out and for that reason i'm out um my next one is he stood like an ipad kid

he totally did he stood like a fucking ipad kid honestly there was nothing more like gross than like seeing him like slanched over looking at his phone that's fucking he did that shit all that he was always on his phone i'm like your job your job is not that important yeah i have never met a single man whose job as a dev is that fucking important he said that that way he was looking at work stuff yeah and yeah just the way he was like his chin was touching his chest while he stared at his phone it's truly the pictures you've shown me are like so embarrassing of that stance really frayed old toothbrushes i i just want to know that doesn't give me the ick but i want to know like what men are doing to their toothbrush

because that always fucking happens or it's like yeah i've never gotten to the point where my toothbrush has ever gotten to that point and i think the reason that it's an ick is because like it must be super old for it to get like that i know what are you not all the time what are you guys doing i just brushing so hard like your gums are not gonna they don't like that i just want to understand this isn't even a shade thing what the fuck are you doing when you're brushing your teeth like why why um okay uh he would regularly fall asleep at bars like sitting up anytime we went out he would fall asleep sitting sitting at the bar like i'm a little jealous because i can't even fucking fall asleep in my bed you know so the fact that you can fall asleep with a bunch

of noise around you sitting straight up it's kind of embarrassing though it's embarrassing for sure but like a part of me is jealous i mean like can you stay up past like 10 30 please he's that's like grandpa energy bge um it happened constantly uh should i go to another one yeah well wait hold and i had just one just popped into my head like i don't even know how to word this because it's not really like like bad storytellers yes that like they like make everybody like like oh i got this store and then like it ends and everyone's like okay like what what's the climax here yeah and it took like forever to get there oh my god it's just like and i think the reason is because like i love dating someone that i can bring around people and when i know that they're bad

storytellers i'm just like i have to referee every conversation you have talk yeah during this i've dated so many dudes where i'm just like every time i bring them anywhere i have to be in every conversation they're in to just like cut them off or like laugh unreasonably hard at like really not funny stories oh no so that they're not embarrassed and so that the people that i'm with aren't uncomfortable my therapist was finally like what would happen if you just wouldn't do that just let them flop yeah i was like good point but then i just like stopped like but then i'm embarrassed that's the thing i would be so it's like a it's like a ding on me i don't like that it's a nick okay uh he said he joined the military because he wanted to go to war

who the fuck says that yeah that's just like yeah i don't like i don't know like what what what are the other reasons get college paid for um to serve your country i don't know going to war yeah that's weird i want to go to war yeah that's a strange thing to say um okay fucking weirdo he's the one who's kind of like a stalker oh shit and then now he is a uh private investigator well he found a job that's good for him like uh well he i'm like it was he that good at it though because i would always catch him well damn that's gonna cost him his life one day if he's bad at being a pi well most pis are investigating boring shit yeah that's true um do mr beat no was it mr beast no it was like a mr beast wannabe i'm sure he has a big mr wannabeast nice thanks that was

really good um he paid a private investigator he paid a um wow this is not even a connected story anymore because i just realized it was a hitman but like he paid a hitman to try and kill him oh actually there was it was but it was like just like a tap that was mr beast the private investigator was the wanna beast um where he like had this private investigator follow him around for like two weeks and take pictures of him and he had no idea he was there the entire time like that is so cool there was just like pictures of him like playing tennis and like pictures of like caroling it was like around december and he just like never noticed the dude there isn't that fucking nuts that's wild can you imagine i would love that job but it's scary because if you're a

and somebody catches you like you they're gonna like behead you i don't know why i went to that straight uh should i just speed run the rest of these yeah sure i keep wanting to have chats about all of them though um he couldn't keep a plant alive oh he never cooked or made meals for himself uh he would have a tantrum when i asked him to use a condom oh that's the biggest ick i'm like grow the fuck up and put on a condom you little bitch uh every single pair of his shoes somehow looked like they had been torn apart by rabid dogs he worked at zappos and he had his shoes like even if they were kind of new like i don't know what the fuck he was doing in these shoes that's so that's gross um his orgasm face was ugly um this is that's applied to a few

guys yeah same uh he dropped out of school but still lived on campus but also didn't have a job he literally did not do anything all day long that's picky uh he ordered a mojito on the rocks oh god what as opposed to what he said i'll have a mojito on the rocks and then the waiter was like um okay a mojito shaken not stirred um he dressed like a character in the big bang theory oh lord he drove a nissan cube oh no he had a tree tattoo like there are so many with the tree like a yep there are so many of those here yeah um his speaking voice was a medium yell oh no you know i don't like loud people that's just embarrassing though uh he had no furniture in his studio apartment it was just a mattress on the floor and a half assembled futon

i was like are you gonna murder me why wouldn't he just finish assembling the futon i don't know i talked to him later like so i dated this guy he had just graduated college and i was still in college and he was living in chicago and i went to go visit like him and some of my friends um because anna was like doing an internship in chicago and living with her sister and like she was turning 21 so i was going there for her 21st birthday and then i also was like seeing this guy so i was like oh i'll stay with him and then i go to his apartment and it smells like cigarette smoke because his neighbor is a chain smoker and I'm like how do you not smell this

and then yeah he just had a mattress in the middle of this studio apartment on the ground and nothing else no other furniture and then a futon that he started to put together

and I was just like he had lived there for like a while at that point so he was like a laziness thing at least like too too long like it was an alarming amount of time like how are you comfortable living in that environment i don't i i don't know he dressed like a dad he would screenshot my tweets and send them to me oh i think i just love attention so much no he would screenshot them and send them

to me and be like is this about me oh that's right oh i forgot about that they're not about you and i can tell you don't know how to use the internet because you think everything's about you what the fuck dude i completely if you just unlocked a memory that was really weird it was weird and then this is the last one he failed his real estate exam three times what yeah is that difficult is it a difficult test um how many people do you know are real estate agents you know a lot like yeah and everyone i know passed it on the first time right to fail it thrice yeah three fucking times you kind of almost have to try to fail it three times i know it's not the bar like that's true that's like kind of where my head's at i'm like you know sure okay there

i've never taken the real estate exam so i can't say what it's like but right just study like a little bit no he would oh no this was like a guy i had like kind of seen over the summer only for like a few weeks actually but like um he didn't have a job he didn't have a summer job or anything and like school hadn't started yet and then i was like if i i was like hey do you want to hang out or something like it'd be like well first i'm gonna be studying for the real estate exam and he fucking failed three times it's like i have to retake it i i just remember being like what like what are you doing yeah no i know what you mean yeah um he's real weird though a dude i dated kind of recently i dated too many guys who like became super weird in some way oh i mean like

that's like so common like the next year he decided he like was gonna have dreads oh um well you have to have some personality trait lived on the beach if it's not gonna be real estate it's gonna be dreads i wonder what he's doing now also he's a republican oh a republican with dreads yeah he like is a weird dude super strange yeah um a dude i dated i don't want to say his nickname because it's like kind of sad but he failed his like teaching exam for his on no no it wasn't his teaching exam it was his like final final for grad school and he was doing online school and he failed this final he could only take once every three months like four times oh my god it was i was so fucking frustrated and it was also i

think it was frustrating for me because his adhd was so fucking detrimental to our relationship that then it was like okay clearly this is an issue you know what i mean like yeah do so do something about it and he would choose to not because like i don't want i don't want to like make i don't want to put things in my body but then like smoked like a fucking chimney i'm like take fucking adderall i don't want to hear it or even while butrin i took this out of the last episode but um wellbutrin is also used to treat adhd and it has been super helpful for me good that's so great the brain fog is gone hell yeah i can see clearly now the brain fog's gone um do you have anything else nope well damn we really did it we we did we really did the damn

thing somebody just sent us an email of their own pussy rhymes and that they are so fucking funny i'm stoked um we asked her if um we're okay to use her name she said yes her name is lauren lauren these are so fucking funny thank you so much she said after listening to the latest pod i was inspired to come up with some bars of my own while on my hot girl walk this evening i thought i'd share with you here they are pussy like a g6 i'm flying it can should we go back and forth yeah pussy so wet towel dry in it i love that one pussy in america no rights for it that one is a banger and she also there's like a little little frowny emoji but it's yeah that's a it's that's a bar pussy so gay no guy in it

oh my god these are so fucking good pussy got infected uti in it unless she said sorry for this one there's nothing's off limits on this podcast pussy so priceless no buy in it so fucking funny these were amazing i think my favorite is um pussy so gay no guy in it that one's really good yeah i might have to agree with you on that one so good and then uh pussy in america no rights for it that's like one that should go in a song yeah it's real that's worthy that's real real she said i hope at least one of these can give you a laugh love you both and appreciate you for making my week with every new episode all of them all of them gave us a laugh you just made our week so thank you phenomenal love it all right well should

we end there we we shall we're gonna end here and we'll miss you next week we'll read some emails because we have some some mail in our inbox that is needs some attention and i will um sing the blues clues mail song and liz will cut it out as she does every episode just so y'all know every time we read any sort of email i sing the here's the mail it never felt i kept it once okay name that soad liz i don't think you did she hates the song but just know i'm singing it every single time maybe one day she'll leave it in again it's so worth it all right play us out amelia here's the mail no just kidding okay we love you that one wasn't terrible it was really soft it's definitely on the better end

of us ending the bar is in hell one day we will have a full choir singing it for us oh my god when we go on tour we'll just bring a choir along with us that will sing the intro song i wish that'd be dope yeah all right bye love you