The Hoely Hour - E154 None Of Our Business

Episode Date: September 22, 2023

There are a lot of things in life that are none of our business, including "what's at the bottom of the ocean?" Who needs to know that? Liz and Amelia read a listener email and attempt to give advice, but we're not doctors we're just doing our best OKAY? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. Now, I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited premium wireless for $15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made $15 bills. But it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch.

Upfront payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for 12-month plan required. $15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. me slow when network is busy c terms people get the poops from jack in the box like people used to be eating each other we used to be a real country make america great again bring back cannibalism welcome to the holy hour a podcast about sex relationships mental health and

everything in between i'm amelia samson and i'm liz ball follow us on instagram and tiktok at the holy hour i'm on instagram and tiktok at amelia samson and i'm on instagram and tiktok at LizBallSoHard. You can also watch us on YouTube or listen ad-free on Patreon at patreon.com slash theholyhour. Check out our merch at theholyhour.com and email us your spicy stories at holyhourpodcast at gmail.com. Oh, I was gonna say, I think that the Mercury retrograde shadow after Mercury retrograde is always worse than the actual retrograde. Are we in a shadow right now? Yes. What are you experiencing like the technical difficulties we just had now and then like true all of the

fucking construction just like little inconveniences some weird stuff happened at work today oh it was really it's juicy uh it's not about like my immediate like team or anything or like any of the people i work with but our client oh client t the best kind oh i decided what my presidential platform would be if i was running for president speaking of loud noises what i would make um every sound that stresses pets out illegal and i think that that's fair fireworks fireworks on people that soup up their stupid fucking cars to make them really loud illegal i think i am i think i'm also an animal well i guess we all are yeah because i hate all those sounds too well i hate noise pollution if you vote for me i will you will never have to deal with it again

yeah i'm sick of i feel like power tools are loud just for the sake of being loud i agreed i and then the same with like gardening stuff yeah we don't need it to be that loud no frank and i were walking to um the dice and air wrap is so quiet it's so quiet but they were somebody was putting like trees into one of those like um machines that just like chop them up it's like a wood chipper oh and it was so loud and i get it they're gobbling up trees but it was like dramatically loud i'm like there's no way that's necessary it doesn't need to be that loud but men love machines that make a lot of noise that's there's like an snl skit where um they make like uh house chores type things like uh the washing machine things like that they make them like

really like big and loud and manly so you can feel manly while you clean around the house that's my fucking point they're just like blowing i hate leaf blowers yeah specifically they're just blowing them around what why yeah that's all that they do is it just to get them off of their property to put onto someone else's property is that what a leaf blower is for you're like you're supposed to put them in a bag how i i understand like you know trying to get them in a pile i'm seeing what a leaf blower is used for is this really more efficient like and then half the time they don't like actually clean up the leaves yeah it says just to clear paved and concrete pathways remove cobwebs somebody worked really hard on that let the spiders live in their house okay clean out

the shed as long as their house is not in my house i don't care where the fuck spiders are dry your car that's none of my business who the fuck's drying their car with a leaf blower someone some start a fire a man with the smallest penis ever is drying his car with a leaf blower it says start a fire the google ai says start a fire i guess like till this is this is just now they're reaching what a manly invention they're making up reasons to have a leaf blower yeah because you could fucking you could start a fire it's like having a flamethrower like no do you really need that i would love to have a flamethrower unless you are a firefighter doing like controlled burning so there aren't like wildfires yeah you don't need a you don't

need a flamethrower i would just use it to light my candles i would feel so powerful you're like you could get a little one i'm i'm gonna do it and then i'll make creme brulee um uh blowtorch so those do exist oh blowtorch that's what i'm thinking of not not a flamethrower yeah flamethrower is way more aggressive well i want that i like aggressive i i do think a blowtorch is it has a purpose and it's for like welding and stuff and creme brulee and creme brulee obviously the two things the two pillars yeah of humanity what else is there i can't even think of anything medicine fucking doctors and shit uh we don't need that when we have a i'm forgetting what it's called flamethrower no blowtorch blowtorch this is

turning into the broly hour blow blow torch versus flamethrower who would win flamethrower for sure that would like immediately toast you right up like a little marshmallow oh yeah i've always wanted to be like a marshmallow roasted marshmallow put me over the fucking open fire um yeah daddy brown me on all sides am i gonna be your fucking chestnut have you ever had a s'mores with a racy's have i had a sploosh oh my god it's so fucking good especially i i had one for the first time when i was high oh my god that sounds amazing i had two i felt sick after but i was like it's worth it speaking of me eating when i'm high um i had guests over uh to mr liz's house i was like why the fuck wasn't i there yeah you were there um

yeah amelia and frank and then two other friends joined us at mr liz's and i was like a little cross-faded i like you know i'll have a drink or two but i prefer to like smoke a little weed because i don't feel like shit when i wake up um so i'm a i was like a little zooted and when you guys left frank had said something like he wants a cheeseburger and then mr liz is like i can make you a cheeseburger and he's like no no no no and then when everybody left i was like i kind of want a cheeseburger and he was like i can make you yeah i'll make you a cheeseburger and then he's like getting all the stuff out and he's like i don't have buns and then he like needed something else too and i was like oh then never mind i'll just like eat a bowl of cereal or something like

we had other stuff and then he's like no no i want to and then i was like i do not want you to make me a cheeseburger if it like requires it's midnight and you're gonna go to the store i could not oh he was he had to go to the store for it yeah oh fuck and um just so everybody knows the store is very close it is like a one and a half minute walk okay but that at that hour that's i know yeah it's like i'll eat literally anything else you go you're gonna go this late to the grocery store it's not that big of a deal um and then he's like i was like i don't want you to go do that like just for me and he's like i want to make you a cheeseburger and then i almost started crying because i was like how special is it that someone loves me so much that they're willing to

go to the grocery store make me a cheeseburger that's love midnight that's love i like was so happy and it was the he he also loves like pandering to me being stoned like he'll say funnier jokes and make better snacks like um and i think it's because he used to be a stoner so he like knows he he knows what buttons to push yeah well yeah what high people want absolutely so he made just like the sluttiest most delicious cheeseburger i've ever had it was so fucking good it looked like how you it tasted like it looked and tasted like what you think a Krabby Patty is gonna taste oh I know exactly what you mean it was uh it was so good I miss cheeseburgers man that's like the one thing that I met actually that and that and steak

Amelia doesn't eat red meat as a as a reminder but I think that eventually I might start again I'll never eat pork again but like I think about beef too frequently but I think I might it might be my iron deficiency yeah i was gonna say maybe you also have like vitamin b iron deficiency i do i have a vitamin b and a vitamin d deficiency fun fact about me speaking of which i also have a hemorrhoid i have hemorrhoids had a hemorrhoid man um i was i was at urgent care pretty late last night y'all um got got a my very first hemorrhoid you called it when i texted you you're like i bet it's hemorrhoids well i just learned about that i was so worried i think i told you i read about it but actually mr liz was reading a reddit thread to me and i internalized

that as i was reading yeah i read something somewhere it's trans it's transferring the information in the same way i there's just a middleman i've considered not going on any social media for like a month outside of just when i'm like doing it for my job obviously but because i was just like i'm always like consuming something like no wonder i can't remember anything yeah i've i've taken in so much information just today selfishly i need you to fight my battles though i do i do be doing that um we did that this weekend and we did we we got the band back together we really did we got the band back together Amelia and I used to uh fight with I hate saying fight it was like it was more like bully yeah we would bully people on twitter that

were being bullies yeah if they were just like being bigots because that's the um that's the spirit of twitter especially now um speaking of um keeping your brain out of the internet we made a list of things that are none of our business i came across this video today on tiktok and sent it to liz and i don't know if it's a trend going on right now or if it's just this these two girls that did it but it's so fucking funny i kind of think it's a trend but because the comments on that video were like this is the funniest one of these i've seen oh okay okay cool um but uh so we we made a short list of things that are none of our business we'll go back and forth yeah okay you start um what's happening on the bottom of the ocean

it's none of my business it's none of my business i don't know if i ever wanted to be my business no but people will pay half a million dollars to go oh god it's none of my business i almost i forgot about that until just now scary lest we never forget have you ever seen the videos on tiktok of like marine biologists like watching uh little sea creatures no they're like amazed by these little guys because like some of them are rare so they're like oh fuck yeah oh my god what are we looking at this is so cool this is it must be like this kind of jellyfish and i feel excited with them totally it's exciting but there's too much we don't know yeah they're not at the bottom of the ocean none of my business um one thing that's none of my business um your other friends

names that's none of my business and not just you like any of my friends if they're not in our shared friend circle i have no idea who the fuck you're talking about none of my business it's i just especially if i haven't met them yeah i'm trying though i trying if they have like a nickname or a story then i can keep up but i'm not gonna remember the real name until i meet them in person yeah no totally um those little bugs that live under our eyelids and eat our mascara i forgot about those none of my business i don't give up their that's just none of my business listen if they if my mascara is their snack that's none of my business none of my business eat what you want to eat um what states cities are in that's none of my business like

little state like little cities yeah i don't i don't know where the fuck that is like mr liz's family is on the east coast and then some of them live in like this one city and i always think it's vermont but there it is new york but i think it's vermont every time and he's always has to correct me absolutely that that and like different capitals of different states i don't give a fuck that's none of my business i well my mom made me little like uh puzzle cards right this is a study why did we need why did we need why do we need to know that we don't it's none of our business like why do i need to know the capital of fucking nebraska is it omaha i don't know I know that's pretty big well it doesn't matter it's none of my business yeah okay my next

one how and when I'm gonna die none of my business that's it's good that you can uh categorize that in none of my business because it should be none of my business you know when and how I'm gonna die but it is something that I regularly panic about oh all of us do but but it's not it's none of my it's like it'll consume your life like if i had the option to know how and when i was gonna die i wouldn't you know what yeah same not in my business oh my god let's see another thing that is none of my business how much houses cost oh yeah that is none of my business no it makes me sad in seattle i'm like it's over a million dollars yeah if it's not a condo and has more than two bedrooms it is over a million dollars yeah for sure yeah but it's none of my business

and and anywhere else in the United States how much a house is it's none of my business no it's one of those things where I'm like you know I'll probably have a house someday yeah but I mean it's just depressing for now it's none of my business yeah it's like oh yeah you're paying this in Seattle you could get like a like a mega mansion in Arizona it's like that's none of my business and I don't want to fucking live there yeah I don't care if I can live in a city where i don't know what state it's in to buy a house it makes me sad um fantasy football oh yeah none of my business i don't even yeah i have no idea what goes on i don't understand it i also don't i mean i don't understand what goes on in regular football yeah um and that's why like

i like attending sporting events don't want to watch them on tv i also have no idea what's going on no i'm there for um the high spirits and the vibes and the camaraderie i love high spirits i like camaraderie i just like feeling included you know me too yeah except i did go to a women's soccer game the other week and that is the most excited i've been about any sport fuck yeah it was so fun to watch what what team was it um i see that's none of my business okay you're right you're right oh my god i do know some of them were on the u.s like world cup soccer team sick or the olympic team i don't know what do they call it it's none of my business okay another thing that's none of my business what kind of dog you have

oh that's all my business you could tell me i i know a few dog breeds um but if you're telling me about your dog and you tell me the breed my eyes are gonna glaze over because i can't usually visualize it oh that makes sense i'm like is it big or is it small or is it like kind of a medium dog yeah that's how you know you've had cats your whole life yeah well because cats are just your it's like what kind of cat is it orange i don't know yeah i have a black cat yeah i have a black cat and a fluffy cat any dream anyone has ever unless i'm in it it's none of my business like i don't want to know whenever people are like oh my god i had the craziest dream last night i don't give a fuck the second they're like you were in it i'm like i need to know every single detail

what did i do was yeah right like was it a sex dream with me did i did i die i have to know these things otherwise it's none of my business another thing that's none of my business is how old my coffee is i've told you this well if it's out honestly if it's out more than overnight then i'll toss it but yeah i've been known to drink it like two days later which is not you know something you shouldn't do yeah well have you died no it's none of your business sometimes i get the poops but that could be from anything it could be just from having coffee period yeah or your period that's true um i'm not eating food i leave out though no hell no that shit's going in the trash absolutely um depending on how long it's been out because sometimes it takes me a long time

to eat uh meals so i have to eat them slowly and then i'll go do something else and then i'll come back and finish it four hours is the rule yeah i i saw something like that today did you hear about fried rice syndrome or something no um it's basically if you just leave the same food out like over time and you just keep eating it like if you get a pizza and you leave it out for like two days and you just keep eating that you could die from that a kid recently died and he was eating pasta that he had left out for a week he was just like eating a little bit during the week well and it's not refrigerated or anything i'm like what okay crazy and also like we like used to eat just like cows like alive you know what i mean like like we've evolved backward

you know what i mean do you understand what i'm saying yes you know people get the poops from jack-in-the-box like people used to be eating each other we used to be a real country make america great again bring back cannibalism something that's none of my business how much money i spent on uber eats this week see that is a lot of my business it adds up it should be my business but it's not it's just not it'll it can be your business when you want it to be yeah you know like i'll count it eventually right now it's none of my business um who my neighbors are none of my business that is the most west coast thing i don't know anybody who lives in my building i don't know their names i say hi to them i know one of their names um and it's because she's the

building manager oh dan um and i don't know anybody else's name and i've actually like never run into anybody who lives on my floor really yeah i see your neighbors all the time when i come in that is so strange frank knows every person maybe frank knows every person in his building every single person he is the type of person to know everyone he's just whenever we're in the elevator i'm like oh because i'm so used to people like not interacting with their neighbors my neighbors because i live i work from home well it's you know now you're about to move so i almost said i live from home but a lot of people uh tend to do that living from home my home is wherever i'm living you're alive from home but are you really living from home

let's start a magazine let's start like a uh the magazine just has the vibe of christian girl fall but it's not christian or anything um and it's called living from home magazine i love that yeah like knee-high boots and like plaid scarves yeah anytime and then one of those christian girl hats the wide brim oh yes can we do a a christian girl fall photo shoot yeah yeah play in the leaves oh my god that would be so fun i would love that we're doing it i would love that okay let's do it um oh that was all my things um i only have two more um how old you are after age 30 none of my business no no if you are older than 30 i don't care yeah you know we're it's i i can guess the general range of how old people are um if you're 30 and under

i'm only curious because i'm like curious if your frontal lobe is done developing yet um and then also i am afraid of people who are under the age of 22 i think oh yeah i that's like 25 for you guys are so i don't know what's going on no i'm so out of touch i have no idea what's going on and it feels like my business i don't know what dating is like for you guys um it seems really rough and then i'm like was it always rough i think it was but we were more conditioned for the patriarchy than they were fuck that's so sad so we just were delusional hey sometimes ignorance is bliss it's true um this this is my last one what your tattoos mean that's none of my business oh also what my tattoos mean is none of my business

because they don't really mean anything yeah i mean i'm meaning to all of my tattoos and at least three of them have no meaning they're loose that my tattoos have loose meaning to me yeah same um that's for my middle name i just like women you know what i mean yeah yeah i think women are dope so that's that's it that's the reason immortalize them yeah but as you said it's none of your business yeah it's basically it's none of my business it's if you like it then you like it and i do boom fuck that was fun that was fun um so we've been talking about doing a mailbag episode for a while now and the time has come that's what we're gonna do here's the mail it never fails it makes me want to whack my tail when it comes i want a whale

if i was editing this week i would keep that in and i would double it here's the mail it never fails it makes me want to whack my tail when it comes i want a whale if i was editing this week i would keep that in and i would double it now i'm gonna do that before we before we dive into the mailbag we love when y'all leave us reviews on apple podcasts i think you can actually leave reviews on spotify now too because at the bottom of every episode it's like what did you think about today's episode but either way wherever you're able to leave us reviews it really means a lot um and we got a really nice one uh god this was like a

little bit over a month ago but I just wanted to share it and if you leave a review I don't know maybe we'll read it only if it's nice though be nice to us we're fragile um this one says the subject is I wish I had these friends in my life and then it says like at any point having these ladies in my life would make me feel just less like i was less like what i was doing was awkward or odd liz and amelia talk the way you've always wanted to talk to someone there's laughs there's jokes there's endless stories but there is zero judgment i love how they speak for themselves while also supporting others voices and speaking on behalf of their experience without belittling anyone else's oh they talk in a way i want the world to talk in a positive way accepting

all genders and sexualities and with genuine care and thought they make me laugh so hard and make me feel like my sexploitations are way more normal now i hear others discuss it too that's so fucking nice thank you for taking the time to write that that's so that's it's it's just i want to print these out all right so this one's gonna be a big letter but that's okay because i think it will be a good discussion um it's titled funny little story plus a big question hi amelia and liz i just wanted to say I love the podcast and it's one of my favorite parts of the week I just wanted to share something that's fairly irrelevant but it gives me a laugh I have a niece named Addie and when she was three years old she always asked me to tell her some pookie tories which was the way

she said spooky stories every time I hear your intro now when Liz says email us your spicy stories my brain substitutes pookie tories instead I chuckle to myself for like five minutes it's a great way to start the listening session now for my question i am 36 amab non-binary they them and if you guys don't know what amab means it means assigned male at birth i have been listening for a while and i believe neither of you have children so it may be hard to relate but i could use your advice i started dating my now wife 36 f 36 female she her in august of 2016 we had a great sex life until december until that point we had been using condoms as well as we both wanted kids but it was way too soon in our relationship to consider that we had a scare with a broken condom

and she decided she wanted to go on birth control after talking to her doctor we she went on the depo shot from that moment on her sex drive was non-existent but she didn't tell me that until i asked her if something was wrong after she was less enthusiastic during sex a little after the shot she told me that she didn't really want to have sex but she was afraid that if she said no i'd resent and leave her i told her i'd never do that and that my love for her was much deeper than having sex around a month in we connected the dots that it was the depo that killed her desire she wasn't sad by it in fact she seemed to be happier she got the shot once more three months after the first but then stopped because she said she felt guilty because she knew i did want sex in

the relationship and she absolutely does not want any sort of open relationship neither do i for the record despite me saying we can use condoms she tried other forms of hormonal birth control and her desire didn't come back so now around the end of 2018 we were married and she stopped all birth control and we decided we were ready for kids but but would just leave it up to nature whatever happens will happen we had sex maybe five times from the time she went on depo until this point her desire was slowly recovering it was uh it was she never wanted sex to now being maybe every second or third time she ovulates she was super horny during 2019 we had sex maybe five times but one of which she got pregnant from we were so happy in 2020 she gave birth and then comes the

hectic new parents phase where our entire relationship was in survival mode we were both just absolutely exhausted but it became better once the baby was about a year old and we finally had some energy for sex again and she almost immediately was pregnant once we did the story for this one was basically the same as the last but even more work she had a terrible pregnancy and it took a big toll on her body she already has lupus and it is on top of that all of the crazy shit that can that can and does happen to a pregnant person is just wild and of course no doctor seemed sympathetic we heard so much oh that's normal and she was told to just deal with it deal with so much from every single doctor i felt so useless to help her get the care she needed

sorry connor ranting on how the bull how bullshit the medical system is to women amen um anyway we had our second with a traumatic birth where she was in so much pain that she was literally asking me to kill her she couldn't get an epidural because of a spinal fusion and of course they considered her considered her high risk so so pushed for an induction two weeks early her body was not ready for that and forcing it early seemed to make the pain 10 times worse than the one than the first one she literally passed out several times and we were begging the doctors to take her to do a c-section finally after 20 hours they agreed she told them while she's in there to get her tubes tied because we are just done after this the plan was originally for me to get a vasectomy

but she insisted she wanted to do this as a fail-safe so much trauma after we had our second it was the same as the first but even more exhausting as we near our second child turning two now we are finally having sex more regularly but it's still maybe once a month at the absolute most we've discussed it at length but she has a lot of feelings hitting the brakes right now on her sex drive one is that she says she feels like a prude after becoming a mother her brain tells her that moms do not have sex and that she's doing something immoral she knows it's not correct but it's hard to ignore another is that she does not feel good about her body she's put on something like 60 pounds since we first met but i couldn't give a single fuck she's sexy and i love her

but with how fucked society is she's got no self-esteem i compliment her all the time but she's one of those people that can't take a compliment and that it says haha so um even when we first were dating anytime i told her she was so smart beautiful capable etc she just rolled her eyes so i'm not sure how to help she was also sexually abused as a kid by a neighbor and nobody believed her absent dad raised by her perpetually working grandma an unreliable mom i know for certain she needs therapy without a doubt nobody around accepts her insurance and they make too much uh for any sort of sliding scale assistance but money is incredibly tight still i told her she needs it and we will make it work but she still refuses and doesn't want to spend money on

it how can i help her i know this is a lot and y'all aren't mental health professionals but do you have any advice at all sorry this was so long and have a wonderful day and thanks for your time if you happen to use this I'd prefer you didn't use my real name we don't use any names so thank you for your letter thank you so much for taking the time to write this I mean just like off the bat like you you caring as much as you do like obviously like people like you want to have sex but it doesn't seem like it's coming from like solely that angle like it genuinely seems like you care a lot about how your wife is feeling and that's amazing I mean in my opinion that was like the whole focus yeah there was like not having sex is just a symptom yeah right right she's like

clearly like been through it with I mean like everything we don't need to go back through everything that you hit but it's been a lot and my suggestion until you got to the bottom of reading the email was gonna be like a sex therapist because like this is not unique to her you know this is like something that a lot of couples go through um but nobody really talks about so it feels very isolating but then you know you mentioned the insurance thing and like the money and that's so real i think like my suggestion would be to just like utilize any like free or inexpensive like education that you can get your hands on like like audiobooks there's a lot of really really great sex therapists on tiktok oh yeah well i also obviously i highly

recommend come as you are because it does approach complex things like this you know it makes you reframe how you're thinking about sex and intimacy because not having sex is just a symptom of the actual problem and how what i interpret the actual problem is like it's the same thing that they mentioned which is her sex drive like she she feels like moms aren't supposed to have sex and i think that's a really important thing to touch on just that that like implication that society puts on women especially moms and moms have like the worst judgment cast on them yeah from every direction you have to be a perfect mom and um still somehow like feel desirable and like be like the the sexy virgin essentially yeah like that's still the

expectation but then you also have to be conservative because you have kids now i don't know it's just it seems like so mentally and emotionally exhausting yeah so come as you are we'll have things like that and then um I haven't gone through a lot of this book but it's called mating in captivity and it's by Esther Perel I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing me talk about her um but it's it like I think that in tandem with come as you are is so helpful and really opens your eyes and I think that your wife is going to like need to rediscover her sexuality in a different way and that's gonna take time yeah and like it's not gonna be dormant forever we all have that like that fire inside you know totally that feeling of desire yeah it's just now things are

different yeah and like I mean I think that you understand completely like how this just like you are your partner and what your partner needs but like she's going to have to like come to terms with like putting in whatever work is necessary not saying that she's not like at all but like it really does you can only do so much yeah and you have two kids now yeah that adds that I mean that's gonna take priority yeah or anything else like I can only imagine if I were in either of their positions like taking care of my kids would be the first thing and then like if I have time sure i'll go see a therapist but that's like not my main focus right now it's like taking care of my kids making ends meet and then just like the day-to-day things that you have to do yeah right

to survive it also might be worth it to get um i mean again this is another money thing but this might be different in terms of like what's in your network or what's not is getting like um your hormones checked her hormones checked because this started with the depo shot and now it's yeah I mean if you were on hormonal birth controls like that is gonna like really throw your body through a loop and it takes a while for your body to fully reset yeah so I mean she was on these hormonal birth controls and then she had like two kids pretty quickly in a row yeah you know and that is also changing your hormones yeah it's a huge fluctuation totally I think um another thing that could be helpful here is because your wife is only going to do what she has the time and space

to do she and she has to want to be doing these things she has to want to be seeking out like learning more reading books whatever for her own sake you know not just for yours but because she doesn't want to feel like that anymore and I mean obviously we don't know what like your day-to-day looks like with your wife and kids you know um but the thing that i could imagine helping would be taking a lot of those daily tasks off of her plate so she has time to focus on herself yeah like for her own mental health you know and um i mean that's also so much easier said than done yeah you know it's like i'm sure they're both doing a lot yeah i'm sure they're both working their asses off to take care of their kids so totally but this is just like a word like that's

good advice not just for them that wrote in like for for everyone like you know if you are trying to like help someone out with something that they need to work on with themselves like allowing them the space and time to do it by just like taking some shit off of their plate is like one of the few ways that you can help someone decide that they like want to make a change for themselves yeah such a considerate thing yeah you know um one of the things that i was reading and come as you are because um the author gives a lot of different like contextual examples of um like they're not exact stories of her past like clients and whatnot but they're like kind of a culmination of them and one of them touches on how like the thing that increases um one of the partners sex

drive was the leading up to it so foreplay isn't just like what you do but like the the physical things you do before you have sex it's everything that happened in that day yeah leading up to that which i think is because then you are in the you are in the space to like be you're in the mood to be in the mood yeah you know what i mean absolutely i think we've talked about that too like getting in the mood to be in the mood because people are so rarely like experiencing spontaneous desire yeah like i feel like after your mid-20s like spontaneous desire is so much more rare especially when you're comfortable in a relationship yeah it's just not gonna be as common to have this like spontaneous like desire sparked in you to

like want to have sex totally and when that starts to go away it feels like it's like something wrong in the relationship but then like it's so it's just how it goes you know yeah people early on in relationships are having sex like every day multiple times a day sometimes and then they'll go down to like once a week and it's like are we falling out of sync with each other i don't know if you feel this or have felt this way um as women like i don't feel this way in my relationship now but like to feel like sex is just like like we've talked about this like it's not for you because so then it starts to feel like a chore because you're like well i know my partner wants sex so yeah i'll just get through it and i think especially it can feel like that one like and i'm

not saying that it's a task the writer right but and i'm not saying that the writer that wrote this like their wife is feeling this way but i think in in situations like this where like the pressure it feels like there's pressure on you even though your partner is not like pushing it yeah your partner is not like they love you they don't want you to feel pressured they don't want you to feel uncomfortable but because they're your partner and you care about them and you know this is a thing you want and like you're the only one who could give that to them then it's like um it's like having a hobby that you enjoy and then someone wants to pay you for it and it becomes less enjoyable yeah what the fuck is that about that's like that's like how sex is sometimes yeah that's

so true is like you you do want it and you know you enjoy it but then it starts to feel like a task because someone's waiting for you to to do it yeah so it can be hard to kind of undo that expectation like that feeling of expectation and um i don't know if this is a solution per se but i know that this is something that i really enjoy and i also enjoy fantasizing about it is sex being all about me oh yeah only about me my pleasure is at the center of the evening and i don't feel pressured to finish i finish first and um like everything that is done are my favorite things like that's what that's like ideal sex to me yeah and it doesn't like i'm not expecting that every time we have sex but like that would be amazing i i love having sex like

that totally and i mean who doesn't you know right if you want sex to be all about you but it's so rarely about women and it's so rarely marketed to be about women so when it is it feels like a fantasy uh-huh damn that's so true yeah like the porn that i watch is all like it's all about the woman in in the sexual encounter yeah because that really is a fantasy like that's so interesting I just want to be at the main I want to be the main character yeah I don't want to have to worry about like you or what you're doing or if you're having a good time I want you to just be having a good time because I'm having a good time because I enjoy that you know right and this goes back to the conversation that we were having about like the different kinds

of guys that want to like be good at sex to like leave a legacy versus like the guy and like it really is like having sex with somebody who you can tell like genuinely gives a fuck about how you're feeling it changes sex it's so much it's so much better like and obviously that feels like like a duh statement but like it really is that tension feeling it when it's not like that because um there's a level of trust and vulnerability involved it's so much harder to just mentally get to that state of like it is okay for sex to only be about me like it requires effort otherwise because do you i don't know if you feel like this i'm realizing this now like having sex in the past um i'll feel like a level of like tension internally of like

there's always a little bit of it that is performative oh absolutely and there's it's just like then you can't like fully enjoy it and like get lost in it yeah you know yeah toward the end of like I mean when I was like really like having a whole lot of sex with a bunch of different people like I wasn't feeling like that and then toward like when I was tapering off at the end I really started feeling like that and that was a signal to me that I was like ready to stop doing that because it was like I don't know it just kind of felt like I was like doing it for uh for someone else like it wasn't like at the front of my mind before when I was dating I would be like I'm gonna go on a date with this guy and then we're gonna have sex like that was like on my

calendar like back to back you know now like then after when that was going on for a while like whenever it would get to the point of us having sex I would just be like I don't want to I don't want to do this but like I guess I'm gonna do it then I'm like you know like really selling it faking orgasms all the time and it's just like did you feel like that in your relationship with your ex yeah and I think it was because too like I had only had sex with him at that point and I didn't forget about that yeah I didn't know what else what sex could be like with other people so I was just kind of like maybe I'm just somebody that just is not gonna ever like sex and like that's okay because that is okay but I was just like I was operating under that assumption and I

whenever I like wasn't in the mood we were both kids and like I don't like blame him for this but like he would take it personally our relationship had a lot of problems too so like that makes sense but like he would take it personally so like I stopped saying no when I wasn't in the mood and we were long distance so like worse yeah we were long distance we had to do it when we were together plan to only visit him while you're on your period yeah right yeah oh sorry man um but yeah no i mean it was just it was a lot of like being performative and doing it just to kind of do it and not like enjoying it yeah that's how i felt about most sex except for like one person i was dating in college wow yeah and then all of my

other sexual encounters were like disappointing for the most part damn yeah i think that that's why i was so attached to music man for so long because it was the first like sex that i enjoyed yeah like literally ever you like go to subspace essentially yeah and like i say subspace or dom space or whatever but like it's it's just uh getting into a flow state essentially and like getting into a flow state during like a sexual encounter is it can feel difficult but it's like that those are like the best moments in my opinion totally i was asking mr liz like we were talking about that flow state feeling and i was like how often do you experience that having sex and he's like i feel like i always kind of get there to a flow state and i was like oh that's

interesting because i don't yeah you know and it has like even in my relationship now i don't always get to a flow state that's just not how my brain works it does i would love to it's like meditative like yeah exactly it's kind of like a muscle if i have too much going on in my day and i it's just sometimes it's just hard for me to like get to that level of like bliss yeah and and not thinking about anything yeah it can be really difficult that makes sense that's why like when the times I do get really deep into that flow state um my all of my senses are being engaged because then I'm like not it's it's so weird to try and explain like I'm not overstimulated like um I'm wearing a blindfold and I'm wearing headphones so I don't really know what's going

on around me and then i just like can focus on like the music and um feel like what is happening around me versus and like letting it happen to me versus like you know watching and like trying to observe and like feeling like i need to be playing a part or something yeah you can't play a part when you don't know what's going on did you watch stranger things uh no oh i watched part of the first season that was like how they would get um 11 to like like see like have a psychic moment was they would like blindfold her and put in headphones so she could focus and chance weren't there damn it's a kinky ass show really when i have sex yeah yeah good um was at the end of that thought because i have a good transition for the breaking boobs end of my

thought yeah well i also i hope this was at least somewhat helpful yeah or like gave you some ideas of of what you two can do together or like how you can be more supportive for your wife i mean you're already very supportive and it can be such a like sensitive and difficult such a sensitive and difficult like topic to approach yeah and you know we we don't have kids so no our advice is also limited you know totally but i do think too like there's a lot in this that a lot in your email that could be like taken or a lot in your email that's like relevant and relatable to a lot people even if they don't have kids like we're both just like hitting our mics today i didn't hear yours okay good i just slammed my face into it um but like fluctuating sex drives and um like

not wanting to like like wanting to be supportive of your partner without like pressuring like those are things that a lot of people experience there's just additional layers here this is like one of the top uh problems that couples run into is mismatched sex drives and then the number one i think is finance it's like financial stuff yeah financial stuff and mismatched sex drives are like two of the biggest like points of contention in most relationships so keep that in mind that this is like not a rare experience and i think it's one of those things that's it's a different solution for everybody yeah you know so you'll have to kind of find your your magic mixture of what's gonna work for you too cool good bow liz thanks um it's been a hot min since we've uh had a

breaking boobs it has been talking tits it has been but i found one today okay i'm excited it's little scary um this is as of august 7th but i didn't know so i wanted to share it there uh newsweek has reported that sex toys shed fertility damaging chemicals that does not surprise me here's what it says like if you just like learn what is in pacifiers that babies put in their mouth like they talk about children's toys in this and how fucked up like all of it is yep um so here's what it says we got microplastics in our blood scientists have discovered that various types of sex toys may be capable of shutting microplastics and other dangerous chemicals four forms of sex toys dual vibrators external vibrators analtoids and anal beads were

found to contain phthalates phthalates which are chemicals known to cause damage to the liver kidneys and reproductive system at high concentrations according to a study published in the journal of microplastics and nanoplastics the chemicals were found in the sex toys at levels above the u.s regulations and eu standards for children's toys um the toys were also found to deposit nanoplastic fragments after being mechanically rubbed and scraped uh so do some research on what you're putting in your body because i think it would be worth it to figure out if like the ones that the sex toys that you have have like been recalled in any sense oh yeah that's so fucking i mean like not like you said not surprising and terrifying yeah i wonder

like how you can figure out which ones are like high quality enough you know so it's worth investigating like brands and where they're made and what they're made with yeah does this have any other information it doesn't um it has some stats about who uses sex toys um okay so the phthalates are chemicals that are used to make plastics more durable they're found in a vast array of products like vinyl flooring to soap to shampoos a large number of people are exposed to them and although the exact effects they have on the human body are unclear some studies on rodents have found that they may impact the rodent's fertility and reproductive system okay so it's really just the phthalates it really just calls out those four types though which like

that's really all that there is yeah i mean and this is not um your go ahead to like put other things in your body yeah no especially your butthole okay we've all learned from my mistakes the titanic plug with a really wide base the titanic butt plug i have to tell you like everybody that i know that starts listening to the podcast starts on that episode that's so funny and they they text me or they tell me in person like how fucking incredible of a story that is and it honestly is so funny i sometimes i forget it happened to me it's wild and i mean it is it happens to people you know it's kind of i bet this happens like once a day at minimum but it was you hadn't told me until we were recording i want to look back on

those videos i want to listen to it re-listen to it um but honestly that was like it's funny because it wasn't scary at first or like it you know you were in survival mode yeah yeah like at first you're like oh yeah and then now it's funny because i didn't need to go to the er yeah right um and honestly at some point even if i did need to go to the er it would be funny totally and i have to remind myself like they see this shit all the time like when i went to the when i went to urgent care last night for my hemorrhoid before i knew it was a hemorrhoid i walked into the room they put my name big on the door and then inside the room they wrote um rectal bleeding really like large on the whiteboard and i was like you don't y'all don't this you're doing too much come

on y'all this is there's no other way you have that information y'all don't need to put this on the whiteboard right next to my name giant but they it's like breathing for them you know and i was thinking about i was like at least what would be stuck in my ass is something that was made to be in my ass you know true it's not something that you're like why did you put that in there it's not like a sharpie we know we should find the craziest shit that they've pulled out of people's asses i there's i'm sure there are some things i don't want to know i want to know all of them but it really is none of our business thank you thank you that's a callback that's called callback ladies and gentlemen amelia sampson thank you thank you thank you so much

shall we yeah i love when you say shall we i always know when it's coming to it it's been 154 of these we shall yeah this is 154 fuck man that's crazy well he's been through too much well we love you we love you i tried to go low baritone my voice stayed the same no i just was trying different mouth shapes to make it lower that was oh there it is there it there was that's the lowest i can go i want to see how low i can go it's so hard all right bye