The Hoely Hour - E161 Old Man Porn

Episode Date: November 10, 2023

EVERYONE SHUT UP. Amelia has a big announcement. A listener writes in about their struggles in the bedroom with their boyfriend, and how porn could be a culprit. Also, one of the hosts used to watch old man porn. Guess which host! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

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May slow when network is busy. See terms. hi meows hi oh here she comes you're such a weird little girl she needed to be acknowledged before she would try yeah she's like um hello baby girl hi auntie liz hi you look great have you lost weight oh that's so nice of you to say maybe she's been exercising a lot she gets the zoomies at 2 a.m every day yeah she goes full goblin mode she is she's on a schedule full goblin mode and sometimes before bed I'll turn I'll get a little weird and um Mr. Liz calls it the girlfriend zoomies that's so cute because it's kind of true he showed me like a meme that called

it the girlfriend zoomies that is so I get that after sex I do like a full musical number after sex hello my baby hello my darling and Frank is just like laying there just like a shell of a man and i'm like doing a full like i'd like a full dance musical make it a one woman show yeah i'm just they're actually the vagina monologues welcome to the holy hour a podcast about sex relationships mental health and everything in between i'm amelia samson and i'm liz ball follow us on instagram and tiktok at the holy hour i'm on instagram and tiktok at amelia samson and i'm on instagram and tiktok at liz ball so hard you can also watch us on youtube or listen ad free on patreon at patreon.com slash the holy hour check out our merch at theholyhour.com and

email us your spicy stories at holy hour podcast at gmail.com we haven't bought enough snacks yet but there's room for the snacks they're hot that's the most important i am like honestly i get like butterflies i get excited when i think about organization tools i thought you were gonna to say snacks i was about to relate with you on that to be a little treat are you kidding me fuck yeah are you part of treat culture no uh when you go to the store you have to get a little treat oh yeah i always need to have a little treat frank has actually got me in into tree culture i just me becoming more of a stoner is what has gotten me that makes sense that makes sense i make sure i always eat my normal healthy meal before i get high and then that's smart i i'm like

you're deep in tree culture uh-huh and then i get a little treat i love that ice cream is one of my favorite stoner treats i am realizing i don't think that i can appreciate ice cream to its full potential because i have such sensitive teeth and like having that realization was pretty sad see you need to be sucking on joints and pipes so you get that pain in the back of your throat um where you cough so hard that you're like i think i could breathe fire right now oh god i hate that and then it feels like it's like i need a little bit of i need a little bit of ice cream to make you feel better i would eat the whole pint i have a very bad impulse control but my teeth are so sensitive so maybe it's actually kind of a blessing yeah frank will just bite into like

popsicles like he has no of all i know serial killer trait do not be biting into popsicles i think one of the funniest things you have said is um what if if someone like became a serial killer what trait they have would give it away or like people would be like oh that makes sense that they're a serial killer because they do this thing what was yours explained it way better you said how symmetrical my bedroom was oh yeah that's spot on yeah i was spot on with that yeah mine is um how intensely i rub my face oh yeah i think my eyeball my uh hello am i running out of battery i think my eyeballs are gonna pop one day like i like go ham how when you had lash extensions would you just avoid touching them you know what i think it is is

that now that i don't have lash extensions i've really leaned oh yeah you don't appreciate the ability to rub your eyes until you have lash extensions so that's i mean and then i go when i go in on my nose oh yeah frank loves it every time i scratch my nose like a little bunny yeah i get my whole arm involved sometimes i i've had to do like a because i have this septum it's not even real fake septum ring um but you can't like rub it yeah it's kind of in the way so i've gotten into this weird nose rubbing habit would you feels nice though would you get it for real it look like it's looks so good i see i like it and i i don't even have to take this out oh you sleep with it yeah i never take it out sometimes i take it out to clean it obviously but oh yeah so there's

really no point in getting it yeah it's like i would have to deal with the pain and then when you get it you have to have like the the bowl piercing essentially yeah because that's like the easiest way to clean it right i don't want that no see this is just and i you know yeah why yeah if this is working then why that's so true and i know i'm not gonna like want it forever you sound like my dad talking about tattoos you know when that's so true when i was like wanting to get tattoos he was like you know temporary tattoos they look pretty nice like i don't want like a fucking sparkly butterfly dad have you this is also like a psa for everybody have you heard of those like temporary tattoos box yeah no no no they like actually tattoo it

into your body with a gun and it's supposed to fade um that shit is like not studied enough i've seen like a lot of horror stories on tiktok of people like it does not fade within a year one person had it for three years and it was like slowly fading it took like three years for it to fully go away another girl her body reacted so horribly to the ink and it just became scarred tissue yeah and then she was like luckily able to tattoo over it but good there was a tattoo shop that only did those in chicago and i was like i thought it was so interesting that was the first time i had heard about it we're gonna start seeing commercials for that specific type of ink well because it's not the tattoo artist's fault like the like like the law commercial yeah

do you have have you been affected by urinary mesh or whatever the fuck they always talk about the foot what is that uh is it uterine uterine mesh lining or something yeah yeah sling or um what's the other one that they're always talking about it's like there's like diabetic ketoacidosis is when you hear on commercials all the time but then there's one that's like um i know what you're thinking of and i can't think of what it's all one of those lawyer commercials anyway now the ink is going to be um i knew somebody i know at some point we're going to be seeing like class action lawsuits for that we're gonna be seeing class action lawsuits for honestly i kind of think bbls oh yeah for sure people people die like kind of often oh bbls are very high risk

yeah like i don't know i was like learning a lot about bbls this weekend i already knew they were very high risk but there's a ton of influencers who will sell their booty program but they got of bbl yeah and then some of them you can tell because they don't have any other muscles in their legs so they have these sticks and then they have this big ridiculous diaper ass and i'm just like yeah i know it's really that's that's what makes like influencer culture so unsafe like there's just so many women putting their bodies in such high risk to look a specific way that's fucked up and you know what i want to know why the kardashians haven't fucking said anything about like you started this culture i know you started this the kim kardashian like i think it was kim

it was either kim or chloe i'm pretty sure it was kim she did like a um a she did like a scan of her ass to prove that she didn't have implants and everyone's like oh there we go it's it's natural but you don't need you don't get implants with bbls so that's like how she got away with tummy which is a specific look is it yes well damn you see these are the things that i don't know also well i just remember seeing they're all lying they're all fucking lying they've all had so much like work done that's why kylie looks like she's 40 yeah and has for the last like 15 years she's really starting to be like outspoken about regretting getting all of it done like she's like she's like now that i have a daughter it makes me so sad that i've done all of this to

my body yeah because you don't want them to do that yeah i was seeing something about actually it might have been part of the um the social media dilemma or the social dilemma that movie that the documentary that came out about social media and like what it's doing to us there was a piece in it that was talking about how like little kids growing up with snapchat and instagram and tiktok oh all of these filters changing your face you can just swipe one over and like it completely like smooths everything out and you get used to looking that way and then you think you're supposed to and then you have this unrealistic standard for what you're supposed to look like ingrained in your brain from such a young age I can't imagine having grown up with

that like yeah I that would have fucked me all the way up it's gonna be very interesting to see how things kind of shake out especially with AI yeah should we um move along yeah you got a big announcement I have a big announcement it's so funny yesterday um I didn't know that you had recorded that little intro for last week and somebody texted me and was like um I heard on the podcast like the like that you have an announcement but then I talked to your parents about it oh no congratulations I was like wait what what did she say no no it's good no I'm glad that I wanted to talk about it anyway but I just I was like what's what's happening what announcement am i pregnant um i'm the first to know yeah uh liz is my plastic surgeon and my

ob-gyn weird i can do everything yeah wow this barbie is every doctor she's every barbie um and i'm just ken um uh so me me and frank are moving in together which is wild so here's i if you're listening and you've been listening you're gonna be like you just met him yesterday um it's been eight months which was a quicker timeline than both of us were expecting but here's here's what happened um we had my leases up in june and so i was like well and he was also like we're not gonna wait that another year past june to move in together so like we're probably going to move in together in June so we started looking at places just kind of casually like because it was like fun to just dream and like oh yeah tour these

places and like knock some like do's and don'ts off of our list of like what we want and what we don't want and then a couple of weeks ago we were touring places and we like it was it was only a week ago wasn't even that long ago it would yeah it would that's true it was I guess only like a week ago this has all happened so fucking fast but we toured a place that we weren't even gonna like we were like oh we might as well because like we're near it and we scheduled this tour but like we're probably not gonna like it because like the pictures were just kind of blah we're like let's do it anyway and we fell in love with this place I thought it looked really cool it's dope and it's it's very different from anywhere I've ever lived it's an older building I mean

it's not much older but it was built in the 80s this place was built last year I guess a year and a half ago so that it was just like a different kind of vibe in there structural vibe yeah but it's huge and in our budget so um I mean those are two very appealing things absolutely and I was also moving in the winter is so smart because rent is usually lower oh that is smart and it's also I've moved in the summer every year and that fucking blows so because everyone's moving here because they're like wow it's beautiful I could ski year-round and then the winter comes yeah that's true and everyone's like give me the fuck out of here we just had daylight savings dude it gets dark at like 4 fucking 30 i fucking hate it anyway so um we just kind of jumped on the

opportunity and are moving in together and there are some other things happened as well that we don't need to get into that just kind of like we're like let's just move right now and it feels right and we're doing it it's wild though that it's happening so quickly because i thought that i had at least seven months to like think about it you know i told amelia this um and i'll just tell everybody else now uh a few months ago i think maybe it was around your birthday um mr liz was like how long do you think until they move in together and i was like well frank said like this amount of time and he's like that's not gonna happen and he's like i'll give it six months and i think he's right it's literally i was he was like i think it'll be under a year yeah i mean

six it's six months today since we've been like exclusive together and we just got our keys to this place so mr liz is pretty spot on and they've seen i mean you guys see each other every single day i just like i don't think this will be different no i don't think it'll feel pretty natural it's it's gotten to the point where like when he leaves my place at the end of the night or i leave his we're both kind of like this is so fucking stupid yeah you know like why like we should just be living together so we're moving in together y'all a lot quicker than 13 year old me ever thought i would be living with a boy so exciting i'm i'm super excited i we just toured the place again today and i'm like to do our walkthrough and i'm even more excited about it

than i was before before i was like i don't know it's kind of dark and old because the last tenants were moving out mr liz dropped me off at amelia's um because our place is just covered in boxes um it doesn't totally feel like that yet right now it just feels like his place and like a bunch of boxes full of my shit all the stuff i've unpacked is like it's the stuff that goes in cabinets and cupboards and closets so that makes a lot of sense yeah yeah but so it's not really it doesn't have the liz touch yet not yet but it will um and mr liz has good taste so his place is so nice it's not like looking around and being like yeah why do you have a flag for curtains that's such a real phenomenon remember when we talked about the croatian flag

yeah as wall decor god that was like episode three conversation anyway so yeah that's my announcement it's a big announcement i guess it's not entirely shocking um or like um i was thinking about it and i was like well because i was thinking about how long it took for me and mr liz to move in together and what a uh situation that was um and then i was like oh everyone's just like on their different on their own timeline and that's not something i would have originally thought like in my 20s but like totally this day and age i'm like if it were any faster we wouldn't be together probably no for sure everybody is on their own timelines it's a very like like i was saying and like you just said when i was younger i was like

the earliest i would move in with a guy is two years like and there was no wiggle room on that i was like i have to be sure that and i was with my ex for eight years and we never lived together so like i mean that if that's not an indicator of like when you know you know yeah yeah and i honestly if you weren't like confident about living together you wouldn't for sure absolutely i'm really excited to live with him it is just one of those things when you guys started dating it's like yeah yeah this is gonna happen soon yeah right i know i need to get out of the head space of like feeling like i need to defend it you know because like i honestly i literally didn't even think about like oh they like recently started dating yeah that wasn't even a thought

that i had i was actually just mostly surprised that you're breaking your lease early yeah that was the only thing I was surprised by because personally I am cheap and I'm not gonna pay to break my lease early dude it's so expensive I called my landlord like crying though I was so fucking devastated to be moving out I was like I'm so proud of this place and I love you and she's like texted me every day since like how are you feeling I fucking love her so cute but anywho so all exciting things but that's my update love it yay congratulations thank you congrats on getting all the way moved i mean like you're now you're like officially living together now that's yeah it's been almost well i've been staying the night there for more than a week but uh my all my shit

officially being in the place it's been a week tomorrow oh wow yeah you gotta have a little like oh we had date night on saturday and we were like cheers to our first week oh that's so sweet it was nice i love that um our next hot topic where i have come prepared with um some controversial yet brave takes as i promised last week i'm true uh we're overdue we have a listener email um asking for advice and i'm gonna read it to you while i eat my flatbread well while amelia eats and listen she didn't have time to eat before so she i will happily just like edit out your microphone if we hear any eating but no thank you so much the noise gate is pretty i'm doing i was just thinking how much you hate mouth noises too so i'm like really sitting far back well the noise

gate i think probably will cancel it out but that's good anyways um i'm gonna read amelia this email while she has dinner uh the subject line is my partner can't finish with me any advice hi ladies first of all thank you both so much for everything you do this podcast means so much to me and is so refreshing to listen to every week though i'm admittedly behind so it's more like every day right now oh my god imagine hearing our voice every day i do in my head voice notes yeah yeah this is a little side note sorry to interrupt this email at the very beginning of it um yesterday mr liz and i were watching sex in the city because he recently started watching season one by himself and i was like can we watch sex in the city i've never seen

it all the way through i've just seen like episodes here and there yeah um so we were watching it and like the four of them talking and saying all this like kind of dumb but really funny stuff to each other i was like this is actually like my inner monologue talking about like i love what i'm thinking and feeling and it's like you know charlotte's like well you can't have sex with them too soon or they'll think you're a slut like and i was like you do have that little piece in your head that is saying that all of us have the sex in the city cast living all inside of us lives all of those wolves in inside of you are four wolves and it's the sex in the city cast I feel like I feel like a Miranda I didn't realize big was in there from

the beginning you think you're Miranda I think I'm a Miranda or uh I think you'd be a combo of Charlotte and Samantha really I do I feel like a Miranda Samantha I'm more of a Charlotte right now oh because you're like in love you're nesting I'm nesting that's just how I'm remembering Miranda maybe not because Miranda's like How I'm remembering Miranda is she has a lot of phases. She has a lot of, like, different identities that she goes through. But she, like, dates the, like, weirdest dudes. And, like, we all, see, we all have, like, a piece of a Miranda in us.

Yeah, and that's what I'm, inside of us lives all of the Sex and the City wolves. We need to have, like, a shirt or a painting or something where it's four wolves at, like, a poker table. well as sex in the city characters we're gonna make that happen i love that new merch um let's get back to this email it really does feel like i'm just listening to my friends chat about sex and mental health and relationships in my living room that's what we're doing right now i'm writing to ask for a little advice if you have it and and not just you need to talk to your partner about it or you need to talk to your therapist about it because i have done both of those things and keep doing them honestly and I'm just looking for other options about what to do

or try if anything or maybe even thoughts about what's going on in my otherwise very happy relationship. My partner and I have been together for four years and it's honestly one of the healthiest relationships I've ever been in. I've put in a lot of work towards healing an anxious attachment style coupled with my own past traumas leading to a very recent adult autism and ADHD diagnosis who knew definitely not my parents lol damn that's parents they're like i don't know she just doesn't like the feeling of jeans kids are so funny kids are the darndest kids are silly she can't have adhd she just plays in her room for hours by herself we don't even have to check in on her

anyways my partner has been there through all of it um supporting me and loving me and just generally being a chill guy to mellow out my very much not chill vibe side note we're both libras and somehow it works that that's balance baby um we were long distance for six months about a year ago when i moved for work while he stayed behind until our previous lease ended and that came with its own challenges of course we made it through but honestly it sucked so bad I hated every minute of it yeah yeah it was good to live alone good to be alone and come to face to face with some of my own issues but I have never before felt so isolated and just plain lonely and of course there was always the pressure surrounding our visits to have sex because we have

such limited time together he's not into sexting or sending nudes which I tried to minimal response he finally moved to my new city about six months ago and things have generally been better dot dot dot until recently a related aside about six months prior to the start of long distance I was dealing with some triggers surrounding him consuming porn I have nothing against porn but I don't like watching it and I think it's really difficult to consume porn ethically in a relationship because at the end of the day your partner is paying to look at someone else's body I have just been I just have a really hard time processing that so we had a big conversation about it and it's never really been resolved we continue to talk about it and slowly I'm learning

why he watches it and also that he's working on watching less until the point he doesn't feel compelled to anymore because he knows I don't like it and he has basically said that porn is solely about getting off for him there is no emotional connection to it obvious I guess and it's something he does when he's stressed and needs to relax. He recently went through a really stressful job interview process, which he didn't get, so I'm sure his intake has been higher. He assures me that it doesn't have anything to do with my body, and he is in no way unsatisfied.

I'm working on listening to what he's telling me and believing him, thanks to past trauma for fucking me up in that department. But I'm having a hard time with it because of this. In the past three months, we've had sex exactly three times, and he has not once finished not a single time he makes sure that I do and shortly after that he taps out because he's so tired he assures me that he has a good time but I can't help but wonder what's missing the first time this happened I chalked it up to general fatigue on both our ends we were traveling I was starting my period etc the second time was on our four-year anniversary

and I cried in the bathroom afterwards because I was so emotionally raw and simultaneously euphoric from my own orgasm and profoundly upset that I could not him give I could not give him the same I finally told him about this situation which happened about two months ago sometime in early October we had sex for the third time about two weeks ago and same thing got me off tapped out shortly after without finishing this time I asked him about it and he said he was so in his head about needing to finish that finish for my sake that he couldn't I went and stressed him out so much with my feelings of inadequacy that he couldn't seal the deal so we talked about it and i asked him how often he masturbates his response three to four times a week so just to recap in the

past two months we've only managed to have sex three times he can't finish a single time but he's jerking off three to four times a fucking week to porn of course so this begs the question do you think he's being honest with me that i'm not lacking or fully satisfying to him he's telling me one thing but his actions show the opposite and it's really difficult not to take this personally. I struggle with body dysmorphia like most women and the porn industry in general tends to harm that in most cases so this just seems like another way to consume media that is perfect in a way that I could never be. At one point before long distance I had tried to make a private folder of nudes for him and shared it with him and he told me he never thought to use it. Doesn't that seem

a little like you're not what I want when I'm jerking off or is that just me I just feel so unwanted and unsexy which is generally an extreme contrast with his very long and affectionate demeanor or which is which is generally an extreme contrast with his very loving and affectionate demeanor I know he loves me but does he want me this didn't used to be a problem when we first started dating we could not get enough of each other we probably had sex three to four times a week and we didn't live together it seems like now he's replaced that with masturbation i'm not entirely opposed to less sex since we've been together so long and live together but we go months at a time these days and it always feels like it's on me to initiate another form of mental

load in a way anyway i've talked to both him and my therapist about this and nothing really seems to be solving the problem just processing my own emotions surrounding the problem and not his I'm hoping a fresh perspective might be able to offer some things to try if nothing else thanks for reading my rambly email and thank you again for listening and talking about the hardship all the best oh my god I have multiple thoughts yeah so my my initial my initial take and I know I know yours because we we talked about it briefly before but my my initial take is it makes a lot of sense that he wasn't able to come twice and then he realized that it was affecting you and so he put a lot of yeah it makes sense that he was in his head and yeah

I can't do that and that that makes a lot of sense because like I've heard that often from like a lot of people and like staying hard is another thing but like I it feels like kind of like a like a throwaway like well it's because like you were upset and like so i felt pressure to like come and it's like i'm sure that's part of it totally but it's like there's there are things that like can be done or at least like you know on his end to try to get to the bottom of like why and i'm i'm just about to go off so he's not even trying that's what i think i think he's not even fucking trying um i also think he has a porn addiction i think he has a porn addiction and then um for him to be like oh i'm trying to watch it less it's it's not you can just stop looking at

it yeah you you you can't get make yourself get to a point where you're like oh i don't really want this anymore you just have to stop yeah that's what it comes down to and um i know maybe this is coming on strong but like he first of all he needs to fucking try something because you have done so much you've done so much emotional labor you've been trying to problem solve this and you know what i'm gonna tell you it's not your problem to solve it's his yeah and that is like something so hard to tell yourself like well so then when are we gonna have sex there must be something wrong with me blah blah blah and you have this like internal monologue like because your your brain's just trying to make it make sense and the truth is there's nothing wrong with you i do

believe that he's telling you the truth i think that he is still attracted to you and like wants to have sex with you but i also think that he has a porn addiction and the way that men typically consume porn is very different than the way women consume porn yeah and like mr liz and i have talked about that too i was like well what is it like i guess like for you i was like does it change how you feel about sex and he's like yeah actually a little it would be interesting to understand too and maybe this is giving him too much credit and like I don't understand porn addictions as much as Liz does because you've done a lot of research on

it but like I would be curious yeah I would be curious to know like what if it's like a type of porn he's consuming that's like maybe something he wants to like try I definitely think it's worth trying to understand what type of porn

he's consuming but the way that your brain like consumes porn it it just makes you view sex differently um but i think the good news is is that it's very easily reversible literally all he has to do is not watch porn and not masturbate yeah right there's not like a dependence on it yeah i'm not saying like never do it i'm just saying like you need to get back in touch with your imagination and like i think porn is also one of those things

that like it's so easy to just kind of disassociate yeah while you're watching you're not connected to your body you're just doing it to have like a relaxing release you're not connected to your sexuality when that's happening yeah right and like there's just and to me like sex is supposed to be something that is like fun and creative and like it's it's like a fun collaborative thing in a relationship yeah um and porn really takes away from that if you're not consuming it in a way that is like changing your brain chemistry yeah you know what i mean totally i mean there's ways to consume porn where it's just like oh it's the middle of the day i need to like get my nut off like real quick you know what i mean like let me just like throw on some i mean maybe eventually

but i think that this guy needs to stop cold turkey totally yeah absolutely but i do think but i and i i completely agree with you i think that it needs to get to the point where like when you're addicted to something you can't just like consume it like in like little doses like here and there because like you never hear like someone who smokes cigarettes saying they weaned themselves off of it it's the same with like people who vape and want to quit vaping they just have to do it it's yeah it's just like it's one of those things that maybe one day he'll be able to like do it responsibly if he is indeed a porn addict like he'll be able to consume porn responsibly but like until then if this is what's going on like he's going to have to be

serious about stopping and you can't do that for him yeah and it comes down to if he cares about the relationship enough and I know that sounds a little controversial yet brave well it's it's it's tough love obviously I want our listener to like be having the best like experience that yeah they could be I also think that um like I also believe that our listener I believe when she says that uh this is the best relationship she's been in I'm sure he's a really great guy but that doesn't like mean this one thing isn't a sticking point because obviously it is yeah you know um but i think that something to check out and maybe you you check it out before you talk to him um it's called yourbrainonporn.com i think i've talked about this before too yeah um but it

just shows you all of the information about like studies and then i also like i looked this up on reddit because i know it's a discussion in different places um it was on ask men the subreddit a week ago uh and the prompt was men with porn addictions how does this affect your relationship with your girlfriend or wife and the top comment like voted the most um is the sex improved when i quit and uh then someone asked how so and then someone else replied this is a common phenomena the brain can't distinguish the models in porn from actual mates thus sex drive performance and attraction get lower you don't recognize when your partners are attracted to you and tend to not be as respective and giving to your partner's needs because your brain thinks you can have any

partner you want at any time but it's just like this question is full of comments like that this other top comment nearly killed our relationship led me to seek out worse things like massages basically i was at a crossroads we both did therapy i was in a men's group for sex addiction for six years been sober from porn since 2016 wow and i honestly i love seeing the honesty of men talking to each other and supporting each other like the comments under this are like i'm really proud of you you did well when it counted oh that is we need to see more of that so like obviously confronting someone that you're like i think you have a porn addiction it's hard for that to it's hard to have that conversation and i mean his initial reaction is gonna be no i don't like

that because that's like every oh yeah every guy is going to think that they don't have a porn addiction but it's just it becomes a slippery slope you know yeah with porn especially with porn addiction specifically um because then you just start to seek out more and more like novelty like that comment said like massages well novelty becomes it it can become dangerous yeah um and that's like also why uh and this is not to say that this is what is going to happen to your boyfriend but that's also why like um child porn is rampant is because people just kind of go down this hole of looking for novelty and shock um and then it just gets out of control like that it's so fucking scary i know well and i i'm also going to say the industry does not want us to call

it child pornography because pornography implies that it was consensual sex this child consented to it which is never the case um so it's technically referred to as c-sam child sexual abuse material wow that's what it is okay so fun little fact for everybody um but that's just like there are so many that's why watching porn can become a slippery slope and you don't think that when you're younger you're like because i think that there is this um third wave of feminism them that has also been like manipulated by patriarchy a little bit where it's like yeah we want women to own their bodies but only in a way that sexualizes them so then these people are still getting what they want yeah and that's another part of it and you don't you don't

realize that until you get older too right because you've just like seen more shit and you're like no no no yeah sure yeah i want you to wear whatever you want but also yeah you're doing this be aware right of who's giving you this message um damn so all of that being said i'm trying to think of what some tangible advice could be i think that you should do your own research into porn addiction check out that website yourbrainonporn.com um and then consider having a conversation with him and confronting him about it and not even saying do you think you have a porn addiction just coming out and saying it and then using some of the information as examples um and not not approaching the conversation in a way that is like pointing

a finger because i think it's very easy to feel ashamed of something like that yeah and to be in immediate denial and then request like i would i just want to see what what happens if you don't watch porn or masturbate for a month let's just see how it changes our sex life because i'm not happy yeah that would be a really interesting thing to do just to see if he's able to do it and that's also going to take like a lot of trust yeah that's going to be the honor system but if you can trust him to do that i think that's a great literally all he has to do is just not yeah and if he if he has some self-control he can do it and and also like i kind of just think that like your unhappiness is valid like yeah and it's a big deal absolutely it because

it's so easy to dismiss like women's like sexual unfulfillment yeah because that's the narrative were given women don't like sex right I mean like there was a line in this that that you said I went and stressed out I went and stressed him out so much with my feelings of inadequacy that that he couldn't seal the deal no you didn't do anything that's the thing right and it's like like you were saying like we women are like we're we're societally raised to like not think that like our experience in sex is important or like that we want it or blah blah blah blah blah blah so it's like and then you feel bad yeah about yourself when someone doesn't want to have sex with you because then you're told this whole fucking time like oh boy all boys want is to have

sex yep exactly it's like no they're just watching porn now yeah so i think it it it's time to have a harsh conversation and my the second piece of this is advice is going to be more of a pep talk um and it's that you're a bad bitch you're hot yep you you don't need this one person's approval for you to know that about yourself and um i would say like it's so much easier said than done too but like don't do anything don't do anything don't like try and initiate anything that's not your job anymore yeah it's not your job to try and manage this issue in your relationship and fix it and find a solution yeah you've you've done everything you can at this point it needs to be a team effort after a certain point and it hasn't been yeah he needs a little tough love

yeah and then you need to go out and do something that makes you feel attractive whatever that is or even and it doesn't even need to be feeling attractive just confident like yeah a hobby that you're good at or like going out with your girlfriends just just anything that makes you reminds you of your own independence and like that you don't need this relationship like of course you you love your partner you want this relationship to work um but you are still a whole person outside of this relationship yeah and when something like this is happening in a relationship it consumes you oh my god you feel so like lonely even though it's very common yeah like i've had plenty of girlfriends we have this exact conversation and i think that's also why i'm

so like no girl you need to go do this yeah you're right no but it's like it's it consumes you and also it turns into such a like the more and more that you let it marinate the worse that it gets or like the more it just turns into like a bigger and bigger monster and like that makes it even harder to like think rationally about it because it's it's such a thing yeah it's consuming you at this point well then your brain won't let it go it's trying to solve this problem so you just keep thinking about it and like that is also what your brain does it's gonna keep thinking about something until you get bored how should we conclude this listener portion I mean I your whole like pep talk i think is a good bow on it because really like like we were saying this it's all

consuming it's so hard to not feel like it's entirely something going on with you because like we want to fix things and the easiest thing to fix is what we're doing so it makes us feel more in control when it's like oh well i mean like this is i'm unattractive i stressed him out i i i i and it's in reality like you could fix things about yourself all day it's not the issue yeah I think refocusing and having a tough love conversation but also a empathetic conversation of like and I mean obviously honest instead of being like well it makes me feel unattractive blah blah blah like what's wrong with me refocusing on I think you have a porn addiction i would like to experiment if you're willing to do that for me and with me just so we can see

what changes because i've been doing all of the emotional labor and trying to problem solve this because it hurts me yeah this part of our relationship is hurting me and i need you to participate in trying to resolve it and this is how i want to try it and also maybe have a conversation about what type of porn he's looking at yeah right if you don't trust him go through his computer liz t-ball i mean go through the folders i don't know i don't know like they're they would just like open themselves yeah they just all opened i don't know i just like saw them because like i have eyes i don't know well i i also think that it would be an indicator if you're like what type of porn are you watching if he gets all weird and defensive about it that's a that's

something where it's like okay this is a this is raising a flag for me yeah you're very defensive about this and it's i think you might be ashamed of the type of porn that you're consuming yeah and i mean being ashamed is not the same as like doing something illegal yeah yeah so i used to watch old man porn are you serious yeah to get off to yeah but it was like it was the taboo of it it was like an old man young like like how old is this man amelia oh my god it depended on the porn but like it was you know no no no tell me the oldest upward of retirement age yeah oh my god but it was the it was the taboo of it you know what i mean it was like what are these what are they doing i i was thinking about this even before like i read this email like just how much i

there's so much i don't like about porn because it's so corny yeah and ridiculous and then i'm just like how are people consuming this and they're like ah yes yeah this is like real life i think that that's why so many people skip the context that's why it's important for me to find porn with a good storyline even even it needs to be a believable story yeah they have to know they're in love the coen brothers need to direct the porn i watch i just i just like i don't like the unbelievability of it i don't like the like fake sounds and just like the things that you see in porn too you're like that doesn't even feel good yeah and what are we doing here yeah they're making something that is like enjoyable by nature into just like a gas station experience

it's theater the whole thing is theater if you that's true you know if you think about it if you think about sex as sushi like the best sex of your life that is just like the two of you are attuned to each other and you're like curious about each other's interests that's like the best fanciest sushi you can get malibu nobu and then porn is the gas station version of sushi yeah that's how i feel about it fuck because afterwards you're like oh i don't feel good that's so true the post not what did they eat the that is so fucking real I know I came in with a lot of heat and passion but it's because you've lived it I've lived it and I like I want the best for everybody yeah especially in this situation because I know what it's like to do the emotional

labor over this specific issue yeah and it sucks yeah right yeah it sucks it's exhausting and when especially when you feel like you're alone in it yeah and when you go on reddit you see all of these men who are talking about how they were addicted to porn and how it fucked up their lives right and and like their ability to have sex yeah you need to get back in touch with your imagination and your body yeah and your partner i think reading about how common it is too is kind of comforting yeah exactly because then you feel like well because it's embarrassing to talk about a little bit yeah to your girlfriends of like um we're having like problems with sex because like i think he's addicted to porn yeah or like this is all of the context she shared with us yeah

there's shame that comes along with that yeah so it's hard to talk about and then also it's like your friends might be experiencing the same thing and not know how to solve it so then when you go online and you see men actually addressing it and they've like talked about how they've solved it themselves the answer is always the same and it's just that they stopped watching porn and they masturbated way less fuck it feels like such an easy solution it really is it's super tangible so yeah it's gonna come down to him if he's gonna give it a shot that's a beautiful bow on that list yeah thank you i hope please follow up with us and let us know what you decide or how things pan out

because i'm just curious i just called you liz t bow sorry i missed it no no i was just i'm glad that you did and i don't know why i repeated it that's why i was making the face that i was making i was like what just happened did i say something wrong i hated it anyway sorry and continue yeah keep us updated if you want to i would love to hear how this is all panning out because i do think too this conversation this email is probably going to help a lot of people that are listening to because it's so common yeah um so yeah share updates if you if you want you don't have to but you also literally don't have to do anything either of us said right because it does come with its own set of unpredictable and you know your partner so much better than we do yeah in terms

of how he's going to react and everything so yeah that's our that's our disclaimer that's our small print i'm i'm just genuinely curious because i don't know anybody who's been able to like solve it yeah no except for people who take the initiative on reddit fuck yeah should we should we wrap this yeah i think we should our these conversations went on longer than either of us we had another topic today that'll be next week which is good because i need more time to research it anyway yeah well let's just give a teaser okay we want to talk about the britney spears autobiography my queen i listened to the whole thing on audiobook what yeah i listened to it on audiobook does she narrate it no it's narrated by michelle williams

shut the fuck up that's cool and then she has like a little intro where she talks about like she's like this brought up a lot of trauma for me so i'm not obviously going to read this but thank you to michelle williams for being the narrator i love britney it's it's just shocking is it i mean like i'll just say this like i'm a little frustrated with the frenzy around justin timberlake um because what's so much more is just like the trauma that she experienced in her childhood and the parentification and how her family abused her like yeah and then continued to throughout her life yes exactly well they especially abused her after she became famous yeah britney fucking spears and when you're listening to it you're like

she's britney fucking spears like i can't believe this yeah but we literally watched a woman be enslaved in front of our eyes and when you listen to it you'll understand or read it I'm definitely gonna listen to it I didn't even think about listening to it I prefer listening to audiobooks because then you can do other things yeah exactly you can like listen to it and then you can like go clean yeah so fun I love that I need a little company I need a break from my true crime but there were so many times where my jaw was just on the ground and I was like yelling at nobody so I was like are you fucking kidding me I will say one of the things that made me lol but was also fucking ridiculous was when um justin timberlake made her get an abortion and then

came and laid with her on the bathroom floor and just started playing guitar that is the most out of touch hilarious thing i've ever heard literally writhing in pain because the abortion is happening yeah and he's like what if i just like that's such a ken thing to do yeah literally it's just like i wonder if greta gerwig secretly knew that i mean um oh my god who played ken and then he like pointed the finger at her like you cheated on me right when he was cheating the entire relationship uh-huh ryan not ryan gosling ryan gosling he was in the mickey mouse club with them yeah which so you know maybe he had a little bit of insight they were all friends there were a lot of similarities between jessica simpson's autobiography and britney's autobiography

it's not surprising at all yeah it's it's really sad it's not surprising but it's shocking yeah i'm i'm really proud of britney and jessica but that's what we want to talk about more next week she just got pulled over for speeding in her neighborhood good for her because i saw the body cam footage she's listening to uh charlie xcx oh yeah just oh bobby you're so fine you're of mine you blow my mind oh hell yeah just fucking ripping it through her neighborhood it's hard to not speed when you're listening to that song to be honest and she's pretty she has places to be she should be allowed to speed she's like i'm britney fucking spears yeah i just came out with an autobiography yeah look at the fuck up can you imagine being the cop he pulled her over twice

within like a three month span can you imagine being a cop that pulls britney spears over twice and has to ask for her license i bet he pulled her over the second time just because he was like starstruck yeah he's like hi sorry i didn't hey britney i said something i was you're going embarrassing last time fast what's up just wanted to say hi and maybe slow down a little yeah can i get an honor roll yeah i'll take a selfie can we take a picture together oh my god that's my queen anyways anyways we'll talk about that next week uh well meows you want to play us out are you breathing down there sister she is tapped out can i give you an intro and you can play us out yes it's gonna be like a piano intro we love you

couldn't find a note that woke me i was up she was like looking back and forth like what the this is the worst thing i've ever had a nightmare it was just it was very like 1920s yeah she's like i'm trying to go back onto the street all right okay bye