The Hoely Hour - E18 Buttplugs & Heartbreaks

Episode Date: November 11, 2020

Buttplugs & Heartbreaks—it's not Beerbongs & Bentleys but it's close! Seriously though, have you considered some booty jewelry? Liz recommends you bedazzle that b-hole. AND seniority isn't a reason to stay in a relationship sis! Do you deserve a middle management boyfriend? Or the whole ass CEO of your heart? Amelia has some piping hot tea on her ex's bad behavior and why she decided to talk about it on TikTok. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Oh, okay. Cheers. Welcome to the holy hour. I'm Amelia Sampson and I'm Liz Ball and we're recording for the first time what has it been three weeks yeah it's been like three weeks but it's wild it almost feels like even longer i know it really really does it really does we got a new uh holy water guys it is liz just invented it yeah it's so good it's um vodka and a lime white claw and this like pomegranate syrup holy fuck it's pomegranate syrup yeah or like a juice it's pomegranate juice and i only did a tiny bit oh my god it looks pretty too if we ever go on tour that's what we'll serve at the bar so good yeah tito's vodka the only way to go fuck yeah i don't know why it's

the an elite vodka i don't know either because like whenever i order it at a bar and i say like let's do tito's i'm feeling fancy i always get like a face from the waitress it's because that's like such a white girl drink that's true another white bitch ordering tito soda wow groundbreaking with 11 limes oh my god i only order lemons now i only i love lemon me too i don't like limes and vodka well vodka has ruined limes for me like every time tequila has ruined limes for me oh my god i drank tequila over the weekend when i was in oregon people are like can we get you to take a shot and i'm like no yeah it's awful it's just like no i my body fully rejects whenever i take a shot of tequila my body's like get it out now like immediately it's like a defense

yes mechanism like we don't have good memories of this no so um a tangent I want to go off on really quick is I'm scared I had tweeted this in response to something like a while ago but I've been thinking about it I think that a lot of the times like women are like I'm gonna stay in this relationship with this bum ass because I've already put so much time into this don't even get me started and it's kind of like okay it's called the peter principle what yeah so the peter principle is like you get promoted until your level of like maxing out like that's the best you'll ever be like if you ever have a manager that you're like how the fuck did you get this job they're like a middle manager usually yeah it's the peter principle they did well at

everything else and then they've been promoted to a position where they can no longer succeed past that and just applied the peter principle to these men he's maxing out at boyfriend girl he is not fiance material he is not husband material sometimes he just the best he can do is being your boyfriend for a few months it's the peter principle the peter principle of dating god that's fantastic i've never heard yeah just because he has seniority doesn't mean he's right for the job girl that is so fucking i want to get peter principle tattooed on me somewhere that's amazing yeah so i've been thinking about that a lot lately it's just like this is the it's the peter principle of dating like sometimes they max out at boyfriend that i seriously love

that but that's such a real thing of like i spent so much time on this i don't want to give up on it now it's that is that's called the sunk cost fallacy where it's like all you don't want all the work that you've put in to be for nothing and that's so fucking universal like when you're with somebody for so long it's like we can't give up on it now we're so hard on it it's like no maybe you got it you peter principled out my guy if i and then if i kick him to the curb some other girl is gonna reap the benefits of my hard work i think about that constantly that's not true that's not true it's not I gotta keep reminding myself of that too I gotta keep reminding myself of it because you really do like the amount of work that I put into my house like the amount of pain that I

went through to like make I didn't like I don't want to take credit for all the work that he did because he did a lot of work on himself but still like I went through the hell of him like getting to be the person that he is now and now somebody else just gets to like get the best versions of him uh-uh but what about you like he he broke your heart and then you were like oh wait I'm too good to be treated like this yes so now i'm gonna go find someone who can meet my expectations yes indeed and i got high ass expectations so watch watch out world and then some people just have different expectations yeah you know yeah so maybe that man needs to be in a different career field maybe he does he can go be someone else's husband because it's easier for him to

meet those job requirements peter principle the peter peter principle but sound words of advice um i was also hoping we could talk about butt stuff i am into that idea i'm gonna crack another one for this conversation have some butt stuff what updates some butt dates for you i can't okay hold on i cannot believe that you and i have not really because we usually are talking constantly and these last few weeks we've both been so busy i'm so behind on your life did you do butt stuff um kind of yeah so to to start it off guys i make a lot of jokes about butt stuff i but i've not experienced in it at all so uh to summarize when my boyfriend was home visiting family obviously we were sexting duh as you do yeah

as a tradition sexting your boyfriend when he's out of town um but i thought it would be fun if he like gave me like sexy tasks every morning so that's what we did and it is very fun I highly recommend like if you guys are long distance or like someone's gonna be gone for a while like if you're like one of you is like okay I want you to do this sexy task I don't know and so he gave me a different one every morning and then he was like if you complete and he gave some of them like extra credit and then if I completed every single one by the time he came back then I would get a special surprise and I was like oh my god a gift I'm gonna work my ass off and then um I was like I kind of want to know what it is but I kind of like the idea of you keeping it a secret and he

was like I think if I told you you'd work even harder and I was like well you know I'm gonna do all the things already so but he didn't tell you no we kept it a secret i was like i was like okay don't tell me because i'll be more excited when you do yeah and i was i was stoked but um yeah and for those of you who are wondering what the surprise was it was just like a week a romantic weekend together the best which is tbd we'll plan it later like i both of us need to be home for a while yeah sure um but anyways one of the tasks was to purchase a butt plug your face my jaw just hit the ground and wait do you how can i see it yeah this is exciting i've never seen a butt plug in my life i have to find it hold on okay i'll be right back it's

like gonna take a long time for you to find it don't worry about it i have a sex drawer okay oh i mean of course as one does as as it's true oh it's in a nice little it's a nice little velvet bag you guys well it's smaller than i thought it was gonna be what i was expecting well some butt plugs are big but this is the one i got oh it's pretty did you order it online yeah i got it on amazon oh my god but yeah it's i got a really small one well obviously yeah wow it's like pretty yeah I want it to be cute yeah right buttholes are already kind of weird to look at totally I don't know um can you explain like what the benefit of a butt plug is um I feel like I don't know I've heard plenty of women say that they like come from anal wow yeah oh yeah I

practiced by myself um before like using it because I was nervous to try it for obviously of course and then um i just wanted to like know how to use it before and like also maybe i would hate it yeah so i just was like you know what i'm gonna have some me time and figure it out so i also googled how to put in a butt plug yeah for the first time you have to be like super relaxed yeah yes like otherwise it's like that is the the key to it is being relaxed and also i would recommend like you know some foreplay before putting in it you got to be in the mood because then you're a little more relaxed you're a little more prepared totally and then um yeah i lubed it up the first time i put it in i was like ow yeah it's a very sensitive land i removed it very

quickly and then i was like okay i'm gonna take a break for like maybe an hour do some research uh do a little googling go to the library look at a little bit of porn yeah and and then get myself in the mood to to try something new and then that's when it was like a little more enjoyable okay using it yeah so i was way more comfortable with it it was definitely a lot more fun i like masturbated with it in and i came like instantly really i was surprised it snuck up on me very quickly wow I was just like having a good time and then suddenly I was having an orgasm wow I was like oh I see the appeal so then when he came home we used it and like it was just a lot of fun I think it just the idea of like of it in general was already very appealing and kind of

like hot to both of us is just like it's more of the yeah the idea that like he assigned me this task and then like absolutely I did and then we're gonna use it yeah um absolutely that was definitely like some mind-blowing sex oh so you had sex with it and that was my next question yeah yeah so I did that like too much like was that like a lot of uh actually no okay surprisingly not wow yeah I felt great that's amazing uh-huh this is a field that I know literally nothing about so I'm learning right yeah I mean I was learning too and still am we've only used it the one time but i was like i need to talk about this butt stuff experience because yeah i'd like i'd always been kind of curious and um like your butt your your butthole is so sensitive so

sensitive like i've had a finger in there and i didn't like it so i was just like never add any i mean i've been i've been curious so i've been like hey why don't we like you know if stuff's heating up like why don't we try a finger yeah like why not yeah just slip well so many girls were like hey have your boyfriend slip slip his thumb in there okay like a few years ago okay grandpa loves this conversation silence like i got i got things i have an opinion um i watched no oh my god yeah he's like um third party here i have things to say um i've had a few guys ask me if if i want them to put their finger in my butt and i'm like it's a one-way street for me but i'm also not i just like want to be really comfortable with

the person that i try it with for the first time like i don't know exactly i don't know like there's so many horror stories about like butt stuff like it just kind of loosens everything up and then you just like shit everywhere i don't want i don't want to sit everywhere i'm just like on a one-night stand with this guy you know stop yeah so that's my i'm i wow but stuff wow well Because we haven't really talked about sex in a while. No, we haven't. So I was like. That's true.

We haven't. My parents have been able to listen to the last three episodes. Well, there's some butt stuff. Hey, guys. Some butt stuff in sight. I keep looking at it like it's like. Like it's going to like come out of its little bag. It has a nice little bag.

Did you order it from Amazon? It was very cheap. Yeah, I ordered it from Amazon. I ordered a different one, too, but it wasn't going to come very quickly. Like it was going to be. So to speak. the plug didn't come quickly but i did no so uh i ordered one from like some other website and then um when that one came in so i ordered it to my boyfriend's house because i was gonna be moving

and i was like i don't want it to get mixed up with all this hey i used to live in this building i ordered a butt plug i think it's in the lobby you uh forward that to me or something no so i sent it to his house and then we like opened it together and it's so big i was like what the fuck is that the smallest size they had um no it was just really pretty oh so i was like oh i want a cute one yeah i think it's like rose quartz or something wow yeah and so i was like oh i want this cute butt plug yeah and so i ordered that one first and then i was like okay i won't be here for a while so then i ordered the amazon one because i couldn't wait i was like i need to try this now but i keep not wanting i'm too curious now i have to know right i have like a

like delayed gratification issues like i keep ordering shit from amazon because i was like i want it in the next three hours the amazon one was very cheap yeah and very small yeah so that's really nice yeah but um we opened it and i was like this is significantly bigger than the other one and i was like their reviews said like this is their first one and they liked it and he's like they probably like like put those reviews first and i was like oh yeah that's true they are on the website so yeah maybe i'll work my way up there yeah you might you might otherwise i'll just have this nice uh rose quartz but for aesthetic that is hilarious yeah make it like a little like yeah decoration i mounted on the wall i also love the idea of like no one knowing

what it is yeah somebody's gonna come into your apartment be like is that a butt plug like no it was my grandmother's this is a family heirloom yeah how dare you it's a meditation stone where you want to put it is none of my business yeah right if you want to make it a butt plug by all means maybe i'll buy one now i'm curious i'm gonna have this whole sexual awakening soon i feel it i feel it in the air girl that's what i had yeah i know you did i i know i i am like looking at you as like a beacon of hope for me and my and my sex future because like right now i'm hooking up with somebody and it's the best sex i've ever had by far consistently every single time and i feel like there's like a step that like i i'm like about to take in my sex life

and like i'm seeing all this like exploration you're doing because the sex is unbelievable but i'm not doing any sort of exploration i'm young yeah i want to explore a little it's and it's more encouraging when you're like with someone that you feel very comfortable with that you're like okay i feel safe like yeah exploring this yeah yeah totally that's the best yeah it's the best it feels like a little safe space well we'll see a sexual safe thing yeah well and like i also think that it's encouraging when like um this is the exact reason we have this podcast like if you have friends talking about it and being like yeah i've done this and i liked it then you're like well maybe i will like that yes absolutely i'm

gonna try it i'm always down for a good time yeah in the bedroom yeah why not i mean like sex for me has always been kind of like just a thing uh until more recently wow that's like within the last like year yeah wow it's like an like an experience for you now rather than just like a thing that like it for a while it felt like maybe like a little bit of an obligation it never felt like i was an equal player yeah and having sex that's huge um and i don't blame my partners for that like i think uh that's definitely like my own thing that i had to work through and it's definitely because of like how my ex treated me yeah um yeah but now I don't feel that way at all like yeah it feels like it's for both of us that's incredible

when sex is for you as well it's such an empowering thing I don't think that I ever expected that like oh I'm here because like I like this is also for me husband not even just like empowering in like a sexual sense it's like empowering in a lot of senses and like the moment that you have a partner that like allows you to feel empowered and that you feel comfortable enough with yourself that you can feel empowered it changes everything sex entirely changes it's it's like i don't know it's a cool experience yeah it's not just like yeah we fucked i think a lot of people i think that we are also a little lucky like living in seattle around so many open minded yeah that's real that's so bad um like it has been easier for me to work through the

experiences i've had in the past of like men getting mad at me for not wanting to oh my god what the fuck is that like my ex expecting it and then like mistreating me when i didn't want to have sex because i got to the point like before we broke up i never wanted to have sex i just remember like sometimes you just want to make out you know and like we'd be kissing or like he'd have his hand on my leg and i just would immediately like tense up because i knew he was gonna start like pawing at me for sex and it was never romantic and it was never for me and i was just like that's don't want to fucking do this it's like you don't even want to start making out with them because of that exactly yeah that's exactly how i felt or even like spooning it's like

spooning is gonna mean something it's like no sometimes i just like want other things that is on the nose that is always how i felt and so it took me a while to be like okay like i just want to have like a really passionate makeout session with this guy but like i don't want to fuck is that too much to ask no and most people are very reasonable you have been going through the last time we recorded you got an email from your ex okay literally right when we were done recording this is liz had to watch me have a panic attack and that was a whole thing i as someone who was witnessing it i was like fuck i don't know i need to help i just sweet i probably seemed like i was like uh just waiting it out but i was like uh i was googling how to help someone having

so sweet i was like play it cool don't let her know that you're panicking i had no idea i thought maybe you were just like watching me and honestly like having no I was like I'm not gonna look I'm just gonna let her have the panic attack it helps to have it around somebody because there's almost the added pressure of being like you got to pull it together quick because you're gonna scare this person even though I knew I wasn't going to I was still like like Amelia like Liz's I'm in Liz's apartment having a full panic attack and I was thinking like if I was home when that and I'll get into the story but if I was home when that happened like last time I had this whole like episode with him specifically like i went into a well i like blacked out for 45 minutes like that

was the biggest panic attack i've ever had that's when you were in florida right i was that was when my parents were in florida so i was home oh and then they were like you need to come out here yeah and that was when i got um my xanax prescription re-upped because i called my mom 16 times in the middle of the night and she woke up thinking like i died and i was screaming at the top of my lungs for like an hour yeah but my neighbors weren't home thank god because we live in townhouses so we like share a wall with the neighbor my mom was like if the neighbors were home the cops would have gotten called for sure because i was like it was bad um so luckily i was with you this time so i could like pull it together and then i went that's totally happened to me

where i'm like i'm about to have a panic attack but then other people are around you're like okay i i'm gonna find a thing to focus on and like catch my breath yeah grounding really helps that's the thing it's like okay what can i see what can i hear what can i smell like that's what has been working for me but also the last time i had a panic attack just in general not about him i was in my therapist's office and she watched me have it so she could tell me what i do when i have a panic attack which was really helpful the best person to watch i was like this is perfect yes let's just let's just ride this one out um she told me that when i have a panic attack i like like breathe in a lot but i never breathe out and so like it gets me lightheaded and then like

keeps amping up the panic attack so i was able to like like breathe out too which helps a lot um so anyway it was kind of cool to like be able to talk myself down from it yeah which was good that's huge it was nice so anyway so getting into the story so i haven't really talked about my ex much on the holy hour because like out of respect for him because I it's really easy to find out who he is if you don't know me but I've since cleared out everything from all of my social media that has to do with him yeah that's huge I know archived all of his photos I made all of my photos on Facebook private just so like I blocked him on Facebook but still like he had commented a bunch I guess um somebody messaged me it was like hey just so you know it's like really easy to find

out like who he is just based on like comments like you know so I like did a whole scrub so I feel safe talking about it now last time I talked about him was that I was stopping dating so that I could focus on getting over him and then I saw him soon thereafter and um it was like I don't even want to get into how it happened but basically like we saw each other and he made a move and he like did all this shit to make me feel like he was progressing with me and like how he was feeling about me and like wanting to try again so i got in my head again for the first time in a year that he was interested in like sparking things back up i love you to each other yeah i mean he was saying like i love you on the phone he was saying stuff like he doesn't want to lose me

and like he doesn't want to see me with anybody else like all this shit so um can i please jump in yeah so obviously like i knew all this and then other people listening don't know this and then when you got that email from him it was cold-blooded oh yeah it was insanely cruel well yeah so that brings us to my heart dropped into my stomach honestly the fuck that was the fucking worst i'll speed up the story because it could like it could take like literal weeks to talk about it because there's so much context um but like over like the last few weeks after i'd seen him we were talking quite a bit he was saying stuff like he doesn't want to be with me but he doesn't want to be with anyone like it's not me he just wants to like focus on himself he just

started feeling good and so he just wants to like foster that feeling and focus on himself so then I asked him if he ended up getting involved with someone else to tell me because I don't want to hear through the grapevine that he's with someone else finding out like finding out because they didn't tell you fucking sucks so much worse well and the last time he started dating someone um Amelia had a bad feeling about that girl but then also someone kept like anonymously messaging Amelia about it yeah like yeah I don't why is that a thing I don't know like the anonymous messages I don't know that is the thing that keeps happening to you I also don't know how because I've been looking up like how to send anonymous messages because like is there an

app like could I track out like who it is through the like an app but there's no app so I think it's what's like somebody makes just like a blank account and then deletes it after they see that I read the message because I can never answer and when you click through the profile it doesn't exist but I got a message back um in what was that January from somebody that was just like hey your ex is dating enter name here just thought that you should know and so I had to message him and say hey like I got this like I just sent him a screenshot and he was like can I call you and that was like two months after we broke up after and we were on a break like a whole Ross and Rachel situation so that was pretty shitty but anyway so um this cold-blooded email the last

time they recorded so yeah that brings us to now where I asked him if he was dating somebody else if he could just tell me and he said I don't think that that's healthy and I said I just would rather not find out through the grapevine that's all that I want I just want to find out from you all I'm asking for is honesty all I've asked for for the last year is honesty he was like okay yes we can agree on that I need space because my dad's coming to town I said okay a week later I started to notice that he was removing all of my friends as followers on Instagram and he was private and I was like that's a little shady what's going on and then I got a screen recording from somebody of his story and he was with the girl that he was dating back in January

it was like a picture of them at a wedding my eyebrows are up to my hairline like yeah it was a very coupley photo and so i texted him and i was like what the fuck dude like what like what is going on um he never answered and then i called him the next day sunday when we were recording and it went right to voicemail so i knew that he had blocked my number and then i called from a blocked number and it rang so i like confirmed that and then i emailed him like a fucking psycho because it's like how the hell like what are you are you just going to fade into the mist and just like expect me to be okay with that and yeah like right like i mean i love you i want to be with you not right now but yeah right i don't want to be with anybody

was his exact his exact words um and when I asked him if he would tell me if he was with someone he said that he wasn't at that point so I'm not like I'm not like with them physically like they're not sitting next to me yeah is that what you mean yeah that's what you're asking right okay I love you that's good enough right yeah I love you when we when we hung up the phone after that conversation he said I love you when we hung up the phone he said it first so anyway I hate him so I emailed him and I was like what is going on like did something happen like are you upset at me about something like I'm freaking out just tell me what I did wrong and then like I'll leave you alone like I'm getting your message loud and clear he didn't answer for like three hours I have actually

I don't even need to read the email because I've memorized it by now right after we like hit stop on recording our Halloween episode I get the notification that he emailed me back and all it said was this is after nine years you guys nine years this is how he decided to end it he says amelia after a lot of time and thought i've realized where my heart is and it is not it is not with you please do not contact her or i anymore i need to be happy and so do you i wish the best for you i truly do first of all why the fuck would i ever reach out to her i've never in my life reached out to like an ex's new girl and he knows that that's not in my nature so like first of all that's fucked up second of all like I feel like it's probably him trying to get in front of

like you being like hey by the way on this day we hooked up and he said I love you to me right which you know I easily could because that's fucked up because a lot of people are like I bet he cheated on her with you absolutely yeah and a lot of people are also saying that they think she wrote the email but I'm like I don't know like I think that she was probably applying some sort of pressure but I don't think she wrote the email I don't know who knows I have I'll never know literally almost the exact fucking thing happened to me like yeah a year and a half ago or maybe just a year ago I don't know the icing out is the most inappropriate fucking way to end a long relationship it is so immature and it would be one thing if like I was just like trying really

really hard to get back together with him and he was like giving me no signs and then he like needed to block me because I was crazy like he was giving me these indications that like he was moving along romantically with me and it was like what I had been working hard at for like a while at that point so I never answered I wrote a very long email like in my notes section back to him that I was like for what like he's probably not gonna read it um and I was like I just need to give myself closure because I'm never gonna have context that I need I'm never gonna know what happened I'm never gonna know the truth of it and like that's the worst part yeah the hardest part and it's the worst part is not knowing right I have nothing and then it's like okay clearly you

don't have the maturity to just tell me the fucking truth yeah so congratulations for making this even harder seriously it's it was so cruel we've said this so many times the easiest and best thing you can do is just tell the truth yes even if it hurts tell the truth yeah yeah because now I have the pain of like what happened and also the pain of being betrayed and like this was a betrayal on so many fucking levels like it was just so it's so fucked up that like he would think that nine years we grew up together like we dated all through college and then like three years after college he think he's he's punishing me for the audacity yeah oh god i asked for some space um back in fuck what was that september of 2019 just for like like a sec because like he had asked

for a couple of breaks in the past and I took him back right away and I never made use of this of the space like I I was worried about what he was doing the whole time while he was like fucking like gallivanting off um and he started dating her like fuck like immediately like he jumped ships so fucking fast after telling me that he was gonna wait and so I started dating and that was when I like really hit the ground running with dating and then he found out that I was dating through the holy hour what's up he was like wait you're dating other people right like oh sorry like I'm just think I'm gonna like wait around like while you're creating this new life no that's not how it fucking works what is so like surprising to me about this whole thing

is like I feel like I've like I was hypnotized it's such a weird feeling I know exactly what you mean I like the second like I got that email who were either of us yes exactly and it was almost instant I was like what the fuck have I been doing like it was so it was so weird and like for the first time in nine years literally I feel like I'm making decisions for myself like even when I was like dating and like meeting all these amazing guys there's still a part of me that was like I have to keep myself like semi available like just in case he comes back and like for the first time I'm like making choices for myself like even stupid shit like posting pictures on Instagram like just like for me and like not in case like he sees it you know what I mean like

i'm making decisions like completely like as an individual for the first time and it's it's weird because you recognize you're like fuck that was like that behavior was so influenced by these feelings i didn't even want to admit to myself yes yes and like when you're hypnotized to that level it's just like once the fog is gone you're just like what well yeah what the fuck was i doing and like i was putting so much energy into some somebody that i didn't even know anymore like the person that i broke up with in last year is an entirely different person than the person that sent me that email and that is very scary i don't even recognize it's insane that you're saying this right now because i was going through an old notebook it might even be i don't know it's over

there um i was going through this old notebook uh to find a piece of paper to like just write my grocery list on and i found a letter i had written to my ex and um it was like i had never sent it to him or obviously it's still in his notebook but like um i had written like i the person you have become is not the person i fell in love with and i like don't recognize you anymore and that's terrifying to me and it's true like um he just was not like he had become this person that was like so different than the person I fell in love with yes and then you stick around because you're like I know that person's there uh-huh yeah sometimes they're not yeah that's exactly right it sucks because like and I've I think I've said this on the podcast before I might have been edited

out because like I hadn't ever really wanted to talk about him but like he loved me exactly how I felt that I deserved to be loved and then more like he loved me so much and I loved him so much and like to have to separate my brain from that version of him has been really really painful because like he was like my absolute best friend and I and that was another big reason I didn't want to talk about him on the podcast because like I respected him so much and like I loved him so much and like the blatant lack of respect that he has shown me like just in the past two months like since I saw him has been it's it is like he is no longer there yeah well and he got like upset that you had this podcast which is a big red flag to me I was like okay he's so jealous of

you having a thing without him and um another thing that I had seen in the letter I had written to my ex he I I had forgotten that he had said this to me but he was like he would he kept saying like um you're always going to be part of me and then I was like I don't want anything I've done or like I don't want any piece of me to be part of who you are now because who you are now is atrocious I don't want any association with the person you've become wow and um I don't think I ever said that to him either but that's what I had written in that letter I was just like I don't want to be a part of the version you are now like and I think that's also like a testament to how much um I've changed like and how much he's changed obviously but it's just like I've

I don't know yeah you just grow in different directions from people yeah yeah I mean like you've you outgrow people for sure and that was pretty obvious when I moved to Seattle and then he i think i honestly think he always knew after i agreed to move that he was not going to meet the expectations i have for how i want to be treated and um he's like married now and he's married to the girl he rebounded with and cheated on so i think that you know her agreeing to marry him despite him cheating on her um that's something I would never do yeah I would never stay with or forgive someone for doing that and he found someone who will allow that and like that's the kind of partner he needs is someone who will forgive that behavior but that's not me

yeah and it doesn't need to be me yeah so absolutely I think like that's probably more of a more extreme example of like why it never would have worked yeah but he gave me so many reasons to not trust him i don't have a doubt in my mind that he probably cheated on me like i'll never know the truth yeah but i mean like fuck like when someone says um you're the only person i've never cheated on yeah like okay well statistically you're lying to me yeah right and you're a man of math uh yeah how about you do the math for me on that one my guy you pulling a trump on me or yeah right it kind of sounds like it that's awful okay so i've been cheated on in almost every relationship i've been in so the the math is kind of against me

we'll find you a different one oh my god when you're ready i know well now so like when i talked about like so this is kind of this is probably not right to say but like I really am very focused on like myself and like getting to know myself right now and I'm 100% dedicated to that but last time I talked about him I was like not gonna date anyone like I need to focus on getting over him and like I feel over him but like not not over the situation I'm not over the relationship yeah but I'm not like I can for the first people keep asking me like what if he came back tomorrow and ask for you back and i can confidently say this ain't the motherfucking course bride yeah goodbye bye i know this is gone the first time in nine years that like i would

that's the best feeling too yeah when you're like uh when my mom told me that my ex was engaged she was like did you ever think you would get back together with him and i was like absolutely not like it got to a point where i was like i would never take him back mm-hmm not there's nothing he could do or say that would fix anything that's such an empowering fucking feeling and when you get there you're like i'm glad and there's always gonna be steps that like there's gonna be something that happens that is gonna put you even more on the right path even more where you're like oh i need to work on this yeah yeah internally and like the more you do that and work it out in your head the further along you are and like i still don't forgive my

ex and i also don't i'm like at peace not having to forgive that's the thing i think you can i think you can move on peacefully without like forgiving the person who hurt you and that's that is a powerful fucking move to to be like i do not forgive you and it does not bother me that i don't like that's huge yeah it's huge because i really don't think i'm gonna ever gonna forgive my ex like what he's done and like i think for sure i i'm feeling very empowered right now but And if you forgive him, I won't. So somebody will be around to remind me. Someone will never forgive him.

If you're listening. I'm not God, but I'll never forgive you. I bet he is listening. I bet somebody is going to tell him about this. So my favorite thing that Amelia has done with this breakup is she started just like sharing how she was doing on TikTok. It's been such a great thing for me. badass is that to just be like fuck it i am not okay and i'm gonna talk about it and i don't i don't care if you don't want people to know like if you don't want to know if you don't want people

to know that your behavior sucks then don't do it yes like you can't be like oh i'm gonna treat you like shit and i hope you don't tell anyone fuck you no you don't you don't know no you're so right like if you don't want people to talk about your shitty behavior then don't do shitty things yeah exactly period the thing about him is like he every time he did something shitty and i was like that's shitty he would be like oh no it's not like he would gaslight me like making a move on me when i saw him i asked him about that and he was like oh it just felt natural it didn't really mean anything that is gas lady you don't get to tell me the experience that i had was not true because you don't want to take responsibility for it period and so i started this thing on

TikTok where the night that he sent me that email I was at home alone and I was I was sitting there and I was thinking and I was like I wish that I could just like see like videos of like chapters of someone's healing so that I could see it get better day or day and I was like why don't I just fucking do it and I was like I bet like 50 people are gonna see it I woke up in the morning and it had like 6,000 views my day one thing and as the day went on it's it's at like 850,000 views now it's been sent like 3 000 times because i texted you to check in on you and then you were like i made a tiktok talking about this and i was like wait what i was like i was like oh my god she did that i was so like i'm reading the comments i like started crying i was just like oh my god

all of these women have like gone through something similar like because i think like this is the truest thing is that heartbreak feels so lonely so isolated you feel so alone but it is such a universal experience yes it's been so good for me everybody has been so fucking kind and i'm really lucky i have such an incredible support system in real life real life like tiktok is in real life in person but like to have now i have complete strangers who owe me nothing be like here's my experience I have 55 unread messages on Instagram right now from people that are just like sharing their stories with me because they can't message me on TikTok if I don't follow them I love that it has been so incredible like everybody I don't it's like I have this like itty bitty little

community and I posted this video yesterday for my day over day and I'm like hey like there was an entire election going on right now and I don't feel right talking about myself I was like I know you guys probably don't care but like I just wanted to fill you in I got all these comments from people that were like oh my god I've been refreshing your TikTok I've been wondering when we would hear from you like we totally do care like don't think that we don't i was like they're just such nice people i feel like i found such nice because i love that yeah it can be and like but it's i feel like it's accurately mean like um if you are being a bum ass douchebag you're gonna hear about it that's so true that's so true and then every time anybody comes into

my comments like being like a dick all the nice people attack them and then that person delete their comment i have like a little mob it's so nice well some fucker like on that first video was like this is not the way you should be doing this and i was like okay why don't you deal with your own heartbreak in your own time this was like my attack dog in the comments i was so fucking annoyed i was like well maybe he uh shouldn't behave this way yeah and then he wouldn't have to feel bad about it yeah how about that how do we take that it's just like now now he's being like forced to feel bad about it yeah i mean like it's that person and that's not your problem to know they're like i know both sides i was like bitch get out of here right i'm like

clearly you don't they were saying stuff like him and i had different ideals about kids no the kids was like one of the things that we agreed about so i'm like you are clearly getting false information or you don't know both of us it's one it's one of the two so like well and if they really did know both of you they would just talk to themselves yeah they wouldn't be like i'm gonna make an anonymous account no i'm tired of that shit me too stop making anonymous accounts it's fucking done this has been a theme now fuckers yeah i did not have any anonymous account business until you and i started recording a podcast i was just like no it's it's fucking so skeezy but liz was reminding me I was thinking when when I got that comment from that person was like I hope you you

handle this in a more mature way and I messaged Liz and I was like kind of freaking out about that that like I was like oh my god like what if he sees this Liz was like you're allowed to talk about this however you want to talk about it and that's so fucking true and that just like put more wind to my sails and I was like I'm doing this every fucking day because like I felt so empowered to do it until that person came in my comments and so now I need to just keep like reminding myself why I'm doing it and like this is my experience and like it's helping a lot of people clearly like people are telling me that's helping them creating a community around heartbreak I think is like a very um useful way of like to use your energy yeah I think so too because yeah

you're talking about the truth of like what happened but at the end of the day the focus is how you're finding healing yes and not everyone knows how to do that and i think another important thing to mention is like not everyone has access to therapy so like that secondary like insight is really helpful yeah and like when you started making those videos and i was just like yeah i actually wish that i had like some sort of community like this when i was going through it it's been so I just had to tap into my rage that was all I had was anger and now that it's gone I'm like I don't want to work out I want to lay down that's that's a form of self-care yeah that's true I like that um no it's been it's been good oh I love myself too much yeah I guess I'm just

gonna take a nap horizontally like um but it's like whenever I'm sad or angry or depressed or anything like i need to channel that towards something productive like that's just like how i cope is like being like okay how can i use this and i feel like i found the thing it's been really good yeah and now it's kind of propelled me to like take things into my own hands even more like i called my therapist again and like i'm on a new ssri after like a whole fucking nightmare of a first ssri experience we use um explain what an ssri yes is for people who don't know including maybe me let's find out what we're gonna learn today what does she know let's find out I don't 100% like know the science behind it I know there's SRIs and SSRIs um so I'm not even gonna

pretend like I know the difference but um an SSRI is an anti-anxiety anti-depression medication um I took um Lexapro the first time and it was a fucking nightmare like I and this is a thing that when you're trialing mental health drugs like a lot of people have to try a few things and sometimes you have to get like a cocktail of things based on like how you react to the first thing and it was it was a mess the first psychiatrist that I've had everybody knows by now was a dick bag and like I didn't want to take anything that he gave me so I met this new I we have new insurance through work which is so nice and so I found a whole host a new psychiatrist and I found a psychiatric nurse who is like my twin flame I love her so much she is so warm and she

understands like when i talk to her it's so hard to find the right therapist the right psychiatrist hard it's like dating it really is it's like who's the person that's going to click with me the best and it's hard to like not get disappointed yes i still can't find a psychiatrist it's hard work i should give you her name too like i really really think you'd like her please take me yeah she's and she's doing all telehealth right now too so oh good yeah she's just incredible and like she was basically like i hear you and i understand your anxieties around this and we're going to do whatever you're comfortable with she like drew out a picture of like synapses synapses like brain synapses for me to show me like why I like can't be happy and like like what I'm lacking

and how SSRIs help with like my norepinephrine and like my dopamine receptors like they they aren't they're like pumping out too much than they're receiving like she was explaining all this shit to me and like drawing me graphs and I was like okay I'll take anything you give me so she let me start really really slow on this new i'm taking prozac i feel like a 50 year old woman i feel like that's like such like a but her reasoning was so good yeah i mean i think that this is probably a common fear for a lot of people myself included is just like taking a medication is scary yeah you're like okay so this is gonna change my brain chemistry yes and then katie told you this that you've told me uh therapy changes your brain chemistry

so when you put it in that perspective it's just like everyone i've talked to who has taken antidepressants has said that therapy has been more effective for them yeah once they start taking antidepressants it's like the extra tool to kind of like get you there yeah which is i'm so fucking hyped also i know i i know tons of people too who only take them for a period of time yep because like situational depression is a thing like i think everyone's been there at some point so you don't have to panic if you're just like going through it right now you can have situational depression yeah you're allowed to have that that's a thing and what these you also only have your life frame of reference you don't have to be like i shouldn't feel like this because

there's so much worse things happening to other people that's something i get caught up in a lot I'm like what do I have to be depressed about it's like no Amelia you have a chemical imbalance and that's why you're depressed like you could have everything in the fucking world and everything could be dandy the like the state of the world could be dandy and you could you would still be sad because like that's how your brain is making you feel and how my psychiatrist explained it was like because I'm on like a nine month to 12 month kind of like that's how long we're planning on having me on it because it what it does is it like resets your synapses is what it does so that they like function more like efficiently by themselves like it just kind of resets everything so it's not

like the drug that's really doing the work it's your brain is doing the work with the help of the drug so I'm like does that mean that I'm not going to be depressed after all this I don't know maybe I'll be on it my whole life but like I feel so like empowered right now to just like take my mental health into my own hands and like okay it feels really cool and like the first week of Prozac not being a total nightmare like last night I kind of started to feel like a little dissociated it was scary but I was able to be like okay nope this is the drugs like I'm not like falling into like a pit right now like this is actually just like my brain is getting used to these drugs I'm taking so I don't know it's I'm I'm looking forward to the future like I think

this is gonna be a really good thing for me and I'm so ready to stop being sad and anxious like I'm just so done with it and it's not gonna just go away too it's just gonna help me like get the tools my tool belt that I need to be the best version of myself I'm very interested to see how you're going to like think about the past in a few months and see this experience yeah in like six months yeah it's gonna be interesting everyone's telling me to like do out with my first tiktok like every month oh I like that so it'll be cool to look back on it well so when you have after you were sharing like um your updates on tiktok i was like you know what i'm on the other end of this now so i'd like i was going through my old pictures because i was

deleting a whole bunch of old stuff on my phone and i saw like i i was like i want to share this on instagram so i i did i did do that like kind of comparison of like my old picture of where i just like originally i thought that picture was so cute and then i was looking at like a more recent picture of myself and i was like this is like not even like my best picture of myself and the difference is insane like i edited that first picture and the second picture i did not edit at all same phone yeah wow the natural sunlight in both guys i've aged in reverse so she actually has she's like because i was and it was like two and a half years ago and i like i looked like looking at myself in that picture i just looked very sad and it's because i

was very sad and like my life was like up in the air at that point and i was in this relationship that was just like I'm still getting my way out of like the effects that it's had on me we do for a long time and it's hard to not be enraged about it sometimes where I'm just like you treated me so poorly and were able to manipulate me and I like pride myself on being like a smart and cognizant person and this person was able to make me feel so like alone and bad about myself this is the thing it's like about forgiving people people always say it's like the mature thing to do is like forgive people but i think that allowing yourself to not forgive someone is like an act of self-respect in a sense because you're able to look back now and be like how the

fuck did you ever treat me like that like fuck you and staying mad about that says a lot about like how much you respect yourself so I think that's a powerful thing and I tell people now like I um the relationship I'm in right now like yeah it is very new but like the thing I like about it is just that we're so candid and honest with each other that and respectful of each other's feelings and like the more I think about it I'm like I could never go back to any other type of relationship like even friendships like i this is the only kind of relationship i want to have in my life where like we both can share how we feel and know that we're going to be heard and respected yes and like yeah that i like obviously i can't say that like i was definitely not the

person i am now when i was in that relationship but like my i just remember my chest always hurt my chest constantly hurt like my stomach always hurt I like constantly had gas and um my skin was really bad and like I don't know I just did not like feel good about myself I didn't feel good in general and then like just seeing the side-by-side comparison like even I needed to see it i was just like holy shit i am on the other end of this yes like and yeah stuff is still gonna come up that i'm gonna work on but it's not gonna be impossible now whereas before it just absolutely the i feel like my therapist has done so much like unraveling that now like when we talk it's more like a conversation and less of her like okay yeah let's go back to this thing

because it's problematic yeah yeah that's really that's cool that you like you're able to attack things differently now like that has been unraveled for you the the psychosomatic effects that like a relationship has on you when it's bad is something i don't think people talk about enough like people like losing a lot of weight when they're in a bad relationship because they're just like nauseous all the time yeah that is a real thing oh my friends universal my friends told me i looked sick that they were like you are like glowing now and this was even just um after like a few months of living in seattle they're like you seem so happy even though i was going through this breakup where i felt like shit like i still was like my soul was just like okay this

is the right thing like i am on the right path and even though it's hard i'm doing i'm making the right steps for myself and my job was a huge made a huge difference like I just finally felt like I was in a place that I needed to be in I I had a moment yesterday where I was like kind of like cleaning stuff up and I like caught a glimpse of myself in that mirror and I like got chills because I was like looking out these big windows in Seattle with like the rain on the windows and i was just like holy shit like this is my i live here i live in seattle i like live in this apartment by myself and i'm in love with it and i have these two awesome cats and like i have this job that i've moved here for i don't know what a moment yeah i was just like holy fuck this is like

what it's all about this is what i've been working for yeah seriously it's so good this is like a testament to trusting your gut because you had that last place that you could have moved into before that you were like happy about but you weren't like excited about and then when you texted me that like you're like I found the perfect place and it's base it's mine if I want it I was like oh no this is it like you just seemed more excited about it and now you're fucking here yeah it's huge yeah okay fuck marry kill spongebob squidward and sandy oh and sandy yeah we're gonna throw sandy in there I was gonna say Patrick but you gotta throw a girl sandy in there um i would marry sandy why um she's just reliable

she's got that like bossy girl energy that i think is really hot she's great house yeah she's got her shit together she's a lot of plants yeah you like plants i do i have killed a couple she'll keep him alive yeah uh god between between spongebob and squidward i probably fuck squidward that's what i was thinking too because spongebob would drive me nuts oh for sure he would not be a good fuck or and he's gay you know that's true the creators did say that i'll marry him if he needs a beard but if i have to live with him i will launch myself into the sun absolutely so i think i would just kill spongebob that's fair i would probably say the same he's very annoying you couldn't marry squidward because no he's such a debbie downer i

can't deal with that squidward feels like he'd like do a really good like hate fuck yeah yeah i can't say this with a straight face but like not for marriage no you would resent him after like a month i need to marry someone stable like sandy yeah sandy is an established bitch and like you know she'd go to bat for you exactly good answer i didn't come prepared with a mary fuck kill that's okay i feel like that was all right well thanks for listening oh thank you so much this has been great this has felt like therapy for me i've missed doing this yeah i've i can't believe it's been three weeks it feels like not that long ago but also forever ago yes 100 and i'm just glad that we're back at it me too it'll be more consistent with it i'm glad we're back at

it again with the white fans with the white claws back at it again with the white claws love you love you i'm gonna try wait i want to harmonize with you okay okay now i'm laughing okay bye Yeah, oh, oh, oh, yeah