The Hoely Hour - E180 The Devil You Don't

Episode Date: April 19, 2024

Amelia went to Coachella this past weekend and is prepared to make it her entire personality for the next month. Olivia Rodrigo’s bonus track “obsessed” leads us into a conversation about the phenomenon of becoming obsessed with your partners’ exes. We also discuss the pain of watching your friends get back into toxic relationships. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

all the center of my eye and my mind and my heart that's beautiful can i borrow that for my vows yeah when i marry you right obviously of course welcome to the holy hour a podcast about sex relationships mental health and everything in between i'm amelia sanson and i'm liz ball follow us on instagram and tiktok at the holy hour i'm on instagram and tiktok at amelia sanson and i'm on instagram and tiktok at liz ball so hard you can also watch us on youtube or listen ad free on patreon at patreon.com slash the holy hour check out our merch at the holy hour.com and email us your spicy stories at holy hour podcast at gmail.com hi hey polly's here too she's where's my girl's room girl's room i was at coachella this last

weekend and i'm so tired so please bear with me this episode i'm i'm pretty tapped too well yeah i can understand that yeah all the way back you're such a noodle girl i took a picture of her yesterday that she looks so fucking long in and i just i've been looking at all day and laughing she looks like three times her length uh mr liz stretched out gatsby the other he's always been a very long cat yeah and he was like i wonder how long he is and he fully stretched him out he is i need to show you the picture it looks like he caught a fish oh my god of a big fish that is so funny long ass cat that would be a really funny dating profile picture well he never he'll never use it he'll never use them again no uh oh yeah so okay i was at

coachella this weekend saw sabrina carpenter whomst i have talked about in great length on this podcast she they say not to meet your heroes i didn't meet her but i was breathing the same eras her and it it um grew my love for her did it change your brain chemistry it did you know what did change my brain chemistry was seeing gwen stefani wait uh she was there yeah no doubt was there oh it was i don't know anything on fucking believable she did she was running across the stage like the whole time and like climbing scaffolding and shit and then just a girl was their last song and she did push-ups on stage before the song and then just belted it i'm like bitch god has she had to have done blow before that like i'm just like there's no fucking way

dude do you know who lil uzi vert is um yeah more or less he was there and that dude there's no way that he didn't just do like a shit ton of cocaine before coming on stage i've never seen anybody dance like that in my life it's just truly it's truly amazing and if these people aren't doing cocaine then they sold their soul to the devil because where do you get all that talent and energy it was exhausting watching it so i can't imagine being up there but yes okay so i had a thought have you heard olivia rodrigo's new song obsessed no okay it's called obsessed if you didn't gather that by the setup of that question and it's about her being obsessed with her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend oh and it is the most relatable lyrics ever i'm gonna look some up is

it like becky so hot what's that oh you sent me that song becky's uh by i think it's by jacks jx and she's talking about her um girlfriends or her ex-girlfriend's new girlfriend never mind oh and she's like i accidentally she wrote the song because she accidentally liked a picture of her ex-girlfriend's new girlfriend and then wrote a song about like yeah she's really hot so i get it yes oh my god i completely forget isn't that fletcher oh that's what it is oh yeah oh my god i fucking love that song it's so good jax has the victoria's secret song which is a little corny but i love it i love it so it's so catchy yeah victoria see and i'm like she's right yeah um what the fuck is going on here i'm in an incognito window because i'm using my work

computer and i'm concerned about looking up sex news from my work computer so anyway everything kind of like at this point i don't know i i don't think that'll make a difference i think it can still see but also the amount of people who probably watch porn on their work computer that's so true my ex did that watch porn on his work computer yeah and i was like what do you not are you not nervous about that he's like oh should i be yes you idiot yeah my therapist we were talking about porn addiction and she was like yeah i know people who they weren't her clients she just like knows people who had they were so addicted to porn they just had it like up on their work computer while they're like on a call what the fuck yeah just like working with porn on the

screen like it's every day like it's just like youtube videos just running in the background that's crazy to think about i like do not i guess i i don't fully understand that no like that level no i mean it's hard to fathom i wonder if it's like the equivalent of like you know when people have um the the minecraft videos in the background of a story i was just about to say that but i couldn't explain what i was trying to say but that's exactly what it's like like maybe i need to do that on calls have like a minecraft like video or playing yeah a minecraft video while i'm watching porn actually so i can pay attention to the porn um okay here are some of the lyrics it's it's always so weird speaking lyrics out loud i feel like i'm like doing an open mic

slam poetry moment oh i actually had to do that in high school theater class read lyrics we had to pick a song and act it out like read it like a monologue that's so and i picked you out of know violin as far as i was like 15 i was like i'm girl you don't know anything to remind you of the mess you left when you went away it's not fair no i didn't i wasn't crying i was angry but i also took the part the parts out that referred to sex yeah of course i was like well i'm a child so we and i've never had sex in my theater class we had to um act out a scene from like a pivotal moment in our lives and not speak but use a song as the background to tell the story and then just like pantomime it that's crazy and i did high and dry by radiohead and it was about

my dog dying oh well i mean like that's such a serious thing like what are you children have experienced some trauma and you're asking them to act it out you don't know what these kids are gonna show you attached out to some like 2008 myspace music maybe they were doing it as an exercise to make sure like all of the kids in their class are like okay yeah yeah yeah maybe also i want to so like public i want to specify because i'm sure somebody's going to hear what i just said and say radiohead is not 2008 myspace music i know it's not okay i mean if it was for you then like if you had it on your myspace then it is for you dude speaking of which i saw taking back sunday at coachella do you know taking back sunday do i know okay a lot of people didn't a lot

of people didn't i was like are you fucking kidding me cornerstone of my personality dude and they they did make damn sure and cute without the e at the end and i have never felt more full circle in my life yeah cute without the e for sure uh on my myspace oh me too i feel oh my god what a moment they're old dudes now and they're making new music okay i'm like nobody's here to hear your new music you know what i mean but anyway good for them um they need a hobby yeah i'm happy for old guys need hobbies uh read these lyrics okay hit me she says if i told you how much i think about her you'd think i was in love and if you knew how much i looked at her pictures you would think we're best friends because i know her star sign i know her blood type i've seen every

movie she's been in and oh god she's beautiful and i know you loved her and i know i'm butthurt but i can't help it i'm so obsessed with your ex and i the first time i heard this song i was like I was thinking this is the most relatable shit I've ever heard in my life like you become so obsessed with people that your partner has dated that you know just like such intricate detail like her blood type is such a funny line I mean it's obviously facetious of course if for those of you who don't who take everything literally yeah I don't know but it's just yeah like my own blood being so into like the lore yeah that you're like learning everything about this person because you're like then you start comparing yourself to them yes yeah and it becomes an obsession and like

you know in my younger years in a very very unhealthy way and she's 21 so like oh yeah that's stage yeah and that was also when i was like kind of exiting out of that phase but it was still peak it was still at its peak I went from it peaking to it not existing I don't think we've ever talked about that whole phenomenon of being obsessed with your partner's ex or people that your partner have dated in the past and it's something that everybody at least everyone that I've talked to has experienced yeah in some capacity yeah for sure my like my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is so pretty or like I wonder if he still like thinks about her talks about her and it but it's very like taboo to bring up because it feels crazy but it's something everybody

experiences there was like I get when I think about it I'm like who who have I been like the most like obsessed with checking on um and I actually think it wasn't it's like a weird kind of obsession where you're not like you don't hate her anything right it's more just like well now I'm so invested in figuring out like why yeah they wanted to date you like why were they with you why didn't it work out right that's the thing all of these things why'd you break up did she dump you or did you dump her do you do you still want to be with her it like turned into a spiral are you trying to turn me into her yeah I hate that dude yeah me too why are you trying to turn me into your ex um but the person when I think about like who did I like was I the most

like nervous about or whatever and it wasn't my ex's ex per se it was someone he cheated on his ex with oh yeah and we looked alike oh and i started out by being like oh my god yeah i'm definitely cuter than her to being like no she's like so beautiful yeah yeah yeah yeah but she was also kind of unhinged oh but some guys like that so that doesn't help at all he definitely likes that because he needs drama in his life yeah and if he doesn't have it then he'll create it yeah his mom's dramatic so oh that tracks and they really do you know just want to date their moms at the end of the day you hate to see it i i feel like the people that i was the most obsessed with when i was at my lowest weren't like my ex's exes it was like girls that i thought my ex would be

into that i would like see around campus because i would like pick up on him like maybe having a crush on someone and then every girl that i saw that like was kind of like that i'd be like he probably wants to date her i bet he wants to fuck that girl yeah or it was like similar people similar to the people that he cheated on me with which is fair but i become i've not become became so obsessed with them yeah and it's such an ugly feeling and then you're like what are they doing yeah because you're spending your energy like looking them up from the burner account right exactly exactly and then you're like what are they doing yeah are they up to and then it becomes habitual yes I used to actually now that I think about it because I've broken these habits so I

like but it wasn't that long ago yeah like a couple years ago I know I would say I would there was like people I would just like check on their social media even though so much time had gone by like I'm not even dating that person anymore but now they're just part of the circuit of people that i'm checking on dude i know in my search history on my burner it's all people that i just don't really give a fuck about but it's like i'm like i wonder what they're doing do you ever like uh like hate look people up like people you don't like i i mean i don't really not like anyone which is like such a problem you know because it's like amelia you should really like not like some people but like there aren't very many people that i don't like

and the people that i don't like hate creeping the people that i hate creep on are like my friends ex-boyfriends and they're all private yeah the people the people i hate creep on aren't um people that i have a romantic past with or like they're not part of like any of my partners past um it's uh one of my old bosses oh yeah I just like sometimes like if I want to like feel you know sometimes you want to feel like smug like it's like a combination of like smugness and rage yeah um because that job was so traumatizing um it was my job in Las Vegas so if anyone I work with in Seattle is listening to this it was like the last job I had in Las Vegas and I know she's not listening but she was like the most traumatizing boss I've ever had in my

life sometimes I hope that those people are listening the people that we like really you're like this person ruined my life I want them to know listen sometimes there there are people you can't trust just based on their eyebrows and you know in in the the year of like 2020 I mean it's 2024 now this lady still has tadpole eyebrows they're tadpoles and they're so far apart you see that's the issue with over plucking they eventually they just never grow back i i think she wants them to look that way oh no and then she has the duck nails no she had the duck nails in like 2016 oh god yeah anyway so yeah i just wanted to talk about that that's kind of that's that's the the extent of my thought process but i was listening in the car on the way home i'm

gonna have to listen on the way home i think you'll really like it i love olivia rodrigo dude me too she came out with no doubt at coach oh that's fun i freaked out do you think she crossed paths with sabrina carpenter is that certainly she does the the beef yeah yeah and joshua bassett was there oh and so is taylor swift i want to see a reunion of the three of them i know i want i want to put them in a room and say let's get andy cohen out here absolutely to chat with all three of them oh my god and then i want both of the girls to team up and then be like fuck you yeah joshua bassett i love this that's that is i would pay for that girls uniting over hating a man is beautiful it really is there's that's that's girlhood only specifically if the

man sucks if he if he was shitty to both of them absolutely he needs to have deserved it that is the best sisterhood it is it is hating the same dude two girls bonding over a man who traumatized them yes and specifically a man that traumatized them to the point of them not liking each other and then they team up i think that beautiful arc that like that is such an ugly thing too that i think that like more so like younger guys do like maybe teenagers and early 20s is like pitting girls against each other and yeah it's a very toxic mindset it's it is a a power play yeah and I mean it's always like a the worst type of person that does that I like I don't think it's very common no you know like I've never dated anyone who's done that and been like you should

be threatened by my ex essentially yeah I had been so I I'm shifting gears a little bit but in a similar vein um I was hanging out with one of my friends on Friday and we were talking about one of her friends who like would always like cry to her about her husband and then um she'd like be there to support her and then she'd be like I'm gonna leave him I'm like separating from him can I stay with you for like a week or something so she's like being she's like providing a lot of emotional support for this person and then she just like ends up going back to him right And I was thinking about how like I know we all know at least like two to three women who do that where like they're always fighting with their partner and then like you're providing so much emotional support for them and then they just like go back to them. yeah and it's almost like the it it sucks because it you put so much like care and energy into like

being supportive and trying to protect them and it's like they're just throwing it back in your face yeah that happened to me in college with one of my friends um and her ex like he like hooked up with someone else and um like was trying to keep it a secret and it was like a bunch of drama and then he like showed up at our house like in the snow storm to talk to her and i was like get that fucker out of our house and then she loved that it was snowing so he could like be so dramatic about it and he was totally that type and then she left with him and i didn't see her for three days and then she comes back and she's like are you mad at me and then i just started crying because i was like i love you so much and like this i had to watch this horrible

person like treat you like shit i had to watch you like go through this heartbreak and betrayal that he caused and like then you just like forgive him and disappear with him and then you don't talk to us and let us know that you're okay for three fucking days yeah and i think like that was like a really important moment for our friendship but like there's all there's so many girls that i know like who are still in that situation oh yeah i've been thinking about it a lot and um like just the the older you get the more you realize like that it's like it's codependency oh yeah um and i think also like you start to become addicted to the drama of a relationship like that um yeah like the ups and downs because like the the downs make the ups feel so good feel so high but

then like that's literally an abusive relationship and I think that people don't realize because then like the women will defend it of like oh well I did this too and my therapist and I have talked about this where like if you're if you're in like an emotionally abusive relationship or even physically abusive relationship you are also likely to have those behaviors too you are also probably being abusive in a way as well yeah and like when I was thinking about um my ex and like it was just I wouldn't necessarily say it was like emotionally abusive but it was not good yeah and both of us like like I would absolutely participate in like toxic behaviors I think a lot of people do when they're younger though because you just like don't you don't know better you're

acting on like the impulse of intense emotions well I I explained this to like I did explain this to my therapist a long time ago and I probably have talked about it on the podcast before I um felt like I was playing a part like I felt like he wanted me to be blowing up or like being be yeah I felt like he he like wanted me to do that to show that how much you cared I like it's such a weird thing to explain like I felt like he wanted me yeah maybe to show that I cared or I think that's also like part of his enmeshment codependency with his mom I was gonna say because mom's so dramatic yeah yeah so I was like I felt like he just wanted the the smoke yeah and then I remember we were having an argument and I was just sitting there and I was

like I don't want to be fucking doing this I almost started laughing I was like this is ridiculous and then that was also pretty close to the end of our relationship um but yeah I I don't know that was a really bizarre experience but in relation to this because I this is just like kind of been at the forefront of my mind since that conversation with my my friend and um i saw a tiktok of the this girl explaining it's like a stitch with a stitch with a stitch she was like i didn't really understand what people meant when they said like settling for a relationship like when you settle for someone yeah and the way you know that you're not is you don't fight and then um the more they explained it they're like it's not that you don't have disagreements but it's

when you're with someone who you're actually compatible with if you have like a disagreement you're like still going to work together to like fix that and repair it like it's a team effort and you don't want to fight with someone that like you really care about yeah you and you don't want them to be unhappy yeah and sure sometimes you get snippy but like an actual like issue you're going to be working together on it yeah even if it's like a an argument to begin with yeah like getting to like a okay now that we're both calmed like cooled off yeah let's like let's work through this yeah exactly and it's I think that like the people's history with like being in relationships where you're like fighting so much and it's so like like explosive and um yeah like passionate

it makes it feel like if we're not fighting then something's wrong and it's like that's just not healthy to think about it that way yeah yeah and you're pushing away things that are good because they're not bad like that's wild the girl on the tiktok like explaining this um she was like yeah when i broke up with my ex like we had been together for like five years and she's like but we fought all the time and she like thought that was normal and she was like also he he like wanted me to change like i feel like that is something i see a lot too yeah like people making that mistake of you're settling with someone because you're you want to change them yeah or like have them change in some capacity maybe at the beginning of your relationship like the first couple of

months they were really fantastic and then their true colors start to show and then you're like you're always like well maybe we could get back get back to that place like the first two months of our relationship where we were both so happy and everything was easy yeah but that's not ever gonna happen right if I I don't know I feel like if like if you're fighting all the time and it's like only three months into your relationship you shouldn't be together absolutely it's I'm saying this is someone who's made a lot of mistakes in dating oh yeah I mean we all do yeah so it's like you live and you learn but the the worst is when you're you provide all of that emotional support for your friend and then they end up going back to the relationship but that emotional support

was also in the form of like talking mad shit on their boyfriend i have fallen into that so many times i have so many friends where i'm like like they're so sad and they're like fuck that guy and i'm like let me list out all of the things that i hate about them and their mom and then they end up like getting back together with them it's like and then you're you're like okay well now you know how much i don't like them yeah but then it's also like that's their person in their mind so it's like i don't want them that to like alienate them or like feel like they can't talk to me about them anymore it gets it gets so complicated when i was talking to my friend she hasn't dated in a while like um her and her ex broke up like two years ago which is i was like it feels like you

guys broke up forever ago but also not that long ago yeah i don't know it was weird but she was like yeah i i made it my goal this summer to start dating again because she's like i'm just so happy on my own that i feel like if i don't tell myself i'm gonna start dating then i'm just like never gonna do it um and she was explaining to me her mindset is um men the men that she dates aren't competing with other men they're competing with her yes and that's so true because I was thinking about like before I was dating Mr. Liz I was very very happy doing my own thing I was just like living my best life like because I'm meeting all of my own needs yeah and even when I was like dating someone I feel like I forget that we were dating because I was still so self-efficient and

self-dependent that like I don't know we shouldn't have been dating in the first place you know he was just like fun and cool and I was like this is cool yeah but the um unmemorable ex yeah yeah I always forget that you dated him yeah me too like unproblematic but also unmemorable like he was just like a great guy but we were it just wasn't the right yeah fit we weren't the right match for each other yeah it's so weird to think about like I completely forget that that ever happened yeah well so then I was like when I was talking to her about that I was like yeah I was really like fucking happy and then I had also gotten to a point like when I did start dating Mr. Liz like I had some pretty good boundaries with myself of like okay boundaries aren't like

they're not ultimatums with other people and that is something that people constantly get confused is like confusing boundaries with being like controlling another person and their behaviors like well my boundary is that you can't listen to this song because it triggers me it's like actually a boundary is when I hear this song I'm going to think about this or when I hear this song I'm going to leave the room yeah um and uh I had about boundaries with myself of like I don't want to feel a certain way in a relationship so if i start to feel this way in a relationship then i'm going to leave the relationship um and that's like the most important piece i saw someone explaining to like i feel like i should stop referencing tiktoks and just say them as my own

ideas you know um because you adopt them they do become your own ideas damn you know what i mean why are we complicating it um the why like we spend so much time like trying to understand why someone did something and not thinking enough about how it made us feel like we're trying to logicize like why someone did something that made us feel a certain way and like trying to like read into all of their behaviors and stuff but what the most important thing is how did it make you feel yeah it doesn't matter why they did it how did it make you feel when they did that and then the boundary you need to draw is do i want to feel like that yeah because if you don't want to feel like that then that you need to remove yourself yes not you need to do this or i

will do this so i thought like such a good way to think about it because it really is that's the only thing that you're in control of the weaponized therapy speak has definitely made like shitty people even shittier yes you know yeah like you just have the words to describe why you're being shitty like and defend it yeah right right there are words on it but then they think that like the the work stops there they're like well it makes sense so no it's like okay now you understand it so now you need to do something about it you need to change yeah that behavior so if it's something you don't like or is making you unhappy then it's the onus is on you to change that's way too evolved for way too many people that need to hear it uh i i also constantly wonder like

there's like studies show like only this percentage of people are self-aware but i'm like how are you measuring self-awareness yeah can you measure that there has to be a way to if they're saying they're self-reporting self-awareness no i bet that they're what they're they're doing like um like little tests on it like just like asking questions that there are obvious answers to and seeing how they respond to it like they're like they could put a bunch of like controls in the room to pretend like they hate them and then ask the person like are you liked in this room like oh probably shit like that that's the psychology major in me jumping out let's conduct some studies okay and then we'll make a second podcast about that called

the study hour oh the i i don't have anything i'm sorry the we'll circle back i love how i always say we'll circle back on puns and then we never circle back on it we don't need to maybe do we? Well, no, we need to, but do we know, but we do need to, um, can I plug my chapstick real quick? Yeah, absolutely. Oh, I thought that was a glue stick. It looks like a glue stick. Doesn't it? Yeah. It was, it's just, does it look like a glue stick on purpose? I don't know. It has like the orange, like the Elmer's and then the blue, like it's Palmer's cocoa butter formula with vitamin E smooths, softens, smooths, swivel stick. Say that five times fast, 48 hour moisture. The reason i got it is because it's the highest rated and my lips are wrecked from the desert it's the

highest rated on amazon i was gonna say amazon yeah the highest rated on google is like a 48 dollar chapstick i'm gonna lose that in a second google google's search engine sucks first of all yeah and i just i don't know i'm the kind of person i'm not gonna buy my skincare products off of amazon that's because it's you don't know if it's gonna be like legit and then also you don't know how long it's been in the warehouse yeah so yeah i always check the expiration the expiry dates as the brits say like i'm so multicultural i don't want to brag but um i feel like i was gonna say something else about sorry i'm thinking i really shifted the topic because i saw my chapstick and you wanted to put some on and i wanted to put some on yeah

I think that's a good time to plug plug something you like thank you uh what we're talking about you know people going back to shitty relationships yeah it's heartbreaking it really is because I've also been there I went back to a relationship that I shouldn't be in so many times and I didn't tell the last time that I did I told nobody and then I dealt with it alone until it blew up and then I had to tell people because I was like I'm so fucking sad and I can't deal with this alone yeah and then i had to explain everything that happened to get to that point because it had been like six months of me keeping all this shit secret that's a really ugly place to be in and so i feel like that's why i always feel so bad when i talk so much shit on someone's boyfriend that they end

up getting back with because it's like oh i remember how that feels feeling like you have nobody you can talk to about it you know what i mean yeah and that was all self-imposed like i six months after we had started talking again and you had like responded with so much like compassion and I was and so did Katie when I told her but it was like leading up to those two conversations I was just like they're gonna be so disappointed in me and they're gonna be so mad when in reality it's like your friends just want you to be happy that's like their team your if they're good friends their team your happiness you know and that's why it sucks so much when you get back with your shitty ex because they just want you to be happy and I don't know it sucks

watching someone that you love and care about like willingly go back to someone who fucking sucks and you're like is this really better yeah is this better than you being alone it like and not even being alone is this better than you not giving anybody else another like anybody else a chance yeah like or just I don't know exploring other options yeah I was I was thinking i was like have i ever gone back to anybody and i definitely have like um with my las vegas ex like we broke up when i moved to seattle and then when i went back for uh christmas we like hooked up and then like we're kind of talking again but also not like he was he was very much like using me for whatever he wanted like i don't know it really sucked yeah um

and then it turned more into just like he would randomly text me and i would try and be getting i would try to get some kind of closure and then he would like make it about him being horny and wanting to cheat on his girlfriend i'm a stand-up guy yeah it's so fucking gross yeah i because i'm like okay i did i guess i did want to get back together over that like christmas break or whatever but when i think about it i i didn't really want to get back together i just like didn't i wanted the safety of a relationship that was familiar totally so i i can understand how like some people will go back to a shitty relationship because it's familiar and i mean that's also like part of the human condition is absolutely you're going to you're going to take

something like you'll you'll continue living an experience that is unfulfilling and maybe even like harmful um because it's familiar to you and it's it's just more comforting to be with something that's familiar than do something that may be better for you that's unfamiliar yeah i mean it's the whole like the devil you know versus the devil you don't kind of mindset it's the momentary discomfort of ending a relationship that's bad for you feels so much worse than the long-term discomfort of being in a relationship that's bad for you so it's like well I want to avoid feeling shitty for like a few weeks because that's just such an immediate pain it's so hard for our brains to stretch to like okay well let me get on the other side of this I'm gonna feel

so much better because you like the human experience is to like minimize pain as much as you can that's just be that's a survival instinct heartbreak is such a crushing experience it's visceral it's and it's also it's crazy because you feel so alone in it even though it's such a universal yes feeling and experience yeah and like i mean originally that's why you wanted to start a podcast is like talking about being heartbroken yeah because like I mean it was so isolating it's and it's and it is such a universal experience yeah and it like I I always think that it's amazing like how many people will come out of the woodwork to be supportive when like you're going through a heartbreak yes you know yeah it's really cool

it really is because it's such it you feel so alone when it's happening and then it's like oh i'm not when i was going through my breakup like when i had first moved to seattle i didn't have any friends and like i it honestly like launched my friendships yeah like i made some of the best friends ever like because of that breakup yeah and i remember the desk i sat at too i was in like a corner at work and um we had broken up and I like started crying at my desk a little bit and like the the two girls who sat in the corner with me like were immediately like so supportive and they're like we actually just went through breakups from long-term relationships too and I was like oh I'm like not alone in this and like we um all decided to get onto dating

apps together and we shared our locations with each other and would tell each other like we're going on dates I love that sisterhood yeah and then like another girl on our team um she was like doing fun stuff and I was like will you invite me to things because I like need to keep myself busy otherwise I'm going to be like sad and distracted or I'm just going to be sad and like not have anything to do and like ruminate on this yeah and then she just invited me to everything and it was fantastic i love i know i've said this before but like the like the things that i love the most in my life are a result of like the most painful breakup ever which is what it sounds like you're saying too it's like and when you're going through it awesome yeah you know

yeah we really are it's very we're a very um like i didn't even know these women and they're like immediately like prepared to be my friend and be supportive yeah and like you know yeah we're communal yeah yeah I love that I love I love women I love female support well and it was I think it was clear that it was one of those breakups that we're not gonna get back together yeah and when you know it's like an ending like that it's also a lot easier to first to be supportive of someone who's like yep I'm ending this relationship for good yeah like it's it's not we're not gonna get back together yeah um and it's hard to make that decision for yourself too yeah because it is heartbreaking especially if you're kind of blindsided by a breakup

i shouldn't have been blindsided but i was a little bit but i mean hindsight's in 2020 when you're living it it's like you're like really like you're living for the hope of it all as taylor swift our queen has said it it really like you're hanging off of like every pot like positive thing that happens and ignoring the negative things and then when you get out of it you look back and you're like what the fuck was i doing most of it was negative yeah so what was i well and you don't realize it until you know you've processed way more of it like it takes like a little while but that's also the same function of like making sure that you don't feel pain like that's another survival instinct of just like picking out the best of it and then

it's also like when you're looking back on a relationship that was very bad it's the same thing with like looking back with rose-colored glasses and being like only remembering the good things it's like our brains are like wired to filter out the bad shit i don't know for me it's more like i couldn't remember any of the good things it was like only the shitty stuff what a blessing well i remember the things that are like traumatizing yeah well like those things stand out to you you know yeah i mean i wish that the things like when i was healing from my breakup i really really wanted the bad shit to be more pronounced than it than they were because i would have to like look back on like old texts that i sent to be like oh yeah this was really fucked up

you know because I looked back on it like because like you miss the comfort like we're saying you miss the comfort of it and the familiarity of it and you like become nostalgic for like the time in your life rather than the relationship and but the relationship is such a huge piece of it that you tie the relationship to be like you being nostalgic about the relationship you like hear songs that remind you of it you like that's so true smell smells that remind you of it but it's the time of your life it's not the relationship that you miss yeah like I really for a while really really missed my early 20s and I was conflating that with missing my ex and like looking back on it it's just like oh no it was just like he was such a prominent piece of it but

yeah and then you're like oh my early 20s were so great because I didn't have any real responsibilities yeah and then like you live in like a walkable community where all your friends are your neighbors yep you know yeah so yeah going to real life after like having a college experience is really fucking hard that sucks it does suck being an adult is tiring that's why when i did have like move here for the job where we met it felt like college part two to me yeah me too i was like oh my god i can walk a block not even i have i'm like two minutes away from the grocery store i can like use public transportation and it's clean yeah and like I would get awful road rage in Vegas so it like it would ruin my mood oh god so um like not having

to drive like dramatically increased my happiness yeah yeah and like we were that job too like we would like go on trips all together and yeah everyone drinking a lot I mean yeah we we did drink a lot anytime I hang out with um our old co-workers I am hungover the next day yeah I have to like tell myself not to drink because like it really there's something about that group of people that just makes you you want to you're just well they're all fun so you're like i want to keep drinking yeah you're like why not yeah sure let's reminisce i don't have anything important to do yeah i have a lot of start drinking at like 3 p.m in the office it was the best crack a beer it was so fun people would have like handles in their drawers that was one person yeah it was

only one person yeah and it's because she's particular about her vodka and she should be and i love that for her i love that she knows what she likes i you know i lived too much of my life thinking that tito's was like top shelf and i was embarrassing about it isn't it pretty good though it's fine but it's like one of the better options it's it's a very stable secure option but it's not like how i was treating it yeah i would be like what kind of vodka do you want I'd be like Tito's I'm feeling like you're acting like it's Grey Goose exactly like they come out shining a light under your bottle of Tito's uh-huh yeah they have my name on a board we'll get Grey Goose yeah bring out bring out the Tito's bring out the Tito's handmade vodka

I well and I mean I guess like because in your early 20s you're like smear you're drinking smear it off yeah and smear it off burnets smear it off is what you're drinking um at like 21 that's nicer than what you were drinking when you couldn't legally drink which was whatever was in the plastic bottle oh my god yeah burnets that was like sitting out in the sun all day i we didn't have that we had um pop off oh my god pop off and something else these like russian names for these vodka brands what does my brother drink svedka yeah svedka's no narsty svedka is it svedka i think that's swedish no what does he drink svedka is in stoli a blue glass bottle yeah stoli is nasty he loves stoli stoli on the rocks

sometimes stoli without anything in it dude drinking vodka on its own is wild yeah it's a move and sipping it yeah i only i've only done that once and it was in skagway alaska skagway sounds like a like a derogatory term for like it's so it's teeny tiny red light district itty bitty and like i went on this alaskan cruise and i i'm a big cruise hater cruises are full of like the oldest people ever and like norovirus shade yes i also got i got norovirus on the very first cruise I went on I was like 13 um so that was a terrible first experience um so then my second cruise was this or I guess it was my third cruise my third cruise was this Alaska cruise with my grandparents and my parents and my brother and my brother and I are like the only like

young people that aren't children on this whole cruise um so that was interesting yeah um but when we would stop at these places like there's a lot of these gift shops that are owned by the cruise lines that's why they all sell the same shit oh and it's like not like good stuff either it's like just trinket trash yeah keychains yeah and then so like you know me being like a cool millennial no um i'm looking up like the local breweries or like just local stuff that isn't like you know owned by the cruise lines and then asking the locals who like move there during the summer like where do you guys go like what do you guys like to to do or where do you shop so yeah I was looking up like yeah just like local things and there was a guy who had a distillery and it was

like a really like it was a really good distillery so my brother and I walked there while like you know my parents and my grandparents are like we're tired we're gonna go back to the cruise ship and then i'm like i'm gonna go to this distillery with my brother i mean that's a cool thing to do like kind of live like a local i don't know that's the best way to see a place and it was such a small area it was like a 10 minute walk to get there and like that's a whole town damn but it was beautiful so if you're ever in skagway skagway you can check out the distillery i love that name oh it's because it sounds like slag oh yeah skag why does that sound so mean skag skaggy slag a skag way and then uh yeah it was a lot easier in juno to find like local stuff that isn't

cruise line owned honestly the best crepe i ever had was in juno alaska oh dude i fucking love crepes and it was like a savory crepe my mom and i ordered two because we were like i don't think ever had a savory crepe i'm gonna be honest oh i love because i like live for a nutella crepe like i i do love those yeah but if it's too rich and it's not like something i'm in the mood for having the kind of like sweetness of a crepe but with like the savoriness of like cheese and vegetables yeah or like a breakfast crepe that's like you know cheese eggs and bacon uh-huh that shit slaps when i first started dating frank he got a crepe maker for the first time i slept over because he said he said to his crepe maker he said to his best friend he's like i just want to date

a girl that makes me want to make them crepes in the morning and then he was like and then i started dating you and i want to make you crepes yeah and so he made me crepes nutella crepes with fruit it was the best thing in the world that sounds like a dream it was oh my god now i want crepes well when I think about so circling back to our earlier conversation of like when you're with someone you're actually compatible with you don't fight yeah and like your disagreements are productive and um I thought about you and Frank and I thought about me and Mr. Liz to be honest yeah because I was like yeah we're pretty productive and like considerate when we do have a disagreement right you hear each other yeah yeah and like you were saying too like

getting genuinely upset but then like taking a break and revisiting and like fixing it or whatever like coming to a resolution of sorts I've never brought something up to Frank with and he's I've never brought something up to Frank and he hasn't made me feel like so hurt and held it's been so interesting watching you go through this experience too of like dating someone who you're like actually compatible with who like listens to you and like values your opinion because he like genuinely loves and cares about you it's so new yeah like because you're prepared for it to be a blow-up argument yeah you're prepared for your point of view and your feelings to be dismissed yes or like told that you're wrong for feeling a feeling and you're like well no i i

feel this feeling like yeah i didn't choose to feel this way yeah so yeah yeah that's kind of the whole thing about feelings is you you can't control that you feel something it's so it's so fucking true and it sucks that you get so conditioned to you're immediately prepared to be like i'm gonna have to explain this and that's why every single time i bring up anything to frank i start crying because i'm just like this is gonna be a thing and it's like completely involuntary it sucks that's literally what I used to do too and then like I had to basically train Mr. Liz pretty like early on when I would come to him about something that like maybe bothered me like I'm gonna start crying and just pretend I'm not yeah that was helpful for me to tell

like this is just it's like that uh is it Bryce Dallas Howard she's like and I'm crying and like i don't feel any i'm not i'm not panicking like it's just my eyes are crying and i like that's how it feels my voice will start to shake and then when they start to when they call out they when they ask if you're crying like are you okay it just makes you cry more yeah is everything okay i don't know just pretend i'm not crying i love when mr liz is like are you okay cutie and then I'm like I just feel like crying yeah god sometimes a good cry really just hits like I just I'm sad because I had a bad day I don't know yeah I don't know I have a cry that's waiting for me oh I know it's gonna feel so good when you do it I think I'm just too tired yeah wow and I also

there's nothing I like specifically want to cry about it's just like I am so um exhausted and i've been so like busy that the the stress relief of a cry sounds so nice i i hope that you get to experience that soon i hope that something doesn't tip you off i hope it just happens i i'm hoping that it's triggered by like watching like a movie or something watch soul again yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that'll do it yeah yeah um we're at 57 minutes do you want to wrap yeah both of us are so asleep yeah I do yeah I want to wrap yeah I want to wrap yeah I do I want to go to bed early yes indeed I have I am so tired yeah thank you so much for your paciente with me today I missed you like I missed you seeing you is always re-energizing for me

I love you I love you too let's hang out this weekend yeah oh you had said that and I realized like later like I didn't even respond to you saying like if you maybe want to like do something like hang out i'm not doing anything this weekend let's hang out cool frank's leaving me y'all he has friends nerd nerd what kind of loser has friends dork yeah you don't need friends when you have a girlfriend right who do you know besides me i'm waiting for an answer even though we live together and i see you all the time yeah it's not enough how dare you that it's not gonna be close enough unless we literally join bodies right you better tattoo me on the inside of your yeah yeah we physically become one yeah we morph into each other that's the only way it'll be

close we'll be close enough right and even then that's how i feel sometimes when i'm um holding my cats i'm like i wish that i could absorb you that's how much i love you oh i totally feel that this is how polly is feeling with you right now she's like i just want to be a bird i feel the same way oh auntie d it's such a good feeling like especially with a pet like you love them so much and you're snuggling with them and you're like i could just eat you right up yeah that was the first time i've ever felt cuteness aggression is with uh my cats i understand that they are so fucking cute meows can feel when i'm about to enter that zone and she leaves she's like all right she's like i feel the energy in here shifting and i don't like it also i was going

to ask chat gpt um mr liz i was like what should we talk about today mr liz and then he was like I'm gonna ask Chad GPT to write a script I'll have to send it to you is it good uh yeah he gave the the prompt it was like two um white women a white upper class or upper middle class women um left leaning with a podcast about sex and dating and it was so fucking funny oh my god I'm so excited to read that cliche and annoying and I was like yeah that probably is what we sound like i would love to record that one day maybe next week i'll have them yeah i'll have them send it and then uh we could do it back and forth we'll do a bit yeah he was like do you want to be host one or host two and i was like i'll be host one and it was literally like exactly if we

i would have been having a conversation that's so funny oh that's hilarious okay i asked chat gpt to pick a genre of music for our outro it's kind of like from a hat okay yeah it's not it's from a chat chat from a hat oh my god and he picked jazz jazz yeah boo ba da ba ba skeet of the deep beep we love you i don't know why this turned into you got a scat it turned into west side story and suddenly a phrase okay you you have to snap when you do scatting it's true i actually don't know i don't want to do jazz a disservice i feel like i thought we just did it okay that was enough for me cool well great i hope you liked it on that note all of you guys should watch um the scat skit um by key and peel oh my god it's one of my favorites oh it's so fucking good

baby penis that was good okay bye Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.