The Hoely Hour - E2 A Sad, Dry Handjob

Episode Date: June 17, 2020

Soulmates, 2nd draft picks, and dumb fucks with fish, oh my! The girls talk about some of their weirdest dating app experiences and give advice to a listener who wants to date a fuccboi. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

I was like at the level of drunk that it was just making me tired and nauseous you know you know that feeling you have to like get over the threshold yeah yeah chips and salsa turns out it's not a good like meal turns out yeah a snack is not a meal shocking shocking breaking news with Amelia Sampson a snack is not a meal oh my god and that unless it's me and that goes for men too okay a snack is not a meal ladies yeah remember that do you want to be satisfied go for the meal yes that's good advice tattooed as a tramp stamp yeah get a meal is he a snack or a meal yeah we really gotta look at this hard that's true that's a good question to ask yourself is this man a snack or a meal oh you know what is an excellent question

i'm going to approach my dating app life is that is he a snack or a meal yeah are you just trying Do you just need a little something? Right. Just need a little. Yeah. Love num num num. A little num num num. I hate that I maintained eye contact with you when I did that.

I'm so sorry. I loved it. I didn't expect it. And that's why I liked it. It was a pleasant surprise. With keeping you on your toes. Look me directly in the eye. I'm num num num.

No, no, no. welcome to the holy hour i'm amelia samson and i'm liz ball and here we are episode two yeah welcome we've grown so much welcome to mass your parents tell you it's an hour but it's actually maybe longer never ends yeah it's just it just keeps going it just keeps going you actually don't go to multiple masses you just keep walking into the same one the one that's why it's called mass because there's only one what's the plural of mass mass sorry masses masses yeah masses masses the accent on the a massage oh my god um today we're talking about my favorite topic of of now it's dating apps

it's 2020 we're all on apps there's about 10 million of them yeah there's a billion apps um should we walk through what the options are should we start from the yeah ground zero well so for me personally i'm only on hinge um i have used bumble but i hate the like user experience because i feel like i'm like trapped in bumble i don't know i like i'm i have bumble tunnel vision in what way what do you mean i don't know i feel like i'm just stuck in the half like there's something about the like after being on hinge only hinge for so long and then downloading bumble i was like oh i hate this yeah um and then i haven't had tinder since 2014 and i think all of us are on the same page as like tinder is just like if you want to fuck someone

it's a it's a dumpster fire I thought that I would check tinder out because I'm kind of just looking to like hook up right now you know at this point in my life and even then for me it was like just too much it was like there's just a lot of really crazy stuff going on on tinder and I was not expecting it people are so open about and guys don't like you guys don't know this but Amelia downloaded tinder while she was in Florida worst place to get tinder yeah it's like worst place i feel like florida is just like a lawless swamp oh you never know like what you're gonna get or who you're gonna get remember when that guy like was high on bath salts and ate someone's face yeah that's that was like 2012 it was not that long ago yeah but no the men on tinder in

south florida like whatever you're expecting them to be like it's exactly that like they are the epitome of florida man yes they are they oh my god it's i don't even yeah i don't want to like stereotype you know but that's them but the florida men on tinder are just florida men from the headlines yes it's no no that's so real it's so real the men in florida are just alligators there's so much alligators on the app it's pretty yeah you know they all look like uh uh fucking joe exotic but they're alligators florida well at least um carol baskin was in florida yeah um but yeah no there's so there's tinder there's bumble there's hinge um the league have you heard of the league i have heard of the league but i also heard it's like

not as exclusive as it sounds oh no it's not they do like a psychology thing where they're like there's 700 people in line ahead of you and then like you get in the next day yeah and then there's raya which would be so cool if we were on right i have a few blue check marks following me and i keep hoping that i can like work it into convo okay well amanda stanton from the bachelor could not get on raya what really yeah and i was like if this bitch can't get on it i wonder if that's how um channing tatum met jesse j i always wonder how these celebrities like run into each other you know what i mean because it's like you don't run in the same circle you guys aren't both at the grammys like what do you have to be doing to get on raya probably not podcasting about it

but you never know maybe like please let us go on ryan podcast about it yeah you can be like a big advocate for raya you never know but so okay there was another one um i think i might still have it that was like you have to um no i deleted it but it was an app that was like you have to be accepted based on how hot you are literally that was how they judged it but then you also have to get through this barrier of um like them validate or verifying that it's actually your face yeah and it has like 6 000 but it's like but then it takes like six months for them to validate that it's actually you yeah you might already be in a relationship by then and like who nobody's ever heard of this app so it's like why is it taking so long for are you stealing my identity because

there's no way they had like four thousand five star reviews but then like you sort it by like lowest first and everyone's like this is a scam they make you pay money to do it so there's all of these apps that are trying to like put like like tap into the market of lonely people right now and and still you're like it's so sad but there's a million of all hours are sad boy hours when you're in quarantine. That's so true. But my, my brother met his fiance on OkCupid. So I am like a huge, and he, their whole thing was like, he was so over the whole dating app thing. And then he was like, I'm going to send one more message. And if this doesn't work, then it's just not going to work. And God was like, got you. Yeah, seriously. He sent her a message that was

like, you're not going to respond just like everybody else. But like, I thought you were cute and um hey and she responded and she was like this is what i would have said so try again and try harder and like sent him a damn good for her and now they're engaged they have two cats that's beautiful they bought a house they're getting married in april so i'm like a big believer in dating apps like i have this like this image of what could happen and so i don't know i'm like a big fan when i had okay cupid that was also in like 2014 and like i know that their um user experience is a lot better now but before like when i was on it in 2014 i would get so many fucking messages because there's like so many people on there but then there's also not

really an algorithm to be like oh we think you guys would be a good match based on xyz um they don't match like percentages on okcupid like you guys are like a 90 match i think that they did from what i'm remembering but it wasn't it didn't filter it out like there wasn't like a mutual option it was just like they could just message you got it oh i see what you mean so i'd get messages and they'd just be like hey and if i like didn't message back which like i have a full-time fucking job i'm not on okay cupid all day and if you don't message back within like a few hours they're like fuck you you're not even that pretty so i deleted okay messages on okay cupid uh-huh damn and then i'd be like i get i have a lot of messages because there's no fucking filter

and like also you're a dick but why is that is that ever a move that's worked for them like that you they're like you're fucking ugly and then the girl's like oh my god i'm so sorry you're right like i actually do want to talk to you i need your approval yeah and you're the only person that's gonna make me feel good about myself well you know they're doing it to make themselves feel better yeah oh my god that's so real anyway um we're gonna go into some story times about our dating app experiences I kind of have had like a few guys I call it I say it as like guys in the rotation so ever since quarantine started I've always had like at least three guys in the rotation I call it my roster yeah I call it a roster I'm drafting these boys bitch this is my

fantasy football team you're a second draft yeah second round draft pick and that's all you're ever going to be and I'm such a masochist because like the guy who's like my number one does not live here oh god I shouldn't even say that you don't know you might have multiple guys that don't live here you might yeah I didn't even want to say how I met it's gonna be so obvious I'm not I don't want to include this again that's also not a dating app story so you don't have to if you don't want to yeah so I always I like to have like three guys in the rotation on the roster on my fantasy football team at least three at least yeah and my reasoning for this is because like there's always one guy who's your number one you like him the most but if you're only

focusing on that guy you kind of like lose perspective oh my god you just like hyper focus on shit you're like is he talking to other girls like you hyper analyze yeah exactly anything they do yes you're just like looking into it and trying to find a deeper meaning have your second go-to guy that you're gonna like flirt with um and like that you like and you enjoy his company and you know what maybe your number two will like bump that number one down you don't know yeah you don't know it just makes you feel a little more level 100 it's weight it's weight distribution yeah well because and it also kind of puts into perspective like who you are like um to these guys which is just like honestly if you play it cool and then if you're like not taking trying to

make something serious right away yes you can kind of level out and be like okay what do i actually want also like why is this guy making me feel like i need his attention like shit like that yeah and then it removes some of the like if you feel like they might be talking to somebody else like you're also talking to somebody else like who the fuck yeah it hurt a little bit less which is like I mean there's a lot to be said about that but when you're hyper focusing on someone you're making it more about yourself than you are about the relationship yes yeah so I think that's what helps you pull it out is like I need to like level myself by talking to other people as well and like reminding myself like yes I am like I feel confident and then suddenly I start dating

and then I'm like questioning don't you hate that and you never wanted to get to that point you don't you don't want you're like I fucking love myself and I think I'm rad and then you start dating and you're like wait I don't actually know what anyone else is thinking ever yes so like you put weight on what other people are thinking about you and I fucking hate that like I never want to put how somebody else is feeling about me ahead of how I feel about myself and it just naturally happens yeah but yeah so I had this um experience on a dating app where um I'll start from the beginning I was at a restaurant with two of my friends you you know this story I'm telling you like you've never heard it but I have to so it's been a while it's been a long time so I was

at a restaurant with my two friends I was sitting at a table and this guy walks in and he sits one table this was pre-quarantine life um so the restaurant was packed so sad the RIP those days um and he sat down at the table like kind of diagonal to us hi and um I looked at him and I said out loud to my friends that I was with I was like that is my soulmate for sure and I don't know what made me feel like that but it was kind of like I had like it felt like I recognized him but I I don't think I've ever seen him it was one of those yeah situations where it's like I'm like my soul recognizes his soul real recognize real recognize real but I was like I like it was one of those restaurants that if like if I were to go up to him and be like hey it'd be like we are

fully at like a sit-down restaurant you need to not be walking up to our table like if it was at a bar i'd be like what's up boo but it wasn't one of those situations um but he got up and left as people do in restaurants and he sat down he ate and then he got up and then he left yeah but he was he kept pulling out his passport when he was sitting down and like i i was like is he foreign like am i never going to see him again is he from like somewhere in europe and this is my soulmate i'm just never gonna know who he is um so anyway he got up and left and i said literally out loud I was like if it's meant to be our paths will cross again and then two months later I was on hinge and this guy pops up what do we call him we're gonna call him Texas because that's where

he is now which I'll get to it's a Texas uh pops up on my on my hinge and I was like why does this guy look so familiar and I couldn't figure it out uh but he had a picture on there of him um on that instagram page hot dudes reading yeah and so i went i was like i gotta who is this so i went to i'm gonna rudely interject and say like if you're not following that account you totally should oh it's the best because the hot dudes reading are so incredibly hot they're so hot oh god i love an intellectual yeah and it's like are they reading books on purpose like yeah and what kind of books and why is it so attractive that they're reading a book there's something so sexy about it just anyways they all have so many muscles okay they do what is that just like

books are so heavy it's like oh damn these big ass muscles need to hold this tiny ass book i can hold you like this tiny book flip through my pages i want you to read my body in braille yeah oh my god i'm braille baby read me like i'm braille i should say that to the next guy oh i like that i like it but that's good okay anyway follow that page so i went to that page full this is actually part of our like another part of this conversation that we want to have is about social media um so i went to the hot dudes reading instagram page this post was from 2017 so i had to dig for a very long time and i found the post and i went through the i knew that his friends would be

tagging him in the comments and so they did um ended up being one of a mutual friend i don't think i told you that we it was a mutual friend that tagged him you know that our only mutual friend um they went to school together he's not from here he's from texas which is why he is r.i.p goodbye called texas oh we love you and uh i put two and two together and i'm like oh my god it's the guy from the restaurant and so i was like okay i'm gonna give him a second to like me back on hinge but then if he doesn't like me back on hinge i have to allow enough time for him to remember that he didn't like me back on hinge before i follow him on instagram because like if if i saw somebody on hinge and then i said no to them and then they followed me on instagram i'd be

like what the fuck i need to get a restraint like a full restraining order so i left enough time and then finally it was like these quarantine days and like my breakup's been really hard and so like i was just like one of these days i was like fuck it and so i followed him on instagram the issue is that he was private so like if he like why would i follow him his his picture was not like a good picture of him it's not like I like found this random hot guy on Instagram and decided to follow him there was no context clues for who this guy was so I clearly had to have sought him out I was going back and forth so he so he I followed him he accepted my follow request he followed me back and I texted Liz and I was like Liz I have to tell this guy how I know him because like

he's I have to tell him he's my destiny and Liz was like listen don't and I had I had asked a bunch of people and they were all like yes like 100% tell him like that's that's including my my father he was like you have to tell this guy how you know him like you saw him in a restaurant then you saw him on hinge and liz was like you are going to scare this poor man away like please do not well and as someone okay so i was also thinking of it from the perspective like if a guy did that to me i would be fucking it'd be scary on the converse of it yeah well and i guess i don't know like i wasn't even thinking like how i would feel as a man i was thinking how i would feel as myself because I've had experiences where like guys have shown up to my place of work or like sent me shit

and like everyone's watching or like you're like I didn't know that you like went to these lengths to like know what I'm doing and you're not respecting like my space or something so like I'm just like if the control is ripped away from me I kind of panic totally and it's so that's what I was 100% when I gave you that oh my god no totally and that was I mean it was good advice because it's like I mean the only frame of reference we have is like from like a woman's perspective yeah I talked to my dad about it and I said that to him too I was like if a guy came up to like if he found me on a dating app and he was like I sell you a restaurant I'd be like you this is this is the end of this conversation right but then my dad was like no like for men like that

amount of being forward is like kind of attractive like so who knows you know what I mean it's like to hear that perspective but it was I know we should have a guy on to talk about that because it's like I didn't want to risk it because like if this guy is is my destiny I'm like don't want to scare him away on the first jump but anyway we ended up like I really responded to one of his stories and like then he responded to one of mine and like we started just sending these like novels back and forth on Instagram um and then we started he like dropped his number at the end of one of the conversations he's like if you want to talk I know I was like okay I totally want to talk and so I texted him the next day and like we talked a bunch and um and then like we were

talking one day and he just like casually dropped that he's moving to texas and so he's there some guys on their profiles will say things like like one of the hinge prompts is like the biggest risk i've ever taken and they're like oh my god we need to talk about this yes but they're like they're i've seen like maybe 100 profiles of just like quitting my job and starting my own yes yes always what it fucking says so okay we need to have like a whole segment about fucking like profile anomalies like shit every basic guy says on their profile do you even know where to get into it now let's just get into it okay so this is shit that guys always say on their fucking profiles that i'm sick of seeing can i say the first one yes the prompt i'm overly competitive about everything

i hate that shit that's an immediate left swipe for me too i don't care how hot you are i don't care how driven you are if you say you're overly competitive about everything it's that's immediate no immediate a guy who has like so much testosterone that he needs to win everything like i have to win monopoly like i just like it's everything it's fucking every i oh it really grinds my gears and i'm telling you if there's any guys listening if you think you're being clever about saying you're overly competitive about everything you are a drop in the fucking bucket tell me what you're actually competitive about if you're competitive about flip cup flip cup say flip cup i think that's cute that's a cute answer like oh i get overly

competitive about board games cute same like let's talk about it it's just like so everything there's no way and also it's like a little too like i hate when a guy is competitive about anything really like maybe secretly i don't want you to be like advertising to me that you're competitive even about like just like be like fun things like thumb more like that you don't like that kind of that'd be cute it's like fun when it's like kind of a playful i've never seen an answer like that though it's like every time i've seen that prompt it's like i'm overly competitive about everything I'm like wow you're probably the fucking worst you sound like a Chad yeah oh my god real though it sounds like that's such a Chad answer there's nothing there's nothing sexy about

everything no there's nothing sexy about it so that's the sun that's one and that's one that I see everywhere and then another one fish I feel like it's a joke at this point like guys know that their profiles is always them holding a fucking fish and i okay so back in 2014 when i had bumble for like the very first time i started an album on my phone called dumb fucks with fish because i was like why do all these guys why are they all holding a fucking fish and it was like a brand new thing at that point like guys didn't know that this was a commonality between them and I just I don't get it like and I know I don't know explain like the conversation okay so I yeah I had a I had a conversation last week with um the actually the guy that I was talking about

having the career that I'm like admirable or I admire um he was talking about I I had this whole approach to it where I was like I feel like men post these pictures of them holding fish so that they can show that they can provide like I I honestly I was doing this I was like psychoanalyzing the fuck out of this it's like if the apocalypse happens babe i could catch you this i'll catch you this fish and that's what i was really thinking and i told him that he was like this is it's not that deep it's not that's literally what he said he's like it is not that deep there is no way that we're thinking that hard about it he thinks that the whole thing is like and this is the same thing a lot a lot a lot of what i see is like men giving speeches at their friends

weddings yes the best man the best man and everybody has it and it's usually um like damn how many guys are best men like so I know and I was thinking to be 29 when I'm the maid of honor for the very first time in my life it's rare I'm like why are so many of these men and maybe they're like in their like sister's wedding you know what I mean and there's like no way to know but it's like I was looking at that and they're usually comorbid with the fish pictures and I told him that and I was like are they trying to show me that they provide and also they can they're public they're charismatic they have friends that who want them to be in their wedding I was like and he was like no the thing is is that men unlike a lot of women in these situations they

can be like take a picture of me bitch like they can't do that with their guy friends so a lot of the time when they're getting their picture taken it's like look at this fucking fish I caught or it's like a professional photo of like I'm speaking at this wedding and that's where it ends and I was like I am so unsatisfied with that answer I'm so unsatisfied I like there has got to be a reason but other than that alternative okay a guy takes a mirror selfie what do you think oh I fucking hate i hate it too it's like and it's always awkward it's not like they're fucking hot it's just like a fight like toothpaste on the mirror or something and this sounds it's it's only when i see it on a dating app that i'm like this is kind of weird like or if they take a

selfie and it's not like a cute selfie with like a pet or something if it's just a selfie of their face then it's weird yes yeah where you know it's not like us where like I can like set up my ring light and take like a really fucking cute picture and then that's on my profile and like that's what's popping yes I need to say every for every fish picture I've seen the amount of times I've been on water and not seen a single guy like fucking fishing and holding up a fish like I've never seen like a young hot guy out fishing like when the fuck are all of these guys fishing that is what confuses me yeah that's so true there's so many like lakes and shit in washington and i'm just like how the fuck are you where are you that you're fishing it doesn't make any sense like i've

i've been on so many lakes i haven't seen a single guy my age out fishing what are you doing this i feel like they all do it at like 5 a.m you know what i mean like before the wakes before the girls are up before the girls can't let them know that we're fishing but we're gonna put it on our profile like listen bro i need a picture for my profile yeah why did you wake me up at 5 a.m so there would be no women if you want we gotta go fishing so i can get this picture for my profile bro i like so true that's the scenario that's a really good point i don't know i can't just fucking pose by myself i need to be doing something and i need to be doing something manly

fishing because bitches don't like when you're hunting i'm a provide that's true oh that's another thing if i see you guys hunting next i had on my profile for a while i'm like if you have a photo of hunting i've probably already left swiped on you so like don't waste your time because it's like i i mean i don't eat red meat i don't eat pork i don't want to see a dead i don't want to see i don't want to see a dead animal fish you can at least let them go i know i don't know what you did after you caught that fish i don't i don't want to i don't want to see you holding up like the horns or what is it the antlers of a deer i don't want to see it nobody thinks that's sexy so amelia and i matched with the same guy on hinge and had very similar experiences this is a

character trait of his i do want to preface this by saying like i use amelia as an additional hinge filter yeah because i like i don't i don't want to say like i'm lazy but like the likelihood that I've matched with a guy on Hinge like Amelia has probably already matched with him yeah because I'm swiping like crazy yeah she's she's on it she's like paying attention whereas I'm like I'll log on like occasionally I think it's a little bit of an annoyance to like message people like I'm not great at checking Hinge yeah I do enjoy it as an app like I think it's probably my favorite dating app but that being said like I'm not super active as far as like checking and responding and whatever like if you have responded to one of my things you might not hear from me for

like three months right no and I mean like honestly I've had so many bad conversations on hinge and I have had so many experiences if like that can be used for good and like make sure that Liz never has to deal with any of these guys well like it was not for nothing so I guess we've matched with the same guy like I'm on more than one occasion but like I guess two times have been influential like so one time this was the first experience we had where like I matched with Amelia or oh no I matched with a guy that Amelia had matched with and he was cute and then I like searched him and I saw that they were mutual friends so then I took a screenshot of it and I was like hey what do you know about this guy and he was like the photographer guy oh my god

this guy this is a short story but he got so fucking drunk on our date that the waitress had to cut him off and literally from the second that he got there to the time that we left he asked me no questions about myself and he talked the entire time so Liz sent me his photo and I was like nope don't do not do it like don't do it and then he like he also like slut shamed you right oh my god yes I so he had never seen lube before um lube lube lube lubricant I knew what lube was when I was like 10 and like I definitely had not had sex at that point yeah so like homie like boy what help me help you yeah like he this guy like he this is a very long story but I'll make it very short um I was giving him a hand job because like he wasn't trying to do anything other than that

which should have been a red flag number oh no like touch my dick only and who likes a hand I don't know anybody no one I have not given a hand job I think I've given two hand jobs in my life Yeah, I mean, like, I gave a lot of handjobs when I was a kid, like, when I was, like, 13. Like, so all this guy wanted was a handjob. BT Dubs never got anything in return. He came from a handjob, and then that was it. Oh, my God. Like, he kept asking, and then he just left my house.

He's Mormon. He must be. So he left my house after I gave him this sad, kind of dry handjob. A sad, dry handjob. He kept telling me to spit on my hand. yeah he was like can you spit on it again i'm like i'm running out of spit like this is taking too long because it's a hand job are you sure you don't just want to blow job right like i don't know and he's like no because that's oral sex and sex is in the word yes i can't do that well so i

was like okay well i'm gonna grab lube then because like i'm sick of spitting on my hand and i grabbed it and he was like what is that and i was like it's lube and he was like what's lube and I thought he was kidding so I started laughing and he was like like no actually like I don't like what is that for and so I had to pause our whole endeavor and explain lube to him as if it was sex ed and then at the end of our um endeavor I asked him a few questions about sex and he said that he doesn't like normally like hook up and I said to him because he's he's super hot he's hot yeah very hot from what i remember oh he's and he's hotter in person he's a and so i said to him i was like well i bet girls are always throwing themselves at you and he was like well you're

the one with lube oh my god i was like sir this is not a novel object no and also it's like have you never does he just like jack off dry all the time like have you right what do you use lotion is a lube yeah it is a lubricant have you never used lotion to like you know masturbate i feel like that's common it has to be I I don't know I don't have a dick but like I would I would imagine like you don't can do it right but I can't I I also think that many guys have probably used like lotion or something it's some olive oil if you're desperate you acted like I invented lube and I was like dude no like oh my god are you having so much are you giving out so many hand jobs that you need to use the lube Amelia you slut he brought it up so many times it was honestly I

know I know I know so Liz sent me this he was she was like yeah yeah so I was just like I saw that they were that they were following each other so I was like oh how does she know this guy and then I sent her a screenshot of like his profile and I was like hey have you matched with this guy before and then you were like oh my god and she told me her horror story of a date and like how this guy's probably a virgin but also slut shamed her and like if you're a virgin that is so fine that is totally okay yeah that was the whole thing it's like if you can totally be a virgin but you can deal you are not allowed to like beg for a hand job essentially like no my god that was the whole thing it's like so we and then slut shame the girl giving you a hand job for knowing more about

sex than you it was honestly it was absurd he we made out on our first date in the car and then the next day he came the next day he was like he was like can i come over and i was like i'm gonna get sex tonight and so he shows up in his sweatpants don't show up to somebody's house in sweatpants if you're not trying to take them off like that sends a message in my opinion it sends a message because you can see their dick directly right i see i see a different and i feel like you're trying it and this guy was not and so he brings in this bottle of wine liz did i tell you about the wine when i first talked to you about this he so i you did but i don't remember he brought this wine and he was like this wine is like 300 he's like i've been

looking for an opportunity to drink this 300 bottle of wine my friend has this box of wine that she got from work she's a sommelier like it's this whole thing anyway so when he left i looked up the wine and it was six dollars this wine was six dollars the lie to try and flex on yes but also to be like i'm bringing you this 300 bottle of wine i don't need it i didn't ask for it give me a hand yes yes and then also for him to us to be making out him to be whispering sweet nothings in my ear and then probably be oh yes spit on your hand baby girl yeah right like again i'm never going to virgin shame anybody that is a choice and that is that is your prerogative no shame but don't like be talking sexy in my ear and acting like you're trying to like get it in

and then shame me for having lube it doesn't that does not line up it doesn't line up it don't make no sense it don't make no sense but so we had that experience of Liz sending me the screenshot using Amelia as a filter to like first line of defense yeah but I like then after that after that experience I had sent her like more than one that I've been like yes or no have you matched with this guy or like I had send you I had sent you screenshots of a guy and then you've been like oh my god I matched with him so I was like oh shit if we're matching with the same guys she might already have like a weird ass story like she did about this like handjob guy that's his name now his handjob guy like so then you know that's like less time i have to waste like

fucking talking to this guy anyways when i matched with him he ended up like blocking me but it's i don't think i knew that i he like the match disappeared i'm assuming he either unmatched with me or blocked me because he saw that we knew each other oh yeah that's fair which you know yeah that he did not leave a good impression he probably was aware that he did not leave a good that was also the last time i saw him he i know i i said to him when we were making out i said something along the lines of like if we ever see like if we ever get to the next level and it was it was cute and it was in context it wasn't like creepy like it came up in conversation and he fully paused so like he was there for like a one night stand and that was it

but his one night stand was a hand job so i'm sure that he recognized that he probably left a very bad impression so it makes sense that if he saw you as mutual he's like oh this girl if they're friends then and obviously we have pictures together like he's probably like oh i'm it won't be long until she knows about oh yeah my shameful ham job right he'll get the story yeah so that was like our first experience where i've used amelia as a filter but there were so i was like I can't remember why but I had sent Amelia a screenshot it was oh yeah oh my god yeah no it was when yeah yeah it was okay so there was a blue check mark in my dms and I was like oh my god what do I say what do I do because I feel like blue check marks are in like Amelia's dms a little bit

more than mine actually that was my first blue check mark experience that was a good first one it was excellent like he was very obviously flirting with me but I had no idea what the fuck to do so i sent her like the preview of my instagram dms um because you didn't want to open it and then have to risk because then the red because then the scene shows up i don't want to like leave him on red or anything or like let him know like i've seen it and i like don't know how to respond but also now that i'm thinking about it i'm like what a fucking flex would it have been for me to leave him on red so oh my god the power he probably wouldn't have given a fucker notice but but it would feel good for you yeah I would have been like damn this pussy's so powerful

but no so I yeah I had a blue check mark in my dms and I we were like clearly flirting and I was like oh my god oh my god and so I had took a taken a screenshot and sent it to Amelia but there was a different guy who had been dming me that I wasn't really thinking about and then she was like wait how do you know this guy we're gonna call the other guy we're gonna call him french press and we'll get into that later but for story purposes his name is french press yeah um so she was like how do you know french press and i was like oh we matched on hinge like a long time ago but like i'm a flake on like messaging on hinge um and then she was like oh my fucking god like i matched with him on hinge like a year ago and he every time we were supposed to meet up he blew me on we would

be like at the same concert and then like the same place literally the same physical vicinity it felt very like like catfishy where like it would be like he would be there and i would be there and then he would just like disappear like i would be like okay i'm at this bar at this venue and he'd be like oh i actually just went home every like every single time there was one scenario where like he had texted me and been like hey we're at the same concert where are you but I had already left but I know for a fact if I was like hey I'm at this bar like in this venue like let's meet up he would have then left like that's just kind of that was his whole thing yeah and then like every time we were supposed to hang out he'd be like oh I don't know like I just want to write today

like I feel like writing today like can we take a rain check I'm a brooding writer like I need I need to act on this inspiration literally every single time and then there was one day that I was supposed to see him and like an hour before he texted me he was like hey are we still on for today I was like yes he's like great this is where we're gonna meet this is what I'm wearing like this is where like I'll see you in a few hours and then like right before like 20 minutes before he texted me and he was like hey this is actually not going to work out like I feel like if we were supposed to meet each other by now we would have and I was like what the fuck do you mean like the reason we haven't met show up yeah because you haven't shown up keep canceling on me and

honestly like disappearing into the night part of this is on me because I kept giving him so many chances but like what the fuck at a certain point it became a challenge I was like I have got to meet this guy like he has been blowing me off so many times like I have I have to meet him and um he said he sent me this long thing that was basically like yeah like I feel like it's just not like 2019 this is last year he's like 2019 it's just kind of been a weird year um I what excuse does this man not have seriously every single excuse so i don't know his life he just kind of dropped off so i he told me he was like anyway i'm gonna fade into the mist and i was like great perfect bye and then that was it but i was so my ego was so shot by it and i don't

know why because it takes a lot to have my ego shot like if a guy is like indifferent when i think it was just because like i spent so much time on trying to make this happen and it didn't happen okay i can lean into like i can feed into exactly why it does shoot your ego and it's because he's so specific about the way he flirts with you yes like he is clearly paying attention and he's very clever and witty and like continues like a previous joke maybe you guys already have yeah so it's clearly like he's paying attention he's invested in the conversation in your history um he goes out of his way to like flirt with you so it's not like yeah it's not like you're like texting him and fishing for like this conversation it's like he initiates it and then for him to be

the initiator but then also like when you're like okay like yeah let's meet up finally yeah he blows you off and then you're like what the fuck you were the one who were who was pursuing me it's a game you're the one who was putting in all of this effort and like whatever the fuck is going on with him personally where he needs to do that to know i think it's like he needs to know that he can get you yeah we're but it's also not really like that like no that's not the truth no so I think he's just like a big so and so that was the end of that situation and I and I hadn't heard from him for a long time yeah and then Amelia's like how do you know French press and I was like oh we matched on hinge like a long time ago and then um I think he deleted it and I like I hadn't been

on I wasn't fucking paying attention and then he like started following me on Instagram randomly and i recognized him i was like oh yeah we matched on hinge and we had a conversation and then i followed him back and then like he had just like responded to a few of my stories we just had like a normal like like a normal like yeah yeah we're kind of flirting whatever conversation so then i explained that to amelia and then um like and then he was like i don't even like i can't remember like how we exchanged numbers but we ended up having each other's number and then I'd like I don't remember if I gave it to him on hinge or on Instagram or what the fuck like I was not super invested um and I'm just generally not invested in anything but he yeah

so then we we were like he was like yeah do you want to like meet up and granted like it's quarantine time so like the if I'm hanging out with someone it's I'm hanging out with that one person for the whole week like I'm single I'm not seeing anybody I'm going to the grocery store and that's about my maximum interaction besides like fucking zoom calls so I was like yeah it's fine if I meet this guy and he lives down the street from me so that being said like I he was like hey do you want to hang out since we coincidentally like live down the street from each other and I was like yeah sure fuck it like like what else am i gonna be doing so walking around the block again thinking about how no one's touched me since september

like yeah i need to walk it off guys f's in chat so yeah so i was just like yeah i'll like walk down the street to your house it'll take me five minutes i was 20 minutes late even though he lives three minutes away what was your reason what were you doing i was just like i i was doing my makeup but also i was messaging like the guy i have a crush on that is the best reason to be late to french yeah i was messaging a different guy that's why he deserves it he does deserve it like listen you weren't even on my roster yeah until i met you you didn't make top three yeah so he wasn't in my top three good he shouldn't be like my face no so i went to his place and he's like super personable so okay this is why his name is french press i get in there and he has like

a million french presses he has so many fucking french and they're all well loved yeah they're well loved french presses i wasn't like damn that's a nice brand new french press he just had a lot of french presses and like stacks of coffee beans i didn't ask about it but his entire place smelled like coffee we like had a good time we were just like drinking and hanging out and then um the night was wrapping up and then he was like can I kiss you and I was like sure and that's like a big thing was he like sexy about it when he asked uh like how did he ask I'm trying to remember like so he only had this small ass couch how small though like like that one he had two people like a loveseat couch he had a loveseat couch and then he also had a chair

but there was a bunch of stuff on the chair so i had to sit next to him in the love seat he planned that probably he put all that shit yeah he picked up all the shit from the floor and put it on the chair so i couldn't sit there so i was sitting like directly next to him and then we saw like the time it was kind of getting late and then i was like oh i have to go home soon because it was like a sunday and i had to work on monday and then he was like well should we make out before you leave and then i was like yeah sure let's do it i kind of like that amount of yeah forward though and then he like put my legs over his lap and like got in a little close yeah and then and then we like made out a little bit was he a good kisser no that's good to know that's good but okay so he

was he was shaking and i mean he could probably say the same thing about me he's like maybe maybe i was not a good kisser but it also could just be like your lips just didn't yeah we just didn't fit together yeah but he was like shaking probably from all the french press yeah i'm like are you shaking from the coffee or the anxiety or both um i haven't like been like nervous enough to be like quivering to make out with someone since i was like 13 um and then so we make out for a maximum of three minutes and he's like do you want to go upstairs and he like motions to like so he lives in a studio with a loft and he motions to his loft that has like this weird like armchair next to his bed that clearly like kind of doesn't fit there but it's there he likes to

like he's like he's like i want a lot of vintage armchairs regardless so where do you find that like what yeah on the curb i wonder if he like reads in that chair i'm like curious i like i wish i could have like taken more mental pictures but it was just like general like stacks of things that like a hipster would have like multiple french presses he feels like a cartoon of like a seattle hipster yeah he like definitely leaned into that narrative anyway he's probably if he listens to this i'm sure he's like gonna be like oh man bless him oh so he's like do you want to go like to the bed and I was like I was like no not tonight bye like I was like yeah no not tonight thank you though and then um he's like okay and then essentially was like I'm done now like leave

which is it was getting late so that's fair um but I wasn't like kind of I wasn't like stoked about how he handled it but also i was like not stoked of like okay um you're inviting me to sleep with you and i'm saying no and then you're like okay thanks please leave so that's annoying um especially for someone who is in their 30s and like he kind of seems like soft boy woke like fake woke like amelia just raised her eyebrows at me like bitch you just said it but he's like he's almost like fake woke i'm sure he like sincerely um stands by these beliefs but sometimes it seems like it's for the benefit of um entertaining and impressing women yeah it doesn't seem sincere no you hate to see it so so continue because the story gets better believe it

or not so like yeah we have we have this like quote-unquote date and it was it was like enough for me to be like yeah there are like a few things that I'm not stoked about but also I'm mostly really looking for like a fuck buddy who is a decent human um that's generally where my head's at right now so I was like oh yeah I haven't had sex since September spoiler alert on my sex life I have not had sex since September and it's depressing as hell but it's fine it's because I'm exclusive about who I want to fuck that's not a bad thing it's really not like if I'm gonna have sex with you it better be fucking good yeah and it will be good if I like you a little bit like if I like you as a person so he was in that potential of like okay yeah I think

you're a decent enough human that I do want to fuck you maybe like let's see what happens but also just like work has been really busy anyways um so we have that date we kind of don't really talk for a couple weeks because I'm just like I realized I didn't text him back and I had not noticed that until like a week ago and um he would randomly dm me on instagram like um respond to like a story or something um and was like super flirty with me and then like for like a week i realized like oh shit i didn't text this guy back it like totally fell off my radar so i like started texting him and then we were like it was just very flirty like he was like saying I was sexy like stuff like that stuff like that and then um like there's no question that he's yeah

there's absolutely no question he's flirting with me um and and he was just like very clever a lot of like witty banter which is like heroin to me I fucking love witty banter um so it's just like super obvious we're flirting and then I was like hey do you want to hang out again he was like oh yeah let's totally hang out whatever um I'm gonna pull up the conversation please do you need to read a verbatim yeah so so I'm under this impression like we're gonna hang out he's being super flirty with me um he like up until the day we were supposed to hang out he was like drunk texting me he was like sending me flirty dms on instagram it's not like we were on one outlet flirting and then um the day comes where i like so first i texted him like oh how was your night

after he drunk texted me and he didn't respond and then a few hours later and i said did you still want to hang out because i'm like trying to do shit with my day and then he says hey sorry for not responding earlier i've been seeing someone recently in general and with this pandemic shit going probably shouldn't hang my apologies so this was at 7 p.m yeah 7 p.m at the end of the day yeah so cold and dismissive and then like I was pissed um because like he wasted my entire fucking Saturday I could have gone and done other shit so that's why I was annoyed because I was like okay I'm waiting for him to respond whatever um so at first I was kind of like dismissive and I was like lol all good thanks for letting me know and then I was like no you know what I'm

like I know in my heart I'm never gonna like fuck with this guy again so I'm just gonna say what I want to say so I said just wondering why did you flirt with me all week and make plans if there was someone else you knew would probably not be too happy about it I'm not mad or anything but your response seems a little cold which is confusing and I would have liked to know sooner so i could have made other plans like i think it's extreme so who knows if he's sincerely telling the truth about like if there's another girl but if he is that is so incredibly fucked up to this girl that up until like less than 12 hours ago you were very blatantly flirting with me 100 had intentions to see me as far as i knew so i think that's fucked up and also like i don't want to be

the other person no i don't want to be the other girl no i mean it's fucked up if he is seeing someone and it's fucked up if he isn't because he's lying about it if he isn't yeah so no matter how you spin it i'm an adult i like if you're just not feeling it that's fine just say it like it's gonna suck in the moment and clearly this isn't like the first time you've like blown off a girl at the last minute yeah so then he said so i said like why would you do this etc if there's another person and he said because i'm indecisive and have been trapped in my apartment for over two months probably those two main things sorry if it came off as cold and yeah i probably should have been more communicative you're right that's okay this is that no no okay i'm gonna finish the conversation

and we'll like get into it i said that's fair i appreciate your honesty well hope it works out haha and maybe don't dm girls if you know it would hurt someone else's feelings because it also hurt my feelings a little bit too and he said sorry about that you seemed to enjoy the banter and i clearly do as well more times in front of our phones than usual deaf understand okay so answer him after that no good so the thing that's fucking annoying about this is like he always has an excuse he's like a total victim to his own action yep and then also saying like you're right shuts down the other person like he doesn't have to get into a debate he doesn't sincerely believe that I'm right otherwise like he wouldn't have done this no um and like history is telling us this

is his personality is to to do this um and I know for like Amelia has told me like he said the same thing to her like oh yeah oh you're right I totally should have right I'm in the wrong here yeah like oh you have every right to be mad at me but then his behavior doesn't change it's the same that's the thing it's like it's like admitting responsibility to it does not really matter if you're not like showing that you act like yeah his his actions never ever back up how he's I feel like he just accepts responsibility just to end the conversation because yeah that because you can't say anything to that it's like yeah you're right and it's like yeah no I know I just said it and so that's like where the conversation ends and I think he's had enough of these scenarios

that he recognizes that like oh if i just say you're right he's going to hear shit from the women that he ended it with and then do it to another girl yes and he doesn't have to deal with any consequences perfected the conversation if he just admits that he's wrong even if he it's it's like admitting that you're wrong does not remove the fact that you're wrong and like i think that he thinks that if he just shuts it down then like that's it and like we don't need to have another conversation from here on out but like there are feelings involved yeah it was a different because I'd never met him but even in that sense we had been talking for a full year yeah a full year you had so many opportunities to meet yes and then I'm like how have you even

dated anybody if this is like how it goes down yeah so Amelia gave me a fair warning and when I met with French press for the very first time I let him know immediately I was like yeah I'm good friends with him with Amelia and then he was like oh fuck yeah like I did not like treat her great like he admitted to me at the gate so like that gave me a little bit of like um i'm like oh okay well if he is recognizing this and knows like his behavior isn't like ideal then um at least there's some level of self-awareness but it was not enough no it really never yeah and so i i just like there's not enough self-awareness to where he gives a shit about how his behavior is impacting other people and it doesn't matter if like you know Amelia and I are pretty straightforward of

just like yeah I'm gonna be vulnerable enough with you to let you know that this did hurt my feelings and and then he's like oh thanks for making me feel bad I know he said that to you yeah he was like oh that makes me feel worse and then it's like Amelia's not making you feel bad you being held accountable for your own actions is making you feel bad I'm just telling you how it is I'm not intentionally making you feel bad you know you are not worth enough of my energy to try to make you feel bad i'm just telling you how it is yeah you feel bad your behavior hurt my feelings yes so right and like it would be stupid for me to keep it to myself because like i deserve to share how your actions have made me feel yes okay we have another question here how do you land a

fuck boy i know you're not supposed to but they're hot okay yeah the end of it is okay um okay so my personal like if you're trying to date a fuck boy don't just don't just don't do it um if you're trying to fuck a fuck boy i would say um mirror their behavior yes that's such good advice yeah like if they're coming at you with this fuck boy energy come at them with fuck boy energy yeah i think that that's probably the best way because not like like liz said leave that boy on red don't like do not try to date a fuck boy don't because like I feel like all like everybody comes into situations like I can change them and like you can not they can only change themselves I guarantee you he can change himself or or a therapist can change him and that's not you

sweetie it's not you sweetie you can't you can't change him you can't you can't make a man self aware no you've got to get there himself really cannot cannot it takes some personal work and that is not um you're not involved in that yeah if you want to have like sex or like have a casual like sexual relationship with a fuck boy i think um maybe out the gate give them the same energy back match their energy like you are not going to do more for a fuck boy than he's going to do for you no um definitely not because you're just going to end up disappointing yourself if you put too much energy forward into a dude that's not ready to pay attention to you then you're going to end up disappointed and you're going to be upset at yourself because you knew going in

that he's a fuck boy and then you're like why the fuck did i spend all this energy on him and also do not remind yourself that if this like fuck boy is gonna give you attention another guy 100% will give you absolutely do not focus all your energy on this one fucking guy like he doesn't deserve it first of all if he's not gonna do the work to get all of your attention then he doesn't deserve it no but that being said like i totally condone like yeah you should totally fuck with a fuckboy that's super fun absolutely have a good time and enjoy yourself and be safe doing it but also make sure like your expectations for yourself are clear and your expectations of him are clear so if you guys are going to have like a casual and sexual relationship make that clear from the

get-go um and maybe that's unpopular but like that might be your expectation is just like yeah I just I only want to have sex with someone right now and if you tell him that from the beginning and honestly maybe this is like a little controversial for me to think but if you tell someone from the beginning like listen I like only want something casual and I just want you to know that they it turns on a switch in them like where they're like gonna get a little competitive oh my god that's so real I think that there's like a bio I mean I say this to you all the time Liz I think that there's like a biological aspect of that yeah it's like being of competing for your your affection absolutely and I like I don't condone like saying that because you want to

trigger a guy only say it if you mean it exactly like for I don't want to fuck around with like my feelings and someone else's feelings like I'm very straightforward of of what my expectations are what i want or where i'm at emotionally with a guy um so i wouldn't condone telling a guy like oh i just want something casual if truly deep down that's not what you want because he's gonna be able to recognize it oh yeah based on your behavior like you can say like oh yeah i just want to i just want like a casual hookup uh your behavior is not going to reflect what you're saying no and they'll be able to sniff that out real quick yeah well we all have we all have that gut instinct of just like yeah okay you're telling me this is what you want but your

behavior is not reflecting that oh my god no one's stupid yes yeah so if if your words better match your actions yeah otherwise you're gonna end up hurt i do not condone anyone dating a fuck boy no never i mean i think that's the bottom line i think that that's that encompasses everything that we're saying fuck a fuck boy great fuck a fuck boy date a fuck boy never date a fuck boy girl you deserve better yeah yeah that's the thing is like recognize your worth because there are amazing men out there that have the qualities that you're looking for in a fuck boy that you like because you don't like the fact that he's a dick you don't like you like that he's hot and that he is chill that's basically the two qualities you like that he's hot you like that

he's chill and then there's always like a little bit of mystery i think that i know for me i'm like i love a good hurt boy i'm like oh your girlfriend hurt you your ex-girlfriend hurt you come sit in my lap and tell me all about it yeah come to daddy but that's the thing is like you don't need like you don't need that project there's something that's there's something attractive about it that's like the mystery is so attractive but like once you pull back those curtains like you might not like what you find so like and if you're attracted to a project you need to look at yourself right you need therapy the real project is you yeah if you're looking to solve or like fix another person it's because you're avoiding looking at yourself 100 but thanks for following

along with the ride with us thanks for writing to us and thanks for sharing your stories with us yeah i know that it takes a lot of um vulnerability to and again it's anonymous but it's still like these are your experiences so it means a lot that you share them yeah and we love you we love you okay bye my children goodbye our children Oh my god.