The Hoely Hour - E20 BDSM, Red Robin & Crying

Episode Date: December 11, 2020

On Prozac 40 hours a week, you could call us Pro-fessionals. Join us for some real talk girl talk about mental health and growth. Also, can you be hot and be good at your job? Let's ask Liz. Amelia ends up on KinkTok. Subscribe to her OnlyFans, which is exclusively eczema feet pics. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

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$15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. New customer offer for initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. me slow when network is busy see terms it's just i'm there for the fries the fries and the vibes the fries and the vibes red robin yum this is not sponsored by red robin i was about to say this podcast is free marketing a commercial for bdsm and red robin yeah bdsm red robin and uh welcome to the holy hour i'm amelia samson and i'm liz ball i don't know why it's weird for me to make eye contact with you when i say my name i always feel so weird i always look away i don't know why you're reminding me that you're amelia samson just so you know just so we're on the same

page okay let's do that crack beautiful i'm excited to hear how that sounds on the new mic it popped it's my favorite sound in the world it did in a good way i am now seeing the same psychiatrist that amelia is seeing i am obsessed with her she's amazing i know um and she prescribed me prozac for my anxiety so now we have the same psychiatrist and the same anti-anxiety oh my god and the same podcast wow what can't we do and then i was like i was like do you think that um we're just becoming the same person we're just morphing more and more into each other it's fine our voices are becoming like it's bound to happen yeah we're one of those podcasts which one's talking who's who um i hate those podcasts yeah except for our yeah we're the yeah um and

then I was like at the end I was like do you also think maybe like I have ADHD because I'm I'm not sure and she's like yeah a lot of those symptoms are similar so we can like narrow it down once you have been taking this for a little while then we can see how it's going yeah and I was like oh that's true I guess I don't need to figure it all out today yeah no it sucks with ADHD and anxiety because the ADHD medications make you more anxious yeah and then I was like having anxiety about taking an anti-anxiety medication that is the story like that yeah it's well and then um you and my boyfriend had a good point of like it's okay to be anxious about taking something that's going to change your brain chemistry and she she pointed out she's like there's multiple ways you

can change your brain chemistry one of them is therapy another one is medication can help and then I was like she do be right though did she draw um like she drew me a little graph she's amazing she's so sweet she really is I was like I'll tell you my life story girl she's so easy to talk to and she always just seems like genuinely interested in like your life which is really hard to find in prescribers because they're just like yep they're just trying to get as many people as they can through the door yeah that sucks and that like in this circumstance it feels like she is genuinely listening and she's also one of those like doctors that's like you don't have to take medication like you don't have to do anything you don't want to do yeah because a

lot of the times i think that we feel like one side we get a one size fits all assessment and one size does not fit all we're all so different yeah yeah and it sucks because this is not a small deal taking mental health drugs is not just like taking ibuprofen and i feel like a lot of prescribers treat it like that because they're like you know in the pockets of these like big pharma yeah you know absolutely I never felt like one of those like big pharma until I started seeing my old psychiatrist I mean it is so clear that you just wanna you just wanna get money I wanted to second hand strangle him yeah he was the worst but anyway I'm so happy me too you talked to her yeah and she like I felt really heard just because I was like I know my body well enough to know I'm

really sensitive to medication, which leads me to another point. Um, I was talking to my therapist this last week and I was explaining all of these different things. I was like, like why I wanted to add medication management to just like my mental health journey. And I was like, I just cannot function day to day. I don't know how I'm surviving at work. Like I'm getting all my work done, but I'm miserable. And it's not because of my work. It's because I can't focus. Right. So I'm just like, and then I'm like, can I not focus because I have ADHD or can I not focus because I have anxiety? And then I was telling her all of these little things that I do that like my family has always made me believe is like a result of being high maintenance, but it's not, it's because I'm

a highly sensitive person. And I was like, wait, that's a real thing. Like that's an actual title. And then the more I looked into it, I was like, this is me. And then like, cause anytime like I have um I don't know like my boyfriend's like you're really laid back and then I think about the times that my friends or someone I've been dating says that to my parents and they like laugh in my face and I'm just like it so then this entire time I've always thought like oh I guess I must be high maintenance but I'm not I just get overstimulated really easily so it's just nice to like not feel like I'm a crazy person there's something very relaxing about getting a diagnosis and I didn't realize that until I read about generalized anxiety disorder

like when I was like 17 I found out what GAD is and I was like oh my oh my god like this is all clicking into place like there's there's a name for these things that I've felt for so long so it's like just reading it and just knowing like it does feel so nice it does because you don't feel alone in it because of course you're not but knowing that there's like being able to put a word on something is so nice and I had that experience with my depression diagnosis like I was one of those people that never wanted to say that I was depressed I was just like I'm just sad I'm not I'm not depressed I'm not one of those people that are and then I got diagnosed and I just like and then I just started like saying that I was depressed and it started to feel more like an

identity in a way that I wasn't expecting it to like I just felt like that was like I felt seen by the diagnosis yeah um like now you're controlling the narrative yeah if that makes sense yeah um you're not like just kind of like a victim to like whatever is going on inside absolutely you're like I know what this is so um yeah having like a title to put to something is really helpful absolutely yeah well good I'm so glad that you're doing all of these things I'm taking all of these steps it's just like it's huge you're just like you're turning your life around and it was so helpful that she was just like uh if you don't like how this makes you feel you can stop taking it and I was like oh shit you're right yeah yeah you're just I don't

have to keep doing this if I like I'm not enjoying it it's not a contract I'm stoked I've been thinking about how I'm not the only one having this kind of like existential crisis because we're going through a global pandemic and that's something that none of us have ever experienced before in our lifetimes or like our parents or our grandparents right and um seeing like we're forced to question our belief systems and our belief systems are formed when we're children and most people get to live their lives never questioning it they're just like raised a certain way in a certain religion with certain beliefs and then you just live those beliefs and then you pass them on yeah and then you die believing those beliefs and then now we're like forced

to sit with ourselves and question our beliefs and be in a position where we can actually like stop and see the problems in our in our world like whether it's racial injustice or the government completely dropping the ball on handling this pandemic. Yeah. I don't know why I got off on that tangent. This is the first time I think that the world has all been experiencing something at the same time for a very, very long time. It's been this weird unifying thing. It's been like an entire like there's no like world culture, I guess, but it's like a full world culture reset. it's bizarre and i mean like america's really really shit the bed like i read today that one in 22 tests are positive in america right now one in 22 oh my god the fuck is that and like

then there are countries like australia hasn't had any like contact transmission in like three months i don't know if it's actually three months but like even even i just just a day here please yeah i just want a day of it so i hear what you're saying it's like a very like it's bringing everybody together and and keeping everybody it's it's almost like we're all experiencing like PTSD at the same time yeah because we're all seeing all of this death every day and it's affecting us in ways that I don't think that we know yet like um my best friend is getting her PhD in clinical psych and when this all started she said that they were already talking in terms of like pre and post pandemic like mindsets because this is going

to change everything about everything and that's just wild to think about like we're experiencing that right now and i don't think that we know right now how much it's going to matter in the future yeah because this is huge like i still think about ebola from time to time and that was like a fraction of this like but that was still wild when it was happening because people were actively afraid of ebola and like bird flu i was never afraid of any of those things i was like that'll never happen and that's how i felt about coronavirus i'm sure a lot of us did we're like oh it's gonna be fine this is just another one of those things yeah but turns out 10 months later how much has it been eight months it started in march yeah and um blockers when i think about

that like we've all been questioning our belief systems for almost an entire year and I don't know about you but like I have been very hard on myself for not like I'm an entertainer in general like I love cracking jokes and socializing and obviously we we co-host this podcast and it's like I love doing it, but I feel like I'm not interesting. And, and in my day to day life, I noticed that I'm like, Oh God, I'm not like interesting and quippy and funny enough because I'm having this like existential crisis. And I don't know, like, I don't know if you feel that way. If you're like, if you feel like you put a lot of pressure on yourself to like always be entertaining. I, I mean, in a lot of ways I do, I don't think that that's so much a function of

like what's going on right now though but it's it's interesting that you say this because I've noticed my mom asked me one day just like out of the blue she was like do you feel like you have to always be in a good mood around us and I was like no because I don't like around my parents I feel very comfortable but then I started thinking about it and I was like because I'm so like quippy and like bubbly and usually at least putting on a front that I'm in a good mood whenever I'm a little bit in a bad mood people are like Millie's being a cunt because like people don't aren't used to me being a type of way and so in that sense I'm really hard on myself to like be somebody who's always making jokes and always like happy and like the life of the party

because people will notice when I'm like not in my zone you know what I mean yeah but I'm the same as you like if I don't like I get the most like satisfaction out of making people laugh and like being entertaining and like I get genuine joy out of it it's like not like I feel like I need to be like I'm actually the happiest doing that and I I mean like film is gone right now because of the pandemic and so like I haven't had an opportunity to like tap into that piece of me in a long time and that's a part of the reason that TikTok has been so important to me because it's like I feel like I'm getting some of that back again like I'm getting to like make things again like entertain people so in the new season of Big Mouth there's this character that is the Tito the anxiety

mosquito so I feel like what was normally just like one little mosquito is now a swarm of mosquitoes so I'm constantly just like in my head of like oh my god I have anxiety about so many things like our planet is fucking dying and the government is failing us and as a as like a human race we have the resources to help each other but we just fucking won't because of money which is also made up and then I'm just going this spiral all the time I have this spiral constantly I'm just like oh my god why is this happening well we're being forced to look at like you were saying at the beginning of this conversation like we're being forced to look at things now which is great and horrible because and that's why i think that um this round of protests was as involved as it

was so many people got involved that i would have never have expected them to they got the opportunity to challenge their belief system 100 and we are able to watch what's going on we have so much access to knowledge now social media has been a blessing and a curse for so many of these things. I would say the best thing to come out of this pandemic is the level of honesty with each other that we have. I don't think like I think there's something to be said about people being genuine like on social media apps and I think like your growth on TikTok is a testament to that like um we're looking for ourselves in each other and having a community especially right now is I think we're really valuing that yes and um I think that a lot of

us have developed a lot of empathy because of that um that's huge and I think that's something that's really beautiful like yeah TikTok is the result of like a lot of hilarious things like yeah people make me laugh so hard on tiktok in under a minute and i'm just like how am i so lucky that i live amongst people that are this fucking funny yeah and then also just like seeing really genuine content like and even just like helpful content for people who can't afford therapy yes we never heard back from our twitter fight guy and i tried picking a different fight with him and he did not engage which twitter fight guy the one that was like with the avatar of like the the like drawing that was saying that like you look like a hooker and like you can't work in digital marketing

because you wear a dress yeah um just to catch up the listeners I got into this twitter argument because I had responded to a politician's tweet um about like a digital marketing specialist and I read the description and I was like this the the requirements for this like are sky high like and I mean we work in marketing we work in PR like and especially digital focused stuff so I was like um the this is not enough compensation for like what you're asking for even though I like very much admire and respect you and my twitter avatar is like me in a dress and thigh high boots and I'm like posing in a mirror and the dress goes up to my neck and it's like long sleeves which no one wants to talk about but someone was like you're a marketing

professional and you look like a hooker and yeah Amelia's rolling her eyes which and it just like goes to show like how you look has absolutely no like meaning or value towards whether or not you can do your job and if you could do if you can do it well it is just an outdated fucking point of view it's just old and tired it's so stupid and so Liz texted me and she was like I'm fighting with Trump supporters again on Twitter I was like oh I'm dropping everything I'm doing and I'm getting involved if people are being too mean to me I hit up Amelia I'm like someone's fighting with me um and I feel my heart rate raise like immediately and I just go on in my fight or flight kicks in and I I fight well and then obviously it's always someone who doesn't have a fucking

avatar so I said like why don't you show us what you look like and we can decide if you're capable of doing your job I I was just like I was on one I was like who's next bitch no and he was like well I I'm not full of myself so I don't take selfies all the time I'm like I no no no you know he said he said I'm not insecure so I don't take selfies all the time what the fuck kind of correlation is that such a jump too yeah and also it's like I'm not taking selfies all the time this is just my avatar it's just like and his avatar had like the facial hair of a trump supporter so i was like it was like a memoji yeah right who uses it was a bitmoji wasn't it no it wasn't i can't i truly can't deal so anyway we never heard back from him i tried getting involved

and then someone else was like what's your only fans and i said i don't have one but here's my venmo since i know you'll jerk off to my picture anyways it's so good i like these are things i don't even think i'm just like yeah fuck yeah this polish this politician should hire me if she wants me to clap back she's probably reading this like she's like fuck yeah we want her writing down her handle um speaking of only fans yes amelia has an only fan story and i have a million questions i texted liz last okay so i'm gonna i'm gonna back up i'm gonna start from square uno so um i got blessed and speaking of tiktok too i got blessed by the tiktok gods they put me on kink talk if you don't know what kink talk is or if you're not on tiktok as we were saying the

for you page like shows you what they think that you would be interested in seeing in the most basic of terms and somehow i ended up on kink talk which is like bdsm tiktok and it is actual heaven like it is the sexiest humans ever just like doing what they do is it like thirst trappy or what is it um it's yeah I'm trying to compare the kink talk I get and the kink talk you get interesting okay okay well so this specific example I'll explain um because it segues nicely into my OnlyFans experience um this man popped up on my For You page named Seth Donchess Donchess I don't know how to say it Seth Donchess Seth if you're listening tell us how to pronounce your last name yeah we need a lesson I need to know how to say your name okay so yeah how do I pronounce

my last name but he pops up and it's it's him doing asmr of like a like a kink scene and okay so if you guys don't know what a kink scene is um a scene is like it's like that experience within bdsm um so like each time you have sex is a different scene and it can entail something different like maybe it's role play maybe it's um like shibari which is like fancy bondage um shibari is pretty hot you should look it up okay i mean it's like i'm getting my ears this world that i haven't before up until this point i've had like a liz level of exposure just and even mine is just pretty uh i'm not super knowledgeable but you've you're like learning about it and it's yeah I've been like experiencing it through your eyes and then like porn like I've

always been like well in porn they're also not explaining things no and I'm not like this is shabari right exactly this is this kind of relationship this is a brat like right like you know I had no no I was just like I guess all of it is like intense and like painful all of its kink and all of it is you just get hit in the face a lot of leather yeah I'm like that's not it at all like there's so many levels to it it's a world and there's a whole quiz take the quiz yeah you'll learn some stuff in general people are pretty kinky but also having terms for it is like fun and like helps you explore yeah yeah yeah so that's like a scene is is just kind of like maybe you're role-playing maybe it's just like uh you have agreed to like do a certain kind of

BDSM experience together yeah um and it also doesn't have to entail sex but yeah that is what a scene is it yeah it runs deep and I have been so interested in learning more about this like there's a lot about BDSM not about but like on the peripherals of BDSM that I've always liked like I've always liked getting slapped like in the face well and then when I think about when you first told me that versus me now I I BDSM was one of those things that it was like I didn't realize I liked it until I experienced it yeah and then I was like oh yeah yeah yeah now I understand why Amelia liked getting slapped yeah and like choked and like degraded like I don't not like I don't want to like cry but like I love like being called names like I don't know what it is

like i just i've always liked it and so like so like some degradation names that are still hot is like fuck toy slut i love fuck toy let me just like say it with like so much finesse little fuck toy and then whatever you want to call your dom maybe he's sir maybe he's master or she call her mommy love a lady dawn so yeah it's been an interesting little learning experience so i got exposed to this via tiktok even further and i got it i seth popped up on my news feed and i got into a rabbit hole with this man i was just i sent liz his profile and i was like i am in love I don't know what it is about this man but I am I'm fully invested in everything about his existence and Liz was like I'm a little surprised because he's not like what I normally find attractive

there's something about him that's so I mean he's he's like I'll do respect Amelia I feel like your type is a little bit of a pretty boy oh a pretty fuck boy yeah there's only one guy who is on my list of yours right now who I still approve of yeah who I think is I think he is a dom deep down oh absolutely he doesn't think that he is but I don't think that he is a million times more of a dom than fake dom oh a million times more his whole thing is he doesn't like after sex he's and I know now that this is not this doesn't negate it but like after sex he's like oh my god i'm like i'm so sorry and he apologizes and i'm like that's like part of aftercare like then we like wind down and you don't need to apologize you don't need to we're we've agreed to have like

sometimes i'll have him come on my face and he's like he's so into it and then afterward he's like oh my god i'm so sorry and he's like oh i'm gonna get you and i'm like we've agreed i agree to this yeah this is okay this is okay so i feel like i knew this was gonna happen if i just send him like some literature i think maybe we can like send him the quiz i should send him the i should send him the quiz you can see what kind of Donnie is I'm such a simp for that man I am embarrassed 90% of the time I engage with him I will marry him okay so anyway back to Seth so I got into a rabbit hole with his videos and like he has a lot of ASMR where he's explaining scenes and it is so so sexy like he is so sometimes he has like footage of him like just like kind of like super

cuts of like him doing shit and I'm just like I need more I need more of this like I'm so well and we've talked about this kind of porn where like um it's just like a narrator explaining what they're gonna do to you yeah and I never heard of that kind of porn like kind of like audio porn right and I'm a super audio person yeah I love when dudes moan during sex like I'm so audio and so when I've been like actively seeking out porn I usually search for like narration inspiration that's what I've been looking for and it hasn't been doing it for me like everything I've been finding online I'm just like but then I see Seth and I'm like I need I want this pumped into my ears all day like I am like I live in the gym yeah like that is that is my pump up music

like let's fucking go time me up and so I saw that he hasn't I was looking through his comments and somebody asked for like they said like it's the longer version of this on your only fans and he said yeah I just put it up and I was like your ears perked up you're like this may be the only fan yeah and and I have been thinking a lot about only fans but there hasn't been a creator that I've been like invested in spending money on um I we've talked a lot about our issues with porn and like porn stars not being paid well and for that reason I've wanted to give money to only fans and so I was like waiting for like the right creator to come along and and he did and so I finally dropped some coin on OnlyFans

for this Seth character. When you told me you were like, I think I might make an OnlyFans, I was very confused. Did you think I was going to be a creator on it? Yes. I was like, is the TikTok money not pulling through? But I also, I know you're

donating it, but still, I was just like, if you want. Maybe one day. I mean, who knows? I could get away with some feet pics. I have eczema, but people might be into eczema feet oh absolutely they might be into it there's a marker for that if you thought of it it exists eczema feet pics i'm i'm you don't have to show your face i don't no honestly i might do it i was looking i mean okay so i i'll back up again so i got a three

month subscription because it was a 40 off sale if you got it again and i was fully absorbed into OnlyFans for this platform is phenomenal like you pay a subscription for a specific creator and then you can fill your wallet so you can tip people um so I just put like ten dollars in my wallet and then you can tip them per video and people get a lot of tips on their videos like people will make like a hundred dollars in like 10 minutes on one of their videos it's insane it's incredible like people are getting what like what they deserve and I just fucking love it and it his it's just everything I thought that it was gonna be it's it's fantastic and I and I fucking love that there's an a feeling of like exclusivity with it being something you have to

pay for like porn feels very obviously it's not like OnlyFans you can you can buy like personal videos on OnlyFans but it's not personal but there's an aspect of it that kind of feels like like a secret society because you've like paid money to see it yeah well and there is something that is like kind of campy about porn you know yeah it's very performative yeah um and I think that's probably the biggest difference I I don't have only like an OnlyFans account to subscribe to anybody so I don't really know but I would assume you're getting that more of like authentic kind of feeling if you're subscribing to like the kind of porn that you're interested in yeah right yeah it's i there's something about it that's just like there is the campy aspect of

porn and just like the kind of just like i don't know a lot of porn is very like and a lot some people are into this but like the really like sloppy like makeup running down your face i don't like that shit and that's like 99 of porn hub is like it's intense disgusting there's literally nothing that caters to women and it's just all this weird like I don't know so much of it I saw this comparison once that was like uh me while I'm watching porn and then it's like this beautiful like pizza that you would see in an ad and then it's like after watching porn like how it looks and then it's just like a gross like dingy picture of like an oily pizza and like that's exactly how it is yeah i don't know yeah and then when you're when you're like

not a straight man like that's how porn looks a lot of the times so just like real why am i not fitting into this narrative yeah i hate it here it's it's really awful so much important is awful and then also just being educated on how the porn industry is like i've been really wanting to check out only fans for for a while yeah um and so i'm glad that i pulled the trigger on it like it's a really cool platform and it feels very like everybody that's on there and i've this is probably not the case but it feels like because people opt in to do it and they're making their own money it feels like kind of like a happy place to be it's very it's you're like i know the money is going to this person yeah exactly instead of like

who was it Mia Khalifa like did porn for like four months and made like nothing yeah not as much as she should have and she's one of the top creators she's on Pornhub yeah and now she's she was on my home page of OnlyFans too I was like fuck yeah girl get your coin it's it's really a cool platform and I'm happy that I have spent money on it like it's it's really it's interesting so i'm glad i'm i have a window now into only fans i kind of like joke about only fans because of like i'm gonna sell feet pics but like it's it's cool i'm really like it's i'm i'm hyped on the existence of it yeah i really like that yeah well i like the idea of just also like we all know porn is free on the internet but during a global pandemic you know why not support small creators

who absolutely actually need this money instead of giving it to like some shitty big ass corporation that continues to share people's rape videos yes yeah and all the human trafficking that goes on too like it's just really disgusting and like it's hard to like get off to like something that's so obviously problematic yeah and you're like you also don't ever really know right yeah somebody could seem into it and not be or like look like a home video and it's not you know what I mean so it's just like I don't know but yeah so I have I feel as though and I've been joking slash not joking a lot about like my sexual awakening coming soon and like I really do feel like it's I'm on it's on the horizon yeah like I I feel like I'm exploring men like the existence of men

differently girl aren't we all just in the past true just in the past like month I feel like I've been looking at like partners through a different lens than I ever have how so what would you say like that difference is I don't I really don't know like it just feels like when I'm on apps like I guess I do know before when I was looking for people on apps I was looking for guys that I could just like have a good time with for a sec and then just like not after that now I'm looking at people like could I marry this guy which is interesting because I'm not ready for that yet like but I also feel like I'm transitioning out of my hookup phase like I like fake Dom I feel like if fake Dom happened six months ago it wouldn't have been as shitty as it was because

I would have been in the same mindset that he was in but because I'm in this mindset of like wanting to spend my time with people that I can see a future with whether I know it or not like whether I'm like actively looking for the person or not I think there's a piece of me that is like trying to find somebody I can spend a future with you want some kind of like I need some sort of future yes and I wasn't really looking for that before would you say so you're looking I know you said like you're like oh could I could this person be marriage material material or something would you say that you would be able to like share that town to just being like okay I can see myself just in a relationship with them yeah yeah totally but at the same time I don't want to be exclusive

with somebody right now unless I can see myself marrying them um I'm just not trying to waste my time anymore like I see everybody around me with I'm my only single friend but save one like that's it and I don't feel pressure from that per se I'm not like oh god I got it like I don't feel that but I see them and and you and I'm like I want that kind of partnership like I'm I'm somebody that needs that kind of partnership and with music man it's been an issue because it's like he's been the only person that I've been able to see that partnership with and he is me six months ago but like in a very real like this is going to be a lifelong thing for me kind of thing and so like that's been hard for me to separate myself from because like I'm still coming to terms with

that piece of my life not being a thing anymore like I when we first started hooking up I was like yeah I'm also not really looking for anything and that was genuine and now like I've like caught feels like when I say I'm a simp for this man and he doesn't listen anymore so I feel safe saying this I am a full simp for this man like I he has he does not give me as much attention as I act like he does which is not me but he is the first person really since my ex that I can see myself being with exclusively and it's a weird feeling and so like I'm I'm kind of like navigating this world in a different way and as a result and I'm viewing myself in a different way and like I'm seeing my future like sexual prowess differently and so like this whole experience with like

kink talk and like being like so into everything I'm seeing there and then like taking the plunge to like spend money on like more of that content like I'm seeing myself operate in ways that like me six months ago would have been like you're gonna spend money on the whole entire internet has porn like why are you spending money on it but like I see myself shifting and like what I'm expecting and what I'm wanting to consume and so it's just I don't know it's been an interesting like self-study I will say the most interesting thing I've noticed about this um like journey that you've gone on uh I've noticed like particularly with Music Man you're not nearly as like um worried about when he's texting you like um and not just with him

in gen like I mean in general like you seem less like you're you care if that's a thing it's so obvious like how happy you are with yourself oh please and not to say that you weren't before but it just like um the way it's showing up is different now but another thing I was gonna say like um in I feel a little bit of the opposite in my relationship now and like how I see relationships in general of just like I thought I was going to spend my life with someone and now I have to watch them spend their life with someone else and it's made me not want to Russian to anything because like I we were so wrong for each other and I feel like insane forever thinking that like that was gonna be the person I spent my life with so now I'm like I don't need

to know the future because I there have been so many times where I've like been like oh yeah I'm comfortable in a relationship because I have predicted the outcome and um like I had a past relationship where we were like yeah we don't want the same things but we're so young yeah but we're like yeah we don't want the same thing so let's like plan a day that we break up and shit like that where I'm just like yeah I know this person isn't someone that I want I see myself with and then when you have that in your head there's no pressure yeah and then you can just enjoy the relationship and then even like with my ex that I was like yeah we're gonna get married like that added and then like unnecessary pressure to our relationship and made it like shitty

and you could I couldn't enjoy it like I don't think either of us enjoyed it right at one point we both were just like one point and then at one point and then moving forward we both were just fucking miserable so even though like now I can never see myself with that person I'm just like okay predicting any outcome is pointless because even if you get married you can still get divorced there is literally no guarantee about anything which that definitely that idea and um acknowledgement definitely made me spiral of like oh you don't know anything yeah um but ultimately I landed on just like I don't need to know and um that has been hard for me to kind of deal with of just like yeah I don't need to know because the times I've thought I've known have blown up in my face so

why should I rob myself of any sort of happiness I can experience and feel comfortable just being myself um by trying to like predict the future because even if I'm like yeah we're gonna get married and xyz um that's not a guarantee right there's just so many unknowns for me right now that I don't I don't care yeah if I know the outcome of this relationship because all I know is like I'm happy right now and I don't think it's worth robbing myself of being happy right now yep absolutely amen I truly I'm in this mindset right now and I know it probably sounds like super hippy dippy from the outside but like and I know you feel the same way that like I really believe the universe gives us what we need for what it thinks that we need for our future oh

absolutely so just allowing yourself to kind of good point allowing yourself to just be kind of like become kind of like a passenger for that and like knowing like you know if you're supposed to be with this person you're going to be and like if you're not supposed to be with this person then you're not going to be and like just kind of allowing the universe and like the stars to like do what they want to do with your experience is powerful in itself and it gives it like a weightlessness like I'm just gonna enjoy this like you're saying I'm just gonna enjoy this right now and something I think that um we don't consider often is like yeah we all have been raised to like want a wedding and have a marriage and a partnership and I absolutely like agree with

like you want a lifelong partnership because life is fucking hard alone and um to have someone that is like your best friend in your life and you have um a very deep level of partnership it makes life less lonely because it already kind of is a really lonely experience yeah um no one will ever know what it's like to be you besides you yeah and um like that deep kind of partnership is i think something everybody wants to have and um we also don't think about like we all change and you can agree to be in a partnership with someone and like agree to marry them uh but you can't predict how you both are going to change yeah and um that's why i like don't really judge anyone going through any sort of like relationship hiccups because

we're all changing all the time and like if it's hard for one person to go through it can absolutely be hard for an entire relationship with another person to go through so you have to be able to change together and I think that's really rare to find and that's also why I don't feel bad like not being married when you know everyone around me is getting married or has been in like five plus year relationships and stuff like that and then you know you do get it your ego gets in your head and you're like comparing yourself and you're like am I doing something wrong what the fuck is wrong with me everyone else around me is getting married and having kids and I am in my apartment in Seattle stoned out of my mind watching cartoons

um but there's just no right way to do it no exactly and then once you like once you confront those feelings in your head of just like of you know being a little bit ashamed and you're like okay there is actually no reason for me to be ashamed right like there is no roadmap and there is comfort in like having a rule book but like also why do you need to follow a fucking rule book i just think like as creatures we we want guidelines like it's just more yeah it's comfier to have guidelines you want to know how to do something because doing something that you've never done is scary and hard and adulthood is scary so having like guidelines to like guide us along that is nice but like you're saying like the people around you are getting married and like

having lives and like you're like stoned on the couch it's like in my 20s I kind of want to be stoned on the couch like yeah I'm happy stoned on the couch and they're happy being married and like that's the human experience man we're all experiencing shit differently like well one of my very good friends had like um she had an amazing point that I hadn't ever really considered before and she's been in her relationship for god I don't even know five years maybe a little bit more um but maybe even seven years fuck I'm sorry if you're listening I don't remember how long you've been in your relationship I just know it's kind of long um but because I I recently saw her at a friend's wedding and I was like sometimes I feel like I'm missing out because I'm watching

all of my friends get to these points in their relationships and their lives and I feel like I'm doing something wrong and it's you know it's hard to not feel like that it's happening all around me and she was like I mean everything has a trade-off like I've been in my relationship for this long and um we have they lived with her parents so they could save money and now they they have a house and she's like but you got to move to another city and have this like huge awakening and all these crazy life experiences so everything has a trade-off like just because I have this like you have something else that I haven't experienced and I was like holy fuck you're right and like I wouldn't trade my experiences for anything yeah so yeah it really

aligns with like that inner feeling of like everything happens for a reason and it's right it's what's right for you absolutely and once you start fight once you like are done fighting that feeling of like everyone's getting married or whatever that thing may be like oh everyone's getting like a promotion and I'm not and like what am I doing wrong um you're just on the path you need to be totally and like it's that's just so the whole grass is always greener mentality is a testament to that like I think it's really easy to look at what other people have and be like they have it they have the best yeah people that are like having that are always like I wonder what it would have been like if xyz exactly like when I was in my relationship there was a big piece of

me and it was a big piece of why the relationship ended was like feeling like I was missing out on experiences because I had been with this person for so long and the other the people that were on the side that I was like thinking that I wanted to be on were looking at me and they were like I wish I had a relationship that long if people always want what they don't have like women with straight hair want curly hair and women with curly hair want straight hair so true I wish I had a big head of curly hair too and then all of my friends with curly hair are like no you don't it's too much work I'm like you don't know what I want so don't don't tell me what I want don't tell me how in my life i'm cracking another one by the way so we're gonna wrap things up with a fun little

cue we're still trying we're trying to like get structure in the end of our episodes and we still haven't really nailed the transition no and the beautiful thing is we can continue to change it until we find something that we like if you like a specific ending please fucking tell us because we're floundering out here we just don't know we don't know help us wait but before we i guess before we hang up no you hang up first no you um so i was going through tiktok i saw this tiktok where this girl shows um have you heard of uh minimalist like uh manger scenes no manger what are they called when you know when jesus was like born in the manger there's a name for that i can't remember what it's called oh nativity scene yes okay there's

these minimalist nativity scenes what the fuck and the most gen z thing i've ever heard in my life so they're like the examples of them are like it's like a box and then they're circles and they're different sizes and colors and they represent like the three kings and joseph and mary and baby jesus but the best one i saw was um they're just blocks that say jesus joseph and mary and then one of them says donkey and the other one says sheep and they're so fucking funny are they supposed to be funny i don't know jesus is turning over in his grave tiny there's all these fucking blocks i can't deal and i'm like this is hilarious and it like i don't know if this is a self-aware thing or if it's serious we're like trying to pay our respects

but we don't want it to take on much weight if it's self-aware then that's even better they're just like yeah you were raised catholic you're some blocks that say jesus on them and they're like different sizes like joseph is a rectangle and mary's a square i love i i've never loved or hated something more in my life than this that's phenomenal that's phenomenal so that's what's bringing me life right now i wonder if the church knows does jesus know about this have you asked jesus if it's okay jesus did you know that should be the biggest block really these children's blocks are making a mockery of you yeah they said joseph is bigger jesus how do you feel about that jesus is like um it's all about the vibes yeah i'm okay with being the smallest block i would

love if Jesus just like came back and was like rating nativity scenes and was like the vibes are off why do you think I'm white do you think it would be like what if Jesus came back now and he just like sees how many photos like how many paintings of himself as a baby are hanging up in people's houses I would be like y'all or just like these grown-ass adult pictures of like white jesus yeah he's like i was not white jesus is just like some like western college campus kid who plays hacky sack yeah and i honestly like when and if jesus comes back he's gonna be like this is a little heavy-handed y'all uh when and if jesus comes back he's gonna be appalled by everything he's gonna be like uh why are you using my name to defend your bigotry right like

why are y'all killing each other over me man i just turned water into wine i was a politician i'm here for a good time not a long time jesus out he's big on bumble okay on that note all right we're going to hell for this episode i'm sorry no we love you uh we're gonna have to say it kind of loud because these mics are quiet okay um thanks for listening we love you so much and we'll talk to you next week goodbye