The Hoely Hour - E21 Never Trust a Magician

Episode Date: December 18, 2020

Amelia tells a hookup horror story about a man who read her his joke ideas for a non-existent stand-up set after their bone dance. Liz shares how she was almost a magician's personal assistant on the Vegas strip and why she hates magicians. How do you tell someone you're dating that they smell? AND we share some of your worst gift stories! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

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$15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. New customer offer for initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. me slow when network is busy see terms my hair is getting like horse girl length again mine's getting crunchy it doesn't look like it's getting crunchy it looks good it feels crunchy when i wash it looks very healthy and shiny thank you like a horse yeah we go really well together oh my god i'm a horse girl you're a horse i'll be your horse if you'll be my horse girl oh my god i've never heard anything more romantic in my life welcome to the holy hour i'm amelia samson and i'm liz ball

and we're here and we're we're here recording just for you and a little bit for us for our ego yeah um uh i'm stoked because i did some troubleshooting and our mics sound so much better it was a little quiet last week this is our um tech support editor um lighting sound um what else publicist you publish everything you're really no I feel like you're the one always posting on no you're the one always posting on Instagram well editing our little our videos for Instagram and it's because I'm self-aggrandizing like I really I really feel like I you're bringing in the fans I'm fine riding your coattails okay Your tweet was so funny today.

I saw you tweet it and I saw my name. I was like scrolling through my timeline. I was like, hold up. Why would you tweet about me and not tag me? Everyone knows you are at this point. That's true. I know all my friends talk like they know you. They do.

They do. They do. They know you very well now. I don't know all of them. There was like, oh yeah, Liz said so-and-so. I was like, all right. We do open up about everything on our podcast. I love it.

that do be happening and a little word of advice if you're gonna start a podcast uh you're not gonna have any secrets no that's so true so I was talking to a friend of mine today that was reaching out about the podcast and like the empowerment behind talking about sex and I was like I said to her I was like this podcast has forced me to be honest in like every area of my life not forcing like a well I'm doing it on the it's just like kind of allowed me to foray into just being more honest in like my relationships and like with my therapist I'm just like this public forum has empowered me yeah it's a cool thing secrets yeah I feel like um it's made me like over uh stop overthinking as much like if I know I need to have a serious conversation then

I'm just like I just have to do it yeah and instead of you know sending you a million screenshots which I still do to you but it's like yours isn't like what should I say yours is like oh my god look at this and I like those true oh my god Liz had to talk me through a full meltdown today but other than that I've been so I mean we're always gonna do that with our close girlfriends oh yeah my phone is filled with screenshots of conversation yeah when I was clearing out my phone um it's like oh do you want to like delete this shit from your messages and I was like hold on Let me go through them. And then, like, 90% of them are screenshots of things to you.

Yeah. No, I know. Like, sometimes now I'll go back and, like, think, like, about Twitter bae and just feel a blanket of shame and embarrassment. Oh, my God. But that was such an important lesson. Honestly, it was. It was.

It prepared me to, like, be emotionally open. Yeah. And then shortly after, I met my boyfriend. Yeah. My boyfriend. Yeah, my boyfriend. I hate saying my boyfriend. I think you're the only one that's like aware of it though.

You know what I mean? Well, and it's because like in my daily life, I'll just say his name. Yeah. Right. Right. You don't call him your boyfriend to your friends. That would be different. I'd be like, Liz, I know his name.

Yeah. Can you please stop saying my boyfriend? He has an identity. We'll figure out a nickname for him. We were talking about Twitter Bay and what you learned from Twitter Bay because I actually have been wanting to talk to you about this for a while. but like you and I talked about it so much when it was happening I didn't want to be like so can we like revisit this but let's revisit it yeah why not like I felt like when you were going through

that I knew that you were going to come out of it with lessons like it was so lesson heavy just like everything that was going on at the time like in a vacuum and it was at the beginning of COVID well it was like toward the beginning of COVID yeah so like emotions were already high we already had a lot of time to be in our heads about shit and just be indoors and just like thinking about one person it's like the bachelor effect like being on the bachelor and like they stick you in a house and all you can do is think about that person and it makes them go crazy yeah and I feel like you I'm not saying that you went crazy no that's so no no I did feel like kind of crazy you didn't seem like it from the outside but I'm sure you felt chaotic in your head oh yeah

and a lot of that was just like being stuck and having nothing to do except for think about this thing and it and it is anyway so that's my that was my summary of being on the outside of it so I'm just curious to see like how you feel about that whole thing now um like obviously like I said I feel like a little embarrassed because I feel like I made it more in my head than it actually was and then I think about how I like sent this person like something in the mail for their birthday and I'm just like oh my god that is so embarrassing but I think from like the outside like being out of that now it feels more embarrassing than it did in the moment because that felt right to do in the moment and you have to give yourself yeah and also I had it in my head

the entire time I was like okay this isn't gonna go on forever yeah right especially knowing what I know now like COVID wise yeah yeah was never gonna happen no there's a ceiling it had to reach there's just like a I don't know I feel like I've changed so much since then too but it did get me in a place where I was like open to like developing a more um like more than a surface level relationship which I hadn't been ready for in a long time yeah like in a few years so I think it just kind of like got me in a place where I was like ready to allow myself to feel those kinds of feelings about someone and then um I met my boyfriend and after I met him I was going through my journal the other day because I was like looking to see if I made notes about something

and um I wrote an entry after I after our first date after I met him and I was like I hope I don't fucking like this guy because he's pretty cool oh my god I knew you were sprung like right after you went out with him oh yeah I have never had like a first date like that where I've like felt that way about someone wow and been like excited this is cliche but like you really you know when you know yeah you know when you know you know when you like someone and I did not want to know that I liked him yeah he's gonna listen to this and be like what the fuck but like really you weren't in the mindset of finding someone no and we've said this before and how annoying it is to say when like when people are like it happens when you aren't looking

for it but that's such a real thing because you weren't and like that I think that that was right and that's that's like kind of helpful in its own way because you know when you feel it's not because you're wanting to it's because it's genuine and this is like the first relationship where I've just been like finally I can have a fun relationship and not be like so in my head about like how it's gonna end totally and when I look at like the relationships and I mean everything's a relationship I'm not gonna put in air quotes when I look at the relationships that you had leading up to who you're with now all of them were so obviously stepping stones and not in like a that's it sounds like I'm like minimizing what they were but I I really do think that they

were stepping stones because you learn something so important in each of those situations like with twitter bae with i don't even know if we have a nickname for him who you dated like right out of your last relationship yeah you know who i'm talking about yeah um i think you learned a lot from that too and like i and then um frozen pizza like was short-lived but also was a stepping stone because you went into your relationship now with lessons from that that you were like yeah i'm just gonna like let go of everything that i knew and just like have fun with this person and now you're in this relationship so it's just been interesting from the outside to see how like all of this has kind of like packaged itself up together yeah you know it's all a lesson or a blessing

as Amelia always says it's either a lesson or a blessing take a shot every time I say that you'll be blacked out by the third episode binge listen to all of our episodes for 20 hours straight yeah it's either a lesson or a blessing and take a shot every time I say gut feelings are guardian angels those are my those are my I should get those tattooed as tramps dance anytime you bring up frozen pizza I feel triggered oh why the more I think about him the more annoyed I get he was yeah I was gonna bring this up to you earlier I was thinking about this earlier today so um I never got my deposit back from my last apartment what and I think it's because um the six yeah frozen pizza I don't know if I've mentioned this on the podcast so one of our my dates with frozen pizza

was um we were gonna like my sinks were really old like 120 years old and uh I I had been thinking about like like re-apoxying them I don't even I don't know epoxy whatever I was thinking about painting them with epoxy and um he's like oh I've been wanting to try an epoxy project so I'll help you completely fucked up my seat they looked so bad i mean they looked better than they did before did they i would say so no matter what they looked atrocious the one in the bathroom is sad but i hope that they were like we're gonna replace these they probably didn't my the last place i lived like the management group they are the definition of slumlords oh there are so many seattle landlords that are like that they just they're a group of slumlords everybody dry yeah what do you

want to talk about first um okay so Amelia tweeted this yesterday uh that what was the tweet like you went on a date and you guys hooked up okay he's yeah I'll just start from the tippy top it's not a long story I just can't believe I didn't tell you it so I can't believe you didn't either because that is critical information i think that so it was fake dom and there was so much problematic shit surrounding that whole situation that it just probably just kind of flew off the stack of papers you know in terms of the things that i had to roll through with you but um we had sex obviously and right afterward after the second time what's that he uh we were laying there naked and I'm not even kidding it was like 30 seconds after he had finished and he was like do you mind

if I read you some of my jokes and I was like what the fuck am I supposed to say no am I supposed to say no like I don't I would I literally want nothing less than that but like sure should you be flattered or like right but like that's just like why would you put somebody through that and like I thought maybe like one or two he opens up his notes and his phone and he was like I actually just hit the limit on the length that this note could be and I thought he was kidding and he starts scrolling and it was a lot of jokes and I was like how long have you been writing these down for he said two years and I thought maybe he was gonna pick out a few of his favorites he read me every single joke how long did this go on for like 45 minutes and none of them were funny Liz

and I can only fake laugh for so long what was the worst one I don't even want to say it he made a joke about Kobe Bryant that was so inappropriate and and not funny at all and offensive in multiple ways yeah and I was like delete that one and he was like laughing and I was like that's like that's not funny at all and it was very uncomfortable because like he was so proud of it and it was so obviously problematic and that was kind of the note that we left off like he like read that one like close to the end that was like his hard hitter right that was what he thought was going of clinched the division and it was very bad so yeah just sat through all of these very very awful jokes and that that was how at least one I'm trying to think of god I feel like I like suppressed some

of these memories with this overall traumatic experience I'm trying to remember I really wish I remembered one of them give give us what we want give the people oh okay the one that stands out in my mind is actually the only one that like actually got a chuckle out of me and it was what started the social media conversation which then he used against me to end it with me by saying I was too into social media um he has this idea for a sketch that he wants to do on TikTok if anybody wants to take it go ahead if you see this on your for you page go ahead go ahead I'll make it yeah yeah fight me yeah maybe we should just do it yeah but it was um he's gonna sue you two people on a hike and one of the guys takes a fist no okay so one of the guys is like oh man I'm starving do you

have anything to eat? And the other guy's like, yeah. And he reaches in his pocket and pulls out a fistful of raw ground beef, which is so fucking stupid that it's almost funny. Like if it's done right, I think it would be funny. And so I chuckled and I think that was my mistake. Number one was laughing because that fueled his fire for the rest of the jokes that he read me, which led to the Kobe Bryant joke, which was categorically like inappropriate and offensive. But yeah, so that was the only one that i was like you know but like not as funny as he acts like he is and this man genuinely wants to go into stand-up and he is genuinely not funny which is like you would have had like a mrs mazel situation on your hands oh my god yes maybe that's why i like wanted this to

work this is gonna be my career so he can try and like be the be the successful one and it's really gonna be me wham bam yeah I mean hey if anyone's riding Amelia's coattails it's gonna be me okay get out of your lane sir I've already claimed it was just like I feel so bad because it's like I never want to tell somebody that they're not good at what they want to do I think everybody should always chase their dreams when I say that this man was not funny like it was so painful and just like what was it would have been painful in any scenario but it being compounded by the fact that we just had sex twice and we were laying there naked and he waited 30 seconds until he dove into the 45 minutes of jokes it was so bad liz all right i can't believe i forgot to tell you that

it sounds pretty bad it was awful this stand-up situation is like almost as bad if not like worse than if someone was like can i show you my magic tricks i i hate magicians what i fucking hate magic so does my mom why because there's something that creeps me the fuck out about someone wanting to like trick you because these these magicians are it's just like sleight of hand and I don't know and I might be a little scarred because did I ever tell you how I was almost a magician's personal assistant like Vegas yeah and not not on stage like um he like his office assistant yeah and he already had four what yeah one of them was leaving so they're gonna hire a third or another one to replace what magician needs

four office assistants do you and you help him like do his costume changes it was the weirdest fucking experience of my life so they did a little trial run with me they paid me for it too and he is magicians are fucking weird you guys oh yeah and they like if they're a magician on the strip in las vegas they think they are the shit they the arrogance is astounding and they're like okay cool you you did a magic trick yeah yeah yeah but like he was always late to go on stage oh no always the diva and it's because he'd be backstage and like while you're micing him up like there's one assistant micing him up there's another assistant um like brushing his shoes and lint rolling him and then uh there's another person taking notes because he just will like

he wants people to take notes on like his ideas of things and then he has another person who's like his yes man who's like yeah that's a great idea he has an assistant to affirm him um is he like it's not that person's not an assistant they're like a stage kind of person but they're just there for affirmations i mean yeah he's like famous and rich so who is it yeah we could totally do that is it somebody that i know shut the fuck up well that makes sense yeah and i'm not gonna include that um because he is a fucking lunatic and like it just sounds like he did a bunch of coke constantly oh yeah and then his magic show is weird like wait that's kind of cool I know you're gonna cut out the name but like that's like actually kind of a cool gig to have

gotten but also like he sounds nuts you get essentially no time off you work six days a week like it would have been I would have been miserable but you get like the you get to say that you worked for this man yeah and that's how they get and I and the weirdest part is okay so he the hotel that he performs at he had like his dressing room and then like another an additional room at the hotel um that he would like not stay in but like use i guess like he was backstage but he had he wanted all of his shit set up the same way every single sink and um closet so he has like multiples of the same clothes and they need to be set up identically in every single place there were like pictures of how it needed to be shut up and yeah it was because they're like I remember the assistant

training me like his head assistant was like he doesn't have like time to like find stuff and blah blah blah and I'm like he's a magician I don't care how long you've been famous or how famous you are like you are never above treating people like humans and just like having a sense of like connection and realism to the rest of the world I cannot believe that you've never told me this story this is bonkers I you're gonna hate this I love magic like to each their own my dad and i watch pen and teller like we love magic they do seem fun i was telling my boyfriend like that i fucking hate magicians and he's like but pen and teller seem pretty cool yeah and that's a cool concept because their whole thing is like trying to figure out how like the

magicians did it and that's like a cool concept but like all of these magicians besides pen and teller who i love seem very cocky and that's part of their like stage presence is like i'm like outsmarting you and i'm better than you and so but i didn't realize that like we're not going to say his name but the person that liz almost worked for he seems exactly like that on stage so it's wild that he's like that off stage and like the whole like like everything needing to be set up and like you i feel like magicians were a thing he had a warehouse full of it was like hoarders extreme he had a warehouse of his stuff that he like uses in his hotel rooms that need to be set up identically oh and if you go on vacation with him you have to set up the shit like that too

he brings an assistant to go on vacation with him and his family to like be a babysitter to him and and he doesn't drive yeah um but also after that I like got another job and then I got another job and one of the jobs was at a PR agency and there was a different um magician that was one of their clients the biggest dick ever what magicians are fucking ass was he famous too yes who um I can only imagine I can only see his face wow Liz what the fuck I'm like kind of geeking out I'm not gonna lie this is like no he was like a fucking asshole and then um my old manager texted him happy birthday and he was like don't fucking text me or something like that yeah and she was like i just can't imagine having that personality structure that makes me remarkably

uncomfortable and being a magician a magician and acting like this you're not mick fucking jagger like yeah you were a street magician and now you have a show on the strip in vegas having a show on the strip in vegas is what they do to people who are past their prime like it's for old people i i don't know like oh my god i'm really excited to tell my dad about this i'm not gonna lie i am floored i just can't imagine being rude to people like that a and b leading the kind of life where and I know that there are things like OCD and like anxiety disorders where like having things in order is comfortable but like needing it to be a very particular way and like being a dick about it and having somebody to like brush off your clothes

makes me uncomfortable regardless of how much money I have that is uncomfortable and someone just like taking notes and like sucking your dick about it yeah no and then they're like this is how he came up with a concept for this one magic trick and i remember like watching it in the audience and i was like this is fucking weird when you get that big though because to be that i've been talking to my therapist about this a lot because of donald trump and jk rowling like when you're at the top you have nobody to tell you that you're wrong and if people do tell you that you're wrong you're at the top so like they're all wrong they're like bye yeah they're like well i got here so i must i want my weird ass idea to become a reality yeah make it happen

exactly and I feel like presidents and magicians alike you just like start to just do whatever you become completely speaking of narcissists you can you completely which we'd what we weren't recording during that so that won't mean anything to the people that are listening but like you you just get into your own world about like how incredible you are and nothing can tell you otherwise and that's bizarre to me because I'm so hard on myself all the time um yeah so that's my little magician stint I'm I'm going to probably be texting you all night with questions I am serious this is like a weird like facet of my personality I used to have a magic set as a kid and I wanted to be the cutest magician I used to be more was female magician I agree with you

they're all like the like glitzy assistant so I'm like no fucking bump them out of their top spot what if you were a magician and you had just like a really hot male assistant I would have multiple hot male assistants one to affirm me what if you have like a really hot non-binary assistant oh fuck yeah hell yeah i want that now i want to become an i'm gonna become a magician this is gonna be my 2021 goal maybe 2022 if you guys are if you are good at magic please teach me yeah well okay so i had a magic set i went to vegas when i was a kid and we were walking through um like a bunch of these shops and there were magicians in there and obviously they like single out the kids so they can make sales because the kids are gonna like beg the parents and it worked

yeah i mean my dad was also into it because he like i said he likes magic too and so i bought this magic set and i got so into magic liz and then at show and tell i did a magic trick and this guy his name is fucking charlie charlie if you're charlie liz is gonna beat you and reese up it's you two she's coming for both of you reese first charlie you're next yep watch out charles he figured out how i did the trick and i i remember looking back on it i fucking slayed this trick okay but charlie figured out how i did it and he told everybody and i never did magic again i threw out my magic set you could have been i could have been a magician biggest female magician yeah the las vegas trip has ever seen oh this ended i know well so my dad recently turned

70 and we had a party in detroit and because that's where my family is and my mom was like you should learn some magic tricks and perform it at his birthday party and so i bought like a child's magic set and it was a fucking mess like i'm way past the point in my life like you can't teach an old dog new tricks like you truly cannot it was a mess but you know what maybe 2021 2022 it's gonna be your year it's gonna be my year i'm feeling good about it it's a mat it's gonna be magical this podcast is now about apartments and magic that's all we talk about anymore I want to talk about this thing that I saw on reddit and it's on the I think it's either on like dating advice or relationships or something um and this girl was like I've been seeing this

guy and he stopped like getting ready i put that in air quotes um getting ready before our dates and like he kind of smells like he won't brush his teeth and uh we'll have like bo before we hang out and and i was like i do like him and um she's like but this last time we hung out like his breath was so bad that i it just is i know it's gonna be like something that turns me off and I was thinking about it and I was thinking about how like the one time I like started kind of hooking up with frozen pizza and I told you this like he smelled yeah that is a game ender for me pheromones are biologically important like they exist for a reason I know pheromones and smells are not the same but like there's there are there's a component i don't even know how

to explain pheromones i mean either it's like a smell and a taste yeah at the same time yeah but very specific google it but like still smells google it there's an informational you do your own fucking education no i'm just kidding uh but yeah like this a guy smelling bad will always turn me off immediately bo breath if their room smells back sweaty ball sack slapping you in the face yeah i don't like that i do not like that i will say about my ex he fucked up in a lot of ways but every single time we hung out for eight years he would brush his teeth before every single time and like it's just it's a common courtesy this is common courtesy just do like a

little bit of grooming a little bit I have to say that some stuff that I would find gross in general like if I really like someone it's not gross to me does that make sense yeah it does yeah yeah I mean that's fair and I don't know I feel like my boyfriend never has morning breath I know that's not fair it's annoying but then also I'm like are his pheromones just attractive to me and I like can't smell his morning breath they might be they might be because I feel like I always have morning breath I feel like it's inevitable too don't you think to have morning breath yeah like the like the processes that go on when you're sleeping the gases that get kicked up um maybe it's because all of his gas comes out of his ass yeah maybe that might be when we're

sleeping oh no there was one time I think I was like he was in my room in his defense I did make a meal that was mostly vegetables and tofu you set him up for that is a fiber nightmare I didn't No, he was going to fart so much. But I think farts are hilarious. They're so fucking funny. Like, the fact that a sound comes out of your butthole and it smells, that is pure comedy. God was laughing when he made our bodies do that. so like regardless of how bad it is it's fucking hilarious to me so i like was taking a shower

then i like got ready for bed and my boyfriend was like i have the toe farts i've never heard toe farts me either but it's like i have the toe farts and then i like uh i was like it's okay i understand like i'll just open the window and he sleeps closest closest to the window anyways and like i come into the room after however many minutes like getting ready for bed and i was like oh no it's so bad and he's like oh no oh man i'm so embarrassed they're funny they're like lighting different candles and blowing them out and like trying to Because I couldn't find any matches, so we were just trying to, like, evaporate the smell, but, like, even though it smelled terrible, I was like, this is so funny, and, like, I

don't know. I wasn't even, like, repulsed, so I was just like, this is hilarious. God, you're a keeper, because men love farting. That is, like, a thing that comes with being a man. I would have to say I love being in a fart-positive relationship. That's good. Where we can just, like, fart and be ourselves. Oh, yeah.

It's a bodily function, okay? I well and then after we like we're in this fart positive relationship I've been like I want to be able to fart also but it just doesn't happen when we're around but you would if you needed to exactly that is important having that freedom is liberating absolutely oh my god it took me four years to be able to fart around my ex I was so uncomfortable with it my ex had just such this like old ass idea that women don't like poop or fart where the fuck do they think that and he didn't do those things around me either and i was just like one time he had food poisoning and he was trying to hold it together and i was just like what yeah that's dangerous i know and i'm

like just explode his colon i don't know if that would happen he deserves he does just kidding he deserve an exploded I won't wish your colon to explode on you that sounds I will well one of us yeah so okay but um yeah I don't know like just let your body be your body I will ask you though like care of it fart if you need to if you were in that situation that this person that you were reading this reddit post was in and you could not deal with the bad breath how would you broach that conversation so I was reading all the comments and they're like you need to tell him you just need to tell him and I absolutely agree with that but I also want to say that like honesty without tact is just cruelty so like it's so embarrassing but you want to know you know if

I were that guy I would want to know absolutely it's like being told if you have something in your teeth just fucking tell me yes yeah so essentially like I they're like you just need to be telling the harsh truth and I was like okay you need to add a little bit of a little bit of like sugar a little gentle yeah be gentle about something like that like I think people take their like hygiene pretty personally yeah in general yeah yeah you're like seeing this person you like them and then they're like hey you kind of smell yeah I'd be like oh my god yeah that will never happen again right yeah so I mean I've had my ex tell me that before that you smell um that your breath smells one time he said like my breath smells um but also both of us get stress

breath so if there's like really high like emotional situation your breath gets like smells bad because you're just so stressed and you have like this acid reflux kind of thing yeah it makes sense so that's what we called it a stress breath i like that um so i mean he's told me that before and then um yeah occasionally someone has just been like yeah you smell a little bit and it's like well that makes sense because i was at the gym so yeah yeah and i i don't know when you've been together long enough it's easy to not take it personally but this person it sounds like they're like just kind of seeing them yeah and that's shocking in itself if somebody stops trying after a few dates I'm like red flag try you should be

on your best behavior I like posted like a a picture or like a video of like me and um it was like facing me and then like I switched it to my boyfriend while he was doing something and we're like we were wearing like the same thing and I was like well one of us needs to change but one of my friends responded and she was like it's so cute that you still get ready for him oh it is though but I mean there's also plenty of time that I spend with him where I'm like not wearing makeup and look like a trash can but but still like like I've said I think I've told you this but like um I always appreciate that like he'll be like how much makeup are you wearing and I'll be like I'm not wearing any and he's like you look so cute I love that's the best

fucking compliment and he's so sincere about it I'm like oh my god and then I was like I said something the other day to him about that I'm like yeah I think it's sweet that you say that and I was like I don't feel cute and he was like you look really cute and he's like you look cute with makeup on too it's just in a different way I'm like like he should write a handbook some of the stuff that you tell me that he says to you you can keep this and you can take it out but I just want to gas him up for a sec sometimes he'll you'll tell me things that you'll say and he'll respond to and I'm like I could not have dreamt up a better response he should write a handbook the best thing is it comes from a place of like uh genuity like right he's sincere about it he

will never lie to me yeah and I think that's why I appreciate it so I would say put that in your handbook be sincere yeah just be honest and don't be a fucking dick about your honesty yeah that is people think that they can be mean just like in the name of being honest and it is the most unattractive quality if you care about someone it's easy to be honest in a kind way yeah totally and i think that's just like something to keep in mind but also another thing like going back to this like reddit post I the more I thought about it too I was like um there are things that like if anyone else did them besides my boyfriend I'd be grossed out but when he does them I think it's endearing and cute that is part of being enamored by somebody because like you you see

them and you hold them in a light in a way that you don't hold other people in I have been so into people that like music man he like if anybody else didn't wash their dishes when I came over I'd be like disgusting and I fucking hate that about myself I hate that I take that kind of thing seriously how do you feel when I don't do my dishes it's you you could do you literally can't do any wrong in my mind but with guys I'm serious look out music man I'm good for your title no but I came over and he was like oh I should have done my dishes and he was so cute about it that I was like you could your apartment could be a fucking pigsty I'm obsessed with you you know what I mean so like it's just I think it's different when you like really care about someone like you just take

things differently with them than you would with other people I have felt the same way about some of my friends too like my best friends like if they do something that like if a stranger did it I'd be like I'm gonna fucking kill them but when they do it I'm like oh my god they're so adorable yeah yeah it's different for different people and so like that makes sense like if you're seeing someone and you're like i think i like them like i like their um i like the time i spend with them but you're like not gung-ho like if they needed you to pick their nose pop is it yeah if if you can't do those things without being grossed out by them that's probably not the person for you okay so we today we asked um you guys to share your worst

gifts with us so i'm really fucking stoked to share these so excited this person said they got a poop scoop from amazon with no note from their estranged father under what circumstance just don't get a gift if that was accidental maybe but how i guess it could that's well if they had moved out then maybe but like like or if they hadn't moved out of like the home that they grew up in then maybe but like a poop like let's just go to the extreme and say it was a gift why and also no no pet or like a they have a pet they have a dog oh but like it doesn't if regardless even if it wasn't an estranged parent and somebody got if you got me a poop scoop i'd be like weird

so for it to be thanks liz wow an avocado an avocado i love that child oh my god okay what's one you got um in third grade my frenemy asked what i wanted for my birthday and i said anything not related to barbie or britney spears she got me a britney spears barbie that fucking bitch that is the level of petty i aspire to i want to find that person like oh this is exactly what you don't want okay bet I'm gonna buy that that is so funny okay every year my mother-in-law re-gifts random shit she doesn't want to me and peanut butter candy which she knows I hate that's also the level of petty iceberg just lie and save a peanut allergy and that's why you hate it that is a good idea sorry I can't I you are actually killing me by

giving me this um this one says binoculars it was a white elephant exchange had to be should i forgot to buy something gift because who goes out of their way to buy that and thinks it's a good gift i have a personal complaint about white elephants i fucking hate white i hate white i love i love doing a white elephant thing um i feel like my family really nails the white elephant like we get some like silly stuff we also get a few good gifts so there's something like to fight over yeah um but I hate when someone brings just like trash people do that like just something that would normally like go in the garbage or you would give to goodwill I don't know like if it's not like quirky or interesting like my extended family fucking kills it with the white elephant

like we have good stuff we have like really weird tacky interesting stuff and then there's like an ongoing joke with the family white elephant like there's something that it's like this really ugly like night uh statue and they'll do something different with it every year and it's just been like an ongoing thing um but I've definitely had a white elephant where it's like the thing that was brought was like clearly something that should just go in the garbage and you're like this is rude don't bring trash that's not funny no no and then when people get too competitive see that's what i don't like about it i don't like when it stops being fun because like some people get like upset about it and it's like everyone needs to be like on the same wavelength

vibe wise otherwise like it's not a fun time at the white elephant that's why i don't like it i love secret santa i fucking love secret santa like that it's like everything i love surprises secrets i love a good secret uh but yeah i fucking hate white elephant okay my ex-boyfriend got me a book on how to relax and also gave me earplugs castration i would for what I don't know how to relax yeah I would be in earplugs big mad I would be if somebody got me okay so my team at work and this was this was sweet but like if you didn't know like how anxious of a person I am it could be taken as offensive they got me a like a relaxation journal on like how to basically how to de-escalate yourself when you're having a panic attack which was sweet

because I need I need that but like if I were to tell anybody that they'd be like weird that's a mean gift but it was thoughtful because I'm currently in a I'm not currently I'm fine right now I'm always in a spiral so it was it was nice of them to do that but from the outside it looks a little mean um this one says my worst gift I've ever received was from my own mother two years ago for Christmas she completely missed the mark as much as I love her she gifted me two t-shirts a Harry Potter coffee tumbler and a beanie which ended up unraveling immediately the best shirt being reading is my favorite sport oh no I think I held on for six months and then finally donated the shirts without wearing either of them and now send her direct links to a variety of things she

could get gift me for christmas birthdays or birthdays so she can choose and it will still be a surprise hold on they sent me a picture and i haven't opened it oh my god that's phenomenal there's a picture of the shirt i took a screenshot of it shut the front door oh my god so she's wearing the hat that unraveled and then the shirt says drink coffee read books be happy oh no wow phenomenal the picture is what does it for me my mom's friend gave me her kids used soccer ball for my birthday and her kid cried like you know that kid was being a little shit that's just like double bad like you give a used soccer ball and you didn't ask your child first

no you're just you're upsetting so many people traumatizing everyone everyone's traumatized this one says not me but my cousin once received a waffle iron from our aunt at the age of 14 what would you do if someone gave me a waffle iron when i was 14 i'd be like me and my braces in my eyeliner i'd be like are you fucking joking yeah i feel like if i got a waffle iron now i'd be like fucking dope hell yeah hell yeah i'm gonna make so many waffles at 14 i wonder if this aunt was high yeah just like stoned as fuck you know i i really could eat a waffle right now oh fuck i have to get this for the secret santa i'm gonna get him a waffle maker who doesn't like waffles i like waffles that keeps on giving

oh my god that's so funny it'll just give until the waffle maker dies i sound drunk more than high she was crossed yeah she'd be crossfaded okay this one says a fire extinguisher while my brother got one of a kind signed boxing gloves got a fire extinguisher oh my god in what scenario would you need a fire extinguisher that doesn't it because like i feel like most places come equipped mine didn't oh my mom would you my mom sent me a fire extinguisher oh it's under my sink so let's hope if there's a fire i can get but it wasn't a gift was it it was like you know so like to get it and then have your brother i think she sent it at the same time as she sent me my pepper spray and my see that's nice

yeah that's thoughtful at that point my daughter could die fine i'm almost 30 i made it this far mom yeah no but if your your brother gets this like very like special custom gift and you get a fire extinguisher it's like that remember that why don't they just punch you in the face yeah we don't you're our least favorite my mom always says better than a poke in the eye it's better than a poke in the eye yeah i don't in this case i don't think it is but do you know the shoes the um shoes oh my god oh yeah yeah the brother got a car a laptop in a car thanks mom and dad she gets like his and hers star wars underwear and i said wait what did they look like and then she said oh my god let me see if i can find them

um they were glow in the dark she sent me a link oh my god i guess not the worst gift ever but was a step towards fulfilling his fantasy i guess also a photo album of memories and notes but the notes were so narcissistic where it would be a pic of me but with a comment like i really love this photo with all the flowers around and how i was able to capture the light just right very happy memory for me like what i fuck i know who i know who this was yeah and so do we all do and if you're listening you can burn in hell oh my god oh man oh my god okay um

uh i got a box of condoms for my birthday from my now ex it was the only thing he ever got me wow what a winner i he is on the list of reese and charlie whoever your fucking ex is is now on liz's hit list yeah i'm gonna become a private investigator just so i could punch this man in the face yeah we're both coming after him i'll film punch him in the dick and i'm gonna say you know why it was the condoms wasn't it wow what a dick she should have come back and said aren't these too big they're just like the smallest size i'm so mean oh my god i love it these are too big for you okay an old girlfriend sent an easter card that said you're not worth the christmas card we're

over is that a joke that sounds like something from a movie that's the I hope it's not a joke I hope that they got at least a good story out of that relationship I hope that they deserved it what that is savage that is savage that is also the level of petty ice I want to hear her story yeah I want to know the rationale oh my god I got a really long one okay so she um obviously the question i was like what's the worst gift you've ever gotten and she said every gift from my father ever i have so many stories and i said wait like what you can't just leave me on that cliffhanger um and she said from the most recent to oldest these are off the top of my head there are so many more uh a broken watch he gave to his wife three years ago that she never wore uh openly

regifted to me oh no a hundred dollar gift card to el gaucho um only to arrange a family dinner there in january for my brother's birthday order a bunch of food and ask us to pool our gift cards for the bill that's strategery um and then um oh he felt he was generous uh to offer to pick up the difference is this all the same person yes holy a sweatshirt two sizes too big in wsu colors that said washington state but was from a winery i went to u-dub so no way i'd wear it so then he swapped it with it with a glass chest set he'd gotten for his wife for christmas who was it um i'll tell you okay oh you're still not done what the fuck uh off-brand fitness watch he received for free from a client whose company made them.

Victoria's Secret body spray and lotion that he got as freebies when buying lingerie for his wife. Chocolate brown velour jumpsuit when I was 13 and going through my coffees. I think that was my favorite. Truly and an especially bad gift giver. We also always get random shit from Costco in our stockings every year. 20 packs of socks in the wrong size bulk bundle of ponytail holders etc oh my god this is what i imagine my dad would gift if he was not married to my mom

wow that is so much junk i'm at the age now where i really i appreciate when anybody gets me a gift but like i don't want junk i don't want a chore like i don't want to have to return stuff like socks in the wrong size just don't give me the socks um my friend got a fifth of gray goose for her 19th birthday from her long-term boyfriend honestly at 19 i would have taken that with open arms i would have been like fuck yeah um she also got chocolate syrup and handcuffs from the same guy bonk well and then at that age and with that experience you know they're bad at sex that's so true and chocolate syrup depend you need to be smart about that because you might get a yeast infection true depends on where you where you're putting it my and a 19 year old boy i do not trust

him to know that you can't put that shit on your vagina oh 100 so my roommates when i turned 19 got me a bunch of sex stuff and they got one of the things that they got me was um like sex whipped cream and i was like isn't all whipped cream sex whipped cream no you know what this shit is i'm having like my body is having a reaction to me telling this story i like feel like i can feel it i squirted into my mouth because i thought that it was just whipped cream yeah it was numbing cream to make it easier to give blow jobs what and my mouth my tongue and my throat was numb for like two hours it was a nightmare i was like do i need to go to the hospital because like when your throat is numb it's like is it closing up well i know if it's closing up don't ever buy this

shit i don't even know if they sell it anymore i haven't seen it anywhere else but it was numbing whipped cream which is honestly in theory great idea i have the strongest gag i don't know i'm generally very upset uh if someone gifted that to me i'm like yeah it's to numb your throat so i can choke you later yeah well it was my roommates and it was like kind of like as a joke they got me like handcuffs and a whip too before I was like I knew that I was into that and I was like so like the whipped cream was like kind of on brand with the whole like gift but it was not edible it turns out it was um it was just for show I'm under the assumption now I can't see a bottle of whipped cream without being like triggered what's up daddy yeah do you think that you would be a dom or a sub

a sub I didn't I mean I wasn't sure what you would want to be a sub for sure I love being told what to do i think i'd be a very bad dom but i don't know i've never tried it so who knows but like i think i would be a very bad dom i've never tried it either but i understand the appeal of being a dom for sure oh sometimes i'll just watch lady doms just to like learn just like i don't know maybe i'm into this and i am amazed by these women well and there can be totally different kinds of like uh doms doms with an e of you know not everyone responds to degradation and punishment uh-huh could be a reward based on oh who doesn't love a reward and a compliment that's true so no i still i feel like i'm i'm a sub all the way because like even before i

recognized that this was what i was into i loved everything the like all of the peripheral stuff about being yeah a sub like the thing that's appealing about being a dom to me is the control but there's also control involved in being a sub like you are i was thinking about this earlier today the thing that's appealing about being a sub to me is um the you're like giving someone permission there so there is a level of control and consent yeah because without it you know they can't do anything so I think but then yeah both of you are in it because it's hot I don't know yeah yeah yeah totally but that's where the empowerment comes in for me is agreeing like in being a sub uh-huh like I'm giving my consent to this experience and then also knowing that

they are like a dom is doing it because um they know it gets me off interesting yeah no that makes sense that makes sense so the actual experience is like obviously is appealing and hot yeah but then um on a deeper level yeah when I was young and starting to like hit puberty and like start like thinking about like boys and like what is sex and this is something I want to do and like accidentally seeing porn for the first time like the bondage stuff was always the stuff that I was like you know like I wasn't like interesting yeah I wasn't like turned on because I was like 12 13 so I didn't really like even if I was I didn't know that I was but I was like just mad it was like magnetic for me so like as I've gotten older and

like I would always have my ex like I would like wanted to try having him like tie me up and stuff like that that like I didn't recognize was this the same thing or like in the same family and now that I'm like reaching this point in my life where I'm like starting to realize that like the things that I have guys do in bed like is very consistent with that it's interesting to think back and be like that's always been the thing that's been like attractive to me even as a kid even before I recognized that that's what that was I was always like like I talked about this on a past episode like um jasmine in um aladdin and jafar when she was like shackled up i was like okay what was happening there and it was so funny i read like a some meme that basically said the

same thing but that was my first experience with bdsm and i was like oh wait hold up like same because i didn't obviously didn't realize it then so it's just i don't know it's just interesting to see like these Jesus these things that have like carried throughout our lives that we've been attracted to or like interested in you know I've always been when I think about my experiences and exposure to like things around BDSM I feel like it's always been a switch situation with me like I've never been given the opportunity to just be a sub it's like more often than not than like I would be the one in the dominant position yeah and my therapist and I were talking about this this past week actually um not about like BDSM but about sex and like how much I hated having

sex with my ex and I she was like well a lot of the times like this is a way women can regain control in their relationship is by being in control of when they want to have sex and I was like I've never really thought of it that way like I was never it wasn't like I felt like oh this is how I can have some control in the relationship it was because like I was so emotionally unfulfilled that I was not like able to be aroused in any capacity wow um but it was just also interesting to think of it in that perspective I was like yeah that does make a lot of sense yeah but in that relationship I wasn't like oh I um like I had I felt like I had sex out of obligation and I was like maybe if I have sex more like I'll be more into it but you know it comes down to the

fact that he treated me like shit and that's why I was not sexually attracted to him well that's the thing I think that a lot of people run into and they're like why don't I want to have sex with my significant other it's usually because of a bigger problem and like not even if it's not to say like you could still be with somebody who treats you great and you don't want to have sex with them it's still usually attributed to something else so like being able to recognize what it is whether that's hormones like it doesn't just stop at sex it's not just I just don't have sex and in your case it was like you felt like you weren't being fulfilled in other ways that's yeah I was not being emotionally fulfilled at all and that's something that I know that contributes

to like me wanting to have sex but alternatively I will say that I think that naturally sex drops off in a relationship because you are more comfortable with that person and I don't think that's a bad thing at all like that's important to call out it's because you know a lot of the times like sex is how we feel close to another person and we're able to engage with someone in that way like in a way that feels like um more like passionately intense yes and the longer you're with someone and the more you get to know them the more the easier it is for you to connect with them emotionally that you don't need to have sex to feel that same emotional connection and yes like that's not something I realized until um like within honestly more recently

like within the last like year of um just kind of thinking about sex outside of just sexual exchange and interaction and sexual attraction um it also comes down to like an emotional level and like the way that my it like more specifically the way that my ex felt like he was close to me was if we were having sex that's that's a very important distinction because I think he was so emotionally closed off that like this was the only way that he could felt like he could connect with me and that's that's a huge thing because I had a lot of shame in my relationship because I was having a hard time distinguishing between like we had a lot of emotional connection and we experienced what you're saying we're like we had a lot of like we were fulfilling each other

in different ways and I almost never wanted to have sex and like it was awful for me because I was like what the fuck is going on with me and in that case that's how I felt too it was just the emotional connection it was just I was getting my the fulfillment in other ways and so that's an important call out because I think a lot of, a lot of my female friends are like, why don't I want to have sex with my boyfriend anymore? And that is universal. Like it is so rare that you constantly want to bang the person you've been with for five years. That is, that's rare. So it's like the open communication becomes even more important because you're so comfortable with each other that you feel like you don't have to be open and communicative. And more often than not, one of the

people in the relationship is like, why doesn't this person want to touch me anymore? And it's like well I I want to touch you in other ways I want to touch you with my heart it's like it just gets like it shifts you know and it totally does and I um I think it's hard to like put it into such logical perspective yes because there are so many feelings involved and until you've stepped outside of it and like really thought about it and analyzed it it's hard to think of it in that aspect and it's just like also like not wanting to have sex has a lot of the times it doesn't have anything to do with you or how that person feels about you or how you feel about that or anything being wrong but but then it's so easy for one of you to be like something is wrong like why don't

I want to constantly fuck this person or like uh how come they don't want to have sex with me I don't know yeah it's just easy to get into that headspace and then unless you've thought about it um from a different perspective or been in each situation then it feels I don't know it's harder to to understand or think about the possibilities because there are so many possibilities there are but then there are also some cases where like I was dating a guy for a while and like I just stopped wanting to have sex with him and it wasn't that I was getting the fulfillment elsewhere it was that something was wrong but it was still very obvious for me to parse out the difference between the two like it was obvious in that scenario where i was just like i'm just not

really into this guy like i'm not into him and we had been seeing each other for a while so it's like i think when you love somebody so much and like everything else is great in the relationship it's either a hormonal issue or you're just getting the fulfillment elsewhere like or i mean there's there i'm talking about it in very black and white terms but in the most basic of terms if nothing else is wrong then there's it's probably just something as simple as that and we've talked about this in a past episode I think in like episode really early on so early on and I think about that all the time and I like want to re-answer that question and it's like my boyfriend wants to have sex all the time and I don't like what should I do and we were kind of

high level about it and I the more I've thought about it like I'm like god I want to revisit that question so if you're listening here's some other alternatives to that answer and um I think the most fulfilling thing you can get is having honest communication about it and it's so uncomfortable and awkward because one of you always feels bad yeah well a lot of times both of you feel bad totally just like you're like okay I care about this person so much and I like it turns me on how much I care about them and like I want to intensify this connection and have sex and I want to have sex with them all the time yeah and then the other person maybe like they're getting enough emotional fulfillment that they're like I don't really feel like I need to have sex like

I'm enjoying this and then they know that you feel rejected and that feeling of rejection like hurts even if you know logically it's not about you it still hurts yeah you're like something's wrong with me they're not attracted to me like I'm not doing enough I'm like failing in this area to where they don't want to have sex with me and it just creates this imbalance and everyone's uncomfortable and it's hard to talk about but I think yeah I don't know having open communication about it yeah is kind of the only thing that is like going to give anyone any relief and continuing the conversation too because yes like continuing it and continuing to explore the like feelings and ideas behind it and breaking down just like these um societal structures around

sex oh my god relationships and expectations yes it's it's hard because I think once people talk about it then like it's just like in this hypothetical scenario like I feel like you don't want to have sex with me and then the next time the person decides that they want to have sex the person that brought up the issue in the first place is like they're only doing this because I talked to them about it it's like that is such a natural response and maybe there's a piece of that that's true and so like continuing that conversation and being like I just want to be sure that you're doing this because you want to and not because I had a conversation with you about it because like you're not going to enjoy it if you feel like you pressured them into it

or that they don't actually want to be involved it's like only enjoyable if both of you are enjoying it and I think that's across the board um I also think that like a good alternative is like if one of you wants to have sex and the other doesn't if you still are participating and then getting off so that doesn't mean like you have to be like going down on them or like using doing any hand stuff it still just means like if you're encouraging it and like getting them into it and they don't have to like go to the bathroom and jerk off or masturbate yeah or like wait until you're asleep to use their vibrator like if you're like still like kissing on them like that can still be enjoyable and hot yeah I think that's also a great alternative

absolutely yeah totally sex doesn't have to be like penetrative sex there's so many different ways that you can like have those yeah and you're like oh well the only reason I'm turned on is because like I'm really into you yeah right yeah and I love that that's just like spices things up in a different way yeah interesting I think if if you if both of you are on the same page of feeling like um we're having sex for a connection and not because we're horny that's different but also i totally understand like wanting to have sex because you're horny totally me too um and in those circumstances if you're both not on the same page uh that's why we have other things that's why vibrators exist yeah that's why porn exists get that vibrator out

request um some neck kisses some ear nibbles turn on your sex playlist oh yeah a good sex playlist can really change an evening i love a good sex playlist and some lighting should we compile a sex playlist i have some name of the holy hour yes we absolutely should y'all are gonna get off to our playlist i actually love that why didn't we do this before i don't know We should do that before this episode comes out. Okay, so we're going to make, yeah, we're going to make a sex playlist. When this comes out, the playlist is already available, y'all. Fucking, we'll figure out a way to share it.

It's on our Instagram. It'll be on our Instagram. Anyway, should we wrap? Yeah, let's wrap this up. Wrap it up like a present. Wrap it up like a condom, baby. All right, we're going to go shotgun truth. We should end it like the Amanda Bynes show.

Bring out the dance and laughs. all right okay well we're gonna go shock and truly