The Hoely Hour - E28 Big Simpin'

Episode Date: February 26, 2021

Mommy White Claws: It's not like a regular White Claw, it's a cool White Claw. Because it's loaded with vodka. You heard it here first folks: if you ain't simpin', you ain't pimpin'. The girls hate Valentine's Day, but it's only because elementary school teachers scarred us specifically. Last, let's get real about falling in love and exploring intimacy without sex. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

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May slow when network is busy. See terms. The names Tyler, Ryan, and Kyle are all the same name to me. They're all the same man, too, to be fair. Like, if I meet a Tyler, I don't know, if I meet one guy with, like, a Y in his name, I will get it confused with every other boy's name with a Y in it. That's fair. I have always gotten Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day flip-flopped when I try to,

I have three videos of my phone saved of me trying to say Valentine's Day yesterday and saying Thanksgiving by accident. february and november are the same and i can't explain how i uh used to call bikinis penises when i was a kid yeah i said i want to win my penis that's what i would say yeah i love that so much i would yeah that's one of my mom's favorite stories to tell that and um i used to what I used to ask if boys wiped and my mom was always I was very little I was like four and my mom was like I'm not answering that fucking question and so I went and asked my brother and then I would just walk around the house and I would say girls wipe boys shake it

because my asshole brother would teach me these things that I was too young to know but he didn't care and it made me a strong bitch so I thank you Matt welcome to the holy hour i'm amelia samson and i'm liz ball i think you used to say three two i think that that's why i've been so thrown off i don't know i just listen to my heart and it said one two three eyes on me i wonder what that means oh god psychoanalyze that and my i was gonna say my favorite thing that you've ever told me that of recent recently yeah um so Amelia told me that her mom will come down when she's had a hard day and be like do you want a mommy white claw and it's a white claw with vodka in it it's the best thing in the world and I think

that name is perfect a mommy white claw we should open a bar yes oh she and she like loads it up she says that she doesn't but she does she like she comes downstairs she knows what I'm having a bad day she's like do you want a white claw or do you want a mommy white claw how does your mom know when you've had a bad day um because I usually don't emerge at any point or I emerge cursing about something that's how she knows she's like it's time for is it a two vodka day yeah it's really it's changed it's changed the game for me now when I drink white claws I'm like I'm being good today because I don't put vodka in it it's still alcohol Amelia it's not not juice a cheat day is when you put vodka in your white cloth yeah I like that I'm trying to think of

what I do when I have a bad day cry I do cry sometimes um I feel like I just mostly become horizontal I try and become part of my couch that I thought it feels like good self-care yeah just relaxing um the other day on Instagram someone like so you know about like the Chris Harrison uh beef yeah so an account I follow um just posted like a screenshot of his statement and um the comments under it someone was just like criticizing Rachel Lindsay and I was like she did nothing she she just was like hey are you gonna do something about what everyone is talking about and then Chris Harrison if you guys haven't don't watch The Bachelor and you don't care too bad um but someone caught like was criticizing Rachel Lindsay and then I was like

girl if you're racist just say that fuck yeah and this girl said I was cyber bullying and then I was like she said cyber bullying isn't cool and then I was like no cyber bullying would be if I told you that you look like your parents are siblings cyber bullying is not having an opposing opinion and calling someone out for perpetuating like racist rhetoric good for you i don't care fight me no i mean she's in the wrong like if you watch that interview rachel didn't she just kind of let him talk himself into a hole yeah which is like she didn't need to do anything he put himself there i absolutely hate and despise that like the bachelor franchise has put the entire responsibility of um like handling conversations around racism on rachel lindsey like yeah i don't know they're

like oh well we had our first black bachelorette uh and the problem is solved now and she can continue the narrative and then like i i was very surprised but if katie is not the bachelorette i will riot yep I love her well she's from Renton she's close to us yeah she's the best I know I'm like how is she in the same state and we have a cross I yeah I know we should become her friends Katie if you're Katie if you're listening or if somebody that knows her is listening can you please have her call us and she can be we we can't give you any money but if you want to be on the podcast let us know yeah you brought a dildo on the first night and that's something we would do i feel like i think they gave it to her really i think so but whatever i don't know fuck yeah

she owned it we love a sex positive self-aware queen who doesn't let anyone behave like a ruthless stupid rude ass bitch she got buried for being the only adult there oh my god yeah i was i remember seeing a tweet and it was like um they need to put katie on the payroll because she is working she really was she really was like the therapist sort of i had a thought too i was like what if we have the same therapist oh my god because she lives here yeah damn lady be our friend oh my god we love you okay i have one qualm with matt one okay what is it he kisses with his eyes open exclusively i don't think i've ever seen him close his eyes when he when he kisses people i've seen a couple where his eyes are closed was he blinking because i haven't seen any

was it a long blink every time i've seen him kissing it he's just like staring right down i'm like oh my god i can't nobody's that cute that close up um i wanted to have a conversation with you about simps because there's a lot of talk there's a lot of chatter around simping recently because i there was something that came up on tiktok but i was i was reading the comments and oh it was one of my videos oh but i had a little hair flip someone in someone in one of my many simps no no i wasn't one of my simps if you're listening simps you can simp for me too you have so many simps oh my god okay well i only need one and that's my cat i know that's my cat i want your i want your cats

to be my sims my boyfriend did call gatsby my simp he that would that feels accurate he is a little bit of my simp anyways but on this guy's dating profile he was like saying he was basically saying like simps as a negative term and he was like oh well you know if men tell you exactly what you want to hear they're simps and all of these women were commenting like oh no a simp like they're acting like men being nice to us is something that we don't want and I feel like the culture around simping is shifting and I wanted to talk to you about it because at first when simps first like hit the scene became like a mainstream convo I feel like it was negative that was like a year ago too I feel like when simps really became like a word yeah that people

used in their day-to-day language yeah that's right you sent me a song yeah use a sim and i was in florida and that was the first time i had heard the word so it was a year ago um so i feel like initially a simp was kind of interpreted as like uh a reply guy so like now they would be considered a reply guy which is just like um a guy who replies to all of your your posts online and it's like step on me yeah and you like never respond and they just keep trying that's yeah i guy and that's what i respect your reply guy yeah i have no issue with reply guys i just like um sometimes it crosses the line sometimes reply guys get creepy but when you're just they're just being nice when it's just being nice yeah when you're just like you know being

friendly whatever yeah um and then i feel like now simp is a term that incels use to try and like insult other men yeah who are like self-aware and like defend women's rights yes yeah um so that i mean there's that they're like i hope she sees this bro yeah like a guy could be like don't rape women and then there's some incels like i hope she sees this bro you're a fucking simp it's so fucking stupid i i am in full support of simping if you can commit and just go balls to the wall on being into somebody and being respectful about how you reach out to them sometimes it can yield positive results i'm watching some snow hill drama happening behind you i was just hearing yeah i think so good lord i live on a steep hill and there was a snowstorm

in seattle and uh people were sledding down my hill that's so cute it was adorable this dad brought out on like lawn furniture and he set it up on the corner and he was just drinking a beer on the corner watching his kids sled down there that's phenomenal como four put together this like montage of people having fun in the snow and it was i have to send it to you it's so i walked to my mailbox and then i thought maybe i was going to continue my walk and my hands were frozen and i was fucking miserable and i was embarrassed about not having mail and i'm like i'm gonna go retreat um i went sledding down a hill in my boyfriend's neighborhood fun what you used you have a sled uh no i used um a plastic lid for um like this container it doesn't need the

lid so that's why i used it because i was like well it might break um it did break but i caught some sick air we went to a park by his house and there was like a really steep hill and then someone had built like a a jump at the end of it in the bottom and um he he didn't see that there was like a little launchy thing so i went down the hill i was stoked like both him and his roommate were there they were like trying to calculate like the best hill they could go down and i'm like are we fucking doing this or what let's go pussies yeah i turned into a bro i was like i need a white claw give me a four loco um i don't even winter sport i'm ready to die uh so i slid down on this plastic lid and i was like ah yeah and then um there was just like a lot

of kids it started to get muddy so we went back to like the hill that they live on and i just i couldn't like i wasn't moving it wasn't because i was on a plastic lid i'm not on like a sled or anything but since his roommate snowboards he's like do you want to use my snowboard and like try and go like sit on the snowboard and they were like coaching me like maybe what I should do because it's probably going to go fast and um they're like have your legs out so you can like stop if you need to like before you would go into a sign or something and I went so fast on the snowboard I could have gone faster but I was like maybe a car will whip around and I don't want to die i would be so scared i see that's the kind of shit so fun i'm murphy's law again i would crack

my skull all the way open doing that yeah i know i would but i'm so glad you had fun i kind of wish i spent more time in the snow i saw people eating like uh they're like yeah i made stuff on a snow cone i made a snow cone snow is dirty yeah ew i don't want to ruin their fun and be like you might have um a tapeworm yeah oh my god don't eat snow guys did you find uh snow pants uh no i just used my boyfriends and rolled them up and then i also didn't have like mittens so i used his and they were like i don't know like two inches above my fingers oh i already have kind of small hands yeah it was very warm that was the only the only thing i needed was to be warm and that's accomplished yeah i did want to talk about valentine's day though so this episode won't come out until like

probably two weeks after valentine's day because we are ahead of the game on our recording you'll have to see it but uh i hate valentine's day not for reasons you would suspect um i'm not like it's just like a commercialized holiday like i do like kind of think that but also i'm not like throwing shade at people who are celebrating valentine's day by like being you know being into it do what you want to do i am a lover of pink i when i remember being a kid i'd be like yes i'm such a girly girl everything is pink and red and hearts love that um but i have two different stories about why i hate valentine's day the first one happened when i was in fourth grade in mr clayton's class and do we have a new enemy of the pod yeah mr clayton oh fuck you mr

clayton actually he was really funny and like a cool guy but i take it back he no but also like low-key like fuck him okay fuck you mr clayton um he so there's this boy in my class his name is Jordan and uh like Jordan told me like a few days before Valentine's Day that he had a crush on me and I was in fourth grade and I was like I don't really like I know I like I like boys but like also I just like haven't gone through puberty so so I don't know it makes the whole idea makes me nervous um so and I've always had crushes on people but I was like I had to think about it and I was like Jordan's pretty cute I guess I like him back and then um for Valentine's Day on everyone's card so on the girls cards I wrote love Elizabeth and then on the boys cards I just

from but on jordan's i wrote love elizabeth oh my god what a move and he told the entire class including mr clayton and then mr clayton came up to me and he said i heard you wrote love on jordan's card and i was like why would he do that i know why would he put you on blast like that i know what a cunt and then there was a girl jordan in the class too so i was like oh i must have thought it was the other jordan's card and then that jordan was like but you don't love on mine too i don't know and then mr clayton laughed at me and you know what a bitch now that I'm an adult and I am probably the age Mr. Clayton was he probably was like that's fucking cute that all of these kids are freaking out that these kids have a crush on each other I know but like

but to expose me like that I called you out Mr. Clayton I have anxiety as a millennial i have anxiety and you have been a pillar of it i hope that he i hope that he reflected on that moment after that i bet he never thought of it again and i have thought about it into adulthood there are teachers don't realize like there are things that they do that we think about into adulthood yeah i had a teacher that when i'm focused i don't know if you've ever seen me do this but I smell my hair when I'm focused and I never noticed that until my science teacher in sixth grade called me out in front of the whole class he said does your hair smell good and everybody laughed and it was in like the peak of my bullying so I was like mortified and I still

think about it it does not matter it does not matter but it still haunts me that's embarrassing being called out in front of class we had a teacher in our elementary school he was a fourth grade fucking teacher but if like a kid like did or said something stupid he would call them a burger flipper that would never fly today that's awful yeah he'd be like you should get a a job application at burger king oh my god i could never the amount of stress management you need to work at a fast food establishment he could never never fuck you whoever that man is do you know mcdonald's was rated the most stressful job in america for a few years in a row i do not doubt that people are such fucking assholes about everything especially when it comes to like

their shitty fucking drive-thru food yeah like you didn't get my order right it's like like okay well this isn't exactly top quality food karen yeah anyways back to elementary school teachers this is a little bit of a veer off from the valentine's day trauma i've experienced but uh talking about teachers reminded me of um when i was in elementary school we had p and then we had like a p e like student teacher so he was like 22 um i remember his name mr fitzpatrick and he they had like little microphones uh because we go outside and they have little microphones clipped to their shirts and they'd like tell us what to do and um mr fitzpatrick took the microphone off once and farted into it oh my god which to this day is the funniest

fucking thing just farted straight up farting into a microphone i love that i bet he got reprimanded for doing that no no the gym teacher that the the main gym teacher looked at him and started laughing oh my god the boys were like dying and the girls were like i wonder what he's up to now probably married to like some hot lady he's pretty cute i always think about my teachers when i was growing up and how young they were and how hungover they must have been frequently in class because i have some friends that are teachers and they're always drunk my parents are teachers i have friends who are teachers and no one goes harder than teachers yeah god oh my god i had this teacher my third grade teacher's name was miss zinni she was a bombshell and she

was 30 and she had never been married and i thought that that was appalling and now that i'm 27 and not even close i'm like god miss zinni i'm so sorry we gave her so much hell we were like you're like ancient you've never been married and now i'm 27 like i'm still a baby i'm so sorry you're 30 and you're not married i tried to find her what is she a child bride oh god she was she was great though she used to do yoga with us good teachers really make a huge impact there was a my third grade math teacher was named mr mack and everybody had a crush on mr mac you did he was a band teacher and he was a stoner oh yep huge star i didn't learn anything about playing an instrument from him and then i transferred schools um but you still remember

mr mac i do my mr mac is a little scary you know the song cecilia by um simon and garfunkel cecilia you're breaking my heart oh yeah yeah he used to sing that to me and say amelia and i had the biggest crush on this man and then there was a girl in our class named Cornelia and he used to sing it to her too and I found out and that was my first experience with heartbreak Mr. Mac he ended up marrying a substitute teacher and had three of the most beautiful kids I emailed him when I was in college I'm like you need to know how much of an impact you made on my life because he was a phenomenal teacher and we emailed back and forth for a while and then he sent me his wife's name and I was like I remember when they started dating in third

grade I was like oh my god don't you remember that like hot drama of like when you found out two teachers were dating oh such an exciting moment um my parents met because they are both teachers and my mom is like um so they both like got hired at a school in like the bottom of texas it's like right on the border and my mom knew spanish pretty well um and my dad didn't know any and my dad thought my mom was bilingual oh wow she's definitely she's new enough and then they had to share a classroom so my mom taught english and history and my dad taught math and science and the kids would like tease them and say they were dating before they even were and my mom was like my mom had a long distance boyfriend at the time and she's like yeah your

dad would try and like hold my hand under the table when we'd go out for happy hour like he was relentless like in love with my mom and then uh when she when they got engaged like the whole it was a small school i think and the staff like had like an engagement party for them and like my mom was like the school lunches there it was just like all these mexican women making like this bomb ass food for school lunches she's like I've never had food that good oh my god they like made all of this food and then um I think uh yeah they were still there I think they were still there when they got pregnant with me and they like had a party for them there cute yeah I was almost born in Texas uh they moved when my mom was I think seven months pregnant I can't imagine moving

one month pregnant I don't know a lot wow what a love story yeah I love that the kids must have loved it they must love that drama oh yeah yeah for sure my dad's blatant flirting with my mom which I can't even imagine now my dad's a goofball now um but back to my valentine's day trauma yes go uh so um Amelia knows the history of shoe man and yes you know what I don't blame you if you haven't listened to every fucking episode that we have that's fair so shoe man is like my everyone has a terrible ex and he's mine um and we knew each other for like 10 years um like high school and we dated again as adults so he was like my high school sweetheart and we dated twice in high school so the first time we dated we were uh 16 and it was like in February

and obviously I remember like telling my mom I was like tomorrow's Valentine's Day and I have this like boyfriend will you take me to the store so I can get stuff for him and she was like no you have to do I had a project due she's like you have to finish your project and then the next day he me all the shit for valentine's day i got like a balloon a stuffed bear um some m&ms my favorite color is green so he got me just the green m&ms and then that's cute and then he got me uh or like a card and i think that was it the bear the balloon and the card or maybe something else um and then obviously i don't have anything for him so i wrote a note and folded it up all cute and i gave him the note for valentine's day and then he broke up with me later that day in a

voicemail wait what and asked for all the stuff back because i didn't get him anything for valentine's day that's why he broke up with you yeah and uh my and i remember like listening my phone had died um so that's why he left the voicemail and then so i was listening to the voice and wait until you answer no and I remember turning out and like it was it was raining and it was cold and I was like listening to this voicemail and I was like mad and sad and I because I was like that's not a good reason to break up with someone yep so that's that's why I don't like Valentine's Day that's a good reason that that is good enough reason I explicitly tell people I don't want to do anything for valentine's day uh i told my thing yesterday not on not on purpose

like we already like uh my boyfriend had already like made plans to do something else on saturday um and then he's like okay then how about on sunday we can go sledding because i've been like telling him i want to go sledding and it just happened to be valentine's day that sounds like a great valentine's day yeah i had a blast i love that and then uh we just did what we would normally do and then um because before that i was like uh for valentine's day can we like not make it a thing and then he was like yeah sure i love that i'm like i just that's your gift to him for valentine's day yeah it's not doing anything yeah it just makes me irritated i fully hate valentine's day i just like it's like halloween is for me like i don't like the pressure of having plans

i know you do i like halloween because it's close to your birthday that you've redefined halloween for me okay that makes me feel better i hate halloween and new year's and valentine's day too i just don't like the holidays where there's expectations that's fair that's really fair and so i like halloween because i like wearing a costume uh-huh that's fair you would think i would like it because i i am a a bougie not bougie um what's the word i'm looking for i feel like i could be bougie yeah that's not the word i was looking for though i'm i am a um flamboyant theater kids yeah before we get into our next topic here is a quick word from some of our friends at the chatter network hi everyone satan here to tell you about the new show debuting

here on the chatter network the silver screams podcast is a show where three horror movie buffs watch horror movies and then talk about them join them as they ingest analyze and regurgitate all of the tastiest bits of spooky cinematography you can catch the show every friday wherever you get your favorite podcasts so pull up a seat in the dungeon and if you hear a spine tingling growl in your ear don't worry max just fell asleep during the movie again just give him a quick nudge to wake him up stay spooky scream team i did kind of want to talk about love oh please um last night i was laying under my weighted blanket and i was thinking about all the people i love in my life and like including my cats they're people too they are even though grandpa

drives me nuts and gatsby drives me nuts when he eats my plants um he just jumped off my lap uh i don't know and i just like got really emotional thinking about like how much i love these people that's beautiful how much they mean to me and they don't have to do anything to mean anything to me they just exist in my life yeah and I was weeping oh my god wow what a beautiful reason to cry yeah I love that I felt really good good I think everybody should practice gratitude have a positive cry about how much I love the people in my life that's such a lucky I feel crying weeping about something positive is such a strange experience because it's like I'm like I'm happy but like what's going on to my body it's such a good feeling it's so important

to practice gratitude like that I don't think that we do that enough I'm glad that you had that moment yeah uh I just I think that um I in general I've thought a lot about love and death lately just in this last year specifically yeah that's fair um but I think the biggest thing that I have had to kind of uh confront is just like what does love actually mean to me and it's one of those things that you don't realize your interpretation of it changes yeah um and I also thought I started this is so stupid because I probably should have realized this sooner but like everyone how everyone experiences love is so different um because how we interpret love is shaped by our first experiences of love of like our parents or our caregivers like that's how

we initially interpret what love looks and feels and seems like yes um and it makes a lot of sense why like those kinds of things carry over into adulthood and you're like why some couples yell and fight all the time my therapist explained that to me and she's like she's like yeah fighting is like a daily thing for some couples and i was like i could fucking never no i'm not confrontational enough i could i could never well i used to think that right because i would get yelled at a lot as a kid so my interpretation of love is was uh fighting yeah and still being loved after that huh uh and then I started going to therapy and how like how I interpret love has changed so much and I also just um Amelia's about to order food yeah but I was like about to just do it while

you were talking but now I'm like fully invested in what you're saying so go on I was like what's she looking at um I don't know I've just I didn't realize how much like how different my interpretation of love is now yeah until it just kind of like blew up in my face not in a bad way until i had to recognize it so yeah i don't know that's it's interesting to like as you're it's it's cool finding out like the peripheral stuff that falls into place like when you start like really coming into your own yeah stuff like relationships friendships love like that stuff all I had a conversation about this the other day of like the importance of not following like what everybody says that you need to do when you get out of a relationship. Yeah. Because like I was

very much so in love and I rushed into dating and that was, I learned so much about myself doing that. And like, yeah, like I learned a lot about like what I wanted out of a person, but I learned a lot about myself through finding out what parts of love I wanted and didn't want and what I thought was love and what wasn't love and like I I feel like all of this stuff kind of starts to like slot into place like as you learn about yourself you know so like I don't know it's just interesting to think about how people's because I I've started thinking about that a lot recently too that like people do experience love differently people do feel love differently like you can be in love with someone who's in love with you and you could be having completely different experiences with it

yeah and I don't think people really ever think about that because it feels like such a we become one and it's like a unifying thing and it's like well no like you love languages are a perfect example of that like we give and receive love so differently person to person and it's just it's one of those things that just clicks when we figure out who we are I don't know everyone has like a different attachment style yeah oh i took the quiz last night oh you did at 2 30 in the morning what attachment style are you i am 51 percent um uh secure and then i am hold on i actually took a screenshot and sent it to katie i need to take this quiz i'll send it to you um okay i am um eight percent fearful avoidant 31 anxious preoccupied which

fucking tracked i looked at the definition i was like dismissive avoidant is eight percent and then secure is 54 most people are mostly secure and then our outside experiences develop the rest of it yeah like everyone's gonna have a little bit of all of it yeah it makes sense um I want to be like very I feel like I've been very like protective of my relationship and I want to be like really honest about it right now and I know he won't mind um but I think that I don't know like being in this relationship has made me wonder if I was ever actually in love before like when i think about my relationship with shoe man and how awful that entire experience was for me oh god what the hell was that gatsby probably oh doing something naughty no he's not in here

yeah he's in my room um oh here he comes he's like oh nope did you guys hear that um but just thinking about how bad that relationship made me feel about myself versus now um with my current boyfriend like i didn't want a relationship when we started dating and then i met him and like you can speak for me yeah yeah it was game over yeah i was like oh god she's not bad I did not want to like him and I was obsessed with him immediately yeah she Liz texted me and she was like I'm scared I'm going to like this guy yeah I think you already like this guy I remember he went to the bathroom on our first date and I texted Amelia I was like this guy's great yep um by the time I got to the point where I started dating my boyfriend

I had already like worked on myself so much and taken I also think that being in quarantine um and being by myself so much of the time made like when you have that much time to confront the thoughts that you've been avoiding like your internal work on yourself it really speeds up oh yeah yeah absolutely like if you compare to how I'm talking right now to how I was talking on the first episode of this podcast I think there's like a big difference yeah and that was authentic too I look back on that and I'm like oh and it's so different and we were being so genuine we were just being ourselves yeah and uh yeah just like that like I was so afraid I was so afraid to to be in love with him and um I think that I even now I think like how

I felt was valid because all I had was my past experience to base off yeah base that off of right and like for the first time in my life like I I haven't talked about this at all um on the podcast but like we we broke up for a day a few months ago and Amelia came over after because we were supposed to record and that didn't happen um and she came over right after we broke up and like I was devastated but I also was kind of like prepared for it and I told him that I loved him when we broke up because I thought I would never have another chance to tell him how I felt and um he was like so yeah the not even 24 hours later he was like I don't want this like I I want to work on this and like continue my relationship and I was on an emotional roller coaster yeah

when he texted me that he said that I was like I did not know how to process anything it was really hard but um yeah and then after that when we talked about it I was like obviously he was like I don't know if I will like be able to feel the same way about you and I was like that's okay like we haven't been dating for very long like I didn't want to tell you that I just didn't think I would ever get another chance and then we've talked about it so honestly before like after that too of like I was like I wasn't ready to tell you that and there's a difference between feeling it and like telling someone that you feel that way because you get to keep it to yourself um and when it's just yours like nothing else can hurt it or take it away from you yeah and once you

tell someone that you love them and they like if they don't say it back like you're both in a weird position and it's hard to not take something like that personally absolutely and then that could end it too yeah telling somebody that could be the end of it that's so fucking scary so um yeah uh when we talked about it in afterwards and he was like I don't know like if I'll feel the same way or like when and I was like that's fine like I'm not trying to rush anything or pressure you like I'm just happy sitting on the couch and watching tv with you and um when we did like talk things out and like decide to be together again um he was like the second I left your apartment I regretted everything like because he initiated the breakup even after that I remember telling you

and my therapist that he had said that like I don't know if I'll ever feel the same way and I remember both of you guys asked me how I felt about that and I was like I don't think it changes anything for me I it doesn't change how he makes me feel about him which is like I he does make me feel loved like I feel very safe and protected with him and like I can be myself and um like he's one of my best friends and whether or not he says it doesn't change that feeling yeah and like that moment for me was like the first time I was like this is what unconditional love actually is and feels like I don't need anything for to sustain this feeling and when I had explained it to my therapist that like it doesn't change anything for me like it doesn't

bother me it doesn't affect me because it doesn't change our relationship and how I feel and how he treats me and she's like yeah all of your needs are being met so that makes sense and when I explained that to him I was like sorry if like me talking about like the peripherals of love is uncomfortable for you because it is kind of weird to be like saying you're in love with someone but not and um he was like no if anything it makes me feel more comfortable because I'm taking pressure off of him because he knows now he doesn't ever need to say it to me for me to still be happy and comfortable right and then when he slash if he says it then you know that he means it because he wasn't forced into saying it yeah Amelia knows that he did say it to me I didn't

want to say that I wanted you to be the one to say he did he did tell me that he loved me when he was ready and I had taken melatonin and I thought I was in a dream I was like wait is this real is this real life so um I don't know it just like is very special and I know that everyone is at a different point in their lives and we all kind of go through these phases where like you're with someone and you think you know what love is like and there's this um comedian daniel sloss and he i think he's scottish and he makes this amazing point in his one of his stand-up specials which is like you have to love yourself first and we've all heard that we all know that and it's he says but if you only love yourself 20 and you meet someone else who loves

you 30 you're like oh my god that's so much and that's not even half so when you love yourself 100 someone else has to come along and like meet that or surpass it that is such a good fucking point and it's true it's so true like i loved myself completely before i met my boyfriend and so when I did like meet him and we started dating like I already had a standard of how I wanted to feel and be treated because that's how I already felt and treated myself and like that did not happen overnight I had to get my heart completely trampled on to even get there yeah and even now like we haven't even been together like I'm talking like we've been together like five years but we haven't yeah but um how long has it been uh seven months wow wow and if i

the last person i dated i dated them for nine months and it was nothing like nearly as we didn't know each other nearly as well as my boyfriend and i know each other now and like you think you can have a plan in your head like i'm gonna date someone for this long and we need to live together for this long and like know all of this stuff yeah before we get married and like well you have to be married for this long before we have kids honestly fuck any plan you've ever had yeah seriously there is no way to plan for anything no and every relationship is so fucking different so different yeah every time you fall in love if you fall in love more than once it's going to feel different because love changes based on who you are yeah yeah yeah and that's so god i love that

visual of like if you love yourself 20 if somebody loves you 30 it feels like so much like that's so fucking real and I've been kind of talking down to myself in a sense of like you're expecting too much but and really it's because I love I finally love myself so much that like not anything less than that won't do for me and and that's good that's how it should be and I'm so happy that you're at that point where like you were able to love yourself before you let this person in who loves you who meets you at that level of you loving yourself that's such a beautiful thing and something that people should not settle for anything less than yeah don't settle for anything less but also like how everyone processes those feelings happens in their own time so oh my god

yes you know if you guys aren't immediately in love with each other that doesn't mean anything like it someone else is the time someone else takes to process those feelings and thoughts has nothing to do with you so I think that the biggest like thing that I recognized while that was all unfolding is like I never made it I never made how he felt about me like how he processes his emotions has nothing to do with me as a person like I know I'm worthy I know that I yeah like i like i love myself yes yeah i know how i want to feel and be treated that's such a powerful place to be in like how you feel about me does not determine how i feel about myself like that that's a that's a powerful move also if you like truly love yourself and if you truly

love someone else then um you're not in a rush like never once was i like oh god it's been this long and he hasn't said it yet yeah yeah what does that mean and I that I'm also saying that as someone who has absolutely pressured and steamrolled my exes into saying it to me and that's why I also I'm kind of like well maybe none of them ever really did or maybe they only knew how to love me 30 because they only loved themselves 30 yeah yep so and we learned so much from those situations too like I really felt like when I was last in love that was like my great love like I really thought that that was like it and it was beautiful in a lot of ways we loved each other so much but there were a lot of ways that it was super immature and like knowing that

now that I know myself so much better like the next time that I'm in love is gonna be fucking dope and like that's so exciting to me like the fact that my person is out there somewhere is fucking exciting to me and I don't think I could have said that until I loved myself you know like there is somebody that is worthy of me that's exciting as fuck and being able to say that is cool in itself you know I don't know never lowering your standards I will not I will not and it's cool because every time I have feelings for anybody it sets the bar for what I expect to feel about someone and a music man is a perfect example of that like how I feel about him it's so fucking dumb because he's really done nothing to earn this but like I like the feeling that he

gives me that's that sounded bad to say he really has not given me any indication that I'm ever going to be it for him but he is a phenomenal person he makes me feel very cared about when I'm with him and we have a great time together and I get butterflies every single time I see him and now that's where the bar is like if I don't feel strongly and I know that these things can develop but like that's where I want to reach now and so every time you like date and interact with people and find out more about yourself and more about what you want it changes that bar for how what you're expecting and so I feel like I kind of have this like barometer kind of that's like starting to go up of understanding like more and more about myself and more and more about how I

interact with people and that's why I think rushing into dating was so important to me because like that that's all of like the forming of thoughts that I needed to understand what I wanted out of a person when you're finally out of a because both of us have had this experience where we got out of a relationship that was manipulative and toxic and neither of us are saying that we were perfect in these relationships either we definitely have made our share for of mistakes but uh our share fair our fair share oh I didn't even know to say that I was like I said something incorrectly um yeah we've definitely made our own mistakes and can't overlook that um but the difference is when you learn from them and when you are coming out of like a relationship

that in your gut you know was really bad for you and your partner had some shit they needed to figure out yeah um and you did too uh but once once you're out of it you're like i don't want to say you feel kind of reckless but you're like i want to like you you immediately go into like something kind of serious with someone else because you don't know how to not be a girlfriend in someone else's life yeah and then you uh try and do everything perfectly because you're like i don't want i need to prove to myself i'm not the reason that this relationship ended i need to make sure i know how to make something work and then you get to a point where you're like wait i'm not even actually happy yeah what am i doing yeah and then you have to cut it off and

then it's the other person's blind side yeah and uh then after that you have a string of doing whatever the fuck you want whether that's not dating at all or dating a million people yeah but like everyone kind of does their own thing but this is what I and I always make a joke that I say this every episode when we have merch there will be merch that says this but when I say everything's a lesson or a blessing that's exactly what I mean it's like making mistakes like that and I say mistakes loosely like go rushing into dating somebody and hurting them in the process um is it teaches you something like it shows you something it shows you multiple things and so I think like every experience like that is worth something and it gets you to where you need

to be and I think people are always you know they're really hard on themselves when they do things like rush into something and hurt someone in the process because that fucking nobody wants to hurt anybody but like you probably taught that person something too you know and like that's kind of beautiful like i i feel like i'm in this mindset right now where like there's no there's no mistakes unless you like physically hurt somebody or like if you're intentionally being manipulative yeah then that's you know you have something to work on yes but stuff don't date anybody you if you are able to move forward from a air quote mistake and be better the next time then that wasn't for nothing and I think that that's pretty dope and I always had like I still feel kind of I just

didn't know this is what I was going through and what I needed at the time but I do feel a little bad for like the person that I dated for nine months and kind of blindsided when I broke up with him because like I had all these feelings I was trying to process about a breakup that broke my heart and I was doing everything to avoid having to process it and um I used this person to like fill that gap but also like that person was really amazing like to this day I don't have anything negative to say about him he's a great guy and that also is why it was so hard to like break up with him because i i just knew it wasn't right for me and it wasn't right for him either like i was like this just isn't how i want to feel like the rest of my life

yeah and um i remember when i was like debating if i should break up with him uh one of our friends i'll tell you who after i know who it is one of our friends um she was like well maybe the right girl for him I was like I was like the right girl for him like we'll do xyz and she's like well maybe the right girl for him doesn't have the same standards as you maybe she has different needs and I was like oh shit yeah that's a good point like people just have different needs especially in relationships so like maybe what the right girl for him needs is something totally different and when when i was breaking up with him i explained that to him and i was like he was like well because i was like i need like xyz and like this kind of thing from you and he was like

well i'd like to do those things for you but it seems like you've made up your mind and i was like yeah yeah but also i was like maybe the right girl for you doesn't need to tell you she needs those things because she needs something else that you already know how to give her like i was bawling though anyways breaking up with someone and them being so great about it fucking sucks well when i broke up with him i was like are you in love with me and he was like no no he was definitely not okay and then well because i was like i want my point was like we are not in love with each other we know that like it should feel different yeah that's a good point and i was like i'm not i think he was expecting me to be like well i'm in love with

you oh but i i was like see i'm not in love either and i know myself very well and like i don't feel how i should be feeling and it has nothing to do with you like yeah i just shouldn't be here right now yeah that's huge there's so much maturity i think i walked home walked home just crying oh my god fuck if breaking up with someone fucking blows it does it blows this was this was another thing that got cut out of the last episode but I recently ended things with grapes and he was so fucking fantastic about it and mature and heard me and repeated back to me what he heard it sucks when someone's amazing I was like he was like well I'm gonna go he didn't hover and then he like kissed my head when he left and hugged me really tight and left and I

was like I've made a mistake here today and I'm like no Amelia no you have not you thought long and hard about this but it's so hard when they're so great during a breakup ah you can know someone's great and no they're not right for you 100 and you're not right for them yeah it goes both ways if you feel like someone's not right for you you're not right for them either yeah okay should we do a sex fact yeah i'm trying to find one sex fact of the week oh interesting okay i got one this would warrant more research on our end and the listeners end because it's not a lot of information but it is an interesting spark of thought you can do a libido restart a libido restart if your sex drive is in a state of fluctuation from zero one minute to 100

the next don't panic simple approaches like diet tweaks and exercise could help even things back out oh oh it linked right to the bottom and anchored to the bottom of the page how to level out your libido ready oh yeah whether you need a libido adjustment and what to fix depends on whether yours is too low or too high and how much it bothers you and your partner if you're in a relationship figure out how your partner feels about your sex drive are the two of you completely out of sync or do things match up pretty well if you and your partner feel a-okay about how much sex you want chances are your libido is just fine just keep calm and get on oh my god who fucking cares okay diy for libido issues when there's no smolder in your sex life enough a

number of things can help light your fire first give yourself and your partner a little extra love and time pencil sex and intimacy into your schedule right up there with work meetings and dinners out with friends i like that block out an hour on your calendar and just fuck in the middle of the day that was that's not what the article says i'm i yeah fabricated a little bit okay back to the article speaking of food you might find a new find a few natural aphrodisiacs right in your kitchen oh okay bananas anchovies i didn't know no i didn't know about oysters i didn't know bananas either bananas avocados and chocolate can help you put put you in the mood um to spice up your sex i sprinkle a little basil or garlic on your pre-coital meal i've never seen the word

pre-coital meal you gotta carve up it tells you then to try different um positions one erogenous zone you could be overlooking is your mouth talk to your partner tell them what makes you feel good oh my god they meant talking what is this fucking article greatest i've been pulling our sex facts from here so hopefully there's some sort of um they they cite doctors in here so i think that's right um exercise and that's about it oh so okay so the basically diet exercise and conversation can i guess restart your libido so there you go kids get it on all night long fuck in the middle of the day and those things like are obvious but you have to like do them at the intensity that's necessary necessary for

your relationship like yeah maybe you're not talking very openly about the things that you want yeah from your partner like um i can't i think this is gonna come out in like the episode right before this one but i rant about how i've been frustrated with um my sex drive on prozac maybe that was in this last episode that already came out i can't remember but i definitely include it somewhere that you guys will hear but i've been frustrated with my sex drive on prozac and what has helped me has like been planning sex yeah ahead of time because then you have the day to like get there mentally and like it's a little more stimulating when you know it's gonna happen yeah because then you can be a little more present in the moment totally because I know now that

Prozac has kind of like put a little rain cloud on my sex drive which is so sad because I was having this sexual awakening that was very exciting hopefully it evens out i hope so uh but yeah planning ahead has been really helpful good i mean that makes sense because then too like the food that you put in your body because i have i can think of two instances just in the past six months where i well no it's been like a year i had to correct because of what i'm about to say i don't eat mcdonald's often but i've had sex twice right after eating mcdonald's in the past year and it's hell like you feel so sluggish and tired and you're not into it i don't want to do this yeah so like you know being able to plan like you're saying and like you know put good

food in your body it's gonna happen right like get kind of mentally prepped there's nothing wrong with that i think when people get into relationships and they start feeling like they have to like you want to go have sex it kind of like loses the fire it doesn't have to no if you're just like hey can we have sex on this day yeah because i'm supposed to get my period on this day yeah and i want to have a good time and i want you to have a good time too and so let's all have a good time let's all have a good time um so when you get there like when you plan a little bit that can help but then also like um knowing that prozac has been like affecting my sex drive um and being very conscious about what kinds of things are intimate to me that still satisfies this

like need for intimacy without being sexual and when you think about those things like i really enjoyed thinking about those kinds of things like what do i really like that my partner does for me that is like intimate but isn't sexual yeah and wow like even just like playing with your hair or um putting their hand on your neck or holding your hand in public like there's other like we all have different physical needs and if you think about like the kinds of things that your partner does for you that make you feel special aside from being sexual like when you think about them consciously like you have a greater appreciation for them and then um i don't know yeah hopefully that also satisfies a need of intimacy the more conscious you are of it absolutely yeah takes away

the pressure of their needing to be like penetrative sex for there to be like a connection because yeah it's not always the case I think yeah and the longer you're with someone like that's kind of like just how we understand like being intimate and connected is like through sex and I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing or there's anything wrong with that but um when you're conscious of the other ways that you and your partner make each other feel special then it's the pressure yeah yep and just being really honest and like empathetic with each other yeah about it okay we're gonna go yep it's time to go it's time we're we're unraveling quickly here we are thank you for listening if you're listening on apple podcasts please rate us

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on one note is what i have to do okay we love you our children took me a second to find it it was good that's beautiful okay goodbye Thank you.