The Hoely Hour - E3 How I DM'd Your Mother

Episode Date: June 25, 2020

Thirst traps so good, dudes wanna meet you like his name is Ted Mosby. Social media FBI agents Liz and Amelia share how to find out if someone’s ex blocked them, Amelia has a beard kink, and Liz sexts a guy with an Oedipus obsession. And one listener shares an interesting sex story… let’s just say there’s a new meaning “big ass Sharpie.” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

when you post the thirst trap it's always for one person and then other dudes respond to it and you're like get the fuck out of here yeah you weren't who i was wanting to hear from you'll know this is if this is for you it's not for you it's not for you welcome to the holy hour i'm amelia samson and i'm liz ball thank you for joining us for another mass oh okay so one thing i wanted to ask you that i was having this conversation with um frozen pizza last night and he was like i don't know how we got on the topic but i was like oh yeah like do have a type and then um he's like if my friends met you they would be like oh this is she's totally his type that's cute it is cute but then i was like i was like how do you how would you feel

if you were someone's type versus like out of the ordinary for them because i don't really have a type i have a personality type i would say yeah um and the the baseline i would say is a sense of humor like that kind of like really quirky like um abstract sense of humor almost well did you press him for what he meant like how you're you're his type because i think that that probably would determine how i feel about like look look type oh yeah and probably personality a little bit because his hinge profile says like um something about his type is like uh artsy left leftists that's you yes like this is me i'm an artsy leftist i have that tattooed as a tramp stamp artsy leftist i have no tattoos because they think it makes me unique

that's what my tattoo says this is no tattoos i'm not like other girls i want to get it i have no tattoos just a tattoo that says i have no tattoos because i'm not like other girls i think that that's a really good idea that's my brand i love that yeah well i would say okay i'm gonna once i get if i get to a point where i'm like fuck it tattoos don't even matter like then maybe i'd do something i hear when you get one you just like stop giving a fuck about the other ones i mean like i don't know i feel like people obviously care about the tattoos that are on their body no matter what but after you get the first one it like opens up the floodgates and you're just like well i had this idea once when i was drunk and so i'm just gonna like touch i want

like a bunch of black line tattoos because i'm fucking annoying because i'm an artsy left like um like they're only black lines yeah there's yeah me too yeah i really like black that's because color like fades and it takes upkeep and i don't want to deal with it does and i feel like at the end of the day it comes down to me being lazy i feel that do you want to be someone's type or do you like what is i don't know um explain explain yourself amelia I think it's a that's a really good question I haven't thought about it I've actually thought about how nice it is to not be somebody's type and have them be attracted to you because it's like you weren't seeking out the type of person that I am and you're still attracted to me it's kind of

like yeah me I don't know I guess it goes both ways I think being somebody's type is awesome because you know that they're you know like you fit this idea in their head of who they expect to be with but then also somebody choosing you because you're not their type is like fucking changed your mind because that's how great i am i think there's kind of beauty in both of them i don't know this pussy changed your mind it's a life-changing life-changing pussy yeah this pussy changed your life mind-altering um i would well because i was thinking about how the guys that i've dated i'm their type like all of the guys like i fit into whatever type they have and um like look wise like so shoe man every girl he dates is like a walmart brand version of me

it's so true so um and then like another ex i have like the girl he ended up marrying when she and i would go out together like people thought we were related we look alike my type is like if you're a hot person physically that's a that's about it are you hot yeah that's a physical type but most of my attraction comes down to like um yeah the sense of humor bit and then also um do you trigger my attachment issues because if you do i really like you you're not gonna work out yeah yeah we're gonna fight all the time buckle up baby yeah you'll never tell me you love me and i love that about you you you're not showing me any affection really gets me wet yeah i don't think i have a physical type i was showing um i was hanging out with

um a couple of friends the other night and one of them i had just met for the first time and he asked me if i have a type because i was showing him a bunch of different dudes that i'm talking to right now and none of them have a string yeah in common between all of them um i really like beards like slap a beard on anybody and i have a beard on that bitch i think i'm a testosterone junkie like i truly truly think i am because like every time i see a beard i'm like i gotta know his name i need him to be mine i need to know what's behind that beard and then i try to change and i don't ever try to actually change the people that i'm dating because i learned the hard way though that's not possible but like if they can grow a beard

i'm like i hear about having a beard because i just i just love beards are you able to grow facial hair yeah that should be one of my questions on my dating apps well shoe man couldn't grow a beard I saw a picture of him recently where he had facial hair and I was like oh no this ain't it yeah that's not working for you baby no yeah I would rather have a naked face than a patchy beard for sure yeah like the patchy beard is not a good look it's really not and it's sad because I know they're trying yeah I know you guys are trying really hard but just like do yourself a favor and don't why don't you want to look your best all the time yeah like you look like you got in like a freak razor accident frozen pizza came over yesterday or obviously it came over yesterday

i've already fucking said that no when frozen pizza was over yesterday he had facial hair and that's the first time i really maybe he's no yeah that's the first time i've seen him with facial hair but he looked good like a beard beard or like a um like scruffy he looked like chad michael murray shut up he took his glasses off when we were making out and i was like whoa you gonna die wow i like the scruffy look because i feel like in a lot of movies like when a guy is like spending the night at a girl's house he wakes up and he has like afternoon shallow scruff for no reason yeah for what did this grow overnight

my leg hair grows like really fast so i feel like it's not too far out i've never thought about like how quickly a beard might grow or how quickly facial hair grows like it just grows overnight like the grass yeah I don't know actually because it's so weird to think about like sleeping next to a guy and while you guys are sleeping you wake up you're next to like a totally different person he's like Tim Allen and Santa Claus just full beard overnight i read something that said if if a guy like beards grow faster men are thinking about sex which i know is not the case but like it kind of makes sense like i need a doctor to weigh in on this i should be calling up right now you you measure how horny a guy is by how quickly his

beard grows but i'm thinking because if the testosterone's flowing it's flowing everywhere out his face how fast does his beard grow in comparison to his pubes does the carpet match the dreams oh god i really want to know i'm gonna start asking them that what the fuck does the beard match the pubes making myself cry on the first date so does the beard match the pubes i like oh god oh my god oh this is a good beginning oh god i'm actually crying

god we keep getting off track okay i know it's because the alcohol we're drinking what is this liz you made it okay so we're drinking a mimosa that also has vodka in it but the but it's pineapple orange and peach juice yeah it's so good this is the this is holy water this is holy water it's a mimosa with vodka and also the juice is peach mango orange juice it's a fucking mess my brother warned me about um drinking alcohol while on add medication he's Like, you're going to feel like a superhuman and you're not. And the Vyvanse is going to start to wear off and you're going to hate yourself. And here I am.

And now I'm here. And now I'm here. And I love it. And I laugh. What's your brother's name? Matt. Matt. This is for Matt.

This is for Matt. I love you. He's definitely not going to listen to this. Fuck, he would rather scoop his eyeballs out with a spoon. His sister talk about sex for real. I'm also talking about sex, Matt. Yeah. This is Liz talking about sex.

I wonder, I've totally thought about this before of, like, you know, me posting thirst traps and, like, I think I'm attractive, you know? And I don't have to be ashamed of that. No. And try and be, like, some humble-ass boring bitch. No. Wait, I want to talk about that, but go on. I've got thoughts about that.

I've got some thoughts. I've got some thoughts. No, I was like, I wonder how awkward it is for my brother to, like, see me posting thirst traps and know that guys are like dming me and fucking simping in my dms because men know how men act and how men think my brother took me off of his timeline on facebook i mean that's fair yeah i also don't post thirst traps on facebook because like all of my parents friends have me on facebook when i thirst trap on the gram we all are thirst trapping because there's one guy we want to look at that fucking thirst trap i yes and my twitter bae yeah my twitter bae would

always respond to my thirst traps they they are tried and true you will always yeah i posted one of our holy hour photos on my story the other day with one guy in mind and all of the guys came out of the wood yes it's it is there's a science did the one guy also respond instantly it was he was like he like texted me with like a drooling face i was like it me i mean you like me there needs to be a search feature on instagram stories someone needs instagram if you're listening which i know or not but instagram if you're listening there needs to be search feature on stories because a lot of us girls are out here posting stuff on our stories waiting for one person to see it yes there's search features on everything else and not on stories i know i've been please indulge

my toxic behavior but do you know where that person falls in your story like you know where they are oh yeah yep yep but it'll change sometimes like it'll be like sometimes we'll be talking more and more on instagram and he'll like move up the list but otherwise i know like who he sits between and those two people are always looking at my story so I know like if he's not between those two people I don't need to keep looking yeah exactly I do that too I did that with my twitter bae anyways um yeah so thirst traps will always get you the attention so I feel like a lot of people when they see people posting thirst traps like I think people need to change their their way of thinking about them when they see other people posting them because I think a

lot of people are like oh my god she's so vain first of all there's no issue with that let women feel empowered by how they look yeah let it happen we're hot and we're not gonna be hot forever so just let us fucking enjoy it and we have so much shit that's knocking us down and trying to make us smaller in the world so if we feel like we want to post our tits on instagram let let it happen they're not gonna look like this forever i'm documenting how hot i look right now and i'm gonna be stoked about it and it's i'm allowed to be happy that i'm hot right now we should be celebrating women feeling comfortable posting themselves on instagram like if people are feeling good enough about themselves to be like i look fucking hot in that photo and i want everybody

to see it that is like i want to cry thinking about sometimes i'll see my friends posting like a really hot picture yeah and you're like oh my gosh you're fucking killing me you stole my wig i fucking love you this is my you are my muse you are my flame you look so hot you look so good I'm so proud of you for showing everyone how fucking hot you look. Yes. I hope that your future kids see this. Yes. And because then they'll be like, mom, what is this?

And then you can be like, this is why you were born, little bitch. This picture made you exist in the world. Yeah. Your father saw this picture and came over and we fucked because of this picture. Yeah. We're going to hang it in our room. This is how I got, this is how you were born. We're hanging this above your crib.

You can thank this beautiful ass. Thank my ass. Thank my titties. okay this is why you are here pray to the ass yeah pray to the titties yeah thirst chest is how you were born little bitch this is how i got your father in my dms he didn't even know i existed before this okay i planned this you didn't know i existed but that's so funny i found him on the internet okay which is where everything is going nowadays sourced it out yeah we outsourced I was like listen you don't know me but you're mine we are talking about something that Liz and

I talk about frequently which is how we behave on social media um we were talking about how I think that it's we both think that this is something that a lot of people do but nobody talks about it and we act like it's this taboo thing when people behave ascertainly on social media but we're all actually you're we're all fucking doing the same way and no one wants to acknowledge like that we all have the same kind of weird behavior and it's but oh he's got an opinion too you always have an opinion you've been so quiet until right now he's like i have to yawn and you need to hear it that's how i am that's how i can that's how men are yeah that's true like do you need attention my dad does that i'm like i think that like white men get to a point in their life where they're

like i'm not getting enough attention i need to scream sneeze now why is the scream sneeze thing i used to fight with my ex about this all the time he would sneeze so fucking loud and i would yell at him for what yeah he's like this is how i sneeze i'm like that is no it's not how no one sneezes like that you this is a learned behavior he's like well it feels better when you like lean into it i'm like what no it doesn't no it does not this is how you sound when you come it wasn't my mom told me this story like so i guess my grandma is a scream sneezer and then my aunt like my mom's older sister like when she was in like first grade she screams teased and in class and the teacher sent her out of the classroom into time out for

that teacher deserves a nobel peace prize like let's get rid of that behavior let's nip that in the bud she's like no yeah no we're not gonna do that this is for attention yeah oh my god if i got kicked out of class for all of the times that i was asking for attention i would have never learned a thing okay so um yeah everyone is crazy on social media it's time we talk about it yeah it's time we address it because amelia and i are both at fbi agent level but i also kind of think that like everyone is this level frozen pizza and i were talking about this last night like he is not online nearly not even like a quarter as much as like you and i are online and um he still was like yeah i saw all your i looked at all your social media like i

googled you and he just owned up to it and i was like yeah i do that shit too and it's not because i'm like trying to like be a stalker it's because this information is available and i want to like know about you well this whole that's about it the dating app culture is weird because you're meeting people with just enough information that they want you to have about them and you don't get that when you meet people in real life like if there's information about i'll tell i'll tell a little story around this there was a guy that i matched with on he super liked me on bumble which is like a super like always like them back like and that costs money like you have to be paying to like super like people but this guy liked me on super liked me on bumble and um he was a

comedian and which i guess is clearly that's your time i guess so and he had enough information on his bumble that i could google him and figure out his last name and so i did that and i found all of these lawsuits like he was like this big comedian in um nigeria or yeah and he had like fucked a bunch of people out of a ton of money and got sued and he had to like flee nigeria yeah full sociopath totally and i wouldn't have known that i would have gone on a date with this guy who was like super hot like he would have been very funny i'm a nigerian prince you would have been the victim of a nigerian prince scam he super liked me on bumble i wonder if that's the new nigerian prince email is nigerian

comedians liking you on bumble yes wow shit no but this guy really he like apparently like everybody in his in his like original his hometown fucking hates him because of this and i wouldn't have known that if i didn't google him and so like from that point out like i have gone through great lengths to go like full FBI status on people yeah but I and there's so much available so why not why not be like I think people are like well I don't want like this kind of creepy like dig in and it's like no it's not no it's all doing it's on the internet we're all we're all doing it and I mean I know that I like all of my social media stuff I'm I fully anticipate someone maybe coming through it and like learning a bunch of shit about me totally I was on a date

yesterday and we talked a lot about that about how people portray themselves exactly how they want to be viewed on social media and like he's really interesting because his whole twitter is very like hitting up bitches left and right and like flirting with like really beautiful women online and you meet him and i was like i was like he's make less noise nothing he's nothing like how he portrays himself online like at all and so the conversation just kind of naturally came up and wait who's this um six foot seven yeah because he I was so shocked but we had this long conversation about like there's no way that you could ever know who somebody is just based on their social media and their dating profiles because and that fucks me up yes so you got to do some research

like if I can find I want to see like your 2007 myspace photos I want to know like who you are to the core I don't want to know you know like this like really quirky answer that you figured out on hint you know i like so if the information's available then why not like dig into that yeah i think that that's a fair thing to ask for so um me knowing amelia does this stuff i'm like yeah other people fucking do this yeah we're not the only two in the world we just like miraculously found each other and then frozen pizza just straight up telling me like oh yeah i found all of this stuff on you which like almost was kind of like reaffirming to me because i'm like okay men do this too um if they want to yeah you know I don't know if they do it as obviously as we do

I think they kind of do I don't know I think that I don't know either either they don't do it or they weaponize it because like whenever I talk about like oh yeah because when I first started dating the comedian already I know when I first started dating the comedian like before I even went out with him I like found his podcast and like I found his website and like I like dug into that and he was like amazed that I had like done all of that but then I've also dated guys that are like when I talk about that I never ever put myself in the position for them to be like oh you're so creepy so I kind of just talk about it at a high level like oh the FBI is really missing out on an opportunity with women like this is what we do and they're like wow what the

fuck that's kind of crazy like okay well have you ever been fucking cheated on yeah it's not that crazy no it's not that crazy no I'm protecting myself bitch and I also think part of that is like um an intuition like if you think someone's up to no good they probably are yeah gut feelings are yeah guardian angels yep and that's on that and that's on guardian angels and that's on the holy um oh man I mean I'll so if I really like someone I can use my most recent experience of really really liking someone i also he's not gonna fucking listen to this this guy i met on social media um i found him on twitter one of his tweets showed up on my timeline started following him because i just thought his tweets were fucking funny and then um my instagram was linked in my

twitter bio and he started following so he followed me back on twitter and i was like oh my god that's always such a good feeling yeah wow I must be really interesting and hot well yeah but we all know that but it's just like it's nice with a cloud yeah so um I think we started following each other in like January and then quarantine happened and I remember texting um Anna and I was like I think I might slide into this guy's dms and she's like fucking do it like what do you have to lose i'm like it's true he lives in new york i don't have shit to lose like worst case is we don't talk so we ended up talking a lot so what month is it now june we've been talking since february that's four months all quarantine it's a long ass time and also like

quarantine like the world is so small right now so he's my quarantine bae i know it's just like these situations feel so much bigger when we're in quarantine yeah so I don't know I I'm the one who messaged him I initiated it and um yeah he was like super responsive and it was like fun to flirt with him and then um I went through fuck I like I don't care if he listens to it but I care it a little bit yeah of course you do of course you do i mean like yeah i totally get that i mean i went through his entire instagram and also i've talked to my therapist about it i'm like am i crazy and she's like no this information is available to everybody if he doesn't want people to look at it then he shouldn't have it up i'm like no totally and if anybody thinks it's creepy then

they have something to hide it's like why do you think it's creepy if you're offering it up make your instagram private um i don't know about you but when i post something on instagram i'm like i want the fucking world to see that i also just love attention so that's probably why but like Unless your Instagram's private, like, just assume that people are going to be going through your shit. So I went through his entire Instagram, and I made this timeline with Amelia of, like, when I think that him and his ex-girlfriend broke up. I mean, it's probably accurate, but in the process, I figured out how to find out if

someone, like, blocked another person. This is helpful information. You should share this because it was new to me. Okay, so Shuman has me blocked on Instagram, and you know what? if you have a bad breakup sometimes your ex gonna block you i don't have any shame in that i have him blocked on other stuff it it was like both of us know each other as our stalkers and so it was like a competition to see who could block who on what first it's really fucked up and now he gets to live with being like i'm the one that like has her blog well i mean he also has to live with the

fact that he's a little cunt so yeah anyways he has to live with himself his entire life yeah he to live with himself i got out bitch he can't escape himself yeah that's sad i'll pray for him r.i.p so twitter bae and also established he lives in new york whatever he's not gonna fucking listen to this if he does hello yeah he's gonna be like there's nothing about me he's too busy tweeting i don't know it's too busy he's too busy jerking off i was about to say jacking off to a picture of himself no a picture of me yeah no it should be you yeah going through anyways at first when i dm'd him i was like i'm fucking bored and like i don't really we're in quarantine and i don't give a shit what i say to anyone right now

that's also why i downloaded hinge again was like it was to entertain myself i'm like i'm gonna say the weirdest things to guys and see if they can like keep up with me being fucking weird and then i ended up catching some feels which is so annoying and like not on brand for me but also kind of i know um so when he started messaging back then i started like really going into his um instagram and like uh you know finding pictures of him and his ex and like i'm not the kind of person like i'm not a jealous girl i literally like i'm not gonna be pressed that you dated someone before you knew girls before you met me especially like you live on the other side of the country I'm not like I'm I don't care yeah that's not the issue yeah um but it gave me some kind of

insight like oh this is maybe how he was in a relationship before so I had that kind of knowledge and then I had that information um like going forward that helped me figure out how you can find out someone has blocked someone else so we didn't get to this because we got so off track okay so here's how you can find out if someone has blocked another person so i'm a third party you know i can see that um twitter bae you know his ex is still tagged in these pictures so i can like click on her and at first it was private and i didn't really care and then um i checked again like months later and now it's public so now that it's public i have a little bit more to help me narrow this down and like figure this out so since my shoe man has me

blocked on instagram and i have a burner account this isn't a secret i think a lot of people have a burner instagram three burner instagram i see yeah i have two three why do i need three why do but we have them i have two because i um was kind of playing around with like a twitch domain and i wanted to snap it up i don't really use it i have one main burner account um so i like was looking at my my account from my burner and um i could see my exes my ex is now public on instagrams and he has me blocked so I could see both from my burner and um since he has me blocked I looked at mine and he all of his likes are still on my pictures all of his likes all of his comments are still there and then if I go to his account all my likes are gone all my comments are gone

like um there aren't any pictures of me so I don't I don't know if tags work I think they do but um that's how i could tell like who is blocked so when i went to twitter bae's um account all of his exes likes and comments and tags and stuff were still in his pictures but when i went to her account like likes are gone like i i can't remember tags likes are gone comments are gone and I was like oh she blocked him so this is probably not a good break yeah well because yeah I don't know so I had that knowledge and then I could still see like this documentation of their relationship so I had kind of that information what do you think it says that she blocked him when shoe man blocked you and you had really done nothing wrong in the

relationship like they're it's interesting that's true yeah because it's easy to be like she probably blocked him because he fucked up but like you didn't really do anything astronomical and like he still blocked you so like i wonder well have you thought about that so that's such a good point well and maybe this is like i'm more privy to taking a woman's side same um i'm like what the fuck did he do that she blocked him it's an automatic thing for me i mean my ex is i know he is an internet stalker like i and i know that he blocked me so he could have that control and i i had zero control so um i think that was part of it so i'm not too pressed about like my ex blocking me is because like he wants to be in control of when he can have access to my life

but anyway so twitter bay we're gonna get more into twitter bay a little bit because it got a little bit deep i caught the feels just so fucking annoying but also good i guess i don't know so i caught some feels for twitter bay and i ended up sending him a birthday present and at first it started out as a joke i may or may have not uh committed a felony but i sent him something and then i decided to make it more fun because i was like this is who i am and if you don't like it that sucks but but aside from that too sending somebody something illegal through the mail and then like dressing up the box with other stuff is not a bad no route to take no i have to i had to include other things so i was like okay if i'm gonna include other

stuff in this box it might as well be interesting and stuff that you've and thoughtful yeah and entertaining for me and it wasn't anything big either what was it like you sent him like pretty just standard yeah just like funny shit that i thought maybe he'd enjoy he didn't send him like a like keys to a tesla no chill a full-on rolex yeah like it's going to be no i didn't i just sent him like different things the only thing i regret sending him is um the trader joe's rolled chili lime tortilla chips and that's because you don't deserve those no and they were the trader does that was the last bag and they were sold out of them for weeks and i was like he didn't like he wasn't appreciative of this gift and i was just like those are my favorite snack um

i since i really liked him i was very proactive about talking with amelia i'm like oh shit what do I say to this guy so we were like hitting it off on the Instagram DMs and then um he was kind of wrapping things up and was like do you mind if I dream about you tonight and I sent a screenshot of that to Amelia and I'm like oh fuck what do I say I don't know what he's gonna say and then I was like I was like yeah do you mind if I do the same and then he was like it depends what are you gonna dream about and I sent that to Amelia too and she was like she's like fuck why didn't we ask him first and i love that it was a wee conversation it's the two of us having this conversation i was noticing this yesterday

that we always talk of in terms of we when we're talking it's the two of us deciding what to mention no there's always a legion of women there's an you're dating two girls yeah two or more it's not just one a whole ass group chat knows what you're saying so so then I um then I was shoot Amelia was like shit what are we thinking to ask him that first and then I was like I was like fuck uh I don't know what he's gonna say because we're on this borderline of like um at that point I knew like this could either turn sexual or it's gonna be really flirty I don't know what he's gonna say so I said you go first because he asked if he could dream of me first you know um and then he was like mine may or may not feature you on your knees and I was like oh it's sexual now

you know what's interesting though I was thinking about this when you told me you had just posted a thirst trap making this conversation full circle you had just posted a thirst trap of you on your knees so you know that he saw that yeah and he had responded to that picture in particular so you know he saw that and he's like oh I know what she looks like on her knees yeah and you were like looking up at the camera full-on blowjob that was a strategic ass thirst trap it really yielded results you hear that audience it worked it yielded results it yielded results yeah honestly it was a thorough thirst trap and it was that was a good ass photo shoot though yeah so pretty um and i i did kind of disguise it a little bit like i think of oh you know what i totally remember what

it was it was a side-by-side comparison and this is gonna sound fucking weird but it was a comparison i have i bought this dress that looks like a dress that i owned as a child and then um i was like sick when i had taken the picture as a child i like wasn't feeling good and i was like moodily looking away from the camera so then i kind of recreated it in a sexual way did a side-by-side comparison and then i said i used to be sick like ill and then it said but now i'm sick with like two c's and like a shocker i'm the worst but i love myself it was a good ass post it was a good ass post so he already had this frame of reference of like oh liz on her knees so he's like my dream

may or may not feature you on your knees and I was like okay I see where this is going and then I removed Amelia from the rest of the conversation I was like hello Liz wait Liz I know I was like did he ever follow up and Liz was like yeah it felt inappropriate to send you or the conversation yeah it turned sexual um but I did have kind of this moment where I was like okay i've only sexted one person and i was in a relationship with them and i felt uncomfortable about it like it didn't turn me on so then i was like very blindsided by this guy like finally initiating like some sort of sexual relationship between us like online because up until then it had just been kind of flirty and ambiguous and now it was taking the turn into being something

sexual it was like a hard shift yeah it really was up until that point he was like just like your eyes are so gorgeous he kept complimenting my eyes and I was like are you going to like steeper creepers me and like fucking rob my eyes from my face every single time he messaged you he's like oh your eyes I'm like are you shopping like and then I get like there are other things about me like right like my personality the rest of my face is also pretty and I have a great personality and a great sense of humor like get a little more exactly like there are other things that you can kind of compliment me on if that your your default is to compliment me it doesn't always need to be about my eyes yeah um but he would always talk about my eyes

and then uh one time i gave him the opportunity to like be flirty um because he was he said something like your eyes have me shook again and then i was like what are you gonna do about it and then he said stab stab myself in the eyes because they'll never compare or something like that and i was like what the fuck this could have been hot and you made it weird it's not what i was asking you to do that was not what i was like oh i thought that you were gonna say like you were gonna like take my eyes like jeepers creepers style and he's like no i'm more of like the oedipus route which when you told me that i'm like is he like his mom yeah what do you mean Oedipus route yeah what do you know the story of Oedipus yeah he fucks his mom and then he

stabs himself in the eyes and then wow nothing gets me hotter I'm like oh my god I'm so wet right now thanks the first time you started sexting me and it kind of took this turn and I removed Amelia because it felt like a little disrespectful to keep her involved this whole time um i didn't really know how to participate because it's awkward and it takes a lot of trust to sex to sex someone and for it to be good so he was very good at sexting so here's how he made it hot okay and i know people are listening and like are like how can i make sexting interesting slash like i don't know he asked for my consent in a way that was like still hot like we didn't lose momentum yes so nothing gets hotter than consent like truly yeah so he so he pivoted to make this

conversation sexual and i had the opportunity he gave me the opportunity to keep to be like yes i'm interested in this and i want to participate um so uh like once things started kind of heating up I was like I found myself in my head I'm like okay what tense are we using like are we pretending that like I'm there are we saying like what we would do to each other like a true yeah I'm very like stuck in my own head yeah um how are we talking about how we'd fuck each other like are we saying as it as if like I am there or like what you would like to do to me or or what started it net out yeah so that was kind of something I had to be like okay that's not the point here but what was it like um it started out as so the first time we sected sexted it kind of started out

as like what we would do to each other or or no what like as if we were there with each other wow that's a strong way to start out well because he started out with this tense of like oh i'm gonna dream about you and then i was like what are you gonna dream about oh that makes sense and then he was like that makes sense yeah yeah um he definitely was kind of taking the lead in that circumstance but then the next time we sexted then i took the lead and i was like that was more of like this is what i would do to you and that was really fun for me to kind of have this like lead and in in the sexting and that at that point but the way he asked for my consent is like obviously things are heating up and we're talking about like kind of stuff that we would do to each other

um or what he's gonna like dream about quote unquote and then um he was like do you want to see me stroke myself to you that would i would be sliding off the seat i was fully turned on i was like damn that's really hot like he's all he's asking for my consent to see his dick he's not just sending me a straight up dick pic there's nothing unless we ask for it we don't want to see your dick exactly unless we ask for it or if you ask and like just just always ask don't ever send an unsolicited dick pic because like that's that is the most jarring thing to get like a penis in your inbox and be like oh my god there was no lead up yeah and there's no lead up and then um and then i was just like yeah i want to see it and so what he sent me was a video but it was like

over the pants or over his underwear so I didn't like see his dick at first um it was just like obviously like he was hard and then it was his underwear was on top and I was like that's really fucking hot it was like foreplay and sexting and I was like down for it yeah I was like what the hell is going on this is just like a whole other world that I had no experience in and then things kind of like started to escalate where like then I sent him a picture of me with like my bra on and um like things were like the more and more climactic things were getting um he was like will you take it all off for me and I was like do you care if it's not a full nude and he said whatever you want love and I was like oh you're getting a full nude yeah you get this whole last

no i think i still didn't um send him a full nude it was just like i i just was topless um but still that was like a big move for me because i don't do that and the only other time i had done that i was in like a serious long-term relationship so i was like down for it though obviously but for him to be like yeah whatever you wanted to like and also i'm sure he is at home just like fuck just send me those titties or something like that but for him to be like whatever you're comfortable with like that is there's nothing sexier than that yeah yeah because then I don't feel pressured and also this is clearly like a new thing for me yeah so then we sexted again like I think the next day um and at that point like um we were kind of like already really like turned on

from the day before because that was really hot so I felt a little more confident moving forward of like taking the lead of like yeah this is how i would fuck you yeah and then um the video aspect of it was really interesting because i had never really thought of that um and so then the day so the day before like our first experience sexting it was just more like he sent me some videos and then i just sent him like pictures um i don't think i sent him any videos uh but then the next day i was like kind of had he took the lead so i was able to kind of follow this lead that he had set the day before um was this all over instagram it's all over instagram show you when you screenshot things uh sometimes if it's something that disappears

it'll show you okay but i don't know yeah you're okay with it either way though yeah yeah yeah what's he gonna do with that yeah well and i trusted him to like not be a fucking dick and like like how are we like 15 yeah exactly yeah and he's like no i'm with it it's like fine yeah so that's the level of trust that comes into like really good sexting so uh it's like regular sex there needs to be a really good level of trust yeah um so then when i kind of took the lead with sexting him this second time around then we started sending each other videos and it was like like i he would send me videos of him like saying my name and it was fucking hot that would get me going and then uh he has like roommates so you could hear in the background like his

roommates were like doing shit and like watching tv or something so you could like him being in his room and like whispering my name i was like oh fuck yeah i was so into it it ups the stakes yeah that's the thing probably hear us doing yeah maybe like someone could hear you like saying my name so um i know and then i was like kind of getting into like this really like i'm the dom in this situation like i was telling him what i do to him and like uh he was like very responsive in a way that i was like yes it was just like really fucking hot and then we were like kind of sending each other videos like um we would go back and forth of like stripping for each other so it was like i'd remove a piece of clothing and send him a video and then he'd remove a piece of

clothing and send me a video or a picture videos of you taking your clothes off or like um now i have sometimes sometimes it was both like if it was too complicated it would just be like now i'm like i don't have this piece of clothing but if i could take it off in that aspect and like it would be a smooth transition then i would do it um but yeah just like things like that and then there what i felt like it was really hot because i was like in control of this one this time and then he sent me this video of him saying like he said um come for me like a good girl and i was like i love when guys talk to me like and i've never been called a good girl and i was like yes I was like oh my god and so did you just like send him a video coming after that

I had already sent it because I got him I like got his video of him saying that after I had already like recorded and sent this video but him saying that I was like oh my god my eyes rolled fully back into my head I was like holy shit yeah this is so this is the hottest thing anyone's ever said to me and the way he said it too with like whispering I was like oh my god no that was yeah it I was like I completely melted and then so then the next time we sexted like a few days later um I have like I have this like vibrator that can be controlled like remotely yes uh-huh it hasn't so shut the fuck up i bought it a long time ago and never used it or like never had the opportunity to use it in the way that i wanted so i gave him access to it this is the

best thing in the world uh-huh and um it just was like like so this time the third time a sexting was like perfect just like this really fucking hot dynamic of like both of us feel super empowered we're like sending each other videos of like us like saying shit to each other and then it's not any like we're not saying anything complicated like if i'm sending him a video i'm saying his name yeah and uh or i'm saying like fuck you're so hot it's just like if you're having sex in real life exactly yes declarations yeah yeah and then um just like kind of being a tease in these videos and like he's doing the same thing and that's why there's so much trust and that's also why it's so fucking hot so then i gave him access to like this vibrator and there were some kind of

glitches in it but what an amazing idea fuck i've never thought of that i know that there are vibrators that can be controlled from like like in public like across the table you know but like i didn't know there was ones you could do for across the country literally yeah i want one it was expensive i bet uh it well i'll share this i um it's i bought it from this brand called lilo and then it like part of it goes inside and the other part goes outside okay those are the best yeah that is built for a vagina yep for her pleasure and you can use it like when you're having sex that's wow multi-purpose yeah it's just perfect um so yeah so we used that that was really fucking fun and um did you like would you send videos of you doing that too wow so that's

why i didn't realize i'm kind of like hung up on him ghosting me because like he made me feel crazy i was like i might go to new york for a dick appointment in the middle of a quarantine like that's how i felt like kind of crazy and i do kind of think that maybe he felt the same way because we were both like so into it and like turned on that especially based on these videos like i know that he was really into it yeah you didn't make this up in your head no yeah yeah and that's why it kind of hurt that he ghosted me because i was just like ready to go to the other side of the country for a dick appointment fuckboys come in all forms i know they really do obviously i caught feelings but i don't think that's abnormal no like um you're giving somebody

a piece of like your emotions and i think in any sense when you open up to anybody period like whenever i have like a deep talk with someone i feel more connected to them so like to have like an experience sexting them that's a form of sex you're going to feel more connected to them after that and i already had feelings for him yeah and when i was so could you not come here come here um so when when frozen pizza came over yesterday we started watching curtis connor's video about like soft boys and twitter bae is a fucking soft boy and i feel like such a fucking idiot i'm like how did i not recognize he was a soft boy he fits every definition of a soft boy by like being a fuck boy in disguise by appealing to your emotions and he has like some level of

self-awareness but like doesn't really want to be in touch with it and i'm like god i know isn't that awful when you like yeah i'm like i know it's there you see a little sliver and you're like god there's so much hope for you what are you doing yeah but then also he's like 26 so i'm just like oh he's a whole baby yeah you're going through this phase in your life of like getting your shit together yeah but the thing that sucks is just like yeah you did really appeal to my emotions by when we started out talking like the thing that really got me was um when so the first time he kind of complimented my eyes um he was like i can't stop thinking about like you looking up at me the first time before we kiss and i was like oh my god you just stole my heart yeah

and he likes coors light and i fucking love coors light that's my like basic bitch excuse me i didn't know that i love coors light yeah it's so funny there's a part of me that is like a down ass bitch obviously you know that but yeah but not everybody listening knows yeah not everybody listening knows that i will smash coors light um so yeah just like him saying very sweet things like that of like um he he was like i can't stop thinking about like you looking up at me before we kiss the first time who says stuff like that it's sad because it should be said more often it's like that shouldn't be i haven't heard shit like that since high school and that like stole my heart and then um and then i was like i'm not gonna lie like i get excited when you

message me and he's like excited like what and then i was like well now thinking about it i'm so clueless sometimes i was like oh he meant like sex probably and i was like i don't know like when you have a crush on someone in high school and you're excited when they talk to you and then he responded with like he was like that just made me smile really big and i'm like yeah you give me butterflies and being able to say that as like a 28 year old adult woman to someone like I haven't felt like that in so long to be like yeah this person gives me butterflies like the things you say to me make me excited like that yeah like nervous almost did you know that that was the kind of shit that you wanted said to you before or was this did this like point it out to you

it pointed it out to me I hadn't heard it in so long and like I guess I'm like a words of affirmation girl more than I thought I was I think we all have all of the love languages in us though like oh totally yeah and yeah just having that stuff said to me for the first time since like high school it I don't know it made me feel a way so I think lesson or a blessing yeah like showed you what's important to you for you to hear you know it does suck because I sincerely liked him and like the things he said to me made me feel really special and um also i think not i wasn't really seeking out this relationship it just kind of like happened organically yeah and that's that was really special i think so for me to like kind of put my heart on my sleeve after

four months of talking to him and like send him this like gift and for him to just kind of like ghost me after that it hurts so much about him yeah that goes back to what we were talking about in the beginning though where people can be whoever they want to be on the internet like he was able to show his best pieces of himself and that's so easy to get sucked into so easy to get sucked into because he's able to curate exactly how much he wants you to be privy to okay this episode is getting really out of hand but we have a really good story on our survey monkey that we want to share okay ready yeah okay so the sex story has to do with my ex i'm not gonna lie even though he's an

asshole cheater fuck boy i feel that he was pretty good in the bed one midday we were bumping uglies when he decided to switch it up from the bed and picked me up to bend me over his dirty ass desk and we continue banging and homeboy was getting to his climax you know doing the uh oh grunting and shit when all of a sudden i feel something go right into my poop shoot in and out the thing went not gonna lie girls it didn't feel too bad fuck yeah sis lean into it so we finish he slumped over me being slumped over the desk and i asked him did you finger my butt he laughed and said no no what the fuck was in my ass so i asked him okay well you put something in my butt what the hell was it he chuckled and replied a sharpie oh my god a fucking sharpie oh my god

then he shows me the newly made sex toy it wasn't your average fine point ladies this was the fat sharpie holy shit he put a big sharpie in my butt well i get this puts a whole new meaning to big ass sharpies hope you enjoyed holy fuck can you imagine how like if somebody was like it was a sharpie in your ass i don't know what i would do i okay i will tell a butt stuff story okay i think a lot of people there have been there was another question about ass eating or something in our survey monkey and because of my pinned tweet about ass eating yeah i joke a lot about butt stuff and have not participated in much of it but i'm going off on a different tangent i'm like fuck it let's just delete it all delete everything no um i don't know so one time i was like dating this guy and i

was like we were both incredibly drunk i was pretty much blacked out and he kept asking if he could like put it in my ass and then i was so drunk i was like fine at first i was like no and then i was like fine and i don't think i would remember this unless he tried it and it hurt so much that it shook me from my blackout like i was in so much pain and i will go on the record saying he had a very small dick um is anybody we've talked about no okay uh i'll just call him firefighter he won't listen to this yeah we don't follow each other yeah yeah he's a firefighter firefighters have small dicks i'm just kidding but this one did but it was so small but then he like tried to put it in my butt and it hurt so much that it

shook me from my blackout and I thought I was gonna throw up because it was so painful my god yeah so that's the closest someone has gotten to my ass uh I've had a thumb in my butt a guy has asked me if he wants me to put I was curious and I was like I don't we talked about it and then he was like yeah I'm gonna try it and then I was like I don't know it's not for me everyone hyped it up everyone was like yeah girl have a finger in your butt and then I tried it and I was like yeah I haven't been don't really care it's a one-way street for me i don't want anything up there like i just personally a lot of my girlfriends like fucking love exactly everyone was like everyone was like talking it up and i was like okay let's you know maybe maybe put a thumb

in there and then my boyfriend at the time tried it and i was like meh yeah not for me yeah it's like it just feels like pressure like it's not doing anything for me guys love stuff up their but like even guys that don't have sex with guys like they love some guys love stuff because of the prostate and so like it feels like especially good and i just like i just never there's no part of me that's like put something up my butt there's no part of me put a finger in a guy's ass never i've done it a few times do you feel poop and no the but the times i i know and i and i've also like i wasn't really thinking about that when i was doing it but i've tried it i would be so i tried it and they and then like i tried it with two different guys and both guys were like

meh they were like not into it and i was like okay yeah but it's not for everyone yeah i mean i suggested it we tried it because i was like yeah i want you to have a really fucking good time yeah you know let's get a little weird down ass bitch yeah and then they were like no not for me i don't really like it and i was like well we tried it yeah yeah okay anyway let's wrap this up okay but thanks for listening thanks everyone for listening that's a good like religious thing for us to close this with um worship each other's bodies especially the clit your body's a temple your body your body is a temple especially the clit open on sundays have sex especially sunday because that's the lord's day that's god's day and you are god

aww man