The Hoely Hour - E39 BDSeMpisode

Episode Date: May 14, 2021

Grab your ball-gag and your strap-on, because we’re getting kinky. It’s finally here: an episode that’s all about BDSM, featuring guest Kinky Katie! She’s a queen in the streets and a switch in the sheets. Katie has all the dirty details you need to unleash your inner Dom or Sub, and answers questions like how to spot a fake dom and the importance of safe words. Plus, The Cosmo Quiz of Kink: bdsmtest.org Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

be a man you must be swept as a coursing river be a man with all the strength of a great typhoon be a man with all the strength of a raging fire mysterious as the dark side of the moon this was this feels good that song is so it's so good it's a banger the whole soundtrack still banger. I still listen to it frequently. Frequently. Sing it in my car. welcome to the holy hour i'm amelia samson and i'm liz ball and today we have a guest kinky katie hi everyone thank you guys for having me we're so excited to have you this is going to be a really exciting episode um and do you have a prayer to start us off i do so um if you could bow your heads in prayer of course um i would like to say a prayer for all of the men who are

about to get their balls stomped by some stilettos after the women are inspired from listening to this episode in jesus name we pray amen amen amen jesus would be proud our mother lilith well we love you mother exactly we have kinky kate here katie kinky katie here today who is going to talk to us about bdsm i am so fucking excited i know the least out of anyone here about BDSM I mean the more research I was doing to prepare for this episode I was like damn I'm really on the outskirts it like goes deep yeah yeah there's something for everyone yeah um so we can start off with the description of what BDSM is is what and what it stands for um so it stands for bondage and discipline dominance and submission sadism and masochism

I did not know that yeah so that's what it stands for and um let's let's start with you telling us a little bit about yourself first so like where I fall yeah in the BDSM okay so um so I am both a dominant and a submissive which is referred to as a switch um and I prefer i guess receiving pain more than i prefer giving pain but also i'm not big in sadism or masochism i guess it just depends on how deep into that you got i mean there's like knife play and all sorts of stuff but i'm not really into that um but you know give me a good spanking and i'm there what kind of submissive would you say you are when you are submissive are you like a bratty sub or no I sometimes um I mean I do love being a brat just because

sass comes to me so naturally but I think the part about being a submissive that I like the most is just not being in control so I tend to not quote fight back I guess so um I guess I'm not too bratty when it comes down to it I'm just like yeah give it to me yeah and I feel like being bratty is just to kind of like amp it up it is yeah it's to get the punishment let's go exactly because sometimes it's weird if there's like not a reason you're like I didn't do anything yeah you gotta earn the punishment yeah so precisely that um but I did want to ask you like how did you realize you were into BDSM so I guess I didn't really know there was a name for it uh, at the time, mostly it was just looking at porn and like rough sex. And I liked that. And so

as I was becoming more sexual and older, um, you know, you're just talking it out with partners and I'm like, yeah, I like spanking and I want somebody to choke me. And I can honestly say that I just feel like a good dom can just tell you're a submissive outside of the bedroom like so they just know and so from there you just the community just kind of opens your eyes more into it you allow yourself to be yeah um I know I I feel like I've like loosely mentioned this but I feel like for this episode and I can always cut it out if I don't want to keep it in um I do have like a dom sub relationship with my partner um and i am a submissive and it's like the only experience i've had with it so it's like not super i don't know a whole lot and uh it's also

not every time that we have sex but for the sake of this episode i will speak openly about it for the first time yeah let's do it i mean maybe you could get somebody to you know dip their toes in yeah yeah um I feel like I had another question um do you have any questions Amelia I'm learning as we're going I'm like so I have just like with going off of that I feel like I've always been interested in this and I haven't known that this is what it is you know like I was with somebody for eight years and I would want him to tie me up and I would want him to slap me in the face and he was so nice it was it pained him and I'm like no but this is like a different it's like yeah you can separate yourself from it yeah right it's not like yeah so I never knew that that was

considered BDSM because how it's portrayed in porn and you know like everywhere else it's like leather and whips and like pain you know until you really dive into it you see how deep it really does run there's so many dynamics there is there's a lot of layers and we'll only be brushing the surface yeah and I'm no expert either I mean I think I've had I've clearly had the most BDSM related partners here um and I've been trying to learn as much as I can just because I feel like every time I learn something new I'm like turned on by it yeah um but yeah just as I'm no expert so and i think it's different for everyone but that's just i think sex in every angle yeah i think that there's benefit in talking to somebody that that just like partakes you know and isn't

like because that's kind of the level that a lot of people are on i think i i don't want to over guess but i think that's how most people are who participate in bdsm is it's just kind of like only in the sex sector of their relationship whereas other people it's like their 24-7 lifestyle yeah and I think most people it's not their 24-7 lifestyle because I think sometimes it just doesn't make sense yeah I've done a little bit of both so yeah I have had a partner where I was 24-7 um and that was interesting um it was fun but it was short-lived i'm not sure how long i could do that in a relationship were you um were you the dom or the sub i was a sub in the 24 7 yeah yeah so it could be i mean you're just constantly on call

basically it's like having a job so for listeners a 24 7 like if you're exploring bdsm and you look up 24 7 or you see it on a subreddit it just means that is your dynamic outside of the bedroom too like you have yeah you kind of have to like do whatever your dom says like yeah i mean there are like rewards for working out or you know dress me from head to toe what do you want me to wear what color eyeshadow should i wear what color do you want me to paint my nails what shoes should i wear um good i mean i've i've heard that it's helped a lot of people with their depression because they can kind of be domed into self-care um so there's so many aspects of 24 7 bdsm that makes me want to cry i love that i really really love that and i think that it gets misconstrued

there are a few questions we got from people that i want to bring up um throughout the episode but one of them was like how do you know who to trust with it because people can take it abuse it yeah they could take advantage of it and something that comes to mind is i don't know if you watched the vow that documentary series about the nexium cult no so there was kind of a dynamic that was a lot of people were talking about kind of bdsm me where like he was running their entire life and they were consenting into it yes but not really recognizing that they were like they're like yeah i'll do whatever you say but it wasn't the same like it wasn't for sexual reasons it was like a fee kind of a fear thing you know and like a power thing yeah so like there's there's a piece

of it that i definitely want to talk about about like how to know who to trust and like where the boundaries are and like do you lay the boundaries up front and because i never knew about the 24 7 thing and there is a lot of conflict between like bdsm and feminism because you're like okay well i'm also such a fucking feminist like now i have this conflict in my head of like am i being submissive because like this is the patriarchy at its worst or i mean frankly i think most most feminists or most alpha women just want to lose control in the bedroom. And I think that's the aspect of being a submissive. Yes, exactly. That really got me into this because I was so tired of constantly being on or in control outside of the bedroom that it's the best way to let go

and relax. And that's really what hooked me in right away. Yeah. Yeah. I was just about to bring that up I'm talking to a guy right now who is a dom and he his whole thing was like I was I had an issue when I was first dipping my toes into this because I was like well I don't like being submissive outside of the bedroom so like why am I feeling like this inside you know what I mean like I was like I don't know I yeah and so he was like no women that are so in charge outside of the bedroom are most of the time submissive in the bedroom yeah because of that exact reason they just want to like let go turn your brain off yes and you get to be the center of attention it's really nice and like i love that there's always i i'm sure all of us have

been in at least one relationship where like you're dating some fucking idiot who wants you to be their mom essentially yes with no strings attached and you're like okay you need to earn everything for me when it comes to sex because i do so much of everything else especially emotionally so like i'm i'm not gonna like be your mom all fucking day and then be your fleshlight yeah at the end of the day like well also you're probably exhausted from being mom all day yeah right been mom working 24 7 um and i think that it gets misconstrued too i mean like being submissive is like being out of out of control but the guy that i was talking to was he made it clear to me that being the submissive is is the point of control in the whole operation and i think that

it from the outside it looks like the opposite but really the submissives are driving the whole thing yeah really which is an interesting kind of dynamic like you would think that the dominant would be the one that like calling all the shots but they do call the shots but you're the one agreeing to it in the first place so you're driving you're driving the operation and i mean i know on a previous episode you guys had talked about you know like a scene is basically like a when you do a BDSM role play or something like that is what they call a scene or I call it playing well I just feel like it really just boils down to your communication and preferences and so really it's like this is what I am turns me on and what I'm into and that's what my dom is gonna do whereas

I feel like when I'm the dom yes I'm I mean I think it's easier as a woman to be a dom because I'm like at the end of the day you're gonna come so like that's what men want they don't really care how it happens um and so I feel like the aspect of being a dom is like I get to do whatever I want like I want to be the center of attention I'm gonna dance and you can't touch me I'm gonna play as many songs on repeat as I want and shake my booty and you just have to watch me do it and you know I think that that's the fun dynamic of being a female dom is you can kind of turn the tables a little bit what was your first experience as a dom it was actually a recent it was with my most recent partner or my current partner um and I bought a cock cage I was just like had to I was

like I want to know like let's lock you up make sure you can't do anything about it um so I had it shipped to his house and didn't tell him it was coming that is a very so much yeah exactly so I was like I don't even care he had never even mentioned whether he'd be interested in something like that but I was like you know what we're just gonna try it and if he hates it like it was 20 bucks down the drain who cares yeah so what happened was he I told him I was like you need to wear this over and so he came over with it on and um I ended up like I said just doing whatever the fuck I wanted and so I ended up getting a vibrator out and like getting off like on him or near him um while he was locked up and then I like used the vibrator on his cage and I was

asking him about it recently and he was like oh yeah that was the time I came without coming and I was like what a concept that men could have an orgasm without literally ejaculating yeah I've never heard of that I hadn't either I know interesting get the cock cage so question for you was this something that he was had he always been a submissive or was it something that you were just interested in trying out it was something I was just interested in trying out he had actually always been a dom oh yeah and so um we had just talked about it it was something that I was interested in at the it's kind of a side tangent but at the beginning of the pandemic I had considered starting an OnlyFans and so I got um some wigs um and so

it's like putting a wig on or wearing leather or putting on your like you know leather stiletto boots like that is just a quick way to like change your mindset into being a dom and so I kind of from kind of playing dress up was like this is something I'm really interested in exploring what aspects of that would you enjoy um and again just opening up that line of communication of things that would turn him on if he was a submissive and we just gave it a try from there does he what does he call you when you're a dom oh we have gone back and forth on good names for me as a dom um i like kitten oh um i do not like mistress i don't like ma'am don't call me miss i'm not at work like stop uh-huh so um i like bunny kitten like cute little pet names like that i'm good with but

i mean he prefers to go by sir and even while we're having this conversation i really can't even remember the last time either of us called each other by our like bdsm dom name interesting does he ever call you a sub name no yeah no I think we just get in the zone and it's I feel like we communicate less it's more like through body language okay yeah like yeah exactly you just kind of really do turn your mind off we've gotten a few questions from men that I can only assume are subs and that's why they're asking of if it's a turn off when a guy is a sub oh my god absolutely not yeah when we read that we're like the question the answer is obviously no yeah I mean good for them for asking yeah um but the answer is definitely no I mean at the end

of the day we're we're still having sex yeah so clearly I'm turned on by you I guess I mean if you really boil it down to just the basics yeah I think it also like it would depend not the level of attractiveness but if you're like specifically seeking out only a BDSM relationship um then like a sub and a sub dynamic might not work right um so you could like find what you're looking for in a switch or a dom like uh but like I guess if I'm thinking from my own perspective like if I were to date someone who was a sub as long as we talked about it and it was like okay well also like if I'm agreeing to be to do this then like I'm gonna need you to do xyz also like it's just all at the end of the day everything comes down to communicating I know and I'm gonna say that

so many times during this episode people are gonna get tired of saying it I mean it's so much easier said than done too because you like overthink it in your head and you're like I don't know how to talk about this because it's kind of weird to like just bring things up and then it doesn't it's doesn't even have to relate to BDSM specifically it's just like any part of a relationship yeah like how do I tell them I need this yeah um but yeah it obviously is not unattractive if you're a male sub yeah when he will wear the cock cage without me knowing I'm immediately just like oh my god I just melt I'm like immediately turned on I'm gonna be honest is the first time i'm hearing cock cage i'm fully intrigued do you know what a cock cage is yeah

please tell me so you it do you want me to look it up for you yeah i want to see i want to see a photo because i can imagine a live reaction you can have metal or plastic but you literally will put your dick and balls into a contraption and then put a lock on it with a key the key is my favorite part I fucking love that oh my god okay here's what it looks like oh my god and now luckily I searched depending on the size they like really can't get hard yeah so it hurt if they get hard it can hurt a little yeah so it's kind of fun that is phenomenal um so how did your boyfriend react the first time you were a dominant then oh god he loved it i'm sure it was like was that his first time like being in a switch position i actually don't know um but from what

i know i would think yes so but i think because we had the bdsm you know dynamics already in our relationship it's just not that big of a stretch to switch it around um i have a couple other questions did you guys meet like because of BDSM? No. Okay so you just kind of figured this out about each other? Yes. Okay that's awesome. Yeah we met on Hinge and kind of just started hooking up and it do be like that and one of the within the first five times we hooked up I mean I'm pretty vocal about what i want like if i'm gonna have sex i'm gonna get off so fuck yes i think that's just like for every woman out there like if you're gonna have sex like don't make it a bad pizza like get your cookie too yes yeah and i made sure i was getting my cookie and i was vocal about it

too much bad sex and i i just say like after age 25 when you're done with all of the wasting your time with all these fucking idiots don't waste any more time no it's just no you know what you want yeah and if you tell a man what you want he's gonna be more turned on listening to you telling him what you want then he will be if you just you know starfish yeah oh my god yes amen so just tell him what you want girls i can't deal um so you just discovered it so had he been involved in like BDSM beforehand as well yeah he had been in a previous relationship where it sounds like he was dominant pretty often and I'm not sure if that was 24-7 at some points or not but I did know that that was a dynamic that he had had um did he have anything in his profile

indicating no um my boyfriend had in his hinge profile um like we'll get along if you're only into vanilla as a flavor love it and then I remember like sending it to Amelia and I was like what does this mean and she's like is he like talking about sex and I was like I don't know but I hope so I'm tired of having bad sex and then he told me like later on like one of the pictures on my profile and this is before I had any exposure to any sort of BDSM one of the pictures on my profile he I was like like posed on my knees and like a dress is this your twitter avatar too no okay because you're a twitter avatar i'm like you are you a dom like when i saw i was like girl get off with those knee-high boots um but it oh yeah what was i saying uh i like i'm on

my like knees and like a cute little dress and then he saw the picture and he's like i bet she's a sub and i was like oh you could you just like could tell by like looking at me that i would be okay with that and then he listened to the podcast and he was like listening to how I was describing like um I think I was describing like the kind of sex I wanted to have as like Kylo Ren and like Rey yeah like that kind of dynamic and he was like I think you would be into like being a bratty sub have you thought of that but as we've like gotten more comfortable with each other it's more so like I'm more like a princess like yeah if you're like I almost brought my crown I knew you would wear it I would um I'm definitely more of a princess like um I will behave for him because he has already

been so like kind to me throughout the day like respectful and kind and like taking care of me throughout the day so then that's when I behave more and like it had it is fun to be like bratty but like i haven't been bratty in so long it's easier to be bratty when you're not like face to face yeah yeah i can be more quick when i'm via text yeah and then uh and then so i would say our our dynamic because he's not really like he like i was like what kind of dom do you think you would be and then we were like reading the descriptions like in our dynamic specifically and he's like probably more like a gentleman dom like he is a little bit he's not really a soft dom but i would say like in our dynamic it probably falls more into that area and i didn't even know

there were descriptions for types of doms so that needs to be we looked them up that's what i'm saying like you're bringing it well shit because there's like there's like definitely like status but can i just say what did i say a good dom will be able to recognize a sub outside of the bedroom just about to say that because you brought that up first like one of the first things you said and the guy that I'm talking again reiterating I have the least experience I have as like minimal of experience as you can possibly have in this field but I'm learning and I'm interested in learning the guy that I'm talking to right now within literally three messages he was like you should take the BDSM test I think you're a sub and I was like oh I've taken have you taken this test

uh no but i i know there's so many tests yeah it's fun i feel like there's one that everybody says it's like black yeah and then yep the like neon colors yeah and i told i told him that i took it and he guessed every everything i'm like oh shit stop it right now i'm like i'm about to drive to the state that he lives in sex toy recommendations oh my god particularly for people who are not together um i highly recommend lovance l-o-v-e-n-s-e okay they're bluetooth controlled sex toys i have something like that and it will bring every bdsm aspect just like right yeah just you don't have to do it you don't have to be together you don't have to do in person the app he can just control it from wherever he is you can send messages within the app if you want

um and i'm two seconds away from buying that you should because then you don't have to drive all the way to wherever he is and you could like grant him access yep yep if you want to have like a 24 7 day we just walk around or something there's something about this man i seriously don't know what it is about him i mean he's very hot but like he's not who i typically go for okay and he's bringing out i sent my first almost nude i know what i know i know have you never sent and it's not that i have anything against i'm like more power to everybody else i know i know but i'm like very close and he it's just he makes me feel empowered to do these things yes you know and like i don't know i'm like about to drive to him i can't no i'm not even i'm i'm about you

don't have to just ship him one of these sex toys and you get love and love and and you can sync them the one i have is we vibe and i their app kind of sucks so that's the only reason i wouldn't recommend them it has all the same aspects you were talking about yeah it sucks in one way um like the app will disconnect a lot so it's just as far as i know like you can't use any other app like you can't put it in the background so you can't like open love ends and then open your text messages because they'll like stop the toy okay but i mean really if you're playing with my pussy that's all you should be focused on anyway let me just open this text real quick excuse me exactly especially because you can message inside of it so really you can just talk inside of it and then

you can just delete the whole chat when you're done so oh god i fucking love this well shit how'd you discover that um great question actually that 24-7 dom sub dynamic that i had he purchased one for me and that was part of the dynamic was if he facetimed me it was like put the toy in like it's go time and amelia wants a dom so bad so fucking bad i want a dom so bad it I'm really I'm on the high well I just bought my boyfriend one of those toys and you can sync them up so you can both be like experiencing the same thing or different things at the same time and so I just wanted to recommend that I mean apparently specifically to you so that you don't have to leave the state yeah it's a long drive it's a long drive well at least get yourself a

toy if you're gonna do it yeah might as well okay question personal question for you for your relationship that you're in now if you were to give a percentage to like bdsm sex and vanilla sex what would you what's the split hmm that's a good question um I would say it takes such a conscious effort to be a dom or a sub um that we really do try to like do a whole scene if we're going to do something so I would say it's only about once a week if that if we're doing a scene and then outside of that we'll have you know vanilla sex I think that people think like you can you it's black and white like you're only doing one or the other but like it like you said it does take a lot of conscious effort and I mean I think one of the questions that you guys got was

about aftercare yes oh it's a good word yeah and I think that specifically I mean you are going to be emotionally and physically drained after a scene and so the idea of doing that all the time every time you're horny is I applaud anyone who has that kind of stamina right I mean I have a high sex drive but I do not have that type of stamina do you feel this is interesting to talk to you as a switch because we've talked in the past about how subs obviously have a drop but doms do too yes is the dot is are the drops do they feel different when you're being a sub when you're being a dom um yes I think so at least from what I've experienced but I'm glad that you brought that up because that was something I was going to bring up I don't think a lot of people realize

that your dom is going to drop too but they're also physically exerting themselves so I think it's important to think about i mean it's an adrenaline rush right so once that stops i mean your gut your body's going to naturally react to that so when it does come to aftercare i think it's important for both sides and that's why who was that that was his grandpa what is your deal dude he looked me right in the eye and showed me all what are you mad about just chill dude um well amelia sorts that out have you ever just picked him up no that's your first time scooping him up isn't he exciting for me he is very heavy i did not expect it he's dense he's like a bag of flour he's my favorite guest star he's yeah he he annoys me so much i brought

my autograph book and i'm not leaving until i get grandpa's autograph um i I did also want to say, like, everyone has different needs for aftercare. Yes. So, like, when it comes to, like, when my boyfriend's being a dom, like, I, when I read, like, oh, doms need aftercare, too. We figured out, like, maybe what I would need. And then I was like, okay, what can I do for you? And then he was like, if I know that you are, like, you feel safe and comforted, then that is, like, aftercare for me. And I was like, oh, okay.

I love that. yeah so it's just kind of like yeah i don't know and like i'm a sensitive person like any sex i have i want after exactly i want snuggles and compliments well i didn't realize a glass of water that's what it was until liz told me about aftercare i was like oh fuck because i would leave hookups sad oh for sure why i wanted to do this yeah i'm like i enjoyed this but i would just like put on my clothes and leave and I'd be like I think it's because um so some of the stuff I was looking up because just like based on our questions and based on the things that I felt like would be important for us to talk about um I wanted to talk about just things around like being sad

afterwards and why aftercare is important is um i looked at a lot of stuff on reddit and one of them is like they mentioned just like a lot of people think that you could just be really detached and just have sex but like that's not what bdsm is about is like yeah not just being like emotionally detached because at that point you're just using people to masturbate yeah and like you said i'm not gonna be your flashlight at the end of the day yeah like you're you're just wasting everyone's time and like everyone is human so that's not helping anyone exactly if your goal is just to get off and not actually have like a connection with this person and care about them as a human then like just go home and masturbate stop wasting everyone's time

in my opinion yeah well i am i'm one of those people that loves to debrief sex i'm like okay let's talk about what just happened what was your let's like have a highlight reel let's talk about exactly that's such a good way to phrase it what was your favorite part like so that's I feel like what I like to do after uh in my aftercare is like talk about it and then be like what was the most enjoyable for you and then I'll say like what put me into subspace and then we'll just talk more about what we liked and then like that also helps me going forward know like okay like let's do more of this or like I liked that we had we dedicated the day to like this scene so like maybe leading up to it I'll like be submissive yeah outside of the bedroom or something like

yeah so yeah I love debriefing I feel like it's such a good an important part of aftercare too because I think any BDSM dynamic you're gonna want to know you know what you enjoyed for next time and you're like okay I'm just gonna pocket that and so I love talking about it afterwards and then I'm like I'm ready for round two yes I fucking love that you just brought up subspace and I think I mean people that are just like tuning in for the first time or or recent listeners I think it would be good to talk about what subspace is um so subspace I didn't really understand what it was until like I had experienced it you feel like you're high oh honestly yeah like you are not thinking about anything it's like kind of a meditative state and everything is just kind of

like enjoyment based you're not thinking about it because I definitely have a problem with overthinking during sex during most things I think most women have that problem just like oh my god I have to remember that I need to like file my taxes it's just like and then you're like no no I can't I can't think about that right now so like I enjoy subspace because it's just like for once my brain is not talking and I am just like in a physical receptive state and it's not about anything else like there's nothing going on in the background yes okay yeah okay that's interesting that's how I would I would just say that I don't hit subspace every time um yeah it shouldn't be like it's not there's nothing wrong if you don't hit it yeah exactly

at all okay yeah that's interesting I mean I haven't ever experienced it I mean the extent of my like bsm sex there's this guy I'm hooking up with right now I'm obsessed with I'm sure you've heard me talk about him music man oh I was just yes I'm so glad I'll be all I know I don't know what's wrong you're simping for him I really am it's a problem I don't sim for anyone but he I was talking to him because he he does some domy things and do you mean like outside of the bedroom inside the bedroom okay I I realized that he was doing this and I was like I'm gonna send you this quiz and so I said yes you did and he was like I don't do this with anybody else like this isn't I just know that you like it so I tap into it and I think that that's an interesting

stay i'm in love with him i'm not like maybe i am amelia's like amelia matches somebody on any app and she's like i'm in love but a baby and me so it's okay you can say you're in love with him every single week but music man is a constant if he listens he's gonna be so fucking scared we haven't said he stopped listening he did let's just hope he held on that but i talked about him one episode and i well i talked about him a lot of episodes i told him that i was talking about in one episode and he listened you posted a video i did where you look oh and it was like you were clearly talking about him and he's like is this about me and you're like uh you edited it you edited it into your own and posted it on instagram and i posted about because i love attention but

i'm very he's you were just like i'm just gonna go ahead and put this into the universe and see if he comes this way she was like a lot of attraction I had nothing to do with it yeah right but it's an interesting kind of take because he took to it like a duck on water he was like I didn't even tell him that I was like like interested in experiencing this but he would just he just started like choking me and like telling me what to do and calling me good girl and like he was really I was like oh he so he's into BDSM and I like he's not I'm apparently his first exposure into it I think that it is interesting and important to understand the levels that can exist in it because I really do think and I said this at the top like when people think

about BDSM when they don't have a lot of exposure to it they think about like the like hundred percent balls to the wall like pain somebody's hanging from the ceiling there's blood or piss like why is this happening yeah just like the i don't know the dark edges of porn websites yeah oh my god they have yeah like german dungeon born um that leads me to a question that we actually got a few times i'm gonna pull it up hey what's up this is tim dowling writer of the average citizen blog and co-host of the new average citizen podcast what is average citizen well it's you me and everyone in between we're all feeling a little overwhelmed and anxious at the state of our country right now so join me and my co-host Tom Creighton as we research discuss

debate and explore some bigger pictures about America's future and the world we're all in this together find us on the chatter network and at avgcitizen.com somebody asked about the how to tell if somebody is a fake dom yeah because we've talked about i was dating a fake dom for a sec yeah and there's no way to really know until you get down to the nitty-gritty and i don't think fake doms know they're fake doms i think they're just like these like the they're like the guys who are like i'm an alpha like yes oh my god but they're actually a beta yeah like you're just a little bitch boy yes yeah i think it's so hard to tell if someone is a fake dom and honestly especially if you're on the podcast i'm just so glad that

you guys have been bringing attention to it because i think unfortunately anyone trying to get into the BDSM scene is going to have a bad experience and I've run across a lot of that on Reddit of people going to their first party or things like that and things just going awry yeah and frankly I've had a bad experience I mean I I know one of your questions was um how can I experience BDSM as a single person and I just wrote it's dangerous I mean do as I say not as I did kind of thing like honestly and I remember um I told this guy that this was something that I was into and once we got into the bedroom things just went from what I like to crossing the line and I mean it was definitely a sexual assault I just didn't realize it until after

and that is the problem I mean you you just shouldn't be doing this with somebody that you don't trust and that you haven't clearly communicated with and I think like we said that was a huge part of BDSM is just talking about your preferences and you'll know if someone is a fake dom yeah if you are talking about BDSM enough yeah um I did do a little research on like you know doms being abusive and fake doms and here are some of the things I found from people who have shared on reddit um this person said i'm recovering from an abusive dom that by my understanding was absolutely terrible at being a dom he would do things without running them by me first i felt more like a lab rat than a partner it's been nearly three years since i last saw him

and i woke up crying this morning from a memory still i'm drawn to certain parts of kink but i still feel fragile i'm not exactly a masochist which doesn't help um how do i connect they're asking for advice obviously um are there even bdsm spaces for non-masochist subs i feel so lost and i think it's important to remind people like you don't it doesn't have to be sexual it does and in a lot of ways it's not yeah and you can be a submissive and not be a masochist so if you're not into masochism that is absolutely fine like you don't have to be yeah a masochist or like enjoy pain to be a submissive and i think i mean i think a lot of the the biggest red flag i have seen is like sex slave contracts if you get presented with a

contract just no first of all go ahead and sign it if you want but they're not legally binding so if you are currently subject to a sex slave contract and you want out there i'm certain they're not legally binding so get out but yeah i mean that is part of it they'll be you know you're gonna do these things and i'm gonna do these things and you're gonna sign your name on the dotted line if you don't want to do something you don't have to and i think that's like the most important thing you need to remember if you want if you're interested in being a submissive or if you are a dominant your sub does not have to do shit for you yeah you have to earn their submission some of the other stuff I read that I felt like was um important is if a dom is volunteering to

mentor you and then uh exploits that mentorship yeah then that is something that you should that be wary of they're probably a fake dom they're probably abusive a lot of the time um I have read that only submissives should mentor other submissives yeah um because it's safer and doms should mentor other doms and um i like that a lot yeah and then they like cross that line of like it's no longer a mentorship and then they like play with you yeah which i mean i think we've seen in all aspects of our life right like if a man is mentoring you and then tries to exploit it and they were setting you up for that yeah i think that's just great advice that you should be looking for other subs or other doms amelia do you have any advice for anyone who wants to

dip their toes in I mean it seems like that's kind of where you are so like no but like I'm also I feel like I'm kind of like it's like a baptism by fire right now and I'm really only hooking up with one person consistently and we're both the same level of not really knowing what's going on and in a way that's kind of fun like I want to be related to a question someone asked is like if we're both new to this how can we experiment with it it's tough because for a while i've been wanting to experiment with an experienced dom yeah because i want to be like actually baptized into it and not like a baptism by fire kind of situation but at the same time like being on the same level of knowledge as someone who's also kind of figuring it out has been kind of fun

it can be less intimidating I think um because coming from the opposite end of not having any experience and then my partner did have experience it's a little intimidating because I'm like okay well you've hooked up with people who like this is their lifestyle yeah I don't know what I'm doing and then you like feel kind of like insecure because you're like am I even a good sub like how do I know I'm being a good sub there's so many questions right right so when I like and back to communication when I communicated that to him it was um easier for him to like he's like oh okay now I know I need to like affirm you like when you are when I think like you're being a good words of affirmation yeah I'm a big your sub love language I think that's just actually just

my regular love language too it's just I need words of affirmation I think the greatest resource has been reddit um because people there are so honest i mean you're behind your computer you're behind your username and i mean like you were just reading people are honest even about the worst experiences they've had well and like if you're sharing like a bad experience and asking for advice the community is so supportive but they're gonna be like you need to get out of this because of xyz so you're always going to be able to find like positive support and advice on reddit because those people like yeah it's like their lifestyle and it's great because of cross posting you can find different aspects of bdsm that you either didn't know exist or didn't know

turned you on and from there you can just kind of get deeper into your own kinks absolutely um Amelia I think this will speak to you uh this reminds me of something you said once um don't subtle for someone who doesn't see me and my pleasure is equally important to theirs um how this pleasure comes about may be different but it's equally important so i think a good recognition of a fake dom is like if a dominant does not give a fuck about your pleasure like no that's not a dominant yeah if i was doing some like if i didn't like something that my boyfriend was doing during a scene he would immediately stop yeah and that's the point of it is like it doesn't matter if he's a dominant like at the end of the day we care about each other that and it's supposed to be

about both sides pleasure right so why why would you continue to be a part of that dynamic if you're not getting your cookie yeah yeah I really do feel like that's the entire point and like that's why doms love being doms is because it's hot to turn somebody on yeah yeah exactly yeah absolutely I definitely feel like I would have switchy tendencies if like uh like my dom was open to that but he's just like don't really seem interested and that's fine with me too I'm happy being a spoiled little sub I'm a spoiled little sub what are what are some questions you recommend someone ask when vetting a potential play parter yes I wrote that one that's a really good question And I think it's important to ask their level of experience.

Like you were just talking about, you feel comfortable with someone who has kind of the same level of experience as you. But I also just want to know kind of what they've already done. I think you're going to feel safer knowing that, just period. If it's zero or 100 times they've been doing it, then at least you know where they fall. yeah and whoever is answering that question needs to be honest because it's not like are you even experienced it's like okay I just want to know where things are so we can communicate and it's also not how many people have you slept with it's truly just how many times have you done

this yeah and how many people have you done it with I think it's especially important I think that when you ask those questions you're also vetting them in terms of how safe you can feel with those people because if they have had multiple partners then I think it's clear that you're more likely to be able to trust them yeah well and also like if you're thinking about um I'm thinking from like a job interview perspective if you're like okay why did your last dynamic end yes like what happened like you know maybe it's a relationship that just ended that happens and um it had nothing to do with BDSM but I think it's important to be like okay well why did the submissive, not want to be a part of this dynamic anymore. Yeah, I agree with that. Like,

got to look out for yourself. Like, okay, I'm interviewing for this job, but why did, like, what happened to the person who was here before me? Yeah. Were they fired? Did they quit? Were they promoted? That's a good way to look at it. Yeah, it is a good way to look at it. I think another one is, you know, what are your limits? What things are you not willing to do within the BDSM community um and I think you were talking about that quiz earlier and that tends to touch on you know would you even try this like you can check maybe is that the same quiz yeah yeah okay that's what I thought you can even check maybe for things you're not sure about but might be willing to explore and then when you're learning those things if you've learned somebody's more

experience in one of those areas then you may be more inclined to try that with them yeah um and And then another one I wrote down was, oh, I did. I just wrote down, there are all these Google Sheets, like Google documents that will have, like, similar to this quiz, just everything from A to Z in the BDSM community, and you can both sit there and do it and then kind of, like, trade answers like a Cosmo quiz. That would be so fun.

And so I think if you really are seriously considering entering a dynamic that you take one of those quizzes and you both do it honestly even if you don't end up having the same interest like wouldn't you rather figure that out outside of the bedroom yeah so definitely I did ask my dom um I sent him a screenshot of the questions and I was like hey um if you have any thoughts like what would what would you share and what he said is a real dom will never pressure you force you or try to convince you to do something don't trust someone who who only doms first time subs so yeah that is another good way to find a fake dom is if he only hooks up with first time subs yeah that's a way to get traumatized real quick

one of the guys so the fake dom that we call fake dom on the podcast yeah was capital f capital d yep has his name he was he was the worst like he clearly had zero zero experience not even like peripheral experience he didn't know what aftercare was no he just kind of took what looked like a dom on tv and commercialized yeah exactly he was like i've seen edward collin and yes oh my god i wasn't able i wasn't able to recognize that i texted liz from the bathroom of his house i was like hey he's a damn and like she was like okay but like like how because I think you knew up front that like this was kind of shady and I there was there was something about him that was shady on all cylinders and I was like stand-up I think gave it away for me this was the same guy that

made me listen to his stand-up for like oh my god yes but he knew nothing about anything but he there are so many that i got lucky that that was like an obvious way to spot them yeah but there are other like on all other accounts i feel like he seemed like a normal guy like you know a kind of person you would be interested in he was a good actor for sure yeah looking back on it i'm like i mean 2020 is in hindsight hindsight's in 2020 but i he there was everything that i look back on now i'm like oh it's so fucking obvious like he didn't really know what he was doing he made it very obvious he didn't care about your pleasure at all when you were like hey i didn't come yeah and he was like bummer what yeah dude he so he came and i was like oh i didn't come and he was

like oh sorry you shouldn't even down there sir i know i know and he and he was like so do you i'm gonna help you with that i'm like yeah and then we had sex like i'm having sex for me also right i'm also trying to enjoy it's hot you're having a good time but i also want to have a good time i didn't come here to pleasure you he fucking sucked you know what's really funny is since i started we should send him a uh flashlight in the mail sorry that's great but can we fill it with glitter or something really shitty yes or literal shit like please go fuck yourself since i've been doing this tiktok stuff a lot of women that live in seattle so i unfollowed him on instagram recently but i was when i was still following him i was getting a lot of messages from girls

that were like i think we're eskimo sisters yeah yeah he is he here he's local he like told a girl like he asked a girl are you autistic and like um um like demeaning way yeah well i don't think there's a really a nice way to ask that question it was honestly he's he's so fucking clueless um but good looking and i was blinded right that's why no no he's average looking in my opinion i was desperate he was hot he's hot unfortunately his personality ruins it entirely but uh he also told me i was too political because i asked him if he voted there was just so much you're too political okay yeah you're right i should just stop caring about anyone he sucked but yeah you're a white man keep policing my body thanks it was very clear that nobody had ever pressed him on

the dom stuff like yeah because when i started asking him questions he was like like okay well what kind of aftercare do you provide what's aftercare yeah okay you're not a dom at all Yeah, and I think that goes back to that question, right? Like, if you're vetting somebody and you're asking them about your interests and they're not able to articulate an answer back, like, red flag everywhere. Yeah, right. But, like I said, you know, do as we say, not as we do or did. Yeah.

Yes. Trust your gut. That is the other thing I was going to say, is you know if you are in a sticky situation, you've got to trust your gut. and i do think that um i'm looking at the box right now so uh we're not really strangers i feel like if like if you're vetting someone like go on a date yeah it doesn't have to be like just because you're going on a date doesn't mean it needs to be like romantic if you're purely looking for a dom sub dynamic and nothing else well and i think that is important right like you're talking

about a job interview like you should have lunch at the very least like maybe you don't have an alcohol but like you don't want to have dinner and talk it out you don't want to work somewhere with a toxic work environment everyone's leaving all the time like what uh what's your company culture like yeah well if you work really hard okay so you're telling me that it's toxic here and I think that's the other red flag too while we're on the subject is do not imbibe too much when you are when you are going to engage in a scene you do not want to be too intoxicated in any way it is so dangerous because I mean I did a scene when I was high once and um I really enjoyed being strangled and it's just like the delay of like my reaction time um I could tell

it was delayed and we talked about it afterwards and I was like yeah going forward that was you know I won't get to that level and so if you are going on a date just make sure that you're you know having a drink or two and staying hydrated yeah so someone shared a way to like maybe weed out fake doms because I had complained about that um and they said pay close attention to what they say and how they actually act first if they want you to address them as sir or daddy right away they have not earned that right and know nothing about you second making requests for you to use toys audio clips nsfw pics etc they should have a report first or a rapport i don't know how to say that report it has a t at the end to be fair

um third jumping straight to kink conversation fourth asking for personal details like instagram snapchat facebook etc tell them that you won't compromise on trust communication respect balance and boundaries and then they recommended a book called different loving the world of sexual dominance and submission and then um another book called screw the roses wow fake doms your reign is ending not that they even had one but it's so fucked but their self-perceived reign is coming to an end and it sucks because i'm sure a lot of the people that are listening are are interested in exploring this side of themselves and fake doms prey on that kind of person so it's good that we talk about it to know what to look out for because it's it's really it's

fucked and it's for my fake dom i don't think that it was for nefarious reasons and a lot of the time maybe it's not but a good amount of the time it probably is for nefarious intentionally nefarious no but it ends up being self-serving yeah right like that's really what it boils down to and a good dom is going to cater to you yeah exactly a fake dom like fake dom capital f capital d um uh i think that he's gonna always skirt around it like if someone was like straight up like no you're a fake dominant he would always have an excuse yeah and i think that's also how he would probably be in a relationship yeah yeah and it kind of seemed like he really just did not have a level of knowledge that he thought that he did like he said it was so much conviction and

then when i questioned him about aftercare and it wasn't even like i was testing it it sounds like he's just sounds like a basic white guy he fucking sucks i was just thinking the same i'm just like i'm overly confident i was born and i have the audacity he had a lot of audacity really confident but also didn't do any research yeah and it was so clear wow your confidence must have been rewarded a lot i feel like he likes to be in control and so he thought he was a dom and like that's not there's a lot of crossover but there's a big difference yeah i can't wait for some dominant lady to march into his life and show him what's what yeah and then he'll be like wait a minute i was wrong this whole time i can't that's my

prayer for him that man you know that's the other thing with fake doms right like they're never gonna push your boundaries yeah and if somebody uses their level of experience to try to talk you into something like rad flag it should always be an ongoing conversation and it should never be no one should act without your consent 100% even if it's something simple like I am uncomfortable being blindfolded no one should blindfold you then you know like yeah you're not in pain from that but that is pushing your boundary okay so the conversation about consent and boundaries brings us to a question that we got about the importance of safe words yeah I have always like and I'm putting joke in air quotes because I've never really had the need to have a safe word but

my safe word has always been Alabama I thought it was Arizona it was Alabama and it's and it scares people that it's Alabama because they're like that is the least safe state okay well I definitely put in an episode that your safe word was Arizona you know but I haven't ever practiced it so it might have switched you know it could have been Arizona but it's I think that safe words there's like a mainstream understanding of a safe word but it's so important in BDSM so I think it's worth talking about yeah I mean I think you will be surprised I thought that my safe word being my favorite tv show like it would just slip off the tongue and it just I've had to use a safe word kind of sort of twice and it's never been the actual safe word that we discussed and so I

thought that this was a great question that you guys got because in considering safe words just stick with the easiest ones right so green is go yellow is pause and readjust red is stop I have never articulated the word red first thing it has always been stop and stop is what happened like and that is what is so important is if I say stop it means stop it's also the tone right I have a consensual non-consent kink so it's like oh no stop don't like yeah there's a difference between that and stop I'm freaking out will you explain a consensual non-consent kink yeah you guys had previously talked about it on the um sexual assault awareness month episodes but um it's kind of the concept of it there's a couple of categories either being kidnapped or being raped

and the important word is still consent at the top of it you're agreeing to it right and I a lot of what we've talked about this episode and things that have appealed to me as a submissive is the loss of control and so that is what turned me on with that and honestly it's porn's fault um that's where I first saw any of that and then just kind of discovered that that was something that i was interested in and i first saw i articulated on reddit and i had never discussed it with a partner until my current partner um and because i had finally said it out loud i actually talked to my therapist about it and i was like you know this is something that i'm curious about is this normal and she was like yes absolutely so hold on the oldest car ever is going up

fucking looks like a hearse it really does I was like is that a scooter um but that's why you know red being the difference from stop but anytime I've said stop there has been a complete stop um and one thing that I wasn't familiar with is that some people are really into like you know being ball gagged or you know duct tape or something like that and you're in a position where you can't speak and i learned that some people will use like clickers like the clicker trainer thing to as their stop or red that and that that seems so obvious because ball gags are you know it's on the consent is my kink shirt it's like such an obvious staple of bdsm that makes a lot of sense of having like some kind of signal or an agreement an arrangement in advanced

um I will say I don't have a I don't have a uh safe word but that's an interesting take though because so you haven't felt like you've needed one no there's been we've he like uh when we first started hooking up he was like you we need to talk about safe words and then I was like I'm new here but obviously the more like we went on dates and stuff it was like oh this isn't just sex like we actually really like each other and then from there like him knowing that this is so new to me it was kind of more we could figure it out from there but there's been times where like even if I've just been like really uncomfortable because I've been like too stiff yeah or in a position to stretch yeah absolutely um I'm like hey my shoulder hurts then he's like oh we can

figure it out like but it should be that simple and that is the other thing like a fake down won't stop when you're like okay but my like I just need to stretch for a second or I need a drink of water like I've never had an issue with just saying the word stop everything comes to a halt and that's why I think the color system works so well because when I have felt like I've needed to say stop I feel like I'm starting to see red almost so it's just like okay it just slips off the tongue yeah yeah okay that's interesting yeah and it's interesting that you bring it up in like a cnc kind of dynamic too because in the porn that i've watched that's bdsm related like they're actively saying stop and they don't but at the top of the video they'll have like an interview

with them where they're like stop doesn't mean stop this is your safe word and so i wouldn't even know much of the same porn probably okay me with my porn on mute i don't even know that's what they're interviewing yeah let's watch this porn on mute isn't that interesting i don't know there's something about it i don't want to hear it um well i've also heard that the psychology behind it is mostly watching the women's faces it's like really what gets you off yeah interesting so i could see that actually that you know what i think you're right about that yeah i don't need to hear what's going on but i'm with amelia i love a good moan from a man so i'll listen to asmr all day and that's not to say like i don't enjoy like hearing it in real life it's just when i'm

watching porn I don't need to like be I'm on the outside I don't want to pretend I'm there I don't need to hear anything I want my imagination to take control but you were talking about when you first started watching porn it would be muted so it's like that's how you got used to watching porn and in general yeah I feel the older I've gotten the more I'm like sometimes like sound overwhelms me too much like there's a fine line between like sound overwhelming me and distracting me and like me being in the zone i'm similar if things get too shrill i can't i can't do it so like tv shows that are shrill can't watch but i did want to circle back to this cnc thing i'm really interested in what your therapist said i was concerned that you know mentally the lines

are crossing like is it kind of sick that i'm advocating for these people while i'm turned on by this concept and she was like the two are so unrelated like you're you're overthinking it essentially is what she said like that's not where it stemmed from and if it was then maybe we'd be having a different conversation yeah um but I did just see something on reddit god reddit should sponsor this frankly the amount of times we've talked about reddit um that was like an ask me anything I'm an actual therapist and um you know people were basically saying what like I think the question was like what are you afraid to tell your therapist that therapists don't actually give a shit about and almost everything was like therapists do not give a shit about anything

sexually related and in fact most people wait too long or like wait longer to reveal those things to their therapist because they're worried about their therapist's reaction but they were basically saying like we have heard it all so just lay it on us and in that sense I was kind of concerned about whether I was you know when I started telling my therapist about my BDSM experiences she was like well I don't have a lot of experience with this and then she seemed like stoked because it was like okay I get to try like a different area of my therapy knowledge yeah that's interesting so um I think that's all yeah it was nice to also like not feel like some sort of judgment because I think a lot of people probably have some kind of like fear of shame

because if you're raised under the oppressive umbrella of let's say the christianity yeah any religion specifically the catholic church if you're me then it's like yeah no one wants to talk about sex no one wants to talk about I remember the first time I told my mom I had sex like it's because i got caught and she was like she made me feel bad about it and then she was like but also like your partner she was like he doesn't know how to make you feel good and then i was like i don't want to talk to you about this my mom was like girl get yours and you just weren't ready she was like this she's like let me tell you this fucking stupid ass 18 year old kid doesn't know what he's doing i wish she had said that to me she'd be like

I don't know I am really thankful that I lost my virginity to a long-term boyfriend considering all circumstances of like I couldn't safely talk about sex in my house with my parents it would have been nice I like went to Planned Parenthood by myself no well I was kind of by myself I went with my best friend which is by yourself yeah it was her idea yeah i did also send these questions with all the usernames redacted to my partner and i asked uh he responded immediately to the question about safe words and was like well the importance of safe words is that you can actually you can push the boundary of the person that you're with because you know that they can opt out at any time and that is one

of my favorite parts of BDSM is yeah you know that's how you get into subspace exactly is you're like like um talking to uh my dom like if I do make it into subspace it's been because he's consciously worked me up to that point like he's pushing the boundaries like he starts out like softer with like any sort of hitting or whatever and then it builds because you kind of like your brain shuts off and you become kind of like numb to it you're like a kind of a fucked all yeah it one like it like the pain is enjoyable yeah so at first it actually hurts but then like the deeper you get into it's like being hypnotized almost it is um the deeper you get into it like the less you feel pain at all so you like a safe word is helpful when you are in subspace to like you some

part of your brain knows like the next step is not going to be safe for me yeah like something about this isn't okay so like it's just that's why it's easy to have a simple word like a color yeah red bean stop yeah so if you can't articulate stop or whatever the case may be yeah if you say red it's like oh okay we're done and i just think that is probably the funniest part is i was like oh i'll never forget like my favorite tv show i'll definitely be able to spit that out and i was not and it was just red stop and so that's why i'm like alabama alabama yeah arizona alabama whichever state i'm like i'm really curious to see how this plays out especially i mean if you've had it saved in your brain i'm hoping that i don't even know where it came from

amelia's would be donald trump trump and bernie is go more hell yeah pay for my college baby amelia what kind of sub do you think you would be i actually i don't know so the guy that i'm talking to guest rope bunny well that's clear since you have been talking about being tied up this entire from the jump okay yeah this is this is a little borders on a little fucked up but no such thing did you you've seen aladdin yes you've told this story yes that is where i think i first i was a child first of all can you just talk about the fact that jasmine is hot as fuck she's so hot like way too hot for a cartoon yeah i mean there's a lot of very hot disney

characters prince eric no business in being that hot no business i think all the princes look kind of the same yeah that's just because they're white men oh my god but um i just watched mulan last weekend for the first time in years so what was his name um oh my god lee lee shang he is super hot hottest hottest love interest in any disney movie so bad point blank period so many muscles so many muscles he was prepared to defeat the hunt he's he's a dom for sure and that song the whole let's get down to business so catchy okay rope bunny okay rope bunny wow that yeah thank you so we need we need you around all the time because it's like back on track can i just come you round out the holy trinity that's great fuck yes so rope bunny i honestly see i don't

think that i would be good at being a brat brat showed up a high percentage on my bdsm test but I need to retake it because it's been like a year. Well, it's been since capital F, capital G, fake Dom. And so I feel like that experience has, I mean, any BDSM experience, I feel like teaches you about what you want for the next time. For sure. And so, yeah. Yeah.

It's probably worth retaking. You weren't taking it with any specific experience in mind. Like you're just taking it as yourself. Like you weren't taking it as like, what kind of sub would I be? That's so true. It's like, am I even a sub? i definitely need to take it again but i was pretty high on high on mine too but road bunny was the highest we put a link to this quiz on this episode oh for sure because i feel like

a lot of people are about to learn what type of dom and sub they are and also if you're not interested in bdsm you should just do it anyways yeah it's a fun little spice up your vanilla sex life a little bit i had no idea that there were so many categories i was like i when you told me about it i was like i'm gonna find it off in the suburb of dom and like it was like 20 different categories for each i was like oh it's an extension well and also i used to think vanilla sex meant boring like bad sex yeah like starfish it through the rest of the night kind of sex but what it actually means is just like not kinky sex like it's not it's not bdsm related scene yeah it's not a it's not a scene i i yeah i kind of struggle with the idea of like vanilla sex or outside of a

scene because i'm like i still like want you to choke me and spank me and pull my hair a little bit like even those aspects are always there even outside of me being a sub or dom explicitly yeah that's important to distinguish it doesn't need to be one or the other right and it also doesn't need to be like let's do this for several hours and commit to like this scene yeah it's just you know aspects yeah i feel like it leaks out and it just makes everything a little bit spicy totally and the longer you're together and the more you know each other it's like uh scenes change you know yeah that's the bdsm cosmo quiz oh i feel like it is it really is like both partners take it don't show each other your answers and then you're like okay share yes

i should retake it yeah i'm curious to see if it's changed for you yeah now that i've had a slightly more experienced well i'm gonna do that tonight i'm curious to know i almost had an orgasm the first time i had my tattoo and i should have known right then i was interested in being i feel like we could talk for forever honestly yeah there's so many layers there's so much to this do you have any like any closing thought before we play fuck mary kill which is my favorite part um yes i think the main theme of this episode has been communication is key right like that's how you're going to figure out if somebody is willing to abide by your boundaries. And also you're going to learn about what they're interested in.

They're going to learn what you're interested in. And that's what makes sex good anyways, right? Like when you are both trying to get each other off, that makes a great play time. I would say that anyone that's thinking about dipping into this, it can seem daunting just because it has a name to it, right? and i think we've talked a little bit about how this can bleed into quote-unquote vanilla sex and if you're interested in some aspect of this ask him to pull your hair girl like it is okay yes and and amelia on a prior episode you had talked about um you're like call me a dirty name

like let's do it and they're apologizing afterwards like you i think we've all watched porn and porn has ended and we've been like what do we just watch yeah post not clarity but like yeah exactly it's like when you are really hungry and you order a pizza and then after you eat the pizza you're like what have i done exactly but i hope that uh anyone who's listening to this took away that like there's something for everyone and just because you're interested in something does not make you sick yeah honestly experiencing it can be so much different than watching it because i wasn't watching bdsm porn and then when i experienced it i was like this is great this is exactly what i was looking for and i didn't recognize that but this guy did yeah

and also take the quiz yeah and take the quiz yes the cosmo quiz as i'm calling it which cosmo is like please stop desist from cosmo yeah can you please stop talking about us on your podcast maybe they would actually be stoked and then for my final closing remarks please go to reddit if you are just trying to see what's out there um you will find so much just start with you know bdsm community start there see what people are talking about see what interests you and don't be afraid to ask questions that's great advice advice yeah so we're taking a different approach to fuck marry kill today normally we do celebs we're gonna do fuck mary kill with common male names oh god so our first one is fuck mary kill matt alex ryan oh god

my brother's name is matt so i gotta opt out of this one i can't well i can't kill him either i dated a ryan okay i fucked a ryan obviously but yeah we've all fucked a ryan we've who hasn't fucked a ryan there's too many ryan's still fuck a ryan and like i've said ryan i have not fucked a ryan ryan kyle and tyler are all the same they're all the same man have you fucked a tyler a kyler a kyler a tyler kyle or a tyler um not that come to mind but like all the white men in my brain are melding together as one unit currently yeah um having fucked a ryan and been disappointed i'm gonna kill ryan okay there and i'm gonna marry a matt okay i don't think i've ever hooked up with a matt was he a good guy well you matched with him on hinge i did yeah

did i send you his name yeah because i'm in his profile oh my god wait why don't i remember this i don't i guess we never i was like are you compatible i don't oh that's right yeah you're like he's a good guy i don't think that he's your type yeah yeah i remember this so hopefully he's not listening because i'm definitely gonna fuck matt okay not him specifically right just the name matt to be good in bed okay okay maybe because i can walk all over them get it pun i'm going to marry alex it's just a good strong name and you can moan it in bed and i'm gonna kill ryan alex is a good name to moan frankly if you can't moan it you shouldn't name your son it no i've lived in chester forever live by that motto if you can't moan it you shouldn't name

your son that that's hilarious you are doing him a disservice that's an episode title for sure if you can't if you can't moan it don't name it okay all right are they names you know what's really interesting is i feel like everybody has associations with oh this is a good one i got a good one i'm scared fuck mary kill colin justin spencer they're all dying i'm killing them all you have to fuck but you're gonna do it like wanted style put them all in the line one bullet just do a circle and we all die i'll go with them it's not worth it um i'm absolutely murdering the fuck out of a spencer i've never met a spencer i like um i just can't imagine looking a baby

in the face and being like you're spencer spencer spencer the baby yeah this is my baby spencer the shortened to spence what is that that's worse yeah i know that's what i'm saying if you're listening in your name is spencer how does it feel yeah how does it feel i have questions wait if your name is spencer and you're listening are you okay and do you wear glasses because i feel like you do mine was a crush i had in high school in band oh and i don't even remember what instrument he played probably the trombone it feels like a trombone name spencer oh trumpet what were you playing the flute i could have guessed this one time maybe and that's how i knew i was into bdsm i played the clarinet fun fact i feel like that's what he played oh yikes that would make sense if

he was close by you yeah right right behind me what if he played the bassoon i feel like a bassoon is more of like a like a chad yeah it sounds like you had to like no a bassoon is for like the weirdest person you know it's like it's the saxophone of clarinet yeah exactly it's just like very well because because it's like the same as a clarinet but then like the flute is the same as a saxophone did you know that they have the same keys yeah that's what i was just thinking it's like i feel like he played the clarinet which would require him to be good with his fingers always flirting with the trap the trumpets always flirting with the saxophones wait what did you play in in band the flute you did yeah i wanted to play the harp because this

girl was rocking the harp at the sixth grade concert and i was like i want to do that not an orchestra orchestra and i was like i want to play the harp and my parents were like absolutely not we're not putting that in the house yeah they're like we cannot afford a harp my angel of a dad bought my clarinet for me once like after band stopped because i was like i want to play the clarinet i didn't touch it once afterward that was not in my wheelhouse i was jealous i didn't have a reed i wanted to read it's the what bugged me the most out there it was like a texture thing for me like get it all wet before you put it in yes your car was due to be good with your tongue and your fingers and then like you know anybody like a lot of work

yeah there's a million keys on the clarinet there's a reason that they gave squidward the clarinet like it is a very angry person well he also instrument is all those tentacles hands technically yeah that's true i was never good at the clarinet and just for the record i know an octopus has eight legs i'm just saying he had to stand on two of them yeah but he was a squid but i feel like squids have eight too yeah i don't know i don't know i'm like looking at you like liz squid eight i don't know why you would know can i just say that i feel like um in this scenario justin fucks do you think i think so j names j names fuck unfortunately i think i'd have to fuck a justin i think i'd have to kill a justin i feel like i'm like a j name hater

i feel like i'm marrying a spencer because his name sucks so bad he has to be sensitive enough no you're right you're right you're right you're right spencer mary for sure i'm gonna kill a justin and fuck a colin i'm marrying a colin oh i'm definitely killing the colin wow we're across the board on all of these like that so please don't be in our inbox all upset okay there's fair there's representation across the board here also don't take it personal these people don't have faces in my head no they do in my head to me they just have an energy yeah they do they have an aura yeah like i feel like a colin is like a like a red like like a maroon to me colin is like a green oh interesting yeah colin's green for me justin's like a blue spencer is like

a color i don't want to be around i can't think of what it was calling is fat spencer is tall and justin is buff interesting those are the only images i have in my head love that love that you know we're all categorized those are colors in this household yeah my favorite color is fat uh in middle school people did call me a chubby chaser because every guy i liked was chubby that's because they had good senses of humor didn't they girl i know all about that that's a really good point that's a really good point do you have a

prayer to take us out oh interesting your opening prayer was so killer yeah it was I know that's why I'm like I don't think I can follow it up my closing prayer is to please bow your heads

to all of the noobs out there considering dabbling in bdsm and escaping their vanilla sex life i pray that they are able to find their dom inside themselves or the submissives inside themselves and they amen come and get someone inside get yours yeah by getting somebody inside of you so this turned into like uh like a group prayer yeah precisely amen amen amen that was beautiful that was beautiful oh my god thank you so much for being here i'm so fucking hyped about this conversation this was kinky katie

everyone and hopefully uh we'll have her as a guest again she's like such a fun topic so hopefully you guys enjoy listening it to it as much as we enjoyed recording it yeah we love you oh wait holy hour podcast at gmail.com this is my job and I always forget at the holy hour on everything um tiktok now please follow us on tiktok we're so close to a thousand not really yeah it feels like it and then we can do like a a duet like live but because I only have like 70 followers on my tiktok because I don't do anything interesting you would have so i'm trying i'm trying i'm sorry tiktok instagram um twitter uh everything at the holy hour um we're thinking about getting a discord up and running let us know if you'd be interested in

that um we gotta learn about it but uh yeah so uh thank you for listening we love you love you i'm like did we sing with the guests Oh, yeah.