The Hoely Hour - E4 NP (Rated) R

Episode Date: July 1, 2020

The internet’s hottest podcast is The Hoely Hour. This episode has everything: glory sheets, cheating married men, trouser ejaculation, Jack Nicholson butt plugs, and NPR but it’s porn. Amelia and Liz share hook up horror stories that could be plot lines from a soap opera. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

um that's so annoying of me i'm a dad now Welcome to the Holy Hour. I'm Amelia Sampson. And I'm Liz Ball. Thanks for joining us. Welcome back to Mass. So, how do you feel about the phrase, sucked off? I feel like it's one of those phrases that guys think is really hot. Like, oh yeah, like she sucked me off. Do guys say that seriously? I've never heard a guy say it seriously. It just sounds very porny you know what would you say like so what would you do if like a guy was like hey will you suck me off like during foreplay like no no i've never heard someone say it seriously like yeah i got sucked off who fucking says that i think that if a guy like propositioned

that to me like will you suck me off i'd be like no and also i'm going home yeah i would don't all the way home i would just get my clothes straight to bed yeah i'm going to not even drive home i'm going to say nothing to you put my clothes on and then just walk out your door and all the way home like that is well because i was like i would be i would need to think it just doesn't really make sense as a phrase i'm like thinking about it i'm like i get sucked but like sucked off like i don't know it's like instead of jacked off you're like get off you get oh like jacked off I guess that makes sense sucked off I hate that I hate it so much I've never heard anybody I was wondering if it was like a coastal thing sucked off it's kind of like how how like

you know like how I feel about cock I hate that you don't like cock not really so what do you like like if you're like having sex with a guy and he's like oh yeah like you like this cock yeah well it always yes yeah so it reminds me of that scene in super bad where she's like super drunk and she's like you're such a smooth cock and he's like yeah i don't like any of the words that we use for genitalia in the bed though because it's like i don't like dick like you like this dick i don't i just don't like that it's like yeah because that's almost like cock is like too porny and then like dick is like boring or i don't know it feels like juvenile yeah yeah yeah do you like this big dick like there's something about cock that

feels like aggressive enough and i like i kind of like like i like being called a slut in bed so like i feel like cock kind of comes it's like in the family of slut you know it's like that's true like this cock like i don't like what i would like do you want this would you like this penis well i was gonna say there's like not a good word no but then like like we said before it's just like guys will always say like do you like my dick or like yeah like please compliment it do you like this dick i need to be uplifted right now i'll tell you if i like it do you like my dick yeah like if i want to compliment it like i'm having a tough day do you like my dick it's just such a it's such an interesting thing to like ask people questions in bed like i feel

like i i've hooked up with some guys that like having those conversations in bed where they're like oh like i was like do you like my my big dick in your tight pussy i hate pussy in bed too i hate it too i was just about to say that there's no because like what's the alternative for pussy what is it do you like this big penis in your tight vagina and then we put on the rubber medical gloves and a hairnet and we put a sheet in between us with just a hole it's a glory sheet yeah

it just gets real medical oh fuck oh my god that's so funny but no no i don't know what the alternative for pussy would be i've never thought about it like smash why do we need to describe the genitalia well i like also like when guys are like you feel so good rather than like i love that pussy like i don't need you to tell i know what i have i know what you have yeah we're on the same page about what we have you don't need to go into detail with it i i don't know i like basic stuff like um and i i don't want to be asked like do you like x about me or whatever i want to hear them say something about me yeah and i want to say something about them yes like oh you're so fucking hot yeah yeah everyone always says it's so fucking hot but it feels like

i don't know it's an ego boost yeah god it's like it gases me up i'll do better if you're giving me confidence I'm just like yeah yeah just being told like you're sexy or something or like yeah I don't know no I like little things like that or like I own you I'm having a really hard time like because you're so good with words like you're just like it's natural for you so like with things like sexting and talking like dirty in bed I'm always just kind of like I don't know do I sound like sexting is a little easier but I get to think it out yeah yeah but even then I like have such a hard time you do have to tap into something though you have to be like okay i need to like not overanalyze this and like just be in it but i also i mean like i said before i'm pretty

quiet in bed so it's like it depends on like when it's heating up like i'll just kind of like say and some sex just doesn't warrant talking dirty like making love is so different from like fucking like i never say anything when i'm like making love yeah you're just like making eye yeah yeah it's like more like intense and I don't know I've had some guys like find out this is a little different but I've had some guys find out that I like like being like slapped when like in the face I've totally thought about that no one's ever tried it though it's I'm like thinking about it really yeah yeah slap in the face there's something about me like I hate feelings less than in the world but like sometimes it's like fun to like role play like

you're like being the dominant person i actually totally know what you mean yeah it's a weird it's a weird thing but um some guys will find out that i like that well they won't find out i will have told them and and then they'll try to do it every time we have sex so like yeah i hate that sex needs to be different every time yes like some days it's gonna be passionate and some days it's gonna be fucking raunchy and like sloppy and yes don't sweaty right and that's the kind of sex that you slap someone in the face during but like yeah when we're like having like slow passionate sex and then you just like just like really like into it intense eye contact like gently like kissing your neck

Yeah, just, like, a slap in the face. Like, are you mad at me? Is this abuse now? Is something wrong? Oh, my God. Like, oh, God. Oh, my God, it's so funny. That's so true.

Well, and this totally, like, reminds me of, like, I don't know, one guy I dated is just, like, the sex was always the same. Like, it was good, but it was always the same. And I don't know. I can't have the same sex all the time. No, no. you need to know when to differentiate between fucking and sex and making love yes yeah there are clear-cut guidelines for each yeah there's so many different kinds of sex like it can be kinky or romantic or passionate or yeah yeah have you ever had the experience with a guy where

you aren't inspired to have different sex with them yeah what is that do i not want to have sex with this person anymore if i just want to keep it the same bored yeah i'm just kind of like well so the guy i'm talking about where it was like good but it was the same all the time yeah i i was like i tried to change it up like i would tell him when like before or um i don't know we had open conversations about sex i wouldn't tell him during because he was pretty like he would take a lot of charge um but i would tell him like i want to try this and then he'd be like fuck yeah let's do it and then it would never happen he did a lot of like listening and not acting so i know the type yeah and then i was like you know what i don't want to have to like babysit a

boyfriend and teach him how to be a boyfriend or like be the kind of boyfriend you're feeding it to him at that point he's not yeah i'm like what else do i need to yeah i i was very explicit about what i wanted i'm handing this to you yeah i understand that every time that i've been able to talk to somebody about what i like fucking gentle with me i'm like oh oh my god this guy some guys are really good at crabby like the right part of your neck yeah and it's not just like because it's like choking is sexy anyway but sometimes like with the guy whose name i'm trying to decide what i want to call him some guys are not good at choking no like they push on you like yeah or like you don't like do a full grab don't do a push do like a do like a little yeah yeah

push in on the sides you know what i mean i love the guys with the really amelia and i are choking ourselves right now it's getting erotic in my studio apartment I love when they have like huge hands it makes my neck feel really yeah I think that's kind of what it is it's like wanting to feel like little yeah yes yes throw me around but also I'm the boss but also you're the boss it's like I want them to be the boss who is pretending to let me be the boss yeah yeah it's like a delicate balance to strike but but i was thinking about like that my ideal sex would be just like both of us fighting for who's in control that's what i want yeah that's a good way to describe it i want it to be like kylo ren and like ray like yes but they are fucking yeah it's good

to aspire to that i want no like that push and pull of like the you guys are both trying to be dominant would like i think that that would make for some really good stuff i know and i i feel like I recently found that in I'm gonna call him music man so yeah that's like kind of how it's been with music man like he is very like we have discussed what each other likes in bed but like before that he's the first person in a very long time whose clothes I just want to like rip off you know what I mean like it's the best I haven't had that because like when I start to see somebody for a long time no matter how much I like them it just kind of starts to be like should we do you want to go have sex like I don't want to have to like be like should we go to the

bed like I want it to just happen I just want to be like we can't control ourselves anymore and like we just have to get naked immediately that's the best well and you're like you're not in a place where like you want like a relationship no not at all yeah not at all and anytime it gets close to the prospect of that I kind of start to panic because yeah that's exactly how I feel too I'm like whoa whoa whoa you like me a little too much yes slow your roll and I can't reciprocate so it's tough because I love companionship yeah I know what you mean so it's really you want to be hanging out with like your best friend yeah exactly and I had that for eight years so it's like now I'm foraying into this this area that I really really want to just have like no feelings

attached to anything that I'm doing but I still have that like little pull back to what I'm used to and just yeah it's like I want to be your person yeah I want to be your friend but I also want to fuck you all the time all the time yeah it's like want the desire to fuck you all the time yes and it's been nice with music man because like neither of us want a relationship we're both in that same space music man music man I can think of like the um the musical yeah that's what I immediately parade guy um he's not like that but it's the first person that I've dated that isn't trying to lock me down um because every other person that I've dated even if they're like oh yeah I'm not looking for anything serious either like we go into it under that assumption

and then eventually like they will be like wanting more of my time and like starting to get like a little jealous of hanging out with other people I'm like this is what we talked about this is what we agreed to so finally I have this person that's like we are just we're there for the same thing and then like I leave like after we had sex the first time he was like so how do you feel about like sleepovers I was like no I don't do them he's like oh thank god I was like trying to figure out how to get you out of my apartment and I'm like oh amazing and it wasn't like I wasn't like offended about it because like we knew going into it that it's like just sex you know the only way I would stay is if I was like too drunk and it was like night especially now that there's a possible

serial killer in Seattle what the fuck is that I don't know like I'm not going anywhere at night by myself no not even an uber no and now they're saying like not to call somebody when you're walking because that makes you look more vulnerable so i'm like that's always my move i always call someone when i'm walking in my car because i'm just like hey if anything happens i want somebody to know that something happened to me so i'm always calling someone but my therapist told me too she's like that's probably not a good idea because you look like more of a target but what if you like call someone and you just like leave them on speaker that's a good idea just yeah well i have this app now called noon light did you see that i posted oh yeah yeah that's

made me feel a lot safer is there a serious setting a serious setting for noon light no hey siri i'm being kidnapped oh there should be yeah or like because they have one for i'm being pulled over oh have you seen that no oh it's a super helpful tiktok so you have to um turn on the setting on your phone you have to just like allow it yeah and then when you tell when you tell it you're being pulled over it um dims the screen all the way to black and immediately starts recording oh shit yeah it starts recording and then i think it does something else no way good for apple so i was thinking about this earlier today and um the story of twitter bay um i just i don't know i really loved what my therapist said so i contacted twitter bay and i was just

like you hurt my feelings and i figured i should just tell you if i'm gonna publicly broadcast it on a podcast i'm just gonna tell you like you not saying anything really hurt my feelings um and not saying anything is always going to be the most painful thing you can do and oh my god of course like right now he's like running around um but he responded the next day and was like i'm really sorry like i started seeing someone and it was just like weird timing and i didn't know how to tell you and i was like that's fair um and i told my therapist because he texted me like 20 minutes before I had my therapy appointment perfect yeah and I like told her what he responded with and I was like she was like how do you feel and I was like honestly I

feel super relieved that I have an answer now but I also told her how one of my friends um I I like to have a guy's opinion sometimes too and I was like well what do you think I should do like I want to say something and be like this hurt my feelings like do you think that that's worth sending and he was like no this guy is not worth your time you've already projected that he's a better person than he actually is like he's not worth anything else you need to delete him from your life and I was like that's fair like I was like damn I probably am projecting he's better than he is um and I mentioned that to my therapist and she's like yeah like it's easy for a friend to say like fuck this guy like you need to be done with him and just like don't even say anything

but she made a really great point which is if I just let it stay that way my and I don't um expect him to like you know be the bigger person and say something to me my expectations are very low I'm setting my expectations very low but if I confront him and I say this hurt my feelings I am raising my expectations and I'm like not allowing myself to be treated that way and I'm giving them the opportunity to meet my expectations so even if they don't meet them I'm still saying like you know this is not a the kind of behavior I'm going to tolerate and i think that's also like an important message just to have to yourself so and i'm not i'm not rudely confrontational i i've really figured out like i nothing's perfect but i've figured out a

much better way to handle conflict when my feelings are hurt which is just to say like hey the thing you did hurt my feelings and i just wanted you to know like and not get angry at them yeah because chances are like they're doing something to protect themselves to protect themselves from feeling a certain way and once you go in having that empathy of knowing how uncomfortable it is to tell someone something that you know is going to hurt their feelings it's a lot easier to be like hey this hurt my feelings I just wanted you to know like please don't do it again or whatever so in this case I was like this hurt my feelings but you know no hard feelings between us like i still think you're really cool and hot great experience

and then i like i wanted to end it on a positive and then when he replied he's like he apologized he told me what might be the truth i don't know i i'm gonna hope it's the truth and then was like i think you're awesome i'm really sorry that i hurt you and then i was like thanks for telling me the truth now like you know I appreciate that you're being honest with me now and then I was like I hope that we can still be friends I hope our relationship doesn't only have to be sexual and like because I still think he's like interesting and funny so yeah yeah it's good to end on a high note I've realized that too it's like whenever anybody is upset at me for anything that I've done whenever they come toward me with that kind of compassion of just like here's how I

feel like I'm sure that you are also going through something you know like like acknowledging that like my feelings are also like valuable in this like I'm much more likely to respond kindly than if they're like fuck you like you fucking like cut me out and like you know like there's so whatever the reason whatever the reason is like you didn't think about how I was feeling and you're like yeah I mean I don't know you're like that it's not normal for you to always think about how another person's gonna feel like in this circumstance um i think that twitter bae probably has his own reasons but everybody has everybody like who chooses to ghost at the end of the day it's probably because of shame like when you do need to confront someone and be like hey this

can't continue um you know it's gonna hurt their feelings yeah and when it hurts their feelings like most of the time the way people react when their feelings are hurt is to be defensive oh yeah or angry so i mean i could have flipped a switch and been like if you were talking to someone why the fuck were you leading me on why would you like do this to me but uh i don't know i'm not like that like i don't know his life and you're also like allowed to be upset and angry about it but like that's why it's so important to step away for a sec before you answer well underneath anger is usually just your feelings are hurt yeah you know totally so once you like can peel away the anger and be like why am i really hurt and it's like because i feel rejected and that's a

normal feeling so once you just like listen to that feeling and be like i feel rejected but i know at the end of the day like i don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me or whatever it is like i know that like my shit's popping and in the in my circumstance i'm like well I knew this was gonna end yeah he doesn't live here yeah what like what was gonna happen yes and we're in two different totally stages of like two totally different stages of life like yeah yeah it was inevitable like and also I'm dating people here so I wasn't completely shocked I was like yeah that makes sense I mean I think that like the unknown can be either something that what I've been saying to you I'll repeat now it's like it's so easy to like build castles in the

guy when you have so little information because you start to like romanticize what it is oh absolutely like real context because you aren't with him every day you don't know if he like shows up late everywhere he goes or like his room is a mess like shit that we color and i do know his broom is a mess yeah he has like six toothbrushes it's just i don't know why do you need so many toothbrushes in your bathroom i like started to like assign jobs for each of them when you showed me like the zoomed in of all the toothbrushes i'm like i think he probably uses this one to clean his toilet and this one to clean his mouth yeah I don't know I'm realizing as I get older like how how petty I can be like because sometimes I'll like a guy and it'll take a lot

to turn me off from him but then sometimes I'll meet a guy and I'll like him and then like like I went on a few dates with one guy that would bring a briefcase every time we went out and the first time I was like the first time I was like the first time he brought it we weren't like at the point because it was our first date so i wasn't like what's the briefcase for him like maybe he's like going to like a meeting i don't know but then the second time he has a briefcase the second time we went out he brought the briefcase and at that point i was like i asked him like did you come from somewhere he's like oh no i came from home and then later on in the date i was like so what are you like what are you doing after you leave here he's like oh i'm probably

just going home i'm like what's in the briefcase because you the only thing you're doing today is going out with me and you have not opened the briefcase what's in the briefcase i'm like is there i don't know i i still wonder i really want to know what if it was just empty it's just like i he just brings it to look like wait you don't know what was in the briefcase i'm not sure what's in there oh my god i want to know what i don't both times we went out yeah it's very strange i'm upset i feel like that might be like uh one of those things you learn from like an old school like dating like tip video like always bring your work things let her know you you have a job he didn't have a job too maybe that's why he wanted to maybe he's like maybe I can it's the illusion

that I have a job like you already told me he's dressing for the job he wanted something or something yeah he was in school but I mean like you don't I don't know it's strange I still think about that but anyway that was one of the deal breakers I was like I don't want that how would petty so like you know men don't carry around purses or whatever so like but they have pockets right they make men's jeans have pockets deep enough for your wallet and your phone so you don't need a brief what are you bringing around half the time like women's jeans don't have pockets i know or they're they are a lot smaller they are i was in um i know i was in that uh that ad for the women's jeans that finally had pockets do you remember seeing that i think so

and they went nowhere because they make jeans look super weird when they have pockets it helps like these these pockets that's as deep as they go what am i gonna put in there you can't put anything in women's pockets anything but then men's pockets they go like you get cargo shorts with like 50 really deep pockets in it we've never had pants like that so i have no reason he has no reason i want my purse to be on my legs i want i want an invention where like your purse is on your ass yeah but it's like padded so it makes you look like you have like a fat ass which for me would be nice because i don't have a big ass at all so i want a butt purse where it's like padded on the outside and i can put my phone in

there that should be one of our first merch items yeah we're gonna make we're gonna make merch it's gonna be a butt purse we've actually been talking about what merch we would have if we had merch yeah so keep listening and then you'll get you'll get maybe we'll have merch that'll be incentive to keep getting people to listen butt pad like a branded butt plug with our faces on it you can get an amelia butt plug or liz but it's just me smiling like jack nicholson here's johnny you'll be the patron saint of butt plugs the patron saint of butt plugs even though i've never

had any butts oh i told my aunt about this today when we talked because i said that i needed to go my entire family does not know anything about this oh now yeah i'm pretty sure well my cousin was in the kitchen with her while i was telling her about it so now my cousin knows which means that his wife's also going to know it's spreading like wildfire i know my dad listened but i still have to just like kind of entertain the idea that i've like only held hands with a guy just blow lightly into his ear that's a blow job baby that's all we've done do you hear that dad will you blow me off i'm about to choke on my hair from laughing

choke on this hair bitch you like this hair i was thinking this the other day like if you're hooking up with a guy with long hair and he goes down on you and you put his hair back that probably feels pretty fucking powerful oh my god you're right you kind of you would have to yeah that would feel powerful yeah if a guy with long hair goes down i'm down for a long hair boy yeah but if a guy with long hair starts to go down on you and you have to put his hair back that's that's a that's a power move but also i have no idea what it feels like to have hair like brushing your inner thigh you know it'd be kind of nice yeah who knows fun little extra tickle but you know for us you know if your hair is in the way you're like yeah yeah get it out of

your mouth i hate when guys don't hold your hair up while you're like if i don't have a hair tie and i'm just like giving you head and you're not helping me out like i'm trying to use like one hand to like stroke gotta have one hand for the balls i need somebody to hold my hair for me and they just don't get it just just pull pull her hair back dudes are you listening or have hair ties in your bedside just have something i would be i would be alarmed if they had hair ties maybe i would kind of like it i've actually talked about because i don't want i don't want another girl's hair tie in my hair while i give you a blow job that makes me uncomfortable i was talking to the comedian about that because if i don't remember a hair tie then it's like that's

a struggle so i said that i was gonna start leaving hair ties at his house and then i thought about it and i said to him i'm like now i don't want other bitches using my hair ties yeah i'm not i'll just bring one every time that bitch can choke on her own hair yeah not my problem i'm thinking that we're gonna talk about weird sex stories i love this topic yeah i've been i've been looking for an opportunity to make these experiences not for nothing yeah like weird hookup stories so mine aren't really gonna be sex stories they're just gonna be weird okay stories okay when i was in college um the guy i'm gonna talk about i'm gonna call him real estate uh i think i was i was about to start my senior year in college and i had moved in like um

maybe a month or three weeks before classes started into like this like house there was this guy who lived like i knew him and i had always like thought he was super hot um and he was in a fraternity and i had met him at like a few of like the greek life things that we did and he lived in the one of the houses in our like complex um and where i lived is called the courtyard and if anyone who went to nau is listening to this the courtyard is infamous oh no yeah it's it's pretty gross anyways real estate had lived in one of the houses over the summer and um like when me and my friends signed our lease and moved in like he was still there with his like fraternity brothers and I don't really know how it happened but like eventually

we like kissed at some point and then we were kind of like talking and like had a thing he does not want me to tell this story uh you were talking i'm talking what a coincidence i also like to talk um so one of the nights we were making out and um like we're both like fully clothed i think like if anything he has his shirt off and maybe i have my shirt off and I know for sure he had his jeans on and we're like making out and I was like on top of him you know kind of like that like dry grind that that denim grind we called that canoodling in college canoodling yeah that denim canoodle it's just like damn I love this denim zipper rub my zipper against your zipper baby rub your zipper on my zipper

some friction and then um i was also like uh like kind of like lightly scratching like the inside of his arm that was like my thing and we're like making out and then um he starts like getting really into it and then I I don't know he like came did he like make a noise was it oh god yes I was like well it was like weird because I was like wait I'm like not giving you a blowjob I'm not giving you a hand job it's those arm tickles man what's happening and i was like well so i was like what the fuck's going on and then i like kind of kept like you know doing the the dry grind the denim grind no no you can stop i'm done yes that's exactly what happened it's like you were there shut up i was kidding he was like are you serious he was like

he was like uh making all this weird noise and then i was like um should i stop and then he was like well i mean i already came oh my god he did he grabbed a tissue too so like in his jeans yeah so he came in his pants and then he acted like it was just what was supposed to happen he's like oh no thank you so much he had the audacity to be a douchebag to me after that what i mean he was honestly is probably trying to save face he's like i'm the cool one in this situation i i am not sure just like that's his idea i think he's so arrogant that he was like oh fuck yeah i came it's kind of like your your sad dry hand job guy like he slut shamed you but still was like confident enough to like come after saying that like i think that's kind of the

situation here we should introduce them yeah they can just drop the contact cards to jerk each other off ghost ride the way i can't believe you're holding that story back from me wow what a story yeah jizzed in the pants ew okay so um i don't know if i mean i know that not everybody listening knows me everyone that is listening that does know me knows that i act as well i've done film acting for a while uh it was my first love and I was working on a film um a little bit ago and I was fresh out of my relationship so I was like a dog in heat and just trying to distract myself from sadness for a while and I was on a film that there was one guy in it um I'm just gonna call him the actor because I don't need to I don't need any other identifying information for him he's the

actor in many ways in many in many ways um and he was very attractive but during all of our rehearsals he was wearing a wedding ring and then when it came time to film we were all staying in a cabin in Cle Elum which people that don't live in Washington it's like right over the pass so it's like two hours away so we all had to spend the night there and when he got there he wasn't wearing his wedding ring and it had been a few a few months between our last rehearsal and when we were recording so I was like so you're like maybe they got divorced yeah I was like maybe something happened but I wasn't gonna assume I wasn't just be like all right he's he got a divorce like let's get it in and and so like the night went on and we were like drinking and um

it would kind of felt like a frat in there like we were all being hazed like the directors were all like making us take shots and stuff we were filming at five the next morning but it was it was so irresponsible but we were all really drunk and I decided to sleep in the room with the bed bunk bunk beds bed bunks I was like bed bugs that's why would you decide to sleep in there I don't know I didn't want to feel alone wanted to bring him home I needed some new friends so I decided to choose the room with the bunk beds because I was like there's less of a chance of somebody trying to share a bed with me if it's bunk beds because I get my own my own bed so he was like when we were like it got to the time of night where we were all deciding where we were sleeping

he was like well well where are you sleeping and I was like in the bunk beds on the top bunk and he was like oh is the bottom bunk taken and I was like no and so he was like all right I call bottom bunk I call did he say I call bottom that's a missed opportunity I know I should be a man I'd be so good at hitting on women we like got we were like chatting a little bit before we went to sleep but there was like pretty platonic how we were talking and so I like when we were deciding to like actually go to bed and turn off the lights I turned over and I thought the bunk bed kind of move a little bit like he was getting out and I like rolled back over and opened my eyes and he was just standing there

like that would scare the shit out of me yeah it was actually kind of like he was just kind of standing there like he was like hanging off of the um the rails like it was kind of like playful how he was like standing there and I was like can I help you and he was like I'm just trying like really hard to like stop myself from coming up there with you and I was like and he was he had always been talking about his wife and how much he loved her like during rehearsals and stuff so like for him to be acting like that and not wearing his wedding ring I was like something happened like just which is not now looking like in hindsight I'm like I really should have pressed for more information like i wonder if he would if he would talk about his wife

to prove something to himself maybe to be like hell if i bring up my wife now it's your responsibility for him to not hit on you that's such a good point i didn't think about that yeah i'm rolling my eyes hard because that's probably what happened the truth i was thinking maybe he was bringing up his wife a lot to like overcompensate for like a failing marriage you know which like you know how people post they're probably true relationships on facebook when they feel like they have something to prove so I like didn't push back because I was given enough information in my eyes at the time and also I was drunk to be like he's totally single so I was like well why don't you come up here then I like said something like I said something like well I'm not

stopping you something smooth I felt really good about my response and he was like so he like got up and when we just started like making out and I mean I would I don't think you're wrong for assuming like right it's not my responsibility yeah to be like oh i have morals so this person probably has morals too i heard him talk about his wife before he's not wearing a wedding ring something happened and now he's in my bed yeah yeah i would totally also assume the same thing yeah it was and how are you supposed to bring up someone's wife like i don't know like how would your wife feel about you were cognizant enough to be like okay well he's not wearing a wedding ring And, like, he's clearly hitting on me, so I'm going to assume that everyone's going

to be as normal and thoughtful as I am and not, like, anyways. Yes. Sorry, continue, and then I'll hop off. No, you're right. I mean, like, I don't know. Anyway, we didn't have sex. We were just, like, making out, and, like, there was, like, a little bit of, like, P2V, like, contact, but there was no sex.

A little rub. A little rub. Rub-a-dub. A little rub-a-dub. So the next morning, we woke up at five. we got two whole hours of sleep and we had a 12 hour day of filming so that was the worst and we were all hungover and I went downstairs early to get my makeup done and then when I was coming back up he was coming he was going down to get his makeup on and he high-fived me he's like morning

bud he did like one of those and I was like morning peepee toucher what or what is going on like it felt like he was like really overcompensating for like the friend thing like we're just friends he was trying to like bro you but then when he came back upstairs after he got his makeup on I was like getting like my shit together like I was putting my stuff in my bag and he like pushed me against the wall and like started kissing me again and I was like I'm getting whiplash I don't know what you think this is and then the whole day when we were filming he would like I would like look at him and he would be looking at me and he'd just like wink like he was just doing flirty shit like that all day so I'm like I don't think that he was just drunk I think him and his wife are done

anyway film the whole day that night we had like the clothes party like like the um wrap party and I was like can we go talk upstairs because I was just getting like a bad gut feeling and guardian angels it's my favorite saying gut feelings are guardian angels and they really fucking are and I'm so glad that I asked I was like did something so he met me upstairs and I was like did something happen with your wife like did you guys get a divorce and he was like oh I'm so sorry I should have talked to you about this like we're in an open relationship and I was like does she know that you're in an open relationship oh yes like we've gone to therapy and like we have this agreement and like she just doesn't want to hear about it

and I was like okay and now looking back I'm like you just didn't want me talking to your wife about it so anyway fast forward there's so much shit that happened in the middle of this that doesn't matter so fast forward we were seeing one of our cast members in a play and he brought his wife and the second I met her I knew immediately that she was not the open relationship type she was so quiet and timid and just like sweet and just like innocent and I was like you guys do not have an open relationship situation and like we were all sitting at a table together he'd be like squeezing my leg under the table like she would go to the bathroom and he would like start like rubbing my arm and stuff in ways that like she couldn't see after we saw the play sorry there's

so many parts to this but I'm gonna try to be fast about it after the play I got a text from him oh I texted him and I was like your wife seems really sweet and he texted me back and he was like oh yeah I'm like totally enamored by her and then the next text was I can't get your smell off of my clothes um it's making me think about you like I can't stop thinking about you all day you're diabolical and I never answered the next day I got a text from him saying hey my wife saw me deleting the text messages and so she thinks that something's going on between us um do you mind sending me screenshots of our conversation and I was like yes I mind do not bring me into your marital shit you told me that you guys were in an open relationship and if she cares about you

texting me then she's clearly not okay with us being doing like what we did yeah um and he was like you're right okay I'll keep you out of it a week later I'm sitting in the jury duty waiting room and I get a very long text from his wife yeah oh my god this is her name um my husband has kind of a tendency to flirt with women when he's on new projects but I need to know if more than just flirting happened um woman to woman I need you to be honest with me it was a very long text it was basically just repeating itself and I um I texted her back she honest to god sweet like one of the sweetest women I've ever met like she does not even remotely deserve anything close to this I am on the edge of my seat right now I texted her back and I was like hey um I told him that I

wanted to stay out of this I totally understand what you're going through I've been there I've been cheated on um but like you have you need to talk to him about it like I was I was given false information about what your setup was and I don't want to be involved in this she was like well you're kind of already involved you hooked up with my husband I was like totally understand that wasn't my fault like it was not my responsibility it wasn't your choice no I'm sure if you knew that they were together and like he hadn't like misled you never it it honestly kept me up that i was the other woman like i i never wanted to be that person i okay so i have something kind of similar to talk about um after we had our company's global summit

so i spoke at our company's global summit and i wore this fucking turtleneck i looked like i was about to do improv comedy i was wearing this black turtleneck and it said synergy on it and like we did this like really corny presentation but it was so fun anyways afterwards we all went out like I'm one of the few people who stayed out for a very long time I made it to this country bar I guess there's a country bar out in in Capitol Hill-ish area I don't know there was a there was a bowl a mechanical bowl and like a bunch of peanuts on the ground so I went there yeah I don't know it's kind of nice yeah you eat the peanuts this is pre-covid days where you could just get a handful of peanuts it's really it's funny to think about all the disgusting shit we did before

we like realized germs can kill us well i don't think anyone was like yeah there's gonna be another plague because we have modern medicine now so anyways that's neither here nor there uh but i mean i guess the covid is certainly here it's certainly here certainly here um so i made it to this country bar and i really wanted to make out with someone so badly it had been so long for me and there were like a million hot guys there they were all in suits i was like what the fuck's going on because it was getting so hard for me to like get my drink order in and it was because i was with one of our guy friends from work and i was like okay i need to ditch this guy and then i dipped around to the other side of the bar i'm like the only girl at the bar and i was

immediately served well and we made a bet like which of us could get served first um so i was like i bet i'll i bet i'll win so he gave me his debit card in case i did get served first so i ordered all of our drinks and um it turns out there was also this other company also had their global meeting and yeah so there were people from all over the world and there was this guy from new york explains the australians the australians and then there was this guy from new york i was like walking around and i stopped one of them like i was like i'm just gonna talk to one of these guys I stopped this like hot guy and I was like so what like are all of you together like you're the only people in suits here and there's so many of you and he's like yeah we all came from

our global company meeting and then um I I was wearing my like synergy shirt and we were like joking about that and we ended up like totally hitting it off and like he was like buying me drinks and I was like having fun with him and his friends and then he was like um telling me where he was staying and he was like do you mind if I get your number and I was like sure like and in my head I was like I might like fuck this guy like he's so hot he's so fun to talk to like I'll have a one night stand I don't have to worry about that like he goes away and um he like takes out his phone and i'm putting my number in his phone and then i see he's wearing a wedding ring what a piece of shit and then people were like how did you not notice that before and i like

thought back on it and he had his hand in his pocket the whole time what a pile of garbage he intentionally made sure i didn't see his wedding ring and then i like looked at his hand and i was like you're married and he was like he was like yeah and i was like do you mind if i ask why are you asking for my number if you're married and he was like i don't want to talk about it i okay and then he hit me up after i had gotten home and he was like this is where my hotel is if you want to come we should find him i have that reverse phone book app i want to find him and see if they're still married because he wouldn't tell me his last name it's probably on his phone on his phone plan though oh fuck yeah let's do that right now okay let's do it on air

okay like i just don't understand like you don't have to get married nobody's like making you get married like if you're the kind of person that can't commit to somebody like why drag somebody down with you stop meowing at me go away go he said hello synergy miss you ew okay what's his number oh oh shit that's right that's why we're here that's such a basic ass name just so everybody that's listening knows what we're doing i have this reverse phone book app called mr number please sponsor us i it's a dollar a month i would pay so much more than that but you type in anyone's phone number and it tells you the name attached to the plan and i have done my best sleuthing through this app i'm pretty sure this is him he's hot he is so fucking hot again oh those eyes i

know i wonder if this company has an instagram oh yeah and he follows it yes he does oh it's private are you fucking kidding me it's fucking private i'm gonna add him i don't even care he'll be like who follow okay i requested it guys holy shit and his his picture is clearly a selfie from his wedding oh my god you're so right yeah there's like a hand on his shoulder probably his wife and it's like him taking a selfie i hate this guy oh my freaking gosh guys okay so this is Liz obviously you can tell by my voice that it's me Liz um but this is the next day after Amelia and I recorded and after uh we found that guy who tried to cheat on his wife with me um so he accepted my friend request or my follow request on Instagram and this motherfucker

the last picture he posted was of his wife in her wedding dress and it says happy birthday beautiful and her birthday's on 420 blaze it and then um i the more digging i did they got married in october 2019 and i met him at a bar in february or january 2020 that is not that long that is fucking insane what was October November December yeah three months married for three fucking months I just like I'm shook guys I'm fucking shook this guy sucks he didn't follow me back he probably like saw my picture and was like this bitch that's a fun little update on that that I'm gonna insert um into this podcast at some point but I wanted to share the information as soon as possible um you know maybe something even weirder will happen within

the next 24 hours i can only hope because like i feel like i'm living in a soap opera like what the fuck okay back to your um originally programmed listening anyways anyway okay i have a spicy story i love telling this story okay so amelia's never heard this story and i love telling this story to people who have never heard it so this is another story from when i was in college um when i had stayed over the summer um i need a i need a nickname for this guy um i'm gonna call him motorcycle okay because he had a motorcycle obviously because you looked like a motorcycle i don't know what that would mean so while i was in college this was my it was the summer between my sophomore and junior year

i had decided to stay in flagstaff for the summer and i made like a like a fun little group of friends that had also decided to stay there that i knew from like my freshman year and like had made over my sophomore year so we became like this group of friends we're all underage so we'd just get like fucked up at someone's apartment because somehow we would be able to get like a handle or something I'd known him very casually like he was in a fraternity I kind of knew him and then I got to know him a lot better over the summer because he was like hooking up with my friend and um like things fizzled out with them pretty quickly and he was also from Vegas so I was like hey if you're ever if you ever need to go back to Vegas like I have a car like you can

totally carpool with me and he was like actually I want to bring my motorcycle back to Vegas and then bring my car up here um but I'm worried my motorcycle might break down so next time you go I'll follow you in my motorcycle and I was like okay yeah one of the weekends I'm like yep I'm going home to Vegas this weekend it's my brother's graduation party like feel free to like I'll follow me in your motorcycle and let me know if like it breaks down we can figure something out my mom's like do you want to invite motorcycle over for your brother's graduation party it's like a big barbecue I was like sure I'll let him know like the invitations out there he decided he was like yeah I mean if it's not like a serious thing I'll totally just show up and I was like

yeah come through get some food whatever and then while he's there he's telling my mom and her friends this story about they're both teachers so he starts telling them how he was homeless in high school he says that his mom oh he got kicked out my mom was like you know teachers are trained to look for like signs that a student might be abused or like homeless or something so my mom was like well where did you stay and he was like i would sleep under the bleachers she was like did any teacher like reach out to you like how did you take care of yourself and he's like i would couch surf when i could and like you know take showers in the in the gym um like before school started and then she was like did a teacher notice this and he's like yeah i can my counselor noticed and

like set me up with like um this like homeless teens service um where they give like housing to homeless teenagers and like give them like um grocery gift cards yeah so he tells them that story and it was just like very moving to see like some someone who has been helped by the education system and yeah i was just really moved like watching this whole thing happen in front of me and then um we kind of went our separate ways for the summer like i went back to flagstaff and he stayed in las vegas so he could like he lived with his aunt and then and then he was like i don't know my fast was gonna go through and i was like that fucking sucks i hope you can come back so then i go back to college and then school starts and then i was in charge of my sororities

recruitment so i was like doing my own thing after being in charge of recruitment any lady who's been through recruitment knows that that shit is exhausting um so being in charge of that i uh appropriately decided to get very very drunk when it was all over when all was said and done i was like I'm getting fucked up so I went to like a fraternity party and then um motorcycle was there and I was like oh my god I didn't know that you made it like I didn't know you made it back up to school like you said your fast phone might not go through and then I like um he was worried like his aunt was gonna get evicted so he was like trying to help out with rent for her and that's why he stayed in Vegas and then I was like I thought you weren't gonna get your FAFSA and

like what happened with your aunt like did you guys end up being homeless and he was like yeah my aunt got it or not homeless um I was like did she end up getting evicted and then he was like yeah my aunt got evicted um but I was like what'd you do and he was like I actually stayed with your with your parents because when he was at the barbecue my mom was like well if you ever need anything like you can always stay with us and so I remember that and then he's like I actually stayed with your family and then I was like what oh my god my mom didn't tell me and then he was like I was just really ashamed that I didn't have anywhere to stay and um I remember that your your mom had offered to let me stay with them if my aunt got evicted and I like took them up on that

offer and I asked them not to say anything to you because I was just really embarrassed and I was like oh my god that's like I I can't like that's so on brand for my parents and I was just like I can't I can't believe that you stayed there over the summer and like I was just like very touched yeah um and I was like how did you get into my house and he's like I just used the garage code and I was like did you ever hang out with my brother and he's like I mean I I was only there so I had somewhere to sleep like like I if I was there he wasn't really there and then I was like asking him other questions and he was like yeah your mom would just like text me if there was food in the fridge or something and I was like oh my god that's so moving and if any of you guys

know my mom aka mama b mama b is everyone's second mom like she loves like being a good hostess because she's been so scarred by like staying at people's places and they're bad hosts so she like over hosts she's like very good at being a hostess um i love that my mom says your mom is so great well your mom sounds great too our moms would totally get along we're so lucky um yeah so i was just like very moved and i was just like wow i can't believe like i love that my family did this for this guy and then um I ended up making out with him we didn't yeah we didn't like hook up we made out and then um I was like super hungover the next day and then I had to go to work like a little bit later and I and I was a cocktail waitress so I made it past my hangover

by then so I went to my cocktail waitressing job and then I called my mom really quick before my shift started and then i was like hey mom um motorcycle told me he stayed with you guys over the summer and she was like what and then i was like yeah i mean i know he told you not to tell me like um because he was embarrassed and then she was like what are you talking about shut the fuck up yeah so i told her the story and i included all of the details he told me like i was like he said he got in with the garage code he said that you would text him that there was food waiting for him and then he said that like my brother wasn't home or like when when he was when he was there like he because my brother is like always out with friends always so it was just all these specific

details that really matched my family's behavior i do not like that yeah that's the psychopath stuff like really so then my mom was like no he never stayed here like she offered the opportunity and he never took them up he never stayed there and i was like hungover trying to process this and i was like what the fuck and then i was like i'm about to start my shift i like i'll talk to you after this and then i called back and my dad was freaking out my dad was like do not talk to this guy ever again like don't talk to him and so i was like ignoring him he kept trying to hit me up and i was like avoiding him and then i like went home and he showed up at my door because our dorm rooms like the greek life dorm was just one big building so he shows up in my dorm room and then he's like

why haven't you been like responding to me and i was like you lied to me about staying with my fucking family for the summer and he's like I'm sorry I just wanted to seem closer to your family what and I was just like why did you think that you could tell me this and I wouldn't find out right you're gonna follow up with your mom exactly and I was like obviously you know how close I am with my family and you really thought you could tell me this and I wouldn't find out and he's like I feel like I I don't know I just was saying in the moment and I wanted to seem closer to you because i like you and i was like there are other ways to do that i was like this is crazy it's fucking crazy that's really scary i taught so i had brought this up to my therapist like

if you met him you would know he like it didn't seem like vindictive like he it's so weird to explain like clearly this is some psychopath shit well but he i don't think he is the kind of psychopath that would hurt someone it's just like the ability to like scan a room and be able to pick up on details like you have a garage code um he's heard that like maybe he heard in conversation that your brother's out every night he knows that your mom is the kind of person that would like text him to say that there's food in the fridge like yeah being able to like pick out those details and construct such a lie is scary that's vindictive or not exactly anyway come on so when i talked to my therapist about it i'm just like i like this shit is crazy because

also it happened years ago so i like i've been seeing my therapist for a year but when i talked to her about it i was like it was just something that had come up like a memory that had come up which that happens in therapy and she was like well you know that might have been better than what actually happened to him that summer oh shit yeah i didn't even think about i know so because i was like i was like i never felt afraid of him um i was like definitely like what the literal fuck but i never got this feeling that he was gonna hurt me so but i still was just like what the fuck and then she was like well you know that might have been better than what actually happened to him that summer and um i bet that he did really like

he saw your family dynamic and wanted to experience that and i was like and like compulsive liars can convince themselves that things happen too oh yeah but it's like oh you can like you can corroborate that story very quickly by just calling your mom for 10 seconds and i'm sure he knew that and my therapist is sure he knew that but it gets even fucking crazier how so i didn't know this until recently but he has been doing ted talks on how he was homeless in high school and then his family is commenting on it and they're like he was he was never kicked out he ran away from home like his family's doing fine he ran away from home and i mean we don't know his home life but he has been able to like he he did a whole like

vlog series where he was homeless on the streets in new york and raised a bunch of money to donate to the homeless so like he is a fucking sociopath but he's like being a good guy as a result it's fucking crazy it's so weird like I'm so confused Amelia's brain is melting in front of me right now how did you I would be scared that I was like like close at all to somebody that was so capable of like lying about shit like that and there really is that's like um I mean when you're 21 you're kind of like not like I was too focused on myself to be like like whoa I knew that I was like oh this guy's fucking crazy in hindsight like he is insanely hot though let me show you what he looks like but like holy shit like can pull like that is some serious lying yes that's like intensive

observant after he gives the fucking ted talks he gives ted talks about being homeless grandpa has something to say about that grandpa's liz's cat we don't have an old man in here and i just wish that he would be quiet grandpa come here yeah i know you're gonna see him and be like i might let this guy lie to me oh god holy shit oh wow what a name on that one well that's his model name it's not even his real name of course he lies about his name i know what the fuck he probably didn't want his family to continue tracking him wait does he have other pictures yeah he does holy shit oh i know man he's like stupid hot this is a bizarre story so um in episode one we called this guy in the next story to pump chump so we're gonna call him

that now so um i went out to the bars with um one of my girlfriends and she invited this guy that she has been seeing for a little bit and he brought his roommate who happened to be two pump chump and i was like completely disgusted by him from the beginning like he was really pretty he had like piercing eyes but he was just like how he carried himself was annoying they were like green but like they were like uh it was like a color green i hadn't seen before and i was like so this guy um two pump chump gave me his number at the first bar we were at he's like we should probably hang out sometime after this and i really think it was just me not showing any interest in him I don't think that he was used to that but there was just something disgusting about him to

me um so I put his name in my phone as his first name and then whatever the fuck because I didn't I didn't think I was ever going to talk to him again um spoiler alert I didn't but he like we kept going out and like we kept getting drunker and like my friend was all over the guy that had come out for her so anyway we eventually ended up back at their apartment and um he offered we needed to spend the night we were like way too drunk to get anywhere and so my friend slept in her guy's bed and then like the um two pump chump offered that i slept in his bed but he was going to sleep on the couch which i thought was really nice i was like oh he like put me in his bed his his sheets were fucking gross i was like wait where why were they gross they were like um it

looked like there was dandruff all over them oh yeah it was very clear he hadn't changed sheets in a long time and they were really like pulled out so there was like a lot of like folds in the sheets and it was just disgusting like i felt gross in there he hadn't cleaned his room in a long time he had this beautiful apartment with this like unbelievable view of the sound and i wish you guys could see my face yeah she's yeah i'm fully disgusted it was honestly the grossest place i've ever been and he it was a very nice it was a condo he owned it and i'm like do you want to take care of your shit he owns it and it has a beautiful view of the sound if you can't take care of your apartment you can't take care of me and he just he just fucking jizzes in his

sheets oh yeah that's and let them be there the place was so liz i like it was it wasn't like messy like there's a lot of stuff it was messy like there was just like little pieces like paper all over the place like a little like dirty messy dirty and like the whole place smelled like burnt pizza it was like the work anyway so he like put me in his room and he was closing the door and i was so drunk and he like i was just like most of these stories fresh out of a relationship and just trying yeah and you're yeah at that point you're just kind of like I'm like I might as well fucking do this we should probably just have sex so I was like well no why don't you why don't you just like sleep with me and he was like oh is that okay and I was like we love consent I was like 100%

that's great and so um like damn now that you asked hell yeah yeah yeah I was sliding before I'm definitely extra sliding now yeah Amelia's face is like yikes I can't believe it we're got it that instantly so he like got into bed and we like instantly started making out and he was on top of me zero foreplay by the way boo yeah he got on top of me and he was like he said this won't take long and i was like getting close to the microphone he said this won't take long this is a note for the fellas foreplay is a must and also never say that to anybody and never say this won't take long we don't want to say um don't even say anything about the time shut up yeah just don't say anything if you're gonna say anything it should just be like

you're so fucking hot yes and then be like i came early because you're so hot like you could circle back on that comment you know that's if you need to double down on you coming early if you're if you know it's not gonna take you very long you can say something like that but wait wait to say that yeah the other thing that you should say and do is i want to make you come yes and then you know maybe even tell just be like tell me how i can make you come put a little bit of elbow grease into it i feel uncomfortable that i'm i'm essentially whispering this feels like like like rated r npr np rated r it totally is we just need some like light like flute music over there so it'll be np rated r

or just like heavy breathing hey fellas welcome to another edition of fresh air welcome to an episode of the holy hour listen harder god i hope i leave this in okay oh my god i'm done upstate oh my god okay anyway so anyway the story is gonna pale in comparison to what just happened but i'll continue it so so he says this won't take long and then he is a millisecond away from entering me and i was like hold up do you have a condom and he rolled

his eyes like i was like asking him to like build me a house like he was like oh i was like sis just go and grab it so he grabbed it and i was like if anything he's upset because it'll take him longer right because it's not gonna feel as good with a condom on wrong he literally meant it when he said this won't take long because he lit I was on top he laid there I'm like doing it with my body right now but nobody can see it he laid there stiff as a board for 30 seconds made no sound did not change his face the entire time I was riding him and then he goes I would be like are you dead yeah I was like I'm not even kidding nothing behind his eyes oh god and then he was like I came and I was like okay um okay and so I climbed off and then he was just he just like

kind of went to bed and I was like wow okay so then I rolled over and like also went to sleep and it was maybe like I like drifted off for like a second and then like I started to feel him like like grabbing me and like touching my boobs and like rubbing his hands on on my ass and so he was like trying around that he was trying for around two and he would not let up you know oh my god and so i just kept kind of playing dead i was like i'm not hooking up with this guy again that was a nightmare and so he gave up and then jacked off next to me for 10 minutes i had to listen to him jacking off next to me for 10 minutes and then he came i heard it he made sound that time and then i started to hear him snore and i snuck out and i like ripped open the door where my

friend was with his roommate and i was like we have got to go i'm calling an uber she was like okay she's like got out of bed and we left and then he texted me the next day and was like last night was so great um like was it do you remember it like where are you texting the right girl yeah this is this is amelia um are you sure you have the right number and then he was like i would love if we could get drinks next time and i said sure and then he just never followed up i think he probably got the hint but it was the i've never had to listen to a guy jacking off next to me for 10 minutes i don't know i just felt it just like makes me feel icky to think about do you think he was lying or do you think he came twice i hope that he's lying because like he he

made no indication that he had come yeah i would think that he was probably lying all right well um we want to be able to also give you guys what you want to hear so please let us know what you're enjoying and what what you like and maybe we'll like start doing mini episodes where we're just we're only reading stories and giving advice um because we're we're down for whatever like we obviously yeah we're adaptable and we're obviously having such a fun time like recording this podcast and having topics and telling you guys like funny stories yeah um but we also like really love hearing from you guys so we want to know what everyone is enjoying so we can give you guys more of that yeah and like keep doing this because it's been such a blast yeah please read um

cardi b 316 in your respective bibles and that's on the holy hour and that's on that's on scripture and that's on scripture