The Hoely Hour - E45 Thot Leaders

Episode Date: June 25, 2021

WE HAVE A PATREON! So now you can officially support your local hoe-stesses. Liz talks about her sex drive fluctuation (thanks, depression and anxiety!) What does it mean when your partner doesn't let you reciprocate the O? And are you picky or is your gut just trying to tell you something? Learn the number one way dudes break their ding-dongs! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

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May slow when network is busy. See terms. Oh, I mixed these up. Whoopsies. I'm Amelia Sampson today. Oh, fuck yeah, I get to be Liz Ball. Come to Mama Gatsby. welcome to the holy hour i'm amelia samson and i'm liz ball we kept eye contact that entire time

i was just i wasn't even thinking that we were making eye contact i was thinking about how much better the audio sounds now that someone told us how to properly set up the microphones and we don't need to be super close anymore can you still hear me back here yeah it sounds really good i'm excited to hear if we can pick up grandpa you should talk about the email that we got yeah so someone someone emailed us they sent us pictures with it and everything too they were like I think I figured out like why you can hear your cat so clearly in like the videos and in the podcast and it's because I had been setting up the mics wrong and they showed they were like I think this is the microphone you have and we do and um then they like sent me pictures of how it should

be set up and like where the pop screen should be and I was like I don't know why I ever thought something different and then i was explaining to my boyfriend i was like this is how you're supposed to set it up and he's like yeah i know what well because he has a gaming setup in his room and then i was like that's how he sets up his mic how come i didn't think to set mine up like that i think i even watched a youtube video i don't know well damn yeah all of it is way over my head it's like speaking a completely different language i opened up the email that this person sent and i was like no i read the first line i was like i can't i texted liz i'm like liz eyes eyes over a different language i was like oh shit whoa yeah so thank you to that person

i'm i'm very excited about the audio well and i'm excited that you're excited thank you and another housekeeping thing that feels natural to um segue into we're looking at the camera as we're saying this because we've launched our Patreon. Yeah. Yeah. I need to stop trying to do air horn sounds. That sounded like a laser gun. That's every time I do it.

Like where, where, where have I ever heard an air horn? That sounds like that. I don't know. It's been a while since I've been to a club. Can we commission someone to make an air horn? That sounds like that.

Yeah. We'll pay you. Once people start buying our Patreon subscriptions, we can afford to pay you for an air horn sound. That sounds like me. Mm hmm. Pew, pew,

pew, pew. mm-hmm and i'm gonna i'm gonna blast it in every club i go to uh anyway we have launched our patreon and um three different levels um i think the cheapest one is six dollars right yep yeah yeah six dollars to get early access to our episodes and then the next tier is you get the videos and you get access early access to episodes and then the the third tier and the highest tier you get early access to episodes videos and liz and i are going to be doing monthly q a's live through probably twitch yeah we'll have to figure that out we're gonna figure out the

we didn't expect people to already know that we had a lot i put it in our link tree thinking like people would poke around but somebody already subscribed to it so now like the pressure is really on for us to figure out this tech which i think is what i needed to have happen like oh shit it's happening it's fucking happening so we're gonna figure out how to stream on twitch but it's happening i mean who among us doesn't know some bro who uses twitch we all know we all know a dude who loves twitch and gaming sunset is like watching gamers game real advanced on twitch i should just ask him he has like a whole i don't know you can do so much amazing shit on twitch i have no idea anyway so we'll be doing that um yeah the link is in our link tree which is

everywhere twitter it's just link tree slash the holy hour so something that i've been thinking about a lot lately is because i was like i don't know if i want to talk about this but i'm like i should talk about this because other people might be able to relate to it and it would be dishonest if i didn't amelia's like what are you gonna say i have no idea um my sex drive has just been really low for like a while now and I definitely think it has a lot to do with like other things outside of um like just sexual desire in my relationship like my like my satisfaction at work is really low and like I have been I felt creatively drained since like November if I'm being honest and it's exhausting a while ago yeah so that's just how i've been feeling and like

um my partner doesn't mind at all like i think he probably like can relate to that a little bit too i was just about to say that like it is really nice having um his support and understanding and like I don't feel like pressured or like when we when we do have sex it's like just how it should be like mutual and like you're able it does take energy for me like um to connect with another person because I am not very transactional about the sex I have like I don't want it to be transactional like i hate transactional sex um so yeah that's just how i'm feeling and like i was feeling a lot of internal pressure of like well i have this sex and dating podcast like people probably assume i'm having like a lot of sex and i'm not it's so important but that is part

of also like a sex life and sex positivity is I'm not always like having sex it's really important to say that too because I think like there is kind of an expectation I think probably subconsciously for a lot of people of like at least what I've experienced with dating is a lot of guys that I date if they've listened to the podcast before they meet me they assume that I'm this like vixen like I'm like ready to go whenever and like not we have normal natural sex drives that that a lot of people experience like we're not I don't always want to have sex like I sex drives are so it's it's hard because I feel like not a lot of people talk about low sex drives and a lot of people talk about high sex drives so it feels like low sex drives are rare and they're

not no you know and I like when I was thinking about when my sex drive is the highest it's like I would say my sex drive is probably the highest like in the beginning of relationships because I don't have that emotional like connection yet so it's a way that I can feel closer and like um I don't know there's just more of like a different kind of emotional satisfaction from it that maybe I wouldn't like I don't have until I get to know someone better yeah if that makes sense yeah so um like you know now that I'm like deeply in love with my my partner and like I trust him a lot like I am not seeking that validation in our sex life so now when we have sex it is it feels different than the beginning of a relationship obviously that's so interesting

to talk about like how you seek different things out of sex at different phases of your relationship i've never really honestly i've never really thought of that like now it's just fun playtime yeah and um yeah that's interesting yeah i don't think enough people talk about that like because really when you first start dating someone it's like you're like i want to fucking jump your bones all the time yeah you want to like impress you yeah you do want to impress them and also I don't like I don't feel like you want to impress them in a performative way it's more of just like I don't know you like them and you're excited about them yeah and you want to give off a good impression and then like as you get further on in the relationship it's like that changes it

starts to be like more of like a moment of connection and like just something that you can like experience together it becomes I think not for everybody obviously not everybody has the same experience with sex but like it becomes more of like an equal kind of playing field rather than like uh like you're peacocking because we're animals at the end of the day and like we seek sex for different reasons what is it us and dolphins are the only two animals that have sex for fun but really at the core of it is like a lot of like biological shit and so it's interesting to look at it from the perspective of like it shifts over time we're looking for different things out of sex as our relationship goes along and it'd be interesting to talk to different

genders of how different genders experience that because i'm sure it's similar but it might not be i don't know i could only speak from like a female experience yeah you know yeah that's interesting i'm glad that you feel like you can talk not even feel like i'm glad that you can talk to your boyfriend about it because that removes a lot of the pressure of because it's not even like i was feeling pressured from him i was feeling pressured on from the podcast not and not from you obviously the idea of the podcast of like oh well we co-host this sex and dating podcast and like people probably expect us to just be like fucking all the time and like i'm not i just went like two months and i'm i'm i'm actually very happy yeah that's interesting though i've

I have experienced the, the podcast contributes so much to my life, but we're having such a unique experience with it. Like we're not talking about like movies we've watched or like we, we aren't talking about something that's like not a part of us. Like we're talking about something that's like very, very personal. And so it like, it introduces new, new things into our lives that I don't think that we expected to happen, like expecting something from ourselves for our sex drive, like expecting different like we have to be perfect all the time because we're like thought leaders in this space, which like I feel like an amateur always me too.

And like I think that there's something really valuable about having a sex podcast and not being a professional because a lot of people that are experiencing these things aren't professionals. so like and then you just feel like alone in your experience and confused so I mean also I mean part of this podcast is talking about different like something holistically yeah that makes sense yeah totally and I'm so glad that I get to do this with you too because we've talked about this a lot too like not having to go about this alone there's a lot of things that I don't think that I can handle if I was doing it alone no me either well and I I mean and that's like I think that was the best

reminders knowing that I'm not doing it alone yeah um and when I was talking to my therapist last week I was like I mean and maybe like I'm just less relatable because I'm in a relationship and like I'm okay with that because like I'm really happy in my relationship and she was like I mean I don't even think that because if you both were going through the same things at the same time it wouldn't be like interesting yeah when I was like that's such a good point I mean when you first got in a relationship a few people were like oh what does that mean but I was my first thought was like what an interesting perspective to have because really you and I think about things very differently but we we really think about things basically this day we

like get to the same place yes yeah we get the same answer but we have our maths different yeah yeah show our work differently so to have it now be where you and I think so similarly about things and so differently about things and we both got to like a different place with it is a really interesting perspective to have so I was like from the jump I was like no this is kind of great like you're happy and we have this like new fresh perspective well and like that's the goal of dating is to like be in a relationship you know yeah and like from there to like people for it to work yeah and figure that out so I think people are constantly trying to figure out relationships you and I started this podcast a really unique time because we were both like fresh out of a

relationship figuring it out and like I don't really want to listen to people that have it figure it out. I'm sure that it's, that's an interesting topic for a lot of people. That's not something that I would want to listen to because I can't relate to it. So like, I know that like a lot of people listen to the podcast and they're like, I'm also very lost and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. And it makes me feel better to know that like, you also don't know what the fuck you're doing. I'll never feel like an adult. I'll never feel like I have it together so anyway i think that that's like that's really useful for you to point out that like we have this thing and you still experience things that i'm sure a lot of people that listen are

like i haven't really felt like having sex lately what's wrong with me nothing there's a lot of well and then something else in your life could just not be where you want it to be and i think that was another thing for me too is just like hold on when I get too slouchy my back hurts um another thing for me is just like a lot of different areas of my life I'm just like not feeling super confident so that takes its toll and it helps to have like a partner who understands and I think it is hard when people don't have when they have their sex drives aren't the same yeah and I mean like the best thing my partner could do for me is just be empathetic yeah that's such a beautiful thing having somebody that understands you makes me want to cry and it's so rare because like

for somebody to I think that what's there's a saying it's like to be known to be recognized is beautiful to be understood is profound it's like there's something so special about feeling like somebody understands you and it's I was talking to somebody about this recently it's amazing that relationships ever work out because you have all of this life experience and all of these different points in your life that have to come together with another person at a time that is that you can compromise on things that you believed and you're willing to like mesh these like values together and there are a lot of values and beliefs and learnings that don't mesh together so like when you find somebody that like it kind of clicks in with and it's never going to be

perfect and you're up against so much you're up against like you're conditioning and like pressures from society and so when you have a special feeling about someone like listen to that and that's like intoxicating when you have somebody that like you feel like you can experience that with there's just like i don't know this the podcast we're talking about like challenges that we've like had with it but like at the same time it's also like kind of expedited a lot of shit for me i'm sure it has for you too in terms of like being honest and open with the person that we're with yeah communicating and um being honest with other since i started opening up in this way in the most like sacred parts of my life i've been just kind of like whatever about everything else

i'm like i already talk about everything on and i'll say that a lot it's like i i have a sex podcast and then I'll just open up about shit because it really from there it's like everything else is easy to open up about and I'm so grateful for that because who the fuck cares yeah why was I keeping shit secret for so long because and I'm not I completely understand people that want to keep their sex lives private I don't care to I don't see any reason to just based on personally and like that freedom of just being like whatever it's out there is amazing it's so liberating yeah it is really nice to feel that way yeah um and I don't I'm trying to think of like how to explain this thing I have been feeling and noticing of just like when I see TikToks about dating I just

get like exhausted almost because I get really sad like there are so many people there are so many of us who are just like looking for a like our significant other and not just anyone just like that person that like you have a special connection with and like then just seeing the the vitriol between people of like the the profiles you review of like making demands and this isn't exclusive to men like a lot of the screenshots I use are women yeah and just like it's it I don't know like I think a lot of humanity is like lost in dating and it fucking sucks yeah it blows everyone's jaded everyone's exhausted especially at the age that we're at I remember when everybody was like I sound like 90 I'm like back in my heart but like everybody

was so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed in college and I feel like I missed out on that because now everybody is so fucking over it and I think everything after the last like I don't know four or five years has just sucked we're all exhausted from other stuff and then everyone has like this impossible checklist and then the more I thought about it I was thinking about this specifically because like with my boyfriend I recently shared screenshots on Twitter of like when we matched for the first time and he didn't he didn't respond to me like I I sent I'm the one who like reached out to him first like I was the one who liked his picture and responded to it with like a fun pickup line and then he didn't reply and then I asked another question and he

didn't reply like in normal circumstances if I was like I want a relationship like I would be like fuck this guy I'm not gonna waste my time and then since I wasn't in that mindset like I was just like you know what like here's my number I I just want to like meet you yeah and then that's when he like hit me up and even before that we didn't text very much before we met and I like just the more I thought about it I was just like if yeah I wouldn't have had any empathy like in that circumstance I would have just been like you're not gonna reply bye yeah and then like talking to him later he was like i just like couldn't think of anything clever to respond to you with and then like time just kept passing by and i like was like i probably like missed a chance anyways

so he just wasn't gonna try it's like i couldn't think of anything to say and like then too much time went by and it wasn't like i didn't think you'd reply and now look at you too yeah and then instead i was like here's my fucking phone number oh let's meet up and make out it's beautiful and then it ended up working out really great now we all fucking wild to me you gotta trust your gut feeling i'm just like exhausted when i see your content sometimes because i'm like i'm so sad i just want like people to like find each other i know um do you want to read some dms more than anything we got an email that i wanted to read the subject line is a gay loves these girls which the best attention grabber hey ladies after following amelia on tiktok for a while i

decided to give the podcast a go y'all were on an episode numbered in the early 30s oh wow that's a lifer and it was not long before i was completely caught up it was so cool to listen to you both come into your own as podcasters during the past year's worth of episodes as a 24 year old gay man feels weird calling myself a man but i digress hearing about women's sexual experiences has been fascinating i grew up in a religious state in the u.s so my sex ed was lacking at best i still don't really understand vaginas i probably could have asked my parents more but it would likely have ended up being as uncomfortable for them as it was for me fair also that side of the internet kind of makes me nervous all that to say you two have provided a comfortable and educational

space to learn what i probably should have known for a while now so thank you god i can't even tell you how much that means being a gay introvert i wasn't as familiar as i should have been with the types of dangers women deal with when it comes to men in public places after hearing your experiences i've tried to be much more vigilant while i'm out and about once while driving i saw a guy approach a girl on a busy street corner i a six foot tall skinny ass twink sat there and watched in case I needed to throw hands. That situation ended up being okay but it really hammered home that things like this could happen anywhere. I wanted to thank the listener who emailed in worried about not being sexually experienced enough. It was a relief to hear

that I was not the only one in that boat. I get nervous every time a rare sexual moment comes up but I feel more confident after hearing y'all discuss that. It was honestly a pretty big weight off my shoulders. Thanks for being so open with your life experiences and doing it in such a casual way that it's impossible to not feel at ease while listening. I wish you both the best and i can't wait to listen on for many more episodes to come much love such a sweet email i need to tell you i let my mom read that email because i was gushing when i read it and she was like email him back and tell him that your mother loves him that's such a mom it really is i'm like i'll tell him on the pod but it really does mean so much and like there are so many things in that

that i think probably a lot of people can relate to like not feeling so alone and not having a lot of sexual experiences not knowing a whole lot about genitalia that is not yours yeah um growing up in a religious state that doesn't have a good sex ed program like all that we've ever wanted to do is provide like a safe space for those kind of discussions we're not experts there aren't very many experts if you want an expert that's great go and find them that's not us and so for people to feel like they can relate to us well and like more empowered to have like a candid conversation in their day-to-day lives huge and the thing I also really appreciate is just like um trying to be more like conscious of your surroundings to like make sure um people are okay yeah and like

maybe something you weren't aware of before huge but you know like that's all you can ask for I think that means a lot yeah and I'm sure that woman appreciated you hanging out to make sure she was okay absolutely um so I have an interesting one for you for me uh or well for both of us okay um it says hi Amelia and Liz I have a topic to discuss that I thought you might find interesting I recently started seeing a guy and things are going well we get along great and have some awesome physical chemistry coincidentally I had just listened to the BDSM episode the first night we became intimate I'm using that phrase for lack of a better way to describe what followed and I was pleasantly surprised to find that he has real dom energy and classic BDE

he is very gentlemanly and caring outside of the bedroom so when I saw another side of him aside to him it was an extra turn on we have now been seeing each other for about a month and every time we've been in bed together he is insistent on only pleasing me we have not had sex and he will say things like not tonight if i try to reciprocate so i'm getting off multiple times by him and he seems to just enjoy that have i hit the jackpot i'm i'm just perplexed because i've never known a guy to hold back so much it raises a lot of questions oh interesting are there guys out there who just like to take things slow and enjoy the buildup slash anticipation how is he able and willing to hold back when i can tell he's also turned on i've made several

attempts to take things further but he subtly turns down my advances my friends asked if i thought he had any issues and no i can tell he is hard i know the right answer is to communicate communicate about this but yep she knows um but also i am not complaining i've just never encountered anything like this and i look forward to seeing how it unfolds just curious if anyone else has had this had an experience like this because i feel it's rare and therefore i'm confused your podcast has helped build my confidence and i look forward to hearing it every week oh my god awesome thanks for reading it's really sweet and also like a very interesting i have thoughts first of all you already said it communicate yeah um i understand how hard that is

though that's not easy but communicate but now that we got that out of the way i have been seeing a guy squints big fan he is very open about how much it turns him on to turn me on and i think when we hear guys say that it's like okay like sure you just like that's what i want to hear and you're saying it but there are i get super turned on turning on a guy yeah what's interesting about this is not wanting it reciprocated eventually like it sounds like and correct me if you interpreted this differently but like it's just him pleasing her yeah yeah that's it yeah from period which is interesting i've never experienced that i have watched some porn that is like amateur like homemade porn and it's just the guy pleasing the girl

and so maybe that is just something that he like keeps for his like spank bank in his mind but i don't know i mean at this point because i don't i can't i'm not sure how long ago this person sent us this let me look oh it might be an old one um um i okay so it was a week ago so not that long okay so they've been dating for like you know a month a little more than a month now so if we were to just let's speculate first and then we'll do a real answer because i'm very i just want to speculate speculate uh so if i were to speculate i would guess either he might be a virgin or like not have any experience of anyone touching him interesting um maybe he has like body dysmorphia very real possibility or if he has

an std those are or or trauma i feel like those are the four things that it could be there's a lot of different things yeah and it could be none of them but those are four things that it could be um yeah fuck i mean it also yeah like you it could not be any of those things it could be but I just wanted to speculate for fun and that's why I communicate I know the answer you don't want the answer communication because it's the obvious answer but that's really at the bottom of it like just be like yeah especially now that it's been a month I think that's fair to be like can I blow you and why can't I I do have to say when I first started dating my like high school boyfriend I mean I don't know if that's like an accurate comparison because I am almost 30 now but

like he was the first person I've ever like done anything intimate with and um he was the same way like he only wanted to like go down on me and he wanted to finger me but he didn't like want me to do any of that to him yet like eventually we got there but I don't I wasn't he just wasn't ready and he wasn't comfortable but I find that interesting because he I I felt like he pressured me a lot that's really really interesting yeah I mean like there's and like we're saying totally unheard of no no it's not but it's interesting I don't know the age of this person that wrote in but like at the age that speaking from the age that i'm at people are coming into relationships and sexual experiences with so much baggage like there's just so much past shit that's already

happened at this point for a lot of people and do you watch vanderpump rules no okay there's there's a woman on that show ariana and she and her boyfriend tom like a big plot point is that they like never have sex and her it's because she has all this trauma from a past relationship like she her ex-boyfriend would like tell her how gross her vagina was and that would smell yeah and so she has all she heard that for long enough that she believed it and so she doesn't want to have self-conscious yeah and that sucks yeah so I mean like who again who knows we could speculate all day about this guy but like he could be coming into the relationship with all this trauma of like wanting you to feel good and you to feel like you're being taken care of but not feeling

comfortable enough with himself to actually do it and it's not like you're up against like is he into me because he wants you to feel good he clearly is into you so I think that that's every conversation like this is difficult to start but at least you don't need to come at it from the angle of like what am I gonna hear is it me like you can come into it like I love what we're doing but like I would also like to make you feel good yeah so like how what's up and maybe he's just waiting for you to start the conversation because those conversations are really hard to have yeah and then if there's not like that's such a good point like waiting for someone else to start the conversation like because it is just so much easier when someone asks you

they're like are you okay and you're like no thank god you fucking asked because i didn't know how to bring it up yep yeah totally i mean yeah so we speculated and you obviously knew the answer was communication but hopefully this gives you an idea of like some possibilities that the answer might be and probably how to like hopefully approach the conversation I would say not to approach it would you say to approach it after sex or now or like or hooking up it's a really good question because I think I would probably talk about it before separate I think that it would be easy to be like all right you just got me off why can't I get you off like that would be an easy segue but I think it might be more like um because it's probably going to be a bigger

conversation every time that any guy has waited to bring things up till after sex I've been pissed the comedian would always wait to have hard conversations with me after we had sex I'm like that sucks yeah I'm like you just wanted sex yeah but this sounds like kind of a different scenario because it was going to happen either way yeah um so yeah I don't know I think whenever it feels right to bring up it sounds like you're ready to bring it up since you're writing in about it um and i'm sure that he'll be grateful that you've brought it up and if he's not if he's like weird about it then that'll tell you a lot about him like if he's like don't talk to me like you need to you should be spending your time with somebody that's good with good at communication or at least

matches your communication style so you might as well have the convo but damn he sounds great gentlemen out of the bedroom dom in the bedroom what more could you ask for that well and like to also like know that you're also a priority like you know that he's not hooking up with you to satisfy himself which i i always hated feeling like that of like yes you just want to have sex because it's using me to masturbate essentially like there's not any connection here and like I could be anybody. Yeah, I could be your hand. Awful feeling. Yeah, it sucks. So like I think that's like a really like reassuring feeling like, oh, I'm not just being used right now. Like this person actually cares about my pleasure and me as a person. It's huge. I'm trying to think

of like how I would approach it. Maybe I on it. I'm not like I am eloquent sometimes, but I prefer to just be straightforward just like yeah I don't really know how to like bring this up but I noticed that you when we're hooking up um I we don't I don't reciprocate like or you won't let me reciprocate and I just want to check in and make sure like you still feel like satisfied and happy and also like I would like to know why just because I'm curious but yeah and like I think I mean I'll caveat what I'm about to say with as long as you do your best and you aren't intentionally hurting anyone how the other person feels is their responsibility but if you come into a conversation being creating like a safe space like completely fine with this setup completely fine with whatever

you want to do but i would like to have a discussion about this the person is much more likely to like open up and be comfortable talking to you about it rather than like what's up with this which is i'm not i'm not saying you're gonna do but like i think that creating that ground of just like hey this is a safe space and i feel like we should talk about this if somebody came to me with that energy i'd be like oh thank god i don't feel good about my vagina like there could be anything and they could be so scared to bring it up and when you create like a like a bubble to have a conversation about it it's all up from there well and like um a larger scale example of making a bubble like that is like my relationship like um i don't know we have great

communication and that's because when we first started seeing each other when we were having conversations along these lines like I was like okay I want to talk about this but I want to make sure that like there is a lot of mutual respect and empathy and like he knows I'm not gonna lash out at whatever answer he gives me and I just want it to be an open space where we both can communicate our feelings and like when you continue to practice that it feels so nice because then you can do it everywhere yeah do it in any relationship that you have and it's like and when you feel confident like being able to confront potential conflict in your relationship without being afraid of like what the outcome is going to be it just makes life so much easier

yeah totally I don't know practice this is advice for anyone like practice like creating a bubble like that really early on yeah and like even if you're in a relationship that you haven't established that early on like start now this is a good example because this is one of those things that it's like a perfect example of like what just talking and getting to the root of it could do I started doing that with my ex before we broke up and like that's I almost feel like that's what like kind of triggered our breakup is like I wasn't giving him a fight anymore I was just like I don't want to fight like when when we fought it felt like I was performing for him I know I've talked about this a little bit before but it's like he expected me to fight with him

so I just did because it felt like that was like the role he wanted me to play and then I it just was really bizarre when when i finally was like in therapy and i was like i don't like i never really like i felt like i was joking when i was fighting interesting so yeah if they just want to fight they're gonna make it pretty obvious to you it's toxic that's a good red flag uh he's got his own attachment wounds that are no longer my issue to deal with so i'll punch him right in the face um wait also i want to say to our follower uh her name's katie she dm'd us i feel honored to be your 1000th follower i love you yay we love you too and thank you 1000th follower wow that's a moment i know maybe i'll like take a screenshot and print it out

yes frame it frame it put it in a shadow box yeah we're remembering you forever katie so this person says so i'm 30 and i'm in the world of online dating but i think i've hit a wall i'm genuinely looking to go on some dates and see where things go whether it be casual dating or turn into a relationship but i can't seem to get the actual date part these got these guys and i will start talking even go to exchanging numbers but something always happens whether i don't text back and they text me four or five times before i answer and that seems needy to me or something seemingly innocuous pops up whether it's the way he's talking I can't even think of specific examples and I'm immediately turned off and never get to get to the date is this a me problem am I

being too picky or am I doing the right thing going with my gut and bailing on these guys I have so many thoughts about this because I'm going through it too um I'll say what I always say it's either a lesson or a blessing the other thing uh trust your gut gut feelings are guardian angels feelings are guardian angels it's been a while it's been a while i've been only saying the other one i i mean sometimes it's it can be really hard to listen to your gut like for me my i would always get fear in my gut confused and um when you have fear in your in your ear harassing you you can be confused and be like well like do I have these alarm going bells alarm bells going off because I'm afraid of getting hurt or uh because like this is actually

dangerous or something that's the thing it really depends on like the phase of your life you're in in terms of dating for a while I was like okay am I just like making excuses for like all of this bad or behavior that I'm seeing as bad that is relatively innocuous like this this person saying or am I actually picking up on things that I don't want or that are red flags and I've realized after a lot of time and thought and this is different from person to person it's really tough to give advice for something like this because you might just not be ready for a relationship and like you're subconsciously making excuses for the people that are presenting themselves to you or what I've been noticing is

there are not this goes back to what I was saying before like the fact that relationships ever work out is amazing and there will be more people that are incompatible with you than there are people that are compatible with you and so if you're picking up on like a behavior that seems relatively innocuous i i would look at what that is like what what is it about it that is unattractive to you is it like a personality structure thing is it like a sense of humor thing is it like a you know like i can think of i went on a date with a guy that was like really lame but i was like making excuses for him and then he said that he was a libertarian and i was like nope and at the end of the day I knew I didn't I need a liberal man yeah but I was using the liberal libertarian fact as the main

the main thing but overall you're like just wasn't great I was never getting if I get a good read from a guy and I'm really excited about them and then they say something stupid I'm like I'm nine times out of ten I'm not gonna be like nope that's not it a lot of the time when I'm like nope that's not it I've already kind of been unsure about them so I I would you're looking for a deal breaker yeah I would pay attention to that I well and then thinking about this too like if it seems innocuous um I I have a problem with the word picky because I don't really feel like like most people are pretty fucking normal like yeah they're you're looking for a connection you're not really looking for like oh is he like tall and does he pay for things and blah blah blah like those are

all like I feel like nice to have things that you want because you just want to be respected and you want to be attracted to someone but at the end of the day there is just like this intangible indescribable connection that you have with someone and that's what the like she said like your gut instinct yeah and um I think a good point you make is just like maybe right now is not the time to date like maybe this is just like the universe telling you that you need to focus on something else yeah and we can't make that decision for you either no but I like and it's hard when you're dating when you're 30 because you just feel all of these pressures of like oh all of my friends are married or having kids and this is what is expected for me because

we've treated women like they expire at age 30 even though I have the best skin and body and everything that I've ever had yeah um and I probably will still look great for another 10 years yeah 15 years whatever the idea of 30 is changing we're still treating it like it's the end of our lifetime I know it's so and I mean like women are just trying to like make their way out of that expectation so it's annoying as fuck yeah but I mean there's definitely nothing wrong with like taking a break from dating because especially if you feel like if you feel like you've hit a wall and you're just like I can't fucking do this like take a break yeah take a break there's no harm in taking a break it's but also like if you're thinking like have i hit a wall the odds

are like maybe not i think you'll know when you hit a wall yeah for a while i hit a wall i took a month off and i felt better i came back and i was like all right i'm ready to go again there's nothing wrong with taking a break from it it's very exhausting these dating apps fucking blow but and we've talked about choice fatigue before yes of just like yeah there could be like one thing and you're like god yes yeah and I you know I relate to like not wanting to text very much before I meet someone like because someone can be great in texting there have been so many instances where I've been so excited about a guy over text and then I meet them and then like oh my god you're such a dud I was concerned about that with squints because I had been worn down so much by so many

guys that I was like okay they're great over text and then they do not say a word and he's like you like just really conversational yeah he's a cutie he is cute i it's i think that being able to look at situations like this deeper and not it's it's never and i'm not saying that this person is saying this it's never just a surface level thing it's never like am i jaded it's like there's i think a lot to dig into like what are you what have you been looking past in the past that maybe you should be paying closer attention to now and your subconscious knows and so it's picking up on these red flags is it that i'm jaded is it that um i my type has changed over time and i'm not looking in the right places like there's so many things that could be nothing that we say it's

going to be helpful really because it's different person to person but i think my bottom line and i think it was what you're also saying is just like look at it harder yeah because there's almost always more happening below the surface yeah and like sure maybe your gut is like oh yeah not this one but maybe it's saying not this guy because it wants you to look at you if that makes sense yeah I've like okay what's really going on here because I mean I've mentioned this before like my time not dating like I spent a minimum of six months not dating and it was I had the best time like i loved that time alone yeah and then we were in a pandemic and i spent even more time alone and then by then i was like um so i still don't want a boyfriend but i'm pretty fucking bored

and really horny remember that everyone was so horny this time last year what a time i'm never gonna forget how horny everyone was the summer of 2020 now there's all these pandemic babies jesus christ um but i was one of them so i was like you know what i just i want to have a good time because uh i have just like been in relationships for way too long so i'm just want to date and have fun and meet people and um that's what i did and then my boyfriend tricked me but swindled again yes god fucking damn it but i think that's also why i ended up working out is because it was a choice yeah it wasn't because i was like i need to be with someone it's just like it's a dangerous place to get in yeah and who among us hasn't been there

i can honestly say i haven't because i was so anti-relationship where you were like i need to get someone so long yeah and then i met my ex and then we were together actually that's it you've done a really good job you have done a really good job of like I need to find someone but I am watching a lot of my friends not a lot a couple of my friends settle for very bad behavior because they want to be in a relationship my therapist reminds me often that like other people's relationships like a dynamic that I would not want like that doesn't mean it doesn't work for them you know yeah totally like she's like some couples it's just part of their daily lives that they fight that's just how it is for them that doesn't mean they don't love each other or

have a good relationship i just see so much shit behavior and then for me i'm like if someone raised their voice at me i would hyperventilate the same no i but i like watch a lot of again not a lot a couple of my friends like be in situations that are so obviously problematic and they can recognize that it's so obviously problematic and they excuse it away that makes me sad and it's a lot of that is fueled by wanting to be in a relationship that sucks yeah i put up with a lot of bullshit me too much bullshit anna and i were texting about it this morning she was like i cannot believe with how much you have like dealt with i was like yep i spent a lot of time working on it in therapy yeah yeah and i i mean like i've never been in the space of like i want

to be in a relationship but i was excusing bad behavior with my ex for a very long time because i wanted to be with him specifically and that's fucked up and toxic um i have just like a fun question for you yeah um do you think you're a villain in anyone's life because that's a really good question i was thinking about the villain in my life which is obviously shoe man and i guarantee i'm the villain in my life in my ex's life totally really 100 i've done nothing wrong makes you the villain i it makes him probably feel better about his shitty behavior to excuse how i am and i think that he's probably convinced himself that i am the villain and he did a really good job of making me feel like the villain

for just being confused and lost and i never treated him poorly but i was lost and confused and because you were in your early slash mid-20s and you're like hmm do i want to marry this person that i've been with for this long or do i want to have experiences in like different experiences in my life exactly he and not even just with him just in in general who are you supposed to know who you are if you're never alone you're never alone we were together since i was 18 like i've i really i only knew myself as an adult that was with him and he didn't have that experience he had hooked up with a bunch of people while we were together he cheated on you yeah and like when we took breaks and we were not going to see other people he was sleeping with other people and i

wasn't and so like he got to get that experience of seeing other people and but he figured out a way because he was very very good to me toward the end of the relationship and i was very lost and i think that that was the perfect foot for him to leave off on because he got to leave the relationship knowing that like he did his best and it was me that fucked it up and i was distant and i was lost and i was i was distant and lost but it was because of all of this past shit that we had gone through so all i have to say i know for a fact that the easiest way for him to deal with the breakup was to villainize me yeah vilify me to vilify me because he disappeared blipped off and the knowing him how well i know him the only way that i know that he could have done that was

to make me a villain period and that's fine if you needed to do that that's fine i haven't i lost some sleep over it for a bit but i'm fine now i'm also ordering thai food right now i'm really hyped i can smell someone's like making something that smells so good that's what made me i was like i'm pulling up doordash and fingers i think i might order myself crab delight oh do it um okay I don't think I'm the villain in anyone's life besides oh maybe maybe shoe man but do you think um I think that he wants to live on his high horse of like yep I moved on but I don't really think that I'm a villain in his life I'm sure I'm a villain in someone's life I just don't know who yeah that's fair I mean like there's a lot of people like all through college people would

be villains in my life and they probably like didn't know that i existed so it's always interesting to think about we're ready for our sex fact of the week sex factor of the week this is our last one of this fun article i've been using this 11 sex facts from glamour magazine and it has been delightful served us at least 11 episodes at least 11 well we we would do two per episode this is the last one the most it's kind of no it's not funny it's kind of fucked up the most common cause of penile rupture is vigorous masturbation what's penile rupture well let's look it up it sounds like that sounds just like ejaculation but i know it's not yeah penile ruptures okay vigorous masturbation this is what mayo clinic says about penile rupture

mm-hmm oh it's fracture oh the most common way you can fracture your dick is from masturbating too hard yes during an erection the penis is engorged with blood that fills two cylinders corpora cavernosa if an engorged penis is bent suddenly or forcefully the trauma can rupture the outer lining of one of the two cylinders this can result in a penis fracture i don't have a penis but my penis hurts my penis hurts too and i also don't have a penis wow there was an episode of gray's anatomy where two people were um it was mick steamy and meredith gray's sister were having sex and she broke his penis and i didn't know that that could happen but since and i hadn't heard about it for years i actually don't know i feel like it's probably

like how like a tailbone rupture is you just kind of have to like wait it out but um I know somebody that got their pee pee broke and it is crooked it's crooked now permanently yeah huh very interesting I'm just remembering a time where I had sex with someone with a crooked penis he might have had a penile rupture yeah it was shaped like a hook maybe he masturbated too hard I would not be surprised if either of those things happened okay thank you for listening yeah yeah it's time today's flown by yeah it has flown by we love you at the holy hour on twitter tiktok instagram holy hour podcast at gmail.com email us um subscribe to our patreon if you would like subscribe to our patreon we would love if you did make sure that it's the right picture there's

another podcast that has a similar name and they have better seo so make sure you go through our they're also called the holy hour but it's probably uh for jesus stuff it's actually spelled holy yeah um so make sure that you're subscribing to the right one our picture is on it um and we love you our children our our children we're not saying uh do you want to i would like too okay we love you our children are we doing it we're harmonizing children it sounds kind of like mr rogers don't you want to be my neighbor Thanks for watching!