The Hoely Hour - E49 Finding Mr. Tinkle

Episode Date: July 23, 2021

The girls cover a topic they should have covered a long time ago: squirting. And also, the refreshing lemon-lime soda, Squirt. Liz and Amelia read some of the JUICIEST of all time listener emails. It's like they were written by M. Night Shyamalan. SCHADENFREUDE! A beautiful, delicious feeling described by the Germans in a single word. Liz will die on the hill that Pisces men are a disease. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

One, two, three. Welcome to the holy hour. Oh, okay. See, I told you he's the clumsy one. Gatsby just really wanted to be a part of the intro this week. Okay. Oh, he's got a Velcro baby now. That's exciting, you guys. All right. Ready? Yep. One, two, three. Welcome to the holy hour i'm amelia samson and i'm liz ball i just bumped the fuck out of the mic but i don't think it made a noise i i'm not wearing the headphones so i don't know let's do it one more time just for good mesh okay okay all right ready yeah one two three welcome to the holy hour i just stared at you i was like yeah she says amelia samson and then i said we're having a we're having a moment okay let's try

four times the charm yeah for sure oh yeah welcome to the holy hour i'm amelia samson and i'm liz ball fuck yeah i was worried i was gonna fuck that up again it's like who knows tried to not make eye contact with you while i said the name of the podcast because i don't know if that's been screwing me up i don't know why i get so nervous to do it it's perfect that this is the holy hour because i get the giggles like i'm in church every time we do our intro that's very true also i'm wearing a heaven I noticed that it says if there's no bingo in heaven I'm not going I ordered this I saw this at like two in the morning and sent it to Liz and I was like should I buy this and she was like

absolutely and then I didn't and then one night when I was drunk I posted on Twitter one like and I'll buy this shirt did I like it I think you did I got like 15 likes and so I bought it and here so you bought 15 of them I got 15 of them oh my god it's the stupidest shirt ever but I love it so much you made it into a crop top right I did I cut it mm-hmm it's if it's not a crop I saw a tweet this week um that said uh wardrobe options are either tiny shirt or giant shirt oh it's like yes I we both went with the tiny shirt today I know okay I was so I walked into Liz's apartment today and she's like dressed to the nines your makeup looks so good thank you I did it very quickly it looks very good I woke up from a nap and I still feel like I am in a different dimension

you know those naps i would like to take a nap yeah i know what you mean people on our patreon know that i look like i just rolled out of bed because i did never felt better i really need a nap today i had a meeting at 9 a.m today that was my first 9 a.m meeting in like six months that's i always think it's so rude when people put a meeting on your calendar at nine i have a recurring one on wednesdays at 8 15 ew i know it's because people are like in a bunch of different time zones I was just about to say my client is on the east coast and the whole team that I work with is on the east coast they all have a standing meeting every single day at 7 a.m and I was like I just wrote to them I'm not doing that yeah I was like sorry can I you just like fill me in

yeah they were like yeah they're all really cool send me a voice note it's like I'm completely useless before noon everybody everybody in my life knows that so 9 a.m was rough today so I had to take when I can take like a hard nap when I took Adderall you know that it's a special kind of sleeping yeah um this weekend uh Amelia and one of her boo things squints uh slept over at my house that was our first sleepover that's like our first full night sleepover was in your living room um they told me that they would wait till one of them sobered up enough to drive home and then because we don't drink and drive here no we do not um and i was like okay so the air mattress for them and amelia kept assuring me she was like we're gonna be leaving in like a few hours

i do that every time i don't know like just sleep amelia it's gonna be okay especially here they left at like 10 yep i think i woke up still 10 a.m i woke up at six went to the bathroom and grandpa was in the hallway looking at me like what why are you here again he just loves to lay in the hallway too I don't know why uh but yeah I I always have the weirdest dreams when I sleep in your apartment I don't know why it's the second time that I've had a full it might be the alcohol because both times I've slept here I've been very inebriated but I have the weirdest I had a dream that there was a huge party in your apartment that was pretty exciting we were at a party we were at a that's true we celebrated a birthday and we were at my apartment after that and before

it was rooted in reality yeah but it was especially weird because I was dreaming in the room that the dream was happening in so I woke up very confused if there was actually a party of the three of us it was a little party true we were all very we climbed onto my roof that was such a bad idea it was but it was cool I forgot about it until today oh shit when i was walking by and i was like oh yeah we climbed up there i really that whole night felt like a dream you know it was a very drunk night it was also i don't know it was also like everyone was vibing having a good time and then suddenly everyone was gone yeah and i was like oh okay why did that happen everyone like disappeared the bars close at two now everyone left at like

11 50 oh and then Amelia and I found an unopened white claw on the sidewalk and she was like should we take it home and I was like yeah we should take it and I it's in my fridge right now I put it in my back pocket like we were stealing from a store yeah you turned around and you like bet over and you're like put it in my pocket it fit perfectly it did I big back it's a black cherry white claw oh god that was i don't know i remember feeling so proud of us i was yeah we came out profitable tonight for some reason i was like what if this is laced and you're like it's unopened it's good that your brain is trained to be like to be suspicious of everyone and everything yeah you never know you never know i learned all these tricks of the trade going to festivals of how to

like reseal water bottles because you know how like they like test it to see if the water bottle open there's ways that you can reseal water bottles so when we took it I remember thinking is it possible to unpop a can of white cloth but there isn't so we're good um I when I went to EDC the one and only time I went I only went for one day um and I had like a camelback like backpack for water and it was i had put some water in there and i like drank it all and i didn't know that people like i it was very dumb of me to not understand that people will like put molly water in their like bag or in their water i don't know damn and then the woman who was like doing the security check stuff because they like lift your bra up and shake it to see if you have anything

oh my god yeah they like get real invasive to make sure you don't have drugs everyone does though and they know that i was just about to say it's edc yeah um but she was like is there anything in there and i was like well there was and she's like what was it and i was like ice water like i was so confused and she was just like she was i think her seeing how confused i was she was like she's fine yeah and then i went in there and i did drugs i put molly in my water is molly water a thing that people actually do or is that just like a thing that's in rap songs i think they do well and then i didn't know what molly water was it's literally just molly and water yeah i had to text my brother i was like what

is molly music it's just molly and water is it just so you take it okay more slowly maybe stay hydrated barely while taking your molly i guess i don't know is that my phone yeah it's blowing up you're so popular not really weird i uh had to unsign up for a workout class and notified me oh very important stuff very important stuff that was your phone i was like wow no it's behind me because it always distracts me uh that's why you were both staring at mine yeah um so i was gonna ask you have you heard of the phrase schadenfreude yes i like have been thinking about schadenfreude stuff like all week why um i well so the first time i heard it was mr liz was telling me about it is that how you say it i don't know i always thought it was

schadenfraud schadenfraud should we ask youtube just so we are not um misinformed yes schadenfraud how to say how to say schadenfraud okay let's see um okay schadenfreude schadenfreude all right um so i'm probably not gonna include that yeah so schadenfreude schadenfreude we're doing our best schadenfreude um is when you get pleasure from someone else's misfortune and i was experiencing much of it uh reading old glass door reviews from a job I hated yes I was like I'm just gonna check in because I'm curious and uh they were all very bad they were getting worse and worse since I left and I was like yes that is so there's something about reading about somebody going through

something painful that you went through sometimes when I'm bored I'll go this is a very stupid anecdote but I like this one time I was way too high like way too high I that kind of high that you thought you were gonna die yep I was reading this website of how to get unhigh and I remember thinking when I was that high I was like I wish that I was reading this not high and it was it was saying like you're probably really scared right now and I was like i am i am really scared so i'll go back and read those websites of how to get on high when i'm sober because i'm just like fuck that fucking sucks for those people doesn't it they think they're gonna die they're not i can't read when i'm high oh like i'll be scrolling through twitter

and if it's like a complicated sentence if it's like a complicated sentence it my brain can only process one word at a time and i'm like what the fuck what is this saying it's so confusing that makes sense um I also wanted to mention whilst on Twitter lately I've been pissing people off for the dumbest things I replied to someone's tweet that she had said like some some like guy texted her a weird message of like what's the perfume that you wore like I want to give it to this girl who's my new girlfriend even though you and I didn't work out or something and she's like we went on like one date and I didn't want to date him so she's like you could just ask and it doesn't have to be like a weird exposition like yeah anyways um and then uh she basically said

I know I shouldn't have like dated a water sign or something and then someone was like what sign is he and he said she said Pisces and I said Pisces men are a disease and people got so mad and i was like have you been on the internet like yeah can you calm down yeah um and then and then people were like so mad about that and then someone else i was like okay i'll fix it for the non-astrology people men are a disease and some guy said um i hope you're unable to have children and i said oh my god me too fingers crossed yes that's the best response like fuck you whatever what the fuck I missed this whole interaction normally you tap me in when people oh I sent it to you but I don't think you saw it you sent it to me mm-hmm I said I'm being bullied

where on Twitter no I know you sent it to me on Twitter though yeah I'm really sad I missed that it was spicy you would have enjoyed it what day was that uh I don't know a while back this weekend oh i'm so upset yeah it sounds like you held your own that's my girl someone was like people who believe in astrology are a disease oh go fuck yourself and then i said um i was like hey did you know that you can let other people enjoy things and you don't have to like it yourself like they're like how are you enjoying this i'm like i don't know i'm having a great time watching you guys get really mad about something that does not matter that's the people cannot figure out what is worth their energy and what isn't just get the fuck over it i keep seeing this like trend on

tiktok where it's like what's the most like chronically online thing that you have experienced and uh like interaction and if you don't know what we mean by chronically online it's like people who are always looking for something to be mad about and the best example i can think of that i've seen recently is this girl was like she posted like a tiktok making fun of theater kids we're two theater kids we can appreciate that shit yeah fuck we made our kids are annoying yeah and then someone was like this is offensive because theater kids are coded for autism and someone was like someone was like no she can't be coded like she can't be like she's not making fun of them because she's autistic and she's like i'm not autistic and then uh the comments under that were like someone can't

be like autism coded because they're not a character like characters are coded for those things i don't know what the fuck so i just keep seeing more and more shit like that where people are like you're being prejudiced against pisces i'm like yeah uh-huh my aunt according to you it's made up so why are you mad right yeah yeah using their own frame of reference there should be no reason to be upset i'm clearly being facetious right like being intentionally inflammatory as a joke people need things to be angry about again there's a lot of things to be angry about and me saying pisces men are a disease isn't one of the things y'all should be wasting your time on though i am speaking the truth it feels i i will die i want it on my gravestone

yes he's been a disease hell yeah lisboa yeah i don't know i just like if i had the energy to get upset about shit that didn't matter like that i feel like i would have it pretty good yeah i just don't have like i just don't have the energy i'm worried i'm i am too occupied worrying about shit that matters what were how do we get on oh uh shot yeah schadenfreude schadenfreude schadenfreude i love it's a very interesting psychological thing and it's universal people it's like slowing down to look at a car crash i and i don't feel that way unless it's warranted like it's not if it's like anyone's misfortune like if it's someone i don't like in this case my old job i hated working there i

don't like my boss like I jangle my keys around um that felt like it felt really good yeah yeah see other people hated I was like see it wasn't just me uh-huh uh-huh and now you know yeah yeah and you ain't gonna do anything uh there's something it's like um the same kind of thing with like kind of enjoying other people's drama oh yes i love other people's drama i think that that's why reality tv is such a thing i think it's because of schadenfreude i love that my personal life is not very messy and um i also like in i enjoy watching weird shit happen on the bachelor or the bachelorette you know fuck yeah

i do too i'm i'm a week behind i'm watching last night's episode i haven't seen it yet oh my god i'm watching it tonight i made one joke about not watching it without mr liz and he got like the closest he's ever been to being mad at me that's serious business liz men that watch the bachelor franchise are a special breed like my i tried watching the bachelor with my ex and it was he was always a good sport about shit that he didn't want to do that was important to me except for the bachelor like he could not sit through the bachelor he was like this is so fake blah blah blah it's like regardless yes we know it's so much fun to watch have a good time yeah just enjoy it you fucking watch game of thrones you think dragons are flying around in the sky

no we're not we're not sitting here watching it because we think it's good we just enjoy other people's drama yeah schadenfreude my german family is going to call me and be like you need to stop trying to say it like that schadenfreude um me and squints are gonna watch squints and i i'm trying to get better about that squints and i are going to start watching the bachelorette together because he enjoys the bachelorette and oh since we recorded last i signed a lease oh yeah Amelia's gonna have a whole ass place three bedrooms herself yeah so fucking excited hopefully soon when are you moving in August 1st I get the keys so I'm gonna start moving shit in I'm like one month is uh yeah that's two weeks away oh shit well I'm gonna be gone yeah it'll

be like a slow move like because I'm taking a lot of my parents furniture that they need until they move so because my parents are leaving um they're going to Florida for the majority of the year so I'll be taking like the dining room table and like the couch the tv stuff like that that they use so I'm not going to be really fully moved in until October but I'm gonna hopefully get to a point where I can stay there like by the end of August I'm really excited I'm so excited too and hopefully i'll get a car soon and we can record at your place i'm only gonna be like 15 minutes from you now it'd be so nice to just not have um interruptions oh we love we love our mascot but sometimes some days when he's not this good it's really frustrating yeah um what was i

gonna say about you moving oh speaking of august we are taking august off um i think i mentioned that in the last episode but i'm not sure but we're still gonna have like stuff for you um that's tbd yeah we'll figure that out we'll have at least one full episode ready for you guys but um we'll still have like shorter little fun things for you guys each week yeah but fun fact we've never taken a break it's been over a year we've had like a couple of weeks where we've just been busy but we've never taken like time off when we were early on we I think the longest we went was like a week yeah and a half or something I feel like two weeks I'm leaving the kids with a babysitter for the first time like yeah it's a weird feeling I'm like wait but it's Liz and I

both have so much going on in August it just felt right to do that but yeah we're gonna try to figure something out for yeah we'll definitely have some fun stuff for you guys but they won't be full-length episodes like our usual yeah let us know if there's anything you like want during august it's we don't do seasons like other podcasts do like podcasts will take a few i'm sure talking i'm mansplaining podcasts to people that listen to podcasts but like i don't i don't listen to other podcasts i've been told i go through phases yeah i mean i listen to like crime podcasts but um that's a stupid that's a bad thing to admit on here it's like being an author and saying you don't read no like i think it makes sense to not consume the content that you're putting out yeah

yeah similar you know yeah i watch a lot of podcasts on youtube so but it's it kind of feels like i'm cheating because it's like podcasts are supposed to be listened to when we started moving to video i was like this doesn't really because everybody was asking us to do video i'm like are podcasts making a swing back to like from being just an audio thing because that was the thing about podcasts that was the draw was that it was just you could just like have it on in the background yeah everybody's asking for video content now but anyway all of these podcasts maybe it's kind of both like three months off i think it is kind of both but it wasn't like that feels like a new thing i think tiktok's been huge for video content for podcasts yeah

i've learned about a lot of there's a podcast called frdi i think they pronounce it freddy i just learned what it stands for anyway um it's hosted by these two guys nick and cakes and i'm always sending liz videos from their tiktoks i think they're so fucking hilarious but there are some podcasts that lend themselves well to video i think that we'll once we get our video down pat we'll probably figure out a way yeah that like it'll lend itself well to video just we have two cameras set up right now we're figuring out how this works subscribe to us on patreon this is a good time to plug we have um full episodes video on our patreon um for our tier two subscribers tier one subscribers and tier two and all actually all of the tiers get early access 24 hours to our

episodes we used to release to the public on thursdays now we released on fridays and the patreon patrons get the episodes 24 hours early um and then we have the videos and then tier three we're gonna start doing uh monthly q a's on twitch question mark that's coming up actually by the time this episode comes out it might have already passed yeah um it will have it will have but that's another thing for our tier three subscribers so um it's in our link tree link tr.ee slash the holy hour i've been trying to memorize that nice thank you i'm like i don't even know it's in our it's in the bio yeah yeah it's in the tiktok instagram and twitter bio baby at the holy hour okay i'm done plugging um i did have besides like people's emails that i wanted

to read yeah the only other thing that we haven't talked about that i feel like is like right in our right up our alley is squirting oh yeah i don't think we've ever talked about squirting i don't think we have no um yeah thoughts your thoughts have you ever squirted um so when you think of squirting you always think of like like projectile like a like a water gun yeah um and that's not always what happens and i think maybe i might have once but i i just was like super like wet after I came yeah and then and I was being fingered and it is possible I've like sat up and there's been like wet spots on the bed and I don't know if that's sweat or like or like sex juice sweater skirt sweater squirt that's hard to say say that five times fast sweat or squirt yeah it's

tongue twister we found a new tongue twister sweater squirt anyway I don't know if I ever have I so were you mid-thought because I'm about to dive on in okay so I was talking to um sunset has like he loves well okay so I was actually talking to I've heard this from a bunch of guys before I get into my sunset thought apparently the reason a lot of guys like squirting is because we get the immediate like gratification of seeing come and then there's a lot of this like you know a lot of women will fake orgasms just to like get it over with and a lot of guys that actually care are in their heads about that like is she faking what does she actually come so having that like feedback is hot to them i was talking to sunset and he said he like loves when girls squirt and

I told him that I can't I don't like I don't think I can I don't know he was like no I like everybody can so I watched I feel like that's like dangerous rhetoric I think so too but I watched a video it was porn question mark it was like kind of like a how-to yeah I'm just imagining like a YouTube video with like the the background music that's like all right guys it's like wiki how i'm gonna teach you how to squirt welcome back to my channel smash that subscribe button i'm gonna teach you how to squirt the david dobrik of squirting no no there's why not like cody co or i don't know i can't cody goes too pure to me yeah that's fair

um but so there's this man who i think that his whole thing is promoting sex toys i i can't really get a read on this man but his name is kenneth play he is a instructor of sorts and he had a video of how how you can make any woman squirt and it's a lot of g-spot clitoral stimulation at the same at the same time that is what i feel like i had going on you might have squirted i might have i just like and then i remember i asked and we both were like maybe might have happened perhaps i just like i remember when i was younger i was listening to kiss 106.1 and they were talking about squirting they had dr drew on for some reason and somebody somebody asked what squirt is like what's in it yeah and i feel like there's a debate like that it might be p there's

a lot of p in it apparently says dr drew oh let's see if the if the internet has any sort of answer are we doing our sex fact of the week early sex the weeks what's in squirt what is in squirt um so i googled what is in squirt i'm going to get some awesome ads from like squirt the soda it's a refreshing beverage duh poor squirt do you think that they did that on purpose no okay sometimes this is so bad sometimes my dad when he is talking about if my mom is like in the bathroom peeing he's like your mom's taking the squirt i was like dad do not ever say those words again to me and then he started laughing i'm like we're not thinking the same thing this episode is sponsored by squirt we've said squirt so many

times already there needs to be a better female ejaculation yeah female vaginal ejaculation vaginal emission vaginal okay this is what the government says is in squirt and this is a conclusion line so i don't even want to know what they dove into before this the the present data based on ultrasonographic bladder monitoring and biochemical analyses indicate that squirting is essentially the involuntary emission of urine during sexual activity although a marginal contribution of prostatic secretions to the emitted fluid often exists so it's mostly p it looks like p when it's coming out in porn i always pee before sex maybe that's why i don't squirt yeah me too you should pee before and after yeah you're gonna get a uti if you don't

yeah and that uti suck man yeah you know whenever i used to have sex with a new person i would get a yeast infection every single time really that has stopped happening changing your ph age that stopped happening let's give it up for my vagina figuring it out yeah let's give it up does it have a name no i used to call it mrs tinkle when i was a kid me and mrs tinkle are gonna go take a squirt oh my god oh no oh your camera clicked i heard it oh my god that was so fucking funny oh my god um what if the royal we when you were saying the royal we like we're gonna go yeah yeah it was you and mrs tinkle who's mr tinkle by the way we don't talk about mr

Tinkle. He walked out on the family. Never to be seen again. Finding Mr. Tinkle. That's the name of my dating life. That might be the name of this episode. Finding Mr. Mr. Tinkle. oh my god oh my abs hurt me too i'm sweating um um do you have a name for your vagina i don't and now i need to think of something that is as good as mrs tinkle um it needs to be something sassy i'm just imagining like talking dirty during sex like yeah put it in mrs tinkle you like that mrs tinkle i hate us that is the least tiny thing in the world i should do that with squints who'd be a good

sport about it i'll report back oh my god all right we do have some very interesting emails to read we do from you guys um do you have any that you want to read yeah okay i was shook when i read this one i haven't read it yet hi ladies i just listened to your cheating the musical episode and i wanted to share my story as someone who has both been cheated on and cheated myself but not in a textbook way i thought you might find my story interesting a bit of background my first boyfriend in high school had cheated on me with his ex within a couple of months of us dating and i broke up with him i didn't share details with my parents but they assumed i just wasn't willing to work for the relationship imagine like being in high school and your

parents are like you're just not willing to work for the relationship if i broke up with someone in high school my parents were like oh well don't get pregnant um anyways i got the relationships are about compromise and hard work talk implying that i had given up on my three month relationship too quickly the three months for a teenager is a long time that's like yeah three three month relationships in high school are like like five years five years adult years um this laid the groundwork for trust issues centered around relationships as well as guilt associated with giving up on someone that i apparently should have forgiven i then fell in love with a guy my senior year of high school and we started dating this was only my second

relationship but everything seemed great one day within the first year of the relationship he he asked me to plug his phone in I had this weird gut feeling gut instincts are guardian angels amen dash Amelia Sampson I don't I haven't read this yet but I already know where it's going and like the the balls to hand your girlfriend your phone while you're cheating on it you do not know where this story is going oh fuck yeah okay go I'm so excited and briefly glanced through the first few recent texts I know never a good thing and I'm not proud of it I saw that there was a number that he had texted goodnight precious to the night before fucking gollum who calls anyone precious um the number wasn't saved on his phone but i scrolled back through raunchy messages

including nude photos of his previous exes that he had sent to the this girl with statements like i didn't fuck this one but i wish i had i or i wish i would have i was in a state of shock and immediately confronted him about it yeah good he said that he never met this girl in person but that they used to talk on my space and recently reconnected he said that she was in an abusive relationship and that he was her only support system to help her get through it i'll go write about it in your diary also like you're lying no but yeah i mean like what the fuck she was in an abusive relationship that's really really fucked up to lie about and you're you're her only person yeah no no there's a fucking moron anyways guy uh he apologized and said he would never talk to

her again having the previous guilt of giving up on my first relationship too early i forgave him and we moved on after dating for two years he proposed and we were engaged a year before getting married it's important to note that i grew up in a religious home and wasn't intent at the time on waiting until marriage to have sex we fooled or oh and was intent at the time on waiting until marriage um we fooled around a bit in the first two years of dating which only consisted of him fingering me he had no desire for me to reciprocate in any way i actually never saw his penis even and never even saw him naked after we got engaged there was absolutely no intimacy whatsoever even when i asked for a hug or a kiss he would act like it was a huge request

that he would reluctantly comply with at the time i thought he was just trying to respect my desire to maintain my virginity i feel like i feel like he's gay yeah or let me let me finish reading this it's it's long but it's good okay um when preparing for the wedding he didn't see the importance of spending our wedding night together he thought we could just go back to our separate houses and begin packing for our honeymoon my parents ended up buying us a hotel room which my new husband and i awkwardly went to we initiated a bit of intimacy in which he went down on me for about three minutes. This was something I'd never experienced before and I of course loved it. He told me a week later that it was gross and he wouldn't do it again. This was as far as the

intimacy got on our wedding night. We traveled internationally for a year as an extended honeymoon staying with host families along the way. Fast forward to 11 months into our marriage and I was still a virgin. We had briefly attempted sex in the first month but because I'd never done it i was a little bit i was in a little bit of pain there was no foreplay slash lube he just immediately tried to put it in after he saw my pained face i think it scared him and that was the that was the last time we attempted intercourse i tried to initiate tons of times trying different tactics but he never showed any interest again i attributed some of the stress to traveling as well as staying in unfamiliar places constantly there was also extreme emotional abuse and

manipulation within our marriage but i won't go into detail in an effort to make this story a little more focused I swear we're getting to the cheating part but bottom line to say that this is not how I imagined marriage to be was an understatement in the 11th month he finally let me give him a brief blow job and a brief hand job then eventually to a blow job he would come almost immediately in my mouth and we move on with our day no cuddling no reciprocation when I brought up anything concerning reciprocation he said that he had done that in the first two years of us dating so it was his turn now i hate this guy this happened a handful of times and honestly at that point i was just happy that i was experiencing some level of intimacy with my

husband um within a few weeks of our one year anniversary once we got back to the states i and i was visiting my family i received a message request from a woman with the words you should know something about your husband this was the same woman who three years prior he had been sending nudes of his exes my heart dropped as i read screenshots between the two of them with him stating that he had been having sex with people while we were traveling one message said i got a blow job from the wife this morning had sex with the hot mom we're staying with in the afternoon and then fucked the 16 year old daughter right after that he said things i could have never imagined him saying and had not gotten and had i not gotten the screenshots i

don't think i would have believed it he went on to sum things up saying i fucked four women on this trip that aren't my wife i was feeling so many emotions and i spiraled i didn't eat for days i wouldn't talk to anyone i knew the messages didn't have any truth behind them because i was with him 24 hours a day while traveling it wasn't possible but i still had no idea why he would say these things especially as someone who never wanted or cared to have sex with me like the overcompensating is insane to me that's why i'm like maybe he's gay or asexual fucking shook and like trying to overcompensate um so there's more my parents obviously noticed that something was wrong and i told them i created a list of demands for my husband including seeking counseling and he

apologized and complied with them he said he didn't know why he did it and i don't think i'll ever know the only thing he did about counseling though was to talk to the pastor that married us not seek professional help but since it had been drilled into me from day one not to give up on a relationship i stayed and we moved to california together once in california we started making friends he climbed and became extremely close with another climbing with another climber a lesbian woman i was suspicious of them despite her sexual orientation because they would go for go on long climbing trips together sometimes overnight and he would specifically not want me to go to curb the suspicion i initiated a friendship with her wait so i know that never

works i'll talk about that later i told her that my husband and i had never had sex and she was appalled this was when the cheating started with her i justified it in my mind at the time that since he never wanted intimacy with me and because she was a woman and i considered myself to be straight that it was okay i do of course realize now that it wasn't and i'm not proud of it in any way i never had an emotional connection to her outside of a friendship but i desperately wanted to feel good and wanted to and wanted and sexually attractive and she gave that to me this only happened a handful of times and we agreed that it shouldn't continue after another couple more months more of more emotional abuse with him i ended up initiating

the separation between my husband and i i hated doing it but i finally gave him an ultimatum saying that either he could agree to get couples counseling slash therapy with me, or I would leave. His answer, I don't want to do counseling, and I won't do it. When I asked if he wanted time to think about it, he said, I don't need time to think about it. I know I won't ever do that. So I left, and I was divorced at age 22. My ex-husband never found out about what I had done with the woman, partly because if he did, I would have feared for my safety. After the divorce, he threatened me multiple times and demanded I pay him back for money he spent on the honeymoon. I essentially paid him off to stop harassing me, and I'm grateful that this terrible chapter of

my life is over. I tried to streamline my story a bit, but I'm sorry this was still so long. I absolutely love you guys and the podcast. It's gotten me through so many long drives, and I love how openly you're willing to discuss personal topics. You'll never know how encouraging you both have been to me we love you fucking love you holy shit what a tale there is so many whirlwind layers to that story first of all when you said that's where the cheating started with her i thought i didn't realize that she cheated on him with the climbing friend i i read that or i interpreted that as he cheated on her with the climbing friend yeah so she she cheated on her husband with the woman and here's my theory I think that he was so close with her because

with the climbing woman yeah because she is open about her sexuality and I think that he is very closeted I wonder all of this behavior seems closeted to me I wonder if the author of this has seen what he's up to now I mean like I don't encourage looking but I wonder if she knows yeah because it'd be interesting to know well and then also like not wanting to go to counseling or therapy like when you do go to therapy and counseling like it's going to get peeled back if you are not straight like especially if you're like gay and closeted yeah that has to come out eventually yeah uh one time when I was in college I and I was in a serious long-term relationship um a guy who later came out as gay would tell people that i was cheating on my boyfriend with

him and like tell them like graphic sexual stories about me i was like one you thought i wouldn't hear about this and two like why would you pick me like yeah i have a boyfriend that i'm constantly talking about like pick someone else pick anyone else it pissed me off that was it's like the it's damaging to my reputation yeah in a lot of ways right and it's like it's not like it's victimless like i understand that you're like still not comfortable with coming out about your sexuality but like it fucking sucked to learn that you're like using me as a beard yeah i mean using anybody as a scapegoat for a situation fucks like it's like the guy that stole that guy that i went colleges with identity and that guy had a girlfriend yeah he was using his identity to

hit on all of these girls yeah like that's just like bringing somebody into your insecurities to mask whatever you're going through might feel victimless because like well i'm just using their name but it's like no that that fucks with people like how can you mentally be like yes this is this is a normal and acceptable thing to do like i don't know it's so it's so fucked i when the author of this mentioned that they um friended the the climbing friend to try to like make sure that she felt better about them being friends i that is such a micro part of this and not at all the issue of the you know but i've been wanting to talk about this for so long like the idea that like oh well if i'm friends with his friends then like he won't like they won't we'll be friends so

they won't fuck me over has proven to be incorrect so many times in my life i have worked so hard to become friends with girls that i was insecure about in college and those exact girls were who my ex cheated on me with it doesn't make a difference if somebody wants to be slimy they're going to be slimy regardless of your association with the girl it's fucked it's fucked it's all everyone is all about enlightened self-interest you know like i think that the easy thing to do is like to think well if they like me if i like show face and they like me then they won't they'll feel guilty and they won't do it not the case like every everyone has self-control you know you're in charge of your own choices yes so if that's what they're gonna choose to do

you can choose to leave and tell them to get fucked get fucked anyway thank you so much for writing this yeah that was a fucking doozy yeah it it was a roller coaster i remember reading it and i was like what what i remember or not i remember i'm glad that i didn't read that before you just i liked your genuine reaction that was like watching like a tarantino film i was like where is this going i think you might like the other one i have saved too okay let's do it hi liz and amelia thought i'd share my craziest story about my exes don't ask me how i get myself into these situations but here we go so for some background info these two exes five and three year relationships with me have known each other since before i dated the second one for three

years as we were all in the same scout group the first one cheated on me multiple times my fault for trying to trust that it wouldn't happen again the second one began developing a whole bunch of mental health issues shortly after we moved in tried to support her through these and not the reason we broke up good good clarification important clarification um the three-year relationship ended about four years ago now and fast forward to lockdown in august 2020 and i get a group message from the two of them that and as i hadn't spoken to either of them for years i'm just looking at the message thinking what have i gotten myself into turns out they have become friends february 2021 i get a message from girlfriend number one who since we broke up has

gotten engaged uh had had a kid with a drug dealer prior to their breakup okay geez um asking if I'm still in love with her told her I wasn't but her asking me that seemed her told her I wasn't but her asking me that seemed a little sus as that sort of manipulation is the sort of thing I would have expected from ex number two I have no doubt that she put her up to it and despite her denying it whilst I can't say for sure I feel pretty confident in my assumption as about a week or two later they made their relationship facebook official love the podcast so these two women started dating each other years after dating this guy oh my god oh i'm sorry for assuming it was a man it might not be a man holy

hold on i know i need to reprocess but hold on okay i need to read the first paragraph so so okay so these two exes knew each other since before they did the second one okay so he dated the first one and the first one knew the second one prior to him dating the second one yeah so they just knew each other and then they became friends after this like the author was no longer dating either of them like years later and it's because they started dating the two women holy shit well and then this i think the the fun part too like the funny part to me is like the author was like um this isn't behavior i would have expected from x number one it's behavior or like a question i would expect from

x number two and x number two probably sent that secret message oh for sure on behalf of the x number one oh yeah so funny holy hell wow what a fucking doozy that's this is a good time for a psa um when y'all write us an email if you're comfortable with it if you can throw your pronouns in the email as well so that we don't um misgender you when we're talking about these stories we always want to be able to represent y'all um how you should be represented and spoken about so if you just throw your pronouns in an email that you send us that would be very very helpful yeah again if you're comfortable with yeah if you want to share your pronouns yeah so those were the two emails that I wanted to read you okay I wanted to ask you okay so for

a little bit of context this probably won't be a very long convo um I hooked up with a guy like at the beginning of the new year in 2020 um it's a guy that I have known for a while and we were friends and then we like abruptly weren't and then we reconnected when i was with my ex still and he like confessed his love for me i was in la and he lives in la now okay i remember who you're talking about yeah so and then i told him like oh i'm actually with somebody and then he disappeared unfollowed me on everything blah blah blah drama all drama he's an artist which is getting me to the point of bringing this up wait what's his sign that's a good question actually his birthday is in I could probably I could figure that I could figure that out really

fast because he's famous so I can just google it um his birthday is September 1st Leo no Virgo stop so I broke up with my ex this is just an important timeline for the situation I broke up my ex october of 29 no september of 2019 for like the first run of our breakup and this guy what are we gonna call him oh man i didn't even think about a nickname for him virgo virgo we're just gonna call him virgo virgo man virgo uh was on tour because he is a musician with a large following now which let me tell you has been painful to watch because he has dipped in and out of my life so much that I'll just be like watching MTV and his song will come on in the background of a show and I'm like ah I don't want to hear this so he was touring and I had just broken up with my

ex and I was like I'm gonna go see Virgo on tour like why not because he was playing at a little venue in Seattle so I got tickets last minute popped in waited for him after the show just to say hi and it was this like movie moment where he was like saying hi to his friends and family after the show and saw me and then double took on me and like broke away from the people that he was talking to you were like i'm like hey and he was like oh my god and like it was just like really cute moment and he was like i can't believe you came it's so good to see you how long has it been i'm like i spent a few years you like kind of blips off the face on the air and then he was like i'm coming he's like after tour i'm coming back um for winter break we should get drinks and

i was like sure whatever you're never gonna reach out and he ended up breaching out and we reconnected in like the best way we had so much fun we just like sat and talked in my car for like five hours one night and we were like laughing the whole time I have a video of him in my phone just like I don't I just like loved him and we he ended up extending his trip so that we could spend more time together he extended his trip by a day we ended up having sex and when I was leaving his hotel he was like you have got to come down to LA to see me he's like like you like within the next month I can't not see you for a long time and I was like okay say less so I left on the drive home which is getting me to why I'm bringing up this topic I turn on the radio and as

I'm leaving his hotel his song is on the radio and it was such a fucking flex I was like fuck I just fucked that guy. It was a really good feeling. I would feel so like cool, but also so like, I'd be like, oh my God, it's like a sign. Yeah. Oh God. Like enamored. I'd make it into something.

Oh my God. It was it. Yeah. I should have. It turns out. So after he begged me to come down to LA for the next month, I came down to LA and he ghosted. he just like never hit me up when i was down there and it was fine because i have a lot of friends in la like i was fine i wasn't like wandering around lost like i planned this trip

because you requested it pissed he ended up apologizing he i never heard from him after that and then two months later he sent me this very long apology that he's like been in the rut blah blah blah i'm like why do guys always do that they like come up with like some extravagant excuse and you're like okay communicate that in the moment because it doesn't mean anything to me now and i just think you're lying exactly it's like don't the fact that he begged me to come down there please so you ain't shit it would be one thing if i was like hi i'm coming to see you and he was like this bitch is crazy i like didn't want to come and then i came because he asked so i got ghosted i flew to a different state to see a man and got ghosted regardless i got my

biggest sex flex out of that encounter driving away from his hotel and hearing his song on the radio so I wanted to talk about what your biggest sex flex my biggest sex flex and I had a hard time thinking about this it's a tough one I still didn't officially come up with any answer because the one you texted me was good I mean that might be the only one that I had and that's a strong one my my flex is not really like sexual but i don't care if you agree with me or not but i feel like every man that i've dated will never date anyone as attractive as me and they haven't but i mean that makes me feel good fucking flex i asked a few of my girlfriends this question and one of them said that her biggest sex flex was that every single guy that she has given a blow

job too has said that it has been the best blow job they've ever gotten that's amazing it's it's a great one what a phenomenal compliment I I will say I'm very good at being on top oh but when you're dating a top it's hard to be on top but to know that you're good at being on top that's a sex looks it took a while for me it took some experimenting so I'm glad that I was able to experiment with someone like yeah i i was in college like when i was like let's i'm gonna get a little more interesting with the sex i'm having because i've been doing missionary for too long um i'm gonna spice it up and uh that's i was like you know what i'm gonna try it out and i continued to practice the same person and was able to get good at it and i enjoy it too

so it's more about like i like being able to see what's going on yeah and like watch their face that's a good sometimes when you're in missionary they're like on top of you and you can't like see their face i'm like i want to watch it happen yeah yes and know that like look me in the eye feeling that way yes exactly i love being to see your face so i feel a little like i'm starting to realize i think i'm a little like switchy which is surprising to me and i think it's because squints is kind of more submissive and he said it too like i've taken more of a dominant role on in bed i mean i've always seen you as kind of probably pretty bratty yeah is what i've assumed and like a lot of brats are switches so interesting yeah i'm learning so much

that makes sense um do we have a sex fact i mean we talked about the squirt should we get another one oh yeah that was an early sex fact should we just get another one just for good match yeah might as well i'm gonna read two because the first one is just like stupid the record for the most wait hold on sex factor of the week the record for the most female orgasms is 134 in one hour in one hour that's more than two a minute oh that sounds painful that sounds like she was faking can you prove it well maybe if she was hooked up to like a machine is this guinness book of world records because some of those are made up that's true okay but the actual sex fact that i'm going to read in several countries some new brides place tiny

bags containing chicken's blood into the vagina prior to intercourse to prove the hymen was intact before marriage in other countries women have placed congealed sheep's blood in their vaginas for the same purpose well for what queens i'm that hurts my feelings just so hold on so well because they they'll believe like if you if they're ultra religious they'll believe if you don't believe that you're not a virgin that's really really really really fucked up and also you can have sex and still have a hymen I have a friend that that happened to she had to get it surgically removed because it was becoming an issue yeah holy fuck it's a it's like I don't know wow and I my mind broke I told the story to my friend when I was in like fifth grade

like a i went to the bathroom and like a little flap of skin came out and i think i'd like fallen off a bike or something and um then i was bleeding a little bit and then like a few months later i got my period and my friend was like liz you probably broke your hymen yeah i was like oh oh well and then i've also heard that it doesn't break it just stretches hymens yeah oh and then the stretching is what bleeds i guess interesting it's funny that we like also don't know no i mean like i because i think i broke my horseback riding i feel like that happens but i also might have broken it putting a tampon in yeah i mean who knows i'm gonna why do hymens why does the hymen exist okay why does hymen bleed when it breaks the bleeding

is youngwomenshealth.org this feels legit an org the bleeding is caused from the hymen stretching you're right and usually is just a small amount of bright red blood some women are born with extra hymenal tissue that covers more of the vaginal opening so penetration can be painful and there tends to be more bleeding there you go and then you have to have it removed what's mine still going i used to do this um when i didn't want to go to bed when i was a kid i would do this thing that my parents started calling the german disc jockey i have no idea what you're about to tell me where i would just like start like speaking in fake german and one of the german the german words that i would say i was like 10 was hymen and i didn't know what a hymen was at that point

and it would always make my parents laugh so hard and so i kept saying hymen and eventually when i got older I learned what a hymen was and I was like oh these assholes they were just like look at this fucking idiot it's so rude when our parents like laugh at our our innocence and confusion yeah I haven't I can't remember if I told you this there's been several occasions where I'll remember something and like my I remember asking my mom something like what does this mean and she'd be like i don't know which is such a great yeah like when i was watching bring it on for the first time like you know and they're like i'm sexy i'm cute i'm popular like when they when she says i'm i swear i'm not a whore yeah and i was like what are they what's a whore and then my

mom was like what i'm like they said they said i swear i'm not a whore and then she's like i don't know what you're saying that's brilliant I'm like taking parent notes yeah she's like I don't you're not saying a real word that's so funny I most recently remembered asking my parents I was like um is shut up a swear word and then they were like yes it is it's a bad word never you shouldn't say it then you get older and you're like you lied to me yeah i was lied to today that is such a good lie to tell a kid though um why not i i remember visiting my cousins um one summer and i called one of them a butt weasel and then they never stopped calling each other butt weasel i'm gonna

start calling people they used to more than i did that is a phenomenal insult a butt weasel that we've learned quite a few things this episode we've learned what squirting is yeah how to accomplish it maybe kind of um hymen what information yeah uh how to lie to your kids and get away with it just be like i don't know episode yeah i'll be a great parent because i don't know a lot of things fuck i think if i just don't ever want to explain something to my kid like how does a how does a television work you know like i don't want to i'm sure i could figure it out i'm not gonna fucking tell them you can make something up you could be like i don't know yeah there's a plethora of answers you can give there are so you know what this is a great request

from you guys um send us the bullshit your parents told the bullshit lies your parents told you growing up yeah that when you were an adult you were like be good hey wait a minute wow that's brilliant it's mostly just like my parents and my old I have an older brother he's seven years older him and his best friend who is like my brother used to just fuck with me all the time like um you know like the Chinese calendar like you have like the year of the rat the year of the so mine was the year of the cock and I didn't know what a cock was as a child obviously like cock like in their sexual sense so i used to like go around and just like tell everyone that i was born in the year of the cock and my brother and his friend was like you should tell everybody that go ahead

and tell everybody weren't you and i was i fucking was born in the year of the cock so proud of her we love to see it we love the year of the cock i don't know what mine was i think a sheep 91 yeah ram oh you're virgo sage um year of i'm old no i'm not i don't actually believe that the year of the goat year of the goat i am the goat you are the goat and i'm the cock baby yeah we are quite the duo we really are the cock and the goat and the year after the year of the dog oh wow because my brother was the year of the dog and i was like i want to be a dog that's a good year the year of the dog i need to learn more about what this all means but it feels like it would be a good year the astrology of the calendar

yes i don't know the cock the look the cock and the goat the cock and the goat we're not gonna go by our names anymore no welcome to the holy hour i'm the cock and i'm the goat the throat goat the throat goat not really i'm like i'll do it for a little while but if they're really into it then i'll commit hell yeah it depends on the vibe that's why you're the throat goat yeah yeah if it's clearly obviously foreplay i'll do it for a foreplay hell yeah but most of the time i don't want to stay down there for a long time no gotta get the show on the road i had braces for a long time and my jaw hurts oh my god yes they were blame blame my orthodontist okay got the lockjaw associated

not today i gotta get to i gotta i gotta you have to call it quits at some point yeah for your health if you want me to if you want me to be the throat goat uh give me a jaw massage or something pay for my chiropractor bills i think i'll do it i'll do it but you gotta you have to cough it up yeah so to speak okay on that note subscribe to our patreon uh follow us on instagram and twitter and tiktok at the holy hour and email us your piping hot tea at holy hour podcast at gmail.com i did the outro oh god i'm getting some practice in it's amazing i love it thank you for listening we love you it's easier for me to harmonize when i'm wearing these

hell yeah Thank you.