The Hoely Hour - E51 Babysode By Liz

Episode Date: August 27, 2021

WE'RE (almost) BACK! We missed you so much that we just couldn't wait to share a mini episode with you. Liz reads an update from a listener who wrote in months ago about her hookup who wouldn't let her reciprocate... what's that all about?! Liz shares some information about HSV2 that most people might not know. What are some of your favorite sex toys? We want to know! DM us or email us your favorites. Last, Liz reads one of her favorite short stories by author Simon Rich. See you next week, angels! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Welcome to the Holy Hour. I am Liz Ball and I'm hosting by myself today because this is a little bit of an unplanned episode. Amelia and I had briefly talked about it just because we miss you guys so fucking much. We definitely needed a month off because I went on vacation and got a new job and then Amelia moved out of her house and into a new place all by herself. So we've just had a really big month of big changes but we have missed you guys the entire time we were saying it feels a lot like we're leaving our baby alone for the first time and you're like oh my god am I a bad parent for leaving my child by themselves but uh after that I had also seen a tweet that was like if you don't

need a break from your kids you're not around them enough or you're not spending enough time with them. So it was a much needed break, but we just couldn't wait to talk to you guys again and give you something fun to listen to and tie you over until we are reunited and recording again starting next week. And we're very excited. So yeah, a lot of you have our new listeners and we were stupidly surprised that we were getting new listeners while we were out but um a lot of folks binge listened and have been following up with us and it's just been so great to continue hearing from you guys even while we took a break and like see how supportive you still are like and understanding that we needed to take a little time off so we could accomplish these big life

changes um grandpa is sitting next to me um he you'll probably hear from him through the episode per usual um but I don't know how much longer you guys are gonna be hearing from him because we're probably gonna start recording at Amelia's place she's setting up like a super cute studio um my broke ass needs a car so I could actually get there but it will be very nice to already have our equipment set up and ready to record and we can just get the ball rolling but um yeah we're really excited to come back to you guys um but I have a few fun little bits for you guys um I wanted to read a few like an update from a listener um and I actually haven't read the whole thing I like I wanted to react in real time to it so uh she dm'd me we had read one of um

we had read a listener's email about uh she had been like hooking up with a guy but uh he wouldn't have sex with her and she didn't mind that he like would only please her but she was like a little concerned why they weren't having sex and we were speculating the reasons why that might be and she has provided us an update I wish I could remember what episode it was I scrambled through like trying to read old descriptions of episodes and I don't think I like included this story in the description because I could not find it but here's the update update hello Liz I'm the one who wrote into the podcast about the guy who only pleases me and has declined sex and blow jobs thank you guys so much for featuring my scenario and giving such insightful feedback on this by

the way I'm 30 female and he's 29 male and we met on hinge in May so it's been over three months now and things got to the point where he started taking his dick out while doing things to me and getting himself off I was into it but my gut feeling slash dreaded thought was that he has an STD well it's taken me this long to get an answer and after chickening out several times I finally mustered up the courage and said something like I was wondering why you won't let me reciprocate to which he said I want to get tested before we go further or have sex he then went on to say something about a missed doctor appointment and how he couldn't get another appointment until November I was surprised at how quickly he answered he sounded rehearsed and prepared for

for when I would inevitably ask this I definitely looked at him sideways and said I'm sure you can go to walk-in places around here for an STD test that's true girl he said that's probably true and he's not thrilled about waiting until November either I asked him if he was worried he had something and he said no I just want to be safe now thanks to my friend group chat who now I'll listen to the pod smiley face we've determined that he likely already has an STD such as herpes and is trying to buy time before actually having to tell me i feel like if he was so conscious of having safe sex it would be fair to ask me to get tested as well which he didn't update part three our relationship is more than just physical connection and i've started to develop to

develop feelings for him it's a tough place to be in when i care about him i'm wondering if you could ask listeners to weigh in on how one goes about dating if you have an incurable highly spreadable std such as herpes i feel for him and truly don't know what i would do in his position my only options now i feel are to bring it up again and basically accuse him of lying or give him the benefit of the doubt and see how things play out i think i like him enough that it would not be a deal breaker but i don't love that he's probably lying to me do you agree that his answer is bs also what is his game plan to pretend after six months at the point he just discovered he had an STD what do I do either way I'm proud of myself for finally asking because it was certainly not

easy thank you for reading and I hope you're enjoying your month off can't wait till mass is back in session um thank you so much for following up this is so interesting and I'm actually the perfect person for you to be asking this to so I wanted to wait long enough before talking about this but I actually dated someone who had herpes HSV2 and they let me know before like anything happened and the way they handled that conversation I think that they did a great job he told me all of the information I needed to know and the way that he had herpes was his ex had cheated on him which is like literally everyone's worst fucking nightmare is someone you're in love with cheats on you and contract like contracts like an incurable std and passes

it on to you like I was infuriated on his behalf but he gave me all the information I needed to know um honestly like we we do have a past episode of uh like explaining herpes in a little bit more detail because Amelia was seeing someone who like thought that they had it, then like wouldn't go get tested and then like got mad that she didn't want to have unprotected sex with him. So I'm going to give you a lot of information. I'm trying to figure out how to explain it all. So with the person that I had dated for a short time, like they gave me all the information they had, which was just like you know how he found out um he has never had an outbreak but he had been taking medication for it the entire time and we always use protection and like even though he might not

have shown any symptoms if he felt like maybe the virus was active like because there were other symptoms like um if he had like he was very hyper aware of like oh I feel kind of sick today so like I would just like let's not have sex for a couple of weeks just so I can be safe because he wouldn't want to do the same thing to someone else that his past partner did to him and I mean I like I knowingly like decided to continue dating him um and I did my own research and like when I would go in for my regular um my annual pap like I let them know and like I never got it so um it can both it can be both hard and easy to get it um but it is very treatable and um honestly like the decision is yours you both like it's definitely on him to go get tested and get this information

and like be an adult and have this conversation with you because um America definitely stigmatizes herpes and other countries see it as like a skin condition and um everyone is different like the more research I did about it before like deciding if I wanted to be intimate with this person was um I learned that like not everyone like most people who have it don't ever have an outbreak and don't know that they have it which is kind of scary but um what else uh you could have one outbreak and never have it again um like it could be inactive like after your first outbreak like I and the reason I decided that I wanted to continue seeing this person and be intimate with them is because um I did my own research I just like I knew that they cared about me enough

to be safe um with me and be respectful of my boundaries obviously they were respectful enough to talk to me about it um and it's more common than you think so a lot of people who have it don't even know that they have it um but I do think that it is fucked up that if this person thinks that they have an incurable STI or STD to not take the basic steps like to confirm whether or not they have it and like treat it because medication is very effective with HSV2 so I mean just doing the bare minimum he's not doing it and uh I don't know maybe you should agree like let's go get tested together because like obviously you care about him and the decision is ultimately yours what you want to do but I like I'm annoyed on your behalf that he is not

doing the basic things to like go get tested and confirm whether or not he has it and this is the same circumstance that Amelia was in except this fucking guy was like um how come you won't have unprotected sex with me she's like are you fucking kidding me like we have been on two dates so um yeah just don't be like that guy if you think that you have herpes just go get tested for it you know go get you can get prescribed medication and it's gonna help and uh just educate yourself That's my advice for you. I hope this helps. You know, like he really needs to grow up a little bit. If he's going to be choosing to be intimate with someone, it is his responsibility to go get tested and have an adult conversation with you and do the same research that you're putting in. like you're asking an entire fucking podcast like he can't go like google like herpes or treatment or uh the nearest walk-in clinic to go get a test like it's not it's not hard to

be an adult and do those things and have a conversation with you if he is gonna continue to try and date people like he's gonna have to figure out how to have this conversation eventually and how he's handled it up to this point is disappointing if I'm being honest but we are all human we all make mistakes and like this is a hard conversation to have and maybe he's avoided getting tested because he probably knows the answer and doesn't want to confirm because now it's a responsibility like now he is legally obligated to tell people before he has sex with them that he knows he has an incurable STI but like that's what you should fucking be doing anyways my guy um if you're choosing to have sex with people I just think that is like

the bare minimum you can be doing uh to be respectful of other people's bodies so um yeah I hope this helps please continue to update us and um yeah like go learn some more stuff about STIs and STDs everyone should know all that they can about these things if they are um sexually active I think the knowledge is really helpful anyways someone else wrote to us about vibrator recommendations and I actually wanted to pass that question off to our listeners what are your favorite sex toys because I feel like I like I bought a bunch like at some point last year because I was just like you know you're in quarantine you're like I guess I'll just like jerk off in the middle of the day but also I only had like one vibrator and I was like what are other things

like and like it was like not easy to use during sex so I was like I want to use a more convenient vibrator and I bought a few different ones off of Amazon and I got a little bullet one and that's actually my favorite like it's very discreet and it is easy to hold and like it'll be easy for your partner to hold it just um the battery doesn't last very long which sucks but it's rechargeable which we love and um I don't know I think like since it's kind of like an Amazon brand I probably spent like ten dollars on it uh that's why the battery doesn't last very long um I'm sure if you bought it from an actual sex shop you could get one that like you know is industrial level bullet vibrator so um yeah I want to hear from all of our listeners like what are some of your

favorite sex toys where do you buy them like I'm looking for like high quality shit you know uh I want um non-toxic plastic I want uh something that is easy to clean um but I think this is yeah I want to do like a sex gift a sex toy gift guide and speaking of a gift guide um I have a little rant and some information for y'all um I like have been looking for like BDSM stuff that isn't like the stereotypical like black and red or like if you look up like cute BDSM color or whatever it'll be like baby pink or hot pink and I'm just those things are tacky to me like black is everyone looks good in black like I understand it'll be like easier to clean like you won't see as much with with black maybe I'm wrong I don't know but um it's just one of like

black and red I get it but like when did we all decide like these are the BDSM colors these colors are sexy um especially the hot pink like when I look up something when I look up cute I don't want to see like some baby pink like tacky cheap looking thing so I have made it my personal mission to find very like interesting and um unique like uh BDSM stuff like crops and whips and, um, collars and sets. And I started making a little gift guide. So I'm going to make that available to our Patreon subscribers. And, um, by the time this comes out, you guys will have access to it. And, uh, yeah, I like, I'm very stoked about some of the stuff I found. Um, because I think like all things like, you know, lingerie and like BDSM stuff, like it should be

able to be unique to you the same way that we like choose our unique style of clothing and um it's it's really hard to find things that like are interesting and uh flattering on each person because like someone somewhere decided all of it was supposed to be black and red and um yeah I found a lot of like creators on Etsy who are making like some really cool stuff and I will say like this stuff is going to be on the more expensive end. And, um, I also think that is better because you're supporting like smaller creators in their homes, um, making a living off of this and like putting their time and energy into making like unique products for folks. And, uh, yeah, I found some cool, I found some really cool shit. Uh, so I hope you guys like it and I hope this, um,

encourages you to look up stuff yourself and if you find something cool let us know send it our way we can make like a holiday gift guide or something um but definitely check it out if you're a patreon subscriber so another thing I thought would be really fun for us is um I wanted to read one of my favorite short stories to you guys and it felt relevant because it um is from a book written by an author Simon Rich who I don't know if people have heard of him but he we've all heard of John Mulaney and how he used to write for SNL but Simon Rich is the OG young person who wrote for SNL I think he was even younger than John Mulaney but he wrote a book that was originally called The Last Girlfriend on Earth and if you've heard of the show Man Seeking Woman

that's what he renamed the book but the book the show is based off of the short stories he wrote in this book which i think is really cool so the story i'm going to read is called i love girl i am oog i love girl girl loves boog it is bad situation boog and i are very different people for example we have different jobs my job is rock thrower i will explain what that is there are many rocks all over the place and people are always tripping over them. So when I became a man at age 11, the old person said to me, get rid of all the rocks. Since that day, I have worked very hard at this. Whenever it is light outside, I am either gathering rocks, carrying them up the hill, or throwing them off the cliff. In the past 10 years, I have cleared many rocks from the ground. People

still trip on rocks, but they trip less than before. Boog's job is artist. I will explain what that is. When he became a man, the old person said to him, cut down the trees so we have space to live. But Boog did not want to do this. So now he smears paint on caves. He calls his smears pictures. Everybody likes to look at them, but the person who likes to look at them most is girl. I love girl. I will explain what that is. When I look at her, I feel sick like I'm going to die. I have never had the great disease, obviously, because I am still alive, but my uncle described it to me. He said there is a tightness in your chest, you cannot breathe, and you have anger towards the gods because they are hurting you for no reason. I was going to ask him to explain more,

but then he died. He had been sick a long time, almost two days. My point is, girl makes me feel this way, like I am going to die. There are many women in the world, by last count seven, but she is the only one I ever loved. Girl lives on Black Mountain. It is called Black Mountain because one, it is a mountain and two, it is covered in black rocks. Every day, girl has to climb over the rocks to get to the river. It is too hard. She has small legs and she is often getting stuck. So one day, I decided I will clear a path from girl's cave to the river. I've been working on girl's path for many years, picking up the black rocks and carrying them away. I never throw her rocks off the cliff like normal rocks. Instead, I put them in a pile next to my cave. I like to look at the

pile because it reminds me of how i am helping girl the pile is black and shiny and very big my mother who i live with says it has to go she does not understand that it is important to me i worry that she will move the pile but it is unlikely after all she is an elderly 32 year old woman i have made good progress on girls path but there are still many rocks left to clear the job would go faster but i am building the path in secret by the light of the moon the reason is and this is a hard thing to admit, I'm afraid to talk to girl. If she found out it was me clearing all the rocks, I'm sure she would say something to me like, hello or hi there, and then I would be in trouble because the truth is I am not so good at making words. Boog is very good at making

words. For example, last week he showed off his new picture at the main cave. Everyone was expecting it to be a horse or a bear. All of his pictures so far have been horses, bears, or a mix of horses and bears but this picture was not of any animal it was just a bunch of red streaks people were angry i wanted animals the old person said where are the animals it was a bad situation i thought that boog would lose his job or maybe be killed by stones but then boog stood on a rock and spoke my art is smart he said and anyone who does not get it is stupid everyone was quiet we looked at the old person, to see what he would say. The old person squinted at the red streaks for a while. Then he rubbed his chin and said, oh yes, now I get it. It is smart. People who did not get it

are stupid. A few seconds later, everyone else got it. It is smart, they said. It is smart. The only person who did not get it was me. My beard began to sweat. I was scared, you understand, that someone would ask me to make words about the picture. I headed slowly for the exit and I was almost out of the cave when Boog pointed his finger at me. Do you like it, Oog? Everyone stopped making words and looked at me. It is smart, I said. I meant for my voice to sound big, but it came out small. Boog smiled. Ah, he said, then why don't you explain it to us? I felt a burning on my skin. It was sort of like when you fall into a fire and your body catches on fire. I looked down at my feet and people started laughing at me. I looked up at girl to see if she was one of the

ones laughing she was not thank gods but she could hear all the other people laughing and that was just as bad i'm tired from talking to people who are less smart boog said i am going to mate with girl now he took girl's hand and started to mate with her some people stayed to watch but most took this as they're cute to leave on my way out i heard girl making sounds they stayed in my head all night like an echo in a giant empty cave the next day i decided to become artist i told my plan to oog there are several of us named oog i am sorry if this is confusing and he said you can't be an artist it is hard oog agreed with him you're just a rock thrower he said stick with that i was angry at oog partly because he always takes oog's side but mostly because i did not agree with his

words maybe artist is hard job it is not for me to say but i would be surprised if it was as hard a job as rock thrower throwing rocks is not so easy for example five years ago one of my shoulders detached from my arm when I was throwing a boulder off a cliff. And two years after that, the other shoulder detached also. I can still throw rocks, but now when I throw them, I am screaming. Not just once in a while, but constantly. Every time I throw a rock, I am screaming so loud. I do not always realize I am screaming. It is just part of my life. Usually by sundown, I have no voice left. It is gone, you understand, because I was screaming so much from the pain of throwing rocks. Another thing is, sometimes I fall off the cliff, which is a bad situation.

I'm going to make a picture, I told the others, a good one. Who are you going to show it to, Oog said. Your mother? Everyone laughed. Oog, Oog, Moog, even Oog. I said, no, I will show it to girl. No one made words after that. I have never spoken to girl, but one time she spoke to me.

It was a long time ago when we were still children. It was the first day of school and we were learning to count. it was confusing i'm very good at some numbers i understand one and two very well and i am okay with three but when it gets higher math four five and so on i get confused the old person had told us to make each make a pile of five rocks i did not know how to do this and it was getting to be my turn it was a bad situation the old person was about to call on me when girl whispered in my ear you have too many rocks she said you need to take away four i stared at her i think she could tell from my eyes that i did not have a great grasp of four it is two twos she said i swallowed to this

day i do not know what she meant by this don't worry she said i will help you the old person was about to look at my pile when girl stood up and pointed at the forest predator by the time we came back from the hiding cave it was nightfall on the second day of school we graduated and i got my sheepskin just like everyone else i wanted to thank girl but i did not know which words to make so I said nothing girl has a small head so it is very strange how she fits so many things inside of it she knows all the numbers six eight you name it but she also knows other things things nobody else knows one time I followed her down to the river she was hunting fish in the normal way by jabbing a stick in the water after a long time she caught a small flat fish so I assumed she

would do the normal thing rip off the head and eat the body but instead she did the strangest thing i had ever seen she put the stick with the small fish still on it back into the river a short time later she pulled the stick out a bigger fish was on the stick to this day i do not understand how a girl did this but i have thought a lot about what i saw how she used the stick to get the small fish and then the big fish and i have developed a theory my theory is she is a witch who knows magic Even though she is probably a witch, I still love her. My mother says that when you love someone, you love them despite their flaws. For example, my father was not so good at hunting after a monster ate his arms,

but my mother continued to mate with him because she loved him. Girl must really love Boog because he has many flaws. He never smiles or shares his meat with other people. He is rude to the old person and will not rub his feet. And he isn't very down-to-earth. For example, one day he stood on the big rock and said, I am a living God. Everyone should worship me for I am a living God. Maybe he is right. I do not know how all that works, but he didn't have to say it on the rock. Boog's worst flaw though, in my opinion, is that he disrespects girl.

It is very subtle, but if you watch them closely, you can tell. For example, sometimes he orders her to mate with him in front of crowds. I know this is his right. He is a man, she is a woman, but it is the way he orders her to mate that i do not like he makes his voice big and snaps his fingers it is like he is talking to a dog if i owned girl i would only command her to mate with me in front of crowds if it seemed like she was in the mood to do that boog has a lot going for him he is very wealthy three skins he is maybe a god unclear he styles his hair the new cool way wet he invented art, but I still cannot understand why girl is with him. As my father used to say, there must be other monsters in that cave we don't know about. I decided to make my picture of horses

because I knew that was a thing. It took a long time for many reasons. One, I could only work nights because of rock throwing job. Two, it was my first time making art, and another reason, my mother was watching over my shoulder the whole time. I know she was trying to help me, but some of her words made me feel bad for example one time she said you are bad at this you should stop because you are bad if girl sees it she will not like you because the thing you are making is so bad i love my mother and will always rub her feet but sometimes i think she does not know how to help finally after many days of work i finished my picture and was about to add my handprint when i heard a familiar laugh in the distance i turned around boog was there what a smart picture he said

clapping his hands. You are really smart. I smiled. It was very nice, I thought, for Boog to say nice things about my picture, especially since we are not friends. Thank you, I said. Boog rolled his eyes. I was being sarcastic. A long time passed. I did not know this word, but I was afraid to admit so. I'm glad you like my picture, I said. Boog cursed the gods under his breath and paced around for a while. The picture is bad, he said. Okay, it stinks. I do not like it. I sighed. For the first time, I was beginning to see what he meant. My plan, as you know, had been to show my picture to girl, but I started to become worried that she would not like it. The reviews so far were not great. Oog said, it is the worst picture made yet by a human. Moog said, it is proof that you are a

dumb person because the quality is poor and also the idea is bad. The old person said, I always knew you were dumb. It is known by everyone, but this picture makes me realize you are even dumber than it was believed. You are like a beast from the woods or a rock on the ground, no brain. One of the main problems people explained was that I had not made the right number of legs for the horse. Also, I had made the body too big, so there wasn't even enough space for a head. Also, I had given it hands, forgetting that a horse does not have any hands. I was proud of the picture when I made it, but people's words had made me ashamed. I decided it was best to destroy it before Girl found out about it. I grabbed some empty bladders and brought up water from the river. I was about to

splash the painting when I heard that laugh again. Don't destroy it yet, Boog said. There is someone who wants to see it. He grabbed Girl by the arm and thrust her in front of my picture. It was a bad situation. Tell Oog what you think of it, Boog said. Girl mumbled something, but it was too soft for me to hear. Tell him, Boog ordered. I do not like it, girl said. You are not smart. I love Boog and not you. I stood there in silence. Hot water came out of my eyeballs. Boog grabbed one of my bladders, wet his hand, and slicked back his hair in his style. He walked over to my pile of black rocks, picked one up, and hurled it against my picture. Let's go, he said to girl. She started to follow him. As she was leaving, though, she paused to take a rock from my pile. I was afraid

she would throw it at my picture like Boog had, but instead she held it up to her face and squinted at it. Let's go, Boog shouted. She followed him into the woods, still holding the rock in her hand. My mother woke me in the night. A monster is here to murder us, she said. I nodded. This his usual occurrence what kind of monster wolf she looked at she shook her head it is a clever monster listen we were silent for a while soon i heard a strange sound the monster was throwing rocks against the cave one after the other i took my kill stick and headed cautiously for the door i saw a figure in the shadows and was about to charge at it when the moon appeared suddenly between clouds girl she was standing on the edge of the forest a black rock in her hand

sorry if i scared you she said i just came to say thank you i was confused for what for building me a path how did you know it was me i took a rock from your pile and compared it to the ones that on my mountain they're the same kind i walked cautiously towards her are you a witch i asked she laughed i'm not a witch i just used common sense i mean there are thousands of black rocks piled up next to your cave and they're identical to the rocks that were cleared from my mountain it doesn't take a witch to figure out what happened i looked her in the eyes if you are a witch i said you can tell me i will guard your secret she put her hand on my arm all the hairs on it stood up thank you for clearing all the rocks she said looking into my eyes it is a good

path you are good at clearing the rocks for the second time that night hot water came out of my eyeballs only this time it was because i was happy i'm sorry i said those mean things about your picture girl said boog said i had to i was shocked that had not occurred to me boog was very clever does that mean you like my art i said she looked at my horse and hesitated it's interesting she said but you know what i really like your rock pile she walked over to it it's sort of like a sculpture what is sculpture like a picture in three dimensions much time passed in silence can i impregnate you i asked what i know i am not smart like boog i do not understand the art and i am bad with the numbers but i will work hard to clear rocks for you and when you have child i

will clear rocks for the child i will clear all the rocks for you and the child until i am eaten by a monster or die of the great disease. I will make you many paths so you can go all the places you want. I paused to catch my breath. It was the most words I had ever made at one time. What about Boog, she whispered. I thought about it for a moment. I will murder him, I said, with a rock. She smiled and kissed me on the cheek. It was like it had been in my dreams. We made many words that night. Girl explained that she never really loved Boog. He just seemed like her only option he was the only one who had ever asked to mate with her the other five men on earth had been too afraid including me i confessed to her that i did not understand boog's latest picture and she

laughed no one did she said not even boog the stars were out and girl counted them aloud until i fell asleep the next day i took a large rock and struck it onto boog's head so that his skull cracked open and he died afterward girl and i went swimming we have decided to have many children one two maybe even a higher number I love girl girl loves me it is good situation so that is my favorite short story by Simon Rich um there's another one I really like so if you guys liked this um I can read another one in a future mini episode um and yeah that's all I got for you guys today. The last thing I can think of is I have been watching Nora from Queens on HBO and that show is fucking hilarious. Awkwafina is so funny. If you like Broad City, it kind of has like some

Broad City energy, but I don't know. There's like something like more like silly and lighthearted about broads or about, um, Nora from Queens and yeah, definitely check it out. I highly recommend it. It's hilarious. I hope there's another season. Um, and also before recording, I, uh, bought a bunch of shit from thread up. I bought like a lot of stuff and it was like a hundred dollars. Um, but I, this isn't sponsored yet. Um, but definitely like hit up thread up, you know, I am all about uh sustainability and who says you can't be fashionable without one saving a shitload of money and two just being more sustainable and not subscribing to fast fashion but anyways um please write in to us um check out our patreon consider subscribing um you know

rate our podcast on apple podcasts subscribe to us on all the platforms tell your friends um tell your boyfriend tell his friends um yeah also let us know what vibrators you like and we will see you next week love you bye