The Hoely Hour - E53 Becoming a Disney Villian

Episode Date: September 11, 2021

It's the best day of the week! It's another shorty episode featuring an important message from Amelia about focusing on mental health. Liz reveals her plan to become the neighborhood vilain/witch and reads emails from listeners, including a listener who finds power in pegging. And what if women traded boyfriends like baseball players...? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Welcome to the Holy Hour. I am Liz Ball, and Grandpa will probably be meowing in my face in a few minutes. Oh, there he is, right on cue. So I'm sure you're all so happy to just hear me once again. But I do have a little message from Amelia for everyone, just to... I'm gonna let her explain what's what's going on but don't be scared okay we're not getting divorced we're we're staying together um we also have never had a fight so yeah I'm gonna let Amelia take this away and uh you know explain some stuff hello my loves um I don't know what part of the episode Liz is gonna drop this into so apologies if that was an awkward transition but I am currently sitting in

my office in my new apartment. And I got a fancy new microphone. So it's nice to know that I can do this now when I need to. Hopefully this will be the only time. I am not with Liz today. We're not parting ways. Don't worry. She's stuck with me for forever. But I sent Liz a voice note yesterday in the middle of quite the meltdown i just wanted to play it for you because i think that it is an important conversation that we have on the podcast a lot around mental health and taking care of yourself but um being able to listen back in the middle of a meltdown and like have the answers for myself now of what i should be doing to take care of myself i think is valuable so i just wanted to play you a little clip of it um so that we could talk about it i just like really

need to get like a handle on my life right now there's so much shit and I just feel like I'm letting people down like everywhere this is so dumb I'm sorry I would just like much rather talk to you on the phone because you always make me feel better but I know that you're busy and I just needed to cry oh my god so um then she called me and like I said in the voice note talking to her always makes me feel better and she did and she was like I'm just gonna take this week um it's totally fine we'll just pick back up next week Liz and I have always been really good with respecting each other's well-being above everything else the the pod like outside of friends and family the podcast is probably the most important thing in my life right now and I never want to

show up half-assed stressed out crying um ever without having a really important discussion about being able to recognize within yourself when you're about to break. I've been working on this a lot with my therapist. I'm not very good at identifying when I'm about to break down. That's something that I need to get a better hold on. I don't realize that I'm at my breaking point until I'm at it. So that's something that I'm working on. If you follow me on TikTok, you saw I made a video that was like, hey, I need to take a break because I'm falling apart. The podcast kind of felt the aftershocks of that I have just loaded my plate up a little bit too much and I think my body and my brain is are just a little fried I'm not going anywhere like I said I'm gonna be back

on next week's episode but I just wanted to say hey and to listen to what your body needs it's really difficult living in a society like we live in where being busy is like a social currency like I feel like everybody feels the need to stay busy all of the time and um I've fallen victim to that I am currently a victim of that but the people that care about you and love you are going to understand if you just need to take a break and I feel really lucky to have the friends that I have and to have Liz as one of my best friends and also be in business with her because having somebody like her that understands when you just need a moment is really great. Um, I know that this sounds like a, like a farewell episode. I swear to you, it's not. Um, this is also just not a huge

deal. I'm okay. But it felt like a good opportunity just to like remind y'all to breathe, unclench your jaw, let your shoulders fall because they are currently in your ears. I am excited to get back to recording next week. I will be talking about blowjobs in Liz's living room. Not getting blowjobs in Liz's living room. I'll be back to talking about blowjobs whilst. You know what I mean. But I love you and I'll talk to you soon. I love you, my children. See, Liz isn't here, so I can't harmonize you know maybe Amelia has given a blow job in my living room I'm not sure so I'll have to ask her right after I'm done recording if that in fact happened um but like Amelia said I think that it is super important that we're honest with everyone about like

mental health stuff because we advocate for that all the time and you know Amelia isn't like my co-worker she is my best friend who I get to do this really cool thing with in our free time and I would treat every co-worker the same way I'm treating Amelia with this it's just just like life happens man sometimes we spread ourselves too thin and I currently don't feel stressed or pressured so like why not just you know do my best hosting by myself this week and I know that our listeners are amazing and understanding and just I don't know we're all working really hard and it has been it has been a really long and hard zing um but actually it's been a very long and hard year and a half for all of us I'm pretty sure it's it's been emotionally draining and

exhausting and we're constantly being bombarded with bad news and online vitriol between everyone all the time and it it takes its toll so um I'm really happy that Amelia is taking some time for herself like I can tell you I witnessed firsthand how thin she spreads herself and um yeah I I'm sure she's not the only person that you know is involved in this podcast listener or whatever who does that we've all been guilty of spreading ourselves a little too thin and for some reason I feel like the fall is really busy I don't know if everyone else feels that way my birthday is in the fall and you know I have a lot of Virgos in my life so constantly celebrating and also I love the fall because you know in my core sometimes I'm just a fucking basic bitch I

love pumpkin spice lattes fight me I said it I love a goddamn pumpkin spice latte I love pumpkin spice flavored most things you know pumpkin bread um pumpkin pie uh one time I almost cried at the grocery store because they were out of pumpkin pie and in my defense I was having a really really bad day I think that's a good reason to cry in the grocery store um but uh I have some fun messages from uh listeners from from you and um we we barely scratched the surface with some of our listener messages you you guys send us the most interesting shit I I definitely think that we should have another episode down the line where we just read, uh, all y'all's messages because you are all so funny and so interesting and you deserve, uh, your time to shine in your

part of the pod. So I'm going to read some of those messages that I haven't had a chance to recap yet. And I got a lot of messages from everyone, um, about the short little story that I read and I have another great one for you guys it's my second favorite one I mean it's pretty close to to I Love Girl but uh it's by the same author Simon Rich from the same book Man Seeking Woman and um I highly recommend reading that book if you're like bored you want some fun little short stories to read um you know if you're like me you can't I need to be uninterrupted for several days to get through a book like at least like three days no one can talk to me I can't be on my phone I just need to um rip through a book without any distractions or

interruptions I can't like read it at night and then put it down and pick back up where I left off so this one is perfect because it just has a bunch of little short stories and just some like little housekeeping things we got to record an episode with wisecracking blonde show um hosted by christina you should definitely go check it out check out her podcast check out her page she also has a youtube channel if you want to watch us um but it was a blast recording with her christina is amazing she's just like so laid back and fun and cool um it's hosted kind of like game show where she does trivia so she did sex trivia with us and like we learned a lot it was just like a really good time and I speaking from for myself um I had a blast because it was just

like we don't get to meet a lot of people very often who also do podcasts especially like women so um it was a lot of fun meeting someone who is experienced in podcasting and production and um she had a lot of wisdom and she was just like a really awesome person to talk to and and and uh we felt really thankful and honored that she like had us on her podcast so please go check it out we had a blast and I think you will enjoy listening to it too also I am still waiting on uh vibrator recommendations I think I've asked two weeks in a row now what are y'all doing are you just using, are you manual, you know, using your hand? Um, I haven't, I've never really been able to use my hand. I need a little extra something, something. Um, we got one, we have

one recommendation, so I'm writing them down. I'm keeping a list. I'm checking it twice. Um, I'm gonna find out who's naughty. I don't care if you're nice. Uh, but I do want to, I do want us to make a list, um, for, you know, maybe the holidays, maybe, uh, you know, it's, it's never a bad time to give the gift, give the gift of orgasm to yourself or a partner. So send us your sex, your favorite sex toys. Pretty please. Speaking of manual masturbation, um a long time ago I had listened to like a woman on a podcast I literally cannot even remember the podcast I like listened to one episode and I was like meh not for me um but this woman had said that she thought like she thinks that uh if you use a vibrator like your clit is going to lose

sensitivity and I actually somewhat recently um looked that up because I was like I don't really feel like that's been true for me like mine consistently blows my mind uh and I use I have a rotation of like three and they all do something fun so I was like I don't know they all do something different and they have different strengths but I enjoy using all of them so I'm not really sure you know what's the deal and I looked it up and like um you there's no proven like research that your clit loses any sensitivity so you know a fun little fact for you to know that um you don't have to worry about that so before I get started reading emails I have like a couple little anecdotes for everyone that I have been wanting to talk about for a little while

um starting with there are these people in my neighborhood who meet on my corner like I think every day like maybe even twice a day um one of them is an older woman who walks her they're they all walk their dogs I think that's important to mention so they're all walking their dogs they all meet literally right in front of my window but I have a plan uh that I have been plotting for a long time um I I decided that I don't want to be a main character I want to be a villain I want to be a Disney villain with like a complex backstory so I have started feeding the crows that sit outside my window and my plan is and always has been even before these dogs would congregate um to to befriend the crows and uh you know just have like a murder of crows hanging

outside my window squawking all day long that just sounds fun to me and I have I've always been like um I've always thought like witches were so cool even since I was a kid and my mom was always like very anti like witch because she's mega Catholic and she's like no that's like bad like they worship the devil and yeah you know I've seen Sabrina and those witches do but catechism is pretty like spooky in my opinion so if anything is like occultish it's being Catholic I said it fight me but I just I want to be a witch um I want these crows to freak out when they meet on the corner because that would be entertaining for me and that I want to be a Disney villain that's what I want to be with my cats I'm gonna be like Yzma so let's start this one off with uh

let's start with a fun message so a few episodes ago um we had asked like what lies your parents have told you and uh this one was pretty funny I thought um she says hi Liz and Amelia I follow Amelia on TikTok and just discovered you had a podcast listen today and enjoyed it thought you might like this in college I nannied for a well-known Seattle family when they built their Lakeview home, my employer installed a switch under the kitchen sink that controlled the electrical outlet for the TV. On my first day of work, I was instructed to flip the switch at dinnertime. When the TV suddenly turned off, I was supposed to say something along the lines of, oh shoot, is that old TV on the fritz again? Then encourage the three children to come to dinner,

thus avoiding any arguments or refusals to turn off the TV. I only worked there for a year, but I always wondered if the children ever discovered their parents sneaky trick I thought that was so freaking funny um how clever is that also I don't really feel like that should be like a point of contention um with your children like turn the tv off uh that seems like a pretty easy to resolve issue but I guess if you're super non-confrontational also like hilarious that they went to these great lengths to install switch specifically for this thing i wonder how many times they were like can we get a new tv so i thought that was hilarious um if you have other examples of lies your parents told you

or adults told you uh let let us know because that's actually hilarious so this next dm was very cool to get um she says hey gals just wanted to say used a tip of yours to figure out if someone was a fake dom and it worked a treat he was talking to me about kink and bdsm but when i asked he had no idea what aftercare was and that set off alarms didn't end up catching up after love the podcast by the way we love hearing that if someone doesn't if someone who claims they're like really like into BDSM or kink or, and they're like, I'm a dom. Um, and they don't know what aftercare is, kick them to the curb. Fuck that. Um, aftercare is essential. I will always advocate for aftercare, whether or not you are having kinky sex. Um, you, anyone can, can practice aftercare

after any sort of intimacy um I think it's important so before I read this next one I want to insert a trigger warning right here um this story involves um sexual assault and rape so um I think it's still important to share uh and I think the outcome is like really lovely so this listener wrote hello there beautiful ladies so i decided to write in again because i heard on the cast about a woman pegging a man well i am a woman who does that with my old man as well although the way i found out he was into that was truly kind of fucked up i caught him on missed connections on craigslist yuck yes i'm still with him but after hearing his story i decided to stay and work on pleasing him sexually since i'm not opposed to threesomes honestly girl

like it's up to everyone how they decide uh to stay or leave a relationship you know you gotta listen to your gut sometimes uh anyways um but let me kind of restart sorry not a writer i'm a welder um i've been with the same man going on three years absolutely the best relationship i've ever had and the best i've ever been treated in a relationship cash i found the missed connections about two years into the relationship. I noticed it on his tablet one day when I went to get on our Verizon account and order my new Samsung. I let it go and didn't say anything until our new phones came in and he switched. I was able to keep the old phone at home since he is an over-the-road truck driver. Oh girl, I've been there. I'm sure you can guess what I did then.

Yes, yes, go through the phone. What I found was definitely not what I was expecting. I thought he would be talking to women not men after having a very drunk night and down in two bottles of peach crown i'm crying myself to where i had no more tears and i decided to send him a message and let him know that i knew along with pictures from his old phone needless to say he came right home off the road and we began to talk about this he told me that when he was younger he was raped by a family member and that i am the only person who knows about this he has been embarrassed and ashamed of his thoughts and actions. He's a very manly man and older at 42. He was raised to believe this was wrong and that's it. He's never opened up to anyone and then it just poured out

of him and he told me everything. He's never been with a man other than being raped but does use a dildo on himself. After careful consideration, I came to the conclusion that I could and want to peg him. I read several articles about this and did a lot of research. I found that it was very empowering and I love switching the roles this has been part of our life now for going on a year and I am still very happy and we have better communication than we ever did learning about his kink and put it in with my kinks our relationship has blossomed into something I never thought possible before I knew about this I was questioning if I could be vanilla the rest of my life or this relationship I decided I could and then bam found out I don't have to

love the cast I'm the only girl at work and they all look at me strange because I'm laughing my ass off all the time. So this message obviously has a lot going on. And I think that it touches on some really important topics like, you know, men are sexually abused too, whether that's as children or teenagers or adults. And I think it's important to acknowledge that. I think that women have more of an open platform to talk about assault and you know men are just as affected by toxic masculinity as women are um and the fact that her partner felt like it was just he was ashamed of of what happened to him and you know he was a child he didn't have he didn't have a I also think it's totally normal for men to enjoy prostate stimulation because that's like essentially their G spot, which, yeah, if you can have fun doing that, then absolutely go for it.

I also have to wonder if some of this has helped him reclaim what he experienced as a child. He's able to enjoy intimacy with a partner, and that's amazing. But yeah, I think that it's important to acknowledge that there's a whole generation who was just raised to believe that being assaulted was wrong. Like so many people were assaulted by adults in positions of power, especially, um, we hear a lot about it with, with priests doing stuff like this. I listened to a lot of true crime podcasts, which is so far from what our podcast is. But, uh, I listened to a whole series about a fake

priest and, you know, older generations like would slap you if you said you were assaulted. they thought you were like being disrespectful and that's insane to me so I think it's important that we um acknowledge stories like these and give everyone a safe space to talk about their what they've been through especially when it comes to assault and I think that this um became like a really it has a really beautiful ending of just uh these two people being able to open up and be honest with each other and more trust came out of it I think it's it's hard for us to remember that like difficult situations are what is going to make us closer to our partner and I think that this listener like obviously made the right choice for for her and her partner

because, um, you know, she, she listened and she honored his experience and, uh, loves him more than, uh, she was hurt. And I think that's a really important quality to have, um, is to be able to recognize when you love someone more than you are hurt and listen to them through that and, uh, find empathy in what they're sharing with you. So I, I really liked this story and it's, um, truly one of a kind and I am really thankful that you shared it with us. Um, I think that a lot of people are going to appreciate this story. All right. So, um, I think that it's time for us to read another short story by Simon Rich from the book, uh, Man Seeking Woman. And this one is like I said my second favorite in this story but it is pretty like neck and neck with

I Love Girl. This one is called Trade. Ben had always known on some level that it was possible for him to get traded. He'd seen it happen to dozens of guys over the years including some of his closest friends. It was part of the game. Still he had never been traded himself and he was having some trouble accepting it. He kept expecting someone to tap him on the shoulder and tell him the whole thing was a joke. Here's your stuff, Haley said, dropping a duffel bag at his feet. Goodbye. Ben stared at her for a moment, expecting some kind of encouragement or sympathy, but Haley just stood there. So that's it then, Ben said, after three and a half years. What do you want me to say, Haley snapped. He picked up the bag and slung it warily over his

shoulder. There's nothing he could do. When your girlfriend decides to trade you, that's it, you're through i just don't get it ben shouted over the din of the jukebox i thought things were going really well they weren't his brother craig informed him the writing was on the wall really oh yeah your record's been sinking all year you told me yourself you had a five argument losing streak and then there were all those errors ben nodded ruefully there had been a lot of errors this year 45 missed compliments three forgotten events 12 accidental insults he'd been playing like a rookie Craig squeezed his little brother's shoulder I'm sorry Ben he said believe me I know what you're going through remember in 0405 when Zoe traded me Ben nodded they'd come to the same

bar then I was devastated Craig said I'd just taken her to Henry's Inn for her birthday you know the fancy place with all the candles got her a steak gave her a necklace took her to a show massaged her feet you hit for the cycle uh-huh then i wake up the next day and she's giving me my marching orders telling me she needs to shake things up if she wants to remain a contender unbelievable it was right before valentine's day ben nodded the trade deadline exactly you know what the worst part is I know the guy she traded me for and he's garbage really yeah he's some kind of banker always looking at himself in the mirror and fixing his goddamn tie it's like come on you traded me for this guy I mean okay his stats are pretty good he got me beaten money and his sex

numbers are pretty impressive but what about intangibles what about attitude intelligence effort those things gotta count for something he ate some potato chips and wiped the grease off his jeans. Who am I kidding? He muttered. These days, the only thing they care about is the bottom line. When Haley offered Ben his contract, he was so excited that he barely bothered to read it. He realized now that he should have perused the fine print. According to the trade clause, he had 72 hours to get his stuff out of her apartment. After that, he wouldn't be allowed to set foot in her home. His sexual privileges were revoked, along with hugging rights and injury sympathy. It was insane. Why had he given her so much power in the first place? He was struggling to get through

the claws on mutual friends. The footnotes alone were five pages when he heard a loud knock on the door. He took a long, slow breath and opened it. Haley's new boyfriend smirked down at him. He had tattoos on his neck and was wearing a scarf and shades even though it was summer and he was indoors. Sup, he said. Ben forced a smile. There was no reason to be impolite. it was an awkward situation but what could he do about it sup he responded the two men shook hands reached in their pockets and exchanged keys this one's for hayley's lobby ben explained and this one's for her door you have to kind of push it and then twist the tattooed man nodded lisa likes it from behind he offered ben nodded awkwardly okay he said i guess that's it then good luck

you too what do you mean an artist Craig asked like an advertising or something Ben swallowed it was taking him a tremendous amount of effort to get his words out it was like his tongue was coated with clay he does performance art he mumbled based on Camus and Sartre Jesus Craig said i can't believe she traded you for that he ordered them another round of drinks is it all finalized ben nodded we both passed our physicals he banged his fist against the bar damn it he said i know i'm not an all-star all right my job is boring i spend too much time doing crossword puzzles and i like bad tv i just i thought i was worth something he shook his head she must have really wanted to get rid of me. A mousy girl with glasses opened the door and looked Ben up and down.

Is now a good time? He asked. Sure, she said, her voice a little shaky. Come on in. He laid his bag down neatly on the rug and looked around. Her apartment was a lot smaller than Haley's, but at least the TV was bigger. Is that a plasma? Lisa laughed. Keanu said it was making him stupid. It was one of our biggest fights. Ben nodded. Haley hated TV, especially my favorite show. jersey sure right ben winced uh i didn't know that showed up on the stats she held up a copy of his old contract everything's in here ben held his breath while she adjusted her glasses and flipped through the pages you really should have negotiated for more she said i know you were just a draft pick but this is ridiculous what do you mean it's not a good deal it's terrible i mean

look at this. Your sexual privileges are almost non-existent. Ben sighed. He had always suspected Haley had screwed him with that clause, but he didn't have any other long-term contracts to compare it to, and he'd been too embarrassed to ask his brother if it was normal. And this emotional support clause is pathetic. One career pep talk a year? That's low. Yes, girlfriends are usually required to give at least one a month. Why didn't you hire a lawyer? Ben threw up his hands in frustration because i'm an idiot he said because i'm a worthless idiot he picked up his duffel bag you know you don't have to take me he said i know there's a release clause you can just put me on waivers lisa laughed why would i put you on waivers i traded for you what do you mean

the trade was my idea ben slowly put his bag back down it was yes i mean haley didn't exactly argue when I made the offer, but I set the whole thing up. I don't have a lot of relationship experience, but I can spot a good deal when I see it. Ben felt a swelling in his throat. He realized he was about to cry. You think I'm a good deal? She flipped through his contract. Sure, she said. I mean, some of your stats are low, like these sex numbers. It's something to work on. Ben nodded. But your crossword skills are through the roof. You've got a solid job, great taste in TV. She leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. And you're cute.

I am? I think so. She crumbled up his old agreement and tossed it in the wastebasket. But that thing is ridiculous. I can't hold you to it. Seriously? Yeah, I'd feel like a monster. He was so grateful, he grabbed her hand and pressed it to his lips.

She giggled. But wait, he said, what are we going to do about a contract? She ran her fingers through his hair. then she reached into her pocket and pulled out a blank piece of paper let's start from scratch she said he wrapped his arm around her laughing with relief there was nothing like joining a new team there was nothing like opening day so that is my second favorite story from simon rich um I think it's really precious and I think it's just also like a sweet reminder that when it doesn't work out with someone that there is going to be another person who appreciates all the little

things about you and you can choose to be together and make your own contract it doesn't have to look like everyone else is so I think it's time to wrap with a little sex fact um I just looked this up and I thought it was so interesting so this is from health.com and they just sent showed me a pop-up fuck off oh my god this website's a nightmare turn it on to reader view because i don't want to see any pop-ups um so this says the average orgasm lasts up to two minutes there's really no right amount of time for you to orgasm to last in fact researchers used to think that 3 to 15 seconds was about the duration of a female orgasm they then found out found evidence that a climax a climax could go on for 20 seconds to two minutes um wow this is insane uh published

data showing 40% of women estimated the duration of their orgasm to be 30 to 60 seconds or even longer and 48% of women experience predominantly long orgasms so the takeaway some people have very short orgasms while others can last longer there's a wide variety of normal dude that's insane imagine having a two minute orgasm that sounds lovely I also wonder how much of it is like the ramping up part you know what I mean um yeah that is my I would also like to see the statistics of like if someone has longer orgasms are they more likely to be um like sexually active or have like a higher like sex drive or you know want to have sex more so that would be really interesting to know. I, I would like a grant. I would like a grant from a university to study all

of the, all of the things that I'm curious about. Like, um, just questions like that. And also I would like to investigate if all hot guys say bingo, because my theory has not proven me wrong yet um anyways uh thank you for sticking with me it is hard recording without Amelia just because like it's just so much more fun like recording with your bestie about stuff that you think is interesting and just want to talk about um but we will be reunited next week and this is a reminder to take care of your mental health, you know, put that first, put you first. You can, you can refer your boss to this podcast and say, you know what? Liz told me to put myself first. I'm not a doctor, but, um, I am a person who cares about other people.

so uh this is your um not doctor's note and also it's a podcast but uh yes tune in next week we love you our children Thank you.