The Hoely Hour - E63 Wronged & Broken!

Episode Date: November 19, 2021

Welcome to the church of Don't Be A Fckin' Shtty Person! Liz does a dramatic reading from the ultra-religious ex-lover of a listener, as a treat. Prepare for your teenage PTSD as Liz recounts her most embarrassing memory from middle school. Amelia and Liz discuss No Nut November, No Shave November, and... Destroyed Dick December?! And for our Sex Fact of the Week, let's talk about Ace folks! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

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May slow when network is busy. See terms. No weak-ass bitches if you're gonna come for my girl, okay? You gotta get through Liz first! welcome to the holy hour i'm amelia sampson and i'm liz ball and i hope everyone is having a great week we're finally except for jake gyllenhaal oh he's there's no way he's having a good week that's true he's probably having a really fucking awful week maybe i i just imagine him he's like 40 in his 40s and he's probably like yeah i wasn't the greatest it's like i really

love how it's old news and she's still like nope i'm gonna sing for about this for 10 minutes on SNL well I wonder if she had already had that written and they didn't they made it down maybe that's what I was thinking happened maybe it's I feel like her songwriting style is so different now than it used to be and that line that's like at the end that's like I get older but your lovers stay the same age feels very like now Taylor Swift oh yeah I don't know maybe it's a combination mercury retrograde has been kind to her writing like um not mercury retrograde saturn yeah the saturn return girl you know look at me go little baby astrologer her saturn return has been very kind to her because like you said you can see like the difference in her writing but she when

she was saying like um you said maybe if we had been closer in age it what did she say i wanted to die yeah you want to die yeah it would have been fine and that made me want to die and then and then it's like your idea of me who was she um oh my god that line is the one that stuck with me I was like damn yeah yeah fuck god that that song all too well was so important to me like when it first came out like it was such a I texted you this I was like I'm so emotional the whole red album was got me through so much shit and I was like a real emotional ass bitch this last weekend which we'll get into and so I was listening to it and I was just like I hate you Jake Gyllenhaal but I've forgiven him we're gonna allow him space to grow when people were like people giving her a

hard time like oh you could write a whole album about someone you only dated for three months I'm like yeah those are arguably the worst relationships that's so fucking true yeah the the ones that are always fast and bright yes they're really intense and they burn out really fast that's so real um speaking of three-month relationships this is a little awkward but it is the breakup aversary of me and mr liz when we broke up for like holy shit today is yeah how are you feeling um i feel really good good you guys are such a good fucking place my therapist about it and she was like we were just kind of talking about like how that kind of like provide I don't know it pivoted our relationship uh to be more open and have better conversation like no it just

made it very transparent yeah that's so true yeah that really it did turn on a heel at that moment yeah so it's kind of a celebration yeah and it's not like it immediately became easy once we got back together of course not just like the work started there yeah exactly yeah but it started off we were starting at the same level yeah that's true damn wow well happy anniversary thanks thank you what a gone through a lot of change it was really fun reflecting on it with my therapist because she's been through it all with me this whole time so she's like i mean i honestly think like you guys have like grown so much like as people and as a couple and i was like you don't even know him and you can tell yeah I mean cool yeah that's so fucking dope it's so

great going to a therapist when you're going through hard shit getting over that hump and then revisiting the hard shit because it's like they were with you through all of it and it's really like I went back to my therapist I stopped going to my therapist um after my ex and I broke up because I like felt fine and then I like got very depressed again and so I oh geez and so I went back to her and I didn't have to walk through all the context with her I was like you just already know this shit like it's so it's so nice having somebody that just like knows the ins and outs of the shit that you've been through speaking of I'm going to once every other week now with my therapist congratulations I officially brought it up to her last week and I was like I want to know

what you think about me possibly going to every two weeks and then she was like I definitely think like you're ready for that but it's like ultimately your decision my god that's so exciting Liz yeah it's like a graduation yeah it's the first time I'm like kind of changing my cadence in like the two and a half years I've been seeing her wow yeah congrats thanks that's really great I'm really happy for you it's such a good feeling when it's like all right I'm I'm like in a place where i don't need to talk to you every week like that's such a huge moment um so i do have a little message that i wanted to read from a listener and it pertains to the butt plug incident um plug mishap the butt plug mishap of 2021 because i'm sure there will be more oh yeah i'm

certain um so this listener works in the er and i thought that her like telling me this would be super helpful because if anyone else ends up having a butthole emergency so this is what they wrote into us listening to the ep today i work in the er um if anything like this ever happens again always tell us exactly what happened for a few reasons one we deal with a lot of bullshit in the er these things literally keep us going this is our full lifeline um two we do see it a lot it may feel embarrassing but it is routine for us no one will judge you we also know that when it is a story with 90 of the types of stories we walk out of the room like that's not what happened um so it's like best to just tell them the truth of what happened um three even if

it seems like it doesn't the mechanism at slash angle at which anything goes into your body matters it's easier to get it out and help us decide whether it could be a true medical emergency um so like then she went on to clarify the fact that you were bound could matter so include that um thought it may be helpful to share on uh share this on next week's episode for listeners but we had already recorded in advance so i couldn't share it but um also she included glad you're living your best sub life hell yeah um but this was i thought this was super helpful yeah absolutely so like that's really good to know like if you have a mishap with a toy to explain exactly truthfully what had happened because it could be harder or easier like for them to like help you

yeah so they need all the context that makes so much sense and it's like when you go into these situations if you got into that situation in an embarrassing way the impulse is always to be like oh my god what do i say yeah don't want to lie yeah but then it's like the shit that they see one of my best friends is a nurse and the shit that she sees like I it's truly routine for them like I don't think anybody could really come in with anything that like shocks them they're there to help yeah so that's good to hear from a nurse like these are all of the reasons that you need to be 100% honest with us and honestly I would rather have some strangers in the er tell my story at a dinner party and like laugh about it i don't really care no i and i know

that's like not how everyone's mind operates but i'm just like this might as well happen like i said before like weird shit just happens sometimes and at the end of the day like we're all gonna die so who gives a shit which is sad but also it should be liberating totally yeah a little bit yeah i mean it's like whatever people are gonna judge you no matter what you're doing so that's just how i've been living it's like somebody's always gonna judge you or somebody's always gonna hate what you're doing yeah you could be the best peach pie in the world and there's always gonna be someone that doesn't like peaches um y'all heard but also it's like you realize that whenever you get embarrassed and you like can't get over it and it's like oh my god it was so fucking embarrassing

like a year later everybody's already forgotten about it the only things that continue to embarrass me into adulthood are things that haunt me from my teen years like what can you think of like what your most embarrassing moment was yes oh god okay so when I was in eighth grade I'm already I feel myself getting hot oh no oh my god I'm so excited when I was in eighth grade I had um I was part of like the like student body council um and I was just like a class representative I don't think I was like I had like a title like a position does that make sense I wasn't like president or anything it was just a class representative exactly um and this over the summer I had gone to a summer camp that was like kind of like a spirit leadership camp

for just like school spirit yeah it was a lot of fun I went with like a few other people from my school um and it was like from like seventh grade to like maybe high school so it's like a lot of different ages but um I don't know so we learned all these songs and we had a lot of fun and then I brought we brought back all these camp songs and we were like let's have like a spirit uh what's it called when they're all in the the gym oh a spirit rally or something yeah yeah yeah a pep rally so I didn't I didn't maintain any school spirit as you could tell by my black outfit um we're in the same color pants again maybe this yeah oh my god nice wow okay go on um and maybe that's also why I don't like sports or something there's something like triggering deep in me

because at this like pep rally we like each like took turns like leading a song so I have like a microphone and I'm in this like stupid little pep rally and I um am leading a song and we split it up by like grade like who could be the loudest and some kid told everyone in my class to not participate at all and i was just standing there and i was like sweating that's so mean uh-huh so it was like the most embarrassing that's mortifying that's so much worse than i thought it was gonna be that's so mean it has haunted me 15 years later kids fucking suck yeah they do that's so mean of all of the embarrassing things that's happened to me that is like the one i'll never forget that's triggering and it's also like i'm having like a

like a body reaction to it because of all the bullying that i endured that's horrible like objectively it's kind of funny yeah because all these kids are just sitting there right but when i was on the other end of it like no one thought about how i would feel no of course not you poor thing oh my god yeah so then i never know i have no idea which kid it was well he's on the enemies of the pod now yeah whoever you are pep rally kid oh god that was so maddie charlie pep rally kid yep pep rally kid i will find you and i will cheer in your face i remember the whole chant too do it it's like the moment everybody do it with the list i only remember part of it okay go um the whole thing it's like i said a boom chicka boom yeah uh but then as you

continue going like it changes and then it's like i said a broom sweep a broom and then they repeat it back and then i said a broom sweep a mamba sweep a mamba sweep a broom and nobody was saying it that makes it so much worse it's my 12th reason i'm waiting on the 13th but i'm dangerously close every day i was sweating so much just recounting the story yeah oh i'm gonna give him a name like what's like a really douchey kid name skylar skylar skylar for sure you skylar you're on the enemies of the pod objectively funny subjectively for me personally what if he's just like randomly a fan of the podcast he's like wait i think that was me yeah i'm like oh shit well just you know you've traumatized me and i talked about it she's still sweating about it 15 years

i haven't talked about it in therapy yet but it's just one of those things that you're like i can't believe that happened and you cringe it's one of those things you're about to fall asleep and then you like yeah cold sweat mr liz is like what what happened is it the spider dream again i'm like i remember skylar fuck you skylar oh my god oh my god that's horrible is wow now i feel crawly i'm sure someone from i went to middle school with is like and middle school's like the worst time that can happen i like braces i like my body hasn't distributed its weight from puberty it's just kind of like yeah in uh the right places yeah yeah word wow all right well that felt therapeutic to talk about yeah i want i want to go back to not remembering

it anyways i've let you all in on my deepest secret now oh my god wow the next thing i want to discuss with you they kind of go hand in hand but i just want your thoughts on no nut november i was talking about this with squints because he was doing it until saturday until saturday he didn't really know why half the month he well so he originally made it eight days because he was like he started to think about it he looked it up and he was like this isn't good for you no that's what i was gonna say i was like i i'm pretty sure that's like bad for for like people with penises specifically yeah i think it must i think it's bad to not like have sperm like actively moving through this did you watch too hot to handle no okay there's a guy on there so

on too hot to handle you're not allowed to even masturbate oh yeah i think i watched a couple of episodes of that one of the guys like was in so much pain from not being able to masturbate because i think he was also just horny all the time everybody there was hot um that he like had these two guys cover for him and so we could masturbate in the shower but there are like cameras in the bathrooms and shit so they lost money for it yeah it's pretty fucked but i was like i didn't realize that it hurts people with penises to not masturbate yeah i think it's medically like not recommended well i'm sure you don't need to do it daily is it supposed to be like to raise awareness for something no not november do you know no that's no shave november

is supposed to remember yeah it's supposed to raise awareness for um isn't movember uh it's for prostate cancer correct yes okay um let me double check that movember so for those of you who might not know what no not november is it is when um people choose to not ejaculate for an entire month of november yeah i thought it was a joke but it's people actually do it so just to circle back on november it's to raise awareness for men's health issues such as prostate cancer testicular cancer and men's suicide is what um the wikipedia page says does it have to be a mustache i don't i don't think so november oh it is a mustache november november yeah okay no not november no not november is an internet challenge revolving around abstinence

in which participants abstain from masturbation and orgasming during the month of november so that's really it that's it it's just an internet challenge it's just like a it's there it's doing it for the bit i guess so i respect doing it for the bit but also be aware that it's not like technically like healthy for you no oh wait hold up there's something called destroyed destroyed dick december is one that's on here too which is i think you're supposed to masturbate every day the first starting on the first of december in which you masturbate until completion in a quantity in relation to the date this means you've not one time on the first twice on december 2nd three

times on the third and so on remarkable make it stop i feel like did men just run out of things to do i guess they're just not getting enough attention they're like hey boys let's not masturbate for a whole month yeah i just don't really understand just just like i would get it if it was like a november kind of thing that's like raise awareness and like for every day that You don't masturbate. Donate $10. You know what I mean? Like, something.

But, like, just an internet challenge. I, like, low-key don't believe people do it. Actually do it. No. They're probably saying that they are. Yeah, exactly. I hate it. I think it's dumb.

But you know what? Live your life how you want to live your life. Well, I guess it's also interesting that, like, if you have a vagina, you don't need to, like, ejaculate something to orgasm. That's true. so there's probably not as many harmful effects probably not i mean like the idea of blue balls is the same as like when we don't like if we get really turned on and then don't i don't even know what to call it like orgasm but like that like i feel like the whole thing

with like a blue ball is like the ejaculation so i wonder if it because we feel pain too when we don't what is that you know what i mean is it just like that it's like i don't feel like i've felt pain really yeah i feel like tender oh yeah okay that makes sense come and then you're like i have to go home yeah and they're like where are you going home to orgasm yeah i gotta go get myself off I'll be in the bathroom for 15 minutes but I like an electric toothbrush or anything I'm not asking for any reason I'm just just curious I would use an electric toothbrush yeah when I was young oh I don't have a vibrator right we talked about this when we were talking about things that we've masturbated with get your teenage your teenager a vibrator just do it yeah

hell yeah it's gonna be so interesting when this generation I mean we're really lucky up here like living in this liberal bubble but like i think our generation is going to raise some badass kids yeah it's like this is the generation that is speaking up for themselves and so are starting to and getting more comfortable with it so our kids are going to be there's my mom is like my friends with like kids in their early 20s like their kids are like struggling and i was like yeah it's a shitty time to be alive mom yeah here are all the statistics of why it sucks to be alive seriously being a human is exhausting i've said that like four times just to you today like being a human is tiring it really is it it just is it really really is but there's this mom on tiktok

um i don't remember her name but uh she is raising her kids like montessori style and no idea what that means i didn't either there's like montessori schools um but it's like i don't i don't know exactly what montessori is but she's like teaching them to cook and like teaching them to like communicate their feelings in certain ways and like learning life skills instead of like the you know mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell kind of shit um like you need to learn how to write a check yeah yeah right like you're not gonna have access to a calculator yeah it's so fucking stupid like well first of all i'm not gonna do a job that involves math yeah i've not needed to do long division at any point in my adulthood i haven't needed to do anything

beyond calculating the tip um and addition yep same yeah some light multiplication like two and three um but this kid this mom recorded her um her she has a two-year-old and a one-year-old and the two-year-old or the one-year-old was hitting the two-year-old with a stick they're both little boys and the older one was like i don't like when you do that to my body um can you please put the stick down like just really like communicating like i don't like what you're how you're making me feel i was like i sent it to all my mom friends i was like you're gonna love this it's so cute i love that yeah instead of just screaming yeah each other yeah right i don't know it's and then like the little one hug to the older one unprompted just like i'm sorry

oh my god i was like if my i said i sent it to my mom i was like if my kids don't end up like this i'm giving them back like these little respectful little nuggets yeah so i guess it just goes to show and well and also i think like we learn from our parents and how they communicate so yeah like i can't think of a single time that my parents have apologized to me especially my dad um and i also can't think of a single time where they explained calmly why they were upset about something wow it's just like yelling or weaponized tears holy shit yeah so did you feel like growing up you weaponized tears at all because of that i didn't cry at all growing up was that like a it was very rare well because remember we talked about i would go oh yeah in

your closet in my closet to cry because i don't want anyone to see me crying so i don't want anyone to see me vulnerable wow and now i just can't stop crying it's just a daily you backloaded if i'm happy if i'm sad if i it's i i am literally like um kristen bell if i'm not between a three and a seven on this emotional scale i'm crying if i'm too happy i'm too excited okay oh i love crying so much me too feels nice it really does it's such a release um so i wanted to circle back to no nut november and mention no shave november because i have not shaved the entire month of november your pits too uh-huh can i see yeah i'm gonna have to that it makes me itchy so i can't do it oh wow a little bit of armpit hair um i was thinking about it because i was talking to mr liz

and i have like i hadn't had a chance to shave and he like started tickling my armpit hair and I was like no I haven't shaved and then he was like do you want to and I was like I guess I don't know and then I just kind of sat there and I was like maybe I won't and then the more I thought about it over the last week I was like I guess it's more weird that I haven't just let my body do its own thing at least once so I was just like you know what maybe I'll just do it for now yeah good for you like and it's not like I don't want to like stop shaving forever I was just like it's more weird that I've lived in this body for 30 years and I haven't let it just like grow hair where it wants to grow hair or like your little plant yeah yeah just let it do its

its thing and see how I feel I like that and be uncomfortable letting it be that way if that makes sense totally yeah because I guess I'm not like I don't necessarily want armpit hair but I also don't not want it yeah it's just kind of like a thing that's been my daily habit that's fair of like oh i'm gonna shave my armpits and my legs and whatnot that's super fair yeah my like sensory shit with my add like if i have like stubble on my legs or like my armpits are a little hairy it is like it's just uncomfortable yeah and you said your armpits get itchy oh my god they get so fucking itchy oh i'm getting um this is an anecdote i'm getting botox on my armpits december 8th for my hypohidrosis congratulations wish i can wear t-shirts from now on hey okay but go on i think

that it's mine doesn't get mine don't get itchy i have really fine hair as you can see so and like my legs don't get really hairy i was just kind of like like this is like not shaving my legs honestly that would be mine after like five days probably my hair grows so fucking fast you can't even it's just it's just very fine and i know i'm like lucky to not really have much hair on my legs i get or not i don't even want to say lucky but if you like to have your legs shaved if you like to have yeah legs and that is lucky i just don't i just don't i think i'm lucky in that it doesn't get itchy because it's very fine but i just that it's also because i have very fine hair on my head like in general i have fine hair see i have really fine hair on my head and then everywhere else it's

coarse but you have a lot of hair a lot of hair even though it's fine so much fucking hair it's amazing i still have hair on my head with how much falls out in the shower yeah um but i just wanted to bring up my no shave november commitment i'm excited for you we'll see what happens with my armpits um i was talking to a couple of friends wow you have not said a word on most of our episodes he was like i'm doing no shave november as well he's like you have not even asked the hairiest one in the room he's like i've been sitting here for five minutes and no one's looked at me i relate to that though i get it grams um he's gonna go away yes he just needed to say one thing um just so you know i'm here thank you um but i was like oh i'm growing my

armpit hair because i know they don't shave their arm armpits and um they were like they're like oh nice like i it's really like they were like you're gonna sweat less and like it's just really comfortable and then i less i don't i feel like i haven't really noticed a difference oh to be honest um maybe i've i don't know is it just maybe it's just because it catches the sweat probably just kind of gets well you don't really need deodorant as much with the hair i think what i think well it has a purpose right your your hair grows there for a reason just every like hairy man that i've ever known smells that's true maybe just men smell that's true yeah probably bitches boys are stinky you no boys allowed

oh god i love men it's a problem um so that was just uh my no shave november no not november questionnaire i suppose love it yeah we'll see how it goes um i should i live stream the shaving of my armpits let me know what was that epilator yeah nice i'm not gonna epilate my armpits that will hurt i have no clue what the fuck it is an epilator is like a bunch of tiny tweezers and they rip the hair out that's horrible i'm not doing that in my armpits i talked to my dad about an epilator i don't know why it came up because of that i've only heard it from you and i was like do you know what an epilator is to my dad who doesn't really know any like beauty product stuff um he's also kind of he always surprises me with the shit that he knows

but i was like do you know he's like do you not know what an epilator is i was like hey fuck you hey don't make me feel inferior so i had to google it and and i it completely flew out of my head i don't remember what it looks like it's so weed whacker loud it's loud um how loud it is gives me anxiety so i have to put on my noise canceling headphones and blast music to use my epilator wow and i only use my epilator on my bikini line and it has it has made the hair very fine on like the bikini line so it's pretty easy to upkeep but I would like to do a full wax because then epilating after that is really easy oh because after you wax it makes the hair a lot thinner um I had a waxer who described it as like so when you just shave um the hair grows out thin

but the root is really thick it's thicker than the hair and it's like trying to what'd she say like suck a golf ball through a hose when you like rip when you're trying to rip it out because from shaving so um when you wax it it's gonna hurt the first time but then all the other times you go get wax it's not gonna hurt if you're not shaving in between yeah um so the hair grows back like more fine and it's easier to remove and becomes less painful over time wow yeah i see that makes i i am so nervous to get my like a bikini or i honestly would rather just i mean it's one of the i don't know i feel like i'm just kind of like a fuck it kind of person i'm like whatever just rip it out yeah it'll be over eventually i have a high pain tolerance so i

know it'd be fine it's just like the anticipation is always the worst part um my ass sweats so much when i get waxed really yeah because i'm just nervous that makes sense and then it's just like they're just ripping away I am so comfortable with my body like I have been walking around my apartment naked I'm gonna catch some sort of charge and my neighborhood I know it but the idea of somebody waxing my vagina makes me nervous and then they do your butthole what and that actually is the least painful part is when they wax your bum do you have to like get into a different position yeah can I do it for you yeah where do you go for this um I've only been like a couple places in seattle i can't remember where they are um i really wanna i used

to go a lot of places in vegas my favorite is called birthday suit because they're pretty affordable i might go when i'm back home yes um but this is the position when they wax your butthole oh my god okay and what about the rest of it though i would think that that would be the position oh okay you just like kind of at one point you're like this like butterfly is it like it just makes me it makes me so nervous like how you have to like make eye contact with that person eventually you know what i mean no i just stare up at the ceiling and then there's do you think anybody just maintains eye contact they do it every day and that's true they're yapping away they're like i've seen so many vaginas yeah okay no you're

right you're right you're right see it's like i don't feel weird about going to like my gynecologist because they're doctors you know what i mean but these people see vaginas all the time all right I'm gonna do it all right I'm gonna do it I'm gonna do it and then I'll talk about it on the pot and you can do sugaring too I heard sugaring hurts less I've heard the same but I also don't really know I feel like every time I go after a while I'm like it hurts yeah yeah yeah okay I just need to do it my hair my vagina hair is so coarse and if I don't shave my vagina literally every night it's like i never shaved it how so fast do you get ingrowns all the time but i always shave down if i shave up i get a million ingrowns so when you shave down does it like do a good job

yeah because i use the billy razors not sponsored um they are phenomenal this is good to know yeah this is good because i prefer not to shave because i get the worst ingrowns you should really try billy like they it's super affordable that's why i'm like just rip it out get rid of it i've never had such a good shave like even on my legs i wonder how long a wax would last on you then probably not very long but like yeah actually you know what probably not very long because my eyebrows grow back so fast i had to end up getting um like a perfect my dad got it for me for christmas actually like one of those like little like pens that oh yeah yeah and it works really well because i was spending so much money on getting my eyebrows waxed because like they

grow back so fucking fast which is a blessing but like i got that's the that's part of the italian in me and like my mustache too not cute really really dark we're two different sides we really are like i'm not very hairy i've never had to do anything up here sometimes i'll i had like a friend who's italian in in college my she had like a lot of hair and she was constantly like i think gonna get my mustache waxed or like i'm gonna near my mustache and i just didn't really i was like should i be worried about my hair above my lip but no you've none yeah unfair i the first time um i went and got my eyebrows waxed and the girl said mustache too i was like fuck you so i said yes because i didn't realize that's something they say to everyone so i was

like oh i guess you know like if you're pointing it out i guess most pain i've ever felt in my entire life was oh god i can imagine that shit hurts so fucking bad so now i shave my mustache which everybody was like bitch don't because that's gonna make your hair grow back coarser but if i can't i can't afford to keep up with my mustache hair have you tried naring it yes i've tried naring it same it grows back really fast too and it smells and it gives me a headache i hate nair it smells disgusting it's awful it's really bad for you too yeah and just breathing that i'm just curious now i'm just asking yeah i've bleached i've bleached it i've used sally hansen which is like nair um and that shit just smells it's like really sulfury um yeah i've tried

everything so now i just shave it i just shave it i'm like you know what fuck it i don't care i watched um vanderpump rules you know do you ever watch vanderpump rules no there's a guy on there named tom sandoval who shaves his entire face like his forehead too to like i've seen young i've seen makeup artists do it amazing before they put on makeup and it makes it baby smooth yes i would break out so badly if i did that that's fair those hairs exist to they have a purpose your skin they have a purpose but i have been shaving the stash and it's been it's been going well and honestly laser hair probably it's like like the pain is i don't think i've heard laser doesn't hurt i've heard it's like little rubber band snaps yeah and like

right here is just so sensitive you know just uh take a painkiller take a xanax i could i should i have them maybe i should do that before i get my my a brazilian too i'll go with you can we do a bonding activity yeah oh my god will you help me yeah we should do that yeah yeah let's live stream it oh my god yes i'm gonna live stream my just us react it us reacting to her with our faces yeah i like this idea that would be really fun i want to read you this shocking email from a listener okay yay okay okay um i'm gonna get closer to my while you're pulling it up i'm gonna plug our socials i'm certain this is the favorite part of the episode for everybody follow us on twitter tiktok instagram at the holy hour email us at holy hour podcast at gmail.com for your

Fastest, fastest stories. Like this one that Liz is about to read that she told me not to read. Yeah, because I started reading it while I was kind of like writing our topics down. And because I like to see like, oh, what could be relevant? What do we want to talk about? And this new one had come through and it was I could we couldn't not read this. We couldn't not read this. OK, Amelia is going to get comfortable.

I'm going to really settle in for this one. The author of this email did not change the names of some people. So we're going to call her princess and then let's call the man. Do we like him or not? We hate him. Skylar. Skylar. Skylar's were coming from you.

Coming for you. So I'm going to I'm not going to read her introduction. um but essentially some backstories she started like when she was in college this happened in 2009 and when she was in college um she like kind of started seeing this like ultra religious guy named Skylar so um Skylar like obviously really liked her they were like into each other and then he would always like when they'd start to get too close he'd be like no we're just friends even though he liked her and then um because he thought she needed to have a closer relationship with god jesus christ for them to date so to speak and she was like i tried so hard like i went to

church groups that like she just tried to do all this stuff like journaled about like jesus or whatever so journal about jesus or whatever i don't know what what they fucking do in youth group probably just that besides make you feel bad about being a young adult um so so you know she really put in the work and then she had also been dating someone previously and then um had like had sex with that guy okay so oh jesus knows she gives some high level information that her and skylar they like wouldn't kiss but then they did like some hand stuff and she's like i guess in his head he decided everything except like kissing and sex was okay because he hadn't thought about it so she touched his peepee

they never but she's like um i definitely stayed over some nights but we never kissed on the lips had sex um and then after they like did some hand stuff she was like just so you know i am not a virgin and he flipped his shit on her oh so princess gives us some explanation because we had never been officially dating or even technically technically more than just friends i had never felt like it was necessary before i told skylar i wasn't a virgin but obviously i knew that would be a big deal for him so the day after we messed around I thought the right thing to do would be to let him know I sat him down in his room and it was actually pretty hard to say because he had me all ashamed about it but eventually I said I'm not a virgin and he got

really upset and was like crying pretty bad question mark I think I felt pretty shitty about it which makes me kind of mad now fuck him I don't think I ever told Skylar very many details about losing my virginity but it was definitely consensual in the card he makes it sound like i was raped or some shit oh my god plus it was all very new and at the that point i'd only had sex a couple of times so princess hasn't even like had sex very many times and skylar has the audacity to be like i can't believe it um my god the next day happened to be his birthday obviously i didn't tell him that to ruin his birthday i just thought it was important that i disclosed to him kind of happy asap after we messed around that's what he references in the card even though today is my

birthday so i guess he wrote that card the day after i told him um and the card is dated by the way oh my god so so anyway she goes on to say that like uh she went home for the second part of summer and came back to college in august but princess like kind of started seeing some other guys and he like it dwindled out um and then uh he like continued to make her feel pretty shitty about it but also you know when you're like young you kind of like block out these really awful things and then you like have like a flashback later on like right she was like what the fuck um so anyways uh he shows up randomly and gives her this card and what i'm about to do a dramatic reading of is the card he gave okay i'm so excited so to describe the card it is two children

about to kiss on a card. I hate it already. Okay. I hate it already. Oh, God. Stated May 18th, 2009. Should I wait for the sirens to go by?

No, it feels like... Appropriate? It feels appropriate. Okay. Dearest Princess, I am certain that there is not a card at any store anywhere in the world that could express the wild extremes

of my emotions today. it's ironic that this is a birthday card and i'm writing it to you even though it is my birthday yet the statement how i adore you is immeasurably more ironic right now because at one moment it's true and at the next moment i am in the throes of an agonizing heart-rending battle between the mighty forces of love and the terrible bitter jealousy i have never felt or even seen the strength or extent of power contained in the jealousy i am now experiencing firsthand i do not know which force will win although i think it will be love that overcomes but let me say that it is a good thing that the nameless wretch who stole your virginity is outside my reach right now

because if i knew who he was and where to find him i would track him down and instill so much pain in him that he would loathe the day he was born what the fuck and wish that he had never laid eyes on you because of the grief and wretched misery that your lover and potential suitor placed on him for having dared to touch you with his grasping sickening detestable thieving purity snatching hands oh would he loathe the day that he took from you one of your god-given gifts that you were entrusted to bestow upon your future husband upon marriage the gift that once is gone forever never to be reclaimed your virginity these are the thoughts of bitter hatred that have been whirling through my mind ever since your fateful words entered my ears last night

skylar i'm not a virgin after you left last night i wanted to throw stuff get revenge on the guy or jump out the window how dare you princess you were his 13th reason 12.5 what the fuck is wrong with this guy there is more oh my god god please no fortunately for both of you i just threw stuff i managed to break the bulb in my lamp and spilled candy all over the floor little did i know that at that time that i had not even begun to feel even half the pain that you put me through once i crawled into bed the reality started to sink in that if i that even if i married you on the night of our wedding when i crawled into bed with you i would be crawling

into a bed that another man already stained with his seed to have sex with a girl who had already given her body to another man oh my i would just like to point out the problematic language of calling her a girl yes i'm a man yes 100 100 oh my god the freudian is jumping out anyways when it hit me that when it hit me this way i sobbed like i have never sobbed before i didn't care who heard i didn't care about anything except for the gift that you gave that man could never be taken back and that if i married you i would never receive the gift that all men secretly covet how and i cared because my heart hurt like it has never hurt before it was broken with grief i wish i had sweat drops of blood like jesus did because my heart felt pain

like it never felt before pain that i would never wish on anyone except for that guy who inflicted it on me i wish he loved a girl that i could steal from him and violate before his eyes what violate who said she was violated i know i'm like what a weird fucking thing to say she had consensual sex with her boyfriend about like women as objects like i want to do the same thing to who like the thing that he has oh there's a little bit more oh my god how oh princess you don't know what jealousy is nor will you ever understand how you've hurt me shut the fuck up you're my first love my true love my only love i feel betrayed even though you didn't even know me when you decided to give your body to that guy thing why did you do it why why why he literally

writes it three times it's like why question mark why question mark why exclamation point i kind of just want to die right now i think it will probably get easier but i will never forget never never is it all caps at an exclamation point and i don't know but it still might get worse before it gets better again i'm bracing for the worst i don't know right now if i love you or if i hate you and what you represent which scares me why princess why why did you have to do it you could have just said no and then my life wouldn't be all shattered right now i will never ever forget and only god knows if i will be able to forgive you and that guy robbed me i'm a jealous man i'm kidding i don't forget grievances once wronged i never forget without

doing with god without god doing a miracle in my heart oh my god i think i still love you but i'm not sure and i don't know if i could ever marry you because i'm afraid of myself and i'm afraid that i would hold this grudge to my deathbed and that it would ruin my intimacy between us what the fuck who's wronged and broken skylar he signed it wronged and broken like he's writing like a dear amy yes dear abby your abby my girlfriend had sex before i knew her am i the asshole resounding yes what a fucking roller coaster i when i was reading the whole thing i had to stop a few times because i was like that is the most infuriating thing i have ever read right i cannot believe a dramatic reading like that by liz baugh exist in this world he has

pretty good handwriting for being such a fucking idiot oh wow it's very it is pretty solid he has the same handwriting as my brother my brother's an atheist oh god oh no god damn it skylar fuck you skylar i also like that he's just like ultra religious but has never like he's so judgmental and i think that just kind of like sums up sums up like a lot of christian people that's so real if you're christian and you're cool you're that's the only way that you're christian and listening to this probably that's so true i'm so excited uh to hear what you have to say about my dramatic reading first of all beautiful reading thank you honestly inspired i should have tried i should have done it like an adam driver impression just punch the wall

every day i wake up and i wish you were dead he said wretch and wretched about 50 times in that letter he just learned that word that day the man who stole your virginity like what the fuck he didn't steal it it was consensual if you right but it's not her choice you know because women are objects no no she's not a woman she was a girl she's a girl right she was a girl that's an important distinction yes fucking weird if you think about it objectively and think about how weird it is that people care that much about people's genitals touching is it makes it that whole letter was about it was about him it was only about him it was about him and it was about a penis going in a vagina that is a weird thing to put that much weight on that man's entire life

was ruined in that moment what like what the fuck and like also the whole thing about like not wanting to kiss but like i'll give you a handy yeah strange um i won't kiss you but will you touch my peepee but also you're the bad guy yeah like i don't i'm i need to know how old this guy was so this reminds me when i was in college i like briefly was dating someone who was very like religious at the time and he worked at a summer camp um like nearby where i had gone to college but he like when we were talking i was like i just need to tell you like i'm not a virgin he's like oh yeah i know that like did not care well that's how it should be yes exactly i think he's one of the only cool christian people i know wow yep i hope he's doing well me too and he does

seem like he's doing well he's married good beautiful kid love that you know i'm happy and happy for him i it's so okay this this is from like somebody that has spent maybe 10 minutes total in a church but like are they really talking about it that much in church yes that's scary they're like sex is amazing but if you have sex before marriage you're going to hell that's what like cool cool pastors these days they say fuck they swear they're fucking cool but don't have sex that's so weird to me it's it's very bizarre to attach so much meaning to sex yes um considering just like it's so normal and it does not make like i honestly think it only exists and the translation of the bible the way it's been translated so many ways over time like

it's continuously been like it's been changed so many times and it is to control yeah not women specifically but control a lot of people right right and hurt a lot of people yeah it's super super fucked up and i just like having grown up around you know i i love to hate the mormons love to hate love to hate them i'm on mormon slander tiktok and i love it oh nice and i love it it's a little weird that i just openly hate them you know because i just think they're a cult i don't think they're a real religion that's a very new religion didn't some like wacko just like find a book in the woods and he's like i'm god now isn't that mormonism basically 70s okay go on mormon is from the 70s yeah um uh yeah and i don't know i just watching like growing up around

people who were ultra religious and like conservative and very misogynistic was an interesting and awful time to be a teenager oh yeah i'm being honest totally yeah so i just like it's not the there was a guy that i went to high school with and he was very very openly and proudly mormon and he brought in a pamphlet of like rules one day in geometry class and i read it and everyone laughed in his face it was like it was like a week like the whole rule is about like no drinking like coffee or coca-cola until um a mormon person bought coca-cola now that's okay see this is what i mean it's like believe what you want to believe but like the when you start to get hateful and like misogynistic and controlling and try to shove it down other

people's throats and like make your belief someone else's problem and and and and that's when it becomes an issue and there's so much of that like that whole fucking letter of being like this is what i believe and so like i need you to know that you're a bad fucking person because is what i believe it's like also like what do you want she can't like go back in time and change it right i'm sorry you're so sad about it's um what i've decided to do with my body um come as you are explains like religion so well and how it has like been very negative towards like um understanding sexuality those things need to be separate separate church and state separate church and sexuality yes because i think people get lost forgetting that like the overall message of

religion is to don't be a fucking shitty person that's what religion is yeah i'm starting my own religion and it's called don't be a fucking shitty person yes and that's the premise of the whole thing i'm trying to figure out if there's like a cool like acronym there or not acronym um db is that acronym a f sp well it's a working title yeah but i'm joining this religion can you baptize me yes okay cool i'm getting baptized into this religion um the baptism is um shotgunning a white claw and you can just take your time okay you know judgment yeah yeah you can and you you can you have to consume the white claw however you would like so um i'm just making this up on the spot as this is your bible this is what your bible says this is what the book that you found

they made it up in their own time you know um they just made it up on the spot and that's what i'm doing right now so yeah here here goes um to be baptized you have to consume a white claw specifically or if you don't drink you can consume a beverage of your choice okay um and it has to be in a flamingo beer bong um a full bongo yeah or a shambong um shotgun it's also something i will accept all right um cool and or just you know do something crazy with it as long as if at the end you feel proud you've been baptized baby fuck yeah welcome to the church of don't be a shitty fucking person hell yeah hell yeah i'm i am so bought into this yeah that's just that's the point of religion

don't be a shitty fucking person and then um use some of the lessons to learn from your life and reflect and find peace in the mistakes you've made and choose to learn from them should you write like amendments i think you should that'll be on our patreon i'll help write them because i'm the i'll be the vice president of don't be a shitty fucking person only cool cisgendered people and exclusively uh the queers um it's mostly the queers and then only cool cisgender people i if this church existed i would be i would go every sunday yeah wait what's our day of worship because it can't be sunday no it is we're reclaiming sundays sunday scaries no more no you shotgun a drink on sunday shotgun sundays drink a bloody mary

oh bloody mary mondays yeah shotgun sundays bloody mary mondays tequila tuesdays we just have one for every day wine wednesdays thirsty thursdays you drink everything uh-huh flabongo fridays damn you came up with all of that shambong with an s saturdays we got them all covered yeah yeah cool this is why i'm the vice president of don't be a shitty fucking person church i'm so excited me too and the church is going to be dive bars yeah yeah i love this dive bars dive bars and uh queer bars wow yeah welcome to our house so yep welcome all right welcome to my house so i have a man update i'm really honestly when this first happened i was kind of bummed that we weren't recording

because i was like i want to talk about this right now but it's good that it's good that i didn't because i'm feeling differently about it now okay so moscow is no more bye which honestly i was thinking on the way over here i was like i should have like a like a three date rule before i bring up a dude on the podcast but that was the first time i had brought up a guy because i liked him after the first date since squints and squints has been a consistent he's been a staple um we love squints you're making me nervous does this look okay okay um i was eyeballing that yeah what the fuck is that um so uh

it was so funny before I went I was on the east coast that's why we had to record two days in a row um so this is the first time I'm seeing Liz in a week which hurts um no two weeks right anyway it's been a long time um so I was on the east coast and I didn't get to see Moscow before I left and I texted him before I left I'm like please still like me when I get back and he never responded to that but I was like whatever because he was like he like had me on a pedestal you know like he was always talking about like how everybody should know their worth but like I'm worth more he like really put me on like a kind of like a so he just like went out of his way to be like yes yeah yes he I think I think that he just had an idea of who I wasn't in his mind

that wasn't a reality of who I actually was like he listens to the podcast so he's gonna hear this but like i i kind of always felt like i wasn't ever going to live up to his expectations of like how cool he thought i was so he like pulled jake dylan hall on you like your idea of me who was she who was she moscow but apparently um so so after we uh i was on the east coast i was it was the day before i came home i noticed that he had been really distant just the past like few days after he had just put me on a pedestal on Monday like he was just like really talking me up and really making me feel good and he was like I can't wait to see you blah blah blah and then on Thursday night I texted him and I was like are you good and he was like you're just

basically um doing like a recap of the Ashley Simpson song on a Monday I am waiting Tuesday i am fading by wednesday that's so real i can't breathe wow yeah wednesday i was like something's up thursday i didn't hear from him thursday i asked him and i was like are you okay he was like oh my god sorry i've been so swamped with work yeah i'm totally fine why what's wrong and i was like oh you've just seemed distant and he was like oh no i'm good are you good and i was like yeah and he was like so are you like excited to go he like changed the subject he was like are you excited to go home like are you ready blah blah blah and so i was like telling him that i was gonna have to spend like four hours at the airport and like blah blah blah all this shit

and then I was like how was work and then like 10 minutes later I get this long text from him that was like hey so I feel like I owe it to you to tell you that like this the girl that I told you about on our first date that I was dating which I don't remember hearing about this girl and I feel like I would have I'm not saying he lied about telling it but like it was clearly not a big deal when he brought it up to me because I do not remember the conversation um but like she decided that she wanted to be exclusive and so he was thinking about it and he wants to do that how he worded this text was i no notes like it was fine you know what i mean it was honest and it was good and like i was in my feelings about it because i like him a lot

and i was caught off guard um but like it was fine he was being honest like he was going to be exclusive with this girl but i was pissed very pissed and in my feelings in the moment and liz knew because she was catching the heat of it um the fact that i had to fucking ask i think that that's the thing that was most annoying to me like the time he the right time for him to have that conversation with you was the second he had it with this other person yeah right and for it to be like yeah i'm fine and there was like actually no i do owe it to you to tell you it's like yeah because you're about to be exclusive with this person and you're telling me that nothing's wrong that pissed me off also i'm sure to her whenever they had this fucking conversation

they were exclusive the moment they had that conversation yep yeah right you don't know what he said to her right it's not like it's like i need like a buffer period of three days like it's like no it's probably in that moment and then i think it's pretty selfish of him to keep you on the line until and then like oh i'm just gonna make you uncomfortable until you give me a window to talk about it yeah right and it's like that was my issue with it that's my issue with it too the the principle of it was what pissed me off I told him that and his response to it was again great except for the fact of it being like I feel like you you deserve to know it's like yeah that pissed me off anyone does everyone does and like the piece of it that was like I don't want

you to feel like I'm choosing someone over you like I wasn't until he said that and then I was like ouch you know like I'm not gonna like measure myself up against another person I don't even know who this person is honestly and like I don't need to know but it was triggering because that's always the case for me like when I really like someone there's another person almost every time save like music man who's just like not gonna commit to anyone but like in every other instance when I've really really liked someone there's been someone else I mean I really like when I like people i don't just like kind of like them you know i'm like very black and white about how i feel about people i'm either like yeah i like spending time with you and like i don't really

see anything more than that or i'm like i want all of your children tomorrow can we make it happen you know what i mean um that's a good moment to switch over to our sex fact of the week wow i that was i'm going for the baritone i really i threw you a curveball on that one okay do this also were you done with your thoughts about what we were just talking about i just kind of abruptly switched switched gears i think so okay cool all right i don't even i can't keep track of what i'm thinking about me neither it's getting late we've been talking for a while now um so this is uh to kind of tie into our um religion and virgin thoughts conversation. This is from coatscounseling.com.

3% of people have no sexual fantasies at all, which is an interesting thing. I'll read it and then we'll discuss. Think you're a freak for thinking about freaky stuff? Nope. Even though most people don't talk about it, fully 97% of us have sexual fantasies, according to Justin LaMiller, PhD, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of a study on sexual fantasies and a very long book title that i don't want to read the vast majority say they fantasize somewhere between several times per week and several times per day really the surprising part is that there are some people who report zero sexual fantasies do you believe it i do believe it there i mean asexual people exist they don't get enough recognition or acknowledgement in day-to-day

stuff amen i'm just like sure this is a sex and dating podcast but asexual people exist and like yes um like i don't know i that's why i definitely agree with it they're just it doesn't cross their mind and if they have thought about it and then they're like that seems weird yeah i'm not interested right right three percent kind of feels low but that's also a lot of people three percent of people is a lot of people a lot of people um and i'm sure there's technically even even if someone does like has thought about sex like i'd like to know how many people were surveyed in this study um just because like i'm sure asexual people have considered having sex and like ace people like still will have partners and get married and have sex because it makes their

partner happy yeah you know that's like a but they don't fantasize about it exactly and that doesn't mean that it's also not enjoyable it's just like um i can't explain asexuality like how it feels because i'm not asexual yeah so i just i there needs to be more representation agreed that i feel like the first time i saw asexuality represented was in bojack horseman oh yeah one of the characters todd is asexual oh because everyone's like oh why aren't you dating this person and then they're like what who do you like and then he's like i don't really like anyone and then they're like oh you might be asexual and then he meets a group of asexual people and he's like trying to get out of this marriage to like a celebrity and then um they're he's like oh i'm

getting married to this person and then they're like oh my god congratulations and he's like but i'm asexual and they're like yeah plenty of asexual people like get married and are in happy relationships wow yeah i had no idea bojack horseman was so woke they have a lot of honestly i love bojack horseman a lot of people do it covers a lot of ground one of my favorite lines from bojack horseman is like um they're trying to get gun laws passed and then when women start using guns for like and doing mass shootings then that's when they start imposing gun laws damn and then they're like i can't uh diane says i can't believe this country hates women more than it loves guns damn holy fuck yeah and that's i think a solid representation yeah it hates women more

than it loves guns damn that's fucking real so ladies buy a gun time to grab a glock and don't please don't do that you're gonna get called into a court yeah they're gonna be like this person committed a crime call my call our podcast after listening to the holy hour podcast got inspired so you cited bojack horseman i do not condone or incite any of that i'm actually pretty traumatized from what uh the reason we live in yeah well i specifically have this like deep-rooted fear of um like mass shootings yeah me too um and that has to do a lot with my like crowd anxiety of like why i hate the grocery store and like essentially blackout when i'm in there have you felt that's why i've got my stupid little list have you felt different since taking lexapro

a little yeah prozac's helped me a lot with my crowd anxiety i mean i still like in like if somebody's sitting behind me on a plane i don't think they're gonna choke me out anymore which is you know that's a good progress yeah progress so yeah no but going back to what we're talking about um ace people i want to learn more about it because this is i think it's really important for a sex podcast to talk about asexuality yeah i think we should yeah if you have any experiences if you're comfortable telling us about it i would love to hear from an ace person what what their experience is there's also there's such a large spectrum of like sexuality and like um sexual identities um like there's you could be like demi-romantic so you don't

have any sexual fantasies unless you're romantically involved with someone um there's also demisexual like there's just uh an array yeah of where you could land on that's why when people say it's a spectrum that's what they mean it's beautiful rainbow there's not just like any one category that people fit in it's just like a wide like a wide range and there's also i think we want rules as people because we're like i want to know that i'm normal yeah and you are no matter what you're normal yeah and or nobody's normal and that's normal yes exactly nobody's normal and that's normal the the normal the what what's it called in a science experiment the control yeah the control is that nobody's normal yeah i love that that's gonna be the

just be a good fucking normal don't be a fucking asshole what was the name of our religion don't be a shitty fucking don't be a fucking shitty person don't be a fucking shitty person yeah yeah i was changing it to don't be a shitty fucking person we'll we'll nail it down same same we'll nail it down that'll be our amendment number three is uh nobody's normal and that's normal yeah exactly i love it yeah okay well um that's a good place to end i agree we i could keep talking to you for the next hour honestly yeah i gotta cut it off i've missed you i miss you too well that means we'll have plenty to record next week oh yeah i have things to say always okay we love you you can't see because our camera died but i'm holding one of liz's hands

with both of my hands i know me too it's a it's a okay we love you our children wow that was the worst it's been