The Hoely Hour - E66 Show Me The CUMFAX

Episode Date: December 10, 2021

Airtags, now sponsored by Joe from YOU! Apparently Airtags are another new and horrifying way your ex or a sex trafficker can start keeping tabs on your location. Amelia and Liz discuss the lengths people have gone to to make their ex jealous. And a listener writes in with a gruesome story A La the movie "Teeth". Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Amelia was telling me when she got here that apparently a bunch of witches are getting their calling. They're waking up right now. So in addition to a podcast, we are starting a coven. Yeah. Anybody want to join? welcome to the holy hour i'm amelia samson and i'm liz ball it feels like we're doing a seance because we're holding hands um you know what i've been watching you have you seen it yeah okay have have is this this is my first time you oh my god so you're

starting on season one yep i'm on episode eight of season one right now so i have two more episodes left in the season this is what an exciting moment for you i honestly you was one of those shows that i was like there's no way it's gonna live up to the hype everybody freaks the fuck out about how good the show it and it's actually and you know what changed my mind was cardi b because i feel like she has high expectations does that yeah she does you know she her and penn badgley is how you say his name badgley i think yeah i don't know they like met and then she was like oh my god i found joe and then he figured out her address and sent her like a box like as joe and i was like all right it's time i have to watch it i love a good pr move the

commitment oh yeah oh my god also fucking just reading what he has to say about joe like in interviews is like he's like yeah this guy is insane yeah and he's so good at it like his little micro expressions like i don't know i don't know and it's like it's so interesting how they write him like you're kind of rooting for him and then you're like somehow on his side but i think that's like that's what i love about the show is because you can get into the thoughts of someone who is like a psychopath a sociopath a narcissist and he like has no idea he's like no he like thinks he's doing the right shit oh he thinks he's so virtuous he's like talking about my hair was bugging him um also this was a bad idea it's so noisy um he's talking about i'm not i'm trying

to not do any spoilers in case i'm not the last person in the world to see it but like when he's talking about peach stalking beck like she's crazy she's like stalking you i'm like it's you he truly thinks he's just like doing the right thing i don't know the first time somebody told me to watch this was when i was dating a guy that um katie was saying like i don't feel good about this like you have to watch you this is like exactly how it is on you um and it is i mean like he i don't he wasn't stalking me but like the obsessive behavior was similar he like knew too much about me and he was like always trying to be there for me and like be like caring and protective and shit and he's like what kind of stuff i got that vibe too yeah he's just like

i don't like he would just it was like he went back into my like very old tweets and was like he like knew too much about like my favorite movies and like the shit that i would like talk about that was like kind of obscure he would like bring up in conversation and like he knew about all my friends um like just through social media and like i could tell that he was going through my liked tweets like shit like that i was like this is normal behavior now that i'm watching you i'm like no i understand what you meant i want to pose a question yeah um i'm going to play a cis hetero white guy instead of devil's advocate and play cis hetero white guy advocate um how do you feel like that is different than like when we do shit like that yeah because

i'm like going through someone's like tweets i did that shit oh yeah me too i fucking do that shit i was like what is he doing he didn't text me back he's on twitter it was like i think that it was paired with his like aggressive behavior toward me he was very you haven't talked about this guy on the podcast just because I know it's been like a while um well and also for a while when you would talk about him I would always cut it out because I had this awful gut feeling that he might do something yeah yeah hurt you or I don't know I didn't have a I didn't have a good feeling and that's why I removed it I'm glad I listened to my gut yeah me too don't really know what this guy's up to now but yeah we're not even gonna give him a nickname because there's

like nothing really to like sum him up without giving it away yeah he was um he he was like kind of like mean to you if that makes sense like um he would try and make you feel bad yeah yeah totally yeah whenever I like brought anything up to him or like when I like tried ending it with him it was like always a very aggressive like gaslighting kind of situation yeah it's like well I don't even like you or right like what am I trying to make you my girlfriend like yeah like you don't need to be mad that I just don't feel the same way right right so I don't know when yeah it's just it I was flying a little too close to the sun on that and now that I'm watching you I'm like oh fuck like and I know that it's scripted and like

everything but it's so I guess there is a difference there is a difference between like being curious and being like I want to know what this person likes versus like being um like intentional and i don't want to say malicious but you there's like a purpose behind it which is to be like i'm gonna get to know to know this person yeah and use this information to go talk to them yep or appeal to them yep i also think that if i were doing something like that i don't know if i would like try and like disguise it like yeah oh um i'm gonna talk bring up your favorite movie or something you just tweeted about or liked or whatever yeah i'd just be like oh my god i saw this yeah i saw you saw this yeah there there are ways what do you think or like make a

joke i don't know right right like oh there are ways to make it not weird i think it was like so he like covered it up so much that it was like but i could still it was just a very very strange behavior i don't know he in in if you haven't seen you just skip the next like 30 seconds i'll give you time um okay they when they broke up in season one and like she was like going through his shit and she was he was going through her shit and it was just kind of like if i can't see what you're doing how do i know that you're okay like that is such a human experience like there's such a big difference between joe doing that and joe doing what he was doing all of the episodes before which was like killing her ex-boyfriend you know um so yeah it's just like

a really interesting juxtaposition of behaviors of like normal kind of like quote-unquote like stalkerish behavior and then like actual stalkerish behavior i don't know it's just a really interesting the show is a work of art it is like a it is beautiful it just gets better and better oh i'm so excited i finished season three like a month ago or something oh shit yeah when it came out i binged all of it obviously right i can't stop it's like all i think about i started it two days ago and I'm like trying to like really pace myself well this also kind of leads into a couple of things I've been thinking about over the last few weeks that I wanted to talk to you about perfect so the first one is just a kind of touches a little bit on what we just talked about of like

oh looking at like someone's tweet like tweets to see like what they're doing yeah um just kind of like doing these things to keep tabs so I was thinking of this like this girl that I saw on tiktok was explaining how she would hide her story from everyone and then um like would make these like posts like where she's dressed up cute like she's gonna go out on the town i sound so old out on the town hit the town yeah girls yeah no she's just like like she's going out with her friends and stuff or like going on a date or whatever and specifically so her ex would see and like be like oh what's she doing and like to make him jealous block it from everyone except him yeah so it was still her public story but no one else could see it except for him and then she was like

people always think this is so entertaining and like i want to talk about it and then i was like comments go right to the comments and everyone is like oh i've done this and like i'll play music in the background like party background sounds like music and like people talking so it sounds like they're at a party yeah damn so that's that's a level of commitment like and then she was like yeah i like posted like um i turned i went into my closet and turned all the lights off and like took a selfie so it looks like i was at like a club or something and she's like it doesn't really it's just like dark i don't she's like i didn't do very well with this picture but that is so fucking she was like this is on new year's and then after i like got all dressed up

I changed into sweatpants and spent the night with like my mom and my sister that is the shit okay when you texted me this it was like such a sigh of relief because I did that shit so much toward the end of me and my ex's relationship like I hid at the time I had like 1100 followers and I hid my story from every single one of them he didn't follow me anymore but I was noticing he was checking my story sometimes but I didn't like what am I gonna like add him to a close friend story he doesn't follow me so it's like he's not gonna see that because that's what like when i would talk to people about this or like i talked to really just katie about it i was like i was telling her and she's like doesn't my close friend story exist it's like but it's then they see that

it's close friend story yeah i can't have that i need him to think that i'm just like doing this publicly so then i would like add his friends to the list of people who could see it like so there was like an orbit it was so fucking nuts so knowing that there were people in the comments like oh yeah makes me feel so much better about it this is the like crazy on like air quote crazy behavior that i think that we feel alone in doing and we're not part of me was like the some of the comments that i was reading i was like women are fucking brilliant yeah that's amazing i was like the lengths we will just figure out how something works and be like how can i make this work for me yeah that's amazing and although i do think like these are clearly like self-destructive

behaviors i'm also not above them like i've totally done shit like this yeah like uh when i wanted to make someone jealous i remember i showed you what i wanted to post and it was like when someone was like dming me something um like a famous person and i was like oh my god i want to show that he's in my dms but i only want one person to see it so they were the only person on my close friends and i wanted him to be jealous fuck yeah okay he was not jealous he was like that's so fucking cool oh i remember yes i remember this yes it's like oh see the close friend story though is it could be such a like i used to treat my close friend story as like free only fans yeah i felt blessed so i was like oh my god yeah you were on it because it was around

the time that we started the podcast and i was like see i'm like i'm like sexy i can talk about sex publicly i'm like totally cool but it was like very i can't imagine doing that now i've been added to some guys close friend stories that are like that and i'm like wow and i don't know if it's just i think it's different when you're also attracted to them uh-huh you know it's like if you're added to a guy that you're attracted to his close friend story and it's like thirst traps it's like oh but then it's like if it's just like a friend of yours it's like you know i'm added to some people's close friends and i'm like we're not close friends i haven't talked to you or like what kind of stuff do you want me to be seeing yes isn't that strange i never post i'm

i like almost never posted my close friends but i the things i do post on my close friends it's stuff that i think people would be entertained by but i just don't want to share with the general in public like a lot of horusco stuff oh yeah or um i can't i don't know like i would i used to post like some really weird shit at the beginning of the pandemic because i was so bored yeah heard so heard that was like my elite content it was like my my free patreon yes for for people i remember i added so many of my close friends are like fuck yeah this is the content i want yeah okay so i was just about to say like there are some people that add me other close friends list that i haven't talked to in years i'm like what the fuck but then there are other people that add

me to their close friends list that i'm like kind of peripherally friends with but i think they're really fucking cool and then i get added to their close friends list i'm like i fucking made it it's just such a good feeling i don't know we're all stupid and posting stupid stuff on our close friends like what we made for dinner or something i don't know yeah try to think of the last thing i almost posted my uh spotify wrapped on my close friends but to be honest i love looking at people's spot me too people are such jerks about it i wanted to see i i like seeing what people are listening to and like um it's like music astrology for me i'm like oh okay so those are your top three all right what songs do you have bo burnham are you okay right why is bo burnham your number

two artist we need to talk uh yeah i me and squint sat down he was over a few nights ago and we just sat down and went through a close friends list one by one or not close friends list um the spotify wrapped one by one we would like play one slide and then pause it and then the other person would play a slide i love that we just like talked about it it's just such like a stupid little like activity for us to do but it was so fun because it's like i don't know what are you listening to it was so fun well so i wanted to ask what is like the greatest length you think you've gone to like i know we've talked about stuff like this before in past episodes but that was also like a year and a half ago so the greatest thing that i've gone changed to like

like stock what's your like sleuth level ability oh that's a really good question like something that you just i mean we're open books at this point so but under normal circumstances where you didn't have a podcast what is something that you wouldn't want people to know i've just done so much creepy shit i mean i obviously have a burner instagram i actually don't go on it very much anymore i really only i use my burner rarely it's like if i want to look at something someone posted but i don't want to accidentally like it or something or i don't know yeah it's just like if i'm gonna creep on someone i don't know yeah that's what i go use but i'm not looking at anyone specific it's just like oh i want to do

like if i'm looking at someone if i'm creeping on your behalf like because i'm being nosy i'll go to my burner account because i'm like oh i want to see like what they're doing like who do they know what are they doing but yeah otherwise i used to use it a little too toxically like yeah that's like I would look at people who like used to date my boyfriend and make myself mad for no reason because I literally don't know these people or what they're like and he doesn't talk about them at all so it's just too easy to spiral I have nothing to be upset about but I'm gonna find something to be upset about it's just I've said this a million times on the podcast but it's been a while like my therapist I was talking to my therapist about this exact thing I'm like this

shit is too accessible like it's too easy for me to see like what my ex is doing or like what like my ex's girlfriend is doing like there's just like it's too easy and she was like yeah and this is so new because like back in my day she's like really young she's like 40 but she's like back when I was dating like I had to drive by my ex's house to see what he was doing like we didn't have everything right in front of us it's like too easy to figure shit out now and it's like you have to actively stop yourself from doing it and once i deleted my burners and like stopped just like digging through the internet i started feeling so much better yeah it removes this huge because you're making yourself anxious yeah for no reason because you'll you'll find if you're looking

for something you'll become addicted to the feeling i get it feels like you're getting like a high from finding something that like makes you angry yeah um what was i gonna say it's also like if you're if you're looking to deconfirm something you get addicted to that feeling it's like when you go to it's like i'm gonna look for this and if i don't find it i'm gonna feel better and it's like then you don't find it it's like oh my god then you feel better for like 10 minutes i feel like i when i would be like i'm gonna go look for something and if i find i don't find anything i'll feel better like when i would do that i always would find something and the worst is when you don't find anything and then you're like i am such a fucking asshole

like why do i think that i don't deserve to be with someone who is just kind to me yeah and then i'm like how come i haven't dated anyone like that before and then i just go into a different spiral yeah i'm like why don't i believe i deserve this level of like love and care yeah uh yeah no there's that's like you really something that i've learned through therapy is like there's there are so many deep deep reasons for the behaviors that we have well also alternatively my therapist when i've talked to her about stuff like this she's like well if they're posting it for anyone to see like who cares if you see it but she does say the same thing of like this is pretty new yeah having this ability to like

see people's lives i also while we're talking about social media i have a pet peeve of people being like well what you see on social media isn't real i'm like sometimes it fucking is like sometimes people are really fucking happy like um of course people are posting like the positive stuff and not everyone is posting like negative like oh i had a bad day yeah i think that's more common now right where people are like gonna talk a little more deeply about something or share like some deeper feelings um but like i'm not gonna like post a picture of me like sitting on the toilet like oh had a a rough day yeah taking a massive shit yeah i don't know yeah um i it just of course people are going to post the best things because like but i i don't think it's

because they're like they want other people to think that they're living some dream life it's just like yeah i'm doing this cool thing and i documented it yeah maybe i maybe other maybe maybe i'm wrong maybe people are posting like they want to give the facade that they're like living some amazing like influencer yeah mom i think a lot of people are masking they're like being sad with stuff like that so i think that there are some people like you're saying that like do do that but i think the majority of people especially now like with gen z being so obsessed with like being anxious and depressed and like making sure that because it's kind of trendy right now to be anxious and depressed not saying that they're not but like people are really

airing it out like they never have before and like that kind of feels like the new that like the pendulum has swung to the other side now it's like everyone was like trying to like look like these like travel influencers and now everyone's like we're all fucking sad let's all be like sad together and i hadn't even thought about that i wonder if it's gonna swing back maybe because maybe post-pandemic when the roaring 20s happen again i watched this trend forecaster say that like the you know how like the low-rise jeans and shit like that those are those trends are coming back and she's like the inevitable after of that is like gonna be kind of like this like punk grunge hippie thing like you know like kesha yeah back in the day like 2010 kesha oh my

god i'm putting glitter on my face every day i'm stoked me too i am stoked for the punk rock return um and just because of social media and how accessible just like information is i'm interested to see like how it will be different yeah because it's gonna be like similar but with like a new age twist yeah yeah yeah it'll be interesting I was just like trying to envision something about like what Kourtney Kardashian looks like right now now that she's like engaged to Travis Parker and like how much her style's changed and I fucking love her style now I'm like I could get down with that I don't know like I don't know Megan Fox always looks like hot a little bit yeah like a little bit grungy and like a little bit punk rocky i could get down with it i could make

it work i could make it work i started wearing mascara again and that's kind of always running oh my god so like i kind of already have like the under eye dark i'm so fucking ready i was born for this here we are let's go we're ready leaning into your fucking punk rock phase again i was just looking at all my old myspace pictures shit's wild man well my myspace is gone for forever so is mine so the pictures i had will never be right i saved some of my facebook which is how i saw them but um one other last stalker tidbit type thing that i wanted to talk about that i've been seeing a lot of um air tags yo air tag so if people haven't heard or seen about seen anything about this uh people are using air tags to track mostly women um like hiding them on people's cars

like in the license plate things like that um and uh i do think that there's a theory that sex traffickers are doing it um so that's a new fear to unlock for you but your phone will notify you that like where the air tag is in your vicinity is like tracking you so that had like apple had to create this alert thank god like you are being traced essentially was it or like the person with the air tag can see where you your location is because i think it can see like oh the air tag is not near this person right but it's like the phone is so close by yeah are air tags like tiles like do you put them on like your keys to like not to not lose your keys that's what they're for yeah i never heard about them until this like scary shit started happening

with them okay so that was my first question my second thing is whenever like these trends start popping up like of like how sex traffickers are like tracking people i feel like they move on to something else like when like something gets like blown up then they're like we can't keep using this i also i think that the way people are sex trafficked is way more like they're not coming up with all these new tactics i think it's the same things for the most part most that's how most sex traffickers are operating yeah i think just like staying like hyper vigilant all the time no matter what is probably the way to go but now i want to like check underneath my car and shit and like in my license plate it's just like I don't know shit's fucking scary I think well I think you'd

get a notification right and I think that's just like it's insane that they had to even make that like this is the opposite of what their intention was right like right and I don't know I'm just always I think maybe because I'm watching you so much recently like knowing how visible my apartment is from the street like you saw it it's so visible and like unless i'm closing all of my blinds which i don't like i don't know you don't want to live it it's already dark enough it's so dark i don't want to fucking close my blinds all the time you can't really see in there during the day but at night it's you can see everything i'm doing in there yeah and i just like don't love that i don't know just like always feeling watched or like you always kind of have to like keep an eye out for

yourself because somebody might put like an air tag on your fucking car like that's just fucking bizarre so now you have to like think holistically like oh i guess i'll never post a picture of my car right shit like that can i change gears to something fun yeah okay so um so i've stumbled upon this article of um so we always say there are no stupid questions like whenever people write into us and all the questions that y'all send us are not dumb so this is not a slight but i found this article of um 12 what the fuck sex questions you won't believe people have actually asked and it's all men that have asked these questions which i think makes it even funnier and i'm gonna read you a couple of them so this is one of them two days ago i had unprotected sex with my girlfriend

to prevent pregnancy we bought a plan b pill but in the heat of the moment i popped it instead of her can it cause any complications for me why would he take it this is what good sex ed programs are so important i want to know what his thoughts were of like no i just want to live on the edge i don't know if he was just like so panicked yeah they are i bet it made his nipples sensitive yeah maybe oh yeah oh yeah i don't know tender and maybe how you feel after you eat like a lot of soy yeah um if a man and woman masturbate at the same time thinking about sex can it lead to pregnancy that feels like a middle schooler wrote that or like is there someone who like i don't know was raised by like someone ultra religious yeah it's so sad that's like when i

thought that i was pregnant from dry humping my boyfriend with jeans on growing up my mormon boyfriend don't know you just can't be too sure neither of us had gotten the education we needed at that point um okay there's only a few more of these i'm only reading the really good ones how will a child born from a mix of semen samples of a black man white man an indian man and a chinese man turn out you don't like put the semen in like a blender and they all become just one i like that concept though me too it kind of sounds like i'd take it yeah oh yeah um but that's not how that works i have heard that any kind of acidic substance can prevent pregnancy can i pour some drops of lemon or orange juice in my girlfriend's vagina after intercourse will

it harm her i kind of get it like thinking logically without like a whole lot of logic i guess that would make sense it doesn't work it won't work but just pour some apple cider vinegar in there yeah just like it fixes everything yeah funnel some apple cider vinegar in your little bit of coconut oil i haven't every time i look for a home remedy for something the answer is apple cider vinegar or coconut oil and um cayenne pepper that's a big one yeah i was doing shots of apple cider vinegar and cayenne pepper every morning for a while there um don't do that if you have acid reflux i found out the hard way what were you doing that for um we lost one of those little cleanse things it was like during when i turned 25

i had like a big like eating disorder relapse and um i cried the entire night leading up to my 25th birthday because i had gained like three pounds it was awful awful awful and i started taking shots of apple cider vinegar and cayenne pepper and lemon juice every single morning and that shit burns your esophagus would not would not recommend um opening up the mailbag and that's the dumbest fucking thing i've ever said in my life we just got a letter we just got a letter we just got a letter i wonder if this is copyright i think it's just different i think if you key it up a little bit like you did i think we're safe from copyright infringements um just listen to your latest podcast episode episode 65 and you were worried about them being able to smell your

butt when doing doggy style well as a queer person who only has sex with humans with vaginas i can tell you i have never noticed butt smells even in a 69 position which i feel like if you're going to accidentally smell a butt that's when it would happen i feel like as long as you clean yourself well beforehand it shouldn't be an issue hope that helps also just wanted to say thanks for being so open on the podcast it has really helped me feel more comfortable having open conversations about sex with my partners and friends um i am in my 20s and started having a hoe phase after coming off of zoloft i felt like i had the sex drive of my teenage self again fuck yes i was raised in a religious household and even though i'm not religious i've had a very complicated

relationship with sex for most of my life i was raised around purity culture homophobia and not ever discussing sex hearing open honest conversations has helped me feel more comfortable with casual sex which has been a lot of fun don't worry i've been safe i love the podcast and can't wait to hear what you and liz talk about next week oh hell yeah hell yeah the seriously like it feels very like kind of self-aggrandizing to read those things out loud but it actually means so much to us when y'all say these things to us because i don't know it's just like because it it i think it's weird because um we know people listen but to us we're just like dicking around on my couch for like talking how we normally do yeah for like an hour yeah

and then there's a light blasting in our face that's the only difference and like we feel like y'all are our friends now ever since especially since we added a camera it's like oh they're right here yeah hi welcome i'm so happy you're in our living room with us this is our living room now um yeah i got ownership over your living room i think that your ex was just fucking with you i don't think he could actually smell your asshole okay i think that he was just trying to say something like gross yeah because like yeah i said something gross that he did yeah i don't think he i think it was like in jest but maybe you thought you took it seriously maybe i don't think he was like trying to lie to you because i asked mr liz at dinner last week i was like i have a couple

questions for you that we discussed on the podcast and i need your perspective and then he's like oh god what are you about to ask me i was like well i um i explained the story of like your ex like saying he could smell your butthole when he was hitting it from behind and then he was like that has never happened to me he's like no and i was like not even when you're like getting my butt and he's like no so um and then uh we also had a listener who uh tweeted at us yeah and he said that he's never he's like he's like approximate he calls me the ass shaman yes hell yeah i want it to stick ass shaman um he said that zero percent of people will smell your butthole when they're hitting it from behind and um also oh i asked about the semen thing

because when we were talking about like the oh like the yeah the cum information yeah oh yeah yeah because i was like i was like what is the appeal like that's like so like why do you want to like cum a lot and then um he was like i don't know because it's just like sad if it's just like that's literally the sound that he made that is a good point actually and then i was like so it's kind of like an ego thing he's like absolutely that makes sense that makes sense because like yeah yeah right that makes sense that it would be an ego thing and we did get a we got an email from a male listener and i'm sorry we haven't read we didn't pre-screen our emails today like we usually do um we saw that it was

very long so we will read it and circle back yeah but uh i guess i could read the ps because that's the only thing that my quick little scanning saw was about the the cum specifically so this is from a cis straight man he disclosed it at the top so it's not just me being saying that um he said p.s more cum means better slash longer orgasm at least for me also it definitely makes me feel more like a masculine manly man and i can produce more cum maybe that's a social construct maybe it's evolutionary probably a bit of both it makes a lot of sense yeah and uh we'll we'll read your full email a little later yeah yeah it looks like it looks spicy trying to see who wrote it yeah i don't know them thank you so much

that's the amount of effort that goes into writing something like this seriously hell thank you yeah and you guys always send us like the most entertaining yeah like we that we never know what we're gonna read no and it's always such a fucking wild ride sometimes like when we're setting up we'll read one of the emails to each other like that before we read it on air and we're both just like audibly exclaiming at each other um i asked uh squints about the butt thing too okay bless his heart he said exactly what i was expecting him to do you want to know the answer and i was like i don't know do i and he was like i've never i can honestly say and you know that i would tell you i've never smelled your butthole but he said that sometimes just because of like

when you're like doing doggy like the air wafts up like the air has to go somewhere and sometimes it wafts up and it's kind of like a smell but it's not like but it's not like poop smell you know it's just kind of like a undercarriage smell i mean an undercarriage you know i mean like uh genitals smell smell a certain way i don't think they smell bad no they just have a smell yeah especially when you're fucking especially when you're fucking that's the smell of sex just hanging in the air after sex yeah it's just just fucking the way like spit kind of smells like something you know everything kind of smells like something yeah anyways don't don't use um harsh chemicals on your genitals i don't know amen that's the gospel for today yeah um

this one is titled the importance of foreplay horror story topic let's do it and i just it looks longer because i just zoomed in we're gonna read another email and the subject line of this one is the importance of foreplay a horror story hello lovely ladies first obviously i need to say thank you for this podcast you two are a true bright spot in my week and one of my favorite parasocial relationships same um i have always wanted to i've always wanted more people to talk openly about all the things that you do it makes me feel more normal you're both so silly and caring and snarky and you're both the best okay gushing over i want to hook you yeah that's so nice can you send this to my mom I feel like I just got like a an outstanding on my behavior on

my report card I have been thinking about sending this story into the podcast for a while and I probably should have sent it for your Halloween episode but oh well and honestly as much as it's a bit gruesome I've never ever heard anyone I know say they share this experience so I guess if other listeners have had this happen then we won't be alone anymore me female 33 she her okay thank you um okay so this happened to me twice once when i was 16 with the second guy i ever had sex with and again when i was 18 the first guy we have been dating for a few months it was high school so neither of us had much experience with sex but we knew i liked foreplay but i knew i liked foreplay like a lot of foreplay like more than a teenage boy is able to give without losing

his mind apparently this meant i'd gotten used to guys just not really getting my engine running before hopping in there so we're hooking up there's some mild foreplay some hand stuff no going down on me because teenage boys eye roll and then he oh and he goes to stick it in me he's uncircumcised he's a bit nervous so i figured we'd have a bit of trouble anyways on top of me not quite ready being ready to go we get going eventually like maybe a minute or two of trying to fully get in fully and he goes for maybe 10 minutes i don't come but he says can we stop it's a bit i'm like oh shit sure he pulls out winces we look down and there's blood everywhere not period blood not a tiny spot for me like over a cup of pretty intensely flowing blood we can't

tell who's bleeding he immediately panics and i guess fully realizes how much pain he's in and sees it's coming from him and goes running to the bathroom i immediately have a panic attack thinking my vagina has teeth or is if is full of barbed wire you know normal vagina panic thoughts after about 20 minutes he finally lets me into the bathroom the bleeding has stopped but he's so stressed out and panicked he asked if maybe if i he asks if i can maybe just go home so his mom can take him to the hospital so i go home traumatized the next day he calls me it turns out he had torn his foreskin almost all the way off while we were fucking he had to be circumcised we didn't date for much longer oh my god but oddly have remained friends i guess that's a bond in a

way as i said the same thing happened to me again with another boyfriend when i was 18 that time though i still went into i still went into a panic attack and he was still very bloody he didn't need to be circumcised just stitched up and no sex for like eight months i've never in my life heard of this needless to say those two experiences were pretty awful and have made have made have made me a huge proponent of excess foreplay please if any listeners are using their penis to have sex with a vagina make sure that vagina is truly ready to go better be safe than accidentally circumcised love you ladies i know this was a long email thanks for reading it no jeez holy shit fucking shit

i can't believe it the fact that it happened twice twice i haven't even seen two uncircumcised penises wow i think about it i mean not in real life not in person i've only seen two i've only seen two wow well what are holy fuck i can't believe the first guy had to get circumcised oh my god what a fucking nightmare i how how i have a million questions and i need a doctor on the phone now i'm seriously truly there's very rarely am i speechless i don't know what to say i know i'm gonna google this i feel like when i used to have sex with my ex and i wasn't like wet enough it would like hurt him a little bit he was circumcised though so like that we didn't you know there was no like pulling i'm looking up ripping foreskin sex um why has it torn the small

tag of skin on the underside of your penis between your foreskin and shaft of your penis is called the frenulum or banjo string the frenulum is sometimes tight and can tear usually during sex i don't like banjo string at all so i think it's like if their foreskin is too small for their dick maybe it just got so hard when they were having sex so you did him a favor wow yeah maybe you know if it was too tight it had to go it was gonna happen eventually right i guess you're the moral of the story you are their dick purgatory and i love that for you yeah well i want to know if it was so the second guy if that was also his first time having sex probably not i mean he didn't have to get i'm confused

huh i'm truly baffled um it is common to tear the frenulum during masturbation and sexual intercourse if the area tears over and over scar tissue can form making the frenulum less stretchy this in turn makes it more likely to tear again so i wonder if that second guy went on to his dick tearing again he couldn't have sex for eight months though the first guy yeah oh the first guy yeah oh wait no no the second guy you're right you're right just ditched up and no sex for eight months but fucking insane i'm sure this has happened to other people but just not anyone you know oh my god what what thank you for sharing that what the fuck that was so fun that was such a

fun read yeah that was such a wild ride we because neither of us had read it until just now right that was like a reaction just like the pure genuine like shock and like excitement that's what we that's what happens when we read your emails before we start recording is normally that is what you just heard yeah um well i guess we learned a little bit today yeah we did i can't believe this happened twice that's what really makes this story yeah so fucking wild it's just that it happened more than once one time insane enough second time i i would be like what are the fucking odds you should you should what are the fucking odds yeah hey this girl needs to enter the lottery i'm kidding i'm kind of jealous though i want teeth in my vagina i'm just kidding

did you ever see teeth the movie no lids you have to so good um um yeah also to to circle back to what the the listener wrote foreplay is important it really you gotta you gotta put the key in before you can start the engine or something i don't know that's not a good analogy blow into the game before you put it in your nintendo yeah yeah blow into it's like the nerdiest thing that blow into the vagina like a game like a yeah like a nintendo 64 carton you gotta wet the envelope before you stick it open it and yeah just like a harmonica yeah please don't blow into anyone's vagina like a balloon no i feel like that won't you'll just you're just gonna get a queef back in your face i think yeah i'm gonna blow your bangs back oh this reminds me i saw whitney

cummings on saturday oh cool like incredible like her stand-up yeah oh okay yeah and just out in the wild yeah just saw her walking around it was like hey you want to talk about sex no so she was talking about um how men like there's like moments in sex that like any sound that happens during sex like you can kind of laugh about or like is like a good sound except for your knees popping that was the joke but she was talking about queefs and she's like men fucking love when they can make you queef because that's like oh my dick caused so much room in your vagina that it made that sound and like i had never thought about it like that i think it's when it's like really tight but there's a little air inside yeah that's what a queef is and like that

his dick made that room in there for it to be okay to make a fart and then they pull out and it's like yeah yeah and i guess that's a good feeling for them as something i hate it i do too personally i can't help but laugh my favorite thing is when i always say sorry jeez and then they're like you don't i have to apologize for that when i was dating a comedian i queefed and i said sorry and he was like it's okay and then months later i found out that he thought that i farted in that moment he's like you farted in front of me i'm like no i i haven't and he brought that up and you're like that was a queef that came from my so he thought that came from my china pot he thought for months i just farted during sex which is like fine but like no

that's not fine i was like still in the phase of trying to look super cool then that's embarrassing i was embarrassed and i didn't even know that i was embarrassed i don't know if you should be embarrassed that he thought you farted or if he should be embarrassed that he didn't know it was a queef true you know true thank you and i feel better you're welcome okay ready i'm gonna try to pronounce this this is not the sex fact but i just want to share it the german oh wait sex fact of the week sex fact of the week sex fact of the i can't go any higher than that yeah yeah take that ariana grande oh we woke up we woke up the cat ariana venti's here the german for a contraceptive is schwanger shaft

smittle wait i want to see this by the time you finish saying it it's too late i already i checked on other parts of the internet to see if it's true and it is wait where is it the the german word for consciousness schwanger shaft ver schwanger shaft for munch mittel smittle do you think they made it like schwanger shaft for hung smittle what a beautiful language okay i just wanted to share that the actual sex fact of the week um where did it go oh a single human male produces enough sperm in two weeks to impregnate every fertile woman on the planet

i guess that makes sense because there's like a lot of sperm in ejaculation like a lot wild i don't like it it's a sad sad sex fact of the week i don't i don't trust it i don't like it i don't trust it we've been really into uh we have tiny violin we've been really into uh cum facts love cum facts cum facts cum facts no printer instead of carfax it's cumfax yeah yeah what's the carfax show me the cumfax yeah show me the cumfax and then we have our mascot the the cum fox it's just it's just george clooney wearing i know that there are talented artists that listen i'm afraid to see what that would look like i want it to be our mascot

um i'm just imagining it's like an anime girl with giant tits i guess that's just a furry i'm picturing like a fox just like with like just like a douchebag like frat boy fox called the cum fox so like the fantastic mr fox but like wearing a snapback The fantastic Mr. Fox. We've had too many like self-affirming high fives this episode. It's so good though. All right. On that note, we love you.

We love you. We love you. Our children. Dren. That was impressive. Thanks. That's the lowest I can go. That was beautiful.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.