The Hoely Hour - E70 Bertie Bott's of Arousal

Episode Date: January 21, 2022

The girls start off with a hot story - literally. Apparently Drake put hot sauce in his used condom? And apparently this is like... a thing? Also weed lube is a thing! Liz gives a detailed first hand review. One listener writes in with STI information, and another asks for some intimacy advice. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

all right are you are you ready yeah you ready to rock yeah are you ready to rock born ready to rock welcome to the holy hour i'm amelia samson and i'm liz ball and we're holding gatsby's paw yeah he's sitting in amelia's lap and that's a big deal he usually will only sit in your lap for a couple minutes i know but he he looks pretty cozy he does i yeah i think he can tell that i need to be doing other things so i haven't eaten all day and i realized on the way to liz's so i'm trying to quietly silently eat pad thai while um while we're recording and gatsby sat right on my hand he's like not today it's gonna fuck with the sound he loves doing that he loves

holding hands it's the best he's one of us one of us one of us it's been a bit of a day for Liz and I yeah not really for any reason we just neither of us really slept last night um so yeah neither of us slept well um I forgot to eat Amelia forgot to eat I'm on my period and it's just so aggressive i it's day two and day two for me is just like my entire intestines are trying to be vacuum sucked out of my body it fucking sucks it really is always it do be day two doobie it do be but i'm hanging in there you know i just watched grandpa put his entire head up gatsby's ass do they do that everyone's having a day sometimes they're too much in each other's but oh you don't look good for them um yeah this is my first time eating since nine o'clock this

morning congratulations um so if you're watching us on video right now Amelia is gonna be eating in this side it's also a mukbang today yeah um which reminds me subscribe to us on patreon and join us for a um a mukbang surprise yeah oh yeah you know what I'm feeling I'm feeling like we're evolving this might just turn into one of those podcasts yeah maybe i'll just eat every week and you should eat every you should eat daily some would say some would say multiple times daily yeah it's actually not a bad idea yeah it's not a bad idea um subscribe to us on patreon follow us on tiktok twitter instagram at the holy hour email us here so bye see stories at holy hour podcast at gmail.com we're a shadow band on tiktok still yeah what the fuck every time i post a video

we get like five views after like an entire five hours we get like a view an hour that's not cool oh i'm not about that life i have a theory it's because tiktok asked us to fill out a survey and i said mean things yeah i also said mean things yeah i was like it's interesting that you take down um women's videos to talk about sex but not men's videos to talk about sex what that's what's that about and they're like hey i would rather ignore the problem than admit that i'm part of the problem yeah um anyway anyway we have so many fun things to talk about yeah we need to dive in because we have a lot to cover we're gonna start with an email that i wanted to talk about last week and it's in reference to episode 68 i'm gonna eat while she reads it yeah like a story time

that's also why i'm reading it so amelia can eat because i appreciate it we support eating here yes we do yes we do especially thai food and i'll be a lot more fun once i've eaten this is from a listener about uh the getting chlamydia in your throat she says hello lovelies i just finished the newest episode and in regards to the chlamydia in the throat i have this upside down smiling so how it came up with me after a crazy weekend getaway i was at work and had a slight fever fatigue and a super painful sore throat i could barely swallow talk all the symptoms of strep i was sent home from work and tested for strep over the next couple of days my throat felt better and i wrote it off through regular sti testing i was

positive for chlamydia now as for the pain with sex it showed up for me as an aching slash stabbing pain on only one side of my vagina and anytime i would get aroused it would hurt some people some people slash doctors say that the bacteria can resurface even if it wasn't passed through partner so regularly regular testing is important um and then she also says that she is working on another email about sugar daddies hell yeah and sugar babies but it's gonna be a long one so that'll be exciting fuck yes um well damn that's the importance of getting regular sti testing because you can have chlamydia just hanging out in your throat apparently that's a really that's very helpful to hear what the pain during sex feels like because when we first brought this

up we were talking about like what does that mean because like yeah it can just mean so many things yeah right so that's really helpful thank you for opening up about this i'm so sorry about your diagnosis that must have been a shocking thing to discover because i didn't even know that this was a thing until well now i'm like three weeks ago so if you have throat chlamydia is it just there forever no or does that mean she just has it right now probably that she has it right now okay yeah because i because chlamydia and gonorrhea are the two that like are pretty like relatively easy yeah yeah they had to hold hands in your throat it turns out yeah hate it hate that for everybody well get well soon yeah i'm so sorry i think by now she's probably fine because this was a few

weeks oh yeah december 31st yeah happy new year happy new year um wow thank you for writing in i this is such a this is uncharted territory for me yeah i had no fucking clue when you told me that truly ruined my entire week i had no idea either these are things i didn't know to be afraid of yeah and now i do add a new fear to your list if it's not covid it it might be throat chlamydia covid or chlamydia the 2022 story we should read all the symptoms of covid and chlamydia and take a drink for the ones that are the same oh fuck yeah the the saddest drinking game ever yeah only way to get through it uh and then we'll also do one for um pregnancy and pms symptoms oh my god you would be fucked up by like the third line yeah yeah too many things have the same

symptoms i think i'm pregnant 100 of the time even if i haven't been having sex um i never think i'm pregnant i just always think that something else is wrong um different beast um speaking of oh my god i guess this is kind of a bad transition but i was i brought this up before we started recording speaking of pregnancy and sex and having a sex podcast and sleepovers i got a king-size bed which means that squins can spend the night now because the dude is like sleeping with a space heater in bed oh so I refused to share a bed with him what size was your bed before double a double you skipped right over queen I did I did it's because my parents moved today so I got their bed I don't care who you are a double or a full whatever you call it

that is for one person agreed agreed and squints is really really easy to sleep next to he's just hot warm he's just like he emits heat at such a shocking level yeah when mr liz is here i have to crack the window what about men in heat they all run hot yeah they just have a warmer body or something i don't know if you i don't how do you not i have a working theory that they're werewolves so you know what they're hairy something i it's just science that is you don't make you don't make the science like that's you're just reporting facts exactly straight facts straight facts no printer i yeah i have a queen i feel like at first when mr liz and i started sharing a bed it was like it's always kind of awkward like getting used to sharing a space with

someone but now we're like we sleep like how cats snuggle where they're just like intertwined in a really weird way oh my god i love that yeah that's really sweet my favorite is spooning him actually if i can't fall asleep i'm like can i spoon you that's adorable does he have a queen too uh nice yeah yeah that's good that's a good size we're both divas about our beds except i did make him buy two additional pillows the man only had two pillows there's something about and only one of them was good every guy that i've ever dated has one very flat pillow yeah both of his are kind of flat it's just and then i had to sleep with the junky one and i would so then we got to a point where i was just bringing my pillow with me because i have a memory phone pillow oh hell

yeah i've had a very nice pillow since college yes and you can't switch my mom calls those focaccia pillows they're really really skinny ones that don't have like any stuffing left in them that are at like really shitty hotels that's really funny every man that i've dated has a pillow and it's a focaccia pillow and that's the only one it's the only one how i don't know they don't even have like decorative throw pillows i would have to like we would be sharing it and then i would have to like shove my shirt like underneath the pillow to prop it up a little bit every single person i dated that's horrifying up until really after the comedian the comedian had two very flat pillows. Just have four pillows. I was talking to my mom about this because

our whole family, we're all pillow snobs. It's not just me and my mom. It is every single one of us. It makes a difference, though. And if there's a pillow in my dad's vicinity, he just like hoards them. Got a stockpile for the global pillow fight. I have. Well, and then my mom and I were talking about the science of the pillows that you need so you need a like back like a support pillow to go to fill that gap between your bed and the wall um or the frame whatever it is and then you need your your favorite pillow your comfiest pillow right in front of that one yep and then you need um a couple of butt pillows on either side you know so if mr liz isn't here um i have two so i am in a nest because i can just switch back and forth but if he is here

um i'll put one on the ground and only have one i see i am like one of those annoying people that has like too many decorative pillows if you haven't listened to jim gaffigan's thing about pillows it's fucking hilarious and it's it's exactly me like they're not comfortable to sleep on like they're not anything that you can actually use i have a pillow that is like all it's like beaded i have two of those and it scratches you to lean on them why do i have that why do i need that i don't know but it looks good who am i showing my room to the vibe the aesthetic i don't even make my bed in the morning yeah i just have so many pillows why i don't know but it's a thing that i've picked up from my mom i feel like she got it from her mom who got it from her mom it's

like an it's like a lineage thing it's a it's a comfort thing yeah i guess so oh my god speaking of comfort thing i finally bought a squish mallow have you seen those i have i've been trying to understand me too so they're like 50 but i found one on amazon for 20 and i think it's because people collect them and this one was labeled with the wrong name i was reading the oh so it was you know what that might become like a really important collectible someday it might be i took the tag off because it was scratching me like my beaded pillows but it's really great i highly recommend if you like it there's something comfortable they're just like these like round and you squish them and it's very therapeutic to hug them i had my mom and my dad my mom and my dad were living

with me for um like five days and they i made them squish it squish it for good luck yeah i was like hold this squish them for good luck oh oh that's really nice there's something about it that feels really great highly recommend not sponsored you're the fact that your parents were like okay mine would be like no and that's because both my parents are virgos wow they don't hug pillows or me i'm just kidding we have a couple of spicy things to cover i like don't even know where to start with this topic i can start it okay take it away sam i have so if you haven't heard the the rumor which i would go i want them to be true i feel like they must be because this is caught fire so to speak

y'all be you'll be laughing once you hear it yeah that's a good punchline you'll appreciate the pun in a second so there's a rumor that drake was hooking up with a girl and they made a point to say it was like very consensual like he made sure like you're you 100% want to do this blah blah blah which I really appreciate you don't hear people reporting on that often he was hooking up with this woman and he went to the bathroom after he came and to throw the condom away and then she went into the bathroom after him and she started like screaming in the bathroom because she tried to empty the contents of the condom into her vagina to get pregnant by drake but he had put hot sauce in the condom to kill the sperm i have a few things to say about apparently men do this

or this is a thing that is like a well-known tip yeah this blew my mind same wait so does it kill the sperm yeah well that's what they think does it who knows i mean i guess sperm lives in there's like a very short window for how long sperm can exist when it hits the air oh but like a few things what that's my first question my second question is was she not looking at the condom and thinking why is it red because that's what i well if you're if it's tabasco i feel like it could be a little watery it would still be like kind of speckled with red yeah like it has enough of a tint you know uh-huh i was wondering that as well um and then if you're not and wouldn't it smell like hot sauce yeah also yeah because i feel like semen is so pungently like chlorine

smelling you know what i mean and i feel like you would notice that's a really good point even just like a little bit if it smelled like hot sauce 100 also now i'm thinking about like other times i have seen men remove a condom and it gets kind of like stretched out it would not be an easy task no she would have to hustle too yeah and it's not like she bring her own turkey base structured yeah did she that's the only thing i can think of if she was like brought a turkey baser or something like a syringe yeah to do that that's also and i never use this word that is crazy bitch behavior yes like yeah you're the fact that it's it's on it's sad that he has to think about that like i need to kill the sperm in case they try to like get

pregnant by me you know like that sucks that's creepy that's violating and the fact that it's so commonplace that he's like he keeps hot sauce just like in his drawer in his bathroom that's sad well and now i'm thinking i'm like if i saw a guy just had like a little thing of hot sauce like with it like in his pocket or something like does he keep like a taco bell packet in his wallet or you know maybe you know what's interesting is like i bet even it's probably cut like you know those um sensors when you like try to steal something from a store and it like yeah it beeps at you or like squirts ink all over you like if she was to use a spermicide and like then she would try to get pregnant you like with the thing that was in whatever was in the

condom but she couldn't tell that he had used a spermicide in there she could still kind of like try to fuck him over and be like i'm gonna need you to get a paternity test this way he can tell that she did it because yeah because it burns you know what i mean so it's like a more obvious tell that she had tried to do this thing and now she's not going to get pregnant because now they have to have a conversation about it like why did this sting so bad for me to put in my vagina oh i put hot sauce in it also why are you doing that yeah right that's fucked up i i would let i don't know i just like have a lot of legal questions i think we can all agree that this if this is true that that woman's at fault oh my god like yeah like if he's going to length to

not have like an unwanted pregnancy because i think that extends to men as well if men don't want a pregnancy yeah it's not just women no so if he doesn't want this and you're like violating this agreement and then like courts wouldn't believe you like oh well i did everything that i could to like not get her pregnant and now i'm stuck with this child it's like nobody's gonna believe that you know i put hot sauce in the condom your honor yeah right he'll be like oh word yeah got it god it's fucked up because really like if you get pregnant with drake's child you're kind of set up for life like you're getting intense child support payments like i just like tens of thousands a month in child support wild anyway um don't don't do that don't do that

don't do that that don't do it that's all i can that's all i have to say is i can't believe we forgot about this last week the whole thing is insane this has been like consuming my thoughts well we didn't hear about it until after we recorded really yeah because i wrote it down oh shit well damn yeah oh right it was like right after it recorded yeah i was like fuck we should have talked about this yeah yeah yeah no it's um yeah what a tale um also i just want to say there's a joke somewhere in there about like hot sauce and tacos you know oh for sure someone write it but it's there yeah okay there needs to be a punchline maybe we'll we'll revisit it we'll circle circle back yeah we had this on the list last week but we wanted to do a little more

research that was a nice catch uh we amelia is eating thai food and this fork slid out and she caught it and i'm impressed honestly yeah we wanted to do a little more research i sent this tiktok to amelia about weed lube you heard that right folks weed lube weed great lube awesome amazing weed lube we love both of those things here amazing together uh so i bought some you should write that off on your tax return yeah i did it for research purposes um because i was like where do i find this and the tiktok we saw the woman was saying like she's tried three different ones and they're all amazing and she's had like some of the best orgasms ever with it so i was like like they're just very long and it sounded like she was using them just by herself like she

wasn't having sex um so i was like where can i find this just at any weed store i found it at Uncle Ike's and I ordered it picked it up um and I I wasn't really like in the mood you know I wasn't in the mood I wasn't in the mood to be in the mood but I was so curious that I was like I have to try it um so I tried it just by myself hell yeah and you are supposed to like I was like is it safe to like put inside my vagina yes it is it's made for that good to know so I put it in and around my vagina i don't know why i feel stupid saying that in and around um and uh it like it has like a warm sensation um that makes sense yeah i would expect it just feels kind of like warm and then i was like oh i'm feeling something like i think i'm ready to

like whip out the trusty old bullet vibrator and um i like came very quickly nice and for like not being in the mood that's pretty amazing yeah impressive stuff um and so then a few days later i had told mr liz that i got this and um i also wanted to try out my lingerie so we had a little date night what a combo yeah it was fun um so before he came over i like prepared uh and then i don't even know like you know how i had the best orgasm ever a few weeks ago yeah this has topped that what i my soul left my body like um because i hadn't used it while having sex i didn't put anything in myself when I was like just masturbating right so I didn't have that end of the experience yet so it just like intensified everything like it felt good while we were having

sex and then when he was getting me off I like it kept building up I was like yeah like just skyrocketing because I was like how there's no way it can get even more intense than this how long was the build-up do you would you say it felt like seconds or like two minutes you know what i mean like two minutes probably more wow it felt like it felt like so long and then i was like i'm for sure gonna come and then it just kept getting more and more intense and then when i finally did come i like it was an exorcism oh my god yes so my head turned in a circle i projectile vomited pea soup all over mr liz yeah it was a beautiful night it was it was so romantic there's vomit everywhere no i just came so fucking hard i damn liz wait so okay okay so it was warm

it felt warm do you feel anything else warm sensation no i think it just kind of like gets the blood brushing down there i don't know oh i know what that would make sense don't even know i didn't i wasn't high or anything so right it was interesting wow what a beautiful thing it was wild i highly highly recommend um it did it has cbd and thc in it the one that i got i wonder and it came in a like a tube with a vibrating applicator at the tip so wow it's not a very intense vibrator but still i love i'm a sucker for packaging did mr liz feel anything different did he say uh he we use condoms so oh that's right that's right that's right yeah yeah i'm sure he could have put it on himself before um putting the condom on but he doesn't

like participate in any weed related activities he doesn't smoke no oh i didn't know that oh he used to be a big stoner and then he stopped because of same you know the brain fog and anxiety so word he stopped smoking like right before we met really uh-huh i've never known him as a smoker or a midnight toker i stopped smoking actually when you and i started talking a lot wow look at that wow yeah i just make everyone sober it was the last time i smoked was march 2020 oh yeah because i was in peak anxiety but i wonder if people that don't live in a weed friendly state can um obtain weed lube yeah how they can i don't even know yeah we don't have to think about that here ever i just realized i was like nerds no i'm kidding it really should

be legal everywhere um but yeah i i highly highly recommend and that was pun intended that was a good fun wow we're killing it with the puns i know i know well because i thought i was like well if it's in my you have like more like what is it capillaries or something in your vagina so i was like may will i get high but i didn't you think because it would yeah that's what when we originally talked about this i'm like i would think it would go into your bloodstream afterwards i like slumped over i was like i have no thoughts yeah head empty beautiful beautiful moment yeah i'm just not thinking for once that's the fucking bad when the internal monologue just shuts the fuck up amazing what a beautiful thing that's like you know it's the

opposite effect that weed has on me so the fact that it can give you an orgasm that can clear your thoughts amazing i do have to say when i smoke weed my orgasms are way more intense that makes sense it will even if i have an edible same thing oh really yeah edibles smoking just like the word edible like gives me agita like oh god i haven't really like been participating in my weed activities oh i've been trying to give it a break because i wasn't sleeping very well that'll do it yep back on the mushroom game i'm so glad that you tried weed lube me too thank you thank you for participating in the research for the sake of you know i just i was like i guess i'll sacrifice my body to try this thing uh definitely worth it it was around 35 bucks

that's worth it for all of the ones i looked at were around the same price so nice yeah if you have a penis and you've tried to tell us because i want to know if it has like a similar sensation but it just lasted a long time and like was very intense like the orgasm itself yeah the peak also lasted a very long time damn those the kind of orgasms that like build and you can like keep it's like what am i gonna fucking reach the top of this shit it's like when you're waiting for the roller drop oh my god yes or like you're like getting to the top of a roller coaster fun fact i've never been on a roller coaster what are you afraid or yeah yeah i am i don't like the feeling of my stomach being in my throat oh i love that i hate

it and that's why i love rides see that's that's something that i can't get my wrap my mind i hate it so much do you hate do you hate the boats that go yes i love those oh my god we're polar opposites look at us the yin and yang just i love when my throat my stomach's in my throat and then when my throat is in my stomach you know what i just thought of back to the weed loop conversation and back to throats i wonder if you were blowing somebody that had been using weed lube what your mouth and your throat would feel like i wonder what it'd feel like but i also wonder what it would taste like so this came across my for you page and i don't like it so i can't go back and reference it uh but this girl was saying that she was citing a study

and it was from the 60s and it has only one author so i don't know how credible it is but basically like um an oldest and a youngest child is like the best type of relationship like romantic relationship hey hey so um there was a lot of debate in the comments because the oldest daughters are like there is no way in hell i am ever dating a youngest boy in the family like that's so true because they're all like mama's boys yeah that's the stereotype yep it's well and then i was thinking about um my past relationships like birth order i've essentially dated and most people that i've dated i dated like two youngest siblings um and they sucked they're like man children and then the rest have been oldest mr liz is the oldest sibling

so squints oh that's it because you're the oldest i'm the oldest for reference and i was like i am not gonna tolerate anyone but then when you're dating the oldest like you both are kind of set in your ways and you've also experienced the most trauma because your parents are trying to fucking figure it out yeah damn so huh yeah i'm trying to think my ex was the oldest i'm the youngest i haven't said that i'm the youngest um and i think i've only exclusively dated the comedian was the youngest but i think everybody else that i've dated has been an old an oldest which is interesting yeah and because i'm wondering like what's that dynamic compared like how does that pan out for people how does that pan out for men yeah and then the comments

were like what about oldest siblings and middle children i was about to say what what about middle children yeah my dad's oldest and my mom's the middle oh how many siblings does your mom have two five five or well there's five total so she's four siblings catholics yeah and then my dad has four siblings damn and he's the oldest yeah holy fuck and then meanwhile uh basically none of the cousins have kids we're all like in our 30s like no thanks i can't afford a house even so holy shit wow okay interesting how will i have kids if i don't have a house to put them in that's kind of like a fun yeah wow true i'm not gonna do that how how that kind of feels like a like a like a half sex fact of the week millennials are ruining having babies

you boomers put us here i'm so sorry sorry sorry for the outburst yeah i i feel like my soul leaves my body when i talk about this subject millennials are great are i mean we have our we have our our issues we're you know what we have i feel like we've just adopted gen z as the kids will never have that's so fuck i'm so sorry my limbs are unpredictable today yeah they are very that they're all over the place um gen z is killing it yeah i wanted to not like gen z oh i always liked them i wanted to i have two but i've always wanted to not like them because millennials got so much hate for being millennials i was like well then i'm gonna bully gen z because we we had to go through it i saw someone saying like the reason that millennials are like turning on

gen z is because like they're making fun of our clothes and our skinny jeans and we thought at least by now we'd have some fucking money we don't have any money that's so fucking true you want to make fun of my pants i can't afford new ones that's so real wow everyone's feeling that we can at least bond over that yeah i've literally never cared i'm like you know what let the kids be kids yeah good let them have their flared jeans and their low rise pants and then they'll look back at the photos like we did and be like no why did i do that why did i wear a spaghetti strap over a t-shirt that was a time to be alive i'm still doing that that was a time to be alive with gaucho pants um do you want to hear one of my fun questions i do i would love to okay and

then we'll jump into our sex fact of the week oh we have another listener email okay i'll ask you the fun question a good discussion i'll ask you the fun question then we can jump into the email okay if you could have you know what i'm gonna ask you and then we can revisit after you've thought a little bit okay if you could have any sexual superpower what would it be for example being able to make someone come just by looking at them or like making sure you don't get pregnant no matter what like you know what i mean like anything that you don't actually have the power to do what would you do interesting um do you have an answer to this i honestly i think i i showed all my cards i think mine would be like just being able to turn someone on

like right away just by looking at them i would love that power or um consensually consensually or um literally undressing someone with my eyes consensually i'm trying to think of what i would want mine to be this is gonna sound cheesy and stupid but this is what i want i would want us like i would want to make us both feel like in the mood you know yeah like be on the same wavelength yeah and not in like a like we're both horny kind of way because it's like I think you know what I mean like yeah um when it's just like the mood is just right and like you both understand each other well enough to like know what gets each other off and like it's not really so much about like your own satisfaction and just more about enjoying it

together I would want to create that kind of environment that's a great answer like without without having to like worry about anything else that's what that i mean that's that's a really good answer because there is a different if you're turned on in a different way than your partner if you're both turned on but you're turned on in different ways it's like you one of you might as well not be turned on yeah it's like yeah there are there are different ways you can be turned on like yeah like you know when you just want to get off because you haven't been touched or looked at in months or the other kind of just like i this person i like am so into them because of who they are and like everything about them is attractive to me like that's a different feeling yeah this

is just like wanting to get off totally and then there's like the i'm in the mood to fuck and i'm in the mood to make love two totally different kinds of turned on and when you're like in the mood just to like have like varieties passionate like slow sex and the other person's like slap you in the face yes exactly i didn't want them no this isn't fun there are different types of turned on yeah yeah so i think that's what i the birdie bots of beans yep of arousal i like that a lot i think that's gonna be our title sick um we do have one more email that we are gonna read okay so this is from like i don't want to say one of our younger listeners and maybe just because i'm old i'm like yes i was young um but she clarifies that her pronouns are she her so

um she writes hey y'all i found your podcast a couple months ago at a time when i was feeling very lonely and i binged that shit so fast but now i'm all caught up and feel like i've gained two amazing friends and role models we love you I when people are like you're a role model I'm like I don't know if that's good if I'm a good role model um anyways I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing in I guess maybe I'm just looking for a little bit of advice or your thoughts on how I've been feeling lately I'm sure a therapist might be the way to go to talk some of this shit out but I'm not quite ready for that yet so here I am my apologies in advance for the run-on sentences or grammatical errors i'm more of a math person and writing is not my strong suit i'm glad that like

someone who's like good at math is listening it just feels like i don't i'm we're so bad at math that yeah yeah i'm you're my role model yeah it turns out yeah stick with math i was like literally at work today i was like god why can't i be good at something like math anyways um i 22 she hurt unfortunately straight used to be into the whole casual sex thing but more recently I realized it's not really for me it just doesn't work for me and always ends up making me feel bad I feel like anytime I hook up with someone even with the intention of it being casual I always end up catching feelings I've done a bit of reflecting only a bit because introspection is hard and I don't like to admit that my processes are flawed and it makes me feel like a crazy person but

that's fine and I realized that I tend to have a hard time separating my emotional feelings from hookups for whatever reason I think I just want more than casual sex but I've been convincing myself I like these people I liked these people I was sleeping with because I wanted them to like me and I wanted it to turn into something romantic even if I knew it wasn't a good fit with that person I wanted that validation and to feel desired I wish I didn't do this so much because I want to have a healthy relationship with sex and to feel empowered by it but I feel like for me it's never been a way of connecting with someone simply or simply a way to feel good and have fun it's always been about male validation which is gross and unfortunate I want to be that girl that

doesn't seek out male attention like that but I don't know how to get past this feeling of not being good enough I recognize that I'm pretty conventionally attractive um she describes yourself but I'm not gonna describe her but for some reason I have never been in a relationship and have never been the person that guys were interested in I've always felt like something was wrong with me because I have the looks so something else must be the issue right if I don't know I don't know if you guys can relate to this at all but any advice on how to work or he on healing my relationship with sex and to stop feeling like I need a man to like me to be worth anything would be great lol much love also her title is incel but like the relationship version

it's a great that's a great subject line yeah thank you for writing in about this because this i think is something that a lot of people experience especially we kind of talk about this a lot in terms of like people feel like they're the only people having bad sex because everyone's always talking about like how good sex is so then how old were you when you finally were having good sex 26 let's see well 27 i feel like 26 yeah it's it took a long time i had so i had good sex at 22 but it was also like um very like emotionally manipulative so i always was sad um that's a really good segue into what I was about to say because the person that wrote in is very young um and maybe the people that she's hooking up with are also very young like yeah just

because you aren't it's good I think I have so many thoughts about this I'm having a hard time like formulating them I think coming figuring out the the source of why you're feeling the way that you are is the first place you have to get to with it like because I can sense in this email like a lot of confusion about like I know that I'm hot so like why do I need validation from men that I think is something I know you were talking about like you're not ready for therapy but that's like a perfect thing for therapy because like getting to the root of why that is I think is going to be really helpful that's one piece the second piece and then like the subsection two of the second piece is the people that you're hooking up with are probably also young and trying to

figure it out and getting over the hump of like not needing someone's validation to feel good about yourself is very empowering like yeah you not being someone's type says nothing about who you are or how attractive you are and it sucks I still find myself in this place with people that I really like when they don't like me I'm like well wait why not me but then I have to snap out of it and be like there are a lot of really great really hot really nice guys and I'm just like it's not doing it for me it reminded me of a conversation I had with my therapist because um this is just this is the world we live in like we inherently just like want and crave male validation because that's what has we have needed to survive for so long it's I think it's just like instinctual

at some point because we are surrounded by so many things um like media and um seeing how people are treated and just like these kind of like micro uh behaviors that all point to like having male validation is what keeps you safe and it's what makes you successful like it fucking sucks to like see that so whenever i see people like picking on like the pick me girls i'm like this is just how we were all fucking raised and it's hard to like get out of that and i honestly like applaud you for even confronting this feeling and these thoughts within yourself at such a young age that's so true at 22 oh my god i would fucking never even be like something doesn't feel right I need to think about it I was like no so even you just like acknowledging it and writing in

I think is a huge step for someone at age 22 absolutely like I was I was not thinking about this shit at 22 and I think we're on the other side of this too something my therapist always says to me whenever I on both ends whenever I feel like I'm making someone feel a type of way or if I feel a type of way from someone else's opinion of me she always says like well what makes them so important like what makes you so important she always says that it's like oh fuck you're right like people's one person's opinion doesn't change my worth at all and it has to hold a lot of weight when it feels like it's over and over and over and over and you're the common denominator no like you're so young and again it's good that you're thinking about this stuff

like fuck I was not in the headspace at 22 where I was like even beginning to think about things so rationally like and I can't think of one girl who hasn't had some kind of like pick me like phase oh my god totally you know and it's different for everyone if it's if they're like oh well i read a lot of books i'm not like other girls and like the idea of like i don't want to be like other girls is because like everyone wants to feel unique and also like to set yourself like to stand out from other women is i think just kind of like when you're young you want to do that and then you get older and you're like girls fucking rule i want to be like all of the girls whenever men are like you're not like other girls i'm like fuck you uh sisterhood yeah i'm like don't fucking you

don't need to tear down other women to build me up yes exactly fuck you yeah that says a lot more about you honestly like i always say this and i like i'm sure the people who are younger than me like are sick of hearing this but you literally your brain is done developing at 25 so then between 25 and 26 it's just like i feel like that's when i started to get the most anxiety because you just that part of your brain that can understand consequences like can process things more um because your brain's done developing and that's when i feel like men stop acting so fucking stupid because they're just it's not always their fault sometimes they're just fucking dumb before 25 we're all you're we're all so much more reckless before 25 like i've said this so

many times on the podcast there have been a bunch of times where i should have just been kidnapped like i could have easily just been snatched uh it's amazing that i am alive i think about that all the time your trip to where were you thailand yeah on the back of that i think about that all the time I wouldn't know in the rain I don't know I was very reckless in the rain yeah I'm like this is a I'm this is character development like I was you're just in main character mode before 25 like constantly so I don't know I guess my bottom line is there's nothing wrong with you there's truly truly nothing wrong with you like it's not a it's not a you thing it's good that you're trying to work through it because I think I think confronting your relationship with your own self-image is

a really important step i hate when people are like you can't love anyone until you can love yourself i fucking hate that but to some degree it's true because like yeah before like also don't i would say like don't think about your attractiveness now like everyone's into whatever they want and like whatever like i don't know you just need to know who you are and um you're taking good steps to understand that yeah and if you know that sex makes you feel bad what if you just like don't have sex for a while yeah that's another thing like there's just a few there's a few ways this can go it's like it keeps going down the path that it's on and you obviously aren't happy on that one um or you can do the hard thing which is like go to therapy and start getting your

hands dirty and double down on like i'm ready for a change yeah and that's the harder path in my opinion totally but i've said this before and i will say it again change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change so you have to decide what you're ready for yeah yeah and like this type of thing it's like therapist's bread and butter you know because it's really it's about like getting to the core of why you're feeling the way that you are and untangling it that's what they're there for and i know not everybody is ready for therapy like it's that's it's a big step and i feel so good but yeah the the hardest part is making the appointment I think yeah it really is I remember making the appointment was difficult and then driving to my

first appointment with my therapist that I have now I sobbed the whole way there and I couldn't tell if I was nervous or if I was really happy that I was doing it but though after I made those two steps it was like so easy I mean therapy's always hard but like that those steps are like I remember calling my therapist to see if like because she would do like kind of like a phone screening to see if she can actually help you um and i remember like being so like positive and like trying to seem like i don't normal which isn't like a thing on the phone like i was like i i remember it was at work i went into like one of the rooms and i called her and i was like um she's like so you know what's your goal and i was like um i'm going through a breakup and i just

with like some help processing some of that and then like she she probably didn't know i was just like barely holding it together or talking on the phone with her and like yeah my first few months of therapy i would be so emotionally drained that afterwards i would go shopping i'd give myself a little treat yeah i'd give myself a treat maybe it was starbucks maybe it was like a snack or something give or I would also go to like a thrift store um I love that yeah I'd get myself a treat for being so vulnerable retail therapy it's a real thing it's yeah I don't know if I I was like I started to be like is this like should I not be doing this like anytime I'm emotionally vulnerable I'm like money please yeah well I mean thrifting is a good way I was just thinking I um found the

email of when I first reached out to my therapist what I sent her I put off that email and calling the psychiatrist for literal years and sending the email and finally making that step and you calling your therapist it's like once you do those steps it's just like yeah it all starts flowing and then they make it easier for you yeah honestly just finding someone and setting it up and like figuring out the insurance that's the hard part and it feels like yeah just once you do it the rest is a lot easier yeah i do have to say like i know some people have had a hard time finding the right therapist i was just about to say that next so don't be discouraged by that yeah it's like dating it's really like dating you just have to find somebody that you mesh with

and they're trying to find patients that they mesh with too yeah and not to get too uh like woo-woo here or too preachy um thinking about why um like you seek out closeness through sex i mean there's a few chemical reasons and we mentioned those in our last sex fact of the week last week of just like all of the different hormones your brain's firing off and um you do it does give off this feeling of closeness like hormonally and the drop afterwards is why you will continue to seek sex that ends up being unsatisfying because you're missing like this relationship of like safety and trust um but also like looking at your attachment wounds uh with parental figures shows up a lot in our interpersonal relationships not just like romantic relationships and

it's so fucking annoying once you realize that you're like oh i end up dating emotionally unavailable men because my dad was emotionally unavailable my entire life he's never apologized even once so it's just those patterns are reflected because your inner child is looking for a way to heal that pain and that trauma and like there's trauma with a big t and trauma with a little t and like literally fucking everyone has parental attachment wounds in some way those are our first relationships and they shape how we treat ourselves and others and how we feel in relationships it's wild to see how shit like that pops up throughout your entire life too stuff that you didn't even really think about affecting you exactly anyway yeah no one is uh

no one's safe from parental attachment wounds okay so we all have them just it takes like be patient with yourself too you're you're the only person that you will have for your entire life if that makes sense it's fucking crazy to think about it that way it's you're stuck to me it's comforting i love i better learn to like love yourself and accept everything about yourself because you're going to be the person you're with all the time so you should enjoy your time with yourself realizing that i didn't like being around myself was one of the scariest expect like because i couldn't be now i fucking love being alone that's so new for me like i used to hate being alone because i didn't want to be stuck with my thoughts i didn't like how my brain was working

like i didn't like how like the conversations i was having with myself and when i started to realize that and like fixing that and then allowing myself to recognize like what I deserve out of other people not just romantically like friendships too it really healing my relationship with myself was like the catalyst to like all of this other beautiful shit in my life and now I'm more intentional about who I hang out with I'm more intentional about who I date like my dating patterns right out of my breakup was a direct reflection of how I felt about myself because I needed that validation too like I needed constant validation that I was lovable and then when the comedian told me that he was in love with me when we were breaking up it was like this moment

of like other people can love me other than my ex and that was a sad realization it's like of course they can you know but I didn't love myself so I wasn't I wasn't ready to accept any sort of like like that was so shocking to me that I was lovable I mean um in a similar vein like when I started dating right after my awful breakup I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't the broken piece like I wasn't going to be the reason a relationship ended I wasn't the problem which like you know there's not really like one person who is the problem like it's right just like a slew of stuff and the both of you combined is going to not be a good combination but I needed to prove to myself that I could make something work and I could have continued to make it work

but I wasn't myself I wasn't being myself so I wasn't like happy or in love in that relationship because I was just constantly limiting who I was and it it sucks I had to like be in this relationship to figure that out and to realize like oh I need to spend time alone and not be in a relationship but it was very nice yeah coming to that realization but I was in therapy the whole time too so yeah anyways hope this helps because we just rambled a lot but we're big fans of therapy on this pod yeah yeah but anyways huge props to you because it takes a lot to just even notice where you're at and the beginning of how you're feeling yeah real you're our role model yeah yeah no but actually good for you for being so introspective because that's not easy

i'm pulling up a sex fact if you're wondering what i was doing i have two because they're both short and not really um conversation worthy sex fact of the week sex fact of the week not our best it always fucking happens right at the end at least it's just at the end right at the home stretch sorry patrons um the longer a man's ring finger is compared to his index finger the more testosterone he has i feel like i've heard that too i um well anyway all right see what i mean they're like not none of these are really discussion worthy it's just like oh okay let's stare at our hands for five minutes whoa um marilyn monroe this is actually this will probably be a good little conversation marilyn monroe an international sex symbol just in case

nobody knew who fucking maryland monroe is reportedly never experienced an orgasm with any of her famous lovers i believe that not even jfk no i would come looking at that man oh wow that's that was a little incriminating well jfk was uh cheating on his wife jackie i know gosh and she was hot too i i don't believe men of that era i think yeah i don't think a single man of that era has ever considered that women have orgasms and that's why they would sit on washing machines and stuff. That's a really good point. It was

kind of in the era where like sexuality for women wasn't like celebrated. I wonder if Jackie ever had orgasms. Vibrators were created for housewives like as like a treatment for like um what did they call it? Like female hysteria

or something. Something sexist and inappropriate. Awful. You know um i always say that beyonce and jay-z are a perfect example of it doesn't matter how hot you are you'll get cheated on if your man's gonna cheat on you or if your woman's gonna cheat on you it doesn't matter they're going to cheat it has nothing to do with you which goes back to our other conversation it has nothing to do with you yeah jackie o and jfk are another great example of that jackie o i mean we obviously don't know what happens behind closed doors but like the

perfect woman supportive beautiful smart and then he hooks up with i mean marilyn monroe was a fucking bombshell but like come on you know you make an oath you know now this is my cheating trauma showing up you make a promise to someone what the fuck are you do just go around go fuck around bill bill uh clinton i forgot his name i was like fuck you i don't even i don't even need to remember your name cheated on hillary with a with we with our girl monica yep our bff monica yeah our girl I just I don't know it's just crazy to me I'm just I'm getting mad for Jackie O no just women any person I would potentially be married to I'm mad at you yeah I'm hypothetically angry at you for like even being aware of the possibility that infidelity exists we're fighting

right now yeah we're fighting you hear that future husband i just just just don't that's that's the moral of this episode if you're like gonna do something that you know deep down is a bad thing just don't just don't don't pour the contents of a condom into your vagina just don't there might be hot sauce in the condom don't cheat on your uh partner just don't just if you're gonna to do that wake up yeah if you're trying to cheat nobody's nobody's forcing you to be in a relationship no kjfk and you know what if you are self-destructive work on that you don't you don't need to be you don't need to to ruin what what the good thing you got going on no go to therapy go to therapy so those are the two those are the two morals of this episode just don't

and go to therapy and go to therapy not not that's not just don't go to therapy it's the the first one is just don't just don't and the second one is go to therapy we could even rearrange them to make more sense one is go to therapy two just don't just don't just don't and with that we love you we love you you want to know what my evenings actually look like during back to school the kids are overtired there are homework questions the dog's begging for a walk and someone's yelling for a snack and somewhere in the middle of all that i'm supposed to figure out dinner that's why hello fresh has been a lifesaver fresh ingredients show up at my door locally sourced when possible

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