The Hoely Hour - E81 Consent Is My Kink Pt. 3

Episode Date: April 8, 2022

The month of April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. This week’s episode may be triggering for some listeners. We talk about statistics around sexual assault and conversations about consent. Like last year, we are selling Consent is My Kink merch and donating 100% of the profits to RAINN.CIMK Merch: https://thehoelyhour.com/collections/consent-is-my-kinkSupport survivors: https://www.rainn.org Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

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The month of April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. This week's episode may be triggering for some listeners. We talk about statistics around sexual assault and conversations about consent. Like last year, we are selling Consent is My Kink merchandise and donating 100% of the profits to RAINN. You can find the link to our website in the description of this episode. welcome to the holy hour i'm amelia samson and i'm liz ball we're back to fucking up our intro that's the third time third time's a charm we just go through phases we do uh life's about balance it's true that's true that's why we fuck up

we have to humble ourselves because no one will do it for us yeah fucking right april is sexual assault awareness month and we are selling merchandise that says consent is my kink and donating a hundred percent of the profits to rain for the entire month of april you can find our merch on our website theholyhour.com we're excited to share that it's the same design as last year and now it's on more inclusive sizes which is great the design was created by our amazing friend alora her instagram handle is hello hysteria if you want to look through who we're following on instagram you can find her easily through that um and we're just really excited to be doing this again so yeah i think it's just like nice to have a dedicated conversation about

this um annually and continue raising money and donating to rain yep absolutely they're doing amazing work that being said we're both like it's it's nerve-wracking to talk about such a serious topic that even though it touches so many people and it's affected us just 100 of the people in this room yep previously we focused on a lot of our own experiences and um shared just some examples of common things that we see aggressors say and do and this time I wanted to dive a little bit more into the statistics of things as well as talk a little bit more in depth about consent itself and what consent entails specifically because we hear consent a lot and I don't know how often people go into researching like okay what is and is not consent um so i felt like it

would be a good opportunity to talk more about it and share some of the things that we've researched absolutely and like men are like very underrepresented in this conversation and i know a man who has been raped and he's very open about it he talks about it very publicly but he always talks about um how when he reported it the cops laughed in his face about it it's like well men can't get raped well it's very likely that we know more than one man who has been assaulted in some way and um we'll talk more about it because i have all the statistics pulled up in front of us um so some of the sources that we used this time for our research are from rain uh nsvrs which is national sexual violence resource center one in six legal jobs and planned parenthood um so just

starting off with some statistics your chances of being attacked by a shark are one in one thousand but your chances of being assaulted are one in six yet your fear of sharks is seen as reasonable um every 93 seconds a person is sexually assaulted in america and then for every 1 000 rapes only five people will be prosecuted yep so like all right off the bat those are some pretty shocking statistics especially the like five out of every 1 000 people who are aggressors are held accountable held accountable for their actions i wonder how much of that is attributed to rape kits not being tested i know that there's like a backlog of untested rape kits and then how much of that is like the victim just being like um like afraid in the end and just like

being intimidated to step down or how much of it is um them actually like winning the case against these women because there's like i mean and men but like from our experience these are all these cases that i know of like brock turner that we talked about last year like oh there are plenty of like horrendous cases with all of the evidence you could even think of and they still walk away from it it's awful and like of 1000 those are just the ones that those are just the people who come forward and report it yeah so um looking more into the statistics for women one in five women are victims of completed or attempted rape um women especially women of color uh queer identified people and people with disabilities are more likely to experience sexual assault over

the course of their lifetimes it's important to call out it's i saw somebody say the conversation around like rape and assault and well i mean we're going to be talking about this the whole episode but um the shark thing made me think of it like there's some men in my comments whenever i'm like talking about a woman feeling like you know scared to like go on dates with men because i don't know and they're like well i haven't done anything like congratulations do you want a gold medal right it's like you being offended by like awards for good boys yeah yeah um but like i heard the metaphor or i guess it's a simile if we're getting technical it's like if um like we're afraid of bees or like wasps but like we haven't been stung by every wasp but if you see a wasp you're gonna

be like i'm not getting near that wasp because you don't know you know i've i've seen so many comparisons that like you know when an animal is abused by men that animal hates men so why would you not expect the same thing from women yeah and a lot of men that i know like in the comments too um when men are like not me a lot of men are like okay cool like then you should be like a good ally and like help these people feel safe like shut the fuck up why are you offended by this if you have nothing to be offended like yeah about you if it's not about you you shouldn't be offended and if you are offended then you should take a deeper look at that and think about why are you offended pull that apart and um that's nice that there are other men who are saying like

okay if it's not you then be a good ally yeah because i think that like people know when you're not talking about them it's i said this before too it's like when you say i love sushi you don't mean that you love the sushi from the gas station yeah so that's just the same thing in my in my eyes like yeah yeah i just don't under like are you gas station sushi because if you're not you shouldn't be worried that's such a good that's such a good comparison it's so true um so some other statistics uh all up are um only two percent of assault that actually gets reported has been proven to be fake so of all of the assault that is reported only two percent are fake and we see a lot of people who are like well i'm afraid what if a girl uh you know me too's me like well are

like you shouldn't even be worried about that and also only two percent of all of the assaults that is actually reported yeah is fake and those the i'm not defending those either uh never would i think that like reporting fake assault is so harmful it it's so harmful to survivors and it invalidates people who have actually been assaulted and are trying to like have their assailants held accountable um and i think i don't know maybe i'm an asshole but i think people who report fake assault should be given the punishment that 100 that that you know their assailant would have been given yeah which i suppose in this case is none but yeah right but i do think that it's super harmful and then um you're ruining someone's life so yeah i think that people reporting fake

crime should also have to deal with consequences i completely agree you're ruining people's lives and on a larger scale you're you're like a waste of resources yeah and you're just kind of like poisoning the water of like this huge issue where like every time somebody reports a fake assault that gives somebody a reason to then not believe actual victims of assault period it's like what are you get attention a different way you know what i mean like i know that people are hungry for attention but like there are just so many other ways that don't like harm people in the process yeah you know just you could um sell your farts on the internet that gains a lot of attention it does from what i've seen yeah bath water mm-hmm gamer girl bath yeah gamer girl

what's her name bell bell devine is that her name i think it's bell i don't know her last name i can't i can't remember i can picture her little face she uh she's a gazillionaire that's a good way to get yeah anyway anything but this um people ages 14 to 17 are the largest age group of victims people with disabilities face twice the risk of being assaulted and it happens the most in care facilities um i actually recently saw it was an article i believe um about like it was an experimental type of way of communicating for someone who was um completely paralyzed only they could only move their eyes i i think and they attached something to his like head and they used his brain waves to control like how he could communicate and it was effective and he was like

communicating full complete sentences and to his son so like when people say someone is in a vegetative state they might not be so when these people are getting assaulted they could be completely aware of what's going on and that's atrocious to think of how fucking sick do you have to be yeah to assault somebody because they can't defend themselves do you remember when um a few years ago in arizona someone was in a care facility and she started giving birth what the yeah she had been in like a vegetative state like paralyzed um and she someone was like raping her while she was in this care facility what the fuck we're gonna get into this with consent but i always a lot of i think about a lot like what what is so why just like i don't go on

tinder get a flashlight hook up with like a like somebody that like a sex worker you know what i mean like the sad thing is is like in care facilities families are just like trusting you to care for the person that they love so much and that it's like the ultimate betrayal of trust and then um especially when it comes to like rape and assault it's not about sexual pleasure it is about control and dominating another person it's not sexually satisfactory it has a completely other appeal that a normal person can't comprehend a normal person would like go play a sport or something um and so some other statistics uh trans folks have a five percent higher rate of being assaulted um and this one that statistic was specified on like college campuses so i don't

know what that statistic looks like nationally or internationally um but that was the closest one i could find and 20 000 assaults were reported in the military just last year the annual cost as a result of assault is 450 billion dollars so those so the things that feed into that are obviously like all of the police and hospital bills that are involved um and the mental anguish that it causes people and they're in like if it affects them so much that they're unable to perform at work there's just like a huge huge loss for everyone involved when it comes to the annual cost of like looking into not just mental health and um the things that affects it it just spreads and it's insane to see how much it touches especially to the point where it is

costing billions of dollars um and then it's never a victim's fault when they are sexually abused believe it or not yeah it's never their fault and that's a common thing too it's and that's probably attribute attributes to wise um only what was the number five and one thousand get prosecuted that might be you know a part of that number is that people are made to feel like it's their fault it should never be someone's fault that they are assaulted it is an aggressor's fault it is always going to be their fault it is never a victim's fault that they were assaulted it doesn't matter if you were drinking too much it doesn't matter what you were wearing it doesn't matter if you had consented earlier in the night and you fell asleep and we'll get more into consent

but I also wanted to share some statistics about men specifically and these are statistics there's something called one in six and it's to specifically raise awareness that one in six men have been sexually assaulted so it's one in six dot org I definitely recommend checking it out it's very informative um and some of it i mean all of this is hard to digest and read yeah um but one out of every 33 men are victims of attempted or complete rape one out of every 10 rape victims are men so of every 10 people one of them who has been assaulted is a man um this number is actually much higher because men are less likely to report their assault because they're not believed or it's minimized because they are men yeah i was just about to say that too it's like the numbers

we don't actually know no i mean we don't really know any of these numbers but men even even more so don't feel like justified in bringing these things up so there's numbers there's also some really interesting statistics in like if they are if men are aware that they've been assaulted they like won't admit it to themselves versus women women are more likely to be like i was touched inappropriately whereas the man will be like i'm not going to think about this yep um so one in six men have been sexually assaulted only 16 of men with documented histories of sexual abuse by social services agents which means it was very serious considered themselves to have been sexually abused compared to 64 of women with documented histories in the same study so that's

what i was mentioning so when they have been sexually abused um they don't consider themselves as having been sexually abused and i think it's because it's hard to process like this thing happened to me i think part of it too might be that we are unfortunately we're taught about assault our entire lives it's like really like thrown in our face like this is assault this is how you like avoid it this is how you stay safe to the death so we're much more keen of like paying attention to what assault might be whereas men aren't fed that same information because their assaults aren't taken as seriously so it's like maybe they just aren't as like they don't understand how many things can count as assault it's like if they get like their dick grabbed at a bar you know

that's assault that's assault but like it's kind of like oh dude this like girl like grab my dick at a bar you know it's like okay that's kind of crazy dude it's like they don't they aren't fed the information that we're fed about how to keep ourselves safe which is sad because so many of them are getting assaulted and just not either not realizing it or not feeling comfortable enough to share it and i wonder if that has to do with the education around it i also think like something you know like if someone grabs your dick or your butt at the bar and you're like damn that's crazy i think that's also an okay response if that's how you feel like you want to respond just as long as you are aware that that is assault totally yeah you don't need i mean i've had my ass grabbed

out of bar and then don't fucking yeah exactly you're like do you mind yeah that's assault and i'm not going to report it yeah yeah it's like hey just mind your own business before i spit in your face yep when i was looking at the one in six website um there were all of these little different like things you can click on like more information you can learn and uh some of it was like so obvious to me but it was kind of upsetting and shocking that these needed to be explained to people but i think it's worth talking about um people believe that it was his fault it was a man's fault he was assaulted i mean people believe that about anyone who was assaulted unfortunately and then a lot of people will believe that a man is lucky if he's assaulted by a woman

so fucked up we were recently talking about teachers like female teachers who have assaulted their male students and like if women are attractive and someone like an underaged boy is her student and people are like nice one buddy but that's still assault like yeah this child doesn't have like a fully developed brain and you're in a position of power and you're abusing it and you're taking advantage of these children regardless of like if you're attractive or not yeah or if they're consenting or not yeah it's i would say the same thing in any scenario yeah nope completely agree i i'm just thinking about like why outside of like the obvious that we've talked about like why this may be the case like he's lucky if he was assaulted like just

that sentence alone is fucking absurd yeah like oh you're lucky that this woman wanted to have sex with you yeah but or like if you pass out and you wake up to like a woman writing you that's it's not sexy it's not okay yeah and maybe like that goes back to like how we talk a lot about how like men don't have historically don't have the same community to talk about shit as women do like about like their feelings and stuff and like maybe like a big part of that is assault it's like yeah i woke up in this girl was like riding me it's like i don't know how male friendships work but like if i'm like picturing like a frat in my head like a stereotypical frat it's just like whoa man like what the flick that must have been fucking dope yeah whereas like if

it's the other way around and and a woman like someone in a sorority is telling one of their friends that this happened it's like that's so fucked and it's like i don't know if it's like a power dynamic difference or what like what makes it like when a man is saying it it's like a high five moment there has to be something like a deep psychological something going on there that has like it's like rooted in like years like hundreds and thousands of years i also think there's not enough education that is there's not enough crossover in education like women are always taught what assault is yes whereas men are not but also like like women are taught what it looks like when it's happening to them but they're not considering like because because men are typically

going to be larger than you and can overpower that they can overpower you and we live in a male-dominated society so living in a patriarchy you would just not you would just assume that a man will overpower you or stop you if he doesn't want to have sex with you and there's also this toxic conversation that men always want sex yeah and they only want sex and that's not true yeah um and i think just all of that combined leads to men being assaulted and not knowing what to do not having the resources not having the education and it goes both ways with like women not thinking what they're doing is considered assault like even when we were thinking about when we were talking about um that author who wrote in about the woman who was like sorry for making you have

sex with me uh-huh that's really towing the line of like what consent is yeah like by trying to pressure someone and make them feel bad like that's i don't know yeah it's really dangerous territory it's removing their agency to like make decisions for their own body yeah exactly yeah yeah um another misconception or awful assumption people have is that only gay men assault men and that if you are assaulted it makes you gay that's that's not how sexuality works so we'll just get that out of the way right there um but it's definitely not true because um gay men do not assault men people who are predators assault men yep and like we had already said um it's not about sexual gratification it is about domination and control and yeah and taking control away from

another person it's just like a very homophobic line of thinking like when um kevin spacey got outed as being a predator and then he used that opportunity to come out oh yeah he's like and actually i'm gay and then everyone's like fuck you you're still a predator and like that's the worst get away with it it's the worst time to come out because it's like you're perpetuating this stereotype that homophobes have that that gay men are predators and like trans people are only trans so they can go in the other bathroom and it's like no that's not the fucking case and it doesn't make any fucking sense it doesn't make any sense it's a stupid argument and they still they use it over and over and over again so i'm glad that you wrote that down as a false

thing because it's obvious to people that aren't bigots and it sucks that it's still worth saying it's still worth saying there are so many people that believe that um and then another false belief people have is that survivors will abuse others and that is also not the case no i didn't know that people thought that yeah i think they specifically believe it with men if a man is a survivor of assault that he's going to go on and assault other people so that's a misconception the men that i know that have been assaulted specifically the man that i know who has been raped is they're such so loud advocates too yep they're really good allies for women they're very very careful they're they educate about consent they like that's the complete opposite of that

so i didn't realize that that was a belief that people held yeah they're out there advocating for all of us and consent let's talk about some things that are required for consent so um things that demand consent that aren't just like do you want to have sex yes or no just check the box um it's more complicated than that so some things that you need to disclose to your partner um to get full consent is uh when your most recent std sti screening is and what the results were mm-hmm especially if they ask if they ask don't lie first of all just say like it's been a while and it it came back negative or all of them came back negative just don't lie because you want to have autonomy over your own body you want to decide what you're going to do with it

and if someone is lying to you it it's really violating and yes because you're agreeing to something that you don't have all of the information about exactly that's horrible and if someone is going to make you if you you know have an std or an sti and someone's going to make you feel bad about that that's not someone you want to have sex with anyways fuck that true so um if they ask and you should just volunteer this information you should open the conversation regardless of um because if you're going to be having sex those are very important things to know yep and it shouldn't be it's not a shameful topic just no we you know everyone's had something yeah yeah um and if you're using protection removing the condom without telling your partner

that is rape yep that's if you have agreed to have protected sex and you sneak off and remove the condom that is not consent and that is rape um if you have other sexual partners especially if you are having unprotected sex with multiple people you need to disclose that this there this has been like a big I don't it's not really a thing anymore but were you following this Lance Soce and Chelsea Hart thing you were sort of telling me about it but I was not keeping up with it it's gotten um messy and like there's like a lot that that we don't this would take up a whole episode if we describe the whole thing but um the whole issue was that Lance and Chelsea were having unprotected sex and according to Chelsea Lance wasn't disclosing that he had

other sexual partners and like now she has to get an STD test and da da da da da and like everyone was like you know there were like a lot of like white woman tears involved like that was a big part of the conversation there's a lot there's it's a very very like it runs deep this whole conversation and it's fucked up to not disclose that to the person that you're having sex with yeah that's that removes the consent a lot of people were against chelsea in this argument for a lot of reasons but i think if she's right about anything it's that like that's fucked up absolutely well and it's because it's a safety precaution it's not like i want to be the only one or i want to know how many partners you have you i feel like you could also you don't have to

disclose if you have like how many other sexual partners you have but if you have multiple because we're all out here dating multiple people yep you know yeah until you find someone that you want to be in a monogamous relationship with if you want to be in a monogamous relationship like i think it's perfectly acceptable to say that yep and also if you're not having sex with other people like that's okay too you don't need to be fucking everyone yep so i think it's really important to just disclose if and when you have more than one sexual partner um or even if you're planning on having multiple sexual partners like as long as that is known then everyone has the knowledge that they need to make the decision that they want to make with their own body um and even if

they say yes but they seem hesitant that is not consent yep and i wrote put your blue balls and blue labias aside i saw that when you were just talking and i was trying not to laugh i love that i talked about this on i think it was episode five like way back when about my experience with um we were calling it gray area consent because he kept making you feel guilty and like yeah pressuring you and pushing you and making it like well you can leave whenever you want but like yeah i was like you're a fucking pussy if you don't fuck me yeah he would like be like trying to take off my clothes and i'd be like no and then he would be like okay okay and he'd pull back and then he would try again and then like he kept asking if he like he's like i just got

tested for stds i don't want to use a condom i'm like bitch i don't want to be fucking doing this anyway but like you get worn down and yeah i said yes at the end it and that's why i felt like it wasn't it wasn't non-consensual until we were recording that episode was like really when i realized like yeah i didn't consent to that you don't think about it until you're talking about it out loud because i didn't say yes you're like well technically i consented but at first you said no and no does not mean convince me yeah so if the answer you get is no just take it as no yeah and if you're gonna be a dick about it you don't deserve to sleep with anyone yep amen you deserve to be alone with your flashlight yeah or vibrator or whatever sex toy you may or may not use

you know what's interesting about consent i just want to interject this there's um we've talked a lot in the past about how like porn gives like people the false like impression of how sex goes i found this porn um channel called uh the porn star method have you read of this it's like porn stars teaching people how to have sex like how to have like good sex and there's a huge emphasis on consent and it's like a really really fascinating thing interesting porn stars who like peddle out this information of like you know like forcing this person to have sex and like against their will and da da da and like they'll do things like when they're like getting to the part of like giving someone head like the person that's talking to the camera will be like never ever push her

head down like you she will let you know if she wants to give you head you ask her you know it's like it was just interesting to watch like this industry that perpetuates this idea be like okay we're like really responsible for a lot of shit that's really really fucked up um here's like when people are trying to learn how to have sex through porn like let's teach them how to do it in a respectful way yeah and i think that that's fucking dope yeah i love that it's really incredible anyway it's called the porn star method it's amazing that porn stars are the biggest advocates for consent and safe sex porn stars are out here getting tested like multiple times a week so if they can do it you can do it yeah i don't want to hear your fucking first of all um i got this

from Planned Parenthood. It's called FRIES. So consent and FRIES. FRIES is an acronym and it stands for freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific. So we'll walk through each one. So freely given means it's a choice you make without pressure, manipulation, or under the influence of drugs and alcohol. So that's something you need to be extremely careful about with drugs and alcohol like you know i've had sex when i've been drunk or high and i like i still stand by consenting to those but if you're sleeping with a partner like if it's your first time hooking up with someone it's better to not it doesn't matter if you're both drunk if one of you is drunk and the other isn't like your your inhibitions have been lowered so um i've definitely i've stopped

people when i've been intoxicated because i'm like i really like you and i want to like be sober and coherent for this and then they don't want to talk to me after that that's when i was in college red flag yeah dodged a bullet no kidding um and uh where was i reversible so anyone can change their mind about what they feel like doing at any time so even if you have hooked up before or you're both naked in bed they can change their mind you can change your mind anyone is allowed to reverse what they originally said so have that uno card tucked in your butthole and pull it out when you don't want when you want to stop that's just a fun little tip from me oh my god i'm always so surprised at what comes out of your mouth me too i don't know what i'm saying until it just

comes out it's a ride for everyone i fucking appreciate it um informed so that means you can only consent to something if you have the full story which is what we just talked about having all of the information that is informed consent you need informed consent so for example if someone says they'll use a condom and then they don't that is not full consent or if someone says they're only sleeping with you and they have a bunch of people that they're having sex with and you're having unprotected sex that's not informed that is not informed consent um enthusiastic so when it comes to sex you should only do stuff you want to do not things you feel like you're expected to do um and then specific so saying yes to one thing like going to the bedroom to make out

doesn't mean you said yes to other things like having sex i've struggled with ens in the past a lot like to feel like you i'm like expected to do xyz even if i'm uncomfortable with it it's like well i'm already doing this like here we go and then also like you know whenever so many of us have been in that position where you're like this is what is supposed to happen yeah and that's the same with specific it's like you i would want to like not make out with someone that i was dating because i was worried that it was going to turn into sex and i wasn't in the mood and i would always end up having sex like because it's like oh well fuck it's like i was leading them on i guess like i was like yeah by kissing them and yeah side note like i was recently telling mr

liz this i love so much that we can have physical intimacy and there's never an expectation to have sex it is it feels so good you guys to just like be able to make out and then neither of us are like this is because it's we're gonna have sex later like we're constantly like snuggling and hugging and kissing and holding hands and it it's just nice to have like physical touch and intimacy without any sexual expectations because i think we need to like know that those are separate things yeah you can have intimacy and romance without sex um yep and you can have sex with intimacy and romance as well but they shouldn't coincide they shouldn't go hand in hand all the time yeah like if that makes sense totally if you want to have romantic sex cool you can have one without

the other yeah yep um what else do i have uh consent is never implied by things like if you've hooked up before your past behavior what you wear or where you go silence is not consent sexual consent is always clearly communicated you need consent every time you have sex not just the first time so i think a lot of people get confused like when you have a partner that you don't need to get consent every time like if you're in an exclusive relationship with someone they're just assuming consent is implied and it's not no it needs to be a conversation it needs and if you don't want to have sex with your partner during that time you can say no and you're allowed to say no that's something that i've tried to get into the habit of doing is like

whenever i'm like dating someone for a while and i'm like we should have sex you know like i'll be like are you in the mood to have sex right now and like a lot of the time they're like yeah but it's like I'm now in this habit where I don't feel right unless I ask because it's like I know I've been in the position before where things have gotten like into motion and like I've been like I don't really want to be doing this but like all right like the wheels are in motion and like if somebody would just stop and just ask and just be like are you in the mood to do this I'd be like no I am not you know and that's hard to say that's difficult to say but like being asked it's not just implied because it's the balls rolling yeah it's just not it's not implied

because you've had sex before it's just it's just never implied just always communicate it's so nice to have a conversation too yeah beforehand i don't know like at this point i haven't in in almost two years i haven't had sex where we haven't already discussed it and even when we have discussed it when it gets down to it we're like if you don't how are you feeling doing a nice little check-in just to see like are you still like are you in the mood to be in the mood if not we can reschedule yeah take a little rain check uh-huh um and you should honestly you should also consider like being in a relationship with someone where you're okay with that happening like oh i'm okay if we just hang out because i care about you and i like your company yeah totally non-sexual intimacy and

there's a little board on our discord about non-sexual intimacy which i it's it's always popping too and that was something that i had never thought about before until we discussed it on an episode but there's nothing sexier to me than non-sexual intimacy yeah it feels nice and safe yes it feels safe you're connecting on a different level and like everyone deserves to feel that way yeah absolutely but i think like you know a lot of in a lot of ways we're fed that like the only way to be like sexual is to have sex and that's just not the case totally um and we'll top it off with uh some ways to talk about consent so you know we talk about consent but we don't talk like how often have you heard someone give you the language to use to ask for someone's

consent because it kind of is awkward you know yeah um and it's not like what we're all presented to with like this sexy romantic idea of like it just happens yeah right that that's not always the case yeah and sometimes you're both not in the that same headspace or that mood um so some ways to talk about consent are just saying like is this okay um what are your boundaries so i think that's like yeah like oh i don't want to do xyz or like i have been assaulted and like this is triggering for me so just knowing what someone's boundaries are um do you want to try blank um can i kiss you i we've talked about this too like can i kiss you that's a good question and i like being asked it me too um and does this feel good there are sexier ways to ask that too do you like that

no but really do you like it yeah are you if you don't like it we can stop yeah right yeah no i'm serious or you could just say like um what like you can ask in advance like what feels good yeah like what do you like the most i love having those conversations yeah it's fun it's sexy it really is honestly the sexiest things are things leading up to sex word so and a lot of those conversations involve consent things that are consensual so yep get sexy with your consent and that also that's why consent is our kink a lot of fuck yeah a lot of that too is like being comfortable in voicing what actually makes you uncomfortable because that is uncomfortable to have those conversations so it's like once you get in the habit of like being able to communicate

because i for a while had a really hard time saying no to shit that i didn't want to do because i was like well i don't want them to think i don't like throw off the flow that's it almost feels like that's just like part of being a young adult is you're you feel uncomfortable talking about your boundaries yeah and we're here to empower you boundaries are my kink at every age i'm always surprised when like younger we have younger listeners um if you're underage don't a big thing that i think falls under i don't think i know falls under this category that i don't think we've ever talked about is revenge porn um and i was watching this video i go on these like at night my deep dives of like different topics and i got onto what videos are you watching at night amelia

girl it's always something it was about the challenger explosion a few nights ago again um anyway i always get onto these deep dives but this one night i was watching like the um a dark web iceberg oh interesting and what was on like the you know like way bottom of the iceberg was the site called pink meth which has since been shut down but it's this revenge porn site that was particularly nefarious not that you know one is worse than the other but this one sucked because in order for the victims to get their pictures taken down they had to fill out a form and say like how these people got the pictures of them but the form wouldn't actually do anything it would just pump onto the website so people could laugh at these women that were

trying to get their photos taken down what the fuck that was what the forum was for so it eventually got um there was a lawsuit against it uh but like how these sites on the dark web are run is like they their servers are protected so you can't see where they're coming from so you can't shut them down and you can't like these people can't get in trouble because nobody knows who's behind them um eventually pink meth ended up shutting down but kind of recently they an archive the pink meth archive came up there were 206 women whose photos were made public that had the pink meth um watermark on them and nobody really knows where this came from you know like nobody knows if like these are people that like took screenshots of like pink meth and now they're just like

sharing a few pictures but it's like it's a problem that you can't get in front of because these people have thought of everything like that's so much time and energy to be so cruel for literally no reason yeah they they are like the the archive is hosted on the same site where like all the remember that um i forget what they were calling it but like when all of those celebrities nudes got leaked oh something gate porn gate oh yeah i can't remember i don't know i know what you're talking about but i can't remember what it was called the archive is hosted on that same website so that website's still up and it's like being like shared around 4chan you know how it goes so um but revenge porn people fucking suck yeah and it's illegal

thank god there's been like the bar is so low and i i'm always surprised just by how much people fucking suck it's been really really interesting in this generation and i know again i say this all the time that we're in like a very liberal area but like when jennifer lawrence's nudes got leaked she was like yeah i don't know like i had a long distance boyfriend and like i would rather him masturbate to me than to like some random woman on the internet and it's like people are like oh but like aren't you aren't you upset that they and she's just like i don't know it's like a breach of privacy but like who the fuck cares and like i feel like yeah people aren't sharing nudes because they're doing something like wrong or nefarious they're in most of the time it's like

a relationship yeah and it's also just like a decision they're making for their own bodies so like to like take that agency away from them and to take that control away from them and share these images that they're choosing to share with like you know a select few or one person it's like people taking screenshots of people's only fans and posting them on reddit it's like they're doing this to make money and that's how they're controlling this that's how they're deciding what to do with their body the second that you take a screenshot and post it elsewhere that is that's fucked up yeah you owe them money yeah it's just like you are not entitled to anybody's anything ever and i think it's another power thing like yeah you know i think that it's

the power thing and what i was saying before is like the lack of consent is like hot to people that are like fucked up you know and i would never call anyone mentally ill fucked up but that's fucked up like that's fucked like to be turned on by the fact that you don't have permission from this person to be doing xyz like get help yeah that's disgusting which then brings me to a conversation that we've had in the past about um nice amelia just caught a gnat right out of the air oh my god i'm like a fucking i'm glad you i'm glad you got it though because it was driving me nuts it's been driving me nuts for weeks um sorry little guy um pita don't come for me um as long as you don't eat it oh okay or wait until i leave all right okay okay um the cnc kink

the consent non-consent thing that we've talked about in the past about how there's like this idea of people wanting to have sex where there's like you're consenting to not consenting and it allows a lot of people like a way to like i don't i don't know how to word this but like gain the control back of like not being in control in situations it like it makes it more like palatable in a lot of ways i know a lot of people have different kinks for different reasons and it's not like a it's not the same for everyone but that's what i've heard from a few people that participate in cnc is like it makes those scary situations it makes you feel like you're in control of them um well because i mean to circle back to the statistics what what is it one in

three people six people well one in six men was the oh yeah yep yeah one in six one in six people yeah are assaulted so if you're trying to make a very real possibility in your head a little less scary i guess the consent non-consent kink makes sense and also there is a lot of conversations that happen before that happens absolutely yeah that requires a lot of consent for it to work how it's supposed to which makes it unique in that way of like you there you are it's role-playing yeah really is what it is and the the goal of this too is just to give you all of the information and tools that you need to decide what you're going to do and how you're going to do it it's more so like we're

giving you all the equipment and you can build whatever house you want communication is our kink yeah truly hell yeah just make phone cases um but yeah i mean you have a story about a yeah yeah i can't believe i haven't talked about this on the podcast i can't either have i told you about this at all i don't think so jesus between like this and my professor we've i know i almost said professor but um i think there's also just so many like we would rather talk about things that are exciting and that's fun yeah and because these are things that are like buried in the archives of our brains you know that's so fucking true i can't recall every time i've been assaulted you know god that's so fucking sad so much has happened since then yeah so many

so much life has been lived between assaults jesus it's so sad and so true but um yeah i make a lot of jokes about that i don't go to the gym i used to i used to go to the gym a lot i had a trainer i had a like a private trainer it was always just me and him in the gym i was lifting heavy twice a week doing a lot of cardio before the pandemic and um we had a lot of rapport like he was just kind of like a dude i don't know like a homie yeah and like it's his job to like yeah be helping me work out and like there was usually somebody i would always go because i've told you about my trainer yeah yeah he's amazing i want to meet him changed my mind to meet him meet him yeah i do my trainer like there was always so it was a private gym so it was like it was a pretty

small room um but it had all the equipment in it and it was just like one-on-one all the time there was never anybody else working out in there but there was usually somebody in the office but because i would come late at night they would usually leave halfway through my workout but like he was a homie whatever we would always be like talking about his girlfriend so i never felt like intimidated um isn't it weird how you're like oh i'm with a safe person because they're dating another woman so women are safe people yep if this woman trusts a man i can trust the man's worthy it turns out now now that i'm watching so much true crime so many men with wives yeah our serial killer people yeah um but anyway so the first time i started to kind of

be like like what is up with this was he compared my body to his girlfriend's in a way that like was kind of borderline like you know like too complimenty yeah he was just like he was starting he was like breaking down every piece of our body that's the same he was like well like you should you should lift this way because like this is you're just like my girl like you have the same body type as my girlfriend that wasn't bad i was like yeah that's normal but then he was like talking about like my ass and like her ass and like comparing them like very specifically and like it was just like too much description for it to be like okay i got it when you first said it i don't need the descriptors yeah but even then I was like whatever so like as time went on he would

start asking me questions like I was filming um when a trip to brown town the film that I talked about on here a few weeks back um and there's a scene in there where we go to a sex shop and uh it was like we were like buying toys for the main character and I was telling him that like that's what we did over the weekend but I didn't give him any specifics I was just like yeah we were like filled me at a sex shop and he was like do you use toys when you're having sex and and i was like oh like i kind of laughed he's like do you and i was like i don't want to i don't want to answer that you know i was just like trying to be like a you know goofball about it and he was like no like i want to know like what toys do you use what toys do you like and i didn't know what to do

so i just like turn it around on him yeah because also like why are you asking that yeah are you asking for recommendations that's a very different conversation totally and he also didn't ask for your like consent to have this conversation he just is blatantly asking you he's not leading up to it like oh well out of curiosity like i don't know it you have to have a certain level of report yeah to be able to like have a conversation like that yeah and in the past or like can i get your opinion yeah right is this kind of conversation uncomfortable i don't know and like this was before we had the podcast too now when people ask me for like sex advice i'm like i'm expecting it yeah i'm like sure i fucking love talking people get excited they're like so i

listen to your podcast and i'm like fire away what do you want what do you want that shit but like back then especially because it was like he was in a position of power in that moment he's a big dude and it's just him and i in this gym and i was very clearly uncomfortable and he kept pushing um before those two instances there's a third one but before those two instances he had told me that um he teaches group classes at another gym and he had gotten reported there for um he said that he was like he was helping adjust like how a woman was standing and it made her uncomfortable and she reported him and i was like in the moment i was like oh that kind of sucks you know because it's like that's before you started creeping me out and i was like oh you know like were you able

to explain why like because you were like helping her form or da da da you know like all these reasons he was just like no she was just like she's just like one of those and now looking back on it i'm like no he was definitely doing some creep shit he's not one of those you're one of those so the final straw and why i stopped going to him was i still had like six workouts in my even though it already happened i don't know i'm nervous about it it's like i'm watching a movie and I'm like no it's coming yeah I know it's like a jump scare is about to happen um I still have like six workouts in my package they were like a hundred dollars a session so I like lost six hundred dollars on this yeah because I just like didn't want to go back but he was um out of

nowhere literally no there was nothing leading up to this conversation he goes if you could have a threesome with any two celebrities who would it be and I was like okay this is kind of a fun question whatever so i listed lebron james first and he was like oh he would split you open and i was like ha ha ha he's like i could just tell that you're really tight fuck that and i was like oh my god yeah oh yeah and in the moment i mean i knew it was fucked up and i talked to my therapist about it in the moment and she was like are you going to report that to his boss yeah and i felt so like this is like another thing of like feeling like it was my fault because like we had this rapport and we were bros and like i made him

comfortable to like talk like that around me and it's like no that's like never okay if one of my very very close guy friends said you look really tight i would be like ew just don't if if any person said that to me that was not someone i was in a monogamous relationship with and we were having like a conversation yeah i would smack them in the mouth yeah holy fuck that is disgusting i met his girlfriend like a few sessions before that last instance and she was she looked the audacity where does this man keep all of it i would love to know i don't know holy fuck amelia yeah she came into the gym and she was like she was very um untrusting of me and i was like you could just tell she was like side-eyeing me and i'm like girl i don't know not the one you need

to worry about clearly so he would like after i stopped going i like canceled one of my sessions and then he was like do you want to reschedule and then i just never texted him back the owner of that gym that was before the pandemic that the owner of that gym still emails me like hey you're gonna come back you're gonna come back because it was like a little community you know so it's like i was scared to report it because i was like he's gonna know that it came from me but then maybe he won't maybe he's done this to like everybody that he trains but i don't know if he's been i mean there's if he did it to you he's definitely done it to other people and the fact that he made it he even said he like someone else reported him right i was just about

to say it's like it's like the reason that he told me that story was so that like i would be on his side and know that like when he does this shit he doesn't mean it in a bad way you know and it's like well there's kind of no excuse for talking to somebody like that and then it made everything really creepy like I would think back on like when he would be like adjusting my posture and like it would be like a little too yeah he's like getting off to it probably yeah and like it would be like over the top it would be like too much but I would be like I guess he just has to do this this is his job well I'm like I predominantly see that one trainer but I've seen multiple trainers at that gym and all of them are so respectful like they make it a point to like the only time

they touch you is to like if you're gonna die to save your life or to like kind of initiate where that muscle group is they barely touch you they're just like yep yeah he would do like he would like grab my like waist when i was like dead lifting yeah and she like then i'd be like okay he just wants me to bend at my waist i didn't think anything of it and then after this whole thing i like everything started like flooding back i was like holy shit there's been so much inappropriate shit and then you're trying to think of like if it's your fault and like i said it is never a victim's fault nope and it's so easy and i mean like this is a perfect example i was like well like we were close and i made him feel like he was comfortable with me and like it's

like no no never okay it is never your fault there is never an excuse especially especially because i made it i made him know for sure that i was uncomfortable in those situations and he just like kept going it was a it was a really fucked up situation where he was in the position of power being an instructor of mine he's probably clearly getting off on making you uncomfortable and taking away your position like taking away your autonomy and your power in the situation yep jesus yeah oh my god i know i can't now i can't blame you for like not wanting to work out i know it's like it's such an like an excuse for me where i'm like well that's how i got a gym but it's like after that i was just like i don't really want to yeah i really want to work out it

gave you the ick yeah i'm like i think i'm good and now i'm like one of my friends texted me and was like do you want to go to like a yoga class on saturday i'm like you heathen get the fuck out of here trying to get and i texted this back to her i'm like you heathen trying to get me to be active and I was like why am I so activity adverse when I like used to spend so much time at the gym like I used to spend like all of my paycheck when I was still living at home on gym memberships and like gym clothes and like shoes that I could lift in and it's like weird to think back on that I didn't even know that about you I still have my lifting shoes oh I didn't even know there were shoes for lifting yeah you're just show up in my shoes that I think are cute hell yeah there's only

one pair that you'll see some dudes at the gym like deadlifting either barefoot or in converse because like being flat on the ground is better for your posture and better for your body yep fun fact anyway so that's your body like low-key a hulk over here i know i really need to get back into it because that's the reason that that's the reason that i stopped there's no excuse for me to still not be working out but i just i'm surprised i had never told you that story it was so either just show you a picture of this guy like yeah looking back on him now i'm like what he looked i mean you should never judge a book by its cover but like he and maybe it's because he's not clouded in my mind he's just like a just yeah he's just kind of like a he looks like a um like a bully

in a cartoon like roger yeah i bet he has that haircut yep that fuck boy roger haircut i i honestly if he's not at that gym and even if he was i'm still going to encourage you to report it yeah i really should say like the reason i stopped coming is because this trainer said this to me i know you're right i really should because like i get i truly get emails from that guy once a week just like hi come back because he's like so passionate about his gym and i'm like he should like really know these people that he's employed i should see if he still works there and regardless you're right i should i should report it because i'm sure that they know his employer his current employer well and think of the other people that you're looking out for as well

um but if you ever want an introduction to working out again i get passes i should really consider it especially because like i can two guest passes i feel like my mental health is starting to slip since i've like i don't move all day and you know from my experience that they're not going to be inappropriate that's true that's very very true yeah i need to start i need to start off slow sometimes there's a dog there his name's winston say less i'm there and he is a french bulldog that's the best name for a french bulldog he follows me into the back winston i get them all riled up though i'm like i come in i'm like hi and then he's like where are you going oh i love dogs he's a good dog he's a good boy but um i think uh

the whole thing was a sex fact of the week yeah consent fact of the week consent yeah consent facts of the month of the month um yeah this is going to be the only episode that we do about um sexual assault this month it's very hard to talk about it's very hard to listen to um and i we tried to like you know be light-hearted about some of the things that we talked about but it is really fucking hard to talk about and it like i said hard to listen to so we fucked up our intro three times because i was i was so wracking i almost knocked over like so much shit trying to get to my seat because it's just like it's scary to talk about but it's so important that we do um i encourage y'all to listen to uh last year's two episodes i think that yeah there's

a lot of really good information in there too every time we talk about this it's kind of building off of those two episodes yeah um so definitely give them a listen if this is something that you want to learn more about and speak more passionately about um and um we'll be back with our usual bullshit next week y'all i got some updates for you oh god they're so juicy you guys i i was like i like while amelia was in the bathroom when we took a little break i was texting mr liz and i was like i have like some mild amelia tea for you because i just can't keep it to myself so next week it's so exciting there's a lot yeah so anyway we'll be back to our debauchery and what else um oh and just as a reminder for the entire month of april if you are purchasing

consent is my kink year we are going to be donating all the proceeds to that to rain just like last year um and then uh it's gonna be on more inclusive items um thankfully yeah we because we don't have uh control over what merchandise we can put our like designs on so um they got the message loud and clear and so did we so we're really excited to be able to have like some better sizing because those crop tops were made for babies last year if i'm being honest it was fucking ridiculous they were so they were tiny teeny tiny oh my god the ones now are um on organic cotton oh fun fact um and they go from extra small to extra large obviously we would love to be able to include way more sizes yeah we wanted to do

the ones that i think there are some two 2x and 3x but it doesn't allow for certain like types of design so that's why we're a little limited but we're always looking for ways to like improve and change our shop but our our options are limited so thanks for hanging in there with us too while we work our shop out and speaking of we're gonna be having more merch launch in may we're so fucking excited we got our final designs back and make you're gonna lose your shit yeah so fucking cool it's we made it we like had all this in in mind for a hot girl summer so all of y'all are gonna have a hot girl summer with this next round of merch that comes out so much of our own i'm me too so fucking excited i'm going to be very

selfish and just make whatever i want yeah true but i mean like you have good you have good taste so no i mean you know that i think that so whatever you would wear i'm sure our listeners would love to wear as well i'm so excited to put it on shit um so follow us on i'm gonna do it you can follow us on tiktok twitter and instagram at the holy hour and you can email us at holy hour podcast at gmail.com and amelia sampson on all platforms at amelia sampson i am liz t ball on twitter and then on instagram and tiktok i'm liz ball so hard well done and that's it join our discord yeah join our discord they're watching big hero six tonight oh fuck yeah also join our um our patreon ad free and early access to our episodes um eventually we're gonna have

more fun stuff for y'all and there we were talking before we started recording all the type of stuff we want yeah we really want to have like an advice shit talk episode with mr liz because he like he does give really good advice and it's so funny watching his raw reactions to stuff and he's like whoa um i'm trying to convince him to do patreon episodes because i'm sure all of you can tell i am the outgoing one he's my little introvert i love that yeah um so hopefully we can get my little introvert to do some little podcast episodes i would love dating advice i would love nothing more it'd be so fun but so anyway Well, we love you, our children.

Oh, there she goes.