The Hoely Hour - E84 A Bee-Powered Vibrator

Episode Date: April 29, 2022

All aboard the hot mess express! This week's episode was recorded remotely since Liz got a visit from Miss Rona herself. Men will literally break their femurs to be 2 inches taller than go to therapy. Amelia combines every animal sex fact, and Liz gives a history lesson on vibrators. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

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$15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. New customer offer for initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. Oh, this is a mess. This is already a mess. Welcome to the Holy Hour. I'm Amelia Sampson. And I'm Liz Ball. And we're recording remotely. This is such an event. Liz, would you like to tell everyone why we're recording remote? Yeah, we're recording remotely because I finally got the Rona. I made it two years without getting it. I'm fully vaccinated and boosted. So I read that breakthrough cases, like if you've,

whatever order you like if you end up getting like covid before you were vaccinated or like you get it after and that's considered a breakthrough case you have what is considered um super immunity oh hell yeah you're like a superhero yeah so i'm entering the summer with super immunity so i can do whatever i want fuck yes um yeah um liz and i were working on the the little studio backdrop in my place I know I'm so sad I know we're so excited to show y'all the backdrop but um she went home and tested and had had the rona so we'll see if I end up getting it yeah on Friday I took a test just to be safe because I thought it was allergies and it came back negative and then two days later Amelia so one of Amelia's friends goes to my gym and she

was like hey did you know he has covid and i was like shit i just got a notification and i'm not feeling great so i'll take another test and like literally instantly it was like yeah you have covid did you tell your iphone that you have covid because i got a notification like right after you texted me yeah they're like you've been exposed i'm like that's probably yeah it was me i sent out a notification to everyone i was around everyone should do that anyways the way that the structure for this episode is gonna work is we have our like remote banter that we're gonna do our best to do because to no one's surprise recording remotely can be unpredictable sucks um and then uh amelia's gonna have part of the episode to talk about whatever she wants and

then I'll have another part of the episode to talk about whatever I want but the beginning half or third maybe half I don't know is gonna be our usual dicking around so I know Amelia you have something for me yeah yeah I read a fun fact that I like two days ago that I was like oh my god I can't wait to tell Liz this so you know the you know the Macarena yes do you know what it's about no it's not a dance i thought it was just a dance that's what i thought but so macarena is a girl so the song is about a girl named macarena who cheats on her boyfriend with two friends while he's being drafted into the army okay can you fucking believe this yeah so if you read the lyrics i'm gonna read them to you give your body joy macarena because your body is meant

to be given joy and good things macarena has a boyfriend who is named um who is named with the last name vitor vitorino and while he was being sworn in as a conscript she's giving it to two friends this is ruined the macarena for me i thought it was like fun yeah wholesome family fun that's so interesting I know well good for her good for you Macarena you know what yeah also like what if Macarena's whoever's Vitorino what if he was a good dude he didn't deserve it he didn't deserve Macarena's wrath it's it's ruined everything for me my um I'm thinking about it playing at like childhood things i was just so that's what i was just about to say so my nanny in japan used she's the one that taught me the macarena when i was like three

or four and i was thinking about like how many songs we've listened to growing up that are just like inappropriate so not kosher yeah like that milkshake by kellis song i used just sing that like on the playground calise is that how you say it uh-huh my milkshake yeah and i didn't know what a milkshake was i remember when someone told me i was like you're not saying actual words right now i don't know what you mean i'm now i'm thinking about a song of my childhood was who let the dogs out oh my god yes and that's about ugly women really yes i literally thought it was just about dogs I thought yep because I know and they used it in like dog like children's dog movies but it's about dogs like who let the who let the ugly women out

Jesus Christ I know did the Baja men have any other songs let's look I'm gonna look on Spotify I was actually just thinking that because that was like Baja men um I bet like their top four songs are who let the dogs out yeah okay so who let the dogs out has 90 almost 93 million plays okay but then their next most popular song only has six million what what is it what's it called i feel like they had more than one best years of our life oh never mind oh okay yeah no no no um move it like that it's like can you move it like this i can shake it like that yes that's what that song is. Oh my god, I didn't realize that was the Baja Men. I knew they had, that doesn't have,

I knew there was one more. One other Baja. It only, that one only has 2.5 million plays. That's surprising. Wow, there's a lot of Baja Men. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. There are 9 Baja Men. In that little band? Yeah. That's far too many Baja

Men. That, that's, that is about 5 too many Baja Men. I was, I was under the impression there were like 3 or 4 Baja Men. Baja Mas. there are mas bajas see okay um so anyway i was just i was just floored about the macarena and i had to bring everyone down with me that is very shocking i'm glad that you told me that i am too i feel better now and like you know getting it getting out of my mental and getting

it out into the open has healed me and and like learning about uh the baja men too i didn't even know that wild there you go i'm happy to be providing education there's nine of them they sing about ugly women not dogs that's so mean but also kind of funny it sucks i told you a little bit about this before we started recording today i met with our psychiatrist and i was we were discussing my medication management because um i'm thinking about adding something else to my regimen but i told her i've been trying to track my cycle um because i saw this video where a woman was explaining like when a lot of people who experience pmdd which is just i can't i don't know what it stands for i can't think of it i think it's like i have this right here yeah it's

like um very severe PMS essentially um it's premenstrual dysphoric disorder yeah so I you know I'm not I don't know if I have PMDD but it was still informational because I have a uterus so after we ovulate our estrogen just plummets the second half of the month so I was starting to to track if my, you know, depression was coinciding with the second half of the month when that happens. And I told my psychiatrist this and I was like, I started changing my like supplement routine a little bit based around that. And I upped my Lexapro a little bit. And she was like, I have tons of clients who do that based around their cycle. So like the second half of the month is when you would be feeling your lowest um so like typically people ovulate around the

14th or 15th day and then up until you are on your period again is when um that second half of the cycle is and then you slowly build your estrogen back up so she was like you should definitely experiment and I love having a psychiatrist who is very empowering in that aspect of like if you're I'm the one who's in my body and she trusts me to know how I'm feeling so she's like experiment and see if taking a little bit like you know 0.5 milligrams that second half of the month is helpful for you because I noticed a huge difference this month just doing that yeah that's amazing yeah that's really helpful information I feel like these things I mean obviously like don't make those changes until you talk to your provider but like

it's it's shocking that those things aren't made obvious to us because like of course like our our hormones and our chemicals are going to be like different in different parts of the month and so like these chemicals are introducing into our body would be reacting differently yeah and it's just like surprising that nobody tells you that I know and I was that's exactly what I was thinking I was like i'm 30 and i'm just learning this about the second half of my cycle and um you know now that my like anxiety and depression is under management it's kind of like okay so why do i feel like shit the second half of the month and then experimenting with that so that's just some fun something fun to think about you know think about your cycle and how changing your medication throughout or

considering adding supplements like if you need extra iron or protein during certain mornings like just being aware of that and trying different stuff so i just wanted to share that listen to your body and don't let anybody tell you that you're being ridiculous that's my bottom line so i wanted to get your reaction to i was just kind of scrolling through reddit to see if there's anything interesting for us to talk about and this prompt it's it was posted on what subreddit is this it's just the ask reddit subreddit and someone said what was the moment you knew your relationship was over so i thought this might be interesting i was like oh what are we gonna find and the comments are like not super interesting um and then a lot of them are like when she came

up on the caller id and my first thought was uh and then the comment under that is i had a similar feeling in my first marriage i'd come home turn on our street see her car already in the driveway and have the same feeling uh and then the comment under that it says once a month my ex-wife would have to work one shift that was two hours later than her usual on a normal day she'd get home about 30 minutes before me the days she would work late became my favorite days because that meant i actually had a chance to relax and unwind at the end of the work day instead of immediately having a dump truck of negativity unloaded on me when i walked in the door holy shit and then someone replied to that man i know about the dump truck of negativity when i get home from work it's

like she stores it up all day and when i park the truck it triggers the deluge everybody else gets the nice friendly funny helpful version i get the negativity sometimes i ask her to talk to me like she would a complete stranger doesn't go over well but that's marriage especially once you get past 20 years i fill that role for her and she gives me companionship and is a great partner when i need her to be for the most part i keep my stress and worry largely to myself probably why i had a heart attack and triple bypass still she moved out to the middle of nowhere in the woods for my dream i understand she has dreams too and i hope they come true and the comments are like i just can't believe that that so many people are just like yeah i fucking hate my spouse i'm like what the

fuck don't be together then right i mean like it's it's so the whole thing about like being like relieved when you see that they're like not home yet so you have some time to like unwind i feel like every married couple goes through that to a degree you know because it's like okay i just want to like go home and just like be by myself for 10 goddamn minutes like i feel like even really happy couples are just like i just need like a little bit of fucking time that's you know and that's perfectly reasonable i would like everyone wants alone time but like but then like the dump truck of negativity and like that being a whole piece of it is just like jesus fucking yeah and anytime anytime you see their name on your caller id you think uh yeah that's not that is not a good

sign it's just it makes me it also makes me really sad like how would these people feel if they saw their spouse talking about them like that oh my god i would i mean like the first time i ever went through my ex's phone which I would I would not don't be in my dms I'm not going through anyone's phone now but in college when I went through my ex's phone I saw that he was talking to his ex-girlfriend about me and how he felt like the relationship was just already over he was just kind of like bored with it and yeah and that alone I mean there was like an aspect of it of like talking to his ex about it was just like what the fuck you fucking shady fuck but then like i can't even imagine the extra step of like posting it publicly and just like stumbling on

it you know because that's probably what if she's on the reddit thread forum how do i don't know how to talk reddit terms yeah i don't know or or like you know just logs into his computer or phone or whatever yeah anything like that fucking blows well even you seeing your ex talking to his ex about you about how he's like i'm just bored with this relationship it's already over like that makes me so sad that yeah because it's not uncommon and i just i'm just like begging people to have an ounce of self-awareness like if that's how you actually feel then let this person go like you're wasting their time you're being really selfish like they could be so happy with someone else and you are taking up that space because you're afraid to be alone and if that's not

actually how you feel and you do want that person to be your partner then understand that how you're behaving for attention is because you're dissatisfied with yourself like yep you're not going to be able like getting approval and satisfaction from another person is never going to fulfill you i'm getting so worked up i'm so you know what the kicker is about this whole thing too is that that was six months into our relationship and it that lasted for eight years um he did clean up his act but still like the fact that i stayed with him after reading that is like girl what the fuck was it what was that i mean when we're young we make a lot of excuses for bad behavior that's so fucking true i was this is the best part of the story is that we were on a date and i was

looking at his phone while he was sitting across the table from me on this date and i saw this and then i had to like hold it in it was like the most blatant like i was just like sitting face to face with him just like going through his phone and he didn't know what i was doing um so he was a little messy about that but yeah seeing that shit fucking sucks I could tell you and I are very different because at that age I would have thrown his phone back in his face and been like what the fuck is this mm-hmm yeah I feel like me now I feel like I probably would have been a little bit kinder to myself but then I just like played like I just like gave him the cold shoulder like in a cab on the way home and I just like wasn't saying anything and then we got back to my place and

he was like what's wrong and then I brought it up I'm like Amelia that you you don't need to be passive-aggressive in those situations Amelia be aggressive aggressive girl yeah have conversations just repeat what he said learn just be like I don't know I just feel like this relationship's already over and I'm bored I'm just kind of over it like um if you don't feel that way that's funny because you said that to your ex yesterday i wanted to talk about uh the limb lengthening have we talked about that oh like the guys breaking their femurs yes you can get limb lengthening surgical treatment to make yourself taller so men are getting that done i can't remember if i saw it on i think i saw it on twitter

yeah it's just like disgusting how they do it do i'm gonna read it yes um this is on a children's hospital website limb lengthening stimulates bone in a patient's leg or arm to grow longer we do this by surgically cutting the bone and attaching a device that slowly moves the two ends of the bone apart as the space opens up between these two ends new bone grows to fill the gap and so stuff like that that's for like people who are born with like some form some type of deformity where they're like trying to correct limb length so they're the same length and so people can like walk and stuff and now people are doing it so they can be taller I think I did see this on TikTok because the guy was like it took like a year for him to

be able to just walk again yes yeah you can't it you have to learn how to walk again and then you can't run normally like ever again yeah I and I just wonder at like at what point is that worth it it's not I mean it's really sad especially for guys that are like like I'm looking at this picture of before and after oh my god $76,000 surgery is what 76 $76,000 oh my gosh yeah this guy is 5'11 in this picture and now he's 6'1 and so he went through all of that just to get two more inches taller just wear heels this is what I mean it's like I feel like talking about like short men and like shitting on like no short guys is like easy and like low-hanging fruit and like we've all done it but like it is body shaming in a sense because it's like they can't do anything

about it like men yeah no one can do anything about their height but I also think that we should be aware that like the reason that women will be like i want a tall guy is a result of like patriarchy it's not a result of women wanting taller guys it's a result of men wanting small women and infantilizing them damn that's an important call out like men have created all these things that make women look younger and smaller and more petite and like all of these things that infantilize women so the the other end of that is then women are like yes i want to feel small and petite so i want a tall man because amen though it's just like two things that have been created based off of like something completely stupid in my opinion absolutely and i mean like

those are also like I mean there's like biological components of it of like you know wanting like a big man to like protect you and like be like the protector and the provider of the family and like I think that it's totally fine to like have a type like I like tall guys you know but like it's not like I like tall guys and fuck short guys you know like that's that's where the line is just like don't be a dick about people's bodies I just don't think that it's that difficult like it doesn't it does not like it doesn't affect your life in any way when somebody is like heavier than you or like way shorter than yeah if someone looks a way that you don't like i don't know if someone exists you it doesn't it doesn't matter it doesn't affect you

it really really doesn't it's how they appear is none of your business but like god getting your fucking femurs broken so you can be two inches taller i know like in what universe fucking sucks this just makes me sad it does me it makes me sad too so this is called bizarre threesome story for the pod thanks greetings ladies distinction first off thank you for the weekly laughs and for being great company on my friday drives my humble offering for you today is a story that popped back into my head after your recent threesome episode this story is not mine but it comes from a gal who i dated last summer who will call lexi lexi was browsing on field f-e-e-l-d an alternative dating app for kinks threesomes etc and matched with a profile that was two italian

guys looking to do a dp and then he said mama mia he said double penetration thank you for clarifying um one in each one in each downstairs entrance this will become an important distinction later in the story the two gents she matched with will call italian stallion number one who spoke some english and italian stallion number two who only spoke his native tongue i already love this since dp was on her sexy bucket list lexi decided to go for it and meet up with them she showed up at their place and chatted with the two stallions for a while then things started to get spicy when clothes were off and they were all about to get it on italian stallion number one said he'd actually like to do dvp double vaginal penetration instead since this was not what they

originally had discussed lexi put a pause on things for a moment after a brief discussion with italian stallion number one it became abundantly clear that what his true intentions were he had arranged this entire rendezvous in hopes of doing a dvp so that he could have some sexual contact with italian stallion number two unbothered by this conversation happening right next to him number two sat and scrolled on his phone while number one delivered a dramatic confession to lexi not only was number one deep in the closet but he was also madly in love with number two but look at him he's so beautiful he shouted across the apartment while motioning dramatically towards number two dvp was the closest number one could get to number two without

explicitly stating his feelings for him lexi had prepared herself for dp and was not comfortable doing dvp especially with this very odd dynamic so she decided to pack it up and leave i sincerely hope that lexi gets to fulfill her fantasy if she hasn't already that italian stallion number one finds love and that italian stallion number two finds some situational awareness thanks for reading oh my god amelia's had her hand over her mouth for like the last three paragraphs i have so many thoughts about this story like part of me kind of hopes that like they were like um this was like role play for them like they were actually like lovers italian stallion one and two and like italian stallion two actually did speak a little english but it was like fun to pretend

that he didn't so they could like act like it was you know i mean like i could create some sort of like story here in my mind that makes this like kind of cute but like not for lexi like that's like a little like maybe like bring lexi in on that like little like deal um but like i feel like just double penetration like not dvp but double penetration there's like a little bit of sexual contact that's gonna happen anyway like you're going to you can like i don't know like feel up on each other you know i don't know there's like ways that you can do this without it being like you know dvp i don't know this is fucking like i can't even imagine good for her for like packing up and shipping out because like that would have been a difficult situation to leave after this guy

just like unloaded his entire heart on you yeah it's it's so i i can't believe he went to those lengths instead of just being like i have feelings for you right he must be like down bad like down i mean the baddest yeah and you know i mean like and i also think it's like a little i think it's a little slimy to do that too like if that's your whole yeah that's not really consensual at all if your whole thing is like because you specifically just want to get close to this man yeah and you're using a woman as a means of doing that like that's like at least he was honest with Lexi but still yeah it's just there's not enough consent happening no 100% yeah that is not that is not right that's a lot to put on someone oh yeah to be like in the moment hello stranger i'm

in love with this man i'm trying to use your vagina to get close to him like that but when they were setting up the interaction like if the other one doesn't speak english and they were like in a group text then like italian stallion one could have been like hey so here's actually what's up and i just want to let you know that this is like what's going on before wasting her time or by me or even say like he wants he wants to have double vaginal penetration you could say that explicitly in your like right dating profile or whatever especially on field where like they're every like not everyone the majority of people on field are like down for the cause you know what i mean yeah exactly they're there for a reason that's why they're

there so i thought man oh man that was just like a i was cracking up while i was reading it because i was like what a plot twist yeah no kidding the best that is that is what a fucking story thank you so much for sharing that i hope he eventually shared his feelings oh yeah i wonder i hope i hope he did i was gonna say i don't know i know italian is like very very catholic like they're very religious over there um and i don't know if they're like you know like i know the pope is like more down for gay marriage than other popes have been in the past but like i actually i don't know what it looks like over there you know in terms of what the environment is like so um maybe that plays into it but yeah hopefully he's he's living his truth i italian

stallion i hope number one and maybe number two you don't know you haven't talked to him about it I would love if they found love together. Yeah. They found love in a hopeless place. And then they get to tell the story about, like, this, like, field date that they set up where Italian Stallion number one was trying to have sexual contact with Italian Stallion number two. And now they're all, now they're married. I don't know if I would ever confess to something like that.

I feel like if I was close enough, the shit that I've confessed to dudes that I've dated, like, after the fact, it's, like, once I get, like, comfortable enough with someone, it's like all bets are off I think this is a good place for us to end this first half okay hello all right this is so weird doing it this way but it's an interesting little challenge um so I everything that I write down in my notes of what I want to talk about I always write it like with talking about it with Liz in mind which makes me so sad because I don't know lot of vamp by myself so I thought that it would be good to talk about some stuff that like has just been on my list for forever that I just haven't brought up because I probably won't

since we always have new things to talk about the history of cellulite if you follow me on instagram you have seen me preach the good word about this um but it's something I'm really passionate about especially because like I have hated my cellulite since I was 12 years old I was at a pool party for someone's bat mitzvah one of my friends like my best friend at the time like looked at me and she was like oh my god you have cellulite and I was like what the fuck is cellulite and then like from that day on I was obsessed with getting rid of it like people would tell me I had like a grandma butt which is like so fucking mean to say to like a 13 it's just mean to say just don't just it's just mean to say um even to a grandma if I was a grandma and someone

was like you have a grandma butt I'd be like bitch so that's just like that's always been a thing that I've been insecure about and like I've struggled with disordered eating like basically my whole life I used to ask people if they thought that I was fat um you know like my whole life really which is ridiculous like as like an 11 year old a 12 year old. Refinery29 um had this article about the history of cellulite and it actually it changed my life on like in that front which sounds dramatic but it's true but they talked about like how cellulite became a thing that they that the beauty industry used to um like weaponize women's insecurities in order to make money off of like things that a lot of the population had because like they don't know the

exact number but anywhere between 80 and 98 percent of women have cellulite that's an insane number that's like for something that like there has been so much like media attention around getting rid of that is a ridiculous number that's a that's the majority of the population and not by a little bit like that's 80 to 98 percent and like there are still all of these like tips and tricks and like you gotta do this and this and drink baking soda and and maybe those things work temporarily but like cellulite isn't it's not a symptom of like something unhealthy so this is the history of it the first time it was used was in a medical dictionary in the 1800s but it didn't have anything to do with dimples or fat it was used to talk about inflamed cells and tissue

so it's kind of like um cellulitis I think is what it's similar to but it wasn't that and then this fucking idiot named dr debeck in 1933 he redefined it to what we know it as today which is a feminine issue which of course like pathologizing women is a great way to make money because focusing on something that 80 to 98 percent of the the population has and making them feel badly about it is the perfect way to get people to spend money on products and everything is everything is about marketing especially because like during this time and you know still and I know that like I know men have I mean we were talking in the beginning of this episode about like limb lengthening surgeries like we all have struggles with our body so I

don't want to I don't want to sound like I'm like dismissing the struggles that men have as well but just like speaking from my own experience as a woman like we are being told constantly that we need to change something about ourselves regardless of what if it's you need to have a longer neck like you need to have smaller feet you need to you know you if you have like bumpy legs that means that something's wrong with you it's like when I was at my thinnest when I was like sick my cellulite was the worst that it had ever been it's it's ridiculous to have something that people can't help be used as a tool to make companies money so anyway his name was dr debeck this fuck in 1963 it made its way over to america vogue printed it in a an edition since then it was like

the doctor's offices were flooded with women in america like trying to get rid of their cellulite and it has been a multi multi-million dollar industry it's not fixable we didn't care about it until relatively recently but it's just like ridiculous how like subconscious and automatic the effect that marketing has on us is it's like it's terrifying and these companies have a responsibility and they don't give up they don't give a fuck they just want they want to make money however they know how and I think that there are a lot of really great companies that are like doing what they can to push against this I know sports illustrated has been leaning into like all different body types Aerie has been like the um American Eagles underwear brand they're on like a

big no photoshop campaign you know I'm sure people have like their things to be said about these companies and like just focusing on body image in itself like that's what every company needs to do because it's like the reason that we all want these things that we don't have is because we're being shown it all the time as being the standard for beauty it's just nuts um I just wanted to I don't want to I don't want to you know go hard on that any more than I already have but I just wanted to uh let you guys know that because it helped me a lot I know that there's um probably a lot of people listening that have felt that way about their cellulite it's just like the amount of cool shit that our bodies do for us but we're still forced to like I don't know hate it because

it's what makes companies money it's just it's just infuriating okay so I'm going to take it upon myself to do the sex fact of the week because I found this website I've read a couple of facts from it before but it's animal sex facts and for whatever reason it is fucking hysterical to me like fucking hysterical ah i have nobody here to laugh at puns with i thought that it would be fun to go through a few more of these but this is from thought co and here are some animal sex facts male alligators have permanent erections talk about blue balls i don't want to hear it anymore guys i'm kidding but no i'm not all right so here's what it says penis is very widely across the animal kingdom but a universal theme is that this organ changes size or shape before or during the

act of mating then reverts to its usual configuration that's not so for alligators the six inch long penis of an alligator isn't averted or turned outward by muscles but by the application of pressure of its abdominal cavity clearly an essential bit of reptilian foreplay holy cannoli well i mean they're always ready so good for them okay here's the next one um and antichinous and antichinous males there's a tiny it's a tiny a tiny mouse like marsupial of australia they copulate themselves to death and the picture that they have on thought cove this little guy makes this fact so sad because they're so cute these guys would be anonymous except for one odd fact during their brief mating season the males of this genus copulate with

females for up to 12 hours straight stripping their bodies of vital proteins in the process and dismantling their immune systems shortly afterward the exhausted males drop dead and the females go on to bear litters with mixed paternity which are different babies that have different fathers like cats fun fact cats um you can have different dads in one litter i'm sure y'all knew that um but i didn't anyway going back to the fact the moms live a bit longer to nurture their young but they usually die within the year having had the opportunity to breed only once that is bananas to me isn't that kind of like mosquitoes too it's amazing to me that animals don't have the same i mean maybe they do this is like you know but i don't want to like anthropomorphize

like animals but like they don't have the same conscience to understand that like death is scary obviously they have like their instincts to like run from predators but if i knew that having sex was gonna kill me i as a human wouldn't have sex but these little guys are like fuck it we're fucking for 12 hours straight we're going out with a bang so to speak okay male porcupines urinate on females before sex donald trump once a year male porcupines cluster around available females fighting biting and scratching one another for the right to mate the winner then climbs onto a tree branch and urinates copiously on the female which stimulates her to go into estrus the rest is somewhat anticlimactic the

female folds back her quills as to not impale her partner and more routine insemination takes only a few seconds wow i mean like i think i've probably had sex with a few um porcupine son if it only takes a few seconds this is the saddest thing it is so sad saying self-deprecating shit not having anybody here to like pat my shoulder it's just me my cat isn't even with me anymore she's like i'm over this okay there are so many here and i don't want to bore you with all of them so i'm just going to read two more of my favorites. Female chickens can eject unwanted sperm. Female chickens or hens tend to be smaller than roosters and often can't resist less than desirable males insistent on feeding. Jesus Christ. After the act though, enraged or disappointed females can eject

up to 80% of the offending male's sperm, allowing for the possibility that they might then be impregnated by roosters higher up in the pecking order. Wow. Can you imagine? Their plan B is that they can just push it out. I feel like all of the pro-life senators are going to catch word of this and be like, if you didn't want to get pregnant, can you have just, I don't know, pushed it out? Hens can do it. Oh my god, okay, this is a good one to end on. Male damselflies can remove the sperm of competitors, y'all. So most animals that lose out during mating season must be content with their fate. Not so with the male damselfly, which can use its weirdly shaped insectile penis to literally scrape the sperm of its immediate predecessor out of the female's cloaca,

thus increasing the odds of propagating his own DNA. One byproduct of the strategy is that it takes damselflies an unusually long time to complete the act of mating, which is why these insects can often be seen flying in tandem over long distances. Well, slap my ass and call me Darlene. That is amazing to me. Just like, I don't want you to have this sperm in you. That, that really, it's like, what if, what, what if this poor female damselfly has just been being scraped over and over again? She's just like, listen, I don't really care. I don't really care whose kids I have. Can y'all just, can y'all just like work it out? I'm sick of this. All right. That was so fun for me. I don't know if it'll be fun for y'all, but it'll be fun for me. Oh, I went on a

date with dog dad Liz knows this so that's you know it was good he was really really nice um I haven't it was it was just like a very normal date like I've I've not been on a date in so long where I'm just like yeah it was good it was fine so that's relieving um we are gonna go out again not 100% sure if the sparks were there first dates are always really fucking weird though like like I don't know if they're I don't it's it's very it's tough to know exactly who somebody is on a first date which is why I have this rule where like I'll almost always go on a second date unless they like really offended me but like he was really cute and it was it was fun and he bought my drink for me and people don't do that anymore I know that I said that I was never

going to talk about dudes until the third date and I've broken that now twice but um this is if for those that don't remember who dog dad is he's the bartender that came up to me on my other date and was like he seems boring we should go out instead and I just loved that confidence so I went out with him uh okay so that's that's all that I have for y'all I love you so much um I can't wait to be recording with Liz again this fucking sucks I hate doing this remote stuff but next week y'all will be able to see our new backdrop um it's in my office Liz it was Liz's artistic vision along with like the neon signs that I bought so it's cool to see like both of our visions coming together and I'm excited for y'all to see it okay uh I don't know where Liz

is gonna put this in either this this next part is gonna be liz or it's gonna be us saying bye but anyway i love you okay bye it's your girl skinny penis um i have had one hell of a day um my computer decided it just didn't want to work uh yeah that's a whole thing so it's hanging it on by limb right now. We'll see what happens next week. I wanted to bring up the advice we gave last week to a listener who wrote in about struggling with physical touch and having sex and things like that. And as I was listening back and editing, I was kicking myself for not thinking of this while we were recording the first time. But I also want to give that listener the advice to practice physical touch and intimacy without the expectation of having sex

so if you just erase from your brain that there's any chance that you'll have sex you'll be able to get a little more comfortable with physical touch I personally struggle with that myself of just you know anytime you're intimate with someone you're like you tense up and you're like I don't want them to expect that this is going to turn into sex because it just puts so much pressure on you and it takes the fun out of it and that's not what we want. We don't want that. Relationships are so much more enjoyable when you can have that physical intimacy with each other and there is no like looming feeling that you're gonna have sex. Also grandpa is on my lap right now wagging his sassy tail. He is the sassiest today. I have been around my cats way too much because obviously

working from home but having covid i can't go anywhere i think we should have a little history lesson i thought it would be fun to talk about the history of the vibrator so i got everything i'm about to tell you from hello clue.com but um yeah the invention and history of the vibrator so the first rumor of a vibrator existing was Cleopatra allegedly put bees in a gourd and there's actually no proof of this this isn't like historically true it's it's a myth um but I like the idea of that of just like first of all how did she get these bees into a gourd and then would you just shake up the gourd? And I don't think that they would generate enough vibrations for that to be pleasurable in any aspect, but the idea of just shaking up a gourd full of bees

is hilarious to me. But there's also a very popular but historically inaccurate belief that vibrators were made to treat female hysteria, because it's fun to believe that. It's a spicy story hysteria which originated from a greek word meaning uterus um a greek physician in the back in the day in the bc area area the bc era uh theorized that women's uteruses were just like flopping around freely inside of them and that caused illness and ailments um so since then hysteria has been used to describe a multitude of ailments in women like aggression fainting nymphomania and farting so anything that was just like oh my wife is so annoying and horny that was considered hysteria um and in the 1800s vibrators were hand cranked but there isn't really

any history of them being used to masturbate or like in a sexual way so like a hand cranked vibrator just it was kind of like an egg beater it sounds really exhausting if i'm being honest like if that were my only option i think i would just use my hand um they knew potentially that they could be used sexually but they were used in other ways like to try to treat headaches and like all kinds of random shit um so it was kind of like snake oil at that point in that it was just kind of treated as like a cure-all it'll it'll cure your headaches it'll stop you from balding it'll cure diabetes and you'll lose weight so uh that's just how it was like marketed i think that's how literally everything was marketed in the 1800s was just you know some guy like a carnival barker

outside being like get your vibrator here cure your diseases and that was literally how marketing was done but the very fun and historically inaccurate belief was that doctors would treat hysteria by massaging women's genitals until they experienced hysterical paroxysm which is just an orgasm so like their theory was just if you had female hysteria and you massaged genitals until you had paroxysm like all of the hysteria would come out at once but it's it's just an orgasm and there was like a lot of beliefs that like uh your energy was made up of vibrations like maybe that's where good vibes stems from good vibes just means hysterical paroxysm which just means orgasm and I stand by that and the rumor is that the vibrator was made to help doctors

save time because their hands were tired from just massaging so much pussy there was a movie made in like 2011 or 2010 or something about the doctor who invented the vibrator and they portrayed it as like women were all in on it they all knew that it was like pleasurable and they knew it was an orgasm but these dumb men doctor had no idea so women were just lining up for their orgasm appointment and I like to believe that that was the original dick appointment was going to the doctor for your weekly orgasm sadly the spicy story isn't true and the first time vibrators were used on genitals at all or for like any sort of medical reason was to help men because of course why would anything be made for women's pleasure it wouldn't be um so it was originally

made to like treat guys who couldn't get a boner like i feel like everything that could be used to help women is just used they're like should we use this to help pms symptoms and um cramping no no no let's market it for men's penises um so that's what vibrators were used for on genitals for the first time and i've said this before but gynecology and the medical care of women originated as an extension of treatment for men so like anything like this like vibrators and whatnot that they're they're treating men because they're like oh my wife is so fucking annoying can you help me doctor and then they're like sure um so when did vibrators start to become sexual and sex toys for women so in the early 1900s masturbation was seen as obscene and shameful

and there was a law banning any sort of like obscenity like you you couldn't market anything obscene um so marketers would use euphemisms to market vibrators and doctors were concerned that vibrators would be used for masturbating but they were only worried that men would use them for masturbating because this is like a time where people believed that sex wasn't pleasurable for women and if it was there was something wrong with them and women enjoying sex or wanting sex was so frowned upon that a cure for it was to remove their clitoris, which is my personal fucking nightmare. Like, I heard a comedian once say, if I don't have my clit, I'm just a glove. And that's how I feel. It's just like, it's so important. I need that magic button. In the 1920s

to the 1950s, the FDA was like, okay, listen, you can't say everything is a miracle treatment. they're like cut out this snake oil shit you can't keep saying that a vibrator is gonna like cause you to lose weight and like cure you from balding and cure diabetes um and so i took this whole snippet just directly from the article i was reading electric vibrators such as the polar club were marketed as superior beauty aids capable of transforming not only a woman's face but her entire body. An ad for the Arnold vibrator promised every woman can have a faultless complexion and youthful, finely proportioned figure, adding, there is no further need for powder, paint, pads, or other deceptions. In 1956, the department store Sears produced their

own vibrator, which was advertised as giving you that great-to-be-alive feeling. In the 60s and 70s women's sexuality became slightly more acceptable with the invention of the birth control pill and women only sex education classes that taught women how to masturbate and in the mid 70s the Hitachi magic wand was created which continues to be one of like the most popular vibrators of all time which I think like who among us hasn't heard of that and in the 80s and 90s brought us the rabbit vibrator which if you don't know what that is that's the one that looks like it's doing the two fingers that's like look at me i am the captain now um but what made the rabbit really blow up was it was in an episode of sex in the city in some

places vibrators are still illegal like in 1998 alabama legislators passed a law forbidding the sale of any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs the penalty is a ten thousand dollar fine and one year in jail i don't know if that's still in place i would not be surprised if it is um at least two women have been arrested and there is a texas anti-vibrator law from 1973 that's still in effect although in 2008 one judge declared it unconstitutional and unenforceable. So if you live in the South, I hate to tell you this, but your orgasm's illegal. Um, I mean, that might as well be what they're saying. Uh, yeah. So that is the history of the vibrator. Um, it's still illegal in some places. Um, and I think they're

still a little stigmatized i've seen a lot of people say they wish men would realize that the vibrator is their friend not competition and i totally agree with that like please don't be threatened by a vibrator anyone at all like toys are they should be considered like accessories in the bedroom you know like it's just something to up the ante it's it's that thing that it's like a little purse but for sexual stimulation and pleasure um but that uh concludes my little bit of today's episode and hopefully when this airs i will be covid free because i'm going stir crazy with these fucking cats you guys i i know here's the thing this is this is amazing um we love vaccines they work well in that um it lowered how viral i was so everyone in close contact with

me did not get sick which i love that for them but i am so fucking lonely i've just been inside for like a week straight and i'm losing my mind but anyways i hope you love this shit show of an episode uh it is entirely my fault i am so sorry i promise to not get covid ever again or at least do my best um and i'm gonna add our little outro here bye should we do our little outro yeah let's do it all right ready okay we love you our children watch that be our best one maybe it might be with my because maybe i can hit the lower notes since i'm sick yeah true you're a baritone now Oh, yeah.