The Hoely Hour - E87 Conscious Partnerships with Ariel June

Episode Date: May 20, 2022

While Amelia is power-suiting it up at a wedding this week, Liz invites meditation teacher and inner work guide, Ariel June to share how to navigate and start conscious partnerships in your romantic and personal life.Follow us!TikTok/Instagram/Twitter: @thehoelyhourAriel June:TikTok: @arielhereandnowInstagram: doyouhave.spacePodcast: Do You Have Space Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

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$15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. New customer offer for initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. me slow when network is busy. See terms. Welcome to the Holy Hour. I'm Liz Ball and Amelia is actually at her brother's wedding this week. So this week instead of a regular episode where you just have to listen to my annoying voice, we had a guest and her name is Ariel June. She is a meditation teacher and inner work guide. You might recognize her from TikTok as Ariel here and now and we had a really awesome conversation about conscious partnership and relationships and I think that everyone's gonna find it really interesting and enlightening and I'm excited

for everyone to listen to it so um I'm gonna do Amelia's job by dropping all of our socials so you can follow us on TikTok, Instagram, and Twitter at The Holy Hour and email us your stories at holyhourpodcast at gmail.com and subscribe to us on Patreon for early and ad-free episodes All right. Enjoy. So as all of you know, Amelia is out of town, but we have a guest today. If you want to introduce yourself. Hello. Hello. Ariel June here. Happy to be with you all. Ariel, do you want to share your socials and where people can find you? Yeah, absolutely. You can find me on Instagram or TikTok at Ariel here and now. And then you can also find me at do you have dot space or do you have space.com? Uh, it's a podcast and community, um, centered

around inner work. So we talk about all things related to inner work and meet on Sundays for some meditation and conversation. So those are the places you can find me. Um, so I know Ariel through Mr. Liz and her partner, Brian. So it's like so cool having friends who started a podcast as well. But I wanted to talk to you specifically about conscious partnership because you had a TikTok recently about it. And then on Do You Have Space, you and Brian recently started talking about it. So I know you described it as there kind of being like two sort of paths relationship can go down, like a bicker track and a conscious partnership track. Do you want to explain that a little bit more yeah totally um I love talking about this right now because I feel like maybe

it's just the algorithms that have learned me so much but I keep hearing I don't know different conversations around conscious partnership and I think there's just a collective awareness right now that we didn't necessarily grow up with great examples of healthy romantic partnership or perhaps that what was healthy for our parents generation we have outgrown and now don't have new models for um and I think so many of us are kind of like running into that and like what what do we do because what we're seeing maybe we don't love so um when when I talk about conscious partnership yeah I kind of talked about these two different tracks and I'll just say like growing up I kind of assumed that any romantic relationship you would either like find your soulmate and like

it would just work out magically and like you wouldn't fight that much and it would just be all like lovey and sweet forever, or you would just inevitably, you know, end up on the bigger track, like getting to a point in your relationship where you maybe still like love each other and care about each other. But like, I mean, we all know those couples who are kind of like make little comments at each other or like make jokes at the other person's expense. And it's like uncomfortable. You're like, yeah, in front of everyone. And you're like, are you guys happy? Totally. And it's like, I, I, I think that we invite that kind of humor in when we are harboring a little bit of resentment and then we use a joke to like throw it out there

but every time I see that I can't help but see the reason underneath it and I'm like please don't do that in front of me it makes me feel so uncomfortable when I see other couples doing that guys talk about this later right totally but it's also like so common because I don't think that we have great examples of how to work through those things and not let resentment build and um and so yeah most of the couples that I saw around me growing up um made those little comments those little jokes um that sort of thing and I remember just assuming that that's where my relationship would end up at some point too um and I I mentioned this in the episode we recently released unconscious partnership but I sort of confided in Brian my partner about this uh maybe six or

seven months ago I was like okay I have this fear that that's what was going to happen to us because it happens to everyone it just I just see it happen to most people some people are obviously take it a little further than others so people have a little bit of a lid on it but um and he was like wait we don't have to do that we're not on that track and and uh ever since then we've really dove into a lot of research around the notion of conscious partnership and what that looks like and I think it's really exciting that there's an alternative to as I'm jokingly lovingly call it the bicker track knowing that oh you can actually create conscious communication patterns with someone so that you're not letting resentment build and and you don't have to end up on in that

like bicker territory in your 30s 40s 50s or 60s whenever that happens for you you don't have to do that you don't have to let that stuff build um and so I think on the flip side of that conscious partnership I see is two people who are really committed to their own inner work first and foremost on an individual level like dealing with my own shit just being honest about my own shit being honest about like when I'm letting my shit and my baggage and my trauma like get in the way of of my relationship um and being honest and owning up to the things that I need to work on and I think the other person has to do that too if what if it's just one person it's not really a conscious partnership but if you're both committed to your own inner work and then you

bring that into I don't know your relationship your partnership um that's it's you you can avoid getting on that bigger track I think we'll see yeah but that's that's the theory I'm testing out right now I mean the key word is definitely conscious because right it includes so much self-awareness and totally that is a different challenge for each person to accomplish I think and I'm speaking for myself like just having operated in past relationships like um just kind of like repeating these patterns in dating uh that stem from just like childhood trauma and I always say like it's trauma with a little t you know we all have childhood trauma that no one's perfect yeah all of us yeah no parents perfect so totally but just repeating that

growing up and being like trying to to heal that that little wound from when you were young in the partner that you're seeking out and then becoming aware of it is when you can start picking a different like the right kind of partner and create the relationship that you want I actually recently I told Mr. Liz like um we were talking about a different couple that we know um and uh he was saying that his friend didn't have like a good example of what a healthy relationship looked like growing up and I was like well I mean even if he did like I like my parents are happy but like they don't have the type of relationship that I want so then you're still trying to figure it out like and then also my therapist also likes to remind me that like she's like well

some couples fight a lot and that works for them Liz and I'm like oh that stresses me out yeah I feel that but I do remember so the last time we saw you and Brian like out of the blue I was like do you guys fight because I just couldn't picture it yeah so I like you explaining this a little bit more in detail of this idea of like conscious partnership made a lot of sense and it's something that I can really relate to as well but I think the important part of like what you and Brian were touching on is just it it does take work like you guys were talking about uh early on in your relationship um that things were a little difficult and I think that's like so last week in I think I don't know if it's like last week's episode or two weeks ago um just the

idea that a relationship should be easy at the beginning and like I still stand by that advice like it should be fun but that's not to say that like confronting your own like trauma that's coming up like isn't hard so you can still have fun together and it's easy but then like those feelings of like tension from past relationships are still going to come up yeah yeah totally i actually i listened to the episode and i i honestly totally agree with you if it's super hard in the beginning it's like what are we even doing is this are we just setting ourselves up for a difficult relationship the whole way through and it can be really hard to identify is this hard because I was actually just talking to someone about this literally last night

is it hard because hard work is hard or is it hard because it we shouldn't be together and we're just not compatible and like this isn't working out and it should be fun in the beginning so it's totally a balance and it should be fun in the beginning though for sure and that was I think really confusing to me when Brian and I first started dating is like it was the most fun I had had it was so easy it was so lovely and then like once or twice a month like we'd run into one of my emotional triggers from my past like wounds that I had not uh fully healed from yet and I would be like oh wait this is really really hard um but it also became very apparent to me early on that what we were running into uh was my own my own shit coming up you know what I mean I think

that's like a difference too is it like oh is this pointing at something that I need to heal or are we just like super like just clashing in a way that's like whoa we are different people we want different things we have different communication styles all of that can be worked on but also when I realized a lot of it was just wounds that I thought I had healed but didn't realize you know once you let someone in that close they just get a little closer to the wounds you're like whoa back up totally I totally relate to that oh my gosh yeah yeah did you encounter any of that early on in dating Mr. Liz absolutely uh so like I had I know I think I've told you a little bit about my past relationship of like it was just very traumatizing

and um I hadn't dated anyone that I was like really excited about until I met Mr. Liz and um when like you meet someone that you know is like going to be a good partner for you and you're you have that excitement it's just it's also really scary because um I would have to like hype myself up like in my therapy sessions to bring up like something really small that happened and it wouldn't even be something like like I knew it was like something I needed to work on and it was one of my triggers and I needed to explain that to him and so it it like would just I'd like have to bring it up like a week later after I had like talked myself up into talking about it yeah that's so real and then I it just started to become more and more

natural like um having a level of awareness and being vulnerable with a new partner and saying like this is this is something that triggered me or like I felt a type of way about the situation and i know it has nothing to do with you specifically so i'm going to explain why i feel this way and like what has happened to make me feel this way and having that level of like self-awareness and vulnerability with another person especially your partner is going to like encourage them to be more open to sharing the same things um so i think yeah at some point like mr liz got way more comfortable sharing those things as well and then um i know you say like you and brian will say like uh we almost caught an edge or something and i really like that phrase

a lot it's such a good like when you have that kind of like tense feeling of like bringing something up like all right how are we gonna solve this yeah or like because you don't know someone's gonna be defensive when you bring something up oh my gosh totally so um but we always say like it sounds so stupid we're like are you mad at me but we're like are you mad are you mad at me and then both of us are like no and then we'll talk about it a little bit more but just saying like are you mad it's essentially just the easiest way to be like totally did that make you feel a type of way are you upset can we talk about it but honestly I love that I yeah he walked into like a really our relationship with more self-awareness than I had in the past so I just

like admire that about him like not everyone needs to go to years of therapy to have the self-awareness that I needed to work up to so yeah it's been really like nice that we have kind of built this together like I don't think either of us have had a relationship where it's just so easy to eventually start talking about those things but yeah to your point um there is such a difference between knowing when something is hard with a partner versus like it's hard because you're running into your own triggers popping up yeah if you had like a traumatic relationship in the past it's kind of inevitable it's just as long as you can be aware of it totally totally and I think that's another thing that I love what you said about collaborating or like sort of

co-creating this relationship and different communication patterns I feel like that is really what conscious partnership is and even just like growing into adulthood in romantic partnerships right like it's one thing like to just write things off or just let things roll off your back or like let resentment build when we're younger but like I feel like as we start to mature if you're really going to enter into oh I'm not just dating this person but it is a sort of partnership like whatever you feel like your goal might be if you see yourself being with this long-term person or not like really creating your at a certain point we are co-creating an experience with someone and to do that in a way that's really aware and thoughtful and

I love that you're like are you mad like that's the language that you use I it's so funny I've found in talking to people about this that like the language we all end up creating in relationship can feel so silly at times like we'll say yeah we're catching an edge which is kind of like a snowboarding term Brian used to call them like kerfuffles when we would get into little arguments which I always thought was so hysterical um or like asking like are you mad or like whatever you really are creating this language and it can feel kind of silly because it's like a weird vulnerable space that you're in with somebody but um I think it's so essential to like really realizing like oh part of being in like a mature partnership whatever that looks like for you

is co-creating this experience is co-creating communication patterns is deciding what that looks like and it will look a little bit different um for everyone but I I think acknowledging that and realizing like oh this is something I have to like show up to this isn't something I can really half-ass anymore not if I want the kind of relationship that I want you know and just being honest about that like I I don't want a relationship that's just flippant and I mean you know this from your own experience but having had traumatic relationship experiences like I'm like listen I'm not out here trying to get more traumatized you know what I'm saying like I'm like listen like I I'm gonna do whatever it takes to it you know if I end up leaving my

partnership with Brian I don't want to have to go to a ton of therapy to unlearn what I have learned here so can I show up consciously to not traumatize myself more than you know is necessary you're unavoidable that reminds me a lot of a tiktok I had seen probably a few months ago but this guy was explaining how after he and his partner broke up he started going to therapy and now he can have like conversations with his partner his ex-partner about how their relationship kind of played out and she was like he was saying all the things that he learned while dating her and she was like that's amazing but everything that you learned I have to unlearn now and he like it was nice hearing him acknowledge like oh I wasn't a good partner and I didn't like do the

work I needed to be doing to be in a good partnership and like he he was like we need to acknowledge when we traumatize someone and I was like oh this is kind of a relief to hear like oh my god someone's saying that i well and this also kind of ties into something else i wanted to bring up it was really nice hearing brian like a man say that men needed to step it up because like i was like oh thank god like and brian is such a great example of that too of just someone who is really like self-aware and is consciously putting in the effort to have a good relationship and a lot of the times that does kind of fall on the other person's shoulders like if you're dating if you're dating a man yeah sometimes it can be really hard and um like I

think a lot of women have started to feel really frustrated of like showing up ready to do the work and trying to explain like why something is an issue for them and being met with defensiveness and not to say that's only that's exclusive to like men being defensive like that was definitely me in the past so right right it's yeah I know I I totally feel that it's we've kind of danced around this or tried to articulate it in a way um that hopefully will come across to people but I think you're totally right not to make it an overly gendered thing but the truth is like men typically if you are raised as like a little boy in this country at this time there's a lot of a lot of implications to that and and that that men then bring into relationship or that men then

men don't bring into relationship. Um, and I don't think, um, I don't say that to necessarily like call out men or say that they're the problem because you're right. Like, I mean, I can be just as honest and say like, I brought in a lot of my own trauma and emotional baggage. Like you said, like I have my own defensive quality. It took me a handful of times getting triggered to realize like, oh man, when I get triggered, I think it's all Brian's fault. And then I come down and I'm like oh there was this protector in me that came out because in my last relationship in that situation I would not have been safe but I am safe now and so now that's on me to to learn a new a new way to relate in those situations so I don't mean to call out men as though they're the

only ones in this equation that have work to do and also culturally right now a lot of women women identifying people, uh, are the ones carrying a lot of that weight. We're the ones who are like, have been in therapy for years now. We're the ones who are like, we don't want to do this anymore. We want to, um, really, I mean, calling this conscious partnership really want to in a way, like raise the level of consciousness in ourselves and in our partnerships and, um, want to be met in that place. And, and there's a lot to that. There's a lot to that. Um, I, we don't have to go like too deep down this rabbit hole but like if you think about it in in the sense of generational trauma I carry my own trauma I also carry the weight of generational

trauma from my mom and her mom and the mom you know and on and on and on and even though like in this instance in my partnership with Brian even though Brian is not actively causing me trauma he generationally carries the in in a lot of ways if we look historically right like the oppression the generational oppression that women have received from men that's not specifically Brian's problem or his fault but in a conscious partnership it is also uh in some ways I believe his responsibility to also like facilitate and create the divine masculine container for the healing um that women have experienced and that gets we really we could go down a huge rabbit hole there for sure we don't have to right now but um I'm like yeah let's do it so much

there but it is it's like yeah it's not your fault but it is also like we are carrying these things and um and there is circling back to our our episode on conscious partnership on do you have space when brian said that when he like lovingly like called out men i was like so turned on i was like call him out that's my guy i was like yes get him um but i think we're seeing more of that which is also really hopeful so it's not like a it's not like a a hopeless story like I'm seeing a lot um and like you you said about that TikTok video earlier the relief you felt first of all I know the exact video you're talking about I saw it and I was like it was we probably have some crossover on some of our algorithms a hundred percent we do for sure um but it was it was

almost healing to hear someone say that to recognize like oh wow like in that relationship he learned so much and in the process of therapy he learned so much and on the other side she's like yeah I was traumatized and I have to heal from that and unlearn things and for him to be like oh oh yeah different things and that's all like I would want from past partnerships like just the acknowledgement like I don't need any sort of like major apology or anything like that just the acknowledgement of like oh yeah I am aware that like here are some of the things that I did that could have traumatized you but yeah uh it's funny that would be lovely I know but I had talked to my therapist about that specifically of just like I just want the acknowledgement

and Amelia and I had talked previously kind of just like not recording I think people forget that we talk when we're not recording too so then we forget what we have and haven't recorded but um she was saying how she wanted to have like an episode about closure because closure is just kind of this like elusive idea but my I had talked to my therapist about that too like I just want the acknowledgement so I can have some closure and she's like well if you don't get that how are some other ways you can find closure and then just her encouraging me to she's like you can find closure on your own and not have another person give that to you but like it's gonna be harder but it's gonna be more rewarding and now being on the other end of that I'm like she was so right

yeah well how did you how did you find that closure I'm with you I think that that is so empowering and we when we realize not just in relationships but in all aspects of our lives at the end of the day we're responsible for our energy and what we hang on to what we let go of that's incredibly hard to do but it is something that we can do so I'm curious to hear like what did that look like for you how did you find closure without actually receiving any engagement and if you don't want to get into it oh no it's totally fine I love talking about stuff like this um I think I mean honestly going to therapy weekly for like probably at least a year and a half now I go bi-weekly I could probably go monthly if I wanted to but I'm just too like emotionally

attached to my therapist at this point. So supportive. Working through like obviously relationship trauma but being able to like really really dive deep into it and recognize how it stemmed from childhood trauma and just the being aware of the becoming aware of the patterns I was repeating in relationships I just spent a lot of time journaling um and really really deep in my feelings because I you know this is just like the the pandemic is a uh worldwide trauma so I know I'm not the only one but like being by myself in a studio apartment and not having any family up here and not being able to see any friends because we're all quarantined like it I'm thankful for the time I was forced to spend by myself with my own thoughts and like

it I think I don't know just thinking like spending all that time alone is also really helpful like choosing to to be alone and not looking for another person to like fill any parts of my i want to say my heart and say it i love it yeah totally um but uh i also was thinking like um there's i i've noticed like two different kinds of paths to finding like kind of the right partnership for yourself of um a lot of people are like yeah and when i wasn't looking i found like this person uh and that i mean that happened for me like i was bored so i was like i guess i'll go on some dates and then that's how i met mr liz and that was just kind of like i walked into that not wanting a relationship and so did he and then it just kind of happened um

and then and then the other end of that is i i heard i was saw a tiktok of a woman explaining like i don't agree with that because like i was really i i had everything i wanted in mind so she was really intentionally dating and that's how she found her husband yeah and i was like that worked for her because she knew who she was so like some people need that time to figure out who they are and not be looking um because then you're like oh i can change that about this person or I'll like tolerate this and maybe it'll change and yeah when you when you have that aspect versus like being really intentional of like trusting your gut and knowing like yeah no this person just doesn't feel right for me that's so different because you're confident in who you are you're

really rooted and self-assured and you don't need another person's validation so I was like there can it can go both ways and work out perfectly like yeah each I totally agree for sure and I think I mean honestly I think what I love about what you're saying is the underlying foundation for both of those is knowing yourself you're either spending that time intentional time alone you're like I don't I don't need to date anybody and you're really like focused on being rooted in yourself or you're like actively pursuing someone you know exactly what you want but like that desire and knowing what you want comes out of like a true deep sense of connection to yourself and knowing what will support you. Um, but I think you're totally, I think either way. Um,

I've definitely heard so many stories on both sides of that. I'm on your, I'm in your camp. I was like, I'm good. I had got out of a very long, like seven or eight year long relationship about a year before I got together with Brian. And I was like, I'm going to be single for a long time and just enjoy being by myself and enjoy dating casually. Like I just, it was, I was having a good time and he interrupted that. So that was pretty good with him, honestly. You're like, ugh. I literally, like he told me he liked me and I was like, I am having a great time dating everyone in Seattle, please go away. And then he just kept hanging out with me and I was like, he's great. So just happened, you know?

yeah yeah um and as we're talking I'm realizing like a big part of healing for me when I spent that time alone I was very consciously thinking about my highest self and like connecting with that part of myself and like putting a visual to it and I do a lot on Pinterest in terms of like my highest self and like um how I picture that and like connecting with that like and talking to I would imagine myself talking to like the highest version of myself and like taking my advice taking advice for myself if that makes sense oh yeah totally that I think like being very intentional about like what kind of person do I want to be and how do I want to feel in my own body and like how do I want other people to feel in my presence that's what helped me feel

more grounded in who I am before deciding to like go out and date again because I was bored totally totally I love that you did I actually didn't know that you did I think we've talked about that but I love like having conversations with my higher self um and like meditating and spending time there I really think that I mean I'm not an expert in on well any of this but uh on on this notion of time or being able to access higher versions of ourselves but I mean we already know time is a theory it's not linear it operates different in different planes and that's not spiritual that is literally just like it happens on this planet time works differently in different parts of the planet um and on different planets but I and I think that

knowing that and and having these experiences where I've been like okay I'm gonna actually try to like channel my higher self like really try to like sit across from her in meditation imagining as though like it was really real she was here and like ask the like what what she would say like what advice she would give in this situation and I don't know if you it sounds like you've experienced this to some extent as well but the amount of clarity like my older self just like oh yeah shit and it doesn't feel like things that like I know and I'm like where did this come from like it really does feel like you you can access these higher versions of yourself and give yourself some some clarity I often actually think about like I didn't start doing that like

these meditations where I'll talk to my higher self and ask for advice or like um I don't know any input things like that until like maybe three or four years ago I started doing it and I wish I had done it sooner because I often will access like myself at different ages I'm actually curious to hear what your kind of practice this is like so sometimes I'll do like when I'm like I'm 30 right now so sometimes I'll do like my 35 year old self because I'm like you know what's next immediately like what's going down you know what I'm saying but sometimes I'll also access like my 55 year old self or like my 75 year old self like I like access myself at different points in my life and I can't wait until I had this thought recently I can't wait till I'm

like 35 or 55 or 75 to like almost meditate in reverse and like go spend time with my younger self but like to to be able to almost like cross time and be like I was actually spending time with myself um at that age is like time bending to me it gets really sci-fi and cool I love that I haven't thought about like age like yeah trying to talk to you like your younger or older self something I I actually I'm realizing I haven't like told anyone this I just kind of subconsciously do it um Liz uh you know how like you hear a certain song and it just like if it feels like it's vibrating through you yeah I treat that as almost like time markers like um my future self is telling me this is like how I'm feeling now is important like while I'm listening to this song

it's like a message so anytime it like a certain song shows up like just in the wild I kind of like will take a moment to myself and like just bask in it and enjoy it um and then I also I love that my psychiatrist is like she she I was like sometimes I have a hard time differentiating between my gut instinct and like if it's just fear and then she's like your gut instinct is calm and then I was like reflecting on that and how I felt when like my gut was right and I was like you're so you're so right like totally a specific example Mr. Liz hates when I bring this up and I understand that he hates it but like we broke up for like a day um yeah and that's real when that happened like I remember sitting in the moment just being like this isn't real like it's

not over and then that was like it was just like a moment where I knew that intuitively and then after that like the fear kind of kicked in and then I was like very emotional but I kept thinking about that like moment of like I was like this doesn't feel real and yeah that and then being right and then like the next day being like I was afraid so let's actually talk about this more and honestly like I tell him this now and he hates when I bring it up just because it makes him sad but like I'm really thankful that happened because it was almost like hitting a reset button on like totally I don't think he was aware that I was kind of feeling the same fears as he was he just was choosing not to talk about them to me so he was bearing all this weight on his own

and wow yeah then me saying like I think you would have been really relieved if you had brought this up to me and learned that I feel the same way like I have the same fears and then like I think just kind of meeting him with understanding instead of you know defaulting to being defensive and trying to protect myself like that was kind of what helped us be such good communicators now like we we really don't fight like maybe we'll have kind of a tense conversation but we after we have that tense conversation we will check in and be like well how are you feeling like tell me more about it so um but it's it's totally learned like I don't have an example of this in my life like totally if my parents are my parents never argued in front of me so in that

way I'm like a little thankful um but they would kind of like you know snap at each other um yeah but I didn't have like a example of two people like checking in with how they feel to each other like oh my gosh right and why not like I get that our parents wanted to keep that from us my parents also never argued in front of me they would be really direct when they were working through things or when they were having a hard time which I actually appreciated my mom didn't want us to feel like there was any ambiguity as to like whether they were okay and so sometimes they would just sit us down and be like your dad and I are fine but we are having a hard time right now we're working on it like you don't need to worry um and we'll just keep you posted on how

things are going and I really appreciated that communication but I'm with you it also as much as I'm like okay cool they didn't argue in front of us and that was nice like I don't really want to witness that, that necessarily. And also I'm like, yeah, but it would have been nice to have examples of how to work through things, which I didn't, I didn't really see or figure out. So I'm with you how to stumble into that on my own. I love hearing that though, about you and Mr. Liz, because I also love calling him Mr. Liz, especially knowing like in real life, I'm just going to start referring to him as Mr. Liz, all of them. Um, yeah, I, I love that you both had that experience I'm with you I think sometimes taking a step back is is so necessary to provide

some clarity whether you like officially like break up for a day or not um Brian and I had I think probably two similar moments in our relationship where we didn't like break up and then get back together but there was this like okay let's pause for like 48 hours step back and just be like is this what we both really want like are we in this experiencing some confusion And back to what you said about, I think this directly ties into the whole intuition versus fear thing. I just heard a teacher that I really love say that intuition is always accessed in neutrality. So calmness, like anytime you're like spinning in anxious thoughts or fear or like panic

or anger, you might be able to hear your intuition underneath all of that noise, but probably not. and so in the instance of like it sounds like you Mr. Liz or even for Brian and I like in that time where we took a couple of days to step back like just pausing to be like no more input like let me just like pause all of the sort of external stimulation of like arguing or being or like talking about this or like feeling afraid and uncertain and you know all of those things let me just like step back come to that neutral place and I had a similar moment as the one that you described were like when we did that I was like okay we need to take like two or three days to

like think about this and within like 12 hours I had got back to that place of neutrality and calmness and was like oh yeah no I still totally want to be in this but I have a crazy fear of abandonment and I have this fear and I have whatever and that's what's coming up and I need to deal with that and you know Brian and I probably need to talk about a few things but it's not that I don't want to be together um but I don't think I could have come to that clarity without taking a step back neutral place totally and like you were saying the whole alone time thing like whether you're single and like intentionally being like I'm gonna be alone right now or if you're with someone but still taking time to yourself is is so crucial to get to that point

of calmness and neutrality where you can say okay like what what do I really feel what do I really need in this relationship or in life in general like is just so is so essential and deep down like your intuitive self knows what the answer is so for finding a moment of peace is just that's when the answers are going to come through yeah totally I love what you said about when you hear songs and like you feel like your future self in a way is like highlighting this moment I love that don't make me cheesy I totally got goosebumps when you said that I I have my own moments like that sometimes it's a song sometimes it's just like a feeling like all of a sudden I'll just be like oh my gosh this like I had this moment the other day a very similar thing where

did this the feeling wash over me where I was like it sounds kind of cheesy but I was like nothing matters but like this moment and like how I feel and then like pausing like you said to take that moment with yourself where you're like wait how do I feel right now I feel really content I feel like I have everything that I could possibly ever want or need in this moment there's no there's no issues that I'm dealing with there's nothing but like contentment and joy and love for this person that I'm with him for this season of my life and can I just like rest in that feeling because I do think our higher self is pointing out those moments to say like that's it like that's the good shit keep coming back to this feeling because that's what you were being sort of called into so

I love that like songs and music do that for you that's so beautiful that's totally how I feel too of like when you have a moment of like oh I'm very like aware of this moment I think of it as like yeah either my higher self or like a future version of myself like tapping me and being like this is it and it's gonna be okay or like yeah just just like finding like peace in that moment and knowing that it's coming from because I like you said with time like sure there's the measurement of time but I I like this description of it like we're not moving through time time is moving through us um so like kind of visualizing it as that of like oh I've always existed and so yeah that that person like the fear of the unknown is just like I think that scares everyone of like

oh well yeah things will get better once I get a raise or things will be like right what's it what is my future look like who am I gonna marry and we do so much to like try and control that like control the fear of the future but it takes just so much I don't know focused energy to to realize like oh um the future has already happened and like all I can do is live right now it's hard to it's hard to stay conscious in the moment for sure but I always those moments I just I'm like, yeah, my future self or my higher self knows what the outcome of this is. So I'm just going to like go along for the ride and do my best while I can. Totally. And I think anchoring to those moments is so important. Like really, I love that you have a practice of like pausing

and being like, wait, like just soak this up for a moment. I think in a similar way, meditation can serve as another practice to do that. I mean, we hear all the time like, oh, you got to be in the present moment you got to be in the present moment but like you really that's there is a lot of magic there and if if that phrase feels like I don't know cheesy or abstract or unattainable it's like no it actually is and once you have those moments you start to realize like oh that's what people mean oh that's why everyone keeps talking about like the importance of being present to the moment as it is that's why so many different wisdom traditions so many different philosophies spiritual practices people fucking like influencers on the internet are like it's the present moment

it like feels so cheesy but then you have those moments you're like oh oh damn like this is what they mean and and pinning my like anchoring my contentment my happiness my joy my gratitude on a future state like you said once I get the raise once I get the partner once I get like to this point or get a better apartment or whatever anchoring your happiness to that um is a a sure way to guarantee that you will never be happy because you're not you're literally teaching your brain like on a neuroscientific level you are teaching your brain not to be happy with what you have but to be happy for a future state so even if you get the raise your brain will have learned to be happy on based on a future state so it's not even about the raise it's about future

state future state future state and that just sucks like let's not do it to ourselves you know what I mean like let's just figure out how to be happy right the hell now yeah instead of trying I mean I did that a lot in my like early 20s but I think it's just also that kind of like all right I I am a working woman and I need to like prove myself and I need to I need to hit these markers and like I feel that I do think that women experience a lot of pressures societally like in terms of like being recognized in the workplace and then you get to a certain age where everyone's obsessed with your uterus and if anyone's in it and like when you're gonna be married like oh god last night I was talking to my mom about like weddings and I was like honestly after

watching all my friends get married like it seems so exhausting that if I if I get married I'm probably gonna elope and then she was like no you're not and I'm like excuse me you want to plan my wedding for me like you wouldn't even know yeah exactly without you knowing yeah um but I did want to ask you a couple more questions um just I wanted to ask like what do you think everyone talks about red flags but what do you think are some green flags oh green flags are fun um I would say green flags right off the top of my head are um someone is willing to like be wrong or not even just be wrong but they're willing to be open to another perspective uh that just goes in general for all people whether you're looking for any really any

friendship relationship yeah totally totally totally um yeah being willing to to listen to another perspective and I don't just mean like oh I'll listen until you're done talking but being willing to think like oh I didn't think about it that way and that might change the way that I look at a situation I feel like that's a really a really big green flag for me um let's see I honestly been thinking a lot about friendships as well so I feel like these yeah all apply to relation like romantic partnership but also to friendships but um another green flag is that they're really invested in their in doing their own work and examining their own behavior patterns um I used to think that the whole like oh we're so influenced by our childhood and by our parents relationship

like I just kind of threw like baby out with the bathwater when it comes to anything related to Freud like it just felt like over sexualized and and outdated but there's so much truth to it and I think that the more that we can be honest about that and and really look at where we come from and And be honest about the way that that impacts our relationships now is really important. So when a person is willing to examine their own behavior and be like, oh, yeah, why do I do that? Like, what's going on here? Or any other semblance of inner work, like that they're sitting with their own bullshit, is a green flag for me. um I think being this one's like a little bit deeper but being able to hold space for someone

else's like big feelings I think is also a really big green flag because I when I first started dating Brian and my triggers were just like running the show for about six months um I was like oh my gosh like he is going to for sure break up with me this isn't fun like why would he stay signed up to deal with this. And, and we were slowly getting better at handling it. And we were having a lot of great, you know, lovely times together outside of that. But I learned in that process that like, oh, real relationship isn't just like, like Brian could have been like, oh, this isn't my problem. This is your, your shit. But that's not real relationship. Like once you're in like real partnership, you're, you're also holding space for the other person's

even if it doesn't have anything to do with you um and so seeing someone that has the emotional maturity to be like okay this might not have anything to do with me but I care about you so I can hold space for whatever you're feeling and going through too I love that well I'm thinking specifically about um Mr. Liz is like aware of some of the like tension I feel around my family I mean no one can trigger you more than like your family oh yeah we all like even your parents they'll revert to treating you like you're 17 and then you'll like act like you're 17 because that's how they're treating you and it's just it's so annoying but um just him being aware of that and like how I'm feeling and he can observe like interactions with my family in the moment and see

like how I'm responding to something and like know how I'm feeling and then um it's just kind of like life-changing having a partner who knows and is in your corner and witnessing it with you so then I can like we you know we'll leave the room and be talking about something and then like if I just ask him what he thinks or he'll volunteer like validating me of like this is what I observed and like I agree with you so um he just so nice oh yes it was like I was like oh my god this is healing this is healing me for sure I love that it's so nice like experiencing that and then um also like my family has so much respect for him and adores him oh my gosh they love him so much so oh I love like I can kind of use him as leverage and he knows that he also

doesn't care he's like yeah do it um do it there you go I love that like if I'm explaining something to my mom like well when this happened this is how I was feeling and then she's like well what did Mr. Liz think and then I'll say like he agreed with me and then here's what else he said then that put helps put things into perspective having like an ex an external third party who isn't really involved like knowing what's going on and like validating how I'm feeling yeah it just kind of like add some grounding um for sure I feel that in my with my family as well Brian's been so supportive and validating my experiences and offering like literal support in those situations uh so I totally totally resonate with that um and then what's the other thing I was gonna say

it also is really interesting seeing my mom react to like oh you guys like talk about these kinds of things like like yeah he is he is my person I we are like openly communicate about stuff that like probably my parents wouldn't talk about or acknowledge yeah just I think that's generational oh that also reminds me like just saying the word generational I love that you brought up generational trauma because it's I fully believe that's really real I wanted to ask you I know for me personally I am kind of the only person in my extended family and obviously my immediate family that is like actively seeking out healing and I think it's I find it really empowering I'm like yes I am I am doing this for all of us at first I was like frustrated and exhausted but

then like having the awareness and choosing to like I'm gonna change this for us like yeah do you feel the same way as like do you feel empowered or strong when you're like I'm gonna heal our generational trauma I do I totally do I'm with you actually I have a very similar process with it and I at first was frustrated that I was the only one who was doing it in my family not the only one um I will say my mom is pretty aware she's not super committed to all of the inner work but she's very open um and anytime I'm like I have something I need to share with her she is very receptive and, um, has worked like outright works to remain receptive. Um, which I, I really am appreciative of, but she's also not like actively pursuing, um, doing this healing

work. Um, and I don't know that, yeah, anyone else in my family is. And at first that was really frustrating. I think especially the parent to child dynamic, like I was like, um, you're my parents like can you do this work like why am I doing this work you know and wanting them to be more aware of the ways that the belief system I grew up with harmed me and I had to like heal from and to apologize for that and to be doing their own work to heal from that themselves used to really frustrate me and I think more recently I mean within the last couple of years but even especially within the last six months for me not only did I switch into that place like you're saying I'm feeling really empowered like oh no I'm doing this for all of us

like this this shit stops with me like I I will take on that work I've also realized at a certain point um that I mean really as with this whole child parent dynamic specifically we want our parents to parent us in the way that we need to be parented and there's this weird tension of entering into adulthood and we have these childhood wounds that maybe haven't been addressed and our parents should address but at a certain point we surpass our parents most of us will surpass our parents um not because our parents like don't care uh or don't want to keep learning maybe they don't care maybe they don't want to keep learning but for the most part it's not that they're like being intentionally negligent but we're just constantly learning and growing and

if you're intentionally doing this work going to therapy learning like I mean all of the books and podcasts I learn are about this like I have to give I'm like I have to give myself a break sometimes and just like watch shitty tv or something just take a break from it but I'm like if I'm doing all this learning intentionally I'm obsessed with it I'm just surpassing their education and skill and experience around it and I don't mean that in a haughty or cocky way at all it just is true I'm reading books about this I'm going to therapy I'm learning how to process all this better and do it better and so that creates this weird dynamic because I want them to be the parent but in a way we get to a point where we have to parent ourselves and then as we continue

to gain emotional maturity and intelligence around all these things we also have to let go of wanting them to be the parent that's going to apologize for all those things and in some ways again I don't mean this in a cocky or hot way but in some ways I'm like I'm the parent now I'm in charge now not of them of course but like of my experience and of some things with them so there are certain things where I'm like you know I have a 16 year old brother who's much younger than me and there are certain things that there are certain ways that they're parenting him and they recently were dealing with something with him and my dad was like oh I'm frustrated because we're trying to you know be the parents and do this thing and I just gently looked at

them and I said um you would have been so proud of me Liz I was like do you want to hear how that affected me growing up and they were like and my dad kind of was like oh do we I love that um speaking of uh Mr. Liz kind of being that support for you Brian was there with me so I think that he provided me some grounding like I felt safer knowing that my person was there and had my back but I think they also had to be on really good behavior because it wasn't just, you know, me there. Um, but I had to be really gentle. Yeah, totally. I had to be really gentle because I wasn't like coming with them, like with some fiery anger about it all. But I was like, okay, well you parented me in that same way. And honestly, like I've had to go to therapy to heal from that.

And here's how that affected me. And, um, you know, you can keep parenting him that way if you want to, but I just thought you should know that that had a really, um, negative impact on me. And I just wanted you to know that. And in that way, I, I, I'm trying to use that as an example to explain what I mean by like me switching into the parenting world. Like I've had to parent myself in certain ways. And in some ways, when it comes to those things, like I have to let go of like, I just want to be the child and I want them to do a better job. And I have to, I have to let that go to be like, okay, I, I I'm in charge of my own experience now. Wow. That was a long winded way to answer your question. No, I love it. But I totally relate, totally relate to

what you're saying and have felt that for sure I personally struggle with the part of like letting go and like being mature and grounded in the moment it's god it's such a struggle I've gotten better at it but yeah it takes a lot of time it's not I I found like being conscious and like mature when talking to my parents is so much harder than with a partner like for sure because Because I mean, a partner is always going to like, ideally, you're both on the same page and want it to keep working. But then your parents raised you. So they're like, I know more.

I raised you. I brought you into this world. Yeah. The dynamic here is really weird. Yeah. Versus like a partner is ideally going to treat you and see you as an equal or at least like want to do that. So.

And you're going to be in that collaborative process together, like we were saying earlier, which you're not in with your parents anymore I heard this comedian recently talk about she was like yeah I went to hang out with my family for a week you know a while ago and she's like so that basically means you know when I got there and then within 10 minutes I for out for no reason that I could understand was furiously angry and was eating all of the bread in the house and I was like I feel so called out like I totally like shit bubbles up when I'm around family and then I'm like give me carbs to to boost my dopamine so I'm not only angry I'm over exaggerating but it's yeah totally yeah anyway um the last question I wanted to ask you before we wrap up is um what advice do

you have for getting started on a conscious path oh I love this question um yeah do you meet on an individual level or more in conscious partnership specifically? I was thinking conscious partnership specifically, but you kind of have to have both. Yeah. I, um, yeah, for sure. Yeah. I'll start by saying it definitely has started an individual level doing your own inner healing work and really showing up and taking responsibility for our own shit. Like no one's coming to save us. Um, we all have traumas, like you said, like that could be really small or it could be really severe and acute. We all are dealing with trauma. And although that comes from other people, usually at the end of the day, it's not our fault that those things happen to us, but it is ultimately

our responsibility to heal from them. And I wish the world worked different. I wish that like if someone hurt you, they would be held accountable to, like you said, provide closure, like an old partner or boyfriend or apologize for the ways that they hurt you. But it doesn't really work that way. Um, and I want it to, but because it doesn't, it is up to us to take responsibility for our wounds, even if they're not our fault. And so it does start on an individual level, but in conscious partnership, honestly, I think it's like easier than we think it is. Like now that I'm getting into it, I don't know if you feel similarly, it's just a matter of like having those conversations. And I think at a very base level, like, um, you know, saying to the

person that you're dating like you know I'm really interested in a conscious partnership like I don't I don't want to end up in the same kind of relationship that my parents had even if they still love each other like I'd like to do it different I would like to do it a different way and so um are you like are you open to that is that something that you want what do you want our partnership to look like or even not our partnership what is your just ideal partnership look like um it's a great question and just like having those conversations I think we get a little bit weird about those or like is that weird to talk about screw it it's not weird like we don't have any examples of it like totally yeah so it does feel weird but like let it feel weird you

know what I mean like um I think that meta communication is really helpful like talking about how you talk about things so saying like those sorts of things I know this kind of is weird because like I don't really have any examples of how to do this well but I kind of want to do it different do you want to do it different um or like meta communicating about the way that you argue like hey yesterday when we talked about this like when we were arguing um I really actually appreciated when you said this can we can you can we do more of that or like when you said this I know you did not mean it that way but it made me furious like but like getting into all the weeds of that I think is really helpful. So yeah, one, just having a direct

conversation with the person you're dating. I would like a conscious partnership. I don't even know exactly what that means and this might be a weird kind of conversation to have, but like, I want to have it. Do you want to have a conversation about that with me? And then two, metacommunicating, talking about how you talk about things. If you feel anxious about a conversation, say out loud, I kind of feel anxious about this conversation but I want to have it anyway and just like verbalizing some of those things that we feel afraid to say oh yeah is really essential that is so helpful like just being able to say like I'm really nervous right now or I'm like afraid to talk to you about this because then like it helps you lower down your defenses and yeah them

too um and it evokes their empathy if they're like if someone that you care about is like I'm kind of nervous like I'm like oh man if I care about you I'm like oh my gosh don't be nervous like I got you we're good you know um so I think it's you're totally right about that yeah yeah I think the underlying thing too is just like a level of self-awareness which like that sounds so it doesn't you don't get it until you get it if that makes sense like it's like the same thing about being present it's like oh should it be present oh sure be self-aware and then you get it and you're like oh self-awareness is really important yeah just being able to like I think I found the most helpful thing is just like if I'm feeling a way like if I start to feel myself

getting angry or defensive I'll like stop and I'll be like okay why am I feeling this way there's no reason I should be feeling like this um like I think a specific example that I was telling you about before we started recording when I took Mr. Liz to a comedy show and he was like explaining to me after like well I was really afraid the whole time that like you were gonna get us called on and then like yeah I was I got really like annoyed and kind of aggravated I didn't like say anything or react a specific way I was just kind of like silent and then like a few minutes later when I went to the bathroom I was like why am I like he is allowed to feel that way and be worried like he's a lot he's telling me this because you feel safe telling me this and there

is no reason for me to feel defensive or like irritated like he's sharing this with me so I am aware and then after that I quickly got over it because I was like I'm glad he told me that because now when we're in another situation I can make sure that he isn't feeling that way or whatever like just having the awareness of how he might be feeling is helpful yeah yeah and that's such a petty thing to be like i'm annoyed no but honestly we're all so petty all the time like that stuff comes up so much where i'll be like so annoyed and then i i love what you're pinpointing here around the self-awareness and the specific practice of like when i feel something especially if it's like annoyance disgust frustration with another person all self-awareness looks like is

saying wait why do i feel that way can i trace that feeling back because when you dug into that you were like wait mr liz is allowed to feel that way if i'm annoyed by that it might be because i don't know there could be a number of reasons right like maybe my preference is like it would be fun to be called on and like he's ruining my chances or whatever the thing is but at the end of the day you're like oh okay that's probably not a good enough reason to not be supportive of him and then and then you and then like okay i can let that go but that's all that self-awareness looks like really in those moments is asking why I'm frustrated or annoyed right now why and then feeling a little defensive like um of like he's blaming on me but it's not like

he wasn't blaming anything on me he was just like telling me what he was worried about so yeah like if he's made me feel safe to approach him about those kinds of things and like he meets me with understanding I he I fully believe he should expect me to do the same so it's always good to have a little reminder in those moments of something like that catches you off guard of like I'm gonna I feel defensive I don't know why but just being able to be like why am I defensive and then once you can like acknowledge it then you can let it go and then at least like affirm your partner like I okay thanks for for sharing that with me and like now I know and yeah being aware of how someone might be feeling like he's aware of how I feel around a family situation so

I can be aware of how he feels in, in a theater situation. Totally. I love that too, because I think people, I often get asked like, well, how do you let it go? Like, how do you let it go? If you're feeling that feeling, honestly, just asking why sometimes it's it because once I get to the bottom of why, and I'm like, oh, I'm just being fussy. I'm like, well, that's not a good enough reason for me to be a dick to my partner right now, you know? And then it's kind of easy from totally I just need to drink some water um for sure almost always the answer yeah just drink some water and ask yourself why yeah exactly and I love it oh this has been so fun I know I love this this was such a great conversation and I'm so glad that like we could find time for you to

be a guest and um I really think that our listeners are gonna love this so yeah I'm good thank you so much supportive yeah it's been lovely it's been lovely to hear more about your process with all of this too obviously we've talked but to get into it a little bit um in more depth has been so lovely so thank you again for having me on I feel like so honored long time listener first time guest this has been great um yeah all right um well so if you guys want to follow Ariel uh she is ariel here now on all of her social handles and um her podcast with her partner brian is called do you have space and um it's really great to listen to so i highly recommend it if you liked this conversation you're gonna love their podcast you're so kind thank you yeah

Thank you.