The Hoely Hour - E9 The Jane Austen of Sh*ts

Episode Date: August 12, 2020

This podcast is now hosted by two 12-year-old boys, featuring farts and bewbs. If you want six-pack abs, start holding in your farts at the gym. Referring to women as "females" makes you a domestic terrorist. We're no longer slapping men ladies, we're head-butting them. It's monogamy! It's like The Hustle, but monogamous. Amelia and Liz talk about STDs and other fun stuff in this week's episode. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

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Upfront payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for a 12-month plan required. $15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. May slow when network is busy. see terms give me that nut boy should i say that give me that nut i want that i'm gonna introduce it into the bedroom yeah i want that nut give me that nut

i gotta start saying that that's so fucking funny that nut dough welcome to the holy hour i'm amelia samson and i'm liz ball thanks for joining yeah i don't know why i always have to sing a part of it maybe this is my thing now yeah just singing yeah i mean you do sing on your own i that's true yeah i'm like in your no no i know you're outside of your podcast like she's a singer she's a singer y'all um cool we just recorded our intro the earliest we've ever recorded it while we've been recording yeah normally we do it like two hours in because we forget we forget we get too into that we have an intro yeah we're like let's make it deep right

away um okay so i have this tweet i want to read you that a friend sent me okay well her name is lives and her tag is at lives 15 l-i-v-v-s 15 and my my best friend sent me this tweet oh i see okay and um she was like you should talk about this on the podcast so her tweet is i think one of my favorite memories is when i became exclusive with this guy i was dating he went to hawaii and then just never talked to me again like i still have not heard from him this was in may are we still exclusively dating i need answers holy shit what would you do if somebody just goes to me after i was exclusive with them yeah he's like if you go on vacation and then just never fucking talks to you again now i'm single at that point wait that's wild i can't

i would be raging wait it says how long they were dating before you went on or no no okay so i guess that depends like if i was like exclusive with someone for like a month and then they ghosted nah if they ghost me for a week i'm single yeah you know what i mean so like i know this is obviously like there's we need more details yeah but like oh my god no if i was dating them for like a year and they ghosted i think it would probably take like a month for me to be like i'm single well so she was like they they had just become exclusive so they're probably talking for like i would say what's a normal amount to like be talking oh my god i don't know it's the the variable ranges you know i guess it's like maybe like i would say if i was yes oh two weeks

to be well i guess like it depends on i i would wait it by how many dates like oh that's such a like three to i'm the worst person to ask because i was dating someone for nine months and we weren't exclusive yeah but you clarified that yeah that's true so like if i hadn't had clarified it then i don't know like the range would be maybe like three dates to 10 dates and then after that it starts to it is but it's so different from person to person and also you're still learning about people after i was still learning about the comedian after nine months so it's like yeah however i was gonna be learning much time you're comfortable with not knowing about someone before you like commit to them fully i don't know liz what do you think he just like goes on vacation

and never talks to her again i i would castrate him fully i know like my biggest question is i'm just like did she try talking to him after because i would you know me i the first thing i'd be like would be like what the fuck are you doing yeah like this man chose to waste her time yeah i'm so mad for her i just have a lot of questions you could just not be a douche yeah right that's an option yeah yeah it's always an option well and then it's like what really have you really spared your own feelings like by telling yourself that it's better this way i don't know i think dumb as hell it's so stupid that's such a good question i want some more answers i would have he had to have met someone in hawaii who knows unless he just doesn't like confrontation i

wonder maybe if he was like felt like rushed i don't know maybe wow either way there's no there's no justification there's zero justification but i would like to know what's going on and he said it's just literally so that's fucking insane i had a friend i think this is a good time to bring this up since we're talking about twitter i had a friend reach out to me um she said that i could say her name her name's callie i went to high school with her and she's a bomb she wanted us to um touch on the topic of how to spot men who don't like women and we justified yeah if he meant like a gay man right or just saw that or a misogynist she said um sometimes guys are nice to girls they want to sleep with and it takes a while to figure out he doesn't see you as a whole

person fact but nothing is as less attractive to me than a dude who only sees value in his mother and literally no other woman on the planet that is such a common thread wow i've come to notice little red flags with this kind of guy and then she so when i asked about misogynists or or men that don't date women she clarified and she said misogynist but it doesn't have to be like malicious or actively woman hating they just don't see a ton of value in anything other than masculine people slash things they don't have any female friends they don't have any books about slash by women on their shelves they refer to any movie with a main character as of a female as a chick flick the kind of dude who voted third party because he didn't like hillary clinton but

couldn't figure out couldn't quite put his finger on why because you don't think of her as a whole person chad that's why unquote so fucking funny and so true and so common sis snap she did i mean like i know so many guys like that it's like how can you how can you hold so much value in your mother who deserves to hold that value but not also value other women as like why don't you see how come your mom is the only woman you see as a human right and it's because she gave birth to him uh-huh great you mean that dudes come from girls hold on wait wait this period that i'm super grossed out by all the time it's the reason i'm here

but those vaginas are kind of cool yo dog did you hear that dudes come from vaginas i heard this crazy thing the other day i thought they were gross except for when i have sex with them but and that's if i ever get the opportunity to well there's this like there's this twitter trend right now about like how men always say that women are soft or like emotional throw a game controller when they lose their video game like it's really okay that you're emotional but stop acting like you're fucking not like what i don't understand this whole thing about men like thinking you know like not having holding any respect for women what is that what century are you living in i think another like i think the biggest identifier of like

noticing a man who doesn't like or hates women is men who say the word female oh i hate when men men who say female that should be a hate crime right you are now a domestic terrorist i don't know where that comes from it feels very pop culture females like yeah should we start calling them males males it doesn't hit us hard no it doesn't males ew no what would what would hurt um or what would be degrading soft boy yeah our common soft boy soft boy soft boy i don't know um uh i don't know there's really nothing you remember that tweet that i think i i oh i sent it to you this girl said that like

um she was like i had sex with this guy and after he came she said like she didn't come and he was like yeah the let me say the orgasm gap is crazy my jaw dropped reading that yeah dog the orgasm gap is crazy no i was i was not bringing it up to have a discussion i was bringing it up to tell you i did not come yeah can you do something about it help the orgasm gap i was shook and then everybody in the comments was like shaming her yeah they're like it's your fault i was like it's not i commented on one of them i was like the man said it's her fault that he couldn't make her help i wish that he fought at that point you're victim blaming my favorite thing in the world

is when you start fights on twitter and i jump in like sometimes i just tag amelia in i'm like hey girl you want to get in on this and then i just end up fighting with these people it's usually it's usually trump supporters yeah but i would love to fight with a misogynist i'm locked and loaded i wouldn't be uh i don't think that it would be far off to say that a misogynist is probably a trump supporter we could probably fight with them about both things yeah tell me next time you know it's like i i always uh notice my my blood pressure rising whenever you tag me in these things oh my eyes start shaking because i'm mad i'm like i can't handle this by myself i need i keep thinking of um have you seen glow i saw the pilot but that's it um i think that we would

be a wrestling duo do you want to be become a pro wrestler with me we would should we do it That would be so fun. What would our wrestling duo name be? Sugar and Spice. Yes. Who's fucking Spice and who's fucking Sugar? We switch, and that's why. Switching the sheets?

Yeah. Brat in the streets, switching the sheets. Switching the ring. Switching the ring, yeah. I say I would like to be a switch in the sheets, but I'm still in sub-la-la-ling. Permanently in subspace. Riding this wave right now.

so are you drinking am i the only one that's no i am drinking okay i'm drinking pink wine nice as zoe de chanel would say pink wine is it just rose yeah because pink wine makes me slutty did you say that on new year's yeah yeah pink wine makes me so that i've i seriously i feel like i am like single i could single-handedly keep truly alive i buy so much fucking truly i was a white claw bb for a while but now it's it's shifted i want to like truly i just they hurt my stomach i've heard that a lot from a lot of people i think it's because they're more sugary but yeah i've just been really i feel like all that's coursing through my veins now is truly since quarantine started and i would say so like the shitty white claws

i can still drink them but the shitty truly is i cannot drink you know shitty truly isn't like i can't remember the flavors that i thought were atrocious i know i got two i got um blueberry and acai here that's my personal healthiest fuck i know i'm getting my antioxidants on baby take that psychiatrist i feel like this is slowly turning into just a podcast he's awful if anybody wants to know to stay away from sliding my dms I love genre that was beautiful thanks thank you wow oh my god that's one of my favorite things is to have like a fake like east coast accent where I'm just like oh my oh my god um when my

when the guy i'm dating no what if he like does if he like carry something for me or like picks me up i'm like oh my god you're so tall you're so strong wow you sound like the mom in bob's burgers linda i'm like a budget fran dresser you're so strong that's gonna be the name of the episode i'll be like do you want me to carry this for you and instead of being like no i'm an independent lady i'm like yeah actually and then i'll carry it i'm like oh my god he's so strong

he's so strong oh he got so many muscles wow wow i've always felt like linda like i want to be like that as a as a parent like linda linda belcher yeah which is that that guy takes her to that island and then she's like headbutts him and he's like ow did you just headbutt me and she's like Yeah, I would have slapped you, but I'm holding wine. I'm not going to put the wine down just to slap a man. Ladies, why slap a man when you could headbutt him? Never put your wine down for a man. Bonk.

Just bonk him in the head with your head. I just had that Rihanna song, Skin, play in my head. Which one? Feel your skin, baby, on my skin. but if it's feel your head maybe on my head no heels no shirt no helmet all i'm in is my head oh oh okay i gotta tell you a story you're gonna cry okay you're ready to cry some more okay so i was when i was like i stayed the night with like the guy i'm seeing

and i don't remember which of my friends used to do this but they would make like sex sounds and then they i'm just gonna do it for you okay maybe like uh uh i'm gonna fart wait what does this have to do with what you're saying i said that i like told him about that and then i did it and we just did it for you i got like really into it and then i was like i'm gonna fart and then i like started cackling at my own joke and then like after i was done laughing i started drinking water and then he said something like I realized his windows were open oh my god I can't remember what he said oh no he he did it himself and the way he did it was like just like really

low-key but I I did a spit take and I spit the water everywhere but the funny part is just like i'm gonna fart in what circumstance would they be doing this i don't know that it's so funny so fucking funny have you ever had to fart during sex never i've never had that experience i feel like i get it i get i sort out my biology before i have sex most of the time now that i say can you plan when your farts are gonna happen yeah can you no plan when my i mean probably a little air out i pride myself on my fart control like uh the comedian tried to tell me like when we were still dating he was like you farted in front of me i'm like no i know for a fucking fact that i haven't because i put a lot of energy into

not yeah i i can generally contain my yeah my gas but it's a skill yeah i don't think men can it's hard for me to hold my like if I this is TMI now but have you ever had to fart at the gym like when you're working out yes it's so hard sometimes like I'll wake up and my stomach will be a little gurgly especially if I like was drinking the night before so yeah there's been a few occasions where I'm just like clenching everything yeah I'm like that's the real ab workout he's trying not to fart in this workout and no one liked it i was like this is gold i didn't like it i don't know i liked it in my heart um justin was like this is a good tweet and then i retweeted it i just ended up deleting this tweet but i retweeted it and i was like

you think i got these abs by farting no i'm holding them in i actually i don't eat i'm just full of farts it's the new photosynthesizing ladies stop eating and stop farting just hold them all it's the hollywood diet i had a personal trainer for a while who um we it was like a like a private gym it was just me and him in there and he was i should probably talk about my personal trainer because he was i stopped going in because he made me so uncomfortable but whenever i had to fart i really had to focus on holding it in because like it was just him and i in there so like if we smelled something and it wasn't him you know it

was me there's farts are hilarious they're so funny i am a 12 year old boy and farts are so funny they are but people are so like no it wasn't me that's not feminine own up to it everyone does it yeah ladies you out there farting own up to your farts bitch i know when you're laying in bed before you go to sleep that you're farting up those sheets we know giving yourself a death pull him over your guy's head own it ladies make him breathe it in fart in the sheets and dutch oven your man yes make him breathe your farts show him what he's working with if you're not farting directly into your man's mouth what are you doing are you even living is he really even your man it took me years to fart around my ex years but i was also very

insecure around him for the first like third of our relationship but then once once we broke through that barrier that it's empowering my ex would wait until i left to poop and i was like we're talking about marriage you couldn't shit in front of me i love a good poop oh god i could talk about pooping all day i really truly it's so relaxing it is even when it's painful yeah at the end you're like god we did it i have ibs too so i shit every like five days like oh no i know isn't that a nightmare that sounds awful anxiety baby i got ibsc as a result of my anxiety disorder and every time i shit it's a whole event i have to tell everybody around me my parents are so sick of hearing about my shit i just want to talk about it i'm like i just had the best

fucking shit like can i like read you my journal entry about it call me jane austen yeah the jane austen of shits that's another good title the jane austen of shits oh my god the jane austen of pooping she'd be so proud to know she's she's like she's having yeah she's up and having like god fucking damn like pride and prejudice and this is how i'm remembered she's like i didn't write all this just for these two dumb ass girls getting getting drunk talking about pooping bars poop welcome to the podcast hosted by two 12 year old boys

boobs are cool that's gonna be our new intro boobs are cool whoa look at those boobs that's what i say before i get in the shower in the mirror to yourself yeah just knock them around jump up and down let them smack me in my face yeah that would be so painful oh you know what i had a conversation that just reminded me i had a conversation with some of my my male friends and asked them if they were a woman for a day what would they do

you ask them that uh-huh so i want to ask you if you were a man for a day what would you do um i would police women on twitter if i were a man for a day and let's say all my social media handles changed um i would for sure be on twitter saying shit that i say now and then everyone would clap it would be the difference isn't that sad yeah um i would immediately ask for a promotion um i would also jerk off hell yeah i want to know what having a penis feels like yeah i want to know what it's like to orgasm with it with a pp amen that's that was the person that i said mine are like i'm sure men also want to know what it's like to have a clit oh yeah it's amazing well a lot of the answers

that i get from when i talk to guys about this they say like i want to have boobs and just like play around with them all day i'm like what do you think yeah what do you think it's like they are they're not they're sensitive yeah it's not they're not like fun little like squishy toys like no i do love laying down when i'm watching tv i'll like just kind of get a handful of myself you know what i mean yeah it's kind of comforting but they do that with their dicks i've seen guys just watching tv with their hands down their pants it's the same fucking thing and like other than that it feels good when there's like warmth here right right i mean like it's cool if your peepee is warm the rest of you is warm yes low-key maybe i don't know maybe there's a lot of blood

down there there is well and there's a lot of blood in here what's dope about boobs is that they can like feed and sustain a life yeah that's fucking dope but other than that like what are gonna do you can't have a second dick has never sustained me bitch that's so funny i think if i was a guy for 24 hours i would drive for uber and not be worried about my life i just want to know what it's like i just want to make some money driving around and not have to worry about like having you know getting fucking i don't know i've talked to a lot of my female uber drivers like how do you keep yourself safe because it's like you don't like they probably have to think about that so much more than i mean i know that men have to worry about like weirdos getting in their car

but like at a much lower rate i would also walk around at night by myself and not be scared yeah and not feel like that's such a good point yeah yeah what would it be like to walk around and not be worried about your safety i cannot go outside at night without having my noon light open like i have to have it it's just like even if it's like even in kirkland people used to give me shit about i don't talk about it anymore but like there have been break-ins in my neighborhood in kirkland like very aggressive taking ladders to get up to our our yeah it's it's bad that's fucking kirkland washington and that's it's happening everywhere and so like sometimes um i'll like i hate that so much i'll have to take my garbage out at night like in the middle

of the night and i'm like i don't know who the fuck is i don't know you just don't know lurking yeah because there's so many crazy people like hiding under your car waiting to like slash your ankles or like exactly you hear about this shit all the time do you remember hearing about the guy who was like in scuba gear in a port-a-potty no yeah sitting in the toilet uh-huh shut the front door yeah when i let me look it up ew what the fuck yeah to watch people like go to the bathroom on top of him he was in scuba particularly oh my god oh that's the grossest thing i've ever heard i know he wants to say do you know how fucked up you have to be yeah you have to be very very fucked up yeah let's look at that makes me so sad

oh oh my god oh god he looks like the kind of person who'd be in a port-a-potty luke crisco boulders port-a-potty peeper he will represent himself in court that's how you know they're that's how you know ted bundy yep um he'll represent himself in court what the fuck is he what does he have to say for himself port-a-potties is there a picture of him yeah oh i have to see what he looks like okay guess what he looks like first um he's white for sure yep he um how old do you think he is like mid-20s i think i said oh i didn't say how old he was is he mid-20s oh is he a grown-ass man is he in his 60s no okay he's 30 okay yeah that's yeah you know you're like existential crisis really starts to set in and you're

his saturn return did not go well that's exactly what i expected him to look like yep just like a skinny man with no upper lip skinny white man for sure hasn't showered in forever but like of course he hasn't he wanted to keep this stench on i the the speed at which i exit porta potties like they're the worst place to be well and then this has to be one of the porta potties that's in the ground right right like a camping porta potty or how else would you get in there i mean they're pretty like i guess they would have to be very very deep to not see him but also people go to great lengths to not look into a porta potty before they go because it's not like they have to check if anyone's flushed you know like or if someone's

fucking in there that is oh you just made me feel so yucky i don't like it at all oh um can you imagine dating someone and finding out that they they do this shit what the fuck oh no it just he was hiding in a toilet at a yoga festival a yoga festival authorities say suspect fled the toilet covered in human waste oh my god wait liz oh that reminds me i read this i wish you guys could see my face right now because i have no idea what amelia is about to tell i'm so i watched this tiktok of this girl telling the story you know how people tell stories and it's like auto-tuned you know that like trend yeah this girl was telling this story about how um her friend went on a date with a guy and he cooked her dinner and it was great

and he was perfect and amazing and then he um like after they ate dinner i can't even this is like after they ate dinner she started to feel like sick and she was like about she like was feeling like a storm of ruin you know and she was like i have to shit and she said like where's your bathroom and he was like oh no I have to go clean up in there hold on and he like ran off to the bathroom and he was in there for long enough for her to shit herself and he came out and he was like did you shit yourself and she was like yeah and he was like she's like I'm so embarrassed I'm so sorry like I don't know what happened like this has never happened and he was like oh my god don't be embarrassed totally fine like I put a towel in there for you like why don't you go take a shower

and like give me your clothes and I'll wash them and so she everything that you're telling me right now oh my god so she goes and washes her clothes or she like goes and takes a shower and hands him her clothes to get washed and he she is she turns the shower off and he's like hey like are you all clean like are you feeling better and she's like yeah thank you so much and opens the door and he's standing there covered in her shit what the fuck she wiped her shit all over him that's so much worse than what i was thinking so i was like oh maybe he set up a camera in the shower so he 100% gave her a laxative so she shit herself because he had this fetish of like rubbing shit you cannot subject people to your fetish without their fucking consent she shit herself on this

date oh my god that is a literal goddamn nightmare i don't know what the fuck i would do if i if i open the door and saw someone covered in my shit i would be like i'm not making out of here alive that would be my first thought i'm like i'm going to die in here that would 100% be my thought oh my god i know he comes out and he's just like did you shit yourself yeah i if he was in the bathroom that long i would leave yeah i wouldn't even stay no i would probably just go and shit in the bushes or something yeah while waiting yeah i would just go outside 100 if i was like i can't do this i can't especially with in there for a long time if i knew it was happening i would just go i would find a way to go and shit somewhere else

100 i wouldn't even if he was like oh it's a mess in there i'd be like no yeah yeah i don't care if it's a mess in there let me shit in your bathroom but also when it's a first date it's like oh like okay i'll just wait you know if i if i shit myself i would leave if he was like if a guy came out and he was like did you shit yourself and i had shit myself i'd be like why does he know this yeah he he planned the whole thing isn't that fucked up oh my god so i have a fucking crazy story it's not mine it's my friend's story but it's it's all over the place so i'm gonna tell you the story the way i experienced it we didn't know it was gonna be good um so i so a girl i knew in college uh was seeing this guy like they were hooking up

and they liked each other but um she really liked him and you know how college boys be yeah it doesn't matter if they want to be with you they mostly want to be a dumbass they want to they want to be with you but they mostly want to be in you they're like listen i need to go be a fucking 21 year old idiot god which is fair yeah don't do it yeah be a 21 year old 21 year old idiot right now because i never did when i was 21 it's it's a good time okay so anyways she really liked this guy and then i remember her being like liz i i think i don't think i'm like the only girl he's seeing and then that's back when snapchat had like top three and everybody's snapchatting or they had like your best friends or whatever on snapchat

oh yeah that got a lot so she was like i'm number one but who the fuck is this bitch and then the the lengths we would go to to that's how you knew when people were fucking to snapchat best friends yeah 100 so she was like yep there's this other girl on there and then um so that was always in the back of her mind and you know how crazy you are when you're like 21 i'm crazy at 27 um just like that insecurity especially in college so uh she he like comes over and he's like i have to i have to talk to you and then she's like girl it gets crazy he's like i have to talk to you and she's like okay what's it about and he's like i don't know how to tell you this and she was like you're dating another person and he was

like that's a good place to start shut the fuck up uh-huh and then um wait how long were they dating at this point um i think that they had been like talking and hooking up for maybe like a couple of months i don't know i honestly have no idea what i guess the time frame doesn't even fucking matter because it's fucked up either way but i just wanted to get a gauge okay well and they they never had a conversation where they're like this is going to be exclusive and you know when you're in college you're like every unless you have that conversation anyone can do whatever they want and it's not like now where you're like i really like this person i think i just won't talk to other people because like it would just be fake yeah anyways um he's like that's a

good place to start and he's like so i've been hooking up with another girl and she just called me to tell me that she has herpes amelia just put both her hands on her head were they having unprotected sex at this point uh-huh shut the fuck up yeah i think everyone involved was having unprotected sex what the fuck what the fuck yep and i was like bitch why don't you use a condom so um so cry i know it girl this this story is a roller coaster so buckle up okay so uh she's like she's like okay like what does this mean and um I like she told me when I was in the middle of class she like texted me and I didn't pay attention in class because I was like oh my god yeah so I spent the entire class looking up symptoms of herpes this is why I know so much about herpes

is because I was like oh fuck so I like looked up all the symptoms of herpes and I was like I mean if he didn't have an outbreak when he hooked up with you and he hasn't had an outbreak it's probably pretty unlikely that you have it in the first place yeah and then um and then i was like it's hard to get but it's easy to get yeah so many people have herpes i know and um a lot also a lot of people are asymptomatic they're just never i didn't know that until recently yeah so many people are asymptomatic so um and in america it's it's like stigmatized but in other countries they treat it as just like it's like a skin thing yeah they don't treat it as the and it's because of marketing it's the same reason like women are ashamed of their body hair and cellulite

it's all about marketing yeah exactly you weren't made to feel bad about this thing or notice it until like marketing made you feel bad about it yep you need to stop meowing at me my guy i'm in the thick of this story so i was just helping her like i was like well what is this what is this girl's symptoms like how do you know and then like apparently like onset symptoms of herpes is similar to a cold so you get like a fever and a runny nose and a sore throat what the how the fuck are we supposed to know dude i don't know i get a sore throat i get a lot of those things if i just don't get enough sleep yo so she like those were her symptoms and then i was like well because i was like wait did she have like an outbreak or something

because everything i was reading i was like the first like when you have herpes like when you contract it most of the time you have a really bad outbreak at first and um like like your first outbreak is the worst that's what this information is saying across the board and i was like you would have been able to tell if if he had an outbreak or like or even because it start also starts as one like small little i think it's called like a pock or something um and i was like i think he would know i don't know and i think the incubation period is like two weeks yeah so it's a while and yeah i know it's out there with coronavirus yeah right seriously two weeks is a long ass time to be spreading shit so i'm like i'm like

learning all this shit about herpes to try and be helpful and then um so then like he goes to get tested and then you have to do a like a blood test basically to find out if you have herpes i'm pretty sure and so like they're like uh have you like or like why are you getting tested for this and he's like i had unprotected sex with someone who has herpes and then they're like have you had any symptoms and he says no and they test him because most places won't test you if you don't have any symptoms that makes sense yeah so they test him and it comes back negative and then um the girl i went to college with like didn't get tested at all because his came back negative and then she like she went to the doctor and then they were like well we don't think we should test

you for this like if he came back negative like it it's not worth like worrying about so then fucking hell so then like a year something goes by and he sees the other girl the snapchat girl and she confesses to him she made up the entire thing because for what she could tell that he liked my friend and was like she knew he was seeing someone else and she thought if she if they both had herpes they could just be together and have herpes together what the fuck what the fuck i know isn't that fucking insane and then he like when he got tested like they couldn't put it he didn't want like that's when you're still in your parents insurance you don't want them to know so have to pay out of pocket and that's just expensive when you're in college how twisted

do you have to be i know fucking crazy why does your mind go there like i'm gonna it's like of all of the things too i'm gonna convince this guy to be with me like bitch you're having unprotected sex about herpes herpes is a stretch because we've all heard about people like pretending they were pregnant i was just about to say like to try to lock someone in yeah of which things would you think we're just gonna be together for forever because we both have herpes that's the weirdest that is fucking bizarre fucking psychopath i don't like it i don't like that at all if you have to try and trap someone into being with you probably not the person you should not be with them damn no that is a that what a what a wild tale i am very appreciative that i learned so

much about stds and herpes because of that scenario yeah i um i have not once had unprotected sex since being out of my relationship you know yeah i'm just so afraid of stds like they like you've never had a condom broke i've had it with my ex yeah all constantly but then we stopped using condoms because we were just we were monogamous they constantly broke all the time i don't know how did they break size it was literally liz like i guess i don't know every other time it would break yeah what were y'all doing nothing too wild i mean maybe who knows i don't know but like maybe he was just using the wrong size i don't know but we stopped using condoms after a while because i got an iud and like we were only what brand were you using trojan should have tried

durex this episode is sponsored by durex durex condoms they don't break as much as trojan but they do still break we're gonna get sued by both trojan and durex hey a condom breaks okay i i feel like it's buyer beware you know you use it at your own risk it will protect you from stds it's more effective in protecting you from contracting stds than it is from preventing pregnancy yeah totally i was mostly concerned we were using condoms for a while because i was on the pill and i can't remember to do shit i can't remember to eat literally so i can't remember to take a pill and then um when i got an iud we just started having unprotected sex because just because we were together for so long you know but like when him and i broke up like i started having

unprotected or not unprotected i started having sex with people that i had never had sex with before so i've i've exclusively used condoms do you ever bring your own byoc no i should and this but my gynecologist was like you need to buy your own condoms but i just haven't ever run into a situation where i've needed to have my own yeah like whenever people would come over they just he would he would always have a condom so i didn't think about a few weeks ago i was at um like i was at a pharmacy like buying a bunch of like just shit i needed like toiletry type stuff and i was about to buy a box of condoms and I texted Amelia and I was like should I buy the 12 pack or the 24 pack and she said 24 and then the next text she just continued the conversation we were having

previously it was so funny she like didn't even stop to talk like she wasn't like what are you doing like she told me to get the big box just moved on with the combo that's how our conversations if this podcast has been indicative of anything it's that we yeah uh we need sponsors we need condom sponsors i'm just a big durex fan okay i'll stand by that uh we need to be sponsored by condoms and lube we could we would be the best lube is a life changer actually life changer and that actually reminds me speaking of condoms and lube um when i moved into my dorm freshman year my mom being italian and always worrying about me she gave me like a whole box of um toiletries and in there she put two condoms and shout out to dabs she's a real one but my mom would never

she was just like i just put two she's all she's so fucking she's the best but she um they were condoms that uh she didn't know because i wasn't opening up to her about my sex life she didn't know if i was allergic to latex so she put um flam skin condoms in there and they are not lubricated oh no yeah um actual hell like that condoms without lube are the fucking worst it sounds like a bad time for everyone it was awful and it was yeah for everyone involved it was it was very painful i mean it was nice to have a car it was nice when we needed there was an emergency and we needed a condom better than no condom you're like yeah spitting my vagina is spitting dust a little puff a dust puff comes out but i feel bad for people that are allergic to latex

because they have to worry about also having lube on hand because i didn't realize that they weren't lubricated who would have thought even a little extra is nice well because i feel like the lube rubs off yeah they do on a condom yeah i said they do they do that lube they do they be leaving they be leaving so it's like when you're like you know switching around and stuff which you should i mean i don't want to tell you what to do with the sex you're doing if you like to be in one position the whole time and never exit fully that's that's on you but if you're if it's that's what you want and i'm happy for you but if you if it's spicy in the bedroom and you're moving around a lot yeah you you can meet a friend you gotta need a little bit of extra

lubrication a little helpy help lubrication i i feel like when um like i'll like i'll be having sex for a long time in an evening um and i start to like the the condom loses lube and like naturally like we lose natural lubrication after a while just because of the friction yeah but i'm still horny you know it's like i think that a lot of guys that i've had sex with have been like oh like you're not you're not wet anymore and it's like well i'm still enjoying it it's not indicative of if it's not like you going soft it's not the same thing you know like i just i'm just it the friction the friction causes a little bit of dryness there's a stigma around women like losing like natural lubrication yeah like you should just be like wet all the time

right like how men are need to be like hard all the time i feel like it gets i don't know if it's like this for you but i feel like the like wow it it gets like balled up kind of yeah what is that like i don't know um my ex called that um vagina debris which is exactly what it is yeah there there totally is a stigma and it do you remember that scene in super bad when like evan he's like yeah i have a condom and this also a bottle of like spermicidal lube and he's like what the fuck are you a serial killer and he's like these girls are teenagers like they're ready to go they don't need a bottle of lube or something like that it's been so long since i've seen the movie but like that's the i watched i've seen it so many fucking times but it's it's true it's yeah

so accurate yeah of just like well and that's such a weird stigma like that like women are always going to be like wet whenever they're horny i just want to we're setting the record straight no like that is not the case even when i'm incredibly turned on i'll still dry up a little bit well the friction it's like we don't it's like even if we're turned on like it's just it kind of rubs it dry you know like i don't know like this person that i've been hooking up with that i'm obsessed with having sex with is incredible and i'm always having a good time and i'm always turned on just like a real nice dick he's it's like i now i feel like it's the moves you know i'm sure his dick is nice his dick is incredible but it is he does with it it is the

moves and it's like he's just very sexy and he and i'm very turned on when i'm around him consistently and like what does he like do that turns you on i don't know he just how he operates is really sexy like he just like how how he like this is stupid and and kind of like a micro thing but like i love micro things how he grabs my head yeah when i don't think that's stupid at all it's i'm sliding off the couch i'm just like there's something about how we like so even just like the way someone looks at you it's the little shit well sometimes like it's all the before and i'm like you tweeted once before you and i were super close you tweeted about like the few seconds before you kiss someone like how they're just kind of like talking nonsense i fucking live for that

i live for it like and with this guy like i'll he'll be talking and i'll just like go in and he just kind of starts like chilling off what he's talking about and i'm just like okay i have a question for you do you ever can you ever smell someone's pheromones yeah um or like it's all it's like a combination of taste and smell it's not just one thing yes it's like okay there's something i mean there's a like a biological there's an actual biological component of that like so when i like the first time i kissed the guy that i have been seeing he is the first person i've like experienced that with in so long wow where i've been able to like god i don't even know how to explain this like sense of like the the taste and smell combination

it's so weird yeah but i hadn't i haven't i hadn't really experienced it in so long so i was in a um monogamous relationship when i went to study in italy and monogamous relationship monogamous before monogamy monogamy it's like it's like the hustle but it's monogamy it's monogamy do the do the monogamy it's been on me i'm never gonna be able to hear that song ever again oh my god that's so funny i'm crying real

tears um but anyway so when i was about to study in italy i had to do a full physical before i went and when i was in line at the airport i got a call from my doctor who um she's a family friend And she's the one that does my pap smears, if you listened to the last episode. Pap smear. She calls herself my aunt. She's the best. But English is her second language. And she pap smears.

She's Chinese. And she left me a voicemail because she called me at the exact moment that my phone was going through the x-ray. Of course. And her voicemail was like, hello, I have some news about your pap smear. You have gonorrhea. Yeah. and um i'm listening to this voicemail and like all i just all of the blood went out of my face i was like oh i'm going to fucking kill him because like we were only having sex with each

other and i had gotten tested before we started exclusively having sex with each other so he gave me something and she was like so this is what your pap smear said like you have gonorrhea and she went through this whole like two minute voicemail and i was about to leave the airport fully I was like I am going to I'm going to go castray him um at the end of the voicemail she circles back and she was like oh have I been saying gonorrhea this whole time I met gonorrheal something or other which is just a yeast infection she's like sorry I was reading your charts wrong like you just have a yeast infection oh my god what an emotional roller coaster in a voicemail I was and she like correct yourself she was like oh and like she's very very professional as a

doctor but because she's a family friend we like have this kind of relationship where she can like laugh on her voicemails to me but i was she didn't even she wasn't even like i'll re-record but no yeah she's like press the star to re-record no she was just like oh just kidding like you actually just have a yeast infection i freaked the fuck out wait how did you not know you had a yeast infection i wasn't itchy yet i got itchy when i was in italy and i have had multiple yeast infections since because apparently it's very easy to get yeast infections after you get one this leads perfectly into a story i want to tell you about a yeast infection i had so oh god like yeah so i just had i mean i think a lot of women have had a yeast infection like yeah you

don't even have to have sex to get a yeast infection it's so easy to get infections yeah did you have more sugar that day you got a yeast infection now sis it's a yeast you're gonna be itchy and no amount of scratching will help no you're just gonna hate life and monistal will fuck your shit up girl that's also a perfect lead-in so I like had woken up and I like I was just so uncomfortable and I knew I had a yeast infection and um that's when I worked in retail and I just I only had my one day off and like if you've ever bought monostat there there's like the three day and the five day and blah blah blah but and like if you get the ones that are like five or seven day it's obviously a smaller dosage each day over time intense yeah and then

i was like well i only have the one day off and i don't want to be like shoving this weird egg into my vagina for the next seven days so i got the monostat one day and that shit should be illegal that shit hurts it was the most pain i've ever been in i had an allergic reaction to it and my vagina swole up like a balloon no it looked like a balloon animal no i'm not joking i like i would i like took a nap and i woke up and i was in so much pain it was worse than having a yeast infection got a little hand mirror out took a peek got a balloon animal yep oh my god and i was just like this is miserable and like luckily i had like a sick day saved up and i was like so i like called uh my job and like got someone to fill in for me at the very last second i was like i

cannot come in like i'm in so much pain and like later i worked with women so i just explained what happened to them they're like fuck that sounds miserable and i was just like in so much pain and luckily I had or no I so like the next day I was like I have to go to urgent care I woke up at like I think I the pain got worse and worse and I got more and more swollen up and I like went to the urgent care like right by my house and I like the moment it opened at like 6 a.m. or something and then the doctor there I was like I had a yeast infection and I like tried to treat it with monistat one day which is like after i i i was in so much pain and after i used it i started reading reviews and like everything i'm experiencing is exactly like this like i totally should have

looked at first the amazon reviews for monistat one day are hilarious it was making me get like i was getting through the day reading them so but anyways i'm telling this doctor who's a man um about like my symptoms and just like what i was experiencing and i was like um i was like yeah I've just swollen up like a balloon and then um obviously he had to like look at it and then uh he was like um I fucking hate this guy so god damn much he was like uh are you he's like are you having sex and I was like yeah and he was like um with how many partners and I was like oh just my boyfriend and he's like how long have you been together and I was like six months and he was like well you don't know where he's been and he was like trying to slut shame me

fucking kidding me no and and this is in las vegas and like i had experiences like this all the time in vegas so he's like trying to slut shame me and he was like um when was last time you got tested and i i had like i had gotten tested before i had like started dating this guy and then um i was like he tried to convince me that i had something else he was like well maybe um this medication triggered like uh an underlying issue and i was like so you he tried to convince me i had aids amelia because he gets a cut of doing of providing an aids test so he was trying to convince me to have this aids test he saw he was like preying on me for an opportunity i did i i did do a bunch of std tests after that because i was like freaked out yeah i was like i mean

maybe and i was like just test me for the common ones because i was like maybe i'm maybe i like mistreated like bacterial vaginosis maybe i mistreated like something else that i didn't know about because like chlamydia doesn't show symptoms in women like i don't think gonorrhea does either like there's just so many stds that don't show symptoms the majority of them yeah so i was like i mean i guess like my insurance will cover it so i might as well so i like let him do like the typical tests and then all those came back negative and then he motherfucker tried to convince me i had aids and he's like well i don't have the test at this facility so you can visit me in another one and i'll do the test for you tomorrow and it was expensive as fuck and then

he was like providing me a bunch of different prescriptions and i was like it's a yeast infection sir there's a pill you take like it's so it's just a one day pill but you blowing up like that was so it was very obviously tied to monistat yeah so then i was like i was like i do i went home obviously freaked me out and i learned from my herpes research how to like research stds and i like did all my research on aids and i was like it would be so fucking hard for me to get aids yeah especially in vegas i don't know i was just like i don't have aids are you fucking kidding me yeah i don't have any symptoms even my yeah and even my um my reaction was not aligned with anything that had to do with aids it's so true that they get a cut of this shit yeah yeah

if if a if a doctor especially like some kind of urgent care doctor is like pressuring you to do something it's most likely because they get a cut of whatever they're trying to sell you yeah and it's fucked up i know it's super fucked up it's disgusting it's like you go to school for all this time i was enraged that he even suggested that and like to also say like you don't know where he's been it's like no i'm pretty sure i fucking do and then i um yeah so then i like i i was pissed and i was like so as a doctor you don't think that i've never had any problem like this before and this medication is commonly known for causing these issues and i used it you don't think that that would have caused this reaction yeah i used this product point a to b i had this reaction

yeah you don't think they're related and he was like well they might be and i was like they absolutely are you dumb this is like the easiest that i don't need phd to fucking tell you this i hope he gets chlamydia and then the nurse was like he's so smart and i was like is he yeah i think i said that too i was like i was like is he do you really think that that's so fucking frustrating and it's so i was baby liz at that point like i would like i'm proud of myself then for being kind of a bitch about it and being like so in your professional opinion you don't think like this series of events is connected in any way and sorry I said series oh yeah I was like you don't think this is connected in any way he's like well maybe

I'm like you fucking know it is so ever since then I did telehealth because I was like fuck off I'm not wasting my time talking about another dumb ass man trying to tell me what's going on with my vagina i was oh god like so like yeah baby liz popping off on a doctor like now i would absolutely be a little bit more collected and be like you are not pressuring me into making like taking this test because you you get a cut of it yeah and i was like this is an obscene suggestion yeah that's absolutely ridiculous especially because you spent so much time reading the reviews yeah and i think you know that this is a common reaction exactly yeah i i don't know it it infuriates me that like someone who does not have a vagina is trying to tell me

some absurd theory it is all about money and it always will be yeah it's so fucked up and to take care of a yeast infection he wasted so much of my time and money and while i was in so much pain all he had to do was give me one little pill it's just the one just the one little guy and you take it and all your problems are solved but he needed to get that aids test money that aids test money monistat is really monistat fucked up dude fuck monistat recently i think that they recently because when i i used to take monistat three day consistently because i would always have yeast infections for whatever reason but i i took it that's problem with your butt your gut biome oh shit girl yeah okay take those probiotics i think drink that kombucha i just i i took it

recent i never had issues with monistat did you know your gut biome is responsible for 90 90 of your serotonin no yeah girl you gotta take care of that gut i know i need to i need to eat more yogurt or something they recently changed their um monistat the ingredients in monistat like they recently got what they change it i don't know oh it got worse worse because i used to be able to take three day like whatever and like recently i took it and i was like writhing in pain but i was like what the fuck is going on my vagina felt like it was on fire and i was reading the reviews and everyone's like they recently changed their formula jesus blah blah blah it's like okay well next time just do teledoc just do like a telehealth thing yeah because it's only

like it's cheaper than if you did it through insurance yeah or well your insurance covers it but it's cheaper than going into the office okay and just say i have a yeast infection and they'll be like are you like confident because and then you're like yeah and then i can't it's like called like it starts with a d and you just you just take the one pill they send the prescription you take the one little baby pillow and it's gone yeast infection pill d yeah oh diflucan i've taken diflucan so we've been trying to figure out how we want to wrap up these episodes because liz and i are the worst at it because we just always want to be talking to each other about things yeah well we would go on forever if we weren't recording yeah like

actually so so we're terrible at transitioning out of them so we're trying to make our transitions to end less jarring yeah so we figure we're gonna like just wrap up every episode with like what we're obsessed with for the week yeah um i'm ended on a high yeah i'm right now not right now just the past like three weeks I've been obsessed with Ashnikko and she was like we when we recorded I think it was episode three we like posted a video of us uh-huh uh-huh and who would have thunk that it's it would turn into what it has I listen to Ashnikko every time I need to pump myself up for shit she released a song Daisy like three weeks ago and Liz sent it to me and it has been every time I need to be amped for anything I listen to Daisy it's so good you guys so I

listened to i have a bratty playlist like it's like you know kind of like bdsm inspired but i had created this playlist like even before like um experimenting with kink so but i just renamed it to bratty because i was like that's what this is i have a title for it now yes but i had already made the cover of it a collar with like fur what you didn't even know yeah your heart of hearts oh my god yeah my heart was like i need someone to fuck me up i need someone to make me their sub uh no so i anyways but ash nico is a staple of my bratty playlist i believe it she makes the best fucking hype up music the best brat music the best like she just like it's it's just like yeah like feeling yourself but in like almost like a bitchy kind of way yes that's exactly right

yeah i don't so if you're on tiktok she's the artist that's behind stupid boy think that i need yeah i didn't realize that until like a week that song slaps it really does she's incredible she really is and she just doesn't give a single fuck and like i love that about her like i don't know just following her twitter is empowering in itself fucking obsessed with fashion nico that's my obsession for the week um what's yours what is mine that's such a good question um does it have to be like something i'm obsessed with or like something i'm just stoked about stoked about okay i'm super stoked about i'm having a self-care weekend with like the guy i'm seeing fuck yeah and i need it you guys i'm exhausted i was telling amelia before we started recording

that I've just like really fucking drained I'm spreading I've been spreading myself really thin the last few weeks um Liz has been literally all over the map yeah flying so much and it's been really draining to like like I care about this podcast so much and then like not having the time to make it a priority like makes me feel really bad like I feel really guilty but then I'm also like I shouldn't feel guilty for also trying to like fit my personal needs of like yeah I need to sleep and also like I have this I I'm really committed to working out like I'm not gonna stop giving like I'm not gonna give up balance for other things totally but it doesn't come without me not feeling really fucking guilty about it and isn't that I think it's kind of insane that

is just like as a result of capitalism like that's how we feel we're made to feel that way with like the 40 hour work week and like you have to constantly be busy and you can't make anyone upset and you have to follow you just have to be everything all the time and like it's it's draining as hell and everybody's on board with that being bullshit too but everybody sells into it yeah it's that's the thing but um i mean to hone it in on something specific super obsessed with the slippers you bought super obsessed oh wait no it'll come out so for the self-care weekend i and he'll yeah by the time this comes out he'll have known no or received this gift yeah we're staying at an airbnb and like we have all of these like just nice he planned the whole

fucking thing so romantic god i'm just so thankful he planned it too because i'm just like drained as hell and yeah we're like getting a pedicure which i haven't gotten a pedicure in years um a facial or i think we're doing our own i can't remember for sure um we're getting a massage and we're doing like one of those sensory deprivation things that's gonna be wild with the float those are expensive actually i looked it up they have like a first time float for like uh 35 bucks oh my god i was gonna say they're like a hundred dollars usually yeah they're pretty expensive i'm sure they're a little desperate for yeah so please come um yeah so we're gonna do that well because i remember he texted me it was like what do you think about a

sensory deprivation take i was like i'll either love it or i'll hate it you have to tell me how it goes because i thought you and i will probably react the same way to it i've been wanting to try it for a while uh because like i already like think so much when i'm just alone so i'm like what would i do in a separate sensory deprivation situation so it'll i'll either fucking love it or like i'll be really overwhelmed by my own thoughts um but those are just a few things and he was like well uh what what's like important self-care to you and i was like sleeping in so he planned one of the days around us sleeping in and i'm gonna make breakfast i'm just like stoked to just like relax and like we can enjoy everything together and yeah there's nothing outside i'm turning all

my notifications off i'll only be using my phone like because i have a few playlists that i made and so just like listen to music yeah it's gonna be so relaxing and it's it's not it's coming at the best time too totally you need this right now yeah and amelia is gonna be gone this weekend so when she comes back we'll be able to get back into our regular snap back into it i know yeah july was so crazy busy for both of us yeah so i think but that was a good lesson of like okay so how are we gonna plan ahead for when we're out and one of us is out of town in the future yeah so those are the things that amelia's obsessed with and i'm just generally stoked for this little break now i feel like my answer was so surface level no it wasn't at all for someone like i love

listening to music yeah it's so important ash nico's music has definitely like hit me in a different way yeah you guys should tell us what you're stoked about too i want to i want to celebrate good things with you yeah we both do we want to hear about happy things yeah tell tell us the stuff you want to celebrate we all need a little bit of happy oh you know what yeah let's call this a little bit um instead of like obsessions let's call it celebrations celebrations yeah we're celebrating this week yeah what are we celebrating this week okay what are we celebrating this week i love that yeah you guys tell us what you're celebrating too because i really love that idea yeah i i love i love when people tell me like something they're stoked about me too even

if it's random just like i'm fucking i'm living it's because we're really quick to um tell like want to talk about something that's not going well we don't talk about because when you talk about shit you want to celebrate it sometimes it feels like braggy yeah like you're boasting about it yeah dude brag your ass off to us please lean into the happy yeah um so our request from you guys please brag your ass off to us in our dms our handle on both twitter and instagram is at the holy hour and then our email is holy hour podcast at gmail.com so just brag your beautiful angelic faces off we want to hear what you're excited everywhere you can wow i'm really excited to hear what everyone's excited about now i'm hyped okay cool don't let us down we want to

hear it all right love you guys so much thank you for listening thank you love you love you that's actually is it just me or does that fucking slab did we just create a banger today in this studio we're gonna start a band now