The Hoely Hour - Genderslop

Episode Date: August 7, 2026

Is chivalry really dead? What even is "chivalry"? Liz and Amelia discuss "genderslop" content, the alleged romance recession, and give a listener some advice on moving in with their partner. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

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May slow when network is busy. See terms. amelia's getting a new iud yay which one are you getting i think the marina yeah i mean we're gonna start like classic thinking about potentially starting to maybe try to start having kids in like a couple of years so i'm just like what if you went for yeah what if i was gonna say what if you went for skyla i've had the marina this whole time so i'm wondering like is my uterus used to a bigger device so how it works because you can't get the marina not everyone can get a marina oh i didn't know the size so now i'm like have i because is the marina technically made for

uteruses that have given birth yes i mean that was how it was advertised to me but like all my friends with marinas have never given birth so yeah do you ever use a new ring no did you no don't you have to put in the fridge yeah i don't like that i don't want my coochie juice around my eggs it gets delivered every month and you have to put in the fridge yeah yeah coochie juice would be a good uh band name would it i don't know if i would want to listen to a podcast or not a a band called coochie juice i would listen to all of their songs if so if i had a band named coochie juice i think that our first album would have to be called cum guzzler

it's just a bunch of liquids no i'm quitting well we've missed y'all i've been sewing it's a sewing summer she's like killing it on sewing too i sewed some pants into shorts oh big deal uh and then i had a lot of shirts that like there's just something i'm like there's something about these not working and um i cut them all the length that i like in a shirt fuck yeah which is like a little bit of a crop but like a boxy crop like it doesn't show my stomach yeah you know it hits kind of like right at the hips hell yeah it's perfect what's stopping us from making our clothes exactly what we want them to be exactly nothing just a skill set is really all that's stopping us it's just fun to do something creative yeah again it's it is such a good feeling yeah

i've been painting birds like really dumb looking birds i love that that's been filling my soul a lot any any round birds they're all very round i'll show you them i think those are the best birds they are these birds these birds are not realistic like they're like very cartoony but i'm having so much fun because it's just like very low effort yeah when you get home send me pictures okay i took a picture actually to show you but it's on my phone that is recording video right now so i'll show you when we put the phone away um but yeah we're gonna be uh we'll figure out the details of this but we're also gonna be taking like a little bit of time off for the fall yeah lots of traveling lots of guests lots of yeah family visiting yeah i'm going to utah for

my first brand trip yeehaw yeehaw tell them about it best friends animal society the nation's largest no-kill shelter is uh invited me to their roadhouse in canab utah that's gonna be so fun i'm really excited amelia invited me but i'm already gonna be gone i'm so sad you can't go no it sounds like the best time it's gonna be a lot of fun it's gonna be your dream it is like severely like like inefficient to get to what's the word i'm looking for it's it is not in bumfuck egypt it just it just is hard to get to i have to take a flight into salt lake city and then take like a little puddle jumper plane into saint george and then take a 90 minute shuttle ride into canada but you know i kind of love that this place is like untouched by airport you know what i mean

like you know it's there's something about going to a place that's hard to get to that feels very magical but it's just the act of it is gonna be well okay when you visit your parents is it a direct flight yeah see with me and mr liz it's never a direct flight to visit our parents for both sets of parents correct that sucks yeah it's deeply inconvenient fuck i'm like can at least one of you move near a major airport at least mr liz's family is way closer to an airport how close like how long does it take um i would say it's like 30 to 45 minute drive not too bad that is not too bad yeah that feels like what every everywhere i've ever lived has been 30 to 40 minutes from an airport but i mean the fact you have to take a connecting flight is exactly i'm like i would

rather just take a direct flight literally anywhere every time i take any sort of connecting flight anywhere i miss it every time it's like it is now i feel like i was cursed as a baby do you book enough time between your layovers yes but for whatever reason it's always like a four hour delay or something it's it is like comical at this point so i'm really hoping that that is not the case i was gonna fly into vegas and then drive three hours into canab because apparently that drive is like an 11 out of 10 but um frank was uncomfortable with that i don't know well i mean driving around that like driving in vegas is easy yeah yeah i grew up there so like i i feel like the freeways they have a shit ton of room they're mostly straight like there's not a ton to look at

um i think it's super easy to drive frank was just like you're a pretty girl driving alone she he's like i would love it if you didn't do that you'd be fine and then also like all the other creators are taking the shuttle from st george so i was like maybe it's like a good bonding activity yeah so anyway it's gonna be a lot of fun i'm so i'm very excited it's gonna be a lot of fun text me updates oh i will hopefully i have service out there i don't even think about that but it's like near um well if you have a bunch of creators you have to have service that's true yeah it's in their best interest so that's very true for the listeners who don't know what gender slop is I actually the newsletter that I never shut up about garbage day they they referred

to it as gender slop and it's this format of content that I'm sure we're all familiar with where it is talking like addressing dating in some capacity where it's like what this article talks about is um sending a car like that's been kind of the viral gender slop topic among men and women is like is it normal or expected to send a car to pick up your date on a first date and everybody goes off in the comments um that's gender slop content are people are is anyone on the side of like yes you should always have a car sent i'm sure i'm sure there are people like i wouldn't be surprised who the fuck is this random person that's picking me up like hell no like an uber like sending an uber to pick you up oh i still wouldn't trust it i'm like right

yeah if you're the one ordering it how do i know this isn't like your creep friend or this is you you know what i mean i don't want to send someone my address before we've no pick me up in a car but i mean let me for the uber this is kind of all of the types of conversations that are happening in the comments and then like it'll be a post on threads where it's like is it an expectation you know the same gender slop over and over again where it's just kind of like talking about like men are from mars women are from venus or whatever um but this what the author of the newsletter points out is like this keeps popping up and it has been since 2023 but it's like especially popping up now and when he looked into it like the people

who are posting these videos um or like posting a tweet about this or whatever they when you go to their profile they are um like a dating coach or like a business owner revolved around dating or something or like a dating service which is honestly so brilliant unfortunately it's becoming more and more common where and i mean that's what the end of the the newsletter gets at um i'll just read the last uh paragraph there's been so much hand-wringing lately about dead internet theory that there are no human being left human beings left on social media and everyone we see is see posting is actually a bot but i think we've ended up in a different kind of dead internet one populated almost entirely by human beings who are also businesses that don't want us to

immediately clock that their business is and they definitely don't want us to notice that all of our infighting on social media is just free marketing for them but um damn well it's i feel like what this whole like ad culture and sponsored post culture has like become is like people are able to sniff these things out from a mile away they have to get start getting creative with promoting their products yeah which is sad and the whole have you seen the um comment blank and i'll send i'll dm you this yeah um that's also a service that makes sense i mean i think it's a paid service where they can set it up on the back end where if like you comment recipe they'll send you they'll dm you the recipe yeah but i mean that's also engagement bait so i mean

i'm sure everyone already knows this but like i feel the need to explain as a social media marketer like when there's more and more engagement on something it gets pushed to other people so now you have this fake engagement where everyone in the comments is commenting recipe or whatever and no real conversation is actually happening yeah and like ultimately like we're losing the picture that social media's purpose is community and it's like there's always a new way to erase the community aspect yeah of social media and that seems to be just the latest way it's happening it's really sad but that wasn't the original purpose of what I was what I was going to talk about but I was thinking a lot about just kind of this gender slop content and I was thinking a lot

about like the the panic around like younger generations dating this seems to be kind of like a common thing with every generation like oh they're dating they have dating apps and blah blah blah and they're freaking out and like we do see since there is so much gender slop content out there it does seem like oh my god we are in a romance recession or like it just seems like dating is hell for everyone but you don't see people you know posting like i have the best relationship ever here's all the great things about my relationship and i think if someone did post that like on reddit or something like the comments would be like well fuck you my sister died or something like that yeah very much like oh so you hate waffles yeah totally um but in

general i think like i don't think like this idea of purity culture is exclusive to conservatives or conservative women like i think purity is showing up in a lot of different ways like even in love island this season the way that they were talking about lustful they were saying lustful almost as a slur yeah like kenzie saying i'm not lustful meanwhile she's getting like finger blasted by every guy on the show yeah like what do you mean i and i also don't think lust is necessarily a bad thing like when did it become a bad like i i my favorite comment was like you might not be lustful but you sure are gluttonous damn which is hilarious but i just i also think like yeah the the like shaming people for being lustful like yeah what do you mean by that but

then also like we're seeing this show up in different ways like we're also seeing it show up in politics like you can see a lot of it in political rhetoric online especially among the left where it it's a lot of like holding every single person to like perfection standards when you're not perfect yourself you know like no one's perfect the inability to allow people to have some opinions that you disagree with like you know what i mean yes yeah and these are the same people who also like welcome marjorie taylor green and tucker carlson with open arms anytime they say one thing that they agree with yeah so if you're gonna sit here and allow conservatives to change their minds about things then you certainly need to allow other democrats and

leftists and socialists to change their minds about things and change their behaviors yeah this yahoo article which is you know not necessarily the um source yeah the best source it says want to impress gen z women on a date you'll have to open the front door for her so this whole article kind of like it's explaining how basically like gen z women are have old school dating expectations of like the 50s which their own data kind of contradicts they they like i said the big conversation is like fellas should you send a car to your first date to pick her up yeah and that doesn't seem to be something anyone's expecting thank god like literally like women aren't expecting that men don't want to do it yeah like there's just a lot

of reasons to not do that and it's not even in this poll even though they talk about it oh interesting but they they sent out a poll to uh 1200 people and they're all aged between 18 and 44 so i i think this goes without saying that's also millennials yeah gen z and millennials right but um women say like they want someone who a man who is chivalrous and i think like what does chivalry even mean to you like like opening doors for you and like pulling your chair out for you before you sit down and shit those those are two things that are on this fighting your enemies in a fighting my enemy um now i'm thinking of like romanticist novels yeah where he hates everyone but me yeah and treats me like a princess um but this poll is uh about chivalry and like

what men and women think is chivalrous and what isn't so um most young women think opening doors this chivalrous fewer young men agree uh again these this includes middle-aged people wait hold on but it's like is the question then what people see as chivalrous versus what they expect from people um i think this specifically is just what they consider chivalrous on a date select it says which of the following would you consider chivalrous on a date select all that apply okay and so chivalry then i always think of chivalry as just like a like a set list of things that somebody could do to be chivalrous can only a man be chivalrous i think so i mean that's how it's discussed i mean it's true yeah it is how it's discussed it's like you rarely call

a woman handsome but like she technically could be a woman could be handsome yeah but you never like say like she's a handsome woman that sounds like an insult you know i mean so i wonder if chivalry is the same kind of thing anyway well uh i'll read them to you opening doors um 69% of men i think that's chivalrous and 81% of women think that's chivalrous pulling out chairs 59% of men 70% of women helping in and out of a coat 50% of men 50% of women that's embarrassing thing i do get like stuck in a coat a lot yeah when you can't get the one arm in yeah yeah i'm scared i i mr liz helps me put my coat on sometimes cute especially if we're dressed up and going out he'll he'll help me that's chivalry yeah it's hot chivalry is not dead in this house should we call

it chivalry or should we just call it hot damn like that's hot i think paris hilton yeah i think it is just hot offering a jacket 54 of men 62 of women um waiting to start eating until both people are served 57 of men 55 of women i think it's interesting seeing which ones like men believe more yeah that's the first one we've come across um i do think that's polite like to me i'm like most of the stuff is just polite i was just about to say that it's like this is just is chivalry just being polite and courteous i've never had to think this much about the word chivalry yeah and it's such a strange word it sounds like chivalry it sounds like medieval doesn't it yeah like a knight like a chivalrous knight chain mail yeah um walking on the outside of the

sidewalk 42 of men 52 of women making eye contact 44 of men 52 of women chivalry it's chivalrous to make eye contact okay maybe it's just neurotypical yeah um one person paying the bill 39 of men 45 of women never interrupting 40 of men 41 of women just being courteous right unless you have adhd and interrupting is just a love language yeah you just like can't wait to say what you want to say because you want to tell this person the thing that you want to say yeah like i can't lose the thought so does that make me not chivalrous what you're saying is making me excited yeah i gotta say what you have to say what you want to say um filling the water glass 30 of men 29 of women i do i do think it's cute when guys fill up all everyone's glass yeah yeah

you know but that again is just like a common courtesy thing courtesy so what is chivalry and then none of these 15 of men and seven percent of women can you like look up like the miriam webster for chivalry i need to know yeah oh knightly code i was on to something mounted men at arms oh chivalry is wait oh this is a noun chivalry is a noun yeah chivalry is a noun what are the other chivalry is chivalry as a noun mounted men at arms example the 11 kings with their chivalry never turned back chivalrous adjective valiant of relating to or characteristic of chivalry and knight errantry i mean like i just think like a good rule of thumb is like respecting the person you're on a date with yeah i period i'm i'm wondering when it all got so

complicated but has it always been this complicated you know i'm trying to think about like when we were dating in our 20s i think so like it did feel complicated i mean i had no idea what the fuck I was doing yeah and I was talking like I did you know what I mean so maybe it needs to be more complicated than we typically treat it I was also thinking about um Esther Perel just kind of talks a lot about how like marriage and dating now is very different because we have such higher expectations for how fulfilling that relationship should be yeah so I think that's well because like we don't need to get married anymore no so yeah it has to fulfill another need for us yeah it's not a survival thing no more right um and it's not necessarily a bad thing to expect

your romantic relationship or partnership to be more a more fulfilling relationship that you have but those expectations I think just need to be clear yeah like what what role do you want a partner to fill in your life right like what do you what what role do you want Frank to fill in your life I was just thinking like I feel like because I was trying to think I was actually talking about this with my therapist last week where I was like you know how people are like oh when you know you know I don't know what the fuck that feels like you know what I mean but then I was thinking about it it's like no I can remember the exact moment that I knew that I wanted to at least like be exclusive with Frank and it was because it just felt like I was hanging

out with a friend that I like wanted to bone you know what I mean and like so from there I started thinking like that is really all that I've ever wanted like that's like what I wanted fulfilled from my partner is just like a like somebody that I could rely on and feel safe with and feel comfortable with and like that i just wanted to be around all the time oh i know i've talked to mr liz about how perfect i think frank is for you i'm like i can't imagine like a better person for you i agree thank you for saying that i don't know you guys are such a fun couple thank you and you're perfect for each other it really does feel like we were cut from the same cloth which is weird we were also like very similar as children which is really strange

like we had like the same fears like we had the same like weird little quirks you're both gemini's we're both gemini's i love that it's perfect it is it was meant to be what about you like what do you feel like you want your partner um i what i want want to have i don't know yeah partner uh but the thing i that is the most important to me i just like want like a life companion like yeah the sex part of it is more like now it just feels like a side part yeah you know yeah it's not as big of a role in like the relationship i have slash want like because i also i've been in a relationship where sex just feels like a required like a demand or a requirement where you're like i don't want this to be a chore yeah i want it to be something that like i'm like

consciously into yeah and participating in because that's better sex if you're both like wanting to do it exactly yeah so um i don't know yeah i just wanted more of like the the deep companionship of it yeah of a partner a life partner and that feels like not it's not that's not something that you can really like fake either yeah like it feels like the like over complication of like oh well like what am i looking for and like does this person like pull out a chair for me do they like fill the water for me like those are all things that could be faked so like yeah like those are also they're all actions yeah and i mean sure it's about like being chivalrous on a date yeah and like being those are just things that are check

marks yeah right there's like ultimately i don't know i think what people want out of a relationship is that sense of safety and deep connection yeah and it's so fucking dope when you have that not like not worrying and to get to that point can be so confusing because like it is the thing that both people ultimately want in a relationship but like if you haven't worked on your own shit it can be very like challenging to get to a point where it's just always comfortable even when there is conflict like yeah it wasn't always like that for me and mr liz um it definitely definitely had to like work on ourselves like it's it's interesting you work on yourself in a relationship yeah the relationship changes yeah well like me and frank always talk about it's like there's

the two of us and then there's our relationship yeah and we're like we're like parenting the relationship is like a third this thing yeah yeah i think we have talked about that like where it's you and me and then our relationship is the one thing it's like our third thing yeah yeah and when you when you don't treat the relationship as a third thing and you treat like your unit that's like when the enmeshment happens and like the like you guys are like uh what's the word i'm looking for you like need each other to breathe you know and that's when it starts to it's not that's not the case every time but it's it has the potential to start to get toxic because you like are one unit you know and like that and then like if there's something wrong with the

relationship you start to take that super personally because it's like something about you or something about the other person and it it just like has the potential to be this like really bad toxic mess um and i feel like coming out of my like first long-term relationship and realizing like how in intermeshed we were and how like all of my sense of stability was like on that relationship i didn't realize that that's what i was doing it was like oh it's because me and the relationship are the same thing you know like i i am not seeing this as a separate thing if this fails I failed you know what I mean yeah um or like if he oh my god if he's not into this he's not into me like unlocking something for me it's really interesting to think about

it's but anyway I could go on and on no I think you should I think that's I think this is so interesting because you and I haven't really talked in depth about our relationships now yeah that's true and even before with the way we talked about our relationships like we weren't really going into detail about like the conflict in our relationships and stuff like that because I think those things are kind of private yeah they're personal they can be awkward to talk about but I also think like I don't know like anytime you talk about and maybe this is unfair because it's just what you see online and what you see online is not people that you know intimately they're strangers yeah but like yeah you'll see someone post like something about their

partner on reddit or threads or whatever and then the comments are just like negative or like have no advice they're just like breakup yeah i'm like that's not that's not realistic no yeah that's not helpful advice it's not realistic advice also like i i think relationship every relationship has its own set of challenges like the challenges that you and frank have are going to be totally different than the challenges that me and mr live liz has yeah and like what each person is willing to work through is going to be different person to person and couple to couple yeah yeah yeah and like trying to not like compare yourself to like what other couples are yeah experiencing too is like i i have fallen victim because like how i understand the world around me is by like look

like comparing myself to it like yeah you're like is what i'm experiencing like what the world is experiencing is this like normal how I feel yeah what even is normal there's just like right I do I do a lot of the comparing to like that's also what I talk about in therapy I'm like I don't know if this is normal and then she's like well what do you mean yeah I'm like what do I mean yeah yeah because really like because I was talking to my therapist about how like people will post things like when they get engaged and they're like the first second that I saw you like I knew that like you were the one for me and I'm like is it bad that I didn't feel that way when I met Frank because when I first met Frank I was like this is gonna be a homie and I even said

that on the podcast you know I was like maybe I'll fuck this guy but I was like is that how it should be and she was like if you think about how many times they probably went on a first date and thought that that was the person for them like if you're throwing enough spaghetti at a wall something's gonna stick you know like she might have thought that like the past 10 people she dated were her soulmates and this is just the one that happened to work like you cannot compare what other people are saying on social media as gospel and use your situation to compare to that because they're not saying like yeah i went on like 10 dates before this and i thought i was going to marry all of them and then i met you and now i'm marrying you and it's like i also don't even know

what their relationship is like yeah on the day-to-day like there are plenty of people in relationships that are nothing like our relationships with our partners right like I think that while I think our relationships are different I do think that they're very similar in that like this is like my bestie yeah yeah this is one of the girls this is the person this is my person yeah like I can tell them anything I want to tell them I can tell them my intrusive thoughts and like yeah I know everything is going to be okay this is a safe space yeah like yeah i think there are there are a lot of relationships that are not like that at all they're very separate and like the relationship is can be more challenging because they don't

have the same like trusted space yeah it's very much like yeah my this is my husband he goes out to golf he's just one of the guys yeah and not like he knows all of my most intimate secrets yeah yeah it really does feel like and maybe i don't know if this is like a newer thing as like women have gotten more like autonomy um but it does feel like it's more of a recent thing that like i think so i mean like we're seeing i see a lot of like these are my parents and their best friends like on tiktok you know and like they are still they treat each other like they're kids still and like i love seeing that but that doesn't feel it feels very new that that is being publicized yeah well and I mean that's also what I I mean what I was saying kind of about how Esther

Perel talks about now relationships the expectation is so much more um but I do think it's a more recent thing yeah but that's also not to say that like relationships that aren't like that are bad right like as long as they work for the two people who are involved that's yes that was the thought that i was gonna say too it's like every the fact that relationships ever work to me is mind-blowing because you have to have two entirely different people with two entirely different backgrounds agreeing to choose each other every day and so the fact that that ever works and then there are billions of people on the planet like no two relationships are going to be the same yeah and everyone's always going to have like their own quirks and flaws like you're going to have to

you're gonna end up choosing things that you're like i it sounds bad like choose what you're willing to tolerate yeah but it's true like i would never tolerate snoring i can't do that like it would never work out with me and someone who snores yeah sorry yeah maybe now it would because i wear those like bluetooth sleep headphones yeah shout out oslo are they noise canceling um they're not noise canceling like they don't have the anc noise cancellation but they um play like white noise and they seal it in perfect yeah i love that and they're flat so you can like i'm a side sleeper hell yeah yeah oh my god i've been getting the best sleep ever this is gonna sound like an ad but um my parents neighbor across the hall from her from them um

her niece works for this company called head and heel h-e-a-l and they have cbn gummies that are so worth the price i always remember cbn and for nighttime yeah and then cbg like g for giggles yeah i've never heard of cbg yet they they're making all kinds of shit now girl fuck yeah wow i'm glad that scientists are putting their resources cbn cbn has changed my life my sleep score has been like 10 points higher I'm I'm very curious if you would if like the earplug things that I use would be effective for you yeah maybe because they would what's the most challenging thing about sleeping for you is it like do noises wake you up no I just never get into deep sleep that's my challenge my deep sleep I'm in deep sleep for like 15 minutes a night

which is insane yeah that is insane that's why I'm so tired all the time like I'll sleep like eight hours but only have 10 minutes of deep sleep i don't wake up feeling refreshed do you use a weighted blanket or anything i use a weighted blanket a weighted eye mask i have ear plugs oh sleep in a very cold room okay yeah you've tried everything boxes then so i don't know i don't know either and like i did like a sleep study and they were like no you don't have sleep apnea so we don't know what to tell you like anyway so these cbn gummies i guess i think it might be it might be a blue light thing that's the only thing that I can think of but I don't know everything's blue light now it's not my fault well one thing that really gets me one thing that

gets me prepared to go to sleep I got a an acupressure mat I have one of those too I have a little nighttime ritual where I lay out my yoga mat and I put my acupressure mat and the little head thing on there yeah and then I get I have two weighted blankets so I get one of them off the bed I really need to get out of my two weighted blanket habit it's gonna fuck me up uh it's too heavy but I get that one down and then I like um sometimes I'll listen to an audiobook but I end up like zoning out needing to rewind it so I'll just put in my noise canceling like white noise and just lay there and then uh make myself relax and like there's nothing to distract me yeah I just lay there and I like make myself relax on this pointy mat until eventually I feel

really good on it and then I start to fall asleep and then I'll kind of wake up and I'll be like all right it's time for bed and then I fucking love an acupressure mat into bed I forgot about that I got one of those when I was um when my anxiety was really high and I couldn't fall asleep at night and I was like scratching because I would like be so like frustrated that I couldn't sleep that I was like making myself bleed just like out of like tension and my therapist was like bitch try something pointy yeah you need an acupressure mat and it changed the game for me i mean maybe it's time to bring it back out i think it might be i i love mine i love my little routine yeah i'd like do all my face washing and whatnot and then i light some incense and then i

lay down and because i always fall asleep on the acupressure mat i don't know for how long like 15 to 20 minutes but when i get up and i can see how far the incense has gone down i have like a better idea i love it's like a holy experience it is i love that i have a whole ritual i very much enjoy it i'm looking forward to it right now actually oh that's the best i thought it was really truly the best um but back to relationships we got a listener email that i think would dovetail perfectly into what we were just talking about the subject line is long-term relationship advice hi liz and amelia i hope this email address still works it does it does it does everyone i'm a mexican living in norway and have been listening since episode one shout out shout out

to you shout out norway also and shout out mexicans as well yes um i love your work i am writing today because i would like to hear you talk about navigating long-term relationships specifically what was the process like for both of you when transitioning from living alone to moving in with your partners how did you navigate different schedules and lifestyles that's a good question yeah i find myself in my very first adult long-term relationship and we are ready to merge our lives a bit more however we have very different schedules i wake up at five to go to the gym and my partner a light sleeper wakes up after 8 a.m it is hard for us to share a bedroom during weekdays as both our sleeping schedules get compromised by either his late

bedtime or my early wake-up time on top of that i lived alone the last eight years here in norway and i'm struggling to imagine giving up my space or yeah giving up my space i love my partner and i love spending time with him but after a few days together i want some alone time in my own space even if it's just for an evening i always had my own room growing up and now my own apartment so the idea of losing all my own spaces does not sound that good to me i am now considering moving in but keeping separate bedrooms or even separate homes i would love to hear your advice and perspective on this thank you so much i have so many thoughts because right before me and frank moved in together i started freaking the fuck out i was like because he's also an early riser he

wakes up at 5 a.m and i go to sleep at like 1 30 so like that doesn't jive and like i've just gotten so used to being alone you know like how am i gonna like what if this breaks us up and like that's a good thing to figure out yeah you know yeah but like you fall into these ways of managing so quickly like frank goes to sleep at like 9 9 30 and yeah that's mr liz too i just i just like slip into i just like go i hang out in the living room and then i just quietly come in and get ready for bed and go to sleep and i sleep with earplugs in so his alarm doesn't wake me up there's always gonna need to be compromised like when it comes to having two different like wake-up times like mr liz wakes up early i would say well we wake up this the same time when we go to the office

which is helpful um but like when it comes to the weekends like he's an old man he wants to wake up early and like mow the lawn or whatever the fuck yeah he wants to go do shit like that and I don't want to do that I want to sleep in as long as humanly possible yeah without feeling bad about myself um but like I think there's always like some workarounds and it's also how willing are you to like work on those things like if you don't have any issue with him coming to bed like whenever like as long as he's not being loud yeah you know and he's not waking you up when he's coming to bed and if he's a light sleeper and like wants to sleep in but like when you wake up in the morning it like wakes him up I don't know sometimes like Mr. Liz will sleep in when

I'm waking up early and luckily he's a pretty heavy sleeper but for the most part like I'll try and be prepared on those days like I'll move my makeup into the bathroom instead of like because usually i do my makeup at um my vanity in our bedroom so if he's sleeping i'll take all my makeup into the bathroom and do my makeup in there i have my clothes set out um i always try and pick out my clothes for the next day it just saves a lot of uh i haven't done that since school it's it's yeah it is fun to pick out your outfit for school yeah um yeah but i always try and pick out my outfit but for me with sleeping like we were just talking about like having an eye mask having like the um they're called oslo sleep buds or something not sponsored definitely not

sponsored you don't know the name they are expensive but if you're a light sleeper they're honestly the best fucking thing ever but even just like some regular earplugs like making it so he like he's responsible for himself yeah it's like not up to you to make sure he's asleep and you don't wake him up like as long as you're like being a considerate partner it's the most you can do there's like there are like it could be expensive but like if it's important enough to you to like maybe put it on like a payment plan having a mattress that like doesn't shake when you get in and out of bed like there are ways to manage and like it sounds like maybe from the outside like oh I don't want to have to like take my makeup into the bathroom in the morning like I

want my routines it just like becomes a new routine and it's fine i'm also not anti-owned bedroom yeah why not like that's sick yeah i know i know couples who have their own bedrooms yeah because they have totally different sleep routines yeah that's great like do you really need to sleep in the same bed there are some nights where there was one night where mr liz's farts were so bad i was like you are not sleeping in here and he didn't no we had the um we had the guest bed pulled out so i was like please sleep in there frank slept downstairs last night because he just like needed to not be potentially woken up by me there are ways to manage i also think like you just need to like if you are going to move in together you just need to accept that

you are going to get on each other's nerves and want your own space sometimes there are some times like i don't know they'll be doing something totally normal and you're like i just wish you would get out of the house yeah yeah that just comes with it yeah yeah and honestly like i mean frank and i have been really lucky that we've been in a enormous house for so long as our first house because we're able to we're able to just like fuck off yeah if we need to um but like if you don't have that yeah like we don't have that much room yeah but you're still able to like we we've had conversations where he was like if you ever want alone time will you just tell me and i'll go find something to do i was like sure i love that i absolutely will and i

think initially his concern was he wasn't gonna get a lot enough alone time but then it switched where i'm like i think i actually need more alone time than you that's interesting i mean i've always been very independent like i would play i would play alone for hours as a kid and then like um i lived alone for a really long time i loved living alone it's just very nice to be the only person in your home yeah yeah you put something down it's gonna be there when you yeah go go there the next day now when mr liz is gone though i'll have a hard time falling asleep on the first couple of nights i can't sleep if frank's not in bed with me i'm like where is he yeah it's really weird or if i don't know it's just like if you yeah just like eases

your nervous system being yeah weird being in bed by myself even though it is so nice to have the bed a lot yeah because you guys have a queen yeah yeah we have a queen two cats that only want to sleep on me oh but it's it's in talks to get a king you absolutely have to do it it's it's gonna happen it's just a matter of like we also want to get a nice bed frame so it's like a whole process yeah that's fair we just finished nice bed stuff we finished paying off our mattress um in december we are now mattress owners i'd like to say we've got we for some reason we got the most expensive fucking mattress it is very worth it it's a purple mattress it is we yeah basically we did lay away on the mattress but it it was a very expensive mattress and happened to be worth every

penny so i mean sleep is you spend a lot of time in bed you should be a lot you want to be comfortable yeah um but some of these other things like some of the what i would say the number one thing that i recommend that my therapist also like suggested is determining before you like let's say you've agreed to move in together before you move your stuff in or maybe right after you move in like you both need to sit down and split up the chores who's gonna do what chore and start by picking the chores that you each enjoy doing yeah like yeah like i like vacuuming i'll do all the vacuuming yeah do you like vacuuming is that your thing um i don't mind i feel i feel pretty like neutral about the chores there are some things that i know i'm gonna do that miss

mr liz has no interest in doing like i i clean out the fridge so like i take out all the expired stuff and throw it out and like all of that and then I unload the dishwasher but he loads it interesting yeah I love cleaning countertops nice there's something about it that's very like maybe you can come to do ours I would honestly love to like there's something that's very satisfying about it to me I don't know what it is but Frank hates cleaning countertops so like having those conversations and also it's not permanent like there's some shit that I agreed to do that I don't do anymore chores yeah because I was like listen I guess it's not working out like you do it yeah yeah I'll take one of yours right so they're just yeah um having because

having those like determining those up front then there's like not any expectations or the the expectations are you do your chore I do my chore and now we don't need to discuss it yeah instead of like the like back and forth of like well why don't you just take out the trash when you realize it's full yeah like no trash is your chore yeah you just know they're gonna do yeah so like when you see the trash is full take it out because it's your chore and there are things that you can automate to like buying things for the house yes just have it on like auto buy yeah i have um toilet paper on auto ship us too it's nice to not have to think about that there are like yeah little household items if you can auto ship them you don't have to think about it but these

are all things that like you figure out as you do it and it is scary like there are there is a piece of advice i saw on reddit when i was like looking this up like well i'm so scared like what if we what if it doesn't work is like the worst idea the worst reason to move in together is by is it just being what makes sense in terms of like paying rent yeah you should want to do you should want to do it and it sounds like you do and like there's just like some logistical things that are like worrying you a little bit there are always ways around logistical things and also like we've like we were talking about earlier in the episode of like comparing yourself to other people like oh it's not normal to have our separate bedrooms like who fucking cares who gives a

fuck make it normal for you yeah you can i think the best thing about being an adult and in an adult relationship is realizing you can do whatever you want yeah like oh pretty well we're getting married we don't you mean we don't have to have like a super expensive typical wedding yeah we can just elope yeah or we can have a halloween wedding like you could do whatever you want yeah no rules i think that's the best thing about it it really is we're living in a good i mean it's the worst time ever in some regards but we're living in a very good time for self-expression right now and just not wanting to like if you don't want to be traditional about shit don't yeah you don't have to but i also don't know what it's like in norway yeah probably not much

different really i don't think norway is a very like oppressive place no if that weird looking soccer player is any indication what's his name erling he seems fun he seems so fun he's hilarious he's so fucking funny but anyhow thank you for writing in yeah trust yourself that was helpful i hope it was like there i don't know i think if you're talking about your concerns about moving in and like discussing what some solutions could be it's gonna make you feel a lot more confident about moving in together yeah and there's so many solutions to something like I did want to move in with Mr. Liz and was excited to do so but I did also really grieve giving up my own place I loved my apartment yeah it was so cute it was it was mine it just like it was home yeah and I think

the hardest thing was moving into a place where someone was already living so I had to give up a lot of my belongings that I had like an attachment to you know when you're like young in your 20s and you're like finally getting your shit together and your apartment's cute yeah and then you have to give it away like it sucked like it was really sad but um I did tell Mr. Liz that like it was hard for me and he was like I want to do whatever will make you feel like this is your home too yeah so that changed a lot too it was it was really helpful to hear that because it made me feel more comfortable saying like here's where I want things this is like what I want yeah in our bedroom whatever right being able to communicate with your partner is such a fucking gift yeah

yeah so yeah being able to talk to them and like voice your fears that was something I did too I there was a lot of tears when i was moving out of my place because like and i realized a big piece of that was like everything feels so out of control and like my space was the one thing that i felt in control of and frank was like i don't know how the fuck to decorate like yeah you could do whatever you want whatever you want to the place and i was like okay and like just saying these things getting getting the fears out of your head is it gives them so much less power so just talk yeah it's true sometimes i'll be like can i just say my intrusive thought and then when when you say it doesn't happen that's the rule right when you say the intrusive

thought out loud it doesn't happen right it makes it go away actually that's not superstition that's science that's literally science that's literally science women in stem it's time for me to buy dinner oh my god i'm gonna go get teriyaki i'm so fucking excited for you thank you what's your what's your uh spicy chicken oh i was looking at that i was considering buying teriyaki or when mr liz was ordering it and i was like i wonder how they're spicy it's very good okay that's good to know yeah there was a random teriyaki place that we went to on our way to mizama it was like a middle of middle of no more town and i was like i really want teriyaki which is not something i ever say yeah um when you want it you want it the best fucking teriyaki i've ever

really yeah it was so good do you know that seattle kind of like popularized teriyaki i actually did learn that recently that's crazy yeah would you like to sing us out sure okay i'm trying how does it go we love you i guess it goes however we want yeah we love you i like how you always do the most that's just kind of like it's it's gotta have a pizzazz yeah you yeah i bet you went fucking crazy at the sleepover talent show oh girl i was never a judge i always needed to be the one performing performing yeah and i performed same i can see that that's why did you dance or sing sing i was dancing oh oh my god we could have been like an act a duo yeah let's do it let's figure let's figure out a performance okay all right tune in

Tune in next time. Send us an email. What should our performance be? I'm choreographing. It's a CTA. All right. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye.