The Hoely Hour - The New Testament E3

Episode Date: September 10, 2020

In this mini episode, Liz and Amelia read what is unofficially known as "Hinge Cringe." The girls read good, bad, and mostly ugly Hinge prompts! Share some of your best and worst dating app experiences with us. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

is it good yeah i personally hate it but somebody might love it someone is coming into their pants is this also asmr yeah very loud do you get sexual gratification out of asmr i don't know maybe if you come to asmr please let us know so we slide in our dms just yeah and it's not to judge you it's because i'm genuinely curious whenever we ask for like input on shit it's because we just don't know anything about it we're not shaming you we just don't get it we're just two we're just two girls chilling in seattle washington with questions we're just two bitches in my studio apartment with my two cats uh-huh we don't know anything about sexual

gratification from asmr it's not us no it's not our lives i was expecting you to end that sentence that we don't know anything about sexual gratification and i was like bitch we have an entire podcast we're constantly like touch the glitter ass touch that clit touch that stay with us touch that good it's the new testament bitches pew pew pew she's amelia sampson and i'm liz ball but are we really who are we i don't know it's a simulation we're all just living as shakespeare once wrote uh what's in a name a rose by any other name smells just as sweet

um so i'm like always and when liz was on the dating scene we were always sending each other stupid fucking answers on dating apps by men because there are so many and i'm realizing i think that men do this because they think it's funny like they're like i just put no effort into these answers ahaha i'm so cool i won't put any effort into these answers and i won't put any effort into our relationship baby girl are you is it a water park down there knowing that i don't care this is like a there's a song there somewhere because okay so what what inspired us to like potentially like well we've been talking about doing this for a while liz had like a twitch episode i guess where she was reading episode i'm so out of the know yeah it did a twitch

live stream it was like went through uh dating profiles i had come across and took screenshots of and they're not like we're not gonna make fun of how anyone looks because no 2020 yeah never but the answers are yeah some answers are like obscene like but there there is one i did take i'm gonna show you a screenshot of this this i took a screenshot of this man's tattoo on his back because it is appalling it's just an it's just like a typical it's a stereotypical douchebag tattoo okay so i'm gonna explain the tattoo to you i'm not gonna say what it says but it's a word and it's across his upper back in like old english uh typeface and it's like um on braid it's what it is on right isn't it it's so ugly it's one of those things if i saw this in person

i'd be like is that a is that a c or is that a t and then like have you ever seen um like there's just like a lot of guys who like will tattoo their last name on their back yes why like i have family pride it's like well you're okay you're dishonoring your family with that ugly ass tattoo yeah it's atrocious why would you do that i don't like that at all i really don't like that at all so that's what his face isn't in it it's his tattoo on his back and it's just it ain't it so there's this hey there's this prompt that i sent liz and the and the prompt is don't hate me if i and this guy's answer is tell you you're ugly like what is the appeal if i don't hate me if i tell you you're ugly you don't need to do that right you have the choice

to just not tell a girl that they're ugly you don't have to be a douche nozzle don't match with me what about that yeah you think that i'm ugly can you imagine going to the effort to match with someone to be like yeah your face look like a horse it's fucking ridiculous and this was the same guy that had the um prompt i'm on here or like i'll swipe right if you're and the answer was if you're lauren hill and i was like lauren hill is not on this app nor would she waste her time swiping right on a she's lauren goddamn hill right he does not wait on anybody uh it's just this i don't i i'm pretty sure lauren hill demands you call her miss lauren hill yeah and i'm only saying that because i worked in pr and one of our clients like had her as like an artist performing

at one of their venues and every tweet i wrote it had to say miss lauren hill and i respect that i love that about her i love that energy and everyone should have that kind of energy i'm gonna make people call me miss amelia samson um okay so this one says my mantra is if you ain't winning you're not winning like facts he's bro fucking bars dude you know he was stoned to the bone when he wrote that he's like have you ever thought about my mantras if you're not winning if you ain't winning you're not winning man i what is winning though you know winning is a mindset yeah you can you can still win exactly so he's wrong you should have you should have swiped right just for the argument no hard pass no thank you respectfully i respectfully decline oh this

guy's entire profile i screen i took screenshots of because it was my least favorite thing i've ever seen um let's call him gabe uh so gabe's profile says the one thing i'd love to know about you is are you into textationships and going back and forth for weeks without meeting up if so please skip my profile oh my god shut up and then the next one is i'll fall for you if you don't play games and you make me laugh and can cook or at least make decent guacamole poached egg skills is a bonus what kind of okay i hate him so much unusual skills i'll tell you when you're older oh my god p.s i am highly qualified qualified to make all of your fantasies come true

i'm like oh my god gabe how are you single right now oh my god wow i've never wanted to be with anybody more in my life you're highly qualified to use your dick wait hold on like what what am i waiting to hear until i'm older what is that you can't play games you have to make me laugh i have to know you have to be a stand-up comedian and you have to cook me a five course meal or at least guacamole and poached eggs i'm looking for someone to make me breakfast i really fucking order in i hate that i just don't i can't imagine reading that and being like i want to meet this guy i i know i just hate um like i hate when like a profile is like all the prompts are demanding you be a certain way and it's like what oh my god you know my favorite thing is when favorite as in

least favorite is when men are like it's like i'm looking for like an athletic smart um woman that can cook and clean and doesn't question any of my decisions and lets me have boys days like very specific like guidelines that are like that's it's like okay um you're clearly carrying over your trauma from your past relationship and projecting it into your profile so I can tell you have some things to work on and I'm gonna uh respectfully decline right call me after a few years of therapy my guy yeah yeah uh it looks like you need to work on you and I'm gonna let you figure that out you like match with him just to give him advice like just be like listen you look like you need help your answers are concerning oh i found one i'm looking for a goddess to make

her my queen and queen is in all caps relax oh oh my god wait this was one so one of my prompts on hinge is um what i would do on my fake sick day and my answer is running errands because i never have time to run errands and somebody responded and said girls who do housework are sexy how is running an errand housework sir and also like that's something you should probably keep to yourself right like and why would that be something like if i saw that like why would that be like oh like thank you i'm going to match with you back because you think that oh my god i have no dignity right like match yeah like oh my god i love when

guys have like clear-cut gender roles in their minds like what how do you know oh my god i love that i love that for i love that you expect me to make you a meal right this is for every single man the sexiest thing i've ever heard um this one says we'll get along if you like to stay fit travel enjoy a drink are non-religious have your shit together don't take yourself too seriously and can take roasting i i see this all the time where guys are like i'm looking for a girl who doesn't take herself too seriously and i'm like your entire profile screams insecurity yeah right and you're and you're like preaching to women going through your profile that they can't take themselves seriously when like if i were to ever like give you shit about anything

I could tell that you would snap yeah absolutely I know I know and like the whole um like thing about at the end of that where he was like I want a girl that like can take a joke basically like yeah no I'm demanding you be all of these things and then also if I make fun of you you have to laugh and think it's funny like I just don't I think that I'll laugh if you are funny I think that men that have those types of answers like who can take a joke it's like you're probably just mean and like you're sick of being told that you're mean so you say that it's a joke it doesn't dismiss the behavior you're a dick and then no one thinks it's funny and then you're mad that no one thinks you're funny yeah I think I've told you this before but I hate when like um

I hate when people and I've only I mean I want to say people because I don't want to discriminate but like it's always been men who i've seen behave this way um like they try to be funny because they want people to laugh they don't they're it's not because they're just funny people like it's not part of their personality yeah they're just like um i'm making a joke because i want you to clap yeah that's not because you're just a funny person like if you don't think that women can be funny then we don't ever need to associate yeah that's true you just they're probably the the the men who think women can't be funny are not listening to this podcast that's so true but it's if you're a man and you're here thank you we love you truly honestly we truly do

yeah and also i think the men that are here know that they're not the men that we're talking about oh yeah absolutely and like it's it's just one of those things that's just like if you're listening and you're triggered and you're mad look at that for what it's you yeah ate you yeah we do not have extremely unique opinions on no no it's not just us that feel this way there's there's entire sex like dedicated to that um okay so this is a response that i had um i used to have a prompt that said um let's debate this topic would you tell someone if they were a bad kisser and this person this guy said no i direct them most people are bad kissers and i just feel like if you think most bad people are kissers then you're the bad kisser yeah because i've i've

kissed a lot of people i've kissed so many people and i would say most people are good kissers i agree yeah yeah it's it's rare that i kiss a bad kisser yeah it's always jarring when i kiss a bad kisser because it's like oh yeah and then also i mean i i do think that sometimes it's like um people can be like a little stiff the first time you kiss because like what if they have what if neither of you have kissed anyone in a long time and if you're nervous then you're like okay i don't really know like let's give it another shot or something right but then some people it's just like the first time you kiss them it's great yeah yeah most of the time my first kiss kisses have been great i was thinking about this like i didn't match with this guy i was like oh so you're just

telling me in advance you're a bad kisser right thank you for telling me up front i like appreciate the honesty i don't ever get kissed on first dates ever ever ever can't remember the last time I got kissed on a first date that's insane to me and I feel like you do yeah so what is it about me I don't know what it is I can't remember maybe I just like put out like big like kiss me energy I don't know but like it happens so often that a guy won't like try anything with me until like five plus dates that is so and I don't know why I keep trying but it starts to become like a like the comedian name i had to kiss him on the fifth date and then five dates is so many dishwasher wouldn't touch me literally seven i your patience is shocking to me it starts to

become a like challenge for me if i wasn't kissed by so if i don't kiss someone on the first date it's because i know i don't want to like i don't want to kiss them and then if we kiss by the second date that's like a good indicator for me i'm like if i'm interested or not i don't know but if we don't kiss by the second date i'm just like okay goodbye yeah i should probably adopt that i mean the comedian was a different story because we dated for a while but like dishwasher like hopeless hopeless he i i don't i mean i and i'm still hung out with him again after that you already know how i feel about that i know and i agree with you so okay this prompt says you'll know I like you if and the answer is if my first text is ridiculously boring which is just him

giving up all responsibility of being interesting on the first text you know what I mean yeah he's like I'm a really boring texter and that's how you'll know that I like you like no try though like you're just you're just throwing your hands up yeah that doesn't mean well and also like that why does that have to be an answer like you can like specify down the line like you know i'm not a big texter right please don't overread that like don't overthink that i feel like a lot of people if my texts aren't interesting it will i also kind of feel like the older you get the less you're like i need to text them back right away i need to constantly be on my phone like the older i've gotten i'm so much less invested in texting i'm like god i don't want to like be texting

constantly like always on my phone like and then it becomes like if you're texting constantly like your conversations get really boring what the hell do you have to talk about like i don't know how's your day you know i just hate that i hate small talk on text exactly me too it's like okay like yeah there's some people that i i would like to talk to all day but i just know that i'm not going to be able to accomplish the kind of like like with my boyfriend i would love to talk to all day long but like I know that we're not gonna have like the kind of like meaningful conversation that I regularly enjoy with him in person via text like we do have fun conversations in text but like talking to him in person is just like so much better yeah yeah so I'm not gonna like

press to try and like have some intense conversation in text all the time yeah you know totally it's like if it's right and we're having this great conversation in the text then great awesome but i'm not gonna like seek that out all the time how was your day what are you doing yeah we don't need to be talking about that we'll catch up when we see exactly you can tell me those details in person and i can like be like invested in it but then like this answer is like you'll know i like you if my first text is boring like what if the first text isn't boring what this girl is gonna be like he doesn't even like me this is the most interesting text i've ever received it's just it's over he doesn't like me um this this prompt says my simple pleasure is tsa pre-check

and i actually really liked that answer and that's why i saved it because i was like damn i love feeling safe that's such a good point a tsa pre-check you get to skip the line you don't have to take off your jacket you don't have to take off your shoes it's just it it's a nice simple pleasure like especially if you don't already have tsa pre-check and you're one of those like magically chosen people where they're like they put it on your uh fucking what's it called uh ticket yeah your boarding pass oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah they're doing like those eye scans now clear like have you seen those in the airport you like scan your eye and that's how you your eye uh-huh yeah it's called clear and it's like instead of pre-check it's like you scan your

eyeball and that's how they determine who you are and you get like special treatment wait are your eyes like fingerprints like what yeah i didn't know that yeah i know but it's like i've seen a lot of people with like so now i feel even more special because my eyes are green and green is the rarest eye color yeah uh technically all eye colors are the same it's just how condensed the pigmentation is look at that i used to hate my brown eyes and i've learned to love them oh i know well they were just so boring but then i started to appreciate brown eyed girl by yeah i was gonna say and i was like they were a fucking song they must be nice um this guy's profile was really fucking funny so i screenshot all answers that he had so this is the first one dating me is like

going to horse camp when you're 13 because it's the only thing left in the summer parks and rec catalog and your parents say you have to do something and then the second one is i won't shut up about horse camp and then the third one is all i ask is that you have been or planning to go to horse camp i love him so i thought that was really that's great this one you should not go out with me if you don't like tall guys six foot eight oh my god damn this guy fucks that's like do you have a personality though you should not go out with me if you like being treated exactly how you deserve to be treated like oh why would anybody not like that i've never met a girl that doesn't like a tall guy it's like it's like when you're interviewing for a job and they're

like what's your biggest weakness and you're like i care too much and i'm a perfectionist i'm too organized yeah and you're like listen my weakness is actually a strength i'm tall as fuck and i know girls like that oh my god i hate that it's so annoying i'm gonna go through hinge in real time you'll know i like you if i let you come visit me at work and meet my co-workers so when i read that i was like why the fuck would i want to do that i also have a job like why would i come visit you at work yeah what do you think i'm doing with my day yeah like when you're working i am also working do you remember what he did for work no like like what are your co-workers kittens otherwise like i don't care about meeting them at your job right like why can't i meet your

co-workers outside of work yeah i'm not coming during the day i'm fucking busy i'm also making a living turns out maybe they just like i don't i don't know it doesn't make any sense oh i saw this answer all the time most spontaneous thing i've done is quit my job and move to like whatever oh my god i've seen that so many times or like i've quit my job like risky i quit my tech job i quit my tech job and started my own startup and it's like that's cool it's that's cool yeah that's objectively cool but like it is such a common answer it's just like we're in seattle you're not the first person with a startup but we are like one of 600 000 sorry but i'm sure it's a great startup good for you this guy's prompt is um i want someone who can start a sports super

family with me i was like having kids that play sports but yeah no thanks so that i answered someone's prompt they did not match with me but when i was writing it i was cracking myself up so his prompt says my love language is parcel tongue it's super creepy and then i said well i have a secret message for you and he didn't match with you no he sounds like he's so fucking funny bad sense of humor funny that is so funny and that's for i don't have his name saved you have um you do well with answering prompts i i would so back in my back in my dating profile days two months ago no a month and a half ago um no i'll say two months ago because i stopped going on it uh like immediately

after I met my boyfriend I just didn't care I was just like man I don't really well I asked you because when you guys like I think it was your second date and you were like I feel like I'm gonna like this guy and then I was like well do you feel like you want to like spread like do the whole thing that we talk about with like having like a second and a third so that like you have a little bit of weight distribution and you were like no I wouldn't feel genuine yeah I knew that I was like she's gonna end up in a relation she's deleting those dating apps and here you are um this guy's answer oh i saw this on your twitter um this guy i'm weirdly attracted to modesty welcome to the holy hour yeah you would not like us it turns out yeah i just hate that so much

i hate i'm i also feel like women who are modest like in their dress don't don't necessarily like i don't think a modest woman would like that answer no if that makes sense yeah like i think i think like girls who want to wear like big shirts and like i don't know be comfortable if they saw that answer they'd be like right eat my ass buddy i don't know a single woman that i can think of that would see that and be like yeah especially in seattle there are plenty of women who um like dress in a way that they're covered up yeah and like dress modestly and it's fashionable as fuck and they look really good yeah and they would not be cool with that answer i wish you had his whole profile i want

to see what he looks like uh i literally i he wasn't cute i do remember that because i remember seeing that you tweeted that answer and you're like it's not a match i did yeah oh what the fuck i'm like acting like this is the first time i'm hearing this oh i thought you tweeted it to me i thought that's what you tweeted it well what the fuck now i need to go back and see maybe it'll jog my memory um i thought this was really funny unusual skill getting women back together with their exes that's really funny that's amazing oh i liked this one too i think this is the same guy um shower thought i recently had what if instead of calling them homework problems we called them homework opportunities

i like this guy those are clever answers yeah that's fun i like answers that show personality like that cool well do we sing on our way out of these i don't remember should we just do it oh it's like a different kind of it's more jazzy new testament oh a theme song offbeat snapping sounds like elevator music yeah i like that a new testament i wish people could see us Oh, yeah.