The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - 320: Felipe Esparza is Salma Hayek's Doppelganger
Episode Date: February 10, 2025My HoneyDew this week is comedian Felipe Esparza! Catch his newest special, Raging Fool, out on Netflix today, or listen to his podcast, What’s Up Fool? Felipe joins me this week to Highlight the L...owlights of becoming an official U.S. citizen—after 50 years of living here! He shares the complicated process of trying to gain citizenship after legal trouble and a hilarious story about how he failed the test the first time. We also dive into his journey of learning about Elizabeth Packard and hear his theory on what really happened at the Salem Witch Trials. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://youtube.com/@rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON - The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! Get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! AND we just added a second tier. For a total of $8/month, you get everything from the first tier, PLUS The Wayback a day early, ad-free AND censor free AND extra bonus content you won't see anywhere else! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew What’s your story?? Submit at honeydewpodcast@gmail.com Get Your HoneyDew Gear Today! https://shop.ryansickler.com/ Ringtones Are Available Now! https://www.apple.com/itunes/ http://ryansickler.com/ https://thehoneydewpodcast.com/ SUBSCRIBE TO THE CRABFEAST PODCAST https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187
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All right, that's it. You guys know what we do here. We highlight the low lights.
I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. I'm very excited
to have this guest back on the honeydew. Ladies and gentlemen,
Felipe Esparza. Welcome back to the honeydew, brother. What's up, everybody? We have a very
structured podcast. Thank you. I've been doing my podcast. We have 500 episodes. Yeah, I came out.
Am I allowed to say you're out by the airport? Yeah. Yeah. I loved it. We're not, we don't even know what we're not even structured like this.
Well, let's, let's stay structured real quick and stay on point.
I don't want to get his name on my hand.
Promote your new special right now.
My new special comes out February 11.
Raging Fool.
Today.
Uh, directed by my wife, Lisa O'Daniel Esparza.
Executive produced by my wife, Lisa O'Daniel Esparza
and Judy Marmel and Brittany, people at Liberty.
Thank you.
So out today on Netflix called...
Raging Fool.
Raging Fool.
It's Raging Fool like that movie, Raging Fool. Raging Fool. It's Raging Fool like that movie Raging Bull. Raging Bull, yeah.
Because when I saw Raging Bull, the movie,
I felt like, wow, man.
Like this guy's life was bad as a boxer.
He became a championship.
He got arrested for dating against young people.
But, and he got him all fucked up at a bar
but they so those women came in with a fake id now he thought he would in the night to come out
of the bar they were drinking in this bar anyways nothing to do with what i was talking about but um
when he had a rest he had nothing dude like he already, he has nothing dude.
Like he has nothing.
He had nothing else to do with his career.
Like he couldn't be a salesman.
He couldn't be a pretty much an actor.
This guy does stand up.
He's doing stand up comedy.
And, and um, and most of his jokes are, um,
I don't know, they're funny, man.
Like one of the jokes was real funny, man.
I got a guy catching his wife with another man.
The wife looks at him and goes,
great, now he knows.
Now the whole neighborhood are gonna know.
Big blabber mouth.
What the fuck?
But that was a dark funny joke that he goes, the wife gets caught with another man by her
husband and her wife for her respond was, great, blabbermouth catches us.
Now everybody's gonna know.
So he gets heckled for that joke because it belongs to somebody else. And he goes, you know, I used to box,
right? You're going to make it a comeback down there after the show. So he's threatening the
guy. But then he goes back to his room and he's by himself with a cigarette and he has lines from a movie and he's doing now a one man show after stand up.
So he's going red elephants, pink elephants.
It's going over and over.
He's doing the scene from, I don't know,
the movie with Marlon Brando where he's telling his brother
that he could have been a contender.
I could have been somebody.
I never really like these old, I never watch these movies, but when you watch them, man,
and they're very outdated as far as the acting goes because I guess people back then, they
were making movies to look like a stage play.
I think that car is called a streetcar named Desire.
Yeah.
So he goes, he tells him, man, remember that night
when you came into my dressing room and you said,
hey kid, this is not your night.
And he was ready to, he goes, not my night.
I could have beat that guy.
I could have ripped that guy apart, you know?
But I ended
up taking a dive and you um he ended up the guy ended up getting a shot at the
title and I got and I ended up and I got a shot to Palookaville and he tells me
brother cuz that's what we are we're bums but we ain't shit he goes you but
you got but then he goes,
I got you a good fight, but you don't understand, man.
I could have been somebody.
You were my brother, you didn't look out for me.
And that part always stuck to me like,
oh yeah, that's his brother.
And he didn't look out for him.
And like, and I'm thinking, wow, that's a good movie, man.
That's what makes it a great movie.
Because it's two brothers, and one of them doesn't give a fuck about the other one is did that happen in your life
If you want to replace up to a son hey, you know or you want to replace the
Brother you were my father you were there for me, okay, yeah.
All right, all right.
All right.
Well, I talk about it in my podcast,
I don't know if I were talking about-
Your podcast is called What's Up Fool?
What's Up Fool?
I don't even know, man, we have no structure, man.
We just, we need to have structure.
Sometimes man, I'm writing down questions
on the way to the podcast.
And I have them on the floor.
That's all right man, however you get it done,
it's all right.
Or sometimes the guest is not like a talkative person,
so we gotta like mess with him.
That's tough man, when you get that.
Are you good?
Yeah.
I get mad when we have a guest
and then they go to another podcast,
they're talking their ass off.
But in our podcast, nothing man, we're pushing.
But I know now, I know one guest that was thrown off
because I guess he's a gangster or a cholo
or he's been in like, he always plays a gangster in movies and we threw him off
because we're watching a video about why are you gay?
Why are you gay? So when he was not talking so much I turned over here and I said why are you gay?
Did he leave or did he stay?
But then he didn't speak about anything.
So then the question was, so we were locked up, right?
What was that like?
But that was after like, why are you gay?
But we were being funny, like maybe he'll play,
maybe he's in the video, but he's in a comment
where you guys didn't even let that guy talk.
He didn't wanna talk. Bro didn't have any business. You guys didn't even let that guy talk. You didn't want to.
Bro didn't have any.
You guys never let the guy answer the questions.
Well, let's talk about this because I had asked you coming in because I'm about to be
52.
I thought you were younger than me.
You look good.
You say you're 55.
We're talking about how like, you know, I do feel like as comedians and the life we've lived
with all the substance and the alcohols and the chicken fries and everything, the mozzarella,
all that garbage, we could look better, but I don't think we look as bad as we should.
And you talked about-
I think I look good, bro.
People say I look like Salma Hayek.
You do.
You look like a pretty Salma Hayek.
God damn it.
I sleep.
I don't know how she feels about it, but I like it.
That would make me feel nice.
I would like.
That would make me.
Ha ha.
Okay.
But you mentioned like going home
and you're like, we have a little more style
than some of the people back home.
For reals man.
Tell me about guys like you grew up with back in the day
and what it's like now.
If I go back home, I'll never hear my name being spoken
by anybody around the neighborhood.
Nobody's gonna say Felipe.
What do they say?
Batman.
Bad man?
Why? Because that's what they call me, they say? Batman. Bad man?
Why? Because that's what they call me, they call me Batman.
They're lucky.
Nah.
That's what they, oh look man, Batman, you made it, Batman.
You know, like the time and stuff like that.
But my friends, man, like I have a friend that,
when I was out, when I was out and out,
no, when I was part, when I was down and out, now when I was partying and like,
this guy, my friend was like, who I always hung out with,
I haven't seen him in a long ass time
and when they were hanging out,
this is before Last Comic Standing, before I won,
before 2010, maybe 2008.
This guy was living in somebody's garage.
Like, they were renting him out a garage.
But then I thought about it man,
growing up he lived right next door to me.
His house, his room was the part that opened like this.
So he's always been in the garage.
Like the carport?
Yeah.
He didn't have walls, he just had a roof.
That was his room? a garage. So like the carport walls. He just had a roof.
That was his room.
Man, let me tell you something. I have seats of weird shit here in LA.
I used to go hang out with some friends in Eagle rock. All right.
And in Eagle rock, they had this house across the street and these people,
I have no idea where they were from or whatever. They didn't give a fuck about their house, nothing.
They spray painted the fucking house number on the, above the door.
Just not even nicely, just like tagged it like 1716 or whatever.
Like, what the fuck?
And they didn't have air conditioner or anything like that.
So one night I'm outside, I'm smoking a joint on the porch
and I see like three, I don't know, middle school kids laying on the hood of this pickup truck. I'm like, what the fuck? And they're just giggling and laying, but they're laying there. So I go
down, I talked to them like, what are you guys doing? They're like, well, there's a lot of people
in our house. There's like 12 people there. We don't have air condition. It's hot as shit.
We're just going to lay out here and sleep on the truck.
But I was like, you're all going to sleep outside tonight on this truck
hood right in the driveway. Like, yeah.
I was like, man, have fun.
Have fun. Wow.
I didn't have air conditioning to 2010.
That's when you first got it.
Yeah. When I won last coming standing, we moved into a place that had AC.
And that a big deal. Yeah, man I won last comment standing, we moved into a place that had AC. Isn't that a big deal?
Yeah, man.
We have no AC, man.
I remember just opening up the refrigerator
and just standing in front of it.
Yeah.
We had a house that was so hot, Felipe.
My dad would go to work.
We put a thermometer on the wall,
and it would go well over 100 degrees in the house.
We're like, dad, and finally. my dad waited though. My dad was smart.
He's like, wait till, wait till we divorce mom and then we'll get that air
and he waited until she got out and then we got air conditioning down.
But we had an attic fan. Did you ever have one of those? No, we had no fan. Man.
This thing was a ceiling fan. It was bullshit.
It was supposed to suck the hot air up. No, my grandmother's house
in Baltimore, a row home, we would get in a shower. It's so humid. You're sweating in the shower.
You know what I mean? You get out and you're like, what do I even do that shit for? And then you get
air conditioning. You're like, oh my God. That's a big deal.
We had one of those fans with no gate on it, no fence.
So we were like bored, right?
My dad was watching soccer, we didn't like soccer.
So we would take turns trying to stop the fan with our hands.
Yeah, yeah.
That's awesome.
Just right in it.
We'll start the fan while we're holding it.
And then turn it on and then see
who could I hold it along with and stop it.
And he's just sitting there watching soccer?
Boring soccer.
I like soccer now but back then I didn't like it.
What were some of the things you did for yourself
when you first got money then?
I mean, and listen, I'm not sitting here.
Got a new teeth, fixed my teeth.
Like I say, yeah, there you go. go there you go you look good yeah yeah what else
when you first like started doing things how'd you take care of yourself you took
you got your teeth did you buy a home or anything like that or you go on a
vacation no I took the what I took me a while cuz I only one like when I want
to come and stand it was a quarter of a million dollars. Was it?
Yeah. But then, um, my son's mom filed for child support.
So she became the last baby mama stand.
Yeah.
Listen, I also noticed for me, bro, 50, 20% minimum off the top to reps.
Uncle Sam comes in. So then she's coming to get what off the top to reps. Uncle Sam comes in.
So then she's coming to get what's the net.
Yeah.
But she was, um, she tried, um, but she found that the next day, like she
was rooting for me, like, I don't know.
I don't normally like your dad, but I'm a vote for him.
Did she really the next day
Your teeth weren't even done yet
I
Could have broke my teeth open the envelope
So NBC like they I didn't have a manager then or an agent.
And I had an agent but he was more like theatrical,
so he didn't really count.
So NBC approached me, like the main heads, the big shots,
and they put me to the side, he goes,
that the county of Riverside just put us
as child support on you.
They're trying to get the whole check and then cut you a check.
So what you should do, they gave me advice.
They said you should incorporate yourself so that we could write the check to the corporation
and then the corporation could write a check to child support and then you don't lose out.
And I never, never would have thought of nothing like that. So I did it, man.
Did that work? Yeah. Did now, did they have to serve you? Did you have,
you're a public figure too at that point. So it's easy to find you.
Oh, they've been serving me my whole life. I've been not open to envelopes.
Wait, they give them to you, just don't open them.
That's how I dealt with jury duty forever.
I, I studied Al Capone in high school and he said something one time that,
that stuck out to me and he was like, um, you, you don't have to go to jury duty.
And I'm starting to, I'm studying what a summons is cause it's always a
summons and a summons is a,
hey, we'd like you to come to court. A subpoena is, you better have your fucking ass in court.
It's always a jury summons. He said, I refuse to be judged by a jury of my peers that are too
stupid to get out of jury duty. I was like, well, how do you get out? And he was like,
you just say you never got it. You don't sign for it. Nobody hands it to you. The mailman puts it
in the mail. He probably didn't that day. Oops, he forgot. You moved. It's in an old address.
So man, I would take those motherfuckers, I would throw them in the trash,
Felipe, for, listen, seven, eight years. Then one day I get an all red one. I mean,
all red, everything. But I'm like, oh shit. And it's a subpoena now. Now I gotta come in for jury,
dude. I'm like, oh fuck. So I go in, this black lady's working at the window and I hand her my thing, you know,
and she goes, got one of these, huh? And I was like, Oh man,
I'm doing the whole well some. And she's like, that's, you're accurate,
but good luck telling them that. What does the red one mean?
It meant you better fucking have your ass here. Now we've been trying to get a
hold of you for years and you've been dodging it or avoiding it and we fucking now have a current address on you.
You better come serve your fucking time.
You know what?
Harmful. Can you write on that letter?
Don't live here no more and put it back in the mailbox.
I was just going to get it over with.
And you know what happened? What?
I got stuck on a fucking jury case downtown Los Angeles
for the month of February, four weeks.
And it was a fucking case like wiretaps.
They had guns, ARs and shit in the washers and dryers.
This is two million in cash at a Jack in the Box minivan.
I was on that thing.
That's what I get.
I was on that shit.
So you were part of a jury for robbery?
Like a whole, no no a whole drug ring
These were just people they were grabbing and and dude they were doing the old-school
Like they would like if you're in the jury box, they would look at you
It and it freaked all it's an old-school mafia trick
But there were all these guys were Italian or Mexican. These are Mexican gang members for sure. Big time right? Big time And they were like, these guys were Italian or Mexican? No, these were Mexican gang members for sure.
Big time, right?
Big time.
And they were like, in what city?
It was out, like, I want to say it was out in like Pomona or something like that.
They brought them in.
And, and every time, cause you know, when you go to a jury, dude, you gotta say, my
name's Felipe Esparza.
You gotta say your shit.
And they're just, they look in your eyes and when you say it, they go, I think they're
writing it down.
And you, you're like, what is?
And then the jury's open, you know, courts, anyone could come in.
So the, their gangbanger friends are right there too.
And it's, it, it terrified the jury.
I would have gotten out of that jury right away, man.
You couldn't.
They asked me, what's your name?
Philippe Esparza.
And I would have said something like, listen, man, we know these
motherfuckers are guilty.
Why are we going through all this?
Why are we wasting a lot of money, city money?
Well, we know they're guilty.
This whole charade is a waste of time.
You're right though.
They had them on wire, they had them left and right on everything.
Man, I was hanging out on a bus stop one time and I was like leaving work and they
pulled over a guy, a random and they pulled over a guy,
a random police officer pulled over a guy, LAPD.
And they're searching the guy's car
for fucking all kinds of stuff, right?
The guy opens his thing.
What is this?
He thought he had drugs,
and he started pulling out.
He pulls out a wire.
The LAPD fucked up an investigation
right in front of my face.
Nah, you saw that?
Yeah. So the guy had nothing.
So the cop had to release the guy, ignore the wire probably.
Now the guy knows the other wire.
So he knows. I don't know what was the process where the guy should put the car
to feds right now and let them know we found the wire.
You're seeing that. I watch it in a bus stop.
And they're like opening his Cadillac
and they're like pulling the wire out
because they thought he had drugs or something, right?
Yeah, but the LAPD messed up an investigation.
So he's being wiretapped, man.
Yeah, for something.
Yeah.
How many times you've been arrested, ever?
Never, man. I've been arrested for,
only for like not paying tickets,
a jaywalking ticket that went five years,
so now it's worth a lot of money.
And where do they get you?
When they get-
Downtown Los Angeles.
But I mean where do they pick you up?
Like what do they catch you for and then go,
oh you got all these jaywalking tickets and shit?
Oh when I was young man.
Cause there's a warrant out for you,
is that what it is?
Oh, the police randomly search people.
Oh yeah.
When I was a kid, I lived in a housing projects
and I don't know how many acres is,
but it starts off on Mission Avenue by 101 Mission
and it goes all the way to Sixth Street
and Anderson, which is the factories.
So the cops, 25 cops, they will walk from Anderson,
from Mission, and they'll just randomly walk
to the back of the projects.
Oh, just 25, I'm on foot.
I'll pull like a beat, beat cops.
And they'll start, and if you look crazy,
they'll ask you for an ID.
I never had an ID.
And they would run my name and go,
oh man, they'll be looking for you.
Is that what it is?
That's how they get you?
But they can't do that to me no more.
I became a US citizen.
Are you officially a citizen?
Yeah, man, last three months ago.
Oh, fuck yeah.
Well, welcome to the fucking country.
Now I could commit crimes without the fear of deportation.
Can you vote?
Yeah.
You can vote.
I could vote.
Here's why I want to ask.
If you have felonies or anything like that, do they carry over?
No, you can't be a felon and be a US citizen.
Oh, is that right?
I didn't know that.
No, you can have a green card and be a resident alien
with a criminal record.
I don't know if you can commit a record,
I don't know how that works,
but you can't be a US citizen with a criminal record.
And I found out the hard way, man,
was something I should have taken care of
when I was on Last Comic Standing.
Like what?
When I was on Last Comic Standing, they what? When I was on Last Comic Standing,
they were gonna kick me out of the show.
Oh, because you weren't a citizen?
No, because they hired lawyers
to do a private investigation of the comedians.
Oh, is that right?
So they can have no, like, child rob child or a bank robber or a
Bookie on the show who's a hardcore criminal
So they did a background check on everybody man everybody so when they came back to me
They said that you have um three bench warrants on you and a rest on site
Arrestal sites out there, you didn't know it?
They didn't know.
A rest on site.
So like, and my head started spinning like.
They're fucking selling my high,
I can pull a sidewalk somewhere.
Yeah.
So they didn't know that, they were looking for me.
Yeah.
So I just told the guy, I said, man,
like anybody, that ain't me, it ain't ain't me man. No man. That's your name
Yeah, it could be my name
Anybody got my name?
But it can't be me. You know, they had the social security number and the right birthday
It goes that my brother probably stole my identity and he got arrested and used my name because they had done that before
and he got arrested and used my name. Cause they had done that before.
So, yeah.
So I had to get a hold of his daughter
and she sent me a picture of him.
And I sent it to them.
And they checked the photo to the arrest photo,
arresting photo and it wasn't me.
Because my brother, he had never had a Yahoo or a Facebook
or nothing to eat like, he like Jason Bourne, bro.
He's just off the grid.
Off the grid completely.
So what I do in my US city,
so I cleared that up and I got a last comment standing
and I won.
But I never fixed that.
That's something I should have taken care of when I won.
I never doubt with that.
So I just walked around with a bench war still.
And a rest on site for how many years?
So 2010 to 2023.
13 years.
Idiot, idiot.
So doing my US citizen test.
Is there any any service out there
that we could enter our information in
and see if there's some shit out there on us
where there's an arrest on site
for 13 fucking years out there?
It's crazy.
Yeah, man, so.
So it didn't.
You're sorry, you're doing your citizenship test.
Didn't let me in Canada the last time.
Really?
They say I was arrested recently, right?
So, oh man, there's a problem here.
So, when I did the, I met a fan on the show
and he works with, he's a lawyer for immigration.
Okay.
So he helps immigrants.
So I hired him and I said,
bro, I wanna do my citizenship test.
So, they do the background check and I'm honest, bro.
Like, you gotta be honest. Like, you've been arrested, yes, these are the dates. and I'm honest, bro. You gotta be honest.
Like you've been arrested, yes, these are the dates.
No, there's more dates.
No, that's not me.
So I really got to think if that really was me.
Is it me?
Because there's stuff that you gotta weigh with,
but you never got arrested for.
How do they know that?
So now I had a deport on site.
Damn.
So it was no more-
He found that out for you?
Yeah, so it wasn't a arrest on site no more.
You're just gone.
It was deport.
So they would have picked me up,
regular guy that's coming standing.
They could have deported me back to Mexico.
And where do you go for that?
Like detainment first somewhere before they-
Well, I have to do it, especially now.
So they did more investigation and FBI,
and they found out that that was my brother again.
It was.
Yeah, so I cleared that up this time.
Yeah.
No shit.
So I cleared that up, And no criminal record now. They found out that I was all this whole time with him.
So I had to learn now.
No, that cleared up, right?
So now I got to learn 100 civil questions about civics.
I firmly believe most Americans would fail that test the first time through.
Fail hard, bro.
First of all, I didn't know my local civics.
I didn't know who the mayor was to the fucking fire.
I don't think most people did.
I thought it was Joe Villarigosa.
Who's it say on the way down the escalator in LAX? That's how I know.
And they keep saying bass. I said this is a fucking white lady. They care about us.
But it's a black lady. So I didn't know who the mayor was.
Wait, how long have you lived in Los Angeles? My whole life.
Right. Yeah. Okay. I didn't know who the speaker of the House was. I didn't know who the two branches of the Congress,
I didn't know none of that.
But it's, you gotta know 100 questions.
Isn't it three?
Because they're gonna ask you,
I don't know how many they're gonna ask you,
but you can only get four wrong.
Oh, four.
Out of how many, 100?
100.
But they're gonna randomly ask you like just 10 or 7. They decide. So I was, and I
had my lawyer with me when they were in the questioning. And I thought that I was being
a comedian, bro, which I shouldn't have done.
Which I shouldn't have done.
Because they asked me, I didn't know the question. And they didn what's the answer motherfucker? And they didn't laugh, bro.
What's the answer motherfucker? So they asked me, who's Susan B. Anthony?
Bro, blanked out on that one, bro.
Look at me, I'll tell you, bicentennial,
something about the bicentennial.
He's on a call.
I just, I knew I had the wrong answer,
so I tried to be funny again. I said, that's the white lady who drowned her kids and blame it on two Puerto Rican guys
I look at my lawyer that day we got her bro nothing
So that was that was the wrong one and I'm not even gonna smile. He just went. Pfft. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I went in a rabbit hole bro, but who the fuck's Susan B. Anthony is? Tell us, tell us who Susan B. is. She's a woman who fought for civil rights for women in America,
so women can have the right to vote in 1921.
And I didn't know that women-
So you actually know that.
So it's a whole bit now,
because I didn't know that women could vote,
they couldn't vote in 1921.
I guess that was when America was great.
We've been fucking up ever since.
But I went in a rabbit hole on women, right?
Because you know, as a stand-up comedian, you just talk about, well, I'm a Latino guy,
so I got to talk about being Latino or life in my neighborhood, being an immigrant, being
Mexican-American.
Life as an American, how I know it.
But you never thought to think about, you know, how the struggle of women
So we're in a rabbit hole brah. I found out that the women they were burning in Salem
There was a fully witches. Yeah, they were not witches side bitches
Yeah, bro, no grams were not fucking around bro
like I'm not fucking around, bro. Like, the fucking like, oh, it didn't rain,
we get no corn, side bitch, she's a witch, killer.
And, or you got pregnant and it's a pastor,
side witch, kill this bitch.
So then, I think I found out that they stopped
burning women for being witches or fake witches, you know.
Or a woman had a thought, you know,
an idea. I have an idea. You do because you're a witch, burner.
Yeah.
So 1860, bro, was the first time that a white man put his wife into an insane asylum. It
was Elizabeth Packard, bro. She was thrown into an asylum for heaven
for trying to be independent.
She must be crazy.
Yeah, she must be crazy.
You're right.
That was the first time somebody said,
"'Bitch, you're crazy.'"
Yeah, yeah, for real.
That lady's like, what?
It was 1860, bro.
I got an idea.
Elizabeth Packard, bro,
they put her into an asylum for trying to be independent.
Trying to have a thought. I saw that bitch reading yep which which brings me back well
because if other than a father not know where to a rabbit hole learn that I
would have never got that episode of Family Guy which I saw later on after I
went to my brother because there's a episode of family guy with Peter is that a
carnival and they have an old-time mom one of those picture at picture but the machine you know
the machine is not a it's pre film but it's a bunch of pictures. Yeah. It's a picture show, right?
That's what they call it, the picture show,
because it was pictures moving.
The black and white, no sound.
Yeah, it was pictures moving.
So, oh, Peter goes, oh, look at this old-timey porno.
And there was a woman voting.
Ha ha ha ha.
Go, you rebel, you, you rebelizer, you.
So yeah, man, I'm a US citizen now.
What made you want to do it?
Like why wait?
You were born here?
No, I was born in Sinaloa, Mexico.
So what age did you come here?
When I was like three or four.
So you're talking 50 years you've been here.
What made you finally say I'm gonna do this?
Because I'm not gonna live in Mexico ever. So, and I'm a US citizen. I love America.
This is the only place I ever known. And I married a white woman, didn't work out. Like
I used to, like they thought it was in the movies. Like in a movie, you marry a white woman,
you become a US citizen? Bullshit.
I found out that she can't be from Ohio.
Why couldn't you be a citizen for marrying a citizen? I always thought that, you know, in the movies.
That's not true. You can't.
You have bullshit.
If you marry a citizen, oh, you do have to have a kid. Is that what it is?
I don't know what it is.
A child. Is that what it is?
I guess you have to be like kid? Is that what it is? The child, is that what it is? I guess you have to be real, freshly from another country,
but I don't know, it didn't work out that way.
So I have a new name now, man.
I thought my name was Felipe Esparza,
it's a long time.
So apparently my mom, when she wrote my birth certificate,
she just decided not to write the whole name, My mom, when she wrote my birth certificate,
she just decided not to write the whole name.
It was too long, so she just wrote Felipe Esparza.
So when I became a US citizen,
my real citizenship, my American citizenship,
naturalized citizenship, it has my full name.
I tried to go to the airport, bro.
They thought I stole somebody's identity.
They didn't want to have to prove that that was me.
Because my name is Felipe de Jesus Esparza Serna.
That's your full proper name.
And I never used that name.
And your mom just put Felipe Esparza.
Did you know this was your full name?
Yeah.
You did.
But I never used it,
and I didn't use my mom maiden name.
So your driver's or your ID, whatever is Felipe Esparza.
No middle name.
No middle name and no my mom's last name in the back.
I see.
So now I have Serna too.
So Pepe Serna the actor, I think we're related.
Wait, so what's your whole name when you-
Felipe de Jesus Esparza Serna.
And you had to prove it was actually-
That's why I couldn't be a football player, bro.
They couldn't fit my whole name in a jersey.
There's no way, dude. There's no way, man.
Pronouns is my name.
Hahahaha!
Your whole last name is a they them.
Hahahaha!
It's a L-L-L-Ella.
I never thought about that.
The pronouns, do they have them in Spanish?
Do they translate?
Like, what are they, he and she?
Ella.
Ella and ella.
Ella, ella, ella.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Ella, Ella, chingada.
I'm getting lost with it.
I have a friend of mine that just, he's a special ed teacher in, I won't say where,
a school for middle school, I want to say, high school maybe.
And they hired a new teacher and they said, hey, he's, I grew up with this dude in Maryland,
like it's a big football player and everything.
So the principal came to him and said, hey, we have to let you know we hired a new teacher
and she's trans.
And to his credit, he looked right at him and he was like, okay, what are her pronouns?
And they were blown away that he was even that, like, and they said, well, here's the
thing.
They don't go by pronouns.
He's like, what do you mean?
And he doesn't want to be called.
So there's a new thing called mix.
I'm just learning about this one, mix.
He's telling me about this.
They don't want to use the Mr. or Mrs. So eliminating the R and the S, male, male female is now just MX.
So there's no more R or RS and it's mix.
And he was like, huh?
And he's so confused.
I'll be honest with you, so am I.
I have the first time I've ever heard a mix before.
I've heard Latin X.
I guess the Asian version is MSG.
Misogynist.
Do you feel your life's going to be different now as a citizen?
Yeah, you did it at the right time, bro.
You snuck it right in.
You snuck it right in.
Whoa.
You sure did.
Cause they're coming hard right now.
Coming hard, bro.
You think if you weren't, you think you would have to go?
I was more afraid during Obama than I was now.
Well, that's what I've, I look, I am not a political guy.
Obama than I was now. Well, that's what I've, look, I am not a political guy.
Me neither, bro.
But I have read that Obama deported more people
than any US president ever.
He was picking up Mexicans, bro,
like that little claw, bro, from the arcade.
The Toy Story machine.
When he left, he was called deporter in chief.
Is that right?
See, but he just did it without fanfare and tweets.
The Democrats move in silence.
Yeah.
Yeah, but my father, he became a US citizen
during President Obama.
He did?
Yeah. Okay.
And I didn't, so many rules, man.
I didn't know that if you've been in this country 25 years or more as a, as a resident
alien, you could take your citizenship class in your home language.
So if you're like Spanish, you could take it in Spanish or Portuguese, Portuguese or
Chinese, Chinese or whatever.
And I was like, whenever I was taking my test
and I got them all wrong, I looked at my dad and said,
there's no way you got them all right the first time.
I bet you if it was in English,
you would have got them all wrong.
I was trying to throw my dad under the bus.
I was like, No way, man.
I'm like, no way. I'm like, no way.
I read English.
I forgot who Susan B. Anthony was.
I read English.
I don't know where this guy knew who Susanna B. Anthony was.
Susanna.
I don't know where he knew who Susanna B. Antonia was.
Santa B Antonia's was.
That come from a place where heterosexual men the women have to cook.
There's no way he would have got that one, man.
No, he didn't give a shit about that.
He's like, I'm definitely gonna get one.
How am I allowed to get wrong four?
Here's one.
Yeah.
So, I mean, I know you want to be here.
You don't want to go back. You love the US, but is that the only reason you did it?
Make sure you're safe?
Or did you really want to just,
is it something you've always thought about doing?
It's something I always thought about, you know,
like I've been here this long.
What am I waiting for?
Yeah, you're almost your whole life.
Yeah. Yeah. Get to vote. But do you have dual citizenship I've been here this long. What am I waiting for? Yeah, you're almost your whole life. Yeah.
Yeah.
Get to vote.
Do you have dual citizenship now?
I think I do.
Yeah.
I think I do.
I'm gonna have dual citizenship in Amsterdam too.
Will you?
How do you do that?
I don't know, but I met an American over there.
Shout out to the Dutch Oven Podcast.
That guy from Beaverton, Oregon, white guy, comic,
and he found a program where you can go live in Amsterdam
and get residents if you just prove
that you're gonna sustain yourself.
Like you can't come in there saying,
I'm gonna go like they do here. You can't come in here and say, and I'm gonna go, like they do here,
you can't come in here and talk about,
I'm gonna look for a job, I'm gonna find a job,
you're gonna have money already.
I see.
So he came in saying,
well I'm a self-employed comedian,
and he said that I have my own podcast, my own crew,
whatever, you know, he wrote it down and said,
okay, you can stay.
And then he moved there.
And now he's starving.
And if you,
it's the same over there too.
Well, he's living with like 10 people, bro.
Got good healthcare.
Wait, so it's only one year you stay for a year?
Yeah, you gotta, I don't know how long he's been there,
but now he's about to get full health
and he's about to get the full benefit
as a Dutch resident
But I went to do his podcast, but it looked like he was living in a Dutch projects. Really?
I looked around bro. You know how what you from Baltimore? You know what project look like? I do
But instead of a basketball, it's in this Europe. They had a soccer soccer field. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense
Yeah, it does and man, I know the house is so narrow, you know, like there's no elevators.
So everything has to go into a crane through the window.
Oh, that's how they get it up.
I noticed this time, but I saw a hook.
Oh, that's where the OK, I see.
So the hook on top of the building with the rope
and they pull up your couch and stuff up. Damn, that, I see. So the hook on top of the building with the rope and they pull it up.
All the furniture stuff up.
Damn.
That's, that sucks.
Um, you were doing stand up in Amsterdam.
No, it's new.
I've been to Amsterdam when I was 16.
I played soccer for the U S I made a team.
My brother and I made these like a development team.
We were good.
And I got to go over there for a month, Europe.
And we stayed in Amsterdam and Rotterdam two different times.
And I loved, I've never done stand up there, but I really loved being 16
in this fucking Amsterdam was wild.
You know, bulldog cafe.
We're going to the red light district.
We're just kids getting wasted.
We didn't win one game.
We got in trouble every day.
But you're in Amsterdam.
We lost every fucking game.
You're sleeping three hours, how are you gonna win?
Felipe, our first day there, we, you know, those,
like you said. You had supervision though?
We had chaperones and you know, shit like that,
but our first day there, our first game,
we go right down the field, score, like that.
We were like, we're gonna fuck these European kids up.
They whipped our ass.
Like we got lucky.
We realized, oh, we got lucky on that goal.
We didn't win one game.
We played for a month, like three a day.
We got our ass fucking handed to us, dude.
I remember getting my ass beat that bad too.
I was in a little youth semi-pro league baseball game.
Team was 16 and over.
Okay.
So you could be 30 in our team.
16 and over.
Yeah.
So it was semi-pro.
Your dad could play with you.
So we get to this park, Salazar Park, in Pico Rivera, bro.
And these guys are dressed black and orange, OK?
That's the colors.
Tigers, I guess.
And they're like men, bro.
They're seniors.
They're like men.
And then we're all like, we're going to fuck these motherfuckers
up, or we're going to fuck them. And we had our best pitcher, bro.
His first pitch, that fucking ball flew to East Los Angeles, bro.
It was screaming, chinga to Madre on that ball.
It just went, they fucked us up, bro.
Like they were having batting practice with us.
It felt like, it felt like, it felt like sooner or later the umpire was gonna say, listen man,
I'm only gonna, I'm only gonna hire for two hours, bro.
Everybody batted twice.
I was only hired for two hours.
In the inning?
You batted twice in the same inning?
Yeah, bro, they fucked us up
And then we we came to bat
18 guys
struck out us
everybody broke
like yeah, like
He got nice straight outs bro
Like he struck out the side and he only only one person two people he didn't strike out man
They beat our ass and they were drinking before the game. They were getting fucked up
Some of them were playing with boots
boots
Have a full uniform bro, like the guy had a Dodger shirt for UPS pads
FedEx shirt. Yeah with a soccer shirt.
They fucked us up, bro.
One of my favorite, favorite teams to support and watch
was this team called the Dirty Sox.
All right, so a buddy of mine played in like this adult,
competitive softball league, and I happened to go back
to Maryland, this is a little while back,
and he's like, come see me play this fucking game
I'm like, I'm not coming to watch you play softball. He goes listen to me. We play at the old prison by where we grew up
I'm like, do you play the inmates?
He's like we do that prison is a minimum security prison at this point now when they're about to put you back out there
In the society, it's a laundry camp.
That's right by Springfield hospital in Maryland.
And they have a softball team. They call themselves the dirty socks.
They're a laundry facility.
These are all fucking inmates are out there.
Felipe every game they're I'm like, why are they even in your league?
How do they play?
Is like every game is a home game for them, man.
You got to go to prison and play. So this side of the like FET, the right field, uh, first base right field side
is where you can, if you're a free, you can sit out here, but then there's just
prison right here and all the way around and you can't get over there.
Beth, they talk so much shit, dude.
It's so they don't care that your kids are out here.
It's so much. Are they good? kids are out here. It's so much.
Are they good? They're all right.
They won that game. They're all right.
They're not bad. But but also they turn on each other.
Like if we're prisoners and you strike out, they're like, fuck you, Flipe.
Yeah, shit, man. You're just jogging back, you know, like that kind of shit.
She me one of the angels.
We got inmates fighting fires over here.
Yeah. They let inmates out to fight fire.
Yeah, man.
I know two fire camps when I was a kid.
What do you mean?
There were two juvenile fire camps.
What is that?
Tell us what that is.
Well, one of them is for like juvenile kids.
Like kids who are like 12.
Well, if you're a kid, you get sent to juvenile hall.
So this one is called Camp Scott Fire Camp.
And it's on the Angeles National Forest.
So it's a bunch of inmates,
but they're all juvenile kids.
So what they do, when there's no fire,
they clear out the fire trail for the firemen
in all the mountains.
All right, they clear it all out clean.
So they clear brush, is's basically what they do,
but they never get involved with fire, they're kids.
But the male counterpart of them is what you saw
during the fires now.
I see.
And that's a real fire, they got firemen for the prison.
So there's a fire outside the prison
or nearby their volunteers.
So I had this whole bit, bro.
I didn't stay in Los Angeles,
I had to stay outside of Los Angeles.
I was in Connecticut.
I said, yeah man, they had people firing a fire
from Mexico, man, because they needed wet backs, you know?
And they were, but before we get the firemen
to come into the United States, they had to
wait for other firemen from all over the country, Sacramento.
They had to get inmates to come and fight the fireman.
And that was the first time I saw Bloods, Cribs, and Cholo stabbing the fire.
Like you should have seen these guys, They were sodomizing the fire, man.
And they were getting paid $5 a day to do this. So they were doing it for a bag of Doritos.
Is that really what they were getting paid though? Five a day,
$10 a day, you know, for an inmate to fight the biggest fire in the city's
history.
People say, well, $10 a day is too little,
but you got to think about the cost for that person to be there.
It costs money to supervise.
You gotta have a fireman who's not gonna fire a fire
to supervise the firefighters.
Then you gotta fucking transportation, gas.
This guy gets probably three meals a day in a prison,
probably has dental.
So $10 a day, man, it's pretty fair.
What if, I mean, you wouldn't get away with it or get far,
but you could fucking kill a fireman in there,
put his clothes on, and get the fuck out of there.
Bro, I was accused of blackface during the fires, bro.
What? Are you being real?
This restaurant in Sherman knows I've given out sushi,
so I put some ashes on me to go over there
standing in line like I locked the house.
some ashes on me to go over there standing in line like a lot of the house.
Ehh.
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh, man, dude. For some people, man, like, I have friends, you have friends, of course you have friends who lost a fire, right?
Who what?
You have friends who lost a fire,
who lost their homes?
I don't, my daughter, I don't know if I should say,
yes, we do know people who, I won't say who,
just in case they remember. A lot of casting directors
lost their fire, hopefully they lost my original photo.
Your original headshot.
There's a lot of evidence gone in these.
But since you've been living here a lot,
how long, 20 years in Los Angeles?
I've been here since 97.
So there's been a lot of fires in here, right?
The Thousand Oaks fire, I remember.
It's a fire, that's what I'm saying.
It's a fire season here now, they call it.
We live in the desert.
We have five seasons, and fire is one of them.
Fire is bad.
It's bad now. It's been bad, but it's worse now. And now you got this one right here.
So where we are, I don't want to say too close, but up there, we have a brand new one now.
My brother's high school was burned down. He used to get bussed to Pacific Path of Hays High School. Oh, is that right? My brother's high school was burned down. He went to, he used to get bussed
to Pacific Path of Hays High School.
Oh, is that right?
Yeah, so his school was burned down.
Yeah, my daughter does camps and schools there and stuff,
and I was telling her, like, it's gone.
All of it's gone.
You ever have any scares like that growing up?
Earthquakes.
Yeah, yeah.
Tell me about the first one you remember.
Oh man, the first one was the Whittier Narrows earthquake. It was 7.1, 7 point something.
And it shook the housing projects.
And you're downtown and you're getting it like that.
Yeah, man. It shook. And I was hungover from the night before. So I slept at my mom's house
and I was hungover and it was shaking, right? But I tried to sleep through it. So when I ran out, bro, my feet were all cut up
from my mom's crystal that she saved up there
for special occasion that never shows up.
All that shit fell.
All those punch stuff that we never used.
All those cups we never used.
That punch said the dip, the dip thing, man. A minute man made of crystal it all broke bro. I was like
Like Bruce Willis and diehard bro picking up glass, you know, yeah
My sister was on her way to school with my brothers on a scoop on a public bus
She said that the bus driver ran out of the bus and left him in the bus. Get the fuck out. He just panicked and took off.
You can't do that to the busload of kids.
I remember that there was.
That's crazy dude.
You get bowed down bro.
That's crazy just that fucking open the door and ran right the fuck out.
Ran in the projects.
Wait, how high are you up at that time?
Are you up pretty high?
Are you closer to the ground and where you live?
I live in the flats.
They call it the flats back then.
So it's flatter. Two stories or just one?
There's hills above us, but we live in the bottom.
But you could see it rumbling.
It was so bad, because there was aftershocks afterwards.
They were like six,5", 5'9".
So they were hit 4.7.
So people were afraid to go back in their homes because of the earthquake.
So we started making houses outside.
So our whole projects, it looked like a POW encampment.
Did it really?
Yeah, man, it looked like Valley Forge
during Washington, bro.
A bunch of tents, bro.
A little string and a blanket.
Yeah, a bunch of tents, bro.
Drug dealers were setting up tents, bro.
And then all the public parks were like that for a while.
There was no water, you couldn't use water,
so they were taking water out of any
faucet. Well, I came here in 94 the first time. I came here. Northridge earthquake. I woke. Okay,
so I was sleeping at my buddy's place, and I'm waking up to drive to California that morning,
and his mom is shaking me awake. Like, Ryan, you don't have a college. Your school's gone.
his mom is shaking me awake like, Ryan, you don't have a college, your school's gone. And I'm, you know, you put CNN on and I'm, I think I'm totally dreaming, you know? And I wake up and
I'm like, is this real? She's like, they just had an earthquake. And I had just been accepted to
Cal State Northridge. And I was like, holy shit. So I came anyway, like a moron. And I remember seeing
families in the park on the corner of Recita and I want to say Nordhof and the National Guard surrounding the perimeter.
Because people were homeless and fire just coming up through the fucking streets and literal faces of buildings just like tipped on themselves on the sidewalks.
And I was like, what the fuck? And I went to, I did a whole semester here
and they brought in those like trailers and shit.
So I lived off of, I lived off of Zelsa and Nordhof.
I don't know if you know the area.
I know the area.
Okay.
And I was right where the parking structure was down.
I lived in a, I ended up, I was supposed to be in a quad.
You were by the Red Lobster.
Yep.
I was supposed to meet three new people, you know, and have
roommates. End up fucking in this tiny little studio off the thing sharing a Jack and Jill bathroom
with a dude on the other side I never met. It was in, and we would get those, I was in a little twin
bed and that little bed would go, it would slide across the floor. I, to this day, man, they make
my fucking, I'll tell you, I like to think I'm a man.
I like to think I'm a fucking strong man.
But this was like 10 years ago,
there was an earthquake to hit right in Sherman Oaks
where I lived, like the fault line was right there.
And whenever you're closer to it, it feels, it's summer.
I got the windows open, I'm asleep,
but I'm just by myself before my daughter's born.
And that motherfucker hit, and I just got up and I said, God, no, I'm asleep, and I'm just by myself before my daughter's born. And that motherfucker hit.
And I just got up and I said, God, no, I'll never forget.
That's what I yelled and I started running like
I was like, you bitch, you fucking bitch out of a dead sleep.
It was God, no.
And I just started running like a book.
I hate him. I hate earthquakes. I know man. Just a sound
Yeah, and the way you got three kinds
You got the ones that do that you feel them coming and then you got the ones that wave like this
The way one like you live it long enough. You can feel it coming. Oh, yeah, you hear your glasses
Slowly, huh?
One that goes like this. Yeah. Yeah for for sure. And you're like, whoa.
We had a few last year.
You ever heard people say, oh, it's earthquake weather.
A lot.
Only when it's cloudy, right?
Yeah.
It's too hot.
And then it drops at night a lot.
Yeah.
But that has nothing to do with it, right?
And here's the, I don't, I'm fucking, listen, I know as much as apparently these people
out here-
It's riotous weather.
Let us burn though.
Yeah, yeah. All I know is they talk about this earthquake
hitting California and it's gonna fall off into the ocean
and the valley is gonna be oceanside,
but nobody's ever really talked about that same damage
being done by fire.
That's crazy.
That's what Malibu's gone.
The Palisades are gone.
All of Malibu is gone?
A big chunk of it, like Moonshadows, Dukes, all those big spots,
real in. They're all gone, dude.
We're lucky. And now there's one burning right outside right now.
Another one. Another new one. You can't, you drove through it today.
That area.
So all of Malibu, like even that Taco Bell by the ocean.
I love that it's the Taco Bell I love that. It's the Taco Bell
The best Taco Bell in the country we had never been there this Taco Bell Malibu you could eat a peanut cheese burrito
I've got a gas station right over next to me.
I 100% know that.
That was my go-to, bro.
Back in the day, I would get a bunch of weed,
and new hot chicks I'm dating, you know.
Take Cruzee, oh, look, that's my name right there
on Sunset, right there, from the Comedy Store.
And then we just cruise bro
All the way to Malibu and stop by that Ralph's in Malibu and buy the fried chicken right there take it to the beach
And then you know fucking pelican takes off with the chicken
Yeah, that's just all they know how to open snack packs they know how to open these birds in the beach
They know how to open chips They know how to open cliff bars They know how to open these birds in the beach. They know how to open chips. They know how to open cliff bars.
They know how to open KFC.
They'll take over your wallet and shit.
Dude, they do.
Just one time, man, you'll laugh at this, dude.
I'm driving, my daughter's really little,
and the babysitter at the time is like,
hey, my car just died,
and she lived like two blocks from us.
She's like, could you just take me back with you
and drop me off? I go, yeah, sure. We started driving. My daughter might be two or three. She
still remembers us because she brings it up. But all of a sudden out of nowhere, this full fucking
turkey sandwich hits my windshield. And I'm like, mother fucker. And I'm looking for the kid to
throw it. You know what I mean? I'm like, oh hell no. I do a circle back around. Listen, there's nobody.
I look up, it's this motherfucking bird.
Yeah.
Took somebody else's fucking shit.
That's fucked up.
Didn't like it and fucking dropped it. I mean, all over my windshield, dude,
I had to get out and wipe mayonnaise and shit off. I'm like, fuck this bird, man.
You ever see the video of those kids that gave, I think it's here in Venice,
they gave the Seagulls laxatives and they're just shit and oh, God,
everywhere on everybody.
Everybody's like, does that kill them?
It probably. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know.
They're shitting everywhere.
That was the old school pep.
Was it you give them Pepto and they blow up that they didn't do that.
They just gave them laxatives and made him shit everywhere.
And they're just shitting everywhere.
I can't believe that bird took over the sandwich.
A fool.
Like I imagine somebody's about to bite that, you know, I mean, it's full.
It's completely full.
No bites out of it.
And it's fucked.
It hit my window like a punk kid through that shit.
You know what I mean?
I was like, oh fuck, I got a babysitter and my kid in my car.
I'm like, let me go see who this is.
I know that the bird people, we gotta preserve the birds.
We're losing too many birds now, man.
You gotta teach these birds not to eat sandwiches.
That's what's fucking them up.
Dude, thank you for coming on here and doing this with me,
man. I always love having you on Felipe Esparza. Thank you for having me man, the honey dude, thank you for coming on here and doing this with me, man. I always love having you on, Felipe Esparza.
Thank you for having me, man.
The honeydew, that's the other one.
Yeah, the honeydew, bro.
It's not it.
Promote.
Go ahead.
You want to say something else?
On February 11th, when did this come out?
Today.
Today, man, watch my special on Netflix, Raging Fool.
Your podcast?
My podcast, History for Fools podcast, where we talk about the history of everything.
Me and my host, we read one book and then we talk about it.
The last episode was three weeks ago.
We talked about the 1916 uprising in Ireland when Ireland became a republic.
And then in 1922 when Irish had their own revolution when they fought the IRA, the IRA
did not like how the treaty that they signed, they fought each other.
Brothers against brothers, cousins killing cousins.
Your other podcast.
Oh, the What's a Fool podcast.
Also, man, if you speak Spanish, I have a Spanish podcast, a scripted podcast that I
did for Sonoro out of Mexico City.
It's called Nace una Leyenda, La Historia de Chisperito.
I did a documentary of a Spanish comedian.
Oh yeah? And I talked about his life and everything about him
and his writings and.
You narrated?
Yeah, and there's interviews with actual people.
Oh, that's cool.
And I just talk about it.
And I introduce it every day.
National leyenda, una podcast de sonoro
con Felipe Esparza.
Don't forget, my Spanish ain't that good,
so you might hear a little English every once
in a while.
All right?
Okay.
Listo?
Thank you, brother.
As always, Ryan Sickler on all your social media.
Talk to y'all next week. Thanks for watching!