The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - 332: Craig Shoemaker: What Comes Around, Cults Around

Episode Date: May 5, 2025

My HoneyDew this week is comedian Craig Shoemaker! Be sure to check out his newest book, Laffirmations: A 40-Day Cleanse. Craig joins me to Highlight the Lowlights of a life shaped by chaos, cults, comedy, and complicated family ties. We get into what it was like growing up with a scam-artist father who ran his own cult, the terrifying week-long kidnapping Craig survived at just 13 years old, and the emotional wreckage he's faced more recently after his wife left him and abducted their kids to join a cult of her own. With sharp wit, a survivor’s resilience, and a passion for mentorship, Craig shares what it truly means to find your voice when life keeps trying to silence it. SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://youtube.com/@rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON - The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! Get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! AND we just added a second tier. For a total of $8/month, you get everything from the first tier, PLUS The Wayback a day early, ad-free AND censor free AND extra bonus content you won't see anywhere else! https://www.patreon.com/TheHoneyDew What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail] Get Your HoneyDew Gear Today! https://shop.ryansickler.com/ Ringtones Are Available Now! https://www.apple.com/itunes/ http://ryansickler.com/ https://thehoneydewpodcast.com/ SUBSCRIBE TO THE CRABFEAST PODCAST https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187 SPONSORS: Rocket Money -Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to https://www.RocketMoney.com/HONEYDEW today.

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then current base monthly rate. Additional terms and conditions apply. Baltimore, I'm coming home. We're going to wrap the live and a live tour up Saturday, June 28th at the Horseshoe Casino. It's going to be a great night. I got Justin Schlegel from 98 Rock going be out there with me. We're gonna have some surprises. It's gonna be a really big deal. Get your tickets now at RyanSickler.com. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. ["The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler"]

Welcome back to the Honeydew y'all. We're over here doing it in the night pan studios. I'm Ryan Sickler. I want to say thank you as always. Thank you for supporting this show. Thank you for supporting anything I do. If you've got to have more than you know, you've got to hit that Patreon up the honeydew with you all. It is this show with you all and you all have the crazy. It's the best show on Patreon. It's five bucks a month. All right. Um, that's it. All right.

We're just going to jump right into it. That's the biz. You know, we do here, we highlight the low lights. I always say that these are the stories behind the storytellers and I am very excited to have this guest on today. First time here on the Honeydew, ladies and gentlemen, Craig Shoemaker. Welcome to the Honeydew, Craig Shoemaker.

Clap for yourself, brother. Do it, clap for yourself, Dan. I'm really excited to be with you. I mean, we go back a long way without going back a long way. We do, dude. You know what I mean? It's like ships across paths. I, well, we're gonna, before we do that,

plug, promote all and everything you'd like. Craigshoemaker.com's got everything, merchandise. I have a new book called Laugh-O-Mations, a 40-day Cleanse, because we really need to laugh these days. And it has doctor prescriptions on it. It's got some jokes with cartoons and where you can write down what made you laugh today. And it's really getting in touch with that part of ourselves. The seventh sense I like to call it is the sense of humor. I like that. Yeah, and so the Laugh-O-Mations book

and I've got other merchandise. I have t-shirts and mugs with some of my sayings. Unwoke AF is one of them and stuck between namaste and kiss my ass, which I know you can identify with that coming from where we come from and living in California. I live in that zone all the time. That is very well said.

You're a Philly guy. Exactly. And I got another one, stop global whining. I've had enough already. Wait, stuck between namaste and kiss my ass. There's the shirt. Oh, it's right here. I wore it for you.

That's great. And that's where I live. And I'm sure you're the same way. I don't know whether to embrace you or mace you. Hug you or mug you. That's where I live. And I'm sure you're the same way. I don't know whether to embrace you or mace you, or hug you or mug you. You know what I mean? But that's where I live. Even in traffic on the way here.

You wanna be namaste, you wanna be spiritual and conscious and all that, but there's another side of you, come here. You know, and that's the way I raise my kids as well. And you're working on a project with our buddy, Tim Duffy as well. What about laughter works with an ex? That's really exciting. I go to, I developed a whole program, a protocol of guided laffitation. You know, I have a hard time meditating. I

don't know about you. I'm going, oh, my stuff in the laundry. Whatever it is. Yeah, I can't shut this thing off. It's hard to sleep. But alone meditate. That's my meditation. Right. Just getting to sleep. Right. Exactly. But laffitation, it's just this, Right. Just getting to sleep. Right, exactly. That then I'll go. But with laffitation, it's just this, I do a guided laffitation for people. I started doing it in a cancer facility. And also do a thing called chuckle chatter, where you really

get in touch with yourself. It's like an explosion of consciousness that happens when you laugh. So I teach that. And anyway, we bring that to corporate wellness needs a sense of humor. And that's what we're bringing to them through these proprietary programs that I came up with.

And we have corporations and companies that are calling us now because people drop out of other corporate wellness programs. Oh, let's do the phony high five and all that kind of stuff, whatever it is. We're bringing laughter, which is the best medicine. Why has it not been deployed? And that's what we're doing. Yeah, they're throwing Koosh balls and shit around.

It's, he does feel so phony. It's not organic, but this is organic to laugh. What made you want to create these things? Well, I have been doing comedy a really long time, you know, at a nice high level. I mean, I really enjoyed that, but they're one-offs when you think about it. You're being a little bit humble. I'm a student of this game. So I know and have known who you are and how long you were in this space

and dominating and you're, I'm not, don't say this to how old are you now? You're going to ask me that? All right. I'm a woman. You look good. How old do you think I am? We'll start with that. I'm 52 and you got a few on me. I'm going to go 56. 56. Older than that. Yeah. Are you?

Yeah. I'm in my sixties. Are you? Dude, I said out there- First place I ever admitted it. Is that right? You look fucking great, bro. Well, I feel great. And I think laughter has a lot to do with it. Laughter really does have a lot to do with it. You know how long comedians live unless they get into drugs and alcohol.

Have you ever seen the list of like George Burns performing at 100, Don Rickles, Phyllis Diller, we just lost Bob Newhart, Dick Van Dyke is still alive. These people who are in the laughter business. Yes. I went and saw him a handful, maybe five, six years ago. He was in his 90s.

This dude was running around the stage. Yeah. Not just sitting in a chair. He got up, he moved left to right gracefully, not came. Right. And I was like, but I did look up. Look at Dick Van Dyke, he's like 99 or something. Like he's still doing the soft shoe and stuff.

He's still tripping over the hat. If you don't get into drugs and shit. Cause if you don't do that. I think the average life for a comedian, I looked it up and it's in the seventies, I feel like average life for a comedian, I looked it up and it's, it's in the seventies, I feel like for the average. Cause most people. You really looked that up?

I would have to go to chat, GPT. I don't know if there's a comedian, if they don't do drugs and alcohol on a regular basis. That's a really big one. But these old school comedians, Shecky Green, all those old, you know, they were in the nineties and hundreds because being around that energy is really uplifting and it's something that's,

there's something to be said about it for your health. And I've been around it my whole life. Yeah, I've been doing this professionally since junior year of high school. And I mean professionally, they passed around a hat at Ava Timmini's backyard when I was 17. Is that right? Yeah, that's my first pay.

But then I started working, you know, different places. Back then there weren't as many comedy clubs. I had to get up at strip clubs, bars with the mechanical bull and all that kind of stuff. Whatever it was, I'd just get up. The fraternity parties, put myself through college doing this. You look great, dude. Listen, the lady, Carlotta Wood, she's the voice of the honeydew. She has been on here a couple times and she told me a saying that I think about all the

time and it's, I'm glad I don't look like what I've been through. And that hit me. I was like, oh my God. Yeah. Oh, no kidding. You definitely don't look like what you've been through. We're about to get into it. I've been through a lot and some people still go through a lot.

I go to these reunions, my high school reunions. You do? I cannot look that old. There's no way I look like that person. So now I make fun of myself. I'm with my kids and I'll go, I'll see somebody who's like really decrepit and they're in their high nineties. I'll go, oh, that was my prom date because I realized these people are my age.

They look that old. I go, I babysat her. I have fun with my kids with that and they make fun of me, but I stay young because of my mind, my mom's the same way. My mom, she would kill me if I said her age, but my mom. Your mom's still alive? Yeah, I talked to her all the time. She's so funny.

I mean, we went a few years without talking and now I can't wait, you know, I'm gonna hang with her next week. And I mean, it's just such a great fun relationship because I just look to the fun of it, you know, not to be my mom, you know, traditional mom. She's not a traditional mom. It never was. She belly danced in my high school graduation party. I'm not kidding. Your mom belly danced at your high school.

I swear my kids, she went through a phase where she was Shahara Zahd, the belly dancer. Why do you got to bring it to the graduation? Well, my friends, all my friends, she was a, you know, she was like Mrs. Stiffler, you know, my friends, my friends wanted my mom. Of course they did. If this lady's belly dancing up here, I'd imagine I have the best recording. I wish I still had it, but it was me and my friend doing Cheech and Chow.

Hey man, we're passing the joint. What's up man? And the whole damn time you hear Don Dolan in the back room. Shoo, where's your old lady at? Where's your old lady at Shoo? Everybody had a crush on my mom. And then to top it all off, mostly guys were at the party. She got us a keg, the graduation party. And all of a sudden I hear the record. It was the belly dancing music. She's not going to do it. And I hear from the top of the steps, Craig, I have a treat for you and your friends. Treat? Oh, it was a treat. All right.

I'm behind the couch going, no, they're going, woo! Your old lady looks good. They're throwing quarters at her. She had a naval jewel, fingers, symbols, veils, putting the kids under the veils. And they're going, woo! And so, and she told me it's an art form. I go, these kids don't care it's an art form. They want your form. Yeah.

And yes, that's among many things. But she's always stayed young. She's not Scheherazade any longer. And she always says that's the biggest regret of her life because I went and talked about it on stage and stuff. How could you not? I know, but she sent me a cease and desist order. No. She works at a big law firm. A cease and desist came to my place.

Stop doing the belly dancing bit. So she works at a big law firm. People can do that to us. You can send a cease and to since to a comedian. I don't know that it had any effect, because here I am talking about it on this podcast. She's going to kill me for doing this. Hilarious.

And then my friends will meet her. People always want to confirm my stories, which you're going to want to confirm all the stories I'm telling you today. One time she comes to visit California, and my friend says to her, he goes, nice to meet you. And it was almost like soul motion. Did you really build it?

I go, no, it was high school grad. And she gets stiff and she goes, yes, I did. It's the biggest regret of my life because he blabs it everywhere. I said, mom, you should be happy that people, you know, you're young and, you know, it's, it's in fresh and original. That's certainly original. I've never heard that before. Never, never. And I never heard it since. We have a lot of things in common with different people, but that's one I do not have in common. Oh man. Well,

let's jump back to the beginning. So you're a Philly guy. Yeah. Philly guy. Born to our mom and dad, married and everything. He left when I was born. My dad. Something I said, wow. Wow. That was it. He's gone. He really did. He bounced. Yeah, he bounced. And I knew him all through the years.

Did he stay local? Somewhat. He would always come around with a new, if you want to get into it. The dude was an entrepreneur, which is a French word for scam artist. He always had some new multi-level marketing thing, but he sold the company. We want to get into it. The dude was an entrepreneur, which is a French word for scam artist He always had some new multi-level marketing thing But he sold vitamins the worst was and anytime I ever visited him. He made me work There was no way I could ever be with him

He's a narcissist unless I was doing something for him and he would come to visit and I would get all excited And he go shake my hand. I'd shake his hand and he goes, Barbara, this guy's got wussy hands. He needs man hands. He needs to work. So before he come after that, I would get an emery board, you know, a filing board. I would sand my hands until they were bloody.

So then we get callous before he was coming and I'd shake his hand and he'd say, he's got a rough hand. Good. Then he would put me to work. The worst one was converting cesspools to sewers. I mean, Cape May, New Jersey had a place down there and I was visiting him. And he puts me underneath these homes to attach, to build a tunnel. He would like cut off a shovel.

And he put me under there and I'd be under there like Shawshank Redemption. In 1966, I entered the frame, left Shawshank prison. All they found was a set of mother-of-prison clothes, a bar of soap, and an old rock hammer, and it went down to the nub. Craig trying to visit his daddy. And there I was. He'd be waiting at the other side of the tunnel. Nah, dude. How old are you? How old do you think you are here? I was like 12. I was like 12. And he would analyze every bit of dirt I grew up with. He was sitting in a chair and go,

that's a teaspoon you're pulling out of there. I was grunting and groaning. I wanted to make my dad happy and prove them. But it's cesspools to sewers. You talk about a shit job. Literally. There's literally a shit, I'm crawling in shit like Andy DeFrain.

Shaw said. So that he can make sewers under these houses? Did he really know what he was doing? There were cesspools and he would, yeah, my other job was, you're going to make you an estimator. What the hell's an estimator? And he would drop me in a neighborhood for hours with no food, no water, no phone,

to give people pamphlets, Tri-City Contracting, so they get an estimate to convert their cesspool to a sewer system. And I would canvas the neighborhood and he would leave me for hours. I didn't want to show him. I was crying. I'd be crying waiting for him on like somebody's stoop.

They would like feed me soup and stuff. They felt bad for this little kid. I was out of brochures and he would just leave me for hours at a time. That was my visit with my dad. Wait, that's the visit? That's my visit with my dad. That's the visit. That's my visit with my dad. That's that's like, that's, that's

his, that's his custody time with son. I had to go to work and this not even with you. He's not walking with you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no this together, building a business. Here's what you're going to do next. You're going to be an estimator, you're going to get out pamphlets, you're going to convert the cesspools to the sewers, get a shovel. He sawed the shovel off so I could get under there, underneath these homes. And everything was always about him. And the one that I didn't do though was he calls my mom, he goes, hey Barbara,

you want your child support check? I literally thought his name was Doesn't Pay the Child Support, when I was a kid, you never paid child support. And he'd always have a bribe. He'd go, invite your big breasted friends over. He's now selling bras, right? Bras meets Amway, right? It's a multi-level marketing pyramid system for bras. That's when he suddenly is in the bra business.

So I hadn't seen him in years at that time. He was like a leap year, dad. I'd say he was a leap year. All breasted ladies need bras too. He's only interested in the bra business. So I hadn't seen him in years at that time. He was like a leap year, dad. I'd seen him in a leap year. All Preston ladies need bras too. He's only interested in the big tippy bra. He only wanted the big hooters. Yeah, that's all he wanted, right? So he has my mother convince her friends.

So you have to understand. She's doing it. Bro, I hadn't seen him in a couple of years at that point. And I look in the living room, there he is smoking a pipe with my aunt Barbara, aunt Fran, not real aunts, aunt Dottie. Friends of my mom's, a lot of divorcees, there weren't a lot back then, but my mom had a little huddle of those.

There he is smoking a pipe going, come on, Dottie, show how it lifts and separates. They're all in bras. Yeah, this is our three class model for the full-figured woman. Smoking his pipe, he goes, don't be shy, it's just you women and me, and he's just him and he's women. And I'm just going, this guy's a genius. So that business went bust, no pun intended. But one after the other, after another vitamins,

fuller brushes, he just had, he's one scheme after the next. And he's managing to always at least keep his head above the water. He's not paying child support or anything. Oh no, no, no. He's not doing well either. Barely, barely. I mean, he barely got by.

The one that he did pretty well was the cesspools of the sewers, because there were a lot of cesspools, and you get a sewer system. But he was always coming up with a... One of the best ones, though, the one that he ended up really focused on, was my sister. You know, I grew up with all females and he, he, he, we would never go up together, by the way. It was never me and a sibling.

It was always just one of us and he would bond and make fun of the other one. It's a whole triangulation thing. It was unbelievable. I never had. All his kids? Yeah. He's a, he has same parents for all of you. I just found another one 10 years ago.

Oh yeah, I have a new sister. From him? Yeah, from the cult, he had a cult. We're gonna get to that. It sounds like he's building one with the titty thing in the living room. Well, that's, that was the start of it, by the way. That was the start.

But he then, my sister rode a horse with him and he did, he always kind of wanted us, you know, but he wanted us to be part of a business. He couldn't just hang with us. We had to work for him. So he creates a horse business. Then it became mules. In the Pocono Mountains, it's called Pocono Adventures on Mules. Where the fuck's he getting mules to do this? Well, he negotiates.

He's a negotiator. He was always trading things. I remember one time I go, I visit him and they had this cabin with this, and I'd say, where's the TV? He goes, they traded it for a movie. He's a negotiator. He was always trading things. I remember one time I go, I visit him as they had this cabin with this, and I'd say, where, I go, where's the TV? He goes, I traded it for a mule. So I had to go out and watch the mule. That's how he's getting me.

He's always bartering and trading. He loves junk. I would always be in junkyards with the guy. All my visits were something where he's making deals and he didn't know how to walk away. I'd be sitting there going, please, I'm trying to have some father son bonding here. Next thing you know, he gets a harem, he calls it his harem. He has a cult. He's a cult.

He's a cult. He's a cult. He's a cult. He's a cult. He's a cult. He's a cult. He's a cult. He's a cult. He's a cult. He's making deals and he didn't know how to walk away. I'm sitting there going, please, I'm trying to have some father-son bonding here. Next thing you know, he gets a harem, he calls it his harem, he has a cult. He just starts this.

He starts it. He's got a mother-daughter team. Oh, I have a comedian story for you for this one. So it's called Pocono Adventures. Only 75 mules, a couple horses, takes people on these rides and like major mountain rides. It was pretty cool. And me and my four, three friends, we built this ranch for him

because I wanted to bond with him. And here's how a cult leader works. I'm gonna, I'm fast into the cults. Yeah, let's hear this. What he would do is he would make us compete against one another. There was me, we were all roommates in Philly and we would go up to the Poconos two hours

and help him build this mule business. And he'd go, he would rate us based on how we worked that day. He'd always go, he's a worker. That was his big compliment. He's a worker. He'd go, Rob's number one, Steve's number two. Just because you're my son doesn't make you number one. You're number three. Mike, you're out there. You're number four. Mike, poor guy, poor Mike, never made it above three. So Rob was always number one. Me and Steve battle for two and three. But as the son, I was never number one. Rob was his number one son.

It wasn't even related to him. They got a business together and stuff like that. But that's what cult leaders do. They set up a competition. So this leads me to, I was touring the Poconos as a comedian with, remember Richard Jeni? Of course. Richard Jeni and I were very close

and Glenn Farrington and the three of us are doing a tour of like these colleges, Wilkes-Barre and Scranton and all that. And I said, my dad's gonna put us up tonight. Can I curse on here? Of course. Okay, all right. I'm so used to radio.

I'm so used to radio. Because I have to curse in this case because it's a quote. So I go, hey Jenney, I would call him Jenny. He goes, Shoo, where are we staying? With your old man and the mules? I go, yeah, we're gonna stay there. Damn good Richard Jenny. Shoo, shoo, Richard Jenny here.

He'd always twirl the hair in the back of his head, shoo. He was always analyzing things. Shoo, what do you mean it's a mule? A mule like a burrow of the Jesus road or what? Meanwhile, these things are 18 hands, either gigantic, bred with Clydesdales and Persians and draft horses. These aren't just little like-

Oh no, there's no donkey ride. Mexico beach donkeys. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I was thinking, yeah. People, oh no, big giant. Oh, they're worn out. They gallop and canter and trot, all that. Oh yeah.

So we get there to his cabin after one of our gigs and we're sneaking in and literally he chooses who would sleep with him that night of the harem. He had 14 women. He would choose whoever did the best job. He got the 14 women. 14, he was up to 14. At that time it was probably 10.

It's just him and these ladies. Oh yeah, he always had a lackey guy that did tools. Is this, are they all in his bras? No, no, no, no, no. That was long gone. The poor guy. I wish, I wish I would have inherited that. I inherited nothing.

The family business. The family, I'm in the bra business. It's instead I'd be the, I'm the love master. I have a million questions. So anyway, he's called himself the king of the,'d go, I'm the king of the Poconos. You get over this comedy shit and you'll be part of my empire. I'm going to be prince of the Poconos, Ryan. This is a big goal.

Comedy. That's how we go, comedy bullshit. So I go, meanwhile, I'm making it pretty good in comedy. I'm making more money than my friends who are doctors. I'm doing really well, but no, he was like, that's not a real job. And see,'d lecture me. He'd go, look what I have.

And he had all these women and they were in sleeping bags in the other room, like a whole little posse of them. And you could tell who was chosen because the sleeping bag was rolled up and they get to sleep with the king of the Poconos that night. And so we're sneaking in and he had a few sleeping bags for us, me and two other comedians, Richard Jennings and Clint Farrington. And I go- And you're in the house with all these ladies? We're sneaking in, they got goats inside. It's like, it's a whole farm situation, right? Which

we're not used to. These guys are definitely not. Jenny's from Brooklyn. He's got a shiny zoot suit, you know? It's like a whole different guy. So I go, I never forget, this is the line, I always reminded Jenny about this. We were sneaking in. I go, shh, you're going to wake my dad up. He goes, shoo, shoo, fuck your old man in a mule he rode in on. That's great. Shoo. And we rode mules the next day. You never see anything as funny as Jenny from Brooklyn

getting on this giant mule. Doesn't have an ashtray. Doesn't have an ashtray. Doesn't have an ashtray. And we, we went into the woods and we had such a great time, but anyway, he had, he called it his harem. That was his harem. And other people called it that. This is how I know this.

I was performing in the Poconos. I'm this Hollywood guy now. They'd send the limo and I'm at Caesar's and the guy's giving me a tour. You know, you ever hear the accent? They do it Schmokin, Co-miner accent from Pennsylvania. And it was one of those guys, give me a tour. I'll never forget this. And he goes, I hadn't seen my dad in a while. Now I'm out here and I'm visiting there and playing big performance at the big showrooms. And he's given me a tour. He goes, oh, Craig, over here, you're from Hollywood, huh? You probably never heard of Kuwait, have you?

We got Kuwait, sir. You know what Kuwait's are? I go, Oh, I got racquetball. We got tennis over here, over here. He goes, Oh my gosh, there's AJ Shoemaker in his harem. What's that nut doing here? And I go, that's my dad. No, that happened?

Classic. I go, that's my dad. The guy's like, he didn't do the math on Shoemaker's Shoemaker, right? And up walks my dad with about- And you hadn't seen him in- I hadn't seen him in a few years. This is how you're seeing him. He walks up with his harem, like six of them. He goes, hey, hey, doin'? He goes, oh, cheese tray. He took my complimentary cheese tray. He goes, this is good. I'll take it back to the ranch. Judy loves Gouda. Just her.

Judy loves Gouda. The whole harem that likes Gouda. So, he takes my cheese tray. Then, after my show, he's signing people up for mule rides. He's got a clipboard. And I do this character, the love master, and I go, tell him who the real love master is, which he's right. Who's the real love master is, which he's right. Who's the real love master?

Look what I have. And he's signing these people up during my autograph session. You know, they sign, I sign autographs and pictures. He's waiting. You're meet and greet. He's just off to the side. Take a mule ride.

I'm the one who started his whole career. Meanwhile, I would go years without seeing a guy who never gave a dime. So he's now taking credit for me. Next morning, 7 a.m., he knocks on my hotel door. Where are you? These people are here, they wanna see you. He wanted me to go on all the mule rides.

He had six of them set up in a row. I go on another one, another, and we'd tell stories like we were father and son. Tell them about the time with the crabs. I'd tell the crab story again and again and again. I was part of his little tourism. And anyway, last year he got dementia though. And I believe it or not at full circle,

I ended up taking care of him. You did? At the end of his life. That's nice. That is nice of you actually. Yeah, the odd thing about it was he died around the same time as a guy I wanted to be my father. When I was a kid, I wanted a father so bad. And I wanted a husband for my mom. She was

so upset, miserable, a single mom in the 70s trying to raise kids, secretary. That's not easy. I mean, back then it was not equal opportunity, equal pay, but I wanted a dad and I wanted, and so I used to look at baseball cards, right? I saw you had your pal Cal Ripken, you had your baseball guy. I was a Philly fan. So I would look at the cards. I didn't care what they hit.

I looked for one thing in the back of the card, marital status, because then they'd be available to my mother. You're shopping for husbands. And I'm shopping for husbands for my mom. Through your baseball cards. From baseball cards. For baseball cards. I discarded Mike Schmidt, a Hall of Famer, because he was married to Donna Schmidt.

I still know their names and their wives. Larry Boishina Bo. I can tell you the wives. I found one. Mom, this guy's for you. He's Irish. She's Irish. She loves Irish. Tim McCarver, mom.

Tim McCarver. He's a catcher. I'm a pitcher. He could adopt me and teach me how to pitch in the backyard. She goes, he doesn't want me here. Yes, he does. I wrote him a letter. Dear Tim McCarver, here's my mom's picture

in a belly dancing outfit. Yeah, hell yeah. You should meet my mom. He never writes me back, but here's how things, I wanna write a book called God's a Slow Motherfucker. You know what I mean? Things take time. So I told Joe Buck that story,

longtime partner of Tim McCarver, right? I still had never met Tim McCarver. Isn't Tim the guy Deon dumped the water on, wasn't it? Yes, yes. And yeah, exactly. And he was a longtime partner of Joe Buckett for baseball. And next time I see Joe Buckett, he hands me a ball. It's my most prized possession, it says, from Tim McCarver.

It says, dear son, time to grow up. Love, dad. Yeah time to grow up. Love dad. Yeah, that's awesome. Is that the great? That's great. And I have a lot of memorabilia. I meet these athletes all the time. Time to grow up.

That was my good time to grow up. Love dad. And they died right around the same time. Isn't that weird? That is weird. My almost dad and my real dad. But you got that little bit of closure, little message before he checked out.

Like, all right, here we go. Exactly. So let's go back to this real quick. Your dad just says, fuck it, I'm starting this harem. How? How does he, or do you even know, like, how does he convince these ladies to, here's the other thing, it's not a palatial mansion.

You said they're on sleeping bags. Yeah. Oh, yeah. This is not a high end. This wasn't the Bogwan in a Rolls Royce. Yeah. This is not a high end. This wasn't the Bogwan in a Rolls Royce. Yeah, so I'm saying, well, so how, what is it he have? What does he do? It's an interesting question.

I've actually studied this. Well, he sets the competition up, I told you about that. That's, so they compete with mother and daughter. But you gotta get them there first. He's charismatic. Yeah. When I would visit him. But I'm saying, is he promising them

a financial this or a future this? Well, some of them just love, you know, a lot of people love horses. They love that. I mean, they're literally people that love animals more than people. So they just wanna come and be around. They wanna run his ranch for him.

He's empowering them. You can do this, you can do that. You can have this. Cause he wants to step back. He does nothing. Oh, he is. He's just a negotiator, bullshitter. I mean, the same with me. We'd sit on a chair while I'm digging ditches.

You know, this is who this is. My mom told me when he was in the Navy, he, Bud Courtney, his best buddy, they would go out on a dinghy and Bud would paint the boats and he'd smoke, he'd smoke his pipe. Even at Bud Courtney doing this work for him. He's just a charismatic guy, kind of like a Mark Twain type of thing. You know, remember the story with Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn and painting the fence?

He's kind of like that guy. You know, he's got this power over people and I would watch how he would operate. He would turn people against one another. That's another thing. You're saying mother daughter. He would literally make them compete against. That's another thing. You're saying mother-daughter. He would literally make them compete against... Yeah, mother-daughter. For his affection and his approval.

So listen, I've studied this. Manson, he appealed to the father issues. He would act like he was predicting, I bet you have a problem with your father. And yes, I do. And I think that's how a lot of these people do it. They appeal to something that's missing with you, some missing in your heart. And that's what happened with Mansa. All those women had difficult relationships with their fathers. And a lot of these people prey upon people that have difficulties with their father's situation, or their mother, but it's usually the father. And that's what he did.

He appealed to them and they would sign up and there they would be dedicated to him, to the end. That's it, that's the thing. Yeah. Still sticking around. Well, in the last few years of his life, he had won. And oddly enough, she didn't know anything about the harem. I had to tell her. What?

She was like, oh, he had won and she didn't recognize, like I would say his behavior. She goes, he does none of that. Cause when he got older, he kind of got mellow. And she never saw his temper. She never saw his control issues. So it was a whole other guy. And I had fun with her towards the end of last year or two,

like getting to know him through her eyes. And she's a whole different guy. And he was also different to his grandchildren, if ever I brought them around. He's pretty, the kid's pretty. I do a great impression of my dad. One time I called the harem and she goes, and I pretended I was him. One of the harem answers the phone and I said,

oh, what are you doing? She goes, I thought you were outside. Oh no, I'm down at the fire station. Where are you? I did this whole thing. The whole time she thought it was him. Can I ask you, did he ever like was during the harem time, was there ever a number one,

did he ever officially marry again or he did? Funny you should say that. I do remember that. Yeah, I married, you're very young, very young. And he changed a little bit because I received a gift. I'll never forget it for my child who was born. And I'm going, where did this come from? And I realized she's coaching him

on how to be a better dad. Be a better person. Yeah, exactly. So whatever I receive anything. So your son, this is your grandchild. Like you have to, isn't it blow you away? Do some humans out there have to be told that? I know.

And you know why I raise my kids? I give them everything I long for. Makes it really easy. Not that they receive it that well, cause I overdo it. I coach every team. But they're also kids and have no idea. Did you? Every team. My kids have been on baseball, basketball, football, all three sons. Now my daughter, I coach her in singing because I've sang on Broadway and stuff. Have you? Yeah. God damn, dude. So she now just did a play Beauty and the Beast. I was bawling. How the

fuck did you do all that? I was bawling. How the fuck did you do all that? I was bawling. You were working nonstop. I know. I know. I always made sure. And you still coached. I'll be honest with you.

I'm going to be honest with you. Something that came up for me when I walked in here. I'd just been getting a little chills or a little sad. But I say this. I removed myself from comedy. You have all these bondings with all these people you work with on posters. My posters are all just me hanging out at the comedy store.

I see the documentary on regular. I was approved there and worked there now and then. But no, never part of the gang because my concentration was on my family. I remember seeing the documentary about the comedy store. This is my family. I'm going, not mine, not mine. And so I got a little jealous. I'm looking at your posters. You got all these

like all-star shows. I've never been on any of those. I've had once in a while co-headline situation. Did one with Bill Bellamy and stuff. And I've got friends in the industry, Jeff Garland and a number of friends, but never that that you had. And I get a little envious, but then again, I go, you also have these kids you concentrated on. That's me for the last 10 years. Once I have my daughter, I'm the same way. I don't, I mean. The hang is different.

They're like, would you come every three months? And I'm like, I'm on the road when I don't have my daughter and when I do, I'm a dad. I'm not, I'm two things. I'm not, my identity is not a comedian first. I'm a dad first. Yeah, I'm with you on that. And I, I look, my dad died when I was 16.

So I, you know, I longed for, I still wish I had my dad. You know what I mean? He longed for something. I had a good one, not a shitty one. So it's things you miss. You know what I mean? It's not like whatever. I would have been better off anyway,

cause he's a horrible person. He was the shit. So that's the thing for me is like, I don't want to be, you know, I have my next 20 years. I don't even know who my kid is. I'm not around, you know, I'm there. I've been there for all the events. I flew, I'll take a 6 a.m. flight to come and go

to make her competition on a Sunday. Same, same. I remember one time I did it for a, he was nine years old, a basketball game. I flew in from Arizona and I was back on stage that night. Yeah. You know, I just, it was worth it to me. I love hearing it. Here's the funny thing about it.

I do also want to say real quick, there's a shift. I do see a lot of guys, I can't speak to the ladies in Comedy with Kids, but I see a lot more of the dudes these days wanting to be dads. Oh, I listen to your interviews. Jim Florentine, that's an example of it. It's just you get the kid and you go, it takes you out of, if we are narcissists, which I actually don't think I am, but if we are, then we're not anymore with the kid. At least that's been my experience with other comedians as well. Once you have the children, everything changed for me

in a way that just isn't about me anymore. Now, I gotta make money to make their lives happy in that way too, because they're gonna have therapy being my kid. I always say to myself, we go to therapy, talk about our parents, my kids are gonna go, my dad with you, I love you. Oh my god, it's so annoying. There is gonna be a new wave of therapists being like, you guys did, you loved them too much. That's the new therapy. That's exactly what's gonna happen. My kids are gonna complain.

When they were younger, I wanted to bite their cheeks, you know, they got those cheeks and then they're gonna be in therapy. My dad loved me, but he bit my cheek off. That's what it's gonna be like. And, but they have their own issues. I got two sons right now with huge issues with me. Let me ask you this though. And I don't even know what it's about,

but if there's something that they're, they have their own journey. That's the thing I'm learning all the time, is this journey, it cannot be what I dictate. It's going to take lots of different directions, which we're talking here about a lot of my life is what inspired me was a lot of pain and transmuting that pain into family life, into love. But then I show up and do all the right things and bam, something happens.

Bam, something happens. What happened there? It's not supposed to be that way. Well I guess the destiny's sake it was because I'm gonna keep learning you know keep growing. I have an acronym ego is evading growth opportunity. So when my ego gets in which is that's part ego's I'm gonna raise them right. As they say your ego's not your amigo. No. That's what the AA loves to tell you. No. It's the truth. And-

Ego's the fuck it. I'm evading my own growth opportunity every time I operate from that space of, I know what's better. Mm-hmm. I, no, I don't. And I have to keep learning that lesson all the time. It's when somebody rejects me or they're unkind to me, I go, wait, I was so nice to you.

You know, I fixed up nine marriages. People that got married, I fixed up nine marriages, people that got married. I fixed up nine marriages. Well, you mean you introduced people? Oh yeah. Nine of them. Wow. In fix ups too.

Like he, you know, playing Cyrano de Bergerac and he says this about you and all that kind of stuff, and none of them ended up hanging with me ever again. I probably got 200 people jobs. Hardly any of them thanked me. One of them, I got her the job as head of an agency. I saw the announcement on Facebook. I'm like, what's up with that? And then she calls me because I heard you're mad that I didn't thank you. And still didn't thank me.

And I'm still in therapy, not necessarily in therapy, that's the topic, but I'm still trying to work that out. My theory is that I'm doing for them like God's work and they don't want to give me that credit because then I'll be like, it's a God complex. So I think that's something to do with it. And they have to find these things out on their own and I'm trying to go, I got to fix for you, I got to help for you and all that kind of stuff. So I'm, I'm like a rescuer.

And it all started when I tried to fix my mom, mom up with Tim McCarver. The other guy was Paul Lynn, the center square uncle, the author of the bewitched. Ray magazine. They said he was single. My mom loved them. She never knew anybody was gay, by the way. She thought Liberace was flamboyant.

She was in complete denial. Lesbians were spinsters. they just were asexual. That's what she would say. She loved Paul Lin, and I wrote him a letter, meet my mom, and my whole dream was he would adopt me. We'd be the first father and son team on Hollywood Squares. I was pictured us in the box together. I'd like, take it son, it's a sports question.

I'd like Craig and Paul Lynn for the win please. We're up there in our matching ascots. I literally had a visual of this guy being my father and I wrote letters to him. Does Tony Fields really have a wooden leg? I'd ask him all these questions, never wrote me back. But this is how dreams manifest though. I really wanted to be on Hollywood Squares.

It was my dream job and I ended up on 75 episodes of the Hollywood Squares with Tom Berksh job. And I ended up on 75 episodes of the Hollywood Squares with Tom Bergeron, Whoopi Goldberg got me on, who's been amazing to me. Did you thank her? Oh yeah. Of course you did. I thank her to this moment.

I mean, even in this podcast, she's done more for me than anyone has ever done in my career. Wow. No one does anything for me in my career. They always assume. It's like when I walked in here, you go, you don't look like you have any problems. I think people assume that, you know, and she didn't. You don't look like a man. Yeah. You don't care yourself as a man who's had, and we're not even

into the rest of it yet. We got more to talk about, but it's- That's the fun stuff. You seem to have done the work to be happy- Yes. Within yourself, you know? And you seem to also be humble enough and ego aside to know that I don't care what age I am, I'm still learning, I'm still making mistakes,

I still don't understand this, I think I know this, and I didn't know it at all, and why, you know? And you're willing to at least do the mental and emotional work to understand why, and not just be like your dad, whatever, walk it off. Walk it off. We're the walk it off generation. You know, especially where we're from, by the way, listen, don't be a pussy. Don't be a, you're a pussy. I have one thing I want to ask you accent wise, Baltimore is close to Philly.

And you know, it's never been in history of television, nobody's ever been filmed. No one can do a Philly accent and very few do, even Baltimore only Travolta tried it in, right, in Hairspray. You know who did a great job? Who? I think his name, I messed it up. I think his name is Mike, is it Berenthal?

Berenthal, I'm gonna mess. I want him on this podcast. He was on that series they did where they busted the cops for planting shit and everything. Wire? The Wire? No. That was out of Baltimore. Yeah, that was. But this was a series.

It was like a four episode series. I want to say it was on HBO. We own this city. That's it. Watch it. Task force. I heard it right there. I heard own this city. That's it. Watch it. Passports. I heard it right there. I heard you right.

And he gets it. Now I'm, I get that I have a Southern draw a lot. People are like, you, where are you from? The South? You have that too. But that hardcore, my relatives are all like, those vowels come in. Yeah, Billy.

Billy's an alley right now. How do you say the word, this is going to say if you're from the South or Baltimore, the entire country says a word that's different than the way we say it in Baltimore and Philly. T-O-U-R-N-A-M-E-N-T, like you're in a golf go, how do you say it? I say tournament. Yeah, tournament.

Not tournament. That whole world goes tournament. Springsteen doesn't go on tur. It goes on tour. Yeah. Come on, dudes, we're going on tour. One, two, three, four. Here's the other one.

What's the other? Because of that pronunciation, the way we say tournament, or tournament. We say tournament, yeah. I used to say Sigourney Weaver all the time, and they're like, who? What's wrong with that?

Or did I say Sigourney? I think I used to say Sigourney. I didn't know I was pronouncing her name wrong. And somebody was like, it's not Gurney, it's Gourney. I don't even know. In Philly or Baltimore, we would go Sigourney, with an accent, Sigourney. One time, I have this even know. Well, in Philly or Baltimore, we would go Sigourney with an accent. Sigourney.

One time, I have this resentment for years that no one could do. Even the great Robert De Niro in Silver Linings' playbook, which is all about Philly, heavy Philly, did a New York accent. Dropping the R at the end and all that. So one time I was on that show, Parks and Recreation. The boss is Amy Poehler. Yeah. So we're on this parade float.

I played this guy, the head of the liberty or die party is kind of like a tea party. I had a tricornard hat and knickers. And a little break and I hear this guy go, are everybody we're going to go over here. I go, hey, Philly goes, how'd you know? How do I know? What do you mean how do I know? He said, how'd you know? I said your accent and I started getting in my I said in the history of film, no one's ever done it. Of all people to do in front of, Amy Poehler goes,

I did one in Baby Mama. And she's right, she did an accent. She's the only one ever. Who did I do it in front of? My boss. So anyway, I have such problems with people in these films that won't even try it. They abandon it, right?

It's the hard, it's a very hard accent to do. It is hard. But yeah, you got a little drawl in there too. Yeah. I mean, where that came from. I, we spent one year in Texas when we were like four and maybe, maybe I picked it up there. A year in Texas?

One year, bro. One year. That is crazy. My dad got transferred. He was a crew chief at, for Pan Am at, well, now it's Reagan. Used to be a national airport back then. Yeah. And we went to Houston for like one year and he was like,

we're fucked this shit. We're going back to Maryland. And we went back to Maryland. Maybe I got a dash of it down there. Oh, there's a dash all right. But I, yeah, my relatives like state the way they say Saturday. I laugh because the whole, I used to do this whole thing with the crab feast and I still say Tuesday.

That's the days of the week where Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. And Saturday in Baltimore is a different one. That's Saturday. And if you listen, you can hear it in there, but you're like, what? He went to college last Saturday. Like what? Yeah. With prices going up on just about everything lately, being smart with your money isn't just a good idea.

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I don't necessarily have to live. This shirt is perfect. Yeah. That's, you're right. That's where from a walk it off, quit being a pussy over to like, Hey, how you feeling? You know what I mean? I can be that guy. I can be that guy. I tell everybody all the time, I grew up without parents from 16. No one ever said to me, how are you feeling? It was always, how you doing? How you doing?

And I'm like, good. That's it. I don't let you in. That's the extent of it. Good, how you doing? Good, great, we're moving on. No one's like, how you feeling today? Like, sad.

You know what I mean? Like, we don't come from that world. No one's like, how you feeling today? Like, sad. You know what I mean? Like, why don't you come from that world? No, that's funny you should say that. When I coach, I coach people a lot. I mentor and things like that. And I talk about vibration, you know, life is vibration and energy. Energy, for sure.

And I have this thing that I do, it's actually a little trick, it's a little hack. I'll say, how are you doing? And I have them come up with a word that's extraordinary, not good, above ground, fair to middle and all those. I say, so you ask me how I'm doing. How you doing? Fantastic.

And it made you smile. And it's reflected back. If you give them magnificent, beaucoup, fabou, whatever it is. So I have all my clients come up with that word that they answer. And I always quiz them, how you doing? Oh, I forgot. I'm tremendous. You know are you doing? And I, oh, I forgot. I'm tremendous. You know what I mean?

And it really does make a difference because we're so used to, you know, a failure, like down, oh good, shrug it off and all that kind of stuff. You don't want to get too deep. But I got deep at an early age, kind of forced to. I was going to say you had to. Yeah. Yeah. So dad leaving and then my pursuit of dads has led me down some difficult roads.

But I always ask guests before they come in a little bit of what we're going to talk about. And so dad cult, let's shift gears here. You're married at some point and your wife leaves you for a cult? Yeah. They say you marry your mother. I guess I married my dad. She's not a leader though. She's not- She's belly dancing over there at the club. leaves you for a cult? Yeah, they say you marry your mother. I guess I married my dad. She's not a leader though.

She's not- When she belly dancing over there at the club. She's a hippie. Wait. Which was good in the beginning. She's, literally when we met, she goes, do you know what's spiritual to fart? I go, well, you marry the Dalai Lama.

Get in the covers and give me a touch up and you'll be praying all right. And it was a wonderful marriage. It really was. I met her in a spiritual center and everything was like centered in that. Did you share your past about your dad being in a cult and stuff? Oh, of course. She knew my dad. We would visit with our kids and stuff. Did he influence this? No, no, not at all.

I mean, just his way of life. Oddly enough though, he did multi-level marketing with his cult pyramid schemes and she got into multi-level marketing. She followed this, she first went into this one cult with this woman Raven and they, I shouldn't- Is that real? Raven Star. Oh, this is real.

I'm not making a fricking word of this up. Raven Star, dude. I might make up the word of her leader in case they come after me because they've already threatened me. The cult leader's boyfriend has threatened me. So you've gotten cease and desist from your mouth. Yeah. I'll show you the text messages from this creep,

this creep that she's with. The cult leader's with this creep who came after me a few times. Now the one filly thing I am, I will stand. I will make a stand. And that's when tough guy comes in and is, oh, really? And then I also think my mouth will get me out of stuff, which a lot of times it

doesn't. So anyway, she started following this woman who brought her to the Raven star cult. And they had this thing year to millionaire and they moved into a mansion. They ended up feeding this Raven. It was a whole scam. They got me for $80,000. Wait, what? $80,000. What are they doing with this lady feeding her? Well, no, it starts off, I'm going to teach you how to be a millionaire.

You're a millionaire and we're going to film this thing. It's a reality show and all this kind of stuff. But this woman, let's call her Broke. Her name's Broke, which is close to her real name. So Broke brings her there. She follows her in there. And then it turns out they were onto this being. She follows her in there. And then, it turns out they were onto this being a cult that she was, she built $500,000 as Raven. A woman did. Oh yeah. She got it out of mostly women and all like around 50, like middle age,

a little bit of, you know, who knows what's going on. Women get mad at me if I say menopause, but that's menopause, you know, they might be vulnerable going on. Women get mad at me if I say menopause, but that menopause, you know, they might be vulnerable. I say might. Oh, don't get angry with me. God, you make an assessment. It's based on my experience, though. She started changing after the second child. Two incredible kids. Oh, my God.

Blessed kids to have these parents. We never fought or anything. She just kept going on these Zooms with these cults. And then the next leader took over, the Broke, who took her in there. Why does she have to leave her family? Well, she would just leave the family, like us hanging. We had a lot of playtime and stuff. No, she would go on these Zoom meetings to create businesses. Here's how we're going to lure these people in and all that kind of stuff, whatever.

And as Broke started to become like this expert, first they did Mommy Minutes, this whole thing about how to be a mom and how to homeschool and all this kind of stuff. All this theoretical stuff, that always bothers me when people have theory, not actions. You see my act or even talking to you, it's my experience. It's not my opinion. I'm not saying you need to do this. That's what a lot of these wellness grifters, I call them. They're wellness grifters in that community, spiritual slash wellness. So they started to go, she starts getting into that. Well, then she starts really

getting in. Now it's like time for, then they go to the medicine journeys. They go a couple, they go to Australia and do some dance in front of thousands of people. Like I'm going, okay. And I keep being the supportive guy because I want to keep her happy. That's my life is keeping couple as you go to Australia and do some dance in front of thousands of people. Like, I'm going, okay. And I keep being the supportive guy because I want to keep her happy. That's my life is keeping people happy. I literally do it, do it for a living. So I was like, just send it to just give her the checks. When I get off the road, turns out she was scheming to, she went with this cult leader and, um, I had a house before I knew her and moved into that

house. She convinced me to sell it. And when I was on the road, she changed the password, stole all the money from the house sale, hundreds of thousands of dollars, and abducted the kids. What? To a private Airbnb. I didn't know where they were. She just texted me, I'm not picking you up at the airport, far from that. I moved out, da da da da.

And it's been a real struggle ever since because- How long ago was this? It's two and a half, three years ago. That's not long at all. Oh no, it still affects us because the kids are going, what happened? And the kids, they were abducted twice. She did that twice, violent.

She just turned into a whole other person. And now they're into- And there's no legal ramification. You know what BDSM is? Do you know what BDSM is? Oh yeah, now she does a podcast with the leader talking about being choked and whipped and all that kind of stuff.

And we just, I mean, it's the saddest thing you've ever seen in your life. You know what I compare it to? I love Star Wars. You like Star Wars? I do. It's Darth Vader is possessed by resentments and in your life. You know what I compare it to? I love Star Wars. You like Star Wars? I do. It's Darth Vader is possessed by resentments and anger. It doesn't know what to do with it.

And goes to the dark side. So the sproke is Darth Sidious and she follows and she has become a completely different person. And it's so sad to see, and I have no protection on this. There's nobody that's going, Craig, let me help you. This doesn't happen. You know, I'm a non-practicing white male that's going, Craig, let me help you. Just doesn't happen. I'm a non-practicing white male at this point. People are not behind.

People don't support somebody like me. They don't feel for me. Plus I don't like being a victim anyway. But I have found in this case, I tried going to court without a lawyer. Oh, man, just annihilated. That's what I want to ask. Like, this is a legal thing.

She's taken stolen the money. Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Because you were married, is that why? Yeah, all that kind of stuff. It was half her house, even though it was bought before. All this stuff. Rather than fighting a typical me,

I just want to hear, just keep a lot of this. And you know, it's a struggle because I've spent my life. I'll tell you that story. I know you're leading to the heavy story. I spent my life not being protected. That's it. That's what I'm there for my kids, even though some don't want it. I'm a real protector and I want someone to protect me and it just doesn't happen.

Why does your wife's love have to stop for you because of this cult? Where does that turn off? Because then she was convinced by this woman, apparently convinced to get into sex products and stuff like that, that love comes from torture and pain, not from, I'm giving like real love. You know, I think it's good. And then she literally, these are, these are quotes, come on mamas. She, this isn't the only woman she's done it with. She gets women to leave their husbands. She announces hers. Oh, they're getting more and more. If I showed you her online, you're going, this woman's nuts. How can anyone follow her?

She just brags and she's like a middle-aged woman bragging. She looks like she's on OnlyFans, posing with a whip and a riding crop. Come on, follow me, mamas. Get your sovereign freedom. And she convinced my wife and she was in a golden cage. All this work I'm doing, I hand the money over. I had her in a golden cage apparently All this work I'm doing, I hand the money over, I had her in a golden cage apparently. I'd like to be in one for a day, by the way. Wouldn't you like to not struggle? Wouldn't you like to have somebody supply something?

I would love someone just to give me money. Wouldn't that be amazing? Yeah. You know, just give them a little what they want, you know, whatever it is. Nope, no, she just, it became this whole take thing and she keeps going for more and more. But my job-

And that's her now public image as a mom of her kids. She puts up, she has a podcast where these kids can hear it. And that's another thing. So then I go to, you know, violent, I went to the police, they ignore me, everything. The kids even testified. No, that's hearsay. Unbelievable. I have no, nothing to go on.

So you know what I have to do? I have to give up. I just have to surrender, be the best person I can be. I sent her a beautiful note this morning. I've done a lot of those before. And that's- Are you getting kindness back at all? That's as good as it's gonna get.

Yeah. Is what I put out. It's not gonna come from her. And I keep coming, it's your turn. Why am I always the one who's evolved? You ever have that happen? Yeah, score people. Why am I the high road all the time?

I hate the high road. I'm so sick of traveling the motherfucking high road. I'm tired of it. I've been on it a lot. I like, I like to get on this one one time. We're rolling out here a little bit like everybody else does. Can I coast for a little while? Can somebody give me money?

You know what I inherited from my father when he passed away? Debt. Not a, literally debtors calling me when I was handling his stuff. I don't know where it's ever going to come from, even if it's lifetime ever will come easy to me. And here's the thing, I believe this about Philadelphia and Baltimore. The one thing I learned was resilience, man. If you're going to sum everything up If you're going to sum everything up on who we are, I'm a resilient guy and always have been. I know you're going to lead to this, but I might as well tell you. When I was 13,

I was struggling, big time struggling. We cut from an era of pubic hair, right? Yeah, when people still had it, you mean? Not only had it, proud of it. Yeah. Like one of my big things, I was the latest bloomer ever. Like what grade? I was five one in high school. That's 92 pounds. I'm about six two. Yeah. You were five one in like ninth grade? I won the shortest award in the school. They posed me next to Farber and I throw, he was seven feet tall. There I am, little Craig. I had no pubic hair, which was a nightmare. And high school. Oh in the gym showers. Oh, the gym showers.

Yeah, you are lately. The other guys are, they were, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, I remember, I remember middle school. Duck Dynasty, BCC top going on, they're lather up, they're Armenian fro, they're, they're just soaping it up. And I'm in there scooting, I have a panel and a wall switch squeaking. And, uh, and I'm going, where's my pubic hair? I used to analyze, I remember Rich Pearlstein, I had hair on his back in

eighth grade and he had full hair. And I'm going, please give me one little pubic hair. I used to analyze. I remember Rich Pearlstein had hair on his back in eighth grade He had full hair and I'm going please give me one bill of pubic hair It was a major deal for me anyway, but I had a search for a dad going on I really wanted a dad so bad. My mom did too. She wanted me out of her hair. Stop blaming her And there was this guy I met after a Philadelphia Eagles game. I love sports That's how I you know, that's how I dealt with life with sports, even though I had nobody teaching me. I grew up in the city. When we moved to the suburbs, I joined Little League. They said, go get a glove. I got a glove. I'm right-handed, on my right hand, right? So I would catch the

ball and chuck the glove on the ground and then throw the ball. That's, I had no idea because I played stickball with one ball and hands and rubber ball. You hit old man, catalities awning and that's a double and all that. That's in the city. This is a suburbs now. So I'm in the suburbs and I'm really like looking for some, and I meet this guy after this rich kid took me to the game. I ditched them to get autographs.

This guy took me in a locker room. His Ben Rauscher is his name. Big handlebar mustache and a cowboy hat. Did he work for the team? He said that he was with the old Chicago Bears. He did know everybody. He introduced me to these players. Harold Carmichael, his hand engulfed my little hand. I remember talking to them and stuff. I was in a locker room. I couldn't believe it. This guy had connections. and stuff, I was in a locker room, I couldn't believe it. This guy had connections. And I go back and brag to school,

like, oh, I met, you know, he would give me gifts and stuff. And then, and then he says, he's gonna take me to the last game of the season in Washington to play the Redskins, the Eagles who can play the Redskins. You have to understand, I'm bonding with this guy in ways I'd never bonded before.

I'm drinking booze with him out of a flask. And how old are you, you say? 13. 13? With no puberty. I'm up in the 700'd never bonded before. I'm drinking booze with them out of a flask. And how old are you, you say? 13. 13. With no puberty. I'm up in the 700. Still no hair. Up 700 level with the woo people. Woo!

You know, those people who hate the Eagles, but they're there every week anyway, the vein necks and all that kind of sharing whiskey and all that. And I'm a man now. He takes me away. How are you keeping in touch with him back then? My mom's phone. Just, he keeping in touch with him back then? Like how?

My mom's phone. Just, he had his number and you call him? No, he called me and we would set up, let's go to watch one night football together. My mom said, oh, go get out. I see. So mom's aware of this dude. Oh, very much so.

Yeah. Ben's like, Craig's new dad, you know, but too old for her and not her type or whatever. So he takes me to DC and he promises me, I brag to my friends, we're gonna have, I was just had this whole imagination that was going on. I said, oh, we're gonna have white gloves and approach our limousine and let us out

to this beautiful hotel and we're gonna, I get there, we took the Amtrak and it was a blizzard. We walked in a blizzard, like up to my waist, to a ghetto, like literally a ghetto. I'm like, what the hell is this? This is not what I expected. And we get there and it's not a hotel. It's like a, it's a pedophile hotel

with a guy behind bars with skeleton keys to give you the key to the room. What? Yeah, it was the opposite of everything. And he goes, give me a key. And the guy gives him the key from behind these bars. I'm going, wow, this is not what I expected at all. I thought it would be like television, like Dynasty

or something like that. And I'm going, this is a horrible place. People screaming and drugs on the streets. So we go up to the room and it's two beds. He slams the door. He goes, I want one bed. He goes back down to the guy. The guy's in another key. He's screaming at the guy, I want one bed so I can sleep with my buddy. And I went, uh-oh. And that's when- And he's openly saying that in this case. Because it's that hotel that I figured out afterwards.

And I think the guy was trying to save me because the second time it was two beds, then he went back down again. Oh, shit. I see. And now I'm talking to him in the elevator and I'm like, why? I like to sleep by myself, whatever. And anything I said, he had something for it. But this is the one thing about being resilient is I do, I am a good talker starting

at an early age and I talk myself into living. First of all, I could have been killed because there's no phone. I have no way to outside world. You don't even know where you are. No idea where I am. None. And I would not go in that bed.

So I crawled up and next to, remember the steam radiators banging and I was urine stains on the floor. I slept in urine on these, and this next is rated five days he kidnapped me. What? Yeah, five days. This dude held you hostage in that room for five days? Yeah, yeah. Trying to convince me to do what he wanted me to do.

Can I ask you, did he take advantage of you? No. He didn't overpower you? He didn't force you? No, which is great. No, not really. I mean, I don't want to get too detailed. You don't have to. But no penetration or something like that.

It was enough though to affect a kid. Even just the disappointment of this guy was going to be my dad and we were going to have this amazing weekend. Even that was enough, but then the other stuff. And also you're not in a nice hotel. You're not, you're in a fucking, sounds like a prison. It was, it was, I mean, literally you're in everywhere. I mean, it's just people yelling and rooms. And this is a man that's connected to where you said his name.

So this is a man also that did have connections to NFL. He did. Yeah. I remember he had like a stationary with his name. So this is a man also that did have connections to NFL. He did. I remember he had like a stationary with his name on it. I don't know. He was some honorary or something. Whatever it was. We only had 700 seats though. Those were lousy seats.

It wasn't that connected. I remember we were up and then the blimp was scraping my head. That's how high up we were. But he had an agenda. And it turns out, I did go to the game by the way, he did take me to the game. So I'd had that accomplished because I was at my first away game I'd ever been to.

And I never went to that many games anyway because I couldn't afford it. I used to sneak in. I was a criminal when I was a kid too. Big time criminal. Five days you were there. Five days and never let me out. You never called home?

I couldn't. There's no phone. No phone, no, no phone. And you obviously- It wasn't even a hotel phone. Now you think back at it like, this dude, how many times and how many children has he done this to? My mom researched him. There's no Google back then. So wait- I came back and I told my mom- Before you do, hold on. Okay. Yeah. He takes you back. So he takes me back. My mom has no idea. She thinks I come home just literally, just in a full state of depression.

Is she like, where have you been for five fucking days? Yeah. Well, no, she actually didn't even, oh, just went away for five days. She had no idea. And I told her, I'll never forget this. She goes, don't you ever repeat this to anybody. They won't understand, they'll think you're lying.

They won't understand. And those words you're lying, they won't understand. And those words affected me for a really long time. I mean, a really long time. I'll bet. You're only as sick as your secrets. This was a secret. And I was definitely suicidal to the point where this is my mom in a nutshell. She was always concerned about money and we had no money. And I was going gonna commit suicide. I took these neck ties and I tied them together and I threw them over my bedroom door and I tied it to the doorknob.

And I made a noose, I learned in Boy Scouts. It's gonna come in handy now. That's nice. I never was good at knots, but this, I think I got the noose down. So you never know when you're gonna need a noose. Yeah. The box knot. What're going to need a noose. The box knot. What are you going to use a box knot for?

What are you even teaching me? So I did learn the noose, the hangman's noose. I had that down and I did it with my neckties. And I put it over my neck and I started dangling. I started choking loudly. I really wanted attention. And sure enough, she gave it to me. My mom comes in my room.

She goes, oh my God, what are are you doing those are new neckties get up you're destroying those are new i bought you those neckties for easter nobody gave a fuck about you i'm dangling I was to her credit, I was on my knees and I didn't I wasn't able to get up. So I wasn't like jumping from a chair. I was dangling. The legs weren't kicking. So I did get I got up, give me those ties. She takes the ties and she you know, flattens them out or whatever irons them and then my ties again. But that was like, my mom, to give her credit, we went for a few years without talking, but

it's another story for another day, but I really did repair it with her in a big, big way. Good. Wait, real quick, you said she looked this dude up. What did we find out about this guy? Serial pedophile. He was in St. Louis, arrested for it and everything else. Oh, he had been charged and everything out about this guy? Serial pedophile. St. Louis arrested for it and everything else. Oh, he had been charged and everything.

Oh yeah. Serial pedophile. She ran into him at a bar, didn't say anything to him. My mom's, then she told me- He stayed in the area? Oh yeah. What the fuck? What else is going to happen? Then he came to visit me. The most I could do was my friends, we bombed them with snowballs and he drove away. I said, get him. And we all bombed. That was my way of getting back at him.

I didn't know what to do. He's a big man. He's six, eight or whatever. But my mom, you know, she told me not too long ago. I think it was really not that, it was pretty recent. She says, I just wanted to tell you, I'm really sorry about the way I handled Ben. And I went, oh, thanks.

How did that make you feel? I said, thanks, mom. And then she said, this is when I handled Ben. And I went, oh, thanks. How did that make you feel? I said, thanks, mom. And then she said, this is when I had compassion. She goes, I just didn't know what to do. She's a single mother and a lot of pressure. And she said, and her mom did the same thing with her. There was like a guy exposed himself. They went to court, they went to as far as court

and they walked out. The mother, her mother said, my grandmother said, no, let's get out of here. And they never did anything about it. So it was really kind of like repeating life. And she was scared. She was scared. She didn't want me to suffer. Listen, it is a shameful thing.

And I know my friend Paul, our local rec director was a major pedophile. And some of those kids are dead. I used to be jealous that they, he would hire them to do the trash and the neighborhood and stuff. I, how come I'm not in there? Thank God I wasn't because Paul had to go to major therapy for this.

They were going to name a park after the guy. The pedophile. This is how people are. Pedophile park. Let me tell you a secret to pedophiles. What they do is they get in with little leagues, boy scouts, rampant. They get in where parents are going, oh, no, they're taking care of my kid. Church groups and stuff like that. Obviously priests, where you don't, people go into denial. They don't want to believe.

You trust that. They're in trusted positions helping people. And now I'm so on to it, I get to be an advocate and I get to spread the word. Good for you, dude. Yes. It does not affect me in the least. I can easily talk about it because he does not hold the keys to my prison. Is he still alive?

No, God, long gone, long gone. He is. Did you ever run into him once you hit your... Once I hit him with snowballs, I don't think he came back, but no, no. No weird shit at a show later on in life. I needed to clean it up in my own life without him. He has nothing to do with it.

Like I said, he doesn't hold the keys to my prison. And I was in prison for a while. Major drugs and alcohol theft. I was definitely larceny. I would destroy people's property. I take my, I had old cars, big Chevy's and I ram them in of expensive cars. Just rammed them. Just crash them into them.

We would literally go ramming speed like we're Vikings. I put one car up on two wheels. Just to do it. Just to do it. I hated rich people. I hated rich people. Yeah. And I would get my revenge on these rich people,

powerful people. And that's how I lived my life for a while. And then I found, you know, comedy, I found spirituality, you know, where I live an amazing life and now I get to help others. I'm really into mentorship. That's something I coach comedy, I coach people in bringing laughter

to their presentations. I have the number one mortgage guy in the country now. He was boring before this. Now his presentations are so good. Is that right? Yeah. I get more of a thrill when he tells me how he did with a presentation, I do my own comedy.

My own comedy is like, you know, it is what it is. I mean, I had two shows last year that were, I have a memory of complete bliss on stage, which is kind of rare. Like I didn't care what was coming up. I didn't care what happened before. I was in every moment. And those, one was outside of Philly, one was outside of Pittsburgh. It was two packed theaters. And I just had the greatest time because I don't have that desire anymore for fame. I don't have a desire to have somebody approve of me. You know, I just show up and being

of service is a big key. It keeps me, I used to panic attacks, horrible. When I realized it wasn't physical, that it was mental and emotional, I worked on that. Now I can be present on stage and have moments like that. But it's not about that anymore. Listen, I won the comedian year at American Comedy Awards, right? The previous winners, I'm going, well, if I win this one, that was my agenda. I was like this, I'm going to win this thing. I campaigned. The previous winners were Jerry Seinfeld, Ellen DeGeneres, Jeff Fox, where they're

like, I'm going to get my own sitcom and a gay redneck and a show about nothing. This is what I'm going to do. This is my goal. I won this award. I was on ABC. And I won this award. I was on ABC. It was the biggest award. It was the Oscars of Comedy. And Lily Tomlin, the legend, presented to me.

And Roseanne, it was the loneliest night of my life. The loneliest night of my life. Imposter syndrome kicks in. Walked backstage. My old friend, I won't say who it is, she like shines me on. I'm going, we started comedy together. It's like, eh, you know, like blew me off. And other people, I went to the comedy store with my award. I didn't even hang at the comedy store. They're all making fun of me. I'm walking in my award. By the way, you bring an award to comics.

They're not going, way to go. Although I've told by our mutual friend, Tim Duffy, told me the comedy world has changed these days. It's so supportive. That's another reason I'm kind of jealous of your posters. I never had that. Yeah. I was going the road, a road dog, and everybody had a good reputation of killing it. It's still a very solo sport,

but these days you got- Much more supportive, I heard. Tom Sabora and his wife through YMH bringing so many people up. Kill Tony now is just putting people on the map and, you know, it's a very I would. And there's groups that are doing down there. And the Sandler group varies each other in one of those movies. I never got in with that.

It's a lot of my own thing out there. And I honestly, I believe a lot of it is because of your generation. And we watch that and it's like, none of these, where are all the collabs? You know what I mean? Don't see a lot of that from your generation, you guys, unless you're in a film or whatever. And we, more of us also, like there's that, there is a golden era of comedy right now, no doubt. And especially internet, podcasts, all this. But for all of us to go back to the 90s pre-internet and doing what we all did to come up together, and now this thing happens for us, thank God everyone's helping one another. It's really nice.

Yeah. And I just haven't experienced that. I got the experience of winning this award and just completely dissed. Oh yeah. And then I was the target on the back for a while. Then it was Jeff Dunham got the target on his back. Carrot Top had a carrot on his back. You get the target on the back. Oh, he's that guy. He's like, oh, he's a love master. Whatever it is.

Leave it to comics, especially the insecure ones. But now I'm finding that there's these really quality people like you. I mean, really quality people that are in this for the right reasons. It's not about our fame and fortune and ego and stuff like that. We're in it. Which is the reason I wanted to do your podcast. But also pay attention to the age of those people you're talking to these days too. You know what I mean? Like it's the Florentines, myself, the Toms, the Burtts, like, like being dads and we're older guys.

We're not 20 somethings that are coming out. Like, you know, I want to be famous. I want to do this and this and this. I, I, when I coach and teach the young ones, especially, I'll say, I need an agent. I go, slow down. You need your voice. You need your voice. It's the most important thing is find your voice off stage, not on stage. And I'm like you, I want to be my daughter's star. I don't care about that other shit. Before we wrap up, this has been awesome, but I want to hear this Magic Johnson story. Let's hear this. Another, I always like to say, isn't failure funny? So I'm at this a while, you know, I'm on a little roll.

This is the 90s, late 90s, and I'm, you know, I'm one of the comics that they bring in on all the auditions, you know, maybe I'll get a sitcom, all kinds of stuff. Well, Magic Johnson, the great basketball player has a thing called the Magic Hour. He's gonna be on the same stage as Arsenio had just retired. And it's the big show from Fox. I auditioned

against 400 comics. I got the job. To do what? What's the job? The co-host. Now he said, you're not like Ed McMahon laughing at him. Okay. You're gonna tell the monologue to him sitting next to him and he's gonna respond to it. I thought it was kind of a clever idea. Okay. Like the monologue, he can't do the monologue. It's not his jam. I'll do the monologue sitting next to him. They said, that's what you're doing. So here's what's going on this week, Magic. And then he's responding to you. Exactly, yeah.

Okay, all right. Right, so we rehearsed, the rehearsals are going okay, not the greatest, because he's really not a talk show host. He knows. It bombed, I remember it going, it went away quick too, didn't it? Oh bro, you have no idea.

You have no idea. I'm gonna tell you the story. This is 100% true story. Like, so I get there and, um, so I, so they brought in these writers from the Tonight Show and I used to make fun of them. They're members only jacket, like not current mullet cut. And I called the guy, Slingblade was the movie back then. I called him Sling.

He talked like Sling. They had jutted out jaw. And I said, Slingblade, I can't tell these jokes. I'll get booed. He goes, mm-hmm, a boo is as good as a laugh. Mm-hmm, Johnny loved to be booed. Johnny Carson loved to be booed, not me. They don't know me.

I've got to tell the jokes as I write them. Mm-hmm. So, okay. Meanwhile, I've got like one buddies there. You know, I'm telling him, how can I do this? He goes, good luck to you. Cause these jokes were not good jokes. They said, do not tell your own jokes.

I was about to ask and you can't say anything. No, no, they wrote the jokes where they set up punchline, all this current events and all this. So opening night, mostly urban crowd, which code for black. I'm not. And I'm backstage, Place is going nuts. Magic comes out a big three piece suit. He's dancing Sheila E from the 80s. She's the bandleader, you know, on the bongos. Place is

going crazy. And then he says my intro. Now I thought it's be committee here all this kind of stuff. Oh, here's my intro written by Slingblade to Magic to deliver to the audience. Alright, everybody, let's get the show started with my co-host now. Here's a guy Nobody would shower with Craig Shoemaker I'm like, I'm back there going I'm not coming out. What does that mean? Somebody would shower with me Here's a guy nobody would shower with Craig Shoemakeremaker. This is your introduction on the first show ever.

The first time these people will see me. Episode one. And then I have to walk, which is not easy for me because I bounce. I've been made fun of my whole life. I'm trying not to bounce now. I look like one of Jerry's kids walking out there. I finally take my seat. He wrote these jokes for me.

Understand this. Mostly urban crowd. He sets me up. I go, Hey Craig, now how about that Bulls game last night? I said, Magic, I haven't seen a beating like that caught on tape since Rodney King. No! I swear. Oxygen mask popped out of the ceiling, it was a collective gas, but wasn't even a boo,

it was like that. Worst sound you've ever heard in a history of comedy. I said, it was only a few years out of the Rodney King riots. Yeah, I was going to say. The whitest guy in the whole studio says, the white guy says this to him since Rodney King's beating. I'm glad you're laughing. Thanks a pant load.

You're not feeling for me. This has to be on the line somewhere. So he goes, so now, and then his response was, oh Craig, you are bad. Craig, you are bad. Remember, buddy, that was Craig, the co-host, not me. And I go, he threw me right in the wood chipper. He was known for the assistant basketball.

Yeah. And it continued. I told him a Madonna joke, oh Craig, you are bad. Now she's not going to come on the show. And I'm sitting there thinking, that's not the reason. If you can pronounce the movie these people are starring in. I'm not kidding you. Michael Clarke Duncan was in Armageddon. Magic read the cue card going, up next from the movie. Now he is from, I'm a good dude. Oh, Craig, how do you say that word? I say, just say end of the world.

It's the end of my career. So you have to understand I am poor little Craig Schumer. Yeah. The littlest kid in school, picked on beaten as a kid, obviously kidnapped. No pubes. That was the worst of all. The hell with being kidnapped by a pedophile. I had no pubes when I was 16. That's the worst of all of it. The hell with being kidnapped by a pedophile. I had no pubes when I was 16.

That's the pain. I'm sitting there going, Oh my God, this is not going even close to the way I wanted it to go. You hope you get it. This is my chance. I'm literally backstage making a list. 13 girls shot me down for the prom. I'm making a list of Mary Frank Carter, I'm a, I've had a whole list.

They're going to not, they're going to regret it now. I have a national TV show. I'm the co-star. Our opening guy was Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's the first guest. I wanted to ask. He was the very first. So I'm sitting there, two legends, and I'm not allowed to talk supposedly.

Here's their conversation. A whole Hollywood kiss up. This is word for word. Arnold, the reason I had you as a guest on my premier talk show, you make a lot of money for a lot of the needy people. Folks, though he gave it up for no magic. You're the one who gave all the money back in my right. You got the AIDS awareness, the magic Johnson D. I knew who they are. Come on, Arnold. You're the one with them special Olympics helping those needy kids. I'm sitting there thinking, how am I going to blend in? So I lean over.

I almost gave up a buck to a homeless guy. He didn't have change for a 10. Oh Craig. Oh Craig, you are back. Oh, homeless guys are not going to come to the show. They, day three, magic goes, we'll be back after this. They took me off the couch. They whispered in my ear, you're going to be off the couch now.

It is segment one on day three. We're going to come back after this. They took me off the couch. They whispered in my ear. You're going to be off the couch now segment one On day three we're going to come back after this and didn't include me. They I started fighting with them I'm not coming off the couch. You're humiliating me like this. I'm like start no get off now You got to get off the couch right now. His eyeline is off. I go i'll bleed up whatever it is I'm fighting with him. I look at him. Maybe he'll help me out. He's just glazed over the cue card. I'm a good dude Anyway, they took me off the couch. Arsenio walks off, he's the guest. He goes, where's Shu?

He's funny. And then Magic goes, I wanted to be with you alone. They took me off the couch. I was gonna say, Arsenio probably knew you from a comedy. Of course, he said, where's Shu? He wanted to jam. And then they would throw me in like the fifth segment.

They were like trying to get rid of me. I was in a cooking segment. He would throw flour on my face. Now you're a cake. You know, this is horrible. How many episodes? Only a few. And then somebody sabotaged me and I got fired.

I got fired for real. And somebody, I won't say it as a comedian, he wanted the job. He did get the job for a couple of minutes and then they got rid of him. Then brought in Tommy Davidson, who ended up pretty much hosting the show, but it was one of the worst shows, one of the shortest lives. You know the only one shorter lived than that one?

Chevy Chase, same exact time. Same era. Yeah, same era. Yeah, I remember he had a bad one too, but I do remember Magix being like really hyped. And then just fall. Oh, Ryan, you were bad. You fell for the hype. It was really an experience for me. Real damage to the showbiz career, you know.

And then they fired me and they owed me like $80,000 and I went in. Of course, cheap me. I didn't want to get a real lawyer. I went against them and oh my God, there's the Fox suits, loads of suits. It's all they do all day long in their legal department. I went with a guy from SAG-AFTRA, the lawyer, looked like a beatnik. He's like Walter Mathau with a bow tie, he used to keep going against these guys in arbitration. The arbitrators, that's the thing people understand, they're paid by the richer people. So they're going to give them because they're going to get another job from the rich people, not from me. So that was a loss.

I was all that money's gone. Craig, this has been, I know we could go for hours and you're welcome back anytime, brother, this has been one hell of an episode. What you're it's, it's been great to sit and talk to you and get to know you finally and the voiceover all these years. Um, something I ask every first guest only when they're here is advice you would give to your 16 year old self. I'm curious.

What are you telling 16 year old Craig Shoemaker? Jesus Christ. There could be a lot, couldn't there? Um, don't do things for other people. You know, uh, be of service to others. I tell people when I coach them You know, be of service to others. I tell people when I coach them, I say be of service to the audience. They could be there. I've helped people that are ready to commit suicide. I have stories about that, that they didn't commit suicide from they enjoyed my comedy or whatever it was.

But be yourself and don't respond to people that are trying to tell you what to do. And especially when they tell you what to do when they haven't experienced it. They have no credibility. They're just telling you out of a book or theory or whatever it is. That's what took my now ex-wife away was all theories. There's all, none of it works. There's no dime that's being made. There's nothing, but really, really listen to your heart and your

true source that's within you. We are potent. We are potent as humans. We have a potency that wishes to be released as a potency of love, light and laughter. So go with that as much as you possibly can. And then the people that are supposed to be around you will be around you and the ones who aren't will go away.

That's what I'd say to a 16 year old. That's great advice, dude. Unrehearsed, I have no idea what I just said. We can watch it back, brother. Thank you. Thank you for doing this. Thank you for everything. Please promote one more time again, right there.

Plug anything you'd like. My website, craigshoemaker.com has the merchandise and it's got my schedule. I'm still doing standup, but I'm really concentrating on bringing laughter to laughter works, to companies and corporations. Cause you know, corporate wellness or wellness needs a sense of humor.

If any time during, after the pandemic, we really need to get well. Laughter is the best medicine. It needs to be deployed. And we have a system that deploys it. So contact me for coaching. I love coaching people. I coach individuals, either stand-ups or people doing presentations. One person shows, help them find their voice. If anything has happened for me is I found a voice. Yeah, you did. And that voice is so important that we can connect with. And it's not about school teachers

how to regurgitate. I help people become who they truly are, who their destiny is, who they're genuine. I call it genuine energy flow, who you truly are. And I probably have a bunch of other stuff I'm not promoting. The book, you can go buy the book. It's a silly little thing called Laugh-Formation, it's a 40-day cleanse. I'm really about laughter healing. I really am. I have the Laughter Heals Foundation.

We could use some money as well. I've had that for years dedicated to my friend. It passed away with a brain cancer. It lived 15 years from laughing. Wow. Yeah. I didn't tell you that story? No. Oh my God. Real quick. Yeah, please. One of my best friends, we did the movie The Love Master. That's my character. Yeah. I didn't tell you that story? No. Oh my God.

Real quick. Yeah, please. One of my best friends, we did the movie The Love Master. That's my character. Yeah. And he wrote Cool Running, his little giants. Oh, he did? Yeah.

And he got brain cancer. They gave him three months to live. And I said, that was my moment. That was my ha ha moment, I call it. It's not about me and my one-offs of comedy and my ego. And I started this program where I, like a laugh for life program in a cancer facility. He showed up for all of it, prescriptions.

I gave prescriptions of laughter and he, I said, go to comedy shows. I tell the, you know, the cancer patients and their caregivers who also have it almost as bad as my research showed me that. And this was a nonprofit for years dedicated to him. And he showed up for all of it to the point where he was at so many shows of mine, I had a restraining order. He was at so many of my shows, there he was again, there's Golds.

And a lot of us helped him, and he had a little daughter a year and a half when he got the diagnosis. You have three months to live, and he lived 15 years past that. 15 years. Yeah, yeah. And one more thing, I made him laugh on his deathbed.

He was in a coma, we filmed it for a movie. He was in abed. He was in a coma. We filmed it for a movie. He was in a coma. He was in a coma. You saw a response? Well, he ended up in, it was awful. He ended up in his old folks place in the valley. It was just awful. By the way, if you ever feel bad about yourself

and you want to get laid, go to old folks place. They come out with no gums. Hey, I'll take you in the closet. Unbelievable. I've never felt so good about myself. I have no teeth. I'm perfect for you. I mean, so I go in and we filmed it for this documentary. He's staring, I go gold, so I'm waving my hand.

His eyes open? Yeah, I open, but absolutely gone. Like, do you hear me? And he's not responding. So what can I do for you? I was so, I really wanted to help my friend. What can I do for you? I leaned in, I really wanted to help my friend. What can I do for you? And I leaned in, I go, I want me to jerk you off.

I said, I've never done anybody by my own. I'll give you a handy. He came out of a coma and he goes, ah! Ah! He laughed one more time and he passed away two days later. We got her on film. Otherwise, I swear, I felt so good about myself.

I made my friend laugh. You know, joy is what keeps you living. It keeps you want to live. So be surround yourself with laughter. And that's, that's what this podcast is all about. Like let's talk about the worst times and find light and laughter in the dark moments. That's why I wanted to do this podcast.

I appreciate you doing it, brother. Thank you so much. This is a great episode. You got it. Uh, as always Ryan Sickler on all your social media, do what Craig says. Go see live comedy for real. Go to your club in town. Go watch live comedy. We'll talk to you all next week. Thanks for watching!