The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - 358: David Koechner - I Hope I Like Me

Episode Date: November 3, 2025

SPONSORS: Booking.com - Head over to Booking.com and start your listing today. Get Seen. Get Booked on Booking.com. Ridge Wallet - Take advantage of Ridge’s biggest sale of the year and GET UP TO 47% off by going to https://www.Ridge.com/HONEYDEW  Rag & Bones - Upgrade your denim game with Rag & Bone! Get 20% off sitewide with code HONEYDEW at https://www.rag-bone.com My HoneyDew this week is comedian and actor David Koechner! Check out David on the road, and the latest film he starred in called Ganymede. David joins me this week to Highlight the Lowlights of his small town upbringing, breaking out into show business, and his long battle with alcoholism. We talk about David’s experience growing up catholic in a small Missouri town, and how he would go from sneaking episodes of SNL while his parents were out of the house, to eventually getting a one season run himself. David also opens up about his struggles with alcoholism, the trouble it has got him in, and finding his way into recovery. Check out my new standup special “Live and Alive” streaming on my YouTube now! https://youtu.be/PMGWVyM2NJo?si=SrhXjgzR1pe6CyYE SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE and watch full episodes of The Dew every toozdee! https://youtube.com/@rsickler SUBSCRIBE TO MY PATREON - The HoneyDew with Y’all, where I Highlight the Lowlights with Y’all! Get audio and video of The HoneyDew a day early, ad-free at no additional cost! It’s only $5/month! AND we just added a second tier. For a total of $8/month, you get everything from the first tier, PLUS The Wayback a day early, ad-free AND censor free AND extra bonus content you won't see anywhere else! http://patreon.com/RyanSickler What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail] Get Your HoneyDew Gear Today! https://shop.ryansickler.com/ Ringtones Are Available Now! https://www.apple.com/itunes/ http://ryansickler.com/ https://thehoneydewpodcast.com/ SUBSCRIBE TO THE CRABFEAST PODCAST https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187

Guys, it's been, I think, a little over a week now, and I can't thank you enough for all the kind words and the great feedback on this special. I am going to sit here and pat myself on the back. I went from almost being killed to releasing this special. And it's been a two and a half year labor of love. And we crushed it. I found every single person to work on this within in a single dad budget living in this expensive-ass city of Los Angeles. And I'm going to say we crushed it. We did. This is nothing like my last special.

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show right here. It's the Honeydew with y'all. And y'all have the wildest stories. I promise you'll ever hear on the internet. We've been doing it for years. It's five bucks a month. It's never been higher than five bucks a month. It is a cup of coffee a month for hundreds of wild episodes. So if you or someone you know has a story that has to be heard, please submit it to the Honeydue podcast at gmail.com. If you send it before, send it again, bump it to the top. We would love to do an episode with you. That's the biz. You know what we're doing here. We the low lights. I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. And I am very excited to have this guest with us here today. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome. David Kekner,

welcome to the honeydew, David Kekner. Thank you for having me. Thank you so much for being here. Long time coming. It has. Yeah. Before we get into anything today, please right there, promote everything and anything you would like. David Kekner. So it's K-O-E-C-H-N-R. So follow me on Instagram and TikTok. I guess Facebook is still alive, but that you'll get all my dates. So it's November. I can't remember quite honestly. Well, right now what I'm doing. But go to my Instagram. You'll see all of those on there. You have a website with your dates as well. I have a website on there too. Yes, David Kekner. There you go. Thank you so much. David Kekner.com. Yes, dot com. All right. Thank you. That's very helpful. You got live dates. You're out there on the road.

Always always on the road. I think I changed the tour name to the never ending tour. That's, well, hey. Yes. Good and bad. Right. I spoke earlier. I have five kids and, you know, two of them are still in school. So keep it going to go on, baby. We're going to get into all that. Anything else you'd like to push out there right now? I did, I'm doing three movies. Can't talk about them, of course, till they come out. So things are good. Things are good. Oh, here's one. You're in everything. I love it. There's a really good one called Ganymede. It's an interesting name. Ganymede. Now, here's the, here's, it's a genre bender. It's a gay coming of age story where the horror twist. And it's a drama. And I play this super nasty preacher. And it is not to be

missed. It's so good. It's on Hulu right now on Amazon Prime. Check it out. I mean, you're a comedic legend, obviously. And you've worked with other comedic legends. Do you prefer these days comedy or drama? Like, what do you? I don't. I'm not going to have a preference. I'm going to be better at comedy. There's no question. There's no question. It has to be the right drama because I This character specifically is something you were like, I got this. Yeah. Yeah. A nasty preacher from a small town and he's got a southern accent.

Do you think maybe I could do it? Do you? Sickler? Yeah, sick. Because he's a sick man. So, yeah, when it's the right thing. You know, I will say this. I auditioned for, because I have to audition for dramas and sometimes comedies.

And boy, it's hard to keep that ego and check. isn't it? I mean, I got to, look, I hear you loud and clear on that. But, like, if you're looking for a David Kekner type, can we just fucking see if he's available and interested, please? I mean, come on, bro. You don't want to tell your agents, no. I auditioned for this comedy, and I was like, okay. And I did pretty well with it, I thought. And it was set in New York. You hired a guy from New York. Yeah. Why? Look, I don't, it's not a waste of my time. It's, I'm grateful. But I wasn't, come on, guys, come on. Then you hate to be that guy, but you go, no, if you don't know what I do, then I can't help you. Now, there was a drama I auditioned for, and my son helped me with it. And I worked on it pretty well and didn't get it. I'm like, okay, probably going to be a real tough guy that we've seen a million times. No, some guy didn't know. Oh, okay.

My son, the movie actually didn't turn out very well. I was very disappointed. I was like, wow, because I'd seen another, I don't want to give it away anyway, but then the scene came up and, like, that's the scene. We watched it. I'm like, well, this guy wasn't special. I was like, Charlie, my audition was better than that. He goes, yeah, pops, it was.

And he would tell me, he would go, no, no, he's doing. I was like, wow. And I know I didn't get it. If I walk under your screen, there's an expectation. It's not going to be a heavy dude, you know? So anyway, that was probably one like, they're not going to give it to me. They're not going to check the credits and see if there's some last matching names. You know what I mean?

Some matching last names going on in there. Yeah. Anyway, I want to say this real quick. My PT, Aaron Park, what's up, Aaron Park, loves you too. And he told me yesterday. What's PT? Physical Therapist. He works me out.

He was like, oh, I love him. He said that you were in one of his favorite movies, and he's older like me. And he said it was an older. It was a snowboard movie or so. Out cold. That's what he said. He said, he said, he said, he ever hear this snowboard movie? Out cold?

I said, no, I haven't. I remember a hot dog like a ski, but Al Cold, you're in that one, yeah. It came out in 2000. So, you know how this goes. When you are in high school and that movie comes out, that's the thing that sets your introduction to comedy and you will always love it. Even later, you're like, that's not very sophisticated, but whatever, you know, yeah. So let's get to know you. Where are you from originally?

I grew up in a very small town in central Missouri called Tipton, T-I-P, T-O-N, yes, there are seven T-IpT-T-T-N. Yes, there are seven Tiptons around the United States. Unrelated. So it is about 35 miles north of the Lake of the Ozarks. We're all familiar with the show The Ozarks. So it's dead center. Closest movie theater is 45 miles away in Jefferson City, Missouri. So I grew up there in this small time. Yeah. Have you ever performed in Yakoff, Smirnoff's? No, his theater down there, yeah.

No, no, I just, I did the blue note. Yeah, oh, in St. Louis. Yeah, no, down in Springfield. Oh, there's another one there? It's blue something, blue room, whatever it is. Yeah. And Yaakov has a podcast, and he came up and intervened my thing. So are you also from a big, you have five kids?

Are you from a big family? I'm one of six. You're one of six. My mother was one of 11. Damn. My dad was one of nine. My mother grew up in a Irish Catholic family. How Irish.

My mother's one of 11. Out of those 11, there are two priests and two nuns. Do you think I was raised Catholic? A little bit, bro. Brother, we didn't go. Are you Catholic? I am. We had a nun in the family, a great aunt, Sister Carmina.

Right. And we had to, you know, you. like we she'd make us go to church and then we couldn't go get the communion unless we did our and we're like come on sister we don't do that and she's like you're gonna go what is it repent oh confession yeah we had to go to confession before you received the you know communion communion we're supposed to go through the whole process to take the sacrament well i'm baptized i am uh i have my communion i've got my confirmation i got the paperwork as far as it ends up being real i got the documents You know what I got?

You've seen Carl Sagan's Mites on a Plum. Kirsten? Mites on a plum. Mites on a plum. It's in three minutes. Like, oh, okay. I'll just think about that. Carl Sagan, Mites on a Plum.

It's a bad Sagan, but I'll try. He talks about the idea that we are the center of the universe that thought, we are merely Mites on a Plum. And he goes, the thing that blew my mind that's, never, you know, hadn't read any of his books. He said there's probably multiple universes. This is a universe that we pretend we're the center of. And it's the only one. Right. Yeah. It's just, it's delicious. My tone of plumb. Anyway. So you're raised Catholic. Catholic. So very Catholic. Are you like in the church? Are you a altar boy? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Do all that stuff.

Oh, yeah. So you're not just a town. Are you Sunday school as well? Caddicism. Well, you do all that in Catholic grade school. So you went to elementary. Oh, man. You're, so I went to regular public school, but I did Sunday schools. You're not. You're not.

You're not even Catholic. Yeah. I'm a part-time, Kyle, we're sure. We're Easter, Christmas, and funerals. I think grade school, I think, I got checked with my sister Mary Rose, but I think we went to church every morning before school. So was I tired of it? Brother.

So, yeah, very Catholic. I would say, um, my people. parents' worldview is Catholicism. So I would say so we are a mainframe and the software they run and put into me was Catholicism. Like that's a very narrow software. Anyway, so small town, do you want me to tell the whole story? Yeah. Okay. Small town, I'm the third of six. My father grew up on a farm outside of Tipton. My mother grew up at a farm outside of Kansas City, place called Plattsburgh. And they grew up very poor. My dad, they're whatever, just farm. so they got married, moved to Tipton. My dad moved my mom to Tipton. I don't think she was

very happy about it. Years later, you find it like, oh, you didn't like your in-laws. Wow. And that's all she had there. Anyway, my father was a manufacturer. He manufactured livestock trailers for turkeys. I don't say turkey coops because they go, was I in your backyard? No. On a 40-foot trailer, it's welded onto the trailer. It's not something. cute or stoop in the backyard. No one raises turkeys in the backyard. Okay? Not funny. Oh, you don't want you to do a bald joke. Oh, good. Oh, God. I'm devastated. Anyway, so I started working for my father when I was seven years old. Did I like it? No. What are you doing? At that point, so it's a manufacturing plant. So there's multiple shears and saws, welders. So I would pick up the

scraps around the shears to begin with. Also, he used to sell several items like gas barrel stands, probably not a reference, farrowing crates, all this stuff. They required a number of bolts to be packaged in with the stuff that they shipped out. So I'd count the nuts in the bolts, stuff like that. He's like, I'm not going to pay someone $8 an hour to do that when I'll do it for $25. Anyway, I will say this. So my brother and I used to have to work Saturday mornings, half Saturday. So I resented it, yeah. But I've never drawn an unemployment check in my life. Is that right? Yeah. Good for you. So I can't say that. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing. So he gave me that. You know, I still have a callous. You know, every time I'm on a set and I see a teamster. And, you know, I'm not a soft guy.

When you get a callus, it's for life, right? That's, you know, you put some work in. Nice pads on his hands. Yeah. So then one of six. We've got a modest Catholic grade school, the public high school. There's not a, it's not a curious place. There's not a lot of vigorous exchange of ideas. How do your parents meet from Tipton and Kansas City? My dad was working for his brother in Cameron, Missouri, near Plattsburgh. My uncle had a landscape, a bulldozing business basically, like big construction, whatever.

And so my dad saw my mom in a bar. And he's talking to some guy at the bar. And he was, who's that girl over there with the small ears? And the guy goes, I don't know her. Turns out it was her brother. Nah. Yes. And he's like, I don't want this guy to meet my sister.

Anyway, so they meet, start courting. That's the word they used. And then, yeah, got married. And so, yeah, my mother had three kids in three years. Mark, Mary Rose, and David, in three years. And Mark had a tough infancy. He had an exploded appendix and they thought there was going to be long-term consequences. So you've got a worried mother who keeps having kids.

Dad is working at our first shop. We called it the shop. This first plant, probably 70 hours a week. Damn. Yeah, he'll work. And what size house are you guys that went in? We rented that little farmhouse probably I bet it's a two bedroom, although it did have on upstairs, maybe three bedrooms. How many people total in?

At that point, at that point, no, no, we moved when I was five to town. Oh, yeah, into tip. Indefficially in, you know, city limits. Yeah, yeah. I knew early, I knew early I'm different. You don't think of it that way, but you're like, doesn't everyone want to get out of here? Different from your family or everyone.

Yeah. Okay. There's one or two people. You're like, okay. But I knew I have a very distinct memory when I was 10 years old. I walked around the west side of my house by myself having one of those pensive moments. And I'm like, yeah, I got to go, I don't know where, but I got to live in a city. I'm leaving.

And so I made that decision. I remember making it right now. And that was it. I'm leaving. So you don't tell people. When I was 13, I knew I was going to be on Saturday Night Live. I know that sounds egotistical and argument. It's not.

Now, I just had a belief. I want to do that. And now, this is a show that my parents would not have let me watch. This is what I was going to ask too, right? They went out dancing on Saturday night. nights. And I watched my three younger siblings. And so I put them to bed and watched Saturday Live. Now in the Midwest, it came on at 1030. So, yeah. And who's the cast when you're watching then? The original. Okay. I remember the live commercials for Saturday Night Live.

Did they do live commercials? Um, mumbly peg is when you put your hand down like this and you take a knife and you bop, bup, blah, blah, without looking at it. Yeah. Chevy Chase did mumbly peg live. That's a commercial? I'm like, what was going on? This is the most amazing. fascinating thing. Now, that's one. But then I was just enamored with the show. But then one Saturday night, I had put the kids to bed, and I came back to a movie. It's on it. I'm like, oh, this looks like a scary movie. It's just dark and you see fog. And then something's coming over the hill. Clock, clock, clock, clock, clock, clock, clock, clock, clock, clock. It's Monty Python and the Holy Grail. And it blew my mind. I couldn't believe something could be this funny and this smart.

I was just like, well, that's it. I'm sold. That's, I'm doing that. So, yeah. So that's what I, but now, again, I didn't tell anybody, probably one or two people. Well, here's something interesting you said to. You said, I put the kids to bed. You sound like a parent there.

I mean, but growing up taking care of siblings, do you think that played apart in wanting a bigger family? No. Wanting to be a dad? No. I was not a kind brother. Oh. I wasn't getting my needs weren't getting mad at home the way that I needed them.

I don't blame my parents because they couldn't know. And so I would probably brutishly put them to bed and yell and screaming. My sister forgave me. Is that right? I was very tough on my sister, Cecilia. And years later, she said, Dave, I forgave it. I know you're mad at mom and dad. I was like, somebody went and did some work too, huh?

Wow. Yeah, right? So, yeah, but this all culminates in a rejection of, you know, the software, the Catholicism, and the church and all that stuff. and so take it easy. We all get our paths. You can stay with your religion. I can choose mine. We all get to do whatever.

Mine is me. Listen, people ask me about my religion all the time, and I say this. I 100% believe in God. Right. Okay, whatever that is to you, you know. You choose. I don't believe in God that I was taught through the Catholic Church, but I'm no fool to believe to be ignorant enough to not know something higher is going on.

Right. Something. Like, come on, man. Okay. Look at this. Yeah. But the Catholic Church is the reason I turned against the Catholic Church. Not because of anything I've read.

Being in that institution and then watching what those people have done to children to the, that was enough for me to say, hey, I still love. I still, I'm a spiritual person, but this organized religion here is fuck this shit. Here's the thing for me that's interesting. the major organized religions, let's say Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. Those are the three majors. Now, we also have Buddhism, which is not an institute. It's a way of life. You don't have these organizations, right?

Have I missed one? Those three are the three most organized. They're the most prominent for sure. All of them, women are second-class citizens. Why would you participate in that? Children are even... Oh, God. It's a fallacy from the start.

Come on, gang. So whatever. Let's start there. Well, Adam gave Eve his rib. That's a metaphorical story that didn't actually happen. And written by a man, by the way. Come on. Anyway.

Also, I'm 13 years old. I can't touch it. I know. I know. What do you mean? I'm going to burn in health. You can't masturbate. I mean, please.

What are you talking if my body is screaming at me right now? I remember asking me. my mother, if it's really a sin. Yeah. And she said, yes. She said, yeah, yeah. Like, what are you talking about? So, you know, it's impossible.

You can't even live in your own body. So this is the question I wanted to ask you is when you leave Tipton, you also leave Catholicism. It's not like, just because you leave home doesn't mean you leave, you know, your religion, but you did as well. Guess where I had to go to college? A Catholic school. My dad's, my mother's brother. Abbott, Brendan, was the abbot of the monastery at Benedict and college in Atchus and Kansas. Now, they weren't linked anymore. They used to be, you know, monastery, but it's still that school.

So that's the only place I had a choice. I didn't have a choice. That's there. So I remember being a freshman in college in sitting in the church in an afternoon. I said, I need something. I need some here. I need a sign that I stay here. And I'm sorry. I got to put you on the watch. And I waited for a while. And then I left. And that's all there was. How long did you stay?

Oh, that day in the church? No, I mean, how long into college? Oh, oh. So I had to do two years of Benedictin. Okay. And then I went to the University, Missouri for a year. Okay. And I'd always wanted to do, you know, theater and comedy.

I was a polysci major because my parents weren't going to pay for a theater degree. And so I stopped going to. to classes that I visited a friend in Chicago, saw the Second City, saw that they taught classes and looked, well, okay. And so that's what happened. So I quit, I quit, quit go to school, worked three jobs there in Columbia, Missouri, saved my money, moved up to Chicago. Okay, great. And then you start in Second City then? That's where you're... I was very fortunate. I did, but I did the I O first, the Improvillum. Improvillum. And I'm so thankful that I did, because that was the real good business. That made me.

the best of who I am. And so then I would take a second to see the same time. So I would be in class. I was in class or on stage five days a week. And that's how you do it. Yeah.

You know, it really is Gladwell's 10,000 hours. You know, put the time in. Yeah. And I happen to come to, I know I'm talking a lot, but I take the time. So a lot of us when we were 13, S&L came on.

All of us moved to Chicago. Colbert, Corell, Adam McKay, Polar, Fay, There are 15 writers in late night that you probably know, but your viewers don't that have informed our comedy for the last 25, 30 years. Listen, I dated a girl who came through the Chicago scene Improv Olympic, and one night we're just sitting and watching TV. And she's like, there's this one, this one, this is during the, and then it cuts to commercial. And she goes, and her and her and him and him. I go, I looked at her.

I said, until I met you and you've literally, I had no idea. that Chicago was that fucking deep. Dude. It's deep. So I got Saturday Night Live and then Bernie Solens who was... What year? What year was your second? 95, 96, one season.

So I, Bernie Solens, who established Second City in 57, wouldn't have dinner with me. I'd done a play with him, but certainly, you know, people wouldn't have dinner with you. And he said he'd never seen a confluence of talent like had been there the last 10 years. And it's true. You just, you don't know. You're working the best. Farley and I started at the same day. Okay? So you've got all these people that are going to be stars or difference makers in the medium. And so you just think they're good people. So yeah, I was very fortunate to be there at the time. And I'll say this and I'll shut

my mouth. We all went to be good. And we thought the consequence of being good was fame would probably come. Doesn't matter. The difference is then 10 years later, people don't want to go to be good. They want to be famous. Big difference. Yeah. There is a big difference. I see a lot of that in comedy too now where it's not the people coming up. It's like, hey, I want fame. And it's like, if you're getting into comedy for money, good fucking luck. Yeah. It doesn't come for if it does it all a long time. And you know that. Yep. And guess what the good thing about comedy is you know right away you either got it or you don't like i don't know how actors can do it how why are you you both seem to be the same uh attractiveness and 10 of you guys all look alike to me right now yeah what how is

which one's going to be the better actor i don't know no comic we do it we go out there and you're gonna laugh and that's the way it goes and that's why i get the check yeah let me ask you this though so we're going back to 13 here i've had a lot of coffee by the way but um um you're believing this whole time, I'm going to get on SNL. Yeah. And you're also going against your religion, what your family would support, all of this stuff. When you get that fucking, how do you get notified that you got it? Okay.

So. 95, 96. No, internet's just starting. Are you getting a call? Yeah. What happens is you go out for your first audition. Now, here's this is going to sound arrogant, but it's not. I had a belief.

And I'm like, this is going to happen. And so I go out for the first audition. And you're not going to believe it. I improvised the audition. You did? Yeah. You didn't have to send a submission in or anything? Oh, no, no.

I would have flown out. They'd seen me in Chicago. Okay. So they fly out to people they want to see. And so I had to do a political impression. A celebrity. I did James Buchanan. Okay.

Because we have about the same voice. James Buchanan. He wasn't going to be, you know, like people, they were, this is going to be an election year. So they knew who he was. And I did Jim Carrey. And who else in a buddy comedy? Walter Matthews, a partner, come on. Oh, God.

Grumpy old man? Yeah, but the other, I can't think of his name. Jack Lemon. Jack Lemon, thank you. Oh, boy. I did a very bad Jack Lemon and Jim Carrey in a buddy comedy. Okay, okay. And it was just horrible, but it didn't matter.

It was enough because I knew. Did you tell you on the spot? No, no. No. Then you wait and get a call back for a second audition. I wrote the second audition. I did five different characters, like almost in a stage play in a way. And I was, dude, I was in the zone.

It was mine. I had no nerves. The room's cold. Whatever. Isn't it you in that? Eighth. And how many people are up in there? Like four or five, right?

Everyone has different stories. Yeah, four or five at the most. Not many. I mean, years later, I heard someone say there's a bunch of writers in the room. There's nobody in the room. There's Lauren walking around doing this. Might well order to people. You know you're not getting it last.

Thing I didn't know it, I'm glad I didn't know it. It's being live streamed to everybody that works at NBC. Oh, shit. That would have freaked me out. But anyway, dude, I go and I do it. I knew it. Then he called out for a third meeting. So at the meeting, you either get the job or you don't.

I don't know how many people don't get the job in that meeting. But I knew I had it, but I heard about the guy, this, our same class was this guy that had, we all thought he was from England because all he talked about is a British accent, right? Turns out he tells him, he tells him, that day he's not British he didn't get the job yeah yeah like dude really oh yeah you don't fool Lauren Michaels you make him look like a fool you dumbass right yeah anyway so yes got the job and then uh led to my own demise because a friend of mine said said you know you don't you don't suffer fools gladly, which is true. I can't. I can't. If I don't like you, you're going to

know it. If I don't respect you, you're going to know it. I like, I mean, well, we're in this business, but really, you shouldn't be here. Anyway, I do the show, and it's unbelievable how they don't take care of their fucking prisoners. What do you mean? Like Vince McMahon for all of his failures, and there are many. He's apparently a horrible guy. He gets his wrestlers over. you have a plan to get your wrestler over, just go see what happens. Fight for the, it's literally Lord of the Flies. And it shouldn't be.

It's dumb. It's really stupid. You've got a really stupid. That's why when your show suffers, it's because you run it poorly. There you go. What are you going to do to me? Nothing.

But that's the way it works. It works for some people. Now, here's the thing I said to myself, it's a six-year contract. I said to myself, I'm not staying six years. I'm going to leave after three. I already said that to my mind. Even though, let's go back for one second.

What is it like when you fucking, you get that? Because this is a guy who has, like, you rolled a lot of dice here and you've left a lot of family, religion, all that. To not get it would be, whiff, but you get it. To not get it wasn't even, I never even, no. I was getting it. How did you feel? Did you feel justified? Yep, here we go.

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Let them know we sent you. Now, let's get back to the deal. Now, I had a very successful year. I had four recurring characters, political impressions. No, I got airtime. You know, Jay Moore, God bless him, gasping for airtime. I wasn't gasping. You wanted more, but I had a solid season.

no reason to not pick me up. There were two people that didn't cotton to me. One was a producer from NBC, and another one was a writer on the show. And so those people, I'd said something disparaging about the writer, and it's true. I'd said something, come on, right? But his buddy didn't say anything to me at the time, like, that's my friend. He pouts for two weeks, then goes, tells the guy, and he made it his mission to get me off the show. Fucking children. Come on, man. Come to me.

Go, hey, motherfucker. I heard you said shit. Okay, I did. And I was wrong. I'll apologize. And you've done this and this and this. Now we're talking. No, let's just get the smallest part of ourselves.

Anyway, so that was that. But I was very fortunate in that I got an exit interview with Lauren. Nobody does. I did. What do you mean? I got to say goodbye. You did. He wanted to sit down with you.

Well, I asked. he said yes. Okay. And we talked, Dave, you're an artist. Don't change that. And I thought, so you don't want an artist here? Dave, Bill Murray would never do a sitcom. So that's a type of like, what is this weird advice? So I avoided sitcoms, which was dumb. Right? Anyway, dude, I fell forward the whole time. So here we are. And what kind of, uh, I know the hours are crazy. Are you just burn a candle, birth ends? I'm built for that, dude. I'm built for that, dude. go let's go yeah and then go drink so that's talk about that oh boy is that where drinking starts for you no not the problem with drinking well i started when i was 10 10 yeah well shit you're three

years into your dad's business art yeah yeah yeah yeah oh yeah dude i'm getting drunk in eighth grade oh yeah drunk in eighth grade i'm a good catholic buddy hey dude this body must have a constitution Because I'll tell you what, I put it down, brother. What did you get a hold of at 10? Someone's buddy, somebody bought Strawberry Hill and Easy Nights. Strawberry Hill, Boone's Farm, Strawberry Hill, Boone's Farm, Strawberry Hill, T.J. Swan, Easy Knights, and also stepping out. And so we drink wine.

And then eventually, by the time you're a senior, you're drinking beer. And so that was it. Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer. That was your drink, beer. Tons of it, baby. Liquor. No. Everyone's why I do liquor.

But you're going to throw, you're going to throw up. So just beer. Beer's that fun buzz all day, all night, you know? So, yeah, if you want to cut to that one, I mean, so then I'm doing that for whatever, all my life. I drank for 50 years. 50? Yeah.

Like, what's a day? Every day? Oh, yeah. Probably. Toward the end, yeah. So what, what's a day for you and toward the end? I mean, how many beers are we talking? Oh, it'd be a mix.

So you go, you're hiding now. Now you're an alcoholic. Now you're an alcohol. When do you realize that? Oh, um. 11. Um, before I was 50. You did.

Yeah. I'm like, uh, I got to stop, got to stop, got to stop. In my late 40s, got to stop, got to stop, got to slow down. Why is your, why is your conscious talking to? Are you having health problems or, no, I just, I know, do I, UIs or any trouble? Those are coming. Don't, don't say that. They're coming.

No, I had to. Oh, you know. not know that it's not on the big board i've had two do you guys we can get there um up there so i see they're coming in the story if you want it bob bet yeah so in my late 40s i'm like yeah i got a problem probably my 30s like yeah but it's fine god dude i don't know how i i know imagine what could have happened if i was sober the whole time i'd have posters but it's fine so late 40s you know but i'm in the marriage that's not great and i got kids and more kids and so you've got a lot of it then it's just maintenance i need a couple beers

after whatever at the end of the day so there's just some you know cool down beers and are your five children all the same mom oh yeah okay so um i'll tell that one really quickly we got married got pregnant within two months she had a difficult birth lost her uterus still had her ovaries so we created our own kids with her eggs and my cum medical i'm a doctor i'm a doctor mr honeydue i'm a doctor do, Paging Dr. Honeydew, Honeydews and Honeydotes. So we created embryos and used all of them. We had 11 embryos. We used the first three got our daughter Margo. And then the other eight were frozen and two groups of four. Thought out the first group of four got the twins. Thought out the last group of four got the last kid. There's no more embryos left, but that's why I have five kids.

Okay. Yeah. So two are twins. I'm a twin. So. Well, technically, Technically, they all are. I guess they all are, yeah. Yeah, they're all created on the same day. That's interesting. Boy, that really starts to fuck with you when you find out when. And I always say that, too, the argument about when life begins and whatever. But as a twin, I mean, you're saying life begins in the, am I older?

I'm technically not. Yeah. My brother's born at 1. I'm born at 104. Yeah. But I could be the older fetus in the belly. Yeah. But I'm determined, life begins for me when I come out of my mom's vagina after this guy.

I don't forget, but I never thought of that. They're all, yeah, all those are. They're all. Just hatched. Could a different. Conceived on the same day. Hell yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Anyway, so that's how I got that. And then, yeah, a difficult marriage. So the drinking increased probably exponentially because of that, for sure. I'm not blaming her. I'm blaming me. But it was difficult. And that's a whole different thing and whatever.

But then after, I went to rehab once when I was married, twice, didn't stick. Rehab doesn't work just so you know. It stops you from doing your thing for a month. And then if you don't get into AA, if you don't get in the program, there's no way. I don't see it. You know, I take antibuse, so that helps. What's that? It's called dysulfium.

If I drink, I'll violently throw up. Is that right? Yep. So I don't even think about alcohol. That's just a deterrent then. Is that all it is? Well, no, no. It's an impossibility.

You can't drink. Oh, it's an impossible. Oh, yeah, yeah. You could drink. It's not like, you know, Christina P. took Ozzympic and ate through it. They're like, yeah, you're not supposed to be able to do that. You can't drink through this shit.

Oh, oh, oh, if you drink, if you drink, you're going to throw up. Boom, right away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never tested it. What I've done once, well, let's see, because you can sneak, an alcoholic. I didn't know that. Schemes and bargains, constant. When you're an alcoholic, that's all.

All you're doing all day long scheming and bargaining. When can I? When can I? Now you're hiding because everyone knows you're an alcoholic because you've been to rehab twice, right? So I try to do dysolpherium. And I didn't have anybody making me take the pill. So I moved out by this point, I think. And the one I was going to tell a story.

So I had taken it for two weeks and then I stopped. So a week later, I had a beer and threw up in 20 minutes. So it's staged in your system. Okay. And now I do it, you know, at least three days a week. I have one of my best friends, Wes Winbury, shout out. I will either send him a video or we'll do it live on Facebook, FaceTime. And that will be for the balance of my life.

Because Wes, if he hasn't heard from me in four days, he'll text, Pilly Dilly, please, you know. Is he a sponsor or just a friend that you do this with? Or my oldest and dearest friends, yeah. I didn't know you could cry on this podcast. but I will. So, yeah, Wes will never abandon this duty. You know, I would say if West didn't hear from me in two weeks and if I didn't pick up the phone, he's going to fly out from Missouri and go, hey, what's up? Man, that's nice. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah. So I take my pill. And you know what I do? It does. I don't think about alcohol because I can't have it. You don't wake up and never think about stealing a car.

Yeah, I'm never in my life. Now that's the same with booze. Yeah, of course. But that's where I'm with the booze. I don't even think about it because it's not possible. No, I will, I'll tell people, I would, today, here's what would have happened, you know, if you're here there, I would have started drinking. And if I was already an alcoholic, I'd start hiding, and I'd find the way to hide it. I would have had two drinks before breakfast. Beers. Yeah.

No, no, no. By the end, you're buying shooters of a smirnoff or absolute. All the little, um, so. Airline, little one. eyes. Give her the evidence. So you just bang those down coffee, bang another one down coffee. I'm good.

Got a little buzz. Now, you don't realize, well, I can see your eyes are glassy, but they don't. They're surely not drunk by eight. I'm not drunk, but I got a little budge. So, and then what happens there is you have those two. Now, this is at the end. This is at the end. You have those two.

And, you know, maybe the kids aren't with me. me this week or there's somewhere else, you know, maybe their moms or whatever. So now after I do some work of some kind, I can have, uh, there's a game. Well, fuck, that's free drinking. I can go get a six pack of the highest alcohol IPAs. And of course, two more of the little bangers to finish it off at night, you know, because you're an alcoholic. There's no break. There's no handbrake. Yeah. Anyway, that's enough of me. Now, and what about your hands? And what about your health. How's your health? Remarkably good. Yeah. Remarkably well. Although I'm now pre-diabetic. I'm pre-diabetic. Pre-diabetic. Hardest thing to kick is sugar, baby. That's just shot a smooth

operators. Yeah, I got it. I got it. Wait, so hold on. Let's go back to alcohol for a second. So you drinking for, I mean, we're talking about decades. How long have you been sober? It'll be a year Thanksgiving. Oh, wow. This is newer then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, good for you. I've tried for 10 years.

Are this pill thing new? No, no, no. Pill thing. I've never taken it this sustainably. It's because of West. But is that a new medication? I don't know how you look up antibus or dyslophoreum. It's been around for a long time.

I don't know why people don't do it. In AA, we say there's no cure yet, right? So you do go to AA? Oh, yeah, whatever I can. I'll do it online to Zoom, whatever. Although I did one podcast. podcast that was a sobriety podcast. He goes, well, you can watch one of the podcasts. And that's, that's a meeting. I'm like, really? Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, dude, I'm,

what's replaced alcohol for you now? Sugar, sugar for a while. And then the doctor goes, what are you doing? What are you doing? You can't do that. Here's how the addiction goes. I would buy Tillamook cookie dough ice cream and then buy Oreo mega stuff. I don't fuck around. mega stuff put that in a heaping bowl but five of those on there crunch that thing up and get high as a kite bro you just eat that sugar and get that rush were you eating sugar like that before the alcohol uh not as much for everybody's doing yeah I've always had that sugar thing but uh yeah so yeah dude so yeah I have no health problems it's amazing amazing when did you get it when did you get your first DUI okay uh it was

right before New Year's 2022. I was... That's recent-ish too. Yeah, yeah. So you've been... All those years. That's what they say.

Once you finally get one, you could have had one 400 times before or something. I had been sober for six months. Really? Yeah. I tell this in my stand-up. I'd been sober for six months.

It's alcoholics love to change their sobriety date. Because, you know, I wanted to be January 1st. That's how dumb it was. I did that. Just an excuse to drink because the bear is rattling the cage that hard. So I drank and drove and got a DUI.

We're out here? Yeah, yeah. Seamy Valley. Yeah. Stupid. How far were you going? How far was the drive? Oh, it was good miles.

It was. Yeah. And they got you quick. Yeah. After I got off, I made my exit. What did they tell you they got you for? Oh, I popped a tire. I ran over a curb.

Oh, shit. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, you weren't driving well. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, yeah, yeah. I need to be off the road. Thank God, no one got hurt. Yeah.

Yeah. So then I was sober again for another six months. So, wait, you're going to jail that night? Yeah. Mm-hmm. And who let you just go out on your own recognizance next day? Next day. Next day I took an Uber.

And does that get publicized everywhere? Your fucking David Kegner. You can eat fucking shit. I can't wait to those motherfuckers go down. All the way out and see me Valley. They're finding out and shit. The cops send it to them. Oh, nah.

I didn't know that. They work with them. Fuck, yeah. Someone's going to tip line. So right away. 50 hundred bucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that out before you're even out of jail?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, uh, then I go back to AA, of course. You're doing your best. Uh, the acrimonious relationship with the X continues. Um, I have to fly to, okay, I had a flight to West Virginia for Comic-Con's because it was during the pandemic. Clubs are half full. So I was doing Comic-Conn's. And I'm a good soldier.

My flight from Charlotte didn't make it in. So my flight out to West Virginia won't make it. And I don't want to disappoint people. So I said, you know what? I'll just fly to Columbus and then I'll drive. Flew to Columbus. Now, it's a two-hour drive to this small town and wherever I'm in West Virginia. I had drinks on the plane because I'd had a fight with my ex. So I drank on the plane and rented a car, drove two and a half hours. Three miles from my hotel, I'm looking at my phone for the directions across the fog line. Woo! I had, after I got my car, I went to a gas station, bought a tall, no, I bought a six pet, no, no, I bought two tall boy IPAs. And I'm drinking one. I'm like, what are you doing?

You can't do that. So I threw it out the window, which wasn't quite all the way down. So it spills in the car. Oh, no. Then I throw it out and I throw the other one out. Yes, I littered. He doesn't see it? No, no, no.

Then I drive for two and a half hours. Oh, I see. So when I roll down the window, they smell the alcohol. I passed the sobriety test. They didn't give me a breathalizer out in the field. What's the test? just walking and all the bullshit this stuff everything but blowing the thing so then they take me to the station and i'm not still not no don't why do they take you if you pass i don't know i thought i

passed so then i'm down there and then this uh patrolman goes hey uh do you want to take a a breath lizer test i said i don't know and he goes well uh i said what happens if i don't take it well you can't drive in ohio for two years and my guess is you don't have to drive in ohio for two years which I thought was code for don't do it. So I'm here. I'm reading between the lines right now when you're saying it. It's an automatic OVI operating vehicle impaired. Well, you didn't tell me that part, motherfucker.

Well, let me blow on it and see what the fuck. So if you don't, then you automatically get this. Oh, so he doesn't tell you that. How's that look? Two DUIs in six months. And the irony is sober for most of that year. Do you think it's time to quit? Did I quit?

No. When's the next drink? I probably went three months after that second DUI because I was in a relationship and she was, you know, trying to hawk eye me as much as she could, not going to meetings. So, yeah, then you just keep, then I'll have, my thing was I would have, I would be sober for three months and fall, had a sponsor, have a sponsor. And, you know, that's typical. relapse is part of it Dave relapse is part of it so then I'd get four months sometimes like okay I beat that 90 days but you know I keep falling for some excuse because you scheme on your bargain then I'm like I can't I'm done I'm done so what's the alcoholic say Thanksgiving seems like a good day that's it all picks Thanksgiving when it's working so that's good is it running a family oh yeah my mom is alcohol oh mom is dad was too but dad had

had a pancreatitis and had to quit at 50. That's the only reason. Otherwise, my dad used to bring home a case and, you know, the lettuce crisper at the bottom of a refrigerator used to have, that's where the beer would go. Down there, huh? What did Mom like? Seven and Sevens. Oh, okay.

That was every day. She's drinking those. You don't know that. Right. You don't know that. She just quietly got drunk, stoned at night. Were your parents, are they still alive? No, they're past.

They both made it to 80. 80 yeah did you ever talk to them about it like later like you're where you find out your mom's like i've been drinking this shit all along or oh no that's you don't talk about your shame and catholicism never no even as they got older no she kept she she um had a heart attack at 57 and it was a smoker so she had to quit smoking and drinking and then this fucking doctor said you can have an ounce a day you don't tell an alcoholic you can have an ounce a day yeah so anyway but uh yeah so you know you got to quit you got to quit when you got to quit you know it quit it's okay you don't think and that's why they say one day to time because you can't quit forever you just you got to get through

the next 90 seconds i swear to go are you sober uh no uh well here it is you're not an alcoholic well i quit drinking i was never really a big drinker anyway you're not an alcoholic i went through watching i lived with a girlfriend at the time and she got a DUI And at the time I'm watching this and I'm like, oh, my God, this girl just paid $10,000, lost her license for a year, taking the bus to work. They make you go. I didn't know they made you go to AA classes and you got to get signatures and all this. And I was like, you know, all of that. And then it's not like that DUI gets wiped off the record after all that.

It's still fucking there. And I was like, man. And it dawned on. This is probably just right around 2005. And I'm like, well, I'm in these clubs. I drink three beers. Oh, yeah. I'm fine to drive home.

And then I started thinking, then I started seeing everybody was because this is before Uber and everything. And I'm like, man, if a dog runs out in front of me or something, even if it's not my fault. If I'm stopped, it's on me. I'm to blame. Three is a DUI. Boom. Yeah. Yeah.

And so that started my slow. And then with all the health issues I had a few years ago with clotting and all that out, they were like, your own blood thinners, you should stop. Now, I smoke marijuana. I smoke a small motherfucking forest. I'm not sitting here saying I'm putting anybody. Just alcohol is not there anymore. Fine. And I watch my friend, too, like, he comes over and he brings his daughter, my daughter, by 9.30, he's had his old-fashioned. He's sleeping on the couch. Yeah. He's done. And I'm playing with the girls and stuff. And I realize, like, even if I'm smoking marijuana, if there's an emergency, I can get up and function. He is incapacist. Like, he's, like, he

can't do shit. He's an added day. He's a problem now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm, that's my lesser of the twos. That's the one I choose. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, like, a plus, uh, uh, one of my daughters said, uh, she went to a wedding and she was dead. Fuck. You know, I want you to walk me down the aisle. She knows what she's doing. How old is she? She's 24.

That's tough. The worst part is what you put your kids through. Yeah. You know. But the thing is, you know, I tell them, don't drink. Please don't drink. Do they? Yeah.

Not bad. If they are in, I will move in. I will not. I'll move in. That's what. not allow it. You will not. I'm using that too. Yeah. You will not shit. You fuck up. I'm moving in. You will not be an alcoholic. Yeah.

Or an addict on my fucking watch. No. Are they all close? Well, you got to live their life. Fuck you. I've invested money in these pigs. What's that? Do they all live close or you guys all together? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, one's in Colorado at college. But they all want to come back to LA and so fucking happy. Yeah. My oldest boy and my youngest boy live with me uh i travel so much that my youngest daughter prefers not to go back and forth i we live a block away from each other me and the ex and so yeah yeah that's nothing um so yeah two of them live with me still and then one has her apartment with her boyfriend and then uh so yeah she lives a two miles away is what your daughter said the reason you really started no no no that's just after or just as a reminder uh yeah but uh drinking your

liver checked and everything. Oh, yeah, yeah. It was high at one point, but it's normal now, yeah. It's interesting to me because I have a, you know, thank God, I've sat across from so many people who talk about alcoholism, and I can sit at a bar, drink half a beer and walk away. And they look at me and say, nah, then they say, I can't even have one. No. And they'll say, if I sit down, I'll have 20.

And then they'll say, that's not an exaggeration. I'm not just saying 20. Yeah. That's not enough. I'm still going to go home and have one. it's it is a disease you're an alcoholic you're an alcoholic and there's no going back you will never not be an alcoholic again that's it too bad there was a kid i went to school with his brother was a year older than us and it was just a few years ago he hit me up and he said i have to let you

know my brother passed and i saw my god i'm so sorry what the hell happened he named 50 and he said he never stopped this is the it's not funny but right this line he never stopped drinking like we were in high school well first of all we're not supposed to be drinking oh no you know you're going that's what you're going you don't realize you can have a glass of wine you're going everything to get fucked up if you bought a six pack you're going to drink a six pack that's right yeah and so he said he drank like that and then he went to the he woke up one day and his eyes were yellow he just white at night yellow the next day he went to the doctor and they told him we're sorry it's it's too late for you and within a couple months he was gone wow yeah

Yeah. It's tough to give a liver to an alcoholic. They're the ones that need them the most. But this should be some inflammation. Probably should go to the sober ones first. Had you ever done AA and all that in your earlier years, though? So you've been trying for a while. Trying forever.

You have. Yeah. And my, my, be honest, who gives a shit? My sponsor said, Dave, you're a. hardcore alcoholic. Yeah. Which is interesting because when I think hardcore alcoholic, I don't think beer. You know what I mean?

I think the whiskey, the brown liquors. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, the white ones, you don't smell as much. Don't be giving tips. Well, that's why you do it. I switch to vodka. The vodka and the tequila's got a stamp of vodka, huh?

Yeah. Then you're a bag of nuts. Sad. Sad. I had a friend. This isn't funny either, but it does make me laugh. He was an alcoholic. And instead of getting help, he would scheme, like you said. And one of the things he swore by and other people said it to is he would keep peanut butter in the car. Yeah. That's true. And if he'd get pulled over, he'd eat it real quick. And they could not detect the alcohol on his breath. Because I do think he would have Vok. He might have screwdrivers or something. That won't be the breathalyzer, though. It won't be the breathalyzer, but his point is they're not. I'm not even going to smell it, and they're not even going to ask me to fucking get out of the car. And the other thing he fucking did, this is ridiculous.

It's true, too. Instead of again, going to get help, same dude, he got a priest costume. And after he'd leave the bar, he put the fucking cockpit. That's what I'm talking about. And he would drive home with the priest. Nobody's poor. If you don't love that, man, you don't love yourself. I love that man.

Wow. That's a dedicated. An dedicated alcoholic. That's a dedicated alcohol. I just gave a, I just gave, I just gave last wishes to a lad. And, well, the mom wanted, his wife wanted to have a little, a little hot toddy, so I did. Will you pray with me? Yeah, man.

The mind of the alcoholic, the addict, I should say. It's not just alcohol. It's the mind of the addict, man. Anything like you're saying, you're thinking of every single year. Yep. God, man, I'm so happy. Do you feel better now? Do you really?

You know it. You have a chance to be present. Yeah. My sponsor said, Dave, when you get through this, you're finally going to meet yourself. You know what I told him? I hope I like me. Dude, thank you for doing this, man. This has been really great.

It's been great to sit and talk to you. Damn, it's done. I talk way too much. This is what you're supposed to do. but thank you boy we've been trying to do this for a long time we have uh you'd hit me up on um instagram i think and i'd said yes and then it didn't happen that's the listen i tell people all the time the hardest part and when we have lunch and i'll tell you this too about podcasting is getting two people to sit down in the same fucking room for an hour it's really hard as shit

especially to more people you involve it gets harder and harder everybody's got schedules kids all that's it's difficult it's tough town you know you're busy you and i aren't show business We hustle. You will never quit. I will never quit. Let's go, baby. Pedal to the metal, shoulder to the wheel. Let's go.

It's been great to have you. Before we wrap up, I'm curious advice you'd give to 16-year-old David Kek. You already know. Don't drink at all. At all. Don't drink David Kekner because you can't do it. Yeah. That's great advice.

One more time. Promote everything you'd like, please. dates, you're all of them. Yes, website, David Kekner, David Kekner, K-O-E-C-H-N-R on TikTok and on Instagram. That'll get you there. Thank you, brother. God bless you. Thank you, man. Thank you so much. As always, Ryan Sickler on all your social media. We'll talk to y'all next week. I'm going to be.