The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - 370: Frank Caliendo | The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler #370 | Full Episode

Episode Date: January 26, 2026

My HoneyDew this week is comedian Frank Caliendo! Check out FrankOnStage.com to see where you can catch Frank live near you. Frank joins me this week to Highlight the Lowlights of his upbringing in Illinois and Wisconsin, with Dad playing minor leagues for the White Sox association, teaching Franks AAU teams, and even umping the local neighborhood wiffleball games. Frank reflects on his father’s influence, his lifelong relationship with baseball, the hard truth of walking away from it, and the pivot that brought him to comedy.🎟️See me live. All tickets atwww.ryansickler.com/tour🎤Check out my new standup special “Live & Alive” streaming on my YouTube now!youtu.be/PMGWVyM2NJo?si=SrhXjgzR1pe6CyYE👉 Subscribe for more standup and new episodes of The HoneyDew, The Wayback, and more!youtube.com/@rsickler✅ Subscribe to my Patreon “The HoneyDew with Y’all”! Get The HoneyDew audio and video a day early, ad-free, for just $5/month!Want more? Upgrade to the $8/month premium tier and get everything above plus The Wayback a day early, ad-free, censor-free, and exclusive bonus content you won’t find anywhere else!patreon.com/RyanSickler📧What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail]👕Get Your Merch👕www.bonfire.com/store/ryansickler/🎧 Listen to my Podcasts 🎧The HoneyDew - podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-honeydew-with-ryan-sickler/id527446250The Wayback - podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-wayback-with-ryan-sickler/id1721601479Patreon - www.patreon.com/ryansickler📣 Follow Me📣▪ Instagram:   www.instagram.com/ryansickler/▪ TikTok:   www.tiktok.com/@ryan.sickler▪ Facebook:   www.facebook.com/RyanSicklerOfficial🕸️ryansickler.com/🍈thehoneydewpodcast.com/🦀Subscribe to The CrabFeast Podcast🦀podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187

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That's right. Valentine's weekend. I'll be there February 13th and the 14th, Connecticut. Come see me at Comics Roadhouse March 13th and 14th. Get your tickets now at Ryan Sickler.com. The Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back. to the huddy-doo y'all we're over here doing in the nightpan studios i am ryan sickler ryan sickler

on all your social media starting this episode like i start them all by saying thank you thank you for not only watching this show and supporting this show but anything i do tours whatever specials all of it you guys are the best and if you got to have more i'm telling you you got to check out the patreon there's more than the honeydew with you all going on over there but the honeydew with you all is this show with you guys. And it is, it's the best show on the internet. I swear to God, I love my job because of you. It's the wildest stories you've ever heard. Hundreds of, we've been doing it for years now. It's five bucks a month. A cup of coffee. Go enjoy yourself. All right. That's the bids. You guys know what we're doing here. We highlight the low lights. I always say these are the

stories behind the storytellers. Very excited to have this guest here with us. First time on the dude. Ladies and gentlemen, Frank Allendeau. Welcome to the honeydew, Frank Gallando. Yeah, I'm here. Energy. just went up. I needed to fire you up, buddy. Yeah. This has been a long time coming. Thank you for doing this. Yeah, yeah. Great to be here. I appreciate you being here before we dive in your stories right there. If you'd like, plug everything you want. Everything I got right now, Frankonstage.com for whenever this comes out. So just take a look there. I'm traveling all over the country.

I did Frankonstage.com instead of Frank Caliando.com because people struggled spelling Caliando. I thought you were going to say a Frank Caliando out there. got it and was like the protologist there's a there's a proctologist there's a butt doctor yeah and he won't give it up uh i don't know no no well he's out there he does i have frank calliando dot com but so people don't have to spell caliando and you notice i don't even know how to say my own name i say calliando calliando calliando that's what my dad says it there's no e in it so i don't know where he's getting caliando but frank onstage dot com for all the dates uh january's omaha februaries uh january's got omaha

Naples, Florida, and February I know has Milwaukee, the Milwaukee Improv. You ever been off the hook comedy club in Naples? No, this is the one everyone tells me about so great. I haven't. I've never been there and people are talking about it. I've never heard a bad thing about it. Only good things. And that's rare.

You know that. Yeah. So Frankonstage.com. Just take a look at dates all over the place. Oh, at Frank Calliando on all social media. There you go. So at Frank Calando, you have to spell that one. But I'll come up.

Just pictured, just a search John Gruden impression. I was going to say, I'm excited to sit here because I'm such a fan. I follow all your stuff. Love the impressions, the Madden, the Gruden, all of it. But I really want to get to know you, the guy behind all this stuff. So let's go back to the big, go ahead. Where did we work together? Because you were.

Years ago, I think I was the opening or not even the feature. And it had to be either Irvine. or Ontario. Because I remember you bringing that up to me somewhere else. We were talking about it. And then I was like, was I a jerk? No. Because I never do.

I always, I try to be nice, but you never know what kind of day you're having or something like that. You have to be, you don't real, people don't realize all the time how careful you have to be to not just live your inside feelings outside. Like you just, I've seen it with people where people have said some terrible things about people. I'm like, no, no, that's a good person. You just hit them on a bad day. They're having lunch. Right, right. You're bugging them at lunch. Well, it's not even that. It's just like you don't know what's going through in somebody's life. Yeah, yeah. But my mom could have just passed. I try to think like that. Like, all right, let's maybe, maybe something's going. Maybe he just found out the worst news of his life. Yeah, right. He'd be in an asshole today. We'll get it. But I don't even know. I'm doubting you're this type of person. But maybe you are. Maybe you. When you, when you're headlining the club or whatever. Like there are people who don't let anybody else in the green room at all that are on the show.

I'm not that guy. And when I didn't think so, but I just want to be careful because it's your show. But it was one of those things where I've heard people more recently doing that a lot. I'm like so other people on the show, they don't want them in the green room with them. Okay. I mean, it just seems like you're all part of the show together. Well, that's what I'm saying. Like I get that you're the headliner.

And I've had it happen to me too where the, even when I was featuring, they're like, and it would stand outside of door like he don't want anybody in there. Right. I was like, I got to go use the public restroom. Like, I can't even pee in there. You know what I mean? Like I can't. Yeah, just one of my things like that.

One of my things is. But we're like you said, we're all part of this show. If you're a dick, then you get out. Yeah, I don't want you bringing in your relatives to hang out during the show. But if you're on the show, and I just kind of might call who's in the green room for that. But if you're on the show, I think you should be, I think you should be in there. No, you were great. You were great.

So let's jump back to the beginning. Where are you originally from? I was born in Chicago, Illinois. Elmwood Park, Illinois is where I spent my first four, a couple years. And then my parents moved to Addison, Illinois. So it's right outside of, out of Chicago. And then when I was four, we moved to Wau, Wisconsin. My dad was a district sales representative for the, Coloric Corporation, which is like stoves and stuff like that. And they, what happened was back in the day, there were all those mom and pop stores. And they would have people sell the four different companies would sell their products to all these little stores. Well, then the big box stores came along and all that just disappeared. You're just selling a bunch to Best Buy. You're selling to like four different places. So that, that for him kind of went the way of the dodo.

so to speak. So I grew up mainly, I would say I'm from Wisconsin. Even though anytime I'm on a TV show, they say I'm from Chicago. So it gets a bigger rating there, hopefully. Oh, is that right? A lot of times I've had it after. Do you have siblings? Yeah, I have two brothers.

And who's the oldest? I'm the oldest. Okay. My brother, Rico, that's his real name. You have a brother named Rico. Rico Caliando, two Cs. He's actually in a tribute band. He just started doing this fairly recently.

It's a Who tribute band. Wait, hold on. why Rico? Is it a family name? Or is that his nickname? Is it really like Ricardo? Well, here's, so here's the thing. Let me go. So Italian. So it's Frankie, Rico and Terry. Terry, they got tired. So, yeah. Well, my mom's not Italian. So she's like, I need something. But the legend has it with Rico that was, my dad gave old school Italian, right? Like kind of my dad's might as well, he was born 1940, might as well been born.

in caveman era. But it was the choices he gave to my mom were Rico, Rocco, or Rollo. I was just saying Rico or Rocco. But it was, yeah, but it's, but Rico was the choice. And in Italian, Rico is Enrico, which is Enrique or Henry. But he's just Rico. Is that his birth name Rico? Rico. R-I-C-C-O. RICO, R-I-C-C-O. R-C-Luis-C-C-Kallian. I'm Frank Lee. Believe it or not, my parents named me frankly. Okay. And frankly. And my mom still thinks that all three of our middle names are Lee. She will say all three of your middle names are Lee. I'm like, no, no, Rico's middle name is Lewis. He's Rico Lewis. So she doesn't even know what we're named. And that's been a while. That's not just because she's old. But she's, that that is helping. So then you settle in that area. And this is where you start going to school and like sort of putting your roots down here. My dad was a minor league baseball player in the White Sox organization. No shit.

Went to spring training three times. If you Google Frank Caliando and batting average, I think it comes up. I think he only hit like. Are you a junior? My middle name is different. That's what my dad did. Yeah. His father was like, I don't want to do the seconds and the third.

So they got the same first and last, but they changed the middle name so that they're not junior senior. Yeah. And a lot of time, if your name is. And we're a junior. If you're junior, people call you junior. Yeah. So it was like they didn't want me to be called junior. Or little frank.

Yeah. That bullshit. We had a little Jerry in our neighborhood. He's like in his 50s now. He's still a little Jerry. It sticks with you. I remember answering the phone at the house because everybody used to answer the community house phone. They'd ask for Frank.

Do you want Frank the father, Frank the son, or Frank the Holy Ghost? So it was, I mean, it was always. Wait, I'm going to jump ahead for a second when you're doing that because I forget the old. How old are you now? 50. I was born in 74. You look great. So I'm going to be 52.

I'm 52 right now. Okay. Are you like fucking with people? Are you answering the phone back in the day doing different voices? No, because I wasn't, I was very quiet. Oh, really? I was super quiet and shy. I mean, I was a little fat kid as a chubby.

They said they had every word to describe you besides fat, right? Husky for chubby. But nobody would ever tell you the truth. And which would have helped because if you call fat all the time, you can go one of two ways. You can just go psycho on it or you can go, I'm going to fix this someone. I fixed it a little bit. But I look back. back at some pictures. This is getting off track a little bit, but I, I look back in some pictures

of me maybe 15 years ago, and I was huge. Like, nobody told me. So tell, if you got a really heavy friend, tell them, they might not know. Because I wouldn't look at the mirror at that time. So, uh, what was the question? That's minor league ball player. How's he get into that? Um, because think, let's think about this. Kind of like Moonlight Graham. He's born in 40s. Yeah. So was he's playing in like the 60s? Yeah. He went to Eastern Illinois University. Okay. played college ball there. He played a Triton Junior College, which is where Kirby Puckett went.

Okay. That was his always his thing. He didn't, I don't think they had a draft. I don't know. He just was a self-taught. Yeah, like how back then do you even get,

like do you just walk on and try out back then? Yeah, yeah. It just, you know, the kids who are athletes can play a little bit. He had no training,

nothing. They didn't have anything like that. Yeah, they're not doing the shit. They're doing now. Basically the sandlot to. And then going on a job. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So he only played a few years of that. What position? shortstop, but he didn't have a good enough arm. He should have been a second basement probably. But that influenced my growing up because we were all about baseball. It was my whole life was baseball as a kid. Did he still stay in at all?

Did he coach or he coached your teams? We would come home and my dad would throw, we'd be playing in the side yard, whiffle balls. The whole neighborhood was over. And he was pitching to everybody and playing. He was fun. He still does all the same jokes he does. It was doing 40, 50 years ago.

It's all the same bits. So he was that. He was the dad in the, in the whole neighborhood. He still lives at the same house. Okay. He's still there. There's still blood on the front porch where I, I tripped, didn't have my shoes tied. One of my shoes wasn't tied, chasing my brother, slipped, landed right here.

That's the scar right here. And notice the line in my eyebrow. Yeah, I do see. running into the bricks on the side of the house or on the side of the door of the front porch. Nobody ever cleaned it. I think it was just a memory of tire shoes. My parents giving me a lesson. So, like I said, heavily influenced.

He coached basketball, all the sports. We played sports. He didn't really coach football. Now you say this. He's doing your little leagues. Is that also go to high school and stuff? No, he didn't coach us in high school. He coached our AAU Junior Olympic teams.

We were 1988 national champions. Damn, dude. I was an All-American. Were you really? We won the nationals, 14 and under. Your team. The Wisconsin All-Stars. No shit.

We had a couple guys that got drafted and played either high-level college ball or, like I said, got drafted. And is this a team like your dad put together? Yeah, there were tryouts for it. I mean, man, he had an eye for it then, too. We started AU baseball in Wisconsin. There was AU basketball, and AU baseball was just getting started. Hell yeah. So your dad's starting that.

back then. Yeah. And we had some, we had some tryouts and there were some kids. They had worked like, I was a decent hitter, but there were some players

that were like legit player players. We went as the 14 and under team as a, I think we went as an at large bid. And where do you go? Where's nationals? Urbandale, Iowa. So, but the- Carson,

you know that? She knows Urbandale. She's from there. Beaver Fields. You know Beaver Fields? The Merle Hell Mall. So that, that's where we don't think.

We're going to talk about. that on the other episode for sure. So, but on the 18 and under Wisconsin team that also they found out about the A year, there were a couple of pretty good players. One, the best player was a guy by the name of Craig Counsel. Yeah. So Counsel, who's now the manager of the Cubs, was the... Listen, can I just say, that dude was so good.

Also, he's like the Dick Clark of baseball. council still looks like he's got that boyish face. You know what I'm talking about? Was he a Marlin? Was he Marlon? Yeah, he won his theories as a Marlin as a Diamondback. I was like, is this guy 13 years old? He always just had that boyish, youthful face to him.

Yeah. And he still kind of does. Yeah, there's just something about that look. And the interesting thing about him is we used to work at a place called Mike Higgins grand slam. Mike Higin, who was a player in the major league's years. ago. He was also the color analysis guy for the Cleveland Indians up until maybe 15 years ago or something like that. But we worked for him and Craig worked there as well. And my brother used to throw him batting practice and soft toss, you know, the little toss in front of your brother.

I take a little bit of the credit. Oh yeah. That's his, that's his claim. Yeah. You know, I still BP to Craig Count. Your dad's still using all the jokes. He's still telling everyone that shit. It's like, isn't your brother Frank Calando? Yeah, but I used to throw batting practice to Craig Counsel. You used to throw back practice to Craig Counsel. Oh, so you had some real talent in that little pocket there. Yeah, there was some good people around there.

We had a pitcher that was like 6-4 and through 80 miles an hour as a 50-year-old. Oh, man. We had one guy like that in the league, too, when you could hear it. You're like, come on. That's hard to catch him. We're trying to bunt and shit. He was so good. Scott Sharp.

Shout out Scott Sharp. He actually went on. I believe he's like in the front office of the Rangers organization or something like that now. Our guy was Brian Steinbach. We called him the Pookie Bear. And what's he? Where is he now? Guys that good usually tend to stay somewhere in there if they don't even get to the show. He was a really, and is a really smart guy. I think he's probably in finance or something. We called him the Pookie Bear. And then I found out J.J. Putz, who pitched in the major leagues, JJ was like roommates with him. They were there. like a year before Tom Brady in Michigan.

Damn. But Puts called him the big German. I'm like Brian Steinbach, he goes, the big German. I'm like, no, the pooky bear who is named by our friend Sean Smith, who is the catcher who got drafted. But he named him the pooky bear after the Garfield cartoon. Yeah, yeah. So what's dad like as a coach? Is he harder on you or is he not?

You know what I mean? Yeah, I think so. A little bit more on you because he's a coach. I was always harder on myself trying to please my dad. My mom couldn't care less. She didn't know what was going on. Real quick. What's mom doing?

Right now. No, no, no. Back then, is she house mom? Homemaker. Yeah, no, no. No, no. She, yeah, she raised us. That's legit, no, no, no.

I mean, if you're really doing it. Three little boys. And we were horrific. I mean, not in terms of, I think we just emulated my dad. And we were like, we would, it's just so terrible to even think about now. But we would want, we would call it room service and we would get breakfast delivered to us. Oh, man. Your mom did love you guys. Oh, yeah. I was, I mean, she was the best and she put up with crap and like stuff I would never, if my kids did that to my mom. My daughter actually does that

to my wife a little bit. If my son does it, I'm like, you're, no, and he's 21. And he's still trying to pull some of that stuff. Sometimes no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's your, listen, if you, if you, if you can drink you legally, you can get your own, you can get that yourself. My daughter who's 19, I just, whatever she wants. I don't care. There's different sets of rules for the boys. I'm like, I like to act. I'm like, we're not doing it.

And then I'm like, what do you want? Yeah. Can we talk about it? I don't know why. And it's, but some of that's going to happen in life too. I mean, it's funny because I would do things with my own daughter. I know we're getting off track in, but that's what I do. But my own daughter where I would say things like girls can't do.

that and she would be like yes i can't yeah and i would actually do it that way and people would see me say something like that's terrible i'm like look at her reaction you don't think she's going to deal with that in parts of her life it's better than telling her she can do everything you know and just even if she can't like go and you got to work for some stuff and you're going to have to fight some things there are some things in life where you do try and you're like okay i'm not good at this and i can't do it but you don't know that until you fucking go out there and try to prove yourself right or wrong. It's always it. But my whole point was people are going to say things to try and knock you down. Of course. And give you reasons why you can't do something and they're going to be those types of

terrible reasons. And have that fight in you. And I think that's, I mean, some of the things I see in my kids are things I try to help them with that I was always very complacent as a kid. I was like I was saying earlier, very quiet. I was the type of kid. And because I was a chubby kid, I always wore sweatpants. because clothes didn't fit me right. So I was like always wearing sweatpants and other kids would make fun of me for that kind of stuff. But I, you know, I didn't, I didn't, I made, I don't think it scarred me or anything,

but it did, humor was a way of, you know, getting out of things. So, but I see my kids and when they're being complacent and stuff, because they're, they're both smarter than me by far. Oh. And Frank, my daughter just sat down and did math with me. Because I keep telling her, look, I got basic math. You didn't do any of the math. And she tested me.

No, no, no. I wasn't helping her. Yeah. She was helping me. She was, do you know how to do decimals? I'm like, kind of. I mean, I know how to move it over and stuff. But if you're, she's like, she gave me four problems.

I got two wrong. What grade? She's in fifth grade. No, third is about where they lose you sometimes. Especially with the other kinds of math thing. I tell her all times. Stella, as soon as you start putting letters in there, Y's and X's and A's and B's, I was like, go to mom.

Or I'll hire a tutor because I promise you. I don't know either. I'll sit and learn. I can solve for the variables early. As soon as you got, I start to get lost a little bit when there's a fraction involved and you're going to flip it on the other side. She's teaching me. She's right, though.

She's right when she tells me like, oh, yeah, yeah. So wait, let's go back. So are you this baseball playing baseball with a dad who was in minor leagues? Are you thinking as you grow up, like this is what you want to do? Do you want to try to play college and stuff? Yeah. And I played through high school. I was pretty good in high school.

I was a better hitter than anything. I caught. So I was behind the plate the whole time, which is where I got a lot of humor from. I was always messing with the batters and trying to get the umps on my side. So there was a lot of that. But I played, I was all conference one of the, I don't know which team, but I was all conference. my junior year. And then my senior year, I was in a terrible slump and just mentally kind of, I don't know what I want to do and that type of stuff.

I actually went to school, University of Wisconsin, Parkside, which is in Kenosha, Wisconsin. And I was going to play there. I didn't get a scholarship, Division II. I didn't get a scholarship or anything, but I didn't even know what I wanted to do at school. So I had no idea. I got there and was like, I don't think I'm really going to play. And I had some classes. I had a calculus class at night.

And I was like, it was a four-hour class with like a European teacher that I could barely understand. A four-hour calculus. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. And I, and the funny thing is I ended up dropping that class. I couldn't. I had no idea it was going on.

And I took a Spanish two instead, which I already knew. So it was pretty easy to get through that. But that was my, that was my, I used to work at those batting cages where a correct counsel would come and, or even worked at times. So baseball was. your life. That was everything. I was, I would watch the natural before every game. Would you really? That was your gladiator. Oh yeah.

I would watch. I mean, I just, and if if, if I got to the right part, sometimes it just ended one of the Roy Hobbs' home runs. I'd be like, this is enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you're going out, fired up to play. Yeah, yeah. And a little bit of field of dreams

too, but it was mostly, it was mostly the natural. I mean, I watched that. I mean, I watched that. I mean, you know, a VHS tape that, you know, wore it out. blew it apart. Yeah. So. where you want. Yeah, it's one of my favorites. So baseball was where I thought I was going. And I remember my dad, this was one of those tough moments for me where I didn't want to tell my dad that I wasn't going to play baseball anymore because that was my whole identity growing up. I mean, I kind of dealt with that with my son with math stuff. Like he was way ahead in math when he was

young. And it caught up to him some, but he just didn't like people. My son's very funny. and dark. Like his, you know, his Wi-Fi or whatever it is on his phone that you, you know,

is Epstein's phone. That's the kind of stuff that my son does. So people see that. Yeah. They're like, what the fuck? What are they going to drop?

Yeah. I'm not dropping. I'm not air dropping something to that. But people would say, I heard you really love math. He goes, I don't love math. I'm just really good at it.

You know, as like a 10 or 11 year old kid. So, but I saw in him when he lost that identity where he didn't want to be way ahead in math anymore and didn't care about it the same. That happened with me in baseball. And I remember talking to my dad and I was crying on the phone telling him, I don't, I just, I don't think I'm going to play baseball. This is in college. Oh, you're in college at this point. I'm going to, I'm not going to play baseball. And do you even try to try it out or anything?

Well, they were going to have me on the team. I was walking on. Oh, they were. beyond the team. But I don't know if I was going to really play or anything. Guys were just better than me. And the baseball coach Pete Barron Boom, he actually got the end of the school and all that stuff. He got everything taken care of. I was just like, this just isn't for me. I'm going to need to work hard to do decently in school. And I remember crying on the phone to my dad, like the one moment I remember with my dad, because my dad is pretty stoic in those types of things. There's no, I love you's going on. Yeah, I mean, this is a man born in World War II.

two era and fucking played baseball and you know yeah i mean he's just he's an old school guy and uh but i remember and him just telling me frank that's that's fine it doesn't man we knew that was going to end someday anyways and like i know but it just was it was heartbreaking to me because it wasn't just with the time i had with my dad and the the the um relationship with my dad was really based on that but it was what's my identity going to be who am i if I'm not this guy who's always just going out to play strikeout in the school yard. So that was that was a, that was a moment, a revelation moment. Like, what am I, what am I going to do?

I did like sports. And I do wish that I had gone back. If I could, I know there's a question like this later, but if I could go back, I would pay more attention. I always tell kids when I go to talk to kids at schools and stuff like that, like in an acting class or something. I always tell them, pay attention to, if you want to be in this world, listen during history and social studies classes, English and literature classes, all those types of classes. Learn all that stuff. Don't just, I just walked through it. I mean, I remember taking history tests that basically I was just, you know, I had a hat on and looking at somebody else's papers.

We had to answer, Key, because the teacher didn't change it here. if you're the seniors will pass it down. We're not learning that shit. I don't know. I mean, I've heard of the Ottoman Empire. Couldn't tell you a goddamn thing about it because I'm just going, I thought it was a place a lot of people put their feet. Which there's got to be, there has to be a company that makes Ottomans called the Ottoman Empire.

They got to be the Ottoman Empire. I mean, how else got how they had to be the Ottoman people. How could you not be the Ottoman Empire? and you didn't discover ottoman. And you know what I mean? And your feet were always dangling. We were, we deal in flour. I don't know.

We deal in flour. So I do wish that I had paid more attention and taking acting classes and drama classes, all that type of stuff. Because if you want to, if you want to get into comedy or whatever, just knowing a little bit more than somebody else that you can strike a memory in their head. I remember Billy Crystal. throw in an impression here because it's a Billy Crystal, but Billy Crystal saying, Robin, he knows everything.

It's unbelievable. And Robin Williams is like, well, I read the paper a lot, you know? And so, you know, that tells you how long ago that was. But it was that Billy Crystal just saying how much Robin Williams knows, it's like he knows everything, unbelievable, a little bit of everything. Some of the wrong things, you know. But it was like, those were the types of things that I didn't really understand until later, that I wish I could go back because it was just sports and it was just getting

through school. I had a, I guess it's interesting because I thought I did much better in high school than I did. You grades wise? Yeah, because my kids looked at my grades. My wife found my report card. Where do you find that? I don't know. I got to ask a woman. They find everything. Yeah, right. Yeah. 100%. I've been trying to get my old SAT results. Oh, I'm just, do you know what you got? I mean, I'm going to tell you what the fuck I got. I'm comfortable telling you because I'm sitting here successful today. But I think the first time I took it, I got an 860. Oh. And then I was like everyone, but I did all the right things.

It's pretty good for Baltimore. I was sober when I went. You're top of your class. All my friends, all of them, Frank. They're like, oh, I got fucking wasted in the night before. I got a 12, 1,300. I was like, oh, all right, maybe I should. Maybe I should.

12,300's pretty good. That's what I'm saying. They're getting drunk and they're doing that. You got smart friends. I'm like fucking, yeah, I did have good friends, smart friends. I was in, this is what I'm saying. I was in all the gifted and talented classes, but math was my kryptonite.

And I would beg them, can I please just go to remedial math? And I'm like, nope, it's all or none. I'm like, I can't button. And that's not like that in today's day and age. No. Like they'll isolate and you're really good at something, try and build that.

See, I didn't even, I've never even been drunk in my life. People don't know that. Can I tell you how I improved the next time? Because it went up. You didn't. 870. Bro. 10 points.

I said at this fucking rate. It's going to take me 40 tests to get anywhere. You could add two together and still not get the whole. But I agree with you because soccer was my identity. I played soccer in the community college. I was all juco. It was soccer, soccer, soccer. But whether I was, you know, World Cup great or not, that's not a sport on this continent that pays or is a real future back then, back then.

Right. So I agree with you. I wish that even with college instead of, you know, because when you decide you want to be something, whether it's a doctor or whatever, it's all narrowed and focused into this. I wish I had gone back and taken a business class and just, you know, learned what rounded myself a little more. Being around it is such a key one thing. Instead of just focused on this one thing.

Because when you do, you might be great at this. But it's also like, man, you're ignorant to a lot of other shit here. Yeah. I mean, I'm in entertainment because I didn't know what else I would. do. I mean, that's really what it is. This had to work. And I could never go back because I don't think I could work for somebody, work for something, you know, for really, to really work for someone. So you give it up and what's your shift? Where do you, what do you move into? And I just start getting your dad support. Yeah. So I, and he was like, always Caesar great. Seas like, he didn't

care about grades. So my mom would want us to get grades. He, you know, he'd give us a dollar or $10 for a report card or something. But he's like, I got Cs. Nothing's wrong with me. You know, just like, but he's like, you're just like, yeah, it's, that's not what you're saying all the other time when you say, can I borrow $5? No, I don't have it. You know, it's like, so I just start paying more attention to school.

So in high school, it turns out I only had like a 3-1 or something like that. And I like, like, one semester, I had like a 2-9. And I had, I just had some, I don't know, I was just kind of, I don't know if it's depressed or what, but I just didn't know where I was going. And, you know, I was confused. It was like lots of kids, I think that was my time. And then I started going, when I was in college, I was like, you know, this is a way. I'm at a school in a different place. Can we rewind for a second? You're talking about being depressed in high school. And, you know, I ask for info before you get here. And just something happened to you in the ninth grade. Oh, well, yeah, that's true. I skipped over that because we're playing football. Oh, this is a football injury. Yeah, football. I was the same size I am now when I was 14, 15 years old.

So we won that National AAU Championship in 1988. Then I go to, in the fall of 1988, start freshman football. Well, I was a running back and I was just bowling over people. And I was pretty fast. I mean, when you look at it today, you're like, you know, not fast and all. I ran somewhere around a four-nine. supposedly. But, you know, and that's, I was probably the fastest on the team. But we went up and played the sophomores at Walker Shaw South High School. So our high school was

Horning Middle School. And that was six, seventh, I'm sorry, seventh eighth, ninth grade. No. So seventh, eighth, ninth grade. And then sophomore through senior year was at Walker Shaw South High School. Well, we went up in scrimmage of sophomores. I went for a jet sweep out wide, right, I got hit by somebody high and low. My ACL was just snapped. And it's still, I never had it fixed. To this day, yeah, it didn't, it doesn't. The ligaments don't grow back.

Oh, it doesn't. So it's 75, 80% torn, maybe more than it. Just like dangling in there. Yeah, there's no cartilage in there. You haven't ever gone to get a cleaned up? It's cleaned up scoped. Okay, yeah. But I didn't have it reconstructed.

And that was the time of Sean Elliott being at Arizona. And I don't remember where he played first, but there was the big knee braces that all the linemen wear now. Like athletes who are running backs and stuff like that, we're wearing those at that time. Yeah, buddy and mine had one too. And I remember I feel like the scar looked like something out of Frankenstein. It was like long, ugly scar on the knee and shit.

Yeah. Well, I only had the three dots in there from the scope or whatever it was. So, but if you look at me now, it's funny because I'll show people, they're like, your calves are huge. I go, one of them is. If you look closely, one of my legs is like, like, it's, It's not even... Tennis calves.

One's big and one's not. Yeah. Yeah. Like that tennis arm? Well, the other one, the other one would be... I got ping pong arm, which is the same thing. For a normal human, the left one, which is the bad one, would be pretty good. But then they see the right and they're like, that is godly.

So it's... And you don't really notice it until... Are we full up and down here? You want to stand up? Yeah. If I show you... Let's see it. Put your foot on the table.

If I go... Well, no, you got to see straight. So he probably can't see it in that. Kirsten, how would he be able to show us this calf? Well, I'm not going to show the cap. I can just show you. But I'll show you you can just have the reaction. We're going to do an insert.

That's if my leg is straight. No shit. So if you look, look at what that leg does. This left calf, for those of you listening, it looks just like both of my calf. That right one's a motherfucker. That right was something else. If you could isolate one small body part, for world championships, I'd have a chance.

Bro, if there was a right calf championship, you would take the gold. I would, there's some other people that think they could contend. But that right calf isn't even place it. But that right calf is a fucking world. It's a hero, legendary.

Listen, it's so funny. If your left calf was you playing baseball and your right calf was your dad, that's what it is. That's what it is. So wait, now you've got this ACL tear,

but you're, you're bread and butter. is baseball. Right. So I was a catcher in baseball. Yeah, and you're squatting and sitting the whole fucking time. So I can't bend the left leg.

Are you doing the, are you doing the Benito Santiago? Yeah. Are you putting the leg out? Yeah. Are you left leg out? It wasn't out, but it couldn't bend all the way.

So I caught off kilter and my back became wrenched. Oh, fuck. You're killing yourself back there. I should. I'm the type of person who never fixed. They were like, there were like 15, 20 years where I didn't go to a doctor or a dentist or anything. I just hate to.

You said a dentist. or anything, nothing. Nothing. No, I didn't want to hear bad news. I had a tooth that I was eating like juji fruits or something. Those motherfuckers are poor tooth out. And it did. It pulled the filling out.

It pulled the filling out. And I didn't, I had it a temporary put in. And 15 years later, I went to get it looked at again. And they finally fixed it. I was just so worried about what they were going to. to say I'd done by not because when I go I did have somebody look at it in between there was a dentist in Cleveland you good because you know teeth lead into your heart I've been told but yeah it also not only that your jaw can start to basically disintegrate yeah because if they just

start eating it up yeah it's just it starts it becomes lesser they the bone becomes less and less but luckily I have this giant cromagnon head that when I had it finally fixed like last year. It was maybe, yeah, in the last, it's been in the last year and a half. I was like, is there any bone loss? He's like, no. How long has this been?

I'm like, 20 years. I mean, it, it came out when I was in high school. So. Damn. Yeah. And I was, I was chewing stuff on the other side of my, like, there was, I pulled a piece out of it at times because I just did not want to hear your, you have no jaw anymore.

Mm-hmm. But I was willing. to just face the music that I'd done this so poorly and not dealt with it. But then I finally was like, I broke, what finally did is I broke another tooth on the other side. And I had to get that fixed. And while they were in there, like, you have, well, no, I told them, well, here's the thing. No, I had no cavities. What? Just the two teeth that were bad. You have good jeans is what you have. Well, I mean, other than the two teeth that fall apart. And my brother has, my brother Terry has some teeth. He was like, let me ask you this. How's

Rico's teeth? I think Rico's teeth are fine. We don't discuss it. Do you know about any of your siblings? Well, whatever, because that's not once. But the next time I see my brother, I'm going, how are your teeth doing, man? Well, my brother told me, he goes, are you teeth

crumbling apart? Because I think there are, I think there are some things in our family where teeth are, you know, like older. It's just fun getting older. All the conversations change. Terry Branchardt said that to me once. When you're an old person, you just start talking about your ailments. That's how he greet somebody.

How's your hip, Frank? Okay, I want to have this question for you. This ACL tear, right? Dad doesn't make you or encourage you to go get a surgery or anything. Well, we got the scope. I got it scoped. But outside of that, are you telling them how much it's still bugging you? Or you sort of just...

No, it didn't bother me. I just didn't have range of motion. Now, I look at it. How could you, when you ran? I know you said, the gate's a little bit weird. And it's, and it's, it's, because you're a catcher and all that. I can tell in my hip. It's my hip.

My hip is the issue that for, okay, so this is 14 years old. 14 years old is when I tear it. And I'm 50, almost 52. So you and I, neither of us really that great on math. 52 minus 10, 42 minus 4, 38. 38 years. of this leg compensating and my body compensating for this screwed up leg. Well, if you look, I look at it, it's just my, my body's off because it's, and when I walk,

my left leg kind of does like a flat step. And so, and people say, don't you want to get a fixed? I'm like, well, I'm 52. Yeah. I'm going to go through that now. Yeah. No. You're only 52. No, it's fine. It works. Are you in pain? No. No, that's why. That's the thing. It doesn't bother me. When I went for this back surgery, the surgeon before I did it said to me, I'm not going to do surgery on you until or if this affects your quality of life. Right.

And if and when it does, that's when we do this. Yeah. And I pushed it as long as I could. It was what, 20, 22. two, I'm doing the troubadour. I'm doing a show with the troubadour. And I'm doing my hour and five minutes in, I can't feel either of my legs. Yeah, that's not good.

And I had never felt the left one. Oh, I'm like you. I'm like, well, who cares? I got the right one. That's called being a guy. I never felt the left one. It's in pain every day. I'm not going for anything.

And then when I couldn't feel either of my legs, I sat down. I just, it's so funny because I was going through photos the other night and I came across photos and me sitting on a stool. That's the only time I've ever sat on a stool to do stand-up because I couldn't feel my fucking legs. Yeah. And then like an idiot, I'm not, I'm staying there and doing it because I got to do the job. And then I go.

But I don't know, man. If you, if you're not in pain, I say don't, I say stay. I just, I'm at the point where I don't stay away from surgery. I don't heal quickly. What about like, you know, just pain management epidurals, things like that. Do you ever try and just that stuff? You don't even need to go out for that. My leg's fine.

I should have done some. I was really, I was really stupid with the tooth. That was really just dumb. So, all right, now we know we're not going to play ball anymore. What are we doing there? And what is that like? Are you, does that fuck with you for a while? Are you excited?

No, I just kind of move on because it's over with and it's just a tension kind of thing. Because I could see the writing was on the wall. I didn't have a good enough arm. You know, you're supposed to be a, what, a five to a player. I had zero. when you're a no tool player. Just an empty toolbox. What the fucking bad me?

Yeah. It's like everybody else that's playing has like power tools and I've got an old school screwdriver. At least one. Yeah. So yeah, I just started concentrating more on school. I just, I don't. It's a weird thing where anything that's bad that happens, I just kind of stop thinking

about it. like bad moments in my life when you asked me what were some you know before what were some moments in my life that really down it took me a while to get to that that moment with baseball with my dad because i'd even i that phone call was out of my consciousness i yeah i don't i didn't remember until just there it's something i haven't thought about in you know 30 years or something um but at any time whether a you know something bad happens in entertainment i just kind of go on a show that gets canceled. People are like, everybody's like, what are you going to do? I'm like, I don't know. I got standup. I was just go do standup. That's the great thing about being a standup comedian is you can always just go do that.

If you've made it to a certain level, you can always make some money somewhere. And when the show was done and my show got canceled, I was just like, well, all right. It was a lot of work. Maybe too much work for what it was. And you could feel, you know, a lot of people have that fight or flight. I'm more of a flight person than a fighter, I guess, at times. And I wish I had passion for things. That's a thing I really do wish I had more passion for stuff.

What do you mean? Give me an example. Like, are you talking about projects you work on or anything? Anything. Anything in life. The only thing I have passion for is my kids. I think that's, and my wife. I think it's my family has become my passion.

It's become so much more important to me than anything in comedy or entertainment. That's been a negative. for me, a real negative in terms of advancing beyond, you know, to getting to higher and higher levels. You know, people who do really well in entertainment, there is a drive. Like, Pete, you don't understand how much work and how much schmoozing. You can be super talented, but you have to work the room. You have to get lucky. You have to have other people around you that are the right people. There are lots of elements. Now, there may be some people that are just so talented, they get, they get stuff. But for the average or even slightly to,

way above average person. It's just hard because there's just so many people. But I just don't, I don't feel, I don't feel that loss when something quote unquote bad happens. Somebody's like, what are you going to do? I go, I don't know, I'll figure it out. I don't. My goal in entertainment was to get to become a guest on the Tonight Show in Letterman. I did it. Well, I didn't really have any other things that I really couldn't wait to do. So what do you do at that point? Why? just keep treading along and, you know, if something good comes along, go for it. And if that doesn't work out, I'll find something else. I've just always believed something else will happen. There are some moments where I'm like, I don't know what I'm going to do right now.

But I've saved where I can, where I've got myself in that position. What do you, what's wrong with your family being just your only passion, though? You feel like, is that more than going back to sort of that, not to compare it with the well-rounded thing? Like, I'd like a little more about this and a little more about it. Well, I have everything else, but the passion is really there for my kids. Yeah. That's the thing. But what would,

I'm happy about that too. I mean, I wouldn't give it any other way. But what else would you like to have passion for? Like what? Well, I wish there were, you know,

when they send you an audition or something like that, that I would really care. I don't have a great memory. And I don't know what it is, but it's so much work to memorize stuff that I just, I'm just like, I, to get auditions to the point I want them to be at, and I'm a perfectionist in those types of things, I'm like, I don't know. I got to wait for the right person who just want me to do something. You know, it's that type of thing.

And then, you know, everybody, nobody ever tells you the truth. Everybody's like, that was great. That was fantastic. You know, like, and then you have somebody else watches like, eh, that's not even in the industry. And it's like, it doesn't look so good. You know, and you're like, all right. I can't trust anybody for what they, they really think. So in terms of well-roundedness, yeah, I think that I do have, because I have work, I just don't have the crazy passion.

I've found more passion for getting back. One of the things that is different between how you do comedy and how I do comedy probably is my comedy is always talking about other people, right? My comedy is always this person and this person. And people are always waiting for me to do the next impression or character. They're always like, what's next? who you're working on. It's like, but I don't tell people, don't talk a lot about what my own life is or what I like or care about other than what I like in other people.

So that's something, and that's something I've worked on in standup a little bit, but I can always feel the people wanting to hear what's the next character. That's an interesting point because I hadn't thought of it like that before. You're a master impressionist, and it's like you can't just do these four. forever. Yeah. It's like that would be like doing the same fucking set forever. I was like that for a while.

I mean, I was like where I didn't change anything for quite a while. But also just because you're a master impressionist doesn't mean you. But what's a master impressionist? Well, I mean you. I don't know. Gruden and Madden. Okay.

Fine. If you don't want to accept the flowers, I'll give you two flowers. Those are master impressions. Gruden and Madden. Those are. Shut up. I understand what you're saying. saying, I'll say it. I'll patch you on the back. They are master impressions. There's no,

first of all, there's no one that ever did John Madden impressions until you did the first one. And I don't know that I've ever heard anybody do one, honestly. I don't know that I've ever heard anyone do another. Well, I owned that one so much. It was hard to do without some a master impact. You understand? Like master lock? Why? Well, you had it locked down, like them. Why would anyone attempt? Like I've heard a bunch of Christopher Walkins. I've heard a bunch of, you know, George Bush's, etc. But why would you even attempt Madden when it's already been. Yeah, because you're going to be, you're going to be thought of. Presidents are pretty good, but Calando's the fucking. Yeah. Presidents are different where they're in, they're in the limelight all the time. They're the focuses on them constantly. So everybody's going to happen.

I want to make this point and actually give you even more flowers because it's not like you're coming up with new material. You have to come up with a new voice. Well, you can come up with the new, but you can come up with new material for the voice already do. But what if people are going to say what's the new voice? Right. What's the new voice? And what if you can't do one? How do you do it?

Do you sit around? Do you hear one and it hits your tone, certain tone you say it? I'm going to just mess. I actually get more from doing social media posts and trying stuff. There's a whole thing I do about, and it's more entertainment than actual education, but it's how the voices work. So if you can manipulate stuff in your throat, which takes some time, and this is months and months and months and years of practice,

there's a couple of voices that I use, which are Kermitie Frog, high hole Kermitie Frog here, and then Fazi Bear. Ah, waka, walka, walka, walka. You know, so that's Jim Henson and Frank Oz. So those types of things. So if you're up in Kermit the Frog, you bring it down a little bit and get a bubble in your throat, that's John C. Riley. It sure is. Did you touch my drum set?

So then if you add some air to it and some awshucks, genius, it's Mark Ruffalo. I see this is an absolute win. So that's in there, bring it down even more, and you get Paul Giamatti. I believe that is one of the craziest things I've ever heard. Now, you can go back and go. What the fuck does it hit you that Kermit and Fazi are like the fucking... Well, because it's the two things you have to do with your throat. It's two things.

I mean, Kermit's nasally. Fazi's like it's stuck here. Like something's stuck. So then there are others that branch off that. So Bert and Ernie is like, Bert has that laugh. If you slow that down, that's Seth Rogen. Which is right in there anyway. You know, that voice, I didn't even know I did it.

So that's in there as well. If you bring it up, it's Patrick Mahomes. I mean, that's a kind of thing right there. I give it a little Texas. And Rogan's in there too. Like if you're getting that, wow, Jamie, oh my God, pull that up. That is fucking nuts. That's fucking crazy.

So those voices are all in that world. When do you realize you can do? What is the, you're probably sick of talking about it, but I do want to know. When do you realize you're like, oh my God, I'm pretty good at. doing the man. One of probably the catcher in high school. But what makes you say it? Are you like announcing to them?

Watching in living color. Watching in living color and watching Saturday night live and stuff like that. What was Madden? What was it about? Madden was probably. Do you remember the first time you ever said something? Well, I did some roll first, which was to the 20. He did so.

The 25. There's a flag on the play. And Madden had the video game. And I was like, well, if he's got a video game and he's talking in the video game and he's on all these commercials. He's bigger than the average sports announcer. So once, you know, kids today don't even know John Madden was a coach. They just know the name Matt.

They don't really know him. They don't know. He was scared to fly into the tour bus everywhere. Yeah. So. I don't want to forget to ask him and come back to it. But I did hear him. You can tell me he wasn't stoked about you.

No, he hated me. He did. Yeah. I remember talking to the president of Fox Sports. You didn't even sure he had. David Hill is like, yeah, he doesn't like you. He doesn't like you, mate. We're trying to get him to like you.

We're trying to get him. You ain't going to make that money. You don't like somebody. Well, how it happened was Jimmy Kimmel. The story was Jimmy Kimmel had a guy who did a John Madden impression. Why? Because he was the NFL on Fox. He did the picks before I did.

So he would make the picks with Terry Bradshaw and those guys. He had a guy who did a John Mad impression. And then his producer, Jim Bruska, had a guy who did a John Madden impression. they were fighting over who was going to be the guy that was the John Madden impression guy. I was both the guys. It was like a sitcom moment. Like, who's your guy? What's your guy's name?

Frank. What's your guy's name? Frank. Isn't it crazy? I see. So I was both the guys. So I did Madden for president. And nobody had ever really made fun of John Madden.

It was a presidential year, an election year. So Jimmy comes over and he's like, what do you think, Mr. President? And I'm like, you know, you do this and you do that. And then boom. And it's funny because I listen to the old man. I was way up here with John Madden. It should have been down here more. But it was, it worked.

And at the end, he took a- I love it. You got him so good where he doesn't finish sentences and him mumble off and continue. I'll tell you a thing about that after this. Jimmy takes a pair of hedge clippers to John Madden's eyebrows because everyone always made fun of his eyebrows, but not to John Madden. And he's like, here, come here, Mr. Mann,

and I've got to help you with those eyebrows. He takes a pair of hedge clippers and goes to the eyebrows. And legend has it that the next week Madden came with the first time his eyebrows were ever trimmed. So that that's probably a grand kid at home. Like, grandpa told you. I'm telling you, just trim my. Yeah. So that was.

That right. He heard. Yeah. He saw that on TV and it was like, oh. The Madden Trailoff came from. There's a character. There was a show. And on, I don't know.

It was local television. might have been WGN. I'm not sure which, but it was Chicago, like educational children's television that was called the Giggle Snort Hotel. And the Giggle Snort Hotel had a character that was clay on a platform

and his name was blob. And he would just go, ah, kind of a thing, like almost a short singer. Yeah. Look out with you dwing over there. And if you do the Arnold over here,

boom, the dog barks over there. And I just took that and I was like looking for things when I didn't have a joke with Madden what to do and I was, and it just became that type of thing. Madden did a little bit of that.

He did. But I turned it into a big, you know, I went over the top with it. That hyperbole is beautiful. And that's what I always found interesting with impressions and stuff was that

the dead on impression only gets you so far. It's just a recognition laugh. Now you have to play it and become over the top. And when we're coming up and Saturday Night Live and Mad TV and Living Color and those types of shows, doing over-the-top impressions. Dana Carvey was one of the best. Dana Carvey, Jim Carrey, totally over-the-top impressions,

but done on purpose because it becomes a character then isn't just a mimicry. It's not just mimicry. It becomes a character. And I believed in that to the point where I would just make these people so big and over-the-top. Now, that stuff doesn't work in social media day because you're a little phone. You're looking at this little screen. They want dead on voice to match, like voice match. Like, I don't know.

I do some of that, but it was more about making the characters and stuff like that that made it. So did you ever meet Madden ever? I even talk about it. I finally met him at the, uh, in the, at the four seasons hotel in Dallas. Intentionally or is this brand into? Because it's a Super Bowl. And I see him there talking to Jimmy Johnson. Oh, shit.

I work with. And I'm like, Jimmy, can you believe him this close to John Mason? What? Yeah. Met him. Tap's mad on the show. I was like, what is Jimmy? is that what he said?

Yeah, it was like, and the bit is it was like shaggy. Look, look. When shaggy and Scooby, see the bad guy pop up in the bill. Like, so it's like, he's scoop? Like, let's get out of it. Rout row. So I made his grandkids laugh. They were there with them.

Yeah. That's why I didn't want to bother him. He's talking to his grandkids. And how olders grandkids? Yeah, probably 12, you know, 10, 12, something like that. So they like to interrupt me. Oh, they were laughing. I think I might have called it.

It might have been one of the grandkids that said, please. Yeah, you know, you're dead. That hit 100%. That was the moment where he kind of got it, you know. So thank God they're with them. Yeah. Yeah. Because he looks at them.

He looks at them and it's they're like, he was like, you better not. And then they cracked up and it was like, I get it now. So it was kind of that moment. And then he didn't mind being around. Yeah. And that was like, can I take a picture with you? Okay. Can I have my family take a picture with any kind of got it.

Because people, especially athletes and coaches and stuff like that, when you're in their world, they don't mind you making fun of them that much. If you're outside of that, if you're an outsider, you don't really have that much of an opportunity. That makes sense. You're not in there. Who's this guy making fun of? You know what I went through to get to where I am as a coach and a broadcaster and all this stuff?

Then this guy, the schlubbs making money off of pretending to be me. So I kind of get it. But at the same time, I never did the, I always tried to find stuff I like about the people. Yeah. I never, that's the other thing. I, if, you know, Phil Hartman, another great impressionist, I always heard that Frank Sinatra's family hated his Frank Sinatra because his Frank was a dick.

Right. And it was an over the top thing, like you said too. Like Bono, he was like, okay, bozo. Like, all that shit, so fucking great. But yours was never, I never felt like you're mad and was disparaging in any way. It was, that's right. Most of my stuff is silly. It wasn't you making, you weren't saying like, I'll beat you.

or what you're just being silly with it the whole time it's always about big so good that's almost all my impressions are how can i make this silly and um make it goofy that's what i'm looking for is there anyone that you impersonate the way you impersonate madden in like your family or your regular circle where it's such a good impression but you only know it if you know that fucking well that's what a character is i mean that's how you make it but what about in your life teachers or anything like oh yeah i did that all the time you did mr christensen the the U.S. history teacher, Mr. Calando, could you go to the map? He was also the basketball coach. He was like, I knew nothing about geography. And he'd be like, can you go up and point to the

United States? And I go point to the blue section. He goes, that's the water frank. Mr. Callander, you can sit down. And shoots a free throws. So I would, I mean, there was, there was a guy, Darren Barsh that I went to to school with. And he always, he always flared. He's a really good looking kid. And he is a flesh flare out. I see your nose and everything change. And he had the, he had the hair. The unbreakable comb. Yeah. And he'd have it in his pocket. And he kind of, I mean, he bounced like almost like, you know, a primate like. And he just do this kind of a thing. So it was, I would do impressions of friends. I mean, you could do. Do you ever do impressions of your dad or mom to get out of trouble?

Like, that's how my daughter gets out of it. My daughter once. time I was I was angry and I was saying something and she impersonated me so fucking spot on I stopped at my tracks and I was I mean dropped my shoulders I was like god damn I started laughing so hard she started laughing I go uh do another impression I mean she's like go to bed I started laughing so hard like when I'm getting frustrated I'm like let's go go to bed oh my gosh see if I was gonna find something about you is you you you tend to uh you tend to look down there's a interesting thing where your chin is up and you look down. And you don't do a little of that madden thing where you don't always finish the words.

And when you go into the lab, it's kind of a, I don't even know if I could get that sound. That's not a normal human sound. Yeah, I know. You know who else does it? And it blows me away. You're a Hall of Fame announcer. Chris Berman runs out of breath all the fucking time. Oh, yeah.

It's like he took one breath and had to get the whole page out. I'm like, you know, he's like dizzy Gillespie with the trumpet. How do you, yeah. How do you get to be a Hall of Fame announcer if you don't realize you can take a breath in the middle of your shit? He told me once he goes, he goes, if you ever have nothing to say, just say more. Just keep talking. That was this whole thing. It's like, and don't fuck it up.

That's why he's a hall of am asser. Yeah. That's what all those morning talk guys do. They say the same thing. and then they'll ask a rhetorical question about it. So am I a big fan of Matt? Yeah, of course I am. Yes, I'm a fan.

Of course. Same. I'm like, bro, you're saying the same thing. It's hard to film in. Have you ever tried to do a broadcast? I could never sit and do like Bill Burr and these guys that are entertaining by themselves. I could never sit and talk to that camera for an hour by myself. Really?

You don't think so? Fuck, no. And be entertaining for an hour every week. I know so. I know so. I want to talk about one other thing because we talked about family and you sent something in about you had a pretty scary situation with your son had an allergic reaction. Oh, yeah. We were in.

I'm sorry. How many kids do you have? Two. My daughter is 19. My son is 21. Okay. Just a two are. Daughter is a sophomore at ASU and my son just graduated.

And we'd never gone overseas before. My kids had like had these opportunities. with their high school. There's a teacher that would take them on a, she took like 30 kids on a trip to, to Europe. Damn. Yeah. So, and my wife went with my son. She was a chaperone. And he loved it. And he's like, you got to go. So we ended up going to Italy a couple of years ago. I'd never, I'd never been overseas. I was always scared to fly over water. I felt like those were the planes that always went down. So we went and we had a great time and then we were in Florence. That was like our third or fourth stop.

And we went to this high-end restaurant in Florence, got these amazing steaks and stuff like that. And my son was having a weird, just something was wrong. He didn't know what it was, but he's like, I just don't feel right. Now, he's deathly allergic to peanuts and tree nuts. He's anaphylactic, the whole thing. Turns out that they ground cashews into the pecorino cheese on the table cheese. So he had eaten a bunch of cashews. So wow, just a little tiny, like he's that allergic.

Well, yeah. So he is, so he leaves, he goes back to the hotel, which is across the street. How old is he at the time? 18, something like that. So we think he's, you know, just kind of being. We don't know. We don't know anything because he's just like something's weird. But he's not articulating it very well. But because he's kind of in shock probably. So then he sends my daughter back because we're downstairs in the basement. That's where this restaurant is. And my daughter comes back and says something's really wrong. And we got to go now. So we get up and we run over there. And he's basically his body's almost purple. So he's in he's got the NFL. phlaxis going on he's still breathing okay is he talking communicating at all yeah but slower and not really and he's also just scared he's just really really scared that's you know we're in italy what are we

going to yeah so my wife goes to the the front desk of the hotel and they have they they are they've had issues and stuff like that before where they just knew what to do they got another way to cheese yeah but wasn't especially it wasn't that specifically but there was a little doctor doctor Mario was basically what he was he was like he's a me he in the hotel not in the hotel but nearby that heard about the allergy and made a bee line over with no way doctor bag literally had the little doctor bag now we didn't use the epi the epi pen we didn't know what was going on we weren't sure and he gives in the shots and stuff like that because he'd had hives you know the and but what happens is the hives

start and then they get bigger and then they all connect. Oh shit. And it didn't even look like the same person. What? Yeah. Just crazy. I'll show you a picture later. It's I don't know if he'd wanted on here, but it's like you can, you can see he doesn't even look like he's purple. He's basically purple. So the doctor says, did you give him epinephrine? We're like, no,

we didn't use the Epipenny. He goes, always just use it just in case. It just buys you time. He got him, got the steroid in him and stuff. But he was in such shock that he was out of it for the next a couple days just lying in bed. And then he was scared to eat anything. And another moment, when we came back, you know, he was all right. And we came back to the States. And like two months later, we went to an Italian restaurant.

And he just had a physical mental, like just being in an Italian restaurant. It was just, it all relived for him. And he had to go and sit in the parking lot for a while. And I went and sat with him. But it was, it's that type of that moment was a moment of, oh, my God, I couldn't imagine. How do you figure out that it was the cheese? So we finally know because we couldn't. There was a language barrier with the, they were pretty good about it at the restaurant.

We had somebody call the restaurant who spoke Italian fluently months later and ask what was in different recipes and stuff like that. Because they think that if peanuts or nuts aren't a main, if you don't see it, they're not thinking about the table cheese, the fact that there's cashew in them. So, and I found out T.J. Watt had the same type of situation happen. He's allergic to peanuts and had a massive allergic reaction in Italy. So I know JJ. And I was like, I can't believe this. But my brother had the same type of situation. So it was very interesting. From that. Only a name drop. That's only reason. Yeah. But T.J. Watt didn't have that. No shit. Yeah. Damn. Yeah. And so that's just one of those moments of mortality and your kid. You're like, oh my gosh. Because he, I don't. He also in a foreign country. Like there's all these. barriers that make everything different. He was in bad shape, but he wasn't, I don't think he was anywhere near death, but it could have gotten to that point. But he feels like he was on death's doorstep. And how would you not? I mean, especially as an 18, 19 year old kid, just scary. Also, I'm realizing as I listened to you, you don't even know what's going on. It's months later, you figure out what happens to him in that moment. Yeah, yeah. It is terrifying to be in this two month window,

like, what the fuck was that? What did I eat? What did I do? Yeah. And he was just scared because he eats basically the same he eats tripotle all the time and a few other foods because he knows right what they are and he doesn't take a lot of chances and he hadn't had an allergic reaction since the fourth of july like eight or ten years before so it'd been a long time but he you know how'd you find out he had it what was the original thing do you remember chinese food when he was little all the little peanuts there was peanuts in a there was some type of cow or some yeah and he got it and i i remember just throwing the i go it's got to be nuts and i just slam the um whatever was in front of him.

I go, get that away from him. And they took him to the doc. My wife, he took him the doctor. Yeah, you could just tell. It's just start puffing him.

And then it would happen a couple times. And he'd get into those days where he's just kind of like, he'd have this moment. It's just not with it 100%. And that's the shock of the, you know. Are you trying anything where like they're trying to give them little doses and all that these days? I don't know. It's his was so bad.

The numbers were so bad that I don't know. There might be some things that could. That microdose might be actually bad for you. Yeah. I don't know. They might have advanced the technology and everything enough where he could do that type of thing at this point. But he's not in a place where he even wants to try it. I don't blame him.

Frank, this was great, man. Thank you for coming on here. Before we wrap up, I know you touched on a little earlier, but advice you'd give to 16-year-old Frank Calliando. My advice would be pay attention. Those two words are something. I mean, even when I walked in, I said, where are you from? And you said, look around. I mean, I don't even need, I can give 51, 52 year old, Frank, the same advice.

But you just say, look around and Baltimore is everywhere. And I'm like, because I was focused. When I meet a person, I don't always take in everything. I'm more focused on the person and trying to pay attention to the person because I've been bad at that before. But where I didn't even pay attention to, you know, I think part of it comes from my dad's an I, I, I, me, me guy. My dad, like, everything's him. Like, how does that affect me type of thing? He doesn't say that out loud, but it's, I remember going to Chuck Echise

and he could do one voice, Donald Duck, and he's doing them like wrong mouse dad. Come on. But he wanted to embarrass us. But I'm very worried about that. I think it's actually a negative in the entertainment world. Like, if you act like a superstar, you have a better chance of being taken as a superstar. People think, if you act like a regular person, like, I've had people at like fairs and stuff like, don't you have any security?

I'm like, for what? Nobody's running around. And if they do know me, they say hello. But if you have a person, you draw attention. And like, there's more of that going on around. I mean, there's people like Tom Cruise that just couldn't go anywhere. So don't draw attention. Pay attention.

Yeah, but pay attention. The paying attention is, way to get back on track. The paying attention is pay attention in school. Pay attention to what people say. Listen to people's names. I'm terrible with names. I'm bad at names too. I'll know your bits and your shit.

I'll be what was his name again? Yeah. And I meet somebody and I try to get into it. We also meet a, in our defense, we meet a lot of different people. It's indefensible. It is. Mark. Dude, thank you.

One more time. Promote whatever you'd like, please. Frankonstage.com. All the dates coming up, whether it's Omaha, Nebraska, the Funny Bone, the Milwaukee Improv, off the hook comedy club in Fort Myers. There's a chock talk casino in right outside, a couple hours outside of, to Dallas. So looking forward to that as well.

Frank onstage.com and dates are being at it all over the country all the time. All right, my man. Thank you very much. As always, Ryan Sickler and all your social media, we'll talk to you all next week.