The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - 375: Kevin Nealon | The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler #375 | Full Episode

Episode Date: March 2, 2026

My HoneyDew this week is comedian Kevin Nealon! Check out Kevin’s latest special, Loose in the Crotch, as well as the Oscar nominated documentary he produced called, Come See Me in the Good Light. Kevin joins me to Highlight the Lowlights of recently finding a half brother through 23, being an older dad, and one of his worst experiences on Saturday Night Live! Kevin also shares a wild story about the time he found out he was being phone tapped by an article in the New York Times! 🎟️See me live. All tickets at www.ryansickler.com/tour 🎤Check out my new standup special “Live & Alive” streaming on my YouTube now! http://youtu.be/PMGWVyM2NJo?si=SrhXjgzR1pe6CyYE 👉 Subscribe for more standup and new episodes of The HoneyDew, The Wayback, and more! http://youtube.com/@rsickler ✅ Subscribe to my Patreon “The HoneyDew with Y’all”! Get The HoneyDew audio and video a day early, ad-free, for just $5/month! Want more? Upgrade to the $8/month premium tier and get everything above plus The Wayback a day early, ad-free, censor-free, and exclusive bonus content you won’t find anywhere else! http://patreon.com/RyanSickler 📧What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail] 👕Get Your Merch👕 http://www.bonfire.com/store/ryansickler/ 🎧 Listen to my Podcasts 🎧 The HoneyDew - http://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-honeydew-with-ryan-sickler/id527446250 The Wayback - http://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-wayback-with-ryan-sickler/id1721601479 Patreon - http://www.patreon.com/ryansickler 📣 Follow Me📣 ▪ Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/ryansickler/ ▪ TikTok: http://www.tiktok.com/@ryan.sickler ▪ Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/RyanSicklerOfficial 🕸️ryansickler.com/ 🍈thehoneydewpodcast.com/ 🦀Subscribe to The CrabFeast Podcast🦀 http://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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y'all. We're over here doing it in the nightpan studios. I am Ryan Sickler. Ryan Sickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all your social media. Thank you guys for supporting this show. I love it. I love sitting here. Highlight and low lights. And I'm very excited to have this week's guest here. New year, we're going on shorter intros, y'all. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the one and only Kevin Neal. Welcome to the Honeydew, Kevin Neal. I didn't realize you had a studio audience here. You're clapping you in, bro. You've got to be clapped in, dude. Yeah, I love it. First of all, thank you so much for being here.

Thank you. Before we get into whatever we're going to talk about, right there, promote everything and anything you would like. I got so many things, man. Do it. First and foremost, I have my comedy special that's out now. It came out on the 27th. It's called Loose in the Crotch. Is that what you want to loosen the crotch?

It's loosen the crotch. And it'll be explained on the special. So you can see that on YouTube, 800-pound gorilla platform. Now, if that's not enough, Okay. I have an Oscar-nominated documentary that I'm executive producing. Do you? With my wife and several other people. Yep. It's called Come See Me in the Good Light. It's streaming on Apple TV right now. And I haven't, you know, I, did I ever tell you this?

I paint celebrity caricatures. I know you paint. Yeah, yeah. I do celebrity caricatures. Wait, can I stop you for a second? What's the documentary about? Oh, it's a love story, basically. It's about two women that live in, um, and their poets. One's the poet laureate. Her name is Andrea Gibson and their partner, Megan Falley. And Andrea is diagnosed with incurable cancer. And it's not about that though. It's not about surviving a cancer. It's about appreciating every minute of your life. And surprisingly,

it's funny. It's really funny. So I'm really excited about that, really have about that. And we just woke up last week and got the news. And that was exciting. Hell yeah. Because it won Sundance and it won a lot of film festivals. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, so I do the character paintings and people are always asking, where can we buy your paintings, you know? And I finally open up a shop online. It's Kevin Neal and Art.com and they could find it there. But let's not forget the most important thing. He's still awake? I'm right here, brother. Dial it in. I'm tap it. Of course, you know, I've been doing my show hiking with Kevin for about five or six years. I've done about 170 hikes.

Do you do Runyon all the time? No. I haven't done running in a while. I'm not a fan of Runyon really. It's too doggy. Yeah, it's crowded too. Where do you go? Are you like that?

I go everywhere. Fryman, you ever go to Fryman, Canyon? Yeah, yeah. I love Fryman from the top, from the bottom. I do the, I do the rainforest trail, which is nice. I don't know that. Oh, you mean up there, the, the, the. the tree people thing over there?

No? Oh, no. No, it's on the other side of tree people. It goes down this little valley. And it is like a rainforest. It's beautiful, canopy. It's right there the whole time, and I know you know it. I just discovered it about a year and a half ago.

So I do a lot of those trails. But, you know, I used to do a lot in the palisades until the fires. So I lost about. It was my favorite. My favorite, too. That was my favorite. That was my favorite. That's gone on.

It's gone. Yeah. It'll be back, though. In fact, I was hiking in Will Rogers State Park with Bill Burr. and during my little intro I do and I was talking about the trees how beautiful they were and I said can you believe

these trees are still here in 2020 25 or whatever it was? It's amazing if they're still here and then within three days they were gone gone yeah so recapping new special loosen the crotch on YouTube now

800 pound gorilla we have got the come see me in the good light is the Oscar nominee And where can we see that? Apple TV. Apple TV. Yep. And we've got the art store, Kevin Neelanart.com. And we have Hiking with Kevin on YouTube. Boom. Boom. That's it, man. Is that enough? That's more than enough. You know it, man. People could just zip right through that and get right to the interview.

Well, I've been fucking small talking you over here a little bit, chatting you up. And it's been more than small talk, I should say. And you're 72 now, which blows me away. You look great. Thank you. You said you've been doing comedy for, let me do the math here, 46 years because that's, I'm 52. You were started when I was in first grade. Yeah, I'm just 20 years older than you. So don't think you know more than me today. I know. But what I want to know is, let's you.

So better. So where are you from originally? And tell me about your family. I grew up. Well, originally I was born in St. Louis, Missouri. I only lived there for three weeks. I hated the place, got in a car, but.

I love you. No, my father graduated from Sluw, St. Louis University, and he got a job in Connecticut. And, you know, this is true. I was born in a hospital called the Incarnate Word on Grant Street, or Grand Avenue, whatever it's called. That closed. It's, I think, a hotel now.

So I could stay in that hotel in the original room where I was born. And I had sent up a crib. Imagine you dying in that room and you come and go in the same room. Wow, the portal. How about that? The portal. I'm going to open some shit right there, man. So are you the oldest?

Are you the first? You are. I'm the middle. I'm the middle. I was the youngest for a long time. And then my parents, same parents, 12 years later, had a daughter, my sister and a brother 16 years later.

Wait, not twins at 12. They did 12 and then again at 16 years later. Yes. So it's four of you. There was five of us. Me, two brothers, two sisters. And then we found out that we have a, half brother about two years ago lives in San Diego about an hour and 45 minutes.

Okay. I keep here. People sit on these shows with me all the time. Now with all the DNA and everything, I keep here more and more of this. Is it bloated. I mean, also, you could have died and not ever known that. How the fuck does that even enter your world? Well, my sister found out about it on 23 of me, which I thought was a dating site for a long time. And she was kind of hesitant to tell us. She didn't know how we would react to it because we, you know, we worship our father. We still do after all this. But when she told us, we're all just kind of amused by it, you know, because if you knew our father, you would never think that, and he wasn't married at the time. He had just gotten back from Okinawa. He was 19, whatever. And he was a good-looking

guy, lived in the Bronx. All the ladies loved him. And he was in love with my mother, who was working as a secretary for general at the Pentagon at the time. Damn. Yeah. So, and also gone to the modeling school. So she was kind of going after her career. So he was writing her every day. Come home, come on, I'm back, let's go. And she was a little, you know, dragging her feet a little bit. So I guess one night, the family across the street,

they grew up across the street from the mother of, well, not the mother, but I don't want to make this sound complicated. But the woman that came over, they had a one-night stand. She had been in a fight with her husband. husband and my father was kind of mourning the loss of his brother who died in Korea. So they hooked up. She got pregnant and she didn't know it, of course, went back to her husband, our family, and my mother came back and he took my mother and they went up to Maine, got married, and then went to St. Louis, where he went to school. And she was pregnant with my sister, right? But since we found

my brother, he's a month older than my sister. So she got pregnant a month before my mother came back. And then I think my mother got pregnant, well, a month after that. Yeah. Yeah. So nobody knew about it. Her whole family didn't know, his whole family. That's what I'm saying. So that this poor bastard thinks he's, I shouldn't even say bastard because we know what we're talking about, but this poor husband the whole time thinks this son is his and it's not. But he always felt like a black sheep in the family. And he looks more like my friend. father. Does he? Yeah. Did he know though? Did he ever put it together? Nobody knew. My parents never knew, apparently. The father Joe never knew. And the mother, of course, knew. Sort of because the woman,

the daughter, my niece found out about it and got a hold of my sister and confronted her grandmother and said, Graham, I want to know, I want the truth. What do you know about Emma? Do you think you could had a child with him? Well, we were together one night, so I don't know, but I think she did know. But now here's where some people find it complicated. Building a great wardrobe comes down to finding pieces that feel good, mix well, and last. And that is exactly what you get with quince. With premium fabrics and well-thought designs, they make everyday essentials that feel great and are dependable even as the seasons change. We're kind of in that weird weather right now where it starts off cool in the morning, but then it's either hot or raining by the afternoon. Quince's

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My father, his brother, who was killed in Korea, was married, follow me so far? Mm-hmm. To this woman's sister. Got it. So when my brother was growing up, this is a familiar lady to your dad. Yeah. Yeah.

They would go to reunions together or, you know, little family things. And my brother would see my father at these things. And he loved him. He thought, this guy is cool. This guy is cool. It was my father. It was his father.

And that's fucking crazy. That's crazy. And isn't it crazy? I know this is a lot of people are experienced this now with all the years. Yeah. And that's, but real quick, too. So some,

one in the family tree at some point has got to put some kind of DNA or something to get this all going, right? Yeah. You don't have your info up on there. So who? I do have my info up in there. Oh, really? Is that how she was able to connect it then?

Well, she, apparently she tried to get a hold of me first and I don't really check that stuff. But how? Because you do have your info. But if you don't, then they have no idea. They don't know. Is there any other way to have been connected if you didn't have your, does anyone else in the family? Yeah. Yeah.

My sister. That's who she got a hold of. All right. That's who she wants. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah. But yeah, I mean, it's, how many other kids are out there, though? Because he was stationed to France for a while with the merchant marines. Their ship got a crack on the holster there for seven months until the ship got fixed. He was in Okinawa. I see old home movies, you know, the, you know, the black and white and there's geisha girls in the back walking by with the fans. You know, I don't know. There's got to be, I think for a lot of people, there's got to be.

We do a Patreon show here called The Honey Do With You All, where it's this show with the fans. It's the greatest show ever. Oh, yeah. We had a lady come on here who submitted her info into 23 and Me or one of these sites, and they found out that she knew she was a, you know, a donate. She was a sperm donor. Yeah, yeah. Well, you're only supposed to. We're all sperm donors, aren't we?

Yeah, we are, man. I looked into it when I was younger and you can only donate sperm. two times in a certain mile radius because, although it's not probable, people can shoot it that far? It's possible. Wow. That those two people could meet and breed unknown to them, right? Right.

So you can't populate an area. Well, this fucking guy did. No. He went to a clinic. I think it was in San Francisco. And at the time she was on with us, Kirsten, was it like 40 people? siblings and they kept popping up because this guy, they weren't supposed to take the samples, but they did and he just kept going weekly.

But his argument was he was Jewish from the Holocaust and he wanted to keep the Jewish bloodline going. So he went and did, and she was up to 55 at the time. Like here I am thinking I have no siblings and I've got this army out there. So there's a very good chance, a bunch of 19 year old guys. guys back then. Yeah. It's all over the place. I could have grandkids. You could, dude. Wait, let's hold on. Let's talk about your dad because I asked you outside. Your dad, you say he's alive? No, no. He passed at what age? He passed at 92. How long ago was that? He would be 100 now. So he never got to find out about this. Never found out about it. He never got to find out. I don't,

you know, I don't think so. I mean, from what I've heard, now I'm not sure about his father, though, Because whenever there was an event, his father, if you knew my father was going, he wouldn't go. So, mom, maybe that's something there. Maybe he did now. But when did he find, when did the actual your brother find out? When did he find out? When did he find out? When did he find out?

He was notified. And it was devastating for him because he woke up one morning realizing that his siblings, his four siblings weren't his real siblings. Oh, he's got four. His full siblings. Yeah. And then our family was, you know, half brothers and sisters too. So when you wake up and believing that, you know, everything you believed in is wrong, you know, it's kind of disturbing.

Your whole life. Yeah. Not 10, 11, 12, you got a time. So he says, you know, after we started communicating email and started talking and then we eventually saw him, but he would email me in ego, Kib, I know you're a bit. big celebrity stuff. So I'm going to keep this on the download because, you know, I'm sure you don't want the paparazzi. I said, Dan, don't worry about the paparazzi. In fact, go ahead. Get it out there. Get it out there. Tell him. But how old is he? He's 74. Okay. So, and does he shit himself when he finds out

Kevin Nealens is fucking happy? You know damn well. He knew who you were. He's not like in a bubble. Like, oh my God. Right. Can you imagine your whole like. being a fucking lion and also you're related to brand pit or something you know what i mean he won't a fan he used to hate me he showed me two times man that's wild it is wild then and i've heard about other people finding that you know they have brothers and sisters and i thought man that'll never happen to me because if you knew my father it just and like i said he wasn't married at the time but you know it was it was a it was a close a close call and i don't think i would be here now if he found out i remember mother found out. Yeah. I would be somebody's half-brother. And everyone in the family is,

is your mom still alive? No. She died in 92 as well. And did she ever know about? No, no, nobody knew. Nobody knew. But, you know, he would be, I think he would be, you know, there's a question, too, is, is it better to have left it unsaid or to get it out there? And I think it is better to get it out there. Hi, I'm with you. You know, especially, I think my father would have liked to have known at one point, you know, And also, of course, my brother Dan would like to have been, hang out with him and get to know him a little bit. And you guys. And us, yeah.

I mean, we were all, it's funny, we're sending him all this. Same age, like. Yeah, same like could have been in that free zone. Yeah, that pocket, yeah. But we're sending him, like, pictures of us on vacations. Like, we lived in Europe for a while. Great. My father, you know, we're having bread in France and stuff.

Where is he? I know. And he's like in the Bronx somewhere, I guess. And, but it would have been nice to have all grown up together. But he's, but no, he's really happy. He's really happy being. You've met him in person, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you see physical similarities? Do you, like the way the Farley brothers are? Do you see any of the characteristics of you or your siblings in him? I know you didn't spend a lot of time, maybe, but do you see any of that? I've spent a lot of time. Do you look at him? You know what? How I look at him, I look at him like I've seen, like he's an uncle of mine.

Like, I used to see my uncles at reunions. And they would be, you know, his age. age and I thought he kind of looks like my uncles but he looks more like my father than any of us he does yeah yeah and he's got crazy when you first see him like that yeah yeah and he grew up in the Bronx too so he's got like my father's kind of accent you know but yeah he's great guy he's nice guy and um we try to spend time together whenever we go down to san diego the first time he came to San Diego to meet me, we had dinner, him and his wife, who was also my half-sister. Fuck a fuck-a-poll me.

That's crazy, isn't it? He doesn't know. He doesn't know. So, anyway, he came to it. We joined him for dinner, and he brought a handkerchief because he thought he'd be crying, you know, but he wasn't. But also, man, you're sitting there. I don't give a fuck.

I mean, with my wife, like, do you? leave Kevin Nealind's my mom and fucking all this time. All this time. There's not enough years left for that poor dude to process everything that could have been. What? I mean, that's a lot to unpack. A lot of pictures we sent him and history. You know, it's, uh, is there ever anything with his mom and your dad? Like, you know, you said they used to go to the things. Are there any photos of his mom and your dad together anywhere at all? Um, he might have. He might have. have some from the reunions. I would like to see one of him and my father. But it is, it is interesting. When sitting down, we're talking about my father and he's calling him dad, someone that I didn't grow up

with calling my father dad. Yeah. What did that feel like? It is true. It is true. It was weird. At first it was like, hey, it's not, oh yeah, it is. It should be tad. Yeah. It's also interesting that, again, I'm going back. I'm sorry to the Tommy Boy thing where he has the scene with Rob Lowe. and instantly he's we're stepbrothers instantly he loves it this guy is calling your dad dad without ever growing up with him being dad or having a hug or a moment or any core memory and he's dad that's interesting to me that his dad wasn't dad and this is well he might have been you know he might have been he calls his just so we separate the two he calls his dad joe because that's his name that's not his dad it is it's his it's his

They spend more time with Joe than my father. But I think they did have moments at these little reunions or get-togethers. He would see my father and go, this guy's cool. All right. So your dad did meet his son, not knowing at all that's his son, thinking it's a, what, nephew or cousin? Just somebody. Yeah. Well, from the people across the street, you know, the son of the person across the street.

God. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. Man, that would fuck with me as the kid, too, like, oh, my God, I actually did have the. I would be. regretful that I wasn't able to hang out with him. Mm-hmm. Yeah, because your dad sounded like a great dad. It's great.

It's great. He'd want to abandon this kid. I feel like if he knew he'd absolutely want to. Do you think that would have destroyed your parents' marriage? Probably. Yeah, like I said, I wouldn't be here right now. Yeah. But you know what?

It is what it is, as they say, as they say. But you're a dad now. I am a dad. And you said before we started recording, you started off as an older dad how old were you when you became i was 53 year older than you yeah yeah 53 and that was your first being a dad probably probably well we'll see you got you shit out online now they're coming for you bro do you ever lay in bed and go let's see if i might have any kids out there let's see there was so-and-so from san diego there was that girl in the love truck and the love truck it was a love truck

it used to be called love truck what's the love truck i think it was a toyota that was the model there's a flatbed in the back. You know what I mean? So you go through them all and mine was always like, nah, but it's possible. No. Not for you? Mm-mm. Are you married?

No. So it still could be possible. No. They're not out there. You've been fixed? No, I need to get fixed. You still broken? I'm broken, bro.

I'll always be broken, even if I get fixed. You don't want to be married? I want to be married, but I'm done. I have an 11-year-old daughter. Oh, you do? Yeah, and her brother is, they're half siblings, but her brother is 22, and we're very close. I've known him since he was six. So I've got the kids.

I don't want, yeah. Yeah. And no offense. I think about it. I've thought about it before. Like, if I had a kid right now starting all over again in my 50s, I don't think I have the knees or the back for it. You know what I mean? I do know what you mean.

I do. I tore my bicep muscle when he was. like four. And the guy goes, well, we could fix her, leave it the way it is, but you'll lose 40% of your strength. I go, well, I want all my strength. Let me be picking him up, you know. I'm going to be throwing the ball with him and stuff. How'd you tear it? It's playing basketball at Gary Shandling's house. We would have a basketball games up there on Sundays. And I went to intercept the pass and bring another time. And then like, you know, two years later, I'm left on the couch from my other hand, trying to pull a cord out from under the leg and bang on that one. I knew exactly

what it was. So, but here's the thing, I always wanted kids. I always wanted kids. Why did you wait so long? Because I was married once before. She wanted kids, but then after two years, she decided she didn't want kids. I see. And because my parents were married so long and, you know, for good times and bad time, I stayed. I stayed with it and I should have left. How much longer did you stay? Eight or nine years. But, but, but yeah. So I always wanted a kid. So can I ask you a personal question? Yeah.

When you divorce, I'm assuming for your first wife. Yeah. Are you looking to be a dad? Are you looking for a partner to have a child at that moment? Is that a goal? Or is this still, hey, if I meet the right person, it happens great. If I meet the right person. And that's what I was getting to.

I was shooting a show at the time. I was the host of it. And my friend, John Henson, was doing a talk show pilot. He said, would you be a guest on here? We're going to do it with Kevin James and Ray Ramon. I know, there'll be the three of you. I said, sure. So I got there late because I had to finish up my show. And I come over to the studio and I go in the makeup trailer and there's a girl sitting there. And on the way over, I was thinking, I wonder if I'm ever going to be a father. You know, I hear about, you know, you think about single women and single actresses adopting a kid. But you never really hear about a single guy or a... Did you consider it? I was thinking about it. You know, I was... Being a single dad who adopted. I was thinking about it. Not too heavily, but So I get in the trailer and it's been three years since my divorce.

And that's why I'm getting older. And I always thought I had three kids. Right now I was probably around 49, 47, 48. And so I go in there and I see her sitting in the chair. She's the comedic correspondence on the show. And they're running way behind as they do. And I said hi to her when I came in. My makeup artist is sitting like two or three chairs down.

No one else is in the place. And I say hi to her. and loud enough for her to hear, I said, you know, you hear about single actresses and single women adopting a kid? Can a single guy adopt a child? And she went, it told her everything right there. She even thought that was the best pickup line. I know a guy that did it. Really? I used to work with a writer and he did it. He really did. He adopted a little boy and he loves it. Oh, that's great. That's his thing. Yeah. So we have a man I've ever known that's done that solo. I know, right? So right away, she's like, this fucking guy's a honeypot right here.

This dude, wants kids, loves kids, needs love, needs all. He's dying to be love and love someone. And it happened quickly. You know, we hung out for that whole evening, which they were waiting to put her on. I was already finished. I could have gone home, but we're laughing, hanging out. And then I carry her stuff to a car with her. And I said, hey, you want to come out?

We're all getting drinks afterwards. She goes, I wish I could. About I got to get up early in the morning. She didn't have to get up early. She had to go home and break up with her boyfriend. No. Yeah. She told you that later.

Yeah, and she called her mother. She goes, right away. I just met the man I'm going to marry, she said. That's how she told her boyfriend? Her mother. Oh, I was like, what? Well, they had like an honor. It was more of like a friends with benefit thing.

On again, they always had an agreement. Somebody meets somebody. It'd be over. So, but he wasn't ready for it to be over, I guess. But anyway, so she told her mother, and I went home and I told my wife. I said, hon, I just miss telling me. But, you can't get the fuck out. But, yeah, I worked out great.

I was still a little hesitant about getting into another relationship, even though I wanted to. And if you don't have to say, how old was she? She is 18 years younger than me. Okay, so you're 47, 30. So she's early 30. So she's, all right. She's maybe not feeling the biological tick, so to speak. I don't know.

She might have been because her ears perked up when I said about the baby. But, yeah, it worked out great. And we've been married now for, we've been together for 24 years. Wow. Congratulations. How long did it take to have your child? You're older, so it'd take you a while? It took, well, let's see, we got married.

And about a year. Yeah. And that was trying like every five minutes. What was that like? What, trying? No, having to be in a dad. Oh, it's great. It was great.

And your dad and mom are still with you at the time. They are so excited because that's, their only grandchild in at this point. Oh, you're the first one. But then what he didn't know is that his son had five kids. So he had six grandchildren. Jesus. Yeah.

So I didn't feel so bad. Wait, do your kids now all know their kid? Like, is everybody starting to sort of introduce each other into the webs of families? Well, Dan still hasn't met my wife or my son or one of my sisters. I think. But we're having a little reunion this summer. So I think that'll be, but they're great.

The husband and wife are great. They have a mountain house up near Idaweil. Looks beautiful. I've never been there. Everyone tells me how beautiful it is. Yeah, my buddy Jim goes there all the time. Yeah, it's great. She loves it.

Does she? The mayor of the town's a dog. Oh, really? Yeah. I like it because I used to be an Elvis Presley fan and Kid Galaad, one of the movies he shot was up there. He's a boxer in the ring. So whenever I hear about I don't know, I think a kid galah had, that was right, baby.

I watched, I just saw a clip yesterday of Elvis where some lady was trying to get him to talk about Vietnam and all that of their era time. And he just said, I'm just entertaining. Honey, actually, honey, I'm just entertaining. That's always said, I'm just entertaining. Don't you call me, honey. Yeah. Yeah, I always wonder what, well, I guess he wanted to the service. that was before Vietnam, you know.

So when your dad passes, what are the lessons you're teaching your son? Well, the lessons that my father taught me. Which are what about that? Well, it's funny you should ask that because I'm thinking, what are the little things I haven't taught him before he goes off to college?

You know, it's like all of a sudden, last minute, okay, what happened I taught him? Oh my God, little things, like how to hang a picture on the wall, right? And one of them was how to, Do you know how to open up a can with a can opener, a manual can opener? Like the old school? Yeah. The ones we, I grew up using.

He goes, yeah, sure, I know how to use that. I said, really? Okay, here's a can of baked beans. Let me show me how you open that. And he's fumbling with it. He isn't how to do it. I said, let me show you how to do it. Like, it's very easy.

You just clamp it onto here and he just turn that, turn that all the way around. And then it's open. He goes, okay, got it. Thank you. I said, okay, I'm going to, here's another can of beans. Here's a can opener. I'll be back in 10 minutes. I want to see that open.

I gave him a lot of time. That's a lot. He could open five. If he was really cool, he would open five of them. So he, I leave and I come back, you know, 10 minutes later. And he's got the laptop open to a YouTube tutorial showing him out of you. Come on. For the fucking can opener?

And then I realized, I don't need to show him anything. He's got the YouTube. He's got parents on the Internet now. Mm-hmm. I learned how to tie the Cadillac and Knots, Double Windsor on YouTube. I do everything. And I'll tell you what I use now is chat, GBT. Any question I have, you know, how do I get, you know, how would I find files, you know, on my phone? Boom. None. That's pretty crazy. So getting back to the lessons your dad taught you about death, you were saying, I'm teaching my

cell like trying to cram it in. What's, when is your dad teaching you about death? Is he, he teaching as we're growing up as we're kids? I mean, are prominent people in the family passing? Are you talking to him about his passing? No, no. I mean, you know, he set examples growing up. Like, he showed us how to treat people nicely, be kind. Like, he was always worried about homeless people when it was cold out. You know, he just felt really bad of it.

Or if somebody that we knew was young and died and he would just get, you know, he really had a lot of compassion for people. And he was a great... You might be tempted to let Taco Bell's new Lux Value menu. Go to your hands. Because 10 indulgences for $5 or less makes you feel fancy. Like you might think you need cloth napkins. Well, you don't.

Just use the ones that come in the bag. Don't let the luxe go to your head. Mechanic. That's not what he did as living. He was an aeronautical engineer. Oh, wow. So he taught me how to build airplanes, you know, at home and how an airplane works, why it flies. He told me, you know, he showed me how to, you know, do things.

Build stone walls and pour cement, you know. and I remember he would always, back to Tracin was the answer for everything. I can't hear you. I can't even with you. I fucking love you right now. Do you know what I mean? Back to Tracian.

I can't. You just hit a core memory for me. Dude. Middle school, we had a, I shouldn't say her name. Her name was Ms. Farver, though. She was the middle school nurse.

Yeah. And there were two answers she had. There was one answer for everyone. And there was one answer for girls. We're in middle school. You go in, it wasn't even as big as this office. Behind this, she sat like you are. Behind this woman was a mountain of tampax.

A mountain, not hidden, not, no, a mountain getting ready for every girl in middle school who's about to hit this. And the other thing she had was Basset Tracin. It didn't matter. You go in, you're like, I cut this, my tooth got knocked out, Basset, Pussin Basset Trayson. I haven't heard someone say Basset Racet Racine, yeah. Yeah, it was their Neo-Sport. You could use that as lubricant. You could use it for anything.

I can't even believe it. I haven't heard that term for so long. And you know what? My parents never swore. Really? Nobody swore in our family growing up. And to this day, I don't swear in front of my kid, but my wife occasionally will swear.

But so he knows me as a guy who doesn't swear, you know? So he doesn't swear. And I did my special where I, you know, I think I used like three or four curse words throughout the whole thing. but it wasn't like in a bad way. And afterwards, and I felt odd because he was watching it, and I felt a little self-conscious. He goes, dad, you said some bad words up there.

I said, yeah, I just couple, but I don't typically say that, you know. So, but that's the way stand-up is too. When you, well, you're not married, but when my wife comes to the show, I'm self-conscious that she's there. So, you know, I might change bits a little bit, you know, Not that she would be offended, but, and same with their kid. But they hardly ever come because my wife worries that I'm going to bomb or I'll be canceled,

which I would be the last person for that to happen. Yeah. You definitely would. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, so back to Tracin was a big one and being kind of people. And also he was all about layering. He loved to layer in the winter clothes. Okay, dress is what I thought you meant.

Yeah, okay. Yeah. So if we were going to a formal thing with a tuxedo, I'd have another tuxedo underneath that exactly. Fuck you. No, you did not, dude. Shut up. No, but seriously, it was all about the layering. And whenever we got a jacket or a coat, it had to be like two sizes bigger so we could wear sweaters under. Layer it, yeah. And stuff, you know. So these are all coming back to me right now. Also, he was a smoker. And he had a lot of big time trouble trying to quit. And he got into his 90s, huh? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. And that's a man that lived hard. We're talking about Okinawa. We're talking about a brother who was killed over there. Cigarettes when they were fucking lucky strikes with no filters and shit. Exactly. Exactly.

An era where they're telling you it's cool and good for you also, too. Working in a factory. Oh, man. How the hell did he make it into his 90s? You know what? It's his attitude. You know, he loved people. He loved us.

When he retired, I said, Dad, you got to get some hobbies. He goes, well, you guys are my hobbies. You know, and he would just look at us. Just be in wonderment, just looking at us. He loved us so much. And then when I had my child, he was just, I look at the pictures now and I can see so much love coming from him, just looking at that, the way he looks at all of us, you know.

So he really was a great role model. He really set some nice examples. Did you, what did he pass from? He passed from, it's dementia, I think. Oh, but we were very lucky with our parents because, it was a gradual going out. Like he kind of slowly got dementia. But it wasn't one of those crazy dementias or Alzheimer's.

He just became very quiet. He wanted to be with us too. He wanted to be around us. And my mother had multiple myeloma cancer, which is a slow-moving cancer. So they both died in the same room where they lived, but six years apart. So we were all with them.

Who first? Dad first. Dad first. So we were with them. and with my mother. In fact, I was with my father until that night, I had to drive to West Palm Beach. They lived in Fort Myers because I had a gig. I think the improv over there.

So I left knowing that I probably wouldn't see him again, but I knew he would want me to go and do this club. That's what he was. He goes, got to do it. Go ahead and just do it. You know, we're fine. So I left and I did it. And when I got there, my brother called said he passed.

So it was not easy doing that show. Just bring it up in a way. I did at the end, but that was really tough. But I find when I got on stage, I don't know if you do this, but it is a bubble. It's an escape. It's an escape room up there. I've gone through breakups where I was devastated and I got on stage and I was out of it. I can't explain it either.

I absolutely probably, you know, professionally, I'm my freest there. I mean, even when my daughter's mom and I were splitting and I'm losing my kid and I'm freaking the fuck out, I could get on stage for an hour and not think about it. And I don't know why. I don't know. I can't explain it. And I've also learned to like, you don't always need to know why. The more I try to figure it out, the more I'm probably going to fuck that up. Yeah.

And I don't know what it is about being there. But yeah, I'm with you for that amount of time, it doesn't run through my head. It has, having done this for so long, I can think of two different things at the same time on stage. Like I could be doing my act and I'll be thinking, okay, I got another episode of succession coming up tonight. I can't wait to find out what happens to Logan. You know what I mean? And the whole thing is I can't wait to get back to the hotel room, you know. I'm that too.

I'm also where the fire exits in this place in case shit goes down. Oh, I'm always scanning looking for those exits. Let me tell you about that. So I go back to my hometown. There's a comedy club there, Bridgeport, Connecticut. I can't believe it. There's a comedy club in my town where I grew up wanting to do stand-up, wanting to go to the improv because that's like one of the only comedy clubs in the country.

Now there's one in my hometown. So a couple years ago, I go there and I do the first show on Saturday. And then I'm in the green room. And there's a hallway that comes from the main room past the green room. I hear a stampede outside. People are screaming. They're running. I open the door.

I go, what's going on? People are running by this. a woman getting trampled on the ground. I was trying to, you know, and somebody goes, active shooter in the room. I go, what? I don't know what it is, but I don't, things don't affect me too much, you know,

I think because I'm really dead inside. You know what I think? I think so. It does help. And I said, okay, active shooter, I should probably. Just casually. Yeah. I should probably just jump into the stream of people.

let them kind of carry me out. So I go outside. I didn't even tell the opener. They was in the green room. I just shut the door. So I get outside and I go down to this parking garage, a little downhill ramp and there's a big green dumpster at the bottom of the ramp. And I go, well, I think I'll hide behind that.

It's a big metal thing. So I go around at the bartenders there. She's about ready to crawl into the garbage. I say, you don't got to go yet. Keep an eye out. So anyway, it turns out there wasn't an active shooter. It was a guy across the street in the front of the club in a park shooting off a gun with his buddy or something. You know, they were drunk.

So if somebody heard the pop, pop, and everybody's on edge. So somebody yelled active shooter. They yelled active shooter. Yeah. And it's like yelling fire in a theater. So everybody tipped over their tables. I went to that showroom afterwards. It looked like the Titanic Ballroom.

I mean, broken glass, every tables were flipped over. And then there was a discussion. Are we going to have the second show? Yeah. What are you talking? Did they? Yeah. No, come on, dude.

They flipped that room back. Half an hour. I mean, an hour later, they started an hour late, and the half of the audience was there. And, you know, it was interesting. You know, some people are saying, don't do it, don't do it. But all the cops are there. So I've had a lot of, like, I'm sure you've had a lot of crazy things happen on stage. Nothing like that.

No way. Nothing like that. I had a guy throw up a prosthetic leg once on stage. Did he hit you with it? No, but it was big. Like the whole leg, knee down or the whole motherfucker? No, from the thigh down and it had a foot. Yeah, but that's like two hands.

Yeah, yeah. It had a wool sock and a hiking boot. It was in Denver. Did one of his buddies do it as a joke? No, he did it. He did it. And I said, who threw that leg up here? He threw that leg.

He said, hop up here and get your leg. He didn't come up. Get the fuck out. Did you give it? How did you give it back? So what I did was I set it up on the stool. Yeah, hell yeah. We got a forensic on it. I said, okay, looks like this leg comes from probably a guy and clean shaving.

And probably he weighs about 30010 pounds. And he threw it up there because I had a joke. I said, you know, I grew up ahead of a dog. He was half German Shepherd. And that's it. He was in a wheelchair. So the guy throws his leg up. Yeah.

Another time I had, I was about 10 minutes away from finishing. I was at a club in San Francisco and people are dropping their forks. Then they're going, oh, my God. And I looked to the side of the stage. It's a big rat. I mean a big size of a cat that looked like a pure bread. It was like white with a little brown under their neck. And it ran all the way across the back of the stage and people were just going crazy.

It ran under the curtain into the kitchen. And then all of a sudden it came zipping out under my feet into the audience. And you could tell where that rat was. because people were jumping up on their tails wherever it was. And people actually thought that was a prop that I brought with me. Oh, they were like the comedian fucking put this here like Kevin Neal and brought. Yeah, I traveled with the rat. Who's fucking doing that?

Yeah. Yeah. So I've had a lot of experiences like that. And lately a lot of people, you know, my audiences are getting older, so people are collapsing and falling out of them. Okay. I've had that a lot. Do you have? What I, so my daughter has this thing I've learned called Vasil-Vagal Syncope.

And what it is is she is terrified of need. blood, any of that shit. And she'll pass out. Oh, just looking at it. Hearing it freaks her out. So Kirsten used to go with me on tour and she'd sell merch and stuff. And I'd be at these shows talking about my last special was about this near-death experience I had in the health complications, all this. And I'm realizing as I'm talking, at least like the first three or four shows, we had people collapse.

One lady was taken out in an ambulance. Hearing your story? Just listening to these stories. And I'm realizing, like, oh, these people probably have what my daughter has. Yeah, yeah. They're hearing it. They're slumping in their chairs and shit. We had at least three ambulances called and took out.

But my favorite was side splitters. Shout out the side splitters in Tampa. The lady, I could hear the commotion. But I also like to give it a minute because, you know, some people don't know how to order quietly. Yeah. You ever, you know, I'll take the, and you want to say, what the fuck are you done? Oh, they're just ordering, but they're just okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I hear this commotion back right back here. here and seeing people move and shit. And after the show, they're like, did you know about the lady that passed out? I'm like, what are you talking about? This lady passed out. And these people handed her through the row, passed her down the row to get her out the lobby because they didn't want to leave the show. And they're like, should we call the ambulance?

And they didn't. And I don't know. She got back up or something. I've had that a lot of that. But not anything like knock on wood, shooters or anything. I did when I was in, you have to remember, too, where you are in the United States. I forget that something. Yeah. I was concealed carry states, et cetera. And I was in Kansas City where I'll be February 14th, come see me, Valentine's weekend, Kansas City.

And my feature said, do you know the opener has a gun on him? And I said, what? And I go, hey, man, you have a gun on you? And he goes, yeah. He pulls up his back. He's got it tucked right back there. Because of the hecklers. Well, then it makes me think, Kevin, like, well, if he's got one of them, how many people out there? have them. Our guys got one. And maybe I should have one. And so I took a picture of it and I posted it. And then that's when the people started hitting me up. I'm here too. I got mine on me. I got mine on me. And that's what it hit me up like. The Texas? That was Kansas City. Oh, Kansas City. So that's what I'm saying. I got to remember the even here is a concealed carry. You got to fucking remember where you are. Yeah. You know, and be real fucking smart about it. I forget about shit like that too, you know. All right. I want to ask you a couple questions because as I, I, I, I, I researched on the internet and we found out there was some bullshit story about a murdered when.

Oh. Yeah, you had a brother who was murdered when he was a child. And that's ridiculous. But then it started making me question the other things. It could have happened though because I don't pay attention on it. You know what? Did your half brother have any siblings who were murdered? This could still be real.

This could still be factual. I don't know, maybe. But that person wouldn't be related to me. Yeah. That's a good point. It would be related to him. That's a good point. Your phone was tapped.

And you said, that was true. That's true. Tell me the story. And even how the fuck do you find out? In a nutshell, I was good friends with Gary Shanley, who unfortunately passed away several years ago. But he was in a lawsuit with his manager, who actually was my manager, too, at the time. So we would have long conversations about his lawsuit.

And I'd be on the phone. And I'd hear the same story over. and over and over. And occasionally I would hear on the phone. And kiddingly, I said to care, I said, oh, it sounds like our phone's being tapped. And would you describe it as like a little click? Yeah. Yeah, a little click. Oh, I feel so bad. My Aunt Patty used to swear hers was the click all the time. We're like, shut the fuck up. And it was. Everybody wants to know what's going on with Aunt Patty, man. Right. I get it. I get it. I get it. So you're hearing that, I'm hearing it and just kidding.

I said that. And then I'm reading the open up the New York Times. Yeah, a month after that. And there's a picture of Slice Stallone, me, and somebody else. I forget who it was. All phones have been tapped. And I'm like, what? It's the first time I'm seeing it.

You're finding out from an article in the Times? You haven't been contacted by anyone? And there was this investigator, Anthony Pelican. How the fuck do they know and you don't? I don't know. I don't know. But this guy, Anthony Pelicano, who went to prison for this, I think he's out now, was responsible for it. And I think he was hired by our manager's lawyer to do some investigating. So. And this is landline days? Yeah. Yeah. It was those things. Yeah, when you were to hold it up. Yeah. And he was standing behind me. No shit.

Yeah. So that was a little. But wait, did anyone ever fucking contact you after that? So if you don't see that article. You know who contacted me was Geraldo Rivera. Of course. He wanted the inside story.

Of course he did. Yeah, yeah. But no one professional outside of entertainment. Like, hey, we're an attorney who represents. Bob, your phone has been compromised. No one. No legal. No.

I don't remember nothing. What does that do to your fucking head? Well, first of all, there was nothing. The only thing I was a little embarrassed about was if what we were talking about got back to our manager. Yeah, because you're shitting on this guy. I wasn't really doing that. I was mostly just agreeing with Gary, who was.

And I'm like, yeah, I get it. I get it. Yeah, that's horrible, man. How could he do that? You know, she's, I learned how to listen a lot over the years. you know i just i'm sorry what were you saying people i don't have a deal

it's amazing but wait can i ask you yeah is he only hearing those calls or are you worried that every call you've had with your wife or whoever has been compromised oh yeah yeah and he could then blackmail you with that shit sure yeah but he got caught right you said yeah he did get caught for that he did go to prison for that and you didn't have to go to court for this or anything how the fuck does that no no they were going to go

going to subpoena me to come to court, but it didn't get that far. They just were like, we're putting them in. They got them pretty quickly for that. But I don't think people can tap cell phones, can they? Fuck, yeah. They listen to everything. They do? Everything.

Are you kidding? The they of all of it. As soon as we sit here and we're talking about sausage and you go out there, you're fucking going to open your phone up. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, that's true. Is that because you have your microphone on and your settings? That's what they say.

I mean, they are probably saying that because they're fucking listening. I see all these things about how they can watch through our TVs and all that shit, you know. Of course they can. My wife is a big believer in signs. Do you know what I mean? I am as well. Like something happens. They go, oh my God, that's a sign.

That's because she was inside some restaurants. They were talking about Neil Diamond, you know, and asking like the piano player to play a certain Neil Diamond song. Valley brings their car around. They get in, turn the radio on. It's Neil Diamond playing that. song that song yeah that's crazy isn't that crazy i'm not a big believer in science i am i think it's all coincidental well yeah i hear what you're saying or ghosts no no a little bit of those i believe in all those the aliens i believe in spirits i believe in signs you were told wrong i believe in all

like i'll see these instagrams are the UFO photographs i don't even waste my time especially with AI now? And what? I can't tell what's real anymore. You can't. I feel like an old dude saying that, but I look at shit now. I'm like, I don't even know if that's real. These Russians jumping off their buildings into the 50-foot snow drips and stuff over there. And I'm like, is that real? Then Russian officials are like, hey, stop jumping off at buildings into snowdrifts. I'm like, is that real? You know, I don't know what about the animals? Like the, the, you know, the leopard who's got a big python

rocked around. I'm trying to pull them. But I've also, I've seen a fucking sea otter push a grocery cart at SeaWorld. So I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. What's the craziest thing besides that you've ever seen? An animal world? Anywhere.

Well, can you think of one? I could go to an animal world story I've told before where I watched a guy who had a pet alligator, like a Kaman in college. We were all playing soccer on the community college team and he wanted to throw a party to, you know, just let's all get to meet each other, know each other. And he was coked out of his mind. And he picked this thing up out of the tank thinking it was funny. And he was holding it by the belly. He's kissing it and lamb out and fucking right on his motherfucking face, Kevin Hill.

And it ripped him up. It was awesome. It was fucking awesome. We were cheering for that alligator. Good thing it wasn't a chimp. There's no, yeah, there's no, I'm getting out of there. I'm not the animal guy either. If you do that and you're holding an alligator, a little one, a little one,

little one, fine. I'm not a snakes guy. I don't like my brother. I watch people at Gator World, let their kids get in line to sit on Gators' backs and shit. And I'm like, no, I don't want any of the animal stuff. That cute little monkey, I'll tell you another story. I went to, back in the day, and we had our first podcast, the crab feast. We had a couple, it was a merry couple who were fans, and they worked at the Long Beach Aquarium. And they gave us these really great backstage tour. They were like, we're going to. Backpool. Yeah, back pool. So we got to feed the penguins and we're feeding the otters and everything. But they were like, when you take this fish and you put it through that plexiglass hole for the otter, don't put your hand in.

Make sure it's through. You're back here. I was like, why? I thought, you know, they're laying on their backs and shit. And they're so cute. And he's like, look, they are cute. He said, but. So a couple years ago, there was a doctor working with him who'd been working with them for 20 some years. And she's holding one like a baby. And it just, and they said it ripped the. bottom of her jaw off and i was like what and i'm looking at this little cute thing out there relaying on his back and he's like yeah and i'm like uh he said we used to let you feed him like that we never thought that would happen and that happened to her and they were like that's those otters man those killer otters they're killer otter they're a problem they're a fun problem yeah i'm not a

fan of those water parts what's the craziest thing you've ever seen ever seen i've seen some crazy You mean in person. Yeah. Like you're like, I can't believe we just fucking saw that shit. I've never seen anybody die. I really can't recall anything that was crazy like that. Thankfully. Yeah, I got nothing on that.

But let me ask you this. And I love asking people this. First concert you ever went to. Oh, got an answer. And I got the ticket stub right out there for you, bro. I've talked about this one a lot because I do that way back. I wish I had it. Seventh grade.

Wow, really? I know. We were. Where you grow up? In Maryland. Okay. So I'm going to Meriwether Postpavilion in Columbia, Maryland. To see.

To see. I'm going with my brother and a friend of ours. We're in seventh grade. We convince our parents. His dad says, listen, the parking lot next to the amphitheater is the Columbia Mall. I'll take the boys. I'm going to sit in the parking lot at the mall. They're going to be right over there.

They can go, come out when they're done. I'll take them. All of our parents say yes. We can't believe it because it's Ozzy Osbourne, Ultimate Sin, and Metallica, Master of Puppets opening for him. Heavy metal. And we're in seventh fucking grade, and it is the greatest concert.

Wow. And back then, too, I don't know if you're Metallica fan, but Cliff Burton, the bassist was alive before that bus accidents. We see him. And we're just middle school kids. I had never even seen weed or smelled it. And here it comes down the row. And at that age, I'm like, if I touch it, you know, we're terrified.

Like, we're passing it to the adults and shit, but it's coming right down the row. Oh, man. I'll tell you what, I've been a million concerts since then. I've never seen a joint get passed down the row like that anymore. People usually keep that shit to their stuff. But it was coming down the row. We were terrified to touch it. But that was a time where people wanted to share the high, you know?

I mean, even like, before that. 80s, God, I'm 7th grade, 73s, 85, 6, somewhere in there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What was yours? Mine was, it was either James Taylor, but I think it was this one. It was a trifecta.

It was the band, yes. You ever hear you know? I love yes. Edgar Winter. Really? Edgar Winter, but the Eagles. Okay. That was that.

That was that. It was pretty good. But I love going to concerts. I grew up in Connecticut. it. So here's the bands I would see the most. I'd see them over and over again. Chicago, the Beach Boys, Eagles. Oh, and the Beatles. Did you go to the sphere for the Eagles? I think they had their little thing. Did they really? I believe they did, yeah, for a hot second. Zach Brown was just there. All right, I want to ask you this, then we'll get you out here, because this is interesting to me. I thought

this again was a joke when I read it online, but you developed claustrophobia from a mask you had to put on. Is that right? And so how old are you at that point? I was on SNL at the time. So I was probably around 36 or something like that. And what's happening? Okay. So what's happening is Jay Leno, we're going to do it in a character of Jay Leno.

So I need, I'm going to play Jay Leno. So they need to make a chin. So they do a prosthetic mask for that. But to make it, they have to put this, let's call the life mask. Okay. So they are covering your whole face just for a chin. Yeah. They cover the whole face.

cover your eyes. The only thing open are your nostrils. They cover your ears. You don't even have a straw. You have no senses at all. And the guy goes, okay, this is going to put some plastic over here. This will take 11 minutes. It's going to start getting a little warm and a little tight on you. I said, that's okay. No worries. Yeah, I'm good. So they do that. And it starts getting warm and drying. And I start getting panicky. And the last thing I remember was telling a guy, said, take it off, take it off. And then I remember waking up, he's got smelling sauce. You're okay, dude?

I said, yeah, I'm what happened? Well, I passed out. You passed out? Yeah, yeah. And the guy goes, I think I might have been able to save it. So he goes into the sink, he put it in the water, and took it out. He showed it to me, it looked like this. Ah, that's how molded you scream.

So from that, I got, I developed crossophobia. And I didn't know until like a week later, I'm stuck in the subway between stops. And I started getting that same feeling. What do you mean in the car? In the subway car, yeah. It was dark. And then it just progressed after that. It got worse and worse.

It got to the point where I thought, how am I going to have a job if I can't sit on an airplane or go through a tunnel? Oh, so it wasn't the tight, tight spaces. Now you're just thinking about any to get out. What happens if traffic stops in the middle of the tunnel under the Hudson, licking tunnel? How am I going to get up? It was horrible. I would put a blanket over myself and headphones.

and not know when we're going to be in the tunnel, you know, if I was in a car service, I wasn't driving. And, you know, I just get through it. I mean, I had to, but it was really stressful for a couple of years. Luckily, on an airplane, it didn't bother me really so much

unless we got stuck on the tarmac. And then I would take out a sketch, and I start sketching, and that kind of distracted me. But it was really, I really had to go through that whole thing. But then here's the killer thing. Jeff Daniels is hosting like the next year. Friday night, the night before the show,

he goes down to the makeup. He needs a life mask make because he's playing Jay Leno this time. So he goes in there. I'm up rehearsing and the head writer Jim Nouni comes up. He goes, do you hear what's going on with Jeff Daniels? I go, no what? He don't tell anybody. He's in the makeup chair.

They can't get the life mask off of him. It's stuck on him because apparently a disgruntled makeup artist that got fired mixed the wrong powders together, the chemicals, you know, the colors. And they couldn't get it off of them. It was stuck because he had a beard like you and it was stuck to that and his eyebrows and his eyelashes. And all of it was open was his nostrils. So they pulled it back.

They tried to pour water down here through it, you know, and they put straws in his nostrils. And all that did was make his nose bleed. So there was like red blood all over the white plaster. And now they're panicking. They can't get it off. And what's he, he can't even talk, can't he can't be like, I'll get this fucking thing off. If he threw up, he would have drowned.

Oh shit, I didn't even think. That's right, because you have no mouth. No mouth. Not even a pinhole. Nothing. They would have to take a crowbar and just smash his teeth. Anyway, so Lorne Michaels has a couple of plastic surgeon buddies, but they're at a party. He calls him to come over.

So they come over with their black bag. Who knows if they're inebriated or not? They pull his mask back. They take an exacto knife. They cut his eyebrows off. Then they cut his eyelashes off and they pull it back to here. Now it's stuck on his beard. They give him Novocaine shots and they keep pulling it down, Novacain shot.

Pull it down, Novakain shot. He comes into the studio the next morning. He's hosting. He's got no eyebrows. His face is all red and strong. I got to go back and look at this episode now, dude. His first is all red and splotchy. And he goes to me, he goes, did you hear what happened to me?

I go, no, what happened? And you know, it was my biggest fear. Yeah. So I was like the most affected by it. I was like in same, I almost went through the same thing he did because I was reliving it with him. That was my fear. Horrible. Dude, two times it's happened to me.

At one time, I'm in middle school. I'm in like seventh grade. And a friend of ours, his uncle says he's going to take a spielunking. You know what that is? Yeah. Yeah. In Harper's Ferry, West Virginia. going to go. And I had never been. I didn't know anything about how you go through these caves and then

you get into, and there's a lagoon on the, I didn't know anything. We have, we get to a pass where it's, it's as tight as your body is. And a seventh grade body. It's small. Right after the concert. Right half the guy. And the guy says, you got to pick away. You go face first or you go feet first. You can choose. But I can't tell you if it's going uphill down. I can't tell you. Well, my ass goes fucking feet first. Man, it's going uphill. So I'm going like this. Now, the problem is I'm okay. It is terrifying. It's pitch black, but I'm fine. The kid that goes in front of me goes head first. So we're face to face when he gets up there. This kid's also a weirdo and he's wearing a horse riding helmet. You know what I mean? That is his speed linking. And he freaks out. He's

having a panic attack and he's grabbing me and screaming and he's here and it's starting to make me fucking I'm like shut up I'm trying to go I'm freak the fuck out we get through and like I said beautiful it's almost like a lake in there and shit but you got to go back and I'm the whole time I'm like I got to go back through that I got to go back through that the other time I'm fine for a while the other time this is my fault though I have to go get a physical CT scan no MRI MRI Got to go get the fucking MRI. And I'm like, I've never, ever had a problem with an MRI. But they tell me this one's going to be a 30 minute one.

So I decide I'm going to smoke a little weed and I'll either fall asleep. And if I don't, I'm going to run my set in my head because then I'm going to know exactly where I'm at at 10, 50. I'm going to know when this fucking thing's done. That's my time gauge. You'd be like, okay, we're out. Yeah. So I get in and it's right. You know, it's right here.

And the lady's like, are you okay? I'm like, I'm good. And it's the old school tight when my legs are out, but everything else is in. Yeah, yeah. And she's like, if you need any help, you just hit this button over here. Squeeze that thing, yeah. Clang, clang, clang. And she leaves.

And she says, real quick, she goes, would you like a sip of water? And I said, no, I'm okay. And her saying that, put it in my head, I get caught mouth immediately. Immediately. I'm two minutes in. I'm freaking the fuck out. I'm panicking. I'm going, hello?

I'm embarrassed. You know, I'm embarrassed. because I'm still. Hello? She doesn't hear anything. I'm like, hello! And she didn't hear anything.

I'm like, somebody help me. And I heard of him. I, in my mind, they're all like, go here, go here,

go here. You need help? I'm like, give me out of here. Give me out of here. The guy with a riding hat, helmet, it's coming.

And the other side. Well, that's coming in. Where are you? I can't get by you. And then they let you out, but it's going. It's going so slow.

You're like, I know, I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do it. And she goes, you have to do this. I'm like, I can't fucking do it. Can you put me in an upright one, which I found later? No, we can't. You got to do this. She's like, just take a breath. Take 10 minutes. I said, all right. She goes, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to give you a, I'm going to give you a washcloth. Lay it over your face. You don't see it. And don't think about it.

And I was like, all right. And I was able to do that. I was able to block the view. So I didn't see that it's right. But you can feel your, it's so close. Yeah, I know, no, I know. But they're better now. How do you do? Yeah, I'll only get an open. Yeah, I used to worry about that back then, but now they're all open. They got mirrors. You could see everything. Man, anytime I call it, you got to go to a special one downtown. You're one of those.

I'm like, yeah, I'm one of those, motherfucker. I'm terrified of that. You don't even like to go through those x-ray machines at the airport. A long way to be in there. You know, you just walked through. So how did you beat it? Or have you not? You just haven't been stuck in a small...

No, I'm good now. You are. I'm back to square one. I just started, kept confronting my fears, you know? I even went to a doctor. You're going to think that's crazy in the valley. His name was Dr. Doctor Doctor. He was a phobia expert.

Dr. Doctor Doctor Doctor. And I had a workbook. How fuck do you have a name, Doctor, Doctor, was it spelled Doctor, like Doctor? Yeah, same thing. Not like a D-O-K-T-E-R or some weird shit. And then I had a dentist dentist, too. So I had this workbook.

But the thing that helped me the most was a brown paper bag when I started to get panicky. The old school lunch bag. blow into it in and out fill it up breathing and that helped me the most i had to take um emDR therapy which was amazing i my daughter almost got hit by a car and i don't know it's i always thought i was super chill but i guess anxiety just lives in you until its numbers called yeah that motherfucker reared its ugly head i couldn't fly i couldn't i scared of heights and i don't even mean way up there i mean three four stories i'm terrified when you see someone like me that's tall

There's a scary. Not anymore. I'd be scared to get on your shoulders. But now I'm through that therapy, I was able to beat that because I was like, I have to fly. You got to fly. I have to fly. What am I talking about? Like any turbulence I was all of a sudden like taking off.

I used to feel like a rock star on that plane would go. Now all of a sudden I'm like, the first 10 minutes is when they crash. I'm doing all that shit. Now I fucking sleep on my planes. Me too. I don't drug up. I just go to sleep. Well, this was awesome.

Thank you for coming on here and doing this. I have one more question before you promote. Advice you would give to 16-year-old Kevin Neelan. Take an improv acting class. Why? You never did. If you want to do stand-up or if you want to be in comedy, I think it's a good base. Did you do it?

No. I never did improv. But also, I agree, by the way. If I wanted to be in comedy, maybe don't go to college to start getting into it. Improop classes. Okay. Late Dad. How late are you getting into comedy?

When you really start going for it. 23? Yeah. That's young. Yeah, that was funny. All right. That's great. Listen,

I think the basic rules of improv outside of space work, like that yes and, that's key to so many relationships. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. So many relationships. Yes. And, man, thank you. Thank you so much. Please, right there again.

Thanks for having me. Tell them about the special, the podcast. You got the documentary and you've got the show. you with Kevin. Are you on tour right now? And I'm touring. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm touring. Tell them all. Kevinneillan.com. You can check out my tour schedule. Yeah. Art. So I'm going to be all over the place. Art,

Kevin Elandart. com. Podcasts. Podcasts. Hike with Kevin. You too. I got you. And also.

Documentary. Documentary. Come and see me in the good light. And then also my special. Yeah. Call loosen the crotch. Most of the time. Thank you very much, Kevin Eland.

My pleasure. As always, Ryan Sickler on all your social media. We'll talk to you all next week.