The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - 382: Pete Holmes on his Marriage at 18, Religion, Divorce, & Becoming a Dad | The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler #382

Episode Date: April 20, 2026

SPONSOR Hims -Ready to reach your goals? Visit hims.com/honeydew to get a personalized, affordable plan that gets you. Comedian Pete Holmes Highlights the Lowlights of his religious upbringing, getting married at 18, and the life lessons that came from it on this week’s episode of The HoneyDew. Pete opens up about growing up in a strict faith, attending Christian college, and how his first marriage ultimately fell apart. He shares how those experiences shaped his journey of figuring out who he is and what he actually wants out of life. We also get into the joy he’s found in fatherhood, the childhood memories that still stick with him, and how they inspired his new children’s book, Spells to Cast on Your Parents. Plus, check out his latest stand-up special, Silly Silly Fun Boy, now on YouTube. If you’ve ever questioned your path, your past, or how you were raised this one’s for you. 🎟️See me live. All tickets at www.ryansickler.com/tour 🎤Check out my new standup special “Live & Alive” streaming on my YouTube now! http://youtu.be/PMGWVyM2NJo?si=SrhXjgzR1pe6CyYE 👉 Subscribe for more standup and new episodes of The HoneyDew, The Wayback, and more! http://youtube.com/@rsickler ✅ Subscribe to my Patreon “The HoneyDew with Y’all”! Get The HoneyDew audio and video a day early, ad-free, for just $5/month! Want more? Upgrade to the $8/month premium tier and get everything above plus The Wayback a day early, ad-free, censor-free, and exclusive bonus content you won’t find anywhere else! http://patreon.com/RyanSickler 📧What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail] 👕Get Your Merch👕 http://www.bonfire.com/store/ryansickler/ 🎧 Listen to my Podcasts 🎧 The HoneyDew - http://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-honeydew-with-ryan-sickler/id527446250 The Wayback - http://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-wayback-with-ryan-sickler/id1721601479 Patreon - http://www.patreon.com/ryansickler 📣 Follow Me📣 ▪ Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/ryansickler/ ▪ TikTok: http://www.tiktok.com/@ryan.sickler ▪ Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/RyanSicklerOfficial 🕸️ryansickler.com/ 🍈thehoneydewpodcast.com/ 🦀Subscribe to The CrabFeast Podcast🦀 http://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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exclusive bonus content, you're not getting anywhere else like the Baltimore Junkyard series content we're doing. So go check it out, all right? That's the biz you know what we do here. We highlight low lights. I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. I am very excited to have this guest with us here.

Back on the honeydew, ladies and gentlemen, Pito! Welcome back to the honeydew, Pito. So this is for this is for being on the show. I'm not, I'm not opposed. I'm not opposed to clapping for myself. One of my favorite, not to step on your introduction, one of my favorite introductions in podcasting was Todd Glass Show. Back when he, did you ever do the pod where he did it over the auto?

He had an office over the auto museum. It was very boogie nights. No, I did do it. You know what I'm talking about? You know what I'm talking about? And you would look at it was all plush and then. Yeah, yeah. And he had a band three or four.

and little band right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we podcast for like 10 minutes. And I'm like, he goes, all right, now I'm going to introduce you. I'm like, well, were we rolling on that? He goes, yeah, yeah, but I'm going to introduce you now. I go, you wait for like 10 minutes to do the intro. He goes, mm-hmm, and you have an option.

You can go back over there of the stairs and we'll play you in. I remember this. Or I can just say your name right now. And I was like, well, if I'm going to get to be played in, I want to be played in. When else do you get to be played in? So I went over there and he played me in, bro. With a custom song, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Your own little song. Absolutely. It was like, Pete home, Pete home, Pete home, Pete Holmes is here now. Yeah, what a, what a lover of detail. Yep. Todd Glassies. Lighting, especially. Well, yeah, that's so serious. Good to see you again. Great to be here. I'm happy to see you. Always happy to see you.

Thank you. Before we get in whatever you'd like to talk about right there, plug it all, brother. Oh, really? Well, I have two things to plug. One is my special, which is on a YouTube.com. It's a website. Is it WWW? It's H-T. TPP colon backslash, two backslashes, www. www. You can throw that last backslash on there,

but you don't have to have a return. It'll do it for you. Then just type in Pete Holmes, I'm pretty sure. And it's called Silly, Silly Fun Boy. And I really hope people like it. It's my favorite hour that I've done so far. I filmed it live in Portland. I'm just really proud of it.

I've been doing comedy for 25 years. This sounds like something we should talk about. You don't meet a lot of people that have done anything for 25 years. So this is what 25 years in comedy looks like. I'm very proud of it. Second thing I want to plug real quick. It's available for pre-order. I did a kid's book.

It's called Spells to Cast on Your Parents. All right. I made it for my daughter. We loved it so much. We went out and sold it. Oh, this is just a personal project that you turned into something. I just wanted an excuse to be funny and silly with my daughter and make her laugh, but also give her agency. Remember when you're little in the world, there's just legs.

You have no power. Cigarettes are swinging in your eyes and shit. That was us, right? Yeah. So I just wanted a book that gives kids the feeling of control. And like that the sorcerer's apprentice, but you cast these spells. It's light work for the parent. I don't want anything that's tricky.

It's easy bedtime stuff. But it's spells that like make you move in slow motion or talking slow motion or talking gibberish or fall asleep or whatever it is. And you act out with them. You do it. And it makes her laugh so hard. And it's easy. Like I said, it's light work.

So you get to make your kid laugh, which is so funny. Be silly together. And it has, I think, a very positive message about how magic kids are and how much. powerful and special they are. But really it's just like a silly fun time. Here's, here's the real sincere earnest pitch here. Apparently, I've never done a kid's book before. They get lost in the shuffle. One of the things that helps is pre-order it. So if you can pre-order it, you'll get a nice surprise in a couple months, it'll show up or buy it for a friend. And where are we pre-ordering? Amazon or anywhere you. I mean, it's like wherever you get your book. Copy that. Amazon. And what's the

book called? You don't have to go to Amazon. But like pre-order it, it's called spells to cast on your Parents. Awesome. And we're going to do a sequel called Spells to Cast on your children. And then we'll do spells to cast on your grandparents. Look, it's going to be a whole thing. That's fucking. But get the first print. Yeah, it's got to start somewhere. Do it. I'm really proud of it. I did the art myself too. You did. Yeah, and I did it with tape. You wouldn't know it. Like, were you masking or all kinds of tapes. I like you. I've always liked you. I've always, from the moment I met you, you want to know. I know. I know. I know. I I probably have had maybe two introductions that have gone like that in my life for that. I got it.

Yeah, yeah, I was so obsessed with you. And I remain obsessed. Thank God. I love you so much. Thank you so much. But that's the right question. I think if you looked at it, you might think it was electrical. This is two nerds, right?

Because the book is for wizards only. So there's an inciting incident. It's like a classic movie. You're not supposed to read the book. The first page of the book is warning. This is a book of spells. It's for wizards only. If you're not a wizard, return it to the closest school of magic.

The book is guarded by a small black dragon named Jesse. If you are a wizard, you may turn the page. So it's fun. It's like cheeky of breaking the rules. And I like that. I think maybe we're similar. I like breaking little rules with my daughter. It's like a fun little dad thing to do.

And the book starts with this like, now we're reading it. Of course, Jesse shows up. And the only way you can prove to Jesse that you are a wizard is to cast spells on your grown-up. It doesn't have to be your parent. it could be a grownup. So you start doing them so he won't torture your ass.

So that's the fun of the book. How old your daughter? And what age or age would you say? What age range would you say is this best suited for? I don't, I've been too busy writing this book. I don't know, man. I love her, but once she approved the idea, I just went to a cabin in the woods. She, she, I ran a tour when she was six.

You all right? I love this. I thought you just said I ran into her when she was sick. I ran to her when she was six. Oh, my God. How much of time? I had a pack of cigarettes. I was like, oh, I guess I could come back.

There's years. I think you'd be between five and ten. Okay. I don't really know how old. Elementary school is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The fun years. Yeah, yeah.

Before they start, you know. Yeah. Yeah, I know. So those prime years. So anyway, I don't know. We'll see. But, oh, the reason I mentioned it, so Jesse is a small black dragon.

And so all the drawings are of Jesse, basically. And I was like, it literally just started from a practical purpose. I actually had cartoons in the New Yorker, brag. You've got weight loss goals, but hitting them is another story. Enter weight loss by Hems. It is designed to support you in losing the weight and keeping it off. And Hems now offers access to an affordable range of FDA-approved GLP-1 medications, including the Wagovi pill at its lowest price ever and the Wagovi pen.

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Now, let's get back to the do. And one of the things I learned from Matt Diffey, who helped me make cartoons that got sold to the New Yorker, was he was like, you want a unique style. He's like, don't just do it the way AI would do it. Like, do it in a way that only you would do it. So have it look unique, but not so unique that it's distracting. So I was like, okay, I'm going to be doing.

a lot of pages of Jesse, the Black Dragon. I don't want to use India ink. I don't want to paint it in. I don't want to use cray par or oil pastel, but I have a lot of black to fill in on these pages and he's got these yellow eyes. I was just like, it started just out of practicality. I was like, I could do paper, like the hungry caterpillar. Remember that book? I sure do. Use colorful paper. I didn't really like that. I tried cloth. I didn't really like the way that look because it's got to look good on the page and it's also got to look good when you scan it. Then I started using just regular old masking tape, like painters' tape. And I love the way talk about AI.

I think AIA is really interesting and fun, but like I wanted to do something that looked like a person made it. I wanted it to include texture and mistakes. Mistakes meaning it's not precision. It's like overlapping. If you could touch one of the drawings of Jesse, it's got a texture to it. Like it's lifting. Yeah. And duct tape versus electrical tape versus masking tape versus they're all textures.

It's literally textures. And then like the pop of the eyes that now. the yellow of his eyes is so bright, the black is so black. So we ended up using like painters tape. And then I would just sit at my kitchen table and like measuring it out and just ripping it, real crude, like not surgical, like fun, alive. I'm not saying I'm Jackson Pollock, but I'm always been drawn to art that like embraces mistakes because that's human to make these mistakes. So I was like, I was so proud. If you look in a lot of kids' books at the end, it'll say like the illustrations were made with and the things.

It was so fun to be like it was made with markers and masking tape. Is this our 3M sponsor right here? I do have to see if you'll give me a moment. 3M is the maker of a lot of fine chemicals that are used for weapons. Also, post-it notes. And the tape from my book. Also the tape from my book. I didn't go 3M.

I didn't go 3M. Scotch? Who do we go? I don't know who it was. Because I was trying to get the right shade of black. And I found it. I'm very pleased with it. I also love the idea of going back to like more just basic and simple because I'm seeing this pushback.

And I keep hearing about like most people were tired of the overproduced beautiful looking things. And they're resonating more with just. Yes. Pete's just fucking talking to me. He was hair's all over the goddamn place. He's walking around. And I started thinking about the way where we are with. sort of media and and um slickness literacy all these things ever anything entertainment wise

the slickness right but what used to happen when you looked at old footage in the 50s of from ball games where people would go out and suits yeah and their hats and the ladies and dresses and that's also how they flew on planes that's right and traveled and media or entertainment and film everything used to be lighting and angle well this person's in a position of power here so they got to be yeah yeah yeah and all these things going on and now it's people and thongs running around with 80 million views and people beating each other up at the ball games and stealing ball. Like that's where we are with entertainment now, where baseball and everything is gone. That is the wild, wild west we're in. So I think people are longing for more,

you know, of the normalness, the, you know, things you resonate with. Also, this is a nostalgia thing for an adult as well. Like, I used to fucking play with this shit. Yeah, yeah, for sure. We didn't have Canva. Well, it's, that's right. It was a monster at the end of the book. Did you ever read that one? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So I remember being about seven years old. I swear I was at like a little preschool.

Remember, like so much of our childhood is like being in a situation you don't know anybody. Like I always be dropped at some new day camp and you're like, what the fuck is this? Tell me, what's your life growing up? Your parents, why are they dropping? Are they working? Like, are you split household? No, my mom was a full-time mom. Were your parents together?

Yes. They were. My joke is unfortunately. That's, that's dramatic. It's just a joke. But yeah, I had an older brother, and my older brother wasn't really helpful. He would say that too. We're close now.

How much older? I don't know. I'm not good with numbers. I don't know. Imagine. Can you really just try to consider the horror? Also, there are plenty of humans out there. I like that.

Yeah, they don't know. But I don't know how much older my brother is. Is there a big deal? Nah, it's like two, three. Yeah, something like that. No, he's two years older, but I remember being in situations. My brother, I love him to death, but socially, I think, would also be anxious. I was less anxious than he was.

So I swear I had my brother, he's like, freeze. I'm like, fight. I'm like, I'm going to, like, fight for some attention or get in the mix or whatever. So we didn't really team up. But I remember being at one of those situations and find, I swear, it was like a magical little nook, like a door. and went in and there were kids books on like a beanbag chair. I found the monster at the end of the book. It's a Grover book.

Grover wrote it. The horror that I think Grover's real. It's one of Grover's best. He did Pride and Prejudice. He did a little bit of a touch of mindoff. It's just the early days. Early days. He was like, I didn't read this, but it seems like an okay guy.

Anyway, I found Monster at the end of the book. And spoiler alert. The monster at the end of the book is Grover. So the whole book is, don't turn the page, but it's interactive. My book is absolutely running with that. I'm not the first to go like, wait, let's make every page turn an aggression towards this dragon. The language in the book is burning your buns to a crisp. And that's on the table.

Page one, he will burn your buns to a crisp. So every page, we're getting closer and closer. to this like bad thing. Because I remember reading that book and it was like a joke. I swear, I'm not reverse engineering it. I saw the magic of narrative and story and a joke where it was like the whole time,

I was nervous. I was alone. No grownups, the kids are over there. I'm just turning the page. Every page we're getting closer to the monster. He's like, don't turn the page. Don't do it, don't it. And I'm like, really, my heart is up.

And then at the end, the relief It's like this laugh. That's what a good joke is. We thought it was a monster. We thought it was a monster. Without it was a monster. It was. And I get to it.

And it changed my life. That book changed my life. And I was like, I read it to my daughter. She loved it. I also remember reading it later and I knew the trick and it didn't work. So I started to notice like, oh, like you can't know the punchline. So you have to hold it back. Like a storyteller, like you're a great storyteller.

I was telling somebody. I mean, not to interrupt, but you're right. You get that once. You get it once. But then the beauty is introducing it to someone who has no idea. And you only get that once. That's what I got to do with my daughter. Yeah, you don't really, I mean, we do reread.

Now she gets to do that. You know what I mean? She now knows the joke. Exactly. It infects people and they pass it on. I was just telling somebody that, like, comedians, it's so funny. I love magic. I love magicians.

And I think it's funny that our people have always made fun of magicians. And I'm like, we are magicians. Or you could say magicians or comedians or you could say actors are magicians. Houdini said that. He said a magician is an actor pretending to be a magician. And a comedian is an actor pretending to be a fun, funny guy who just happened to show up at this comedy club at 8 o'clock. With this hour of fucking, what's going on? Articulated.

It's a ruse. Polished. And we all look the other way. It's also why you can't ever trust anyone who's never met you and then walks up to you after something like that and thinks you're the greatest thing on Earth. It's like, well, you just saw a 60-minute manicured magic trick. That's right. You didn't see me on my Sunday morning, you know. When people are like, comedians aren't funny in real life.

I'm like, yeah, and David Copperfield doesn't make the Statue of Liberty disappear in real life. You fucking child. Yeah. Like, wake up. Nobody's everything all the time. All the fucking time. We're just obsessed with it. It's insane.

Our mechanics always fiddling with a, eat shit, you fucking idiot. Like, I can't stand it. But comedians. The feelings, so I just did this retreat and they have a talent night at the end. It was fun and they were like, are you going to do comedy at the retreat? And I was like, I can't because I know it looks like I'm just getting up and messing around. The whole retreat, I'm like a magician looking for pigeons. I'm wrapping them up and putting them up my sleeve.

It will ruin the retreat for me because it's, that's, I'm now wearing a suit filled with living birds. That's what a comedian is. Our birds are invisible, but we're a person with birds taped to the inside of our thigh and you release it at the right moment, except when we, our bird is us saying like, jizz, that's what it is. And they go, good night, everybody. Thank God the jizzbird flew tonight. Last night, jizzbird flew late flap.

It didn't work. You don't know what it's like yelling jizz and no one laughs. Now you're just a fucking weirdo. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah. I don't know how we got there, but the book, the special. Well, let's talk about you. You had alluded to being dropped off at daycares and different places and things like that growing up.

What was your, what was your, you know, situation as a kid was mom? Most of my situation was just hanging at home with my mom. Like, that was most of it. Are you that way? No. No. You're out there rolling dice. It's so funny.

The old time, you mean, these days, I'm, no, I just learned a term called Otrovert, which is. It's brand new to me and I'm like, this is the closest description. It's someone who can be around people like we are with our job. As soon as I'm done with that, I want to go home. I think that's just an introvert. Nope. An introvert would never be go out and entertain and disagree. Well, I hear you on that.

But I mean, in public, I'll talk to people in public. I'll do all those things in normal. I like this. As long as the person who told you this wasn't selling you a book called the O-Trovert, the new personality type that science needs to know. No, this was just a new article I read. And I was like, okay. Then I sound like this too.

Also, no, it's brand newish, they're saying. And I'm like, okay, they're formulating new things about a, it's a, it is a combination of, I would call it an outrovert since we already have gone with introvert. Yeah, yeah. The Spanish, I guess, a Latin, O-Trovert. So othervert, but it sounds, it's an O-T-R-A. And it sounds like it's a hybrid of intro and outro. is what it sounds like.

I'm that. Yeah, me too. I'm that. I must be, like, I would absolutely go love to have dinner by myself all the time, but I want to be around people. I don't want to sit in isolation and have that. Yeah, yeah, I don't want to be in a basement with one bowl. No.

No. No, I want to be among. I was flying back from San Francisco recently, and I just sat in the midst, and I just, you know, stupid to say, you're people watching. And it's weird, I was dropping popcorn, but there are no birds. just a psycho there's somebody recording you too

like this fuck guy thinks birds are coming but I like being around people but I the way that I've heard introvert extrovert explain is it's not that introverts don't like people it's that they're not energized by being with people I look at being even with you I'm enjoying this really looked forward to it excited to be here

that's 100% real I would tell you if it wasn't if I was like putting this on because we're friends but I'm not really this is different if I'm in a social a party that's better now I'm

I'm pushing something up a hill it's taking energy for me to be like where you're Michigan you're from Michigan yeah um where are Michigan yeah I just would rather taste

the sweet barrel of a gun here's the thing it sucks That's a dark way. But I'm just like looking for a way out. I'm looking for a way out. I can't do it. The fact that I'm good at small talk. Yeah.

I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate it too. I have a rule. If I'm in a relationship or if you and I are going somewhere. Yeah. And you see me taking the brunt over here so that you don't have to or whatever. If I give you an eyes, come over and just tap me and rescue me out of there.

But I'll do it. I'll do you one better. I'll do it. I'll never. sad to leave anything. We're going to Disneyland for my daughter's spring break. You can't wait to get out of it. No, I like Disneyland, but we could go on pirates.

And then if my daughter was like, Daddy, I want to go, I'd be like, great, we're out. Now, that's a privileged thing because Disney's fucking crazy, expensive. But, like, it's really more just about, like, I'm okay. Like, if I was going to the HBO Emmy party and someone, if my wife was like, do you want to just stay home, I would always say. I would always be like, I don't need to do that. I don't want to do that. And that's why it's a really sweet. Middle Age is a great place.

You've sown all these seeds. And now you can cruise. You can choose not to give a fuck. A lot of people don't. A lot of people keep giving more of a fuck. But I am not Kevin Hart. People are confused by that. A lot of people stop me and go, Kev?

They go, no. I can see. Yeah. And that's just a different kind of person. That's fine. I just like, there's very, very few things. that I would be like, no, I really want to do this. Really want to do it.

Most things I'd be like, it could be my own birthday party. Be like, let's get the fuck out of here. And my wife is like that too, and it's the best. But what point do you, you say you were always with your mom spent a time? What point do you leave home? When do you move out on your own? And what does that like for you? Because you're Chicago comedy, right?

You're out of that scene. I started Chicago comedy, but I was from Boston. Boston, okay. So my mom grew up in South Boston. my father grew up in Somerville, so they're like real Boston. I'm suburb. I'm going to say racist, but yeah. They're really racist.

They're in Boston. Yeah, yeah. No. They're actually lovely people and they moved to Lexington, which you might know from the fighter. Remember the fighter where they go, why'd you take me to hoity-to-y-loidy Lexington? Yeah, yeah. So Lexington is hoity-to-de-Lexington. My dad.

Isn't Lexington also Paul Revere's ride and the British are coming one up by land to a sea? That's by Boston. That's not in Lexington. Paul Revere's ride is through downtown Boston. Oh, it's through downtown. Yeah, it's beautiful. It's marked by red bricks. It's a lot of fun.

I'm going to do that when I go back there. You actually should. I'm going to laugh Boston in a couple months. You can see where they buried Sam Adams. Okay. He's there. I mean, I don't like Boston because it reverts me. I like Boston.

Jesus. Red Sox fan dog. I like Boston, but it's hard for me to see it for what it is. If you go, I'm like, you'll love it. I go and I'm like, I just remember. being a kid. It kind of freaks me out. It has nothing to do with Boston. But anyway, Lexington is where the American Revolution started. That's it. So it's the shot heard around the world. So the battle started the first shot, started the whole revolutionary war in Lexington. But it's also,

it just is. It's like hoity-toity. It's like upper class or whatever. I don't know if it's, it's not like Bel Air. It's not like upper class like we have here. Were you private school, public school? I did go to private school, but it wasn't, you know, it wasn't, um, what are It really is now. Yeah, sure. It's, when I go to Lexington, I'm like, this is like a nice, there's just a little more space between the houses, houses are bigger, whatever it might be. So my dad worked, my dad really is like the American dream.

His father died when he was young. He took over for my grandfather. Was it a business? Yeah, home heating oil, delivering. So he's driving an oil truck. Yeah, then. Like as a child. Wow.

In the sepia-toned streets of Boston. And he's delivering. Like he had a sister, a brother, and his mom, and he became the man of the house. My dad really is like this hero figure in my life. And he fucking picked it up and he figured it out. And he met a man named Mr. Hurley. Mr. Hurley gave him some money. Like my dad is also like a gregarious, eloquent person.

I'm complimenting myself. I'm just saying he's got the gift of gab. meets Mr. Hurley, asked Mr. Hurley for, let's say it was 10 grand. I don't know what it was. So he could invest in real estate. state. The story goes, Mr. Hurley gave him the money in a brown paper bag just like here on the table. Didn't even no terms just like old school. Like we know where you are. Yeah. And you don't move fast in that big ass truck. That's right. That truck's not. And we can also blow that

mullah bugger up. That's right. Zero to 60 in about four to five minutes. Right. So he gets his bags. He buys smart. Bys his property. My dad always says the thing about real estate is it's real. I think everybody in real estate says that. But he's like, it's real. I don't like the stock market. I can't see it. He's like, I can paint this.

I can flip it. So he's like flipping things and buying things and had a real knack for it. So my dad really is an impressive person. And as you were growing up, are you moving often? And he's flipping? Are you pretty stationary? He didn't do it to us. Okay.

Meaning we just business. We just had our house. We lived in Melrose. And then we moved to Lexington. when he found... It's funny, he kind of... I think my dad would agree he bought in Lexington like maybe a little before he knew he could do it.

And I learned that from... I do that in my life. I'll be like, oh, yeah, I'll sell the hour when I have 20 minutes. You know what I mean? It's like, I'll have it when it's time. So that's a good quality, I think. I think he experienced some stress.

I know he did. But we moved to Lexington. And now this is the part where I, it's not woe is me, but my dad worked a lot. And he's the whole time, he's up, stayed to the business and all the oil and everything. He, yes. He's also, another way I feel close to my dad is I'm a podcaster. I'm a writer. I'm a producer.

I'm an artist. Artist. And I'm a standup. Say what? Artists. And kids books wrote a grown-up book too. Like, I like diversifying. I like honoring an idea.

When you have an idea, don't see. say this is a video game, go, what is it? And just take that moment to go, is it a movie, is it a TV show, is it a video game, is it a board game, is it a book, is it a comic book, is it a song, is it nothing? But like, ask it what it wants to be. Don't, sometimes a bit isn't a bit. I mentioned the New Yorker, right? I would have a joke.

It wouldn't work on stage. I love my jokes. I go, wait, this is a New Yorker cartoon. So everybody can draw. I'd like kind of develop a style. went in, sold it. And then the ones that they didn't buy at the New Yorker, we turned into a series called Doctor.

So many of my New Yorker cartoons were in doctor's offices. And one of them, I remember it was a doctor, and he's just talking to another doctor. And he goes, when in doubt, just prescribe the drug on your pen. Just a very New Yorker kind of, you know, it's like, you know, it's not supposed to be laugh out loud. But like, they didn't buy that. Then we shot a doctor sketch called Penn.

You can still watch it. I'm young. I'm like round-faced. You know what I mean? Just like a sweetie little boy and Matt McCarthy shot in my in our office in Manhattan. So it's just a blank wall and a desk we put a bed sheet on and he's sitting on it. And I walk in and I'm like, sir, you know, Matt, I think the right drug for you is. Revital.

And he's like, you just got that. And we made it a sketch. Because we were like, wait, it didn't work there, but it did work online. And this is before anyone was doing that. Not the weird flex, but it was like novel. So we picked up on YouTube and that was a really cool feeling. So anyway, my dad worked a lot and diversified a lot. So if there is something that was woe as me, there was just a lot of time with mom.

My mom, I love her to death. She was absolutely my favorite person growing up. I remember vividly being like if you could be locked in a room like this room for the rest of your life, who would have been like my mom. Like without hesitation, obsessed with my mom really close. She's also like a very real person. Like she wants to talk about the real. Like what do you really feel?

Not like polite roles, Mom. And as a kid, you never rebelled against that. Like, I don't want to tell you, Mom. Like you were open to. Okay. That comes later. And unfortunately, because I postponed it, it kind of happened when I was 28 when I got divorced.

So there was like this like delayed. Now I see like when moms and sons are really close. Not to be weird, but there's something in Freudian psychology called the know of the father. So there's obviously an edible thing going on where the son feels like your number one boy. And there's a certain extent that that's natural and okay, but it can cross a certain line. And that's when the father is supposed to say to the boy, no, that's the no of the father. This is my wife. But let's team up. Like I'm with you. I'm your guy. And I'm going to help you find your own partner, but not this one. And it's a very normal. It usually happens without

being that explicit. My parents did a great job. I'm just saying that didn't happen. There was like a little bit of an overextension into this relationship. Nobody meant to do that. It just sort of happened. And your brother wasn't the same way. My brother's, so what's happening is there's just a lot of fighting in my household. Alcohol was a factor. They didn't, they weren't getting long. Now I look back, I'm like, they were young people trying to figure it out. I look at who they, where they came from, they were doing better than the generation before them. There's also a man who, like, has since been a child, has had to take care of his mother and siblings and just land. Like, imagine right now, you know, you're like, wait, I have to do what job?

I don't even know what oil is. That's right. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't know how to drive. I mean. He's driving a double clutch. Yeah, through city streets and shit. Yeah.

Terrifying. So it stands to reason that he was left to figure it out that he would think this is just how you grow up. And I'm doing way better than I had. And I moved them to Lexington. And that's me. So it's a little bit boy named Sue. It's like figure it out. It's okay.

I did. You will. And to a certain extent, I guess that's true. But like they weren't, they weren't. It wasn't physically abusive or anything like that. It was just a little bit of booze and a little bit of screaming. So what happens is a little boy, you want to save your mom. Dad's, dad's working a lot.

We get really, really, really close. my brother's strategy was I'm getting out of here. So he went, had girlfriends experimented with partying and stuff. Nothing crazy, but, you know, like what I would consider more normal. In my book, my grown-up book, it's called Comedy Sex God. I wrote about my past. The chapter is called Indoor Cat. My mom loved cats, and she loved knowing where her kids are.

And I'm just trying to put out the fire. I just want everybody to be. right there. Okay. I'll be home. Your brothers, wherever. I see the stress that it's causing her. I see the stress that my dad is causing her because he would come home when he came home, old school like that. And she's freaking. Now my mom literally fled World War II from Lithuania when she was seven years ago. Oh, wow.

Shortly after that, her father dies in a mental institution. It's like trauma, trauma, trauma. We're talking about a family that didn't talk about these things, no processing feelings. It's a heartbreaking story of how she found out her father died. It was broken to her like, you know, what time is it? It was like nothing, nothing that we've learned about fostering feelings and protecting people. So my mom, with all respect, had a good amount of trauma. So she's anxious.

I am an empathetic person. I'm noticing all of this distress. My best thing that I could do is be heavily involved in the church. My mom loved church. And be home. turns out kind of funny twist that was great for me if i'm an addict person like i i don't drink for example and by the way i sort of like that about myself like i'm a fucking don't leave me in a room with a cake kind of guy you could also just call it passion it's a little too much like if you give me a

bottle of i'll drink the whole bottle of vodka or whatever it is but that like one of the reasons I wouldn't do Ozempic is OZemic doesn't just calm down your hunger. It comes down all of your hunger. Yeah. It's just sort of like that, that's one of the things that's the zest for life. That would be my concern. Yeah. I don't have the data on that. I'm just saying that. I zap you into a zombie is what I would worry about you. Even that's, I'm just right here every day. That's what I would be worried about to. Even though you can't trust me with a sleeve of Oreos. Yeah, look at me. Do I look like I get excited for food? Yeah, I do. I do. You look great. Come on. I'm still here. Don't steer me towards how great you're like I'll fucking make a meal of it.

But I will devour a sleeve of Orioles. And there was a lot of my life where I was like, what the fuck is wrong with me? And now I've kind of gone like, yeah, but I obsess about jokes. And like I'm locked into my kids. I'm obsessed with being a good husband, being a good friend, being a good dad. I make kids books for fuck's sake. I'm a science class baking soda volcano. know, I just have to be careful what I put in that volcano.

Because if it's booze, if that's what we're doing, if that's what's cool, all right, pint of vodka. Like, let's do it. So I don't really see it as like the naughtiest thing in the world. I just had to recognize certain things aren't great for me. So I'm glad that I didn't get exposed to that. So you did drink a little bit? No, I didn't drink until I was of age.

Okay. But I mean, you try. You didn't say, no, my dad did this. I'm never drinking. You're not. No, no, I drank. I drank once or I think it really was once in college on New Year's Eve, me and a bunch of my, so I went to this Christian college called Gordon College, had a great experience. And you're not supposed to drink.

I was going to say, it's in the code. Sure, that's forbidden. It's foreboden even. No one knows the difference. No one knows the difference. Except for the spelling. I know farther and further. I can tell you that.

An Otrevert. Otrevert. Orovert and introvert. What the fuck is... Forboden is just if you're holding a cognac. That's when you say... That's what you say. Forboden.

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You like you have to believe, like, aren't you there for that? Yeah, it would be weird if you didn't believe that. Or they worried their teachings may make you think differently after a few years. Well, don't get me certain. Christianity splits into a bunch of different. I know. We've had those conversations before, but so you have to put pen to paper on that. Yeah, sign.

I think it's pretty basic. I think it's like Jesus Christ was the son of God. He died for your sins. Basic stuff like that. So you sign that, no problem. And then you sign a code of conduct. and it's like, I think it says, no, it definitely says no sex. I was going to ask sex, yeah.

No drugs, no alcohol. And even if you're of age on campus, you can't do it. But anyway, one. Can I ask you a question? If you're 21 and you're off campus. I think so. Okay, so it's just a property thing, pretty much. Don't bring it here.

Yeah, don't bring it here. And I think you're not supposed to, I don't know if it says don't get lit, but I wouldn't be, I wouldn't put it past them. I guess so, yeah, coming back shit-faced, even though you don't. Yeah, fair enough. I also want to say, I don't know. It's been however long since we've been in college, 2001 I graduated. So it's been 25 years.

I can't vouch. Maybe it's gotten worse. I don't know. So please don't think I'm advocating or putting down the school. I just don't know. But when I was there, these were the rules. And I was in student government. I don't remember how.

It was a boondoggle. But me and some friends at my house, my brother bought us a case of beer. and we had, I don't know, five beers each over some hours. Yeah. You know, you're drunk, I guess, four or five beers and went out and did New Year's. And then like someone's roommate, I actually know who it was, narct on us because there were pictures and they, this is Christian language, they felt convicted. That just means you're a rap.

Yeah. I felt convicted. You mean like Judas was convicted to tell the Romans? Thank you. I'm sorry you're going to. So you read the New Testament and Judas was the one that you realize that Jesus was with tax collectors, which were like the mafia. Doesn't mean they worked at H&R Block.

These were tax collectors. These were being violent, murderous people who collected money or took your fucking life, bad people, obviously sex workers, all these different outcast people. he's not dropping a dime or dropping a... Nothing. He's not giving the Caesar what is... You know what I mean? He's just fucking being cool, but you saw Judas and we're like, I'm going to start an irk and God love her.

Who gives a shit? But she told her, there it is. There it is. There it is. I didn't know. I was a dude the whole time. That was a girl. Although at a Christian college, you couldn't know.

There's no. And was co-ed, too? I was assuming this was all boys. So that's why I wanted. Boys on one side, girls on the other. Something called Open Door. I mean, come on. How much temptation can you throw at the horniest people on planet Earth?

Christianity. Christianity is one of the biggest kinks. It's not even joking. I'm not even joking. I'm not even joking. It's so hot. It's so hot. Because there were people that were fucking.

It's the monster at the end of the book. Don't touch yourself. It is. It's a fucking mad of over. It's a romantic. I'm going to touch my love. Can you imagine having sex and thinking you're going to hell for it? Like, is there anything harder?

Yes. but it's hot. It was hot to disobey that rule. And knowing that, I'm doing it. It's Romeo and Juliet. Those are monogies. You can't do it. So all my girlfriends,

all my friends were girls in college. I'm just like a girl boy. And I don't know why I called it a girl boy. But you know what I mean? I would sneak in. There's a three-hour window. Sometimes we would watch a movie that was long, that hide me under blankets.

It was so fun. There was no hanky-panky. It's kind of crazy that there wasn't, but like it was still really fun. They would wrap me in bed sheets and lead me out of their room covered. So you couldn't prove that that was a boy, obviously. It was I had a huge boner. Also, what are you, six, three with a bone? Yeah, yeah.

There was a six-foot-six girl with an erection, watch out of the dorm. It looked like it was three o'clock. I saw a clock for 3 p.m. Walk out of the girls' dorm. Three Pete, bro. Three Pete. Three Pete just rolled out of her. That is hilarious.

I'm trying to. If she's a girl, why does she have to leave this building? It's weird, guys. Yeah, why are we hustled? It's obviously a boy. It's a boy. But it was so fun. There's pre-com on that sheet down there, too, I think?

All I did was pre-com. Bro, that's all you could do if you're not getting. Love a pre-com. But the pre-cums in the Minority Report porno. Remember the precogs in Minority Report? God, it's been a while since I've seen Minority Report. It's Tom. Tommy Cruz.

Cruz, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Next time you open for Sigura, you'll be like, is Cruz here? I'm going to ask them. It probably will be. I forget where we are, but. Well, we're talking about the you finally leaving home. It was an overcorrection and you're finally getting out.

You're going to college. We're not drinking. Yeah. Oh, and I was saying it was actually really good for me. Yeah. To stay away from. Oh, addict. So I didn't drink.

I drank on New Year's. We got rid up, rode up. Oh, you got called the girl following. Yeah, that's right. We were on the student government, so we were put on probation. Yeah, because of photos. And I remember my friend Cody, who was on the lacrosse team, and he was kind of like more of a bad boy. He was like, just deny it.

I was like, I took it real serious. I was like, I'm not going to lie. They caught me. I'm just going to admit it. They just put me on probation. It was the same year that I got a scholarship for leadership, which was so funny. It was just, I've always been both tastes. Yeah.

Like a leader who got like the most coveted scholarship for leadership. And also I got busted busted for one time I drank. But it was really good for me. Like I didn't smoke weed until I was 28. I didn't really start drinking heavy until I was about 28. But when I turned 21, I did drink. But it didn't really get its. Well, I didn't see the opportunity.

It took a while to go like to own it and just be like, I love fucking drinking. And just go. And then you meet comedians and you're like, oh, we can just do this. And now going nuts. Yeah, when I still get to the clubs, I always go in a few hours or early. I like to check in and say hello to everybody. I like to walk up on the stage, get a lay of the land. Also, part of that for me, too, is the first time I've ever been in your building, if it is,

I want to know where your emergency exits are, if shit pops off in here. I want to know what's going on. I come in, I shake hands. I check out who's selling merch, all that stuff. And then when I go to leave, they go, well, do you just want to sit here and drink? And I go, who fuck's coming in here and drinking at 4 o'clock? And they're like, so many people.

And I was like, oh, yeah, no. I'll see about a half hour before the show. Matt, my opener, Matt McCarthy and I go to clubs. And I'm like, we're like it was, we were never here. We don't want. And I mean, it's not like we're antisocial. We don't want anything. Do you want to?

No. Do you need to? No. Guess what? I'm still going to tip. Diet Coke and some water. I need water. I need water.

I got a box of corn flakes. And that box of corn flakes has come in so many times because the flight's delayed and you need something. That's a great one. That's a great one. Yeah. You can eat those dry if you need to too, too. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. Eat some fucking cereal, go on stage. But like when I when you first left home and you said it was yeah, it didn't really hit you until later when you got your divorce of like what the ramification. Yeah, yeah. Well, so you, I got married when I was 22 and that was an escapeboat. That was a, that was a life raft. Did you meet at that school? Yes.

You did. And I wanted to have sex, but I wasn't going to have sex out of marriage. We actually did have sex a little bit. This is such a Christian thing. We did some sex. What's some sex? I just mean we had sex for a time. Okay.

So you actually had. Yeah, we had sex. Not like oral or whatever. No, no, no, no, we were having sex. I was not like really adamant. I'm not going to be in everything but person, meaning like I'll dry hump or moist hump. It's like naked, dry humping. It's like I'm not going to fucking do that.

Wait, moist hoping is a thing. I was going to say, have never in my life. It's a moist hump. It's not full wet. It's like a bayou. It's not full penetration, but you know. Yeah, your ankle beat. There's a shimmer.

There's a shimmer. Into your dick. If your dick looks slick, something happens. You do a dry-hum, no one knows. You just have a rug burn. Dry-hams are the worst. You have a ruckers cutting your duck. Nobody wins with a dry-hump.

So I was like, I'm not doing that as soon as my first wife. And I did have oral sex, which was the first thing we did. I was like, I swear, I wrote this in my book, but it's true. I was like, we're getting married. I didn't even, like, I wasn't. And like I wasn't even like, wow, my first blow job. It wasn't like that. I was like, well, maybe in the summer.

Like I was thinking about when will we make this right? Because my whole life, not my parents, by the way. It was the church that really put, got that in me. And I took it very seriously. I am kind of a rule follower. So I'm like, they said it. That's real. I'm not going to hell.

If she does that, we're getting married. And that's the least sexy thing I've ever said. Like, that's why we're getting married. So we did and how quickly? I mean, within a year. We dated a year and a half, I think, and then we got married. That's a lot. And my joke, did you live together during that time or wow?

So you're really getting to know each of. I got married. You don't even know yourself. No. I wasn't even close to knowing myself. I was like, why didn't anyone stop me? My brother was like, he said, don't you want to sow your oats? But that was not the right angle.

If I could talk to myself, no, I wouldn't stop it. is the thing. I wouldn't have stopped it. Yeah. I would have been like, this is the best thing that could happen to you. You're going to learn so much. You're going to grow so much. It's going to break your heart. But I'm not just saying like it all worked out. I'm saying like that was the way it had to be. So marriage was what would have corrected the sin. Yeah. Not just moving in together, being engaged. It had to be the commitment of this bond and that would erase the sin. Yeah. Yeah. I think about this a lot to Pete Holmes. I think what if when we do die, it really is just a Ten Commandments.

And they're like, all right. The classic. Line up. If you've cheated on your way, you know, the lines are long over. You're like, ooh, you start seeing what everybody did. Like he covered it his neighbor's wife. This line. Look at this line.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like murderers. You're seeing a lot. You know, and it's just like. Well, it's don't kill. And we're all killing. You killed an owl with this table. This was an owl's house.

Probably. So there's a lot of killing going on. You're not wrong. Yeah, I think about it. Steve Martin has the great joke about that. was his, I don't know. He goes, imagine if you die and it just is the pearly gates. And he goes, oh, no.

In college, they told us this was all bullshit. I'm just waiting for them to be like, all right, you, you, out of the 10, you fucked up six of them here. That's not good. You know, only three is not bad, you know, that kind of thing. Well, that's your real test. Steve Martin's bid, he goes, I took the Lord's name in vain how many times? He goes, a million six. Six.

The funniest number. a million six. And he goes, Jesus. That's why he's Steve Martin. Let's get small. Comedy's not pretty. And wild and crazy guy, three of the best comedy albums of all time.

Okay. So now we're married quickly to erase the sin. And do you feel like it has at least the first? No, the craziest thing was the next morning, after we got married and had very, like, obligatory, kind of like, tired, emotionally wrecked. Even when I got remit.

married, remarried, when I got for real married to my real wife. It's weird to say. Wedding night sex is never, you're so exhausted. I always feel sorry for the couple. Like, even at their wedding, I'm watching the obligation. Whatever you're doing. Yes, the hellos and the dances and the this is and it's like event after. It's like these people don't even get to have a bite to eat. They're politicking the whole fucking time. It's exhausting. You're on the campaign trail. You should just be sitting still and everyone comes to you. I agree. That's really what it should be. I feel like they might do that like in other parts of the world. It seems like it, yeah, older parts of the world that have learned how to do things better.

That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Like, what do we do it? We're doing it wrong. Both times I got married. Why are we roller skating on our entrance right now? Like, what do you do it?

Bro. Sit down, come see us. It's real. So we got married and then the next morning, this was really profound. I woke up and I was like, oh, it's just me. Like, there wasn't a shit. shift. It was just Monday and we're in a car and we're same people. Like it was like I was young enough 22 that I really thought like the world would have a different sheen to it. Like your penis

on the moist stomping? Yeah. If there's a shimmer, you were putting it somewhere or putting it on somewhere. It was definitely touching it. It got somewhere. It's got somewhere. Rugburn, you're okay. That's you. Sheen? Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen is coming from somebody else, bro. Hot shots part, dude. Precum doesn't sheen.

We know that. That's right. We know that. I realized. I wouldn't say I thought... In that moment? I didn't feel like I had made a mistake, but I was like, oh my God, it's just us. At the wedding, everyone's there.

Everyone that you were trying to impress, everyone that you were trying to posture for. Then in the morning, it's just two idiots in a car. And we drove to Chicago. that was our honeymoon because I had improv class that started on Tuesday. Shut off. Bro. That was your honeymoon? It was Monday and we had five or six days to get to Chicago because my improv class started

on Tuesday. And I was more excited about the improv class starting than being married. And are you moving to Chicago for that? Okay, so you're moving there for this. I saw that Farley got S&L from Second City. I was like, I'm going to Chicago. I'm going to be on Second City. I'm going to get an SNL.

That's the plan. I get to Chicago, every improv class, every audition, anything I did, it was me and six guys that looked exactly like me. It was hilarious. And they all had the same idea. It was crazy. We all read the same book. We all had the same idea. We all did it at the same time.

I was like, I'm in an ocean of Pete's. So I started doing standup. I was like, oh, I see. This is like, standup has the filter of being terrifying. Improv is like, it can be a beer drinking group. Safety in numbers. Stand up to solo sport. Improv can be amazing.

I'm just saying a lot of times it can be kind of an incubator from how terrifying other things can be. So I didn't bail on that right away. I did the classes I got on some teens and stuff, but I started doing stand-up again. And like when my wife eventually left me, it was she was right. Like I loved her and she loved me. in this very sweet, juvenile, childish way. It was very cute. We never fought.

I was like, you know when you're a man, because you're one of the first men I met, that's why I called you the king. I appreciate you. And when I had an update on the king. I have the, this leads to the update on the king. I just didn't know. I thought being nice was nice.

And being nice is nice. But there's a point where your sweetness, your cutesy, whoopi, boopy, boopy, boopy, becomes toxic and like fucking manipulative and inauthentic is really the best thing I can say. You're not being real. You're playing this character. So my first wife, all respect, all love. She figured out what was going on and she hit the bricks.

And that was great for both of us. And I'm proud of her. It's that Bob Dylan song. Do you think you've stayed? I've always respected her. I'm worried that I might. Yeah. I'm worried that I'm worried myself as you say that.

So she did something really, really great. Even though it sucked at the time. Well, I'm Irish. It's like we tend to stay forever. We just go like, well, this is what it fucking is, right? So, yeah, I am very grateful that she did what she did. And then when I met you, this is the update on the king. So I met you when I was just in L.A.

It's like 2010-ish. Is that it? Wow. I think. I just moved to L.A. in 2010. And I had been divorced. And then I had a string of one in a month or two months, like, you know, 14-month-related. I think that there were two. I had two long-term kind of reboundy kind of relationships.

One of them was a rebound. One of them was more of a real relationship. But then I was in L.A. And I didn't know what I was doing. And when I met you, remember the advice you gave me? I was talking, I had a date or something. You were listening to some clowns that we won't name. And I was listening to them too.

And I was like, these guys are fucking morons. And Pete genuinely seems like he's really looking for an. answer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And my, you just weren't sure how to treat you. Should I walk a lady to her door if I don't want to sleep with her, send the wrong message. And my point was regardless of how you feel about this lady, there's no excuse not to be a gentleman. But what I, you would hold a door open for an old lady. You're not thinking about I won't if I'm not going to fuck this. You know what I mean? You even said like just because you've been hurt in the past doesn't mean you should disrespect somebody. But here's the update. The reason is I needed like, like,

I feel like a man now. Like I've lived enough. I don't mean to gender. I feel like a grown-up. And when I met you, I was just so hungry for just a little bit of maturity and a little bit of wisdom

and a little bit of practical sense. And now I look at the guy that I was when you were like, you need to do this or this and this and I'm like, wow, I can't believe. Like, not only am I past that, I'm a father. And I feel qualified.

And I'm a husband. I feel qualified. I like to talk to young comics. I feel qualified to like one day you wake up and you realize, wait, this is the king's robe. And the king and the archetype, you know, there's the lover, the magician, the hunter, all these different things. The king is the one that incorporates all of them. It is. The empath, all of it.

It's interesting. The comedian is the magician. You would think it wouldn't be. Yeah, I know. Yeah. But like, you look at Joe Rogan, right? I'm not making fun. he's like a hunter. That's an archetype.

And guess what? There's a time for precision and aggression. I don't mean violence. I just mean like decisively. Big swathes of testosterone and masculinity. And it's not a fully informed position to sit and be like, what a, you know, the people that make fun, the Jag Joe. Oh, he's the guy that said the fireball comes up in the sky and explains it to the, each shit, right?

Each of these energies has a place. The king archetype is the one that goes, it's not just the magician, the comedian's the magician. Even if we all have every kind, even if you don't. Yes. But I'm a magician. I turn your shitty night into fun. That's magic. Then there's the lover.

Then whatever it is. But one day you just wake up and now I'm like, I don't even recognize that guy anymore. Because I'm happy to say I've become my own, I don't mean ruler. I'm just like, I feel like a king. I feel balanced. I'm only talking about my own inner kingdom. I rule it slowly and gently. I have all the same things coming up.

I get triggered by something and they're all running around. Alarms are going off. I'm at the head of the table going like, it's all right. We've been here before. We've learned from our past. Slow. Other people's past. Measured.

But everything's on the table. Now when I see somebody that's like toxic, sweet with somebody, I'm like, you need, that's okay to be sweet. I'm very sweet with my wife. But there's also, I know where the edges, where I'm like, like my first marriage, she wanted to live upstate. I was a young comedian.

I'm bouncing around doing spots. That's my life. She's like, I want to live upstate. I didn't know how to say I can't do that. I just was, I'm like, I'm never going to disappoint you. Let's move upstate. Well, that fucking, it was crazy. Like, you have to say, I can't do that.

Yeah. And you need to know why. I'm not just like, I can't do that. Let me tell you about my experience. That's the even voice of the king. Maybe there is aggression. Maybe there is drive or all these different things. But you incorporate all of it.

And that's what I saw when we met. And I'm happy to say that you're no longer needed. I'm dismissed. Thank you. I'm tired. You're just nuts. Yeah. You're looking after enough man children that turns you going like, Ryan, what should I do?

You know, who's another one like you? Al Magical. Yeah. Al magical is also a king. You call Al when you're like, how do you buy a house? Or what do you do when your roof is, Al is like, don't worry about it, man. Like, what do you do? I've never fired an agent, but if I did, you call Al, you call Ryan.

These are good kids. I can definitely tell you. That's what I mean. And that's appropriate use. Like it's not always sweet to be sweet. You need to be authentic. There's healthy boundaries. And I'll also let you know I'm not the same man either.

I have grown some. I didn't have a child then either, obviously. And I've grown so much so. Yeah, man, it's great to hear. It's 16 years ago. Yeah. 16. That's a fucking, we got a, we got a teenager driving right now.

Wait a minute. This is when we realize on camera. Like, holy shit. like that Ben Affleck video. But I mean, God, Pete, that's... It was in Sherman Oaks. I remember the room. That's crazy.

I remember it too. I remember that. That's 16 years. But it's such a gift to be like, wait, I don't feel that way. No. No. I know how I feel like I've learned a lot. Yes, that's it.

Sometimes you have to make the mistakes and have the shitty feelings to learn. That's why I wouldn't stop. If you don't evolve, though, then you just become that shitty old person is like, not me, it's them. And they're never taking accountability. never going like, where do I, where do I fuck up in this situation here? You build it better the second time. Absolutely.

So it's good to have your house burned down. Maybe I shouldn't use that metaphor given all the fires we've had. I'm just saying like it's good to have something deconstructed because when you reconstruct it, you're not doing it to please your parents or some voice in your mind. You're going like, wait, really, who am I? Really, what do I care about? It's like I was saying about ideas. What is an idea really want to be?

I don't mean to be all Tony Robbins here, but I feel passionate. It's like, if you stop and ask yourself, let's take what everybody thinks out of here. Let's eviscerate that from my consciousness. What do I really want out of my life? What do I want to create? How do I want to feel? Who do I want to be with? Where do I want to be?

What do I want to? All that stuff. If you just take that time and ask those questions, you'll be in the 1%. No doubt. You know what I mean? Absolutely. And I look at the people that don't do that as victims. I don't mean I look down on them.

I mean, they were sold a bill of goods. Just keep following this track, keep following this track. And then you wake up and you're like, wait now, I'm in a trap. By the way, if you're listening to this and you're like, oh, shit, I think I'm in a trap. Great. First step of a prison break is going. I'm in a prison. Yeah, yeah.

I'm stuck. We need a good diagnosis. Yeah. But also to your point, like at this age, too, you've taken enough. viewpoints in like when we're children, all we know is our dad and our mom or religion or school. Whatever they're telling us is Bible. Yeah. That's what it is. And then you start getting out in the world and you're like, well, these people are Jewish. I haven't even heard of that yet. Wait, what about God? Oh, you don't believe what we believe. And then this and foods and, you know,

and then you gather it all up and you go, who the fuck am I with all? That's right. Well, that's the hero's journey. You have to leave the village. And I can't speak for women. I feel I'll just speak for myself. I feel I had to be tested. I had to stand up to the world. I had to have it batten down on me, get hit by some waves. And that was the gold.

That's why I wouldn't stop myself from getting married or getting my heart broke. That's why I wouldn't stop. Like whatever the adversity that I face, and I know we really do sound like old guys, but you're like, the hero's journey is like, like Luke Skywalker, right? Your parents die, so the inciting thing is,

or it's your aunt and uncle, but you know what I mean? Your caregivers die. You're kicked out of the nest. You go out, you get your hand cut off, you meet Han Solo, I'm going out of order. You kill Boba Fett. You kiss your sister. He did kiss his sister.

A couple times. Couple times. And then you come back. I don't know if he actually goes back to his home planet, but you come back the whole thing spiritually, emotionally. Whether wherever he goes, he's a Jedi master at that point. That's the point. You can go wherever you want to go at that point.

Because it wasn't about going anywhere. At the end, we'll realize we were at the journey in here. That's right. And the destination is where the journey started. And that is a very powerful lesson. The things that I've learned spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, all these things, you recognize it was always there the whole time. But the way you find that.

out is by leaving. So it's a paradox, but it's true. You can't do anything to become what you already are, but you also have to do something to realize who you are. And better it. Yeah, yeah. You can always be better. Pete Holmes. Not me. Not me. I'm the best. Touch it up. This is fantastic. Not me. I'm the best. Before. Before. I ruined it all. Not me. Keep saying. It's the worst. Keep saying a while I'm talking about. No, no. Spels to gas on your friends. I'm the best. I'm the best. I'm the best version of my stuff. No, no, keep going. Thank you for having. Please promote right there again one more time. Everything and everything and anything.

Okay. The easiest thing you can do, and I really hope you enjoy it. Go on YouTube.com. It's a website and watch Silly Silly Fund Boy, my special. Two, if you're nasty, go on a book-selling website and buy spells to cast on your parents. Please pre-order it. It'll be a nice little surprise when it shows up in a couple months.

But it means a lot to me. Those are the two things. And petehomes.com for my tour dates. Boom. Thank you, buddy. Thank you so much. Thanks. As always, Ryan Sickler and all your social media, we'll talk to y'all next week.

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