The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler - 383: Jeff Dunham | The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler #383 | Full Episode

Episode Date: April 27, 2026

SPONSORS QUO -Make this the season where no opportunity — and no customer — slips away. Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to https://www.Quo.com/HONEYDEW My HoneyDew this week is comedian Jeff Dunham! Jeff Highlights the Lowlights of getting rejected by The Tonight Show NINE times before finally getting it, and an insane story of building his own airplane, crashing it, and surviving! We also get into the controversy around death threats, performing in the Middle East, and navigating a divorce. Watch his new show Jeff Dunham: The Cars That Drove Us on Discovery Channel and catch him on tour now 🎟️See me live. All tickets at www.ryansickler.com/tour 🎤Check out my new standup special “Live & Alive” streaming on my YouTube now! http://youtu.be/PMGWVyM2NJo?si=SrhXjgzR1pe6CyYE 👉 Subscribe for more standup and new episodes of The HoneyDew, The Wayback, and more! http://youtube.com/@rsickler ✅ Subscribe to my Patreon “The HoneyDew with Y’all”! Get The HoneyDew audio and video a day early, ad-free, for just $5/month! Want more? Upgrade to the $8/month premium tier and get everything above plus The Wayback a day early, ad-free, censor-free, and exclusive bonus content you won’t find anywhere else! http://patreon.com/RyanSickler 📧What’s your story?? Submit at [e-mail] 👕Get Your Merch👕 http://www.bonfire.com/store/ryansickler/ 🎧 Listen to my Podcasts 🎧 The HoneyDew - http://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-honeydew-with-ryan-sickler/id527446250 The Wayback - http://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-wayback-with-ryan-sickler/id1721601479 Patreon - http://www.patreon.com/ryansickler 📣 Follow Me📣 ▪ Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/ryansickler/ ▪ TikTok: http://www.tiktok.com/@ryan.sickler ▪ Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/RyanSicklerOfficial 🕸️ryansickler.com/ 🍈thehoneydewpodcast.com/ 🦀Subscribe to The CrabFeast Podcast🦀 http://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-crabfeast-with-ryan-sickler-and-jay-larson/id1452403187 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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SUVW, German engineered for all. Hey guys, exciting announcement. We are doing a live way back at the Netflix is a joke festival. It's May 5th. It's 7 p.m. at the Hotel Cafe main stage. It's our first live ever way back. We're going to have a special guest. We're going to have prizes.

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You guys know what we do here. We highlight the low lights. And I always say these are the stories behind the storytellers. I am very excited to have this guest with us here today. First time on the honeydew. Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Donham, welcome to you, Jeff Donnell. Thanks, Ryan. You know, I want to get started by saying, I was looking at the decor.

And I, honestly, I've been to Home Depot more times than I can imagine. I have never found gray stain for my wood. This is like really great. This I get. But I've never seen. That's wallpaper. Is it wallpaper? Okay.

It's a wallpaper. Okay. But still, somebody went, you know, let's make some wood. It looks like they stained it. Yeah. But it goes great in here. Thank you. It's wood. It's gray wood. But now I want gray is stained. Gray to the brown, man. It's nice. It's nice. It's nice to have you here. Thanks. And you got the old bay seasoning. Why? The big sign over there, the neon sign?

That's a big neon sign. It's not lit right now. You were originally from where? I'm a Maryland guy. Okay. So that's why the old day. We obey everything. Everything. And I know that sounds like the forest gump shrimp crap, but I'm putting it in my tuna. I put it on my eggs, my fries. is anything seafood, chick, I use Old Bay, that's my salt. And it's all MSG, right? Mm-hmm.

It's all MSG, probably. It's all MSG. That's great. All right, good. So, thanks for having me. Thank you for being here. Before we get into everything we're going to talk about, right there, promote everything and anything you'd like, please.

Oh, great. Okay. So my car show came out on March 31st, and it's called Jeff Dunham's, the cars that drove us. And anybody who's watched it, it is a car show unlike any other. car show and I think it's doing pretty well right now. We did eight episodes. They show two episodes a night starting on the 31st, so I can't do math. But that's so it'll last a month. Isn't that crazy? One season is a month? That's like what a remember when we were kids it was 32, 36 episodes? It was September when we all went back to school until what was it May before the summer break.

Every week, maybe a Christmas little hiatus or a bonus or a break. Or the Super Bowl. or something. That's it. 30 weeks. You were on a show. You had a job. You knew. Well, not that, not on it. You watched it. You can watch a different episode every single week. And now it's like, we did a full season. How many episodes? Eight? What? That's not a season. And so that's when you hear about, when I started hearing about Survivor, we've had 49 seasons. We've been on for 12 years. What? Yeah, that's right. You're like, because when I hear that, Matthew, I'm like, that show's been over 40. My whole life that shows been on? Like, that's a season. season to me is a year.

Yeah. Calendar year. Exactly. Well, wait, real quick, because I'm a car guy. I want to know what you say it's different than any other show we've seen. Because, okay, I've ever seen the series, the movies that made us or the toys that made us on Netflix? Same production company. Same people.

Same stuff. So I'm not going to say it's documentary style, but it's kind of documentary style. But we use the characters. My character is that much. And it's kind of fun. But it's unabashedly. No, it's just fun. We don't pull any punches.

We tell the story the way they are. Is this in the vein of the cars that we grew up with? Like, are you documenting famous cars? Yeah, we pick seven cars that are iconic. Are you allowed to tell us which ones? Oh, sure. So the vector, you know, what the vector is? That was the first American supercar.

Okay. And we didn't have a supercar by 1990. And Jerry Weigert came up with the vector. It's a whole story. It's crazy. There's, then we do the Myers-Manks, which is the first really successful dune buggy. And the story behind that and Bruce Myers. And it's just, that is the most, if you don't cry at the end of that episode, you're not a human being.

It's just, it's a tearbreaker of that whole story and what he did to bring the doom buggy to the world. So there's that one. Then the Humvee and the Hummer, that was all Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah. He made that happen. And I got to tell you, one of the most surreal most, of my life was sitting at breakfast with Arnold Schwarzenegger. I mean, it was nuts.

And he had me sit right next to him. And one of my friends pointed this out, or the producer of the show pointed out to me. He goes, did you see when he looked at you a couple of times while he was eating? I'm like, yeah, it's that look. You know that look when he looks sideways at somebody? He's in a movie right before he kills him. Yeah, he's sitting there. He's sitting there eating.

He's looking at me like that. I'm like, oh my God, they're going to be killed by the Terminator. So that was it. And so yeah, that episode. And oh, we do the Keaton Batmobile. Yeah. Fantastic. And all the stories behind these cars and the people we interview folks.

Okay, the Trans Am, the screaming chicken on the hood. We found the guy who designed the screaming chicken. No shit. Yeah. And we interviewed him. And literally a few weeks after we interviewed him, he passed away. And dedicated the episode to him. But I mean, I mean, that's the Nike swoosh of cars.

Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. There would not be a. care of him like they didn't of the Nike guy until much later. He was a little bit of ashamed of it at first. Yeah, because he did. But it, there would not be a trans am were it not for that artwork. Yeah. So then we do one episode on, it's called That's Factory. It's a question mark at the end. It's just all the kooky crazy stuff, some stuff that they came on. Anyway, so it's a great series. I have to tell you about the Baltimore Bandit later is my buddy's dad's car.

They were the first funny car in Maryland. They went from stock into the, they had it before. And then the fiberglass lifted up. Oh. Yeah, yeah. I love that shit. Nice. So there's that. And so anyway, yeah, so it's on Discovery.

And, you know, we want everybody to watch it when the episodes air first. And I don't know where we are at this point. All right. Because I can't do the math. We obviously are not recording this the day this has dropped. So it's a little bit more in. Discovery Channel. Discovery.

Yeah. Jeff Dunham's, the cars that drove us. Boom. Yeah. And then I'm on tour. and what else? I have a new special coming out. I think we're going to tape it soon, like in June,

and it'll be on in July. And again, I don't know. So whenever I was on the Tonight Show, I did not like telling people I was going to be on the Tonight Show until it aired. Until like the day of or after? After, because I was always scared

that it wasn't going to happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you want to talk about one of the low points in my life ever? I want to talk about all of them. them. Okay. I'll tell you one of the lowest points. And so when I moved out to LA. Wait, one more. Let me just help you eye here for one sec. Social media. Where can they find you? Your website tickets to see you live. Jeff Dunham.com. That's the best place to buy tickets because as you know, scalp, scalp, scalp, scalp, scalp, if you see a ticket that's over

75 bucks, 50, 75 bucks, we ain't selling it. Somebody bought it and they're scalping you. If you want to get in it, you know, pay $1,000 for a ticket, fine. But that's somebody else getting all the money, not us. So at jeffdonum.com. And on tour and we're on all the socials and please subscribe to my YouTube channel. We have a lot of fun on that. Even our Facebook lives end up on YouTube. Okay. Great. So yeah, on Facebook, we have 12, 13, 14 million people. We're getting close to 5 million subscribers on YouTube. Wow. And that's, yeah, that's kind of fun. I can't, I can't wait until we get to that. So anyway. All right. So back to your one of your worst low light timer. Let's go. So I had been, you know, I started ventriloquism

when I was in the third grade. And people say, well, were you a comedian first? No, no, I was a ventriloquist first. Were you funny? Well, that's the funny part. Being of, becoming a ventriloquist is easy. You just learn the skill. And it's just a matter of relearning to talk and how to make the dummy work. And this is what happens. This is why there's, why ventriloquism to me has had such a bad name for so long, because people develop the skill, they learn. And then they go, I'm in show business now. No, no. There's the part of learning to entertain and learning to be fun. funny, that's the hard part. So I became a ventriloquist first. And as a ventriloquist in third grade, fourth grade, fifth grade, sixth grade, it's cute. It's like, oh, look at that.

His little boy with the dummy's making him talking. He's telling cute little jokes. What are you working with first? I had one called Willie Talk. Did you ever Willie Talk? So obviously, I'm way older than you because Willie Talk came later. Willie Talk was in the 70s, right? Right? Well, maybe, yes. Early age. I had in the 80s. For sure I had in early 80s. They were still making them into the 90s, I think. But mine was a mortimer snored, and the ventriloquist with Edgar Berg, and he was a real Hollywood star. He had the number one radio show in the 30s through the 40s, and a ventriloquist on radio made no sense whatsoever. But his characters were so well developed, the comedy was so great, the writing was so good, that the dummy, Charlie McCarthy, people thought

it was a little boy pretending to be a ventriloquist dummy on the air. Yeah, that's how good he was and it was. And so one of his characters, Charlie McCarthy, was the main one. Mortimer Snurred was his hayseed, you know, they didn't have the word redneck back then. I don't think. And that's basically what Mortimer was. And I had a little plastic Mortimer's nerd when I was a kid. So that was the first dummy.

And then it was Book Reports, Cubs Got Banquets, shows at church, and I just kept going. And so by the time I got to, um, uh, Well, when I graduated from high school in 1980, I said to myself, I'm giving myself 10 years to be on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. That's what I thought. I thought it was an attainable goal. And. But also, for anyone who's out there thinking that, it's not unreasonable to think that if you do apply yourself and you can get in there, 10 years is quite a chunk of time in your life. Right.

You know, if you only live 80, that's an eighth of your life. you would think, that's enough time that I could probably get in there. Right. But also I knew at age, you know, we graduated from high school, what, 17, 18 years old. I wasn't stupid. I knew I was not going to be on the Tonight Show at age 19. That's not going to happen. Because even then I knew that stand-up comics, and I was not a quote stand-up comic,

I was a ventriloquist, and that was a stamp of stink for me for many years. But, and I know this now, that. I think most stand-up comedians don't reach their stride until well into their 20s because you haven't lived long enough to have enough garbage have gone wrong with you that you develop this interesting sense of humor. Eddie Murphy's a huge exception. I mean, that guy was funny from day one. I'm always looking for ways to stop leaving money on the table.

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communicates faster, stays aligned, and delivers a more personal experience. Make this the season where no opportunity and no customer slips away. Try Quo for free. Plus, get 20% off your first six months when you go to Quo.com slash honeydew. That's QUO.com slash honeydew. Quo, no miss calls, no miss customers. Now, let's get back to the deal. Jeff, you know, I just saw this thing where they talk about comedians as potentially the most intelligent

and the most genius on planet Earth. And the reason they give is because you see child prodigies, right? Right. We've seen five-year-olds do Beethoven. Right. Now, have we not?

We've seen them do whatever. Right. Not one child has ever walked out onto a stand-up stage and crushed because they were funny, because they had universal life experience. You need so much more. And then to develop the skill of the timing and to work an audience and to crush, lose them a little bit, get them back. Like those things, the psychology of all of that, to strangers. These are people we have a day-to-day familiarity with. And then I started getting all excited to botching this thing. Like, yeah, man.

let's see some little fucking six-year-old come out here and crush like, nope, AI can't do it. Right. AI can make all these kick-ass songs. Not yet. Not any of these things have been done on a comedic level. And I thought that our computer up here is definitely significantly different in a way where we're not just professional clowns. We are, but there's a genius behind it. Well, you know, I've had this argument with many people.

It's like, well, you were, you, you were born with a special thing. No, I do not believe that some people are funny and some people aren't just because you're born that way. I do not believe that some people are better basketball players just because they were born that way. I think that you are given your, okay, the DNA gives you certain physical attributes that help you in whatever it is that maybe you're interested in. But that passion has to be there. Yes. And the hustle. And the hustle.

You have to put in the 10,000 hours or the 30,000 hours to be that. Patent Manning is not Peyton Manning. Yes, he is blessed with a skill set, but also took that and worked at it to take it to a Hall of Fame level. He's not the same guy if he just shows up and does nothing. You can't give a mechanic, a guy, a bunch of snap on tools and go, that is a master mechanic right there. No, you have to know what you're doing. So Peyton Manning was given all the skeletal. and the musculature to become that athlete, but he had to develop all that.

I'm sure like you growing up, I knew tons of guys that were funny, funnier. Right. They just never went into comedy with it. You know what I mean? And they never learned how to entertain. You could find the funniest class clown on the planet, but until that person gets up on stage and learns timing and learns, you know, and it's, and people, if they come in to do an editing session after I've shot a special, I don't, they would not understand.

It'd be like, okay, you need to take two frames out of that right there because that's the timing is off on there. What, what two frames? That's, he's over here frame fucking everything right now. Yeah. Yes, I am because it's stand up comedy, not a film yet. Right. I'm sorry, let's go. We're going to the worst low life ever.

So. And so I gave myself 10 years. And so cut to, I graduated from Baylor. And in 80s. I should have graduated 84. I was there longer than the allotted amount of time. But that covered, I was in a Broadway show. You're working on a master's.

Yeah, well, no, I was in a Broadway show and skipped the whole year and the whole thing. But anyway, so I graduated in 86. I was flying helicopters, real helicopters at the time. And I knew I wasn't quite yet ready to move, because I had to move to L.A. and make the big switch. Because I'd been going out to, coming out here and trying comedy clubs here and there a little bit. In 1985, I auditioned. for Jim McCauley, the guy who booked all the comedians on Carson's Tonight Show.

Okay. And he came out and saw my show. And I was still living in Waco. And I was just flying helicopters for fun and doing shows on the side. That was all I was doing, just earning money here and there. And he came because I'd been in a Broadway show for about a year and I thought my act was ready. And I went out there and did a guest spot at the Comedy Magic Club. Jim McCauley came and saw me.

Mike Lacey talked Jim to come and see me. And again, I had been doing those guest spots just. here and there going out to coming out to California to L.A. Then moving, you know, being back in Texas living there. And so Jim McCauley came and saw me. And he left. He didn't say anything to me. And I called and called and called and called.

I got to know his assistant really well. I would call once a day. And finally, after about probably a week and a half, she said, she said, you're not going to give up, are you? I go, I just want to know what Mr. McCauley thought. I really would. And this was, yeah, 1985. So it'd been 15 years. And, and I'm sorry, five years. Wait, did I get that right? Yeah, it's five years. So she said, she said, hold on a second. And he got on the phone and he says, you're not going to give up, are you? I go, Mr. McCauley,

I appreciate so much you've taken the time to come and see me. I'm just, I want to know. I mean, do I have a shot to get on the tonight show? I go, what's the problem? He goes, it's very basic. you're just not funny enough. I said, that's it? He goes, yeah, that's it. I go, okay, so you're telling me if I work on this and I get funnier that you'll see me again? He goes, of course. I said, okay, thank you.

That's all I needed. I just needed to know that I got a green light to keep pushing. He goes, absolutely. He said, thank you very much. Click. Okay. Cut to a few years go by. And finally, one of my buddies in 1988 in Waco goes, my friend Jordan Cox, he goes,

why are you still here? I go, I'm flying my helicopter. He goes, why are you here? I said, I don't know. He goes, dude, it's time for you to leave. You need to go follow your dreams. I'm like, yeah, I guess you're right. So I packed up the Nissan 1987 Nissan Pathfinder. I had $4,000 to my name, packed it up, drove all the way out here and lived with some friends. And Jim McCauley had now seen me just a couple of times. But he came back out to the Comedy Magic Club, saw me again. This was in Yeah, I just moved out there in, like, July, August of 88. So he came and saw me in November of 88, Comedy Magic Club. He goes, wow, you're ready.

I'm like, really? He goes, that was great. Fantastic. I'm Buchaknia, and he goes, it'll be close to Christmas. And, yep, you're ready. Fantastic. Good job. I said, thank you very much.

I can tell everybody. He goes, sure. So I went and got the $2,000 suit, right? That's what you did back then. You looked great for Johnny Carson. Had a nice suit. And what's your act then? It was peanut, my little purple guy, halapino on a stick.

Oh, okay. Yeah, that was my... Is Walter there yet? No Walter. Yeah, of course Walter was there. Yeah, not in that bit, not in that bit. So, got the $2,000 suit, told everybody the whole family. I was in TV guide.

So Jim says, I'm going to come out to the comedy magic. Oh, yeah, TV guide, right. Maybe that's old. We got a TV guide out there. Yeah, and people go, what's a TV guy? That's a little magazine that came in the newspaper. I knew what the hell was. Well, you know what's about TV guide?

You could open up to one sheet, see the entire day. Yeah, it's all right there. Here's my Wednesday. Yeah, exactly. So he said, I'm going to come out and see you one last time the night before just to iron out. You want to get it perfect for Johnny. So if there's a joke or two that's not right, I'm going to let you know. He said, great.

So he comes out to the Comedy Magic Club the night before. Roseanne Barr is there practicing her set as well because she's going to be on for her third time, I think. He comes out and sees me. I'm doing my bit. The audience wasn't quite as good. I walk off stage and he's gone. I said to Roseanne, I go, where's Jim? She goes, oh, he left.

I go, oh, she goes, no, don't worry. He does that sometimes. You were great. Don't worry about it. Roseanne was as nice to me as anybody on the planet. She was such a sweetheart. So I don't know who all those stories that people talk about when she was not nice.

She was as sweet as she could be. So I was like, okay. So the next morning I call Jim's office, and this is like 9 o'clock in the morning. I'm supposed to be taping at four in the afternoon that day. And he goes, he gets on the phone. He goes, Jeff, I'm really sorry to have to do this. I made a mistake. You're not ready. I go, I'm not. And he said one thing to me that is now stuck with me forever and I apply it everywhere. He goes, let me tell you this. When you're on the tonight show with Johnny Carson, it's better to be

five years late than one day early. And you're one day early. You're just not there yet. I said, okay, he goes, just keep at it. Keep honing it. Keep practicing. get it funnier and tighter, and we'll revisit this. Click. So you asked me some of the worst points of my life. At that point in my life, no, no parents had died. I didn't have any brothers and sisters, so everybody was, you know, all my relatives were still alive. Nothing really terrible had happened to me at that point.

So I look back at this and I'm kind of ashamed of how depressed I got in that moment. But I had been working. It had been eight years. And I was dealt with that guy. And then the rug gets ripped out under you. hours before. Hours beforehand, yeah. Yeah, I mean, that is devastating.

Here's the final final nail in the coffin or whatever you want to call it. They, he had to get somebody to take my place. Oh, no. So he got a girl named Merry Christmas. And the only reason she was on was because her name was Mary Christmas. Was she funny, though? No. She would, he just, Johnny just interviewed her.

Oh, I see. Dude. That's it. That was like... But you know what? Kudos to that guy. Yeah. For telling you that and being honest, because most people these days, you're just never even hearing from them again.

Well, I wouldn't let that happen. They told me today today. I wouldn't let that happen. Today, I'll be like, listen, you're, you're pestering us now. Right. But a lot of guys' comics hated McCauley because of that, because he was honest with him and would just tell him. And they were like, screw you, I'm funny. Like, well, you're not quite there yet.

So that happened. And now it's like, okay, I got to keep practicing. So I auditioned for Jim McCauley nine times. I got eight. Nope, you're not ready. Nope, you're not ready. Nope, you're not ready. And finally, in the spring of 1990, I was at the ice house.

That's 10 years, isn't it? Huh? That's 10 years, isn't it? Not yet. Oh. This was now at the Ice House in Pasadena. And if you couldn't kill at the Ice House in Pasadena, you should not be on stage. If you still can't, you should be.

Isn't it interesting how the ice house? I mean. Well, you know what one of their secrets is? They play back the audience. They mic the audience and play it back. So the laughs are way bigger than they actually are. Is that right? What was back then?

I don't know if they're doing now, but that's how they did it. No. They pumped the own laughter back into the... That's... Who's sitting there hitting the button every time? they're doing that. No, no, no, they just miced it. So they miced the audience and then played it back in the PA. I don't know how they did it without feedback, but that was what I was told. So you knew you were killing. You may have been doing pretty well, but it sounded like you were killing. I've always appreciated the Ice House because that for L.A. is as close, I feel like locally that you get to what a Midwest crowd is in the sense that they don't feel like an audience that feels like, prove it to me. They like the Miller, simple. I was like, come on the store sometimes, you know, that, that very like, well, we can see Bill Burr on a Monday night.

And they can. Yeah. They can. So there, it seems like people really come out. They spend their money. Yeah. They are there to laugh, have a good time, drink, eat, that sort of thing. You don't see a lot of that in the true L.A. clubs.

Right. But Pasadena is. And then, of course, Debraeas and things like that. But Pasadena is the closest. I think you can get here to what it feels like where you're. like, yeah, you're responsible for these people's good time. They're spending good money. They're coming to see you. Some of them are getting too fucked up to go to work. Ontario is the same way. Yeah. All anything outside there. But, but Pasadena is the closest on the

periphery of L.A. where it feels normal. Yeah. You know. Well, let me finish the story. Yeah. So Ice House, I freaking killed it. But I was like, you know what? This just felt like every other show that I've been doing. And I walked out in the parking lot. I was putting the dummies back in the back of my car and the show was still going on, you know, because I, you know, and my colleague goes out and he got it. I said, what? He goes, and he, by now he'd become like an acquaintance of friend or whatever. Yeah, you got it. I got what? He goes, you got the show. I do? He goes, yeah, I'll set you up a time. Congratulations. That was great. I'm like, oh my gosh, thank you. And that was it. It was like a dream come true. And that was April of 1990, and I had graduated from high school in May of 1980. So I got it by

one month. One month. That's right. Yeah. And to make it even better, again, better to be five years late than one day early. I got booked on a Friday night with Johnny Carson as the host, and the other two guests were Bob Hope and B.B. King. Oh, did you see the B. King poster out there? Oh, was that when he was really young and skinny. Oh, yeah. That's just a little. that was. Oh, man. What a group. Bob Hope and B.B. King and Johnny Carson.

And so I went out there, and I was talking to Adam Carolla about this. That moment of that night of standing behind that curtain, slightly muffled. You can hear the audience applauding. You can hear Johnny Carson introducing you. Doc Severson, the band playing. Standing in front of that curtain is like just a moment that you can't even describe. it's like holy shit it's like i still feel that though every time i get ready to walk on stage it's like that roller coaster is getting to the top and you can't do anything about it and you're about

to let go and god help you and that's what i felt like right then it was like this is getting ready to happen i don't know what's going to happen we'll see what they're going to happen so i went out there i look back at that tape now and i kind of cringe because at that time it was the best i could have done then but my act back then was like with peanut and it was a jose jalapino and then and then it was like a worm in a bottle, and I would drink and make the dummy talk at the same time, kind of ventriloquisty bits. But it was great.

And then, before it, when I was at rehearsal, Freddie de Cordova, who was the stage manager, the producer, producer, Freddy de Cordova, producer of the show. He said to me, don't you have another dummy too? I go, yeah, I got Walter, the old guy. He goes, did you bring him? And I went, yeah, he's in the car. He goes, put him back there behind the couch.

I said, for what? He goes, I think Johnny might call you over. And I go, Mr. DeCordova, I know how this works. You never get called over on your first time. If he likes you, he gives you the okay sign and that's it. He goes, just trust me, I think he's going to like you a lot. I'm like, okay, I'll put Walter behind the couch. So I put Walter behind the couch.

And on that tape, I'm done. The audience is applauding. I can't believe it's over with. And the stage manager waves me over to the couch. And you can see this blank look on my face like, what the hell? And I heard Letterman say it. He said, talking to Johnny Carson is like talking to the guy on a $5 bill. Like, what are you going to say to Johnny Carson? How are you? You know what I mean? So, and I went over there and I, and again, move your ass over, Ed. I really cringe now because I fumbled around a little bit. He asked me a couple

questions and it was just awkward as hell. And he asked me with my helicopter and I showed him a picture. And then he said, don't you have somebody else here? And I went, yeah, is Walter behind the count. So I pull Walter out. And Walter comes out. I go, you know, know where we are? And he goes, yeah, I know we are. I don't give a damn either. He goes, Johnny Carson. He goes, well, la-di-da. And he looks over at Ed McMahon, and that's when Ed McMahon was doing the public publicist's clearinghouse thing, you know, with the mailers, and he do his commercials. I forgot the million-dollar sweeps thing. Yeah, and he looks over at Ed, and he goes, don't you have some envelopes to lick? Like, like, oh my God. That's great.

Yeah. And that's when B.B. King laughed really hard. And that's the snapshot of the moment. when Johnny's laughing, BB's laughing, Ed's laughing, and to be sitting on the couch of Walter, and that's one of those moments in life that, yikes, thank God I got canceled two years before. Yeah. Well, you keep mentioning these helicopters. You're flying a helicopter. So were you a pilot for a company, or is this just something you got your license and you're doing? What do you?

So in early 19, the early 80s, radio controlled helicopters were a big deal. Now we have the drones. Anybody can fly them. They're easy as hell. The helicopters were not easy. They were very difficult. And I got into it in the early 80s and flying the radio control helicopters. And then one time I saw a little ad in a magazine that said, build your own helicopter, fly it, two-seater, blah, blah, blah.

I'm like, what? You could build your own helicopter and fly? So there's a experimental aircrafts are, RR. It's just laughing that anyone out there can read this and be like, I can fucking build a helicopter. Yeah, that's right. But the EAA, the Experimental Aircraft Association is a big deal. That Oshkosh every year, they have a huge fly-in every year. And so, yeah, experimental aircraft, if people knew that you could just build your own airplane, your own helicopter, go fly it.

Yeah, Yahoo's would be everywhere. Well, that's what you can do. It's got to be inspected, you know, by the FAA. So you build a full-size helicopter? At age 24 in 1986, I built, I was their youngest builder pilot. pilot ever. And how big are we taught a full-size helicopter? Yeah, it seats two people. Yeah. And you're doing it by yourself? In a barn in Waco, Texas. And it's like an adult Legos for lack of a better term. Is that what we're snapping it together? At that point, I had never worked on a car. So basically,

it's a flying car. And you're going to fly this thing. Yeah. Basically, it's a flying car. It's got a, four-cylinder reciprocating engine with carburetors, dual carburetors. What's it cost back then to buy one of these? 10, 20,000 less? Oh, no, no, it was more than that. It was like 35,000, I think, if I remember correctly. And you get one. Yeah, and I'd saved up my money, because I've been on that Broadway show for a year.

Okay. I'd saved up my money. Maybe it was more like 70,000. I got to look back. I still have the contract because on the contract, you know, a next of kin had to sign it. Because you're, this is dangerous stuff. You know, you could be killed. It says in the contract.

It could be killed. Of course you could. And so I faked my father's signature. And every brother's sisters. And, yeah, I fake my father's signature. And I didn't tell my parents about it. I was dating a girl at the time. I dumped her.

This hell, I almost failed my senior year of college. I just, I was in that barn, literally sometimes 18 hours a day, building that helicopter. And I spent probably 2,000 hours building it, I think. And, yeah. How long, how much time, though, we talk? How much is 2,000 hours? But for you, is that a year? Oh, no, that was like, it was like eight months.

It was unheard of. You're just, that's what you're doing. That's all I'm doing. Got it. And again, I almost failed college. I see your year. I'm always looking for ways to stop leaving money on the table. And a big one is miscall because a miss call is money out the door. Quo helps you and your team share one business number, reply faster and stay on top of every customer conversation so you never miss an opportunity to connect. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo spelled QUO,

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Plus, get 20% off your first six months when you go to Quo.com slash honeydew. That's QUO.com slash honeydew. Quo, no miss calls, no miss customers. Now, let's get back to the do. I have so many questions. First of all, you had to have a big ass barn. Where are you growing up to have a barn the size

that can fit this helicopter? One of the guy, and I was living in an apartment. One of my friends that flew radio control helicopters whose father's name was Walter that Walter was named after. Is that right? Yeah. Hell yeah.

Yeah. So his barn, he had a hay barn. It was just a four post barn with a roof. That was it. Okay. So he said, come on out,

build it there. I'm like, okay. And it was, you know, like five miles from my dorm or from my apartment at Baylor. And,

yeah, I had fun. But I didn't know how to weld. I didn't know how to do anything. Yeah. Yeah. And then there was another Walter that was friends with that Walter.

That was a welder. He was an old guy. He was a Korean War veteran. He taught me out of weld. And so, and I remember some of the major parts he had to weld on the helicopter kit. I remember calling it Stretch was the head lead mechanic at Rotorway. It was the name of the company. And I would call Stretch and I go, stretch, I don't, I don't know if my welds are good enough. And he goes, well, there's one way that you can test your welds. I'm like, okay, he goes, whatever you just welded, put it in your vice, clamp it down really tight. I'm like, okay,

It goes, take your biggest hammer and hit it as hard as you can. If the weld holds, you're good. That's it. That's the test. That's it. That's the FAA test for testing if your welding is good enough. I wouldn't get this thing three feet up in the air. I don't know.

But then you have to learn to fly it. So then they add to school, too, and there's three phases. First, they have to learn. You don't already know how to fly? A real helicopter? No. I learned a- I thought the whole time you're going and get the license

and learn. No, no. So when you're, and you don't go for any lessons until you're like 90% done with the helicopter, with the kit. Because by the time you finish it, you'll have forgotten everything you learned. And so I went out there at Phoenix, Arizona, took the school, it's a whole week. I look back on this and this was like the greatest time of my life. But it was such a, you don't realize when you're that age, when you're not married,

you don't have a family. You don't realize the freedom and how great it is. Because you could do anything you want at any time. Oh, you're staying out of trouble. drug, all of it. You're just in that fucking barn. Yeah. And so I went out there and I learned to hover and, and, um, and then you also learned how to rig the helicopters to get it flying because, you know, these are flying Swiss watches. You got to get everything just right. And so you learn to rig your ship, how to hang the blades, how to balance everything out. And then you start

scoot, literally scooting it around on the ground until you learn the balance. You're scooting the helicopter around. And scooting it around until you finally get it. You pick it up an inch or two. good, set it back down. You are teaching yourself to hover. Is someone in it with you? Well, that's out in Phoenix. They teach you to hover. But when you're getting your own, now you're still, you're a few months after your first lessons. Now you're back at home. I go,

I kind of remember this and see if I can do this without dumping it over. And rollovers happen all the time, but they roll the helicopter over, you've seen those crashes. So I'm sitting there, scooting it around on the ground, scooting it around on the ground. And finally, I get it up in the air and you're like no more than three feet in the air. I'm hovering it, hovering it, doing all the maneuvers. And I call it stretching. I go, I got it.

And it had only been like a couple weeks I've been flying. He goes, you got what? I got all the maneuvers that you told me to learn to do before I come back for phase two. He goes, you don't have that done yet. I go, I do too. He goes, send me a videotape. So I send him a videotape of me hovering. He goes, nobody's done it that fast.

I go, it's because of the models. I knew how to do it. I already knew. I had the feel for it. So then I went back for phase two and that's forward flight and, you know, how to turn off the engine and still land it and all that stuff. That's called an auto rotation. It's where he turned the engine off in a helicopter.

You got one chance to land it. And you do. So, cut two, now I had only like 30 hours of flying time. I'm not experienced, but I'm really good. I thought. And so... It's like comedy and everything at first. You think you're ready. Right. You think you're ready. Now, before you say anything else, how high are these things? Like, is there a limit? No, no. I mean, it depends on the airspace. It's like any aircraft. And do you have to let the FFA...

Oh, yeah. You're talking to towers. Oh, yeah. You're talking a tower. It depends on the airspace you're in. But I wasn't in Texas in the middle of nowhere. It didn't matter. airspace out that. So you're not calling anyone? No, I was close to the Waco Airport. And the airport I was at was called uncontrolled, meaning there's no tower. You're just looking at other, making sure you don't hit anybody, staying in the flight pattern, all that stuff. So, so I, I'm over cornfields, all that stuff. But the first time you actually go to altitude, you have to take it up to 2,000 feet, chop the engine, chop the engine, and do what's called an auto rotation and get it down to at least three feet controlled and then bring the power back in and you're good. You don't have to actually

set it on the ground. That's a full on auto rotation, but that's when all the damage happens because you hit too hard. But if you can get down to three feet and zero forward speed, you'll walk away no matter how you set it down. So I've been practicing these auto rotations. I was awesome. And there's something called a 360 auto. That's where you drop the engine, turn it over sideways and turn. And you're literally more than your... Is that that fancy turn we see?

Yeah. And you're like... Magnum PI and shit. You look at your right window and you're looking at the ground. ground. Right. And I would corkscrew it down all the way down and do that. So I'm out there practicing these with my buddy who had the barn. And he's like, we're having a great time. And it's over cornfields. And I got my orientation mixed up. I didn't know which way the wind was coming from. And again, this is this experience thing. I thought I was great. Well, I had it. I got, I was 180 degrees off. And for anybody who knows anything about flying, you have to fly into the wind because that's just how aeronautics work. The wind has to be going

over. Yeah, you're using the wind as the aircraft thinks it's forward speed and that's what helps an airplane fly. It helps a helicopter fly. I had 180 degrees off. So by the time I got to the end of the auto rotation when I was supposed to flare and stop and bring back the power, nope. I was still going 15, 20 miles an hour.

I had no lift, nothing left in the blades, nothing. And I hit and hit and rolled it over. Oh, fuck, you crashed hard. Oh, crashed real hard. How high up were you from the, the, the It doesn't matter. I'm going, I'm going 20 miles an hour with zero lift left in the blades.

So how do you hit like nose down? No, the tail's down. So the tail hit first. And then it slammed it, you know, the landing gear flat. And then it turns sideways. And then we roll over. Yeah. And are you in danger being diced to death by that blade?

No, because the good part was this helicopter, they had a really good roll cage on it. It was like a NASCAR, you know, you're inside that cage. If you're in the cage, you're okay. And so Keith, my friend, he pulled his legs up like a little baby. Oh, he's in it with you? Oh, yeah. And that was it. He's down there watching where I would have been.

And again, I'm breaking the law because I didn't, I wasn't a licensed pilot. I shouldn't have a passenger. No, dude. He's in it with you. Yeah. So he pulls his legs up like a baby, which saved him from, because most people like spread their arms out like, ah. And he got in the futile position and just, you know, we're in the harnesses.

So we're fine. And, but the one thing I did is I mounted the fire. extinguisher up next to my head to get it out of the way, which was not in the plans. They didn't have your word. And I hit my head on that fire extinguisher, got a little minor concussion. But we were hanging upside down by the time it's done. And I, and I, oh, and I hit my Rayman sunglasses on that fire extinguisher, bent them all to hell.

And so we were out in the middle of nowhere, had to hike back five miles. You know, I had to get a tetan shot later because I got cut on a barbed wire fence. and my pride, everything's just destroyed, just absolutely destroyed. And so we got back, Keith wasn't mad at all. He was both just happy to be alive. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so we went and got his truck, trailer, hauled it back,

went to a place, and I didn't drink back then, but yeah, we had a couple drinks after that. And so then, but here's the part, and this is what I try and part on my kids. When you get thrown off that horse, you have to get back on. You have to. So I called,

stretch and ordered all the parts and started rebuilding. No, you built another one? I rebuilt that one. Oh, that one? It was it, you were able to? There was some, yeah, there was some, yeah, there was the engine and all that stuff is still okay. So, uh, I, I, I saved all the parts that were still usable and rebuilt it. And, uh, when we left that crash site, I'd pick my ray bands out of the dirt and they were bent and dirty. I put them back in the case. I said, I know what I'm going to do here. So three months later, I had it fully rebuilt, flying again, three months. That's it, man. That's all I did. Had it rebuilt, had it flying again. The very first time I took it to altitude, I went up to the exact same place. And Keith said this. You should auto-rotate down to that exact spot because the odds of the same helicopter crashing in the same spot are nil. So I shut the engine down and auto-rotated and landed on that very spot where we crashed. I got my sunglasses out of their case. straightened them out, dusted them off, put them on my face, and flew off into the sunset. Yeah.

So, yeah. Can you fly today? Oh, yeah. You can. I didn't let my medical lapse until a few years ago, because now we have twin boys, and I got three grown daughters. I don't even consider that you have that medical and everything. Yeah, I just, I just, you know, I used, one time I flew back to my hangar in Waco, and there was an old guy who was probably in his early 90s. He had an experimental airplane himself.

And I came, and there was, there was, there were tornado warnings and all this stuff. And I came flying in, sky was green. And I came flying in and landed. The winds were heavy. And he walks over after the rotor stopped. And he goes, you know, every pilot is given a certain amount of luck. You just used up a good portion of yours. I thought, yeah, there's a lot of wisdom in that statement.

So I did some crazy stuff. And, oh my gosh, some of the places I landed and, Keith and I one time there was his girl I wanted the date and we took like we took four roses single roses all wrapped up and we circled around she was she was out by the pool at a country club and we made parachutes we made we made parachutes yeah so the first three were all because Keith was the bomber and I'm the pilot and we had to estimate the winds and we'd throw it and the parachute would come out and the rose would float down it would nowhere close and finally on the last one he goes I think I got it and I say okay do the

run and we do the run at like 100 feet right it's so low yeah solo it's so low and so against the law and this is a waco tex nobody cares so finally it's right there finally on the last one this is no joke this is no fish no fish story here not not embellishing as most comedians do on every story this is not he threw that last one it floated down and literally landed in the chair right next to where she was that's all i know didn't work nope that's the most romantic Yeah, absolutely not. Wouldn't talk to me. She's like, no, that's embarrassing.

Do you know everyone here embarrassed? It's so good. Yep. So, it was terrible. Now, wait, you also just said kids, grandkids, you got all of it going. Yeah, I have three grown daughters out in the world doing great things right now. One of my youngest daughter, my oldest daughter is, I don't even know how to explain this. Okay.

What's the thing called? we call somebody and somebody's list. You know the service. Kelly's list. Angie's list. Okay. Sorry. Angie Kelly. You know, some chick. Kelly might have a whole different list. Right. I don't know. I don't know what we're promoting right now. My oldest daughter is somehow the liaison between the people who do the work and the people. Oh, okay. So yeah, but she heads up all the people that do that. So she's doing great. Has three kids. So I have three grandsons. All out here with you? No, they're up in Montana. Okay.

And son-in-law, he's great. And then my middle daughter is in town here. She's working on, she works for a production company. So she's on the other side of the camera. She's doing great. And then my youngest daughter, who was the most interesting of the three, because she was just this great little kid that did not watch the Disney Channel. She wanted to watch the Cartoon Network only.

And her favorite movie was always, starting at age three, was Nightmare Before Christmas. Okay. She's a little twisted. But she also keeps, she says, Dad, stop telling them. that. I also had a Barbie doll. I'm like, I know. And she liked, I don't know, she watched normal stuff, Disney stuff too. But she's the one that grew up, went to college, became a psychologist, and she is now basically the Clarice of clinical psychology. She interviews the worst horrible people on the planet. Oh, you're not kidding when you say that. She's interviewing the Hannibal Lecter's

out there. Yeah, absolutely. And she told you anything? A few things. I know they're not allowed to tell. A few things. And, you know, it's. Any terrifying things? And some things rattle her a lot. I bet. I said, there's no shame in changing. You've done this. You prove it. You're a doctor.

You're great. If you ever want to change boats midstream, she goes, dad, I love what I do. I'm like, okay, I'm just saying, you call me every once in a while. I know, but that's just part of it. So here's my favorite story with that, though. So you know the doctors that all work at this facility? They're not supposed to talk about each other's patients, right? But of course they do.

How could you not? Go to the bar. You know, it's a little bit of therapy form, I guess. She goes, she said one of her friends goes, hey, you know that guy, my patient, the guy that like killed his mom and was trying to kill the rest of his family and his grandmother killed his grandmother and then was trying to kill the rest of his family

and my daughter goes yeah turns out he's a big fan of your dad I'm like oh no that's one of those my favorite ones right He loves peanut he loves peanut He loves peanut And that's I'm not making you feel I know

I just like I laughed I thought it was great And then for all the wrong reasons. And then the other one, though, that's kind of like that, is when Akh Med the Dead Terrorists came out. Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa, whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette

with a flamethrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk. Habaniero, more like Habinier, yes. Save the everyday with Amazon. So this was, yeah, yeah, augmented dead terrorists came out. This was, so I'll try and do this story real quick. So a year after 9-11, nothing funny about 9-11 never will be, right? We didn't know where Osama bin Laden was, didn't know if he was dead or alive, didn't know if he was hiding, didn't know anything. And I had to look to, at that time, Letterman and Leno, and what were they, saying about all this. Well, they were making fun of Osama bin Laden and the idiots who did all that, right? So I thought, okay, I can do that. So I thought, wait, I know where Osama bin Laden is. He's half dead and he's been hiding out with my characters in the suitcase. So I went to the

store as a store called Oz here in L.A. And they had, you know, cheapy decorations and all kinds of costumes and that. And I was walking through Oz one time and I saw this bumbling-looking-looking plastic skeleton that looked like something out of South Park. Had a big head and a tiny body. And it was all crap blown plastic. And I thought, I could turn that into the dead osama. So I took it home and I, you know, messed it up a little bit, put a beard on him and a thing on his head and, and, uh, put glass eyes instead of the plastic ones and went, okay, this looks like a dead osama. So I thought, if I'm going to do this, I have to do this right. I'm not going to chicken out and write some cheap jokes and try it out in Seattle. You know what I mean? I need to pretend that there are

members of the audience that lost family members in the attacks. What material would work for them and make them laugh and help them move forward? So I wrote those jokes and I thought, again, I'm not going to go somewhere way out in the West Coast far away from where it happened. So I got booked at a comedy club called Bananas, which was three miles from ground zero. And at that time... What year? It was a year after 9-11, so 2002. And at that time, I was pretty big in the comedy clubs.

I could sell out a comedy club. It was a Friday night, and both shows were sold out. And so my audience knew me. It wasn't like, I would hate to be a comic now where you're just a nobody and you go in a club right now and you try and entertain. What can you talk about? If they're not on your side when you immediately walk on stage, man, it's got to be tough right now. Got to be tough. They're judging you from second one, right?

But back then, it was like, so they knew who I was. They bought the tickets because it was me, not just because it was a comedy club. So it was my audience. but it's still New Jersey, New York, right? And I'm from California, originally from Texas. So it was two strikes against me. So I go out there, I do my regular 45 minutes. Great. Peanut, Walter, Jose Halapeno, everything's great.

And then I say, they think it's the end of the show. And I go, oh, by the way, one more thing. I said, there's one sentence we've all been waiting to hear, and that is Osama bin Laden is dead. And a huge round of applause, right? Well, I got a surprise for you. He's here tonight. ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome Osama bin Laden. And it was like God took a vacuum and sucked all the air out of that room.

I mean, you could hear a pin drop. It was like, and I could hear him thinking, what has this asshole from California brought to us right now? Bitch, right? So I pulled this bumbling skeleton out of the suitcase. I started into it. The jokes, I got to pat myself on the back, were perfect for that audience and that time.

And then that's where I came up with the Akele U. thing. Right then, it was an ad lib, and it could not have gone any better. And I kept doing it and kept doing it and kept doing it. And I started getting, you know, compliment after compliment of grab. But it went on, I used him for about two years, and then Osama bin Laden fell out of, out of, out of the news. We just stopped talking about him, right? Two, three years. So I stopped doing it. But then come 2007, I'm getting ready for my second Comedy Central special. My first comedy special special I kept it kind of I wanted everybody to enjoy it so I made it really clean and all and that but then it was like no on this second one I want to put some edge to it I need another

character that's something a little a little edgier and I thought you know the dead osama was good but I always want to make my specials evergreen so you can turn it on in 10 years and still be entertained and not go oh he obviously taped it at this date so I thought instead of an instead of offending one dangerous guy I'm going to offend an entire group of dangerous people so I came up with Ahmed the Dead Terrorist and I created this character from scratch and built him and then created a routine that was more evergreen with him. And then that took off like wild fire. And that's when YouTube was coming up. That's when DVDs were huge. It was a perfect storm. So DVDs, YouTube, the taste of the country, it was the perfect storm and things just went through the roof. And then

we did a at the improv in Chicago we did a song called Jingle Bombs which was Ahmed's song and we put that on the internet and out of context Ahmed if you don't know who he is looks very offensive it looks like I'm making fun of Muslims but in the act I would I made it a point of Ahmed saying I'm not Muslim I'm made in China

and look at my ass and you're a sticker this is made in China right so I would make a point I do I never ever want to make fun of anybody's religion ever, ever, ever, ever. That just not, to me, that's a no-go place because that's a personal thing and it's, you know. So, but you take Ahmed in the state that he looks and you have him seeing jingle bombs, it's offensive to some people. And so that's when I started getting death threats. You did.

I had to bring the FBI in. Come on, bro. It kept deep like that. Yeah, and we had extra security because nobody really knew it yet. And so this is my manager tells me, you know Robert, he tells me he was talking to the FBI guy, and the FBI guy goes, okay, let me get this straight. You have a client who has a terrorist puppet who's dead, and he makes fun of what they do. And you want me to do what? Protected him.

He's getting death, right? Can you have security in his shows? Do you have to do that? security, but no, but the rest of the story makes it a lot better. So now Akhmet is out there. The special comes out. The clips start going viral around the world. YouTube is huge, huge, huge. And people start to understand this is just a joke. It's just a stupid joke. He's not making fun of anybody's religion. He's just a goofy failed terrorist that wanted to kill everybody, but he sucked at it and he blew himself up. That was it. And I started getting word back that guys from Iraq and Iran were

sitting around at lunch going, I kill you. You know? Yeah. Oh yeah, absolutely. And then in 2014, I did a world tour all around the world. And like literally 11 countries.

We did 40 cities all around. And one of them, so Roberts telling me, go, here all the countries are going to go to, including Abu Dhabi. I went, the what? He goes, Abu Dhabi. I go, Abu Dhabi, that's where like, he goes, yeah, we're the Muslims. I got, you realize that's,

And he goes, they love you there. I go, they love me because they want to kill me. Are you crazy? Yeah, they can't wait to have me over. I am not going to do that show. He goes, no, you've already sold out. You've already sold like 4,000 tickets. I'm like, uh-uh.

No, that's not going to happen. He goes, oh, it's going to be great. Just trust me. I'm like, are you going there with me? You're like, oh, hell no. Yeah. All right, I'm telling you all these stories. So we do the store and we do all the shows everywhere around, and we're getting ready to do

Abu Dhabi, and I'm terrified. I really am because I'm like, I don't, this is not. a, this is not an audience. I'm used to. And we go there and it literally the front row, I curtain peeked, the front row was all the guys in the white dish dash, the women all in black, a few rows behind them. Is that right? I'm like, oh my God, what is happening here? And I'm scared to death. So I'm backstage with Audrey, my wife. And I said, okay, when we're taping, this is for, you know, my spasial. And I said, okay, I need the hair stuff. Because, you know, the light, this shaky stuff, what's it called?

You shake on your head. It's like, what's it called? I can't remember, but I see it. Every time I go do something, they have it in your dressing room if you want it. The hair powder. The hair powder. Yeah, so it looks like you don't have bald spots.

If you have a little light spot, because the lights will show the light spots. So I have light spots in the back of my head. I want to look bald. So in the front a little bit too. And I always have the hair stuff. And I do it myself because I do it better than any makeup artist. And I go, where's the hair stuff?

She goes, you have it. I go, I know, but I forgot it. always carry something. She goes, I forgot it too. I'm like, what? And now I'm already like nervous about this audience. I'm like, I can't go out there with suddenly, you know, one city I look like I have hair and the next city I have ball spots. I go, I go, well, what are you going to do? I go, I don't know what I'm going to do. We're out in the middle of nowhere at this venue where there's no stores. We can't go anywhere. We can't go back to the hotel. It's 30 miles back. I'm like, oh, I got what we're going to do. She goes, wait, I have this stuff from Starbucks. It's called

it's micro powder micro powder what do they call them I can't remember what they're called but it's micro powder little powders little pouches that you open up and you pour it in it's literally coffee but it's not freeze dried

it's a tiny little pouch but it's micro it's like powder and it's actual coffee not not freeze dried actual coffee grounds that you put in a hot coffee and it's great cocoa basically hot coke but it's like But it's like, I go, she goes, it's brown.

I go, same color is my, yeah, that might work. So she had some of these things. She pulls them out and I start sprinkling it on my head. I'm like, this is great. This is perfect. It's the perfect color. All right. So now I'm getting ready to go on.

I'm getting ready to go on. And, uh, um, I also have no idea if you're about to be assassinated and it's stabbed to death. That's right. Thank you for sending this up even better. Robert comes to me and I go, is showtime. He goes, oh, we got to hold the show like 15 minutes. I go, for what?

He goes, well, the. the bomb sniffing dogs haven't finished. I'm like, the bomb sniffing dog. Oh, yeah. So he said to me, I'm like, oh, so I go out there and I'm nervous as hell, but I start the show and they're like, could not have been a better audience. And I saved Ahmed to the end because I thought if I'm going to be killed, at least let's do the first part of the show. Yeah, for sure. Right? So I pull out Ahmed, and I mean, the roof comes off the place. They were like, ah! And so, but I'm still, I'm still nervous. And so Stu is one of our producers.

And Stu's this kind of great guy, kind of neurotic, kind of crazy. Don't get near him if he's stressed out, right? So one of my other, a friend of mine was with us, named Jeff Rothman, helps me with jokes. He's a writer. And he and Audrey, Stu and Jeff and Audrey are standing watching the monitor. And Stu looks at the monitor, he goes, is Jeff bleeding? Oh, no.

No, dude. I was going to make a joke about you sweating and everything. Jeff Rothpan goes, look, he's so deadpan. He's like, he's like Eeyore. He goes, no, it's coffee. And Stu goes, what? It's too goes, what? And Jeff goes, it's coffee.

And Audrey goes, yeah, it's coffee. He's like, coffee, what? Are we going to have to stop the show? He's bleeding. He goes, no, it's coffee. He hands a towel to Audrey. And he goes, at some point, you need to go out there right now and stop the show because we can't use this.

And look, he's bleeding. So at some point in the middle of the act, Audrey comes out and I go, ha, you know, somebody walks up behind stage. It's like, you're like, whoa, what the hell? Yeah. Oh, yeah, exactly. She goes, she leads, I mean, says my ear, I go, she goes, the coffee's dripping down your head. Like, what? And so, you know, she wipes it off and we go on from there.

So that was that. I want to go watch it now. See that. Yeah, well, we did obviously edit it out, but. No, but your hair's in there. That's right. Your hair's in there. Okay, now, and then the final part of this story, this is where I know comedy, this is where

one of the proofs to me that we live in a really beautiful world. Believe it or not, with all the press, if it bleeds, it leads, it's all terrible news. You get stuck in an elevator with 12 people, 11 of those people are going to be kind souls that want to help each other get out of that damn elevator, and it's the one asshole that ruins it for everybody else. And that's what I think about this world. I think we live in a world of really great, wonderful people. We all all want the same things no matter what. We want good health. We want food on the table for our family. We want a place to sleep and that's it. We're all the same. No matter what your culture is, except for the handful of crazy morons that want to kill everybody and blah, blah, blah, blah,

because I did that show in Abu Dhabi, those beautiful, wonderful people, loved the show, laughed at all those jokes. Two nights later, I'm in Tel Aviv, Israel, doing the exact same show for 4,000 people, almost all of them Jewish. I did not change a single word of that show. Except when Ahmed comes out, I go, you know where we are. And he goes, nowhere. And I go, Tel Aviv. And he looks around and he goes, holy shit.

Right? And they laughed. But then the rest of the show was all the same. And those 4,000 Jewish people laughed every bit as hard at every bed of the show that all the Muslims did. And it's like, look how comedy brings us all together. It's just this amazing thing that I get to see the world through rose-colored glasses because I'm doing comedy and because people are coming to a show and pay good money because they want to laugh. Yeah. And it's such this amazing, cathartic thing that we get to do.

That no child hasn't been able to do, that AI has not been able to do because we're geniuses. Well, that's the part about the 30,000 hours that you take a dumb guy and if he does something for 30,000 hours, he better will be good at it. Yeah. So, all right, I want to ask you one more thing before we get you out of here. You and I had quite a conversation before this that we're not going to get into details on. But at one point, I've been a fan for a long time. I'm a student of the game and I watch the high earners and everything. And you crack the nut a while ago.

You crack it really before, I mean, probably you say it was all perfect timing, YouTube and everything. You're early on. and then you go through a divorce. Yeah, so in 2007, I'd come out with my first special, and my career was going up, up, up, up, up. And they came out with Spark of Insanity, which is my second specials when I introduced Akhmed the Dead Terrace. And things literally went out of the stratosphere. You know, there are a handful of things that have surprised me in my career that when I drove that Pathfinder in 1988 to L.A. that I never dreamed of. One was doing arenas when they said, oh, you're killing it.

What's your first arena? I don't remember, but I was, you know, the things were going up and comedy special and all that. And I was doing these big theaters. And that was my goal when I was doing the Comedy Magic Club. My goal is to, you know, besides being on this night show, I want to fill up a theater. I want to do a thousand seats or two thousand seats like Jerry Seinfeld. That's what I want to do. And then we're selling out these big theaters and they go, it's time for you to go in an arena. I go, an arena. How am I going to do a show an arena? Well, we have big video walls like we do now, a big screen and it works great. It's fantastic.

So, you know, now we're doing, you know, five, six, eight, ten, twelve, fifteen thousand people and it's amazing. So that was one of the first surprises. The second surprise was doing international stuff and that's where Ahmed got me. And now we're doing shows all over the world and it's crazy. South Africa, Australia, all over the UK, all over Europe and in places where English is the second language. And it's amazing how comedy translates even when your native tongue is not English. So it's amazing. And the other one is the star in the Hollywood.

Walk of Fame. How the hell did that happen? You got one. Yeah. How did that happen? Thanks. But that was amazing. So, um, uh, I'm sorry. So life's going great. So things are going great. O eight. Finances. Everything. Fries. Yeah. A big, big year in O8. You're crushing. Yeah. It's unbelievable. Like in, and a few years before that, I literally almost had to sell the house because I was doing well in the comedy club, but even clubs and even that started to go downhill. And, uh, you know, I was selling out clubs, but, you know, We'd gotten, my wife and I had gotten the big house and private schools and a couple of nice cars, living the life.

You know, you think when you start making a lot of money, it's going to stay that way all the time. Nope, every career, every business has its ebbs and flows. And so, but I almost literally, almost had to sell the house until my manager, Judy and Robert went to Comedy and Central and said, look, please just air this special. I financed the first special myself, arguing with myself. And they just tried to sell it. And they go, please just air it. And they said, we don't really want it.

He's a ventriloquist. And they said, tell you what, we'll give you this guy if you'll put on this guy. They did that trading thing. And they said, okay, we're going to air it one time. So they aired it at one time. And I've been all around the country for years, for 20 years doing comedy clubs. Is that right that? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it was 18 and a half, 19 years of comedy clubs. Oh, my Lord. And I did my time. Then the worst clubs and the best clubs. And so I had done it like Leno where I'd farmed my following, just club by club by club, 300 members by 300. 300 members by 300 members of every audience, bit by bit by bit,

had a great following, but nobody knew it until they aired that Comedy Central special. We called them on Monday morning. They said, we said, what were the ratings? And they said, we think there's been a mistake. We'll have to get back to you. And it had been off the charts.

And they said they wanted that next special yesterday. So that's when I started doing some park on Sandy, got documented the terrorist, career started going straight up. And that's when things. things in my marriage started to go down. And I found out a few things. And this was literally the lowest point in my life ever. Forget about getting canceled from the Tonight Show the first time. That paled in comparison whatsoever. And at the time, let me ask, I'm just taking stock here. How

many kids do we have at the time? Three girls. And they're all, you know, 10, 12, and 14. So not adults at all. 10, 12 and 16. Yeah, we've got. Yeah. So it was, it was not. not good. And, you know, it tore me to pieces. And I, I'd never canceled shows for any other. I only had to cancel shows from being sick a few times, a couple, like literally three times in my life. And, but this, I had to cancel a week of shows because there was no way I was going to walk on on stage. It's like, you know, so, um, uh, did that, then got back on the road. And it was awful. And eventually I got through all that and met Audrey. Let me ask you.

Because even like I know for me at my lowest, I split with my daughter's mom, all those things, for whatever reason, I won't even look into it. When I put my feet on that stage, for however long I'm there, 15 hour, hour and a half,

I don't think about anything. It's amazing, isn't it? And it blows. And I don't even like, I don't even remember to try to like, take stock in that when I'm up there. I'm so present and in this moment. Sure. And then when I leave, I'm like, that was 90 minutes where I didn't think about it.

But any other time all day long, it's every other minute. I'm thinking or, you know, so how are you? Well, my trouble was my family life is woven in and out of my show. And so, you know, and the same thing when my parents, both my parents passed away and lost mom a couple of three years ago and dad seven, eight years ago. And they were part of my stories. And every once in a while, I'll do a little slide show and show pictures. And so those were, that was tough. And so getting through some of those stories, I had to edit, you know, edit, edit, take this joke out, take this joke out. Walter couldn't do wife jokes anymore.

Didn't make any about my wife because he would make fun of me and my wife. And I had to take all those jokes out. Like, is there a part of you any time during the lowest part that even feels a bit like a fraud? Like I'm out here doing this shit and I've got to adjust what I say now. It's not real. You're right. because in the first few shows, I didn't want to change it because I had to work through it and figure out how to change it. It's like, you know, I'm going to change this recipe on this

chicken. Well, I can't suddenly stop using salt. I've got to figure out what I'm going to substitute the salt with. Chicken's still got to be good while we figure out how to change the recipe. Right. So, yeah, so I did do it. I did keep, I forgot now. I did keep those jokes in for a little while and then finally worked them all out because it was lies. Yeah, it was all complete lies. Yeah, I like to be genuine with the crowd. And we're in a California here, a no-fault state. And I've learned from plenty of men here. So, and women too, actually.

I do have a friend that was the breadwinner who had a divorce. And the way it works here is, I believe, 10 years you have to be married. Yeah. And then after that. Yeah, good luck, 50-50. 50, regardless of whose fault it is. Yeah. And the bad, sad part was this was the biggest career money-wise I'd had up to that point.

Yeah. And not to get too into the weeds. It's not your fault. Well, I don't know nothing. I hear you. Yeah. The reason it's happening isn't something you did. And now this money.

So I want to ask you about this because it's new money for you. Yeah. How does the court system decide what this person who's been with you for X number of years, but this money's only been here for a year? Right. What do they get? It's, like, the legal says, whatever you made in the last 12 months.

That's what they judge it on. The 12. Doesn't that suck? Not the 20 you've been to get. Not the average. Right. Nope. I think it was the last three years.

Maybe it was the average. I can't remember what it was. But three years. I don't remember what it was. I think it was the last 12th. I don't remember what it was. All I know was, if that had happened a year before, I would have been off a lot better. The damn terrorist came and blew your life up.

Yep. The most important thing in comedy is what? Ty. Timing. So, and then does that, I'm asking genuinely here, legal shit here, once that happens, is that a one-time thing or does that person entitled to- Yeah, you want to stay out of court because you never know what's going to happen then. But does that? It's lawyers doing what lawyers do best and it dragged on and dragged on and dragged on.

They did a great job of dragging it out. But that's alimony. Oh, sure. And is that go for life? Alimony go for life? It depends. It depends. of it now. I'm done. I'm done. Yeah, and that was, I was living for that year. It was the same year that I

turned 60. Yeah, when I turned 60. Hold on. What year? How were you when this went down? The divorce. Hold on one second. When I turned 60? This was a few years ago. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I went on for a long time. Yeah, went on for years that I had to pay. Sure. Of course. And some guys, it goes on forever. Yeah. Yeah. And here's the other thing I learned. Oh, Oh, she still gets a piece of merchandise. Oh. I'd stop selling merch. I'd stop selling it.

Is that right? Yeah, I'd just pull my merch down. Yeah. The, okay. What happens if this doesn't happen to you? By the way, by the way, when all this happened, I have to take accountability. I like, there's a reason that happened. I don't know what the reason was.

I'm not here to judge. I just want to talk X's and O's. Okay. Numbers. That's all. this person who's not at fault is the breadwinner, they pay the other person. Right. What happens if you have a bad year?

Does it get readjusted? Like, do you have to go into debt to keep giving? No. No. It's like you have to really prove that it's a burden and it's not working out anymore. But I'm never going to do that. I would never, I thought, I go, I'm just going to quit. But then the court would say, no, I remember these arguments.

They would say the court would say, Mr. on them. Yeah. You have every ability to make this money. And they've heard it's all that you're not the first people in there. And I've heard it all before. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So that person also, from what I understand, could theoretically just have a long-term partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, never officially tie the knot and the alimony still keeps coming while they live and frolic in the house that maybe you paid for, things like that. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And that's when my daughters got smart man see that's the part there too and so as you said to me careers going here personal life goes down yeah yeah yeah opposite direction and i and see i say you know you look this is why

i really like talking about this show i'm watching you know you think you see all these people that everything's going wonderful for jeff dunham and it's like financially things are great right now and everything else is fucking killing i never never i never have considered ending my own life, but at that point, I understood it. Tell me before we wrap up, you said that was obviously the lowest point. What's the lowest you got in that? You said you took a week off, but are you... I remember standing at DFW waiting for a plane, and my friend Jeff Rothpan, the writer,

he meets me in Dallas, and he looked at me and he goes, wow, and he never says anything like this, you don't look good. So, yeah, that was probably the lowest point, and I'm realized, yep, you're right. But, you know, Audrey and, again, she... Audrey's your wife now. And let me tell you this. So let me, you talk about the, I have to throw in the good part. Please, yes.

So Judy and I, my manager, Judy and Robert, my managers, Judy and I were going to lunch to meet a publicist that is on Sherman in Sherman Oaks. And we agreed on a restaurant and nope, that one's closed. go to this one right here, LaPen. I go, okay, they have lunch and breakfast. Let's go in there. So Judy and I walk in. We sit down and the waitress walked up to the table. Can I help you? Now, you and I know, we meet women all the time in comedy clubs, wherever we go, whatever we do. I was a point in my career where, you know, I'm talking to all kinds of women here and there and everywhere. And especially at that point, I was so down low. I just wouldn't pay any attention to

anybody. And this was months after the thing had gone down. And this one walks up to the table and she goes, can I help you? And I looked up and it was literally like in Bambi, you know, the sun comes out, the clouds part, the birds fly and tweet and the butterflies fly around and the flowers bloom. And I thought, this is the most beautiful soul I have ever seen in my life. And so I made a, uh, uh, uh, I made. a joke about whatever sweetener she had and left. And then I called my business manager at the time, and I go, John, I just met this woman at, at, at, at, at, at, at Penn that I can't even describe that feeling when I saw her. And he goes, what are you going to do? I go, I don't know. So a week later, I went back and asked her out and went and had coffee. Did she know who you were?

No, and that's the great part. She had no clue who I was. But the last, but the But then also when she realizes, it's y'all-you're going to love this. I'm going to love this. I gave her my DVD. No. That was. And she's married you? And you do got the right one, bro. I gave her the spark of insanity. And I called her like a week later. And I said, did you watch it? And she goes, oh, no, not yet. And I looked on her, not Facebook. What was it before Facebook? Myspace. MySpace. Looked on her MySpace. And her favorite comedian was Dane Cook. I'm like, oh, my God. Not the same. But her favorite movie was the Muppets Christmas Carol. Oh, wow. There we go.

You're in. Yeah. So there you go. And then we started dating and. All because the restaurant was closed. That's it. All because the restaurant was closed. Yeah.

And in 2012, we got married and now we have twin boys, Jack and James. They're 10 years old. And I, you know, I wish anybody out there who's going to get married that they have what we found. It's amazing. And I know the one. I know the one thing you're going to ask me now. 16? Advice you give the 16 year old Jeff Donham.

Honest of goodness, I would tell 16 year old Jeff Dunham, don't change a thing. Because if you don't go through some shit, you're not going to be the person you are when you grow up. And so, you know. And if you don't go through this divorce and this ugly mess, you don't meet. I don't mean Audrey.

Audrey. Audrey. And there's no Jack and. James. None. Yeah. So, yeah. And, you know, the next chapters are yet to be written. Those two little boys are very opposite. Are they? Oh, yeah. And I have to know how to how to play with fire. And you so wait, you're 60 what? 63. So 53, my age. Yeah. You have twin boys. Twin boys. Yeah. And you're already pretty much out of the woods. Are you not at that point with your other kids? Oh, yeah. They're done. They're done. They're great. You're going right back in.

Oh, I know. Believe me. My daughter moved out of, my, my youngest daughter moved away off to college. And I'm Scott free for three months. And then Audrey gave birth to our boys. So, who knows? But yeah. Thank you for doing this. This is a great episode. You just let me talk. So I get to tell stories. That's what the show is, bro. Thank you again. Before we wrap it up right there, tell them everything and anything you'd like, promote it all. Okay, so again, the show on Discovery, Jeff Dunham's The Cars That Made Us. Please catch that. And after all the air, all eight episodes have aired, I'm sure they're going to have it somewhere where you can, well, they have repeats and then somewhere you can stream it. I hope. I have no idea. And then go to jefftunnam.com. Tickets for my road show. We're constantly on the road, constantly doing shows about eight shows a month. And some theaters, some arenas. It's always great fun. And people ask me if my show is family friendly. You know my answer. it depends on your family. That's a great answer, though, bro.

It's a good answer, yeah. It's true. It's probably, probably. It's like, that depends. Yeah. Man, thank you. Thank you for doing this. Thanks for having you.

I really appreciate it. You got it. As always, Ryan Sickler on all your social media. We'll talk to you all next week.